Computer Klutz

I am a computer klutz. 

(Whew! I'm glad that's out...)

This doesn't come as any great shock to my friends, but they have no idea the actual depth my ineptitude actually goes to. 

We bought a new computer tower with some of our tax refund money this year and I'm still getting to know it, 3 weeks later.  I had JUST gotten familiar enough with the old one to make it do most of the things I wanted it to! We'd only had it about 8 years and we were finally getting along fine.  He'd grind along slow enough for me to change my mind and I didn't expect too much from him.  But it was time to put the old Gateway out to pasture.  He didn't want to deal with 1200 digital images a year.  And who can blame him?

Our new computer is all that and a side of fries, but it is WAY beyond my limited range of ability.  This computer actually sort of sneers at me. Yes, sneers.  I know computers aren't supposed to have personality, but when the machine smugly "ding"s at me as I fumble around, looking for the 3 photos I downloaded, opening files that look promising but are obviously none of my business, according to the computer, I'd consider that sneering. 

She's sleek.  She's fast.  She has more memory than I ever had or hoped to have.  She's great at filing, anticipating my searches on the internet and condescendingly asks me if I'm sure I want to do that.  I don't think she makes coffee, but that remains to be discovered....

I apologetically sit down and request access with my crummy little password.

She considers it, and finally with a sigh of her fan, allows me entrance to my screen. 

From there, our relationship deteriorates.

She brought with her the latest greatest versions of everything; sort of like a Mary Kay lady who brings all the same products only *NEW*IMPROVED*MORE EFFICIENT*CHANGED PACKAGING!  It sort of looks the same, but it's not.

  For instance, I couldn't for the life of me figure out how to get a Word document to print! I could translate the entire thing into Ethiopian, but it appeared I'd have to pack the computer to my friend in order to send the actual message.  In Excel, I can make pivot tables 'til the cows come home (and at my house, that's literal) but I couldn't get a simple formula to show real numbers. All it would do was: ######.  And everytime I tried to fix it...."ding".  Yeah.  That's the computer, calling me a moron.

I was excited about having Photoshop! Yes! At last, I could whiten my teeth, imperceptibly, in my photos before releasing them to the rest of the world!

Photoshop requires a person to think in layers.  I have to think of the end product and work backwards, layer by layer.  So I can't just highlight my teeth in the picture and shazaam! they're fixed.  No. I have to work with opacity, hue and saturation. (Doesn't that sound like the members of a funky band?  Opacity, Hue and Saturation...live....from Saturday night!)

I'm sort of with Donkey, on the movie Shrek.  Parfaits have layers. And I can find my way around parfait layers, as you all know. But photo layers are killing me. 

So I end up closing down the programs and my computer asks me if I really and truly want to do that.  And I feel like such a quitter! But I say yes.  Then she asks if I want to SAVE my changes.  Looking at the 27 pivot tables enumerated with #######, I get the feeling she's mocking me.  I say no.  She shrugs her electronic shoulders dismissively and I'm back at the main screen.

I'm allowed to use the internet without much comment, but occasionally I get nagged about the security updates. I love telling her "Not Now" and x-ing that little box! That'll show her!

I hope it doesn't take 8 years to make peace with Dell-a.

 (Yes, that's her name. Don't you name your computer?)