The Mom Games

I think we should do it. 
Have a series of events that showcase our talents and/or weaknesses.
It has probably already been done, truth be told, but this is my version...

Event #1: Dishwasher Diva- The moms will attempt to put as many dishes/pots/glasses/utensils into a dishwasher as they can.  The trick will be that at the end of the REGULAR cycle (not the potscrubber cycle) the fullest dishwasher with the CLEANEST dishes, wins.  There can't be chunks.  Spots happen, but no chunks.

Event #2: You Rang?- In this slightly more complicated event, the moms will give a life-insurance salesman all the pertinant information of the family, their medical history, social security numbers, allergies and dates of last shots, while making pancakes for 3 bawling, obviously STARVING children hanging on their person.  Points will be made for accuracy of detail, maintainence of pleasant tone of voice, quality of pancakes and number of children spanked. 

Event #3: She's Got It All- A test of physical strength and dexterity in which the moms try to get all the groceries for the family for a week (INCLUDING milk) in the least amount of trips. Moms must open the screen AND inside door, without dropping anything, and all the bags must remain intact to the kitchen counter.  Pets may not enter the house and children must be kept out of the groceries, no matter how badly they want the chocolate frosted sugar bombs....until all the groceries are delivered.

Event #4: What's For Supper?- One refridgerator, four ingredients, surprise company (family of four OR husband's boss) and a time limit. Fillers such as rice, noodles or bread crumbs are allowed, not counting toward the original four ingredients. Supper must pass a taste test of at least 2 family members, contain at least TWO separate and distinct dishes, and be done and on the table in 35 minutes or less, counting thawing time. The four ingredients will consist of things like: grape jelly, leftover green beans, 1/2 lb ground turkey (or is it?) and Greek yogurt.


Event #5: Washed Up- (You were waiting for it, weren't you?  The laundry...) Moms participating in this event will have three equally challenging tasks; sorting/stain recognition, actual laundering, and fold/put away speed round.  (No sock match-up.  Everyone knows socks never match up.  That would be a pointless challenge...) 

In the sort/stain recognition, moms must quickly sort impossible color combinations (such as red and white striped 100% cotton shirts) while detecting stains and treating them.  Points counted off for missing stains and/or having only two piles; darks and lights.  

In the actual laundering portion, moms must fill the washer to its maximum capacity with previously sorted clothes and subsequently, the dryer.  Points will be made on the cleanliness of clothes and actual dryness. (Meaning the clothes have to ACTUALLY have been washed and not just smell of soap, AND there must be no detectable dampness in the jeans and towels.)  

The third and last portion of the challenge will consist of folding neatly and sorting into piles for each family member and the final entombment of finished laundry in drawers.  The points here are on speed and neatness.  Clothes that are crammed into drawers are unacceptable and only one article of clothing per hanger.  

Event #6: My Tummy Hurts- (Anyone signing up for this event, voluntarily, will first be subjected to a series of psychological tests to determine mental fitness. Only someone crazy would sign up for an event containing possible puking.) It takes place at 2:00 in the morning.  Moms in THIS event will be given a glass of wine, comfy bed and no clean towels. (Most will be sleeping HARD by the time it all goes down. But not for long.) Children will be given red koolaid, spaghetti and only one change of pajamas.  I'll spare you the rest.  Any mom still able to make coffee before 6 a.m. and make toast will be given an automatic medal of valor. 

There are tons of other events that can and should be considered as part of the games, but you get the idea with this list....

Most moms participate daily!  But any who choose to compete in the Mom Games on a national level should win some sort of vacation on an island, with frosty rum drinks and no clocks to be found...

Are you in?

Doh!-nuts

I love donuts.

Who doesn't, really?

Another big confession: (TWO!  You get a two-fer Tuesday...lucky you.)

I like those personality quiz/analysis things you can take that tell you what kind of dog you resemble (border collie) or color that describes you (red) or place you should be living according to how you answer the pathetic multiple choice quiz (luxury villa in the south of France).  I can hardly pass them by. 

And not because I think they'll bring to light any deep mysteries of my psyche or anything.  I like to try to stump them, truthfully.  Which is crazy, I know, because I'm sort of trying to stump myself! (A naturally occuring phenomenon that doesn't need any assistance whatsoever...) Is that not the dumbest thing you've ever read? 

Fasten your seatbelts, folks...it gets dumber....

The mind reels....

SO

I was sneaking half a cherry fritter out of the appallingly loud plastic wrapped container, to soak up the coffee that I may have made a leetle too strong this morning. (Before you start clucking...I KNOW I could dilute it with water, but cherry fritters are a better choice.  The caffeine is absorbed into the fried, glazed dough and time released through out the morning.  That's right.  Stick with me, kid...and take notes.)  In the delicate process of freeing the donut, I thought about how people have very specific preferences on donuts and how it perhaps explained certain facets of their personalities. 

For your reading pleasure, my unscientific list of "If you like this type....then you are this type" using donuts as a personality indicator:

Maple bar- Classic person with classic style.  You probably make sure the pictures on your wall are balanced and square, your clothes are basic colors that can be mix-and-matched with each other, and more than likely you have something with your monogram on it...somewhere. Pearls? Check. Navy blazer? Check. Pot roast on Sunday? check. 

Chocolate with sprinkles- DRAMA! Your tastes run to the bold and flamboyant.  Other people may sit in chairs on the edge of the dance floor, but you're the first one on the floor, hoping for a good tango.  You like red velvet cake.  With sprinkles. When asked to describe your wardrobe, the first thing that would leap to mind is "color, and lots of it"!

Cake donut- Ah, you are the steady, stable one that all of us call for good advice. Just enough sweet to make you approachable, you are immovable in your convictions and content in your own skin.  You probably drive a good car that has been paid off for years, and there are no ruffles in your closet! (The clothes, however, are hung by color family and type.)

Bismarck (filled)- Sentimental, tender and thoughtful, you are the one who remembers to send birthday cards on time. No one can hurry you...you take your time in life, appreciating the details and soaking up the little moments.  YOU are the one with ruffles....or perhaps a fine mohair sweater. You've probably read Pride and Predjudice more than once....*sigh*

Fritter- You're on the run!  A person with places to go and people to see, no time for straightening pictures or that nonsense.  Your attention is short, but your list of interests is long.  People find you fascinating, but they can't keep up....so they take blurry pictures of you and wave as you move to the next cool thing. Carnivals are your favorite place, because of the rides and portable food.

Glazed- You don't like a lot of attention drawn to yourself.  Flying under the radar is your modus operandi!  Quiet and perhaps a bit shy, you wear a lot of beige and your house is decorated in pastels.  You're a soothing sort of soul that is like a good cup of tea on a brisk day. One-on-one conversations are your style, and you always write thank-you notes within 24 hours of recieving a gift. 

Holes- You think outside the box.  What the heck...you live outside the box.  Actually, you're not sure where the box is, nor do you care!  You pride yourself on your uniqueness and unusual way of looking at life....unfortunately, you are so busy being odd that you haven't noticed there are a lot of that same sort! Anyone looking in your closet would get dizzy, with all the choices. And there is curry powder in your spice rack, just so people wonder what you've been cooking up.

There are a lot of other types....if I've missed yours, feel free to add it on a sticky note!

And I'm going to try to get the glaze off the keyboard, now...