Self sabotage

" I’ve tried to develop a knowledge of how "I tend to sabotage myself. I carefully examine the recurring adverse events of my life.

THis is from Heron Dance, a gentleman who definitely lives a life closer to nature than I do, and posts a newsletter about creativity. But he echoes some of my thoughts, my need to be creative, my need to be closer to the natural world around me.

So I'm looking at myself in a mirror of observation. Not criticism. Just seeing where I'm falling short, or indeed, sabotaging my own best efforts to live according to my own higher self.

He says that for him:

"When I am overtired, my life lacks a flow, lacks momentum. Lots of little things go wrong.

That may be the beginning of my frequent ill periods, where coughing, breathing problems, even fevers keep me from participating at all in my own life.

The beginning for me does have the similar overtired place where I've overextended, thus start coughing. Then I am in bed, too stationary, and at computer more and more.

So for me an indicator is more time at computer!

As well as coughing more.

And getting out of breath when just walking on a flat surface for say 100 feet or more.

These may be based on my not taking care of my home and health-supplies. (DING DING DING)

I'm aware how mold exists in the walls, coming into the windowsills when it has a chance, and appearing at drains if I haven't used them in a day or so. (Hey Barb, there are only 4 drains in the whole apartment!) DING

Non-tidy housekeeping is my number one self-sabotage. DING DOODLY DING!!!

I've asked friends if they know anyone who would do small apartment cleaning, say every other week? I could afford the current rate I think. But there don't seem to be any available people.

Maybe I'm not trying hard enough. I want someone who is already known by someone I know. I'll see if I can ask more people I know, without using Facebook of course. That's how I got the woman who stole some medications from me (not one of which would change her moods).

Heron Dance says:

"To try to break my old patterns I keep a list. On that list are things to beware of...

That's what this blog is starting for me right now. I just enjoyed a chocolate cookie and a glass of Almond Milk.,as I typed my thoughts, and those of Heron Dance...and thought more about my list. 

Consider your health. In my life, when my health has deteriorated, as with cancer, it has been after an extended period of living in ways that are not in sync with my beliefs and values about what is important in life.

To get back in sync, all I need to do is to walk in a forest of big trees, to sit down at the base of one, and watch for half an hour or so. 

So as close as I have recently been to being in a forest of big trees, which are on all the mountains around me, is to see photos, paintings, and other people's experiences in the forest...all on this computer.

But I know baby steps are the best way for me to live.

The goal is to go to the forest.

First step, turning off computer.

Second, cleaning something.

Third, go back to clay studio to unwind.

So those are 3 steps to get into the forest. Funny sounding, eh?

I'll let you know when I get there!

Note...two hours later, I've been off computer, and scrubbed the bathroom sink. Wow, such a lot of dust around things that I use every day or so, so now I know what's waiting for me in each of these endeavors. 

For my readers who have tidy homes, I somehow missed getting the gene, or learning a routine, or even having an impulse to clean house. I am a slob. But that's making me sick...therefore...

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Late PS.

Woke at 3:30 am, got up at 4:15 and decided AC has sent me some of his night-time-waking juju, so I'm here eating a chocolate croissant and drinking some juice. Reading whatever. Hoping I can get an hour or more sleep before my 9 am coffee date comes to pick me up. We're going to Thirteen Penney's where there's a thrift shop attached. Then yoga may happen, then lunch. But this afternoon is perfect for a nap...

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And again at 8 am, my laptop died somehow with that early morning post, so I'm on my old 2010 or so oldest laptop, which takes about an hour to open blogger. Haven't tried email yet! So glad it still plugs along!

Self-sabotage

When it seems something pulls the rug out from beneath my feet, it just may be myself doing it, a self-sabotage has happened again.

If you're one of those perfectly balanced people who just have some clear-cut enemies who cause all your problems, then don't read about this.

Christmas 2010

Self-sabotage happens unconsciously, which is why it’s so difficult to see that we are doing it. The important thing to realize is that this very part of us that resists our healing is the part that most needs our attention and love. Even as it appears to be working against us, if we can simply bring it into the light of our consciousness, it can become our greatest ally. It carries the information we need to move to the next level in our healing process.

When we recognize that we are not making healthy choices, we might even say out loud, “I am not taking care of myself.” 

Sometimes this is the jolt we need to wake up to what is actually happening. Next we can sit ourselves down in meditation, with a journal, or with a trusted friend to explore the matter more thoroughly. Just shining the light of our awareness on the source of our resistance is sometimes enough to dispel its power. At other times, further effort is required. Asking a counselor for help is nothing to be ashamed of.

Either way, we need not fear these parts that do not want to heal. We only need to take them under our wing and bring them with us into the light.

Spring 2010

Gratitude can turn a meal into a feast, a house into a home, a stranger into a friend. It makes sense of our past, brings peace for today, and creates a vision for tomorrow.  Melody Beattie

Lighting the Yule Log, 2005 Festival of Lights

This Friday is Winter Solstice, the shortest day of the year in the northern hemisphere.  Long nights are great times for dreams.  Coming together with friends to share warmth is also a fun thing to do on long nights.