Empathy at Work

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Empathy at Work

Developing Skills to Understand Other People

"Tom is a great accountant, but his 'people' skills hold him back. I can't see how he'll ever be
promoted unless he does something about it."

Many of us know people who have reached a certain point in their careers because they have
excellent technical skills - but they somehow don't get along with team members, because
their people skills lag far behind their other job skills.

This might be due to the insensitive manner in which


they ask co-workers for things, the way they never
seem to listen to what others say, or their intolerance
for other working approaches.

Do you have colleagues like Tom? Or are you,


perhaps, like Tom?

Workers with poor people skills can often find


themselves in the middle of unnecessary conflict. Learn how to really "connect" with someone.
This can be exhausting and stressful for all
concerned, and it can destroy even the best laid work plans.

Many people are confident that they can develop new technical skills and knowledge through
training and experience. However, there's a common belief that "you are how you are" when it
comes to people skills - or "soft" skills - and that there's little or nothing you can do to change
these.

Fortunately, this is far from true. And a great place to start improving soft skills is by
developing the ability to empathize with others.

What Is Empathy?

Empathy is simply recognizing emotions in others, and being able to "put yourself in another
person's shoes" - understanding the other person's perspective and reality.

To be empathic, you have to think beyond yourself and your own concerns. Once you see
beyond your own world, you'll realize that there's so much to discover and appreciate!

People who are accused of being egotistical and selfish, or lacking perspective, have often
missed the big picture: that they are just single individuals in a world with billions of other
people (although, yes, this can be overwhelming if you think about it too long!)

If you've been called any of these things, then remind yourself that the world is full of other
people, and you can't escape their influence on your life. It's far better to accept this, and to
decide to build relationships and understanding, rather than try to stand alone all of the time.

Using Empathy Effectively

To start using empathy more effectively, consider the following:

1. Put aside your viewpoint, and try to see things from the other person's point of
view.
When you do this, you'll realize that other people most likely aren't being evil, unkind,
stubborn, or unreasonable - they're probably just reacting to the situation with the
knowledge they have.
2. Validate the other person's perspective.
Once you "see" why others believe what they believe, acknowledge it. Remember:
acknowledgement does not always equal agreement. You can accept that people
have different opinions from your own, and that they may have good reason to hold
those opinions.
3. Examine your attitude.
Are you more concerned with getting your way, winning, or being right? Or, is your
priority to find a solution, build relationships, and accept others? Without an open
mind and attitude, you probably won't have enough room for empathy.
4. Listen.
Listen to the entire message that the other person is trying to communicate.
 Listen with your ears: What is he or she saying, and what tone is being used?
 Listen with your eyes: What is the person doing with his or her body while
speaking?
 Listen with your instincts: Do you sense that the person is holding something
important back?
 Listen with your heart: What do you think the other person feels?

5. Ask what the other person would do.


When in doubt, ask the person to explain his or her position. This is probably the
simplest, and most direct, way to understand the other person. However, it's probably
the least used way to develop empathy.

It's fine if you ask what the other person wants: you don't earn any "bonus points" for
figuring it out on your own.

For example, the boss who gives her young team members turkey vouchers for the
holidays, when most of them don't even cook, is using her idea of a practical gift - not
theirs.

Practice these skills when you interact with people. You'll likely appear much more caring and
approachable - simply because you have increased your interest in what others think, feel,
and experience. It's a great gift to be willing and able to see the world from a variety of
perspectives - and it's a gift that you can use all of the time, in any situation.

Here are some more tips for an empathic conversation:

 Pay attention, physically and mentally, to what's happening.

 Listen carefully, and note the key words and phrases that people use.
 Respond encouragingly to the central message.
 Be flexible - prepare to change direction as the other person's thoughts and feelings
also change.
 Look for cues that you're on target.

Key Points

Developing an empathic approach is perhaps the most significant effort you can make toward
improving your people skills. When you understand others, they'll probably want to
understand you - and this is how you can start to build cooperation, collaboration, and
teamwork.

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