8 Tools To Becoming A

Confident Communicator

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skills and start having amazing conversations
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To create friends, lasting relationships, and to move forward in your career,
it’s very important to learn how to communicate.

To a lot of people this is obvious but it’s definitely a lot harder to put into
practice. A lot of the communication we do on a daily basis starts with
having a conversation.

Creating a conversation, communicating your feelings, and making it last

without any awkward moments requires practicing the right behaviors.

But before we even get into actually understanding the dynamics of having
a conversation we’re going to talk about one of the first steps in becoming a
good communicator.

#1. One of the first steps to become a good communicator…Know Yourself.

Self-awareness is about understanding your own needs, desires, failings, habits,

and everything else that makes you tick. The more you know about yourself, the
better you are at adapting to changes in your life.

My first question to you is, are you an introvert, ambivert, or an extrovert?

It’s important to know because it can be a first basic step to understanding how
you communicate and how to manage people around you. This can help you get
started in discovering who you are as a communicator.

Many people have a general idea of what introversion and extroversion are. Most
people think you’re either very outgoing (extroversion) or very quiet
(introversion).

But, it’s not so straight forward. You’re able to be both introverted or extroverted
which means you’re an ambivert.

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When it comes to personality traits we believe there is a spectrum of
communicators.

Here are the three main personality traits you might relate to:

Introvert​: Someone who doesn’t require much socialising and prefers to have a
small group of friends. They also prefer to be more introspective and more
concerned with their feelings and thoughts.

Extrovert​: Someone who requires socialising and prefers to surround

themselves with people and usually likes being the center of attention and is
concerned with external things.

Ambivert​: Someone who likes socialising and social situations but values alone
time evenly.

Take a moment to think if you relate to either of these three traits.

Becoming a good communicator means being OK with who you are and where
you are on the social spectrum. This is about accepting yourself and people
accepting you.

If you’re interested in learning more about the social spectrum, learn more
about our course, here.

Here are some questions to ask yourself if you’re not feeling self aware:

1. What holds you back in your conversations or interactions with people?

2. What is holding you back from relating with people?
3. Do you not know how to start the conversation?
4. Are you afraid of saying the wrong thing, not feeling good enough?

Maybe anxiety or being afraid of what someone might think of you might be
significantly holding you back, especially during conversations.

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One you know what holds you back you’re finally able to start your journey to
becoming a great communicator. Especially, knowing where to improve. This can
put you ahead of a lot of people who aren’t self-aware or want to take on this
challenge.

Sometimes the hardest part of getting to know yourself is finding out what you’re
great at or what your strengths are. When you do discover your strengths, use it
in your conversations to relate to people.

Most importantly, you’ll be able to connect with people who you’re compatible
with. (​We talk a lot about this in our course​)

When you’re compatible with someone or you find something in common, you’ll
show excitement and enthusiasm about the topic. You then instantly become
more confident just because you’re more knowledgeable.

Your first step in this journey isn’t about saying the right things or some specific
strategy, it’s about YOU! Knowing YOU!

Now, let’s begin on working on your mindset.

#2. Who manages your thoughts? A positive mindset wins!

Positive thinking, presentation and Preparation. The 3 P’s that make you a great
communicator.

Your thoughts go a long way when you’re trying to get to another place in life.

Positive thinking can help you develop the confidence you need to have to
become a great communicator.

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Research reveals positive thinking is much more than just being happy or
displaying an upbeat attitude. Positive thoughts can actually create real value in
your life and help you build skills, such as communication.

Barbra Fredrickson, a positive psychology researcher at the University of North

Carolina, says,

“Negative thinking and negative emotions can produce problems such as anxiety
disorders, aggression, depression, and many other stress-related physical
disorders.”

It’s so easy to get caught up in negative thinking; this can derail your attempt of
being a good communicator before you even talk to anyone.

When you’re angry, scared, or anxious, those thoughts and feelings can
consume you to the point where you can’t think about anything else.

You might feel scared or anxious about talking with someone so you talk yourself
out of it; you shut off.

So, what do you do?

ProTip:​ Think about what your dominant thoughts are?

Write your thoughts down throughout the day, week, and month. You will realize
and be able to see what you’re thinking about on a daily basis.

How often do you encourage yourself in a positive or negative way? You can find
this out by writing it down daily.

Think of it this way. ​You are what you think you’ll are.​ Feeling and believing
the dominant thoughts will eventually manifest in reality.

Our lives can be shaped by our most dominant thoughts. They mold our beliefs
and direct our actions, which determine the results we get in our lives.

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Negative begets negative. A person who has a bad conversation might start to
think they’re not a good communicator. Conversations go from bad to worse or
none at all. These thoughts left unchecked can snowball into regular thoughts
that can bring your emotions down and might evolve into a belief.

You might notice, people will start to pick up your lack of confidence, your own
belief that you’re not good enough. You have to redirect your energy.

Believe the best, start changing your thoughts. As soon as you have a bad
thought. Switch it! Start taking positive action.

#3. Be a BIG small talker…Learn to make small talk

Entering a conversation can be one of the hardest parts of talking to someone.

It’s like dancing … you’re unsure if you should do it, you’re afraid of people
judging you, but once you get warmed up you feel good and can keep going.

Entering a conversation is making small talk … or in other words, getting the

conversation warmed up for a deeper and more meaningful conversation. A lot of
people push aside small talk as boring, shallow, or superficial … But small talk is
an important part of starting a conversation. This is a significant part in
communicating and carrying a conversation.

Another question to ask yourself is … are you a self-fulfilling prophecy?

If you approach small talk with the belief that it will be pointless, it probably will
be. If you’re saying, ​“I’m terrible at this,” “I hate small talk,” or “this is so boring!”
Then, you’re a self-fulfilling prophecy. When diving into a conversation, keep an
open mind.

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Remember to redirect or switch your thoughts. Remind yourself small talk is
essential to creating friendships and relationships at work. Small talk serves an
important purpose.

This part of the conversation builds the substance for more authentic
conversations down the road.

Small talk takes skill and patience. It maybe the reason so many people hate it. It
takes more effort than they want to put into it.

Small talk does starts with talking about the weather, sports, family, work and
school. All important things that can tell us a lot about who the other person is. It
allows you to evaluate people and what their stories are.

It helps us discover if they’re whiny? Sad? Depressed? Happy?

It’s all information.

Small talk is definitely no small thing.

#4. Discover more about a person – Ask questions and be quiet.

Starting a conversation can be very intimidating. That’s why having a strong

mindset is important, and why we started our Ebook with helping you understand
positive psychology.

To help you feel more comfortable and confident in yourself when starting a
conversation we’ve come up with a few conversation starters.

Here are some great questions to start the conversation and take it deeper than
your usual conversation …

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These questions are more interesting than the average ​“Where are you from?”
type questions and will help keep the conversation going.

Reminder: Not all these questions will work in every situation.

1. Tell me about yourself.

2. What are some things you do outside work?

3. Working on anything exciting lately outside of work?

4. What did you like about tonight’s networking event?

5. What was the highlight of your day today?

6. What was the highlight of your week?

7. What are some things you have going on this weekend?

8. Tell me about your weekend?

9. What was it like traveling to Europe?

10. What kind of work do you do?

These are great questions to ask during small talk, helping you discover more
about who you’re talking to. When they answer these questions, usually they’ll
reveal more information about themselves. This leads to deeper and more
intimate conversations.

ProTip:​ Sincerely getting to know someone and being curious about them will
help you have better conversations, allowing you to nurture relationships.

Remember to start with open ended questions. Then, look for cues, their facial
expressions, body language and response to vibe how much more a person
wants to talk about the topic.

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ProTip:​ Start with simple questions and then with open-ended questions. Open
ended questions can nudge the conversation into deeper, more authentic
territory, where introverts tend to thrive.

Here are a few examples:

1. "Where are you from?" ​followed by​ "What is your hometown like? How is
it different than here?"
2. "What do you do?" ​followed by​ "What made you enter your profession?
What inspires you about that type of work?"
3. "Have you attended these networking events before?" ​followed by​ "What
did you think of today's speaker?"

Be curious about the person you’re talking to. Listen and be sincerely interested.

Curiosity will help you develop conversations, and friendships much faster.

#5.​ ​Overcome The Dreaded Silence.

Just because there’s a silence doesn’t mean you did something wrong or failed
at becoming a great communicator.

Don’t be so quick to blame yourself if the conversation doesn’t go as planned.

Sometimes these silences occur naturally, simply due to what was being talked
about.

The conversation may have come to an end. Or they’re taking a moment to figure
out what to say next.

People may need time to reflect because someone said something thought
provoking.

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Or, simply people just don’t want to talk. And that’s OK! Silence is acceptable,
and don’t try to so hard to fill the void.

You’re not always going to connect with everyone.

Remember don't panic. Breathe! A few seconds of silence isn't that big a deal if
you don't make it one.

It's all about how you react to the silence. Stay confident, take a deep breath and
stay positive … you'll send the message, to yourself and to everyone else, that
what's happening is normal, and not awkward at all.

#6. The most attractive quality you want is confidence.

Self-confidence is the most attractive quality a person can have. How can
anyone see how awesome you are if you can't see it yourself. Stop seeking
approval or validation and comparing yourself to others.

One of the worst things you can do to really deflate your confidence is to
compare yourself to other people.

Comparing yourself to someone else who might be better at communicating or

conversing won’t do anything for you … it most likely will do the opposite.

You might feel angry or jealous. But, realize we’re all on different levels of
learning and it’s so easy to see someone else’s final product. We never see the
hard work that went into crafting the skill.

We compare ourselves to others in an attempt to make accurate evaluations of

ourselves. But this doesn’t help you attain your goals of becoming a good
communicator.

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Thinking or obsessing about how someone else is better than you are, or is more
successful will zap your motivation, reduce your chances of completing your goal
and kill positivity.

Confidence is seen in your body language, your face, demeanor, tone, the way
you carry yourself, how you react to a situation and your presence in a room..

Your demeanor, more than your accomplishments, your intelligence and

appearance, matters a lot.

Through our nonverbal cues we unknowingly communicate a great deal of

information about ourselves and what we’re thinking. The movements we make,
the position in which we hold our bodies, the expressions we wear on our faces
and the nonverbal qualities of our speech – all contribute to how others view us.

Improve your nonverbal skills and read body language.

Our nonverbal communication such as our facial expressions, gestures, eye

contact, posture, and tone of voice, speak the loudest.

Strategies:

1. Be aware of what you’re feeling and your own body language.

2. Pay attention to what you’re saying, the words you’re using and actions.
3. Maintain eye contact, but not too much.
4. Take a breather if you’re overwhelmed by stress.

If you want to become a better communicator, it’s important to become more

sensitive to the body language and nonverbal cues of others, especially your
own.

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#7. It’s OK to talk about yourself and add juicy tidbits.

If you insistently ask the other person questions, it will eventually feel like an
interrogation. At some point, you have to share something about yourself (a juicy
tidbit).

Embellish your responses with interesting information about yourself, something

you learned, are learning, a trip you’re going to take, etc.

By providing different responses, you can provide “hooks” for the other person to
continue the conversation. For example:

Question​: "How are you?"

Short response​: "Fine."
Better response​: "Good, thanks. I'm getting ready for my vacation to Italy. It will
be my first time in Europe

Question​: "What did you do this weekend?"

Short response​: "I went furniture shopping."
Better response​: "I went furniture shopping for my home. I’m remodeling my
living room."

These are great responses to basic questions when you’re asked. Start talking
about yourself because you’re more interesting than you think.

#8. Complete your conversations.

People you’re talking to will make very obvious cues about whether they want to
keep talking or not. Such as facial expressions, body language, or certain words.

Some main reasons someone may want to finish a conversation:

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 1. They have to get back to what they were doing - working, running errands,
mingling with other guests, etc.
2. The conversation is starting to wind down and they want to neatly wrap it
up. They want to keep things short.

And how you end the conversation depends on the context and the people's
relationship to each other.

If you already know the person, a quick, ​"I gotta run. I'll catch you later"​ will be
fine in most situations.

If you've just met the person and you’re in a general social setting, something
such as, ​"It was great meeting you" ​will also be fine. If you enjoy talking with that
person don’t be afraid to exchange contact info or connect on social media. (​We
show you how to do this during our course​).

If you've just met someone at a networking event you may want to exchange
business cards, or follow up with them about a business opportunity.

It's good to have an idea on how long someone might want to chat for.

You can make ending many of your conversations a lot simpler if you go into
them with an understanding of approximately how long you can talk for.

For example:

If you run into someone while they're doing errands they're generally going to
want to get back to what they were doing after a minute or so.

If you're talking to someone at work while you're both grabbing a coffee they'll
need to get back to their desk after five minutes max.

If you're chatting to someone at a party, where it's expected that people will
mingle and not spend all night with the first person they talk to, they may want to
move on after about five to ten minutes.

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Naturally none of these time guidelines are set in stone. It's more that if the other
person is happy to talk and the conversation does end up going longer, that's
great, but if not, you'll need to learn when people are starting to get anxious and
want to finish.

Knowing this will allow you to smoothly wind things down when the time comes.

Use one of the reasons below for why you have to leave the conversation.

1. "It was good running into you. I gotta finish this shopping before I pick up
my kids."
2. “Sorry I can't talk longer. I'm on my way to meet my friend for coffee."
3. "Let's talk more at lunch. I gotta finish up this presentation before 11:00."
4. At parties / bars / networking events
5. "I've got to go find my friends."
6. "I'm going to go grab another drink."
7. "Please excuse me, I saw someone I've been meaning to catch up with."
8. "I just have to head to the bathroom. I'll run into you later maybe."

Use non-verbals that show you're ready to end the conversation.

While still being friendly and polite you can start adjusting your body language
and your actions to indicate to the other person that it's time for them to wrap up
the discussion, or that you're about to end it soon yourself.

Make a statement to summarize and wrap up the conversation, then say you've
got to go.

This is a good way to transition from the conversation to its conclusion. You
comment on a recent statement, or generally sum up the discussion, before you
start to close it down.

"Yeah, that movie is going to be great. I'm really looking forward to it. Anyway, I
should get going..."

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Introduce the person to someone else, or bring them along as you join another
conversation.

Be aware of how you and other people end daily conversations.

Do you notice that people walk away from you without verbally closing the
conversation with a little courteous message such as, “Thanks, see you later” or
“That was helpful; bye!” or just simply “Goodbye” or “See you later.”

Notice today how you end face-to-face conversations and how you leave a room.
Even notice how you end a conversation with the barista making your coffee.

Take notice of the power of your goodbyes.

Summary Of Becoming A Confident Communicator:

● Know Yourself.
○ Knowing yourself can help you your take your first step in
communicating better.
● Learn to manage your thoughts.
○ Positivity can significantly help you overcome challenges.
● Take small talk seriously.
○ Small talk will help you discover more about people and move
toward more meaningful conversations.
● Ask better questions.
○ Become a better questioner! Asking open ended questions will help
you extend the conversation.
● Overcome the awkward silence.
○ Just because there’s a silence doesn’t mean you did something
wrong. Don’t be so quick to blame yourself.

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 ● Self confidence is very attractive.
○ Self-confidence is the most attractive quality a person can have.
Stop seeking approval or validation and comparing yourself to
others.
● Talk about yourself. Add to the conversation.
○ Embellish your responses with interesting information about yourself,
something you learned, are learning, a trip you’re going to take, ect.
● Complete the conversation.
○ Add power to your goodbyes! Attempt to make a statement to
summarize and wrap up the conversation. Get contact information
for people you have a connection with.

You now have some great information about becoming a great communicator. It
is up to you to put it into action!

Remember that your thoughts matter, make sure you prepare, listen, notice body
cues and be confident! You’ll do great. More information below.

More Resources: Click for more information.

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