The Friday Aggravate 18th August 2006

The pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won. The pastor was so pleased
with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and it won again. The local
paper read:
PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT
The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the pastor not
to enter the donkey in another race. The next day, the local paper headline read:
BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS.
This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the pastor to get rid of the
donkey. The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent. The local
paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline
the next day:
NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.
The bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would
have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer
for $10. The next day the paper read:
NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10
This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the nun
to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it
could run wild. The next day the headlines read:
NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE
The bishop was buried the next day.

Here's some Aviation History everyone should probably know:

You may remember that on July 8, 1947,

witnesses claim an unidentified object with
five aliens aboard crashed on a sheep-
cattle station (ranch for the Yanks in our
midst) just outside Alice Springs in the
Northern Territory. This is a well known
incident that many say... has been
profusely covered up by the Defence Force
and the Australian government. However,
what you may NOT well know is that on
March 31, 1948, exactly nine months after
that historic day, Kim Beasley was born.
That piece of information now has cleared
up a lot of things.

Subject: Out of the mouth's of babes....

Little Bruce and Jenny are only 10 years old, but they just know that they are in
love. One day they decide that they want to get married, so Bruce goes to
Jenny's father to ask him for her hand. Bruce bravely walks up to him and says
"Mr. Smith, me and Jenny are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in
marriage."

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Thinking that this was just the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies, “Well Bruce, you
are only 10. Where will you two live?" Without even taking a moment to think
about it, Bruce replies "In Jenny's room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit
there nicely."

Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith says with a huge grin, "Okay then
how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job. You'll need to support
Jenny." Again, Bruce instantly replies, "Our allowance.. Jenny makes 5 bucks a
week and I make 10 bucks a week. That's about 60 bucks a month and that
should do us just fine."

By this time Mr. Smith is a little shocked that Bruce has put so much thought into
this. He thinks for a moment trying to come up with something that Bruce won't
have an answer to. After a second, Mr. Smith says, "Well Bruce, it seems like you
have got everything all figured out. I just have one more question for you. What
will you do if the two of you should have little ones of your own?"

Bruce just shrugs his shoulders and says "Well, we've been lucky so far..."

Mr. Smith doesn't think the little s--t is adorable anymore.

Just another classic from the Mariah Estate.

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session

with four young mothers and their small children. "You
all have obsessions," he observed.
To the first mother, he said, "You are obsessed with
eating. You've even named your daughter Candy."
He turned to the second Mum. "Your obsession is money.
Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny,"
He turned to the third Mum. "Your obsession is alcohol.
Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Brandy."
At this point, the fourth mother got up, took her little
boy by the hand and whispered, "Come on, Dick, let's
go".

Deep Thoughts for Those Who Take Life Way Too Seriously
1. Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
2. A day without sunshine is like....night.
3. On the other hand, you have different fingers.
4. Remember, half the people you know are below average.
5. He who laughs last thinks slowest.
6. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
7. Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.
8. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
9. How many of you believe in psycho kinesis?...Raise my hand.
10. OK...so what's the speed of dark?
11. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

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12. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.
13. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?
14. What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
15. I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
16. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
17. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what happened.
18. Just remember---if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.
19. Light travels faster than sound. That is why some people appear bright until
you hear them speak.
20. Life isn't like a box of chocolates....it's more like a jar of jalapeno's. What you
do today, might burn your arse tomorrow.

A man (Paul) goes to a public golf course. He

approaches the man behind the counter in the pro shop
and says, "I would like 18 holes of golf and a caddie." The
man behind the counter says, "The 18 holes of golf is no
problem, but all of the caddies are out on the course.
What I will do for you is this: We just got 8 brand new
robot golf caddies. If you’re willing to take one with you
out on the course and come back and tell me how well it
works, your round of golf is on me today."

The golfer obviously accepted the man's offer. He

approached the first tee, looked at the fairway and said to himself, "I think my
driver will do the job." "The robot caddie turned to the man and said, "No sir. Use
your 3 wood. A driver is far too much club for this hole."

Hesitantly, the golfer pulled out his 3 wood, made good contact with the ball, and
the ball landed about 10 feet to the right front of the hole on the green. The
golfer, delighted, turned to the robot and thanked him for his assistance

As the golfer pulled out his putter he said, "I think this green is gonna break left
to right." The robot then again spoke up and said, "No sir. I do believe this green
will break right to left." Thinking about the last time the robot corrected his
prediction, he decided again to listen to the machine.

He made his putt and birdied the hole thanks to the robot and his advice. But his
luck didn't end there. His entire game was the best game he ever played, thanks
to the assistance of the new robot golf caddie.

Upon returning to the clubhouse, the man behind the counter asked, "How was
your game?" The golfer stated, "It was, by far, the BEST game I ever played.
Thank you very much for letting me take one of your robots. See you next week.

A week passed, and excited, the golfer returned to the pro shop. Upon entering
the pro shop he turned to the man behind the counter and said, "I would like 18
holes of golf and one of those robot golf caddies, please."

The gentleman from behind the counter turned to the man and said, "Well the 18
holes is no problem. However, we had to get rid of the robots. We had too many
complaints." Confused, the golfer cried, "COMPLAINTS? Who in the heck could've
complained about those robots? They were incredible"

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The man sighed and said, "Well, it wasn't their performance. It was that they
were shiny silver metal, and the glare from the machine was blinding to other
golfers on the fairway. " The golfer said, "So then why didn't you just paint them
black?" The man nodded sadly and replied, "We did. And then four of 'em didn't
show up for work, two filed for welfare, and the other two robbed the pro shop."

"Children, tomorrow I would like you to give me an example of a development

that is currently being built near your home and what are the advantages of this
new development” says the teacher.

At the end of the class, the teacher asks that all the little girls remain behind for
5 minutes. Teacher: "Young ladies, I have received numerous complaints from
your parents concerning Little Johnny's' crude remarks. It is very likely that
tomorrow he is going to say something dirty and that is why I am asking you all,
to avoid any further problems - that if he says anything that appears rude, I
would like you all to get up and leave the classroom." Everybody agrees to this
plan.

The next day in class the teacher begins: "Is everybody ready with their
assignment? Go ahead Anita." "Near my home a supermarket is being built. Now
my mummy doesn't have to walk so far to get bread and milk." Teacher: "Very
good Anita! Suzie – you’re next"

Suzie: "Near my home, they are building a furniture factory. My daddy is a

carpenter and this permits him to work near home." Teacher: "Excellent, thank
you Suzie!"

At this point, little Johnny's hand shoots up and the teacher asks: "Oh heavens,
Johnny tell me what new development is being built near your home." Little
Johnny: "Near my home, they are building a brothel." As planned, all the young
ladies get up and proceed to leave. Little Johnny says, "Hey relax sluts, it hasn't
opened yet!"

The Pope was cruising along the beach in the Pope-mobile when there was a
frantic commotion just off-shore. A helpless man, wearing an English rugby
jersey, was struggling frantically to free himself from the jaws of a 25 foot shark.

As the Pope watched in horror, a speedboat pulled up with three men wearing
Welsh, Irish and Scottish rugby jerseys. One quickly fired a harpoon into the
shark's side while the other two reached out and pulled the hapless English fan
from the water. Then, using long clubs, the three beat the shark to death and
hauled it into the boat.

Immediately the Pope shouted and summoned them to him. "I give you my
blessing for your brave actions. I heard that there were some bitter hatred
between the Celtic and English rugby fans, but now I have seen with my own
eyes that this is not true."

As the Pope drove off, the harpooner asked his buddies: "Who was that?" "It was
the Pope," one replied. "He is in direct contact with God and has access to all of
God's wisdom." "Well" the harpooner said, "he may have access to God and his
wisdom, but he doesn't know anything about shark fishing. Is the bait holding up
OK or do we need to get another one?"

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A girl came skipping home from school one day. "Mummy, Mummy," she yelled.
"We were counting today, and all the other kids could only count to four, but I
counted to 10. See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9,10!" "Very good," said her mother. "Is
it because I'm blonde, Mummy?" "Yes, it's because you're blonde," her mother
replied.

The next day, the girl came skipping home from school. "Mummy, Mummy," she
yelled, "we were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids could only say
it to D, but I said it to G. See? A, B, C, D, E, F, G!" "Very good," said her mother.
"Is it because I'm blonde, Mummy?" Yes, pumpkin, it's because you're blonde."

The next day the girl came skipping home from school. "Mummy, Mummy," she
yelled, "we were in gym class today, and when we showered, all the other girls
had flat chests, but I have these!" And she lifted her tank top to reveal a pair of
36Cs. "Very good," said her embarrassed mother. "Is it because I'm blonde,
Mummy?" "No... it's because you're 25."

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices a beautiful blond woman wave at him
and say hello.

He's rather taken aback, because he can't place where he knows her from. So he
says, "Do you know me?" To which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of
my kids."

Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife
and says, "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I laid on the
pool table with all my buddies watching, while your partner whipped me with wet
celery and then stuck a carrot up my butt???"

She looks into his eyes and calmly says, "No... I'm your son's math teacher."

There was a preacher whose wife was expecting a baby so he went before the
congregation and asked for a raise. After much discussion, they passed a rule
that whenever the preacher's family expanded, so would his pay check.

After 6 children, this started to get expensive and the Congregation decided to
hold another meeting to discuss the preacher's salary. There was much yelling
and bickering about how much the clergyman's additional children were costing
the church.

Finally, the Preacher got up and spoke to the crowd, "Children are a gift from
God," he said. Silence fell on the congregation. In the back pew, a little old lady
stood up and in her frail voice said, "Rain is also a gift from God, but when we get
too much of it, we wear rubbers."

And the congregation said, "Amen."

NEED ADVICE? MAYBE ABBY CAN HELP... OR NOT...

Dear Abby, A couple of women moved in across the hall from me. One is a
middle-aged gym teacher and the other is a social worker in her mid twenties.
These two women go everywhere together and I've never seen a man go into or
leave their apartment. Do you think they could be Lebanese?
Dear Abby, What can I do about all the Sex, Nudity, Fowl Language and Violence
On my VCR?

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Dear Abby, I have a man I can't trust. He cheats so much, I'm not even sure the
baby I'm carrying is his.
Dear Abby, I am a twenty-three year old liberated woman who has been on the
pill for two years. It's getting expensive and I think my boy friend should share
half the cost, but I don't know him well enough to discuss money with him.
Dear Abby, I've suspected that my husband has been fooling around, and when
confronted with the evidence, he denied everything and said it would never
happen again.
Dear Abby, Our son writes that he is taking Judo. Why would a boy who was
raised in a good Christian home turn against his own?
Dear Abby, I joined the Navy to see the world. I've seen it. Now how do I get out?
Dear Abby, My forty year old son has been paying a psychiatrist $50.00 an hour
every week for two and a half years. He must be crazy.
Dear Abby, I was married to Bill for three months and I didn't know he drank until
one night he came home sober.
Dear Abby, My mother is mean and short tempered. I think she is going through
mental pause.
Dear Abby, You told some woman whose husband had lost all interest in sex to
send him to a doctor. Well, my husband lost all interest in sex, and he IS a doctor.
Now what do I do?

This guy and his girlfriend head to the local bar. The girl says she'll be happy
to pick up the round as she's heard of a new drink she wants him to try.

She gets back to the table and has two drinks for him. One is a shot of Bailey's,
and the other a shot of lime juice. She says, "Ok, what you have to do is swig the
Bailey's, hold it in your mouth, and then drink the lime juice."

He looks a little dubious but does as he's told because she's really cute when
she's enthusiastic and he has plans for later.

First he swigs the Bailey's, holding it and swishing it back and forth over his
tongue. Smooth. Creamy. A warm feeling in his mouth. Then he adds the lime
juice to mix with the Bailey's.

After about a second, the cream in the Bailey's curdles in his mouth. Two seconds
into it his face turns the colour of fresh lime juice. Five seconds and he finally
calms his stomach enough to swallow the mess.

With a look of near horror on his face, he turns to her and asks, "What the fuck
was in that?" She whispers in his ear... "It's called Blowjob revenge”.

Summer Rendezvous: As I lay on my bed thinking about you, I feel this strong
urge to grab you and squeeze you, because I can't forget last night. You came to
me unexpectedly during the balmy and calm night, and what happened in my bed
still leaves a tingling sensation in me.

You appeared from nowhere and shamelessly, without any reservations, you
Lay on my naked body. You sensed my indifference, so you applied your hungry
mouth to me without any guilt or humiliation, and you drove me near crazy
while you drained me. Finally I went to sleep.

Today when I woke up you were gone. I searched for you but to no avail.
Only the sheets bore witness to last night's events. My body still bears

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faint marks of your enthusiastic ravishing, making it harder to forget you.

Tonight I will remain awake waiting for you...

You f**king mosquito.

First-year students at Med School were receiving their first anatomy class
with a real dead human body. They all gathered around the surgery table with the
body covered with a white sheet.

The professor started the class by telling them, "In medicine, it is necessary to
have two important qualities as a doctor. The first is that you not be disgusted by
anything involving the human body."

For an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt
of the corpse, withdrew it and stuck his finger in his mouth.

"Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students.

The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns
sticking a finger in the butt of the dead body and sucking on it.

When everyone had finished, the Professor looked at them and told them,

"The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my

middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention."

Is a gynecologist a spreader of old wives tales?

Inflatable Doll: A guy goes into an adult store in Kings Cross, Sydney, and asks for an
inflatable doll.

Guy behind the counter says, "Male or female?" Customer says, "Female."

Counter guy asks, "Black or white?" Customer says, "White."

Counter guy asks, "Christian or Muslim?" Customer says, "What the hell does religion have to
do with it?"

Counter guy says, "The Muslim one blows itself up."

From “Smitty” in the States. Diet: I have a Labrador retriever and was buying
a large bag of Purina at Woolworth’s Big W, waiting in line to check out. A woman
behind me asked if I had a dog.
On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Purina Diet again, although I
probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital the last time, but that I'd
lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming

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out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to
load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every
time you feel hungry, that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try
it one more time.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled
with my story, particularly a tall, black guy who was behind her.

Horrified, she asked if I'd been poisoned to end up in the hospital. I told her no,
I'd been sitting in the street licking my balls and a car hit me. I thought the black
guy was going to have to have help as he staggered to the door in hysterics.

Next time you're in a clothing store, go in the fitting room and yell, "We're outta
toilet paper in here!" and see what happens.

Best voice mail message: "Hello. There's no one here to take your call. At the sound of
the tone, please hang up."

A LITTLE HUMOUR (very little)

Next time you're at the check-out counter, ask the clerk, "Is this enough toilet paper for
this amount of groceries?"

If she asks, "Do you want a bag?" Say, "Oh, I don't know, can you cook?"

If the officer ask you where you're going in such a hurry, never say, "Your House."

Women can do things men can't do,...... nag, bitch, ovulate.....

Why don't convenience stores sell ski masks?

No, I never cheated on my wives. I had post-nuptial reversions

Men don't live longer than women.....it just seems longer

Okay done. Finished.