The Friday Aggravate 26th May 2006

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the
front door. "Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner." She rubbed baby oil all
over him, then dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you,"
she said, "pretend you're a statue."
"What's this?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.
"Oh it's a statue," she replied," the Smiths bought one and I liked it so I got one for us too". No
more was said, not even when they went to bed.
Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer.
"Here," he said to the statue, "Have this...I stood like that for two days at the Smith's and nobody
offered me a damned thing."

Three young women go down to Mexico one night to celebrate their college graduations. They
drink way too much and wake up in jail, only to find that they are to be executed in the morning,
though none of them can remember what they did the night before.
The first one, a redhead, is strapped into the electric chair and asked if she has any last words.
She says, "I just graduated from Brigham Young University and believe in the almighty power of
God to intervene on the behalf of the innocent." They throw the switch and nothing happens.
They all immediately fall to the floor on their knees; beg for her forgiveness, and release her.
The second one, a brunette, is strapped in and gives her last words, "I just graduated from the
Harvard School of Law and I believe in the power of justice to intervene on the part of the
innocent." They throw the switch and, again, nothing happens. Again, they all immediately fall to
their knees; beg for her forgiveness, and release her.
The last one, a blonde, is strapped in and says, "Well, I'm from Michigan, just graduated with a
degree in Electrical Engineering, and I'll tell you right now, you're not going to electrocute anyone
if you don't plug this thing in!"

Tips for Handling Telemarketers ( Boy will you love this advice.)

Three Little Words That Work !!

(1)The three little words are: "Hold On, Please..."

Saying this, while putting down your phone and walking off (instead of hanging-up immediately)
would make each telemarketing call so much more time-consuming that boiler room sales would
grind to a halt.

Then when you eventually hear the phone company's "beep-beep-beep" tone, you know it's time
to go back and hang up your handset, which has efficiently completed its task.

These three little words will help eliminate telephone

soliciting.

(2) Do you ever get those annoying phone calls with no one on the other end?

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This is a telemarketing technique where a machine makes phone calls and records the time of day
when a person answers the
phone.

This technique is used to determine the best time of day for a "real" sales person to call back and
get someone at home.

What you can do after answering, if you notice there is no one there, is to immediately start
hitting your # button on the phone, 6 or 7 times, as quickly as possible .. This confuses the
machine that dialled the call and it kicks your number out of their system. Gosh, what a shame
not to have your name in their system any longer !!!

(3) Junk Mail Help:

When you get "ads" enclosed with your phone or utility bill, return these "ads" with your payment.
Let the sending companies throw their own junk mail away.

When you get those "pre-approved" letters in the mail for everything from credit cards to 2nd
mortgages and similar type junk, do not throw away the return envelope.

Most of these come with postage-paid return envelopes, right? It costs them more than the
regular 37 cents postage "IF" and when they receive them back.

It costs them nothing if you throw them away! The postage was around 50 cents before the last
increase and it is according to the weight. In that case, why not get rid of some of your other junk
mail and
put it in these cool little, postage-paid return envelopes.

One of Andy Rooney's (60 minutes) ideas:

If you want to remain anonymous, just make sure your name isn't on anything you send them.

You can even send the envelope back empty if you want to just to keep them guessing! It still
costs them ....

The banks and credit card companies are currently getting a lot of their own junk back in the mail,
but folks, we need to OVERWHELM them.
Let's let them know what it's like to get lots of junk mail, and best of all they're paying for
it...Twice!

Let's help keep our postal service busy since they are saying that e-mail is cutting into their
business profits, and that's why they need to increase postage costs again. You get the idea !

If enough people follow these tips, it will work

THIS JUST MIGHT BE ONE E-MAIL THAT YOU WILL WANT TO FORWARD TO YOUR
FRIENDS

These are too funny to be made up!! They're a hoot..!!

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True Doctor Stories

A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife's going to have her baby in the
cab!" I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's --Dress,
and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs,
and I was in the wrong one.

--Dr. Mark MacDonald,San Antonio,TX

At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf

female patient's anterior chest wall.
Big breaths," I instructed. Yes, they used to be," remorsefully replied the patient.

-Dr. Richard Byrnes,Seattle,WA

One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had
died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her
reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a "massive internal fart."

--Dr. Susan Steinberg,Manitoba,Canada

I was performing a complete physical, including the visual acuity test. I placed the
patient twenty feet from the chart and began, "Cover your right eye with your hand."
He read the 20/20 line perfectly.
Now your left." Again, a flawless read Now both," I requested. There was silence. He
couldn't even read the large E on the top line. I turned and discovered that he had done
exactly what I had asked; he was standing there with both his eyes covered. I was
laughing too hard to finish the exam.

--Dr. Matthew Theodropolous,Worcester,MA

During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed
me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with one of his medications. Which one?"
I asked. The patch. The nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm
running out of places to put it!" I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped
I wouldn't see. Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body! Now the instructions
include removal of the old patch before applying a new one.

--Dr. Rebecca St. Clair,Norfolk,VA

While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, "How long have you been
bed-ridden?"
After a look of complete confusion she answered. Why, not for about twenty years
-- when my husband was alive."

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--Dr. Steven Swanson,Corvallis,OR

I was caring for a woman from Kentucky and asked, So, how's your breakfast this
morning?"
It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste,"
the patient replied. I then asked to see the jelly and the woman produced a foil packet
labelled "KY Jelly."

--Dr. Leonard Kransdorf , Detroit ,MI

And Finally . . . .

A new, young MD doing his residency in OB was quite embarrassed performing

female pelvic exams. To cover his embarrassment he had unconsciously formed a habit
of whistling softly. The middle aged lady upon whom he was performing this exam
suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassed him. He looked up from his work
and sheepishly said, "I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?"
She replied, "No doctor, but the song you were whistling was 'I wish I was an Oscar
Meyer Wiener."

--won't admit his name

Try this for a one liner. ' ; '< Blessed are the cracked: For it is they who let in the light.

FACTS YOU CAN'T LIVE WITHOUT COURTESY OF “TEXAS GEORGE”

In the 1400's a law was set forth in England that a man was
allowed to beat his wife with a stick no thicker than his thumb.
Hence we have "the rule of thumb"
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Many years ago in Scotland, a new game was invented. It was ruled
"Gentlemen Only...Ladies Forbidden" ... and thus the word GOLF
entered into the English language.
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The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time TV were
Fred and Wilma Flintstone.
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Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than the U.S. Treasury.
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Men can read smaller print than women can; women can hear better.
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Coca-Cola was originally green.
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It is impossible to lick your elbow.
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The State with the highest percentage of people who walk to work: Alaska

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-------------------------------------------
The percentage of Africa that is wilderness: 28% (now get this...) The percentage of North
America that is wilderness: 38%
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The cost of raising a medium-size dog to the age of eleven: $6,400
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The average number of people airborne over the U.S. in any given hour: 61,000
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Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.
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The first novel ever written on a typewriter: Tom Sawyer.
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The San Francisco Cable cars are the only mobile National Monuments.
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Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history:
Spades - King David
Hearts - Charlemagne
Clubs -Alexander, the Great
Diamonds - Julius Caesar
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111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321
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If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in
battle. If the horse has one front leg in the air the person died as a result of wounds received in
battle. If the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes.
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Only two people signed the Declaration of Independence on July 4th, John Hancock and Charles
Thomson. Most of the rest signed on August 2, but the last signature wasn't added until 5 years
later.
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Q. Half of all Americans live within 50 miles of what?
A. Their birthplace
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Q. Most boat owners name their boats. What is the most popular boat name requested?
A. Obsession
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Q. If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you have to go until you would find the letter
"A"?
A. One thousand
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Q. What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and laser Printers all have in
common?
A. All were invented by women.
Q. What is the only food that doesn't spoil?
A. Honey
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Q. Which day are there more collect calls than any other day of the year?
A. Father's Day

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------------------------------------------------------------------------
In Shakespeare's time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes. When you pulled on the
ropes the mattress tightened, making the bed firmer to sleep on. Hence the phrase.........
"goodnight, sleep tight."
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It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a month after the wedding, the bride's father
would supply his son-in-law with all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer and because their calendar
was lunar based, this period was called the honey month, which we know today as the honeymoon.
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In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts... So in old England, when customers got unruly, the
bartender would yell at them "Mind your pints and quarts, and settle down." It's where we get the phrase "mind
your P's and Q's"
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Many years ago in England, pub frequenters had a whistle baked into the rim, or handle, of their ceramic cups.
When they needed a refill, they used the whistle to get some service. "Wet your whistle" is the phrase inspired
by this practice.
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~~~~~~~~~~~AND FINALLY~~~~~~~~~~~~
At least 75% of people who read this will try to lick their elbow! The 20% has better sense than try, and the other
5% are still thinking about it.

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This equation should be taught in all math classes!

From a strictly mathematical viewpoint it goes like this:

What Makes 100%?

What does it mean to give MORE than 100%?

Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than
100%?

We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to

give over 100%.

How can we achieve 103%? What makes up 100% in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

If: A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z is represented as:

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then: H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K (8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11) = 98%

and K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E, (11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5) = 96%
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But, A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E, (1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5) = 100%

And, B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T, (2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20) = 103%

AND, look how far ass kissing will take you. A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G,
(+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7) = 118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that, while hardwork and Knowledge will get
you close, and Attitude will get you there, it's the BULLSHIT and ASSKISSING that will put you
over the top !!!

A tour bus driver is driving with a bus load of seniors down a

highway when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady. She
offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up.
After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and
she hands him another handful of peanuts.
She repeats this gesture about five more times.
When she is about to hand him another batch again he asks the
little old lady, "Why they don't you eat the peanuts yourself?".
"We can't chew them because we've no teeth", she replied.
The puzzled driver asks, "Why do you buy them then?"
The old lady replied, "We just love the chocolate around them."

Cowboy boots: An elderly couple, Ray and Bessie recently moved to Texas. Ray has
always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots. Seeing some on sale one day, he buys them,
wears them home, walking proudly. He walks into the house and says to his wife, "Notice anything
different about me?"
Bessie looks him over, "Nope."
Frustrated, Ray storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks back into the room completely
naked except for the boots. Again, he asks, a little louder this time, "Notice anything different
now??"
Bessie looks up and says, "Ray, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down
yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow."
Furious, Ray yells, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT IS HANGING DOWN, BESSIE? IT'S HANGING
DOWN BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!!!"
To which Bessie replies, "Shoulda bought a hat, Ray. Shoulda bought a hat.

Getting old is not for sissies

The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter eggs.

Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked,
"How old was your husband?"
"98," she replied. "Two years older than me."
So you're 96," the undertaker commented.
She responded, "Hardly worth going home is it?"

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A 97 year old man goes into his doctor's office and says, "Doc, I want my sex drive lowered."
"Sir", replied the doctor, "You're 97. Don't you think your sex drive is all in your head?"
"You're darned right it is!" replied the old man. "That's why I want it lowered!"

Three old guys are out walking. First one says, "Windy, isn't it?" Second one says, "No, it's
Thursday!"
Third one says, "So am I. Let's go get a beer."

A man was telling his neighbour, "I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand
dollars, but its state of the art. It's perfect."
"Really," answered the neighbour. "What kind is it?" "Twelve thirty."

Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later the doctor
saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm. A couple of days
later the doctor spoke to Morris and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?" Morris replied,
"Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.'"
The doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur. Be careful

I've sure gotten old. I've had 2 By-pass surgeries. A hip replacement, new knees, fought
prostate cancer, and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take
40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with
dementia. Have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet anymore, can't remember if I'm
85 or 92, have lost all my friends.
But.....Thank God, I still have my driver's license!

Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was
drafted by the Army.

On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb. That afternoon
the Army barber sheared off all his hair.

On his second day, the Army issued Herman a tooth brush. That afternoon
the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth.

On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap. The Army has been looking
for Herman for 51 years.

To end the week a very learned person sent this. I might explain a few
things to the uninitiated, the unknowing, or just the plain ignorant.
Why Women Are Crabby
We started to "bud" in our blouses at 9 or 10 years old only to find that anything that came in contact with those
tender, blooming buds hurt so bad it brought us to tears. So came the ridiculously uncomfortable training bra
contraption that the boys in school would snap until we had calluses on our backs.
Next, we get our periods in our early to mid-teens (or sooner). Along with those budding boobs, we bloated, we
cramped, we got the hormone crankies, had to wear little mattresses between our legs or insert tubular, packed
cotton rods in places we didn't even know we had.
Our next little rite of passage (premarital or not) was having sex for the first time which was about as much fun
as having a ramrod push your uterus through your nostrils (IF he did it right and didn't end up with his little cart
before his horse), leaving us to wonder what all the fuss was about.
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Then it' was off to Motherhood where we learned to live on dry crackers and water for a few months so we didn't
spend the entire day leaning over Brother John. Of course, amazing creatures that we are (and we are), we
learned to live with the growing little angels inside us steadily kicking our innards night and day making us
wonder if we were preparing to have Rosemary's Baby.
Our once flat bellies looked like we swallowed a watermelon whole and we wet our pants every time we
sneezed. When the big moment arrived, the dam in our blessed Nether Regions invariably burst right in the
middle of the shopping mall and we had to waddle, with our big cartoon feet, moaning in pain all the way to the
labour ward.

Then it was huff and puff and beg to die while the OB says, "Please stop screaming, Mrs. Hearmeroar. Calm
down and push. Just one more good push (more like 10)," warranting a strong, well-deserved impulse to punch
the %*#!* (and hubby) square in the nose for making us cram a wiggling, mushroom-headed 10lb (4.5kg)
bowling ball through a keyhole.

After that, it was time to raise those angels only to find that when all that "cute" wears off, the beautiful little
darlings morphed into walking, jabbering, wet, gooey, snot-blowing, life-sucking little poop machines.
Then comes their "Teen Years." Need I say more? When the kids are almost grown, we women hit our
voracious sexual prime in our early 40's - while hubby had his somewhere around his 18th birthday.
So we progress into the grand finale: "The Menopause," the Grandmother of all womanhood. It's either take HRT
and chance cancer in those now seasoned "buds" or the aforementioned
Nether Regions, or, sweat like a baconer in January, wash your sheets and
pillowcases daily and bite the head off anything that moves.

Now, you ask WHY women seem to be more spiteful than men, when men get
off so easy, INCLUDING the icing on life's cake: Being able to pee in the
bush without soaking their socks...

So, while I love being a woman, "Womanhood" would make the Great
Gandhi a tad crabby. Women are the "weaker sex"? Yeah right. Bite me!

If you go about it the right way the image on the right is animated. See if
you can get some action from her.

A little old lady is walking down the street, dragging two plastic
garbage bags with her, one in each hand.
There's a hole in one of the bags, and every once in a while a $20 bill is
flying out of it onto the pavement.
Noticing this, a policeman stops her...."Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling
out of that bag..."
"Damn!" says the little old lady....."I'd better go back and see if I can still
find some. Thanks for the warning!"
"Well, now, not so fast," says the cop. "How did you get all that money?"
" Did you steal it?"
"Oh, no", says the little old lady. "You see, my back yard backs up to the parking lot of the Telstra
Dome football stadium. Each time there's a game, a lot of fans come and pee in the bushes, right
on to my flower beds!"
"So, I go and stand behind the bushes with a big hedge clipper, and each time someone sticks his
little thingie through the bushes, I say: $20 or off it comes!"

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"Hey, not a bad idea!" laughs the cop. "OK, good luck! By the way, what's in the other bag?"
"Well", says the little old lady, "not all of them pay up"....

American Indians tell of the pious old man who prayed five times a day while his business
partner never set foot in church. On his 80th birthday the old man
prayed:
“Oh God, since I was a youth I have come to the church daily,
prayed at the required times and constantly invoked your name.
Yet, here I am, poor as a church mouse. But look at my business
partner. He drinks, gambles, consorts with women – and still is
rolling in wealth. I wonder if a single prayer has ever crossed his
lips. I do not ask that he be punished, but please Lord, why have
you let him prosper and why do you treat him thus?”
“Because”, God said in reply, “You are such a monumental
bore.”
(Extracted from the magazine Advance Australia – Sept. 1989.

Cat Lover or not...This is hysterical!**

We've all had trouble with our animals, but I don't think anyone can top this one:

Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable. No matter how legitimate my excuse, I always
get the feeling that my boss thinks I'm lying.
However, on one recent occasion I had a valid reason but lied anyway, because the truth was just
too darned humiliating. I simply mentioned that I had sustained a head injury, and I hoped I
would feel up to coming in the next day.
By then, I reasoned, I could think up a doozy to explain the bandage on the top of my head.
The accident occurred mainly because I had given in to my wife's wishes to adopt a cute little
kitty. Initially, the new acquisition was no problem. Then one morning, I was taking my shower
after breakfast when I heard my wife, Deb, call out to me from the kitchen.
"Honey! The garbage disposal is dead again. Please come reset it."
"You know where the button is," I protested through the shower pitter-patter and steam. "Reset it
yourself!"
But I'm scared!" she persisted. "What if it starts going and sucks me in?"
There was a meaningful pause and then, "C'mon, it'll only take you a second."
So out I came, dripping wet and buck naked, hoping that my silent outraged nudity would make a
statement about how I perceived her behaviour as extremely cowardly. Sighing loudly, I squatted
down and stuck my head under sink to find the button.
It is the last action I remember performing. It struck without warning, and without any respect to
my circumstances.
No, it wasn't the hexed disposal, drawing me into its gnashing metal teeth. It was our new kitty,
who discovered the fascinating dangling objects she spied hanging between my legs.
She had been poised around the corner and stalked me as I reached under the sink. And, at the
precise moment when I was most vulnerable, she leapt at the toys I unwittingly offered and
snagged them with her needle-like claws.
I lost all rational thought to control orderly bodily movements, blindly rising at a violent rate of
speed, with the full weight of kitten hanging from my masculine region. Wild animals are
sometimes faced with a "fight or flight" syndrome. Men, in this predicament, choose only the
"flight" option. I know this from experience. I was fleeing straight up into the air whenthe sink and

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cabinet bluntly and forcefully impeded my ascent. The impact knocked me out cold.
Why is it that only the women laugh at this?
When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood over me. Now there are not many things in this
life worse than finding oneself lying on the kitchen floor buck naked in front of a group of "been-
there, done-that" paramedics. Even worse, having been fully briefed by my wife, the paramedics
were all snorting loudly as they tried to conduct their work, all the while trying to suppress their
hysterical laughter... and not succeeding.
Somehow I lived through it all.
A few days later I finally made it back in to the office, where colleagues tried to coax an
explanation out of me about my head injury. I kept silent, claiming it was too painful to talk about,
which it was. "What's the matter?" They all asked, "Cat got your tongue?"
If they only knew!

Sound investments
The young bride approached her awaiting husband on their wedding night and demanded $20 for
their first love-making encounter. In his highly aroused state, he readily agreed.

This scenario was repeated each time they made love for the next 30 years, him thinking it was a
cute way for her to buy new clothes, etc.

Arriving home around noon one day, she found her husband in a very drunken state. Over the
next few minutes she heard of the ravages of financial ruin caused by corporate down sizing and
it's effects on a 50 year old executive.

Calmly, she handed him a bank book showing deposits and interest for 12 years totaling nearly $1
million dollars. Pointing across the parking lot she gestured toward the local bank while handing
him stock certificates worth nearly $2 million dollars and informing him that he was the largest
stockholder in the bank. She told him that for 30 years she had charged him each time they had
sex , and this was the result of her investments.

By now he was distraught and beating his head against the side of the car. She asked him why the
disappointment at such good news and he replied, "If I had known what you were doing, I would
have given you all of my business!"

YOUR EARS..... Peter rents an apartment in New York, and goes to the lobby to put his name on
the group mailbox. While he is there, an attractive young lady comes out of the apartment next to
the mailboxes wearing a robe. Duane smiles at the young lady and she strikes up a conversation
with him. As they talk, her robe slips open, and it's quite obvious that she has nothing on
underneath. Poor Duane breaks out into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact. After a few
minutes, she places her hand on his arm and says, "Let's go in my apartment, I hear someone
coming..." He goes with her into the apartment, and after she closes the door, she leans against it
allowing her robe to fall off completely. Being completely nude, she purrs at him, "What would you
say is my best feature?" The flustered, embarrassed Peter stammers, clears his throat several
times, and finally squeaks out, "Oh, it's got to be your ears!' She's astounded. "Why my ears?
Look at these breasts! They are full, don't sag, and they're 100 percent natural. My buns - they
are firm and do not sag, and have no cellulite. Look at this skin, no blemishes or scars. Why in
heaven's name would you say my ears are the best part of my body?' Clearing his throat once
again, Peter stammers, "Outside when you said you heard someone coming? That was me."

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That’s your lot for this week, If there was more I’d save it for next week. Till then take care, and
watch out for cars with little old men in hats, and young ladies lighting cigarettes and or applying
lipstick turning at intersections.

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