The Friday aggravate 17th November 2006

It was time for Father Patrick's Saturday night bath, and the young nun, Sister
Magdalene, had prepared the bath water and towels just the way the old nun had
instructed.
Sister Magdalene was also instructed not to look at Father Patrick's nakedness if
she could help it, do whatever he told her to do, and pray.
The next morning the old nun asked Sister Magdalene how the Saturday night
bath had gone.
"Oh sister," said the young nun dreamily, "I've been saved."
"Saved? And how did that come about?" asked the old nun.
"Well, when Father Patrick was soaking in the tub, he asked me to wash him, and
while I was washing him he guided my hand down between his legs where he said
the Lord keeps the Key to Heaven"
"Did he now?" said the old nun evenly.
Sister Magdalene continued, "And Father Patrick said that if the Key to Heaven fit
my lock, the portals of Heaven would be opened to me and would be assured
salvation and eternal peace. And then Father Patrick guided his Key to Heaven
into my lock."
"Is that a fact?" said the old nun even more evenly.
"At first it hurt terribly, but Father Patrick said the pathway to salvation was often
painful and that the glory of God would soon swell my heart with ecstasy. And it
did, it felt so good being saved."
"That wicked old bastard" said the old nun. "He told me it was Gabriel's Horn, and
I've been blowing it for 40 years.

Subject: a drunk.
Hehe. Good one. You gotta love a drunk. A drunk walks out of a bar with a key in
his hand and he is stumbling back and forth. A cop on the beat sees him and
approaches "Can I help you sir?" "Yessh! Ssssomebody ssstole my carrr" the man
replies. The cop asks "Where was your car the last time you saw it?"
"It wasss on the end of thisshh key" the man replies. About that time the cop
looks down and sees the man's weiner hanging out of his fly for all the world to
see.
He asks the man "Sir are you aware that you are exposing yourself?"
Momentarily confused, the drunk looks down at his crotch and without missing a
beat, blurts out..........
"Holy shit ----- My girlfriend's gone, too!!!

New Redneck lines... Yes the new one is out! Brand new 2006 edition of..
"You know you're a redneck when......."
1. You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree.
2 You can entertain yourself for more than 15 minutes with a fly swatter.
3. Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.
4. You burn your yard rather than mow it.
5. You think the "nutcracker" is something you do off the high dive tower.
6. The Salvation Army declines your furniture.
7. You offer to give someone the shirt off your back and they don't want it.

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 8. You have the local taxidermist on speed dial.
9. You come back from the dump with more than you took.
10. You keep a can of RAID fly spray on the kitchen table.
11. Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.
12. Your grandmother has "ammo" on her Christmas list.
13. You keep flea and tick soap in the shower.
14. You've been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.
15. You go to the stock car races and don't need a program.
16. You know how many bales of hay your car will hold.
17. You have a rag for a gas cap.
18. Your house doesn't have curtains, but your
truck does.
19. You wonder how service stations keep their
rest rooms so clean.
20. You can spit without opening your mouth.
21. You consider your license plate personalized
because your father made it.
22. Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks
stand.
23. You have a complete set of salad bowls and
they all say "cool whip" on the side.
24. The biggest city you've ever been to is
Walmart.
25. Your working TV sits on top of your non-
working TV.
26. You've used your ironing board as a buffet
table.
27. A tornado hits your neighbourhood and does
a $100,000 worth of improvements.
28. You've used a toilet brush to scratch your
back.
29. You missed your 5th grade graduation
because you were on jury duty.
30. You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65.

Now I should know…… Because my names

Earl! Earl Hickey. And this here’s ma’ brother
Randy.

Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was drafted
by the Army.
On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb.
That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair.
On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush.
That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth.
On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap The Army has been looking for
Herman for 51 years. Miss(ed) Kitten.

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Here are 6 reasons why you should think before you speak - the last one is
great! Have you ever spoken and wished that you could immediately take the
words back...or that you could crawl into a hole?
Here are the Testimonials of a few people who did.... (From Pinnacle Sue)

FIRST TESTIMONY:
I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked
loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?"
I turned around and walked back out and never went back my husband didn't say
a word...he knew better.

SECOND TESTIMONY:
I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy
with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I
was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store.
He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think
I like playing with men's balls."

THIRD TESTIMONY:
My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of
candy and nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the
counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your
nuts." My sister started to laugh hysterically. The boy grinned, and I turned
beet-red and walked away. To this day, my sister has never let me forget.

FOURTH TESTIMONY:
While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-
up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving
looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I told her that if she did not
start behaving "right now" she would be punished. To my horror, she looked me in
the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, "If you don't let me go right now,
I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!" The silence
was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what
they were doing. I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank
with my daughter in tow.
The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me, were screams of laughter.

FIFTH TESTIMONY:
Have you ever asked your child a question too many times? My three-year-old
son had a lot of problems with potty training and was on him constantly. One day
we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch in between errands. It was very busy,
with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of
course I checked my seven-month-old daughter, and she was clean. The realized
that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while, so I asked him if he needed to
go, and he said "No". I kept thinking "Oh Lord, that child has had an accident,
and I don't have any clothes with me." Then I said, "Danny, are you SURE you
didn't have an accident?" "No," he replied. I just KNEW that he must have had an
accident, because the smell was getting worse. Soooooo, I asked one more time,
"Danny, did you have an accident?" This time he jumped up, yanked down his
pants, bent over and spread his cheeks and yelled "SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!"
While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing, he calmly pulled
up his pants and sat down. An old couple made me feel better by thanking me for
the best laugh they'd ever had!

LAST TESTIMONY:
This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a ery embarrassed

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female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks. What
happens when you predict snow but don't get any! We had a female news anchor
that, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the
weather man and asked: "So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last
night?" Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they were
laughing so hard!

Now, didn't that feel good?

Subject: Punishment ( from the “Laird”)

A US Air Force C-141 is scheduled to leave Thule Air Base, Greenland at midnight.
During the pilot's pre-flight check, he discovers that the latrine holding tank is still
full from the last flight. So a message is sent to the base and an airman who was
off duty is called out to take care of it.

The young man finally gets to the air base and makes his way to the aircraft, only
to find that the latrine pump truck has been left outdoors and is frozen solid, so
he must find another one in the hangar, which takes even more time. He returns
to the aircraft and is less than enthusiastic about what he has to do.

Nevertheless, he goes about the pumping job deliberately and carefully (and
slowly) so as not to risk criticism later.

As he's leaving the plane, the pilot stops him and says, "Son, your attitude and
performance has caused this flight to be late and I'm going to personally see to it
that you are not just reprimanded, but punished."

Shivering in the cold, his task finished, he takes a deep breath, stands up tall and
says, "Sir, with all due respect, I'm not your son; I'm an Airman in the United
States Air Force. I've been in Thule, Greenland, for 11 months without any
leave. I have one stripe; it's two-thirty in the morning, the temperature is 40
degrees below zero, and my job here is to pump shit out of your aircraft.

Now, exactly what form of punishment did you have in mind?"

Woodpeckers: A Hawaiian woodpecker and a California woodpecker were

arguing about which place had the toughest trees. The Hawaiian woodpecker
said that they had a tree that no woodpecker could peck. The California
woodpecker challenged him and promptly pecked a hole in the tree with no
problem. The Hawaiian woodpecker was in awe.
The California woodpecker then challenged the Hawaiian woodpecker to peck a
tree in California that was absolutely un-peckable. The Hawaiian woodpecker
expressed confidence that he could do it and accepted the challenge.
After flying to California, the Hawaiian woodpecker successfully pecked the tree
with no problem.
The two woodpeckers were now confused.
How is it that the California woodpecker was able to peck the Hawaiian tree and
the Hawaiian woodpecker was able to peck the California tree when neither one

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was able to peck the tree in their own state?
After much woodpecker-pondering, they both came to the same conclusion: Your
pecker is always harder when you're away from home.

Japanese F*art

A young Japanese girl had been taught all her life that when she married she was
to please her husband and never upset him. So the first morning of her
honeymoon the young Japanese bride crawled out of bed after making love,
stooped down to pick up her husband's clothes and accidentally let out a big fart.
She looked up and said:
"Aww so sowwy...excuse prease, front hole so happy back hole laugh out
loud."

Stress Management: From Miss(ed) Kitten

Just in case you've had a rough day or you ARE having a rough day, here is a
QUICK 7-Step stress management technique recommended in the latest
psychological texts.

1. Picture yourself near a stream.

2. Birds are softly chirping in the cool mountain air.
3. No one but you knows your secret place.
4. You are in total seclusion from the hectic place called "the world."
5. The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of serenity.
6. The water is crystal clear.
7. You can easily make out the face of the person you're holding underwater.

See - You are smiling already

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her
husband burst into the kitchen.
"Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD!
You're cooking too many at once.
TOO MANY!
Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD!
WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER?
They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen
to me when you're cooking! Never!
Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to
salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt.
USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"
The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't
know how to fry a couple of eggs?"
The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you what it feels like
when I'm driving."

Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years they had
shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been
limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.

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One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now
don't get mad at me....I know we've been friends for a long time....but I just
can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it.
Please tell me what your name is." Her friend glared at her. For at least three
minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you
need to know?"

LITTLE JOHNNY STRIKES AGAIN....

A school teacher in Sheffield asked her students to use the word "fascinate" in a
sentence.
Molly put up her hand and said, "My family went to my granddad's farm, and we
all saw his pet sheep It was fascinating."
The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted you to use the word "fascinate,
not fascinating".
Sally raised her hand. She said, "My family went to see Sea World and I was
fascinated."
The teacher said, "Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word
"fascinate."
Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because she had been burned
by Little Johnny before. She finally decided there was no way he could damage
the word "fascinate", so she called on him.
Johnny said, "My aunt Gina has a jumper with ten buttons, but her tits are so big
she can only fasten eight."

Two blokes staggered into the pub, dragging their extremely pissed mate
with them. When they reached the bar, they let him go and he collapsed in a
drunken heap on the floor. "I'll have two beers," one of them slurred to the
baram. "What about him?" asked the barman, pointing to the unconscious chap.
"No more for him - he's driving," the patron answered.

President Bush and Rumsfeld are sitting in a bar. A guy walks in and asks the
barman, "Isn't that Bush and Rumsfeld sitting over there?" The bartender says,
"Yep, that's them." So the guy walks over and says, "Wow, this is a real honour!
What are you guys doing in here?" Bush says, "We're planning WW III." And the
guy says, "Really? What's going to happen?" Bush says, "Well, we're going to kill
140 million Muslims and one blonde with big tits." The guy exclaimed, "A blonde
with big tits? Why kill a blonde with big tits?" Bush turns to Rumsfeld and says,
"See, I told you no one CARES about the 140 million Muslims".

Barry returned from a doctor's visit one day and told his wife Carolyn that the
doctor said he only had 24 hours to live. Wiping away her tears, he asked her to
make love with him. Of course she agreed and they made passionate love.

Six hours later, Barry went to her again, and said, "Honey, now I only have 18
hours left to live. Maybe we could make love again?" Carolyn agreed and again
they made love.

Later, Barry was getting into bed when he realised he now had only eight hours of
life left. He touched Carolyn's shoulder and said, "Honey? Please? just once more
before I die." She agreed, then afterward she rolled over and fell asleep.

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Barry, however, heard the clock ticking in his head, and he tossed and turned
until he was down to only four more hours. He tapped his wife on the shoulder to
wake her up. "Honey, I only have four hours left! Could we...?" His wife sat up
abruptly, turned to him and said, "Listen Barry, I have to get up in the morning!
You don't."

These three guys die in a car wreck, and they all go to Hell. When they arrive,
the Devil asks each of the men what their sin was. The first guy says "It's gotta
be the booze. I'm always drunk."The Devil decides to lock him in this room for
100 years with nothing but shelves of every kind of alcohol you could dream of.
The guy's thinking, "Fuck yeah! Look at all this alcohol!" and runs into the room.

The second guy says, "It's the women. I could never stay faithful to my wife." The
devil opens the second door and nothing but the finest looking naked women that
you have ever seen. And he would be the only guy in there for 100 years. He
couldn't believe it. His dick was instantly hard and he went hauling ass into the
room and the Devil shut the door.

The third man said "It's gotta be the bud. I'm always tokin' up." The Devil opens
the third door to reveal nothing but fields of 10-foot tall, icky, sticky, take-a-toke,
make-ya-choke, chronic, green, death bud. The stoner can't believe it. He goes in
and takes a seat Indian style with his back to the door and the Devil shuts the
door behind him.

One hundred years go by and the Devil comes back to check on the three men.

He opens the first door and the man comes crawling out. He's got an empty
bottle in one hand, he's completely naked, hasn't shaved or showered in years,
and is covered in his own puke, shit and piss. "I'll never drink again!" he says.
The devil tells him that at least he learned something and decides to give him a
second shot at life.

The devil then opens the second door and the man comes running out even faster
than when he went in. "I'm fucking gay!" he screams. The devil decides that at
least he learned not to cheat on his wife and gives him another chance as well.

The devil then comes to the third door. He opens it and nothing has changed. The
stoner is still sitting in the same position that he was 100 years ago. The devil
asks him if he learned anything. The stoner turns around as a tear rolls down his
cheek. "You gotta a light man?"

A virile, young Italian gentleman was relaxing at his favourite bar in Rome ,
when he managed to attract a spectacular young blonde. Things progressed to
the point where he invited her back to his apartment, and after some small talk,
they retired to his bedroom where he rattled her senseless. After a pleasant
interlude, he asked with a smile, "So... you finish?" She paused for a second,
frowned, and replied, "No."

Surprised, the young man reached for her and the rattling resumed. This time she
thrashes about wildly and there are screams of passion. The rooting ends, and
again, the young man smiles, and again he asks, "You finish?"And again, after a
short pause, she returns his smile, cuddles closer to him, and softly says, "No."

Stunned, but damned if this woman is going to outlast him, the young man
reaches for the woman yet again using the last of his strength, he barely

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manages it, but they end together, screaming, bucking, clawing, and ripping the
bed sheets. The exhausted man falls onto his back, gasping. Barely able to turn
his head, he looks into her eyes, smiles proudly, and asks again, "You finish?"

Barely able to speak, she whispers in his ear, "No, I Norwegian."

A "heads up" for you and any of your friends who may be regular
Bunnings customers.

Over the last month I met the victim of a clever scam whilst out shopping. Simply
going out to get hardware supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be
naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you.

Here's how the scam works: Two seriously good looking 18 or 19 year old girls
come over to your car as you are loading your stuff into the car. They both start
wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling
out of their skimpy T-shirts. It is impossible not to look.

When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say "No" and instead ask you for
a ride to another Bunnings store. You agree and they get in the back seat.

On the way, they start having sex with each other. Then one of them climbs over
into the front seat and performs oral sex on you, while the other one steals your
wallet. I had my wallet stolen September 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th,
20th, three times just yesterday, and very likely again this upcoming weekend as
soon as I can buy some more wallets. By the way it is a long way from Hobart to
Launceston, and vice versa.

Two Irish engineers Patrick and Seamus (Design Engineers) were standing at
the base of a flagpole, looking up.

A woman walked by and asked what they were doing. "We're supposed to find the
height of the flagpole," said Patrick, "but we don't have a ladder."

The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a few bolts, and laid the pole
down. Then she took a tape measure from her pocket, took a measurement,
announced, "5 metres" and then walked away.

Seamus shook his head and laughed. "Ain't that just like a blonde! We ask for the
height and she gives us the length!"

A woman meets a man in a bar. They talk; they connect; they end up leaving
together. They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment,
she notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet,
cuddly teddy bears. There are three shelves in the bedroom, with hundreds and
hundreds of cute, cuddly teddy bears, carefully placed in rows covering the entire
wall!

It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them and
she was immediately touched by the amount of thought he had put into
organising the display. There were small bears all along the bottom shelf,
medium-sized bears covering the length of the middle shelf, and huge, enormous
bears running all the way along the top shelf. She found it strange for an
obviously masculine guy to have such a large a collection of Teddy Bears, but
doesn't mention this to him, and actually is quite impressed by his sensitive side.

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They share a bottle of wine and continue talking and, after a while, she finds
herself thinking, "Oh my God! Maybe, this guy could be the one! Maybe he could
be the future father my children?"

She turns to him and kisses him lightly on the lips. He responds warmly. They
continue to kiss, the passion builds, and he romantically lifts her in his arms and
carries her into his bedroom where they rip off each other's clothes and make
hot, steamy love. She is so overwhelmed that she responds with more passion,
more creativity, more heat than she has ever known.

After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive guy, they are
lying there together in the afterglow. The woman rolls over, gently strokes his
chest and asks coyly, "Well, how was it?" The guy gently smiles at her, strokes
her cheek, looks deeply into her eyes, and says: "Help yourself to any prize from
the middle shelf."

Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given their
new wives duties.

Terry had married a woman from America, and bragged that he had told his wife
she was going to do all the dishes and housework. He said that it took a couple
days but on the third day he came home to a clean house and the dishes were all
washed and put away.

Jimmie had married a woman from Canada. He bragged that he had given his
wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes, and the cooking. He told
them that the first day he didn't see any results, but the next day it was better.
By the third day, his house was clean, the dishes were done, and he had a huge
dinner on the table.

The third man had married an Aussie girl. He boasted that he told her that her
duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry
washed and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't
see anything, the second day he didn't see anything, but by the third day most of
the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye. Enough to
fix himself a bite to eat, load the dishwasher, and call a landscaper.

God Bless Australian Women.

Wooooo... and that’s update over. Hopefully it’s all

good too because I’ve been staring at the page for
the last hour scrolling up and down almost
adamant there’s something I’ve forgotten. No
matter – I’m sure there’ll be ten million emails
waiting for me in the morning if I have...