The Friday Aggravate 7th April 2006

A Florist goes to the barber for a haircut and when he goes to pay, the barber says "I
can't accept any money - I am doing a community service". The Florist is happy and
leaves the shop. The next morning when the Barber goes to open his shop, there is a
Thankyou Card and a dozen roses waiting at his door.

A Cop goes for a haircut and he also goes to pay the Barber and the barber replies: "I
am Sorry, I cannot accept money from you - I am doing a Community Service". The Cop is
happy and leaves the shop. The next morning when the Barber goes to open his shop,
there is a Thankyou Card and a dozen Donuts waiting at his door.

An Italian guy goes for a haircut and he also goes to pay the Barber and the barber
replies: "I am Sorry, I cannot accept money from you - I am doing a Community Service".
The Italian guy of course is very happy and leaves the shop.

The next morning when the Barber goes to open his shop, he finds a dozen Italians
waiting for a haircut...

A man on his way home from work, comes to a dead halt in traffic and thinks to himself,
"This traffic seems worse than usual. Nothing's even moving."

He notices a police officer walking back and forth between the lines of cars, so he rolls
down his window and asks, "Constable, what's the hold up?" The constable replies, "It's
Eddie McGuire. He's just so depressed about his personal life - the thought of moving
with Carla and Joseph to Sydney and the state of disruption amongst his beloved
Magpies, Channel 9 losing the football coverage, having to give up The Footy Show, Who
wants to be a Millionaire, and his Triple M radio show, that he's stopped his motorcade
in the middle of the freeway and he's threatening to douse himself in petrol and set
himself on fire. He says his family hates him and he doesn't have the money to pay for
the new house renovations at Point Piper and to bring his current house in Toorak up to
scratch to put it on the market. We're taking up a collection for him."

"Oh really? How much have you got so far?" "About three hundred litres, but a lot of
people are still siphoning."

Widdle Wabbits: A precocious little girl walks into a pet

shop and asks, "Excuthe me, do you have any widdle
wabbits?"
The shopkeeper's heart melts so he gets down on his
knees so that he's on her level and says "Do you want a
widdle white wabbit or a thoft, fuffy bwack wabbit, or
one like that widdle bwown wabbit over there?"
The little girl blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands
on her knees, leans forward and whispers ... " I don't
weally fink my pet pyfon gives a phuk."

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Just minutes before the church services started the towns people were sitting in their
pews and talking. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone
started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic
effort to get away from evil incarnate. Soon everyone had exited the church except for
one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious to
the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.

So Satan walked up to the old man and said, "Don't you know who I am?" The man
replied, "Yep, sure do." "Aren't you afraid of me?" Satan asked. "Nope, sure ain't" said
the man.

"Don't you realise I can kill you with a word?" asked Satan. "Don't doubt it for a
minute," returned the old man, in an even tone. "Did you know that I could cause you
profound, horrifying, physical agony forever?" "Yep," was the calm reply. "And you're
still not afraid?" asked Satan. "Nope.

"More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, "Well, why aren't you afraid of me?" The
man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for 45 years." Two friends were in a bar
drinking a beer when one pulled out a cigar but he didn't have a lighter so he asked his friend if he
Two friends were in a bar drinking a beer when one pulled out a cigar but he didn't
have a lighter so he asked his friend if he had one. "I sure do," he replied and reached
into his pocket and pulled out a 10 inch Bic lighter.

"Wow!" said his friend, "where did you get that monster." "I got it from my genie." "You
have a genie?" he asked. "Yes, he's right here in my pocket." "Could I see him?"

He reaches into his pocket and pulls out a very small genie. The friend says, "I'm a good
friend of your master. Will you grant me one wish?" "Yes I will," the genie said so he
asks him for a million bucks and the genie hops back into his master's pocket and leaves
the man standing there waiting for his million bucks.

About this time, a duck walks into the bar followed by another. Then more ducks come
pouring in. Before long the entire bar has ducks everywhere. The friend tells his buddy,
"What is going on here, I asked for a million bucks not ducks!" He answers, "I forgot to
tell you the genie is hard of hearing. Do you really think I asked him for a 10 inch Bic?"

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident on a snowy, cold Monday morning;
it's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them is
hurt. God works in mysterious ways. After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says,
"So... You're a man.

That's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but
we're unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live
together in peace for the rest of our days." Flattered, the man replies, "Oh yes, I agree
with you completely, this must be a sign from God!"

The woman continues, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely
demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine
and celebrate our good fortune."

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Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens it, and
drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman.

The woman takes the bottle and immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to
the man. The man asks, "Aren't you having any?" The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just
wait for the police..."

From the “Laird” came this politically correct tale.

Father O'Malley rose from his bed. It was a fine

spring day in his new Canberra parish. He walked to
the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of
the beautiful day outside. He then noticed there was
a jackass lying dead in the middle of his front lawn.
He promptly called the Parliament for assistance.
The conversation went like this:

"Good morning. This is Kim Beasley. How might I

help you?

"And the best of the day te yerself. This is Father

O'Malley at St. Brigid's. There's a donkey lying dead
in me front lawn. Would ye be so kind as to send a
couple o' yer lads to take care of the matter.

Mr. Kim Beasley considering himself to be quite a wit, replied with a smirk, "Well now Father,
it was always my impression that you people took care of last rites!"

There was dead silence on the line for a long moment.

Father O'Malley then replied "Aye, that's certainly true, but we are also obliged to notify the
next of kin.

Medical practitioners and Surgeons have some strange stories that they can relate.
The following are the case in point.

Colonoscopies: A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by
his patients (Predominately male) while he was performing their Colonoscopies:

1. "Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before!"
2. "Find Amelia Earhart yet?"
3. "Can you hear me NOW?"
4. "Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?"
5. "You know, in Arkansas, we're now legally married."
6. "Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?"
7. "You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out..."
8. "Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!"
9. "If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!"

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10. "Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity."
11. "You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?"
12. "God, Now I know why I am not gay."

And the best one of them all...

13. "Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?"

HER DIARY

Tonight I thought he was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a bar to have a
drink. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact
that I was a bit late, but he made no comment.
Conversation wasn't flowing so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk.
He agreed but he kept quiet and absent. I asked him what was wrong; he said nothing. I
asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said it had nothing to do with me and
not to worry.
On the way home I told him that I loved him, he simply smiled and kept driving. I can't
explain his behaviour; I don't know why he didn't say I love you too. When we got home
I felt as if I had lost him, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat
there and watched T.V. He seemed distant and absent.
Finally, I decided to go to bed. About 10 minutes later he came to bed, and to my
surprise he responded to my caress and we made love, but I still felt that he was
distracted and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep
- I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his
thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.

HIS DIARY

Today, Collingwood lost. At least I got laid!

Life doesn’t get any tougher than that.

Never lie to kids, ESPECIALLY GIRLS!!

There was a guy sunbathing in the nude. He saw a little girl coming toward him, so he
covered himself with the newspaper he was reading.

The girl came up to him and asked, "What do you have under the newspaper?"

Thinking quickly, the guy replied, "A bird."

The girl walked away, and the guy fell asleep.

When he woke up, he was in the hospital in tremendous pain. The police asked him what
happened.

The guy says, "I don't know. I was lying on the beach, this little girl asked me a question,
I guess I dozed off, and the next thing I know is I'm here."

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The police went to the beach, found the girl, and asked her, "What did you do to that
naked fellow?"

After a pause, the girl replied, "To him? Nothing, I was playing with his bird and it spat
on me, so I broke its neck, cracked its eggs and set it's nest on fire!!!"

Never lie to kids, ESPECIALLY GIRLS!!

We don’t usually place advertisements in the Friday Aggravate, however,

this week I have made an exception.For sale

My mate is selling 2 mobiles that he doesn't use anymore, if anyone is

interested:

Almost new Nokia with camera (4.1 mega pixels) ($250) ono

Older model Nokia with camera and vibrating alert ($150) ono

I have attached photos if you want to see before you buy.

Having A Bad Day At Work? Try Working In an ICU!

In a hospital's Intensive Care Unit, patients always died in the same bed, on Sunday
morning, at about 11:00 a.m., regardless of their medical condition.

This puzzled the doctors and some even thought it had something to do with the
supernatural. No one could solve the mystery as to why the deaths occurred around
11:00 a.m. on; Sunday, so a worldwide team of experts was assembled to investigate the
cause of the incidents.

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The next Sunday morning, a few minutes before 11:00 a.m., all of the doctors and nurses
nervously waited outside the ward to see for themselves what the terrible phenomenon
was all about.† Some were holding wooden crosses, prayer books, and other holy objects
to ward off the evil spirits.

Just when the clock struck 11:00, “Pookie” Johnson, the part-time Sunday cleaner,
entered the ward and unplugged the life support system so he could use the vacuum
cleaner.

Down for the count. An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count
as part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar
home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow." The next day the 85-year-old man
reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty
as on the previous day.
The doctor asked what happened and the man explained. "Well, doc, it's like this. First I
tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.
Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still
nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with her teeth in, then with her teeth out, still
nothing. "We even called up Arlene, the lady next door, and she tried too, first with
both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still
nothing."
The doctor was shocked. "You asked your neighbour?"
The old man replied, "Yep. And none of us could get the jar open.

Some years ago a farmer assembled his four sons in the barn and asked, "Someone pushed
our outhouse into the river. I believe it was one of you. I want the person who did it to
voluntarily raise their hand."

None of the four boys raised their hand.

The father went on, "Do you remember the story of George Washington? When he was a boy
he cut down a cherry tree in his backyard. When his father asked who did it he admitted it
was he. George Washington's father did not punish him for telling the truth. Please be
truthful. Which of you pushed over the outhouse into the river?"

The second oldest son immediately raised his hand.

The father grabbed his arm and walked him to the woodshed, where he gave him a thrashing
he’d never forget.

After the beating the wailing young man asked, "Dad, George Washington wasn’t punished
for telling the truth. Why was I??

The father looked him in the eye and responded, "When George cut down the tree his father
was not seated in it."

An ode to the computer and wh7y they crash. By Dr Seuss

If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port,
and the bus is interrupted at a very last resort,

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and the access of the memory makes your floppy disk abort,
then the socket packet pocket has an error to report.

If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash,

and the double-clicking icon puts your window in the trash,
and your data is corrupted cause the index doesn't hash,
then your situation's hopeless and your system's gonna crash!

If the label on the cable on the table at your house,

says the network is connected to the button on your mouse,
but your packets want to tunnel to another protocol,
that's repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall.

And your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss,

so your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse;
then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang,
'cuz sure as I'm a poet, the sucker's gonna hang.

When the copy on your floppy's getting sloppy in the disk,

and the macro code instructions is causing unnecessary risk,
then you'll have to flash the memory and you'll want to RAM your ROM,
and then quickly turn off the computer and be sure to tell your Mom!

Now ain’t he clever?

Maybe next week I maybe able to give an image list of journo’s who keep the files
coming in thick and fast. That should be interesting.

That's it! All finished for another week! I've had to

dig deep into my heart and soul to crank this bad boy
out, mind you I had some help from certain quarters
but I can say with great certainty that there is nothing
else I would rather be doing on a Thursday... and
Wednesday... and all the other days it took me to
screw this edition together, but it was fun.