Chapter 5

ROLES OF A HUSBAND
God instituted marriage and sex guidelines for it because He is the God of order. In marriage both
husband and wife have different but crucial roles to play for the relationship to work. You need to
follow God’s Word to have a perfect recipe for marriage. Without His Word, you are playing a
game without knowing the rules of the game and you will suffer for lack of knowledge because God
does not put premium on ignorance.

Roles of a Husband
The first role of the husband is to head or lead his marriage.
God places the responsibility of marriage on the husband. You must therefore head your marriage
and oversee all matters of your home irrespective of your talent, age, wealth or education. God has
given a man greater strength and natural ability in leadership than a woman. He is less emotional
but gets emotional fulfilment as he provides, protects, organizes, directs, inspires and influences the
activities in marriage because he sees them as a sign of power, competence and achievements. The
survival of a marriage and each member of the family therefore depends upon the husband.

Some Practical Ways to Head a Marriage

Be a good role model.
Be enthusiastic about you work and role as a mentor and mould your wife through character,
teachings, counselling and support. You cannot be a leader unless you first learn to follow and be
led. You must therefore have to be an example of what you want your wife to be. This helps your
wife to entrust her life to you. A good leader is primarily a servant-leader. To be committed to
excellence, you must constantly improve yourself to be able to improve your wife.

Provide security.
Security is a basic need of a woman because she is the weaker vessel. Protect your wife
emotionally, spiritually, physically and financially. Emotional security ensures that your wife is safe
to share her feelings without arguments and interruptions from you. A woman loves to talk. If your
wife does not want to talk, it simply means she does not feel safe or you do not care about her.
Accept her weakness and imperfections. Be accessible to her always. Let her know how to reach
you. Call often. Send notes or text just to say she is dear to you and you love her only.

Defend your wife from the attack of outsiders, including friends, in-laws, neighbours and children.
Certain secrets must be kept between only the two of you. If you treat your wife with respect, love
and consideration, others including your children, will respect her.

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Provide your wife with her basic needs like food, clothing, a safe place to live, a home where she
can feel comfortable and raise a family. Buy her things she consider necessary. Give her money
regularly to spend the way she wants to and help her stay out of debt.
Appreciate her physical limitations and protect her against overwork. Help her in household
activities and childcare to help ease the burden on her. A wife feel loved and cherished when if her
husband takes even small steps to assist her in domestic work.

Have a mission and vision for your family.

You must have a sense of direction for your family. Have a clear idea of your family’s current goals
and the resources needed to attain them. This may include where to stay, the number of children to
have, investment and skill improvement.

Make mutual decisions.

You must always ask for your wife’s opinion and make mutual decisions in all important plans,
programmes and concerns of your marriage and even delegating some duties to your wife where she
has a better ability. Encourage her to share views and listen with empathy because in happy
marriages, decision making is a shared activity between husband and wife.
A husband who accept his wife’s input has a happier marriage, greater intimacy, improved health
and reduced stress. It is also known that having a say in her marriage is what a wife sees as the most
important contribution in a marriage because it makes her feel valued and appreciated. Equal
partnership builds a stronger marriage as you define your goals and work hard towards them.

Promote the spiritual development of your family.

St. Augustine addressed fathers as ‘fellow bishops’. A husband in a family stands in the place of
Christ. You are a priest and a prophet. God therefore holds you responsible for the spiritual
development of your family because you are His representative in the family. You must therefore
teach, instruct, and lead your wife to spiritual development. You must lead the family in prayer and
scripture reading.
You must pursue your own personal relationship with God and set an example of self-discipline in
the fear of God. If you lose your personal standing with God, you lose your footing as a husband.
Be aware that Satan will destroy a marriage by focusing on the head. If he can neutralize you by
luring you away from your God-given responsibilities he has neutralized the family as well. You
must therefore pray for wisdom to lead your family.

The second role of a husband is to love his wife as his own body or as Christ loved the church
and gave Himself up for it.

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You must love your wife because every aspect of a woman’s existence is dependent on the love she
receives from her husband. A wife’s greatest need is the emotional connection with her husband. If
a wife is not loved by her husband, her work output, social balance and everything about her falls
with it. You must therefore make every effort to love your wife. He who loves his wife also loves
himself.

Some Practical Ways to Love Your Wife

Be patient.
St Augustine called patience the ‘companion of wisdom.’ Appreciate that women are controlled by
fast hormonal changes and may experience mood swings or react uncontrollably. Some may be
slow learners, some may be stubborn, while others may be afraid to commit themselves completely
to marriage. Some habits may also take time to develop.
Let go the urge to control or rush your wife. Adjustment takes time and may even remain a lifetime
challenge. Give her space to develop at her own pace. If you are patient, you encourage your wife to
grow her personal feelings, hopes, and aspirations. You must therefore be patient even in affliction
because you will receive the blessing of love and strengthen your marriage. If your patience grows,
you become more mature and love dwells in you.

Be kind.
Show spoken kindness by sharing words of motivation, support, encouragement and appreciation to
your wife. Tell her often that she holds the first place in your life. Let her know you value her
opinions. Speak romantic words like ‘I love you’, and ‘You have been so good to me’. These
simple sentences magnify several times in her mind and always touch her heart.
Be interested and curious about what she desires and enjoys. Listen to her with your eyes, ears,
body language and heart. You may not understand everything she says but show respect and
empathy. Let what matters to her matter to you even if you see them unimportant. Appreciate that
she has special needs. If she is troubled, accept the even though it may be trivial to you, it is a real
problem to her so you must support her. Let pleasing her be pleasing to you.
Give her gifts regularly without waiting for special occasions but do not focus on big things because
to a woman small things are as important as big things. It is thoughtful things you do for her that
matter.

Do not seek your own needs first but edify your wife.
Learn to sacrifice for your wife. Give up what you love and cope with what you detest if it makes
her better. Denying yourself to help your wife is true love because women, in particular, see help as
a sign of love and care. The greater the sacrifice you make, the greater your potential for a happy
marriage.

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Do not envy.
You should never be jealous of your wife. Do not force yourself to match her riches or liabilities.
Instead, let her know you are comfortable with what she has. Be proud of her achievements. Have
interest in everything she does. Remember you can only be a good husband if you are happy with
what you have. As long as you are both happy, there is no need to be jealous or feel threatened of
each other’s successes. The success of one is the success of the other.

Do not keep secrets.

If you discuss your feelings openly and honestly with your wife, your marriage improves. A woman
is naturally instinctive and will know immediately if you are worried. If you share your thoughts
and feelings with her, it eases her mind.

The third role of a husband is to honour his wife.

Your married life will get better if you value your wife as your most precious gem and as a child of
God. Put her on a pedestal and treat her with warmth and tenderness.

Some Practical Ways to Honour Your Wife

Marry her properly.
Marriage is a woman’s greatest honour. She needs to feel secure to give herself completely to you
as her husband. Marry her properly. Most importantly, wed her. The celebration of the sacrament os
marriage is the foundation of the faith of a couple. A wedding is also the best security and honour
for a woman.

Show her she is valuable to you.

You must remind your wife always that she is more important to you than your mother, relatives,
friends or your work. Never assume it must be obvious to her that you value her. To her, it is not.
Compliment your wife each day and reassure her she is valued, cherished and treasured.
A wife feels honoured and proud when she attends social functions with her husband. Go to church,
parties and especially meetings of her work colleagues so that you can be introduced to them. Sit
together. In public or private, look for opportunities to praise her.
Talk well of her to your relatives, friends, colleagues and those who are important in her life. Tell
them how proud you are about her qualities and accomplishments. Make them know you are happy
with what she does for you.

Show appreciation for everything she does.

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A wife gives enormous service to her husband. You must therefore thank her for everything she
does for you even if you see it small or as her responsibility. Appreciation gives a woman a great
sense of emotional fulfilment. It makes her feel valued, cherished, and special. It assures her that
her efforts are acknowledged. Many good and new things come into your life if you appreciate your
wife, who is one flesh with you.

Celebrate your marriage.

It is said that anything unrecognized remains uncelebrated and anything you refuse to celebrate
eventually exits your life. You must therefore celebrate the things that show progress in your
marriage. The more you celebrate your marriage, the more there is to celebrate. A marriage often
celebrated, grows healthy because it helps the team spirit up.
Set aside special times, places and events to celebrate how much your wife means to you.
Remember special days such as the day you met, the day you proposed, your birthdays and wedding
anniversary. Include important days such as Easter and Christmas. Your celebration could be
simple, like sharing a drink or meal with few friends. Take a walk or go out of town. Give gifts. Use
photos and videos if you can.
God holds you responsible for the welfare of your wife. If you do not protect her, love her and
honour her, your prayers will not be answered no matter how much you profess God. Your starting
point for any request you make before God must therefore be a good relationship with your wife.
Make her the most precious of your possessions and your very heartbeat. Let her be the delight of
your life. Above all, see her as a special gift from God.

Chapter 6
ROLES OF WIVES
Marriage can be compared to the black and white keys of a piano. You could play music using only
the white or black keys but it is only when both are combined that you get harmony in good music.
In the same way in marriage, both husband and wife have unique abilities and roles to play for an
enhanced married life.

Roles of a Wife
A wife’s first role is to accept the leadership of her husband and submit to him as a believer in
Christ.
Submission is yielding obedience to an ordained authority to please God and obey His word. It goes
in hand with respect.
Submission involves a wife’s attitude as well as her actions. It is effective only when there is true
love. If you do not submit to your husband, you will find it difficult to submit to God. You must
therefore be obedient to your husband and allow him to assume his role as God commanded him.

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A wife is an equal partner. Submission does not make you inferior to your husband. You remain
free in your personal conduct but it must harmonise with your marital roles. You may therefore, not
submit to your husband in everything, especially if it is unreasonable, contrary to your dignity,
harmful, immoral or sinful. This is because Christ is the supreme head and His commands take
precedence over a husband’s if they are in conflict.

Some Practical Ways to Submit

Respect your husband.
Respect is a high or special regard and honour. It is the most important need of a husband because it
encourages him to grow, mature and be himself. It also makes him stronger partner, protector and
provider. You must therefore give your husband all the respect and trust you can give.

Let him make the final decisions.

A husband thrives on his role as a head. You must therefore transfer the responsibility for final
decisions to your husband. Avoid changeling his decisions or correcting him in front of others,
especially in front of your children. Never show contempt for your husband or compete with him. If
you see things differently, make your views known to him but leave the final decision for him to
implement, even if you realise he is wrong. He may make mistakes but he will learn. Accepting
your husband’s decisions, efforts and actions is the most direct way to his heart. If he makes
mistakes, feels embarrassed or ashamed, react in a positive way and forgive him. It motivates him
to listen to your advice. However, in serious cases of stalemate, you may see your counsellor for
advice.

Praise him for his abilities.

The encouragement your husband gets from you build his self-esteem. If he does something well,
make a big deal of it. He can go to where you want him to if you become the great woman behind
him.

Show him you need him and you are dependent on him.
You must accept your husband’s help and regularly ask him to assist you in areas that are within his
competence. Discuss your plans and seek his input because men do not like women who are
independent. If you do not acknowledge his effort, his desire to please, and provide for you is
threatened. If you are not happy, he may feel he is a failure and give up trying to meet your needs.
He may avoid you by staying at work longer or abandoning the marriage because it does not fulfil

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his desire to protect and provide for you. A husband who refuses to provide more for his wife may
simply be saying he is not being appreciated or respected for what he does.

Make him feel he is a wonderful person and that you love him.
This boosts your husband’s ego. It also means you never attack his masculinity or boast of your
achievements. Never be intimidating, aggressive or show power. Romance dies in your marriage
when you are indifferent, neglect your husband’s authority, or argue needlessly.

Be his best friend and enjoy pleasing him.

Share activities you both enjoy. Be playful and keep him amused. Laugh together because laughing
is a good catalyst for a strong relationship.

Respect his privacy.

Do not rush into sensitive issues. You may asked what is on his mind, but if he does not want to talk
about it give him time. Sometimes your husband may draw away from you no matter how much he
loves you. During such times, it is possible there is no loving, effective communication or sex. He
needs time to identify his unique identity, solve his personal problems and find the loving feelings
that attracted him to you so that he can be a better lover. Once he feels better, he will open up and
discuss what is on his mind.

The second role of a wife is to be a helpmate.

A helpmate is a companion who gives aid, is cooperative, useful and beneficial. You complement
and assist your husband. You share your life with him, fill the empty spaces in his life and draw the
best out of him. You assist your husband in all he does and therefore makes his life and yours
complete.

Some Practical Ways to be a Helpmate

Trust your husband.
Trust has three components- honesty, acceptance and respect. Deep inside every man is the wish to
be trusted by his wife. Your husband must also trust you enough to share his life for you. Trust
allows and encourages him to reveal his whole self to you, unashamed of his weakness and fears. If
he opens up to tell you about his fears and failures, reassure him that you do not doubt his abilities.
Let him always know you are on his side. Be a safe haven for his weakness. When your husband
sees this from you, he becomes a motivated and energized leader.

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Make time for your husband.
Make him the first priority ahead of your children, friends, extended family members and work.
Give him your full attention. Show interest in all he does and values, including his work, hobbies,
clothes, friends and social work. Listen to his day and share yours. A husband loves to see his wife
interested in what he does and be told how great he is. Encourage your partner when he wants to try
something new.
Learn basic information about your husband’s profession to keep up with him so that you can
understand his needs, talk about his progress and ask questions about his work. You can then have a
lot to about and enjoy an intelligent conversation.

Keep up with his schedule.

Know your husband’s associates and where possible, visit him at his work place. Inspire and
motivate him because for a man nothing succeeds better than success. The more successful a man is
the better he enjoys his marriage.
Your husband may look very matured and strong, but deep down he needs a mother-like lover. Do
things for him especially when he is low, tired, hurt, and sick, out of job or has a failing business.
He enjoys being babied during such times. It makes a great difference to your husband to feel his
wife is always someone to rely on.

Be attractive.
A man by nature is visually driven. He is greatly motivated on seeing a beautiful woman. When you
look good your husband feels good. Make every effort each day to take care of yourself to look and
attractive so that you can turn your husband on. Look your best by checking your make-up,
hairstyle, outfit and weight to honour your husband. Always let your husband be proud to introduce
you to his friends and relatives.

Take care of your household.

The way your home looks reflect your personality, way of life, taste and the image you want to
project to others. Your home reflects and affects who you are. You shape your home and your home
shapes you. Keep your home clean and attractive. It should be a place where your husband and
family members find mutual pleasure and happy state of mind.

Be a good cook.

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The way to your husband’s heart is through his stomach. Know your husband’s favourite dishes and
‘spoil’ him on all occasions. It is all good to introduce variety in your cooking to make up for your
man’s changing lifestyle. Cooking is an art and can always be improved. Read, seek advice and
attend courses on catering if possible.

Contribute to the upkeep of the home.

Fighting the economic battle needs a joint effort. No matter how small your income, you must make
every effort to bring something home. If your husband does not feel supported at home, he may stay
away from home to work longer and harder. Learn to share your resources with your husband.
Be wise in the way you handle money. If money is scarce, your attitude can help keep your
marriage. If you are richer than your husband, show by your attitude that you do not put money
ahead of him.

Show great interest in sex.

A husband needs a wife who wants to have sex often. It delights your husband if you initiate and
even ask for more. When your husband feels you desire him sexually, it has a profound effect on his
confidence and well-being, which spills over into every aspect of his life.

Lead a Godly life.

A worthy wife is her husband’s joy and crown, but an unworthy wife corrodes (rusts) his strength
and tears him down. Your life must influence your husband in a way God finds acceptable. If you
serve your husband and submit to him, you become a true model of womanhood and a blessing to
your marriage. A good wife makes a good husband and a good marriage.

A man will always need a woman and a woman will always need a man because a man and a
woman complement each other physically, mentally and spiritually. An African axiom (proverb)
states that a man is the head of a home but the woman is the heart. Both husband and wife are
therefore equally important partner who must play their roles well for their marriage to work. Serve
and honour God by what you do for each other in your marriage.
Ecclesiastes 4:9-12
Two are better than one, because they have a good reward for their toil.
For if they fall, one will lift up his fellow. But woe to him who is alone when he falls and has not
another to lift him up!
Again, if two lie together, they keep warm, but how can one keep warm alone?
And though a man might prevail against one who is alone, two will withstand him—a threefold cord

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is not quickly broken.

Chapter 7
COMMUNICATION IN MARRIAGE
Communication in marriage means sharing feelings, ideas, concerns, likes, and dislikes such that
your spouse understands you. Through speaking, listening, observing, and acting you learn from
one another and support each other.
Every sound, action, event or motion in your marriage therefore has a meaning attached to it. Even
when you refuse to speak to your partner because you are angry, you are communicating because
you are sending a message. Spouses are therefore communicating all the time. Communication is
the BRAIN of all marriages. Effective communication is therefore the most important tool and the
Biggest Single Factor that Determines the kind of marriage you have. The quality of your
marriage can best be predicted by the effectiveness of communication between you and your
spouse.

Model of Communication
Communication involves five basic components; Sender, Message, Medium or Channel,
Receiver and Feedback. The sender initiates the process to get his ideas across to a receiver. The
medium is what is used to express ideas. The feedback is the response the receiver returns to sender.

Model of Communication
Message Medium
Sender Reciever
Medium Message

The medium of the sender and the receiver may differ. If any of the five components is absent or
ineffective, there is no effective communication. The model also means that one person does not
control communication and as such cannot be blamed or rewarded fully for the outcome of
communication.
There are two media, channels or types of communication. These are verbal and non-verbal
communication.

Verbal Communication
Verbal communication refers to what comes out of your mouth to depict you feelings, ideas,
concerns, likes and dislikes. It includes face-to-face conversation, telephone, cassette and video.

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You may also sing, cry, talk, groan and give simple or extended sounds of happiness, despair or
anger.

The Power of Words

God made us by His Word and represented Himself on earth to save us by Word. Satan deceived
man through words. Words therefore have the power of life and death. Your words reveal who you
are, your thoughts, deepest feelings and heart’s desires. You are your words because your words
create your world. Your life today is the result of what you said years ago.
Every word is significant because words have psychic energy that produces a positive or negative
effect on your lover and returns to you in multiplied form. Words therefore have tremendous power
on your life and marriage. The quality of your words is a character of your marriage.
Words of kindness and acceptance such as ‘I love you,’ ‘Please,’ ‘I appreciate you,’ generate
warmth and appreciation from your spouse who in turn reacts more kindly to you. When the tongue
is used positively, it blesses the one who speaks and the one who hears and it pleases God. When
you speak loving words to your spouse, you become a loving partner.
On the other hand, painful words like ‘You are worthless,’ and ‘I hate you,’ pierce like a sword.
They are not processed easily but are internalized in your mind to stir up anger to hurt you, your
spouse and marriage.
Most sins involve the use of the tongue – lying, profanity, scandal, mongering, quarrelling and
bragging. Your eternity is therefore greatly affected by your words. For that reason, let no
unwholesome word come out of your mouth. Le your words flow from the standpoint of God’s
love.

Levels of Verbal Communication

You communicate with your spouse at five levels, moving from the superficial to the most
meaningful. The cliché, for example greetings. At this level, talking is minimal. The second is when
you just state, share or report facts like ‘Your food is ready’. The third is when you voice opinions,
ideas or judgments, including your personal goals and desires like ‘Our son will make a good
leader’. At the fourth level, you reveal your feelings and emotions like, ‘I am not happy about your
coming home late.’ Your ability to talk about your feelings comes from trusting each other. You
talk from your heart and not your head.
The highest level is when you share your preferences, likes, dislikes, …………… and the most
important emotional needs like, ‘I would like too …………….. with you tonight because I miss
you.’ You show complete emotional and personal truthfulness. There is complete trust and
confidence. You …………. Carefully and have the sincere desire to understand each other. Couples
speak at all levels but you must aim at reaching the fourth and fifth levels frequently so that you can
easily share your feelings and needs.

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Effective verbal communication
Communication is effective when what you speak or do is understood by your spouse in the way
you intended. Your body language, actions and words are accepted by your spouse exactly as they
are spoken or done. There are three elements in effective verbal communication. These are talking,
listening and understanding.

Talking
It enables you and your spouse to share information, learn more about each other, and hence build
your marriage.
Love yourself and know yourself. You are a child of God and His spirit lives in you. It is therefore
important you always earn the respect, trust and understanding of your spouse through your words.
Fill your heart with good things. Speak to uphold and accomplish positive things in your marriage.
Know the likes and dislikes, strengths and weaknesses of your spouse. These include his or her
personally, gender, age, and faith. It is also important you appreciate the differences between men
and women.
Choose the right time and place to communicate. Some topics must never be discussed in the
presence of family members, friends and children. Serious issues could be discussed early in the
morning or at dawn when the senses are most alert.
Have a clear picture of your message. Organize your ideas and facts. Encode your message by
translating it into what can be sent to give meaning. Your words must be concise, complete, clear
and courteous. They must also be true, profitable, relevant to your spouse and appropriate to the
situation. Season your message with your spouse’s most important emotional need. A woman must
use words of respect and a man must use words of affection.
Be aware of what your body is saying. When you talk, your whole body also talks. Your body
language speaks volumes of what is on your mind. Often, your body language may show you do not
want to talk or that you are not interested in what your spouse may be saying to you.

Listening
Listening refers to the process of receiving and processing your spouse’s message. It is an active
participation that involves the whole body, ears, eyes, body language and heart. Active listening
helps you check the accuracy of what your spouse says or means. It also motivates him or her to
express his or her feelings. Listening is therefore a sign of acceptance, kindness, maturity, love and
unity. It is one of the greatest gifts you can give to your spouse. A good listener is therefore a good
lover.
The primary task of a good listener is to stay out of the speaker’s way. The best way to listen to
your spouse is to stop whatever you are doing and focus on him or her attentively just as the eyes of

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God are towards the righteous and His ears open to their cry. View your spouse as an equal partner
and listen with an open mind.
Listening also means you are not going to think about what you are going to say when your spouse
stops talking. Learn to be silent because silence is great. It gives you time to think about what you
hear.
Listen to the tone of voice, body language and the feeling that lie beneath the words. This helps you
see things from your spouse’s perspective. Never assume you know what your spouse is saying.
Provide appropriate non-verbal feedback like a nod, smile and frown occasionally to show you hear,
accept and understand what is being said. Verbally connect with words like ‘yes’ or ‘ok’. Put your
spouse at ease.
Ask questions to seek clarification. You may ask a question at a point to check the accuracy of what
your spouse said. You must however avoid using a question to divert the conversation from hour
spouse’s subject matter. You must be able to repeat the key things of what your spouse said.
Accept your spouse’s feelings and what is being said even when you disagree. Good body language
tells your spouse you are listening carefully and it encourages him or her to go on. A smile or
posture of leaning slightly towards your lover indicates interest and anticipation.

Understanding and feedback

Reflect the facts of the message, the feeling of your spouse’s message and the overall meaning of
his or her message. Decode the message by interpreting what you hear wisely.
Feedback is your verbal and non-verbal response to your spouse’s messaged. Your feedback is
important because it helps your spouse to know if the message is received as intended and how he
or she acts on it.
First consider the feelings, attitudes and values of your spouse as he or she sends the message. Then
consider carefully the words you choose. They must be clear and relate to what your spouse has
stated as you consider his or her feelings, attitudes and values.
Answer wisely, clearly and honestly. Maintain the dignity and self-esteem of your spouse even if
you disagree with him or her. Show love and respect.
The feedback must be immediate, appropriate, honest and clear. The longer you wait the less effect
it will have. You may modify the medium of the message. Where possible, you could add some
information your spouse did not know. If it becomes obvious the message was not properly
understood, clarify any misunderstanding that may arise.
Sometimes it may however be better to keep quiet if your spouse is angry. Silence gives you time
for better understanding so that you can respond in love. In a dialogue between a husband and wife,
each person becomes a speaker and listener. The objective of a dialogue is mutual understanding,
empathy and love.

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Barriers to effective verbal communication
You and your spouse may understand communication differently. Spouses usually send and
interpret messages based on age, sex, background and education. What you say, what your spouse
thinks he or she hears and what you think your spouse said about what you said is possible barriers
to effective communication. Spouses make faulty encoding and decoding which lead to faulty
translation of messages.

You and your spouse may have interference

This is anything that distorts message reception. Physical interference includes radio, TV and the
volume of the message. Semantic interference is due to a spouse not deriving the meaning intended
by the sender. Sometimes your ideas may be clear in your mind but your choice of words may make
it difficult for your spouse to interpret and appreciate what you say, what your spouse thinks you
say and what your words actually mean.
Internal interference includes anger, distrust, guilt, suspicion, indifference, defensiveness,
disinterest or preoccupation with something else, like reading a newspaper while your lover talks to
you. Some do selective listening and hear only what they want to hear.
Sometimes you and your spouse make a premature conclusion and are over eager to respond. You
may fail to listen because you use listening time to rehearse what you want to say in reply. You may
also interrupt in the middle of statements and start a defence. You cannot listen and speak at the
same time.
Spouses may have differences in personality and upbringing. A spouse may have a defensive
attitude. In some cases, a spouse may always be yelling at his or her partner. His or her partner then
develops fear of correction or reaction. In other cases, a spouse talks so much that his or her partner
stops listening or gets angry.
Today many spouses put personal interests and business ahead of their marriage. A husband may be
too busy chasing money. A wife may also be too busy with her career and childcare. Spouses hardly
find time to talk to each other.
An important key to the success of your marriage is your words that express your thoughts,
opinions, judgments and beliefs. Bless yourself and your spouse with your words. Speak the truth in
love to uphold and accomplish positive thing in your marriage.
Remember you are accountable for your words before God. This means even behind closed doors
you must behave as if whatever you say will be played back to you. You must therefore let the
words of your mouth be pleasing to your spouse and to God.

Non-verbal communication
In non-verbal communication you exchange information using non-spoken medium like physical
objects, written words, symbols, vocal intonation, signs, withdrawal or silence, pace and space.

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Others include perfume, dressing and body language which includes gests (the way you sit, lean,
hold and move your body), facial expression (anger, sadness, disgust or happiness), touch (like
finger pressure and grasp), voce tone, volume, pitch, speed and rhythm of speech, breathing tempo
and timing, which shows your ability to listen.
You can also use cultural behavior to communicate non-verbally. For example, common non-verbal
communication includes nodding of the head (agreement), shaking of head from side to side
(disagreement), looking at someone from head to toe (disgust at the person) and hugging
(expression of welcome or affection, comfort or acceptance).

The power of non-verbal communication

Actions speaks louder than words. Your body, for example constantly sends out messages which
are silent but more powerful and better than words because they are largely out of awareness and
tell exactly what you mean, which may be opposite what you say.at every moment, you reveal most
of your inner feelings with your body language. This means body language is often the best way for
couples to know each other’s feelings.
Non-verbal signals have stronger impact than verbal signals. You can therefore effectively speak to
your spouse without saying a word because your appearance and body language tell your spouse
what is really on your mind. You can also use non-verbal communication to substitute verbal
communication. Your little acts of love, care and support make your marriage work. Non-verbal
communication is therefore critical to satisfaction in marriage.

Some suggestions for verbal and non-verbal communication

Find time to be together.
The single greatest attraction in marriage is companionship with your spouse. Marital happiness
improves with the amount of quality time spent together because intimacy develops between
couples who are close and share their hopes and dreams for a common future. Marriage takes
togetherness to succeed.

Broaden your sphere of interest.

Try new adventures or hobbies. Do a workout. Play games and other activities you both love. Do
symbolic acts of service. a husband may help his wife in the kitchen while she cooks. A wife may
hold bolts and nuts as her husband fixes an electrical appliance. No task is too small to show your
love.

Touch each other often.

Physical touch is an asset for calming anxiety, transferring courage, reassurance, alleviating stress,
depression and blood pressure. It therefore improves emotional and physical health. A tender touch

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while your partner is doing ordinary tasks like preparing a meal or reading a book communicates
loving messages that speak more than words can.

Hold hands often.

It is a sign of love. Hug often. It is comforting and reassuring. It also produces a chemical that
sustains long-term relationships.
Watch films or TV together in close touch. You may even sip from the same glass. Always
remember that touching, caressing, cuddling and holding are among the most important ‘bonding
agents’ in marriage.

Dress for love and romance.

Dress in clothes that make you look good. Note, however, that certain colours have a specific effect
on people. Light blue has a calming effect on people. Orange stimulates the brain, nerves and blood.
Violet uplifts the soul and encourages spiritual tendencies. It is also believed that men are generally
aroused more when women wear red, orange and shades of purple.

Go out often.
Take a walk while talking because it generates warmth and refreshes your marriage. Talk of
something informative or just anything from events of the day, humor and anything you see on the
way. You may go to the beach, botanical gardens and other new places.

Go window-shopping.
Go everywhere you love to go. Getting away from town for a couple of days for retreat or visit
occasionally will renew and enrich your marriage. Join your partner in social activities like a party
at his or workplace and church. Sit close to each other as often as possible. Make your partner feel
special before friends.

Have secret pet names and codes.

Give special names like ‘angel’ that identify your spouse with a special value and honour. In
addition, develop gestures and codes to help you speak in a way that only you two can understand.
Have key words of phrases whose unique meaning is reserved just for you. Satisfied couples
generate a private message system permitting efficient telegraphic communication. The
lightheartedness in your relationship provides a very special closeness.
Send notes, e-mail and write love letters just to say ‘hi,’ or ‘thank you.’ With writing, you become
less defensive and you listen to yourself more because you do not try to formulate responses. It also
gives you time to reflect without someone interrupting, challenging or giving advice. By writing out
your feelings, you inspire yourself and your spouse. Writing may be reread in the future. Write

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often to express your love and help your spouse to understand you better as you share your feelings,
needs and ideas so that your marriage grows deeper. You may add humour with a sketch or two to
show the symbolic elements in your message.

Exchange gifts often even when it is not for special occasions.

Gifts are expressions of your love. When you give, you recognize your spouse as valuable,
worthwhile and good. You enhance your spouse’s personal wealth. Giving therefore creates
goodwill because if you give, your spouse feels loved, accepted and valued. He or she is more
likely to treat you in a similar way. Also, remember expensive gifts are not always the best gifts.
You must also appreciate that anything you do to make your lover happy is a gift. Be a cheerful
giver ad expect a harvest of God’s blessing from your giving.

Have at least one meal a day together.

Eating together is a simple way to stay in touch. It provides an opportunity to relax and brings you
physically close to your spouse. It gives warm communication as you share your thoughts, plans
and events in the world, community, church and home. It creates a healthy climate for the whole
family. You may occasionally serve breakfast in bed.
Shower together. There is something about bathing your spouse that makes him or her feel cared
for, pampered and loved. It is a good way to relax each other. As the gentle water massages you
both, you can add the thrill of touching and clinging. It is mutually pleasant and satisfying.

Share the same room and as much as possible, go to bed at the same time.
Sleep close to each other and make love often. Sex is the deepest form of communication. It
conjures up images of action, care, mutual affection, support and companionship. Communication
is learnt and like art, you must invest time and improve upon it because it is the most effective way
to nurture your marriage. Always find specific expressions that result in a feeling of closeness,
passion and intimacy so that you win your lover’s heart, soul and mind. Let effective
communication be the brain of your marriage as you use it to bless yourself, your marriage and
God.

CONFLICTS IN MARRIAGE
Conflict in marriage is an open disagreement, opposition or interest, ideas, or will between couples.
It may be physical, verbal, mental, emotional, sexual or social, but the commonest conflicts couples
experience is verbal, usually referred to as ‘fight’.
Conflict is part of life and therefore part of all marriages. It is impossible for a husband and wife to
live together without conflict. The fact that you see conflicts in your marriage therefore does not
mean there is something wrong with you or your spouse. You are only being human. Even great

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men of God like Jacob, Isaac, Hosea, David (whom God described as a man after His heart) and
even Abraham (whom God described as a friend) had marital problems. No wonder, St. Jerome
says, ‘No trouble, no marriage.’

Reasons for conflicts in marriage

Intrapersonal factor.
Human nature has evil thoughts. We are all sinners. Conflicts in marriage start with the individual’s
desires that battle within him or her. Sometimes you have difficulties choosing among several
options with positive and negative outcomes.
The Good Book says the heart of man is evil and wicked. We are also selfish, and selfishness is the
greatest cause of conflict in marriage. You have the instinct to struggle to get what you want, how
to get it and when to get it. You may end up hurting yourself, your spouse and your marriage.
Internal conflict, however, is hidden from everybody, including your spouse.

Interpersonal factor.
Marriage is new ways of life. You have a unique identity and independence. In marriage, you also
have couple identity and interdependence. The two identities grow simultaneously but often in
opposite directions. You need to think and care for yourself as well as your spouse. The inability to
find a balance between these two identities is a source of conflict in marriage. Therefore, no matter
how mature, loyal and loving you and your spouse are, you will have conflicts as you try to
harmonise and achieve the same goals.

Nature seeks a balance.

People with different personalities and lifestyles are usually attracted to each other. We admire
values we see in others which we do not have and think they have the potential to enrich our lives.
For example, introverts and extroverts are often drawn together because the quiet strength of
introverts complements the liveliness of extroverts. Initially, we are so much in love that we see
only the strength of the other person. Our weaknesses appear later when romantic love fades and
our differences in values, lifestyle and personality create conflicts.

External factors.
No marriage is an island. In-laws, friends, children, house helps and work may create conflicts in
marriage. Any changes in the family system like the birth of a baby, death of a family member, the
first child going to school, children leaving home for school, sick or ageing parents, loss or change
of job and relocation may also cause marital conflicts.

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Some signs of conflicts
Some spouses develop behaviours like constant anger, isolation, timidation, unrealistic demands
and unwillingness to listen or show care and love. Partners in conflict may also be silent, show
envy, bitterness, control and revenge. Some cheat while some men in conflict refuse to eat home.
Some neglect their marital responsibilities andmay use denial of sex as weapon. Some make their
spouses feel unimportant and say things to upset them. There are also cases where some spouses
attempt to instill few behaviours so the other spouses loses his or her identity. A husband may
prevent his wife from going to church and other social meetings. Some harm their spouses
physically or destroy their properties.

Significance of conflicts
Conflicts are neither good nor bad. They are neutral and change agents that initiate adaptation and
change. They are important because they offer …………. A choice to either build or destroy your
marriage. How you respond to conflicts determines the success of failure of your marriage.
At the spiritual level, conflicts are tests of your love, humility, faithfulness, loyalty, maturity and
self-control. See conflicts as God speaking to you. His plan is to teach you tolerance, humility and
perseverance. Conflicts may also be Satan’s plan to deceive you and destroy your marriage.
A well-handled conflict gives you a better understanding of your spouse and issues in your
marriage. Communication is therefore improved as you become more sensitive to the feelings of
your spouse. You become more mature as you handle conflicts positively. Conflicts handles
effectively therefore lead to outcomes that are productive and enhance your marriage.
On the other hand, poorly handled conflicts between your spouse and you negatively affect your
mental, physical and spiritual health. They may disrupt your goals and lead to resentment,
insecurity, diminished self-esteem, and separation of divorce. An unhappy marriage can increase
your chances of becoming sick and take years off your life.

Handling conflicts
Partners handle conflicts in many ways. Each approach may have its positive and negative sides.
How you handle a conflict is as important as the conflict itself. Knowing how to handle conflicts
well is the single most important indicating of whether your marriage will survive or not.

Withdrawal, Avoidance or Denial

You are unwilling to discuss problems or refuse to acknowledge that a problem exists. You
therefore create space between you and your spouse. Withdrawal may lead to mistrust, suspension,
tension, fear, loneliness, anxiety, and hurt which may give rise to physical, mental and spiritual
problems.

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Withdrawal or separation for a short time, may give you time to avoid a bad situation and find
solutions to a problem; however, withdrawal for a long time may damage the closeness with your
spouse while the problem grows. The cause of the conflict may grow bigger and lead to other
problems. Withdrawal is therefore a very risky approach to handle conflicts.

Escalation or Revenge
You pattern your behavior after your spouse and fight back whatever offences your spouse
commits. You fight for personal gain only to increase the rate of intensity as each spouse tries to
undo the other and gain control of the situation.
Revenge initially makes you feel powerful, justified and is satisfying as you see yourself winning
and your spouse loosing but it soon leads to disappointment, shame and guilt. Revenge is never
sweet because it never heals. You never achieve a full sense of satisfaction you only hurt yourself
more than you hurt your spouse.
Revenge takes so much psychic energy that only God can handle it. Revenge then, is for the Lord, if
He chooses to. Never take revenge on your spouse because it is never a solution but a problem. It
prevents you from seeing the beauty of love in marriage.

Forcing, Authority, Competition or Winning

You decide to win no matter the cost. You therefore use your spouse’s vulnerability to intimidate
him or her to give in. men have the physical strength, which makes it easier for them to be
dominant. A rich husband may also withhold money from his poor wife. A wife who is a bully may
verbally attack her husband and make him give in to her demands. A wife may also use denial of
sex as a weapon.
When you control your marriage, your spouse is forced to comply. You build your self-esteem but
you put your spouse down, deflate his or her ego and make him or her feel unloved. Winning at the
expense on one who is one flesh with you kills intimacy, effective communication and puts your
marriage at risk.

Accommodation, Suppression or Yielding

You submit to the wishes of your spouse. You may feel your marriage is more important than your
differences and so will do all you can to get along and protect your marriage. You may even blame
yourself for everything that happens in your marriage and feel you do not deserve better. You are
sensitive to everything your spouse hates.
Accommodation appears to preserve your marriage but it may come at the cost of being open and
honest about your views. You may sacrifice your needs and personal goals. If you always give in
sot that your spouse wins, your marriage deteriorates. Accommodation therefore does not build a
marriage because one spouse is unwilling to make his or her views known to his or her spouse.

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Compromise or Negotiation
You give and take. You try to reach middle ground by giving in to some of your spouse’s demands
to get some of yours. Neither you nor your spouse, therefore, has to make all the sacrifices to give
in to all the wishes of the other. No one wins or loses.
A compromise is useful when an issue is not worth much effort like the menu for a family. It may
also be useful when a quick solution is needed. It may however not really solve a problem fully as
both partners merely accept a middle position of two alternatives. You may not be fully satisfied
because some values may be compromised on each side. A compromise may therefore not be a
lasting solution to a conflict.

Resolution
You embrace the problem and spend quality time to work honestly through your differences to
mutually acceptable solutions. You and your spouse get a complete hearing and understanding of
your feelings, goals, and desires. You focus on solutions but not on problems. This is the best form
of handling conflict. Negotiation, however, requires a great deal of energy and a positive attitude of
a win-win solution.
Conflict resolution is more effective if planning has occurred. Identify and understand the root
cause of your conflict because half of the solution to any problem lies in defining the problem.
Define the areas of agreement and disagreement in the conflict. Be sure of your facts. See how your
actions or inactions have affected the issue. Keep it a private affair; do not run to family and friends
with your problems.
Choose an appropriate place and time when both of you are relaxed and ready to listen. The best
atmosphere is in the hall and the best time is in the morning. Pray a simple prayer asking God for
His help.

Make your point.

Speak directly to each other and be honest in your statements and questions as you try to understand
each other’s reasoning and feeling. Choose your words and show empathy. Make sure your body
language, facial expression and vocal tone are in line with your message.
Give your spouse a chance to respond and state his or her opinions. Listen to your spouse and
appreciate his or her point of view. Ask questions and reflect on them. Stick to the issue without
bringing in past mistakes. Control your anger, tears or attack.
List possible alternatives and evaluate them. Emphasize agreements rather than disagreements.
Choose what best builds your marriage. Choose a solution together because a solution is more
important than who wins. Understand, however, that a solution may require a change in behavior
from both of you. Apologise if you are the guilty party.

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Accept an apology if you are the offended party.

How to Apologise
It is humbling but gratifying to ask your spouse to forgive you. Apology, however, does not come
easy. Some think their spouses will see an apology as a form of weakness. Some fear their apology
will be ignored. Some are scared of being the only person in the marriage who apologies. There are
also those who find it hard to apologise because they fear their spouses will expect an apology
anytime they are wrong.
Some couples are too proud, hurt or offended to confess when they have caused pain. No matter
your difficulties, if you ever hoped for a happy marriage learn to apologise from your heart.
Sometimes apologizing even when you are not guilty will make peace in your marriage. Talk to
God before talking to your spouse. Take the initiative.
Determine how best to deliver your apology. Apology is only useful if it is sincere, specific and
timely. It does no good to say ‘I am sorry’ if you are not. Do not let the sun go down on your
conflicts. The sooner you apologise, the better. Prepare what you want to say and how to say it. It is
best to offer the apology personally. It shows love and respect.
Be calm and give a brief account of the offences for both to know what to express. Acknowledge
the hurt or damage you have caused your spouse. Be specific regarding the reason for your apology.
Accept your wrongdoing without excuses and do not focus on what your spouse did. You are
responsible for what you do. This shows you understand you did hurt your spouse.
Express your regret clearly and concisely. Choose your words wisely and promise it will not happen
again. you may make a plan of action to ensure the situation does not arise again. forgive yourself.
If you do not, it becomes difficult for you to reach out to your spouse and God.
Ask for forgiveness for the exact reason why your spouse is hurt. Wait for answer. Do not rush.
Suggest doing something good for your offended spouse. You may send a gift with an apology
note. The most important way to show you are sorry is to ensure you do not repeat your wrong
action.
Apology may however come in different forms. Some apologise by e-mail or phone calls. Some do
it through humour, gifts, invitation to a social activity and sex. This is very common of men who by
nature feel they are always right and find it difficult to say ‘I am sorry’. No matter how right you
are, give your spouse a face-saving way out of the conflict. Allow him or her to retreat with dignity.
Set an example by your good conduct.

How to Forgive
Forgiveness is letting go of the painful resentment that arises when your spouse hurts you. It is not
forgetting or condoning. It is not conditional or pretending the situation never happened. It also

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does not mean your lover is going to change. Above all, it is not done for the sake of your spouse
who offends you. It is a decision to heal yourself.
Some spouses find it hard to forgive because they want to avoid repeating the past or condoning the
bad behavior of their spouses. Some also think anger will pressurize their spouses to change their
bad behavior.
It is a fact however, that when someone offends you, he or she takes so much emotional strength
from you and replaces it with insecurity, fear, anger resentment, jealousy, self-pity, pride and
bitterness. This predisposes you to physical, mental and spiritual injury.
If you refuse to forgive, you are acting like someone who keeps drinking poison and expects
someone else to die of it. You show you have no real interest in taking personal responsibility for
yourself, your spouse and your relationship with God. Pope john Paul II defines forgiveness as
restoration of freedom by oneself. You must therefore forgive your spouse indefinitely and
unconditionally.
Think about what your spouse did that hurt you and acknowledge you are hurt. Express it freely.
You cannot forgive unless you admit you are hurt. Hate the offence but love your spouse.

Remind yourself of your self-worth.

Your life and your marriage belong to God and He commands you to forgive. You must therefore
accept the responsibility for dealing with any issue that calls for forgiveness.
Talk to your spouse about his or her offensive behavior. Take the initiative as soon as you can
because sometimes your spouse may not even be aware he or she has hurt you. Find a good time for
discussion. Find out why he or she did it. Tell your spouse how you feel about what he or she did.
Listen with empathy and avoid a defensive reaction, condemning remarks or negative body
language. Be humble to accept you could be part of the problem and hence part of the solution.
Wait until you are ready to forgive. Accept the apology as you put your love for your spouse and
marriage first. Assure your spouse that his or her action will not interfere with your marriage.
Always remember that whatever your spouse has done wrong, you are also capable of doing the
same thing. If you have not done so, then according to John Wesley, it is not by your might but by
God’s grace.

Pray for yourself and your spouse.

It is impossible to earnestly pray for your spouse and still keep the hurt in you at the same time
because prayer softens your heart and makes you more forgiving toward your spouse. The power to
forgive comes from God. Prayer will heal you, your spouse and your marriage.
The whole fellowship of marriage is based on forgiveness. Spouses who forgive each other are
healthier and have higher self-esteem, which promote healthy marriages. Always remember that

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God does not forgive those who do not forgive others. It is only when you learn to forgive that you
learn to love.

Third party Intervention

A third party in your marital problems is a person or group of people who come into your marriage
and attempt to handle your problems for you. It is important to appreciate that you and your spouse
can solve all your problems on your own. It is therefore not healthy for you to invite others to settle
your conflicts.
Someone who listens to your problems sees only a small part of your marriage and can never give
you the full answers. It may give him or her a chance to put a wedge between you and your spouse.
Sometimes, you get the worst advice from friends and relatives because they may advise you on
emotions but not on facts, as they may be untrained in marriage counseling. They also do not have
to live with the consequences. They will remember and talk about your problems even long after
you have forgotten them.
Some may be strongly biased towards your opinions or may not be committed to seeing your
marriage succeed. Some people will be too happy to welcome you to their divorced state because it
justifies their own bad decisions. Talking about your concerns with your spouse for mutual
understanding and reading good books on marriage may therefore be more helpful than seeking
outside help.
If, however, it becomes necessary to bring in a third party, because the conflict is too serious or you
are unable to communicate constructively, it is advisable to seek help from a Christian marriage
counselor who will draw from the Bible and bring out its principles to bear on your particular
problem. Do this before the situation gets out of control.

Reducing Conflicts in Marriage

Conflicts not properly handled can cause many undesirable effects. You could risk destroying your
marriage and your health. It is therefore advisable that even though you cannot totally prevent
problems in your marriage, you work on your marriage each day to reduce conflicts to the minimum
so that you can keep yourself and your marriage healthy.
Make yourself happy without looking up to someone. Even in the best marriages, your spouse
cannot meet all your needs because human needs are complex. Feel good about yourself so that you
can make your spouse feel good about himself or herself. It is also important to note that happiness
goes beyond your circumstances. It is a state of mind, which comes from hearing and living God’s
word.
Have a positive mental attitude about yourself, your spouse and marriage. Nothing good will
happen in your marriage except you have good thoughts about it. Your marriage can therefore be
exciting and happy if only you see it as good.

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Appreciate your differences.
You have varied habits because you are male and female born in different homes under different
influences. Accepting your differences as positive and enriching is the hardest part in marriage, but
the most rewarding. It makes it easy to understand why you have conflicts. Always remember there
are no perfect people and therefore no perfect marriages.
Learn to deal with your won changes as an individual and accept the changes you see in your
spouse so that you can meet each other’s needs. Revise what can be improved, resolve what can be
settled and accept what you cannot do anything about.
Do not force or manipulate your spouse to change because it never works. Instead, focus on the
good qualities of your spouse and see him or her as your Marker’s greatest gift to you.

Avoid the blame game.

Always remember you are partly the cause of how your partner behaves because your partner
cannot fight alone. See what you can do differently and better because your spouse merely reacts to
how you behave. If you keep blaming your spouse and expect him or her to change, you put the
solution out of your control and nothing changes. You must therefore put the focus on yourself and
make yourself more lovable so that your spouse may see your kind acts and improve upon himself
or herself. Acting alone, you can make a positive change in your marriage.
Never compare your spouse with others you perceive to be better. When you see other people’s
marriages they may appear better than yours, but they may actually be worse. Your marriage
becomes difficult when you expect too much of your spouse. Love your spouse for who he or she is
without thinking you would love him or her more if he or she were different.

Be great friends.
The most important time to strive for companionship is when there is conflict in your marriage.
Time together builds friendship. You become richer when you make your spouse your best friend.
Show affection to one another on a regular basis. Show your love. Watching television and eating
together are some simple ways of building a sense of security and belonging at home.

Have a good sense of humour.

Laughing is good medicine for the heart. It relieves tension and stress, and creates a sense of
closeness and good feeling. It helps you cope when things are tough and makes life more enjoyable.
A glad heart makes a healthy body.

Smile when engaging your spouse in conversation.

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Have fun times to share and remember, because all couples have funny stories about things they
did, said, heard or read that stick in their memory. If you are playful and sincere, funny stories bring
you together especially when the marriage needs a little lightening up.

Make mutual decisions.

Talk and agree on your roles in the marriage and on all important issues including future goals,
finance and family planning. Equal partnership creates fewer conflicts because if becomes easier for
partners to commit to what they agree on. Common conflicts become easier to handle.

Show gratitude to your spouse.

Never take for granted what your spouse does for you. When you are grateful, your spouse feels
motivated and content. It is also known that gratitude leads to other virtues like laughter, fun,
compassion and mercy, which make you commit to each other. The more grateful you are, the
stronger your marriage. To live in gratitude is to touch heaven. St. Ignatius sees lack of gratitude to
your spouse each day, verbally by your kind words and non-verbally by your kind acts.

Have a strong support system.

Couples who have strong support system tend to have good marriages. Turn to friends, relatives,
church, social groups and community in dealing with stress. Join others in social activities but make
sure you do not spend too much time on social networking at the expense of your marriage.

Control your anger.

Everybody gets angry at one time or another. In fact, anger is part of life and it is good to be angry
when your spouse undermines your basic right. It is therefore normal and healthy to admit your
anger. You must however express your anger calmly and in love because uncontrolled anger is a
health hazard that may result in injury, high blood pressure, stroke and heart attack. When you feel
upset or angry, you make it impossible to love or beloved. It impairs your judgement and provokes
hurtful speech. It is a sin because it grieves the Holy Spirit. Learn to take responsibility for your
anger and always learn to forgive your partner.

Avoid bad habits or things that hurt the marriage.

These include selfishness, dishonesty, criticism, immorality, habits, inequality, substance abuse and
poor communication. At the same time keep doing what works and builds a marriage. These include
appreciation, respect, support, companionship and unconditional love. Be a burden bearer, not a
burden to your marriage.
A husband should not see every complaint of his wife as an attack. Women love to complain
without expecting solutions but just to connect with their husbands. You must therefore not take

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your wife’s criticisms personally but instead allow her to express what is on her mind without any
negative response.

Treat all conflicts as normal and expected.

In every marriage, each day produces some offences. You must therefore be willing to sit down and
talk with your lover over anything and everything so that you deal with issues as they occur.

Make every effort to be sexually active.

Sex is one of the easiest ways to build a strong bond and therefore reduce conflicts. It is a sweet
way of making up. The easiest solution for couples with serious marital problems is to have sex
regularly.

Pray for yourself and your spouse every day.

Always appreciate that marriage is honourable before God, but Satan, like a roaring lion, goes about
seeking to destroy it. See your spouse as your ally and the problems as your enemy, so that you
join forces to fight the enemy and strengthen your marriage. With God as your defence and source
of supply, you will overcome every trial in your marriage.
Conflicts will surely come but God will not let you into difficulties beyond your ability if you
commit your marriage to Him in prayer and godly life. Instead, He will make a way by making you
use conflict to build and not destroy your marriage. Pray with St. Francis Xavier that God gives you
the courage to change what you can change, the serenity to accept the things you cannot change and
the wisdom to know the difference.
Marriage is a long journey and a calling to serve God for life. Prove your love when your spouse
hurts you by forgiving him or her unconditionally. Bear with one another and forgive whatever
grievances you hold against your spouse. Enjoy the challenges of conflict and be prepared to deal
positively with them together with romance, conflicts, make marriage exciting, thrilling and
fulfilling. Thank God for your spouse and use conflict as a language to love to enhance your
happiness in marriage.

IN-LAWS AND MARRIAGE

Your in-law is a relative of your spouse, which includes parents, brothers and sisters. However, in
many cultures, you marry the whole abusua or extended family and each member becomes your in-
law. In-laws could also include anyone who trained or helped your spouse. One of the leading
causes of marriage break ups is the influence some parents exert on their children in marriage. In-

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law relationships can therefore be an important indicator and the ultimate success of marriage
because happiness with in-law leads to marital success.

Why do people have problems with their in-laws?

You are locked to your parents and spouse for life. You are made up of genes from your parents.
Deep bonds of mutual attachment are therefore formed. You must also appreciate that in most
cultures and traditions, you are born into and extended family system or abusua for life.
When you marry, you also build a permanent independent family life. Both spouse and parents may
fight for genuine and sincere concern for you. They both compete for you, because you have
different places in your hearth for them. This may cause problems in marriage.

Early marriages.
When you marry at an early age, there is a greater likelihood that you may not have completed your
maturing process of separating from your parents. Therefore, the younger you marry, the more
likely they are to complain about in-law problems.
You do not develop a full sense of personal identity or maturity before you marry, you may look
back at parental ties to seek security, support and comfort from your parents. Failure to achieve
separation from your parents creates conflicts with your spouse because when you have become one
flesh with your spouse in marriage, he or she feels he or she is more important than your parents.

Female relationships.
Your children activate your early romantic memories. A husband sees his daughter through the eyes
of his early romance or as a ‘little wife’. This is the same for a woman and her son. A father is
therefore more closely attached to his daughter while a wife is closer to her son.
Most in-laws problems, however, are predominantly about female relationships especially a wife
and her husband’s mother or her sister-in-laws. One reason is that a while a man easily files away
his problems, a woman sees problems in detail and they grow in her mind. She also has difficulty
getting rid of them.
It is also known that a woman makes anything important to her an intimate part of herself. A
woman’s life, therefore, revolves around her son and she finds it hard to give him complete
autonomy. If she is single, divorced, widowed or in an unhappy marriage, she transfers her
emotional bond to her son and parents her adult son. The situation is worsened where the mother
does not approve of her son’s wife or where the son used to give excessive attention to his mother,
but has now reduced his visits or assistance to her.
For some mothers, the marriage of their children means taking second place because her
interactions with her son decreases while the son becomes more increasingly attached to his wife.
Some experience great trauma similar to divorce when their sons marry. The tension is compounded

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where the young wife has problems with childbirth. The mother-in-law may demand a grandchild
even if it may not be the fault of the woman and the man is coping with the situation.
A woman remembers in detail the difficulties she goes through in childbirth and in raising her child.
She sees her son as a great investment. She has interest in him and expects rewards. He must always
help. She demands direct and uninterrupted access to her son and a wife may be seen as a threat to
the mother-son bond.
A wife is sometimes suspected by a mother-in-law of being a leech on her husband even when she
may be richer and footing the greater cost in running the home. Some mothers therefore use
blackmail, pressure, manipulation and even curses to keep their hold on their sons. Others show
great favoursitism by showing high preference of their children over their in-laws and build
disconnect relationships.

Unnecessary interference.
Some in-laws meddle unintentionally thinking they are demonstrating love and care when in fact
they do not allow the couple enough space to plan their family. When things go wrong in some
marriages, in-laws take over with threats, pressure and money. Some in-laws expect to be waited
upon unduly. They leave couples feeling controlled.
Insecure wives. A wife may feel insecure and inadequate as she compares herself with her
obviously more mature and experienced mother-in-law. She may resist the interference from her in-
laws and a rivalry may result. In Akan communities, it is common to hear some wives describe their
mother-in-laws as ‘ase korafo’, meaning one who doubles as a mother-in-law and a rival. Conflicts
become inevitable.
Some ways of handling in-law problems

Make a good first impression.

First impressions are usually very important. How you present yourself when you meet your in-laws
in the initial stages can greatly affect your future marriage. You must therefore watch how you
dress, move, eat and converse with and support your in-laws.
Clear up any unresolved conflict with your parents or your future in-laws before you marry.
Unresolved conflicts carried inn a marriage may threaten it. It is therefore risky to carry problems
into your marriage and hope to solve them later.
Make an effort to know more about your in-laws and find out what they see as good in a marriage.
Know their customs, lifestyle, personalities and what they see as acceptable. It will help you not to
feel threatened by them. Forge a personal bond with them and make the best of the situation.
Patience and tact are essential in handling in-law situations.

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Small gestures will build friendship.
Do not stay in the home of your in-laws.
Every marriage has the right to its home because no house is big enough for two families. This
means you should not stay in your parent’s house. Parents who provide for your needs may try to
control your marriage. No matter how you try to get along, you may get stressed and this can
damage your health. It is known for example that wives who stay with their in-laws are more likely
to develop heart blood pressure, heart diseases and diabetes.

Privacy in marriage is therefore important.

You may see everything right with your marriage but your parents may see everything wrong with
it. Only under the most desperate circumstances should a married couple live with their in-laws and
even this must be for a short period.

Have a positive attitude about your in-laws.

When you marry, you belong to three families- your family, your spouse’s family and your own
new family. See your marriage as a blessing because through it, you get two fathers and two
mothers. Always thank your mother in-law for your husband. She is the reason for your marriage.

You must appreciate the concern of your in-laws.

Parents who loved their children since birth cannot suddenly stop loving them when they marry.
They are genuinely interested in your marriage. By attraction, they must perform the role of a
watchdog. In-laws are parents of someone special, the flesh and blood that created your partner.
Your spouse loves his or her parents and so must you because you are one flesh.
Do not criticize your spouse about his or her strong attraction to his or her parents and think that
your mother in-law has married his son in spirit. You must also avoid demanding that your spouse
chooses between you and his parents and extended family members. It is also unfair, for example,
for a husband to compare his young wife’s cooking to what his experienced mother does. This also
means you should not try to make your home a copy of the home from which you came. You must
also avoid using your in-laws as weapons. It is tempting for a husband to say to his wife that she is
just like her mother. Such comments can destroy the harmony in a family.
The problem of many spouses is the indifference and thoughtlessness they have about their in-laws.
It is therefore healthy to seek and accept advice from your in-laws even if you do not intend to
follow it through. Share with them details of your work so that they feel involved in your everyday
life. Your mother in-law is older, more experienced and knows your husband better. She can share
good ideas with you. It also makes her feel you value her greatly and she has some influence on her
son and his marriage.

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Accept criticism from your mother in-law and never comfort her. Allow your man or a respected
person to handle your problems. If your in-laws say something delicate, your spouse must deal with
his or her family. Rehearse and plan what you are going to say. Be brief and show great respect. It
is also advisable that you handle issues as soon as possible. When you delay, there is the tendency
for your in-law to develop bitterness and resentment.

Treat your mother-in-law with great love.

Call her ‘mum’ or a pet name as her own children do. Be friendly and respectful. Call just to say
hello. Do something nice for her. She is more likely to accept you as a daughter as long as this does
not interfere too much between intimacy and distance. Simply put, enrich your marriage by loving
your in-law. Compliment her and create a good impression of her. Make her feel special because
she has invested so much over many years in your spouse. She deserves to be treated with dignity
and respect. Show interest in everything she does and let her know you are impressed with what she
does.
Enjoy and celebrate what is outstanding in your in-law’s family. Always say something kind about
your in-laws. This also means you should never join others in condemning your in-laws or get
friends and family members to take sides against them. If you talk ill of your in-laws, your spouse
feels the pain and may be hostile to you.

Be nice to your spouse.

Make every sacrifice to make him or her happy and progress even when you do not like your in-
laws very much. Parents are comfortable and happy if their children are well cared for. Let your
parents know you spouse is good and that you are very happy in your marriage.

Set boundaries and stick together.

You must make every effort to get on very well with your in-laws but do not let them take over
your marriage. Present and united front with your spouse and resist any attempts by your parents
and relatives to interfere with your marriage. Put your marriage first. If you agree to stand firm
together, in-law manipulation will fail. On the other hand any disunity in-laws to drive a wedge in
your marriage.

Discuss who comes to visit and for how long.

Invite your in-laws when you are prepared for them otherwise they might invite themselves when
you are not ready for them. Set principles for their visit. In-laws’ visits must be short. Allow them
to do few things in your home and make them comfortable but it is advisable you discourage them

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diplomatically from cooking for the family or disciplining the children. Decide what must be done
in your own home.
It is also advisable you do not complain or quarrel in the presence of your in-laws. It gives a
foothold for them to interfere in your marriage. They may see your marriage in a bad light even
when you can handle your problems.

As far as possible, visit both parents together.

Help them in ways you find necessary especially during special family occasions. Present gifts
jointly as a couple. If you visit your parents alone, you can send gifts in the name of your spouse.

Support your parents and in-laws.

It is important you do not suddenly withdraw assistance to your parents. They will assume your
spouse is behind your actions. Give joint assistance to your parents and in-laws according to their
needs. One parent may need financial assistance regularly but another may need only regular visits
and calls.

FRIENDS AND MARRIAGE

Marriage is difficult and a network of friends will give you different support systems. Every
marriage therefore needs friends who will make you feel better and support certain aspects of your
life. If you have friends to talk to your marital problems lessen. On the other hand, loss of good
friends can affect you and your marriage badly.
Good friends will admonish you and give you good counsel. They will support you and encourage
you to say committed to your life goals. They will love you at all times even when a brother appears
to be an enemy. They are role models who provide valuable advice and complementary support.
Good friends will strengthen you spiritually, physically and mentally.
Make time for good friends but choose friends who make your life and marriage better. You must
however avoid confiding your concerns, fears, hopes, dreams, struggles and temptations in your
marriage with friends to the exclusion of your spouse. Also, avoid friends who insist on spending
time with you when you should be spending time with your spouse. You must also appreciate that
anyone who constantly criticizes your spouse or marriage is a bad friend.
When you marry, you inherit friends of your spouse. Your friends must also be friends of your
spouse. This means you must never have a friend your spouse is not aware of if you have nothing to
hide. Cherish old friends but drop those your spouse is uncomfortable with. It is also helpful not to
choose too many friends because it may put too much stress on your marriage.
Your friends must be mentors who can influence you positively with their godly lives. Let go of
past associations that may challenge your marriage. Instead, surround yourself with friends who
believe in you, believe in marriage and are not out to pull you down. This is because what friends

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say, think, and believe about you and your marriage can have a major influence on the kind of
lifestyle you lead. Their ideas may influence yours because as iron sharpens iron so a man sharpens
the countenance of friends.

Friendship among Married Women

Women have great attraction to friends because they have great emotional fulfillment in sharing and
discussing romance or marital problems with friends. They offer and receive help in anything that
promotes personal growth. Women, therefore, sustain a network of close friends to have a support
system. They see themselves as individuals in a network of connections for support.
As women associate freely with their female friends, they boost their energy, create deeper bonds
and feel connected to the world around them. As they share their problems with each other, they do
so not to directly ask for help, but to share sympathy and community. They participate in each
other’s emotions and share experiences that they believe only women could understand. Through
talking and feeling heard, women feel their problems lighten. Friendship among women also acts as
a buffer against stress. When a woman feels overwhelmed with pressures of work and marriage, she
looks for support from a network of friends.

What a Father and Mother in-law must do

In-law problems are equally shared between spouses and their parents. A father or mother in-law
with a good attitude can positively influence his or her children’s marriage.
Accept that you are not responsible for your children’s marriage. Your children need to build a life
and marriage separate from you. Choose attitudes and actions that grow peace. Avoid interfering in
the private affairs of your children even if you have genuine concern. Your son or daughter in-law
is a person with his or her own interests, history, tradition and experiences. As an adult, he or she is
entitled to be respected. Help him or her to respect you. Live and let live. Give him or her space to
build a future and tradition.
Accept that your son or daughter is an adult who has deliberately chosen whom to marry.

Respect his or her choice.

His or her needs are different and he or she does things differently. Avoid gossip and do not create
tension among your children and in-laws by showing favouritism. The love you show will help
keep your children’s marriage. Do not drain your children’s resources or make unrealistic demands.
Do not try to run your children’s lives when they marry.
You may however intervene in productive ways. In a non-lecturing fashion, share some of your
mistakes and achievements in your marriage in areas such as finance, parenting, communication
and spirituality. Spend some of your resources on them. Then let go. See the marriage of your son

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or daughter as an opportunity to extend your family. You do not lose a son or daughter but you gain
a daughter or son. You build wider bonds and greater love.

Marriage makes you part of a new family.

Do not overlook the debt you owe to your in-laws because you have each other because of them.
Your gratitude and love should reach out to them. Excessive involvement or detachment of in-laws
can put pressure on your marriage. Find a comfort zone between intimacy and distance as you make
every effort to maintain a happy relationship with the in-laws in both families. Sharing a good
relationship with your in-laws is difficult but vital because they can pronounce a blessing or curse
depending on how you treat them. You need each other. The rivalry between spouses and their in-
laws must therefore be healthy. Both must work hard to enjoy the beauty of love in marriage and
extended family systems.
Close friendship with women therefore produce emotional gratification and support in life’s issues
including marriage and motherhood which they get from husbands or children. The more love and
support wives receive from their female friends, the less demanding they will be on their husbands
to fulfill all their emotional needs. Friendship is therefore vital to married women. They therefore
tend to have more close friends throughout their lives than men do.
For women, telling secrets is an essential part of friendship and some find themselves
uncomfortable when they have no secrets to tell. You must however avoid telling intimate details of
your marital life. Do not talk too much about your marriage, your fears and weakness. The details
become gossip when the friend you talk to repeat them to someone else, sometimes in different
versions. Never tell your friend what you would not tell your husband.
Women, compared to men, tend to develop feelings to low esteem and insecurity. They also
experience jealousy more than men do and feel envious to see a friend doing well in his or her
marriage. Your friends out of jealousy may sabotage your marriage by criticism and gossip to put
you down, embarrass you, or damage your reputation. You must therefore be discerning with your
trust and have confidence in your marriage.
A wife must have friends who are good role models. Women who are rich in friendship enjoy better
physical health, live longer and are less prone to alcoholism and mental illnesses than women who
are lonely and isolated.

Friendship among Men

Men are competitive and may not trust each other much to share their feelings. They tend to have
acquaintances but no very close friends. Men therefore tend to isolate themselves and disclose less
on intimate issues.

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They find it difficult to create close relationship and ask for advice on emotional issues. They see
sexual issues as deep personal information. Many men therefore do not exchange personal
information with their friends. They see it as a sign of weakness.
Friendship among men is mainly about sharing activities and discussing issues such as business,
politics and sports so that they can express that part of them they cannot fully share with women.
By channeling their competitive tendencies is playful ways, they are released from the feeling of
measuring themselves only by their work. Friendship among men is therefore an essential element
in their growth and development. Husbands must however have friends who promote their marriage
and development.

Friendship among couples

Couples must establish new friends together. Have friends who meet your different needs in sports,
business, religion and other social activities. It is however, healthy to pick friends with compatible
values, interests and goals.
It is known that people in happy marriages are more supportive than unhappy couples or singles.
Find couples whose marriage you admire and ask them to be your mentors to provide support and
encouragement. Couples must assist each other and share activities but you must hold what you say
in confidence. It is also important for couples to avoid infidelity among themselves.

Friendship among couples and single friends

Single people have different lifestyles from married people. Their values and priorities may differ
markedly from yours. They are not accountable to anyone. They may date or hang out anytime and
with as many people as they want.

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