Communications and Listening Skills for Couples

Set aside time to talk to one another. You may even want to schedule or set a
regular time to talk in the diary, so the importance is not forgotten. For someone to
feel they are being completely listened to without interruption is a very rare and
special gift. Listening builds relationships, ensures problems are shared, helps
understanding, avoids mistakes and reduces feelings of conflict or isolation. Listening
saves money and builds relationships!

Face each other and keep good eye contact. Talking to someone who is scanning the
room, watching the TV or looking at their mobile or laptop is giving a message that this
conversation is not important or interesting. You need to give your undivided attention.
Put aside papers, books, the phone and other distractions. Look at your partner, even if
they don't look at you. Shyness, uncertainty, shame, guilt, or other emotions, can inhibit
eye contact. You don’t have to stare fixedly at them, but try to re-establish eye
contact regularly even if your partner is less able to do so.

Be attentive and stay relaxed. If you are tense this is building a barrier between you
and your partner. Keep an open posture without crossing your legs or closing your arms.
Be present and direct your attention to both the words, and the feelings behind the
words. Try to screen out your own thoughts, feelings, worries and biases. Remain
listening and quiet yourself, try not to interrupt even if the messages are painful to
hear. Jumping in with disagreements and defences before the other person has
finished making their point will only increase the level of emotion and it may build up
resistance or a disinclination in your partner to brave a difficult conversation again.

Keep an open mind. Listen without judging your partner, and without mentally
criticizing or rejecting the things they may be telling you. If what they say you
disagree with, or upsets or alarms you, try to control your own internal emotions in this
moment. There will be time to reflect on how you might be affected later. Do not start
talking over the other person. There will also be an occasion to speak at the end of
their outpouring (or perhaps on another day after you have reflected carefully on your
own feelings and opinions to be sure they still make sense to you). It may be possible
when it is your turn to talk, to quietly provide any facts or information that may have
been overlooked. Whilst you are listening, you will be trying to understand the other
person and not trying to work out your own emotions or defend your own actions. As
soon as you indulge in your own internal dialogue or analysis, you've reduced your ability
to listen.
Listen without jumping to conclusions. Remember that your partner is using their own
words to explain the thoughts and feelings inside their brain. You don't know what
those thoughts and feelings are and the only way you'll find out is by listening.

Don't interrupt or finish the other person’s sentences. This only interrupts the other
persons thinking pattern.

Listen to the words and try to picture what your partner is saying. Allow your mind
to create a picture of the information being communicated. You could also try to
remember key words and phrases your partner uses.

Whilst it's your turn to listen, don’t spend the time thinking how to defend yourself or
planning what to say next. You can't rehearse what you want to say and listen to
someone at the same time. Think only about what the other person is saying and how
they may be feeling.

Finally, concentrate on what is being said, and stay focused and do not imagine you know
what they are about to say, however long you have known each other. If your thoughts
start to wander, immediately force yourself to refocus.

Don't interrupt and don't suggest "solutions", Do not try to problem solve for the
other person as this will dis-empower them. Most people want to figure out their own
solutions. Only offer ideas and suggestions if you are specifically asked for what ideas
and opinions you have on the matter. Very rarely if you are absolutely bursting with a
brilliant solution, at least get your partner's permission by asking "Would you like to
hear my ideas?"

Interrupting sends a variety of messages. It says:

"I'm more important than you are."

"What I have to say is more interesting, accurate or relevant."

"I don't really care what you think."

"I don't have time for this right now."

"This isn't a conversation, it's a contest, and I'm going to win."

We all think and speak at different rates. If you are a quick thinker and an agile talker,
the responsibility is for you to slow down your pace for your partner. You need to leave
enough time and space for the one who has more trouble expressing things.

Wait for your partner to pause to ask clarifying questions. When you don't
understand something, of course you should ask your partner to explain it to you. But
rather than interrupt, wait until the speaker pauses. Then say something like, "would
you go back for a second as I didn't understand what you just said about…" However it
is really important that you do not use your clarifying question just as an excuse to
challenge some fact or feeling that has been expressed. Ask only ‘open’ questions
beginning with ‘what’, ‘where’ or ‘how’ but try to avoid ‘why’ which can sound challenging.

Ask questions only to ensure understanding. Our questions have to be relevant

otherwise they may lead people in directions that have nothing to do with
where they thought they were going. Sometimes if we ask a random question of
interest to ourselves, then your partner will be deflected off their subject and they
may work back to the original topic, but very often they don't.

When you notice that your question has led your partner to stray from their original
topic, take responsibility for getting the conversation back on track by saying
something like, "It was great to hear about X, but tell me more about your thoughts
and feelings on Y."

Imagine what your partner is feeling. If you feel sad when your partner is talking and
expresses sadness, joyful when they express joy, fearful when they describe fears, you
should try to convey your similar or shared feelings through eye contact, nodding or
your facial expressions or an occasional well-timed "uh huh."

Try not to break your partner’s flow by interrupting with your own interpretation, or by
expressing your feelings in a long explanation. This is about them! At most you could
reflect back some key words they have used with a tentative question which encourages
your partner to disclose even more, for example “So you felt devastated by this news?”
This is being empathetic and is at the heart of good communications.

To experience empathy, you have to put yourself in the other person's place and allow
yourself to feel what it is like to be them at that moment. Think about the level of
importance or significance this event or emotion has to your partner. Think about the
meaning of this event to your partner. This is not an easy thing to do. It takes energy
and concentration. But it is a generous and helpful thing to do, and it facilitates
intimacy, understanding and mutual appreciation.
Stay engaged with your partner during conversations. Show that you understand
where your partner is coming from by reflecting what you believe in one short phrase
are your partner’s feelings. "You must be thrilled!" "What a terrible ordeal for you." "I
can see that you are confused." The idea is to give some proof that you are listening,
and that you are following their train of thought, and not off indulging in your own
fantasies while they talk to themselves.

Pay attention to what isn't said—to nonverbal cues. A lot of personal communication
is nonverbal. We glean a great deal of information about each other without saying a
word. Even over the telephone, you can learn almost as much about a person from the
tone of their voice than from anything they say. When we talk to our partner, whatever
we chat about, if we hear a lilt and laugh in their voice, we feel reassured that they are
feeling OK.

Face to face with a person, you can detect enthusiasm, boredom, or irritation very
quickly in the tone, expression around the eyes, the set of the mouth, the slope of the
shoulders, the folded arms. These are clues you can't ignore. When listening, remember
that words convey only a fraction of the message.

Summarize, Summarize, Summarize! At the end of every conversation in which

information is exchanged, conclude with a clear summary statement to confirm the main
points or messages. In conversations that result in agreements about future
obligations, changes or activities, summarizing will not only ensure accurate follow-
through, it will feel perfectly natural. In practical situations, especially when discussing
responsibility for chores at home or finances, always restate instructions and
agreements to be sure you understand correctly. In conversations that do not include
agreements, and are more about emotions and opinions, just explain that you want to
summarise in brief what has been expressed by the other person, to ensure you
remember the key messages or to acknowledge how they have been affected.