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NEW HAVEN EDITION

APRIL 2016

THE ONLY MAGAZINE AT YALE ABOUT STUFF AT YALE

VOL 23 ISSUE 3

DEAN JONATHAN HOLLOWAY

AND YALES

49
OTHER

MOST
BEAUTIFUL
PEOPLE

RUMPUS

yalerumpus.com

The Only Magazine at Yale about Stuff at Yale.

The Rumps View

Trump Steaks
EDITORS-IN-CHIEF

Dear readers,

Trump Vodka
PUBLISHERS

Our coked-up kindergarten teacher with psoriasis told

us that everyone is beautiful on the inside. True Beauty,
though, is found only on the outside. We have done you
the acute favor of assiduously sifting out True Beauty from
the vile masses of Yale fuglies. In these pages, painstakingly
compiled the exact night before printing, you will encounter
the Truest Beauties amongst us.

Trump University
MANAGING EDITORS

The True Beauty we present to you today is exactly what will

save us from ourselves. After all, when Yales pink, wrinkly
balls swelled and popped over the last six months, it was
unclear what New World Order would follow. But to spare
us from an all-out class war, the hot people of Yale have
risen again from the crusty ashes of the cis-hetero-whitepatriarchy to show us what it means to be beautiful despite
the odds. To them, to their bodies, and to their souls, our
campus owes our deepest thanks for allowing Rumpus to
exploit them anew.

Trump Ice
STAFF

Zachary Kreiser

Drumpf

Over the last six months, weve spent many a sleepless night
asking ourselves how a white person could possibly be
beautiful. The question remains unresolved, but this edition
contains the fewest whities of any 50 Most issue ever. This
edition also boasts the highest quantity of 50 Mosters
banged collectively by the staff, but that is neither here nor
there.

LOB

Bernie
SPECIAL THANKS

Sculpting the issue that sits damp in your clammy hands

was no easy feat. Weve plunged deep into the annals of
your Facebook profiles. Weve had to look up words like
sartorial and vicariism and lucid outside of the phrase
lucid dreaming. One of our staffers thought dong meant
ass. Its been a hell of an education.
Thank you to all of the writers, editors, booty callers,
and photographers that made this issue possible. And
thank you to one of our generous foundersthe original
RumpDaddyfor financially lubricating the printing of this
issue and facilitating the multiple orgasms it will inspire.
We stand before you now, swollen with love, hate, sweat,
tears, and cucumber spa water to present this work of Art,
Truth, and Vanity. If there is one thing we have learned in
our year-long search for hotness, its that we are merely
assholes in a sea of slightly larger assholes, mortals among
models, and water-logged cucumbers suspended in chilled
spa water.
And we, here and now, ugly, surrounded by beautiful
people, are infinite.
Rump Love Everlasting,
Alicia Lovelace & Adam Sokol
Editors-in-Chief

THE NEXT 50:

PETA
Pita
YUAG

THOSE WHO
JUST MISSED

Nick Adeyi, Chase Ammon, Viviana Andazola Marquez, Aaron Berman, Reed Berry, Sonali
Chauhan, John Chirikjian, Yale Dancers, Mary Kate Dilworth, Patrick Doolittle, Alexandra
Esnouf, Tyler Foggatt, Cooper Hall, Emma Hammarlund, Nick Henriquez, Chad Hilliard, Sarah
Holder, Mrs. Jonathan Holloway, Leo Kim, Zachary Kreiser, Heyo its Larry, Kat Lin, Henry
Loughlin, Marisa Lowe, Alicia Lovelace, Corey Malone-Smolla, Pi Beta Phi, Jacob Prince, Nader
Rastegar, David Ribot, Holly Robinson, Alex Saiontz, Jenna Selati, Robbie Short, Kate Simon,
Eve Sneider, Adam Sokol, Siddhi Surana, Josh Tarplin, Rachel Treisman, Alex Tymchenko, Sean
Walker, Katharine Wang, Rebecca Wolenski, Eugenia Zhukovsky, Magda Zielonka

APRIL 2016

yalerumpus.com

RUMPUS

RUMORS, TRUTHS WE COULDNT PROVE, AND OTHER ALLEGATIONS

How old was the New
York City Socialite
who uninvited us to
his birthday party in
The City because we
failed to include him
in this years 50 Most
Beautiful Edition? XXI
going on X, you might
say. Real mature. In
case you missed out
this season, we are still
accepting cash bribes
for 50 Most 2017.
Speaking of the
illuminati, what
happened at the New
Orleans? For one, a
Rumpus ex-staffer left
Yale and became the
literal Queen of Mardi
Gras.
Which Cabo repeatoffender returned
to Mexicos most
infamous club, El

Squid Roe, after being

arrested there two years
ago? This time, the
SAE bro woke up next
to two prostitutes and
two voyeuristic pimps
demanding dineros.
Squid ruh-roh!!
Since were already
rolling in SAE love,
which indignant
sophomorewho
basically invented
Alpha Phi?is
on probation from
her sorority for
masterminding an
underground mixer of
only hot ppl and the
suspended frat? All we
know is that Crepes de
Phi was the best greek
fundraiser of all time.
But how about rolling
face? At which mixer
did a Theta encourage

frosh to take MDMA,

only to find that the
party sucked with or
without drugs.
How selfless was the
Rumpus staffer who
drew blood only to
pass out later that day
on top of his prefrosh
hook-up? Sources say
the prefrosh is still
leaning towards Yale.
Speaking of bodily
fluids, which rower
got peed on by
his teammate at
lightweight crew
formal at Elm City
Social? Yalies have truly
impressed us this year
with their proactive
bystander intervention.
Speaking of genius,
which Skull & Bones
imposter fake-tapped

a group of juniors and

had them play a game
of Jenga under video
surveillance on the
stage of SSS 114?
Speaking of Boners,
which daring junior
took it upon himself
to tap Skull & Bones,
leaving a waxsealed dick-pic at
the tomb doorstep.
GERONIMOOOO.
Which bulldog abroad
made out with eleven
guys at a bath party
in Budapest only to
barely make it out alive
the next day when her
hostel burned down
in Venice. The firemen
came in gondolas.
Imagining it, we came
instantly.

By the Numbers
Selecting Yales 50 Most Beautiful People
requires patience, knowlede, and complex
statistical methods. Every year, the 50
Most selection process provides us with a
massive amount of steaming hot data just
waiting to be digested.
The hottest residential college this year was
Stiles, usurping Saybrooks long-held title.
Stiles has seven 50 Mosters compared to
Saybrooks six.
The ugliest colleges were, expectedly,
Trumbull, Silliman, and JE, coming up with
only two hotties each.
While no Greek organiation has a particularly
strong showing, underdog Fence Club came
up big with eight 50 Mosters.
Try your own hand at 50 Most Math! See if
you can identify the following:
ONLY 21 WHITE PEOPLE.
1 Dean of Yale College.
1 gigantic penis. When you see it...

RUMPUS

yalerumpus.com

Do you know where (besides Jamie Hobson of

Jamie Hobson (DC 17) is course) could keep up with
at 1:30AM? Rumpus does. that kind of sexual charisma.
On most days, this DPort Barely Rumpus, thats for
junior can likely be found sure.
shotgunning motz sticks
We were resigned to keep
at Est Est Est, running a a relationship with Jamie
naked lap around a college consistent with our other
courtyard, or
romantic
just kickin
endeavors:
it back and
slow crying
solving the
into a Rosie
education
ODonnell
most beautiful b o d y
crisis. She is
also a studier
FANTASY pillow after
of American
THREESOME a c c i d e n t l y
studies,
reacting to
president of the Black their Facebook photos at
Student Alliance at Yale, 3AM on Monday nights. We
president of Fence Club, put our depression aside for
a media tech, and tutor of a second to move on to more
local children. Obviously, serious topics. We began to
our first instinct was to fall inquire about Jamies life at
in love with this LA native; home and at Yale.
sadly, we knew she was far
Jamie has taken Yale by
out of our league.
storm and has a wealth of
Jamie made my chances advice for those of us who
slimmer and slimmer as still might not know exactly
the interview progressed. I what a provost is (srsly
knew my chances were less tho what even is that). Her
than zero when she revealed favorite memory at Yale so
to me her dream historical far is the March of Resilience
threesome: Abe Lincoln and last semester. A hype
Malcolm X. Who on Earth leader was needed to rally

JAMIE
HOBSON

the masses, so, naturally,

everyone looked to Jamie.
She took the march by storm
and coordinated all of the
chants, drawing inspiration
from an eclectic mix of
sources and even managing
to throw in some Bob
Marley lyrics. Her favorite
professor and biggest crush
at Yale is Roland Greg, who
she describes as such a ball
of energy. When I see him
on the streets we just talk
about our lives.
Her favorite class at
Yale has been Sexuality,
Modernity, and Censorship.
This makes sense given
her
career
aspirations.
Jamie
hopes
to
end
misrepresentation
and
underrepresentation in the
entertainment and media
marketing. She worked for
SONY last summer, and
hopes to continue work in
the media industry after
school (preferably in New
York, concrete jungle where
dreams are made of). Jamie
also spends a bunch of time
thinking about how gender
affects co-ed social spaces

Photo by Alicia Lovelace

He is very single and even more
employable.
If there is anything Jamie Cahill
(BK 16) wants you to take away
from this article, it is the previous
sentence.
Im a second-semester senior,

he said, expounding upon both

statements. However, for those of
you who examine 50 Most the way
your dad reads Playboy (for the
written content, of course), there
is much more to this Aussie than a
sex drive and a skill set well-suited

and wants to have an

impact within those, too.
We asked Jamie who
her favorite person is,
and she told us its either
her mom or her youngest
sibling, Klarke, but the
third child of Kimye may
actually take the cake.
Amen. Rumpus wanted
to end the interview
with the most classic of
questions: what is your
dream vacation, and who
would you go on it with?
Jamie thought for a
while, and after revealing
that she had never
been out of the country
(although she is going
to Bermuda this spring
breakhit
her
up)
decided that she would
go to Spain with Jennifer
Lawrence. She admitted
that Jennifer would
feel obliged to pay for
everything and would
keep me laughing all the
time. Wed be a fucking
power couple. Yes, they
would.
JOSH TARPLIN

to a number
of
career
opportunities.
Hes also very
tall and very
attractive, with
hair that would
make JC proud.
But
dont
get so lost in
his bright green
eyes that you
cannot see the
man
behind
them Cahill
is also what
he would call
a real pensive
type.
Hes
ready to discuss
anything from
neuroscience
and the human
consciousness
to fashion and
the nuances of
the Indonesian
language.
Cahill is also full of practical
wisdom.
It is really, really easy to
make rocket fuel from household
ingredients, Cahill coyly noted,
then enthusiastically explained

Photo by Josh Tarplin

how to separate ammonium nitrate [50 Most], so Ive spent the past
out from ice packs.
three years essentially being told
Youre probably wondering how hot all of my friends are.
when he could possibly have had
Cahill may be modest, but he
time to cultivate so many abilities is not unaware of himself. He
that make him an asset to any confidently states that his best
business venture; as it turns out, feature is his stature. Though hes
Cahill wasnt always so busy
65, Rumpus
maintaining his ridiculously
was unclear to
good looks.
which kind of
When I was a kid, I had
stature he was
Man Boobs and could fit a
referring.
most beautiful
McDonalds straw between
A f t e r
my two front teeth, Cahill
reading
this
PENSIVE TYPE
confessed. Unfortunately
far, you must
for him, his personal style matched be wondering where you can
his physical appearancehe was a meet this former rower and future
huge fan of jorts and cargo shorts Employee of the Month. When hes
for most of his childhood. No one not working out in Payne Whitney,
except his mom saw the potential Cahill spends most of his time at
beneath the denim until he was 14, home with his friends or mixing
when two female classmates took music.
him under their wing. Since then,
I live under a rock, Cahill says.
Cahills pants have gotten longer, I pretty much only go out for
and, except for a brief fling with Mating Season. But dont worry
the metrosexual look, things about trying too hard for Cahill,
have gotten better on all fronts.
ladieshe likes the au naturel
Despite
the
massive look. So whether youre a superimprovements, Cahill claimed hot single lady over 57 or an HR
that it was surprise and an honor representative of any height, Jamie
to be named one of Yales 50 Most Cahill is probably exactly what you
Beautiful. This is perhaps due to need.
the company he keeps. Most of
MARY KATE DILWORTH
the guys I live with have been in

JAMIE
CAHILL

APRIL 2016

yalerumpus.com
Izak Alexander Epstein (DC 19) aspires
to be wavy. What is wavy, you ask? Rumpus
isnt quite sure, but its Izaks favorite word.
Rumpus asked Izak (pronounced Isaac, but
just
spelled
super wavyly)
for
a
definition:
Its just like
wavy. Its like
most beautiful
alternative.
Its weird but
WAVY MAN
awesome. You
dont
even
have to like it. But you have to like the fact
that you dont like it. Does that make sense?
No, Izak, it does not. But youre hot enough
that well let this one slide.
Besides mastering the English language,
Izak spends much of his time surrounded
by tall, scantily-clothed men. If youre
thinking Magic Mike, think again. Izak is a
heavyweight rower, and like all heavyweight
rowers, he makes you feel small and
submissive. Speaking of submissive, Izaks
ideal girl would be super chill and wavy
and smarter than him because he needs
someone to challenge him and hold him
accountable for the things he says. Rumpus
has a hard time imagining a girl smarter than
Izak. Izak likes all types of girls, but mostly
girls with blue eyes and blonde hair and 57.
Izak cites his own dark, soulless eyes as his
biggest insecurity. But he does love the veins

IZAK
EPSTEIN

Photo by Josh Tarplin

on his biceps after a workout.

Izak likes wavy music and chick flicks.
One of his favorite movies is The Notebook.
He also likes those indie movies where the
kids go ride their bikes to the hill somewhere
and have like a picnic. Izak has never been
to East Rock. His dream date would be a
girl asking him to picnic on East Rock. She
would bring the food.
We asked Izak to play a game of Fuck,
Marry, Kill with Vince Staples, A-Trak, and
Janelle Mone. He did not know the game,
but after a bit of explanation, Izak got the
hang of it. Hes a fast learner. Id marry Vince
Staplesit would be a platonic marriage
because hes from my hometownHe
definitely has the SoCal outlook on life.
(Izak is from Long Beach. Wavy.). Fuck
Janelle Mone because I cant challenge that
norm. I would challenge social norms in a
lot of ways and Im all for it, but not that.
Actually, maybe. Maybe I would try. I dont
know. (Hes talking about fucking a dude.)
Kill A-Trak because he looks like a douche
bag. Dont tell him I said that.
Impressed with his open-mindedness,
Rumpus asked Izak about his sexuality. On
the Kinsey Scale, 1 is so straight that you
couldnt even entertain the thought and 6 is
very gay. Id put myself at like a 1.5. Because
I definitelyIve never, likeI just think
that like a 1.5 is a good place because yeah
I couldI hook up with girls and Ive never
hooked up with a guy and I dont plan on

Photo by Marisa Lowe

itbut like, the thought. Likewhen youre

really drunk. You know like European guys?
You might kiss a guy on the lips if youre
drunk, and hes like your really good friend.
Like, dude. There are friends of mine that
are so close to me that it wouldnt bother me.
So Im a 1.5. How wavy is that?! Rumpus
hopes we would be that extra 0.5.

Before I arrived at class of 2013, who, full

Mamouns for my dinner/ disclosure, was the first
interview with Gillian Bolt person I ever profiled for
(JE 19), a car accident 50 Most (I did a terrible
happened
on
Howe jobsorry, Mary!) They
Street right in front of the have a middle sister, too:
restaurant while she was Catie Bolt (JE 18), who
waiting inside.
probably would be on
I did nothing, Gillian 50 Most if Gillian hadnt
said, her
t h re at e n e d
v o i c e
to break into
flat and
the Rumpus
h o l l o w,
lair,
burn
like Siri
everything,
when she
change the
most beautiful
tells you
locks, install
there are
KILLER a hot tub,
no Arbys
and
never
invite
us
restaurants within 20 over. Sorry, Catie! Maybe
miles. I watched.
next year.
Make no mistake:
During her gap year,
despite the soft G, Gillian Gillian went to India, got
is hard. She doesnt have married, raised a family,
a single empathetic bone abandoned them all to
in her body. She went to become a cigar-chomping
a radiologist to check. Bollywood studio exec,
Hes dead now. Unrelated. pissed off the government,
Gillian has all her other got kicked out of the
bones, though! She has a country, and then made me
nice bone structure.
reschedule our interview
Gillian is the second because shed snuck back
Bolt to be on 50 Most: the into India to go to another
first was her sister, Mary, wedding so she could

GILLIAN
BOLT

Izak has loved freshman year so far, but

there are still a few things left on his Yale
bucket list. He wants to hook up with a Q-Pac
girl at some point. After I get heartbroken,
I will go to Saturday Night Toads and get
that one checked off the listThen I will get
STD tested. Wavy, Izak. Wavy.
CHASE AMMON

finish some things.

Gillian loves weddings!
Despite being married
several times over in
India, Gillian is single.
Single and looking. Single
and peering through
the
venetian
blinds.
Single and following the
movements of prospective
romantic interests with
the crosshairs on her scope
from across the grassy
knoll in an otherwise
inconspicuous
office
building in downtown
New Haven. She likes
classic dinner-and-a-movie
datesso guys, take notes!
Gillian paid for my
dinner. They say thats her
calling card. She keeps the
receipts. She laminates
them, punches holes in
them, and wears them on
a leather string around her
neck. Also human toes. She
also has a charm bracelet!
Have you ever seen
Die Hard? Thats Gillians
favorite movie. Actually,
she told me it was Moulin
Rouge, but Im pretty
sure she meant Die

Hard. Gillians got a lot

in common with Bruce
Willisthey both at one
point publicly requested
5 minutes alone in a room
with Saddam Hussein,
and they both live in sunny
California!
Gillian and I had some
good laughs over our
falafel. She told me shes
considering majoring in
theater studies, that she
always carries an acetylene
torch in her backpack, and
that everyone in her large
extended family has the
same prominent double
chinthe Johnson jowl!
I asked Gillian if shed
ever killed someone, and
she just stared off into the
distance, looking straight
past the baklava. All of
Mamouns was silent for
a moment, except the
humming churn of the
mango juice cooler.
I do improv, she said.
Im in the Viola Question.
NICK HENRIQUEZ

RUMPUS

yalerumpus.com

The next time you head to enough for Brea. She proceeded
Durfees, downtrodden, to buy to spend her entire junior year
your sad, sad, pre-prepared abroad, starting with a semester
macro-vegan Pad Thai noodles, in Australia, followed by a
take a glimpse at whos ringing comparative program in Brazil,
up your ridiculously overpriced India, and South Africa. Rumpus
purchase. If its a Saturday, has talked to many Yalies who
chances are your breath will be have had similar experiences
taken away. Brea
during high school
Baker (SY 16)
and is sure that
counts working
Breas
travels
at Durfees from
were, like, totally
twelve to five
transformative, like,
most beautiful totally
every Saturday
reshaping
allowing her to
THE VIEW how we think about
interact
with
PANELIST other cultures and
more
hopeless
our place in the world.
Yale students than a Box
Brea changes her hairstyle
bartenderas one of her Yale more often than Rumpus
claims to fame, but she is changes our underwear and has
remarkable for so much more. sported some dazzling hairdos
Brea hails from Queens, over the years. But, according to
New York, but was infected Brea, her most attractive features
with a genuine love for are her sumptuous freckles,
international travel at a young which gave rise to her Instagram
age. At Yale, she has blossomed handle, @freckledduckling
into a veritable globetrotter; Brea also prides herself on her
after traveling to Dominica on adaptability, which allows her
a Reach Out spring break trip, to thrive in any social setting
then spending a summer in into which shes thrust (hot!).
Paris, she subsequently interned
This brings us to another
in Botswana. Much like the matter: Breas ubiquitous social
policies of white feminist media presence. One of Breas
politicians, that was simply not greatest qualities is her ability

BREA
BAKER

Francisco Torres Rojo

(BK 18) is about as close as
you can get to being a Jewish
Mothers Dream (JMD)
without being Jewish. Hes
pre-med, with plans to
double-major in HSHM and
East Asian studies, refers
to Yale as his crowning
failure (he got rejected from
Stanford, his brothers alma

Photo by Adam Sokol

mater), and is a member of

AEPi. As a brother, he said
hes learned lots about the
chosen people. Ive learned
what a mensch is and what a
goy isthats me. I learned
the difference between a
menorah and a hannukiah.
Shabbat, what that is, the
whole dinner thing. Seders,
very important, drink wine.

to influence large swaths of

people in a few fell keystrokes.
Its sad, then, that Brea just
gave up arguing with people
on Facebook for Lentbut also
admirable because three Rumpus
staffers
were
hospitalized
trying to do her ordinary
work on Overheard at Yale.
Oh, Brea was also once a
guest panelist on literal The
View but disappointingly,
as far as Rumpus could tell,
didnt get into even an ounce
of beef with Raven-Symon.
Thats so Rumpus, am I right?
Okay, so, by now youre
probably begging for more
information about how you
can get this. Brea says her three
ideal qualities in a potential
beau are a good sense of
humor, a strong jawbone, and
an admirable squad of friends.
Rumpus has none of those
things, but we can buy Miyas
Sushi, which, Brea says, is
probably sufficient; she spends
most of her free time there.
Also one time she left
a vibrator in my shower.
AARON BERMAN

In fact, he credits learning

about Judaism in AEPi
as the inspiration for his
interest in East Asia. Going
into a Jewish fraternity and
knowing nothing about Jews
and then learning a lot about
Jews, I thought learning
about East Asia would be
cool because I dont know
anything about East Asia,

Photo by Aaron Berman

he says, while also admitting

to have taken L1 Korean for
shits and giggles. Swoon.
Francisco
performs
a number of important
duties
within
AEPi,
including but not limited
to planning a trip to
the bowling alley for
the brosif theres one
thing Rumpus loves,
its knocking
down phallic
objects
with
a giant ball.
Francisco, too.
When asked to
describe his ideal
date, he said it
would definitely
involve
time
at the bowling
alley. Hed want
to bowl, but also
to talk about
life, yet to keep
both the bowling
ball
and
the
conversation out
of the gutter. Im
a traditionalist,
F r a n c i s c o
announces,
a third date

kind of guy. Bubbe

is going to love him.
A self-proclaimed serial
monogamist,
this
guy
screams
~commitment-

FRANCISCO
TORRES
ROJO
most beautiful

ALPHA
ready~. Well, almost. He
thinks of flirting as his area
of expertise. I try to be
super weird and cheesy, and
most times I really shouldnt
have gotten the response I
did. According to Francisco,
its largely about confidence.
In general, he says, he wont
make a move unless he
knows he has a pretty good
chance, but also admits to
being more confident than
the average Yale guy. The
way he sees it, Yale men
are so unsure of themselves
that they cant get past it.
As far as heteronormativity

goes, I strive to be an
Alpha,
he
declares.
But Francisco is so
much more than a puffed
chest and piercing gaze. He
really opened his heart
to Rumpus; this is a guy
who knows how to delve
deep. As a little kid, I
had very low self-esteem,
he confesses. I got very
reliant on other peoples
perceptions of me for
validation. Even his selfidentification as an Alpha
has its limits: when
Im talking to my friends,
Im super Beta because
theyre all much more
knowledgeable than me.
Having immigrated to the
United States from Mexico
at the age of 8, the youngest
of 9 kids, Franciscos
seen about all there is
to see. Hes just a really
laidback and perceptive
guy whos also into really
dank memes. Rumpus
maintains: if Francisco
isnt good enough for your
Jewish mother, no one is.
EVE SNEIDER

APRIL 2016

yalerumpus.com
Just imagine. Youre on a pristine consciousness is restored. We sit in a
beach in some faraway land that is not cold sweat in the room with the pool
the Jersey Shore. The sun is setting. table off of the Pierson common room.
Theres a DJ who is blasting some solid Neema Githere (BK 18) is smiling,
East African beats, and youre going in pool cue in hand, as she watches
on the dancing. You feel liberated, but us recover from her description of
not just because of the dancing. Youre her ideal date. Rumpus has never
also having sex. Passionate, passionate heard one like that before. Neema,
sex. And so is everyone else around with ease, pockets the 8 ball, beating
youits an orgy. But youre having sex us for the second straight game.
with only one person, and you two feel
Neema is, sincerely, the coolest
a connection.
50 Moster that Rumpus has
A connection
ever interviewed. Check out her
like the Navi
Instagram
(@findingneema)
in Avatar feel
and youll understand. She is so
when
they
most beautiful cool that instead of having a lucky
touch
their
shirt, she has a lucky attitude.
DOM So cool that her favorite drink
tails together.
Y o u r e
is weed. So cool that she sees her
focused on each other, barely even early humanoid, alien-shaped skull
noticing the orgy around you. and her attached earlobes as her best
You and your partneryour date physical attributes. So cool that she is
are on this sex beach to compete in an comfortably willing to fart in front of
intense tournament that includes three us because lets end fart shaming! So
niche sports: ping-pong, badminton, cool that she forgoes all handshakes for
and bowling. How are you bowling hugs. That she cut off all of her hair to
on a beach? It doesnt matter. You and shed a lot of the experiences she had
your date are vibing hard, alternating in long hair. That her favorite movie
missionary and doggy style as you is Paris Hiltons sex tape. That she is
serve up aces on the ping-pong lactose-intolerant. That in the middle
table and hit 7-10 splits every time of our interview she decides she
because thats what you were born to wants Welchs fruit snacks and takes
do, dammit. If you want to go from us on a journey through the Pierson/
ping-pong to anal, just go for it. Davenport basement to find them. We
Rumpus opens our eyes and our get distracted when we come across a

NEEMA
GITHERE

Rumpus was lucky to have

the chance to get up close
and personal with Edward
Columbia (MC 18), a
sophomore Squash player
and theatre geek who actually
does theatre. Edward, we
didnt understand a lot of
what you said during our
chat because weve lost
too many brain cells over
the years doing shit that
Mama Rump made us do.
Regardless, youre gorgeous,
and we were pretty into you.
Rumpus: So, Edward,
after incessantly stalking
you on Facebook, it looks
like you got married
in
China
last
year?
Edward:
Yeah
R: How old are you???
E:
21.
A billion thoughts rush
through our head: is he an
American citizen? If hes
into marrying early, maybe
he could be GREEN CARD
BAE. Maybe we should
propose now. I mean, hes
hot,
speaks
Mandarin
fluently, and is into Asia so
we could potentially take

ping-pong table, and a 30-minute

game ensues. We werent on a beach
and we werent having sex, but thats
okay because the ping-pong was good
and Rumpus won fair and square.
At the time of our fruit snack
adventure, Neema is single. Shes
been in love before, but is becoming
increasingly confused as to what love
is. I feel like Ive felt very distinct
kinds of love. The difference between
loving somebody and being in love
with somebody has become evident
to me. But I fall in love with people
every day. And I fall in love with
moments. Rumpus could fill an
entire issue with our introspective
musings about Neema and the sex
stories she told us, but she made us
swear not to repeat some of them.
Considering what weve already
written, you can use your overactive
imagination to come up with the rest.
Rumpus worships Neema. We
wish we could chill more with her
this semester, but she is currently
studying abroad in South Africawe
were lucky enough to catch her on
campus in January before she left.
We ask Neema how she feels about
going to Cape Town. She puts down
her pool cue. Im gonna dom that
city, she says. We dont doubt it.
ADAM SOKOL

him home to our parents. CHINESE

BREWED
R: Theres a crazy story BEER AND DECIDED
involved here, isnt there. TO GET MARRIED?!
We need to know this. IS THAT EVEN LEGAL
E: Yeah, there is (brushes IN
CHINA
YET??!!
aside his long, dark hair
E: Um, no. Well, anyway,
and laughs and now we I ended up staying with
have a lady boner). I spent him for a week. Now,
an amazing week in this that wedding happened
amazing area
because
of Southeast
R
:
China and I
So
you
stayed with
W E R E
this artist,
married?!
most beautiful
and he and I
E
:
just hit it off
No,
not
MARCO POLO
immediately.
e x a c t l y.
We didnt know each other This
artist
had
a
when I arrived, but a mutual photographer friend who
friend had connected us. was running a business, and
So, this artist picked me up I met this guy and he was
at the airport, and asked like, oh, I really wanna take
me, so how long are you pictures of you, (same) and
staying? and I said, uh I was like, okay. Because
I dont know. And then he in my mind, this was a way
asked me, so where are of repaying my new friend
you staying? and I said, for generously hosting me.
uh I dont really know So Im thinking that itll be
that either. And then he like a normal, corny photo
R: OH MY GOD. shoot thing. It turns out
AND
THEN
YOU he wanted to launch a new
GUYS GOT WASTED part of his business which
TOGETHER ON LOCAL was going to be wedding

EDWARD
COLUMBIA

photography, so he staged
not just a wedding, but a
Thai wedding at a Chinese
Buddhist temple. It was the
most incongruous thing!
R: Did the people at the
temple think it was real?
E: Yeah, the people at the
temple did think it was real,
which was hilarious because
we had a lot of random
people gawking at us (same).
I have no idea whats become

Photo by Chad Hilliard

Photo by Alicia Lovelace

of those pictures, and I really
hope they dont come back
to haunt me at some later
dateBut its very funny if
you think about it. I mean
I also had a lot of laughs
with the woman who was
my wife, my bride. She
was so nice and we became
really good friends. She was
like, yeahno big deal,
Ill have a new husband
tomorrow. She had done

this type of stuff for a living.

R: Would YOU like a
new partner in marriage
tomorrow? I mean we may
not be as beautiful as you
but we have a beautiful
abode on Old Campus, and
we could live together pretty
low-key. Would you be into
that? Edward? Hello???
SONALI CHAUHAN

RUMPUS

yalerumpus.com
Admit it: youve always had a thing for is infamous for confusing the Facebook
grandmas. Their cookies are just as much status update box with the Pornhub search
an aphrodisiac for you as those irresistible bar, Allie is doing her best to adapt to
Yale Dining mussels. Right? Youve modern technology and the ways of young
always suspected that grandmothers whippersnappers. Lately, she has been
loving ways would translate well to other trying to get a hang of this whole social
loving ways?? No? Then youve obviously media thing, by learning to navigate the
never met Allie Primak (ES 19). I feel Yale gif culture and by slowly transitioning
like I am a grandma, says this silver- into an insta selfie girl.
haired freshman, partly
A quick glance at Allies
because she loves
Instagram confirms that her
staying in and playing
selfie game has been coming
bridge, and partly
up lately, with angles that are
because she idolizes her
most beautiful always top-down and always
own grandma, Slava.
filtered tastefully. But why go
BABUSHKA through the effort to learn social
Shes like kind of a
hot grandma I guess,
media at all? According to Allie,
Allie admitted, flooding Rumpus head Yale is all about building your personal
with sensual images of elderly Ukrainian brand, whether its about the number of
women.
likes you get on your selfies, where you
In fact, this 50 Mosters entire family come from, or the sorority from which
hails from Russia Southern Ukraine, you later deactivate. Though she considers
and Allie herself speaks fluent Russian, a herself to be a low key person, shes
quality she shares with fellow hotties Mila looking to revise her own brand into one
Kunis and Vladimir Putin. Allie herself, thats more ebullient and effusive. Slowly
though, has always lived in the US where but surely, Allie is building her brand as
she attended Greenwich Academy along hip grandma: the grandma who puts the
with half of the Class of 2019. She was sex in sexagenarian; the grandma who
eager to make the distinction, however, can knock back a few shots after book club,
that she actually resides in Stamford rather make a killer snapchat story at Box quiet
than Greenwich, tactfully dodging the hours, and still be up the next morning
stigma that comes with being from the in time for the early bird special at Old
nations sugar daddy.
Country Buffet.
Unlike Rumpus grandma, who
ZACHARY KREISER

ALLIE
PRIMAK

Photo by Josh Tarplin

Its a Monday night. lived in Bombay and Dubai,
Youre sitting down for which she calls home.
dinner in Morse/Stiles after Like any self-respecting
another
international,
fucking
Malik
has
evening
traveled
the
section,
world
twice
eyeing your
and
most beautiful over
plate
of
undoubtedly
POLYGLOT knows more
vegan corn
succotash
about it than
with a mixture of confused you know about America.
arousal and pure disgust. Not to disappoint, she
You have three new Tinder speaks English, French,
matches, but theyre all from Hindi and Arabic, with plans
that section you were just to learn Italian or Chinese.
in so you play it off with To the Brits out there, Malik
a tactful Lmaoo what are ranks English accents as the
the chances (winky face). hottest, followed by Spanish,
Suddenly the dining hall French, and Irishno love
goes quiet and everyone for Australian accents, so
turns to gawk as Anya Malik keep your damn quarter zips
(MC 19) walks into the on, Heavyweight Crew. For
room. Nobody can believe some reason Rumpus still
their eyes when she actually struggles to understand,
glides over to wait in the this brunette bombshell
pizza line with the plebs. ranks Irish guys as the most
Maybe, you thinkno, you attractive, which explains
hopeshes a mortal just her love affair with The
like us too.
Script, an Irish pop-rock
Wrong. Down that band that tbh Rumpus had
succotash, nerd.
never heard of, but we cant
Born in Delhi, this really judge since Malik has
jetsetting beauty has also good taste in pretty much

ANYA
MALIK

everything else.
Malik isnt only hotter
and more cultured than
you, but shes undoubtedly
smarter too. A prospective
Math and Econ double
major, she reasoned with
Rumpus, Im really bad with
words. Ive been writing an
English essay for a long time
and its not going anywhere.
Photo by Siddhi Surana

I kinda want to work on Wall

Street at some point. Expect
to see this beauty ruling your
hearts and your wallets in the
near future, plebs; anyone
who even hints at GSachs so
nonchalantly must have their
shit together, and Maliks
list of extracurriculars is no
laughing matter. Peep her
working nights in the Morse

buttery, and maybe youll be

lucky enough to make eye
contactI even did twice
during our interview.
Malik is well on her
way to world domination
as financial coordinator
for Yale UNICEF, not to
mention being a member
of Yale Hindu Students
Council and helping with

film production. To round it

all out, Malik maintains her
Christian Bale in American
Psycho-esque physique as a
member of Danceworks, as
well as both club running
and club swimming. Rumpus
just hopes that her Wall
Street dreams dont turn her
into Patrick Batemanthen
again, if we had to go out
Bateman-style, at least wed
get to see Anya Malik one
last time.
When it comes to her love
life, first dates should be
either really casual or really
formal, Malik told Rumpus,
dropping hints for me when
I finally ask her out potential
suitors: an ideal outing
for this Delhi diva would
involve Tacos from a food
truck and walking around
the city, with anything
chocolate definitely being a
plus. So if you were planning
on shooting her the same
lets get coffee sometime
text you use on your Tinder
matches from section, dont
even try.
NICK ADEYI

APRIL 2016

yalerumpus.com
It was a dark and
stormy night when
we
interviewed
Korinayo Thompson
(TD 18) and hes
haunted our dreams
ever since. Rumpus
met Korinayo in the
only
dimly
lit corner of
Good Nature
Market.
He
sat down, and
our heart raced
faster
than
it does when
were late to lecture
and have to walk in
and find a seat in
front of everyone.
Korinayo looked up
at us and smiled.
Im from Lagos,
Nigeria. People are
always surprised that
Im an international,
Korinayo
began.
But
we
werent
surprisedhe just
seems like hes full
of
mysteries.
If
he could describe
himself in one word,
he said, it would

be
unsuspecting,
because people have a
hard
time
pinpointing
things down about me.
But would he have a hard
time pinning us down?
Korinayo is a Political
Science major and the

KORINAYO
THOMPSON

Photo by Emma Hammarlund

Hiss. Pssst. Hsssssssss. A male Fancy explains.

Corn Snake, when courting a potential
Katzmans identification with animals
mate, will hiss, flick its tongue, and perform even extends to aquatic ecosystems. Like
a shuffle dance. I stand in the Reptiles & the Beta Fish we watch floating around
Amphibians aisle of PetSmart in North in their pimpd out cups, Katzman is both
Haven, peering down at our new snake undeniably chill and effortlessly beautiful.
friend.
His chillness or chillability seems to
What do you
come directly from his mother, who
look for in a mate? I
is an acupuncturist and an energy
ask the man standing
medicine and herb specialist.
next to me.
Every morning, Katzman takes a
most beautiful
My go-to pillow
bunch of weird vitamins including
talk is a rant against
oil of oregano and crushed (nonFURRY FRIEND
capitalism, replies
psychedelic) mushrooms. When he
Jared Katzman (BR 16). If they can pass gets sick, Katzman turns to herbal remedies
that test, thats a good sign.
rather than going to see a doctor.
Katzman, I realize, is remarkably similar
But if theres one animal in PetSmart
to the Fancy Corn Snake. Beyond having that Katzman really resonates with, its the
unique courtship practices, Katzman, like kittens. In fact, Rumpus was barely even
the Fancy Corn Snake, is fancy; his 21st able to tell them apart. Capable of complex
birthday party began with a Wine & Cheese relationships and caring kinship, both
Hour featuring Sunset Blush Franzia and kittens and Katzman are clever, social, and
Land-o-Lakes cheddar.
sleepy much of the time. But, at the end
The Fancy Corn Snake does not wear of the day, despite all the cool shit they are
clothes. Katzman also does not wear clothes capable of, all you really want to do is watch
sometimes, primarily while showering, them lap up milk, nuzzle a ball of yarn, and
having sex, or at naked parties, which he hunch their backs up when you pet them.
often helps throw.
If theres one thing that weve learned
But, believe it or not, the Fancy Corn from watching Planet Earth stoned, its
Snake is not the only furry friend in PetSmart that the animal kingdom can get violent,
that Katzman can relate to. As we observe the especially when its hungry. But when
Zebra Finch preening its dazzling feathers, Katzman got ravenous as we sat waiting
Katzman gives me the low-down on his own for our food at the Olive Garden next to
grooming practices. I shower every day, he PetSmart, he refrained from predatory rage

most beautiful

DADDY
Advocacy Chair for the
Yale Undergraduate Prison
Project. Unrelatedly, if he
could describe himself as an
animal, it would be a bear,
the perfect combination
between lazy and low-key.
One of his biggest fears
is being chased by a bear
while he bikes through the
forest, which happened in a
Youtube video he watched
once. Rumpus realized that
THIS GUY IS HIS OWN
GREATEST FEAR, but we
didnt have time to ponder
exactly what it all means.
We were too busy dreaming

about being bears in love

with Korinayo, whose other
biggest fear is hell being
real. Is that too real for
Rumpus? he asked. No;
its all very existential and
were into it. Heaven is real.
Korinayos
perfect
date would be exploring
somewhere interesting and
unknown, like a bog. This is
amazing news, as Rumpus
can think of nothing better
than chatting about the
inevitability of death whilst
heavy-petting in a bog. One
unknown, unvisited place
Korinayo thinks would be
great for this brand of date
is the Trumbull courtyard,
which he discovered by
exploring. Korinayo used
to think Trumbull was the
most unremarkable place at
Yale, but he has since realized
it is low-key beautiful.
Does he think that about us?
The man is single, and
his ideal romantic partner
is chill. Dammit! If
you are trying to seduce
Korinayo, avoid screaming
in inappropriate situations;
this is a pet peeve of his.

He also hates inappropriate

touching in social spaces, like
cheek-pinching.
Rumpus
is happy to report that we
did not do this, if only
because we feared touching
him would awaken us
from this sad but beautiful
dream. Besides
getting
onto 50 Most, Korinayos
greatest achievement is
getting 151 stars in Super
Mario 64 without cheating.
We hope that one day he
may teach these superior
values to the illustrious
brood of children Rumpus
hopes to rear with him.
Out of prepared questions
but desperate for more time
with Korinayo, we begged,
Tell us a fun fact! and
Korinayo stopped, lost in
thought for a moment. One
human being can fit into
the blood vessel of a blue
whale, he offered. Perhaps
Rumpus could crawl through
a whale together with him,
we thought, looking down
and awaybut when we
looked up, he was gone,
just as quickly as we came.
ALEX SAIONTZ

JARED
KATZMAN

Photo by Adam Sokol

and channeled his inner chill. Thats the best
thing about Katzman. At once a Fancy Corn
Snake, Zebra Finch, Beta Fish, and kitten,
he knows exactly when to let his wild side
out and when to reel it in. That evening at
Olive Garden, Katzman opened my eyes to

what matters most in this feral world. I shed

a single tear as Katzman marked his territory
by pissing in the Olive Garden parking lot
before setting off, galloping, into the wild,
godless yonder.
ADAM SOKOL

10

RUMPUS

yalerumpus.com

Imagine yourself driving your know about Rosas romantic life?

daddys 73 Pontiac Catalina Surprisingly, when prompted by
convertible, your ass sticking to the Rumpus, she raved of its parallels to
faux-leather interior in the California former GOP contender Randall Paul,
heat. Your heart beats fast as you primarily in the sense that no one
sneak a glance at the large Latino cares.
man
riding
You can find her 300-some
shotgun. That
closest admirers flocking around
man is Paco,
her in a sweaty mass every
and impressing
Wednesday night at Toads,
Paco is your
where she raises the temperature
most beautiful Dance***Dance***Dancing the
prereq to the
heart of Rosa
night away. Has she managed
FUN NUN to impress you yet? If not, keep
Vargas
(TD
18).
The
in mind that she does that shit
beauty of Sunset Drive pales in sober. When Rumpus asked this incomparison to the beauty of Pacos inebriated Toads Queen for some
daughter, Rosa.
hot tips on surviving the dance
Rosa is many things: daughter floor without an alcoholic crutch
of a Congressman from California, with which to beat away the horrors
international volunteer, chocolate within, she recommended traveling
enthusiast, and self-proclaimed with a Toads buddy. She also
Official Co-Buttmaster of the TD cited her intimate knowledge of air
buttery. But Butt Rosa will often conditioner placement as a way to
fail to tell you many thingsthings keep her flaming-hot Butt(master)
that Rumpus has exposed now for cool.
your reading pleasure. What do you
If youd like to take Rosa on her

ROSA
VARGAS

It didnt take long after

Rumpus sat down on top of
with Brandon Sherrod (PC
16) to realize that its not
just his towering stature that
makes him larger than life
he is 66. Born and raised
in Bridgeport, CT, Sherrod
told Rumpus, I have a lot
of friends that didnt go to
college, and some who had
kids and arent able to have
the opportunities Im having,
so Im really counting my
blessings coming to a place
like Yale. His humility

and respect for where he

came from were some of
our biggest takeaways from
our time with Brandon
along with a jawline
that could cut through
the doors to Commons
(#StopSchwarzman2016)
and a voice that could melt
even the coldest Yale Corp
members heart.
We couldnt wait
to get to the good stuff.
Luckily, Sherrod was more
than eager to tell Rumpus
about life as a Whiffenpoof,

ideal date, bear in mind that its

a valued tradition in the Vargas
family to first take her father for a
night on the town. Rumpus didnt
seize the opportunity to prod for
Pacos interests, but you can never
go wrong with something a little
classy. Niagara Falls, live jazz, duck
lorange over a fine ros, and the
roller disco are probably all safe bets
when youre with Paco. Just be sure
that at the nights end, you dutifully
escort Paco to the front door like a
proper gentleman.
As for Rosas night out, this
chocolate enthusiast expressed
interest in being taken to the
Candy Shop, so a sweet-tooth is
required. White, dark, and milk are
all welcome. Should you still not
be sold on her charms, it is worth
noting that her arms are double
jointed and she can name every
country, as of 2001, and is always
sure to squeeze in Djibouti. Djibooty. Buttmaster, indeed.
HENRY LOUGHLIN

and we were equally eager

to stare longingly into the
depths of his soul listen.
Brandon had only one word
to describe his year touring
with the Whiffs: unreal.
In a single summer, this God
among Men traveled to 26
countries on every continent
other than Antarctica. Some
of Sherrods highlights
include Machu Picchu, the
Galapagos and watching the
sunrise over the Angkor Wat
temple in Cambodia (and if
you can win his heart, maybe

Photo by Katharine Wang

hell get to watch the sunrise

over DAT ASS). But really,
we didnt expect anything
less from a Whiff. What
Rumpus really wanted was
the gory deets, which didnt
really take any coaxing at
all because Brandons just
that chill of a guy. Sherrods
trip to South America may
or may not have involved
infused Ecuadorian Dubra,
a Jenga-induced naked lap
and a run-in with the
Galapagos policeall for
which evidence resides
in
an
unnamed
Photo by Sarah Holder and Magda Zielonka
W h i f f s
s a v e d
Snapchats
(add
@
brod35).
@brod35
was
eager
to share one
last
Whiff
story
with
Rumpus.
In a South
Korean bar,
Sherrod
pretended
to be Andre
Iguodoala,
scored some
free Ciroc,
and
met
Diplo, whos
apparently
more jacked

than we thought he was.

Now that Sherrod is back
and #ballin at Yale, what
does a girl have to do to get
with this super-senior whos
seen it all, done it all, and
undoubtedly stolen yo girl?
Sherrod says hes looking
for a girl whos beautiful
inside and out, and looks
good in sweatpants: A girl
whos confident. I think
thats a very undervalued

(the HGS rooftop is pretty

big youll be fine). Sherrod
said religion has played a
huge role in his life, and
that his faith has only gotten
stronger since hes been at
Yale.
On a serious note,
Brandon Sherrod is one
hell of a guy. He just set the
record for most consecutive
field goals (wtf I thought this
was basketball) in NCAA
history and is looking
to set another onefor
consecutively
sliding
into yo DMs. Not only
does he sing, he can also
most beautiful play the drums, piano
SHORTS and sax. Family is a huge
part of his life and he has
characteristic. But also three sisters, one of whom
someone whos down to just was on American Idol. After
[Netflix and] chill. An ideal graduation, Brandon told
date with Bridgeports bona Rumpus he plans to put his
fide might involve dinner at polysci degree to good use
Miyas Sushi (he knows the and run for political office in
owner) followed by Sherrod his hometown, where hell
taking you up to a roof to work towards fixing many
just vibe there. He might of the inequalities that exist
even sing to you, too. We in his community. To close,
can only assume that vibe Rumpus asked Sherrod
is a euphemism for take what makes him unique.
our pants off and copulate. His response: I think Im a
While Rumpus certainly pretty regular dude that just
isnt used to being sung to happens to sing and play
before doing the nasty on basketball. But honestly this
the HGS rooftop, were all dude was so humble we just
for finding out exactly what couldnt even. Godspeed,
dat mouf do. Just make sure Brandon.
to leave some room for Jesus
NICK ADEYI

BRANDON
SHERROD

APRIL 2016

yalerumpus.com
My most embarrassing
moment at Yale? he asks,
as a slight smirk crosses his
smoldering face. That ones
easy.
The first time Brandon
Ortiz (MC 18) attended

showcase his extraordinary

prowessphysical
and
otherwise, but mostly in
settings that allow him to
take his shirt off. A chemical
engineering major, Brandon
splits his time outside the lab
between volunteering
with Dwight Hall,
playing on the Mens
Club Volleyball team,
and serving as a Morse
College IM secretary.
He was in the Yale
Precision
Marching
Band for a month but then
stopped because it wasnt
fun. At this point in the
interview, Rumpus sighed
and nodded knowingly.
Brandon Ortiz isnt
exactly bashful about his
good looks. When asked
what his most beautiful
feature is, Brandon quickly
replied, my bod. During
his senior year of high
school, a time when Rumpus
was busy getting busted for
hacking into and replacing
our classmates yearbook
quotes
with
Whitney
Houston lyrics, Brandon was
reinventing his previously
nerdy persona to become a
token hottiegoing to the
gym regularly and obtaining
contact lenses, new clothes,
and a new lil head of nicely
coiffed hair.
Its a bit of a shame, then,

11

Photo by Aaron Berman

BRANDON
ORTIZ
most beautiful

LIL HEAD
a Yale party as a brighteyed,
but-still-hot-faced
freshman, he decided he had
mustered enough courage to
proposition a cute freshman
girl he had been crushing on
for some time.
Hey, you tryna duck?
the text read. Panicked,
Brandon
immediately
followed that text with,
Sorry, autocorrect, do you
want to hang out some time.
A man after Rumpus own
heart, for sure, but the object
of his fancy unfortunately
didnt respond to his texts
for over three months.
He claims that they are
now friends, thoughand
who at Yale could ask for
anything other than deeply
internalized shame masked
by social pretense?
On campus, Brandon
exerts himself in ways that

Photo by Robbie Short

that Brandon doesnt often

grace the ~scene~ with his
dashing lookswhen asked
about his typical weekend
go-to spot, he responded
umm,
maybe
Fence,
which is essentially code for
briefly debating putting
on something other than
sweatpants, then deciding
to get a GHeav sandwich

How wild it was, to let

it be, writes Cheryl Strayed
of her jaunt in the Pacific
Northwest. But these words
from Wild could just as easily
be Austen James (SM 17)
mantra, a Seattle native herself.
On a blustery winters day,
Rumpus met with this chilledout Washingtonian in the
back corner of a Starbucks to
chat over a pomegranate green
tea smoothie (hers) and coffee
vodka (ours). But Austen is
quick to dispel at least a few
of the PNW stereotypes. She
assures Rumpus that she isnt
a vegetarian and doesnt go
to the gym. What does she
do with her time? Im just,
like, really happy being a
homebody. Extracurriculars?
Mm, dont do much, she
says demurely, though she
later reveals that she does
leave her room occasionally
to perform her duties as the

and call it a night. Honestly,

Brandon says, a typical
Saturday night will simply
entail chilling with his
suitemates and watching
either Spongebob or Always
Sunny in Philadelphia. He
asked Rumpus to include
an obligatory shout-out to
E.V.I.L.so, well, okay.
Another notable Brandon

shout-out is Physics 181

instructor and fellow hottiein-STEM Zosia Krusberg,
who Brandon claims looks
like she could be a senior
in college, but shes like
35 or something, which
is surprising. Rumpus
told Brandon we would
definitely consider Professor
Krusberg for our 50 Most

official Silliman condom fairy. Shes never been to Woads and

When she makes it out beyond her roof game is not as good
her college gates, she professes as it should be, although
to frequent the boring she did meet her current
hangouts, like
girlfriend
at
Blue State and
12-pack which
Sterling.
she
admits
Bear in mind,
is not very
though: Sterling
underground.
isnt just for
Austen can
most beautiful
studying.
say what she
BIG CHILL likes, one look at
According
to
Austen, getting
her and Rumpus
steamy in the stacks may be a knew she was so underground
time-honored college classic she probably had never been
but hooking up in a reading to Seattles finest coffee chain
room is really where its at. until this moment. As far as
Its very pleasant, she notes, appearances, she favors chill
high risk, high reward impulsivity. See: her bleachedlike a hedge fund. Take note, blonde hair and the slug tattoo
Rumpus readers, the wild on her arm, which she got
Rumpus could be anywhere last summer on a Brooklyn
from the Andrews Reading whim. I think its my most
Room to the American Studies attractive feature, she says,
Reading Room! Where hook- just a fun little friend on
up spots are concerned, James my arm. In general, though,
is about as alt as they come. Austen describes her ideal

AUSTEN
JAMES

2017 shortlist, upon which

Brandon interjected, oh,
shes also really smart too.
To close out our interview,
Rumpus asked Brandon if
there was anything difficult
about being so devastatingly
good-looking, to which
he replied, No, its pretty
much the bomb.
AARON BERMAN
style as like dyke but also like
hip, thought she usually just
wears a couple of really soft
t-shirts. Whatever the case,
Rumpus would like to meet up
in a reading room.
In life, as with her
appearance, Austen is prone
to taking things as they come.
I wouldnt say Im fraught
in general, she notes. She
prefers relaxed substances, or
whatevers handed to me, and
describes her relationship with
her high school boyfriend as
fine, and then it was over.
She oozes so much cool that
Rumpus got chillsor maybe
the coffee was getting cold.
Regardless, Austens attitude
is one we admire given its
scarcity on campus. Thanks
for letting us slip some vodka
in your green tea smoothie.
Stay wild, Austen, and let it
be.
EVE SNEIDER

12

RUMPUS

yalerumpus.com
Rumpus met the lady in our Thankfully now shes a diverse
bedroom. For it had snowed, the dresser. One day she cut off all of
sky was full of gloom. The kind her brown hair, ironically, for kids
Isabella (SY17) came to our side, who had cancer. She soon found
out she loved to be
and shared
in plays. In school,
with
us
theaters where she
a
story
spent her days. At
worth your
Yale she continues
time. Now
most beautiful her
tradition,
if you are
of
killing
every
not faint
IAMBIC LADY
single
audition.
of
heart
or mind, read on to understand a Her rsum, more expansive than
girl so kind. She dressed thrice as most, would put Rumpus in a deep
Shakespeare for Halloween; thus, comatose.
Speaking of which, its time
through his meter her life shall be
we talk about, a heavier topic do
seen (sort of).
New York City brought up not freak out! She has not lived a
the sweet young girl. This story normal college life. A cancerous
will for sure make your hair curl: invader gave her strife. She spent
she fell between the train and half of a year away from Yale. But
the platformin Times Square luckily, survived to tell the tale.
subway, could have been deformed. She has advice for those who go
Her father did not even notice through hell: surround yourself
this. A bald stranger did save the with those who make you well. By
little miss. As a young lass she this, she means do not dwell on the
was quite abnormal, she wore pain; instead you smile and make
the same clothing each day to it all a game. Its clear her sense of
schoolsneakers bearing the name humor saved her life, without it
of New Balance, accompanied by sadness stabbed her like a knife. She
brown corduroy pants. On top, she realized from this terrible ordeal,
would wear a Christmas sweater. that laughter does have the power

ISABELLA
GIOVANNINI

Photo by John Chirikjian

Brodie Grimwolf attracts attention

wherever she goes. Her soulful brown eyes
and luscious hair are irresistible; women and
young girls swoon at the sight of her majesty.
Unfortunately, Brodie is also a dog, and, as
we had to clarify after last years Facebook
competition, Yales 50 Most Beautiful is
reserved for people onlyfuck off, Sasha
Pup. As such, we had to settle for Brodies
owner, Ryan Pearson (BK 17).
My dog is definitely my most
beautiful feature, Pearson agrees. If there
was a way for me to take her last name, I
would.

Photo by Robbie Short

Fortunately for him, and us, hes an

admirable second-place. With a steely gaze
and muscular build, Pearson looks like hes
seen some shit. And indeed he has.
Pearson was in the Navy for twelve
years, and was deployed in Afghanistan and
the Middle East as an Explosive Ordnance
Disposal technician, meaning he defused
bombs. His life was basically an ungodly
combination of The Hurt Locker, Saving
Private Ryan, and Shaving Ryans Privates.
Hurt Locker is total fiction. Duly
noted! Reality, Pearson says, is not what
people say it is.

to heal. And so, the lady went forth

with the goal, to follow in the path
of her idol. Whos that, you ask?
Why its Ms. Tina Fey. Isabella will
write TV someday. Until then, she
directs a funny group, of funny
people in an improv troupe. Its the
Viola Question, so you know. She
hopes to see you at their next big
show. VQ has been everything to
me heremy family and my cult,
she says with cheer. I can take any
problem or joy to You guessed
it! Its her friends in the VQ.
If you would like to date this
fine young gal, you must be tall and
muscled pretty well. For her, a man
should be a funny one. He should
think Isabellas lots of fun. On dates,
take her to a surprising place, like
to a roof with expansive airspace.
Shes quite excited to be 50 Most.
Before this of her looks she did not
boast. But here at Rumpus we think
that she is, the hottest woman in all
Yales show biz. To her we say Dear
sweet Isabella: you would be a prize
for any fella. And if you do not find
one worth your time, dear lovely
lady will you please be mine?
CHASE AMMON

A common military truism is that whos an adrenaline junkie like me and wants
war is 99% boredom, and 1% terror. In to take risks. All admirable qualities, and all
reality, its like 90% boredom, 1% terror, and found in his current girlfriend (sorry ladies,
9% INSANELY awesome. Apparently, the hes takenand shes definitely way cooler
word insanely doesnt begin to do it justice. than you).
When they arent trying
Speaking of tattoos,
to not get killed, soldiers
Pearson has a battalion of
throw a lot of parties in the
them. Hes been acquiring
warzone; Pearson described
tattoos since high school,
it as pure rock and roll.
where he got a homemade
most beautiful one at a party; now he has
Makes your crazy night at
SigEp look pretty blas.
TATTOOD MAN dozens all across his body.
Why did Pearson
If you care to see them, he
choose to join the military right out of high frequents Payne Whitney (apparently a
school?
prerequisite for male 50 Mosters). Colorful
Im an adrenaline and extremely well-done, they are the
junkie, and I wanted definition of Body Art. Pearson is pretty
to get away from tolerant of most peoples tattoos, even shitty
home. Ive found ones, but he does have one pet peeve.
that
near-death
Its odd to see kids that are going for the
experiences make me I have a lot of tattoos look without actually
feel more alive than having a lot of tattoos. Like, when someone
anything else. I cant only has them on their neck and hands, but
get enough, he said. then few or none anywhere elseit looks
So. Fucking. Cool.
like youre posing. Do better, kids.
So what does it
In contrast, Pearson has no tattoos on his
take for a girl to get neck, face, or hands. But he has plans for that
with a guy like Ryan? to change.
Hes really into what
When my girlfriend and I are
most would consider independently wealthy enough to not care
the typical Yale girl.
about what people think of us, were going
I
like
girls to get the rest of the tattoos we want. Our
who
are
edgy retirement plan is simply Jetpacks and Neck
tattoos,
converses, Tattoos. Thats a life almost as beautiful as
interesting hair. More his dog.
importantly, someone
MARY KATE DILWORTH

RYAN
PEARSON

APRIL 2016

yalerumpus.com

13

Photo by Katharine Wang

You walk into a crowded Theta, but it isnt. Cause she

room. People are dancing, never did meet you its her
drinking
and
sloppily *~~~twin~~~*.
engaging in DFMOs (dance
Soraya and Gelle Conille
floor makeouts, noob). (PC & JE, respectively, 18)
Suddenly, you see her. She are on the receiving end of this
has gorgeous
situation
skin, piercing
q u i t e
brown eyes
frequently,
and the most
and, if you
luscious set
think about
of lips youve
it, the whole
ever
seen.
thing makes
Once youve
sense
emptied the
theyre truly
most beautiful
contents
of
fucking
your
solo
hot.
But
TWINS
cup,
you
it doesnt
finally have
shock them
courage to talk to her. It when people get confused,
goes well; youre laughing. because it happens all the
But suddenly, you sneeze. time. Once people figure out
When you look back up, that theyre twins, they say,
shes gone, disappeared into theyre typically even more
the crowd. Disappointed, interested than they were
you wander around the room before. Unfortunately, Soraya
searching for her, your lost and Gelle Conille told
love. You spot her again. She Rumpus theyre not looking
has gorgeous skin, piercing to fulfill twin fantasies. We
brown eyes and the most dont blame you for dreaming
luscious set of lips youve ever about it though. And youre
seen. You approach her and not alone. The twins told us
pick up where you left off, but theyre often asked if theyd
she acts like shes never met be down for this kind of
you. It seems rude and very arrangement.

GAELLE &
SORAYA
CONILLE

While being resident

campus beauties occupies
much of their time, Soraya
and Gelle are busy doing
other things on campus as
well. They are both involved
in Greek lifeGelle hit
it first, rushing Theta as a
freshman. Soraya says she
rushed Alpha Phi because
she noticed how much
fun Gelle was having
(Rush Rumpus!). Both
simultaneously enjoy very
active social lives, indulging
in the occasional crazynight-out. Gelle recounted
having to be c a r r i e d out
of the basketball house one
nightembarrassing! But
Rumpus thinks she can just
say it was Soraya.
If youre wondering the
~status~ of these ladies,
weve got good news. Both
informed
Rumpus
that
they are single and ready to
mingleGelle going so
far as to say that she hopes
suitors come forward after
this interview. So come the
fuck forward! Two-by-two.
VIVIANA ANDAZOLA
MARQUEZ

14

RUMPUS

Makana
Williams
(PC 18) wants to be an
orthodontist. We cant say
we understand this, but its
an important thing to know
about her. This dream was
inspired by her brothers

orthodontist,
whose
alternative business model
involves taking patients to
the movies to get to know
them. Makana is down but
Rumpus thinks this could
turn braces into pedophilic

yalerumpus.com
embraces.
Makana was born and
raised in Hawaii, where
the boys are tanner and
hotter than they are here.
She manages and sings in a
Chinese a cappella group and

Photo by Katharine Wang

Rob Proner (BR 19) is a another bubble, and theres not
man of many talents. He speaks much overlap, Rob explains.
six languages, is an adventurous And then theres the things Ive
eaterdonkey pastaexcels at done bubble, which transcends
both land and water sports, has the two of them.
invented a slew of dope drinking
But enough STEM
games, and literally cured a speak. Rob, who uses words
disease.
like basic and hot mess to
The
self-described describe himself, is a man of
Italian-Jewish pizza-bagel is very fine tastes. When asked to
a New Yorker born and raised, expound upon his Eurotrash
prospective MCDB major, and aesthetic, he added that he
future sports injury doctor. was wearing only one article of
Word on the
clothing at that
street is he
moment that he
already knows
hadnt purchased
quite a bit
on one of his
about the male
annual trips to
most beautiful
anatomyask
Italy.
him about his
Although
PIZZA BAGEL
Bulldog Days
Italian
was
hookup in a secret somewhere in technically his first language,
Morse with a mysterious now- Rob speaks English perfectly
alumnus. Seriously, ask him. with the exception of one word.
Also, while youre at it, ask him Due to his moms heavy accent,
about his keys to success for sex he grew up never being able to
bingo and his naked adventures pronounce the word relevant
on the Ski Team trip, because he and still always fucks it up. But
started profusely sweating when thats not really, how do you say,
we tried to write them here.
relevant, especially because he
On a Venn diagram, can probably out-curse an Italian
these kinds of funny things are sailor. He taught Rumpus some
in one bubble, things that are really snappy phrases involving
appropriate to talk about are in micropenises that are allegedly

ROB
PRONER

dances in Yales Polynesian

dance group, Shaka. If you
go to one of their shows,
you can watch her shake her
stuff. Her grandmother
is from China, and the
magical stories of her
youth convinced
Makana to spend
her junior year
of high school
living in Beijing.
I had been
wanting to leave
the island for a
little bit and had
never left except
for traveling a
couple of weeks at
a time, Makana
said. Its probably
one of the hardest
things I have
ever done and
probably will ever
do because I was
so young at the
time, and I lived
with a host family
and had to adapt
to their culture.
Makana clearly
learned to be
courageous and

super offensive in Naples.

Robs love of language
explains his reputation as a hot
polyglot. He speaks English,
Italian,
Spanish,
French,
German, and is currently
taking Hebrew in hopes of
reconnecting with his Jewish
roots. As we talked, he showed
me his iPhone, which is on
Hebrew settings and is covered
with a Barilla pasta case that
he got for free at Pasta Day in
Commons.
Robs smoothness has
earned him a lot of street cred.
My mom thinks Im really
cool, he stated on the record.
This Halloween, he dressed
as Sexy Cat in the Hat and
managed to speak in rhymes all
night, although he gives credit
where credit is due and says he
couldnt have done it without
alcohol.
This kid is so hot that
he literally set his suite on fire,
accidentally at a party in the fall.
And although Rob eventually
managed to put out the flames
rising from his broken shot
glass candles, his flame will
never go out.
RACHEL TREISMAN

independent at a young age.

The point were trying to
make here is that you should
date her. She just so happens

MAKANA
WILLIAMS
most beautiful

SINGLE PRINGLE
to be single.
Single pringle, Makana
corrected us before giving us
this important message to
pass onto the men of Yale on
her behalf: Dont be a dick.
Dont be mean. Dont be
arrogant. Just be nice.
We also have a message of
our own that we would like to
pass onto those guys looking
to impress her: considering
the circumstances of her first
date, it looks like you have
big shoes to fill.
When I studied abroad
in Beijing, I was with this
guy and we went to Olympic
Park, Makana said. We
just sat there talking and
the backdrop was the Birds

Photo by Robbie Short

Nest.
Thats
definitely
memorable.
But dont let this
information discourage you.
We made sure to get some
helpful tips from Makana
regarding her ideal New
Haven date locations.
Florian, a restaurant on
Chapel, is so cute. Or Prime
16, Makana said. It would
have to involve food, but it
doesnt have to be anything
fancy.
Makana also enjoys
romantic evening strolls
through twinkling city
lights. Seriously, guys, shes
trying to make this easy for
you. Rumpus thinks this is
extremely generous of her,
considering the reality of her
college dating experience
thus far.
At Yale, I would
unfortunately have to say
theres been nothing that
stands out to me, she said.
Come on, guys! Someone
take this girl to Florian or
well take her to the Taj
Mahal and ruin it for all of
you.
JENNA SELATI

APRIL 2016

yalerumpus.com
Photo by Emma Hammarlund

at us...but as the protector of the

night, should we have expected
any less? The Russians definitely
knew I was Batman, he deduces,
retrospectively.
And just who IS Batman?
Batmanlai Ontogtokh (SY 18)
lives in the suburbs of the
Saybrook 12-Pack, which
is great for all the fun but
none of the consequences.
Except we share a
bathroom. Batman loves
Saybrook for its sick gym
and high count of former
50 Mosters. Batman
hails from Chicago, but gets quiet
at every mention of the windy city
from Rumpus. Its not easy to
describe. I dont know. Ask Kanye.
Like Homecoming. He quickly
changes the topic to Paddle, a Sigma
Nu game that gets you fucked up,
but slowly, and is NOT ping-pong
despite Rumpus previous misconceptions.
He and his PaddlePartner are undefeated this
season and intend to remain as such. Batman
likes soccer, but his true love is FIFA.
Batmans humility is endearing, and
we respect that he knows what he wants
and what makes him happy (paddle, Fifa,
working out). His favorite thing about
himself is his love of Justin Bieber (that was
an easy question). Always wanting more,

Rumpus demanded access to the deepest

caves of Batmans extraordinary mind. We
present A Stream of Consciousness, by
Batmanlai Ontogtokh:
I love improving myself. Physically in
the gym. Monday Wednesday Thursday, legs
tris and chest. Tuesday. Thursday, shoulders
back.
A
little cardio
on
the
weekend.
Abs. Being
most beautiful
r e a l l y
controlled
ASS TATTOO
a b o u t
eating.
Counting carbs. Counting macros. So you
could count the grams of protein carbs and
fat you eat every day. Keep a certain ratio.
Playing around with it.
Afterwards he may or may not have
shown us the bigger than average batman
tattoo on his ass. Out of respect for Batmans
privacy, Rumpus wont reveal whether or not
we saw the tattoo. But we did and it was sick.
Unfortunately for everybody, Batman
is taken; he has a girlfriend named Claire.
When asked about Claire, he says, uh...her
hobby is making faceswaps of her friends on
photoshop. Thats a one blurb kind of thing.
Anything else?
Thats all I can tell you.
And we never saw Batman again.
EUGENIA ZHUKOVSKY

BATMANLAI
ONTOGTOKH

With a name like Batman, one has to

wonder how a kid can handle the notoriety. It
IS kind of an ice-breaker, he says smoothly.
But Batman is used to this kind of reaction to
his stunning looks (and ethnicity): this Econ
and Russian and Eastern European Studies
double major spent his summer in St.
Petersburg, where he was the only Asian.
Beautiful Russian women everywhere
turning to stare at you doesnt sound so bad,
but it wasnt in a friendly way. No. Not at all.
I, Annie Nelson, am one
of Yales hottest people
oh my god Im just kidding.
Im going to get so much
shit for this, Rumpus
pretends to cross out notes
as this big city specimen
retracts her bold whisper
over lukewarm black tea
at Chaps. Like a bro, she
takes her tea with literally

The thing about Russian people is that they

dont give a fuck. They just look back at you
and wait until you look away. Theyre always
looking at you. All the time...its stressful.
But I got used to it. I liked the attention...
not really. It got scary. Nonetheless, he
claims this unnerving summer experience
boosted his confidence, until he came back
to New Haven where he promptly reverted
back to avoiding all eye contact. Rumpus
diiiiiid notice Batman never looked directly

like her piercings.

This beautiful sophomore
with a full course load is
from New York City, the City
of Dreams and No Sleeping.
Tha city? Rumpus asks.
Haha. Manhattan, Nelson
corrects, gracefully. She
even self-identifies as a blas
jew: Seinfeld and bagels
and parties at AEPi. Annie
tells that we are not
Jewish even though we
may participate in these
activities, too. But since
her time at Fieldston,
most beautiful Annie
has
joined
way
too
many
fratty
BRO
organizations at Yale, by
nothing. Maybe a splash of her own standards. Beyond
milk. Rumpus suggest that her
bursting
academic
Annie Nelson (MC 18) schedule, Nelson is very
milk her 50 Most status, socially committed.
but she does not have the
During a brief but
time to entertain our idiotic thorough
investigation,
pep talk considering her I discovered that Nelson
enrollment in five classes, classifies Fence Club, the
presumably all of them in Ski Team, DRAMAT, and
American Studies. Shes not her roommates alternately as
exhausted, per se, its just sick or dope. Its gonna
a lot. Her stress couldnt give off the impression
show less. In fact, Nelson that Im really fratty and
has cool piercings and drink a lot but actually I
normal parents who dont just got roped into these

ANNIE
NELSON

organizations; Im a normal
person. Anyway, her drink
of choice is Pinot Grigio,
which Fence continually
refuses to serve in lieu of duct
taped forties. Annie may not
self-identify as a bro, but
her literal brother is now
her literal bro across several
different extracurriculars.
Her dad was even captain
of the Silliman Intramural
Drinking Team in the 80s.
This year, the Ski Team went
to the Middlebury Bowl; it
was dope.
The rest was a blur:
Shouldnt you be in fence?
All your friends are; Rush,
rush, you should rush; Are
you saying you dont want to
meet new people? You just
have to go to two parties and
one rush event or one party
and two rush events; You
would totally get in! The
junior year needs girls
and you have ins; Are you
more antiestablishment than
Eugenia Zhukovsky?
After paying our dues
for Fence, Rumpus asked
Annie to describe her Yale
experience in one word

15

and she offered four:

Comingintomy
weirdness. In high school,
Nelson tried to pretend
she wasnt an awkward
person, but she says she
has since embraced it, and
people seem to enjoy it. I
just think a lot of things
are really adorable and
then I scream at them. And
also, I ask reaaallllly loud
questions, I leaned in to
make out the hushed tones
of Annies secrets.
In the future, this
radiant fratstar hopes to
one day be a social worker
or a clinical psychologist.
Preferably both. Im really
not that fratty. Another
dream is to be taken out
for a date where she gets
to blaze and go bowling or
painting.
Sure, Im going to
drink and smoke when Im
older but Im not going to
be doing fucking Edward
Forty Hands.
ALICIA LOVELACE
Photo by Adam Sokol

16

RUMPUS

yalerumpus.com

Photo by Alicia Lovelace

Sabrosura fills a particular niche
in the Yale dance community.
Infused with Latin music and
dance, graced with curves on
voluptuous
bodies,
and
spiritually
connected
to
Latinidad,
this
group
is more than just a dance team.
Theyre a family. If you are ever
trying to bless yourself with their
effortlessly sexy body rolls, they
do have a show each semester and
will occasionally perform at other
showcases. Informally, though,

they unleash body rolls at parties,

libraries, and family gatherings.
Freshman screw was insane. We
met up and literally set up chairs
for lap dances
in the corner
of Commons.
most beautiful
We threw in
CULOS a few twerk
trains, too,
Arizona Greene, co-President
along with Miguel Paredes, shared.
When asked if they were
surprised about their selection for
50 Most, reactions varied. Some
had seen it coming: have you seen
us? Some were humbled. Fabian

SABROSURA

Fernandez, though, had more of an

emotional reaction to the big news.
Im surprised, but not surprised.
Sabrosura has traditionally been
the underdog of dance teams, but
not this year.
While Rumpus suspects that
the ability to work in unison
is pretty crucial for any dance
group, Sabrosura goes above
and beyond. They literally have
synchronized twerking. We cant
fathom how much practice it takes
before one has total control over
the momentum fluxes of their
asscheeks. But we like imagining it.
Rumpus got the low-down on

some more of Sabrosuras picks.

Read on.
Favorite team activity: Sabro
Partiesvenmo Sam Garcia $5 if
youre tryna come through.
Team animal: Sex panther.
Team sex position: Definitely
the wheelbarrow. Demonstration
was provided.
Team song: La vida es un
carnaval. Rumpus notes that this
was not the consensus.
Given the sexy nature of their
dance style, Rumpus wanted to
hear if there was a lot of pent-up
incestual sexual tension within
Sabrosura. Sabro is into each

other for sure, in the dance kind of

way. Hmmm. Tell us more. One
exasperated member proclaimed,
yo we need MORE DICK [in the
group]. Men, please try out. If you
want to check out Sabrosura this
semester, they have a show coming
up in late April. You better act as
soon as tickets go on sale, though,
because synchronized twerking
sells out.
VIVIANA ANDAZOLA
MARQUEZ

APRIL 2016

yalerumpus.com

17

Photo by Adam Sokol

They say that you can
tell a lot from how a person
takes five steps. Rumpus
doesnt know who they
is, or whether theres any
truth to that statement, but
it seems plausible, so well
buy it. After all, look at
Rhythmic Blue (RB). This
is a group that understands
their bodies, knows how to
talk about them andbest of
allknows how to take five
steps, synchronized! Its no
surprise RB was the winner
of Rumpus hot-button 50
Most Facebook contest,

beating out the likes of crawled out of our dank,

Whim n Rhythm and some dark lair (Welch basement,
sophomore with a nicely roll thru) and hit the road.
chiseled chin. While most Given RBs tendency towards
Yalies are
motion,
sedentary,
and lots
sta gnant,
of it, it
sad, and
should
single, RB
c o m e
is shaking
no
most beautiful as
t h e i r
surprise
bodies! A
MAN TRAP that they
miracle.
rehearse
Rumpus felt this in Watson Hall on Sachem
was a sight we had to see Street. If you have no clue
for ourselves, so on a bleak where that is, fear not;
Sunday
afternoon,
we Rumpus didnt either. The

RHYTHMIC
BLUE

furthest we go is Box 63.

Nonetheless, we set out,
determined to get a glimpse
of
the
self-proclaimed
man trap in action.
The sun was high,
but the path ahead was
long. For the first block or
two, Rumpus felt strong.
But alas, unlike RB, without
our morning rum&coke
Rumpus has a pretty tough
time breaking it down.
There were moments when
we began to fret we wouldnt
make it at all. Each pace
was a greater struggle than

the last. Our legs ached

and our knees knocked
together, weak but desperate
to carry the weight of a
thousand weed brownies
we had just consumed.
Human movement
is a wonder, isnt it? The
way millions of nerve
endings and tendons and
joints all work together to
set one in motion. Walking
up Prospect Street, Rumpus
began to see the world, and
our place in it, through new
eyes. We may not be able
to twerk, to whip or nae

nae, to bump or grind, to

pull off a firemans carry or
even make it through the
hora, but we (and you!) can
walk through the world,
human beings alive and
kicking, figuratively at least.
But of course,
RB can do all of these
things, and then some,
and
thats
cool
too.
EVE SNEIDER

18

RUMPUS

Aakeem
AndradaAllahjah (ES 18) has
fangirls. On his Instagram
(39.4k followers), middle
school girls tag their
friends and shower him
with heart-eye emojis
and adoring comments:
Hes so hot, Just
marry me, and I.
LOVE. YOU. Rumpus
is considering extending
our 50 Most distribution
network to include more
of Connecticuts pre-teen
readership.
What
made
that bitch famous? Two
summers ago, Aakeem
starred in Youtube reality
series Summer Break.
The show documented the
adventures and dramas
of a group of Californian
teens the summer before
they headed off to college.
Even at Yale, the mans
got loyal fans.
A Santa Monica
native who loves surfing,
Vans with socks, and
Sig Nu, Aakeem is
surprisingly chill as he
describes his celebrity
status. When he shows

yalerumpus.com

me. When I find out

who [their favorite] was,
I try to Facetime [their
favorite] so they get to say
hi. Swoon.
Aakeem,
who
says he wants to move
back to California for
most beautiful grad school after Yale,
is hella modest: he
WEB CELEB uses the word hella.
He calls himself not
spends most of the video a big deal mere minutes
doing shirtless flips into after admitting he is often
pools, which is pretty cool. asked to sign autographs.
When I first When asked how hes
got here, Id be at frat managed to stay so cool
parties and stuff and despite hordes of (often
people would recognize virtual) admirers, Aakeem
his
levelme, laughs Aakeem. attributes
Especially at Soads. Lots headedness to the SoCal
of Qpackers. When fans lifestyle. People here have
come up to him, he hugs more of an agenda and
them and take selfieshis arent as laid back. But we
selfie game has improved know its all good, and its
accordingly. I kill the still gonna be 80 degrees
selfie. But I used to make and sunny tomorrow.
When hes not
only one face, he recalls,
adding that he often asks signing autographs, or
the people who approach balancing his perfectly
Instagram
him whos their favorite unbalanced
Summer Break cast ratio, Aakeem can be
member, but not in a found hanging with frat
masturbatory way. I tell bros or his friends in Theta
them not to lie if it wasnt and Pi Phi. This Pi Phi
Rumpus his Summer
Break bio video, he
cringes and chuckles *selfdeprecatingly*. Aakeem

AAKEEM
ALLAHJAH

Photo provided by Sana Mojarrandi

Sweetheart, became
close with sororities
through his sister, an
alumna. They watch
TV thats not even on
YouTube. His favorite
show is The Office
he thoughtfully admits
that while he would
love to say hes Jim,
[he] wouldnt be mad
if [he] were Creed.
Aakeem is no
stranger to celebrity,
and humbly takes his
50 Most nomination in
stride. Its a cool honor,
and all my friends will
probably joke about it,
he says. Before we go,
we ask Aakeem what
he wants his identifier
to be. After thinking
long and hard (ow ow),
he decides on most
pleasant to be around.
Yeah, thats not going
to happen.
RACHEL
TREISMAN

When Rumpus named Sana

Mojarradi (SM 18) one of Yales 50
Most Beautiful People, we sent her
an email asking for an interview, to
which Sana was like, Unfortunately
I cannot promise an interview.
Its like I dont know if you
its like a key part of the process,
Rumpus sputtered loudly, seated at a
corner table beneath a crucifix in Saint
Thomas More. I dont know if like
I want to be clear that it wasnt really
an option. You likeyou have to.
Im actually on a leave of absence,
Sana continued when we gave her the
chance. I had to take one. Im stuck
in Iran, she said, to which Rumpus
responded Wait what, gathering
ourselves to dig deeper, carefully
thoughour only prior experience
with ex-pats being Midnight in
Paris. What do you mean stuck?
Sana had a rough trip to Turkey,
guys. She travelled there with
YIRA over winter break to study
the Syrian refugee crisis and found
herself in a crisis of her own. Having
just returned from the hospital
following a 45-minute bloody nose
(unrelated but important for Sanaand-the -Terrible -Horrible -No Good-Very-Bad-Day context), she
was turned away by customs at the

Photo by John Chirikjian

airport on account of something
weird with her Visa. So now Im
stuck in Iran Sana says, (shed
stopped there on her way home from
Istanbul), and I cant leave until my

(then Tehran) without exit options.

Its an ironic fate for someone
who doesnt get out much. Well,
whats your favorite New Haven
nightlife establishment? Rumpus
asks abruptly, diving for
familiarity warm embrace.
(Sana had quite literally
just broken through some
kind of NATO firewall
to booty call us from an
Islamic theocracy. It was
hot but, like most things
that are hot, also nerve-wracking.)
Box? Rudys? Toads? My
common
room,
Sana
says.
Monday through Friday, Sana
is running policy for the Muslim
Students Association, running laps
for the Womens Rugby team, and
running data for that Math and
Econ major there is only so much
energy to go around. Yeah, theres
a lot going on during the week so I
like to just hang out in my common
room on weekends. Thats where
you can find me, she says, and
laughs as she considers her current
state of (global) affairswhich,
45-minute nosebleed et cetera
considered, may not actually be
that bad. A semester-long weekend.
PATRICK DOOLITTLE

SANA
MOJARRANDI
most beautiful

ARGO
lawyer works the whole thing out.
Rumpus was, frankly, shocked by
this story, and for the first time ever
took a moment to appreciate being
in a constitutional republic with
guaranteed rights to life, liberty, and
the pursuit of happiness and petition
and freedom. So like are you
okay? we asked, concerned. Yeah
Im good. I go for walks and stuff,
Sana says. Turns out Sana is from Iran
originally, which makes the whole
thing slightly less weird, but not that
much less weird. She moved to the
States in sixth grade with her mother,
who wanted to finish her degree
program in America. Sana attended
a private Islamic school in New
Jersey before coming to Yale, where
she joined the YIRA trip to Turkey

APRIL 2016

yalerumpus.com
Rumpus walked into Lia
Weiners (PC 17) Elm Street
haven and were immediately
struck. Sporting a loose
black mini-dress, sheer black
stockings and wet hair, this
bombshell from Tel Aviv
greeted us at the door with
a smile that gave us major
palps.
R: So, Lia, how did you
feel the moment you found
out you had received the
only validation that matters
at Yale?
L: It was really funny,
actually. I remember when
I was in the 9th grade, my
brothers girlfriend told
me that long legs is a
pretty thing, and I was like,
what? I studied in a
gifted class back home and it
was a great, amazing place,
but it was just a bunch of
really, really smart people.
So beauty wasnt really an
emphasis.
R: We love modesty in
our 50-Mosters. Its what we
live for. No, really. We also
understand that you served
in the Israeli army before
Yale-what was that like?

L: So, I was an NCO in a

sensitive Intel unit so I cant
really talk too much about
what I did
R: Oh, shit. So is it like
the NSA-equivalent of
Israel??
L: Unfortunately, I cant
really discuss further

LIA
WEINER

most beautiful

SECRET WAR VET

R: Oh, shit. So you were
in the MOSSAD??? Right??
L: Unfortunately, I cant
really discuss further
R: Oh, SHIT.
L: But anyway, its
two years and thats the
mandatory
service
for
women. For men, its three.
We all start with boot-camp,
and thats basically a month
of crawling in the mud,
being yelled at
R: Is that how you have a
killer body?
L: IUhYeah. But
that was brutal though. I

mean, we carry these M-16s

that, I think, used to belong
to the US in the Vietnam
warso theyre huge and
super heavy and you have
to carry them while being
yelled at, so its likeyeah.
R: So you mean to say,
you can carry us home every
night?
L: No problem.
At this point, Rumpus is
ready to marry Lia. We are.
We know its only our 22nd
birthday this year, and that
Lia is a few years older than
us because of having served
in the Israeli Army, but we
swear were mature. Weve
almost entirely paid off our
massive debt from our 21st
Birthday/50 Most Launch
Party last year and we lost
a pound this week from
our liquid-only diet. Are we
good enough for Lia? And
more importantly, would
she be able to protect us?
R: So have you Karatechopped a fuccboi outside
Toads yet?
L: No, not really! So Im
dating Connor, and we have
an on-going argument about

19

Photo by John Chirikjian

who would win in a fight.
And its hilarious because
hes this huge Rugby player.

I mean, weve wrestled

some, but its still TBD.
I guess that settles it,

then.
SONALI CHAUHAN

Adam Dsa (BR 17) their mother even used to Yale is a fun tradition where extended periods of drinking
might seem like a normal dress them alike. They were rival schools get together to himself, Adam didnt even
junior English major from often mistaken for twins. watch a game of football. make it into the Yale Bowl
Long
Twins can be identical or Many alumni come out this year! Silly Adam.
Island,
fraternal. Adam likes to for the event each year.
His usual night out
but in
look out for his brother, However, there is always starts early and end too
rea l i t y
and when asked what a lot of fun drinking too! early; he thinks that he
he is so
most beautiful advice he would offer to Having always been a fan of was more optimistic and
much
his younger
NORMIE sibling
more.
he
said: Stay
Starting Yale on the pre- h y d r a t e d ,
med track showed Adam and you can
that devoting his studies to never have too
the hard sciences would not many
socks.
be fun. After taking English Hydration is very
115 freshman year he important in the
decided to pursue English! dry months and
The topic of his freshman even in the wet
english class was Judge, Jury, ones! Dry socks
and Executioner. He loved no matter what
the use of Shakespeare and tho!!
film to understand the topic,
A d a m s
and it makes sense that this life is by no
has been his favorite class means all work.
at Yale!! English can be so His
favorite
much fun.
memories
of
Adam is very close with Yale include this
his younger brother, a years Harvardfreshman at Georgetown Yale
game,
University, who is less than during
which
two years younger than some of his high
himself. They are very similar school
friends
Photo by Sarah Holder and Magda Zielonka
in more ways than one, and visited. Harvard-

stayed out later freshman

year. However, now in his
third year of barbarity, he
questions whether he should
stay out as late as he did
during freshman year. His
usual dilemma is as follows:
it is now almost 1 oclock in

the morning should we go

to DKE or just get food and
go home? and the usual
answer is get food and go
home. Classic Adam.
When he does end up
choosing door number one,
he often gets into hijinks
around campus. His
favorite example is
the time that he stole
a bale of hay from the
Saybrook courtyard.
What he didnt know
was that the hay had
a wasps nest in it, and
he spent the next three
days trying to rid his
suite of the wasps.
Adams
dream
vacation
would
obviously
be
an
all inclusive trip to
Cancun with Jessica
Alba (2004 Jessica
Alba, please). His
dream dinner would
start with a cookies
and cream milkshake
followed by a burrito,
and would end with
fried rice. Oh Adam!
JOSH TARPLIN

ADAM
DSA

20

RUMPUS

yalerumpus.com

Rumpus and Raquel that she used to rollerblade

Brau Diaz (CC 18) have in gym class alongside a river
something in common, and with a view to the statue of
its not just that our names liberty. Rumpus believes her,
both start with R. We both though a quick facebook
really love to play Scrabble. photo search of Raquel
Why is Scrabble Raquels informed us that she had
neither
game
of
b e e n
choice? Its
to
the
really social.
Empire
Ive made
S t a t e
so
many
most beautiful
Building
friends
SCRABBLER
n o r
playing
to
the
scrabble. I
also just really enjoy...um... Statue of Liberty despite
the feeling. I can be really having lived in New York her
caught up in my head, whole life. Does she avoid
but also be super present these places on purpose?
and talk to people and be Kind of. I avoid midtown.
normal. We at Rumpus also Like, touristy crowded
feel similarly about Scrabble. areas. Watch out, Yale
We arranged to meet in her this not your average girl.
Raquel has a Puerto
common room to play a
few rounds; Raquel lives in Rican mother and a German
Calhoun, and actually really father, and she grew up
loves her residential college. speaking both Spanish and
Everyone, in her own words, German (how hot is that?).
is super chill. They can all Clad head to toe in Adidas
play Scrabble in Calhoun gear, she also let me in on
and not get in trouble. why Adidas is her brand
This stunning wordsmith of choice: because theyre
grew up on the upper west German. And its sporty,
side of Manhattan and claims but its chill. Like Im really

RAQUEL
BRAU DIAZ

comfy but swag. Track

pants are her favorite article
of clothing. Berlin, as luck
would have it, is her favorite
cityshe went to Berlin last
summer and told Rumpus
that she noticed a lot of things
in Berlin that she thinks
New York lacks: namely, a
chilled out environment.
Rumpus hasnt been to
Berlin or heard anything
about it since 1989, but will
take her word for it. New
York, for her, is too fastpaced. Everyones always
gotta be somewhere all the
time doing something.
Raquels type-B attitude
pervades her interview, as
she slouches back in one
of those shitty college desk
chairs and sets up another
game of Scrabble. In one
word, Raquel is a doughball.
Its because Im kind of
like...slow moving. Yeah...
spacey and shit. It takes
me a while to mobilize.
And process and stuff. She
described herself as someone
who is very relaxed, enjoys
spending time with her
friends, likes music and

Photo by Kat Lin

Austin Laut (SY 19) is
adorable. So adorable, in fact,
that we can almost forgive him for

confusing our name, Rumpus, with

Krampus, the title of a Christmasthemed horror movie for children.

Photo by Jenna Selati

dancing to musicto disco,

house, and techno. In that
order. Please dont mess up
that orderand to draw
and make art. Watercolor
is a favorite medium of
hers, as is graffiti: fuck the
law tho. When asked if she
considers herself anarchistic,
she doesnt hesitate to say in
some ways. No elaboration.
Too good to be true,

Born in Cleveland,
OH and raised in El
Dorado Hills, CA with
a brother and a sister
of the same age, Austin
made the bold decision
to leave his family
and move across the
country to pole vault
for Yales track and
field team.
Hes a triplet?!
youre probably asking
yourself right now,
having ignored the rest
of that sentence. Yes,
and it gets even better:
he and his brother are
identical.
We played tricks
on people, but we just
kind of dabbled in it,
Austin said. We didnt
use it to our advantage
as much as we should
have, but we would
switch up on our
teachers and substitute
teachers.
He and his brother
do a lot together, like
sing and play music and model
naked. They even started a band in
middle school called Gravity Falls,

youre thinking? Raquel

kind of is. She really likes
J.Cole even though hes
soft as fuck. Shes single, a
self-proclaimed free bird,
and couldnt be happier
to say it. Her ideal date
would be playing a game of
Scrabble in Battery Park in
Manhattan and just chillin.
Also a special shout-out to
her Gay History TA, Jawan,

who would certainly be in

her preferred threesome,
along with me...............
uh..................maybe........
Beyonce......and
George
Chauncey. And my friend
Noelle. And that bartender
from Berlin, Svan. Motor city
drum ensemble. It would be
a collective orgy for sure.
EUGENIA
ZHUKOVSKY

the name of which was later stolen

No butterfaces, he said, before
by a Disney TV show who we also listing outgoing, nice, and
suggested they sue for copyright.
smart as redeeming qualities. But
To set the record straight for the biggest tip for winning Austins
those who have seen the semi-nude heart? Make up your fucking mind.
photos of Austin and his brother
You know one thing I hate? If
online (which, for those who you ask a girl where she wants to
h ave nt ,
go to dinner and she says, oh,
Google is
I dont care, wherever, Austin
your best
said.
friend),
We then asked Austin
they were
where his ideal date would
most beautiful take place in order to avoid
p r i n t
ACTUAL MODEL this problem when he asks us
out (were still waiting). He
advertisements for an Australian explained that Trampoline World
swimwear company so please stop would be the perfect place for a
giving him crap. Instead, give him first date, while a drive-in movie
crap for being an Eagle Scout, or theater is a better location for a
for inspiring his parents to write a night with a girlfriend (aka a girl
book that landed them on Montel whose boobs its probably okay to
Williams show.
touch at that point).
My parents wrote a book
The question is: do you want
on how to raise multiple birth to be in a situation where you
children, Austin said. Its called end your night with a kiss? We
How to Raise Multiple Birth do, thank you for asking. But
Children.
remember, ladies: if you cant win
Lucky for us here at Rumpus this Laut brothers heart, theres
and for the plethora of singles another one out there who is both
desperately wondering about identical and interested in all of the
Austins relationship status, he is same things. Thank you, God.
available; however, he has a few
JENNA SELATI
requirements when it comes to
lady suitors.

AUSTIN
LAUT

APRIL 2016

yalerumpus.com
Earlier this semester, Rumpus
got a first-hand account of what
this Pakistani-American 50 Moster

from San Diego does when hes not

busy being a Stiles FroCo.
Rumpus: So how good is it?

Photo by Chad Hilliard

Who are you voting for
Rumpus was lounging in
our room when Drew Glaeser in the upcoming election?
called us to let her into the I continued. Kasich. Cant
entryway. Having dropped resist those beautiful green
down the key, we waited eyes.
Favorite sports team
in feverish anticipation for
this storied Stiles Freshman at Yale? Ezra Stiles
to summit. A golden Theta intramural football. Go
Wisconsinite, Glaeser glided Moose!
What movie do you
into Rumpus room, an
infinity scarf deftly tucked think you should have
into a Canadian Possum starred in? She thought
jacket. We have known hard, and eventually came up
Glaeser for some time, so we with Beasts of the Southern
W i l d
skipped
Hushpuppy.
right
to
M o s t
the tough
questionable
questions.
thing youve
Gin or
most beautiful done
at
Vo d k a ?
Yale? I once
Vo d k a ,
GOLDEN THETA cornered a
she said
p o s s u m ,
with
a
she began hesitantly, and
smile.
Dream job? The US then someone posted an
overheard at Yale thing that
ambassador to France.
Tell me about your I was torturing a possum. I
style; what makes an outfit was literally just trying to say
a Glaeser? My two go-tos hi to the possum, not corner
are turtlenecks and scarves the poor thing. Rumpus
in the winter; I have a hates it when NARPs ruin
collection of like 50 scarves. our possum fun. If you see
One for each of Rumpus 50 something, say something.
Favorite
food?
Mosters.

DREW
GLAESER

Mustafa: Its the best youll ever

have. I mean I havent had a bad
review yet. I was gonna bring you
some. But then I thought
am I bribing you for this
interview?
R: We would have loved
some. We love being bribed.
We live for bribes.
M: If I werent so busy, I
would have made you some.
R: SoWhere do you
make it?
M: In my room.
R: In your room? On
Old Campus?
M: I have the facilities
Recently, I had to make 6-7
gallons for a Deans going
away party, and I am in the
FroCo suite, just like, in the
zone. Its a mess; youre not
supposed to see that part.
R: Thats so funny.
M: Its funny because I
know that if I ever make it
big at some point, Im gonna
look back and be like, manI
was throwing shit together in
the dorm, and I dont know
what the hell I was doing. I
just have so many crazy stories
already. Ive been doing this
for a year. The whole summer

Burgers, I love burgers,

ask me what I want on my
burger.
The tension in the room
was palpable; we wiped the
sweat from our forehead,
leaned in, and asked:
What do you want on your
burger? A fried egg, cheesecheddar-lettuce, tomatoes,
caramelized onions, bacon,
and a balsamic glaze. Good
god. A break ensued for this
Rumpus staffer to change
bottoms. Refreshed, we
were ready to dive back in.
How many windows
are there in Manhattan?
The population is like,
nearly 10 million; so then
if its like 3 windows, 4
windows per householdI
would say maybe businesses
would have more. Maybe
like 500 million. There
are 230 million windows
in Manhattan, @McKinsey
shell be ready come 2018.
Edward or Jacob? we
asked. The question caught
her slightly off guard. Topics
such as this are usually off
limits in official interviews.
Jacob, she said after a long

21

of my junior year, I was at home,

M: You mean in an hour?
developing my product.
R: In one batch?
R: So, what do your parents
M: I mean it takes me like a
think about all this? Did they think few minutes to make a gallon. And
you were going through some usually its fine for most events. But
sort of a phase? Or that you were for the bigger ones, I have to keep
depressed?
doing it for two hours. Its been a
M: NoI dont think so. But lot of fun. I mean, in any case
my mom just has this classic line even if this all crashes and burns,
where she
at least I can whip
says (in
out a cool party
Urdu),
trickAnyway,
look,
we can talk about
son, we
other stuff. Not
most beautiful just my business.
support
you, but
But what if we
LASSI
we dont
WANT to talk
believe in you.
about your business, Mustafa?
R: Brutal, brutal. But, tell us What if your business is ALL
how smooth is it?
we want to talk about? Rumpus
M: The consistency? Um, that wonders how the freshmen keep
was the trickiest part because its it together with this beautiful
so diverse in that some people like Froco doing his business all over
it thick. Traditionally it tends to be the Froco suite. We would love
much thinner in India and Pakistan. partake, and if were ever lucky
Mines right in the middle, it goes enough to do so, well consider it
down but you probably couldnt a thank you very much from this
have it with a straw. Its a little bearded banger. You can have some
heavy so it fills you up. And Ive of his lassis too: turn to Page 3!!!
noticed that a lot of people just do
SONALI CHAUHAN
shots, so you just knock it back in
a Dixie cup.
R: How much can you churn
out in one go?

pause, hes tan and Edward

is like see through, and he
glistens in the sun.
What is your favorite
thing to be involved with at
Yale? we continued, trying
to ignore the fact that she
chose wrong. Definitely
Yale Swim; it was so fun to
watch the girls learn and
grow as swimmers! If we
werent already in love with
Drew at this point, her
bright enthusiasm for these
youngsters changed our
mind. Anyway.
Innie or outie? Innie,
obviously. Are any of these
questions going to be about
real stuff? Horrified and
upset at this blow to our
journalistic
contributions
to society, we spent a few
moments
thinking
of
something Glaeser could
sink her teeth into.
With cold steel in our
eyes, we ask Spring break
plans? Cabo or not Cabo?
Im going with some friends
to Miami because theres a
virus in the Caribbean.
Where do you see
yourself in 10 years? I

MUSTAFA
MALIK

Photo by Josh Tarplin

hope Im out of school
and have a solid job and a
significant other that I really
like, and Im not going to be
thinking about kids at all.
Even though Im obsessed
with babies, but only squishy
ones; no premes.

One final question.

Blue and black or gold and
white? We were on the edge
of our seat.
White and gold.
JOSH TARPLIN

22

RUMPUS

yalerumpus.com

Photo by Josh Tarplin

If
you
are
wondering who the
dreamiest freshman
on Old Campus is,
youve turned to the
right page.
L o g a n
Lewis (TC
19) is the
Yale Class
of 2019s
M o s t
Eligible
Bachelor.
He resides in the
humble
residence
of Bingham on the
Trumbull side, where
he likes to work hard
but play harder.
Cutting straight to
the chase, Logan
is indeed single!
When asked about
his ideal date Logan
exclusively revealed
that he envisions
spontaneous
adventures
and
udon noodles. In
his ideal partner,
he enjoys a nice set
of lips and strong
candor. While Logan

very clearly knows

what he wants, his
luck has not always
attracted the greatest
of hook-ups. My

LOGAN
LEWIS

most beautiful

SPIRITED
FOREHEAD
first hookup at Yale
was with someone
wildly uninteresting,
so
the
sexual
experience was just
as
uninteresting.
Thats
right:
if
you are going to
court Logan, dont
be boring as fuck.
On top of being
incredibly dreamy,
Logan
frequents
the BDs, where he
holds the official
title of member. He
nostalgically recalled
his BDs initiation
that involved him
wearing American

Celine Tien (TD 17)

makes talking about poop
sexy. Only fifteen minutes
into our interview, she
showed us an Instagram
video of a panda pooping.
Rumpus was charmed
wed do anything just for
one colonoscopy in her
presence.
Its not just her sense
of humor that makes us
adore this well-traveled
LA/Singapore /Taipei/(a
few other places we forgot
to write down) native.
After all, we at Rumpus are
extremely shallow. Celine
is
professionally
hot;
shes been signed to Ford
Models since she was 10
years old. She is also an
actress, like her brother,
and was once on iCarly, as
was her brother. She cant
remember what episode she
was on, because her parents
taped her brothers episodes
instead of hers, because
they love him more. But
Rumpus loves Celine more
than her brother, even
though we dont know him.
Celine gave up the

Apparel tights that

he unfortunately
ripped
in
the
crotch area. Wish
we
were
there.
If
you
are
wondering
how
adventurous Logan
really is, he once
took a friends advice
about how to get into
Box 63 without a
fake. You can totally
jump over the fence!
Not even Trump
approved of this
message, but Logan
did it anyway. Or
at least he tried. He
strolled over to the
fence and, not being
in a state of mind to
pull off sophisticated
acrobatics, fell over
and
ripped
his
pants in the process.
Seriously?
Where
the hell have we
been?! Logan went
home with ripped
pants and a bruised
heart. He declined
to comment further.
Rumpus
can

only imagine how

difficult it must be
being
attractive.
Logan, though, feels
quite
comfortable
in his beauty. In
fact, he even told
Rumpus some of his
greatest insecurities:
Every few days
someone will ask
me if I bumped my
head, but I really
just think I have a
spirited
forehead.
Its full of secrets.
If youre intrigued
by the secrets-or the
beauty-you can find
Logan at Woads,
Frats, the BDs or
really
anywhere
where anyone who
is anyone would
be.
While
the
competition
for
Logan may seem
intense, it is well
worth the risk. Good
luck on the chase,
hes a hard catch.
VIVIANA
ANDAZOLA
MARQUEZ

opportunity to be in out my natural glow. Shes

the iCarly movie so that known she was beautiful
she could take her AP since high school, when her
Environmental
Science friends 5th grade brother
exam (nice). She did offered to buy her a car
well on the
and support
examAP
her lifestyle.
Scholars
r
R u m p u s
hot! At Yale,
dreams that
Celine
is
one
day
most beautiful
a
doubleCeline
will
majoring
POTTY MOUTH buy us a car
in
Film
(or maybe a
Studies and English. She hoverboard) and offer to
is a founder of Y-Fashion, support our lifestyle. And
Yales only fashion group, by lifestyle we mean
and the one that had the daily in-game purchases
well-publicized and sold- on
the
Kylie/Kendall
out fashion show.
Kardashian app. We think
This doesnt come as a Celine would support this,
surpriseCeline is quite recommending that people
stylish. She describes her who want to be more like
aesthetic as Industrial Chic, her watch Keeping Up with
a term she made up when the Kardashians. If you
we asked her to describe her learn their ways, she told
aesthetic. Its unclear what us, you learn hers.
that means, but were sure
Celine would describe
it will be featured in next her perfect date as a typical
months issue of Vogue or if day with her family, plus
not, The Tab.
boyfriend. Wake up, Yelp
Celines believes her a breakfast place, go to 6
beauty stems from the fact Flags, Yelp a lunch place,
that she eats lots of Ramen; Yelp a lunch dessert place,
The toxic chemicals bring begin Yelping for dinner,

CELINE
TIEN

Photo by John Chirikjian

then after dinner Yelp a

final post-dinner dessert.
Celines perfect partner
loves her dog, loves her
family, is smart, funny, and
can make poop jokes at any
time. All of these traits
are equally important,
she says. But before we
could bust out the whoopie
cushion, Celine revealed
that she is OFF the market.
Our heart breaks into a
million tiny fart clouds.
There is still some hope:
Rumpus has a plot straight
out of a made-for-TV movie
to win Celines affections.
Celine once lived next to
professional Rubiks Cuber
(or speedcuber) Tyson
Mao. She trained under
him, and ultimately was
able to set a personal record
of 36 seconds. When she
speaks of this past life, her
eyes seem to fill with regret
for the road-not-taken.
Anyway, Rumpus plans to
dress up as a regulation
standard Rubiks Cube and
let Celine solve us. We bet
shell beat her record ;).
ALEX SAIONTZ

APRIL 2016

yalerumpus.com
If youve been wondering
why Urban Outfitters is
skimping on cardigans
lately, its probably because
Malik Gerdes (ES 16)
already bought them all.
Not that he really buys all
of Urbans cardigans, or
endorses doing so in any
way, or that Rumpus wants
an Urban endorsement
were really more Uniqlo
but the cardigan he wore
to our interview was pretty
nice and he said it was from
Urban.
Originally from New
Orleans and then Maryland
since he was ten, this
50 Moster with a cardi
described himself as the
epitome of the middle
child. We assume he was
trying to hint that hes
down to be either big
spoon or little spoon; ten
points to Gryffindor, who
doesnt love a Yale man with
versatilityand a cardigan!
On the weekends, you
can find Malikand his
cardiganchilling at Fence
Club, a society of highfunctioning
alcoholics.
When hes not busy

Photo by Alicia Lovelace

One sunny, yet brisk,
Tuesday
afternoon,
as
Rumpus sat down in the
corner of Blue State, we
never thought it would be
the day our life changed.
And even though we ended
up blackout and pantsless
at Sig Ep that night, as per
usual, it was also the day

of Yales Undergraduate
Women in Physics and shes
on the staff of Yale Scientific
Mag.
Rumpus, for one, was
intrigued by Marguerites
willingness to meet at Blue
State due to the fact that it
is not a science class. When
asked for a statement about

MARGUERITE
EPSTEIN-MARTIN
most beautiful

SORORITY IN STEM
we met Marguerite EpsteinMartin (SY 17).
Marguerite isnt your
typical
physics
major.
For one thing, she wasnt
wearing sweats, and for
another, shes in a sorority!
I joined a sorority,
Marguerite confided in
us, Yeah, Alpha Phi. Its
been a lot ofstuff. Apart
from the joys of sisterhood,
Marguerite is a member

what being a STEM major

at Yale is like, Marguerite
responded, Its different.
My weeks are always stressful
before Wednesdaythats
when psets are due. The
invitation in this statement
is clear: if you ever want to
hook up with STEM, look no
further than Woads where
science hotties get to grind
the pain away. Marguerite
disagrees: Woads is a little

crazy, for her. But, with

eyes as starry as the galaxies
about which she theorizes,
she added, I have not been
to Soads this year, which is
actually a travesty. Rumpus
reached the conclusion that
STEM majors are only ever
at Toads or on Science Hill,
you just would never know
unless you observed them.
QED //
At this point in the
interview, Rumpus had
already fallen harder for
this self-described quirky
junior than gravity. And
if you, dear reader, have
reached that point as well,
you may feel compelled to
quantum tunnel into her
DMs. However, despite a
dating history filled with
a lot of worsts, Rumpus
regrets to inform you that
Marguerite is currently
taken.
Marguerite was still
surprised by her selection
as one of Yales finest. I
was kind of shocked, she
murmured coyly, but I

practicing with the Club

Soccer team or interviewing
prospective freshmen, Malik
is a devoted member of
the BMU, describing it as
a a group that epitomizes
and brings meaning to
lifting while we climb.
Everyones always trying
to make sure that the guy
next to them is doing
as well as they want, and
is getting the most out of
the BMU and their Yale
experience in general. Its
definitely the longest part
of my resume, he added,
undoubtedly along with
his penchant for a bangin
cardigan.
If he could go back in
time and change one thing,
Malik told Rumpus he
would eat more vegetables
as a little kid, explaining
that hes a very picky eater.
Maybe Id eat salads if I ate
vegetables as a little kid.
Dont worry, Malik, there
are plenty of salads for you
to toss while youre still
at Yal. Speaking of which,
what does a potential suitor
have to do to get it in with
this cardigan-sporting catch
think it kind of helps that
Im in Saybrook; there
might be a little bit of
nepotismmaybe dont
put that in there, she said
with a laugh. Rumpus can
neither confirm nor deny
allegations that Saybrook
has far outperformed
other colleges in the 50
Most selection process in
recent years.
In the end, there are
two things you need to
know about Marguerite
Epstein-Martin:
she
knows way more about
dark matter than you,
and she got on Overheard
at Yale her freshman year
for what she described as
really bad sorry, but I
really cant tell you.
Interviews, much like
stars, are wonderful but
finite; hot but volatile.
After our supernova
with Marguerite, she
dejectedly added, Darn,
well now I have to go
work on my pset.
SEAN WALKER

from Nawlins? The poly

sci majorarent we all
is looking for a girl whos

MALIK
GERDES

most beautiful

CARDIGAN
smarter than he is and can
throw shade but not at his
cardigan.
Malik wasnt sure what
exactly his ideal first date
would be, but suggested
something you dont do
too often, like mini golf
or anal. After that, you can
definitely expect to grab
drinks and maybe go to
Chik-Fil-A OR Chipotle
options! Hot! Malik doesnt
subscribe to the whole
nice-restaurant-on-a-firstdate thing. You should
go somewhere that you
really enjoy, that can show
something about yourself.
We think we got the drift:
the faster the date, the faster
you get to take your clothes
offbut does the cardigan
stay on?

Photo by Katharine Wang

23

When Rumpus asked

Malik if he would use his
newfound 50 Most powers
for good or for evil, he
replied for evil. Thats
what we like to hear. Expect
to see this sartorial senior
slaying it at Toads in his last
few months in his cardigan.
Speaking of slaying,
Malik
recounted
his
summer abroad in Paris.
One night he drunkfacetimed his mom in the
club whilst downing Grey
Goose with his friends. Our
drunk phone interactions
with our parents usually
involve tears and Dubra, so
we can relate. Interestingly,
Malik noted that his least
favorite aspect of Yale was
how the social scene relies
on disposable income,
something hed like to see
changed in the futurebut
dont worry Malik! Once
Rumpus starts accepting
monetary bribes for spots
in 50 Most, in addition to
the sexual ones we already
receive, well have plenty
to go around. Cardigans
2016.
NICK ADEYI

24

RUMPUS

yalerumpus.com

Everyone knows slash suck at Netflix and chilling

wrote the clich college because I have absolutely no
admissions
essay:
a attention span for movies,
transformative service trip to said Miranda. Rumpus
Africa, a bike-ride-turned- thinks exactly the right kind
life-lesson, et cetera. But not of attention span to have
Miranda Escobar (TC 19). for this particular activity.
Escobar wrote her essay on Still, she and her boyfriend
her
(and
(sigh) have
Rumpuss)
to
turned
role model,
to
other
the
one
date ideas.
and
only
Lu c k i l y,
most beautiful
Elle Woods
Miranda
of Legally
keeps
a
DOG
Blonde.
Google Doc
I
of all the
think Elle
New Haven
Woods is really inspiring restaurants she wants to
because theres a tendency try. Yep, thats righther
for girls to equate being Yale bucket list is entirely
smart with masculinity, dedicated
to
culinary
and people think to be a experiences. While her
successful woman means moms side of the family is
you cant be feminine. But Jewish and her dads family is
Elle Woods was smart and from Cuba, Miranda doesnt
successful and still wore pink hesitate to tell Rumpus that
and did her hair, Miranda she prefers the cuisine of the
explained.
former, especially bagels and
In another act of lox.
nonconformity,
Miranda
For
Miranda,
hasnt seen the Legally Judaism is about more
Blonde sequel and isnt a fan than nursing a hangover at
of most movies in general. I Bagel Brunchshe went

MIRANDA
ESCOBAR

to a Jewish high school

and spent the last three
months of her senior year
in Israel, living on a farm
with real life compost
toilets. Self-described as
a complete JAP [Jewish
American
Princess],
Miranda explained how
she wanted to push herself
out of her comfort zone
in college. I gradually
started realizing I should
probably experiment with
being outdoors and emerge
a little from my JAPyness. Though she went
on a FOOT trip this fall,
Miranda maintains that
she still doesnt like hiking
and would never apply to
be a FOOT leader.
So what does
Miranda like besides Jewish
food? Dancing. She danced
throughout high school
and now with Danceworks.
Also at Toads. Incidentally,
Mirandas mom, a Yale
alumn, made sure Toads
received a prominent spot
in the college tour she gave
Miranda as a high school
junior. Young Miranda

Photo by Marisa Lowe

Besides winning an Academy
Award, Will Nixons (PC 19)
biggest dream is to finally have a
wet one. Yeah, I dont know why,
but Ive just never experienced
that. No wet dreams. I guess you

could call me a long-bloomer,

Nixon explained with the poetic
precision of an aspiring American
Studies major. Shouts out to our
50 Mosters Football roommate
from Ohio who is a homie and not

Photo by Siddhi Surana

didnt quite understand all
the hype, but the past is the
past. I was like, what is this
place? Whats the big deal?
Now I get it, Miranda said,

a behemoth; those grunts coming

from top-bunk-Will are lucid as
hell.* Nixon is no wet dreamin
crook.**
When we asked if he was
a funny guy, our formidable
Garden State frosh raised his
beautiful eyebrowstwo fullyerect crests cut from the same steel
as his jawto respond, when
youre 5 9 you gotta eat out.
Rumpus swoons @ the shawties of
the world. Besides the VQ, Nixons
favorite joke is jerking off in the
New Haven Green to blow off
steam. Young Will built up a lot of
steam at his all-boys Catholic high
school.
During those formative years,
Nixon learned to hate Range
Rovers and love his face, which
would sometimes score him free
Americanos at this one Starbucks
in New Jersey. Full disclosure, its
because he worked there at the
Drive-thru Starbucks. Rumpus
blacked out during Nixons retelling
of a crazy-high-school-partystory-late-for-work saga, but the
takeaway is that his emergency
contacts will always be Mom and
Dad (SAME). Outside of the
workplace, this bada$$ barista has
proven to be actually very capable;

wise beyond her years.

And thats how
we at Rumpus felt about
Miranda. Whats all the fuss
about? After hanging out

WILL
NIXON
most beautiful

EYEBROWS
Nixons an Eagle Scout.
Nowadays, the retired war
vet works at the Yale University
Art Gallery even though it can be
pretty pretentious, much like his
poets visage. But the old crazy
high schooler persona still resides
within. One day, during the first
week of school, Nixon chugged a
lot of water but then threw it all up
in a restaurant. He has also traveled
to Buenos Aires and Rio.
Im a tortured soul; who cares.
Extracurricularly, Will is known
as Shakespeare. This probably
shouldnt go in as a direct quote,
but I joined the YDN Mag staff.
Aside
from
micromanaging
Rumpus, Nixon plans to curate
a photo-essay on his Italian
barber who wants to wax Nixons
eyebrows like his kids. To clarify,
that is in the shape of the Italian
barbers kids eyebrows and not in
the shape of the kids themselves.
Either way, Rumpus imagines it

with her on the top floor of

Gheav for an hour, we totally
get it.
RACHEL TREISMAN

will look lovely and al dente.

Outside of the cucina, The Bard
hopes to focus his life on film since
he is comfortable appearing on
film and has even danced on film.
He has not yet appeared nude on
film though he once attended a
naked party only to reveal a second
set of impeccable cheekbones.
In the meantime, Stevie Nix is
single, trying to keep it casual, and
hates the kind of Yalie exclusivity
thats all bullshit. As our
observant frosh notes, people on
campus are always saying, dont
worry its all bullshit, but then they
dont invite you to their parties.
Rumpus would like to cordially
invite Will Nixon, and literally
everyone, to our 50 Most Party on
April 13th at Partners.
*Editors note: We contemplated
taking this joke out because it is so
damn confusing, but let us break
it down for you. The joke here is
that if Wills roommate has heard
him grunting on the top bunk, its
not because Will is having a wet
dream. Its because hes jacking off.
**Editors note: This is a
Richard Nixon reference, idiot.
ALICIA LOVELACE

APRIL 2016

yalerumpus.com
Matt Goldklang (ES
16) has the solid, sculpted
build and unwavering
smile of an ex-child star
an Efron or a DiCaprio:
eternally boyish. Even in
New Havens most dismal
Starbucks, interred deep
within the Yale Bookstore,
I found him not just
smiling but beaming when
I arrived for our interview.
Matt, a senior geology
and geophysics major is
effortlessly
charmingI
almost expected him, midinterview, to withdraw
a small box from his
backpack and introduce me
to a bluebird with a clipped
wing he rescued from the
sidewalk, which he would
have
probably
named
Whistler or Captain
Crunch. He didnt do that,
but still.
So why wont Matt
Goldklang be my friend? At
the time of our interview,
we had been introduced
maybe once before, despite
having 76 mutual friends
on Facebook. He lives
not even a block from my

Photo by John Chirikjian

refuses to be my
friend because hes a
sexist, which I found
confusing
because Matt
and I are both
male. I thought
Sabrina might
have
meant
he
was
a
misandrist, but
that seems unlikely
too, because Matt
is gay. Maybe Matt
doesnt like me
because he thought
I wasnt a sexist
too? Not likely
to
avoid
being
recognized in public
and compromising
the
confidential
nature of our 50
Most interview, Id
cleverly thought to
disguise myself as a
sexist before leaving
the house. I dont
really know what Sabrina
was talking about, but then
again, I didnt actually talk
to herI decided it would
be faster to stay at home
and imagine what shed say,

25

using my Ouija board.

I kept asking
around. My friend Fiona

friend was my own fault

for being an asshole all the
time, so I went on an all-day
bender, blacked out, and
woke up on the roof of Est
Est Est pizza with nothing
but a Ziploc bag full of
most beautiful teeth (not mine, thank
heavens!) and a lifelong
PLANT vendetta against Jared.
Nothing
was
speculated it was because adding up. How could Matt
Matt thinks Im a bro slut. Goldklang be such a great
She was referring to Bro, an guy and yet not be my friend?
iPhone app for men who The question would haunt
are looking for implicitly me whenever I would see
sexual male companionship. him around. When I talked
Coincidentally,
Id with him at Masquerade,
mentioned Bro, the app, to or had a beer with him at a
Matt during our interview, mutual friends party, or that
and he seemed into it. He time he came over to dinner
loves dating apps. He has at my house, I couldnt help
a fake Grindr and a real but wonder why Matt didnt
Tinder. Another strike.
want to be my friend. Not
I asked Jared, knowing where else to turn,
whos friends with Matt. He I finally asked Matt himself.
gave a compelling reason,
Nick, we are
or maybe one that wasnt friends, he said.
very compelling. I dont
Thats why I like
remember, because Id just Matt Goldklang. Hes a good
finished having a few beers friend, even if hes a fucking
at an event for the Senior liar.
Class Gift and because Jared
NICK HENRIQUEZ
said that Matt not being my

MATT
GOLDKLANG

Photo by Kat Lin

house. Were not in the
same college, but were both
in one. Its unlikely that I
wouldnt have crossed paths
with Matt Goldklang before
nowunless, of course, hes
been deliberately avoiding

me for years. I decided to

investigate.
The first person I
asked was Sabrina, Matts
apartment-mate and a friend
of mine since freshman year.
She suggested that Matt

Nina Campbell (TD 18) isnt

writing a concept album about
Toads, but if she were, she says
shed name it Simulations of True
Love, or something smart like
that. Rumpus loves concept albums
but loathes how frequently theyre
turned into Broadway musicals.
Yeah I dont know I guess I just
wish they played better music
there, Campbell says of Toads
she likes Jamie xx. Rumpus wistfully
recounts the time we almost got
tickets to see Jamie xx on a boat
in the Ohio River during a Yalecoordinated internship program.
What do you mean you almost
got tickets? Campbell probesas
in, What does that even look like?
Did you get cut in line?
Theres a pause. Rumpus admits
almost got tickets meant nothing
more than had a well-founded
desire for tickets but learned via
google.com that tickets were sold
out. Both parties are silent in this
call-outs fallout (I Hate Me, Too).
The G-Heav cash register beeps.
Someones tin tray pops (the weight
of gnocchi). The girl next to us
hums Pon de Replay.
The conversation gets back
on its feet. So you go to Toads
often? Campbell smiles warmly.

Lately Ive migrated to Box, she

says. Box 63: American Bar and
Grille? Rumpus clarifies. Yeah,
Nina confirms. Off to a great start.
But the thing about Box
though is like, you have to wait in
that little box before you can get

room for more (there isnt), she

is in Theta, competes on the Yale
Polo Team, is on the Greek Life
Task Force, and leads Freshman
Outdoor Orientation Trips trips
as part of the Freshman Outdoor
Orientation Trips program. Tight.
In spite of it all, Nina
remains a normal personnot
swept up by a demanding Yale
social scene, nor offended when she
finds out someone compared her
most beautiful to a praying mantis in the Rumpus
HORSE GroupMe. Shes humble in a way
that humbles Rumpusreal to the
core. How does she do it? I think
into Box, you know? So true. And Im just usually napping, she says.
its like, you wait in this little box
Rumpus inquires about her
and its so claustrophobic and its typical night out, looking to pierce
a cluster fuck. Still with her. And the surface. But the surface turns
then you finally get fully inside and out to be the substance. Well,
its the same exact thing as Toads, I wake up from my nap. Then I
its just smaller andI dont know begin the night by telling everyone
if youve noticed thiseveryones that Im definitely not going out,
taller. All five feet, eight inches she says. And then I see people at
of Rumpus are impressed with dinner who are excited about going
this compare-contrast. Cutting out and Im like, Sorry guys its
but illuminating. Socio-politically just not for me tonight. And then
infused. EP&E.
I go back to my room and listen to
Im actually an EP&E music. And then a [Jamie xx] song
major, Nina says. Turns out comes on that I like, she says. And
Nina studies ethics, politics, AND then she goes out.
economicsall at once. Shit. Thats
PATRICK DOOLITTLE
a lot on her plate. As if theres

NINA
CAMPBELL

26

RUMPUS

Chances are you already

know J Hunter Roman (CC
19). Whether youve seen
him as the sole representative
of Yale on the Ivy League
Snapchat Story (smoothie
guy), throwing the most
#lit #freshman #parties

Be
warned;
behind
that radiant chuckle, Emi
Mahmoud (DC 16) wields
deadly jokes.
Born in Darfur, Emi
grew up in Northeast Philly
where no matter how good
the Philly cheesesteaks were,
they werent quite enough
to fix the crisis at large.
(Darfur and the fact that
Philly sux)
And as a pre-med MCDB
and Anthropology double
major, Emi knows what
shes talking about. Shes
even made a career out of
talking about it: in spoken
word, stand-up comedy, the
occasional rap (see: Halal
Swag below), a forthcoming
book,
this
prestigious
interview, and behind closed
doors at the White House.
Emi describes Obama
as the shit; when they
met, she decided to be the
one person in the room
to troll him. She told
him that despite the food
insecurity, bombings, raids,
and genocide back in Darfur,
Philly really wasnt that
different. Obama laughed

yalerumpus.com

in the (in)famous Bath

House a.k.a. #bathhouse
a.k.a. BA , tearing shit
up on the football field,
or you just couldnt help
but ignore all 66 of solid
allure smiling coyly at you
from across Old Campus,

J rightfully deserves his

space in this years 50 Most.
But what is it? What is it
behind the beard, behind
the Colgate smile, and, most
importantly, under the fitted
shirts that make this sexy
man sosexy? Rumpus
investigates.
T h e
first
thing
Ru m p u s
noticed about
J was how
fucking huge
he is. Like,
s e r i o u s l y,
this guy is
tall. When
questioned
about
his
size,
J
responded
with nervous
laughter. We
got straight
to the point
and
asked
whether or
not he uses
HGH
(if
not, Rumpus
knows
a
Photo by Kat Lin
guy),
but

knowingly and said sorry.

I got the president to
apologize, Emi beams.
Like, statistically speaking,
I shouldnt be alive, you
know? Emi laughs once
again so that Rumpus doesnt
cry.

week.
But this Individual
World
Poetry
Slam
Champion mostly draws
inspiration from Kendrick
Lamar. Feeling inspired
herself, she sang us a few
bars of Halal Swag, set to the
tune of Gas Pedal:
Got that halal swag
Koran in the bagCan
I get a lentil soup for the
sisters? No pork while
most beautiful we running the show;
HALAL SWAG hold the ham, Ill take
the pita to goOhhhh,
Turning to important at the airport, and they think
things, Rumpus asks Emi Im G, everybody stops
if shes internet famous. and theyre staring at me.
She suggests we Google Like Im so thug, but what
Image of Perfectionthis does that mean? Excuse
is the literal meaning of me, youve been randomly
her name. After closing out selected, to be inspected.
all our porn tabs, Rumpus Hold up; you mean you
discovers that Emi has more didnt expect it?
hits than Drake the type
On the way to speak at
jokesher favorite of which the Harvard Kennedy center
is Drake the type to eat last year, Emi was stopped
two gummy bears at a time at the airport, you know?
so they dont have to die Actually, do you know? she
alone. Inspired, we made asks. Rumpus remembers
up our own: Emi the type the time we reeked of weed
who doesnt do Yale Radio at JFKnope yeah, I think
because she was on NPR last we even cuddled the drug-

EMI
MAHMOUD

again, the freshman flashed

his pearly whites before
swiftly offering a seemingly
rehearsed denial a la Marco
Rubio.
When
pressed
further, Roman admitted
that his father legitimately
tried to engineer him to be
huge out of what could only
be explained as vicariism
(this is a real word). My
dads only 511, J added,
so in college he decided he
was too short and wanted
to have tall kids. Rumpus
only biology experience
may be Issues Approach to
Biology which we aced
(read: took a Cr) but we
knew something wasnt
adding up. J smiled, though,
so we let it go.
In an effort to throw
him off this pre-scripted
interview plan, Rumpus
asked J what his best feature
was. To our surprise, he
answered, I would say
my smile, and with his
big grin, continued, I get
complimented on my smile
a lot. So much so that in
high school, there were
multiple occasions where
sniffing dog
Emi admits
that
despite
all the jokes,
once you do
the
serious
stuff, you get
invited to the
table.
And
Emis
been
flown out to
literally every
tablein
addition to this
one in Upstairs
G h e a v
to
explain,
When youre
treating
a
person, they
are a person.
Theres a lot
of parts to
them.
They
live within a
system. And
Ive seen how a system
can fail peopleits about
reminding people that they
have a right to speak. Its
about learning to be our own
advocates.
As for the dating scene
at Yaleanother failed

girls told me they wanted to

lick my teeth. Sounds hot,
though Js delivery of this
line indicated he wouldnt
necessarily be down, leaving
us feeling disappointed yet
aroused.

friend.
Anyway, even our tech
gurus at Rumpus cant figure
out how to get on the Ivy
League Snapchat story, but
J seems to know the trick.
What? Its easy, J smirked,
reapplying shine to his
teeth with his tongue
before continuing, The
Yale one is too predictable.
The Ivy League one
most beautiful is a lot cheesier. All
SMOOTHIE GUY people ever talk about is
midterms, and midterms
The truth is, J is a simple dont happen all year J
(if exceptionally gorgeous) continued to advise us for
man with simple needs. some time, but Rumpus
When hes not pumping couldnt focus. Too transfixed
himself up to do the readings by Js smile to focus on the
for his history classes, you words emanating from
can find him either on the just behind it, we were
football field, Woads, or lulled into hypnosis, only
hooking up with your girl awakened three hours later
at Zeta (although we could to a sketchy barista at the
not get him to admit to Yale Bookstore Starbucks
the lattermost on record). (which doesnt even accept
That being said, J is new to fucking Starbucks gift cards)
the Woads scene because prodding us with a copy of
its the off-season for Chicken Soup for the Soul.
football. He loves the new J was gone, and so were his
freedom, noting that he had teeth. Christ wept.
a good time and would
SEAN WALKER
recommend [Woads] to a

J. HUNTER
ROMAN

Photo by Alicia Lovelace

systemEmi says that At
this point Im just married
to the money. But she has
identified the disease of
the student body: Hybrid
dicks. No one is just pure
dick. Like they could be an
annoying dick. The thing
is they dont have to have a

dick to be a dick; thats the

crazy thing!! My favorite
is Schrodingers dicks
theyre only a dick based on
how people react to them.
Rumpus finally appreciates
poetry.
ALICIA LOVELACE

APRIL 2016

yalerumpus.com
The other day Tony Scott (PC
Tony likes doing the kind of
17) poured some chemicals into research that could kill him (see
a beaker in his lab. They reacted above). Last summer, he worked
quickly and started emitting some in a West Campus Chem lab and
kind of poisonous gas. I freaked volunteered at a nearby urban
out, Tony said. I wastriggered. farm, where, amongst other
Tony yelled for his grad student things, he harvested a new profile
TA, but his TA didnt come. The picture of him with a bunch of
gas balloon filled
eggplants. West
to the point of
Campus, Best
bursting,
and
Campus, Tony
again,
Tony
happily recites,
shouted for help,
most beautiful referring to the
louder this time
big
parking
CHEMIST-ON-CAMPUS lot in West
than
before.
Again, no one
Haven that our
came. The balloon stretching to university uses for storage
its limits, Tony darted upstairs, and where our endowment is
where he hoped to find his grad housed in gold bullion behind
studentany
grad
student. automatic garage doors that are
Rumpus interjected as Tony operated by a man named Deb.
reached the storys climax, too
The point is: Tony is still too
eager to discuss grad students as optimistic for grad school. But its
a concept. What do you think the kind of optimism that made
of grad students? we probed. us fall in love with him in the
The story was never resolved. first place. Or maybe it was the
Well I actually like my TA, he time he tap danced for everyone
says. Hes really just so interesting at Freshman Olympics Two
because hes not boring. Rumpus Thousand Fourteen, but really its
nodded. The thing about grad neither here nor there because either
students is that I just feel like theyre way the point is: we love Tony.
all sad. I kind of want to go to grad
And you will too, if youre cool
school [for Chemistry]. But I also with splitting the bill. If Im
dont want to be sad. Makes sense. going on a date, Tony says, I

TONY
SCOTT

Photo by Robbie Short

dont want there

Photo by Marissa Lowe
to be pressure
to have a good
time,
because
that just never
works out well.
Rumpus
nods.
But theres so
much pressure to
have a good time
if Im paying for
the whole date
cus its like, no
one wants to feel
like they wasted
money, especially
somebody elses
money. Rumpus
briefly wonders
whether chivalry
is dead, but also
whether its sexist.
The
pressure
is just like
a dance (surprising, re: hes
triggering. For a
modern man like Tony, splitting in TAPS!), more of a forward
the bill is a matter of principle. march. To be clear I dont really
One in a series! It goes on- date, Tony says, laughing. This
campus meal, off-campus meal is just how he imagines he would
[dinner date], then grabbing want to dateits the vision.
Its the kind of vision that
a coffee at Blue State, he says,
makes
Tony the Renaissance
but with some thinking-ofman
hes
proven himself to be
you texts thrown in between
since
coming
to Yale. Stuy alum,
each part. Dating Tony is less

If youve ever been which is exactly what it

out at 3 in the morning, sounds like. Shes also a gifted
stumbling from Alpha Delta poet.
to GHeav, and noticed a
One morning last year,
statuesque brunette gliding Hamilton woke up to a new
through down Elm Street note in her phone titled A
like a slightly-tipsy gazelle Drunk Poem About Jordan
congratulations: you spotted Coley Written on the Stairs.
Sara Hamilton (ES 16).
With her blessing, we have
Im a big fan of running, republished it here:
sober and especially drunk,
Jordan coley is here. He
she tells an impressed but is shorter than me. But he
baffled Rumpus (the last time commands more space. He
we ran was an unsuccessful has a jean jacket. Denim.
attempt to make it to a toilet He shorter than me but still
after eight too
c o o l e r.
many
shots
H
e
of
Dubra).
smiles
Earlier
this
and
I
year, she rallied
c
a
n

t
most beautiful
a few friends
keep a
on a night out
TIPSY GAZELLE straight
to run down
f a c e .
to the Long
He
is
Island Sound to skinny dip, the only person I like in
a decision that is both wildly sophomore English class: he is
ambitious (its a 2.5 mile run) the o let person who does bar
and totally unappealing.
yak themselves too serious.
Much like her home state We are living, jerry, we are
of West Virginia, she is Wild living, he says. Furrowed
and Wonderful. Hamilton eyebrows. We furrow our
is an intrepid explorer of eyebrows.
Jordan
coley
New Haven roofs, and is the dances like an airplane and
inventor of the PocketBeer, he is not ever self concuous

SARA
HAMILTON

27

Fence Club brother, Chemistry

major, tap-dancer, leader in
the timeworn struggle v. Dean
Fabbris puritanism. He does
it all! Un-triggered by it all
(almost)! And Rumpus suspects,
if that gas balloon doesnt burst,
hell do it all in grad school too.
PATRICK DOOLITTLE

and he makes me laugh. He

runs around fence breaking
the silence with his jacket and
making us all crack up. Does
he get tired? He quoted a lot
of Kanye and sings to himself.
He wont slap me. [sic to all]
Look out, T.S. Eliot!
Though
Hamiltons
diverse set of extracurricular
activities alone make a woman
after our own heart, she
wasnt chosen for 50 Most
for her fun-loving spirit. No,
her attractiveness speaks for
itself.
Originally, she did not
believe that she had been
awarded 50 Most Beautiful.
And not in the Im super hot
and pretend to be modest to
be even hotter way that most
pretty people feign.
This is a prank, said
Hamilton. Sokol put you up
to this, didnt he? Sokol is an
asshole. Indeed, he did not,
though he is in fact an asshole;
the voice of the people made
it clear that Sara Hamilton
is stunning. With long wavy
dark hair, an intoxicated
runners legs, and a smile
that can cure even the worst

hangover, Hamilton was next

to a foregone conclusion.
So how do you score a
PB (Personal Best; this is
a running joke) with this
Charleston charmer?
Being fun is the most
important. The guys who I
am most attracted to are ones
who have a great personality.
My friends are always
shocked at the guys I think
are hot. I dont really care that
much about looks, Hamilton
explains. Really? WellI
really cant get over baldness.
#SorryBaseball
So whats next for this
pioneer of peculiar nightlife
endeavors? Shes working
at a tech company in New
York. But even though
shell be a successful Young
Professional,
Hamilton
assures us that deep down,
shell always be a shit-head.
If thats the case, Rumpus
is also a shit-head. Can we get
together?
She replied, Fuck you,
Adam Sokol.
MARY KATE
DILWORTH

28

RUMPUS

yalerumpus.com
Unlike
Rumpus,
who
didnt leave our Old Campus
dungeon-lair until we were
fully grown, Attila The
Hunk Yaman (SY 19) has
more culture in one side of his
incredibly chiseled, incredibly
symmetrical face than we do
head to toe. Like the Attila

Photo by Kat Lin

ATILLA
YAMAN

most beautiful

GLOBESQUATTER
of lore, who traveled Europe
with a band of merry horse
archers, Attila Yaman claims
many nations as his own.
Born in London to a Turkish
father and a German mother,
hes lived in the Netherlands,
Canada, Germany, and scenic
New Jersey before settling
in New Haven for his bright
college years. Its anyones
guess where Im from, he said
on his national identity, I used
to think I would be a diplomat,
but then I realized I have no
country I would do it for.
But what Attila lacks in
Na na na Naiya is a
female version of a hustla! A
self-proclaimed diva, Naiya
hates the white patriarchy
and probably hates you too.
Naiya Speight-Leggett
(CC 19) got her start as a
child model, and has always
been
a
bit
selfobsessed
(but less
so
now,
she assures
us).
I
follow the
mantra of loving myself and
putting my happiness first.
Naiya exudes fabulousness,
which can be intimidating
for mortals. But she assures
us that shes approachable.
I want people to come
talk to me. Im not mean.
I promise, she says as
she twists a red braid. So,
Rumpus took the plunge and
sat down to talk with Yales
number one baddy. Were
still recovering.
We greeted Naiya in the
AfAm houseshe feels most
at home here. Her proudest
moment at Yale has been

the March of Resilience.

Seeing Yale come together
was incredible. I have never
felt such an energy in my
life. It was an amazing start
to freshman year. It helped
me find a communityI
expected Yale to have a lot

switched out pirouettes

for booty pops. Today,
Naiya preserves her ballet
training, dancing with Yale
Dancers as well as RB, but
RB is definitely more fun.
Sounds like Naiya wants
a dance battle. Her dream
is to open a dance
studio to marry her
two passions: dance
and social justice.
She believes the arts
most beautiful can be transformative
marginalized
SLAYYY GODDESS for
communities. There
of institutional problems. is nothing that tells you
I do not think these Ivy math is more important
Towers are perfect at all. So, than the arts, she says, arms
it was nice to expose these crossed. We agree, but we
problems freshman year.
failed Math 112 so were
Naiya has also found biased.
support in the dance
When Naiya isnt dancing
community. Dance is the core or changing the world, you
of her identity. If youve seen can find her being a normal
Naiya dance with Rhythmic freshmangoing to SigEp,
Blue, you might find it hard watching White Chicks,
to believe, but Naiya used looking at pictures of Lupita
to be such a tragedy at Nyongo, and wondering,
hip-hop. It was only when where are all the good men?
she left the prestigious Naiya is currently single.
Washington Ballet and Surprised? We arent. We
joined Capitol Movement cant imagine a man worthy
Dance Company that she of Queen NaiNai. (Rumpus

NAIYA
SPEIGHT-LEGGETT

patriotism he makes up for in

good looks. To hear him tell
it, Attila became hot in the
8th grade, after moving from
the Netherlands to the US
in order to claim his rightful
place as quiet-mysterioussexy-foreign-kid who gets tons
of attention from girls despite
never talking to them. I kept
getting invited to bat mitzvahs
and it was really weird because
I didnt talk to anybody,
he recounted, proving once
again that just standing there
and looking good will get
you much farther in life than
working hard and being ugly.
Being really really ridiculously
good looking, though, has
its downside as well. I had
girlfriends who straight up told
me, I was infatuated with you
because you were that cool,
hot kid, but then like once we
dated for a couple of months I
got over the excitement. Even
the hottest of bodies ultimately
cant mask the sad, average
people we all are on the inside!
But Attila himself is
anything but sad and average.
Hes very easy and enjoyable to
talk to, hes fluent in German,

coined this nickname. Naiya

was unimpressed.) I hope
to date a person who wants
to make the world a better
place. As clich as
that sounds, theres
honestly so much
injustice. Its literally
ridiculous. Naiya takes
major issue with the
fucking
patriarchy
assuming that guys
have the right to hook
up with whoever they
want. She has no time
for fake or disrespectful
men, and has this
important message for
Yalies: never qualify
someones beauty. Im
not beautiful for a black
girl. Im just beautiful.
*Snaps*
When asked what
compliment she would
give herself on Elihu
Yale, Naiya responded,
Yes bischh fuqq it
upp. With two qs and
two ps in fuck it up.
Id also throw a slay
goddess somewhere in
there. She personally
demanded this of

Rumpus: You cant make

me sound weird. But you
can make me sound like a
bad bitch. Naiya, trust us,

AND hes an avid soccer player,

a hobby which has given him
what he calls his best feature.
Hes also found a new girlfriend
(sorry, ladies), who allegedly
values him for more than just
his appearance (imagine).
Attila described one night with
her as his perfect date: going to
a nice restaurant in New Jersey
then gazing at the New York
City skyline while, like all good
Garden Staters, wishing they
werent in New Jersey.
Rumpus would like to close
with a really meaningful story
Attila told us towards the end
of our interview. He was in the
Netherlands, visiting his old
mother country for New Years,
and people were lighting
fireworks in the streets. One
guy tried sticking one in his
ass. A big crowd of people
gathered around and he stuck it
into his pants and he lit it and
it blew up inside of him. In a
way, Attila implies, were ALL
shooting fireworks out of our
asses, thinking theyll find their
way into the Dutch night sky,
though that ultimately wont be
the case. Beautiful.
ZACHARY KREISER
you dont need our help with
that. Slay goddess. Fuqq it
upp.
CHASE AMMON

Photo by Alicia Lovelace and Adam Sokol

APRIL 2016

yalerumpus.com

Photo by Siddhi Surana

Typically, the biggest admirers
of 50 Mosters are the 50 Mosters
themselves. But this year, no one
was more excited that Rebecca Wei
(DC 16) was elected one of this
campuss foremost beauties than
her boyfriend.
Lee was thrilledhe couldnt
stop talking about it for a few
days after I told him, shared Wei.
Luckily for Rumpus and our Loyal
D u b b e d
c o nve n t i o n a l ly
attractive
Connor
by his peers, Connor
McLaughlin (MC 18)
is known to be the
most beautiful thing
out of New Jersey since
Snooki had a baby
and Springsteen
released Born in
the USA (stiff
competition). He
is also critically
acclaimed
as
one
of
the
hotter dudes, of
the Morse 11 pack,
where he struggles
to be beautiful in the
shadows of suitemates
Jason Gaitonde and
Bryan Herberta man
worthy of his own 50
Most center-fold, but
Rumpus digresses.
Connor
is
an
Electrical
Engineering /
Computer
Science
major who dabbled a
bit in robotics back in
high school, so he isnt
afraid to admit hes

Readers, Lee is too far away for the

streets of New Haven to hear him
sing her praises (or wed never hear
the end of it!). He lives in Germany,
where they met while Wei studied
abroad. Perfectly fluent in the
language, she intends to someday
move to the Land of Lederhosen.
Its a very socially-minded and
environmentally conscious place,
waxes Wei. And best of all, they

a STEM bro(Super
Titillating Engineering
Man). Connor isnt
the premier engineer
in his family, however.
His younger, and
reportedly
hotter,
brother is well on his
way to a Nobel Prize

interested in robotics.
You may know Connor
from his velvety vocals
in the Bakers Dozen,
but his talents run
deeper yet. Connor
has been moistening
loins since high school
when he played for his
first band.

CONNOR
MCLAUGHIN

Of course,
that
was
not until
most beautiful well after
MACBOOK PRO the horrors
of puberty.
for his innovations Things only started
and triumphs in the looking
up
once
Pinewood
Derby. Connor
abandoned
Allegations about the the
Trump-esque
illegal use of wheel coiffeur that often
bearings and moist made
passerbyers
lubricants
tarnish compliment
his
Brandons victory, but parents for Making
such claims are, in Americas Little Girls
fact, just hearsay.
Great Again. Now,
Genius aside, this the residual effects of
hunk also has a tender, Connors
awkward
musical side. Think years only survive in
Dwayne Johnson, but his wardrobe. Id say
not Dwayne Johnson, I dress somewhere
also more tender, between frat guy
more musical, and and confused middle

dont believe in
acquaintances
you have friends,
but dont have to
pretend to like
anyone who gets
into an elevator
with you. Wei
warns, however,
to expect people
to stare at you on
public transit
thats
pretty
normal. Rumpus
doesnt
really
know what Wei
is talking about
with
regards
to
elevators,
because nobody
we have ever rode
an elevator with
has been nice to
us. Were inclined
to think, though, that the public
transit staring is only because Wei
is as pretty as she is. Indeed, Wei
has often received special treatment
due to her superior looks.
When I was in Spain, I
received catcalls instead of racial
slurs. Now thats progress! But to
Rumpus shock, life was not always
this rosy for this econ major.
schooler;
Connor
confessed hes often
clad
in
WalMart
sweatpants, an Olaf
shirt, and a pastel
Vineyard Vines button
down combination.
In his free time,
Connor enjoys whiling
away
the
hours
with his girlfriend,
listening to his girl
Tay-Tay
Swizzle,
and frequenting his
favorite site, www.
trumpdonald.org.
When Rumpus asked
Connors beauty goals,
he said he is going to
make sure to enjoy
it while it lasts. My
dad was pretty hot,
but he peaked in his
sophomore year of
college.
HENRY
LOUGHIN

I was hit by the ugly stick for a

real long timeterrible glasses and
worse teeth will do that to a person,
she confided in us. Fortunately
for Wei, the foundations of her
attractiveness are not in years
of braces and contacts. With a
runners physique, no body hair,
and an inability to sweat, watching
her work out is like enjoying the
fifteen second Nike ad you have to
watch before 100 Hours of Eye of
the Tiger loads.
Just because shes naturally
#blessed, doesnt mean Wei
doesnt work hard to take care of
her appearance. She uses a fourstep face-cleansing routine that
she suspects is more psychological
than physical. Her routine
includes foams, toner, essences
(whatever the hell those are), and
moisturizer. A lot of steps for a
placebo, but if it aint broke, dont
fix it.
Unfortunately,
dear
pleb
reader, you cant be her lover or
acquaintance, but you surely can
be Weis friendeasy-going and
ready to laugh, shes delightful to
be around. But what exactly is she
looking for?
Silliness is a mustI
need to be with people I have fun

29

with and who can take a joke, said

Wei. Easily hurt pride doesnt do
it for me. No wonder she isnt
dating a Yalie.
Rumpus is so enamoured by
this fun-loving dime-piece that
were packing our bags to build
a life with her around sausage,
cheese, and copious amounts of

REBECCA
WEI

most beautiful

FRULEIN
beer. We changed our plans once
she informed us that Germany is
not quite the mecca promised in
Beerfest.
I will never own a dirndl,
she informs us. Unless its
Oktoberfest, or youre a weird old
person, people will just look at you
and wonder what hole you crawled
out of. Thats okay, Rebecca
were willing to crawl out of any
hole to spend time with you.
MARY KATE DILWORTH

Photo by Sarah Holder

and Magda Zielonka

30

RUMPUS

yalerumpus.com

Photo by Adam Sokol and Alicia Lovelace

Bout
damn
time,
Jonathan Holloway, Ph.D., GRD
1995, Dean of Yale College said
to us when we asked how he
reacted to learning that he was
on 50 Most. Just kidding, I was
actually petrified. He declined to
go into further detail about how
much he really loves Rumpus.
But Holloway is actually more about
quiet bravado than his wisecracks
would suggest. He explained to
us that his long, complex, and
ultimately triumphant relationship
with objective beauty all started
when Holloway dropped out
of high school calculus. It was
around that time that Holloway

met the woman he would later attended Stanford where he was an

marry, the same woman whom outside linebacker who participated
he describes as his beauty idol. in one single play throughout his
I happen to
entire career.
think my wife
To top it all
is just stunning.
off, Holloways
I dont think
fraternity
thats subjective.
house
was
most beautiful suspended by
Thats just the
fact. What was it
MARRIED DEAN MAN the national
then, that drove
c h a p t e r
Holloway and his future wife to and
subsequently
flattened
take some time off after high by an earthquake. Regardless,
school? We will never know. But we Holloways time in California
will not hesitate to forgo journalistic helped him develop into the
integrity
and
hypothesize. Beautiful Man Dean that he is
What we do know for sure about today. California is a lovely place;
those lost years is that Holloway California is gorgeous...but Im

DEAN
HOLLOWAY

from the East Coast, you know?

Its in my bones. But nothing
will beat the excitement of the
time when this thing called the
internet was sort of beginning,
Holloway waxes nostalgic on his
Bright College Years. Now he is
hooked on Netflix, OOh, but do I
chill? he jokes with us once again.
These days, he does chill, actually.
Once Holloway reconnected with
his wife, the rest was history. When
I saw her I guess...oof...I saw her
four times across six years, thats
probably about right...but when I
did see her I was like this is great, I
guess were going different ways...
but in April of 98, I dont know...

something had changed. It was

deep. He dressed up as groom
for their Halloween wedding.
Once
we
ascertained
that
Holloways wife is, in fact,
incredibly beautiful, we decided we
could take him at his word when
he dropped some mad wisdom
about life and love. On searching
for love, Holloway stresses the
really important things...integrity,
honesty, rooting for the underdog.
The rest of Holloways advice was
certainly poetic, but it ultimately
boils down to this: chill the fuck
out. Were paraphrasing, son.
ALICIA LOVELACE AND
ADAM SOKOL

yalerumpus.com

APRIL 2016

31

50 MOST LAUNCH PARTY

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APRIL 13 @ PARTNERS
$$$$$$69$

32

RUMPUS

yalerumpus.com

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