the resilience doughnut

last week i attended a forum at one of the schools. it was about how to produce resilience in children.
the theory has been developed by a psychologist and it seems to be achieving good things.

so, the whole idea is that there are seven factors influencing a child's ability to thrive

• education: if a child has a good connection to a person in the education system it's a good thing. the person will most likely be a teacher but it could be the canteen lady or the handyman or the cleaner
• peers: a strong connection to a peer group, preferably a group with a little bit of conflict
• money: a strong understanding of the relationship between work and money. kids who get their money too easily or are below the poverty line are both disadvantaged
• parents: a blend of authoritarian and nurturing parenting styles is the ideal mix. this might be provided by one parent or each parent might fall on one side of the equation, the important thing being a net balance
• skill: you know what a skill is, right? a kid doesnt have to play violin or something, just to have something they enjoy and do well. it pays to think out side the box on this one
• community: a strong connection to a community group counts. that might be a sporting club or a faith group or some other connection
• family: a strong connection with family, even if the kid seems not to like their family

when we want to use the resilience doughnut it is all about identifying which of these factors is strongest for a child (and that's seeing it from their point of view) and trying to get three of those factors to combine in one activity.

we were given the example of a group of young men (peers) who danced (skill) together casually, a teacher formalised the group (education) and those young men, marginalised when they started out, had better rates of school attendance, better grades and the group went on to dance at the winter olympics. there were flow on effects right through all aspects of the doughnut for those young fellas and it improved their chances in life.

the woman who developed the resilience doughnut wants to make money from it so there are books and training sessions and all kinds of things associated with it but even if we can be aware of the fundamentals, i think it is pretty helpful.

i'm also sure that a slightly revised version would be helpful for adults.

to take a look at the resilience doughnut as explained by it's creator click here

it's all in the detail

i sometimes have a quick squizz at "The Happiness Project" where Gretchen Rubin is spending the year writing about how to be happy.

her ruminations and research cover all kinds of ideas and she asks for her readers' input. in the last week or so she has mentioned a couple of rules people have given her as personal steps to happiness:

one was put your shoes on
sounds odd, doesn't it? but having read it i understand. putting shoes on, even for working at/from home, gives a sense of readiness. i always wear shoes at home for just that reason, i can move inside and out and back again without having to hassle around about shoes. i never thought about shoe wearing being a step to happiness but if it saves some frustration it is!

another was make the bed
this is again, about feeling that things are under control, about the link between visual and mental clutter

Ms Rubin doesn't say that we all should wear shoes all the time or that we all should make the bed all the time. her point is that we should identify things that we can do (or not do) in order to contribute to our individual sense of well being

i've been thinking about the things i do for the sake of my enjoyment of life

• turn off the noise. i have probably said so here before but i'll say it again. i really get tired of unneccessary noise. auditory clutter drives me bananas. the radio goes off. the tv goes off and sometimes the kids are sent to their rooms
• make the effort to cook and eat veggies. i know this would seem to be a no brainer but sometimes life is so busy that i find it hard to keep fresh vegetables in the house. if i just find the time and energy to get myself organised not only do we eat better but i feel like a better mum. and that is the point for me, avoiding the nagging sense of defeat that comes from serving meal that is low in vegetables. in support of this cause i have developed a love affair with
• pre-prepared salads. they have a range of different leaves in them and i dont have to cut and wash and store 5 different lettuces. i just get out the bag, add balsamic and olive oil and we have salad. it's too easy.

what sort of things do you do to up the happiness quotient?

someone sent me this in an email. i'm a bit crook for original thought right now but this one really is worth copying.
forgive me if you've seen it before

Written By Regina Brett, 90 years old, of The PlainDealer, Cleveland , Ohio
To celebrate growing older, I once wrote the 45 lessons life taught me.
It is the most requested column I've ever written.
My odometer rolled over to 90 in August, so here is the column once more:

1. Life isn't fair, but it's still good.
2. When in doubt, just take the next small step.
3. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone.
4. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends and parents will. Stay in touch.
5. Pay off your credit cards every month.
6. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.
7. Cry with someone. It's more healing than crying alone.
8. It's OK to get angry with God. He can take it.
9. Save for retirement starting with your first paycheck.
10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.
11. Make peace with your past so it won't screw up the present.
12. It's OK to let your children see you cry.
13. Don't compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.
14. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn't be in it.
15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye. But don't worry; God never blinks.
16. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.
17. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful.
18. Whatever doesn't kill you really does make you stronger.
19. It's never too late to have a happy childhood. But the second one is up to you and no one else.
20. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don't take no for an answer.
21. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie. Don't save it for a special occasion.... Today is special.
22. Over prepare, then go with the flow.
23. Be eccentric now. Don't wait for old age to wear purple.
24. The most important sex organ is the brain.
25 No one is in charge of your happiness but you.
26. Frame every so-called disaster with these words 'In five years, will this matter?'
27 Always choose life.
28. Forgive everyone everything.
29. What other people think of you is none of your business.
30. Time heals almost everything. Give time time.
31. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.
32. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.
33. Believe in miracles.
34. God loves you because of who God is, not because of anything you did or didn't do.
35. Don't audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.
36. Growing old beats the alternative -- dying young.
37. Your children get only one childhood.
38. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.
39. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.
40. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else's, we'd grab ours back.
41. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.
42. The best is yet to come.
43. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.
44. Yield.
45. Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift.

the end of happiness...........

this makes the end of my self-declared happiness week!
i thought i would leave you with an unusual version of The Beatitudes (Matthew 5:3-12)
it is a translation from the Aramaic rather than the more usual Greek

Tuned to The Source are those who live by breating unity

Blessed are those in turmoil; they shall be united inside by love

Healthy are those who have softened what is rigid within;they shall receive vigour and strength from the universe

Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for justice; they shall be surrounded by what is needed to sustain their bodies

Blessed are those who birth mercy; they shall feel it's warm arms embrace them

Aligned with the One are those whose lives radiate from a core of love; they will see God everywhere

Blessed are those who plant peace each season; they shall be named the children of God

Blessings to those who are dislocated for the cause of justice; their new home is the province of the universe

Renewal when you are reproached and driven away by the clamor of evil on all sides , for my sake...

Then, do everything extreme, including letting your ego disappear, for this is the secret of claiming your expanded home in the universe

Prayers of the Cosmos
Neil Douglas-Klotz

happy on saturday

i have been unsettled today, the girls have been afflicted with fever and coughs, the rain poured down, the car was out of service........

last weekend was one long frustration and the week has been frightfully busy so i had hoped to really enjoy this weekend and i was a bit disgruntled that it was all going pear shaped again.

then i went to the shops. i had to take back a rented dvd and while there i was tempted by persimmons and mandarins. we got some noodles to make fish soup for dinner and discovered pandan cake and kaya, foods of my husband's home malaysia that i have never seen in australia before, available in the local asian market.
as we shopped the rain bucketed and we got wetter
and colder
(and poorer)

then we came home

the girls were more miserable than ever

but the house was warm and dry
the soup was comforting and tasty, we had sticky date pudding for sweets.

the girls revived slightly
george (the mouse) rolled around hilariously in his exercise ball

it was home as home should be
suddenly the frustration evaporated

and i was happy

Do what you like

if you want to be happy, do the things you enjoy!

there is nothing to gain from righteous self-denial or from virtuous abstinence and when you do something you don't want to, or when you don't do something you do want to, nobody is actually counting the brownie points. nobody really cares and all your virtue goes unnoticed.
if it's not totally self destructive or reckless then you might as well enjoy. life is short.
if bonking like bunnies makes you happy you obviously haven't seen rabbits in the act and you probably should look for a new model of bliss but go ahead, have fun!

if you love a glass of red or a stunning bit of blue, indulge!
blog, read, paint, shop, run, swim, sing, laugh, play...........

have fun!

when life gives you lemons...........

i can't choose the hand i am dealt. i can't always control circumstances, i can't control "luck", lots and lots of things in life are seemingly random. i can choose to hate what life brings and be bitter, i can choose to dislike it and keep moving anyway, or i can choose to live with joy.

it's all a matter of choice

i don't get this right all the time. sometimes i choose to wallow, sometimes i don't choose to wallow but i have trouble staying out of the mud. making a choice to live with joy sometimes means there isn't much joy at all. sometimes it means sitting with pain or disappointment and accepting it graciously, learning and growing until i am ready to move forward. sometimes the closest i can get to being happy is not to fight against the bad bits, not to exhaust myself with anger at something i cannot change.

i can't stand people who are eternally cheery, not if it seems to be fake. i think there is a lot to be said for a little bit of whinging, just enough to acknowledge our humanity so i'm not advocating unending optimism and i'm not asking anybody to pretend. i'm not saying nothing should ever be tough but i am saying that we can always choose to make lemonade. some batches will be sweeter than others but lemonade is a handmade product and variations just prove it's authenticity :)

don't let anybody steal your joy

rule 2: don't let the turkeys get you down

there's quite a bit of wisdom in overused old cliches, that's how they got to be cliches!

this one applies in lots of ways but i want to tell you about a tidbit i read somewhere, sometime.

when somebody is angry and directing their anger at you, you have a few seconds ( i can't remember exactly, maybe eight seconds) to either absorb that anger or let it wash off.

i'm trying to train myself to recognise the anger and make a decision to let it go, before i get caught trying to deal with somebody else's crap.

if i absorb someone's fury it becomes my problem. if i pass it on it becomes a third person's problem. if i'm having a good day and i manage not to pass it on i still have to deal with it. i still have to process it and at the very least it takes energy. at worst it might damage me or my relationships.

happiness

everywhere i look these days there's some bozo writing a column or an article about happiness. how to be happy, what is happiness, what happens if one is not happy..........
i don't know why they bother, we all know that the person with the most toys is the happiest.....
anyway, i stumbled on a blog last night, it's all about one woman's one year project to test all the happiness theories. she has tips and quizzes and theories and well, stuff. a lot of stuff. you have to come up with a lot of stuff if you want to write about one subject for a year.
i did one of her quizzes. i didnt much like the results. so, my first rule of happiness is:

avoid all silly quizzes