1. I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesnt work that way.

So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness. 2. Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you w ith experience. 3. I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car. 4. Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. Yes is the answer. 5. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But its still on the list. 6. Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship. 7. We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police. 8. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak. 9. If I agreed with you wed both be wrong. 10. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public. 11. Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich. 12. Having sex is like playing bridge. If you dont have a good partner, youd bette r have a good hand. 13. War does not determine who is right only who is left. 14. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a frui t salad. 15. Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be change d regularly, and for the same reason. 16. Going to church doesnt make you a Christian any more than standing in a garag e makes you a car. 17. The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese. 18. Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk an d talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up. 19. My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch. 20. Evening news is where they begin with Good evening, and then proceed to tell y ou why it isnt. 21. If sex is a pain in the ass, then youre doing it wrong 22. A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.. 23. If you think nobody cares if youre alive, try missing a couple of payments. 24. Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all

doubt. 25. If God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining. 26. If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea does that mean that one enjoys it? 27. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research . 28. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks. 29. Some people are like Slinkies not really good for anything, but you cant help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs. 30. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the s ame night. 31. How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole b ox to start a campfire? 32. Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity , they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fis h? 33. I didnt fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian 34. A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you dont ne ed it. 35. A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing. 36. I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with Guess on itso I said Implants? 37. Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet? 38. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy. 39. Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says If an emergency, no tify: I put DOCTOR. Whats my mother going to do? 40. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. 41. The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room. 42. I didnt say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you. 43. Good girls are bad girls that never get caught. 44. God must love stupid people. He made SO many. 45. The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas! 46. Laugh at your problems, everybody else does. 47. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity. 48. Crowded elevators smell different to midgets.

49. Fighting for peace is like fucking for virginity. 50. Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful ma n is usually another woman. 51. The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girl s live. 52. The sole purpose of a childs middle name, is so he can tell when hes really in trouble. 53. Always borrow money from a pessimist. He wont expect it back. 54. He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame. 55. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice. 56. Never get into fights with ugly people, they have nothing to lose. 57. Its not the fall that kills you; its the sudden stop at the end. 58. Some people say If you cant beat them, join them. I say If you cant beat them, be at them, because they will be expecting you to join them, so you will have the el ement of surprise. 59. Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America? 60. Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat. 61. My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right. 62. We have enough gun control. What we need is idiot control. 63. I intend to live forever. So far, so good. 64. Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go. 65. A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip. 66. My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He s aid okay, youre ugly too. 67. Hospitality: making your guests feel like theyre at home, even if you wish th ey were. 68. Money cant buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with. 69. I discovered I scream the same way whether Im about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot. 70. I dont trust anything that bleeds for five days and doesnt die. 71. I shouldve known it wasnt going to work out between my ex-wife and me. After a ll, Im a Libra and shes a bitch.

72. I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, Im going to mop the floor with your face. I said, Youll be sorry. He said, Oh, yeah? Why? I said, Well

you wont be able to get into the corners very well. 73. Worrying works! 90% of the things I worry about never happen. 74. When in doubt, mumble. 75. I always take life with a grain of salt, plus a slice of lemon, and a shot of tequila. 76. Theres a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they cant get away. 77. A little boy asked his father, Daddy, how much does it cost to get married? Fa ther replied, I dont know son, Im still paying. 78. Just rememberif the world didnt suck, wed all fall off. 79. I used to be indecisive. Now Im not sure. 80. Youre never too old to learn something stupid. 81. Women may not hit harder, but they hit lower. 82. A bargain is something you dont need at a price you cant resist. 83. Jesus loves you, but everyone else thinks youre an asshole. 84. With sufficient thrust, pigs fly just fine. 85. Knowledge is power, and power corrupts. So study hard and be evil. 86. Nostalgia isnt what it used to be. 87. When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usua lly uses water. 88. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target. 89. You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together and th ere was only one life jacket Id miss you heaps and think of you often. 90. I like work. It fascinates me. I sit and look at it for hours. 91. A TV can insult your intelligence, but nothing rubs it in like a computer. 92. Hallmark Card: Im so miserable without you, its almost like youre still here. 93. If at first you dont succeed, skydiving is not for you! 94. A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it. 95. Some people hear voices.. Some see invisible people.. Others have no imagina tion whatsoever. 96. Virginity is like a soapbubble, one prick and it is gone. 97. If winning isnt everything why do they keep score?

98. Whoever coined the phrase Quiet as a mouse has never stepped on one. 99. If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people have mor e than one child. 100. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine. 101. Why is it that most nudists are people you dont want to see naked? 102. I dont suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it. 103. When you go into court, you are putting your fate into the hands of people who werent smart enough to get out of jury duty. 104. If you keep your feet firmly on the ground, youll have trouble putting on yo ur pants. 105. Whats the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale? A northern fairytale begins Once upon a time A southern fairytale begins Yall aint gon na believe this shit 106. Does this rag smell like chloroform to you? 107. You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese, the Swiss hol d the Americas Cup, France is accusing the U.S. of arrogance, Germany doesnt want to go to war, and the three most powerful men in America are named Bush, Dick, and Co lon. Need I say more? 108. Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word wh at you shouldnt have said. 109. Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die. 110. Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once. 111. If Bill Gates had a penny for every time I had to reboot my computeroh wait, he does. 112. The big difference between sex for money and sex for free is that sex for m oney usually costs a lot less. 113. I dont have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem. 114. George washington said We would have a black president when pigs fly! well, sw ine flu. 115. Haikus are easy. But sometimes they dont make sense. Refrigerator. 116. Children in the dark make accidents, but accidents in the dark make childre n. 117. Lifes a bitch, cause if it was a slut, itd be easy. 118. I have never understood why women love cats. Cats are independent, they dont listen, they dont come in when you call, they like to stay out all night, and wh en theyre home they like to be left alone and sleep. In other words, every qualit y that women hate in a man, they love in a cat. 119. You know your children are growing up when they stop asking you where they

came from and refuse to tell you where theyre going. 120. Deja Vu When you think youre doing something youve done before, its because Go d thought it was so funny, he had to rewind it for his friends. 121. The difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer is in t he taste. 122. Girls are like roads, more the curves, more the dangerous they are. 123. Money talksbut all mine ever says is good-bye. 124. It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial cost and blamed i t on the cost of living. 125. By the time a man realises that his father was right, he has a son who thin ks hes wrong. 126. By the time you learn the rules of life, youre too old to play the game. 127. Does time fly when youre having sex or was it really just one minute? 128. If youre looking for sympathy, youll find it in the dictionary between shit and syphilis 129. Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them? 130. Keep the dream alive: Hit the snooze button. 131. I dont have a beer gut, I have a protective covering for my rock hard abs. 132. Build a man a fire, and hell be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and hell b e warm for the rest of his life. 133. Why is it called tourist season if we cant shoot them? 134. We have all heard that a million monkeys banging on a million typewriters w ill eventually reproduce the entire works of Shakespeare. Now, thanks to the Int ernet, we know this is not true. 135. Who was the first to see a cow and think I wonder what will happen if I sque eze these dangly things and drink whatever comes out? 136. Panties not best thing on earth, but next to it. 137. Remember, if you smoke after sex youre doing it too fast. 138. Why didnt Noah swat those two mosquitoes? 139. Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate. 140. The difference between in-laws and outlaws? Outlaws are wanted. 141. If you can stay calm while all around you is chaos, then you probably havent completely understood the situation. 142. You know, they got a luggage store in the airport? A place to buy a piece o f luggage? How late do you have to be for a flight where youre like, Fuck it just grab a pile of shit. Well get a bag at the airport.

143. Its amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world everyday alway s just exactly fits the newspaper. 144. Hard work never killed anyone, but why take the chance? 145. Without nipples, breasts would be pointless. 146. According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that w omen are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful. 147. I have all the money Ill ever need if I die by 4:00 p.m. today. 148. Experience is what you get when you didnt get what you wanted. 149. Two years ago I married a lovely young virgin, and if that doesnt change soo n, Im gonna divorce her. 150. Dogs have masters. Cats have staff. 151. Isnt it odd the way everyone automatically assumes that the goo in soap disp ensers is always soap? I like to fill mine with mustard, just to teach people a lesson in trust. 152. Well arent you a waste of two billion years of evolution. 153. The right to be heard does not automatically include the right to be taken seriously. 154. When you choke a smurf, what color does it turn? 155. Archeologist: someone whose carreer lies in ruins. 156. Join The Army, visit exotic places, meet strange people, then kill them. 157. Women should not have children after 35. Really 35 children are enough. 158. Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cl eaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give their v acuum one more chance? 159. I dont have an attitude; I have a personality you cant handle. 160. I married Miss Right. I just didnt know her first name was Always. 161. The probability of someone watching you is proportional to the stupidity of your action. 162. Impotence: Natures way of saying No hard feelings. 163. Do you realize that in about 40 years, well have thousands of old ladies run ning around with tattoos? 164. There are three kinds of people: The ones who learn by reading. The ones wh o learn by observation. And the rest of them who have to touch the fire to learn its hot. 165. We are all time travelers moving at the speed of exactly 60 minutes per hou r

166. America is a country which produces citizens who will cross the ocean to fi ght for democracy but wont cross the street to vote. 167. To err is human, to blame it on somebody else shows management potential. 168. Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers. 169. Only in America do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to th e counters. 170. Vegetarian: Native American definition for lousy hunter. 171. Materialism: buying things we dont need with money we dont have to impress pe ople that dont matter. 172. The Miss Universe pageant is fixed. All the winners are from Earth. 173. It matters not whether you win or lose: what matters is whether I win or lo se. 174. If you cant convince them, confuse them. 175. Dont piss me off! Im running out of places to hide the bodies. 176. Progress is made by lazy men looking for an easier way to do things. 177. See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time. 178. I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and I think, Well, thats not going to happen. 179. Smith & Wesson: The original point and click interface. 180. The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense. 181. 100,000 sperm and you were the fastest? 182. I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said Are you going to help? I said No, six should be enough. 183. A friend is someone who will help you move. A GOOD friend is someone who wi ll help you move a dead body. 184. Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are g etting weak? 185. Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he n ever forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is. 186. What if there were no hypothetical questions? 187. For every action, there is a corresponding over-reaction. 188. Im a humble person, really. Im actually much greater than I think I am. 189. Why is it called Alcoholics ANONYMOUS when the first thing you do is stand up and say, My name is Peter and I am an alcoholic

190. The best way to lie is to tell the truth, carefully edited truth. 191. Every day, man is making bigger and better fool-proof things, and every day , nature is making bigger and better fools. So far, I think nature is winning. 192. I dont have a solution, but I do admire the problem. 193. The hardest thing to learn in life is which bridge to cross and which to bu rn. 194. People tend to make rules for others and exceptions for themselves. 195. There are two kinds of friends : those who are around when you need them, a nd those who are around when they need you. 196. Dont steal. Thats the governments job. 197. A celebrity is someone who works hard all his life to become known and then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized. 198. They call it pms because mad cow disease was already taken. 199. IRS: Weve got what it takes to take what youve got. 200. Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you havent fallen aslee p yet. 201. Sometimes the best helping hand you can give is a good, firm push. 202. What is the most important thing to learn in chemistry? Never lick the spoon. 203. Lite: the new way to spell Light, now with 20% fewer letters! 204. Unless youre the lead dog, the view never changes. 205. A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good. 206. No one is listening until you fart. 207. Only dead fish go with the flow. 208. Why dont you slip into something more comfortablelike a coma. 209. Drink coffee! Do stupid things faster with more energy! 210. This isnt an office. Its hell with fluorescent lighting. 211. A positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enou gh people to make it worth the effort. 212. Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and goo d-looking? Because those men already have boyfriends. 213. Lifes like a bird, its pretty cute until it shits on your head. 214. Im multi-talented: I can talk and piss you off at the same time. 215. I was such an ugly kid. When I played in the sandbox the cat kept covering me up.

216. The easiest job in the world has to be coroner. Surgery on dead people. Wha ts the worst thing that could happen? If everything went wrong, maybe youd get a p ulse. 217. Foreign Aid: The transfer of money from poor people in rich countries to ri ch people in poor countries. 218. How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word? Get anoth er sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*! 219. 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. Its either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think its Colin. 220. If corn oil comes from corn, where does baby oil come from? 221. Who lit the fuse on your tampon? 222. True friendship comes when the silence between two people is comfortable. 223. The trouble with being punctual is that nobodys there to appreciate it. 224. If Id shot you sooner, Id be out of jail by now. 225. Insanity is hereditary. You get it from your kids. 226. Everything is edible, some things are only edible once. 227. What has four legs and an arm? A happy pit bull. 228. If Wal-Mart is lowering prices every day, why isnt anything in the store is free yet? 229. There are no winners in lifeonly survivors. 230. Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it, misdiagnosing it an d then misapplying the wrong remedies. 240. Just about the time when you think you can make ends meet, somebody moves t he ends. 241. Wise people think all they say, fools say all they think. 242. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor. 243. The knack of flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and mis s. 244. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one youve never tried before. 245. Its so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say and then dont say it. 246. We are all part of the ultimate statistic ten out of ten die. 247. Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia: Fear of long words. 248. A committee is twelve men doing the work of one.

249. Ever notice that people who spend money on beer, cigarettes, and lottery ti ckets are always complaining about being broke and not feeling well? 250. If everything seems to be coming your way, youre probably in the wrong lane. 251. Im in shape. Round is a shape isnt it 252. When we were together, you always said youd die for me. Now that weve broke u p, I think its time you kept your promise! 253. She said she was approaching forty, and I couldnt help wondering from what d irection. 254. If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the fro nt door, who do you let in first? The dog, of course. Hell shut up once you let h im in. 255. During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel. 256. They keep saying the right person will come along, I think mine got hit by a truck. 257. I said no to drugs, but they just wouldnt listen. 258. Alcoholism is the only disease that tries to convince you that you dont have it. 259. I sometimes go to my own little world, but thats okay, they know me there. 260. I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me. 261. My drinking team has a bowling problem. 262. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well. 263. Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection? 264. Its not how good your work is, its how well you explain it. 265. Seen it all, done it all, cant remember most of it. 266. I wanna hang a map of the world in my house. Then Im gonna put pins into all the locations that Ive traveled to. But first, Im gonna have to travel to the top two corners of the map so it wont fall down. 267. If a leper gives you the finger, do you have to give it back? 268. Losing a husband can be hard: in my case it was almost impossible. 269. Efficiency is a highly developed form of laziness. 270. If a turtle doesnt have a shell, is he homeless or naked? 271. Anyone who has never made a mistake has never tried anything new. 272. Failure is not falling down, it is not getting up again. 273. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed

274. The best thing about living at the beach is that you only have assholes on three sides of you. 275. Silence doesnt mean your sexual performance left her speechless. 276. The farther away the future is, the better it looks. 277. Why is it that in the US: If you take off all your clothes and walk down th e street waving a machete and firing an Uzi, terrified citizens will phone the p olice and report: Theres a naked person outside! 278. Canadians are more polite when they are being rude than Americans are when they are being friendly. 279. Never test the depth of the water with both feet. 280. I tried to hang myself with a bungee chord. I kept almost dying 281. Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? Hes all right now. 282. I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what Im doing. 283. Some of us learn from the mistakes of others; the rest of us have to be the others. 284. You are depriving some poor village of its idiot. 285. Discretion is being able to raise your eyebrow instead of your voice. 286. Every so often, I like to go to the window, look up, and smile for a satell ite picture. 287. At every party there are two kinds of people: those who want to go home and those who dont. The trouble is, they are usually married to each other. 288. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a flat ti re. 289. Constipated people dont give a crap. 290. Why is a bra singular and panties plural? 291. Be safety conscious. 80% of people are caused by accidents. 292. Without ME, its just AWESO. 293. If you do not say it, they cant repeat it. 294. I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older. Then it dawned on me they were cramming for their finals. 295. Be careful of your thoughts, they may become words at any moment. 296. If you dont care where you are, then you aint lost. 297. Your gene pool could use a little chlorine. 298. You can easily judge the character of a man by how he treats those who can

do nothing for him. 299. I pretend to work as long as they pretend to pay me. 300. You ever make fun of someone so much, you think you should thank them for a ll the good times youve had? 301. You have two choices in life: You can stay single and be miserable, or get married and wish you were dead. 302. I am not a vegetarian because I love animals. I am a vegetarian because I h ate plants. 303. Roses are red violets are blue, Im schizophrenic and so am I. 304. Ham and Eggs: A days work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig. 305. If the number 2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still number 2? 306. Dont hate me because Im beautiful. Hate me because your boyfriend thinks so. 307. Everyone has the right to be stupid, but you are abusing the privilege! 308. The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody apprec iates how difficult it was. 309. The human brain is a wonderful thing. It starts working the moment you are born, and never stops until you stand up to speak in public. 310. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I m ay not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me the hell alone. 311. Strangers have the best candy. 312. Rap is to music as Etch-A-Sketch is to art. 313. Men are like mascara, they usually run at the first sign of emotion. 314. Trust but verify. 315. The difference between divorce and legal separation is that a legal separat ion gives a husband time to hide his money. 316. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing. 317. The last time I was inside a woman was when I went to the Statue of Liberty . 318. Why do women always ask questions that have no right answers? 319. I ran into my ex the other day, hit reverse, and ran into him again. 320. If a mute kid swears does his mother wash his hands with soap? 321. How do you get holy water? Boil the hell out of it. 322. Id kill for a Nobel Peace Prize. 323. Why do you need a drivers license to buy liquor when you cant drink and drive

? 324. Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink I feel shamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didnt drink this beer, they might be out of work and thei r dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, It is better that I drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver. 325. Your kid may be an honors student, but youre still an idiot. 326. Insanity is defined as doing the same thing over and over again, expecting different results. 327. Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stu pider than that. 328. It was love at first sight. Then I took a second look !! 329. Everybody is somebody elses weirdo. 330. I think, therefore Im single. 331. It aint the jeans that make your butt look fat. 332. Should crematoriums give discounts for burn victims? 333. When you stop believing in Santa Claus is when you start getting clothes fo r Christmas! 334. I bet you I could stop gambling. 335. The only difference between the people Ive dated and Charles Manson is that Manson has the decency to look like a nut case when you first meet him. 336. Sex on tv cant hurt unless you fall off. 337. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasnt much, but the reception was excellent. 338. Who invented the brush they put next to the toilet? That thing hurts! 339. If a dog sniffs your ass, youre probably a bitch. 340. Never agree to plastic surgery if the doctors office is full of portraits by Picasso. 341. Accept it. Your parents HAVE had sex before. 342. 668 The neighbour of the beast. 343. I love oral sexits the phone bill I hate. 344. Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope. 345. Children in the back seats of cars cause accidents, but accidents in the ba ck seats of cars cause children. 346. Ive learned that the people you care most about in life are taken from you t oo soon and all the less important ones just never go away.

347. The last time someone listened to a Bush, a bunch of people wandered in the desert for 40 years! 348. Squirrels natures speed bumps. 349. When you go to the drugstore, why are the condoms not in with the other par ty supplies? 350. Its bad luck to be superstitious. 351. There are two kinds of people who dont say much: those who are quiet and tho se who talk a lot. 352. The reason grandchildren and grandparents get along so well is because they have a common enemy. 353. Friends are like condoms: They protect you when things get hard. 354. With a calendar, your days are numbered. 355. If its true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the other s here for? 356. The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette. 357. Its not the bullet that kills you, its the hole. 358. I ran three miles today. Finally I said, Lady take your purse. 359. If good things come in small packages, then more good things can come in la rge packages. 360. You may have a heart of gold, but so does a hard-boiled egg. 361. My wife ran off with my best friend last week. I miss him! 362. A woman has got to love a bad man once or twice in her life, to be thankful for a good one. 363. A cat, by any other name, is still a sneaky little furball that barfs on th e furniture. 364. Laugh and the world laughs with you. Snore and you sleep alone 365. Being in a nudist colony probably takes all the fun out of Halloween. 366. Married men live longer than single men, but theyre a lot more willing to di e. 367. If life hands you lemons, break out the tequila! 368. Beauty is only skin deepbut ugly goes all the way to the bone! 369. A cheap shot is a terrible thing to waste. 370. A hard thing about a business is minding your own. 371. Most women dont know where to look when theyre eating a banana. 372. If you go to sleep with a itching ass you will wake up with a stinking fing

er 373. Does time fly when youre having sex or was it really just one minute? 374. We are all time travelers moving at the speed of exactly 60 minutes per hou r 375. If youre going to ride my ass at least pull my hair and make me scream! 376. The big difference between sex for money and sex for free is that sex for m oney usually costs a lot less.