The Journal of Immaterial Science

Half-Arsed Papers

Immaterials and Methods: Reagents for the Total

Laboratory Synthesis of the Chocolate Chip Cookie Table 1: Reagent list for chocolate chip cookies, accompanied by
amounts necessary from. 2 Units converted from freedom units to the
Cannot Goodenough more useful units for readability.
Ark Night University, Gaul, Terra
With the list of ingredients compiled, a comprehensive
Scientists have long wondered what laboratory reagents they computational search was conducted across all publicly
might consume and survive on in the event of entrapment in available Si/g//ma-*ldrich products to find acceptable
the laboratory (resulting from natural disaster or zombie representatives for each of the ingredients. As previously
apocalypse, not just being in academia).1 Tragically, this is not mentioned, one notable limitation of this methodology is the
a hypothetical scenario. This year, a PhD student starved to requisite use of powdered egg, as a carton of one dozen eggs
death when a delivery of solvent drums from 2020 was placed was not available from scientific suppliers and would probably
across the doorway to his lab. His corpse was found three weeks cost one gajillion dollars if it was anyways. From these reagents,
later, still clutching a flask of tryptophan. The coroner ruled that the total cost of the multiples of each necessary has been
the student had died while attempting to construct a scotch summed, giving us a value of $30031.70, representative of a
fillet by peptide coupling. theoretical yield of 25-30 cookies2 (Table 2).
If asked “what would you eat first if you were trapped in here?”
most scientists would choose the humble LB broth, and reagent- Unit
Description SKU Total price
grade glucose and sodium chloride for seasoning. Traditionally, price
the holy trinity of disallowed lab consumables includes MilliPure Coconut oil, 1000
46949 $94.70 $16761.90
water, 200 proof ethanol, and the aforementioned LB. Here, I mg
propose a fourth member of the quadrinity, and present the Vanillin,
following list of reagents necessary to perform the chocolate ReagentPlus 99%, V1104-2G $31.40 $314.00
chip cookie reaction and discuss associated costs and benefits. 2g
Whole egg powder,
NIST1845A $1,960 $3920.00
NIST, 5x 10g
Sucrose, molecular
S0389-
biology >99.5%, $45.00 $45.00
500G
500g
Wheat flour, NIST,
NIST1567B $971.00 $6797.00
50g
Figure 1: One (1) chocolate chip cookie. (Source: Evan-Amos CC BY-SA
Sodium chloride,
3.0 via Wikimedia Commons S3014-
molecular biology $48.20 $48.20
500G
>99%, 500g
One notable limitation of the laboratory synthesis of chocolate
Sodium
chip cookies (historically known as ChoChiCO, or fraction 1
bicarbonate, S8875-
cookie) (Fig. 1) is the lack of availability for fresh ingredients, $42.90 $42.90
ReagentPlus 500G
primarily dairy (e.g. butter). I have found a protocol from the
>99.5%, 500g
literature that describes the butterless synthesis of chocolate
Baking chocolate,
chip cookies,2 though I speculate that the recently discovered NIST2384 $2,040.00 $2040.00
NIST, 5x 91g
debutterification reaction may have significant implications for
Water, nuclease-
the performance of this reaction.3 Nevertheless, the dairy-free W4502-1L $62.70 $62.70
free, 1L
ingredient list is presented in (Table 1). Values for ingredients
$30031.70
that are measured in nonstandard units (ex. one egg) are best
Table 2: Descriptions, stock keeping unit (SKU) numbers, unit prices,
approximations according to Google Search.
and total prices of reagents for the synthesis of laboratory grade
chocolate chip cookies. Total price includes the minimum number of
Ingredient Amount
units necessary for the required amounts shown in Table 1. Prices were
Coconut oil 177 mL (3/4 cup)
recorded on 3/15/2022.
Vanilla extract 8.68g (2 tsp)
Eggs 56.7g (2 eggs, rehydrated) Conclusion
White sugar 300g (1 1/2 cup) Though I have not discussed the means by which to bake the
Flour 340g (2 1/2 cups) cookie reactions, it is not outside the realm of possibility to find
communal laboratory equipment capable of sustaining the
Salt 4.5g (3/4 tsp)
output necessary for a perfectly chewy, gooey cookie. This line
Baking Soda 5g (1 tsp)
of reasoning has been recently explored by an Italian group of
Chocolate 170g (1 cup)
scientists that have utilized an autoclave to make yeast-free
Water 118.29 mL (1/2 cup for eggs)
pizza crusts, going to show that anything is possible.4

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Half-Arsed Papers The Journal of Immaterial Science

A potential follow-up experiment would entail quenching the

products of the cookie reaction in resuspended powdered milk,
which is likely present in large quantities around protein
biochemists or anyone with the misfortune of running Western
blots. While I would anticipate the results of quenching to be
somewhat delicious, I further postulate that this would still be
better than drinking LB to survive.
Further refinement of this recipe is most certainly possible in
order to optimize the reagents used and to reduce cost.
However, $30031.70 is a small price to pay for a freshly baked
laboratory cookie, and I will die on this hill.
Acknowledgements
The author would like to thank C.O.B. for consuming all cookies
and biscuits during the preparation of this manuscript.
Author Contributions
All presented information has been compiled by C.G. during a
bout of late-night hunger in the lab.
About the Authors
C.G. is a former Ph.D. candidate who has now moved into sales.
Conflicts of Interest
C.G. has stolen unintellectual property from Ligma-Aldrich.
Notes and references
1 Ask your coworker, they’ve probably thought about this already
2 https://www.lifeasastrawberry.com/butterless-chocolate-chip-
cookies/
3 “Debuttering: Not With That Attitude” Boop D.G., Stilles N.P.,
Harbor, C.S. 2022, J. Immat. Sci. 2. 43–44.
4 P. R. Avallone, P. Iaccarino, N. Grizzuti, R. Pasquino, E. Di Maio,
Rheology-driven design of pizza gas foaming. Physics of Fluids. 34,
033109 (2022).

68 | J. Immat. Sci, 2022, 2 This journal is © The Imperial Society of Chemistry 2022