Are you in a toxic relationship?

Most of us have been involved in a toxic relationship at some point in our lives, whether it was in
the personal or business sphere—and whether we knew it at the time or not. Of course, no
relationship is perfect, but there are certain people with whom a healthy relationship is
unattainable and you just have to get out.

While good relationships provide a feeling of security, happiness, respect, and freedom, toxic
relationships spread through you like poison from the hands of people who only care about
themselves, and it can turn you into someone you may not even recognize.

Whether it’s in the workplace, among friends, or in a romantic partner, if you’re feeling drained
of your energy and joy, it’s time to re-evaluate those relationships. Check out this gallery to see
some red flags.

It’s all take and no give

To sustain a good relationship, you need both. If you’re constantly giving without receiving,
you’ll soon be running on empty.

Always judging and criticizing you

It’s okay to have opinions, but when it’s constant criticism that is not intended to be helpful, it’s
a toxic attempt to belittle you.

Endless narcissism
If the person only cares to frame everything around themselves, from daily conversations to the
entire relationship, you will never be considered an equal partner in the way you should be.

Lack of trust
No relationship can progress without trust. If you don’t trust them, why stick around? You'll both
be endlessly putting out illusory fires.

Feeling drained
Good relationships should lift you up and add something to your life. If you’re not being your
happy and productive self, and you’re always mentally, emotionally, and even physically
exhausted, take a step back.
Betraying yourself
Acting against your own opinions and morals, and instead changing them to match someone
else’s, is a sign of a damaging relationship.

Lack of support
What reason is there to engage in a relationship if you can never rely on one another?

Bad-mouthing others
If someone talks poorly about others to you, they’re likely trying to get you on their side, and it
shows what kind of person they are—you never know if they're talking about you like that.

Feeling like you can’t do anything right

When this happens, it's not so much about what you do, but rather it's about how you feel. When
nothing you do is right, it’s likely the relationship is wrong.

Constant hostility
Feeling constantly angry or unsafe can take a real toll on every part of your life and is a sure sign
of an unhealthy relationship.

It brings out the worst in you

Harmful relationships have a way of bringing out nasty traits, sometimes just as a means of
coping. Good relationships should challenge you to be better.

A pattern of disrespect
If they don’t respect your space, your time, your feelings, your opinion, etc., it's time to get out
of that relationship.

Blame game
If someone is constantly blaming others or outside factors for their own behavior or actions, that
means they’re not willing to admit their mistakes. This makes it impossible to deal with conflict
constructively.

Screaming fights
If your conflicts are always explosive and lead to drastic words or actions, there is great cause for
concern.
Experiencing low self-esteem
Being in a relationship with someone who doesn’t acknowledge your value can make it very
difficult to see it in yourself, which can lead to a whole roster of problems.

Overflowing negativity
Negativity is contagious, and it will seep into various parts of your life. Toxic relationships can
darken your entire outlook on life.

Controlling behavior
Do you feel completely in control of your own actions, schedule, and opinions? Do you feel free
to express your true feelings? If not, that's a red flag.

Nonstop drama
Good relationships can have drama, but they aren’t a constant mess. If you’re constantly venting
about the latest episode in your relationship, change the channel.

Avoiding each other

This is a pretty straightforward sign that something’s not working, and yet sometimes it’s hard to
recognize it in yourself until you really pay attention. It can even be when you’re with each
other.

You’ve lowered your standards

Toxic relationships have an uncanny ability to cause us to slowly start accepting things we
wouldn’t have accepted before.

Feeling like you can’t leave

If you’ve thought about ending the relationship but you feel you can’t for some reason pertaining
to the other person’s benefit, it's likely they've purposely entrapped you.

Constantly being undermined

This is a power tactic, and when a relationship becomes a game of power, it’s no longer healthy.

Feeling unworthy of something better

Part of the trick of maintaining toxic relationships is making you feel like you don’t deserve any
better, and therefore you don’t seek any better.
Steeped in envy
In a positive relationship, difference is a source of strength. In toxic relationships, envy can cause
people to do mean things to try and level the other.

You have no autonomy

You should always have the freedom to make decisions of your own in a relationship.

Lack of communication
There can be no relationship without proper, two-sided communication.

Demanding special treatment

If someone is always requiring special treatment, whether to submit something after the deadline
or asking you to break your own rules for them, it’s a clear sign they don’t respect you.

Passive aggression
This toxic form of anti-communication fosters a spiteful atmosphere where none of the real
problems are addressed and more are taken on. You should feel comfortable to openly express
your feelings and desires.

Unending lies
Dishonesty is a prominent tool used in manipulation, and from dishonesty comes distrust,
hostility, and toxicity.

You’re just not happy anymore

If someone is constantly making you unhappy, you owe it to yourself to let that person go.

What would you tell a friend if they were in this

relationship?
Sometimes framing your relationship using someone else you care about and imagining what
advice you’d give them can help you recognize how toxic the relationship is.
10 Ways to End a Toxic Relationship
 
A common mistake many of us make is letting people stick around far longer than they
deserve. Toxic people would rather stop speaking to you than apologize when they’re
wrong. They do not thank you, compliment you, listen to you, or give you credit. Whether a
friend, partner, colleague, or family member, toxic people feel entitled to be disrespectful. 

© PeopleImages - Getty Images It might be time to detoxify your social circle.“There are
many types of toxic relationships such as a controlling or manipulative, negative, self-
centred or narcissistic, dishonest, insecure, abusive, blaming or demanding and competitive,
and secretive, and dramatic,” says Catherine Jackson, a licensed clinical psychologist and
neurotherapist based in Chicago. Understanding what type of toxic relationship you're in
can help you end it in the best way.
1. Recognize that you're in a toxic relationship.

Fran Walfish, PsyD, a psychotherapist based in Beverly Hills, offers the following nine subtle
signs of a toxic relationship:

1. They exhibit excessively charming and ingratiating behaviour.

2. They use the silent treatment as a means of control.
3. They force you to mind-read and guess, then act vindictive when you are wrong.
4. They use “poison delegation” (asking you to do something for them, saying they
can’t do it for themselves, but whatever you do is met with harsh criticism).
5. They constantly correct you.
6. They lie to you.
7. They use “projective identification” (the abuser treats you as if you did something
wrong, and if you deny it, they confirm your behaviour as justification for the
accusation).
8. They use sexual manipulation.
9. They use denial to convince you their actions are to help you become a better
person.

It is common to be in a toxic relationship without even being aware that the relationship is
toxic. “In a toxic marriage or romantic relationship, people are often told that the reason
their partner is so angry, upset, unloving, or abusive toward them is because of something
they did to cause it,” says Lisa Marie Bobby, PhD, a psychologist based in Denver. It’s similar
within a toxic work environment, where your boss will imply or outright state, The reason we
are treating you this way is because you are not doing a good enough job.  Regarding toxic
romantic relationships, a key indicator is the marked difference between how your partner
speaks to you in public versus private.
2. Look for patterns from childhood.

The type of toxic relationship that most concerns Carissa Coulston, PhD, a psychologist at
the University of Sydney, is the parental bond from childhood that repeats in adulthood.
“The effects of your childhood upbringing extend into adult relationships, where you find
lovers who fill the void your parents created," she says. "Maybe, like your parents, they never
make you the number one priority, or always leave you feeling like you need to work harder
to gain approval." But, it’s not necessary to return to your parents for approval or
reconciliation. “By releasing the past, it is possible for you to alter the way you look at
potential partners in a way that enables you to achieve romantic success with a person who
empowers you,” says Dr. Coulston.
3. Prepare your finances.

“Many relationships that are toxic, including with family, remain toxic because of financial
control,” says Mary Joye, LMHC, a psychotherapist and counsellor based in Florida. “Family
members have less control over those who have their own independence financially and in
all aspects of their life." So, if that means you have to spend a couple months or even a year
getting your financials in shape before cutting off contact, put your initial energy toward
achieving that goal.

4. Seek outside help.

“It often takes an outside perspective of a therapist, coach, or insightful friend to help
someone understand that they are not actually at fault," says Dr. Bobby. If you suspect
you're in a toxic relationship, the best thing you can do is to find healthy, supportive
relationships with other people to help strengthen you, shift away from blaming yourself,
and help you start planning your escape strategy." This premise is reinforced by Dr.
Coulston, who emphasizes that, “an appropriate professional, such as a clinical psychologist,
can help you learn how to challenge and re-shape your unhealthy core beliefs.”

5. Speak up for yourself.

Many of us ignore adverse behaviours simply to avoid confrontation, or because using

reason and rationale with someone irrational can prove futile. Speak up confidently and say
that you do not condone the disrespect directed toward you—particularly in instances of
verbal abuse or physical abuse. In such situations, Carla Marie Manly, PhD, a clinical
psychologist and author based in California, based in recommends using a quick comment
and an exit from the situation such as: “I feel hurt when you swear at me. I’m leaving the
party now and hope that next time you will talk kindly to me.” Dr. Manly adds, “We can’t
change the toxic people into non-toxic people, but we can work on being less reactive.”

6. Create boundaries, and stick to them.

Setting boundaries isn’t rude—it’s an act of self-care. “Most toxic people derive their
influence because they prey on the difficulty that kind people have in setting boundaries,”
says Forrest Talley, PhD, at Invictus Psychological Services. To start, Sherianna Boyle, MEd
CAGS, an adjunct professor of psychology at Cape Cod Community College, recommends
putting verbal limits in place. “For example, rather than allow a person to extensively vent
their problems or opinions while you attempt to work, let them know you are not available
right now.” And no, family isn't an exception. “Never assume that just because someone is
family they are allowed to mistreat you," says Karin R. Lawson PsyD, a psychologist based in
Miami. "All relationships need boundaries, which is the line you get to draw
in each relationship you have."
7. Do a digital detox.

You'll need to manage your social media relationship with the person, too. We often fear
unfriending or blocking toxic people on social media because of potential backlash. But
sometimes, that's what it takes. “You may want to make a clean break by quickly stating
things are over and removing them from your social media and having no further contact
with them,” says Dr. Jackson. If you’re not ready to remove someone from social media
completely, you still have privacy options such as unfollowing or muting, and they never
have to know.

8. Prepare for the counterstrike.

When it's clear to a toxic person that you're distancing yourself from them or cutting off the
relationship, they may try to “punish” you by avoidance, or they will redouble their efforts to
keep the dynamic going. But you have to stick to your guns. “If you deviate from this role of
the patient, boundary-less being that the toxic subject needs you to be (aka, you have
needs, rights, feelings, boundaries or opinions that are not gratifying to the toxic person)
you are punished,” says Dr. Bobby. Stay resolute in plans to extricate yourself.

9. If you can't break ties, limit contact.

There are circumstances that require people to remain connected to a toxic person, like
toxic coworkers, a narcissistic boss, or sharing custody of children with a toxic ex. Or, “they
may choose to remain married to a toxic spouse in order to protect their children from
having to endure the toxic relationship alone were they to split custody,” says Dr. Bobby. In
such cases, it’s best to minimize the toxic person's access to you and their ability to affect
you. She adds that, “understanding that you will never feel loved or supported by them and
that they are not emotionally safe people (and never will be) can be liberating in that you
stop feeling upset or hurt when they behave the way they do.”

10. Try the Gray Rock Method.

“If you have to be around the abuser, try to stay neutral and unemotional,” says Christine
Scott-Hudson, MA, LMFT, a marriage and family therapist in California. “Abusers thrive on
intensity, so making yourself as boring and uninteresting as possible can be a protective
measure.” Nadene van der Linden, a clinical psychologist based in Australia, calls this
response the Gray Rock Method. The idea is that you keep your head down and blend into
your setting—like a grey rock. The toxic person will move on to someone else to get what
they need instead.