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Post-Breakup Do's and Don'ts

Medically reviewed by Janet Brito, Ph.D., LCSW, CST — Written by Crystal Raypole on
September 30, 2019

Boundaries Self-care Social media Living together Mutual friends

Polyamory Asking for help

Breakups and the emotions they bring up are complicated. Relief, confusion, heartbreak,
grief — all of these are perfectly normal reactions to the end of a relationship. Even if
things end in healthy and productive way, you’ll probably still be left with some
uncomfortable feelings.

These tips can help you begin the process of picking up the pieces and moving forward.
Just remember, you will get through it, regardless of how hard things feel right now.

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Establishing boundaries
It’s sometimes easy to avoid crossing paths with an ex-partner after a breakup. But if you
live in a small town or know a lot of the same people, you might have a harder time
completely separating your lives.

Setting clear boundaries for future contact can help make the breakup easier for you both.

Take some time apart

Even if you both know you want to maintain a friendship, a little space for some time won’t
hurt. Taking a break from texting and hanging out can help you both start healing.

Licensed marriage and family therapist Katherine Parker suggests waiting

between 1 and 3 months before getting back in touch with your ex if that’s
something you’re interested in.

This gives you time to focus on yourself, she says. It can also help you avoid falling into a
harmful pattern of offering emotional support to your ex-partner and prolonging the
breakup.

Respect each other’s needs

If you want to stay friends but your ex doesn’t want any contact, you need to respect that.
Don’t call, text, or ask their friends to talk to them for you.

You might miss them dearly, but not respecting their boundaries will likely hurt any future
chance of friendship.

Alternately, if your ex contacts you, especially before you’re ready to talk, don’t feel
obligated to respond. This can be difficult, especially if they seem vulnerable or express
feelings similar to your own. Remind yourself that you both need time and space to deal
with those difficult emotions and wait until the no-contact period has passed.

Maintain some physical and emotional distance

If you want to try the friendship thing after some time apart, keep an eye out for old
patters and behaviors. Maybe you lean your head on their shoulder while watching a
movie or they come to you for help during a crisis.

There’s nothing inherently wrong with these behaviors, but they can lead to a lot of
confusion and further heartbreak. If you and your ex want to maintain a friendship, you
have to act like friends.

‘Just friends’ guidelines

Keeping some distance means not doing anything you wouldn’t typically do with a
friend, such as:

cuddling or other close contact

spending the night together in the same bed
treating each other to expensive meals
providing consistent emotional or financial support

Halting any behavior that makes you think, “It seems like we never broke up,” is probably
for the best.

Discuss how you’ll handle encounters

Sometimes, there’s just no avoiding an ex. Maybe you work together, attend the same
college classes, or have all of the same friends. In these cases, it’s good to have a
conversation about what you’ll do when you inevitable see each other.

Aim to keep things polite, even if you had a nasty breakup. Just remember that
you can’t control someone else’s behavior. If they can’t abide by the agreement
and act up, try to take the high road by not engaging them.

If you work together, do everything you can to maintain a professional relationship. Keep
conversation civil and try to avoid talking to coworkers about what happened. Gossip
spreads easily, and even a few basic facts can change wildly from person to person.

Not sure what to say? Try something like, “We decided to stop seeing each other, but
we’re committed to maintaining a good working relationship.”

Taking care of yourself

Once you’ve got your boundaries in order, it’s time to turn your attention to your
relationship with yourself.

Prioritize self-care
Parker recommends creating a daily self-care routine.

Each day, do something that:

brings you joy (see friends, have a new experience, spend time on your favorite
hobby)
nurtures you (exercise, meditate, cook a satisfying but healthful meal)
helps you process your feelings (make art or music, journal, talk to a therapist or
other support person)

Try to get enough sleep, but avoid sleeping too much. This can interfere with your
responsibilities and make you feel groggy and unwell.

And then, of course, there’s comfort food, Netflix binges, and a bottle of wine. It’s fine to
indulge occasionally while you recover, but keep an eye on things so they don’t become
regular habits that are hard to break down the road. Consider saving these things for
special times with friends or giving yourself one night a week to cut loose.

Do things you enjoy

After a breakup, you might find yourself with more free time than you’re used to. Try to
use this time in positive ways.

Maybe during the relationship you spent less time reading and have a stack of unread
books waiting by your bed. Or perhaps you’ve always wanted to try gardening or knitting.
You could even begin learning a new language or make plans for a solo trip.

Finding things to do (and doing them) can help distract you from post-breakup grief.

Express your feelings…

It’s common to experience a lot of emotions after a breakup, including:

anger
sadness
grief
confusion
loneliness

It can help to acknowledge these feelings. Write them down, illustrate them, or talk to your
loved ones. Movies, music, and books involving people going through similar situations
can reflect your experience, so these might offer some comfort.

…but avoid wallowing in them

Try not to get stuck in a cycle of negative emotions, since it generally doesn’t help to
ruminate on feelings of grief and loss. If you can’t stop thinking about your ex, try a “reset”
by getting out of the house, visiting a friend, or putting on music and doing some deep
cleaning.

Take a break from sad or romantic dramas and love songs. Instead, try comedic or
uplifting shows, upbeat music, and lighthearted novels without romance. These can help
distract you from negative emotions.

Other quick ways to help improve a gloomy mood:

Open your curtains for natural light.

Get some sun.
Luxuriate in a shower or bath with your favorite products.
Burn a candle with a fresh or citrus scent.

Tell your story

Parker suggests writing out a short narrative about your breakup. Just a sentence
or two is fine. For example, “I need time and space to reconnect with myself and
my needs before I can be in a relationship with someone.” Another option might
be, “Breaking up is a process, and nothing is clear right away.”

Keep this somewhere visible, like your bathroom mirror or fridge, and focus on
that when you feel like you miss your ex and want to reach out, she says.

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Dealing with social media

Another unexpected aspect of breaking up: social media. It’s not always easy to know
how to set boundaries around digital involvement, but here are some general post-
breakup dos and don’ts.

Do avoid using social media as much as possible

“Social media creates an environment for stalking and unhealthy fixation, along with
opportunities for passive-aggressive bullying,” Parker says.

Taking some time away from social media can be helpful after a breakup. This ensures
you don’t end up souring your mood by coming across photos of your ex or photos of
seemingly picture-perfect couples.

If you do use social media after your breakup, Parker recommends using it only to
connect with and gain support from friends and family. For example, you might
consider temporarily deleting the Facebook app from your phone and using
Messenger to chat.

Don’t post about the breakup

You don’t need to publicly share that your relationship has ended, because chances are,
the people who need to know already do know. “Social media isn’t the place to air your
feelings or frustrations toward an ex-partner,” Parker says.

You might want to share the truth if your ex lied to you, cheated, or otherwise wronged
you, but save your frustration for private messages with people you trust.

Don’t change your relationship status right away

If you and your ex-partner used the “In a Relationship” status on Facebook, it might seem
logical (and honest) to change your status to “Single” once the relationship is over.

A better option is to hide the status from your profile (or set it so only you can see it). If you
take a break from social media, for example, you can hide it until you return. People may
be less likely to notice the change after time has passed.

If they do notice, your breakup will be old news, so it won’t matter as much. Waiting to
change your status will also reduce the chances your ex-partner will feel hurt by the
change.

Do unfollow your ex
You don’t need necessarily need to unfriend an ex if:

the relationship ended on good terms

you want to stay friends
you have other social connections

But most social media apps now let you mute or hide people without having to unfollow
them. This keeps you from seeing content they share. If you don’t want to see your ex-
partner in other people’s posts, it can also help to unfollow people they’re closely
connected to, including close friends and family members.

On Facebook, you can use privacy settings to put people on a restricted list, which
prevents them from seeing anything that isn’t publicly shared. This may help, but if the
relationship was abusive, it’s best to block them entirely so they can’t view any of your
information or updates.

Don’t check out your ex’s page

You may feel tempted, especially if you’ve seen them around town with someone new.
Maybe you want to know if they feel as awful as you do, or maybe you’re looking for that
vague status update you just know they wanted you to see.

But ask yourself, “What will looking at their page accomplish?” Probably nothing healthy,
so it’s best to resist the urge.

If you’ve been living together

Breaking up with a live-in partner bring about a separate set of challenges.

Revamp your space

After your partner moves out, your house or apartment may feel totally different. Your
space might feel lonely. It might not feel like “home” anymore. You might want to pack up
and move to a place without so many painful memories.

If you shared a place and your ex moved out, your home might feel lonely or full of painful
memories. Of course, moving into a new place can help, but that’s not always financially
feasible. Instead, focus on refreshing your surroundings.

Do a ‘mini remodel’
move furniture around
get new mugs or dishes
invest in some new bedding
try to get rid of one piece of furniture that you can easily replace
get rid of the blanket you always cuddled under and replace it with throws in
different textures and colors
try a different color scheme in your living room or bedroom.
paint your table and chairs.
change rugs, throw pillows, cushions, and blankets

Box up mementos
It can help to pack up significant reminders of the relationship, including gifts,
photographs, or things you bought together. You don’t have to throw these things away.
Just set the box aside where you won’t see it all the time. Down the road, you can take
another look and decide what you want to keep.

Gather their belongings

If your partner left things behind, a respectful option is to box them up until any no-contact
period has passed. Then, send a polite message letting them know you still have their
belongings. Donate anything they intentionally left or said they didn’t want.

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If you have a lot of mutual friends

Mutual friends will probably want to know what happened after a breakup. It’s generally
best to avoid getting into the details. They might get two very different stories, and gossip
can become a problem in some situations.

If friends have heard an untrue version of what happened, you might want to share the
truth. Try to avoid an emotionally charged response and offer the facts calmly, without
saying anything negative about your ex-partner.

Keep in mind some friends may take sides. You can’t avoid this or force anyone to
maintain the friendship. But you can avoid playing into gossip and drama by
resisting the urge to say negative things about your ex.

Finally, it’s generally best to avoid asking friends for news of your ex-partner.

If you’re in a polyamorous relationship

When working through a poly breakup, it’s important to consider how breaking up with
one partner can affect your other relationships.

Be open about your emotions

Following a breakup with one partner, you might find yourself drawing closer, both
physically and emotionally, to your other partners.

On the other hand, you might feel:

hesitant about physical intimacy

vulnerable
less interested in your usual activities

Your feelings and emotions are all valid, and compassionate partners will understand
you’re dealing with a difficult situation. They’ll most likely want to offer support however
they can. Just keep in mind that they might experience some emotional fallout from your
breakup, too.

Keep them in the loop about what you’re feeling and try to communicate what you
each need from each other during this transition.

Talk about next steps

As you adjust to having one less partner, you might want to talk with your current partners
about:

ways your relationship might temporarily change (for example, you might have less
interest in physical intimacy at the moment)
any new boundaries you (or they) want to set for your relationship
how to handle situations where you might see your ex-partner

Take the high road

Again, avoid talking badly about your ex. This is especially important if one of your
partners still has a relationship with your ex.

The exception? If your ex was abusive or put you in danger, it might be wise to let other
partners know.

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It’s okay to ask for help

Breakups are often rough. Friends and family can offer support and help you feel less
alone, but sometimes it’s just not enough.

Consider reaching out to a therapist, who can help you:

identify unhealthy coping methods and replace them with more positive ones
address and challenge persistent negative emotions
deal with the effects of manipulation or abuse
work on a plan for the future

If you’re wondering whether a breakup is a valid reason to get help, it definitely is. In fact,
many therapists specialize in helping people work through breakup grief.

It’s especially important to reach out for help if you:

feel depressed
have thoughts of hurting yourself or others
keep trying to contact your ex or think about contacting them often

Recovering from a breakup takes time — probably more than you’d like. But try to
remember that things will get easier as time goes on. In the meantime, be gentle with
yourself and don’t hesitate to reach out if you need support.

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Last medically reviewed on September 30, 2019

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