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    Making Marriage Work: Jane Freeman, LISW Akron, Ohio March, 2009

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    freeman_bruce6274
    This document discusses strategies for making marriages work based on research. It begins by outlining some myths about marriage and what doesn't work, such as harsh startups, criticism, contempt, defensiveness, stonewalling and flooding. It then describes seven principles that can help marriages succeed: 1) enhancing understanding of each other, 2) nurturing fondness and admiration, 3) turning toward rather than away from each other, 4) allowing your partner to influence you, 5) solving solvable problems, 6) overcoming gridlock, and 7) creating shared meaning through rituals, roles and goals. The document provides details on effectively implementing each of these principles.

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    Making Marriage Work: Jane Freeman, LISW Akron, Ohio March, 2009

    Uploaded by

    freeman_bruce6274
    142 views21 pages
    This document discusses strategies for making marriages work based on research. It begins by outlining some myths about marriage and what doesn't work, such as harsh startups, criticism, contempt, defensiveness, stonewalling and flooding. It then describes seven principles that can help marriages succeed: 1) enhancing understanding of each other, 2) nurturing fondness and admiration, 3) turning toward rather than away from each other, 4) allowing your partner to influence you, 5) solving solvable problems, 6) overcoming gridlock, and 7) creating shared meaning through rituals, roles and goals. The document provides details on effectively implementing each of these principles.

    Original Title

    Marriage HR

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    This document discusses strategies for making marriages work based on research. It begins by outlining some myths about marriage and what doesn't work, such as harsh startups, criticism, contempt, defensiveness, stonewalling and flooding. It then describes seven principles that can help marriages succeed: 1) enhancing understanding of each other, 2) nurturing fondness and admiration, 3) turning toward rather than away from each other, 4) allowing your partner to influence you, 5) solving solvable problems, 6) overcoming gridlock, and 7) creating shared meaning through rituals, roles and goals. The document provides details on effectively implementing each of these principles.

    Copyright:

    Attribution Non-Commercial (BY-NC)
    Download as PPT, PDF, TXT or read online from Scribd
    Download as ppt, pdf, or txt
    142 views21 pages

    Making Marriage Work: Jane Freeman, LISW Akron, Ohio March, 2009

    Uploaded by

    freeman_bruce6274
    This document discusses strategies for making marriages work based on research. It begins by outlining some myths about marriage and what doesn't work, such as harsh startups, criticism, contempt, defensiveness, stonewalling and flooding. It then describes seven principles that can help marriages succeed: 1) enhancing understanding of each other, 2) nurturing fondness and admiration, 3) turning toward rather than away from each other, 4) allowing your partner to influence you, 5) solving solvable problems, 6) overcoming gridlock, and 7) creating shared meaning through rituals, roles and goals. The document provides details on effectively implementing each of these principles.

    Copyright:

    Attribution Non-Commercial (BY-NC)
    Download as PPT, PDF, TXT or read online from Scribd
    Download as ppt, pdf, or txt
    of 21
    At a glance
    Powered by AI
    Some of the key takeaways are that happily married people live longer and healthier lives, while unhappily married people are more likely to experience health issues. Unhappy marriages also increase risks of various mental and physical health problems.

    Some myths discussed include ideas that communication skills, common interests, keeping score (quid pro quo), and affairs are the main causes of divorce. The document argues that goodwill, respect, how couples interact, and feeling loved/appreciated are more important.

    Behaviors said not to work well include harsh starts to conversations, criticism vs complaints, contempt, defensiveness, flooding, and failed repair attempts between partners.

    Making Marriage Work

    Jane Freeman, LISW


    Akron, Ohio
    March, 2009
    Why bother?
    • Unhappy marriage increases chances of getting
    sick by 35% and shortens life 4 years
    • Happily married live longer, healthier lives than
    either divorced people or the unhappily married
    • Unhappily marriage experience chronic, diffuse
    physiological arousal=hypertension, coronary
    artery disease, anxiety, depression, suicide,
    violence, substance abuse.
    Myths about Marriage
    • Communication and conflict resolution
    skills save marriages
    – best studies indicate improvement in only 35%
    of cases and only18% retain benefits long term
    – successful conflict resolution isn’t what makes
    marriages succeed; good will and respect do
    • Neuroses or personality problems ruin
    marriages
    More Myths
    • Common interests keep you together
    – it all depends on how you interact when
    pursuing them
    • Quid pro quo helps marriages
    – happy spouses do not keep a running tab; they
    do chores because they generally feel positive
    about their spouse
    Still more myths
    • Conflict (or conflict avoidance) ruins
    marriage
    – conflict style is not relevant as long as it works
    for both people
    • Affairs are the root cause of divorce
    – less than 1/4 of time are affairs even partially to
    blame. Not feeling loved and appreciated is the
    real culprit
    …and still more
    • Men are not biologically “built” for
    marriage
    – recent studies support that extramarital affairs
    of young women slightly exceeds those of men
    • Men and women are from different planets
    – the determining factor in whether spouses feel
    satisfied with sex, romance and passion is (by
    70%) the quality of the friendship
    What doesn’t work
    • Harsh startup-96% of time can predict outcome
    of a conversation based on the first 3 minutes.
    • The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse
    – Criticism vs. complaint
    – Contempt (eg. sarcasm, cynicism, name-calling,
    eye-rolling, sneering, mockery, hostile humor)
    – Defensiveness vs. accepting responsibility
    – Stonewalling
    What else doesn’t work
    • Flooding-spouse’s negativity is so overwhelming
    that feel “shell-shocked”, and hyper-vigilant to
    cues that spouse is about to “blow” again
    • Body “language”-heart rate, hormonal changes,
    blood pressure, at which point ability to process
    information is reduced and creative problem
    solving is severely impaired. Biological fact: Men
    are more physiologically overwhelmed by marital
    conflict
    What else doesn’t work
    • Failed repair attempts
    • Bad memories-re-writing history from a negative
    perspective
    • The death knell
    – see marital problems as severe
    – talking things over seems useless. Try to solve
    problems on own
    – start leading parallel lives
    – loneliness sets in
    So…what does work?
    • In happy marriages spouses still had
    significant differences in temperament,
    interests and family values, conflict over $,
    jobs, kids, chores, sex and in-laws
    • Happy marriages are based on deep
    friendship and are all alike in 7 ways
    7 principles of making marriage
    work
    • Enhance your love maps
    • nurture your fondness and admiration
    • turn toward each other, instead of away
    • let your partner influence you
    • solve your solvable problems
    • overcome gridlock
    • create shared meaning
    1. Enhancing love maps
    Emotionally intelligent couples:
    – remember major events in each other’s history
    – keep updating their information as the facts and
    feelings of spouse’s world change
    – work to develop greater personal insight and
    share it
    2. Nurture fondness and
    admiration
    • Maintain an idealized image of your partner
    • Maintain the belief that one’s spouse is worthy of
    honor and respect
    • Fan the flames by expressions of appreciation
    3. Turn toward each other
    • Make deposits in the emotional bank
    account
    • Say yes! to your partner’s invitations more
    often than not
    The stress-reducing conversation,
    (when not the target)
    • Take turns complaining
    • don’t give unsolicited advice
    • show genuine interest
    • communicate your understanding
    • take your spouse’s side (we against them)
    • express affection physically
    • validate emotions
    4. let your partner influence you
    During conflict wives rarely responded to husbands by
    increasing negativity; instead tried to tone it down or
    match it.
    65 % of men escalated wives’ negativity
    “You’re not listening to me” met with
    Ignoring (stonewall), be defensive (“Yes I am!),
    be critical (“what you say never makes sense”) or be
    contemptuous (“why waste my time?”)
    Choose “Us” over “Me”
    The 2 kinds of marital conflict
    • Perpetual: 69%. One doesn’t have to
    resolve major marital conflicts for marriage
    to thrive, rather learn to cope, accept the
    inevitability of difference, develop
    strategies to deal with them. Otherwise,
    leads to Gridlock
    • solvable: 5 steps to follow
    Signs of gridlock
    • Conflict makes you feel rejected
    • talking makes no headway
    • positions become entrenched, no humor
    • unbudgeable leads to vilification leads to
    polarization leads to emotional disengagement
    • Unrequited (unrealized) dreams are the core of
    gridlocked conflict
    5. Key to solvable problems
    • Soften your startup
    • effective use of repair attempts
    • monitor physiology to warn against
    flooding (soothe self and other)
    • compromise
    • tolerate each other’s faults
    6. Overcome gridlock
    • Become a Dream Detective-what’s really the
    underlying issue
    • Work on a Gridlocked Marital issue-
    understand what this issue means to your spouse
    • Sooth each other-guard against flooding
    • End the gridlock-temporary compromise,
    acceptance of differences
    • Say thank You-tell spouse what you appreciate
    7. Create Shared Meaning
    • Family rituals
    • Roles
    • Personal goals
    • Shared symbols

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