I will Disconnect my Brain - A suicide note by David Rajulkahf

I will Disconnect my Brain A suicide note by David Rajulkahf 1. - Happiness has been a mystery to me since I was a kid. - I thought it is something I would be able to find when I grow up. - When I become in the sixth grade—like those tall dudes. -Eventually, I became tall but not happy. 2. - What actually happened in the sixth grade is that the tall dudes attacked me. - They threw stones, eggs, and tomatoes at me. - My sin was being a studious nerd and the teacher’s preferred student. - I sought shelter in a pharmacy. - In that messy pharmacy, I knew that I failed in finding happiness. - It was obvious to me that whatever happiness is, it definitely is not a mixture of blood, eggs, and tomato. 3. - Maybe I find happiness in a secondary school, I consoled myself. David Rajulkahf - Thus, I deluded myself for a few years until I realized that happiness has nothing to do with schooling. - This conclusion was not surprising, honestly, for I was not too fond of school anyway. - So I convinced myself that twenty is a knight on a white charger. 4. - Since then, I, literally, - Searched for happiness from the equator to the Arctic Circle, - Went to forests, jungles, mountains, deserts, and islands, - Dug in the desert sand and the north pole snow, - Lived in crowded capitals and rural areas, - Affluent cities and poor neighborhoods, - I found nothing. 5. - I traveled by air, land, and sea, - Trains and airplanes, - Boats and bikes, - Buses and cars, - Walks and hikes, - Nothing! 2 David Rajulkahf 6. - It really is a challenging task to count; - The places in which I lived since I was twenty, - The religions with which I shared my bed, - The nationalities with which I shared my table, - The activities I tried, - Yet, I found absolutely nothing. ******* 7. - I concluded, after lengthy contemplation, that it is not wise to search for happiness alone. - I was chatting with a colleague in the office kitchen when it came to my mind that it merely is impossible for me to know everything in the world and to try everything by myself. - After all, I am just a tiny nothing lost in a colossal nothingness. - I soon realized, however, that every other tiny-trivialnothing knows nothing within the almighty nothingness. - So, I went out of the kitchen with high hopes of joining the human knowledge pool. - Happiness must be somewhere in that pool; where else could it be? 3 David Rajulkahf 8. - Trying to find a trick or a hidden code, I read thousands of books, studies, and essays. - I engaged myself with countless hours of discussions with people I could never meet in person. - This made the search way more sophisticated, costly, and time-consuming. - In books, however, I found knowledge. - I learned how interesting the experience of living is. - I came to know how enjoyable the journey of life could be. - It did not take me long, though, to realize how sad it is to realize that! 9. - How pathetic it is; - To be involved in a game, - To understand the rules of the game, - To master the game, - But innately incapable of playing. 10. - I used to believe that knowledge is intrinsically good. - Now, I know I was very wrong. 11. - Reading succeeded in making me obsessively interested 4 David Rajulkahf in life ... Only. 12. - I swear to myself that I carefully considered all the tricks and tips of which I became aware. - I even went beyond that, developing my own. - Still, - There is something not working, - There is a rusty switch not clicking, - There is a sensor failure somewhere, - Or all of the above. ******* 13. - I am a drowning man who has been trying to survive for years and years. - During which I have perceived only two things; - The buildings of Saintes-Maries-de-la-Mer on the horizon, - And the waves all around me, underneath me, above me, and inside me. 14. - I swim as hard as I can towards the beach. - Poseidon’s horses kick me back; continuous divine kicks on my head. 5 David Rajulkahf - Damaging my brain tissues, worsening my lunacy, and losing my fins. 15. - I tried for years to ride one of the horses to meet Our Lady, Star of the Sea. - Never succeeded. - I desperately asked her recently, “my little girl, what, do you think, am I doing wrong? - “Why Poseidon’s horses never stop kicking my forehead? - “What the hell have I done to him?” - She replied instantly, calmly, unusually wisely, while putting her demigod to sleep, - “Some people just are not meant to be happy, David!” 16. - My little girl is damn right. - Although she has no idea why she is right, - Scientifically and philosophically speaking, she is right. 17. - However, whether I am one of those people or not is something she did not specify. - And to not awake the little Alexander, I did not ask. 6 David Rajulkahf 18. - Later, Magdalene revealed to me in two words. - It took her four years of building the courage to say, - “Your bipolarity, David!” 19. - That was tough to swallow. - I became terrified. - Genuinely terrified. 20. - I begged her, “Mary, you know that your hair never touched my foot; please send me a fishing boat.” - She replied, crying, “Saintes-Maries-de-la-Mer has no place for real people.” - I wondered, “Myriam, you know that I am not real!” - She sobbed, “My Lord, you are mentally ill.” 21. - I did not reply … I just wept. - She did not see my tears. - Though they were more copious than the waves in which I was drowning. - De facto, the waves were my tears. ******* 22. - I am not mentally ill. 7 David Rajulkahf - I am a DSM copy in flesh and bones; - Three personality disorders—one of which is severe; - Buttressed by a few stupid phobias—such as pocrescophobia and atelophobia; - Manage a severe bipolar disorder; - Amalgamate with a couple of anxiety disorders; - Supported by bulimia nervosa, chronic insomnia, trichotillomania; and - Cooperate with some other fine fellows in forming a character named David Rajulkahf. 23. - I am the guy who binges and purges for days and water fast for weeks. - I am the person who does not go to bed for days and remains there for weeks. - I am the lecturer who jumps on some stages and makes the audience enthusiastic for a couple of hours. - And from other stages, runs away in panic attacks after a couple of minutes. - I prevent people from simultaneously planning mine! 8 committing suicide, David Rajulkahf 24. - I am; - The depressed-comic, - The suicidal-psychologist, - The laborer-philosopher, - The student-teacher, - The patient-physician, - The retarded-genius, - The ignorant-scientist, - The author and the reader. 25. - I am; - The deaf-musician, - The mute-talkative. - The blind-painter, - The paralyzed-artist, - The civilized-caveman. 26. - I am; - Twain and Dostoevsky, - Russell and Nietzsche, - Darwin and Rousseau, - Chopin and Zappa, 9 David Rajulkahf - Raphael and Pollock, - Socrates and the pig. 27. - I am here and there. - And I am nowhere. - And I am nobody. - Not even me. - For there is no me. 28. - There has never been me. - There has been a sort of self-awareness that emerged out of an orgasm—hopefully two orgasms. - Which spent more than a billion seconds trying to understand what the fuck is going on. - No more … No less. 29. - Now I know what the fuck is going on. - And I know what I should do about it. 30. - I should do what I always knew I must do. - I should do what I always knew I would do. - I should do what I always dreamed of doing. - I should do what I should have done a long time ago. 10 David Rajulkahf - I should disconnect my brain. 31. - It is unfixable. - It is ridiculous to keep trying. 32. - As a matter of fact, I spent thirty-four years trying to disable a built-in self-destruct mechanism. - Technically, I did not live a life. - I lived dying. - I suffered living dying. 33. - I only experienced slow and painful enduring brain collapses while the earth is rotating carelessly. - I can not say it was a pleasant journey. - No, not at all. - The puffs of pleasure I could perceive in those years do not worth the pain I paid for them. 34. - It is a losing trade, and I am a stupid losing trader should I not shut down the business. - It is a business I did not establish. - It is a game I did not conduct. - I am a terrible player, and I want to participate in this 11 David Rajulkahf game no more. ******* 35. I, indeed, prefer it if I did not come to know about the existence of existence. - Yet, I tried everything I could think of to enjoy the ride. - I shamefully failed. 36. - Who can go back in time to inform that depressed kid that he will never become a good player? - To explain to him that nothing ever is going to make it. - That he will remain the same miserable kid even when he will reach his mid-thirties. - That his pain, sickness, sadness, and loneliness are what will grow up ... Not him. 37. - He must have learned that knowledge, freedom, religions, riding, driving, marriage, fatherhood, divorce, study, work, travel, sex, money, drugs, academic degrees, recognition, fame, writing books, playing musical instruments, becoming a multilingual person; living a simple life, a luxury life, a business life, an academic life, 12 David Rajulkahf and so forth are mere mirages. - And that even Jesus can not turn mirages to water. 38. - I see the child sitting alone on a sofa in his grandma’s bedroom. - With an awful migraine. - Dreaming. 39. - I wish I could tell him that none of the doctors he is visiting will cure his headache. - Neither the green magic paper that has a horrible smell that his aunt tightened up will work for him. - Nor the funky cyan incantation that the family wrote for him. - Nor the funny meaningless sentences that he struggled to memorize. - Not even the book that he bought when he attempted to get, by himself, to the bottom of what is going on inside his skull. 40. - I just want to tell him that he has severe mental illnesses. - That his brain is incapable of perceiving happiness. - I want to warn him that a blind person only harms 13 David Rajulkahf themselves should they run in the streets searching for a light. 41. - I see that adolescent unable to sleep, severely depressed, anxious, - Dreaming. - I wish I could tell him that his dreams are ... Dreams. - I want to teach him that happiness is not an objective. - That seeking happiness is like seeking yourself ... You will never find it out there. 42. - I see that young man sitting in his office counting down the days for his suicide attempt on his desk calendar. - Dreaming. - I wish I could sit with him and tell him that those dreams are ... Dreams. - Illusions. 43. - I want to tell him, “you do not live to be happy, young man. You either live happily or not. - “Your happiness exists, or not, within your skull. - “Pretty much like all other feelings you are capable of experiencing.” 14 David Rajulkahf 44. - I see that sick older man sitting in his black king-size bed. - Sad, miserable, and lonely. - Unable to dream. - Thinking that he wishes he could tell me to be smart for one time in my existence. - He is mad at me because he knows that I know that; - Not to be, definitely, is better than to be. - No question about it! ******* 45. - How sarcastic it is to live all my life depressed and end it manic! - Although I almost always had no doubts that I will end my life by committing suicide, I have never thought it will be this way, in those circumstances, nor at this time. - I am massively disappointed. 46. - I lived my life, literally, trying to prevent myself from ending it. - I mentioned above that I gave it all. - And that I did everything I thought would help in that 15 David Rajulkahf regard. - Obviously, in vain. 47. - I need not mention all my previous attempts nor all the hospitalizations I enjoyed, - But I want to make something crystal clear; - I am by no means disconnecting my brain due to spiritual emptiness or any sort of that nonsense. - My atheism, utilitarianism, hedonism, veganism, antinatalism, positive nihilism, cosmopolitanism, and all other isms for which I am known have absolutely nothing to do with my desire to end my life experience. - In fact, to the contrary, it might be the case that those who do not share my isms have an influence. 48. - It is all related to how the events of my life went; - My welfare is going from bad to worse, - My brain is collapsing severely rather than recovering, - Which keeps destroying my well-being rather than improving it. 49. - My life reached a point of devastation that it had never 16 David Rajulkahf reached before. - The chain of events does not even give me any chance to recover between them. - The domino effect is going too fast and still accelerating. - In this year, I could finally see, by my naked eye, the light at the end of the tunnel; - It is the incandescent light bulb of the buffer stop. - The crash is inevitable. 50. - The amount of damage had been done to my brain and to my life in the last period is really, really, severe. - There is no point at all in keep going. - The guy who shall continue this journey is not me. - And I am not interested in getting to know him. - He is not someone I look up to. - Nor even presumably like. - I do not see him happy nor that he has much potential; I am afraid to say. - I fail to find any convincing reason to experience his life. 51. - Morally speaking, it seems to me that I am wronging if I let this dude suffer his predestination, giving all the 17 David Rajulkahf information in hand—which is in no one else’s hand. - No one but I can see the whole picture. - Because no one knows everything about me and my life. - Different people know different things. - But not a single person knows everything. 52. - Maybe an official comprehensive lengthy investigation would come close. - Until that happens, if it ever happened, I will be the only one who knows how and why I finally put an end to my existence. - I will not be there to confirm such findings. - Keep in mind, nevertheless, that obtaining information is one thing; - Interpreting them is yet another. 53. - How easy it is to grab some information and say, “if I were David, I would have done this and that instead.” - Well, luckily for you; - You do not have my brain. - You do not perceive reality the way I do. - You are not in my shoes nor wearing my glasses. 18 David Rajulkahf - You can not feel what I feel. - You have not experienced my suffering. - You have not been through what I have been through. - You will never come to know what I know. - You are not me. - And you can not be me. - So shut the fuck up and propose a toast! ******* 54. - I am not glad that I am the toast. - I am not sad that I am not sharing the toast. 55. - I am sad that; - A lot of people love me, but I have never loved myself. - Many people think I am intelligent, but I know how stupid I am. - My brain generates positive utility to others and negative utility to me. - My brain refuses to generate any positive utility to me. - My brain refuses to stop generating negative utility to me. 19 David Rajulkahf 56. - I improved so many lives but systematically destroyed mine. - I made so many successful players, and I ain’t find the ball. - I maintained tens of families, but I could not build one of my own. - I helped an awful lot of people for free, - But I failed in helping myself despite all the expenses. - I saved lots of lives ... But not mine. - That is sad. 57. - I am sad that I will not share more of my ideas, - My thoughts and visions, - My philosophical theories, - The enormous amount of nerdy sophisticated hard work for years that I did not share with others, - Well, if the adjective sad means anything at all, that is sad. 58. - I did have high hopes. - Now, I am incredibly disappointed with how things went. 20 David Rajulkahf - I am not sad … No. I am disappointed. - Yes, this is the correct adjective. - I am very disappointed. - Which is sad. ******* 59. - For all those who rudely conjecture about suicide. - Assert that suicide is a sign of weakness. - That it is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. - That it is the elementary sin. - That it is unethical, absurd, and selfish. - Or any other discourteous, disrespectful bullshit. - I tell you what suicide is. - Suicide is FUCK YOU. 60. - If there is anything unethical, absurd, and selfish, - That would be bringing a sentient being into existence. - That is the elementary sin. - Pull out, for fuck’s sake. - Do not create permanent suffering to solve your temporary problem, you selfish idiots! - Then, when one attempts to fix the problem that you 21 David Rajulkahf induced, you blackguard them. - I can not think of more discourtesy. ******* 61. - The very first thing I felt when my consciousness emerged into existence was choking. - Life chokes free spirits. - I became a slave by being existed. - Existence is slavery. - This is why newborns cry. - This is why I cried. - This is why I spent my life crying. - I am inherently choked up. 62. - I am no slave. - But I am a slave. - I am just an awareness of a state of slavery. - I do not even know how I became aware of that. - I sometimes wish I did not. - Still, it is totally out of my hands. - I could/can do absolutely nothing about it. - It is the universe’s plan. 22 David Rajulkahf - I am just an innocent victim. 63. - I am fed up with others deciding on my behalf; - What information to perceive and how to interpret it. - What material to read and what not to read. - What to study and what not to study. - What to smoke and what not to smoke. - What to snort and what not to snort. - What to drink and what not to drink. - Where to stay and where to travel. - Where I can sleep and where I can not sleep—and, of course, with whom. - What drugs I have to take and what drugs I am not allowed to do. - When to wake up and when to sleep. - What to do with my time. - Controlling my time. - Managing my life. - Owning my time. - Owning my life. - Owning me! 23 David Rajulkahf 64. - I am pissed off with all the absurd paternalism. - I am disgusted with all the wily nudging. - I am loathing with all the efforts to engineering my attitudes and decisions. - If you do not see the above as slavery, then you are deluded with the meaning of slavery. - If you think you are free, then you have to redefine the word free. 65. - You are also fooled by the myth of free will. - There is no free will, my friend. - You are no more than a biological robot. - What is pathetic is that you are programmed to feel the exact opposite. - It is science talking here. - You are free in solely one thing, that is NOTHING! - I mean it literally. 66. - I am tired of being guided by fools. - I am fed up with being under the control of lunatics. - I can not handle all those primitive politics, greedy economics, and idiotic policies. 24 David Rajulkahf 67. - I am a mere consciousness that is aware of being enslaved and spent all its existence trying to free itself. - Because, for me, freedom is a necessary condition for happiness. - Thus, all my life activities aimed to achieve freedom. - Every single accomplishment in my life is a byproduct. - The change that I made to your life is a byproduct of my search for my own freedom. - That is a fact. 68. - Along the way, I freed myself from God, religion, government, country, family, money, fashion, libido, and tobacco, among others. - I also freed myself from the birth name that connects me to other people. - I even invented a family name that is exclusive to me. - I stand by myself; David Rajulkahf. - Just a human being connected equally to all homo sapiens who have ever existed since paleolithic. 69. - Now, it seems to me that I reached the point of freeing myself from the whole game. 25 David Rajulkahf - My own freedom has been severely diminished in the past period. - The effect is irreversible and will remain for years to come. - This is not a life that a free man accepts. - I have not been fighting all my life to reach this position. - No! 70. - Live free or die. - It is as simple as that. - Now, my freedom is massively fucked up. - I am not even allowed to smell freedom for years to come. - Therefore, I should die. ******* 71. - It draws a smile to my face whenever I think of the fact that I will never regret it. - This, per se, for an OCPD, is a very interestingly bizarre experience. - To do something without regression! - I will never regret committing suicide. 26 David Rajulkahf - How fascinating is this! 72. - I will never miss anyone—I am sorry to say. - There will be nothing in me to miss anyone of you guys! - Is not that cool?! ******* 73. - I have not written here for a couple of nights. - Tonight, I have been in bed for many hours. - My brain does not shut down. - A high dose of sleeping pills is doing nothing. - This is my struggle with chronic insomnia. 74. – I always spend many hours in bed before I finally sleep. - My brain keeps spinning in my skull faster and faster. - I think of everything. - When I wake up, I do not remember any of these ideas, thoughts, decisions, or conclusions. - It is a shame, for they are usually essential matters. 75. - I am used to remaining awake for many nights in raw. - Not ideal, nor healthy, but, hey, there is nothing ideal nor healthy in my life anyway! 27 David Rajulkahf 76. - For more than a decade, I only sleep while hallucinating that I am putting a pullet in my head. - Only after I manage to pull the imaginary trigger, my brain stops spinning, and I sleep peacefully. 77. - I have never held a firearm except once in school. - Nonetheless, I made my mind on a particular gun to be used. - I am in love with my pistol. - All other aspects of shooting my head had been carefully studied for countless hours throughout the years. 78. - Imagine yourself having your brain spinning inside your skull every time you rest your head on a pillow. - Imagine those obsessive thoughts and hallucinations every single night for years and years. 79. - Sometimes, the spinning keeps accelerating. - It only is the pullet that crosses my head is what potentially can put an end to this ridiculous spinning. - This is me after saying, “good night.” - Every night! - The good nights for me are those in which hunting my 28 David Rajulkahf brain happens relatively fast. ********* 80. - Anyway, I am a night person. - I have been fascinated with nights since I was a child. - I still remember the first time I was allowed to wait until midnight. - I was super excited about it. - I sat staring at the clock. - The suspense was building. - The hands slowly reached each other vertically upwards. - But the day name and number took few more minutes to flip. 81. - I went to bed thinking how on earth it is Wednesday right now, but Tuesday ten minutes ago! - I used to think that something essential happens. - I did not know what it might be. - Yet, it certainly can not merely be the clock hands pointing at number 12 that is written in a beautiful Chinese wooden box with a pendulum that rings every hour the number of that hour! 29 David Rajulkahf - That night, I found that midnight is identical to midday—of which I am familiar—except the flipping of the day name and number. - Still, what the hell is Wednesday! 82. – A decade later, I had a similar experience at midnight for the year 2000. - I was already very skeptical about the intrinsic of days and hours. - I already came to a conclusion that we can simply replace the weekdays without anything else ever being affected. - As an OCPD, I gave it a lot of thinking and studies designing my won calendar. - I have never liked the seven days in the weeks nor the weeks-months relation. - Not ideal! I always believed. 83. - Anyhow, at that midnight, while the entire world was celebrating, my family was sleeping. - I was awake alone studying mathematics. - I looked out the window from my grandma’s living 30 David Rajulkahf room, which has an astonishing view of Damascus. - I looked up at the sky. - It was beautifully clean black. - My all-time favorite color! - The stars were shining as they usually do. - The moon seems careless about the new millennia. - Nothing up there, as far as I could see, gives a fuck to all the craziness down here! - From my grandma’s window, everything seems perfectly normal. 84. - This suggested to me that there is nothing called years. - Precisely as there is nothing called days. - And that there is no superpower cares for those things. - The world is not ending at midnight 2000 as the rumors say. 85. - I was so skeptical about the rumors, not because I knew specific facts at the time. - I reasoned that we already passed the year 1000. - So there are no convincing reasons not to pass the year 2000. 31 David Rajulkahf -If the world shut down at a millennia midnight, it should have done it in the year 1000. - why 2000? - why not 3000? - Or ideally, it should be 10.000! - I tried to convince my siblings and classmates of that. - I do not remember my success rate. 86. - I still also recall the first night at which I had no sleep at all. - I co-built a computer for a relative of mine and spent that night working on the newly built device. - Programming those days used to consume a lot of time. 87. - This experience taught me two things. - The first is that I can remain energetic all night long. - The second is that nights are fascinating. - They have more to provide than a mere lying in bed, staring at the roof, struggling to sleep for hours! 88. - Some naïfs fall in love at first sight. - I indeed fell in love on the first night! 32 David Rajulkahf 89. - Since that night, I became a night man. - The air is refreshing at night. - The hideous cities are fabulously different. - Roads are empty. - Nibourhods are quiet. - Listen to crickets and frogs. - And above all, sunrise is more glorious than sunset. 90. - Being awake at night and sleep during the day has advantages, I later discovered. - One of which is minimizing the shared active hours with all other people around. - The less I interact with people, the better off I am. - It follows that I am certainly better off dead! ******** 91. - I must state that I have a mixed feeling about my chosen execution method. - I always wanted to commit suicide as ethically and less painfully as possible. - These two significant aspects of my consideration limited my options. 33 David Rajulkahf - Which led me to adopt methods that, unfortunately, failed me. 92. - I recently was so close to achieving my dream. - My glorious firearm. - One day, God popped up into existence and put me face to face with a gun dealer in a public place. - I did not miss the chance, and we made the deal on the spot. - I ordered the very same gun of which I always dreamed. 93. - Although I am a nonsmoker, I sat with the guy smoking a joint, celebrating that, after all those years, my lifetime dream has finally and unexpectedly come true. - While waiting for the order to arrive, satan came into existence and sent us the police. 94. - The police arrested the guy for possessing weed. - I went back home, cursing God and satan until they both returned to their nonexistent natural state. - I was the most disappointed person on the planet that day. 34 David Rajulkahf 95. - I failed to find any effective method to end my life indoors. - I apologize for all the unpleasantness or trauma I may cause to anyone. - Still, three good things about my invented method kind of make me less disappointed for what satan did earlier. 96. - One of which is its symbolism. - The second is that I design my death uniquely as I used to design my life uniquely. - I invent my execution method the way invented everything else in my life. - That is cool. 97. - Furthermore, there is a possibility that my suicide will grab more attention being done this way rather than traditional indoors suicide. - This, hopefully, may lead to changes that make the lives of many individuals better-off and presumably save lots of lives. - Should that happens, then the potential positive utility is expected to overcome the negative utility I initiated. 35 David Rajulkahf - Yet, I sincerely apologize to anyone affected negatively. ******** 98. - I have not written here for many nights. - Tonight, I slept for ninety minutes only, then my inner demons woke me up. - They are conquering my brain. - They urge me to shut it down. - I also want to shut it down! - But it is too late now because it is already early morning. - I shall need to wait. - Another fucking day of battling with my inner demons. - You have no idea how painful is this battle. 99. - I indeed do have two people live permanently inside my skull. - They were born with me. - Sometimes, they have others for company. - They are all me, legally. - But I swear I am non. - I am a mere spectator. 36 David Rajulkahf 100. - One dude keeps popping up to convince me not to waste such human capital. - He supports his arguments with tons of comments and messages I consistently receive. - He insists that my investment is capable of giving me a decent life - He claims that, somehow, very soon, I will taste the fruit of my labor. - He tries to convince me that since I am ready, - And since I have nothing further to lose, - So chill out for a while, he says. 101. - I see where this guy is coming from. - I am not blind yet. - Well, this is one of the things that this mate is not considering. - Y.E.T. 102. - He is right that I have nothing further to lose. - But he is not right in thinking that my life can not go any worse. 103. - Given the bad luck I have, 37 David Rajulkahf - I am terrified that something happens that prevents me from the ability to commit suicide. - So, yes, I am not blind yet, but what if I become blind? - Should I risk becoming paralyzed while I am waiting for the messiah? - I am not afraid of death. - I am frightened of not being able to die. 104. - Given the inverse relationship between the investment in my human capital and my well-being, - The future does not look promising at all. - Though, I agree with the distressing fact of the wasted human capital that has great potential benefits. - Benefits that are not for me. Woefully. 105. – Unfortunately, my reality keeps weakening the position of that pathetic good-hearted guy. - This is why I always recall what Zorba once said to me, - “A man gotta do what a man gotta do.” 106. - Now, my fight with my inner demons is extended one more day. - Will it be the last day? 38 David Rajulkahf - Will I disconnect my brain next night? - Will my substances extend the battel longer? - I really do not know. - No one knows. - Not even God. - For there is no one. - And there is no God. ********* 107. - Always remember: - Hate never brings love; war never brings peace. - Cosmopolitanism is your goal. - Good luck! David Rajulkahf 07 October 2020 Östersund 39