It's so hard to say goodbye

I know this blog is all but defunct. I'm still here, just leading a very boring life: school, school, and more school. Well, I'm lying a little bit. I teach; I test; I research; I study. I'm practically an apple product (ha ha. iTest, iStudy, iResearch.. get it?) I wish I could say iDissertate, but it's more like iAvoidDissertating.

At this point, this post is really more for me. To remember. I've been re-reading my blog for just that reason. And I'm so glad that i blogged my life. I think a lot of blogs have slowed down for some reason, and I admit I have a hard time keeping up with reading blogs. But these last 10 days, I've been SO SO SO VERY glad that I blogged some of my life.

I'm just putting off the reason why I came to post. You would think that blogging/writing would be easier than verbally telling people, but as I sit here and compose this post, I have tears streaming down my face. On July 16, 2010, I had to say goodbye to my Cosmo kitty.

Many of you know that I didn't think we were meant for each other. He and his brother, Danger, came to me as fosters. I agreed to take care of them for three months (summer before junior year of college); those three months stretched out to over 15 years together. I got them in early May 1995- things didn't start well. I had an obsession with vacuuming. They did not really enjoy that about me so much. I was used to dogs, where I could give affection whenever I wanted (picture Elmira here). They got used to it. I didn't really know how to pet them, how to predict their jumping behavior, or how to interpret their body language. But we survived.

Can I tell you a secret? After two-three months together, I decided that though I loved them both, i got along better with Danger. He was a bit less excitable, he was more snuggly when i wanted him to be snuggly, and he didn't gouge my inner thighs out when someone knocked on the door. (Cosmo, if sitting on my lap, would dig in for traction as he ran off like a scared bunny rabbit).

He was named after Cosmo Kramer from Seinfeld. While I didn't name him, and he didn't learn his name for years afterwards, he EARNED his name quickly. I remember one night, junior year of college, laying (lying?) in bed reading myself to sleep. Cosmo was stretched out on top of my tall bookshelf. He decided he needed to stretch and did so by pushing off against the wall.

Tall bookcase + carpet floor + new kitty owner + big cat pushing against wall = win for gravity.

The bookcase (filled with books) came crashing down, scaring the living ever daylights out of me. Mostly, i was worried that Cosmo got smooshed underneath all those books and the bookcase. But he was fine. *I* was mad though.

After college, the kitties moved with me to Denver. They rode in the car with me and my parents (who didn't think I could manage to move on my own. I was 22 yo.) I was secretly delighted when they kept running across my dad's head in the middle of the night in the hotel rooms.

In Denver, we enjoyed life. We worked (er, I worked), we went back to school and got a master's degree, and we re-learned to knit! He really enjoyed that last one. He's chewed through almost every single project I've started so far (he always managed to find the working yarn and worked hard at separating the knitted object and the ball of yarn it was connected to...). He liked to sit out on the balcony with me to bird-watch. He loved when the miller moth season would come around; crunch crunch crunch!! He also loved to play a game where he sat between the shower curtain and liner on the edge of the tub while I was, uh, busy, and try to kill my hand as I traced patterns.

Then, someone got the not-so-bright idea to get her PhD. And we moved to Boston. The first year, I was welcomed to the city by some burglars, who stole my laptop, my ipod, and all my jewelry of value. What was I worried about though? The fact that they left the door open and whether my cats had run away, scared shitless. But no. Cosmo had hid himself in the teeniest tiniest corner of the bedroom closet. I felt so bad.

In March of 2008, Cosmo decided he didn't like it so much when I went away on trips. Well, actually, he was sick before I left, I just wasn't aware of it. When I got home, he was lethargic and UNINTERESTED in food. We're talking about the cat who's stolen more food off my plate than either of my dogs. I've caught him with his head IN my bag of popcorn in the past. So, we rushed off to the ER vet.

He was very very sick. Hepatic lipidosis, pancreatitis, and diabetic ketoacidosis. The ER vet told me it would be best to put him down while I sobbed my eyes out. I told her I wanted to give my baby a chance. Every day, he seemed better; every day, I went to visit him 2x per day. A week later, they let me take him home. He had a lot of meds. He needed a lot of care. He spent a lot of time on my lap. He was really weak though. And fragile. He needed help eating- they inserted a tube in his throat and i syringed food into his belly). The tube looked like an antenna, see?



And here's one with him, his antenna, and his brother Danger. Snuggling like usual.



I knew he was going to recover when I saw his little antenna bopping up and down out of the corner of my eye when I was reading in bed. I had been making his 'bed' under my nightstand. Close to me, but not up on the bed (I was worried he was too weak to jump up and down off the bed to use the potty). I couldn't not let him sleep with me, so I picked him up, and put a box next to the bed for him to use as a stepping stone. He used that box almost every night from then on.

After that ordeal (learning how to give him insulin, checking his blood sugar levels, changing his diet, and tube feeding him and lots of other stuff), we became closer than ever. He always did like to be near me, but now he was practically inseparable from me!





I have tons of pics where he's doing just that... touching the mommy. He loved to sit on me. ALL. THE. TIME. So I tried to train him to sit NEXT to me. And it worked most of the time. But he had to be touching me. I think he figured if he had a paw on me, he'd be alerted to when and if I moved.

For two plus years after he first got so, so sick, we've had a lot of fun together. He gave me some haircuts (he liked to nibble on my hair... trying to give me bangs, I think); he learned he liked to sleep under the covers, curled up in my armpit so he could rest his chin on my shoulder; he started enjoying all the car rides. He recovered beautifully from getting his eye removed and became a most dashing pirate kitty.





He and his brother were very close. I didn't know that cats could be in a 'bonded pair' (I learned this term recently) but if any two cats were bonded, it was these two.






So, we're both grieving. Danger walks around the house calling for his brother sometimes. I cry whenever I have to tell people that he's gone. I cry at night when I would give almost anything to have both of my babies tucked into bed with me.

After all this time (almost 16 years together!), he's left a huge hole in my heart and in my life. Some of you might think I'm crazy for how much medical attention I gave him; but I don't regret one minute of it. I miss taking care of him. I miss petting his shaved belly. I miss our snuggles in the morning as I gave him his meds. I miss coming home to him. I miss how he used to duck his head and shove it up against my face (as if to present his royal pate) when I asked him for a kiss. How do you not miss a pet with whom you've shared your entire adult life?

Making the decision to let him go peacefully instead of watching him struggle was an easy decision, yet one of the most difficult things I've ever done. Knowing I was going to be saying goodbye for the last time was heart-wrenching. I'm not sure I've ever cried so much. Through the last few days together, he sat next to me. (Maybe some of you are wondering why I put him to sleep. He wasn't eating, he had had several respiratory attacks of unidentifiable cause, and I didn't want him to have a painful slow death). I think he knew I needed those last few days, even though I had told him he could go when he was having a respiratory attack on Tuesday (7/13). I don't regret the decision to put him to sleep. I just regret we didn't have more time together. And I'll never regret any of the time, money, or love that I poured into that four legged furry fuzzball of love.

Since this here is supposedly a knitting blog, here's a pic of some yarn. With cat. Who appreciated him some nice yarn.



And his little paw. I love this picture.



Goodbye baby. I miss you. I love you.


I have to give a shout out to the terrific vet that saw us through these last 2.5 years of diabetes, chronic pancreatitis, hepatic lipidosis, heart murmur, chronic kidney disease, and lymphoma... and ascites (another nickname for Cosmo was lemon kitty. I think you can see why. Perhaps you are also wondering why it was a shock to me that he's gone. Yes, he wasn't the healthiest. But he was happy. And he lived through a lot of crap that most cats don't recover from).

Anyway, Dr. Doug Brum at Angell Memorial in Boston has been terrific. He saw us through to the very end. He loved Cosmo too. He guided us through every illness and kept his promise not to let me overtreat Cosmo. He and his team emailed me back on weekends and I trusted him to help my baby. I don't say that lightly. If there's a reason I'll be sad to leave Boston, it's b/c I'll be leaving this terrific vet. If you live in Boston and have a pet who has medical issues, try to see if Dr Brum is taking on new cases. You won't regret it.

Updates!!

The last month was a bit crazy. Finals (I HATE FINALS). If finals in grad school still consisted of multiple choice tests or essay exams, they wouldn't be so bad... but when finals means turning in humongo (30 pages!) papers... well. I hatez it.


more cat pictures

Is that not perfect for me? If you know me, you know that I am a procrastinator. Grad school is my punishment/boot camp for getting rid of this habit. A good friend of mine (mom of LRHM- little red headed monster- who's NOT so little anymore!) gave me a plaque as a b-day gift... it says "I have not yet BEGUN to procrastinate."

HAHAHHA.

After finishing finals, I had to give a presentation to the faculty of the research I am working on... THEN summer classes started.

MEANWHILE, Mr Cosmo, my sick kitteh, decided to give me a big gift, and decided he didn't need insulin for his diabetes anymore!! WOO HOO! I still check his blood sugar once in awhile to make sure we're on track, but he's still 'in remission' and is 'diet controlled.' For those of you who own kitty cats, I can not advocate enough for a wet food, low carb diet for your cat. I know that the dry food is super convenient, but it is also very high in carbs and one of the leading causes of diabetes in cats. If you are interested in switching, you can go HERE to find a couple charts of dry food and canned foods. the charts show a comparison of protein, fat, and carb content of the foods. Cosmo (and Danger) are on 10% or less carb canned food so that Danger doesn't BECOME diabetic and Cosmo can stay diet controlled. But YAY! He's doing so much better. We have another vet check up tomorrow, with more bloodwork. Bleh.

In knitting news, I haven't found a lace project yet. Looking for one that is either a stole, or a triangular shawl that is more like ENE (where you cast on a zillion stitches and DECREASE as you knit). I have started some Barn Raising Quilt squares, out of leftovers. A nice, almost non-thinking knit for me right now.

Hope everyone is doing well!!

Care package from down under!!

I would show a picture... but it would be of a ripped open package of Tim Tams, kind of like a bear had gotten into them or something. I'm trying to ration them out at a reasonable pace, but with finals season in full swing, it's tough.

Celia had a business trip to the USA a few weeks ago, she was in San Francisco, Houston, (not sure if there were more cities) but nothing on the East Coast. I would love to actually MEET Celia, since we have become such good friends through blogging. She snuck me a VALUE SHARE PACK of the original Tim Tams, and they are ever so lovely.

She also sent an issue of YARN, an Australian knitting magazine.

Pics for next time. I have to die for cute pics of my kitties snuggling, a finished sock (one Jaywalker done!)...

Not that anyone really thinks I blog on an even remotely regular basis, but just FYI that I am deep in the midst of finals (30 page paper due last week, 15 page paper this week, 25 pager next week, presentation the week after that, then I start summer classes....) I don't remember why I signed up for this torture right now, but I have to trust that it'll be worth it in the end.

Cat update: Cosmo is doing SO much better!! Thanks for all the well wishes. He comes and jumps on the bed for sleepy time. He is in full force with "must touch the mommy" and has, in fact, started to provoke his brother into some fights (which I break up b/c he still has the e-tube). Last night, he was laying next to me on the couch, and Danger was occupying my lap. Danger started swishing his tail in front of Cosmo's face. Cosmo accepted the invitation by taking a big chomp out of Danger's tail, and Danger had to respond by a quick "WHAP WHAP" on Cosmo's head. He remained undeterred and continued to chomp on the tail... another couple "WHAP WHAP WHAPs" and after I was done laughing, I reclaimed Danger's tail for him.

I'll be back with pics... probably sooner than later, since it'll give me something else to do (other than write the papers).

Cat-o-centric

I know most pet people think that their lives revolve around their pets. Feeding them, getting them to potty, petting... catering to their every whim. Now, BEFORE the last couple of weeks, I would have said I was a good, but sort of negligent owner. I was happy to leave out the never ending buffet of kibble, scoop their litter box every day, and feed them stinky goodness at night. Being a grad student, our 'quality time' together consisted of me on the sofa with my laptop where a cat should be, and one cat sprawled out next to me (usually... it was Cosmo. He's perfectly happy to lay against my leg... you know... so long as he's touching the mommy. Of course, sometimes, the cat is better than the laptop.


Obviously, this pic was taken a few weeks ago.

He still is happy to let me use most of my lap.



For the next few weeks, my life is going to revolved around him. He's got an esophogeal tube (e-tube) in his neck, b/c he won't eat. See?



I have to feed him (using a syringe) 4 times per day. Between the feedings and the 8 medications he's on (most of which are administered through the e-tube). This procedure (of warming and mixing his food, preparing his medications, and then giving them to him) takes me about 5 hours per day. For breakfast and dinner, it takes me longer b/c of the meds. At lunch and late night snack, it takes less time b/c all I have to do is the food. But that's ok. I'm so happy to have him home and doing better, that I'm thinking of all this time as our 'quality time.'

We went back to the vet on Friday for a check up. They drew blood, and his blood sugar is still high, but his bilirubin levels have come down considerably. When he was admitted on Monday,3/10, his bilirubin level was 4.0 (it should be around 0.1-0.3 or something). On that following Saturday (3/15), it had skyrocketed up to 16!! On Tuesday of coming home (3/18), it had dropped to 10. On Friday, it was 2.8. All signs point to his liver still actually functioning... What I need him to do now is to show that he can eat on his own. And for his toileting to improve (he gets in, but doesn't turn around. This positioning results in his pee going OUTSIDE of the box. Very unfortunate. Luckily, I went and purchased a bag of wee-wee pads. Invaluable.

KNITTING NEWS:
Here are some pics of print o the wave. There are kitty action shots (Danger... 'helping')

Here's a pic of a bigger section, where the stole is actually the focus of the picture.


And my sock in progress.



Pattern: Jaywalker by Grumperina, converted to toe up.
Yarn: Socks That Rock: Rare Gems
Needles: 2.5mm Addi Turbos, 100cm (magic loop)

I also have neglected to show off some Stash Acquisitions... from The Woolen Rabbit. I made the Print O The Wave from her laceweight, and about midway through, I was mourning the loss of this yarn in the stash. So... I bought more!


I bought 2 skeins of laceweight (in Raspberry and Thyme, and Blue Lagoon) and 2 skeins of superwash sock (in blue lagoon and some other purty color I can't remember right now).

Thankfully, close only counts with hand grenades and horseshoes...

First of all, thanks to all of you for the support, positive vibes, thoughts, prayers, etc etc. for my Cosmo. I was in tears just thinking of all the people pulling for my Cosmo. I tried to reply to everyone, but some of you well-wishers were either lurkers, or sent over by Chris and I didn't have your email addresses stored in my gmail account... so let me publicly thank all of you.

Since I posted Wednesday night, lots has happened...
News update: He did not have the procedure done. His enzyme levels spiked, indicating that something was wrong. They thought he might have an obstructed gall bladder, but the ultrasound showed that his gall bladder has decided NOT to play follow the leader, and is perfectly fine. I'm not sure I could've kept going if his gall bladder was also having problems (um, I'm not sure it would have been up to me, b/c the vet said that the only treatment for obstructed gall bladder is surgery, and he would not have survived). SO. Good news. No obstructed gall bladder. We only have to worry about the liver and the ketones, mostly. (supposedly the pancreatitis will resolve itself as the diabetes and liver are brought under control).

They inserted a feeding tube through his nose instead. They'll see if things improve and he gets strong enough for the other kind of feeding tube on Saturday. His ketone levels have improved considerably (the range is from 0-4. Should be at 0. he was at 4 when admitted. Currently is at 1). Additionally, he purred for me today!! I took a felted woolen mousie and his brush. He purred while I brushed him and gave him scritches, so I am heartily encouraged.

That was all yesterday... Today, his ketones level dropped down to zero, which is the normal, healthy level. YAY! The bad news was that his blood pressure has dropped. However, every visit, he's more alert. Every day, he's moving a bit more. A bit stronger. So the plan is to put the e-tube in tomorrow morning. He'll be able to get more nutrients into his body, which should speed up his rate of recovery.

Meanwhile, I feel like right now, all I ever talk about is my cats. And my cats' toilet habits. I was, of course, mostly worried to death about Cosmo, but began worrying about Danger too, since he decided to stop pooping. My babies are boys, and they usually don't let me forget it. They're regular. Like clockwork. Every day. They produce. Before I left for Chicago, Cosmo was the one who became a bit irregular (they have their own preferred deposit location for their goods. Upper left of the box is Cosmo's spot... right smack dab in the middle of the box is Danger's spot. Wow, that's SO TMI). Since Tuesday, I have not had to scoop. Every morning, I look hopefully for a deposit... as if it was a golden goose egg instead of a stinky stinky. I called the vet this morning, and he recommended some hairball remedy (since it's mostly mineral oil... gets the insides all lubed up) or some bran or metamucil to help with fiber content. I gave him a bit of the hairball remedy this morning, and he's finally left a little pile of love for me. Never thought I'd be so happy to see some poop. Aren't you glad you tuned into the Cosmo and Danger channel of geriatric cathood?

Seriously folks, thanks so much for all the good thoughts for my furbaby Cosmo. He's getting better!

ps. I finished and blocked Print O The Wave. LOVE LOVE LOVE it. Will find some sunlight and take pics. I SWEAR.

TINK a long

Seems I have done almost the opposite of knitting lately (of the time that I spend on knit related things, I have not spent enough of that time actually KNITTING).

First, the mystery stole debacle. Then, the phenomenon that is Ravelry. There are discussion boards, groups, pictures, patterns, stashes, projects (both finished and in progress), books... and whatever else knitting/crochet related that you could imagine. I've been sucked in and am busy taking pictures of my stash in order to properly catalog what all I have...

23 skeins of koigu.
10 skeins of Cherry Tree Hill
10 skeins of BMFA Socks That Rock

uh... maybe I don't want to keep inventory-ing.

When I piled all the koigu up on my couch so I could take pictures and double check colorways?