THE FIRST THE SECOND THE THIRD THE FOURTH

HORSEMAN: HORSEMAN: HORSEMAN: HORSEMAN:

Criticism Contempt Defensiveness Stonewalling

ANTIDOTE: ANTIDOTE: ANTIDOTE: ANTIDOTE:

Gentle Build a Culture of Take Physiological

Startup Appreciation Responsibility Self-Soothing

The Four Horsemen

of the Apocalypse
& THEIR ANTIDOTES
In his 50+ years of research, Dr. John Gottman identified specific negative communication
patterns that reliably predict divorce. He named them The Four Horsemen of the
Apocalypse.

Fortunately, each horseman has a proven positive behavior that will counteract negativity,
which Dr. Gottman terms “antidotes.”

Use this download as a guide to understanding and addressing the Four Horsemen in your
relationship. Read through each of the horsemen and consider whether you or your partner
use these negative patterns in your conflict discussions. From there, you can begin to
implement the antidotes and find healthier communication patterns.
 THE FIRST HORSEMAN: ANTIDOTE TO CRITICISM:

Criticism Gentle Startup

Verbally attacking Talk about your feelings
personality or character. using “I” statements and
express a positive need.

1 Criticism
You may have complaints about the person you love, but complaints are
different from criticism.

Complaints usually contain a feeling about a specific situation and an

accompanying request. Criticism expresses negative feelings or opinions
about another person’s personality or character. Criticism often contains
words like “you always” or “you never.”

EXAMPLE:

Complaint: Criticism:
“I’m upset that you didn’t “You never help me
help me clean up before VS around the house. Why are
our guests arrived. Could you so lazy? What’s wrong
you help me next time?” with you?”

ANTIDOTE TO CRITICISM:

Gentle Startup
A gentle start-up begins with “I feel,” leads into “I need,” and then respectfully
asks to fulfill that need. There’s no blame or criticism, which prevents the
discussion from escalating into an argument.

EXAMPLE:

In this example, instead of

Criticism: Antidote: criticizing with “you”
statements and “always”
“You always talk about “I’m feeling left out of our generalizations, this person
yourself. Why are you talk tonight and I need to implements a Gentle Startup
always so selfish?” vent. Can we please talk by using “I’m feeling”, and
about my day?” stating their need (in this
case, “can we talk?”).
 THE SECOND HORSEMAN: ANTIDOTE TO CONTEMPT:

Contempt Build a Culture of

Appreciation
Attacking sense of self with
intent to insult or assuming Remind yourself of your
a position of moral partner’s positive qualities
superiority. and find gratitude for
positive actions.

2 Contempt EXAMPLE:
Contempt is the worst of the four horsemen. It is the most
destructive negative behavior in relationships. In Dr. John
Contempt
Gottman’s five decades of research, he found it to be the
number one predictor of divorce. “You’re ‘tired?’ Cry me a river.
I’ve been with the kids all day,
Contempt goes far beyond the first horseman, criticism. While running around like mad to
criticism attacks your partner’s character, contempt assumes a keep this house going and all
position of moral superiority over them. It is a form of disrespect. you do when you come home
from work is flop down on that
This horseman includes mocking, eye-rolling, sneering, sofa like a child and play those
name-calling, and hostile humor. In whatever form, contempt is idiotic video games. I don’t
poisonous to the relationship because it conveys disgust. It leads have time to deal with another
to more conflict rather than reconciliation. kid. Could you be any more
pathetic?”
Contempt, simply put, says, “I’m better than you. And you are
lesser than me.”

ANTIDOTE TO CONTEMPT:

Build a Culture of Appreciation

One way to build a culture of appreciation is by A third way to build a culture of appreciation is by
practicing Small Things Often. If you regularly having more positive interactions in your
express appreciation, gratitude, affection, and relationship than negative ones. Dr. John
respect for your partner, you’ll create a positive Gottman terms this the “magic ratio” or “the 5:1
perspective in your relationship that acts as a ratio” and uses a banking metaphor to describe
buffer for negative feelings. it. Essentially, if you have five or more positive
interactions for every one negative interaction,
Another way is to show and verbalize regular then you’re making regular deposits into your
appreciation and admiration for your partner. emotional bank account, which keeps your
Look for ways of letting the other person know relationship in the green. The bottom line: focus
that they are important and valued, focus on on creating more positive interactions with your
what you cherish in each other and share those partner.
thoughts regularly, and show affection on a
regular basis.
ANTIDOTE TO CONTEMPT:
Build a Culture of Appreciation (continued)
EXAMPLE:

The antidote here works well

Contempt: Antidote: because it expresses
“You forgot to load the “I understand that you’ve understanding right off the
bat. This partner shows how
dishwasher again? Ugh. been busy lately, but could
they know that the lack of
You are so incredibly lazy.” you please remember to cleanliness isn’t out of laziness
(Rolls eyes.) load the dishwasher when or malice, and so they do not
I work late? I’d appreciate make a contemptuous
statement about their partner
it.”
or take any position of moral
superiority. Instead, this
antidote is a respectful request,
and it ends with a statement of
appreciation.
 THE THIRD HORSEMAN: ANTIDOTE TO DEFENSIVENESS:

Defensiveness Take Responsibility

Victimizing yourself to Accept your partner’s
ward off a perceived attack perspective and offer an
and reverse the blame. apology for any wrongdoing.

3 Defensiveness EXAMPLE:
Defensiveness is self-protection in the form of righteous
indignation or innocent victimhood in an attempt to ward off a
Question:
perceived attack. It’s typically a response to criticism. When a
person feels unjustly accused, they look for excuses so that their “Did you call Betty and Ralph
partner will back off. Unfortunately, this strategy is almost never to let them know that we’re
successful. Excuses just tell their partner that they don’t take not coming tonight as you
their concerns seriously and that they won’t take responsibility promised this morning?”
for mistakes.

One common form of defensiveness is the “innocent victim” Defensive Response:

stance, where the defensive partner sends the message “why “I was just too darn busy today.
are you picking on me” or “nothing I do will please you.” As a matter of fact, you know
just how busy my schedule
Defensiveness also goes hand in hand with blame. The defensive was. Why didn’t you just do it?”
partner may reverse blame in an attempt to make it the other
partner’s fault.

ANTIDOTE TO DEFENSIVENESS:

Take Responsibility
By taking responsibility in your part of the conflict, you can prevent the conflict from escalating.

Having acknowledged that you have some role in the problem, you are accepting responsibility for a part
of it. From here, you can work towards a compromise and have a real dialogue with your partner. You
become a team working through the problem together.

EXAMPLE:

By taking responsibility for part

Defensiveness: Antidote: of the conflict (trying to leave
“It’s not my fault that we’re “I don’t like being late, but too early), even while asserting
that they don’t like to be late,
going to be late. It’s your you’re right. We don’t this partner prevents the
fault since you always get always have to leave so conflict from escalating by
dressed at the last early. I can be a little more admitting their role in the
second.” flexible.” conflict. From here, this couple
can work towards a
compromise.
 THE FOURTH HORSEMAN: ANTIDOTE TO STONEWALLING:

Stonewalling Physiological
Self-Soothing
Withdrawing from an
interaction to avoid conflict Take a break and spend that
and convey disapproval, time doing something
distance, and separation. soothing and distracting.

4 Stonewalling EXAMPLE:
Stonewalling occurs when the listener withdraws
from the interaction, shuts down, and simply
Shutting down during an argument, looking
stops responding to their partner. Rather than
away, tuning out your partner, not listening,
confronting the issues with their partner, people
“the silent treatment”.
who stonewall can make evasive maneuvers such
as tuning out, turning away, acting busy, or Stonewalling during conflict leads to…
engaging in obsessive or distracting behaviors.
A decrease in the ability to process
This horseman usually arrives later in the course information (reduced hearing, reduced
of the relationship than the other three and may peripheral vision, problems with shifting
show up as a response to the other horsemen in attention away from a defensive posture).
a partnership. When discussions begin with An increase in defensiveness.
harsh start-ups and criticism and contempt are
frequent in conflict conversations, one partner A reduction in the ability for creative
may turn to stonewalling to tune out their problem-solving.
partner and avoid dealing with conflict. A reduction in the ability to listen and
empathize.

ANTIDOTE TO STONEWALLING:

Physiological Self-Soothing If you don’t take a break, you’ll find

yourself either stonewalling and bottling
up your emotions, or you’ll end up
When one partner begins EXAMPLE: exploding at your partner, or both, and
stonewalling during a conflict neither will get you anywhere good.
conversation, usually they are
When you take a break, it should last at
physiologically flooded. Once that “I’m feeling least twenty minutes. This is how long it
person becomes flooded, it is overwhelmed and I takes for your body to physiologically
impossible to continue discussing need to take a break. calm down. It’s crucial that during this
the issue at hand in a rational and time you avoid thoughts of righteous
Can you give me indignation (“I don’t have to take this
respectful way. twenty minutes and anymore”) and innocent victimhood
then we can talk?” (“Why is he always picking on me?”).
Taking a break to engage in Spend your time doing something
physiological self-soothing soothing and distracting, like listening
to music, reading, or exercising. It
combats flooding during conflict. doesn’t really matter what you do, as
long as it helps you to calm down.
 Your Quick Four Horsemen
Guide

THE FIRST THE SECOND THE THIRD THE FOURTH

HORSEMAN: HORSEMAN: HORSEMAN: HORSEMAN:

Criticism Contempt Defensiveness Stonewalling

Verbally attacking Attacking sense of Victimizing yourself Withdrawing to
personality or self with intent to to ward off a avoid conflict to
character. insult or assuming a perceived attack convey disapproval,
position of moral and reverse the distance, and
superiority. blame. separation.

ANTIDOTE: ANTIDOTE: ANTIDOTE: ANTIDOTE:

Gentle Build a Culture of Take Physiological

Startup Appreciation Responsibility Self-Soothing
Talk about your Remind yourself of Accept your Take a break and
feelings using "I" your partner's partner's spend that time
statements and positive qualities perspective and doing something
express a positive and find gratitude offer an apology for soothing and
need. for positive actions. any wrongdoing. distracting.