A MATTER OF TASTE

A PunkApocalyptic: The RPG Mission for Expert Mercs

Revenge, they say, is a dish best served on a sesame-seed bun, But then, Harland… well, Harland had himself a major
with a side of fries. revelation about his buddy Carl, the OmNom, and the future.
Actually, nobody but “Crimson” Carl Culver says that, but since Harland burned their encampment, left his partner for dead,
he’s the driver behind this mission, his shitty opinion gets top and absconded with the OmNom. Culver, already pretty fucking
billing. This one is for expert-level characters, which is kind of a put out as you might imagine, suffered extreme insult follow by
joke, ’cause the only things “expert-level” characters are expert grievous injury when he received the equivalent of a gang-bang
at in PunkApocalyptic are taking dumps, killing things, and by a pack of slitherskin as he tried to get back to what passes
as “civilization” in the Wasteland.
presumably avoiding dirt-naps—at least so far, that is. We’re
What’s a slitherskin, you ask? Shit, pilgrim, you’re gonna wish
gonna throw some nasty gribblies at your PCs, ones that’d you hadn’t. Truly. Slitherskin are sentient cast-off epidermises
otherwise make paste outta lower-level pukes, lest they didn’t (or “epidermides” for all you pedantic assholes) that bailed
just drop dead first from sheer fucking fright. on their original bodies and have gone rogue, living a life

GIMME THE COMBO:

free of musculature attachment. They expand their ranks by
occasionally, erm, “molesting” whoever is unfortunate enough
to encounter them. If a slitherskin can—well, let’s go with the
A TALE AND word “fondle” to maintain a pretense of decency—a victim for
long enough, the largest organ of their body gets ideas of its
A MISSION own and decides to run off and join their newfound friends in
the fantastical fucked-up no-body circus.
Once upon a time, Carl Culver, right before he picked up the I’m guessing you’ve figured out why Culver gets called
“Crimson” moniker—we’ll get to that—ran with his buddy, “Crimson” these days, eh?
Harland, and a bunch of hardcases who all were interested in Despite the heavy odds against it, dude survived! Carl’s one
the culinary arts. Now, you’ve probably gathered by now that tough and mean sonofabitch. The now-skinless man regularly
the bulk of victuals available in the Wasteland are not much of drapes himself in cloth wraps that eventually turn a sickly red
a cut above a rotten dead-dog’s ass. Culver and Harland had from his not-skin’s seepage, making him look a bit like a fucked-
been determined to change that for a long time. To that end, up faintly dirty pink mummy with too-bright eyes. Once the
the two of them spent years searching for ancient troves of wraps get red and nasty, he swaps ’em for a new, clean set.
spices, setting folks to tending small stunted groves of precious Despite the painful distraction of the miserable fucking
herbs, experimenting with dozens existence he now leads absent any skin, Culver slowly rebuilt
of ways to serve rodent and roach, and so forth. his “food empire” and now, the time has at last come for his
After years of searching for ways to improve on the general vengeance. Through his scouts, he’s found out where his old
partner is holed up, and also has a damn good idea where his
“ashy” flavor of many Wasteland meats and produce, they
traitorous skin is lurking as well.
stumbled upon some information about the existence of the
OmNom. Well, at least that’s what they called it.
What the fuck is an OmNom? It’s an “advanced gastronomic
device that partially transmutes raw matter placed into it,
vastly improving its tactile and flavor profile.” Or at least that’s CREDITS
what the description from the original brochure says about the Words: TS Luikart
device. How does it work? How the fuck should I know? Does Development and Art Direction: Robert J. Schwalb
it matter? It’s an “Art Clarke-style magical” food processor. Word Polishing: Tom Cadorette
Last Defense Against Bullshit: Jay Spight
I presume you can see how that would be insanely fucking Making It Look Awesome: Kara Hamilton
valuable in the Wasteland, yes?
Right, so Carl and his mates set out in search of the OmNom. A Matter of Taste is © 2020 Schwalb Entertainment, LLC.
A lot of folks got killed along the way, mostly anybody who All Rights Reserved. PunkApocalyptic is © 2014 Bad Roll
Games. PunkApocalyptic and its associated logos are
got in their way, along with a substantial number of Carl and trademarks of Bad Roll Games. Schwalb Entertainment
Harland’s gang of chefs—you know how these things go. and its associated logos are trademarks of Schwalb
Amazingly enough, they actually tracked down a working Entertainment, LLC.
version of the machine. Glorious fucking victory was at hand! PO Box #12548, Murfreesboro, TN 37129
[email protected]
1
www.schwalbentertainment.com
 Why should the latter matter? Well, here’s the thing: fair amount of muscle. Culver’s right-hand man, Bob the Biggest
Culver’s been doing some “research,” consulting various Burger Boy (see “Personalities,” below), handles most of the
“texts” and “experts” to help him resolve his dilemma— day-to-day operations. Crimson’s actually caters to clients
and we’ve already discussed the caliber of what passes for Culver deems trustworthy, but you better fucking pay promptly,
“expertise” in the Wasteland, so you can imagine the quality as Bob collects on “delinquent” accounts with interest, usually
of the info he’s garnered. in an interestingly violent fashion.
Anywho, he’s convinced that if he can process his rogue If your game makes use of Scrapbridge, then Crimson’s can
epidermis through the OmNom, once he eats it, it will grow be found in the Armpit district. Kids from the Beam, Shelter,
back. Seriously. That’s what he thinks. Nothing like a little and Facesmack form the ranks of the standard Burger Boys. If
auto-cannibalism to revitalize one’s detached pores, right? you place Crimson’s elsewhere in the Wasteland, it should be
(Auto-cannibalism? Self-consumption? Who the fuck knows someplace like a walled town or a well-organized junk town
what the behavioral term for “eating your own savory sentient situated near a trade crossroad, as those are the only kinds of
skin” is called?) settlements where Culver could make any bullets running a
Now Harland? Well actually, the years have been alright to gourmet burger joint.
him. Since his rampaging and killing days with Culver, he’s While the characters are out shopping, looking for
reformed his ways and rebranded himself: he’s now become a entertainment, or just fucking about, they are approached by
militant vegan. What the fuck, you say? Hey, it makes just as Bob, with a posse of lesser-muscled Burger Boys (6 guards) for
much fucking sense as anything else in the Wasteland these appearances. Bob looks like a mountain with legs and sports
days. He’ll tolerate vegetarians, with some distaste, but meat a big black pompadour, with a huge smile that seems friendly
eaters are right out in his crew. And these days, no one calls enough, which belies the incredible violence he is capable
him Harland—he goes by Colonel Seitan. I shit you not. of. He tells the characters that his boss has heard of some of
It should be noted that Colonel Seitan’s forces are intensely their more “successful” exploits and has a job offer that will
loyal—the best among them get to regularly eat various pay well. To sweeten the deal, he’ll offer them a free burger
substances and salad stuffs processed through the OmNom meal—“best in the Wasteland!”—just for listening to his offer.
and they will not give it up without a fight. If the characters push back and insist on knowing more
So that’s the mission as Culver will pitch it to the characters: up front, Bob will truthfully say he doesn’t know, that’s his
retrieve the slitherskin that was once his meatsack, and boss’s business. He doesn’t hide who he works for though. A
recover the OmNom, preferably as violently as possible, with successful Brains roll with 1 asset will reveal Carl Culver as the
an added bonus for the intentional demise’ing of his old buddy man behind Crimson’s, but nobody knows much about him,
Colonel Seitan. other than he avoids the public (not an uncommon trait for a
Wastelander with the means to do so), dresses like a mummy,
BURGER BOY and is responsible for some of the best grub in town. Presuming
the characters aren’t complete morons or assholes, they’ll take
ENTREE Bob up on his offer. If they don’t… well, that’s the end of the
fucking mission. Send your players home and get yourself some
Culver’s main base of operations is in the back of a large, dingy new ones.
burger stand formed from pitted scrap metal, with closable
metal shutters. The stand boasts an actual working neon
sign, maybe the only functional one the characters have ever CULVER’S MENU
seen in the Wasteland, which flickers to life each night for a
few hours, depicting a bright yellow burger surrounding by a OFFERING
slowly blinking red “C” for Crimson’s, the joint’s name—not Bob leads the characters to Crimson’s, into a series of
particularly original, but Carl said “fuck it” and decided to play backrooms, all of which are surprisingly clean and spartan.
to the rumors and his reputation. One large room is filled with some beat-up filing cabinets that
Crimson’s serves the best rodent and/or roach burgers hold dozens of jars full of varied herbs and a variety of less
around. No foolin’. Culver might be crazy, but dude can cook identifiable substances. There is a machine humming in one
and he’s taught some of his skills and knowledge to his gang… corner that resembles some sort of washing machine that
um, “employees,” known as the Burger Boys. Despite the name, looks like it developed a wire-filled goiter. Characters who get
they don’t stand on formality when it comes to gender: the close to it can, wonder of wonders, actually feel cold radiating
Boys comprise males, females, and those who will punch you in from it.
the neck or not minding your own damn business. Bob indicates that the characters should each take a place
The stand is generally run by the Boys as Culver tends to at the table, and a Burger Boy soon appears to take their order.
avoid public appearances (for obvious reasons). The Burger A gravelly voice emerges from behind the partially closed door
Boys range from local kids who work in exchange for vittles, of another small, connected room: “Eat up first, then we’ll talk.
and a chance to pick up some actual decent cooking skills, to Never talk business on an empty stomach.” Crimson’s burgers
gangers who serve Culver’s more extended operations: scouts, actually taste…well…not bad, which for Wasteland grub, is
sump rat hunters, roach farmers, a greasemonkey or two, and a near-miraculous. Maybe a little crunchy (it’s hard to grind up
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all those roach carapaces) but there are even small amounts • Most of Seitan’s men are armed with melee weapons, but
of condiments! Without having to make any rolls, the players they do have crossbows, and maybe a gun or two.
should figure out their characters are being served meals that • Culver notes, somewhat grudgingly, that “Harland can
likely cost a few bullets each. handle himself in a fight, too. Just sayin’.”
Once they’ve finished eating, Carl “Crimson” Culver makes • The OmNom weighs about 20 lbs. It resembles a super-
his appearance. While he does emerge in a relatively clean large Instant Pot made from gleaming chrome, with a
robe, only his lower torso is “properly” wrapped. If you need a dizzying array of instruments and panels along its sides.
primer on what he looks like, Google “skinless man,” then add If your players don’t know what an Instant Pot is, tell ’em
a grey terrycloth robe, some wrapped bandages from the waist to Google that shit.
down, and a set of piercing blue eyes. If you’re particularly On the off-chance one of your players happens to have taken
sadistic, or any of the characters are clearly squeamish, make the Doctor Expert Path (and congrats to them on such a
’em roll a successful Guts roll with 1 asset or they lose the selfless choice for a Wastelander scumbucket!), they’re pretty
fancy meal they just scarfed down. Culver ignores such a sure Culver should have died from bacterial infections within
reaction—it’s not like it hasn’t happened before. a few days or a week, tops, of losing his skin, one of the many
Play Culver however you like, though I think “fervent,” purposes of the epidermis being to keep such things, you
“angry,” and “barely contained” help sum him up nicely. He know, “out” of your body. That means slitherskin likely expose
insists that he’s not a “goddamn mutard” (with a “no offense,” you to some kind of mutagen in order for you to survive their
if one or more of the characters are), and then tells the mercs “attentions.” It’s probably best not to point that out to Culver,
he has two things he wants them to retrieve for him. He though. Everybody else can guess this on a successful Brains
launches into a truncated version of his past with Harland, roll with 2 complications.
one that emphasizes him being stabbed in the back and stolen Culver offers a purse with the equivalent of 20 bullets,
from by his partner, rather than all the terrible things they did 4 food, 4 water, and 2 medicine to each mercenary for the
together in their search for the OmNom. He then gets around to return of both his skin and the OmNom. It’s an all-or-nothing
the “other matter”: his missing skin. deal—both items or no moolah. Additionally, he’ll throw in
Culver passes along the following bits of info when a bonus if the characters bring back proof positive that they
questioned about the mission: killed Colonel Seitan—as in, his head. In addition to a single
• Slitherskin are evil fucking things, sluggish during the day bonus purse of 30 bullets, for the rest of their lives, once a
and active at night. They’re damn clever though, so don’t month, they’re entitled to a full meal at Crimson’s for free.
If the mercs make with the fancy talk, a Mouth roll can
underestimate them.
convince Culver into an advance of 5 bullets apiece, taken
• His errant skin lurks in a small abandoned town in the out against their potential future payout, but if they fail in
wastes three days journey by foot to the northeast. He their mission, he’ll be expecting the advance back. Presuming
knows because his scouts have spotted it there several they take the deal, Culver hands over a rough map showing
times with others of its ilk. The characters can identify the general location of both targets and then gestures to Bob
which one is his because he had a large tattoo of a smiling to escort the characters out. He says to them very seriously
cheerful star on his chest, which “his” slitherskin now bears. “Remember: bring back both the OmNom *and* my skin, or
• He notes that life is pretty awful if you don’t have any skin, there’s no deal.”
particularly on your junk, as it’s pretty difficult to get any, so
guess what you aren’t getting much of. (He double points at
his crotch and thrusts once for those slow on the uptake.) RIVER OF CARS
• Something else lurks in the slitherskin town, but he doesn’t Assuming they’re on foot, it will take the characters roughly
know what it is. His scouts said, rather disconcertingly three days to cross mostly wasteland terrain to reach their first
after one of them went missing, that whatever it is, it’s destination, a charming little place handwritten as “Skinville”
“big” and “fast!” on their map. The first day and part of the second are fairly
standard travel through the Wasteland: generally miserable
• Colonel Seitan (Culver’s contempt is withering when he
lands, with little to see, save a few tumbleweeds, and not much
spits out the name) has a compound another two days
to hear except a steady moaning wind and the bitching of their
northwest of the abandoned town (putting it roughly five fellow mercs.
days north of their present location). The compound is Midway through the second day, the characters notice some
semi-fortified, built upon the ruin of an old restaurant, flickering light up ahead of them. As they crest a rise, they see
where he no doubt has the OmNom. sunlight glinting off a long expanse of cars at least five wide
• The Colonel has some followers, somewhere just north of and stretching off before them northward into the distance—
twenty or so at most, but the majority are just weedy little the choked and ruined remains of an ancient highway with an
chumps; however, he has at least two fairly dangerous ones untold number of abandoned vehicles.
– a pale thin woman with a nasty sword, who moves quicker The rusted and pitted hulks are barely worthy of being called
than a striking rattlesnake, along with a huge hulking “cars,” as most have their hoods and trunks open, with most
bastard, “even bigger than Bob, if you can believe that shit.” of their engines and interiors having already been stripped of
3
 any useful parts. A truly determined junker or salvager might are several slitherskin equal to the number of characters, one
eventually find a truck worth fieldstripping; it’s Size 4, which of which sports a big, yellow, smiley-faced star. The slitherskin
will take them 4 hours to process (see PunkApocalyptic, page are indeed sluggish by day and cannot take Fast turns; however,
38), thus expending a good chunk of that day’s remaining their “buddy” Grunkee Bollwaz (see “Personalities,” below)
daylight for travel. certainly can. Grunkee is a massive mutant who looks sort of
The old highway is headed in the direction of Skinville, so they like what a sick dog might puke up after eating several multi-
can travel parallel to it or walk directly along it as they see fit. colored beetles and a case of Play-Doh, which then forms into
Nearing twilight on the second day, a big damn dust storm starts a large, vaguely humanoid shape, and subsequently sprouts a
brewing on the horizon. Anyone acting as a scout for the group
tentacle covered with pus-dripping eyes. Grunkee loves to play
can make an Eyes roll. A successful roll means they realize the
with his “happy slippy friends,” the only creatures that have
storm is headed their way and they will be able to drag their
fellow mercs into cover before the storm arrives. Failure means never fled his presence in stark terror. The slitherskin, for their
they get hit with the swift-moving storm quicker than they can part, find Grunkee disgusting and would certainly never even
believe and all must roll Meat. Failure means 1d6 + 2 damage consider touching his nasty-ass skin, much less welcoming it
from the storm and old rusty car shrapnel, as well as becoming into their fold, but he is an excellent guard beast, so they make
blinded, until they find shelter. The cars are shit for shelter and nice with him.
they’ll have to repeat their Meat rolls or take further damage It takes a successful Hands roll to slip down into Skinville
every 1d6 + 1 rounds thereafter while exposed. without causing little rock slides that echo about the area.
Luckily, there’s what looks to be a derelict but mostly Success means they can stealthily enter town where they soon
standing building of some kind—an old warehouse—about a spot a building whose frame is missing a door, with Grunkee
hundred yards away. It’s easily rushed to if the characters knew sleeping on the inside, his back to the characters. It is difficult
the storm was coming, or 1d3 rounds of fighting through the for them to determine what they are looking at when they first
storm with concomitant Meat rolls of inclement weather abuse see Grunkee from behind. Have anyone that successfully creeps
if not. The warehouse is intact enough to take the storm’s up on the big mutant make a Brains roll with 1 asset to realize
abuse in stride. the weird pile of quivering flesh can likely rise up and attack.
How convenient! Too convenient? Oh yeah, waaaaay too If they attack him while he’s asleep, they get one free round of
convenient because there’s an addler herd in the building’s
attacks in.
basement. At first, the addlers don’t hear the characters due
Failure won’t alert the slitherskin regardless as they can’t
to the sounds of the storm. The second level of the building
has long since crumbled, the debris of which is stacked up “hear” per se, but it does tell Grunkee that somebody is about.
against the back wall, leaving only the ground floor and the Grunkee is not much of a talker, so once alerted to the mercs’
basement. The stairs leading to the basement can’t really be presence, he’ll do his best to creep up on them, if he can, or
blocked off. The addlers are listless at first, but that changes simply approach them if they fail their stealth rolls in plain
once they smell the mercs. In the inevitable ensuing fight, sight. He will size them up for a bit to see if they’re “bad men”
any attacks that miss with either a two-handed weapon or or not. In his opinion, generally anyone who comes to Skinville
a firearm causes parts of the ceiling to crash down. The bad to hurt his “friends” are bad men, so, yeah, he’ll usually decide
news is that the character who missed must succeed on a Feet to ambush or straight out attack them. A very fast-talking
roll or be struck by chunks of falling debris for 2d6 damage. character with a high Mouth score and some serious guts
The good news is that every time this happens, the addler herd might be able to engage in conversation with Grunkee. Grunkee
automatically takes 3d6 damage as “dodging” is a concept is slow on the uptake, but so happy that anybody is willing
quite beyond them. to talk to him that he will hold off for a bit on hostilities and
Rooting about the building in the fight’s aftermath will yield may even encourage the characters to leave before (big stage
4 pieces of useful salvage and a sealed thermos with 2 water whisper) “they wake up!” We’ll leave it to the GM to sort out
worth of old, weak tea. The storm blows over in a few hours the results of suspiciously nonviolent PunkApocalyptic activity.
and the characters can move on. No amount of talking, however, will get him to turn over

SKINVILLE
Culver’s former epidermis without a fight.
Any fight with Grunkee will certainly rouse the slitherskin,
who will arrive within 1d6 rounds of the combat starting. If
Skinville is a charming little cluster of seven dilapidated but
mostly intact houses still showing traces of yellow and red Grunkee falls, the slitherskin will likely bolt soon after, unless
paint, sitting in a semi-sheltered valley with sparse patches of one or more gets caught up in the midst of trying to “expand
green grass throughout. All the above likely should make the the family.” Once the characters capture or get Culver’s former
mercs very (correctly) suspicious. The relatively placid nature skin to stop slithering, the mercs should probably stick it in a
of the vale is enforced by the slitherskin and their “protector” bag or something, else it will attempt to flee.
ruthlessly eliminating (or recruiting!) trespassers. Looting the buildings will result in finding the remains of
A flense of slitherskin (yes, the collective noun for a group former “bad men,” leading to a haul of 10 bullets, 3 water, and
is, in fact, a “flense”) lairs in one of the houses’ attics. There 2 medicine.
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 1 foreman, and 1 watch leader. One such group will always be
BOK BOK CHIRP manning the fortress.
All of them ultimately report to Captain Soya Shake (see
Their next target lies two days to the northwest of Skinville. “Personalities,” below) who, in turn, reports to the Colonel.
This journey is less eventful than the last leg, though on Captain Shake is fairly laid back for a ruthless killer. She’s a
the second day, as they approach within a few hours of the pale woman with platinum hair, wiry muscles, and a very sharp
outskirts of the area the Colonel’s forces control, they hear sword. During the day, she usually patrols about. At night,
a hell of a thing just before they see it: in the distance, a unless expecting trouble, she can be found in the Colonel’s
susurration, which manifests into a vast multitude of creatures suite on the fortress’s second floor, either fucking his brains
making the same, collective, continuous sounds, pronounced out or sleeping, depending on the hour. Before the start of any
thusly: “BOK BOK CHUURP!” fight, she takes a dose of a special combat drug she’s created
A vast brood of lizardcocks is slowly working its way over that’s been enhanced by the OmNom.
the fields before them, pecking at the ground, standing on During the day, Colonel Harland Seitan (see “Personalities,”
rocks, each other—they’re none too bright. The lizardcocks below) can occasionally be seen helping in the gardens, for
mostly ignore the characters, unless they decide to grab a few the sake of appearances. Most of the time, he can be found
for dinner. In such a case, the brood makes such a massive in his suite, which takes up the whole of the second floor of
racket, shrieking and running for their sad little lives, that a pair his fortress, where he is either reading, tinkering, or spending
of Seitan’s forward scouts (gangers) hear the commotion and time with Captain Shake. At all times, unless otherwise
come out to see what the fuss is. Any of the mercs scouting ordered by the Colonel, his bodyguard Glutenus Maximus (see
make an Eyes roll with 1 complication. On a success, they catch “Personalities,” below) is only a stone’s throw away. Glutenus is
a glimpse of the ganger scouts before being spotted and have a titanic slab of muscle whom the Colonel saved from a pack of
a chance to tell the other characters to either hide or attempt cannibals who’d managed to drug him and his former gang. He
to slip forward and ambush them. Once the gangers spot the is rabidly loyal to Seitan and will die for him without hesitation.
characters, they will promptly flee, to immediately report Colonel Seitan keeps the OmNom in a large broken floor safe
if they can. If either of them succeeds in getting away, the in his study. Its combo lock is just for appearances and doesn’t
Colonel’s forces will be on alert in the following scene. work anymore, but it keeps the device as secure as he can
manage. If an attack is clearly underway, he’ll cover the safe

COLONEL SEITAN’S with a pile of books.

How everything goes down depends a lot on the mercs’

FRANCHISE methods. If they take the “direct approach,” i.e., frontal assault,
they’ll have a big fight on their hands, with waves of patrols

FORTRESS
coming at them, backed up by the Captain, with Seitan and
Glutenus holing up in the fortress.
If they make it in all quiet and stealth-like, they might be
The Colonel set himself up in a fast-food joint that has been able to get away with fighting only the Colonel, the Captain,
renovated into an oh-so-swanky citadel—at least, insomuch and Glutenus. Obviously, if they want Harland’s head, he ain’t
as the Wasteland allows. It sits amidst the ruins of a former gonna just give it away. Total stealth to grab the OmNom and
suburban neighborhood, with burned-out houses and slip out though? Probably not gonna work. See, the Colonel and
buildings in various states of rubble surrounding it for miles. the Captain have a beloved pet/mascot, a little ball of purple
There are more than a few ruins that could easily hide a fluff called Grim (martabbit) that lives on the second floor of
stealthy merc crew. the fortress. No matter how stealthy the characters are, even
The “fortress” itself is a two-story structure, with a mass of if they scope out the fortress, figure out where the OmNom is
different fast-food logos fused into a weird emblem topped with likely held and slip in, undetected, to spirit it away, a shrieking
a crown, or maybe a jester’s cap (it’s difficult to say) sitting on Grim will likely puff up and explode, causing a very loud
the roof, lit up by small floodlights at night. It is surrounded commotion (and a very nasty mess).
by vegetable gardens. Indeed, many different garden plots are Colonel Seitan will immediately suspect the characters have
scattered throughout the ruins, anywhere there seems to be a been sent by Culver once trouble starts. He’ll know it for certain
patch of decent soil, in fact. The most predominant plant seems when they go for the OmNom. If circumstances allow him a
to be some kind of sickly green cabbage. chance to talk to the mercs, he’ll tell them they are making a
The Colonel’s followers are a mixture of normal folks and terrible mistake and will call for a parley to share the revelation
hardcases, but all of them are very loyal to their charismatic, he came to about his former partner and the OmNom, which
if somewhat erratic, leader. His “regular” folks include fifteen convinced him to betray Culver.
farmers (scumbags), three foremen (gangers), and three The OmNom requires organic matter in order to function
watch leaders (badasses). During the day, many of them correctly. The better the organic matter you start with, the
work in the gardens. A watch leader will regularly take a group better the resultant food. Most organic matter in the Wasteland
of three to four farmers with them to patrol about the area is fucked up, in one way or another. The “best” organic matter
surrounding the fortress. If they’ve been alerted to the fact that to be found easily in the Wasteland? Non-mutated humans.
mercs are about, they always travel in groups of 7: 5 farmers, Harland knew his ruthless partner well enough to realize that
5
 Culver wouldn’t hesitate to put ground people-chuck into the
OmNom to create flawless, insanely tasty, addictive cannibal
burgers. He decided, despite all the bad shit they had done
PERSONALITIES
together, he just couldn’t let
that happen. BOB THE BIGGEST BURGER BOY
If they hear it, will the characters believe him? Will they give Bob is the equivalent of a brute, but he is not a dumbass. His
a shit, even if they do? Maybe, fuck if I know. second Special Activity works the same, though, but is instead
Depending on events and the outcome, there may or may called “I Felt That, Asshole.”
not be time for opportunistic looting. If so, the fortress kitchen
presently holds 8 food and 4 water. 8 bullets, 3 power, 4 salvage, CARL “CRIMSON” CULVER
and 3 medicine can be found scattered about the Colonel’s room. Culver is the equivalent of a warlord, though with a -2 to his
Defense. Instead of a sword, he carries a big-ass meat cleaver

THE DESSERT (same damage). Opponents that face him in hand-to-hand

combat have to make a Guts roll or be frightened for the first
The glorious thing about a roleplaying game is that there is no round.
way a GM can account for all the fucked-up shit players will
think to try and/or get up to. Presuming one or more mercs RUNKEE BOLLWAZ DIFFICULTY 100
survive and manage to retrieve both Culver’s skin and the Defense 13 Health 100 Size 2 Speed 6
OmNom, it’s up to you whether you make them trek back to Muscles 15 Hands 11 Brains 6 Mouth 8
Crimson’s and experience bad shit along the way, or simply
Meat 15 Feet 12 Eyes 10 Guts 13
handwave the return journey. Culver will be absolutely thrilled
and deliver all that he promised, as he is a man of his word. Altered Existence Grunkee ignores the effects of contaminated terrain and
takes half damage from radiation.
A merc group with a conscience (ha!) might realize they have Epically Fugly The first time Grunkee attacks an opponent, they must succeed
a delightful little loophole in their contract to exploit: Culver at a Guts roll or be frightened for 1 round.
Fucking Hostile When Grunkee takes damage, he becomes fucking hostile for
said he needed both his skin and the OmNom retrieved in order 1 round. Until this effect ends, he makes rolls to hit with 1 complication but
for the characters to get paid—he neglected to specify the his melee weapon attacks deal 1d6 extra damage.
OmNom had to be entirely functional upon delivery. Culver will Mentally Challenged Make Brains rolls for Grunkee with 1 complication.
Gear mattock
still pay up if presented with his skin and a busted-up OmNom.
He might easily be convinced that Harland attempted to WEAPONS
destroy it before the characters could claim it. Mattock (melee) Roll Muscles (+5) with 1 asset to hit Defense: Success:
3d6 damage.
If Culver gets the OmNom, however, he will throw enough
sharp mechanical-type folks at it and eventually get it working
again, though it could take some time. Eating his processed SLITHERSKIN DIFFICULTY 25
skin does not (shockingly) cause it to grow back. It does,
however, give him some “haute cuisine” ideas not unlike what Defense 13 Health 30 Size 1 Speed 6
Colonel Seitan said he might consider. Muscles 10 Hands 15 Brains 8 Mouth 6
Meat 10 Feet 13 Eyes 12 Guts 12
THE OMNOM Senseless Wonder Despite apparently lacking a sensory system with which
Clever sorts might think to abscond with the OmNom for their to do so, slitherskin automatically detect any creature within 30 feet of
them, regardless of lighting.
own nefarious purposes. We appreciate that sort of initiative. Skin o’ the Night Slitherskin are sluggish by day and cannot take Fast turns.
They’ll have to figure out how it works with a Brains roll with
WEAPONS
3 complications (it is really complex). Spending 1 power can
Flensing Flesh Whip (melee) Roll Hands (+5) with 1 asset to hit Defense:
process 1 pound of organic matter. It cannot make radioactive Success: 1d6 + 3 damage or 3d6 + 3 against a grabbed target.
material inert—but it can make it delicious! Anything put Inexplicably Handsy (melee) Roll Hands (+5) to hit Agility: Success: The
through the OmNom tastes AMAZING. In fact, too amazing. target becomes grabbed. While grabbed in this way, the target is impaired.
The slitherskin can maintain the grabbed affliction using a reaction on its
OmNom food causes any consumer of it to roll Guts in order to turn and makes the roll with 2 assets. A slitherskin can have one creature
resist becoming addicted (see PunkApocalyptic, page 82).” grabbed at a time.
If the characters steal the OmNom and start to use it in SPECIAL ACTIVITIES
any but the most paranoid and secretive of fashions, that Recruit If the slitherskin has a creature grabbed, the slitherskin decides
information will, inevitably, get back to Culver. In an ongoing that its target’s epidermis should “join the family.” The slitherskin rubs itself
campaign, he, Bob, and a large posse of Burger Boys will all over the grabbed creature, which, creepily enough, feels pretty good.
Don’t get used to it stayin’ that way. Once it does this for 3 consecutive
show up one day to dole out a little payback and collect “his” rounds, the target’s epidermis starts to rebel against the body, causing
device—probably when the characters are in the midst of a the target to take 1 mutagen as its skin painfully peels away, although
remaining intact, and dealing 3d6 damage each round thereafter while it is
different mission where Culver’s arrival will well and truly fuck still being grabbed until the target becomes incapacitated, at which point
up the their day. Them’s the breaks. its skin becomes a slitherskin. If the target survives, it becomes a skinless
6
 mutant with –2 to Defense. If a character target decides that “skinned” is
not a good look for them, they can spend a Fortune token to not join the
ranks of the epidermically challenged—in which case, the slitherskin’s
“offer” is rejected and the character’s skin decides to stay put. Better get
your ass to the Wasteland’s equivalent of a spa to thank it for sticking
around, literally, presuming you survive the incapacitation and the massive
blood loss.

CAPTAIN SOYA SHAKE DIFFICULTY 100

Defense 13 Health 47 Size 1 Speed 6
Muscles 11 Hands 15 Brains 10 Mouth 9
Meat 14 Feet 13 Eyes 14 Guts 12
Pale Sword Demon When Captain Shake succeeds on an attack roll by 5 or
more, the target must succeed on a Guts roll or become frightened for
1 round.
Steppin’ Razor Buzz Captain Shake takes her drug before any big fight. It adds
+5 to her Health, gives her an asset die to all rolls (already included in her
stats), and allows her to attack twice with her katana each combat round.
Gear katana, OmNom combat drug
WEAPONS
Katana (melee) Roll Hands (+5) with 2 assets to hit Defense: Success: 2d6 +
2 damage.
SPECIAL ACTIVITIES
Hack and Slash Captain Shake makes two katana attacks.

COLONEL HARLAND SEITAN

Seitan is the equivalent of a dynamo vaporeta. His pumper
gun does 3d6 + 2 damage, with explosive ammo that causes
further damage (see the “Builder” upgrade), and does not have
the unreliable trait.

GLUTENUS MAXIMUS DIFFICULTY 50

Defense 12 Health 55 Size 1 Speed 6
Muscles 15 Hands 11 Brains 9 Mouth 10
Meat 15 Feet 10 Eyes 10 Guts 11
Eat Your Greens! Each time Glutenus Maximus takes damage reduce the
amount of damage by 2 (minimum 1).
Gear light armor, massive adze
WEAPONS
Massive Adze (melee) Roll Muscles (+5) with 1 asset to hit Defense: Success:
2d6 + 1 damage.
SPECIAL ACTIVITIES
Shape Your Ass Proper Roll Muscles (+5) to hit the Feet of one creature
Glutenus Maximus can reach. On a success, the target takes 1d6 damage,
falls prone, and becomes impaired for 1 round.
My Flesh for His! When Glutenus is within 1 yard of Colonel Seitan and Seitan
would be the target of an attack, Glutenus can use a reaction to switch the
target of the attack from Seitan to himself.