GRIEF:

GETTING
THROUGH
THE
DARKNESS
 You Can Overcome Grief 1

Contents YOU CAN

OVERCOME GRIEF
Chapter One
YOU CAN OVERCOME GRIEF ...................... 1 “When my husband died…I thought my
life was over. There was nothing I wanted to
live for. I was full of tears and self-pity. I felt
lost and frightened and lonely. I was angry,
Chapter Two
self-centered, and, in my preoccupation with
HAPPY HOLIDAYS? WAYS TO COPE WHEN my grief, I fear I was boring.”
YOU ARE GRIEVING..................................... 11 —Dr. Joyce Brothers,
from her book, Widowed

E
Chapter Three ach and every day a family loses some-
one they love due to death.
TALKING TO CHILDREN ABOUT DEATH... 17
• During the coming year, nearly 2 of every
10 American adults will lose a family member to
death.
• One of every 20 American children under
the age of 15 years loses one or both parents to
© 2001 Plain Truth Ministries
All rights reserved death.
Printed in U.S.A. • One-fourth of all pregnancies end in mis-
carriage or abortion.
Plain Truth Ministries • Each year in the United States, approxi-
Pasadena, California 91129
1-800-309-4466 mately 71,000 children under the age of 19 will
www.ptm.org die, leaving families to cope with the excruci-
ating, painful process of grief.
Unless noted otherwise, scriptures are quoted
from the Holy Bible, New International Version.
Copyright © 1973, 1978, 1984 International Like Dr. Brothers’ experience, loss of a loved
Bible Society. Used by permission of one catapults survivors into the unfamiliar emo-
Zondervan Bible Publishers. tional terrain of bereavement. The death of a
loved family member is one of the most signifi-
Cover Photo: Corbis Images
cant and stressful experiences people have.
2 Grief: Getting Through the Darkness You Can Overcome Grief 3

Here are 28 ways to feel, deal and heal and said, ‘Now, Lynn, bereavement is a wound.
from the wounds created by grief: It’s like being very, very badly hurt…you will
recover. But recovery will be slow…little by lit-
1. Accept your loss. Numbness and disbe- tle, you will be whole again. And you will be
lief are natural responses to the death of a loved a stronger person. Just as a broken bone knits
one. Resist any temptation to deny or suppress and becomes stronger than before, so will
feelings about the loss. “When someone dies, you.’”
even if the death is expected, there is always a Rather than just stumble through grief, read
sense that it hasn’t happened,” notes Dr. J. some books about it. Educate yourself so you will
William Worden, Ph.D., author of Grief Coun- better understand what is happening to you. This
seling and Grief Therapy. “The first task of knowledge will help you feel more in control.
grieving is to come full face with the reality that 6. Stay in touch with people who are help-
the person is dead, the person is gone and will ful to you. Some people have a special gift for
not return.” bringing comfort and consolation. Keep in touch
2. Expect to feel a multitude of emotions. with those unique individuals.
In the early months of the grieving process you 7. Keep a journal. Writing is a powerful and
will feel a wide variety of confusing and con- therapeutic way of expressing pain. You can
flicting emotions. Some of the feelings you may write without worrying about how you “sound”
experience include: anxiety, depression, guilt, since no one else will read your journal. “My
regret, anger, frustration and fear—all coupled journal became my instrument for survival,”
with feeling disorganized and disoriented. recalls one widower.
3. Talk about your feelings. Find a few good 8. Be willing to change. The death of a
listeners. Talking helps you accept and resolve loved one will bring changes, large and small,
your loss. “Empty out your feelings. Cry when into your life. Don’t resist those. Embrace them
you need to cry. Be angry when you feel angry. in order to allow new ways of living to emerge
Don’t suppress yourself or pretend to be stoic. for you.
The more you express your pain, the more you 9. Join a grief support group. A support
free yourself from it,” says Judy Tatelbaum, an group can help you break the isolation and lone-
author and social worker. liness you may be experiencing. Also, in a group
4. Have faith in God. The Bible is very clear you will see others successfully coping with
that God hears, helps and heals those whose loss.
hearts are burdened by loss—“He heals the bro- 10. Be patient. Don’t expect miracles
kenhearted, binding up their wounds” (Psalm overnight. There is no quick fix for grief. It takes
147:3, New Living Translation). “The Lord is time, usually a much longer time than most peo-
close to the brokenhearted and saves those who ple expect. Remember this wisdom from William
are crushed in spirit” (Psalm 34:18). “Come to Shakespeare: “How poor are they that have not
me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I patience! What wound did ever heal but by
will give you rest” (Matthew 11:28). degrees?”
5. Learn about bereavement issues. Lynn According to an eight-year study done by
Caine, whose husband died in his forties, says the National University of Ireland (NUI), most
in her book, Widow, that it would have been people take nearly two years to start recovering
very helpful to have known more about the from the loss of a close relationship. It is impor-
bereavement process. “If only someone whom I tant to note that the two-year mark is simply
respected had sat me down after Martin died the “start” of the recovery period. That means
4 Grief: Getting Through the Darkness You Can Overcome Grief 5

grieving continues but is gradually starting to The memory of her mother’s determination
ease up, eventually diminishing completely. and perseverance that summer empowered Ms.
11. Persistently pursue recovery and heal- Zemites to face the challenges of bereavement
ing. “Many strokes overthrow the tallest oaks,” more courageously and hopefully. “Twenty years
notes the poet John Lyly. After her husband died, later I stood at a turning point in life. I knew the
Mary Zemites of Mesa, Arizona, declared to her future would not be easy for my children or me,
mother: “Mom, it’s so hard without Greg.” and there would probably be plenty of painful
Her husband had recently died, and she was ‘belly flops’ along the way. But I would always
left to raise their three young children alone. remember that summer at the pool.”
“Could I be both mother and father to the kids? Perseverance and determination can pro-
What did life hold for us? I just don’t know if I duce amazing results. A mother overcame fear
can make it,” she said to her mother. “You can,” and learned to dive. Mary Zemites used perse-
Mary’s mother replied. “Just don’t give up— verance and determination to face the challenges
ever!” of life without her husband, as a single mother.
As her mother spoke those words, an inspir- 12. Rely on God. The journey through grief
ing memory came to Ms. Zemites. She recalled is a lonely and isolating one. Every day ask God
a summer when she was 14. She and her friends to strengthen you, direct you and give you a
spent most of their hot summer days at the local renewed purpose for living. Take courage and
pool. That same summer was the summer her hope from these words of the apostle Paul:
mother decided to learn to dive—at the same “Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord
pool Mary and her friends frequented. Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the
One afternoon as Mary was sunning, her God of all comfort” (2 Corinthians 1:3).
mother came to the pool and made her way up 13. Employ the therapy of laughter. Although
the high diving board. Mary stared in amaze- it may appear that grief and laughter are mutu-
ment at her mother, perched on the end of the ally exclusive, they do come together. “Laughter
diving board. permits you to approach grief, reduce it to size,
“I could tell she was scared. Mom stood and manage loss effectively,” notes Rabbi Earl
there for an eternity. Then she jumped—feet Grollman, a noted authority on bereavement.
first!” While that “dive” was not impressive, Ms. “Like a safety valve, humor offers a shift in per-
Zemites’ mother continued coming to the pool spective and energy that restores a sense of bal-
most of the summer, eventually working up her ance. It’s okay to laugh again,” he says.
courage to dive head first. There were many 14. Go easy on yourself. Remind yourself
noisy belly flops. Other swimmers and lifeguards that grieving is hard work; that it takes a toll on
cringed at the sound of the mother attempting you emotionally and will leave you feeling
to dive from the high diving board. exhausted. So be gentle with yourself. “The sim-
One day toward the end of the summer, plest habits of daily living such as shopping, eat-
Mary’s mother crossed the hot concrete at the ing, sleeping or dressing may become burden-
pool and again made her way up the high diving some for a while. But every day you survive
board. “With a small bounce, she launched her- takes you farther along the path to recovery,”
self upwards. She made a graceful arc in midair, says Dr. Nancy O’Connor, Ph.D., in her book,
then straightened and slipped into the water Letting Go With Love: The Grieving Process.
with hardly a ripple. A perfect dive!” Ms. Zemites 15. Expect some friend-shifts. “Don’t be
recalls. A lifeguard cheered, and a friend said alarmed if friends or relatives on whom you
to the teenager: “Wow, your mom’s great.” may have counted most for support turn out to
6 Grief: Getting Through the Darkness You Can Overcome Grief 7

be a total loss. No call, no invitation, just silence. 21. Resume your daily routine. As soon
You will feel shocked, hurt, angry,” says Harris as possible, go back to work. Stay involved in
E. Adriance who wrote a booklet on grieving religious activities, remain socially engaged—
titled, Challenge, shortly after his own wife died. even if you don’t feel like it. Following a daily
“Some doors just shut without any visible routine will establish important normal rhythms
reason. Fortunately, there is a counterbalance to to your living.
this very disturbing situation. New friends appear 22. Exercise. Many bereaved people report
and you find a special warmth and understanding that daily exercise was extremely beneficial in
in people you scarcely knew before or from whom easing depression and generally keeping them
you least expected such a rewarding association.” physically fit. Run, walk, jog, bike, swim, join a
16. If you have children, bring them into gym, take an aerobics class.
the grieving process. “They should not be shield- 23. Tell yourself, “I will triumph over this.”
ed from tragedy,” says Rabbi Grollman. “Death Be positive about your ability to overcome the
is a crisis that should be shared by all members tragedy in your life. Be inspired by these words
of the family. Children too often are forgotten by from Helen Keller:
grieving adults. Silence and secrecy deprive them “Although the world is
of an important opportunity to share grief. When full of suffering, it is “Praise be to the God
in your heartache you overlook your children’s full also of the over- and Father of our Lord
feelings, you heighten their sense of isolation. coming of it.” Jesus Christ, the Father
The youngsters need your help to sort out their 24. Hold off on
of compassion and the
emotions,” he says. making major deci-
17. Take care of your health. Eat balanced, sions. For a full year God of all comfort, who
nutritious meals. Drink plenty of water daily. If after your loss, do not comforts us in all our
you are concerned about your health for any rea- make any major deci- troubles, so that we can
son, consult with your physician. Getting a phys- sion unless absolute-
comfort those in any
ical checkup shortly after your loss is a good ly necessary. Don’t
idea. sell your house, don’t trouble with the comfort
18. Keep busy. Keeping busy at various move out of state, we ourselves have
tasks will give you a break from the grief. “Get- don’t make any large received from God.”
ting out of the house and going to my part-time investments. If your
job every day has been a big boost to my men- spouse died, wait for a 2 Corinthians 1:3-4
tal health,” says Carolyn, whose husband died while and carefully
from a terminal illness at age 39. consider any thoughts involving remarriage.
19. Avoid drugs and alcohol. Don’t resort Give yourself a year to recover from the
to sleeping pills or alcohol to soften the pain. loss before considering any major change. By
The use of such substances only delays the heal- that time you will be in a better emotional state
ing process and often creates other more seri- and will be more capable of making a wise deci-
ous problems. sion.
20. Know that the wound takes a long time 25. Ignore “shoulds.” Some people will
to heal. The first year is often the worst because insist on giving you all sorts of advice, telling
it involves experiencing various events without you what you “should” or “should not” do. Be
your loved one: holidays, birthdays, anniversaries, courteous and civil toward these individuals as
etc. Most people say it takes between three and they mean well, but be guided by your own intu-
five years for the wounds of grief to heal. itions about what you ought to do.
8 Grief: Getting Through the Darkness You Can Overcome Grief 9

26. Stay engaged with life. “Accept all the However, a weekly baseball game helped
invitations you can, even if your impulse is to say him see his situation differently. At those games,
no,” advises Harris Adriance. “You need to get he batted, but someone else would run the bases
out of yourself and to see other people. Invari- for him. Waiting his turn at bat, he watched a
ably it helps, gives you a boost, mentally and teammate slide into third base. “What’s the worst
physically.” that could happen if I tried the same thing?” he
27. Ask God to help you transform self- asked himself.
pity. As you manage the various issues brought While at bat, Franks hit the ball into center
on by grief, don’t give in to self-pity. Self-pity field. Waving away his runner, he began a painful,
usually reveals itself through these kinds of ques- stiff-legged jog aided by his artificial leg. He got
tions: “Why me? Why did this happen to me? past first base, and seeing the outfielder throw
How can I go on? Do I have a future?” the ball toward the second baseman, Franks slid
The problem with such questions is that headfirst into second. The umpire called “Safe!”
they focus entirely on the negative. To turn self- and Franks smiled triumphantly.
pity into something constructive, try asking dif- Franks remained in the Army, rising in rank
ferent questions. to become a four-star general. “Losing a leg has
Rather than focusing on, “What have I lost?” taught me that a limitation is as big or small as you
ask, “What remains and where can I go from make it,” he says. “The key is to concentrate on
here?” A change of question often results in a what you have, not what you don’t have.”
change of perspective. Rephrasing our ques- 28. Let nature nurture you. As you manage
tions allows us to count the pluses, not the your grief, keep in mind that nature is a great
minuses. healer. Simply getting outside for a walk through
Army Major Frederick Franks found him- a park or merely viewing nature from a window
self staring at a Christmas tree in his drab hos- can facilitate healing.
pital room. Although it was a season of joy, In one study, post-surgical patients with a
Franks felt only sadness. Seven months earlier, view of trees through hospital windows recov-
in May 1970, while he was in Cambodia, grenade ered faster and with less pain than those who
shrapnel had torn into the lower half of his leg. looked out on a brick wall. Researchers at the
Doctors were scheduled to amputate it. Menninger Clinic in Topeka, Kansas, reported a
Franks had graduated from West Point reduction in tension and anxiety in long-term
where he was captain of the baseball team. He patients who did gardening.
planned to make the Army his career. Now dis- The practice of giving flowers to the sick
charge seemed the only option. or bereaved reflects the deep link between liv-
Although Franks felt he still had a lot to ing things and comfort. So, try to spend some
offer the service—combat experience, techni- time every day with nature. That can mean get-
cal knowledge, an ability to solve problems— ting out for a walk, going for a bike ride or gar-
he also knew that soldiers with severe injuries dening.
seldom return to active duty. They must pass an Other simple techniques for benefitting from
annual physical-fitness test which includes a nature include putting up a bird feeder and
two-mile run or walk. watching what goes on; hanging a wind chime
Franks wasn’t sure he would be able to do outside your window, allowing the earth to “sing”
that with an artificial leg. After surgery, Franks to you; planting an herb garden in a window
was overwhelmed with sadness over the loss of box; viewing sunrises and sunsets as often as
his leg. possible.
 Happy Holidays? Ways to Cope… 11
TEN “COMMANDMENTS”
FOR GRIEVERS
Here are ten “commandments” to keep
in mind which will help you as you recover
from grief:
1) You shall remember you are a
survivor.You made it this far, and God will
help you complete the journey through grief.
2) You shall remember that God has
created you to heal from wounds. When
we accidentally cut or scrape ourselves, HAPPY HOLIDAYS?
healing scar tissue forms quickly.
Bereavement is a deep spiritual wound,
but you will heal. God can help you to
WAYS TO COPE
heal from every wound.
3) You shall remember that God will
WHEN YOU ARE
lead you to do what needs to be done
and that God will give you the wisdom GRIEVING
and the courage to do it.
4) You shall remember that you are

T
engaged in a process of healing. Recovery he painting by artist Norman Rockwell of a
from grief takes time. Sometimes the festive family sitting around a holiday table
recovery involves two steps forward laden with food may be an accurate image
followed by one step backward. for many families. However, for those who have
5) You shall remember that you are not had a loss to death—that of a spouse, parent,
required to apologize for your feelings, grandparent, child or sibling—the holidays are
emotions and tears. It is not your job to anything but festive and happy. What is a joyous
make other people feel comfortable by time of year for many is, for the bereaved, a sea-
denying your need to grieve. son when pain is magnified and loneliness accen-
6) You shall remember that you are not tuated as they face the prospect of a holiday
lacking in faith because you feel the pain without their loved one. Yet, holiday hurt can
of grief. Grief does not diminish or tarnish be softened.
your faith in God.
7) You shall remember that you must Here are suggestions that can help you
provide your body ample rest, healthy, cope when you are grieving:
balanced meals and exercise.
8) You shall remember to flow with • Think it through. Be very intentional about
the process of grief rather than try to how you will celebrate the holiday. Will you keep
manipulate it. the same patterns as in previous years, or will you
9) You shall remember that God will change traditions completely? By planning ahead
send good people your way, people who you will have a better grasp of what you will want
sincerely want to help. Reach out to them to do and what you will not want to do. Remem-
as you need them. ber there is no right or wrong way to celebrate.
10) You shall remember that this too • Share your feelings with the family. Let
shall pass. others in the family understand how you feel
12 Grief: Getting Through the Darkness Happy Holidays? Ways to Cope… 13

the holiday could be best celebrated. Don’t • Maintain the traditions that you need.
expect them to be mind readers. Communicate One widower recalls a family issue which
your needs. Most family members want to cel- emerged when his children decorated his home
ebrate the holidays in ways that are most help- for the holiday. “They put out a stocking for
ful to the person grieving the hardest. every member of the family except for my
• Shop creatively. If being in a shopping mall beloved wife, Annie. I know they thought her
with festive crowds is too depressing for you, con- stocking would make me more sad, but I
sider other alternatives. Make your holiday pur- explained that I bought that stocking thirty years
chases via catalogs, phone orders or the internet. earlier for the first Christmas we celebrated as
• Seek God in the midst of your pain. The husband and wife. Even though she was no
Bible makes it clear that God is always present longer with us I wanted that stocking out and
to sustain us, to strengthen us and to bring new in the same place it had been on past holidays.
understanding to us. Consider these verses as I think it was my way of reminding the family
you seek God: “Give your burdens to the Lord, that Annie was not going to be forgotten or
and he will take care of you” (Psalm 55:22, New ignored.”
Living Translation). “Through each day the Lord • Talk about the loss. Let your pain spill
pours his unfailing love upon me” (Psalm 42:8, over into words. Share your feelings with a trust-
New Living Translation). “I will be your God ed friend, and you will feel better. Be guided
throughout your lifetime…. I made you and I by Shakespeare’s wisdom: “Give sorrow
will care for you. I will carry you along and save words….”
you” (Isaiah 46:4, New Living Translation). • Guard your health. “Eat a balanced diet.
• Be gentle with yourself. Allow yourself Get some exercise. Try your best to take good
the freedom not to live up to the expectations care of yourself. Remember: Neglecting your
of others. “The family and I always attended a health does not honor the memory of your loved
midnight Christmas Eve service,” says a griev- one,” writes Rabbi Earl Grollman in his book,
ing mother whose daughter died from an auto Living with Loss, Healing with Hope.
accident in autumn. “I just couldn’t bear to be • Plant a tree. When there has been a death,
in that service without Terri so I gave myself many find it helpful to balance that loss with
permission to stay away from that service and, something living and growing. Consider planting
instead, attend the earlier service at our church. a tree in memory of your loved one.
While some family members preferred for us all • Be tolerant of your limits. Grieving is
to be together at the midnight service, I felt it hard work and takes its toll emotionally, men-
would be all right if I did not please everyone.” tally and physically. Don’t overextend yourself.
• Change what needs to be changed. “Every Eliminate stresses and strains when you can.
year my husband and I pulled out a huge box con- “The first year after Don died, I just didn’t have
taining an artificial tree which we had used for the energy to address and mail out the three
nearly twenty-five years. However, the holiday hundred Christmas cards we normally sent,”
after Al died, I couldn’t bear to do that,” says his remembers one widow.
wife. “Instead, I found it comforting to go out and “So, I cut down the list and sent cards only
buy a live tree and decorate it. That live tree to some eighty people, all of whom lived in oth-
reminded me that life was still flowing in our fam- er parts of the country and were people I would
ily. We had wonderful children, terrific sons and not be seeing. Since most of them did not know
daughters-in-law as well as four delightful grand- of Don’s death, I used the card as an occasion
children.” to let them know.”
 14 Grief: Getting Through the Darkness Happy Holidays? Ways to Cope… 15

• Spend time with supportive people. Not sion, feed the hungry, visit a lonely person, invite
everyone understands the pain of grief. Identi- someone who is alone to share a meal with you.
fy people in whose company you feel better. • Let your tears flow. If you have just suf-
Then spend more time with them during the hol- fered a loss there is no doubt that the holidays will
iday. The power of friendship is commended in be an emotional time. When you feel the need to
Scripture: cry, let the tears flow. You’ve lost someone you
“Two people can accomplish more than love, and crying is a perfectly normal response to
twice as much as one…. If one person falls, the the loss. Tears are an honest expression of grief.
other can reach out and help. But people who are • Memorialize your loved one during the
alone when they fall are in real trouble” (Eccle- holiday. Consider sending a donation to a cause
siastes 4:9-10, New Living Translation). or an organization which was important to your
• Talk about your deceased loved one. loved one. Making a contribution is an effective
Often a family will engage in a conspiracy of way to both honor the memory of your loved
silence believing you will be better served if one and to continue his or her commitment.
no one brings up your deceased loved one. Most • Join a grief support group. “Joining or re-
grievers find such silence only adds to their entering a support group may be the single most
pain and confusion. Include the deceased per- important step you can take as you struggle with
son’s name in your holiday conversations. As grief during the holidays,” says Dr. Kenneth J.
you speak candidly Doka, an author and grief educator. “Support
about him or her, oth- groups provide members with the opportunity to
“Peace I leave with you; ers will recognize your share the pain of grief with others who are also
my peace I give you…. need to remember that finding the holidays a struggle.”
Do not let your hearts special individual and • Embrace your treasure of memories.
will also talk about “Memories are one of the best legacies that exist
be troubled and do
that person. after the death of someone loved,” notes Dr. Alan
not be afraid.” • Express and D. Wolfelt, Director of the Center for Loss and
John 14:27 explore your faith. Life Transition in Fort Collins, Colorado. “And
Death often raises the- holidays always make you think about times past.
ological issues, espe- Instead of ignoring these memories, share them
cially at the holidays. This can be a grand oppor- with your family and friends. Keep in mind that
tunity to renew and deepen your faith. Speak memories are tinged with both happiness and
with your pastor or a mature believer you trust. sadness. If your memories bring laughter, smile.
You will find him or her approachable, sup- If your memories bring sadness, it’s all right to
portive and helpful. cry. Memories that were made in love—no one
• Don’t let the greeting “Happy Holidays” can ever take them away from you.”
upset you. Many grievers are disturbed when • Ask for help when you need it. Do you
someone says “Happy holidays” to them. Rather need someone to be with? A shoulder to cry on?
than let it upset you, receive it as a wish of good Someone to talk to? Help with something your
will from a stranger or colleague. Respond sim- loved one always did for you at the holiday?
ply and kindly by saying: “Thank you.” Or, “Hap- Reach out and ask for help.
py holidays to you as well.” • Get outside. Don’t stay cooped up in your
• Help others. Take the focus off of your home or apartment. Get outside. Enjoy some
own pain and your troubles by investing yourself fresh air. Engage in some outdoor exercise—
by helping others. Volunteer at a downtown mis- walking, jogging, biking.
16 Grief: Getting Through the Darkness Talking to Children About Death 17

“After my 23-year-old son died, my grief

and depression was almost more than I could
bear in December. But, I managed to survive
by getting outside and taking a long, long walk
every day during the month,” says one bereaved
father.
• Create a special holiday tribute for your
loved one. Some ways to do this include: light-
ing a special candle each evening; putting togeth-
er a bowl of colorful ornaments and placing TALKING TO
them in a visible location in your home; reciting
a daily prayer expressing gratitude for the gift
of your loved one; creating a picture display of
CHILDREN
your loved one on a small table.
• Finally, choose life in every way you
ABOUT DEATH
can. Be among people who vitalize and ener-
gize you. Practice disciplines which bring you

O
n most days at four o’clock Michael and
hope, peace, comfort, joy and love. Engage in his grandfather could be seen walking
activities which bring you meaning and satis- down the street, hand in hand, to the cor-
faction. ner store. It was a daily ritual for the little boy
and the elderly man. Although separated by
decades, the two enjoyed a precious common
bond. They shared a two-family house in an out-
lying section of New York City. The grandfather
lived in the upstairs unit. Michael and his fam-
ily lived downstairs. It had been that way since
Michael’s birth.
When Michael turned seven, his family
moved to Long Island, leaving the grandfather
back in the city. “See you on Thanksgiving!” they
all said. Thanksgiving came and went. They did
not see the grandfather. The same thing hap-
pened at Christmas.
“Grandpa’s away for awhile,” Michael’s par-
ents explained. “Don’t worry about it.” Months
went by and Michael waited. When his birthday
came and went and there was no card from his
grandfather, Michael became concerned, won-
dering what he could have done to make the
elderly man not love him anymore.
It was nearly two years before Michael’s
parents told him the truth: his beloved grand-
father died shortly after they moved to Long
Island. “I know they thought they were doing
18 Grief: Getting Through the Darkness Talking to Children About Death 19

the right thing,” Michael says, “but it was a ter- were all going on a “trip” for their summer vaca-
rible time for me. They certainly didn’t spare tion.
me any pain while I was wondering what had “When you’re talking with your child, avoid
happened. And then when they finally told me euphemisms,” say Schaefer and Lyons. “Use sim-
the truth, I still had to deal with the feeling of ple words like dead, stopped working, and wore
losing Grandpa.” out—simple words to establish the fact that the
That true but unfortunate story is reported body is biologically dead.”
by funeral director Dan Schaefer and Christine If your child asks, “What does dead mean?”
Lyons in their excellent book, How Do We Tell The respond simply by stating: “Dead means a per-
Children? A Step-by-Step Guide For Helping son’s body has stopped working and won’t work
Children Cope When Someone Dies. anymore.” Or, if your child asks: “Is death like
Every day of the year children lose some- sleeping?” a good response is to state simply:
one they love to death: a parent, grandparent, “When someone dies, their body stops working.
sibling, friend, relative. Like Michael’s family, It is not resting. Its job is over.”
parents may try to shield the child from the blow. DO help children express their thoughts
However, when death is improperly and feelings. Encourage children to cry out their
explained and responded to, it prevents a child grief and talk out their thoughts and feelings
from experiencing the loss, expressing their grief, over the death. Be aware that children are often
sharing in the family mourning and moving on verbally limited when it comes to stating their
toward recovery. Children have the same need as feelings.
adults to process what has happened and to Children often express their grief in a vari-
mourn. ety of nonverbal ways such as sleeplessness,
nightmares, clinging behavior and school diffi-
Here are some basic do’s and don’ts culties. Because of their verbal limitations, you,
when talking to children about death: as the parent or an important adult, may have to
take the initiative in getting your children to
DO be honest about the death. Although ventilate grief.
you may find it difficult to speak with your child One effective way of doing this is to pick up
about death, keep in mind honesty is the best on a child’s feelings and say: “I know you miss
policy. There is nothing worse for a child than Daddy very much. I miss him too.” A simple
being the last to know and to accidentally dis- statement like that is often enough to have chil-
cover the “secret” and then be given the excuse: dren open up.
“We thought it was best not to tell you.” DON’T tell a child how to feel. Some par-
As soon as you learn about a death, inform ents unwisely tell children: “Be brave.” “Be
your child simply and directly: “Honey, a very sad strong, you’re the man in the family now.” “Don’t
thing happened this afternoon. Grandmother cry, it was the will of God.” Rather, let a child
died.” Once you have given your child this infor- experience and express grief.
mation, gently make sure he or she understands DO offer continuous love and assurance.
what you’ve just said. “In the early stages of mourning, a child needs
DON’T use euphemisms. When her aunt reassurance that he is loved. This will make him
died, a six-year-old girl was told that “Aunt Ellen feel more secure.
went away on a long trip.” Because her aunt Parents cannot shield their children from
never returned from that trip, the little girl was painful feelings, but they can help the child to
terrified when her family announced that they bear them.
 20 Grief: Getting Through the Darkness Talking to Children About Death 21

“So, openly express your caring—show him Whether the death takes place during their infan-
in many ways that you love him,” writes psy- cy or their adolescence, whether the person who
chologist Charles E. Schaefer, Ph.D. in his book, dies is a relative or a friend, the impact can last
How to Talk to Your Kids About Really Impor- for the rest of their lives.” Do not assume your
tant Things. Dr. Schaefer also says one of the child will get over the death naturally and on
best ways a parent can show care is by being his own. Be proactive—providing all the comfort
readily present and available during the diffi- and consolation you can.
cult months of grieving. DO be a good listener. Like adults, children
DON’T hide your grief from your children. need to talk about the loss and their feelings
Be open with your own grief and emotions. It’s connected to it. That means they need adults
all right if your children see you crying or feel- who will take the time to listen carefully and
ing sad. Your open grieving gives a child per- compassionately.
mission to grieve as well. By seeing you grieve a “Listening to the child is an effective way of
child will know that it’s putting care into action,” writes grief authority
normal and healthy to cry Alan Wolfelt, Ph.D., in his book Helping Chil-
“Come to me, all you and feel sad after a death. dren Cope With Grief. “Listening requires hear-
who are weary and “A child takes his ing not only the content of what the child is say-
burdened, and I will cue from the adult,” says ing but also hearing the content of that which is
Sacramento, California only being hinted. The child may need help in
give you rest.”
family therapist Jerri terms of being able to put thoughts and feelings
Matthew 11:28 Smock, Ph.D. “You need into words. While you will certainly want to lis-
to handle your own emo- ten with your ears and see through your eyes,
tions—anger, hurt, griev- you will also want to hear and respond with
ing, tears, whatever—and you need to be vul- your heart.”
nerable and you need to be able to express and DO nurture faith, but DON’T blame God.
identify your feelings so a child can do the same Some parents unwittingly create future spiritu-
with his or her own feelings.” al problems for children by incorrectly assign-
DO enlist outside help. Tap into the spiritual ing blame to God for a death. This is done when
resources available from your church. Enlist the a child hears an adult say: God needed Daddy.
help of your child’s Sunday School teacher, youth It was God’s will. God loved your sister so
minister, pastor or other spiritual leader who much he took her.
can minister to grieving children. Often someone Rather than speak of God “taking” a loved
outside the family can provide much needed one, convey to your child that God has “received”
additional comfort, concern and care. a beloved family member and that God is also
DON’T assume that children will just get sad over the tragedy. Remind your child that
over it. “The idea that children are more adapt- “God shares our pain and will help us get through
able, that death is less traumatic to them, is a the crisis.”
myth,” say authors Candy Lightner and Nancy An excellent biblical verse to share with
Hathaway in their book, Giving Sorrow Words. your child is Psalm 147:3. “He heals the bro-
“The fact is that children are in many ways kenhearted, binding up their wounds” (New Liv-
most affected by a death, for unlike adults, ing Translation). Pray for wisdom, asking God
whose identities are formed, they must brave a to direct you in the best ways of responding to
further challenge: growing up in the face of loss. your child.