Grief Binder

How to Deal With Grief
How does grief differ

from depression?
Depression is more than a feeling
of grief after losing someone
or something you love. Clinical
depression is a whole body
disorder. It can take over the way
you think and feel. Symptoms of
depression include:
A sad, anxious, or empty
mood that wont go away
Loss of interest in what you
used to enjoy
Low energy, fatigue, feeling
slowed down
Changes in sleep patterns
Loss of appetite, weight loss, or
weight gain
Trouble concentrating,
remembering, or making
decisions
What is grief?
Grief is the normal response of sorrow, emotion, and confusion that comes
from losing someone or something important to you. It is a natural part of
life. Grief is a typical reaction to death, divorce, job loss, a move away from
family and friends, or loss of good health due to illness.
How does grief feel?

Just after a death or loss, you may feel empty and numb, as if you are in
shock. You may notice physical changes such as trembling, nausea, trouble
breathing, muscle weakness, dry mouth, or trouble sleeping and eating.
You may become angryat a situation, a particular person, or just angry
in general. Almost everyone in grief also experiences guilt. Guilt is often
expressed as I could have, I should have, and I wish I would have
statements.
People in grief may have strange dreams or nightmares, be absent-minded,
withdraw socially, or lack the desire to return to work. While these feelings
and behaviors are normal during grief, they will pass.
Feeling hopeless or gloomy
How long does grief last?
Feeling guilty, worthless, or

helpless
Grief lasts as long as it takes you to accept and learn to live with your loss. For
some people, grief lasts a few months. For others, grieving may take years.
Thoughts of death or suicide or

a suicide attempt
The length of time spent grieving is different for each person. There are many
reasons for the differences, including personality, health, coping style, culture,
family background, and life experiences. The time spent grieving also depends
on your relationship with the person lost and how prepared you were for the
loss.
Recurring aches and pains that

dont respond to treatment.
U.S. DEPARTMENT OF HEALTH AND HUMAN SERVICES

Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration
Center for Mental Health Services
www.samhsa.gov
Where can I find help?
How will I know when Im done

grieving?
The following list of organizations and Web sites

provides information and support for coping
with grief:
Every person who experiences a death or other loss

must complete a four-step grieving process:
The Compassionate Friends (national office)

P.O. Box 3696
Oak Brook, IL 60522-3696
630-990-0010; Toll Free 877-969-0010
http://www.compassionatefriends.org
A national, self-help support organization for those
grieving the loss of a child or sibling.
2) Work through and feel the physical and emotional

pain of grief.
Fernside
Bethesda Professional Building
4360 Cooper Road, Suite 101
Cincinnati, OH 45242
513-745-0111 (M - F 9:30 am - 4:30 pm EST)
http://www.fernside.org
Grief information, resources, and support for grieving
children and their families.
RENEW: Center for Personal Recovery
P.O. Box 125
Berea, KY 40403
859-986-7878
http://www.renew.net
A grief counseling center for individuals and families that
are experiencing loss, with a specialty in grief recovery
counseling for traumatic deaths.
Online Resources
GriefNet
http://www.griefnet.org/
A Web site that provides information and resources
related to death, dying, bereavement, and major
emotional and physical losses.
Growth House, Inc.

http://www.growthhouse.org
A source of quality information and resources on death
and dying issues.
Transformations
http://www.transformations.com
A web site about self-help, support, and recovery issues.
KEN-01-0104
1) Accept the loss.
3) Adjust to living in a world without the person or

item lost.
4) Move on with life.
The grieving process is over only when a person
completes the four steps.
What if these feelings wont

go away?
If you recently experienced a death or other loss,
feelings of grief are part of a normal reaction. But if
these feelings persist with no lifting mood, ask for help.
Contact:
Depression and Bipolar Support Alliance (DBSA)
730 N. Franklin Street, Suite 501
Chicago, IL 60610-7224
800-826-3632
http://www.dbsalliance.org
National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI)
Colonial Place Three
2107 Wilson Blvd., Suite 300
Arlington, VA 22201-3042
Local: 703-524-7600
Toll-free helpline: 800-950-NAMI (950-6264)
http://www.nami.org
National Institute of Mental Health (NIMH)
Public Information and Communications Branch
6001 Executive Boulevard, Suite 8184, MSC 9663
Bethesda, MD 20892-9663
Local: 301-443-4513
Toll-free: 866-615-6464
http://www.nimh.nih.gov
National Mental Health Association (NMHA)
2001 N. Beauregard Street, 12th Floor
Alexandria, VA 22311
Local: 703-684-7722
Toll-free: 800-969-NMHA (969-6642)
http://www.nmha.org
After Caregiving Ends

by Judy Tatelbaum, MSW
There is a natural sense of loss when the need
for our caregiving is over. We must often face
the double sorrow of losing a loved one and our
purpose or role in their lives.
The aftermath can be a very difficult time that
leaves us feeling lost, lonely, and useless. We
may not feel grounded without that important
function of taking care of another in our lives.
Our direction may feel unclear. The future may
look bleak or even empty.
If our self-confidence was based on the job
we were doing, we may experience a shift in
self-esteem. Our confidence may drop or
diminish. It may be hard to pick ourselves up and
start over again.
The first step after any kind of loss is always
to allow and accept our feelings. We must
acknowledge this shift in our lives and the
feelings it may provoke. It is possible that well
feel relief that we dont have to work so hard any
longer, and then feel a sense of guilt for feeling
such relief. We may be angry with ourselves or
someone else for letting us down. All of these
are natural reactions. It is important to express
our sadness, anger, loneliness, regret, and
whatever else we may feel.
It is also important that we listen to ourselves
and appreciate what we feel as we go through the
mourning process. We must accept reality and
forgive ourselves and others now that the loss
has occurred. Those are not always easy steps to
take, but our healing depends on our willingness
to move forward and let go of the past feelings
and resentments, regrets and disappointments.
The future is a blank canvas. We have a choice
as to how we approach it.
Starting a new life is now the job ahead. That

is what we face as we allow ourselves to fully
grieve. We need to take a deep breath and grasp
the fact that our new purpose in life is how to
begin again without the physical presence of the
one we cared for, and minus the job of
caregiving.
As much as we might wish to, we cannot
avoid the fact that change is what is demanded of
us now. It may seem a monumental task to create
new lives. However, starting over can be done in
baby steps, with one new activity at a time, or
one telephone call or even with one minor
change each day.
We all have different reactions to starting
over. For some it is like climbing a mountain that
is too rocky and too steep. For others, even
though it may feel like a blind walk through a
forest, starting over is something we are familiar
with, something weve done before. We know
we will eventually find our way. And for those
lucky few who deal with life as an adventure,
there may even be some excitement at
discovering the new, unexplored lands or places
that lie ahead after caregiving is over.
Taken from HFAs bereavement newsletter,

Journeys, April 2001. For more information
about this and other resources, contact HFA at
1-800-854-3402 or
www.hospicefoundation.org
LOSSGRIEVINGHEALINGLOVING: Bill of Rights for the Bereaved:
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LOSSGRIEVINGHEALINGLOVING
Tuesday, June 06, 2006
Bill of Rights for the Bereaved:

Facing the loss of a spouse or life-partner is heartbreaking.
Loving is all-encompassing; love took most of our emotional energy
as we embraced our spouse or partner. We cared that they were
fulfilled and well. We wanted to protect them and make them
happy. We were devoted, so much so, that losing this loved one,
About
WELCOME! While grieving and healing
from the death of a spouse or
partner, it is helpful to seek informed
information that can lighten your pain
and offer a safe place to share your
sadness, concerns and challenges.
This is that place.
feels crippling. And so, when they are gone, we need to learn how
to transform this energy into something positive. Not a "substitute,"
but a conversion, from a "we" to an "I".
During this important journey, the first idea we need to fully
embrace is that you, the mourner, have rights. What are they?
We have the right to express our grieving in our own way.
We have the right to know that grieving is slow, hard work and to
move through it at our own pace.
We have the right to express our feelings about grief and to explore
them.
We have the right to forgive ourselves for the things we think we
should have done or might have done and realize that what we
did in that moment of time was based on the information at hand
and that we did the best that we could with the knowledge we had.
About Me
Name: Gloria Lintermans
Gloria Lintermans is the co-author
with Marilyn Stolzman, Ph.D.,
L.M.F.T. of THE HEALING POWER OF
GRIEF: The Journey Through Loss to
Life and Laughter, ISBN 1-93278348-2 and THE HEALING POWER OF
LOVE: Transcending the Loss of a
Spouse to New Love, ISBN 1-93278351-2 (Champion Press, Ltd., March,
2006). Gloria is a freelance writer and
author of The Newly Divorced Book of
Protocol (Barricade Books, NY)), and
Retro Chic (Really Great Books, LA).
She has hosted her own cable TV
show and radio program. She is a
former internationally syndicated
newspaper columnist. Gloria is also a
widow.
View my complete profile
We have the right to be ourselves and to recognize our strengths

and our limitations.
Previous
We have the right to participate actively in our mourning, to

remember the past with fond memories and to allow ourselves to
enjoy our lives again.
We have the right to move forward and to speak of our pain,
whether that makes people uncomfortable or not.
We have the right to go back and forth in our grieving; some days
making progress and other days slipping back.
We have a right to express our emotions and to have others bear
witness to our story.
We have the right to believe that we will have a whole life again!
http://creativegrief.blogspot.com/2006/06/bill-of-rights-for-bereaved.html
9/22/2009
LOSSGRIEVINGHEALINGLOVING: Bill of Rights for the Bereaved:
Page 2 of 2
a Spouse to Life and Laughter by Gloria Lintermans & Marilyn

Stolzman, Ph.D., L.M.F.T. (Champion Press, Ltd., March 2006)
ISBN: 1-932783-48-2
More important information on mourning, healing, and loving again
in the days and weeks to come. Let's do this together. This is the
place to shre your challenges, your goals, your triumphs ... your
concerns, comments and questions.
posted by Gloria Lintermans at 1:26 PM
1 Comments:
I started dating an old high school friend almost a year ago. At that point
his spouse of 30+ years had passed just 10 months before. I have tried
to honor his feelings for her. He recently told me that he didn't know if he
would ever again give his heart away. I feel that he is worth waiting for
but at the same time it is difficult to constantly live in her shadow.
By
Anonymous, at Tuesday, 12 September, 2006
Post a Comment
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9/22/2009
American Hospice Foundation :: The First Year Anniversary
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The First Year Anniversary

THE FIRST YEAR ANNIVERSAY
By Helen Fitzgerald
October 2007
It is almost a year since the death of a loved one. As this first year anniversary approaches, you may
feel that an internal clock is counting down the days and hours. You may be thinking: one year ago
today we were celebrating his birthday or one year ago today we got the diagnosis. With such
thoughts you can be overcome again by intense, painful grief that you thought was over. As one who
has gone through the same experience, I simply want to reassure you that this is normal; it happens to
almost everyone who has lost a loved one.
Here are some first-year anniversary suggestions that I hope you will find helpful. The first set is for
you, and the second set is for friends and co-workers who may want to help.
For You
To begin with, plan for the day. Do not fool yourself into thinking that if you ignore it, it will go
away. You are better off confronting it and dealing with it. Also, be careful not to expect your family,
friends or colleagues at work to remember the significance of this particular day, the day your loved
one died. Expecting such support, you could be bitterly disappointed. To avoid this, it is okay to
remind those around you that the day is approaching, thereby making clear to them that you are aware
of the date--and that its okay for them to mention it, too. Let them know how the coming anniversary
is affecting you and just how difficult it is for you. Give them some ideas of what they might do to
help. I suggest that you start your planning as soon as you find yourself thinking about the
anniversary. Ask yourself these questions: Who do I want to remind of this painful date? What do I
want to do that day? Do I want to work as usual, or should I try to take the day off? If I take the day
off, what will I do? Should I plan an informal gathering of friends? Should I arrange a memorial
service at the church? Should I get away entirely and go to the beach or to the mountains? And if I do
that, who do I want to take with me?
Often the anticipation of the anniversary is more stressful than the actual day, especially with well-laid
plans. Once this first year anniversary has passed, you will have made it through an entire year of
firsts. Often the second year is easier, and this is normal as you slowly progress through your grief.
For Friends and Co-workers
If you remember that the one-year anniversary date of the death is coming up, but arent sure exactly
when, it is certainly okay to ask your friend or co-worker. You will not open up old wounds; most
likely they are already opened. He or she will be pleased that you remembered.
If you do remember the exact date, dont surprise your friend or co-worker with an event. While
these are kind intentions, this may be overwhelming. Instead, speak with your friend or co-worker and
let him or her know you are aware of the anniversary. Let the person know that you are also aware
that strong feelings of grief may return at this time and invite them to let you know if they need any
special help at work or at home. Ask if they would like some time with you just to talk. Find a quiet
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American Hospice Foundation :: The First Year Anniversary
Page 2 of 2
space or go for a walk. Then you might offer some suggestions of things you could do to mark this
event--going out to lunch, taking up a collection for a special charity, attending a church service with
them, or spending the day together.
If you are uncomfortable dealing so openly with the anniversary, you might simply buy a box of
chocolates or some flowers that could be sent to the house or placed on the desk with an I am thinking
of you card to be signed by a select group of friends.
Whatever you decide to do, the first-year anniversary of someones death is an opportunity to show
love and caring to a bereaved friend or colleague, an act of friendship never to be forgotten.
2007 American Hospice Foundation. All Rights Reserved.
American Hospice Foundation
2120 L Street, NW
Suite 200
Washington, DC 20037
202-223-0204 Fax 202-223-0208
www.americanhospice.org
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American Hospice Foundation :: Helping Yourself Through Grief
Page 1 of 3
Helping Yourself Through Grief

By Helen Fitzgerald, CT
March 2000
Grief is experienced whenever you lose something important to you. Grief is so powerful that people
sometimes look for ways to go around it rather than experience it. This approach will not work. The
best thing you can do for yourself is to work through grief and express your feelings. The following are
specific ways to help yourself work through grief.
BASIC HEALTH CONCERNS - Grief is exhausting and it is important to continue your daily health
routines.
1. Try to eat regular, nourishing meals. If it is too difficult to eat three regular meals, try 4 or 5
small ones. Have nourishing food available to nibble on rather than chips and candy.
2. Rest is important. Try to develop regular bedtime routines. If you are having a hard time getting
to sleep, try a glass of warm milk or some soft easy listening music to sooth your thoughts.
3. Continue your exercise program and develop a manageable routine.
4. Meditation, perhaps in the form of prayer or yoga, can help you get the rest you need.
5. Make sure your family doctor knows what has happened so he or she can help monitor you
health.
OUTSIDE SUPPORT - Grief does not have to be as isolating as it seems.
1. Look for a support group, lecture or seminar that pertains to your situation.
2. Continue attending church services and stay in contact with this "family," if that has been a
source of support to you.
3. Let your friends and other family members know what your emotional or physical needs are. The
more they know what to do to help you, the more available they will be.
FEELINGS
1. Read books or articles of the process of grief so you can identify what you are feeling and have
some ideas on how to help yourself.
2. Allow your feelings to be expressed appropriately.
3. Crying is good. You feel lighter after you have had a good cry. Consider sharing your tears with
other loved ones. We laugh together, why not cry together as well?
4. Find friends or family members to share your feelings with.
5. Be careful not to use alcohol, drugs, or tranquilizers. These will only mask the pain and could
lead to problems.
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6. Keeping a journal is a good way to identify feelings and also to see progress.
7. Holidays and anniversaries need special planning. They are impossible to ignore. Look for a
workshop on dealing with the holidays and make plans with your family and friends.
BE KIND TO YOURSELF
1. If you desire some alone time, take it as often as you need to.
2. Give yourself rewards along the way as something to look forward to.
3. Look for small ways to pamper yourself, such as bubble baths, a new cologne, soft pajamas, or a
new hair cut.
4. A short trip can be a good break from grief, but be aware that upon your return, the pain of grief
will be waiting for you. However, you will have had a rest and the knowledge that you can enjoy
some things in life again.
5. Look for some new interests, perhaps a new hobby or resuming an old one.
6. Carry a special letter, poem, or quote with you to read when the going gets tough.
7. Try to enjoy the good days and don't feel guilty for doing so.
8. Reach out to help someone else.
9. Learn to have patience with yourself. Remember, grief takes time.
10. Know that you WILL get better and there WILL be a time when you can look forward to getting
up in the morning and be glad you are alive.
HELP FOR YOUR MARRIAGE AND RELATIONSHIPS
1. Good communication is necessary. People cannot read your mind. They may not know that this
particular day is difficult or they may not know how to help you.
2. Talk about what is helpful to you and what is not helpful to you.
3. Be sensitive to the needs of your partner. Grief is different for each person.
4. By reviewing past losses together, you can understand how your partner may react to the recent
one.
5. Avoid competition in who is hurting most. Each person will have difficult issues to cope with.
Grief is hard for everybody.
6. Consult each other regarding birthdays, holidays, and anniversaries. It is a mistake to hope the
holiday will slip by unnoticed. Make plans and discuss them.
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7. Try not to expect too much from your partner. People do not operate at 100 percent during the
grieving period. The dishes may not get done or the yard may not be mown as regularly as
before. Many chores can wait. Hire someone to help you catch up.
8. Read and educate yourself about the grief process. Go to the library and get an armload of books.
Read ones in which you feel the author "is speaking to you" and return the others. Grief books do
not need to be read cover to cover. Look for a book with a detailed table of contents that will
enable you to select certain parts as you need them.
9. Consider the "gender" differences. Men and women grieve differently. Usually women are more
comfortable expressing their emotions. Men often get busy, burying themselves at work or taking
on projects at home.
10. Avoid pressuring your partner about decisions that can wait. Of course, some decisions cannot be
postponed, and those you will have to deal with. However, many can be put off for a day or a
week or even longer.
11. Take a short trip to "regroup." If a child has died, it is very important to reacquaint yourself with
the new family structure. Getting away from the telephone and memories for a few days can help
you do this.
12. Seek professional guidance, especially if you feel your loss is interfering with your marriage or
relationships.
2000. American Hospice Foundation. All Rights Reserved.
American Hospice Foundation
2120 L Street, NW
Suite 200
Washington, DC 20037
202-223-0204 Fax 202-223-0208
www.americanhospice.org
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9/7/2009
LOSSGRIEVINGHEALINGLOVING: When Half of a Whole Feels Like Zero
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Tuesday, August 29, 2006
When Half of a Whole Feels Like Zero

The mental fog that had sheltered me emotionally during those
first four months after my husbands death is slowly, and painfully,
beginning to clear. Coincidently, this occurs just as the world
around me appears to need me to get out and on with my life. And
so, Im finding that this is an important time in my mourning
because with my newfound awareness comes the need to take a
stand, to own my grieving process. Sounds like Im getting
stronger? Yes, in some ways, but the reality is that sadness, crying
and feeling lost are still very much a part of my day-to-day world.
Two weeks shy of the fifth-month anniversary of my husband's
death, I can say, without the slightest hesitation or hint of
exaggeration that grieving sucks. Ugly word? Yes. Ugly feeling?
Absolutely! Grieving is neither gentle nor quiet; it is bottomless
loneliness, anger and depression, until finally, a year or two down
the road, I will be at peace with my loss -- or so the experts say.
But for now, there's no way around my grief; I can't hide from it
(for long anyway) or run away from it -- it follows me wherever I
go, no matter how fast I'm travelin'. Im reminded, painfully once
again, that losing a spouse is different from any other loss.
When my husband died after a prolonged illness, I thought I was
prepared for his death. And I was - intellectually. What I now know
is that we can prepare our intellect, but when death happens,
emotionally, it still feels as if you are slamming into a brick wall.
The rhythms of life continue around me unaltered, but I feel as if
the universe is out of kilter, even on my best days.
Feeling so raw, what did I do to try to take care of myself at a time
when I felt incapable of dealing with anything? Thankfully support
was available in a variety of forms. All it took was my willingness to
take life baby step-by baby-step and work hard to keep an open
heart and mind.
About
This is that place.
About Me
widow.
Previous
HEALING AFTER LOSS
The following steps I found to be helpful.

Bereavement Support Group
Profound grief was, for me, deeply isolating, because although
family and friends wanted to help, it was impossible for them to
relate to what I was going through. Instead, I joined a
bereavement support group run by professional counselors, which
made the experience more manageable. It gave the process
structure and me a place where each week, no matter what else
was going on in my life, my grieving was encouraged. I joined a
support group -- even though the thought of being with strangers
was, at that time, the last thing I felt capable of doing. No matter
what other challenges I was dealing with, this was a place for me to
fully know my sorrow. By its very structure, a bereavement group
offers a sort of marker, one that allows you to appreciate your own
ups and downs, as well as your progress. Sure, you'll cry in front of
people you don't know, but they'll cry as well. And eventually, you'll
cry less and laugh more as you cherish the emotional safety this
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9/22/2009
Page 2 of 3
group provides. Youll also feel good about helping other group
members, which in turn helps you to begin to feel powerful and
whole again.
You might feel afraid that it's like going to therapy, something that
might be especially scary when you're so vulnerable. Be assured
that while a licensed bereavement therapist moderates the group,
this is a support process group that deals with the here and now,
it is not a therapy group that delves into your childhood in order to
resolve old issues.
At this point in my mourning, these have been my most important
discoveries:
Honor YOURSELF
Recognize who among family, friends, neighbors, and co-workers
are emotionally safe right now and base your expectations on that
information. Trust your ability to sense with whom you can be
vulnerable, and with whom you cannot. My saddest moments are
when something wonderful happens and my husband isn't there to
celebrate or congratulate. By the same token, Ive also lost the one
person I could always go to when I needed a break from lifes
everyday problems. He wasn't there so much to fix things, but to
provide a place to rest when I needed it. Its not the same, or quite
as good, but I turn to others for that, for now.
Honor yourself and your need to put yourself first for now. This is
hard if your spouse passed away from a prolonged illness and you
were, as I was, his caregiver. Im just beginning to realize how,
over the challenging care-giving years, Id lost the ability to be
spontaneoustoo many doctors, dialysis, pills, procedures to be
aware of, not to mention my husbands inability to be left alone for
more than an hour at a time, and even then, I was never far.
Doctor appointments, medical treatments, medications, the to-dos
were many, so much so that taking care of my own needs quickly
fell to the bottom of the list. Our lives revolved around my
husbands illness. Now is your time to re-learn the art of
spontaneity, to have adventures and fun.
Be open with your adult children about your grief and the process
youre going through. Just please remind them that its not their job
to take care of your grief or to make your grief disappear. First of
all, no one can make your grief disappear; it is a process you will
work through. They can support your effort; they just can't do it for
you. By example, you will encourage them to process their own
grief in an honest, open way, allowing all of you to remain
emotionally open to each other.
Slow down. Meditate, nap, sit in the garden, smell the roses; the
exact opposite of keeping yourself busy, busy, busy. Sure, busy
might keep you from having time to think, but you also wont heal.
Exercise. God/Mother Nature/The Universe blessed us with
endorphins. Our bodys own feel-good high; its natural and its
free. Allow this brain chemical to neutralize stress hormones to help
you feel better. All your endorphins need is a little stimulation
(experience tells me that it takes only a half hour of brisk walking
to kick into gear.) Exercise need not be brutal, just regular.
Timetables. Honor your own timetable for sorting out your spouses
personal things, for changing the message on the answering
machine, and taking care of the other pending tasks. The added
tragedy of loss is that many of us are also left to cope with the
9/22/2009
Page 3 of 3
when we feel unable to cope with anything. Look to family,

professionals, and trusted friends -- don't be afraid to ask for help.
Yesterday, Today and Tomorrow
Live in the moment, for that's all we have any control over. The
past is gone and the future holds no guarantees. Moment-tomoment, celebrate life, or rage at the forces, but stay present. For
me, taking care of "the now" included honoring those close friends
of my husband's who were also struggling with this loss. I wrapped
personal objects of my husbands, a treasured fountain pen, a tie,
little objects from his desk at the office and sent them with a note
letting each person know how special their friendship had been to
my husband. It gave me a way to gracefully put closure to
relationships that I knew would not survive his death because they
had been his. I was uncomfortable allowing these special people to
just drift without closure.
Five months in, that's all I know for now -- but I'll keep learning,
making mistakes, growing stronger, feeling sad when I least expect
it, and living. Oh, and yes, reminding myself to breathe now and
then as I begin to feel strong enough to once again reach for my
joy.
Excerpted from:
THE HEALING POWER OF GRIEF: The Journey Through Loss
to Life and Laughter (ISBN 1-932783-48-2) By Gloria Lintermans
& Marilyn Stolzman, Ph.D., L.M.F.T., Champion Press, 2006
Available at bookstores everywhere and online at:
Amazon.comThe Healing Power of Grief: Amazon.com,
Barnesandnoble.comThe Healing Power of Grief:
BarnesandNoble.com
posted by Gloria Lintermans at 11:08 AM
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9/22/2009
LOSSGRIEVINGHEALINGLOVING: HEALING AFTER LOSS
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Wednesday, August 23, 2006
HEALING AFTER LOSS

Loss is a fact of life. Yet, following loss, their needs to be a healthy
healing, a healing that allows life not only to simply continue, but
with joy and determination. What are the elements that make up
healing? Whether suffering from a divorce, loss of a child, loss of a
parent or loss of a spouse, we go through certain stages and
About
This is that place.
reactions. Not only is it different for each person, it is different with

each loss. Based on the nature of the relationship, we must take
into consideration the history we had with that person, the
strengths, the troubled aspects, our ego strengths, the intensity of
the love and the unfinished fragments of the relationship.
There are many feelings in common that people go through in the
stages of grief; as well as an often overlap of these stages. The
stages include shock, denial, anger, depression, and transition,
integration and adjustment .Elizabeth Kubler-Ross is credited with
naming the stages that she created for the dying. I reframed the
last stage of acceptance to call it, integration, adjustment and
transition as it better describes what people actually move through.
There is a great deal of emotion a, during loss, we move from one
stage to another and then back again. A few steps forward and a
few steps back similar to the game of Monopoly 3 squares
forward, one square back and then land of chance. Be reassured
that this back-and-forth movement is perfectly normal.
While moving through the stages of grief, know that:
About Me
widow.
Healing takes TIME.

Healing requires PATIENCE.
Healing is SLOW.
Previous
Healing means MOVING BACK AND FORTH IN PROGRESS.

Healing means BEING EMOTIONALLY AVAILABLE TO
YOURSELF.
Healing means BEING KIND AND LESS JUDGMENTAL TO
YOURSELF.
Healing means allowing whatever FEELINGS TO SURFACE,
knowing that they are subject to change.
Healing means that SOME DAYS ARE EASIER THAN OTHERS.
http://creativegrief.blogspot.com/2006/08/healing-after-loss.html
9/22/2009
Page 2 of 3
Healing means its OK to CRY and express doubt.

Healing means the ability to take in the POSITIVE while
acknowledging the negative.
Healing means allowing OTHERS to come in and offer support.
Healing employs SELF-ACCEPTANCE and allowing yourself to be
in the moment.
Healing is about creating BALANCE in your life.
Healing is about enjoying NATURE and spending enough time to
slow down, breathe the air and see the trees.
Healing is about EXERCISE and adequate NUTRITION.
Healing is about using POSITIVE AFFIRMATIONS about yourself
and your world.
Healing is about feeling SAFE within yourself.
Healing is about LISTENING TO YOUR INNER VOICE.
Lastly, when we can share our bereavement experiences with
others who are going through the same thing, we are participating
in our own as well as each others healing. It is important to
recognize that the wounded healer, in healing the wounds of others,
is healing his or her own wound. This back and forth process of
listening and being emotionally available to yourself and others is
useful in moving forward. The humanness of a shared experience is
healing; when we recognize that we are not alone and isolated, we
feel a sense of security knowing what the larger community can
offer.
THE HEALING POWER OF GRIEF: The Journey Through Loss to Life
and Laughter (ISBN 1-932783-48-2) andTHE HEALING POWER OF
LOVE: Transcending the Loss of a Spouse to New Love (ISBN 1932783-51-2)
By Gloria Lintermans & Marilyn Stolzman, Ph.D., L.M.F.T.,
Champion Press, 2006
Available at bookstores everywhere and online at:
Amazon.com - The Healing Power of Grief: Amazon.com,
Barnesandnoble.com - The Healing Power of Grief:
BarnesandNoble.com
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9/22/2009
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LOSSGRIEVINGHEALINGLOVING: THE TIME SEQUENCES OF GRIEF: A ... Page 1 of 3
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Tuesday, September 05, 2006
THE TIME SEQUENCES OF GRIEF: A Healing Understanding

The loss of a spouse is one of the most difficult loses we
experience as your entire day-to-day life is turned upside-down.
The grieving process following this loss is divided into five time
sequences of grief. One to four months would be called SHOCK,
five to eight months of mourning is DENIAL, nine to twelve months
is ANGER, thirteen to seventeen months is DEPRESSION,
eighteen to twenty four months is INTEGRATION, ADJUSTMENT
and TRANSITION.
While everyone experiences grief and mourning in his or her own
way and time, predictably there are time sequences and emotions
common to all. You may find yourself going through each of the
emotional stages of shock, denial, anger, depression, and finally,
integration, adjustment and transition in the order listed, or you
may find yourself jumping all over the place in a forward-andbackward movement.
You may even seem to skip one stage completely, only to
encounter it long after you have thought yourself emotionally
healed. How so? You may not have allowed yourself to recognize,
for instance, anger directed inward, or directed outward toward
your late spouse or even the world-at-large until you are feeling
stronger and in control of your life once again.
SHOCK is an alarm response to a sudden, violent or upsetting
disturbance. Whether your loss is sudden or expected, the element
of shock is still present. It is an alarm state that protects you from
the flood of emotions with which you may be unable to cope. You
may experience it as anxiety, insomnia, and /or numbness. It helps
you get through this initial time period. It is normal at this time to
lose things, to misplace things, to have trouble concentrating and
staying focused. At work, you may function fine and at home while
reading the papers, you may not be able to retain three sentences.
You are easily distracted, may lose self-esteem, and frequently feel
overwhelmed.
About
This is that place.
About Me
widow.
Previous
When Half of a Whole Feels Like
Zero
HEALING AFTER LOSS
DENIAL. While mourning involves the struggle between holding on

and letting go, denial keeps you holding on. Denial is no stranger,
as it is a regularly utilized defense that helps to reduce, avoid or
prevent anxiety. Denial helps to make life bearable at your time of
loss. Denial of loss can take the form of refusing to believe that
those we trust may let us down. It show up in many ways, such as
leaving the deceaseds room unchanged, setting an extra place at
the table, or momentarily believing that you see your loved one I
the face of a stranger. You might feel that the deceased has gone
on vacation, or that the phone will ring or that the doorbell will
knock. Denial is a defense of the ego and it lasts as long as it lasts.
ANGER. When denial can no longer be maintained, feelings of
anger, rage, envy and resentment may show up. This anger may be
directed outward or inward. Anger toward the self may look like self
blame (i e I should have done more if only I had ) resulting
http://creativegrief.blogspot.com/2006/09/time-sequences-of-grief-healing.html
9/22/2009
in feelings of guilt, shame, helplessness and fear. When directed

outward, there is a danger of becoming caught up in bitterness,
resentment and alienation. Instead of feeling the normal grieving
feelings of sorrow and emotional pain, one may lash out at any
convenient scapegoat (i.e., the doctors, God, an inept salesperson,
etc.) When you admit your anger to yourself, talk to someone you
trust. It is important to work through your feelings of anger and
fear.
DEPRESSION. Anger turned inward becomes depression.
Depression often occurs as feelings of helplessness and overwhelm
as a result of dealing with a new and unwanted life-change and
expecting yourself to manage your daily obligations and emotions
as you did when your loved one was alive. Here it is important to
take every step slowly and carefully. Seek help where and when
needed and acknowledge every success, no matter how small.
When the depression is not dealt with the grieving process is
delayed. Often it is helpful to speak with a therapist or counselor for
assistance in dealing with these overwhelming thoughts. Often,
depression may be experienced more at nine months than initially
because one is so busy taking care of paperwork and details, that
they do not have time to process the feelings.
INTEGRATION, ADJUSTMENT, and TRANSITION. How will you
know when you are healing? You will know when you can think of
your loved one without the accompanied strong emotional feelings
of longing and sadness. You will remember him/her more
realistically; neither as an idealized saint or as a villain. You will be
living in the present, not stuck in the past, and making plans for the
future. I dont think we totally achieve acceptance, I think we
weave the loss into our lives by integrating it, making an
adjustment to our living and making a transition. The pain and
sorrow have lessened, and we feel free to reinvest in our lives
again.
THE HEALING POWER OF GRIEF: The Journey Through Loss to Life
and Laughter (ISBN 1-932783-48-2)and THE HEALING POWER OF
LOVE: Transcending the Loss of a Spouse to New Love (ISBN 1932783-51-2)
By Gloria Lintermans & Marilyn Stolzman, Ph.D., L.M.F.T.,
Champion Press, 2006
Available at bookstores everywhere and online at: Amazon.com and
BarnesandNoble.com
1 Comments:
I started dating an old high school friend almost a year ago. At that point
his spouse of 30+ years had passed just 10 months before. I have tried
to honor his feelings for her. He recently told me that he didn't know if he
would ever again give his heart away. I feel that he is worth waiting for
but at the same time it is difficult to constantly live in her shadow.
-Posted by Anonymous to LOSSGRIEVINGHEALINGLOVING at
9/12/2006 08:04:36 AM
By Anonymous,
9/22/2009
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9/22/2009
American Hospice Foundation :: You Know You Are Getting Better When...
Page 1 of 2
You Know You Are Getting Better When...

By Helen Fitzgerald, CT
August 2002
The progress through grief is so slow, and so often of a "one step forward and two steps backwards"
motion, that it is difficult to see signs of improvement. The following are clues that will help you to see
that you are beginning to work through your grief:
z
z
z
z
z
z
z
z
z
z
z
z
You are in touch with the finality of the death. You now know in your heart that your loved one
is truly gone and will never return to this earth.
You can review both pleasant and unpleasant memories. In early grief, memories are painful
because they remind you of how much you have lost. Now it feels good to remember, and you
look for people to share memories with.
You can enjoy time alone and feel comfortable. You no longer need to have someone with you
all the time or look for activities to keep you distracted.
You can drive somewhere by yourself without crying the whole time. Driving seems to be a
place where many people cry, which can be dangerous for you and other drivers.
You are less sensitive to some of the comments people make. You realize that painful comments
made by family or friends are made in ignorance.
You look forward to holidays. Once dreaded occasions can now be anticipated with excitement,
perhaps through returning to old traditions or creating new ones.
You can reach out to help someone else in a similar situation. It is healing to be able to use your
experience to help others.
The music you shared with the one you lost is no longer painful to hear. Now, you may even find
it comforting.
You can sit through a church service without crying.
Some time passes in which you have not thought of your loved one. When this first happens, you
may panic, thinking, "I am forgetting." This is not true. You will never forget. You are giving
yourself permission to go on with your life and your loved one would want you to do this.
You can enjoy a good joke and have a good laugh without feeling guilty.
Your eating, sleeping, and exercise patterns return to what they were beforehand.
You no longer feel tired all the time.
You have developed a routine or a new schedule in your daily life that does not include your
loved one.
You can concentrate on a book or favorite television program. You can even retain information
you have just read or viewed.
You no longer have to make daily or weekly trips to the cemetery. You now feel comfortable
going once a month or only on holidays or other special occasions.
You can find something to be thankful for. You always knew there were good things going on in
your life, but they didn't matter much before.
You can establish new and healthy relationships. New friends are now part of your life and you
enjoy participating in activities with them.
You feel confident again. You are in touch with your new identity and have a stronger sense of
what you are going to do with the rest of your life.
You can organize and plan your future.
You can accept things as they are and not keep trying to return things to what they were.
You have patience with yourself through "grief attacks." You know they are becoming further
apart and less frightening and painful.
You look forward to getting up in the morning.
You stop to smell the flowers along the way and enjoy experiences in life that are meant to be
9/7/2009
American Hospice Foundation :: You Know You Are Getting Better When...
Page 2 of 2
enjoyed.
The vacated roles that your loved one filled in your life are now being filled by yourself or
others. When a loved one dies he or she leaves many "holes" in your life. Now those holes are
being filled with other people and activities, although some will remain empty. You are more at
ease with these changes.
You can take the energy and time spent thinking about your loss and put those energies
elsewhere, perhaps by helping others in similar situations or making concrete plans with your
own life.
You acknowledge your new life and even discover personal growth from experiencing grief.
2002. American Hospice Foundation. All Rights Reserved.
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How does grief differ from depression?

How does grief differ from depression?

What are some common feelings experienced during grief?

What are some common feelings experienced during grief?

How to Deal With Grief

How does grief differ

How does grief feel?

Feeling hopeless or gloomy

How long does grief last?

Feeling guilty, worthless, or

Thoughts of death or suicide or

Recurring aches and pains that

U.S. DEPARTMENT OF HEALTH AND HUMAN SERVICES

Where can I find help?

How will I know when Im done

The following list of organizations and Web sites

Every person who experiences a death or other loss

The Compassionate Friends (national office)

2) Work through and feel the physical and emotional

A Web site that provides information and resources

related to death, dying, bereavement, and major

emotional and physical losses.

Growth House, Inc.

A web site about self-help, support, and recovery issues.

1) Accept the loss.

3) Adjust to living in a world without the person or

What if these feelings wont

After Caregiving Ends

Starting a new life is now the job ahead. That

Taken from HFAs bereavement newsletter,

LOSSGRIEVINGHEALINGLOVING: Bill of Rights for the Bereaved:

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Tuesday, June 06, 2006

Bill of Rights for the Bereaved:

We have the right to be ourselves and to recognize our strengths

We have the right to participate actively in our mourning, to

LOSSGRIEVINGHEALINGLOVING: Bill of Rights for the Bereaved:

a Spouse to Life and Laughter by Gloria Lintermans & Marilyn

Anonymous, at Tuesday, 12 September, 2006

American Hospice Foundation :: The First Year Anniversary

The First Year Anniversary

American Hospice Foundation :: The First Year Anniversary

American Hospice Foundation :: Helping Yourself Through Grief

Helping Yourself Through Grief

American Hospice Foundation :: Helping Yourself Through Grief

American Hospice Foundation :: Helping Yourself Through Grief

LOSSGRIEVINGHEALINGLOVING: When Half of a Whole Feels Like Zero

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Tuesday, August 29, 2006

When Half of a Whole Feels Like Zero

The following steps I found to be helpful.

LOSSGRIEVINGHEALINGLOVING: When Half of a Whole Feels Like Zero

LOSSGRIEVINGHEALINGLOVING: When Half of a Whole Feels Like Zero

when we feel unable to cope with anything. Look to family,

LOSSGRIEVINGHEALINGLOVING: HEALING AFTER LOSS

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Wednesday, August 23, 2006

HEALING AFTER LOSS

reactions. Not only is it different for each person, it is different with