Week 5 Power Rankings

What the fuck is up mis amigos? I’m back with the week 5 power rankings, and after
an incredibly interesting week, there’s quite a bit of movement. Also, look out for a
couple of awards handed out throughout the power rankings for some great
achievements in the league this week!

14 I Quit - Sung (-)

I really have no more shit to talk about Sung’s team, so instead, I’ll just state some
facts:
-He played 12th highest scorer this week, who only had 88.2 points
-He was the 14th highest scorer, with 81.7
-So yes, he lost to someone who couldn’t even put up 90 this week
-He’s last in the league in points for, 491.2, and is the only team with under 500
points
-He’s the only team in the league without a win
-His combined record (record against every team, every week) is 14-51, which is by
far the lowest in the league

13 BIG BOY - Bretttttt (-1)

Up next is the only team making Sung feel any better, the second lowest point
scorer, BIG BOY. The latest victim of Nate’s pimp hand, suffering the biggest loss of
week 5, losing by 39. Hopefully Fournette makes a return soon because if not, well,
things aren’t looking great for this tall lad.

12 Tiny Tuck and the Micros - Donald (-1)

Up next in the power rankings is Donny-No-Time who lost by 1.6 this week, bringing
Sean to 4-1. Now, let’s delve into the controversy, Donald lost by 1.6 and started a
kicker on bye. Well just a little fun fact, average starting kicker this week scored 8
points, and well, lets do some quick math annnnnnd, damn, looks like donald would
have definitely won if he picked up a kicker! BUT, it’s not as simple as that, Donald is
a busy man. Lottta arm, little time. And to be fair, it wasn’t announced Cody Parkey
was on bye until, wait, what’s that? His week 4 bye has been set for months and was
easily avoidable? Ah…. I see. Well, with that being said, I would like to give out my
first award of the week, and that would be the Mike Offenbach Excuse Award, given
out in the occasion of an Offenbach level bad excuse. So, congratulations Tiny Tuck!
(Click link below if not on laptop ESPN to see the award):
https://i.imgur.com/5gfB6DY.jpg

11 Kickers are Important - Joe (+2)

And up two spots, despite a loss and being the only 1 win team in the league, is Joe.
Joe really got cucked this week, and I was the bull, he was the second highest scorer
in the league, but still picked up and L. Just one of those shitty situations. But, I hope
Joe learned a valuable lesson this week, Kickers are Important! And with mine
outscoring his by 9 and leading me to a victory, I hope that lesson sticks.
 10 Sanduskys Tight End - Nicky P (-5)
Coming in at the 10 spot, is the biggest dropper of the week, Sandusky’s Tight Ends.
In what must have absolutely infuriated Nick, he was beat by none other than
Kavanbach. Calvin Ridley’s return to Earth certainly hurt Nick even more, but what
hurt him more, and would have brought him right into the range of wining would
have been starting Aaron Rodgers over Andy Dalton, who knew!

9 Hand Breaded Nips - Brandon (+1)

Up one spot from last week is Hand Breaded Nips, who somehow managed to pull
out 120 points despite looming injuries and cold streaks. BarBar was smart enough
to start Isaiah Crowell who rushed for 219 yards. Brandon is 3-2 and primed for a
playoff push if his team keeps it up.

8 No Skin Jonesy - Brody (-2)

I know, I know, Brody both won AND changed his team name finally, so why the
drop? Well, as delved into in Sung’s ranking, yes, Ryan did win. But…..it was with
only 88 points and a real right place right time situation. But he’ll have a chance to
prove himself this week against Run the Train, one of the top teams in the league.

7 Daddy’s Squirting Pigeons - Bach (+2)

At 7 is a relatively controversy ranking, 4-1, tied for league lead for best record, but
#7 in the power ranking. Bach pulled out another win this week, and is currently on
quite the hot streak, bolstering a 4 game win streak. But, that being said, Bach has
somehow managed his impressive record while being 10th in the league in points
scored. Although his team is starting to really take form, as his arsenal of young
wideouts (pause) are coming into their own. If he can beat Sean next week, expect to
see a significant jump from Bach.

6 T.Y. Dolla $ign - Kris (-2)

And down two spots this week is Kristoff after suffering the second biggest loss of
the week to Brandon. And now that we’re hitting the top section, we can start
talking about some of the trades that went down. Kris, unfortunately for him, finally
got his hands on golden boy Pat Mahommes, just for him to have his worst week yet.
BUT, things are on the up and up for Kris, as Mahommes was playing the Jags, so
expect a rebound week out of both him, and Kris’ team, with TY on his way back to
the field as well.\

5 Spank Me - Nate (+3)

Reclaiming a spot in the top 5 is Nate, after a dominating week 5 victory. His team
still looks incredible sharp, with the #2 RB and TE, neither of whom show any signs
of slowing down. Also, now that he’s moved to Denver, I can call him a fucking
homer for having both starting Broncos wide receivers!

4 Grip It, Grope It, Grappette - Nathan (+3)

And re-entering the top 4, are the Grapists. After making two clutch trades, I shot up
the leaderboards to the top scorer of week 5, SO SOMEONE TELL SEAN TO HIT MY
VENMO. I am invigorated baby, new life, and I am issuing a warning to Nick, that if
he doesn’t bench his whole team, he will feel my wrath week 6!

3 Run the Train - Thomas (-1)

And down one spot, after losing a tough matchup to a top contender, is Run the
Train. This matchup was a very interesting one, as it paired up the two biggest
beacons of white hope, Cooper Kupp & Adam Thielend, since David Duke and white
hoods. But unfortunately for Thomas, just like 95% of presidential elections, one
white man had to come out on top. And this time, it was undrafted free agent Adam
Thielend.

2 Mike Vicks Good Boys - Sean (+1)

Up next, is a team owner living up to his team’s name, a very good boy. After a
narrow win, Sean is now tied for the league’s best record, and the division lead. He
plays Bach, his fellow 4-1 divisional opponent to decide the division’s sole leader
this week. Despite his greatest efforts, he just couldn’t get Donald to start a kicker,
and for that, he was awarded by the fantasy gods (which are very very real) with a
win. And for that insane level of competitor’sr’s good will, I grant Sean, the first
Sportsmanship award of the year, Click link below if not on laptop ESPN to see the
award):
https://i.imgur.com/H6yrT3o.jpg

1 Team 3/5 - Evan (-)

And remaining at #1, for the THIRD straight week, is the big, black keg himself, Evan
Ceballos. With a core three of Big Ben, Zeke and Adam Thielen, it’s gonna be hard
for this man to not keep winning. BUT, I’m trying my best, with trading Ajayi and
him tearing his ACL this week, MAYBE, just MAYBE, we will start to see some weak
spots from 3/5.

And that concludes the week 5 power rankings. Peace, love, and donuts, everybody.