Concur Leadership Development

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11 - Composure
Level 5 Leadership Alignment: Demonstration of Confidence
That is the happiest conversation where there is no competition, no vanity, but a calm, quiet
interchange of sentiments. Samuel Johnson 18th century English writer
Unskilled
Gets rattled and loses cool under pressure and stress
May blow up, say things he/she shouldn't
Gets easily overwhelmed and becomes emotional, defensive or withdrawn
May be defensive and sensitive to criticism
May be cynical or moody
May be knocked off balance by surprises and get easily rattled
May contribute to others losing composure or being unsettled
May let anger, frustration and anxiety show
Select one to three of the competencies listed below to use as a substitute for this competency
if you decide not to work on it directly.
SUBSTITUTES: 2, 3, 8, 12, 26, 33, 37, 41, 43, 44, 48, 57
Skilled
Is cool under pressure
Does not become defensive or irritated when times are tough
Is considered mature
Can be counted on to hold things together during tough times
Can handle stress
Is not knocked off balance by the unexpected
Doesn't show frustration when resisted or blocked
Is a settling influence in a crisis
Overused Skill
May not show appropriate emotion
May be seen as cold and uncaring
May seem flat in situations where others show feelings
May be easily misinterpreted
May not be able to relate well to those whose actions and decisions are based more on
feelings than on thinking
Select one to three competencies listed below to work on to compensate for an overuse of this
competency.
COMPENSATORS: 3, 10, 14, 26, 27, 31, 44, 60, 66
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Concur Leadership Development

11 - Composure, Continued
Some Causes
Defensive
Easily overwhelmed; very emotional
Lack self-confidence
Perfectionist
Sensitive
Too much going on
Very control oriented
Weak impulse control
Leadership Architect Factors and Clusters
This competency is in the Personal and Interpersonal Skills Factor (VI). This competency is in
the Being Open and Receptive Cluster (S) with: 26, 33, 41, 44. You may want to check other
competencies in the same Factor/Cluster for related tips.
The Map
First about emotions. Emotions are electricity and chemistry. Emotions are designed to help
you cope with emergencies and threats. Emotions trigger predictable body changes. Heart
pumps faster and with greater pressure. Blood flows faster. Glucose is released into the
bloodstream for increased energy and strength. Eyes dilate to take in more light. Breathing
rate increases to get more oxygen. Why is that? To either fight or flee from saber-toothed
tigers, of course. Emotions are designed to help us with the so-called fight or flight response.
It makes the body faster and stronger temporarily. The price? In order to increase energy to
the muscles, the emotional response decreases resources for the stomach (that's why we get
upset stomachs under stress) and the thinking brain (that's why we say and do dumb things
under stress). Even though we might be able to lift a heavy object off a trapped person, we
can't think of the right thing to say in a tense meeting. Once the emotional response is
triggered, it has to run its course. If no threat follows the initial trigger, it lasts from 45-60
seconds in most people. That's why your grandmother told you to count to 10. Trouble is,
people have saber-toothed tigers in their heads. In modern times, thoughts can trigger this
emotional response. Events which are certainly not physically threatening, like being criticized,
can trigger the response. Even worse, today people have added a third "f" to the fight or flight
responsefreeze. Emotions can shut you down and leave you speechless, neither choosing
to fight (argue, respond) or flee (calmly shut down the transaction and exit). You'll have to fight
these reactions to learn to be cool under pressure.
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Concur Leadership Development

11 - Composure, Continued
Some Remedies
Do you know what sets you off? Identify your trigger points. Write down the last 25 times
you lost your composure. Most people who have composure problems have three to five
repeating triggers. Criticism. Loss of control. A certain kind of person. An enemy. Being
surprised. Spouse. Children. Money. Authority. Angry at yourself because you cant say
no? Try to group 90% of the events into three to five categories. Once you have the
groupings, ask yourself why these are a problem. Is it ego? Losing face? Being caught
short? Being found out? Causing you more work? In each grouping, what would be a more
mature response? Mentally and physically rehearse a better response. Try to decrease by
10% a month the number of times you lose your composure.
No filter? Increase your impulse control. People say and do inappropriate things when
they lose their composure. The problem is that they say or do the first thing that occurs to
them. Research shows that generally somewhere between the second and third thing you
think of to say or do is the best option. Practice holding back your first response long
enough to think of a second. When you can do that, wait long enough to think of a third
before you choose. By that time 50% of your composure problems should go away.
Need to regain composure? Count to 10. Our thinking and judgment are not at their best
during the emotional response. Create and practice delaying tactics. Go get a pencil out of
your briefcase. Go get a cup of coffee. Ask a question and listen. Go up to the flip chart and
write something. Take notes. See yourself in a setting you find calming. Go to the
bathroom. You need about a minute to regain your composure after the emotional
response is triggered. Dont do or say anything until the minute has passed.
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Concur Leadership Development

11 - Composure, Continued
Some Remedies
Impatient? Delay gratification. Are you impatient? Do you get upset when the plane is
delayed? The food is late? The car isnt ready? Your spouse is behind schedule? For most
of us, life is one big delay. We always seem to be waiting for someone else to do
something so we can do our something. People with composure problems often cant
accept delay of what they want, and think they deserve and have coming. When what they
want is delayed, they get belligerent and demanding. Write down the last 25 delays that set
you off. Group them into three to five categories. Create and rehearse a more mature
response. Relax. Reward yourself with something enjoyable. Adopt a philosophical stance
since theres little or nothing you can do about it. Think great thoughts while youre waiting.
Force a smile or find something to laugh about. More help? See #41 Patience.
Defensive? Deal constructively with criticism. A lot of loss of composure starts with an
intended or even an unintended criticism. There are a lot of perfect people in this world who
cannot deal with a piece of negative information about themselves or about something they
have or have not done. The rest of us have flaws that most around us know about and
once in a while tell us about. We even know that once in a while unjust criticism is sent our
way. Dealing constructively with criticism is a learnable skill. Learn to be an observer of
defensiveness and anger around you. Many people with these problems have many
shoulds, musts, and commandments about the behavior of others. More help? See #108
Defensiveness.
Too controlling? Loosen your grip. Are you somewhat of a perfectionist? Need to have
everything just so? Create plans and expect them to be followed? Very jealous of your
time? Another source of loss of composure is when things do not go exactly as planned.
Put slack in your plans. Expect the unexpected. Lengthen the time line. Plan for delays. List
worst-case scenarios. Most of the time you will be pleasantly surprised and the rest of the
time you wont get so upset.
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COPYRIGHT1996 2008 LOMINGER INTERNATIONAL: A KORN/FERRY COMPANY. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED

Concur Leadership Development

11 - Composure, Continued
Some Remedies
Feel a need to retaliate? Dont make it personal. Do you feel a need to punish the people
and groups that set you off? Do you become hostile, angry, sarcastic or vengeful? While all
that may be temporarily satisfying to you, they will all backfire and you will lose in the long
term. When someone attacks you, rephrase it as an attack on a problem. Reverse the
argumentask what they would do if they were in your shoes. When the other side takes a
rigid position, dont reject it. Ask whywhat are the principles behind the offer, how do we
know its fair, whats the theory of the case. Play out what would happen if their position
was accepted. Let the other side vent frustration, blow off steam, but dont react.
Losing perspective? Be objective. When you do reply to an attack, keep it to the facts and
their impact on you. Its fine for you to draw conclusions about the impact on yourself (I felt
blindsided.). Its not fine for you to tell others their motives (You blindsided me means
you did it, probably meant to, and I know the meaning of your behavior). So state the
meaning for yourself; ask others what their actions meant.
Getting anxious and jumping to conclusions? Be deliberate. Take quick action? Dont
like ambiguity and uncertainty and act to wipe it out? Solutions first, understanding second?
Take the time to really define the problem. Let people finish. Try not to interrupt. Dont
finish others sentences. Ask clarifying questions. Restate the problem in your own words
to everyones satisfaction. Ask them what they think. Throw out trial solutions for debate.
Then decide.
Some Remedies
Too much invested at work? Exercise for stress relief. Find a release for your pent-up
emotions. Get a physical hobby. Start an exercise routine. Jog. Walk. Chop wood.
Sometimes people who have flair tempers hold it in too much, the pressure builds, and the
teakettle blows. The body stores energy. It has to go somewhere. Work on releasing your
work frustration off-work.
Letting it build up? Monitor your internal pressure gauge. Maybe your fuse is too long.
You may wait and wait, let the pressure build, keep your concerns to yourself, then explode
as a pressure release. Write down what youre concerned about, then talk about the issues
with confidantes and coworkers before you blow up. If the pressure interferes with your
thought processes at work (youre supposed to be listening, but youre fretting instead),
pick a time to worry. Say to yourself, Ill write this down, then think about it on the way
home. Train yourself to stay in the present.
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COPYRIGHT1996 2008 LOMINGER INTERNATIONAL: A KORN/FERRY COMPANY. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED

Concur Leadership Development

11 - Composure, Continued
Some Development in Place Assignments
Make peace with an enemy or someone youve disappointed with a product or service or
someone youve had some trouble with or dont get along with very well.
Manage a group through a significant business crisis.
Handle a tough negotiation with an internal or external client or customer.
Manage the assigning/allocating of office space in a contested situation.
Manage a dissatisfied internal or external customer; troubleshoot a performance or quality
problem with a product or service.
Every great player has learned the two Cs: How to concentrate and how to maintain
composure.
Byron Nelson American golfing legend
Suggested Readings
Bradberry, T., & Greaves, J. (2005). The emotional intelligence quick book: Everything you
need to know to put your EQ to work. New York: Fireside.
Carter, L. (2003). The anger trap: Free yourself from the frustrations that sabotage your life.
New York: John Wiley & Sons.
Davies, W. (2001). Overcoming anger and irritability. New York: New York University Press.
Dinnocenzo, D. A., & Swegan, R. B. (2001). Dot calm: The search for sanity in a wired world.
San Francisco: Berrett-Koehler Publishers.
Ellis, A. (2000). How to control your anxiety before it controls you. New York: Citadel Press.
Forni, P. M. (2002). Choosing civility: The twenty-five rules of considerate conduct. New York:
St. Martins Press.
Gibson, D., & Tulgan, B. (2002). Managing anger in the workplace. Amherst, MA: HRD Press.
Gonthier, G., & Morrissey, K. (2002). Rude awakenings: Overcoming the civility crisis in the
workplace. Chicago: Dearborn Trade.
Lerner, H. (2002). The dance of connection: How to talk to someone when youre mad, hurt,
scared, frustrated, insulted, betrayed, or desperate. New York: Quill/HarperCollins.
Lord, R. G., Klimoski, R. J., & Kanfer, R. (Eds.). (2002). Emotions in the workplace:
Understanding the structure and role of emotions in organizational behavior. San Francisco:
Jossey-Bass.
Losyk, B. (2004). Get a grip! Overcoming stress and thriving in the workplace. Hoboken, NJ:
John Wiley & Sons.
Maravelas, A. (2005). How to reduce workplace conflict and stress: How leaders and their
employees can protect their sanity and productivity from tension and turf wars. Franklin Lakes,
NJ: Career Press.
Rogers, P., & McKay, M. (2000). The anger control workbook. Oakland, CA: New Harbinger
Publications.
Semmelroth, C., & Smith, D. E. P. (2000). The anger habit. Lincoln, NE: Writers Showcase
Press.

COPYRIGHT1996 2008 LOMINGER INTERNATIONAL: A KORN/FERRY COMPANY. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED