Table of Contents

Copyright
Dedication
Contents
Introduction
Part One: The Essentials
Chapter 1: Add Heart to Your Writing One Message at a Time
Chapter 2: Protect Your Relationships by Avoiding Bad Email Behaviors
Part Two: The Opportunities Powerful Messages That Often Get Overlooked
Chapter 3: Write Mighty Thank-Yous
Chapter 4: Give Positive, Powerful Feedback
Chapter 5: Send Congratulations to Warm Hearts and Build Relationships
Chapter 6: Convey Condolences to Connect With Others
Chapter 7: Personal Introductions: Pave the Way to New Relationships
Chapter 8: In Your Job Search: Write Messages That Build Relationships and Create
Opportunities
Chapter 9: Send Meaningful Christmas, Chanukah, and New Years Greetings
Part Three: The Challenges Messages That Can Make (or Break) Relationships
Chapter 10: Write Apologies to Mend Fences and Support Relationships
Chapter 11: Share Bad News Without Fostering Bad Feelings
Chapter 12: Say No Clearly and Courageously
Chapter 13: Disagree With Discretion, Not Destruction
Chapter 14: Remind People Without Nagging or Whining
Chapter 15: Deal With Anger (Yours and Theirs) to Preserve Relationships or End
Them Well
Chapter 16: Share Constructive Feedback to Improve Performance and Relationships
Chapter 17: Communicate Around the Globe With Courtesy and Wisdom
Part Four: Take Action
Chapter 18: Create Your Action Plan for Building Relationships One Message at a Time
For Your Reference
Recommended Resources: Learn More About Building Relationships
Ways to Render Names and Titles in Greetings and on Envelopes
Greetings (Salutations) for Letters, Notes, Emails, and Text Messages
Complimentary Closes (Sign-Offs) for Letters, Notes, Emails, and Texts
Acknowledgments
About the Author

Copyrighted Material
Business Writing With Heart: How to Build Great Work Relationships One Message at a Time
Copyright 2014 by Lynn Gaertner-Johnston. All rights reserved.
No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted, in any form or by any means
electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise without prior written permission from the publisher,
except for the inclusion of brief quotations in a review.
For information about this title or to order other books and/or electronic media, contact the publisher:
Syntax Training LLC
7332 16th Avenue NW, Seattle, Washington 98117-5415
www.syntaxtraining.com
[email protected]
Library of Congress Control Number: 2013952284
ISBNs:
978-0-9778679-0-5 (print)
978-0-9778679-1-2 (eBooks)
Printed in the United States of America

To my parents, Ed and Louise Gaertner, who live on in my heart

Contents
Introduction
PART ONE: The Essentials
CHAPTER 1: Add Heart to Your Writing One Message at a Time
CHAPTER 2: Protect Your Relationships by Avoiding Bad Email Behaviors

PART TWO: The Opportunities Powerful Messages That Often Get

Overlooked
CHAPTER 3: Write Mighty Thank-Yous
CHAPTER 4: Give Positive, Powerful Feedback
CHAPTER 5: Send Congratulations to Warm Hearts and Build Relationships
CHAPTER 6: Convey Condolences to Connect With Others
CHAPTER 7: Personal Introductions: Pave the Way to New Relationships
CHAPTER 8: In Your Job Search: Write Messages That Build Relationships and
Create Opportunities
CHAPTER 9: Send Meaningful Christmas, Chanukah, and New Years Greetings

PART THREE: The Challenges Messages That Can Make (or Break)
Relationships
CHAPTER 10: Write Apologies to Mend Fences and Support Relationships
CHAPTER 11: Share Bad News Without Fostering Bad Feelings
CHAPTER 12: Say No Clearly and Courageously
CHAPTER 13: Disagree With Discretion, Not Destruction
CHAPTER 14: Remind People Without Nagging or Whining
CHAPTER 15: Deal With Anger (Yours and Theirs) to Preserve Relationships or
End Them Well
CHAPTER 16: Share Constructive Feedback to Improve Performance and
Relationships
CHAPTER 17: Communicate Around the Globe With Courtesy and Wisdom

PART FOUR: Take Action

CHAPTER 18: Create Your Action Plan for Building Relationships One Message at a
Time

For Your Reference

Recommended Resources: Learn More About Building Relationships
Ways to Render Names and Titles in Greetings and on Envelopes
Greetings (Salutations) for Letters, Notes, Emails, and Text Messages
7

Complimentary Closes (Sign-Offs) for Letters, Notes, Emails, and Texts

Acknowledgments
About the Author

Introduction
When you think of establishing business relationships, what comes to mind? Perhaps you
imagine schmoozing at trade shows and conferences or listening attentively to new clients.
Maybe you see yourself shaking hands with new employees during their first-day tour or
smiling at them in videoconferences. If your business is strictly online, perhaps you
envision uploading new-customer offers on your home page. Those are a few easy steps in
initiating relationships.

But once begun, the challenge is building and maintaining those bonds. How do you
maintain individual relationships with coworkers, employees, customers, industry peers,
donors, board members, citizens, and others? How do you protect professional
relationships from fading due to lack of attention or cracking under fast-paced, highpressured communication? How can you cultivate relationships to support your success
and gain a competitive advantage?
The answer to those questions is the promise of this book: You can build and
maintain great work relationships one message at a time, by writing with heart that is,
with respect and positive intent, using language that makes those feelings clear.
More than ever before, writing is the lifeblood of business relationships. If you are like
most professionals, you email or text more than you talk on the phone or meet in person.
You may have long-distance relationships with people you never meet and rarely speak to,
although you write to one another regularly. You may email or IM (instant message)
people who work in the next building (or even the next cubicle), rather than walk over to
talk with them. Even if you do meet with colleagues, customers, and clients, written
messages are likely to keep you connected between meetings.
With this focus on writing comes much risk to relationships. Its very easy to derail
work relationships by what we say and how we say it. Hastily written messages, cryptic
brevity, clumsy wording, boilerplate language even punctuation can unintentionally
send the wrong message. After all, readers cant see your sincerity and good intentions on
the page or screen. And as a writer, you unfortunately cant see their puzzled or frowning
9

faces to instantly fix the situation.

Applying the lessons of this book, you will be able to minimize writing risks and
protect your professional relationships. You will not come across like a soulless suit, a
beleaguered or bullying bureaucrat, a self-effacing shadow, a saccharine adolescent, or a
[fill in the blank with your fear about undermining your relationships]. Instead, you will be
able to communicate authentically and considerately with people in writing, even in
awkward and challenging situations.
Business Writing With Heart is for you if you want to build and sustain your business
relationships while meeting the challenges of high-speed, high-demand communication. It
shows you how to write relationship-building messages rather than relationship-neutral
ones. It gives you concrete tips and examples to help you in your work in any industry,
from high tech to nonprofits, from manufacturing to government, from finance to consulting
to education.
No matter what your job is, if your work involves relationships and the communication
challenges that flow naturally from them, this book helps you meet those challenges.
Whether you are a corporate communications specialist, an administrative assistant, a vice
president, a human resources manager, a sales or customer-service rep, a team leader, a
teacher, a contractor, a consultant, an entrepreneur, or another type of professional, you
will find the right words and messages in this book to create win-win communications. If
you dont have a job because you are self-employed or between positions, Business
Writing With Heart helps you connect with people in positive, natural ways that lead to
sales, contracts, interviews, and job opportunities.
With clear sample messages, before-and-after examples, easy-to-apply dos,
emphatic donts, and memorable stories, Business Writing With Heart helps you:
Add heart to your messages so they intentionally nurture rather than unintentionally
ruin your relationships.
Send brief messages that come across as efficient yet friendly not brusque and
thoughtless.
Cultivate relationships with thank-yous, congratulations, positive feedback, and
condolences that sound sincere instead of smarmy.
Avoid unconscious email habits that injure and end relationships.
Choose the perfect words and tone to communicate bad news without fostering bad
feelings.
Disagree without destroying initiative and damaging relationships.
Give constructive feedback to improve performance and reinforce relationships
rather than make everyone feel embarrassed and defensive.
Stay connected during your job search without feeling like a bother.
Say no clearly, courageously, and courteously, without guilt or foot-dragging.
Apologize in a way that redeems a situation and makes everyone feel better.
Deal diplomatically with angry messages and transform your own anger rather than
enlist in a verbal war.
10

Choose warm yet professional ways to begin and end your letters and emails. (Hint:
You dont need to use !!!! and xxoo.)
Send holiday messages that strengthen your business relationships rather than spam
your contacts.
Write quick, thoughtful messages that introduce others, enhancing your network and
expanding theirs.
Build productive, respectful partnerships not strained, unsettling relationships
with associates around the globe.
People around the world inspired me to write this book. They asked thorny questions on
my blog, such as How do I deal with a peer who criticizes me in an email and copies
other people? They brought their people issues to my business writing classes, things like
Should I refer to my female coworkers as ladies, women, or girls? They emailed me in
search of solutions to relationship challenges and opportunities at work, for instance,
What can I do to develop real relationships with people I meet at professional
conferences? Business Writing With Heart offers something for all of them and for
you.
Follow this roadmap for ways to build your business relationships and solve
communication problems that threaten them:
1. Read Part One, The Essentials. It gives you immediate writing tools and tips that
reinforce relationships and reduce misunderstandings. It also cautions you about the
huge relationship dangers that lurk in email for unsuspecting users.
2. Dive into one or more chapters in Part Two, The Opportunities. The often
overlooked messages covered in these chapters can jump-start and supercharge your
relationships. Just follow the expert guidelines. Your personal introductions, thankyous, congratulations, condolences, positive feedback, and holiday greetings will
immediately take your relationships to the next level. In a job search, your updates
and other networking messages will open doors you had not anticipated.
3. Review Part Three, The Challenges, when you face a communication problem.
Whether you are challenged with offering an apology, sharing bad news, saying no to
a request, disagreeing, reminding someone, dealing with anger (perhaps your own),
giving constructive feedback, or communicating with people from other cultures,
these chapters give you specific examples and advice to meet the challenge and
preserve your relationships.
4. Create an action plan and deepen your understanding in Part Four, Take Action.
This section helps you develop an action plan to make relationship-building
messages part of your routine, no matter what your profession is.
5. Use For Your Reference when you need more information. Review
Recommended Resources when you want to learn more about building and nurturing
your work relationships and dealing with relationship difficulties. Use the other
11

reference sections for answers to your questions about rendering names and titles in
greetings and on envelopes. You can also find suitable greetings and closes for all
your messages, even for complicated situations.
The content of Business Writing With Heart helps you with spoken communication too.
Although its focus is written messages, the book also provides you with the right words to
use in many challenging interpersonal situations such as saying no, disagreeing, dealing
with anger and insults, and sharing constructive feedback. It compares effective and
ineffective wording, and it gives you neutral I statements to replace you statements that
can layer a message with blame and attack. It helps you recognize that words like sweetie
and hon can change a communication from friendly to hostile, even when you have good
intentions. It includes practical lessons you can apply in all aspects of your life.
Business Writing With Heart does not cover the topics of writing clearly, concisely,
and correctly. It doesnt cover grammar, usage, or punctuation. Although those topics are
essential to your success as a writer, this guide focuses on writing with a respectful,
positive intent and using tools to communicate that intent unerringly.
Many of the communication principles and methods I advocate in Business Writing
With Heart apply around the globe. However, most of my experience has been in building
business relationships with people in the United States and Canada by writing with heart.
How I Learned About Writing With Heart
Over 20 years ago, I began working as a career counselor with a large outplacement firm.
My job was to help people bounce back from a job layoff, hone their job-search skills,
and find a new career or position. It included helping them to improve their cover letters
and resumes. Maybe because I was new to this work and was coaching people at a higher
job level than mine managers, directors, and vice presidents I was trying hard to
prove myself. To show that I knew what I was doing, I made extensive written comments
on what needed to change in clients resumes and letters, from punctuation to sentence
length to content. Then somewhere on the page, I would jot a positive but general remark
like Good job.
My barrage of constructive comments was not intentionally heartless. But as I wrote
suggestions and corrections, I was oblivious to the damage they could do to newly out-ofwork executives.
I soon recognized that something was wrong with my approach. I noticed that clients
would blanch when they saw the annotated pages I pulled out of their folders. I observed
that they would appear resigned and deflated. And it was obvious that I was doing
something wrong when executives would argue with seemingly every point I made.
I quickly tried new strategies, many of which appear in this book. Sometimes I balanced
my positive and constructive comments, making sure that both were specific. At other
times, I wrote only positive comments on resumes and talked through those points one by
one. Then I would use supportive language, such as, Lets make sure every entry here
presents you as positively as possible, to talk the client through the areas to improve.
Sometimes I wrote no comments at all (although I had made private notes to myself), and
the client and I would review the resume or letter line by line together, citing both what
12

was strong and what needed additional oomph. When I added or changed punctuation, I
described it as helping the reader get the point quickly rather than as correcting a
punctuation error.
My new ways of communicating led to much better results and excellent relationships
with clients, whose responses to my feedback were markedly more positive. They sat up
straight, and they were animated, engaged in the process, and receptive to feedback. They
sought my opinion on a letter rather than bracing to learn my reaction to it. When they
incorporated my suggestions in a revision, they admired their handiwork rather than
begrudgingly admitting it might be better than the original. They began to seek my input on
thank-you letters and ways to handle difficult interview questions, and they talked with me
about their interview hits and misses. They saw me as a trusted partner in their job search
rather than as a know-it-all taskmaster.
I learned a valuable lesson about writing and oral communication at the outplacement
firm: If you communicate with care and attention to the feelings of the other person not
just to your own short-term goal or the task at hand your relationships will be more
successful, productive, and satisfying. Since then, I have applied, refined, and expanded
the lesson I learned in my work with outplacement clients. I have continued to be sure that
what I write (or choose to talk about rather than put in writing) communicates with
respect, warmth, and tact. I have learned to write in a way that creates partnerships with
others so that I achieve results with people who feel supported rather than in spite of
people who feel undermined. Being in business as a consultant has required those
communication skills, and I am happy to say that the lessons I have learned have helped
my business thrive. This book shares those lessons.
My experience suggests that writing with heart yields a positive return on investment
(ROI). I believe that communicating with heart leads to new clients, repeat customers,
referrals, partnerships, jobs, contracts, and other satisfying business dealings. However, if
you would prefer evidence of ROI that is more tangible, consider these hypothetical
situations. They deal solely with the investment of time, but you can imagine the
investment of other resources.

13

Writing with heart does require investing time, normally just a few moments or minutes
per message. However, that investment saves huge amounts of time, effort, and money that
are otherwise required to salvage situations that have suffered because of insensitive
communication or no communication at all. But regardless of the savings and other
14

quantifiable benefits, perhaps you, like me, will simply feel great connecting with others
in ways that are positive, respectful, and diplomatic.
Even with the ROI scenarios, you may feel doubtful about the heart and relationship
focus of this book. Lets look at some of your possible reservations.
I am here to work not to develop relationships.
Effective work relationships help you get your work done, whether you work in a corner
office, a cubicle, your car, or your basement. According to social network theorist Karen
Stephenson, our informal work relationships are just as important as our dotted-lined
reporting relationships at work. In her essay Trafficking in Trust: The Art and Science of
Human Knowledge Networks, Stephenson wrote, Knowledge ebbs and flows down
hallways, in meetings, and in private conversations inside and outside the office. The key
to the way that knowledge travels lies in the relationships that can bypass the standard
organization chart. Relationships are the true medium of knowledge exchange, and trust
is the glue that holds them together. I believe Stephensons theory applies not only to
employees, but also to consultants, contractors, and others who work on the fringes of
companies, and those who work outside organizations. Relationships help. Applying the
writing tips and principles in this book helps you build trust and develop valuable work
relationships.
I dont want to be a Pollyanna.
Writing with heart does not require that you be unreasonably or foolishly optimistic, if
thats what Pollyanna means to you. It just requires that you communicate with respect
and positive intent. When I adjusted my critiques of client resumes and letters at the
outplacement firm, I was not a Pollyanna. I simply got better results and developed much
better relationships using a balanced approach than a negative one. Is it possible that your
results and work relationships would improve if you communicated differently?
This is just a part-time, temporary job, so positive relationships dont matter to me.
Im just passing through.
All of us are just passing through in one way or another. I worked part-time at the
outplacement firm for five years while I developed my business as a trainer and writing
consultant, and I worked with most of the clients there for just a few days, weeks, or
months. Yet a client with whom I worked briefly on his job-search documents recently
referred me to the training manager at the energy company where he now works, and I am
teaching writing classes there 20 years after he and I worked together. If I had regarded
myself or my outplacement clients as just passing through and had not taken the time to
communicate supportively with them, I would not be enjoying the benefits of long-lasting
relationships.
I work alone. I dont think I need to be concerned about relationships.
You work alone, but do you ever need to rely on other people? Do you ever need a job
reference, some quick advice, an introduction to someone, or a bit of information that just
one person has? If your answer is yes, work relationships matter to you.
15

I dont want to coddle people. Theyre adults. Why cant I just tell it like it is?
Heres the problem with telling it like it is: If it only includes the negative stuff, people
will not listen, as I learned. They will resist, argue, and produce less. If you were giving
an employee written feedback on a sales call, for example, even if the employee handled
the call badly, she would need to know what she did right as well as what she did wrong.
If you focused on only the negative, you would come across as biased and condescending.
Why would anyone pay attention to a biased, condescending boss or coworker? As Rick
Maurer wrote in Feedback Toolkit: 16 Tools for Better Communication in the
Workplace, Dont inflict feedback. Once you exceed what others can handle you
risk never meeting your goals.
Communicating with heart seems phony.
What is phony about communicating respectfully and positively? If you dont feel
respectful and positive toward people with whom you work, why not act as though you
do? That is not phoniness it is a sincere effort to succeed on the job. Otherwise, your
feelings will function as barricades to your success.
Our company culture is to win at all costs. Relationships? We take no prisoners.
Your company may fight to win contracts, cases, clients, and talented employees. But we
live in a small world tomorrow your competitors may be your clients, and your
adversaries may be your partners. Winning those clients and partners requires that you
have communicated and continue to communicate with professionalism, courtesy,
and a positive attitude.
I am not a good writer. How can I possibly worry about another thing?
Not to worry! You will find dozens of effective relationship-building messages throughout
this book. You can easily adapt those models to your situations. You will also find lists of
helpful and harmful expressions to help you choose the right approach to solve many
communication problems. And you will have at your fingertips plenty of phrases that
transform unintentionally harsh comments into remarks that build goodwill.
We always razz each other. We wouldnt recognize one another if we were nice!
Communicating with heart is not about being nice. Its about being strategic. It involves
intentionally supporting work relationships rather than weakening them. Give it a chance.
Spend a week communicating respectfully and positively with one another in writing and
in your spoken interactions. Then look for differences in peoples performance and
attitudes. Especially notice people who are new to your group, on the fringes rather than
part of the in-crowd, typically the target of the razzing, or in a minority of one kind or
another among the group members (gender, race, age, etc.). You may recognize new
confidence, participation, and enthusiasm when you limit the teasing and instead focus on
supporting and building up your coworkers.
This takes too much time. I am maxed out as it is.
Consider the alternatives. Would you rather invest the minutes upfront to communicate
16

with care and courtesy? Or would you prefer to take hours, days, and weeks later on to
resolve conflicts, repair relationships, win back clients, replace staff, and so on?
I need to communicate efficiently. This approach seems complicated.
I show you how to make communicating with heart very efficient, with simple language
and small, specific shifts in your writing. Once you get the hang of it, it will take little
effort for you to communicate with balance rather than harshness, and sensitivity rather
than indifference. This book helps you make relationship-building choices that solve
problems rather than create them.
Wont I be walked on if I come across as nice?
Communicating with heart does not involve being a doormat. It does not mean you will let
people walk on you to get where they are going. Writing with heart involves treating
others and yourself with respect and positive intent to build relationships and get
results. It means being smarter about the power of your words. Adding heart to your
writing is an advantage, not a risk or a weakness. It helps you communicate politely and
powerfully.
The positive results of writing with heart increase over time. Since beginning my blog,
Business Writing, in 2005, I have earned thousands of fans around the globe who have
come to value my thoughtful, relationship-building commentary on business
communication. In many years of self-employment, I have developed a long list of repeat
clients who think immediately of me when they need to develop better business writers on
the job. Why? Because through the emails, letters, referrals, reminders, thank-yous,
condolences, congratulations, and holiday greetings they have received from me, they have
come to know me well as a reliable, caring business partner.
About the Details
Throughout the book, you will find examples of relationship-building messages, many that
I wrote and some that others contributed. For messages that I wrote as examples, I made
up names for the recipients and the senders. If the made-up names match those of real
people, the match is coincidental. For messages that others wrote and contributed, I
identified the writers by name with their permission. Rather than identify certain
companies and organizations, I have used fictional names such as ABC Association,
LMNOP Inc., and XYZ Company. These names do not refer to any real alphabet-named
organizations.
The examples show a variety of ways to format, begin, and end your messages. For
guidelines on greetings and closes and rendering peoples names, consult the sections on
those topics under For Your Reference.
The survey on business writing and relationships, cited throughout the book, included
the input of 686 adults working in the United States, most of whom subscribe to my
monthly e-newsletter, Better Writing at Work, or read my blog, Business Writing
(www.businesswritingblog.com).
Each chapter ends with a brief Personal Reflection and Next Step suggestion. They are
intended to be painless, practical applications of the chapter content. Use these to move
17

forward, solving communication problems and enhancing your work relationships, one
quick step at a time.
Keep in Touch!
I look forward to hearing your stories about how writing with heart has helped you solve
problems and nurture rewarding business relationships. Write to me at
[email protected].

18

19

CHAPTER 1

Add Heart to Your Writing One Message at a

Time
I teach business writing to people at all levels in organizations, from vice presidents to
mechanics, from auditors to security officers. When security managers and officers attend
classes, they stand out not just for their calm, commanding presence but also for the
way they communicate. They write and say things like:
Request denied.
Negative.
Cut the fluff. I want the facts.
They dont have to like it. They just have to do it.
When I suggest a more positive approach, they often announce, Im ex-military. This is
the way we communicate. If another ex-military individual is in the room, that person
nods agreement.
When ex-military individuals communicate with others like them, pronouncements like
Request denied are likely to be clear, effective, and familiar. But when these
individuals communicate beyond their group for instance, to the assistant in accounting
or the intern in public relations Request denied comes across as brusque and
machinelike not a communication that builds relationships.
Like the military veterans who attend my writing classes, you may say at one time or
another, This is the way I communicate. But is your way effective? Does it build
relationships? Bring in business? Develop new employees? Inspire commitment?
Does it have heart?
My guess is that if you are reading this chapter, you have acknowledged a need to
improve the way you communicate. Maybe you have been told you need to change your
tone, or you want to help others make changes. You have already moved from This is the
way I communicate to How can I communicate better to build business relationships?
Luckily, for those who want to be better at building relationships through writing, the
process of adding heart to your writing is not difficult, as this chapter reveals. The process
involves using positive, relationship-building language; having positive intent; and
warming up messages so they dont sound abrupt or bureaucratic.
Use Positive, Relationship-Building Language
A first step is to use words that make others feel acknowledged, understood, respected,
and valued. Once you start thinking about positive language, it is easy to recognize it. In
each of these pairs, which sentence builds relationships?

20

You cant use the conference room until my meeting ends.

As soon as we wrap up the meeting, the room is yours.
What could make this decision more workable for you?
I dont care if you like it. Make it work.
You are a day late for the special promotional pricing. Sorry.
I will review our pricing to make sure you are getting the best price
possible.
The relationship-damaging sentences are obvious when you pay attention to them. You
cant use the conference room focuses on what you cant do until my meeting ends.
(Its all about me, right?) I dont care if you like it says I dont care about you. You
are a day late says Loser!
Each of the other sentences in the pairs supports the business relationship by
communicating positively and indicating that the reader is important. The sentences say or
imply The room is yours, This decision can be more workable for you, and You are
getting the best price possible.
The table of Relationship-Busting Statements vs. Relationship-Building Statements
provides more comparisons. The relationship-busting statements use negative words and
phrases: no, cut, crap, complaining, wait, cannot, problems, confusion, misunderstood,
and a lot to be desired.
The relationship-building sentences focus on the positive with these words: yes, wish,
possible, lets, thank you, sharing, be glad to, first thing, your concerns, just, like to,
opportunity, let you know, clarify, creative, fresh, ways to strengthen, and support.
An easy first step to creating a relationship-building message is to eliminate words with
negative connotations. Whenever possible, cut negative words and phrases such as these:

21

Use positive words to create a positive feeling, even when conveying bad news. This
approach is akin to the sandwich method, which involves communicating the bad-news
meat of the message between two positive layers. When used sincerely (not sarcastically),
positive language expresses your positive intent like a handshake and a smile.
Maintain strong business relationships by adding these positive words to your
messages:

22

Have a Positive Intent

Positive words make a big difference in the tone of a message. But they arent everything.
As a writer, you also have to have positive intent, the desire to communicate positively
with your customer, vendor, employee, manager, member, client, patient, or other reader.
I received this brief message from someone I will call Amelia, who unsubscribed from
my free e-newsletter: I teach a professional writing class at work, and I thought this
newsletter would give me additional tips or writing skills we were not already teaching. It
didnt. Do you think Amelia had positive intent? Was her desire to communicate
positively with me, a stranger and fellow writing teacher?
Consider these situations: Imagine you were out shopping in a boutique. If you did not
find anything you wanted to purchase, would you say to the shop owner as you left, I
thought I could find something unique to buy here, but I could not? If you decided not to
eat at a restaurant after reviewing the menu in the entrance, would you say, Sorry.
Nothing sounds good on your menu before you walked away? Of course not!
We cant know what Amelias intent was. She may not have realized that her comment
would come to me, the writer of the newsletter. Nevertheless, I experienced the comment
as a putdown. In the small world of business writing teachers, my potential relationship
with Amelia ended before it could develop.
Compare Amelias comment to one from a reader named Beverly, who also
unsubscribed from the newsletter: Im just trying to reduce the amount of email I get. I
can read Lynns excellent material on her blog. Thanks.
Beverlys positive intent came through in the words excellent and thanks.
Think about your intent, your purpose in writing, before you write. Be sure to consider
your overall, big-picture purpose. For example, imagine you received a request for
information from a customer within your organization or outside it. Your purpose in
replying would be to supply the information requested. But your larger purpose would
probably be to maintain or enhance the relationship and pave the way for future business.
The way you think of your purpose affects the way you write your message. A message
whose purpose is merely to respond to a request has a different approach and feeling from
23

one that is to maintain or enhance the relationship.

Lets say you are responding to an unreasonable complaint. Although your purpose in
writing may be simply to manage the situation, your larger goal is probably to maintain a
good long-term business relationship or at least to protect your companys reputation and
your own.
At all times, strive to focus on the big picture, the higher goal, and the long term when
you write. While it might feel good to put down or get the best of another person in
writing, resist that temptation. You cannot know when having a good relationship with that
person would benefit a current project, your company, or your career.
Let me tell you about a time that I considered my purpose and then wrote a different
message.
I was teaching Business Communications for Leaders in the MBA program at University
of WashingtonBothell. The first assignment, a one-minute self-introduction, was due on
Thursday night. On Thursday morning I started my day with this message in my email
inbox, from Steve Teixeira, a student in the class and a talented communicator:
Hi Lynn,
If its okay with you, Im planning to deviate slightly from the one-minute
introduction assignment tomorrow. I plan to briefly introduce myself and
then deliver a mini-speech on communication. Im trying to challenge
myself to engage and motivate but to also be extremely brief. Ive
rehearsed it down to under a minute as long as I dont flub it.
Steve
I was checking my email while drinking my first cup of tea. Because I was not
completely awake yet, I drafted a response that sounded something like this:
Hi, Steve. The assignment is a one-minute self-introduction so that the
class and I can get to know you. Please do not deviate from that
assignment. You can use the topic of communication for one of the later
assignments.
Lynn
Before I clicked Send, I had the good sense to think about my intent. Was I hoping to
prove a point? No, I didnt think so. Did I want to be sure the class assignments were done
my way, the way I had planned? I wasnt sure. Did I want to frustrate one of the classs
informal leaders by denying his first request? No, that would be disastrous during the first
week of classes. Did I want to stifle creativity? No, definitely not.
Here is the email I sent to Steve after I realized my purpose was to get off to a good
start with the class and to encourage creativity and initiative:
Steve, thanks for asking about your plan. In response, I believe I have an
idea that meets your needs and the expectations of the class.
Do the required 1-minute introduction. Then when everyone is finished, do
24

the introduction you already prepared that challenges you to engage and
motivate. Doing both will satisfy the requirements of the class and your
desire to stretch.
Giving only your hybrid introduction wouldnt meet the expectations or
needs of your audience. The reason is that we want to learn more about
you. And we are expecting and prepared to give you feedback, with
specific criteria, on a one-minute personal introduction.
So I invite you to do both tonight. However, if you want to give a
motivating speech on communication, that would be a perfect topic for next
weeks presentation to inform or explain.
I look forward to being in your audience.
Lynn
Steve gave both presentations in class. When I asked him later how he had felt about my
response to his email, he said that it was fine and made perfect sense to him.
Although the first message I drafted was not a disaster, it wasnt a relationship builder.
It contained no positive, supportive language, and it did not communicate a positive intent.
In contrast, the message I did send communicated appreciation, a solution, an invitation,
and anticipation with words such as thanks, meets your needs, engage and motivate,
satisfy, invite, perfect, and look forward.
I am so happy I woke up enough to recognize my real purpose in writing! I hope you too
will recognize your larger purpose in each message and communicate positively with your
readers. If your experience is like mine, your efforts will lead to near-term positive
outcomes and long-term solid relationships.
Warm Up Your Messages
People who attend business writing classes often tell me they have been accused of being
abrupt in their messages, specifically in their emails. They say their style is to get to the
point, but other people view them as abrupt.
If you have a job or your own business, you work against deadlines. You have to write
quickly, even when the documents and messages are complex and somewhat delicate. It
would not be surprising if you, like the people who attend my writing classes, were to
come across as abrupt at times when you thought you were simply being efficient. This
situation is especially common in email.
Coming across as brusque is a liability when it comes to building relationships.
Perceived gruffness can stretch out the time it takes people to realize that you are a fine
person, just abrupt. When a sensitive message comes across as brusque, it can take hours,
days, or weeks to resolve misunderstandings, heal hurt feelings, and rebuild relationships.
Apply these simple ways to warm up your writing and reduce the risk of seeming
abrupt:
In an email, text message, or note, include a greeting. According to my survey on
25

business writing and relationships, 45 percent of people prefer that the emails they receive
(individual messages, not group emails) include a greeting and their name; 49 percent
dont care. Many respondents commented that an initial email should include a greeting,
but when email becomes a back-and-forth discussion, the greeting can be dropped. I agree
with that view.
Which of these greetings suit you and your messages?
Hello, Tonya.
Hi David.
Good morning, Dr. Bryne.
Greetings, Fran!
Greetings, team.
Dear Brigitte,
Use the persons name in your message. It may seem sufficient to write See you next
week. But when you include the persons name in the sentence (See you next week,
Sidney), you acknowledge him or her as an individual. Its a simple gesture that can
change the feeling from curt to considerate.
Use your own first name. In email, people often use automatic signatures with their
full name. Others use no name at all they just end the message. Whether you use a full
signature or not, type your first name at the end of your message. Using your first name
warms up the message, creating a connection between you and the reader. Note: Another
way to include your first name is through a screenshot of your handwritten first name,
which you can add to your automatic signature block.
Expand on fragments and very short sentences to avoid sounding cold or sarcastic.
Even Thanks or Thanks a lot can sound sarcastic, especially in delicate messages.
Instead, write Thanks for handling this. I really appreciate it. Rather than See me or
We need to talk, write Lets talk soon. Id like to hear your thoughts on this question.
Include words and phrases that communicate warmth and connection. Any message
without positive language can seem cold and abrupt. Use the words and phrases listed
earlier in this chapter for a warmer tone.
Avoid cold, canned language. Some phrases, such as I look forward to meeting you,
may be canned, but they arent cold. Others are canned and cold, for example, Thank you
in advance for your cooperation in this matter. To warm up your messages, write as
though the reader is a friend or valued colleague, with statements like these: I appreciate
your help, Jonas and Thanks so much for considering this request.
Be explicit when you are agreeing with the person. In a quick exchange of messages,
you may be tempted to write a simple sentence repeating what the other person has already
written. But this action may lead your reader to think Thats exactly what I said! To avoid
such a response, write, for example, I agree that Auda is great for the job (rather than
just Auda is great for the job). That way, you avert this response: Did you read what I
26

wrote? I was the one who recommended her!

Read your message aloud exactly as it is on the screen or page without
adding warmth in your voice. Reading aloud helps you recognize how your writing may
sound to others. You may have crisply stated a fact when you wrote Handling the Gordon
account is your responsibility. Reading it aloud, though, you may notice a hint of
criticism or doom that you did not intend. Adding a phrase such as Im very glad, if
appropriate, at the beginning of the sentence may eliminate that hint.
Avoid the words immediately and now when you are writing with a request or
assigning a task. Your reader may have several other immediate jobs, and your request
may seem pushy and unthinking, even if you are the boss or owner. If a task must be done
immediately, phone, text, or email to ask whether the other person is available. Assume
that the other person is as busy as you even busier.
Think of your reader as a friend. Often gruffness is accidental. But sometimes it
comes across because of the writers underlying feeling of resentment or irritation. So
make the reader your friend, at least while you are writing.
In business writing classes, participants sometimes write their case study assignments
to imaginary readers. They creatively write Dear Pain in the Neck and Dear Constant
Complainer. I advise them to try the opposite: Dear Favorite Coworker and Dear
Person Who Pays My Generous Salary. Making that positive shift, changing your reader
to your dear friend or respected associate, helps you glow rather than glower. It helps you
choose language that comes across as warm rather than chilly.
Use exclamation points sparingly. Exclamation points can do a wonderful job of
expressing warmth and enthusiasm. They communicate the voice inflections you would
likely use if you were talking on the phone or meeting in person. Compare these examples:
I appreciate your hard work.
I appreciate your hard work!
Wonderful.
Wonderful!
See you in Vegas.
See you in Vegas!
Thanks, Yvette.
Thanks, Yvette!
Welcome, Sales Team.
Welcome, Sales Team!
The secret to using exclamation points is restraint. If you pile on several exclamation
points in a row (!!!), or use them in every other sentence, you run the risk of coming across
like an adolescent girl, or as Chicago Tribune writer Rex Huppke remarked, an
overcaffeinated glee club.
27

Exclamation points help to build relationships when they express positive emotions, not
rude commands. If you catch yourself typing I need it now! you might want to breathe
slowly and deeply and think again about communicating with positive intent.
Start and end with a smile. Before you click Send or Print, make sure your message
starts and ends positively.
Do Smiley Faces Communicate Heart?
Speaking of smiles, you may have noticed that smiley faces (such as ) did not appear in
my list of ways to warm up a message. I encourage choosing the right words to bring a
smile to a communication.
Nevertheless, I recognize that smiley faces do warm up emails and other online
messages. Thats their whole reason for being. The question is: Do readers use and
approve of them? Below is part of a discussion that took place on my Business Writing
blog.
Margaret Elwood, a technical training supervisor, uses smiley faces purposefully, as
she explained:
I use smiley faces occasionally in internal email messages to clarify and
add warmth to the tone. In our company we have typically great longevity
of employment, and the strength of my relationships with other employees
simply helps me get my job done efficiently and well. While I dont rely on
emoticons, I use them now and then when writing a coworker, because I
think they confirm my friendly tone in case there is any question of it. I also
use them sparingly in response to a message that has used them
liberally, so that my response does not appear unfriendly by contrast.
A reader named Tony voiced a similar view: In a business environment, when
discussing a difficult issue via email, the emoticon conveys that while you may be looking
for resolution to the issue, you are not seriously upset about it. Tony used the example of
reminding an employee who has forgotten to do something: You send them the reminder
to get resolution. You include the smiley face. Without the smiley face or some additional
wording that may be awkward, they might think that you are upset about their
forgetfulness.
John, another reader, disagreed: I believe that the smiley face can mean too many
things. A smiley could mean the writer wants resolution on a point but is not upset, a
phrase was meant to be humorous, an expression of warmth and candor, a clue that
something is meant to be a sarcastic or ironic remark, a magnification of an emotion
expressed in the sentence, or a mark to indicate that a phrase is something for one to
ponder or think about. To me, this is becoming too much for one poor smiley face to do.
I agree with John that the smiley face has been stretched thin with the many expectations
placed upon it. Except in rare, informal situations, I prefer words to the smiley face and
other emoticons. These words express a range of sentiments:

28

Were all of those clear? Yes. Would the smiley face, frowning face, or another
emoticon have been as clear? Probably not.
Regarding the decision to introduce a smiley face or another emoticon in an email, I
offer the suggestion of a woman who attended one of my business writing classes: Dont
use a smiley face in a message to a client or customer until the person uses one in a
message to you. That way you will know the person likes smiley faces too. I recommend
applying that good advice to anyone you need to impress as a professional hiring
managers, CEOs, donors, citizens, patrons, and others.
If you do use smiley faces, use them frugally, never more than one per message. And do
not use a smiley face as a regular sign-off. Heather, who posted to the Business Writing
blog, provided a reason for this guideline: I have a team leader who uses :o) all of the
time, in every single email I have received from her. It loses its meaning if you overuse it
and can often come off as condescending when used during an email discussion or
disagreement.
Does XOXO Communicate Warmth?
XOXO radiates huggy-kissy warmth, which makes its use too intimate for nearly all
business messages. Because the x stands for kisses, the o for hugs, you should use them
only rarely and only with people you kiss and hug when you see them in person or you
would kiss and hug if you had the opportunity to see them. (Talk to your human resources
department before taking such a step!) As I was finishing this book, xs and os in various
combinations were juicily appearing, mostly in womens messages. Citing researchers at
29

Georgia Tech, Carnegie Mellon, and Stanford, authors Jessica Bennett and Rachel
Simmons wrote in The Atlantic, Among Twitter users, 11 percent of women xo in tweets,
compared with only 2.5 percent of men.
For their article Kisses and Hugs in the Office, Bennett and Simmons asked me to
speculate why people added xs and os to their business messages. They captured me
saying, Its much faster to type the four-stroke xxoo than With warm wishes followed
by a comma. True, but dont do it for that reason! Only use xs and os in your messages
to business associates who are very dear friends or becoming dear friends. If your
messages are likely to be forwarded, uploaded, or subpoenaed, stick with Warm
wishes. Do not make xoxo part of your automatic signature, or everyone will be talking
about you not in the way you want.
Is It Possible to Change Your Writing Style?
This chapter began with a reference to military veterans whose style is brusque, probably
through their training and experience, perhaps through natural inclination. Is it possible for
them to change their writing to create and nurture business relationships? Is it possible for
you, whatever your communication style, to build success by communicating your respect
and positive intent in every business message?
The answer to both questions is yes! Just remember these points from the chapter, and
incorporate them into your daily business messages:
Use positive, relationship-building language words and phrases such as pleased,
opportunity, happy to, thank you, and looking forward.
Have a positive intent in each message. Think not only of the messages practical
purpose, such as to respond to a request. Think also of your overall purpose, for
example, to establish and sustain a relationship with the reader.
Warm up your messages simply, by using a greeting, your readers name, and your
own first name. Avoid canned language that comes across as cold. Think of your
reader as a friend.
You can change your writing style and enhance your work relationships one message
at a time.

Personal Reflection
Do you have business relationships you might strengthen by considering your true,
larger purpose when you write?
Can you afford taking time to add positive language to your messages before you
click Print or Send? Can you afford not to?
Next Step
30

Choose a message you sent recently. It may be a letter, an email, or a memo. Look for
opportunities in it where you might have added positive language and warmed up the
message.

31

CHAPTER 2

Protect Your Relationships by Avoiding Bad

Email Behaviors
When I first planned this book, I did not intend to include a chapter on email. It seemed
to me to be a medium rather than a message. But when I shared the outline with my friend
Melissa Thirloway, she questioned the absence of a chapter devoted to email. She said,
Think of all the serious damage done to relationships in email, especially with ccs and
bccs.
Melissa was onto something. In my survey on business writing and relationships, I
learned that 55 percent of respondents had received an email that seriously damaged their
work relationship with the person who wrote it; 14 percent said it had happened a few
times. Melissas comment and the survey data made me recognize I had to single out email
with its extraordinary, swift power to create animosity, foster mistrust, and kill
relationships for its own chapter.
This chapter will help you protect your relationships by controlling the destructive
power of email and avoiding email behaviors that threaten relationships. Lets start with a
true story whose details have been changed.
Rochelle, who worked in a technical support position at a large software company, had
gathered a lot of valuable data in her work on a project. She learned that the data might be
useful to another project, so she offered it to Dennis, the project supervisor. Her email to
him included a statement something like this: Let me know what type of format you would
like the data in. When she did not get a response, she decided to be helpful. She created a
sample format for the data, filled it with some garbage data, and emailed Dennis again
with a message like this: Here is a format for the data. Will this work? She went home
for the night, pleased with having taken initiative in offering the data and creating a sample
format.
Denniss reply the next morning stunned Rochelle. In it, he berated her for proliferating
incorrect data and implied that she was incompetent. He copied his manager on the email,
along with everyone on his project team.
Dennis had mistaken Rochelles garbage data for the real thing.
Mistakes happen. What killed Denniss relationship with Rochelle was his behavior
after his mistake. Instead of taking the time to ask Rochelle about the data by email, by
phone, or in person, he hid behind a swift, careless email attack. He sent copies to other
people, making them witnesses to the attack.
Eventually everyone understood what had happened, and Dennis emailed a stumbling
apology to Rochelle, noting that he had acted too hastily. Nevertheless, his relationship
with her was ruined. And people on his project team may have become wary of Dennis
because of his rash judgment and rude action.
Here is another true story illustrating the destructive force of email. I have changed its
32

identifying details.
Henry sang in a volunteer choir. He had joined the choir for many reasons, among them
that it would give him and his partner, Jon, an opportunity to sing solos and get exposure
for their singing and leadership skills. But when the choir director, Rory, went outside the
choir and hired someone to sing a solo, Henry was disappointed for two reasons: (1) he
had thought the choir policy was not to bring in and pay soloists, and (2) he had thought
Jon would be perfect for the part that had been offered to the paid outsider.
Henry sent an email to Rory requesting clarification of the choir policy and asking what
he and Jon could do to be considered for future solos. He received an email reply and a
clarification, with advice for him and Jon. However, Rory copied the entire choir on the
reply and included Henrys original email.
Henry and Jon took a leave of absence from the choir. Why?
By copying all the choir members on his reply, the choir director embarrassed the
couple. What should have been a private reply to a private inquiry became a public
humiliation. When broadcast to all the other choir members, Henrys email looked like a
whining complaint rather than a straightforward request for information. Rorys advice for
the pair exposed their limitations to everyone. As a result, the choir lost two excellent
singers.
What did Rory do that severely damaged relationships? He copied the choir on an email
that should have been a private message. Rorys simple decision to send a group email
rather than an individual one destroyed trust not only for Henry and Jon. Every choir
member who read the email could imagine himself or herself being publicly exposed in a
similar email.
Lets give Rory the benefit of the doubt. He probably thought it would be beneficial for
all choir members to read his clarification of the policy on solo parts. If that was his goal,
he should have sent a private message to Henry, then followed up with an email to the
choir. That group email might have started like this:
I would like to review the policy on auditioning for and getting solo parts.
Because I have hired a soloist for the Bach cantata, I thought it would be
helpful to clarify the policy and answer any questions you may have.
An effective message would leave out lines such as Some of you might be upset or It
has come to my attention that some of you are disappointed Rather than suggesting a
negative, his message should simply clarify.
In the story below, which may be familiar to you, the email writer did not copy others
on his emails. Nevertheless, countless people read his messages and mocked them.
A college journalism student phoned and emailed Apples media relations department
with a question about the use of an Apple product in higher education. She received no
reply. Because she needed the information for a journalism assignment, she emailed
Apples then CEO, the late Steve Jobs. According to news reports, Mr. Jobss three
emails to the student in an email exchange with her comprised the statements below.
Our goals do not include helping you get a good grade. Sorry.
33

We have over 300 million users, and we cant respond to their requests
unless they involve a problem of some kind. Sorry.
Please leave us alone.
How do I know what Mr. Jobss emails said? Because they were all over the business
news, with the third email drawing ridicule.
When I blogged about Mr. Jobss unfortunate relationship-busting emails, a training
coordinator named Claudia Amaya commented: This is certainly a wake-up call to all
dealing with customers. A thoughtless line in a single email can ruin the image a company
has built. This annoying student could be the CEO of their best customer later on. Who
knows?
I agree with Claudia. One email never mind three! can ruin a customer
relationship. And who knows how important that customer is or may become?
Environmental engineer Matt Charles, another blog commenter, took up the issue of the
students email: I found that the students email was lengthy and focused on the benefits
that Apples reply would provide to her (a good grade), rather than identifying any
compelling reason for Apple to provide the requested quote.
I have read the students emails, and I agree with Matt. The students emails may have
lessened her chances of getting the response she wanted. But as in the late Mr. Jobss
situation, we are not accountable for the effectiveness of the email we receive. We are
accountable for the email we send.
My guess is that none of the men wanted to destroy business relationships. No sane
person would. Yet Denniss, Rorys, and Steve Jobss mistakes show how easy it is to
trash relationships with email: Just compose, click Send without thinking, and
relationships disintegrate.
Risky Email Behaviors
You can rein in the destructive power of email by avoiding these specific dangerous
behaviors:
Do not put anything in an email that you would be embarrassed to see on the TV
program Good Morning, America (where I learned about Steve Jobss email), in your
citys newspaper, or on everyones computer. Always recognize that your emails may be
forwarded and might even be subpoenaed. Any negative comments or innuendos about
others revealed in your emails can kill relationships instantly. A writing class attendee
recounted an email thread in which she found a reference to herself as the accounting
Nazi. The reference damaged her relationship with the writer and the person who
forwarded the message.
Email evidence of improper behavior can kill or maim careers and marriages. Just think
of Harry C. Stonecipher, former CEO of Boeing, and General David Petraeus, former
director of the Central Intelligence Agency, who are both former in the wake of
indiscreet emails.
Do not send a confidential email to a printer unless you are within 5 feet of the
34

printer and can grab the page as the machine rolls it out. Otherwise, that confidential
message can become distressingly common knowledge.
Never cc others or use Reply All on an email in which you criticize someone.
Denniss and Rorys messages illustrate the dangers of this approach. Even though Rory,
the choir director, was giving constructive feedback not harsh criticism to Henry
and his partner, his feedback embarrassed the pair, as did the public airing of Henrys
original request.
Avoid copying someones boss on a negative message. Do not cc someones manager
to get action. A woman in an email class told a story of an external consultant who
harangued her for not responding to his earlier messages and copied her boss on the
message. He had to apologize shamefacedly to both of them when it was discovered that
he had mistyped her email address on all the earlier messages, so the woman had never
received them.
Even if the woman had not responded to messages she had received, the consultant did
not have any information about why she was not responding. A phone call to her would
have been the right choice to clarify the situation.
Dont scold (or flame) anyone for any reason in email. Because email is not two-way
communication, you cant get instant information from the other person or gauge his or her
reaction. A training manager told me about the time she scolded an employee in email for
not showing up at a training session. Only later did she learn the employee had had a
motorcycle accident on his way to the training. Although she had not copied anyone on the
email, she had presented herself to the employee as someone who is quick to judge
without checking facts. That behavior does not build relationships.
Do not communicate when you dont have the time or inclination to do it well,
especially with a customer or potential customer. Think again of Steve Jobss situation.
Not answering the journalism students emails would have been wiser than complaining
Please leave us alone.
Many people look back in embarrassment on their hastily written and sent messages. I
once received an email reply from a potential client, a reply that was obviously not
intended for me. The email said, I thought you might want to take a look at this before I
just summarily blow her off. (I was the her in the sentence.) The writer soon emailed me
a brief apology explaining that he had meant to forward the email to his colleague to ask
her if she had any interest in meeting with me. To the detriment of our potential business
relationship, he had unfortunately clicked Reply instead of Forward and made himself
look foolish. The lesson: Never shoot back a thoughtless reply.
Dont be stingy with your replies, especially if you are a manager. When an employee
spends an hour or more doing research and writing it up for you in an email, dont respond
cryptically in five words or less, if you value the employee and your relationship. Here is
an example of what a manager should not do, shared in a writing class:
35

An employee researched venues for an important offsite retreat. She narrowed the
possibilities to two venues. She sent her manager an email, briefly describing the benefits
of both venues and asking whether the manager had any preference: Would the manager
prefer the South Street Retreat Center or McMillan House? The manager replied simply,
Sounds good to me. Ouch! The 4-word email diminished the employees work and made
the manager look silly.
Taking just another moment to notice what type of response the employee needed would
have made all the difference. Here is a reasonable 12-word reply: I have no preference.
Both sound fine. Thanks for your thorough research. Even a 7-word Both sound fine.
Thanks for your research! would provide the polite response the employee needed and
maintain the work relationship.
If you are thinking that the original email may be to blame perhaps it was too wordy
or disorganized you may be right. But remember: We are normally not responsible for
others emails, only our own. If you are a manager who receives long, unorganized emails
from your employees, coach them or send them to a writing class.
Dont be thoughtless or downright rude. A writing class attendee told me about her
supervisor: My boss never says please, thank you, hello, or anything nice in email.
He just tells me to do things. For instance, hell send an email that says Dont forget to
include these figures in the proposal or Be sure this goes out in todays mail. When I
asked her whether she thought it was simply a style difference between her and her
supervisor, she said, Maybe, but its very rude.
This employee is not alone. A full 70 percent of individuals prefer that a written request
include the word please or similar polite language; an additional 10 percent feel
disappointed, irritated, or angry if such language is missing, according to my survey on
business writing and relationships.
Coming across as a rude boss does nothing for your work relationships or your
reputation. To guard against that perception, you can take a few seconds to spread a little
kindness. I timed myself typing the words below on my laptop. Notice how little time it
takes to communicate kindness and consideration. Even if you are typing on your
smartphone, please and thanks should not take more than a few seconds each, especially if
your phone offers typing-completion suggestions.

Even if you type slowly, I believe it is worth it to invest the time to raise an employees
morale and build a good work relationship. Dont you?

36

Avoid accidentally sending a message before you have reviewed it for tone and
accuracy. It is too easy to have a thumb or finger slip, accidentally sending a message in
an unedited, raw form whose tone can wound recipients. To avoid this mistake, in Outlook
type a bit of gobbledygook (for example, adadf) on the To, Cc, or Bcc line. It will stop the
message from going out. With other email programs, leave the To line blank until you are
satisfied that the message is ready.
Avoid demanding (or seeming to demand) that others jump to action. Emails with
the red exclamation point indicating high importance, or with the words urgent,
immediately, a nd now, can irritate people and weaken relationships, especially with
repeat occurrences. Rather than jeopardize your bonds with colleagues, call them when a
deadline is urgent and explain the reason for the urgency.
In a discussion of email at an investment firm, a new employee complained that people
did not respond promptly to his emails. I asked him what promptly meant to him. When he
said, Within a few minutes, the other people in the class roared with laughter. The new
employee had few meetings to attend and did not yet have many assignments. To him, a
few minutes was a reasonable time frame. For others in the class, promptly meant within
24 hours.
To preserve your good relationships, place as much value on others time as you do on
your own. Ask, Do you think you can track down this information today? rather than
stating, I need this by the end of the day. Ask, Does a Friday deadline give you enough
time to finish this? rather than stating, I want to get this to the client by Friday.
Avoid using the bcc (blind courtesy copy) function to communicate secretively.
Think twice, then think again about sending a blind copy to someone who should not
receive the information. An attendee in a writing class, a man I will call Joel, reported
that a friend used to copy him regularly on information he should not be reading. Then one
day the friend forgot it was a blind copy and wrote, Mary, please handle this action item.
Kaj, please take care of this. Joel, this is FYI, as usual. Seeing Joels name, everyone
found out he was receiving the information. According to Joel, both he and his friend
learned an alarming, embarrassing lesson.
Another class participant I will call Mark told a story of a colleague who contacted him
to express her sympathy about a difficulty Mark was having. The only problem was that
the colleague should not have known about Marks situation. How did she know? She had
received a blind copy of an email Marks manager had sent to him. Mark felt his manager
had betrayed him.
Follow this guideline: If you feel even a hint of guilt or doubt about sending a bcc, do
not send it. Anytime a little voice tells you that you may regret sending blind copies, dont
do it! And never use blind copies to damage another persons reputation.
Here is the relationship-building approach when you need to include others: When you
need other people to know about a situation but you know that the primary recipient would
be distressed about those people receiving a cc or bcc, instead email a summary of the
information to others. If the primary recipient asks, Did you copy anyone on this
37

message? you can honestly say no. And you can add something like this: However, I did
need to summarize what happened for Patrick and Rayleen, so they would be aware of the
situation.
Of course, you can always bcc yourself. Unless your smartphone saves sent email, you
will want to send yourself a bcc of any important messages you send by phone.
Avoid displaying various individuals email addresses because of not using the bcc
function. Cyndy McCollough, director of marketing technology at a law firm, explained
when and why the bcc makes sense:
When sending an email to multiple recipients from different companies, put
addresses in the Bcc field. Your audience will appreciate the fact that you
are cognizant of protecting their privacy.
I recently received an email from a conference organizer that was sent to
the 12 speakers lined up for the next days agenda. I blanched when I saw
all recipient email addresses in the To field. In listing our addresses in this
manner, the sender put our information at risk of being scooped up by
anyone desiring to grow their contact database.
Although Cyndy came across calmly, some people explode when they see their email
address, along with many others, displayed for everyone to see and for opportunistic
people to add to their email contacts.
Avoid using the Read Receipt function. The Read Receipt function on email programs
asks recipients of your email to click a link to indicate they have received your message. It
irritates many people. They dislike it because it reveals when they have read the message,
which they feel is not the senders business. It makes them feel as though Big Brother (of
George Orwells novel 1984) is watching them.
If you truly must know that employees have opened an email, use the Read Receipt, but
know that it can hurt relationships. A better choice may be to include at the top of the
email Please reply with the message Got it to let me know you have received this
important message.
Avoid sarcasm and avoid or be very cautious with jokes. We have all had the
experience of someone misinterpreting our email. Perhaps we were sarcastic, and our
reader viewed the message as serious. Maybe we thought we were being funny, and the
other person read us as angry. I often need to ask my own husband, who is my business
partner, what he meant by a particular quip in an email that he thought I would understand.
This type of miscommunication happens often in email perhaps more often than we
realize. Frequently we wonder how other people can possibly have gotten our message so
wrong. Were they reading too fast? Not paying attention? Having a bad day?
Researchers Justin Kruger, Nicholas Epley, Jason Parker, and Zhi-Wen Ng looked at
the role of our egos in miscommunication. They published their study findings in the
Journal of Personality and Social Psychology in an article titled Egocentrism Over E38

Mail: Can We Communicate as Well as We Think? Here are some of the findings:
Email writers consistently overestimate their readers ability to distinguish sarcasm
from seriousness. In one test, writers estimated that their readers would recognize
sarcasm 78 percent of the time. In fact, their readers were correct only 56 percent of
the time no better than chance.
Email readers consistently overestimate their own ability to recognize sarcasm. In the
test just mentioned, although they were correct only 56 percent of the time, they
estimated their accuracy at 90 percent!
When it comes to identifying emotion in email, there is no difference, statistically
speaking, between the accuracy of strangers and friends.
Writers overestimate the degree to which their readers will find their humor funny
especially when the writers have had a rich experience with the humor (seeing it
performed on TV, for example).
Emoticons do not improve understanding.
For the trait that causes both readers and writers to overestimate their ability to handle
the subtleties of email, the researchers use the term overconfidence.
Here are the lessons to take from the research: Do not be overconfident. Even if you are
an extremely upbeat, confident person, assume that the worst may go wrong with your
message. Know that your reader will assume he or she is correct just as you do. Avoid
sarcasm. Label your emotions. Pick up your phone or meet in person when the situation is
awkward. Do not reply with that zinger you think is so clever and amusing. Know that
when you email a joke, your reader may not find it as funny as you did.
Avoid letting them sweat. Cynthia Clay, who runs a training company, told me about
a negotiating technique I was not aware of. Perhaps you have experienced it.
Cynthia had prepared a proposal at the request of a prospective client. Shortly after
Cynthia emailed the proposal to the client, all communication from the client stopped.
Emails from Cynthias staff received no reply. Phone calls were not returned. Cynthia was
worried that something had gone wrong until another client told her she was simply on
the receiving end of a negotiating technique being touted these days.
The technique is to let the other person sweat. For instance, let her sweat when her
email gets no reply. If she worries enough about what might have gone wrong with the
proposal, that worry will make her less confident and more eager to negotiate.
Letting them sweat is a perfect way to weaken relationships. When prospective clients
do not reply to my emails or phone calls, my concern is not what I might have done better
in the proposal but whether I really want to work with someone who is noncommunicative
and perhaps stressed out and disorganized. Rather than making me feel more eager to
negotiate, I cool off, wondering where I might tighten my proposal to make working with a
potentially difficult client more rewarding.
Cynthia waited it out without sweating. Eventually the prospective client contacted her.
Then everything became a rush to meet the clients goals, which had been put on hold
39

during the sweating time. The win-lose mentality of letting them sweat is a sure
relationship weakener. Wouldnt you rather work with efficient, communicative people
than with manipulators?
Avoid terms of endearment. A woman in one of my business writing classes said she
hated terms of endearment. She explained: Its words like dear, hon, and sweetie. I dont
like them in email and other business communication. I would like to respond to people
who use them, Im not your dear. Im not your hon. I asked the woman to speculate why
individuals used words like dear and hon (short for honey) at work. We decided that
people, especially older workers, may simply want to be friendly.
But using a persons name is much friendlier than using a generic term. I remember
visiting my then-96-year-old cousin in a New Jersey hospital. When I arrived, she had
been in the hospital an entire week, yet every worker except her doctor called her hon and
dear i e instead of her name, Mrs. Wallace. The terms sounded impersonal and
condescending rather than friendly and nurturing.
Save hon, sweetie, and dear for your spouse or sweetheart, children, grandchildren,
nieces, and nephews. Use it with people who would not even think of responding, Im not
your hon. If you want to come across as friendly in your email, say hi, hello, good
morning, please, and thank you. Use peoples names and sometimes say, Have a great
day! This recommendation applies not only to coworkers, but also to patients, customers,
clients, members, visitors, citizens, and others.
Three Golden Rules
With all the bad email behaviors to avoid, you may be hungry for rules to follow to nurture
your business relationships. Here are three:
Always give others the benefit of the doubt. Recognize that there is a good
possibility that you are wrong or are simply misinterpreting a message. (Think of Denniss
incorrect assumption about Rochelles data.) Then, before you can damage yourself or
others in an email, ask tactful questions to understand a situation.
Copy people on a message only when doing so will lead to something positive for
everyone involved: understanding, teamwork, inclusion, enjoyment, shared credit, etc.
When a ccd email will have a negative outcome for someone, find another way to
communicate. (Learn from Rorys message that wounded two choir members.)
Present your best self in email, the one you would be pleased to see on the evening
news. (Learn from Steve Jobss brief, unfortunate messages.) Think beyond the purpose of
the email you are writing. Ask yourself, Why am I in business? and Why am I on the
planet? Asking such big-picture questions will help you make the right choice as a writer
and a human being in every message you send. It will help you preserve your valuable
work relationships.

40

Personal Reflection
Would adjusting your email behavior help you improve certain business
relationships?
Next Step
Review the email behaviors to avoid and the three golden rules. Choose one or two
as guidelines to make changes in your email.

41

42

CHAPTER 3

Write Mighty Thank-Yous

If you were to do a cost-benefit analysis of writing thank-you notes, I am betting they
would come out as the best business writing investment possible for building and
sustaining relationships. These short, happy messages are typically easy to write, and they
reap benefits for both sender and receiver long after the receiver smiles at the grateful
words. This chapter helps you recognize opportunities to write thank-yous, and it shows
you how to take them from polite to powerful.
In my survey on business writing and relationships, 81 percent of people said that a
thank-you note they received had a definite positive influence on their decision to do
business with a company or an individual again. These comments capture respondents
views:
I appreciate companies that recognize the value of a personal connection
and relationship.
It adds a personal touch to the business relationship.
I cant tell you how much of a difference this makes!
On Business Writing blog, inspirational speaker and author Josh Hinds illustrated the
power of the thank-you this way: Just the other day I received a card from someone
whose project I had participated in. It was a simple thank-you card (along with a little gift
card) nothing too fancy. But the next time I find myself looking for the type of service
this person offers (for myself or a referral for someone else), you better believe theyre
going to be at the top of the list for that business.
Thank-yous encourage people to continue to work with the sender, whether they include
a small thank-you gift or not. For that reason alone, you should invest in writing thank-yous
to business associates of all kinds. Thank-yous are one of the easiest tasks in business
writing, and the payoff can be huge. There is no excuse for not tapping the relationshipbuilding power of the mighty thank-you.
You have a chance to say thank you anytime someone has:
Delivered particularly good service.
Gone beyond the job requirements for you.
Been especially thoughtful, prompt, or efficient.
Given you an opportunity (an assignment, an interview, a referral, etc.).
Given you a gift or treated you to a meal.
Been a special pleasure to work with.
43

Been helpful to you in a stressful moment.

Bought your product or service.
Consistently met or exceeded expectations.
Made your day in one way or another.
Tips for Writing Powerful Thank-Yous
Very little can go wrong in a thank-you when it is sincere and specific. Just follow these
tips to help you write from the heart easily and effectively:
Write promptly. Although a sincere thank-you is welcome anytime, writing promptly
makes the writing easier because the details are fresh in your mind. In this sample email to
a coworker, Jamie refers to specific details he might have forgotten in a few days:
Dear Suneetha,
Thank you for all your work on todays web conference. It could not have
happened without you.
Your attention to detail was evident throughout the program. Your
transition between the segments was very smooth. Also, I appreciated the
tactful way you handled my problem with the microphone. Because of your
efforts, we presented a professional image to potential clients.
Thanks again for your work on this event.
Best,
Jamie
Sending a thank-you note promptly shows enthusiasm and appreciation. In Keith
Ferrazzis book Never Eat Alone, he mentions people who write to thank him the same
day, telling him how much they appreciated meeting him at a conference or after a speech.
Ferrazzi says he remembers most the people who write first, before many others write.
Thats one big vote for being speedy when writing to a prestigious person the message
gets noticed.
Say thank you sincerely and specifically. In the previous example, Jamie named
specific things he is grateful for. That kind of thank-you has much more power than an
empty Good job. Thanks. When he noted that Suneethas efforts helped to convey a
professional image to potential clients, he pointed out the importance of what she did.
Whenever you can, mention the positive effect of the persons contribution, as Mary
Bennett, a manager in a public utility, has done in the message to her colleague Margaret
Elwood. The personal details of Marys message make it a gem of a thank-you.
Subject: ITSM Contribution
Margaret,
Thank you so much for your contribution to the training success for the
Incident management project. I was entirely overwhelmed with the action
item of Training when it was assigned to me. Being able to work with you
44

for the development of the course was wonderful! The course outline
creation, combined with walking us through how to engage the participants
and encourage the hands-on learning, was fantastic. It was a huge benefit to
the project to have someone with your expertise guiding us.
On a more personal note, I appreciate your support and encouragement for
my presentations. Being the trainer definitely put me out of my comfort
zone! I found it super helpful to have you in my corner making me feel
better about it.
Thanks again,
Mary
Mary Bennett
Manager, ITS Infrastructure Support
Being sincere means saying thank you in your own personal style and voice, as Mary
Bennett did. You want your thank-you to sound like you not like something canned you
took from an etiquette book. Tell your own story. Use your own language.
Say thank you warmly. Always use the other persons name and the personal pronouns
I and we. For instance, write Olga, we appreciate your artistry not Your artistry is
appreciated. I sent the following enthusiastic message to our original web designer,
Diane Varner, when she completed our site. The eight we-our-us pronouns and eight youyour pronouns help create the feeling of warmth and connection.
Dear Diane,
Thank you for the creativity, patience, and hard work you brought to
completing our website. The site is exactly what we wanted in fact, it is
much more.
We especially appreciated your feedback on our content, and the way your
design complemented it. We also are very grateful for the marketing and
search engine insights you shared. We had not realized that a web designer
could offer so much solid advice, and we know your efforts will pay off in
a site that brings us business.
Thank you for your beautiful work.
Warm wishes,
Lynn and Michael
Say thank you without saying please. When you say thanks, do not ask for anything.
Asking detracts from your thank-you and suggests that gratitude is not the real reason for
your message. Imagine how out of place a request for changes in our website would have
sounded in the previous message to our web designer.
The following generic letter to Dear Business Owner illustrates what not to do. It is a
request partly disguised as a thank-you. It starts off badly with a nonspecific greeting.
Writers should use the readers name whenever possible.
45

Dear Business Owner:

Thank you for your past contributions to our annual auction. We are very
grateful for your generosity.
This years auction takes place on Friday, October 19. Can we count on
you again?
As a past supporter, you know that all our auction proceeds go to
underserved children and families in our community.
One of our procurement specialists will phone or stop by your business in
the next few weeks. We thank you in advance for your generosity.
Sincerely,
Nonprofit Organization
In contrast, the personal, specific thank-you to Mr. Austin includes upbeat information
on the success of the auction. Whats more, it asks for nothing! The recipient will be
delighted to receive it.
Dear Mr. Austin:
Thank you for contributing the one-year corporate club membership to our
auction. It was a generous gift and a popular item, and we are very grateful
for it.
We are happy to inform you that our auction brought in $95,300. Since our
goal was $75,000, we are very pleased with the results. It is because of
generous donors like you that we exceeded our goal.
Since ticket purchases covered auction expenses, the full $95,300 will be
used to meet the needs of underserved children and families in our
community.
Your contribution has made a difference. Thank you for your generosity.
Sincerely,
Janice Green
Executive Director
Notice that in the thank-you to Mr. Austin, only the greeting and first paragraph are
personalized. That level of personalization makes the letter successful, and it makes the
job of sending out the many thank-yous doable.
Match your effort to the reason for the thank-you. An offhand thank-you that does
not match the situation will come across as insensitive. For instance, a two-word thankyou is heartless in response to a 10-page report. A two-sentence thank-you might seem
stingy to a person who spent hours helping you finish a proposal.
This simple thank-you to a presenter is appropriate from a member of the audience:
Dear Jonathan,
46

Thank you for your excellent, inspiring presentation today at the breakfast. I
had to leave promptly at your conclusion, so I wanted to let you know by
note that I appreciated your moving content and high-quality presentation. I
learned a lot!
I wish you much success with your new book.
Warm regards,
Deborah
This more elaborate thanks is appropriate from the meeting organizer:
Dear Jonathan,
THANK YOU for the fabulous presentation you made this morning. To be
riveting at 7:30 a.m. is a huge challenge, and you rose to it. You were
outstanding!
Thank you for making our association look good. Feedback from attendees
was extremely positive, with comments such as Bring this man back for a
longer session! and Jonathans information was practical AND
powerful! People raved about your slides and your story.
Please accept my thanks and high praise on behalf of the association. If you
would like a testimonial or a letter of reference, just let me know.
Best,
Natalie
Let gratitude multiply and spread. When you thank someone for excellent work on the
job, send a copy to his or her supervisor and to the human resources department, if
appropriate. (You can even tweet your thanks to the world!) When you thank a supervisor
directly, mention the group, like this: I appreciate the commitment your entire team
showed in getting this order out on time. The supervisor can post your note or forward it
to the group and may add his or her own thanks to yours. Some businesses save and post
thank-you notes on their bulletin boards, gather them in scrapbooks, or post them online.
The good feelings engendered live on indefinitely.
Email, Electronic Message, Letter, Note, or Card?
You have so many ways to send thank-yous that it can be tough to choose one. Do not let
worrying about the medium get in the way. Use these guidelines to help you decide how to
express your thanks:
Email or an electronic message through Facebook, LinkedIn, etc., is right for
someone who is regularly on a computer. And the speed with which you can write, send,
and forward electronic thank-yous makes them an easy choice. They may be any length,
from one or two sentences to several paragraphs. An electronic thank-you may not stand
out as special, though, and it may be perceived as informal.
When I sent out my monthly e-newsletter with the featured article 12 Ways to Build
47

Work Relationships Through Writing, I received this thoughtful thank-you by email from
a subscriber:
Hi Lynn,
Ive been benefiting from your knowledge-sharing articles and tips for
quite a long time now. I cant afford to take your paid classes but the kind
of information you share in your free articles has been very helpful in
sharpening my skills.
Id not have thought about thanking you, had I not read this article today. I
thought of you while reading the first two lines of the first point of the
article.
So thank you very much for sharing this enormous and invaluable
information. God bless you.
Kind regards,
Rahul
Because few subscribers send thank-yous, Rahuls message stood out. That is the power
of the mighty thank-you: It helps the writer stand out, and it opens the door to new work
relationships.
A typed letter or memo is suitable for acknowledging a donation or contribution (like
the thank-you to Mr. Austin for his donation). It also fits well to thank someone for
significant help or great customer service, and it is the right choice when the thank-you
may end up in a personnel file. Because of the way it looks on the page, it must be at least
two paragraphs.
A handwritten card or note communicates a personal touch. It is the perfect response
to a meal, flowers, gift, or personal help. Its short, typically from two sentences to two
paragraphs.
Many people swear by the personal note, as does Jeannette Paladino, a social media
writer and blogger. She explained on my blog: A simple thank-you note will do more for
you and your business than a lengthy presentation. It shows you care about the other
person. Its also good manners. Dashing off a perfunctory email doesnt begin to measure
up.
In this thank-you message I received from my marketing mentor, Marcia Yudkin, you
will notice the indented paragraphs, which are standard in handwritten notes.
Lynn
In this season of Thanksgiving, I wanted to let you know how much I
appreciate having you as a member in Marketing for More.
Thank you especially for the empathy and caring that you show to other
members.
Looking forward to seeing you again in Maui!
Yours,
48

Marcia
Marcias lovely card stood out because she was specific in her thanks, noting and
appreciating my efforts to empathize with others. I renew my membership in Marketing for
More each year, and Marcias thank-you reminded me of the relationship we have that
makes membership worthwhile.
Because I want our webmaster, Margery Squier, to know how much I value her work, I
regularly send thank-you cards to her. I pay her invoices by check, and I enclose the check
in a beautiful or amusing card. This is a typical brief message:
Margery, thank you once again for your creative, careful work on our
website. We appreciate your promptness, good humor, and excellent
customer service!
Lynn and Michael
If you send handwritten notes and cards to customers, consider brief messages like
these:
For restaurant customers:
Thank you for dining at our restaurant. It was a pleasure serving you.
We hope to see you again soon!
Dante Osorio, Executive Chef
You can easily personalize the message to make it specific and more memorable:
Dear Spiro,
Thank you for dining at our restaurant. We hope your Kobe steak made
your birthday celebration even more memorable. It was a pleasure serving
you on your special day.
We hope to see you again soon!
Dante Osorio, Executive Chef
For real estate customers who have sold their home:
Dear Mr. and Mrs. Gardner,
Thank you for your patience and flexibility during the process of selling
your home. I hope you will be very happy in your new community.
Warm regards,
Angie Tamrind
For jewelry store customers:
Dear Nicole,
Thank you for the opportunity to help you choose the gold locket for your
mothers 75th birthday. I hope she enjoys it as much as you enjoyed
purchasing it for her.
49

I look forward to serving you again the next time you are looking for
jewelry for an important person including yourself!
Abby Loos, Wright Jewelers
For customers of a clothing store:
Dear Louisa,
Thanks for shopping with us. It was fun helping you choose new pieces
for your spring wardrobe. I hope you feel wonderful every time you wear
them!
If I can help you in any way, just call me at [phone number]. I hope to
see you when you need something new.
Jesse Ward
After we purchased a violin for our teenaged daughter, we received a small box of
delicious, locally produced organic chocolates. It was accompanied by a small piece of
card stock that said, A special thanks from Olsen Violins. The small box and brief
message made a huge positive impression on us.
Consider how you want to communicate, whether it be by letter, note, card, card and
gift, email, text, or even Twitter. But do not let the options get in the way of sending a
message. Send the thank-you!
Thank-You Messages for Job Interviews
In my survey on business writing and relationships, 78 percent of people who have hired
or recommended hiring indicated that a thank-you note has had a definite positive
influence on a hiring decision; 20 percent said this has happened many times. One
respondent described the thank-you as a relationship-starting communication:
Many of the people Ive hired throughout my career were the ones who sent
a follow-up or thank-you note after an interview. Similarly, Ive been told
that a follow-up that I sent made the difference in a hiring decision when
all other qualifications were considered equal. It all comes down to
relationships, and this type of note is often the first step in the relationship
youll have with a new employer. Even if youre not hired, you did the
right thing by sending something positive forward.
Another respondent commented this way:
Ive been in human resources for many years and am amazed at how few
job applicants think enough to send a thank-you note after their interview. It
is so rare it really stands out in a positive way.
To an employer, a thank-you for a job interview indicates an applicants enthusiasm for
and understanding of the position, ability to observe social norms, and writing aptitude
(proofread carefully!). Unlike other thank-yous, the job-interview thank-you often includes
details to remind the potential employer of the applicants strengths and fit for the
50

position. Note those details in this example, sent by email:

Subject: Thank You for the Interview
Dear Felix,
Thank you for the chance to interview for the position of administrative
assistant. It was a pleasure to learn about your business, and I would
welcome the opportunity to work for you.
As a detailed-oriented bean counter, I would relish keeping track of your
accounts, managing the shopping cart, updating the websites, and
coordinating your calendar. The 83 schedule would be ideal for me, and
walking to work would be a dream come true.
Again, thank you for the opportunity to meet. Please let me know if you
need any other information to make your decision.
Sincerely,
Galen Howard
Several respondents to my survey expressed a strong preference for a handwritten
interview thank-you. This brief thank-you could be sent in a classy thank-you card:
Dear Ms. Joseph,
Thank you for interviewing me today and letting me observe your class.
In that short time, I learned a lot just watching you relate to the students.
Each one got your respect and your full attention. Your caring and high
standards were obvious.
It would be a privilege to assist in your class. I hope you will consider
me for the position.
Best wishes,
Fiona Greenman
One challenge after a day of interviewing is to say something different and sincere to
each of the people you have met. The secret to successful thank-yous in this situation is to
key in on the interviewers and the conversations you have had with them. These four
emailed thank-yous all for meetings at the same organization show the variety you
can bring to your thank-yous.
Subject: Interview Thank-You From Lassie Elbert
Dear Dr. Mitchell,
Thank you for interviewing me for the position of career counselor. It was
a pleasure to talk with you and learn about your goals for the center. I also
enjoyed meeting the other team members and learning about their expertise.
I would love to have the opportunity to work at the center. I believe my
experience in several industries, my graduate work in counseling, and my
love of working one-to-one would help me be successful as a member of
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your team. I also feel very much in tune with your vision for the center.
Thank you again for talking with me. Whatever your hiring decision, I wish
you and the center continued success.
Sincerely,
Lassie Elbert
Subject: Thank You for Meeting With Me
Dear Dr. Weiss,
Thank you for talking with me today about your work at the center. I
appreciate your sharing so much helpful information about the client
population, the testing you do, and the many aspects of supporting the
clients throughout their search for meaningful work. You gave me a very
good sense of what working at the center is like. I appreciated the articles
too!
I would love to have the opportunity to work with you. I believe my desire
to help people find their path in life, along with my work experience and
graduate studies in counseling, is a good fit for the center, and I hope you
think so too.
Again, I appreciate your talking with me today, and I hope to have the
chance to be a part of the center.
Best wishes,
Lassie Elbert
Subject: Thanks for Our Talk Today
Dear Tina,
Thanks so much for talking with me today. I loved learning about your
background and all the twists and turns that brought you to the center. Your
life is a fine example of how career paths are no longer straight.
I would jump at the chance to work at the center. It feels like a place where
I could contribute my skills and experience well, learn a lot, and be a
member of a productive team that understands work-life balance. It is
terrific that the center has corporate season tickets to the Storm. Thats my
kind of place!
Thank you again for the great conversation.
Lassie
Subject: Thank You for Welcoming Me
Dear Justin,
Thank you for welcoming me today at the center. I really appreciate your
taking the time to show me around, introduce me to the staff, and make me
52

feel comfortable on interview day. You are very adept at reducing an

applicants anxiety!
I enjoyed meeting you and your colleagues at the center. I hope to have the
opportunity to work with you.
Again, thank you!
Lassie
That last message serves as an example of an important rule: Dont forget the
receptionist!
You may be wondering whether it is necessary to send a separate thank-you to each
person at a company who interviews you, whether you have individual meetings or a panel
interview. Use this response as a guideline: The more you want the job, the more effort
you should put into your thank-yous and every other aspect of the interview process.
If You Do Not Want the Job, Say Thank You Anyway
You present yourself as a polite professional when you send a thank-you, even when you
dont want the job. Sending a message like this one can make a positive impression that
leads to other opportunities:
Dear Helen,
Thank you for interviewing me for the position of event coordinator. It was
fascinating to learn about the wide range of events your company manages.
I admire the way you juggle so many plates at once (literally and
figuratively!).
Based on the amount of travel we discussed, I do not feel this position
would work for me. However, if a position with minimal travel opens up,
please consider me for it. I would enjoy applying my skills as an event
coordinator at [Company name].
Best wishes,
Lee Chin
Remember: A thank-you for an interview is a professional message. Do not be
casual. A senior human resources (HR) professional told me she did not invite a job
candidate back for a second interview because of the persons emailed thank-you note.
Why? Because it included an animated smiley face. That blinking emoticon moved the HR
director to decide the candidate did not have the good professional judgment the job
required. That is the only time I have heard of a thank-you going wrong. And yet the HR
directors decision was probably perfect; she and that candidate would not work well
together.
Thank-You Messages at Thanksgiving
In the United States, Thanksgiving Day takes place on the last Thursday in November.
Canada celebrates Thanksgiving on the second Monday in October. Because Thanksgiving
53

is a national holiday not allied with a particular group or religion, it is a perfect occasion
to remember customers, clients, and others. Your message will stand out much more at
Thanksgiving than at Christmastime, when your contacts are likely to be buried in holiday
messages. Since most people take a holiday from work on Thanksgiving, be sure to send
your messages several days early.
Here are samples of brief thank-yous to customers. Those with indented paragraphs
would be handwritten messages or typed notes not emails.
Dear Friends at LMNOP,
In this time of gratitude, we give thanks for you. We value your
patronage and appreciate your confidence in us. Counting you among our
customers is something for which we are especially grateful.
On behalf of all of us at XYZ Company, we wish you a very happy
Thanksgiving.
Sincerely,
Jack and Victoria Jepson
Dear Dan and Reese,
Thank you for being our valued customers. We are grateful for the pleasure
of serving you and meeting your printing needs.
We wish you a beautiful Thanksgiving and a joyous years end.
Warm wishes,
Karl and the team
Dear Carlos,
In this time of Thanksgiving, I must express my thanks to you. Working with
you over the past two years has been an amazing opportunity for me. I
appreciate your high standards, consistent focus, and fine sense of humor.
Thank you, Carlos, for the pleasure of continuing to work with you. I wish
you a wonderful Thanksgiving filled with all good things.
With thanks,
Linda
Dear Mr. Emmanuel,
When we think about the things we appreciate, we think of you and our
work with you on the Maple Heights project. The project was a challenge
and a phenomenal success for us thanks to your vision and commitment.
We will always treasure that experience.
We saw the enclosed new book on landscaping by [Author], and we
immediately thought of you. Please enjoy it with our thanks.
Happy Thanksgiving!
Carl and Vincent
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These two messages thank employees for their work. Both are suitable to send to all
employees from a manager or management team, with the greeting personalized to
individuals.
Dear Qasid,
During this month of Thanksgiving, I have been reflecting on the things I am
most grateful for. Primary among them is our talented group of employees.
Thank you for the work you do to make our agency great. You help us
provide award-winning services to our clients. Without your commitment,
creativity, and high standards, we would not be the thriving company we
are. I am very grateful for your efforts.
I wish you a Thanksgiving filled with abundance and bright moments.
Warm wishes,
Rhonda
Dear Raimondo,
This year has been challenging for us, but we turned challenges into
successes thanks to you and your fellow employees. You have focused
on the future rather than getting stuck in day-to-day difficulties. You have
worked hard to help our business thrive.
On behalf of the management team, I thank you for your accomplishments
this year. We are all grateful.
Please enjoy the enclosed gift certificate as a token of our thanks.
Happy Thanksgiving!
David
Thank-You Notes for Condolences
One type of thank-you note can be upsetting to write: the thank-you you send in response to
condolences and acts of kindness you receive when a friend or family member has died.
This message is difficult because in such situations, feelings of deep sadness and loss can
sap your energy and spoil your concentration. Your words can seem feeble compared to
the huge support and kindness you have received from coworkers and associates. You may
be unable to remember the many kindnesses extended to you, and you may worry that you
have forgotten something of major importance. All those feelings are maddening when you
want so much to express your gratitude!
The people in your personal and professional lives will not expect you to write detailed
messages. Just knowing that you received their note, flowers, or other gift is enough. Use
the short templates that follow to craft your own thank-you messages. Each one can begin
with Dear and the individuals name. They may be expressed in thank-you notes, cards,
emails, or other electronic messages. The examples with indented paragraphs would be
handwritten or typed notes not emails.
Dear Keith,
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Thank you for your kindness and sympathy during our time of loss. It
gives us much comfort to know that you are thinking of us.
Warm regards,
Nate and Judy
It was very nice of you to think of me in this time of sadness. I
appreciate your thoughts and prayers.
Barbara
Thank you for your touching letter. I really enjoyed hearing from you. The
story you shared about my mother made me smile.
My mother lived a long, full life. Although her passing is a sad milestone
for me, I am grateful for having her with me for so many years.
With many thanks,
Carli
Please accept my sincere thanks for the beautiful flowers you sent for my
sisters memorial service. She would have loved them.
I appreciate your thoughtfulness and caring more than I can say.
Sachin
I can hardly express how grateful I am for your attendance at my brothers
funeral. It was so good of you to take the time to be with me and my family.
Your kindness and compassion mean a great deal to us.
Sincerely,
Dermott
Dear Friends and Colleagues,
It is difficult to find the words to express our gratitude for the many
kindnesses you have shown us during this sad time.
We are so grateful for all you have done for us. The cards, letters, phone
and email messages, prayers, and visits meant the world to us as we
struggled with our heartbreaking loss. Along with the emotional support
you gave us, the meals, chores, and other gifts of your time and energy
helped sustain us day to day.
We are unable to write individual thank-yous to each one of you, given the
great outpouring of support. Please know that your generosity and
thoughtfulness have touched us deeply.
Knowing that we were not alone helped us bear our grief and sadness.
Thank you for being there for us.
With sincere thanks,
Sharon and Lynette
56

If you have experienced a loss and received condolences and kindnesses from others,
be assured that no one will judge you on your ability to write a thank-you. They will be
pleased to hear from you, but they will not expect more than a few sentences of
acknowledgment.
A blog reader asked, Do I have to write thank-yous for sympathy cards? No, you do
not have to write thank-yous for sympathy cards. But write them if doing so will help you
feel better and more connected with others.
Thanking People for Thank-Yous
When you are in the happy position of receiving thank-yous, you may find yourself
wondering: Do I need to thank people for their thank-yous? The answer: It depends.
For any thank-you that makes you feel good, why not take a moment to return the favor
and enhance the relationship? When I received this brief but enthusiastic thank-you by
email from Jeff Chamberlain, a reader of my e-newsletter Better Writing at Work, I wrote
to acknowledge his message.
Lynn:
Thank you for sending out these newsletters. Ive enjoyed getting them for
the past few months. They are a great reminder/reinforcer of positive
behaviors, and I like the interactive proofreading challenge at the end (I got
the missing hyphen correct this time).
Jeff Chamberlain
My brief response:
Jeff, thank you for your kind note. I am very pleased that you enjoy the
newsletter and the Error Quests. Thanks for letting me know!
Best wishes,
Lynn
Although a thank-you message does not require a thank-you in response, a thank-you gift
does. This inquiry I received from Nancy Doerhoff, manager of the Machacek Branch of
the St. Louis Public Library, illustrates the question thank-you gifts may raise:
Hello, Lynn,
We are a public library. Some of our regular patrons (customers) brought
us candy, cookies, popcorn, etc., during the days leading up to Christmas.
Some of us think we should send thank-you notes to them for their kindness.
Others think it is unnecessary or even overkill since they believe the gifts
were thank-yous to us for the service we have given over the past year.
What is the correct etiquette?
I recommended that the library staff thank their patrons for the gifts, and Nancy and her
staff did write thank-yous. Because of their hard work and graciousness, I bet they
57

received more gifts from patrons the following year!

Brief Does Not Mean Brusque
This chapter includes many references to brief thanks. But brief does not mean offhand
one-word thanks or abbreviations. Marketing consultant Cornelia Luethi left this blog
comment, which captures the issue: I once had a manager who would often reply with
just Thx or Thks now that is stingy! It was hard to believe he really was thankful,
seeing as he couldnt be bothered to type the whole word!
Dont be miserly when it comes to thanking people. Typing just Thanks or Thx does
not come across as genuine appreciation, especially if it appears at the end of every
message. If you do need to type a quick email or text as thanks, take a few extra seconds to
make it specific, as these examples do:
Thanks so much for the information. You rock!
Thanks for responding so fast.
Thanks! I appreciate your flexibility.
Thank you for keeping me in the loop.
Thanks for understanding.
Often people use Thanks in response to an email when they really mean only to
acknowledge something. If acknowledgment is your real reason for writing, try these:
Thanks. Got it.
Thanks. Consider it done.
Thanks. Ill pass it on.
When you choose any of the brief remarks above, dont Reply All or cc the company.
The recipients will not thank you!
Do It Now
Its time to reflect and take action. Put down this book and pick up a pen to write a thankyou. Or launch your email and send a thoughtful thank-you instantaneously. No excuses: 31
sample messages in this chapter were 100 words or less. You have time to write 50, 75,
or 100 sincere words of thanks. Those words may be the best investment in great work
relationships you make this year.
Your thank-you will tell someone that she or he is valued and appreciated. Those
positive feelings will reflect back to you, strengthening your relationships. Who knows?
They may reverberate around the globe.

Personal Reflection
Do you take time to thank people who help you be successful? How would your work
relationships be different if you added Write thank-yous to your weekly tasks
and wrote them?
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Next Step
Think of one person who has done something special for you lately or who has
consistently supported your work. Nurture that relationship by sending a thank-you
email, card, or handwritten note acknowledging the special effort or support.
Repeat.

59

CHAPTER 4

Give Positive, Powerful Feedback

When I was in graduate school at Notre Dame, in South Bend, Indiana, I worked as an
editorial assistant at a law center. I was new to journalism, and I struggled to get the lead
right in stories and to compose clear, useful articles. My editor, whom I will call Ruth,
usually applied a red pen heavily to my writing, or at least it seemed that way to me. Often
I wondered whether I caused her more work than I contributed.
For various reasons, I decided to move to New York City to take writing classes at City
College. When I told Ruth I would be leaving my job at the center, she responded, Oh,
but you were doing so well! She went on to say that she would really miss me and the
good work I was doing on the newsletter.
Miss me? I was stunned. I had no idea I was doing well. Ruth had never indicated that
my work was good. She had never said or written anything to balance the strikes of her
red pen.
Had I known I was doing well, I might have blossomed on the job rather than worrying
about whether I was worth keeping. I might have found a way to stay in South Bend to
work happily with Ruth at the center rather than moving to New York City. But I had not
received positive feedback, and I did not know Ruth valued me and my work. It was easy
to leave.
I learned many lessons on the job with Ruth. The one that stayed with me is this: Give
positive feedback lots of it.
Heres how giving positive feedback leads to great work relationships:
When you give positive feedback, you help people recognize what they are doing
well. They feel good about their performance, and they are likely to appreciate you
for pointing it out.
Your positive feedback shows that you value your coworkers and associates enough
to pay attention to their work and take time to comment on it. It is proof to them that
their good work is recognized and valued.
Positive feedback motivates people to continue doing what they are doing well. In
turn, you get to enjoy working with high-performing people, who are likely to seek
you out as a project partner.
Giving positive feedback builds others trust in your positive intent and judgment.
When a sticky issue comes up in the future, that trust helps you work through the
problem together.
Positive feedback can be wildly powerful in building relationships and strengthening
performance. This chapter shows you how to share positive feedback in writing so it does
both.
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Do You Give Positive Feedback?

I taught a class called The Art of Giving Feedback several times at a well-known hightech company. After the class participants and I agreed on the importance of positive
feedback, I would ask how many of them gave positive feedback to others on the job.
Nearly everyone would raise a hand. Then I would ask how many received positive
feedback from their supervisors. Almost no hands went up. The two sets of raised hands
were strikingly different: At least 90 percent gave positive feedback, but only 10 percent
received it.
My experience at that company corresponds with what I found in my survey on business
writing and relationships. In it, 60 percent of respondents said they give positive feedback
to others frequently; 19 percent said they give it daily or nearly every day. Yet 80 percent
said they have wanted to leave a job or an assignment because they were not receiving the
positive feedback they felt they deserved. Clearly, lots of people think they are giving
positive feedback, but just as many feel they are not getting it. My conclusion: There is a
huge opportunity to build relationships and improve performance by giving positive
feedback more often and more effectively so people know it.
Unmistakable Positive Feedback
Consider this straightforward example of positive feedback in an email:
Subject: I liked Vacationing at Home
Tye, nice job on this months newsletter! I liked your tips on staycations,
which covered both simple and elaborate things to do. You gave me
several ideas I am going to suggest to Ellen and the kids.
I always enjoy reading the newsletter. I am sure our clients appreciate it
too. Thanks for all you do!
Dana
After reading the email, would Tye recognize he had received positive feedback? Yes!
Danas comments convey positive regard with the phrases I liked, nice job, always
enjoy, and appreciate it, among others. The message gives a specific example of
something Tye did well (the tips on staycations). It mentions that Dana will pass on the
information, giving Tyes work a wider audience. It expresses enthusiastic appreciation.
When Tye reads Danas feedback, he is likely to smile, then perhaps write a quick
thank-you to Dana for taking the time to compliment the newsletter. He may imagine Dana,
Ellen, and their kids out on one of the local adventures he suggested. And the next time he
writes the newsletter, Dana is likely to be in his mind as one of his attentive, thoughtful
readers.
The following emails also convey positive feedback, but they do so much less
effectively.
Message 1:
Re: Vacationing at Home
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Tye, nice job on this months newsletter. Thanks.

Rob
Message 2:
Re: Vacationing at Home
Tye, I liked this issue and your tips, but dont you think we need more
balance between urban and rural activities? The special offer was catchy,
but I thought we were going to extend the deadline to the 30th, no?
Nice job.
Ricardo
Message 3:
Re: Vacationing at Home
Tye, when I received this, I realized I had forgotten to tell you I enjoyed the
January issue on how to fight germs while traveling. It was good advice.
Krissy
Could you feel the difference between Danas example and Messages 1, 2, and 3?
Danas message, while brief, includes the essential elements of motivating, positive
feedback:
Specifics not just generalities like the Nice job of Message 1.
Complete focus on positives no buts or back-pedaling like the buts in Message 2,
which wipe out the positive feeling.
Promptness not untimely feedback like the reference to an earlier issue in
Message 3.
Significance a reason why the positive outcome or behavior matters; for example,
Danas You gave me several ideas and I am sure our clients appreciate it too.
Significance was missing from Messages 1, 2, and 3.
Notice how the detailed feedback below includes the essential elements.
Subject: Your fine work with Ed Stern
Hi, Aamani. I wanted to share some positive feedback on our sales call
this morning. You were brilliant.
First off, you briefly introduced yourself, focusing on the aspects of your
background that would interest the client. Ed lit up when you mentioned
your supply-chain experience. Then you segued to his situation and asked
relevant though not pointed questions, which would have put him on the
spot. Your Tell me about approach was perfect. It let him focus on the
issues important to him without any awkwardness.
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The way you wove in our companys capabilities when you responded to
questions was very subtle and effective, not to mention completely natural.
You came across as a trusted advisor.
I am certain Eds request for a proposal was prompted by your warm
engagement with him.
Just wanted to share that I admired your work today.
Richard
If you were Aamani, how would that positive feedback make you feel? Appreciated?
Pleasantly surprised? Confident? Delighted? Grateful? All of the above? Whether Richard
was your manager or your peer, his message would almost certainly have a positive
impact on you and your relationship with him.
The Best Feedback Is Specific
It is quick and very easy to say Great job. But the phrase Great job packs much less
power than it would with specific details. The phrase could come across as insincere or
even sarcastic. To recognize and write about what made something a great job! or a
good job, think about the difference between what the individual did and what a bad
performance would be like. For example, if a new student intern did a good job on his
first day, how was his first day different from a bad first day? Is it that he arrived on time
rather than late? That you never saw him on a cell phone, whereas other interns have spent
most of the day texting? Was he curious rather than uninterested? Did he offer to help
rather than surf the Internet when work slowed down?
In this example, a supervisor conveys positive feedback to an intern:
Subject: Feedback on a Good First Day
Luke, I wanted to give you some feedback on your first day in Engineering.
I appreciate how you conducted yourself, and I wanted to let you know.
It was great you were willing to come in early for the safety meeting. I
know coming in early on a Monday morning can be a drag. People were
impressed you took the initiative to introduce yourself.
John told me you asked very good questions as you shadowed him, and
your interest made it a pleasure to work with you. He also mentioned that
when he was busy talking with Derek, you read industry magazines rather
than just texting or doing nothing.
You are off to a good start, Luke. We look forward to working with you.
Linwood
How would Luke feel if he received a message like that one? If the first day had been
stressful for him, he would probably feel terrific that his efforts to keep it together had
been successful. If he had had a pleasant first day, he would probably be happy to know
that others shared his positive feelings. The feedback would tell him that people noticed
him and were pleased with his first days performance. Luke might also feel lucky to have
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a supervisor who cared enough to pay attention to him and let him know how he did. That
feedback could be the start of a great relationship.
Even though positive feedback can be a powerful relationship and performance builder,
some perceptions about it can get in the way of sharing it. Here are three views to
consider changing:
I dont do mushy.
Some people men more often than women find it uncomfortable to pay compliments.
They say positive feedback isnt their thing. In many cases, they worry that they will come
across as mushy, inauthentic, or both if they share positive words.
But positive feedback that is specific is not likely to come across as mushy or insincere.
The details make it work. Consider these brief examples:
Hey, Larry. You coming in early last night meant we could get the trucks
loaded and out before the weather got too bad. As usual, your flexibility
helped a lot. Much appreciated.
Kyle, I observed your interactions with members today, and I wanted to
give you positive feedback on your upselling. You mentioned our
mortgages, investment services, and business lines of credit, in each case
choosing the right product for the member. I can see that you are applying
your training and are well on your way to meeting expectations.
Bobby
Tom showed me the hoist you invented. Sweet! Using that, we wont be
straining our backs to move each job. Cant wait to try it. Mind over
muscle!
Hi, Chrissy. I observed you assisting the customer who is sight impaired.
You made helpful suggestions without rushing her. She might have been the
only customer in the store, with the focus and patience you showed her.
Thanks for representing us so well!
Delia, I read your response to Dr. Wells. Great job! You were firm while
polite, and you made it clear to him that he had several options. It was a
very effective message, which presented us professionally.
Hi, Pam. My trip went perfectly with the travel arrangements you made.
The hotel was comfortable and right across the street from the center, as
you said. It was lucky for me that you gave me the clients cell number
she was waiting for me in a conference room, but no one knew where. So I
just phoned her cell and located her.
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Thanks for your attention to detail! It made the long trip easier.
Alex, I just saw the Tanakas side yard. Its breathtaking! When Mrs.
Tanaka said she wanted a rock wall, I could not imagine how it would
work in that space, but you pulled it off. Your design made the most of the
limited light, and your plant choices should keep maintenance low for a
long time.
Just wanted to compliment you on a job well done.
Jackie, I just read your email. Your concise notes captured my
understanding exactly. Thanks for taking the initiative to write up what we
agreed on. It saved me a lot of time.
Reviewing that feedback, you will find these positive expressions:

The list includes no mush, no obvious insincerity, and only one Great job!
We dont do positive feedback.
If your workplace culture resists positive feedback, your efforts at building relationships
one message at a time may seem out of place. But you are reading this book, so you have
the desire or a reason to communicate differently on the job. Start small, putting your
positive feedback in writing so that no one feels embarrassed by a public display of
admiration. Then keep at it, and watch for results in the form of budding relationships and
consistent positive performances. Remember: Every important movement starts with a
single action.
I have no time for this!
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The secret to having time for positive feedback is to write it (or to make a note to yourself
to write it) as soon as you notice the excellent work. You dont have to go into great
detail. For example:
Walking through the lunchroom, you speak to a new employee, who praises several
aspects of the days orientation program. On your smartphone, you send a text to the
training designer: Marty, I got a huge compliment on your onboarding program from
a new employee. He loved the map challenge and pop quizzes. Nice work creating
new evangelists!
Finishing with one patient, you notice that the receptionist is engaged in conversation
with the elderly patient you have kept waiting. You scribble a note to remind
yourself. Then when you have a moment, you write a quick text, note, or email:
Kathryn I was so relieved that you kept Mr. McGowan occupied. Very
thoughtful! He was smiling, even though I kept him waiting so long. Thanks!
Reviewing the months sales figures, you notice that one rep has moved from number
25 to number 16 among your reps. You grab your iPad and text her: Kayla, your
ranking increased to 16 last month. Great numbers! Your preparation is getting
results!
Learning that your grant has been renewed, you send a quick text, update, or email to
the grant writer: Edgar good news! They extended the grant. Your attention to the
details paid off, literally. Many, many thanks!
Of course, you may not have even a moment to scribble a note to yourself or type a short
feedback message. If that is the nature of your day or week, do your best to share your
positive words in writing, by phone, or in person when you can.
Moving Feedback From Positive to Positive and Powerful
To take your feedback to the next level, from positive to positive and powerful, apply
these suggestions:
Be specific. It is perfectly acceptable to write a general comment such as Great
work! but add why the work was great. The details make the message stick.
Avoid using the word but after a compliment. But is guaranteed to erase any positive
feeling in the readers mind.
Compare these statements:
I liked your rapid turnaround, but the mistakes were disappointing.
I liked your rapid turnaround. It was wonderful to get the document back so
fast.
When you do need to communicate both positive and constructive feedback, include the
constructive part in a separate paragraph, or at least in a separate sentence. The previous
two-sentence rapid turnaround compliment might be followed with this statement: A
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few mistakes need to be corrected.

Use the pronouns you and your when making positive comments. The pronouns give
credit clearly to your reader. Compare these examples:
The event-planning ideas were very creative and expertly carried out.
Your event-planning ideas were very creative, and you carried them out
expertly.
This is the best proposal for cleanup services I have read.
You wrote the best proposal for cleanup services I have read.
When appropriate, share positive feedback with others beyond the recipient. If you
communicate positive feedback in an email, for example, copy the persons supervisor on
the message. If you write positive feedback for a peer on your team, copy the team on the
message.
Normally copying others makes everyone feel good. However, in a potentially sensitive
situation, ask yourself whether the copies could cause hard feelings. Imagine, for instance,
that Joseph was named project leader, a role that Amy was disappointed not to get.
Copying Amy on positive feedback to Joseph might make her feel worse.
Include why the persons performance or traits are valuable. Perhaps the
individuals contribution:
Made your life easier.
Made the department look good.
Enhanced the companys reputation.
Taught you a helpful lesson.
Built goodwill.
Increased efficiency.
Created positive buzz.
Saved time and money.
Created beauty for everyone to share.
Reduced accidents.
Made everyone feel good.
Ensured customer satisfaction.
Whether you are a CEO, supervisor, manager, individual contributor, entrepreneur,
consultant, or student, share positive feedback every day. Look for opportunities to
recognize peoples contributions to your success and contentment.
Tell the chef your blackened shrimp was cooked just the way you like it. Send a
personal note to the choir director commenting on his fine musical selections. Send a
memo to the office manager commending her successful efforts to hire competent staff.
Post a notice on the break room bulletin board praising the entire lab for their
contributions to an incident-free site visit.
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Give positive, powerful feedback lots of it! It will strengthen your business
relationships, making them more supportive, rewarding, and enjoyable. And it will
strengthen performance.

Personal Reflection
One survey respondent said, In my current position, I have never once been told
Good job or You did a great job or even Thank you. Yet I am a diligent, honest
hard worker. Could the writer of that comment work with you? Think of evidence
for your answer.
Next Step
Add Give positive, powerful feedback to your planner or calendar as a daily
activity.

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CHAPTER 5

Send Congratulations to Warm Hearts and Build

Relationships
It was January 1 when I made a happy announcement to my marketing support group in a
program called Marketing for More. I wrote on the discussion board that I had broken a
new record for daily page views on my blog 23,543 on the last day of the year and I
shared some ideas about blogging. Then I enjoyed the congratulatory messages that
appeared on the discussion board from my marketing mentor, Marcia Yudkin, and from
Marketing for More members Doris Jeanette, Lesley Peters, Alice Risemberg, and others.
Lynn,
That is stupendous. If just a small portion of those people stick, then it
cant help but get your business growing fast.
Congratulations for a great start to the new year.
Marcia
Lynn,
You have done an outstanding job on your blog and your niche. Wow!
Great. Enjoy, celebrate, and feel good.
Doris
Lynn,
Thanks for sharing, and for your great ideas about coming up with blog
post topics! Awesome statistics for you! Congratulations!!!
Lesley
Lynn, big congratulations!
And a heartfelt thank-you for posting your thoughts on what works for your
blog. Even though they seem specific, I can see ways to draw out the
general ideas.
Yay for you!
Alice
Congratulations warm my heart. I glow when people say, You have done an
outstanding job in response to one of my successes. I enjoy congratulations even more
when friends and associates add complimentary details about how I reached my goal
69

about how hard I worked or how creative I was. I feel as though they have seen me at my
best and have really noticed.
I am not alone. According to my survey on business writing and relationships, 91
percent of people appreciate receiving written congratulations when they achieve a goal
or they experience success.
A simple, positive way to connect with people and strengthen your business
relationships is to congratulate people on their achievements. The four messages I cited
from my marketing support group members average just 28 words each, including my
name and the writers. What could be simpler for you than to write a congratulatory
sentence or two to a business associate, customer, or coworker? Yet that small investment
brings you and the other person together for that moment, as the sender and receiver of
good wishes and a smile.
This chapter gives you inspiration, tips, and examples to help you write notes of
congratulations.
Many Ways and Many Reasons to Congratulate
Congratulatory messages can take many forms: printed cards, e-cards, emails, LinkedIn
inmail, Facebook postings and private messages, tweets, handwritten notes, and brief,
typed business letters.
Send congratulations to your colleagues and contacts for many reasons. For example,
when they:
Get accepted to the college of their choice.
Graduate.
Pass a demanding professional exam.
Get a new job or start a new career, especially after looking for a job for a long time.
Earn a job promotion.
Start or expand a business.
Buy a business.
Sell a business.
Complete a challenging project.
Make significant progress on a challenging project.
Land a new client or contract.
Reach or surpass a goal.
Are featured as a presenter at a prestigious conference.
Finish a work of art (visual, musical, etc.).
Write a book.
Publish a book.
Win a prize.
Win an award or receive an award nomination.
Publish an article in a prestigious publication.
Are recognized as an expert by a respected news outlet.
Receive recognition for an achievement or a series of achievements.
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Become a citizen.
Are ordained.
Get engaged.
Get married.
Have or adopt a baby.
Have or adopt another baby.
Become an aunt, an uncle, or a grandparent.
Celebrate a milestone (an anniversary, a number of years of sobriety, etc.).
Buy a boat, a horse, or another exciting leisure purchase.
Buy a home.
Buy a vacation home.
Buy a retirement home.
Retire.
Begin a new career after retirement.
When they start a new job, venture, or phase in life, people appreciate notes of
congratulations. These notes can remind them of their own qualifications and their own
excitement reminders that are especially helpful as they face the intimidating aspects of
starting something new.
Joanne Masterson, a web designer and Marketing for More member, sent the following
affirming congratulatory note to Leslie Guria, who was making great progress on starting a
personal chef business, Fresh From Your Kitchen. Notice how Joanne mentions Leslies
specific strengths.
Leslie,
Congratulations. I think you are off to such a strong start because of a lot of
things you bring to the business: strong web copy, great design, your love
of the work, and your knowledge of how to use local media.
Congratulations, and keep up the inspiring work!
Joanne
Write Your Best Congratulatory Notes
Like the success for which you are congratulating someone, you want your messages to be
positive and motivating. Apply these suggestions to make your notes their best:
Be specific. Use the individuals name, and mention the specific achievement. If
possible, share a compliment that ties to the achievement. In the congratulatory email
below, I wanted to remind Bill of his strengths, since an extended search can demoralize
job seekers and shake their confidence.
Subject: Congratulations, Copy Editor!
Dear Bill,
Congratulations on your new job as a copy editor! I am so glad you have
landed a job that is a good fit for your editorial strengths. Having benefited
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from your editing skills and excellent proofreading eye, I know you have
much to offer.
I wish you a rewarding, enjoyable experience in your new position. Again,
congratulations!
Best regards,
Lynn
Respect individual preferences if you are aware of them. One person responding to
my survey wrote, I am super private and dont like to be the center of attention. A private
congratulations, email, or note is appreciated. For such an individual, avoid notes in
public places such as their Facebook wall or the lunchroom bulletin board.
Avoid sarcasm, teasing, and anything that might detract from the positive feeling.
A comment such as It is about time you got a real job may be intended as playful, but it
can come across as judgmental, especially for someone who has endured a long job
search. Similarly, Congratulations on passing the bar; I guess three times was the charm
can wound someone who is embarrassed about the early failures. It is difficult for people
even those you know well to distinguish sarcasm from seriousness. Personal humor
can also hurt unless you make a dig at yourself rather than the person you are
congratulating.
Do one job in the message: Congratulate. As with all relationship-building
messages, congratulations are most powerful when they have one purpose. A sales letter
that begins with congratulations is a sales letter not a sincere congratulatory note. Its
congratulations feel hollow, as illustrated in this letter opening:
Congratulations on your award as PR [public relations] Executive of the
Year! As a sponsor of the celebratory luncheon, we are excited to have an
individual like you honored for the contribution you make to the business
community in our region.
XYZ Printing is also committed to the success of local businesses. As you
may remember from the work we did with you, XYZs printing services
The following message to Pete, which is a note solely of congratulations, does a better
job of strengthening a relationship and therefore paving the way for future business
opportunities.
Dear Pete,
Congratulations on your award as PR Executive of the Year! It is proper
that you be honored for your creativity, leadership, and contribution to our
community.
Working with you on your Save the Zoo campaign, I appreciated your
leadership and clarity, and I was struck by your far-reaching vision for our
community. It is a delight to see you being widely appreciated and
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recognized with this honor.

With best wishes,
Jerry Klein
Owner, XYZ Printing
Remember Your Online Communities
With online communities, you can easily read about peoples life changes and congratulate
them. Communications consultant Deb Arnold regularly sends brief congratulatory
messages like these to people in her network:
Subject: Congrats on your new position
Hey Kojo,
Saw your new position on my handy LinkedIn update. Congrats!
Also read about your volunteer deployment, and greatly admire your
courage and commitment.
Hope youre enjoying SF and your new role. Keep in touch.
Best,
Deb
Ed, congrats! Fantastic news! And a nice bit of press as well.
Life is falling into place for you, my friend. Couldnt be happier for you.
Wishing you much continued success!
Hugs,
D
I sent this brief message to a contact I did not know well, although we had exchanged
emails over the years:
Subject: Congratulations on Your New Position
Hi, Kathleen,
I just saw on LinkedIn that you have a new job. Congratulations! I hope it is
everything you want it to be.
Best wishes,
Lynn
Here is Kathleens response to my message:
Many thanks. Its an amazing opportunity with an amazing company! Ill be
in touch if we need your wonderful services!
In fact, Kathleen did need my services and contacted me about doing workshops for her
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new employer. She may have thought of me to teach writing classes without the
congratulations, but I am certain my message jogged her memory of me and my work.
It is not required that you have a close relationship with someone in order to
congratulate them. All you need is the desire to maintain a connection. Technical writer
Randy Averill described the reason he sent congratulations to someone on LinkedIn:
I saw that a former peer was promoted. We used to be in the same industry
(home building) and, as such, we would cross paths often. Weve both
moved on in our careers, and we live about 1,000 miles apart, but we
remain connected on LinkedIn. I thought a brief recognition of his
promotion was in order. Were not close enough that I would send him
anything personal, so I sent him a message through LinkedIn.
Below is Randys message. Notice how it rebuilds the relationship with Kevin by
recalling specific details.
Subject: Congratulations!
Kevin,
I saw on LinkedIn that youve been promoted. Im glad to see that
[Company name] has been able to appreciate your work in the relatively
short time youve been with them. Its especially comforting to see you
move ahead in these difficult economic conditions.
I hope all is well, and I miss the regular get-togethers we used to have in
the home building industry. I trust youre still enjoying your cars.
Congratulations again,
Randy
Should You Congratulate People You Dont Like?
The reason for congratulating others is to build and maintain relationships. So if you dont
want a business relationship with someone, you may choose to skip the congratulatory
note. But think twice about that decision. If you do not like an individual but respect him
or her, having a polite though not friendly relationship may still benefit both of you. You
may share contacts, referrals, and opportunities.
These two congratulatory messages are professional without being overly friendly.
Dear Tabitha,
Congratulations on winning the Rogers case. Your work on the case was
brilliant. I am delighted for you and for the entire defense team.
Congratulations on a job very well done.
Everett
Dear Conrad,
I am pleased to congratulate you on your new position. You have worked
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diligently, and it is fitting that your hard work has paid off with this new
career opportunity.
I wish you continued success.
David
Congratulations for Many Situations
It is easy to spread joy and maintain relationships by recognizing peoples successes.
These sample messages may get you thinking about people and situations in your work
life. Note: As emails, each might have the subject line Congratulations! or something a
bit more specific.
For an intern who is graduating:
Hi, Erika. Congratulations on finishing at U of C! What an achievement!
That you finished school while working so hard for our team is something
to be commended.
I heard about your travel plans to Europe. It is just like you to set a goal
and then set things in motion to achieve that goal. I hope that you travel
safely and joyfully.
Please stay in touch.
Warm congratulations,
Katie
For an older college graduate:
Chris, congratulations on your graduation! We know how many years you
have been waiting for this day and how hard you have worked to get here.
We all admire your perseverance and unwavering focus on your goal.
Congratulations, college graduate!
Your friends in Accounting,
Jessica, Albert, Sumonta, and Nicolas
For someone with a new business:
Hi, Cara. I received the SHRM [Society for Human Resource
Management] notice about your presentation this week and realized you
have a new business. Well done! I hope its a great triumph for you.
Your presentation sounds brilliant. If I were in Seattle, I would definitely
attend.
Much success to you!
Jake
For someone who has reached a level of prestige:
Dear Donna,
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I just did a Google search with an etiquette question, and your site was
number 1 in the list of sites. Wow! I was delighted to see that your
reputation as an expert has spread.
I poked around on your site and learned a lot. The high quality of your
content and your willingness to share your knowledge are very impressive.
Congratulations on building such a positive business and level of success.
Roger Smith
For someone who has published a book:
Hi Cindy,
Congratulations on your new book, Great Webinars . I just ordered it
online. Cant wait to read your advice and wise words.
I have heard how much blood, sweat, and tears go into birthing a book and
just wanted to congratulate you on having done it.
Warm regards,
Carol Morgan
For someone who has been promoted:
Hey, Tina. I just had lunch with some of the women in Sales, and they told
me about your promotion. Great news! Congratulations!
You are so deserving of it. Your hard work and smarts have always stood
out. You are an asset to the company, and it is terrific that you have been
recognized this way the way it counts.
Just wanted to join those who are cheering for you! Hip hip hurray!
William
For someone you do not know who has been promoted:
Dear Joyce,
I just read RoAnns announcement about your promotion. Congratulations!
Gizelle Olson is a friend of mine, and she often tells me about the creative
work you have been doing in Design. Obviously, other people have noticed
your great work too.
Congratulations on moving ahead!
Best,
Deanna Jones
For someone who has bought a new home:
Hi, Cormac. Congratulations on your new home! Uptown is a wonderful
neighborhood. I hope you and Debra have many years of happiness in your
new place.
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Warm wishes,
Suzan
For someone who has announced retirement:
Dear Mr. Han,
Congratulations on your upcoming retirement. I hope you and Mrs. Han
will be very happy in this new phase of your lives.
You have been a generous mentor and guide for me as I learned the trade. I
am very grateful for the lessons you shared.
Best wishes for a fulfilling retirement,
Adam McLaughlin
The best congratulatory notes communicate in a tone and style that match the
relationship. When she graduated from high school and was moving away to attend
college, my daughter received this exuberant message from our hair stylist, Lisa DodgeJohnson:
Congratulations, Eva! Celebrate a job well done!
This is such an EXCITING TIME. Remember all those butterflies you
may feel are colored by your thoughts, so when you can, choose to think I
AM SO EXCITED! (instead of Im so scared, etc.). New Orleans is so
lucky to get to meet you. Your innate Goodness, Talents, Beauty, and
Wisdom, along with your passionate efforts, will be a Gift to the world,
especially to all of us who get to share moments with you. May You Be
Blessed by Gods Grace Forever!
Love and hugs,
Lisa
P.S. Keep the music flowing!
Like Lisa, you can let loose with all-capital letters and exclamations if you choose to.
After all, notes of congratulations are to celebrate something special. Let your writing
reflect joy and excitement. This chapter contains 43 exclamation marks!

Personal Reflection
Do you take the time to congratulate others? If so, congratulations! If not, what gets in
the way of sending congratulatory messages? Do you want to start a new habit?
Next Step

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Review the long list of reasons to send a note of congratulations. Then write one.
Enjoy celebrating someones success and sharing in his or her happiness. Then
congratulate yourself for taking action to maintain that business relationship.

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CHAPTER 6

Convey Condolences to Connect With Others

When Hurricane Katrina struck the southeastern United States in September 2005, I
wanted to do something that would make a difference. Watching the images on TV, the
people waiting desperately on the roofs for rescue, the drowning of entire neighborhoods,
I wanted to help. Beyond making financial contributions, I ended up writing a blog post to
help people write condolences to those who had suffered devastating losses.
To my surprise, that small gesture made a big difference. From that day on, the visits to
my blog skyrocketed from just dozens of daily page views to over a thousand views each
day, and they continued to rise rapidly.
Blog visitors used search strings such as writing condolences and how to write a
sympathy message. With the huge increase in blog traffic, I recognized two facts: (1)
Everyone needs to write condolence messages at one time or another, and (2) Most people
find the task difficult, nearly impossible.
Do those facts fit you? In the face of sorrow, tragedy, and loss, do you feel you cant
find the right words and the ways to put them together?
This chapter will help you with the important task of writing to someone whose life has
been changed by loss or suffering. The task is important because for those who have
experienced a profound loss, hearing from you is a lifeline. Receiving notes, letters, cards,
emails, and calls reduces isolation, loneliness, and helplessness. People who have lost
someone or something important need to hear from you.
Should You Send Sympathy Messages in Business Relationships?
If you are wondering whether to send this kind of personal message in a business
relationship, the answer is yes! Take the risk. Sending a note or card gives you the
opportunity to connect with another human being who is suffering. At the very least, it
shows that you care enough to communicate in a difficult time. Your reaching out may
establish a memorable bond between you and the person in crisis. In what better way can
you nurture a business relationship?
When my business contact Margaret Elwoods father died, I sent her a sympathy card
with a handwritten message. Margaret is someone I like very much, but I have met her only
twice outside work situations. Here is how she responded to my card:
Dear Lynn and Michael,
Your sympathy card was timely and very, very helpful to me during
difficult days last week. And though I received several notes of condolence
through email, I found in my distress that a tangible card I could see on my
desk was really much more comforting. Thank you so much.
This week is much better, and though I know that grief takes its own time
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outside of my control, I am feeling grateful for the years I had with my

father and for the time I have with friends like you right now.
Margaret
Although our relationship focuses on work, our personal connection deepened through
our exchange of messages about Margarets fathers death.
You write condolence messages because of the pain the other person is feeling. But just
thinking about that pain can make you feel awkward and stumbling as a writer. In my
survey on business writing and relationships, 28 percent of people said they did not know
how to write a condolence message or were not sure they knew how. A larger number of
men (37 percent) than women (25 percent) put themselves in this category. Two
respondents shared these comments:
I always have a terrible time with this. Anything I write doesnt sound
genuine. Ive often just given up and sent nothing.
It has recently happened [the death of a coworkers family member], and I
had no clue how to express sympathy.
Helpful Tips for Writing Condolence Messages
If you feel unsure about how to write this important message, consider these tips to handle
the task with confidence and care:
Do not be embarrassed if you cant think of the right words. Your goal is not to
be perfect but to make a sincere connection with another human being. Write what you
feel. Express your care, concern, or understanding. Acknowledge the other persons loss.
Even the brief sentence Words do not suffice expresses empathy and caring.
Remember that the purpose of this message is to connect with the bereaved.
Comfort and support are the reasons for the message not preaching or gaining converts
to your beliefs. If you feel it is appropriate in your situation, you may write, You are in
my prayers. But do not express your beliefs on fate, death, dying, or related spiritual
matters (for example, She is undoubtedly with the Lord now) unless you are certain they
will comfort the reader. Avoid any comments that may cause discomfort, embarrassment,
or defensiveness.
If it will slow you down to send a note or card through the post, send an email or
another kind of online message expressing sympathy. If possible, send a note or card
through regular mail in addition to the online greeting. Remember Margarets comment,
Though I received several notes of condolence through email, I found in my distress that
a tangible card I could see on my desk was really much more comforting.
It is easy for people to reread cards and notes as they sit quietly and reflect on their
loss. Also, sending a card can be easier for you. Printed cards typically include words of
comfort, to which you can add your own. But do not wait to find the perfect card you
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may never find it or get around to mailing it.

Avoid bringing up work-related topics. For example, do not write, We cannot wait to
have you back on the project, which may suggest that you are rushing the individuals
period of grieving. Do not include your business card, which suggests you are promoting
yourself. If you are worried that the recipient of the card will not recognize your name,
include your company name under it.
Sign off with a standard close. People sometimes fret about the way to close a
sympathy message, especially if they do not know the recipient well. Below are
acceptable closes. If a close doesnt feel appropriate, you may simply sign your name.

When you send a message of condolence, add the date to your calendar. That way
you can remember the anniversary with your colleague who lost the family member or
friend, if you choose to. You might send a brief note like one of these:
Dear Keina,
At this time of year I remember Sams passing and think of you. I have been
thinking about what a generous, funny man he was and how much you must
miss him.
Know that I am thinking of you during this time of remembering.
With warm wishes,
April
Dear Mr. Robson,
With the holidays upon us, I remember that Jeff died over Christmas break
last year. I just wanted you to know that I am thinking of you as you
remember and grieve the loss of your loving son.
Sincerely,
Julianne
If you are thinking that it is untruthful to add a date to your calendar and then imply that
you remembered it, think again. You remembered to add it to your calendar. Then when
your calendar reminded you of the anniversary, you remembered the individuals involved.
Some people prefer to remember happy times rather than sad anniversaries. If you
happen to know the birthday or wedding anniversary of someone who has died, you can
acknowledge that date with the grieving family member or friend. For example, my father
died at age 90. On what would have been his 91st birthday, I received a beautiful card
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from Hiers-Baxley, the funeral home in Ocala, Florida, that handled all the details of his
memorial services. The card prominently showed my fathers date of birth and included
the message, On your loved ones birthday, may the happy memories of yesterday be a
comfort to you. It was signed by three members of the Hiers-Baxley team. The card
acknowledged my fathers special day, which I had been thinking about, and it reminded
me of the caring way the Hiers-Baxley staff had treated us.
When you have a close business relationship with someone who has experienced a
serious loss, take time to check in with the individual and remember the loss. One of my
friends lost her husband suddenly to a massive heart attack. Because of my friends shock
and grief, she suspended the violin lessons she had been taking. Two years later she told
me, My violin teacher never checked in to see how I was doing or whether I wanted to
start lessons again. It made me feel she did not care, so I decided not to go back to her.
Perhaps the teacher had felt awkward about following up, but a brief message for
example, Just checking in to see how you are doing would have indicated that she
remembered her students pain and would have maintained their relationship.
Sample Condolence Messages
Dont avoid sending a sympathy message because you dont know what to say. You will
have missed an important opportunity to connect with another human being in a moment of
sorrow and loss. Use these examples to adapt to your situations. When you can share a
warm story about the individual who has died, share it. You will notice that in some
messages the paragraphs are indented. It is standard to indent paragraphs in handwritten
notes. In emailed messages, do not indent paragraphs.
Upon the death of a spouse:
Dear Matthew,
We are so sorry about Ellens death. She was a lovely woman who
touched so many lives with her joy and generosity. We miss her deeply
already, and we can only imagine the heartbreak you feel.
One of our fondest memories of your dear wife is of the kindness she
showed to the refugee family from Rwanda. She treated them like her own
family. She involved many of us in that kindness, and we were all better
people because of it. Ellen lived her life as a model of grace and goodness.
We are very lucky to have known her.
Please accept our deepest sympathy.
Kent and Mary
Upon the death of a parent:
Dear Martha,
Please accept my sincere condolences on the passing of your father. I am
so sorry about your loss.
Although I never met your father, I know how much he meant to you.
Through your stories of his frugality, his love of nature, and his loving
support of you, I feel as though I knew him. I know he was a fine man and
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that his absence will be felt by many people.

When my father died, it gave me a good feeling to talk with people about
him. I would enjoy hearing more about your father and his life if you would
like to share memories when we get together. In the meantime, I will be
thinking of you and your family.
With deep sympathy,
Joanna
My colleague the late Steve Holtzer sent the email below to his business associate Russ
Taylor upon the death of Russs mother.
Russ and Margaret,
Like you, let me begin by apologizing for the use of email at this time.
I am so sad to hear the news of the passing of Russs mom on Friday.
Although I never met her, I did have the privilege of hearing Russ speak
fondly of her whenever he and I met or talked on the phone.
And even without meeting her, I could tell that she had a very kind heart,
for it lives on in Russ. No doubt she was very proud of the son she
produced, and rightly so.
If there is anything I can do for you during this time of grief, please let me
know.
Steve Holtzer
A year later Steve himself died. That is when Russ shared with me the condolence
message Steve had sent him. Clearly, it had made a significant impression on Russ.
Upon a death after a long illness:
Dear Erik,
Please accept my sincere sympathy on the passing of your brother.
Although he suffered for a long time and this moment may seem like a
blessing, it is still a grave loss for you. Life is never quite the same when a
sibling is no longer present, and I am sorry for the hardship you are
experiencing.
I will hold you and your family in my thoughts and prayers as you
experience grief and sadness. There are many like me who are thinking of
you.
With warm regards,
Linda
Upon the death of a difficult person:
Dear Su,
Please accept my sympathy on the death of your mother. I know she was
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difficult at times, and no doubt you are experiencing a range of emotions.

Nevertheless, the death of someone who has been important in your life
always creates an absence. I am very sorry for your loss.
I am keeping you in my thoughts as you move through your bereavement.
With sincere condolences,
Scott
Upon the death of a child:
Dear Dr. and Mrs. Clarke,
All of us in the lab are so sorry about the death of your beautiful
daughter. We wish we could find words that would relieve your pain, but
we cannot. Losing a child is one of the saddest experiences, and words of
true comfort are difficult to find.
Please know that we are thinking of you in your sorrow. You have our
sincere condolences.
In sympathy,
Devon, Matt, Yuri, Alex, Jasmine, Ray, and Terry
In rare instances when you have been informed by an individual of her miscarriage, you
may wish to communicate your sympathy in writing:
Dear Deborah,
I am so very sorry about your miscarriage. From our conversations, I
know how excited you and Gary were about conceiving this child. I can
only imagine your feelings of loss and disappointment.
If there is anything I can do during this painful time, please tell me.
Nan
Upon a death when you know very little about the situation:
Dear Monique,
All of us are very sorry to learn that you have experienced a death in your
family. Although we do not know the details, we want you to know that we
are thinking about you in your bereavement.
Please accept our condolences.
Sincerely,
The Marketing Team
Upon a death by suicide:
Dear Neal,
Please accept our sincere sympathy on the tragic death of your brother.
We are very sorry that he is no longer with you.
No doubt this awful event has been very disturbing for you, your family,
and your friends who knew and loved David. We are thinking of you and
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them in this time of loss and bereavement.

If we can help in any way, please let us know.
With sympathy,
Jennifer and Lionel
Upon the death of a beloved pet:
If you have experienced the death of a pet, you know that it can be just as sad as the loss of
a human being, sometimes more so. The deep sadness comes from the loss of
companionship, loyalty, and unconditional love that a pet gives so enthusiastically. When
an employee, coworker, client, or friend loses a beloved pet, send a note of condolence
just as you do when a loved one dies.
Our beautiful English cocker spaniel, Chica, died on her 14th birthday. We were
surprised and touched by a sympathy card we received a few days after Chicas death,
from the veterinarian, Dr. Hanna Ekstrm of At Home Vet, who had come to our house to
put Chica to sleep (that is, to euthanize her). We were surprised because we had not
known the vet until she came to our home that sad day. Yet she took the time to express her
condolences in the card:
You have my deepest sympathy over your recent loss of Chica. I could tell
how well loved she was and what a wonderful life she had led.
May you find comfort in your many memories of days shared and of her
floating away so peacefully with you all by her side.
Hugs,
Dr. Hanna
We cried just reading the thoughtful words. Yet we deeply appreciated Dr. Hannas
message.
I wrote the email below to friends whose elderly dog had died, then followed it with a
sympathy card.
Dear Tim and Patrick,
I just read your message about Victors passing. I am so sorry for your
loss. In my experience, there is no creature like a dog for unconditional
love, enthusiasm, zest for playing, and unending expectation of lifes next
treat. I imagine that his place in your home, your daily routines, and of
course your hearts will long seem empty.
I will remember Victors beautiful bows and his wandering sniffs at
picnics. I will also remember how dear he was to you.
Please accept my deep sympathy. I will be thinking of you in your sorrow.
Lynn
Because I had met Victor many times, I was able to write something about my
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experience of him. But even if you have never met a customers, bosss, or vendors pet,
you can write notes like these:
Dear Mandi,
Please accept my sympathy on the death of your dear companion, Isis. I
know the big role she played in your life, and I am very sorry that she is no
longer with you. I will be thinking of you as you grieve the loss of your
beloved cat.
Sincerely,
Robin
Dear Julie,
We were so sorry to hear that Sunny died in an accident. From the many
photos that have decorated your desktop, we know she was a light in your
life, and we realize that you will miss her deeply. Please accept our
condolences on your sad and sudden loss. We are thinking of you.
In sympathy,
Shelly and Annie
Dear James,
I was saddened to hear the news that Ernies life ended last week.
Although I didnt know your pooch, I know how much you cared about him,
and I know you will miss him deeply after your many years together.
Please accept my sincere sympathy on the passing of your dear friend.
Dan
Upon an illness or injury:
A condolence message is a fitting, thoughtful gesture anytime someone experiences a
serious blow or setback.
Dear Mr. Graham,
Joan told me today about your hospital stay and that you are now at home
recuperating. I was very sorry to learn of your accident and the injury to
your back. Please accept my condolences and warm wishes for your
healing.
I hope that as each day passes you will continue to feel better. Know that I
am thinking of you as you rest and heal.
Sincerely,
Kay Brooks
Dear Nelly,
Thank you for including me in the email you sent in which you let us know
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about your treatment for cancer. I am sorry to learn of your illness.

Please forget all about work and focus completely on your healing. All of
us will be sending you positive, healthy energy and lots of smiles and
virtual hugs.
Get well soon!
Tiffany
Upon an illness or impending death of a colleagues relative:
A woman whom I will call Diana works as a consultant. Diana told me about the time in
which her mother was dying. Because of all that was involved in her mothers illness and
care, Diana had to postpone several meetings with clients. She explained to each client the
reason for the postponement, and all of them replied with appropriate expressions of
sympathy and understanding all except one. He wrote back something like this: Okay,
just let me know when you are back in business. We need to finish the project this
quarter. Stunned by the mans insensitivity, Diana decided she would never work with
him again.
Dont come across like Dianas inconsiderate client. If an associate is dealing with the
challenges of ailing relatives, send a message like one of these emails:
Hi Diana,
Thank you for letting me know about your situation. I am so sorry your
mother is seriously ill. I hope the next days and weeks go as well as
possible for you, your mother, and your entire family.
I understand your need to put our project on hold. Please take the time you
need, and let me know when you can resume our work together.
Edward
Hello, Emmett. So sorry to hear about your daughter! I will keep all of you
in my thoughts as you deal with this very difficult situation.
Please stay in touch and let me know if I can be of any assistance.
Best regards,
Amanda
If the project simply cannot wait, express sympathy and understanding before jumping
into work details:
Dear Ahmad,
I am very sorry to learn that your father has entered hospice care. I can
imagine what a strain this situation puts on you and your family. Please
accept my sympathy.
Because we are under a short deadline, I hope it is acceptable to you if I
speak with Evan about getting someone to jump in to assist in your role. I
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trust that knowing the project is moving forward will help you focus on
your fathers needs and your own.
I will be thinking of you and your father.
Best wishes,
Leo
Upon unexpected job loss:
Re: Bad News About Your Job
Nadia,
I just learned from Aruna what happened at XYZ. I am so sorry about your
job! The news is a shock to me. I cant even imagine how you feel.
As soon as you are ready to, please call me and let me know what I can do
to help you. I will contact you again soon to see when you want to meet for
coffee or a walk.
Yours,
Fabiana
Re: News About Your Leaving XYZ
Hello, Wayne
Thanks for letting me know what happened. From what you described, I am
guessing you were not surprised by the news. Still, losing a job is a
colossal change. You have my sympathy.
If I can help in any way introductions, resume review, whatever just
let me know.
Stay in touch and Ill do the same.
Faazaz
When Natural Disasters Upset or Ruin Lives
Natural disasters touch many people, some more deeply than others. People may lose or
be separated from loved ones. Their homes or businesses may be destroyed. Their future
may be turned upside down in one way or another.
In early 2009 Australians experienced destructive, tragic bushfires. A blog reader
named Fionna wrote to me asking for help to write a condolence message to friends:
I want to send a card to friends who lost their home in the recent bushfires
in Victoria. Luckily they were away when the fires hit, but with the loss of
their home and its contents and the damage to the community, I would like
to commiserate with them. Any ideas on what to write?
I had many ideas for Fionna because of the condolence messages I had started writing
when Hurricane Katrina hit the southeastern United States. I created the examples below
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for victims of the bushfires, of Hurricane Katrina, of the earthquake and tsunami that
devastated Japan in 2011, and of Superstorm Sandy, which crippled New York-New
Jersey and other coastal areas in 2012. You can adapt them for similar natural disasters.
For Fionna to send to friends who lost their home and community:
Dear Simon and Samantha,
I am so terribly sorry about the loss of your home and the devastation of
your lovely community. You have been in my thoughts since the blaze
struck. I was relieved knowing you were away from home, but I share your
sorrow in all that you have lost.
Please know that I am thinking of you in your time of sadness and loss.
Fionna
For someone whose family member died in the bushfires:
Dear Stephen,
Please accept my condolences on the death of your brother Nigel. His
sudden death in the bushfires is tragic and heartbreaking. We all wish we
could undo what happened and bring him back as his funny, wisecracking
self. The world is a lesser place without Nigel in it.
I wish I had words that could make your pain less. At least you know my
thoughts and prayers are with you and your family as you grieve.
In sympathy,
Carl
For someone who suffered because of a hurricane; easily adaptable to other
situations:
Dear Betty,
I am so sorry about the heartbreaking losses you have experienced through
the hurricane. Please accept my deepest sympathy.
As you move through the difficult days and weeks ahead, you will be
present in my thoughts. If there is anything I can do to ease your loss,
please let me know. I would be grateful for the opportunity to help you.
With sincere sympathy,
Rene
For someone whose business and coworkers have suffered:
Dear Mansour,
We are deeply sorry to learn about your losses caused by the hurricane
and its terrible aftermath. Please know that we are all thinking about you
and your coworkers as you piece together your lives and your work.
You have our sincere condolences.
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Adam and Vincent

For someone whose plans have been crushed:
Dear Mitch,
Talking with Estrella, I learned about how the hurricane has upset your
plans for retirement. I am very sorry this happened! I know it must be
extremely difficult for you.
I simply want you to know I am thinking of you. I wish you the best
possible outcome.
Sincerely,
Jim Downs
For victims of a huge storm:
Hello, Warren. I just learned from Brittany that your cottage on the Jersey
Shore was wiped out in last weeks storm. Please accept my sympathy on
your loss.
As someone who was lucky enough to have been your guest, I know how
much fun you and your family shared in that bungalow and how many good
memories you must have. I am very sad that the cottage is gone.
You are in my thoughts.
Linda
Kathleen,
How sad I am to learn that your lovely Twinkles was lost in the storm! I
know how you treasure that dog, and I can imagine that the lack of knowing
what happened to her is extremely painful.
I am sincerely sorry for both you and Twinkles.
Warmest wishes,
Lisa
Dear Rhonda,
Please accept my sympathy on the death of your wonderful husband. I am
so very sorry about the terrible accident that took his life. The fact that
Frank died in an attempt to save others illustrates the courage and love that
filled him.
I am keeping you in my thoughts and prayers as you grieve this deep loss.
With sympathy,
Marie
For anyone who has experienced serious loss:
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Dear Quinn,
Words cannot express how sorry we are about the recent tragic events that
have touched you so deeply. Your loss is huge. We can only imagine the
hurt you feel.
We want you to know that you are in our thoughts and prayers. Please
accept our condolences and our hopes for your healing and renewal.
With sympathy,
Thomas and Ashley
For people in Japan who suffered the earthquake and tsunami:
If you need to write across cultures, the examples that follow may be helpful. They
primarily use short sentences and literal language to communicate effectively across the
language barrier. To match the Japanese focus on the group rather than the individual, the
notes mention the community and the country. I intended the messages to be restrained and
dignified rather than flamboyant and familiar.
Dear Shinichi,
As I watch my TV and see the snow falling in northern Japan, I think
deeply of you and the struggles your country is facing. I am touched by the
bravery, collaboration, and patience of the Japanese people of all ages.
It is very sad that the earthquake destroyed your school. I understand how
important your school is to the members of your community.
I hope that you and the people in your community will be able to obtain
food, water, and all necessities. I also hope that your spirits will remain
positive as you work to reconstruct your society.
With all good wishes,
Barbara Allen
Dear Mr. Suzuki,
Thank you for writing to us. We are thinking of you, your coworkers, your
families, and your community as you work to recover from the tragedy of
the earthquake and tsunami. We are grateful that your office building in
Tokyo was not affected. Yet we recognize that everyone in Japan has been
affected profoundly by the recent events.
You are in our thoughts as you strive to recover and rebuild your beautiful
country. We wish you strength, peace, and safety in the days and months
ahead.
Sincerely,
Carl and Suzanne Gray
Build Relationships in Difficult Times
When you are wondering what you can do to help a business associate who is
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experiencing a sad loss, stop wondering: Send a sympathy message. For those who
receive them, cards and messages of sympathy and condolence provide an essential link
with other people in a time of loss and need. Provide that link. Be that lifeline. Establish a
strong, possibly lasting bond between a client, customer, or coworker and yourself.

Personal Reflection
A respondent in my survey wrote, It is very touching when someone (anyone) takes
the time to acknowledge your pain. Do you feel comfortable acknowledging loss
and pain in a condolence message to a business associate? What might you do to
reduce any discomfort?
Next Step
Prepare yourself for occasions that require a message of condolence by purchasing
several sympathy cards and keeping them with your letterhead or notepaper. A card
with a brief, tasteful message makes your task easier. You can write a sincere
sentence or two, then sign and send the card.

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CHAPTER 7

Personal Introductions: Pave the Way to New

Relationships
Ron Scott estimates that he has introduced more than 14,000 people in the past 20 years.
Thats a conservative number, he says. Ron, who works as an independent leadership and
organizational development consultant in the Seattle area, calculates that he introduces
more than 700 business people each year, virtually all through email. Having known Ron
and benefited from his business matchmaking for more than 20 years, I find his figures
credible.
You can see Rons process at work in the following email, which he sent to Deb Arnold
and me.
Subject: Introduction
Lynn and Deb, I am pleased to introduce you two.
Lynn, Deb Arnold is a Seattle-based communication consultant. Deb guides
organizations to create and deliver internal communications that help
achieve enterprise and department goals more effectively and efficiently.
Thinking there is high potential for mutual benefit in you two meeting, I
suggested that she call you to schedule an appointment. Thanks in advance
for meeting with Deb.
Deb, Lynn Gaertner-Johnston is Founder, Syntax Training, a business
writing training firm. Her office phone number is [number].
Best regards,
Ron
Ronald G. Scott
Scott Associates
Shortly after we received Rons message, Deb and I exchanged emails to set up a
meeting. Since our first meeting, she and I have had lunch many times. We have called and
emailed each other for business advice. She has been a guest speaker in my
communications classes in the MBA program at University of WashingtonBothell, and I
have attended her choir concerts. Although our relationship focuses more on our
businesses than our personal lives, we consider each other good, trusted friends.
We have Ron Scott to thank for our rewarding relationship.
Why Take the Time to Introduce Others?
With his 14,000-plus introductions, Ron Scott is a master of paving the way for others to
create business relationships. Why does he do it? Ron views introducing people almost as
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a way of tithing, a way of giving back to the business community. I like giving back to a
business world that has been so good to me, he says, by introducing people whose lives
I believe will be enriched in their meeting.
Although Ron emphasizes giving back and experiencing personal fulfillment, the
benefits go beyond good feelings. Twenty-five years after making an introduction that led
a woman named Jennifer to a productive career move, Ron got a call from Jennifer. She
was planning to retire, and one of her last acts before retiring was to recommend a
consultant for an important project at her firm. That consultant was Ron. In the project, he
earned $175,000.
Ron emphasizes that only occasionally is there such a direct return to him for connecting
people. But Im betting the less direct returns are huge. Ron has no website, blog, or
Facebook page, and he doesnt tweet. He gets all of his consulting and coaching
assignments through personal referrals, and his work plate is as full as he wants it to be.
Referrals come not only from doing excellent work, but also from the high regard of
ones associates. Ron has earned high regard over the years, in part because of his
willingness to help others. He acknowledges that link: Connecting people demonstrates
that I am not just living this life for myself. I am of service to my community. Obviously, I
get benefit from that. Rons planting the seeds of relationships for others is part of
building and maintaining his professional network.
The subtitle of this book is How to Build Great Work Relationships One Message at a
Time. As a first step in building relationships, introductions spark interest, enthusiasm,
and often generosity. This chapter shows you how to add introductions to your writing
repertoire.
Choosing People to Introduce
It is difficult to imagine introducing 14,000 people, so why not start with just two people
you know who do not know each other? Think about ones who have, as Ron says,
matching or complementary values, beliefs, and behaviors. Do they have common
interests and goals? Are they at a similar place in their personal lives or careers?
Think about how a business relationship might benefit the two people. Could one offer
the other advice on starting a business or restarting a career? Is one of them in a place to
mentor the other or to make further introductions? Could one of them share insights on how
to thrive in a new city or industry? Is one looking to hire an employee or contractor, and
the other seems like a possible match?
Ron Scott looks for a match in which both people will leave the meeting thinking,
Wow! I am glad I met that person. As he explains, They may be saying wow for both
personal and professional reasons, or one of the two. Incidentally, Ron has made three
networking introductions that led to marriage.
Making the Connection
You can bring people together by email, Facebook, LinkedIn, or other online services that
help you share messages and contact information. Jerry Schlagenhauf, a career consultant
in the Seattle area, used the email below to introduce two of his career transition clients.
Because he has a coaching role with them and knows them both well, he made very
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specific suggestions about how they could benefit from meeting. (Details have been
disguised.)
Subject: You two need to meet each other!
Greetings, Angela and Ben.
There are numerous reasons that you should connect, and soon:
1. You probably will want to explore your experiences in
Chicago and at the U of C.
2. You have a passion for serving and contributing to community
justice and understanding.
3. You have professional skills and professional connections that
will be mutually beneficial.
Angela has exceptional credentials and experience, with 11 years in broadbased anti-bias curriculum models and multiculturalism. She fervently
desires to assist decision makers to achieve cultural competencies that
translate into improvements in education, training and access to resources
for all. She is the Program Manager for the XYZ Association.
Ben has a professional background in senior public affairs & government
affairs, public policy, and as an attorney. He is currently the public policy
director at ABC Medical Center. Ben has a formidable networking
capacity in the state of Washington.
Contact information:
Angela [phone & email]
Ben [phone & email]
Angela, ask Ben about the LMNOP School (and the organizations to which
you have already applied).
Ben, discuss LinkedIn with Angela.
Have a great meeting!
Jerry
The Schlagenhauf Group
That detailed message was an introduction of two people in career transition. This
email introduces two people who work at the same company:
Subject: Susan, Meet Ralph; Ralph, Meet Susan
I am introducing you two because I think you would enjoy meeting and
sharing your know-how.
Susan, Ralph is an archivist in our SF office. He moved there from Seattle
four years ago and can share lots of insights about the SF team and the city.
He is a foodie and a baseball junkie.
Ralph, Susan moves from Portland to SF next month. She has been with us
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seven years as a database expert. I bet she can share wisdom to help with
your new project. Susan is excited about her move into the big leagues of
the company and baseball. Go Giants!
You now have each others addresses. You can take it from here.
David
Tips for Making Introductions
Apply these tips to make flawless introductions that your contacts will welcome:
Have one or more reasons for making each introduction. Mention the reasons in your
email. That information will inspire the individuals to communicate. Your reasons may be
as a simple as Rons thinking there is high potential for mutual benefit in you two
meeting.
Share a few details that will jump-start the connection. Jerrys email included lots
of suggestions to get Angela and Ben talking. Davids email includes information about
hobbies, which can help start a conversation between Susan and Ralph.
Ask permission from each party before making the introduction unless you know
that the individuals are open to introductions. Asking shows respect and an awareness of
peoples privacy needs.
Include phone numbers if you are certain that sharing them is acceptable to the
people involved. Otherwise, just use email, which reveals both peoples email addresses.
Avoid making introductions to the same person continually unless he or she
encourages you to do so. For example, it would not be wise for David to introduce Ralph
repeatedly to San Francisco newbies.
Do not introduce someone you are not proud to present. In other words, avoid
introducing a jerk. If you find a person arrogant and pushy, assume others will agree.
Forego making the introduction, even if the individual requests one.
Responding to Introductions
If you have been introduced by email, you may take the next step by email or phone. When
Ron Scott introduced me to Pete Busacca, an expert in sales and sales strategy, Pete
promptly sent this email:
Dear Ron and Lynn,
Ron, thank you for the introduction and for the kind words.
Lynn, I look forward to meeting you. You and Michael have an intriguing
website, and I am so curious how you went from beautiful Peoria,
Illinois, through South Bend, to find yourself here in the drizzly Northwest.
I wonder if we might get together over a cup of coffee in the next week or
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two. Would you be available to meet this Friday around midmorning?

If not, please suggest some other dates and times that might work for you.
Of course, Michael is welcome to join us.
Thanks, and I so look forward to meeting you.
Best regards,
Pete Busacca
Petes email is first-rate. In it, he showed that he had done his homework: He had
visited our company website and read our bios. He expressed curiosity about me. Also, he
took the initiative to suggest a date and time to meet. After reading his email, I was eager
to meet Pete, and we scheduled on the Friday morning he suggested. Success! We both
widened our professional circles, thanks to Ron Scott.
Introducing an Individual to a Group
Just as 1-to-1 introductions benefit both people, introducing someone to a group or to the
entire company has great benefits for everyone. Consider this email example:
Subject: Welcome Pat Nielsen to Sales
I am pleased to announce that Pat Nielsen will join the Sales group as
Sales Assistant on Monday, April 11. Her role is to help us produce
outstanding proposals, presentations, web demos, and related materials
and events. She reports to Stephanie Brown.
Pats experience is a terrific fit for the job. She comes to us from XYZ
Company, where she worked first in retail sales and then as a store event
coordinator. Before working full time, she earned her bachelors degree in
business from the University of Washington. She loves to kayak, hike, and
take nature photographs. She did all three on a recent trip to Maui.
If you are at headquarters, stop by Pats desk on the 4th floor and introduce
yourself to her. You can also reach her at Ext. 2003 and
[email protected].
Bill Richards
Director of Sales
Benefit to the Sales group: Everyone who reads the message will learn a lot who Pat
is, what her role in Sales will be, when she starts, whom she reports to, why she was
hired, who she is outside work, how she can be reached, and how to welcome her. People
will feel they already know her.
Benefit to Pat: When she reads the email from the Director of Sales introducing her to
the group, she is likely to learn how important she is to the team and to feel terrific,
especially when people stop by to say hello.
Benefit to everyone: The email will probably inspire Pat to feel that she made the
correct choice when she accepted the job. In turn, that feeling will inspire her
performance.
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Introducing new employees is a step that often gets overlooked, except at the highest job
levels. But overlooking introductions can leave new employees feeling alone and
anonymous, and it can stifle their ability to contribute and grow.
Tips for Making Introductions to a Group
Follow these tips to write introductions that ignite excellent work relationships:
Include basic information: the new persons name, role, reporting relationship,
relevant background and education, and contact information. Adding a personal detail,
such as Pats specific interests in the outdoors, will enrich the introduction and help
employees relate to the new hire.
Be consistent about introductions. If you introduce the senior manager, introduce the
receptionist. You may use fewer details for the receptionist because his or her career may
be shorter and responsibilities narrower. Nevertheless, introduce everyone. Even in
economic downturns when people are being laid off, new employees should be welcomed
with an introduction.
Decide on the appropriate audience for the introduction. You may choose to
introduce the new employee to your department, your division, or the people in your
building. If your company is small (100 people or fewer), you may write to everyone.
Think about who is likely to interact with the new employee. Those people will need and
want the introduction.
Choose a communication medium that makes sense for your company. It may be
email, a newsletter article, or a posting on your intranet.
Let the individual know that you will publish the introduction, and give him or her a
chance to approve the content. For example, in the message introducing Pat to Sales, the
writer or his assistant might have asked Pats permission to mention her hobbies and her
recent trip to Maui.
Do not use sarcasm in your introduction, and be very cautious with humor. Avoid
any content that could detract from the positive tone.
Introducing Yourself: Reintroductions
You cannot always have an intermediary make introductions for you, and you dont always
need one. Often you can introduce or reintroduce yourself. You can take your own steps to
launch business relationships.
You may want to reintroduce yourself after meeting at a networking or professional
event or after not seeing someone for a long time. Reintroductions are easier than
introducing yourself for the first time. The person has already met you in one way or
another, and you can build on that meeting.
Alexandra, a reader of my Business Writing blog, asked me what to write in a followup email to people she meets at important meetings. She explained that at the meetings, she
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often talks to potential clients or partners for only a few minutes, and she would like to
take those brief contacts to the next level. She asked what she can say to potential clients
or partners in a follow-up email that will make a good impression.
Alexandra had a specific business purpose for her desire to make follow-up contact.
Even without a specific purpose, though, it is valuable for most business people to nurture
the brief professional contacts that seem to have potential. With nurturing, those contacts
may develop into business relationships, not just names in a contact list.
Here are things Alexandra and you can do in a follow-up email:
Mention the meeting and the conversation.
Refer to something specific that came up in the conversation, especially a mutual
interest.
Suggest a way to continue the conversation.
If possible, attach an article or include a useful link that will please the other person
(not a hard-selling piece).
Mention a next step you will take, or ask the other person to respond.
The following examples, whose details are all fictional, show how to follow up in an
email after making a good in-person connection with someone.
Subject: Oyster Accompaniments and Meeting in DC
Hi Mary,
What fun it was to meet you last week at the conference! Inspired by our
indulging our love of oysters, I have attached my special recipe for oyster
accompaniments. My secret ingredient may surprise you.
I would enjoy having lunch or coffee with you when Im in Washington the
first week in October. If you will be available, I would like to learn more
about your export business and share information about our company.
When my schedule is firm, I will write to invite you.
Best,
Katia Strauss
Subject: Pleasure to Meet You and Discuss Global Health
Dear Professor Schamb,
It was a pleasure talking with you at the Health Initiatives meeting. I
enjoyed learning about your work investigating global health programs.
Since we talked, I read the research paper you recommended. I found the
data disturbing, just as you had predicted.
You expressed an interest in learning more about my work with refugees on
the Thai-Burmese border, and it would be my pleasure to tell you about it.
I will let you know when I will be in Cambridge again, and perhaps we
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can schedule a meeting. You may also be interested in my blog, in which I

wrote about daily life in the camps. Here is the link: [link].
I will write or call you to request a meeting.
Sincerely,
Mona Lane
Subject: Eating Well and Working in Vancouver
Nicolai, it was great to meet you at the networking social yesterday. Thank
you for sharing information about the best Chinese restaurants in the area. I
intend to try the Shanghai Restaurant this weekend.
I would appreciate learning more about how you established your business
in Vancouver. Would you be willing to meet for lunch or coffee? I will call
you next week to invite you.
It was a pleasure meeting you.
Jeffrey Holmes
Subject: Customer Evangelism Our Favorite Subject
Hi, Waleed. I appreciated talking with you about customer evangelism at
the gathering last night. Based on our conversation, I would say we have a
lot of the same concerns, and Id like to stay in touch. Despite our different
industries, we face the same challenges. Maybe we can share solutions.
Attached is an article I wrote about the topic. Let me know if you agree
with my premise.
If you are going to be in New York, please tell me and we can schedule a
meal. I will let you know when I will be in Atlanta.
Best,
Muhammad
Subject: Scheduling Time to Discuss Business in Romania
Hi Renee!
It was terrific to meet you last week at the symposium. Thanks for
recommending Quiet. I bought it yesterday and cant wait to learn about my
introverted colleagues!
You said you would like to find out more about investment opportunities in
Romania. I would love to talk with you about the possibilities. Since you
will be traveling for the rest of this month, would you like to schedule a
conversation early next month?
I look forward to talking with you again. Just let me know a day and time
that suit your schedule.
Donna
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When You Do Not Get a Response

At times your efforts to reach out wont get a response. When you do not receive a reply,
you can take another step. For example, lets say Donna did not receive a reply from
Renee to her email about scheduling time to discuss investment opportunities in Romania.
Donna might take one of these two steps:
1. Write a brief follow-up email in which she forwards or attaches her original
message. That email might simply say: Hi, Renee. I am betting your heavy travel
schedule is winding down now. Do you want to schedule a meeting to discuss
investment opportunities in Romania? Please let me know a good day and time.
(Better yet, Donna could suggest several dates and times and ask Renee to let her
know which is best.)
2. Call Renee and leave a message similar to the one above.
If Donna still does not hear from Renee, she may wait a month and then make a final try.
She cannot know whether Renee is uninterested, extremely busy, or not responding for
another reason.
On September 14, 2011, I received an email from Ron Scott introducing me to a
Seattle-based coach named Rachel Salzberg. On that same day, Rachel emailed me. I
scheduled a coffee date with her but had to cancel because of a family situation that
required travel. I let Rachel know that I would get in touch with her when my schedule
lightened. It was not until the following summer that I contacted her again! Rachel and I
met over coffee, exchanged many helpful ideas, and made an excellent connection. Moral
of the story: Do not assume that someones delay in responding or scheduling means a lack
of interest in meeting you. Timing can be everything.
Not every effort leads to a blossoming business relationship. I received an email from a
young man I will call Thomas, who was disappointed by a lack of response to his request
for a meeting. Thomas wrote to me, in part:
I am about to kick-start my career after graduating in finance, and Ive
always realized that contacts are very, very important. Hence, I would like
to seek a few words of advice on following up on new contacts.
Recently, I met a person who would serve me well as a business mentor,
and I wish to get to know him to share ideas and learn from him. After a
quick handshake meeting for the first time at a conference, I took the
initiative to text him to establish a relationship the next day. However, he
did not reply to my offer to meet and have a more serious conversation.
May I know what I did wrong and what I should have done in this case?
What should I do now to proceed? I would appreciate your insights as to
what made him not respond to my approach.
Many busy professionals guard their time carefully. They weigh each request to
determine whether the prospective relationship will be rewarding for them and whether
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they have time for it. Thomass request may have been unsuccessful for several reasons:
When he met his potential mentor, they did not make a meaningful connection.
Thomas said it was only a quick handshake meeting, which is too quick an
encounter on which to build. It is possible the mentor could not even remember
meeting Thomas.
Thomas texted the mentor to make a connection. His message was probably short and
unremarkable. If Thomas put little effort into his message, it would be unusual for it
to spark a reply.
Thomass wanting the individual to serve me well as a business mentor shows the
two men at different places in their careers. Only if Thomas clearly communicated a
reason for the other man to want to get to know him and mentor him would the other
man respond positively. Most successful relationships are complementary, not with
one person serving the other.
Thomas asked me what he should do now to proceed. One possibility is to find a mutual
business contact someone like Ron Scott to pave the way with an introduction. The
other is to take time himself to write a more complete, polished introduction than a text
message.
Introducing Yourself to Strangers
When you introduce yourself to people with whom you have no previous connection, you
need to establish one. That happens by sharing information about yourself and making a
logical connection to the other person.
I received the following email of introduction (disguised) from a stranger. What was
missing from the message?
Subject: Networking Introduction
Hi. Im a former Sun reporter who was laid off in May when the paper
went online-only. Im looking for the best fit in the occupational arena for
my skills and experience. Lizzie Blake of XYZ Company suggested I talk to
you.
Id like to meet with you for 2030 minutes, at a time and place of your
convenience coffee, drinks, just talk, whatever. No specific agenda I
just want your perspective.
Thanks.
John Black [phone number]
Johns clear, concise message included a bit of information about himself and a referral
from someone I knew. The piece that was missing was any tie to me. The message was so
generic that it could have been sent to anyone at least anyone who knew our mutual
contact. If the email had not mentioned someone I knew, I would have deleted it. Instead, I
replied with two words: Why me?
John wrote back and explained why:
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To draw on my experience as a writer and editor to teach writing, maybe

targeting business people who want to learn to write more effectively in a
time when they may be called on to write more (emails, blogs, internal
websites, etc.). From a look at your website, it seems like thats your field
so I would hope to learn more about it, and the opportunities it presents,
from you.
Once I understood why John wanted to meet me and not just anyone with a job I
was happy to schedule time and share ideas with him.
When you introduce yourself to strangers, especially when writing to request a
professional favor, as John was, be sure to include specific information that helps readers
understand why the connection makes sense. This step does not have to slow you down. If
John had simply greeted me by name and included a complimentary sentence about my
work, blog, or website, I would have replied, Sure! instead of Why me?
Consider this sample email introduction and request:
Subject: Request Regarding Music Business Internships
Dear Mr. Wilson,
My neighbor Debra Young suggested I write to you. She thought you might
be willing to share your advice on finding an internship in the music
business. I am graduating from Ballard High School, and I am starting the
music business program at California State University in Northridge
(CSUN) in the fall. Until then, I am available for a few weeks this summer
and would like to get some industry experience.
I have good computer skills, and I am open to lots of experiences. I would
prefer a paid internship, but I am open to some volunteering too. I live in
Seattle.
Would you be willing to talk with me on the phone or meet with me? My
cell number is [number], and you can text or email me. Thank you!
Dwight Bell
Dwights polite introduction includes these parts:
A referral from someone Mr. Wilson presumably knows
A reason for the message
A self-introduction, including what Dwight is looking for
A specific request
Contact information
If Dwight did not know someone who could introduce or refer him to Mr. Wilson, he
might have opened this way:

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Dear Mr. Wilson,

In research on the Internet, I learned that you are a local expert in the music
business. You have worked on Folklife, Bumbershoot, and other music
festivals. I am writing to you as someone who might be willing to share
your advice on finding an internship in the music business.
When you email a stranger to introduce yourself, be clear about your reason for writing.
Do you want advice from the other person? Would you like an answer to a question?
Would you like to have coffee to discuss a business challenge? Know what you want so
you can make your request clear.
Too often people introducing themselves to strangers put very little effort into the
message. For example, they send this low-effort standard request for a connection on
LinkedIn: Id like to add you to my professional network on LinkedIn. The recipient of
this invitation from a stranger has little or no idea why the stranger wants to make a
connection or why the recipient might want one. Currently, the recipients only choice on
the free version of LinkedIn is to accept or ignore the request. Rather than connecting with
strangers about whom they know nothing, many people do nothing.
Yes, the strangers first and last names are included with the request. The recipient
could do an Internet search or even a LinkedIn search to try to find out something about
him or her. But why do that work without a good reason to connect with someone?
If you want to connect with a stranger professionally, write your request so that the
other person will feel positive about connecting with you. Your introduction need not be
elaborate. Consider this example, which fits within LinkedIns length restrictions:
Hello Leslie.
I need to institute 360 feedback at our hospital. According to your profile,
you have plenty of experience with 360 in health care. May I connect with
you about best practices? In return, Id be happy to share info on our
innovative onboarding program.
Jeni Smith [Title, Hospital name]
The request makes it clear what the individuals have in common (their human resources
roles in health care) and how the individuals may mutually benefit from the connection.
Such a specific request usually wins acceptance.
Introducing Yourself in Business Support Groups and Forums
If you participate in online or in-person groups designed to help you professionally, your
introduction to the other members can help you kindle valuable business relationships.
Typically an effective introduction lets people know who you are, what you seek, and
what you have to offer.
In the following message, Caroline Grimm introduced herself online to the Book
Authors Circle, a support group to help authors write and publish successfully, run by
Susan Daffron.
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My name is Caroline Grimm. I live in the Great State of Maine, where I

spend a lot of time shoveling snow. Its a hobby Im looking forward to
giving up soon.
Since I was a kid, Ive been writing. I made up stories for my younger
brother and sisters to entertain them or comfort them. When I was in junior
high school, I spent my summers researching various topics (composers,
poets, etc.) and then wrote research papers on my findings. Did I mention it
was summer vacation? Clearly, I needed to get outside more.
Im the author of two business books: Stop the Cash Flow Roller Coaster,
I Want to Get Off! and Strength in Numbers: The Entrepreneurs Field
Guide to Small Business Finances. Ive written a number of businessrelated articles.
Im working on my third book: The Small Church Survival Guide, based
on a campaign I spearheaded to keep my childhood church from closing.
The goal is to have that done by November of 2009 (hows that going?).
[Caroline was writing this introduction in 2011.]
I have an unusual relationship with a church mouse named Perley. He
writes stories, and I help him compile them into books. He has two books
published: Dear Church Folks Letters from Perley and Gods Own
Mouse More Letters from Perley . He is working on his third book,
which I think will be published by the end of this year. Susan was kind
enough to let Perley join the Book Authors Circle for free.
Im also working on a novel based on the real-life diary of a young woman
who lived in my town. It takes place between the years 1857 and 1862. I
call her a cross between Jane Austen and Scarlett OHara. Fascinating
story of a very difficult time in our history.
Looking forward to meeting everyone and supporting each others goals
and progress!
Caroline
Caroline Grimm, MBA
Author of Stop the Cash Flow Roller Coaster, I Want to Get Off!
www.CashFlowRollerCoaster.com
Like every good introduction, Carolines is tailored to her audience in her case,
other authors. Her introduction would be very different if she were writing to a group of
Maine entrepreneurs or to church members wanting to keep their church doors open. She
included enough content to give new group members a good sense of who she is and what
she has to offer the group. Her introduction sparkles with evidence of her wit and her
comical self-deprecation.
Compare the introduction below of Deb Arnold, whom I mentioned earlier in this
chapter. Deb posted her introduction on the online discussion forum of Marcia Yudkins
Marketing for More program.
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Hello to all,
Im an entrepreneur for the second time around (taking a break to go to
business school and work in corporate America). With 20+ years of
experience in marketing communications, I specialize in internal
communications for large companies and have niche specialization in
helping companies apply for and win industry awards. Its with this
expertise that I hope to build my information empire, or at least a modest
jurisdiction.
Born in the Midwest and raised in upstate New York, I have also lived in
New York City, Jerusalem, Tel Aviv, and Madrid. Now in Seattle, I enjoy
travel, art, music, and nurturing my inner outdoors person.
Thanks in advance for your insights and wisdom.
Deb
Like Caroline, Deb offers specific information that makes her unique in the readers
mind, for example, her niche specialization. Her 20 years of experience show that she has
something to offer the group, yet she welcomes the insights of the other participants in the
forum. Its a strong, yet modest introduction.
Tips for Introducing Yourself to a Group in Writing
When you have the opportunity to build relationships in an online support group or forum,
apply these tips to your introduction:
Share information about your professional experience. In a professional
introduction, that is what people expect from you.
Leave out irrelevant information, or people may focus on it instead of what you really
want them to know. For example, if you were introducing yourself as a new member of a
professional chefs group, you would leave out your masters degree in religious studies
unless it tied to your cooking expertise.
Share at least one detail about your personal life that others can relate to, for
example, Carolines shoveling snow in Maine, and Debs living in Jerusalem and Tel
Aviv. Make it specific enough to be memorable or meaningful. For example, rather than I
love sports, say, You can find me on the tennis court or the golf course every week.
Instead of, My hobby is spending time with my family, say, My hobby is keeping up
with my 5-year-old twin boys.
Dont share too much. Even if you have had a 30-year career, people will normally
take just a minute to read your introduction. Limit it to one double-spaced page or a large
screen. Much less than that can do the job and be appealing. Remember: If you want to
build relationships, you need to come across as a person not as a resume recitation.
Avoid bragging. To share accomplishments without coming across as haughty, use
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language such as I was gratified to or I had the good fortune to. Or use Caroline
Grimms approach, interjecting one or two self-effacing comments among your successes.
Responding to the Introductions of Others
To help launch business relationships, take time to respond to other peoples
introductions. Kathy Goughenour, another entrepreneur participating in the Marketing for
More (MfM) program, responded to Deb Arnolds introduction this way:
Deb,
You are a world traveler! It sounds like youve had an exciting life. As a
fellow escapee from the corporate world, I applaud you for taking the
plunge and jumping back into the entrepreneurial pool. I look forward to
getting to know you better.
Welcome to MfM!
Kathy Goughenour
Become a VA or Hire a VA
www.expertVAtraining.com
Even though Kathys reply is short, it does exactly what it needs to do: acknowledge
Debs introduction and create a connection between them. Kathy makes that connection by
mentioning something they have in common, being escapees from the corporate world.
I Am Pleased to Introduce
Whose introduction will you write? Do you want to introduce two individuals who have
much in common? Will you announce a new employee to your organization? Perhaps you
will introduce yourself to a professional group or to an individual in your community or
across the globe. Whether you introduce yourself or other people, you are quite likely to
benefit from the good will you create. Why not write an introduction today?

Personal Reflection
Have you ever introduced people or yourself in a written message? If so, how did
you benefit from the introduction? If not, how might you benefit intangibly or
materially from making an introduction?
Next Step
Read the final paragraph of this chapter. Decide on one introduction to make, and add
the task to your calendar to complete within the next week.

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CHAPTER 8

In Your Job Search: Write Messages That Build

Relationships and Create Opportunities
If you needed to cross a wide, rushing river on a blustery day, would you cross by one of
many available bridges or would you swim, gasping and flailing, to the other side?
You would use a bridge, right? Unless you were training for a triathlon or testing yourself
in extreme sports, it would be crazy to try to swim across when you could cross by bridge.
Using your relationships to help you find a job or a client is the same as using a bridge
to cross a swirling river. Rather than struggling on your own, exhausting yourself in the
process, you can use your personal and professional networks as bridges to your goal.
Getting the job or client may still be a huge challenge, but it will be easier and faster to
achieve your goal with your contacts helping you.
Many people do use their relationships as such bridges. In my survey on business
writing and relationships, 86 percent of respondents indicated that they had used
networking at least once or twice to find a job, client, or customer; 34 percent said they
had used it many times. One commented, The last four positions Ive been in have come
about purely due to relationships/networking.
In this chapter, you will learn to write messages that help you maintain relationships
and use them as bridges during the challenging period of looking for a job. By using such
bridges rather than floundering on your own, you can more easily reach your career goals.
Although the chapter focuses on using networking to get a job rather than to acquire
clients, you can use similar messages to get clients and customers.
My longtime business associate Lynn Takaki was celebrating a new job as I worked on
this chapter. Lynn agreed to share her relationship-building messages, from leaving her
job, through the process of looking for a new position, and finally to landing one. Her
messages, along with other models, will help you recognize effective ways to reach out to
your network during your job search, at a time when many people feel vulnerable and
uncomfortable. The chapter covers Lynns and other peoples messages, including
announcements that you are leaving a job, requests for help in your job search, thank-yous
for support, updates on your search, and announcements of your new job.
When Your Job Ends: Announcements That You Are Leaving
Maintaining and using your relationships in a job search begins as soon as you realize you
will be looking for a new job. Your friends and contacts must be aware that you are in the
job market, readying yourself to cross that raging river, to help you negotiate it. The first
message you are likely to send is an announcement that you are leaving your job.
I learned from Lynn Takaki that she would be looking for a new job when I received
this first-rate email from her:

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Subject: A Message From Lynn Takaki

Dear Valued Business Partners and Friends,
After 14 wonderful years at ABC Company, I will be leaving at the end of
this year. This is due to the elimination of the VP, Human Resources role
and consolidation with the parent companys regional structure.
I am grateful for the opportunity to have served ABC employees, the
company, and the community. This would not have been possible without
you my many valued business partners and friends. I am proud of the
work we have done to create a culture where ABC has the highest
employee engagement levels globally, even exceeding external
benchmarks.
Your support and friendship throughout the years have sustained and
inspired me. THANK YOU many times over.
If I can ever be of assistance to you, please call upon me. My contact
information is below.
With gratitude,
Lynn
Lynn Takaki
[Cell phone number]
[Personal email address]
Vice President, Human Resources
ABC Incorporated
[Work phone number, work fax number]
[Work email]
In this next excellent message, I learned from a client I had worked with for several
years that she was leaving her job:
Subject: Update
Lynn,
Just a quick email to let you know that Friday, July 10, will be my last day
at XYZ. Im heading off to new adventures (not even sure what they are
yet, but trust me, they will be wonderful). It has been a joy to work with
you during my time here. You are such a warm and engaging individual,
and I sincerely hope that we can stay in touch and find future opportunities
to work together.
Going forward, Debbie [Last name] ([email protected]) and Liz [Last
name] ([email protected]) will be coordinating the logistics for Learning &
Development courses. Feel free to contact them with any questions
regarding offering Business Writing Tune-up courses in the future. Ill be
providing them with your contact information as well.
I wish great success for you in your own adventures! Please let me know if
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I can ever be of service to you.

See you on Facebook and/or LinkedIn.
All the best!
Marie R. Kelly | Human Resources
XYZ Company
Lynns and Maries messages do a beautiful job of announcing their departure, Lynns
to a group and Maries just to me. Notice these strengths in their messages:
A positive tone. Although both womens jobs had been eliminated, they used positive
language to communicate. Lynns message sparkles with words such as wonderful,
grateful, opportunity, valued, a n d proud. Maries message glows with wonderful
adventures, joy, and opportunities. People are naturally drawn to positive energy, and
these messages draw their readers to Lynn and Marie.
Absence of negativity. Not one negative word appears in either message. Neither
woman blames the company for her situation. Although readers may have wondered how
optimistic the women felt, both chose to come across positively rather than focusing on the
negative aspects of job loss.
Connection with readers. Both women solidified their relationships with their readers.
Lynn focused much of her message on her business partners and friends, liberally
thanking them for their support and friendship and the good work they have done. In
Maries message to me, she honored me with her warm words, including, It has been a
joy to work with you during my time here. As I read them, I smiled, thinking, How nice
of Marie! and remembering our interactions.
Offer of help. Interestingly, even though both women were losing their jobs, they
offered their help. Lynn wrote, If I can ever be of assistance to you, please call upon me.
Marie told me, Please let me know if I can ever be of service to you. Beyond that,
Marie gave me the names and email addresses of people to contact to continue working at
her company. Communicating their interest in others at a time when their work world was
radically changing came across as confident and generous.
Contact information. Both Lynn and Marie indicated their desire to stay in touch. Lynn
shared her personal contact information; Marie invited me to connect on social media.
Thoughtfulness. Rather than leaving their associates in the dark, both women took the
time to let people know they were leaving the company. In Maries case, I felt honored
that she had singled me out for a personal message, especially during a time that must have
been stressful for her.
Here is another fine example of an announcement of job loss. It is by Charlie Gadzik, a
communications manager, who was saying goodbye to his colleagues and a few people
outside the firm. The difference in Charlies message is that he was already negotiating a
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job at another firm, although he was not ready to name the company.
Subject: Farewell
Friends:
After 13 years during which I dodged multiple downsizings, my luck has
run out. My last day at ABC Company is Friday, Aug. 1.
Its been a great ride. There hasnt been a day when I havent looked
forward to coming to work. ABC has a wonderful story to tell, and Ive
enjoyed telling it. ABC also has terrific people. Im thankful for the
opportunities Ive had to work alongside you and become friends.
The good news is that after a bit of vacation, I expect to transition directly
to a job with another company in the Seattle area. That should make it
easier for our paths to cross again. I hope they do.
Charlie
My company email box will be active until Sept. 30. Ill check it
periodically. You can also reach me at:
[Home email]
[Home phone]
LinkedIn.com
Lynn, Marie, and Charlie were all leaving their jobs because of company restructuring
or downsizing. But what if the reason you are leaving is more complicated than that?
Perhaps you have not been able to meet performance goals or you and your new boss have
not gotten along. Does that information belong in your departure announcement? No! Such
negative information should not appear in writing. As in Maries message, you can simply
omit the reason for your leaving. Or you can touch gently on the reason for leaving, as this
opening does:
Subject: In Career Transition
Dear Friends and Associates,
Friday was my last day as public relations manager at XYZ Company.
During my five years there, I had many great experiences overseeing
strategic media opportunities, managing crisis communications, and
publicizing the companys environmental stewardship and community
involvement. However, with the new direction Communications is moving
in at XYZ, it is a good time for me to make a career move.
The words the new direction Communications is moving in communicate neutrality.
In contrast, the statements My new boss and I do not agree on the vision for PR and I
cant get along with my new boss would communicate negativity and conflict.
The following negative model shows what NOT to do in a message announcing the end
of a job:

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Subject: Gone but Not Forgotten?

Dear Associates and Friends (you know which you are),
Well, (sh)it happened. My new boss decided he wants to bring in a
programmer from his former company, someone who understands him.
(Good luck with that, Bill!)
Therefore, Friday is my last day I mean my last day at work. (I hope its
not my VERY LAST DAY.)
Expect me to call you so I can mooch meals and lattes off you until I snag
my next position. Speaking of which if you come across any jobs that
suit my abundant talents, let me know please PLEASE!
Until we meet again (as Dale and Roy used to sing),
Bruce
Bruces message simmers with negativity in words such as gone, forgotten, (sh)it,
mooch, and snag. Although some of his associates and friends might enjoy his snarky
message, for others the message may be proof of why Bruce is out of a job.
If you are feeling awkward or timid about letting people know you have lost your job,
consider Lynn Takakis suggestion about seeing yourself as a product. As a vice president
of human resources and someone who had hired thousands of people, Lynn told me: I was
not shy about letting people know that I was looking for a new job. An important aspect of
any job search is to let people know. Basically, you are marketing yourself. How do you
market a product without some form of advertising or communication?
Step One is to let people know that you, the product, are available.
Tips for Job-Departure Announcements
Apply these tips when you write messages to business associates and friends to let them
know you are leaving your job:
Include the basic information that you are leaving or have left your job. Do not go
into detail about the reason for your leaving, unless it is for a promotion or an exciting
opportunity. Dont share the reason if it presents you or others in a negative light.
Stay positive. Use the positive language included in this chapter to avoid sinking into
job-loss negativity. Even if you feel horrible, keep your message upbeat to attract positive
things into your life.
Thank your readers for the ways in which they have helped you, if appropriate.
Your graciousness is likely to make your readers feel honored and happy to know you.
Offer ways for people to stay in contact with you. Include contact information they
can use once you have left your job.
Mention your next steps, if appropriate, and let people know how they can help. For
instance, if you are seeking a job in a specific geographical region, make your contacts
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aware of your goal so they can consider who or what they know that could help you.
Avoid sarcasm unless you know it suits every one of your readers. Sarcasm typically
comes across as negative.
Remember that email out-of-office messages are another type of job-departure
announcement. Although they are typically short, think of them as a way to connect with
others too, as long as that purpose is acceptable to your employer. Here is an example:
With the sale of the company, my position has been eliminated effective
July 25. All questions about property taxes are being handled by Randy
Rose at [email address].
I am looking for a position in another corporate real estate department. If
you would like to contact me with leads or ideas, please use my cell
phone: [number].
Best regards,
Jesus Morales
Involving Friends and Associates: Requests for Help in Your Job Search
When you are between jobs, you may feel awkward asking for help. You may feel
insignificant and powerless without the symbols of your success things like your office
or other work place, company car and phone, state-of-the-art tools, business cards, an
expense account or a steady income, and people reporting to you and asking your advice.
Such feelings are often the natural consequence of being unemployed when you have not
chosen the circumstances.
Its important to recognize that most people find it satisfying to help others in their job
search. Rather than watching a friend or an associate struggle across the roiling river, they
want to serve as a bridge to a new job or career. And although they would be delighted to
help, they may not always know how and may not want to seem intrusive. By reaching out
and involving them, you can help them help you and simultaneously nurture your
relationships.
These emails will give you the idea of how to reach out.
Requests to Meet for Advice
Lynn Takaki reached out to many people for guidance. Below is her email to a vice
president of human resources, a friend of one of her former team members.
Subject: Networking referral through Peter [Last name]
Hi Michael,
I am contacting you at the suggestion of Peter [Last name]. Pete and I
worked together at ABC, before the VP, HR position was eliminated and
consolidated into the parent companys HR structure. Pete thought you
might give me some insights on the job market and resources that may be
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useful as I begin my job search.

Would it be possible to meet at your convenience? I am fairly open next
week, other than Monday and Tuesday lunch hours and Friday morning
through lunch. The following week of April 1620 is wide open.
Thanks much and best regards,
Lynn Takaki
[Cell number]
[LinkedIn profile address]
Michael agreed to meet with Lynn. Throughout her job search, he referred many job
leads to her, along with referrals to key contacts who had been helpful to him in his job
search. All that support began with Lynns email to him.
In the two messages below, job seekers ask professional contacts to meet with them. Of
course, the writers could get information and advice from their contacts by phone or
email. But in-person meetings, which provide opportunities to connect on a social level,
can strengthen relationships.
Subject: Working on My Job-Search Strategy
Dear Professor Davis,
I am writing to request your advice on my job-search strategy. As you
know, I left the Army in June, after several tours in the Middle East as a
medic. I could really use help in figuring out how to present my work
experience in a way that stateside civilians will understand. Because you
have made that transition, I thought of you.
Would you meet with me to talk about ways to package my experience and
determine possible jobs to target? My schedule is open next week on
Wednesday through Friday if you are free then.
I look forward to hearing from you.
Sincerely,
Rita Oakes
[Cell phone number]
Subject: Lunch and your ideas
Hi Laura. Having left XYZ last month, I am starting to think about what I
want in my next position. Do you have time for lunch sometime soon to
help me sharpen my focus? I am interested in so many things it would
help to hear your candid responses to some of my ideas.
Please let me know a couple of dates that work for you, and we can
schedule.
Best,
Dan

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Requests for Feedback on a Resume

Its always a good idea to test-run your resume before submitting it for a position. These
examples effectively ask for feedback.
Subject: Requesting Feedback on My Resume
Hi, Rick. I hope all is well with you. I am getting ready to send out my
resume for some sales and service jobs in our industry, and I would
appreciate your feedback.
Of anyone I know, you are most aware of my skills and strengths in sales
and service. Would you be willing to review my resume to be sure I have
done a good job describing my experience? Also, if there is anything in the
resume that could come across stronger, I would appreciate knowing about
it.
My resume is attached. If you have feedback to share, I will appreciate it.
Chad
Subject: A Quick Review of My Resume
Dear Karen,
You are the most experienced HR person I know, and I value your opinion.
Would you be willing to give my resume a quick look and let me know
your first impression?
Is there anything that comes across as less than professional? I want to be
sure to make the best impression I can.
Feel free to email or call me, whatever is convenient for you. I welcome
your honest opinion.
With thanks and best regards,
Dorette
Both of the previous messages are specific about the kind of feedback the writer wants;
neither asks too much of its reader. Please review my resume and give me detailed
feedback might be too broad a request, suggesting the reader needs to commit significant
time and effort. Both messages also come across positively, with words such as ready,
appreciate, skills, strengths, value, and convenient.
Requests for Help to Approach a Specific Company
If you are interested in working at a specific company, you can ask contacts to make
introductions to people or to provide information that will make you a more
knowledgeable applicant. The emails below make such requests. Notice that they include
brief personal content, which acknowledges and helps to maintain the relationship.
Subject: Contacts at XYZ Company
Hi Gary. How is everything? I hope you are enjoying your new lakeside
cottage this summer.
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I have applied for a job in Consumer Service at XYZ. Knowing that you
worked there for many years, I was wondering whether you could suggest
someone who could give me background on the customer-service issues
people face there. Or is there anyone in Consumer Service you might
contact to put in a good word for me?
If you have any suggestions or contacts for me, please let me know. I will
call you next week if we havent connected before then.
Best,
Christopher
Subject: Ways to approach XYZ Company (& blueberry cheesecake)
Hi, Carolyn. I created a list of the top 10 companies I would like to work
for in our region. One of them is XYZ. Since they are a client of yours, I
wondered whether you could suggest people I might network with there. Is
there anyone at XYZ you could introduce me to?
Also, attached is the recipe you requested, just in time for blueberry
season. Enjoy!
Elizabeth
Lynn Takaki responded to an email of mine in which I had sent her some job listings I
was not sure she routinely received. In her response, she mentioned a company she was
seeking information about:
Hi Lynn,
Yes, I do receive these. Thank you for thinking of me and asking. I need
lots of help so I really appreciate hearing from you!
I recently applied for the VP, HR job at ABC. I know you used to do
training for them. Do you happen to know anyone there now?
Best to you and thanks again,
Lynn
If you live in a new area and have few local contacts, be sure to ask your contacts from
other areas about people they know in your new locale. Career consultant Jerry
Schlagenhauf loves to tell this story: A woman from Maryland lets call her Kari
had moved to Seattle and felt she had no contacts to introduce her to Seattle-area
companies. With Jerrys wise prompting, Kari asked her contacts in other places to help
her. A friend living in southeast Africa, in Mozambique, ended up introducing Kari by
email to several Seattle-area contacts. One of those introductions led to a job. The lesson
is this: No limits! Let your mind think boundlessly about the people who might connect you
with others.
Requests to People You Do Not Know Yet
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One way to expand your network is to reach out to people you dont know yet, which these
two messages do effectively:
Subject: Advice on Launching My Career
Dear Ms. Blake,
Last month I graduated with a degree in communications and English from
XYZ University. Researching on the web, I learned that you have
established a successful writing business in the area.
Would you be willing to share your advice with me on how I might focus
my job search? I have heard there are many highly experienced writers and
editors searching for jobs, and I would like advice on how a recent
graduate can get started.
I will call your office next week to request a meeting. In the meantime, if
you want to learn more about me, I have attached my resume.
Best regards,
Jason Crane, [cell phone number]
Subject: Networking Request
Hello, Pierre. I read your article in Philanthropy Today on using social
media as development tools. I was very impressed with your combination
of traditional approaches and cutting-edge communications.
I noticed that you are based in Austin, where I am moving next month. I am
leaving Chicago, where I have worked for three years as development
officer for the XYZ Theater Company.
Would you have time by phone or in person to talk about how to get
connected in Austin? I would appreciate suggestions or referrals to help
me become established in the development community.
I have attached my resume to give you a sense of my background.
I look forward to hearing from you.
Beth Hall, [cell phone number]
Tips for Job Seekers Requests
Apply these tips, which the previous examples illustrate, to write requests that get positive
responses:
Include normal courtesies such as please, thank you, and appreciate. Courtesy
shows that you value the individual and your relationship.
Make reasonable requests. For instance, ask for a review of one resume, not several
versions. Ask for a contact at one or two companies, not ten. Limiting your request makes
it doable and satisfying rather than burdensome.
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Be flexible about timing. Keep in mind that you probably have more unstructured time
than the other person does.
Indicate why you are asking the specific individual for help. That way, he or she will
recognize how to be helpful. Also, such information establishes or solidifies your
relationship. Avoid generic requests, ones that could be sent to anyone.
Use positive language to communicate positively and professionally. Keep your
message free of negative thoughts and feelings unless your contact is one who would relate
to those feelings. Although you may feel discouraged, disgruntled, or fearful, you dont
want such feelings to make someone wary of engaging with you.
Take initiative. If an individual offers to meet you at XYZ Bakery and Coffee Spot, do
not automatically reply, asking for the address of XYZ. Take steps to find it yourself rather
than create work for the other person.
The Messages That Make Others Feel Good: Thank-Yous for Support
After you have received the advice, feedback, suggestions, referrals, and encouragement
from your contacts, thank-yous will sustain your relationships. Thanks-yous remind the
people in your network how useful they have been and how much they enjoyed helping
you. Your gratefulness may also inspire individuals to do more.
Lynn Takaki shared several thank-yous with me; I chose two to include here. This first
example is to an executive search firm recruiter Lynn met through networking. Her last
comment refers to the fact that Randy was moving his office.
Subject: Sincere thanks, Randy!
Randy,
I truly enjoyed meeting you today and appreciate you taking the time to
discuss my work history and experience. I hope we can talk again so that I
may learn more about you and your practice. From what I experienced of
you this morning, it is evident that you take a very personal approach and
care about your candidates as much as you care about your client
companies. I like that!
As I move forward in this process, I hope we can continue to be in touch.
Please let me know if you have any ideas for me to be effective in my
search, and if there is anything I can do to assist you, I hope you will call
upon me (except Im not a heavy lifter of moving boxes good luck with
that!).
Best regards,
Lynn
In Lynns message below, she follows up on a lunch in which a network contact
arranged a meeting with one of his executive contacts. She thanked them both.

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Subject: Sincere thanks

Dave and Greg,
You both made my day yesterday. A lovely lunch in town and your great
company and conversation gave me a lift.
Dave, thanks for the gracious introduction to Greg and the opportunity to
connect and collaborate.
Greg, thanks for your ideas around my transition and search. I highly value
your perspective, and I hope that going forward, we will cross paths again.
Please also give my best to Jennifer.
As follow-up, I am attaching my resume. I appreciate any leads, contacts,
or information that may come to you. I hope that you, too, will contact me if
there is any way I may assist you. I feel blessed to have met so many
wonderful people on this journey, and having you both in my network of
contacts means a lot to me.
I am out of town next week for a family visit with my sisters in Chicago.
You helped to close out a good week and start my vacation on a
celebratory note. Sincere thanks again to each of you.
Best,
Lynn
Did you notice how specific each thank-you was? Lynn told me about her intentions for
the messages: I tried to be very sincere and authentic and to not do the perfunctory
communications that dont show a sincere attitude. Messages like Thank you very much. I
appreciate your time. Best regards would never work for me on the receiving end, and I
certainly didnt want to be one who delivers messages in that way. She added, My
follow-up messages were very prompt and personalized and reinforced the relationship
that I was trying to build with each individual.
Your thank-yous can be specific and sincere without being as detailed as Lynns
admirable messages. Consider the thank-yous that follow. The first two are emails; the last
two are handwritten notes.
Subject: Thanks for Your Help!
Dear Shaaz,
Thank you for meeting with me to talk about my job search. Your ideas
about working as a virtual assistant have me intrigued and excited. I will
sit down this afternoon to review the websites you recommended.
I appreciate your kind offer to stay in touch and continue to share ideas.
You will hear from me!
With thanks and best regards,
Jenn
Subject: Thank You, Sydney!
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It was super of you to give me resume feedback. I have made every change
you suggested, and the new version looks and sounds very professional,
thanks to your sharp eye and good ideas.
Thank you for investing your time in me and my job search. It is much
appreciated!
Go Sounders!
Maryam
[LinkedIn page]
[Cell phone]
Dear Mr. Miller,
Thank you for introducing me to Dee Dee Larson and Annie Tram. Dee
Dee and I met yesterday, and she was very helpful with advice about how
to stand out as an applicant. She even offered to meet me again to practice
interviewing.
Annie Tram and I have an appointment to talk on the phone next week. I
look forward to getting her perspective on opportunities in advertising.
I really appreciate that you shared your contacts with me.
Sincerely,
Krystal Hammond
Dear Carrie,
Thank you so much for treating me to a delicious lunch and sharing your
wonderful, supportive thoughts on my search. Both were very nourishing!
I will take to heart all you shared, and I promise to stay positive and
focused. I know an excellent job is out there with my name on it, and I will
find it.
Thanks for lending me the latest Sandra Brown thriller. I cannot wait to
read it!
Yours,
Carmen
Tips for Thank-Yous
Apply these tips to write gracious, professional thank-yous that nurture your relationships:
Write your thank-you promptly, within a few days. Dont feel you need to take action
on the individuals advice or information before expressing your thanks. That might take
too long and might lead to a combined thank-you/apology.
Be specific. Mention the particular advice, critique, information, or other support you
received, along with how it is beneficial to you.

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Let thank you take center stage in the message. Do not just add a perfunctory
thanks to a message in which you have asked for something.
Use email or another electronic means of communication, or send a note by post. A
thank-you note or card that comes by mail often gets more attention than a note on a screen,
but thank-yous are welcome in any form.
Dont miss the opportunity to say thanks. Your contacts may notice that you have not
followed the normal courtesies, and the lapse may reduce their enthusiasm for helping you
again.
Avoid trying to sell yourself hard. This message is a thank-you, not a sales pitch. If
you find yourself listing your accomplishments or asking for a job interview, you are going
too far.
Keeping Your Network Informed: Updates on Your Search
If you want your network to continue to help you cross the swirling river of your job
search, you need to keep them informed. It is not enough to let people know you are
looking and then talk or meet with them once or twice. After those first contacts, people
want to know what is happening: Have you found a job? Are you still looking? Have you
changed your goals or priorities?
This message, which Lynn Takaki emailed to about 300 contacts, shows how to update
people on your search:
Dear Valued Colleagues and Friends:
I hope this note finds each of you well and now that fall is finally upon
us, I thought it was time for an update. I wanted to let you know Im
continuing to seek an HR leadership or consulting opportunity where I can
assist an organization in leveraging their human resources activities for
maximum competitive advantage.
Over the past few months of my journey through the career transition
process, Ive been greatly energized and inspired by your assistance and
support, and would appreciate it if youd continue to think of me for any
appropriate networking opportunities or job leads you may come across
relative to my expertise.
While I hope it goes without saying, if there is anything I can do to assist
you in return or any introductions I can make on your behalf, through my
network, please let me know.
All the best and again, my deepest thanks for your ongoing friendship and
support!
Lynn
[Cell phone number]
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[LinkedIn profile]
Of the approximately 300 people to whom Lynn sent her update, about 100 responded.
Of those 100, about 50 offered suggestions or a referral. Two of the referrals led directly
to Lynn getting a job offer less than one month later. She explained what happened:
I sent out the update, and I heard back from a number of people in my
network about different opportunities, different leads, people I might want
to call. And I happened to get an email from a former colleague who was
aware of an opportunity, and he let me know about it. He also knew people
in the company who were hiring and he gave them my resume. Had I not
sent that email out, I dont know whether he would have thought of me.
Lynn believes that being introduced through a professional contact made her a strong
applicant for the position. She said, I think that my candidacy carried much more weight
because of that personal relationship and the familiarity with me, my work, and my
history.
Interestingly, a second person in Lynns network, a recruiter, also let Lynn know about
the job opening she eventually filled. The recruiter was able to share a lot of information
about the company, its leadership, and the position. Having two people give her
information about the company (her original contact and the recruiter) helped Lynn decide
that the company was right for her. She explained, These individuals were able to speak
very highly of the hiring manager, the CEO, and the company, so there was immediate
credibility from my perspective. The personal introduction actually worked both ways.
These positive connections inspired by Lynns email update to her network all
led to Lynns getting the offer and accepting the position. (Note: Lynn thanks her career
consultant Matt Youngquist, Career Horizons LLC, for his input on the update.)
Despite Lynns success story, you may be thinking about the possible embarrassment of
writing to people after months of looking for a job, with no tangible success. I asked Lynn
whether she had felt awkward or embarrassed writing to people, given that many months
had passed since she had begun her search. She explained that her problem was not
embarrassment, but rather a worry about bothering people:
I was not concerned about being embarrassed. I knew when I started the
endeavor that it was going to take awhile for me. However, I had thought
about sending an update to my network earlier than when I actually did
send it. I felt a little bit of reluctance and hesitation because I didnt want
to be a bother. Then I thought back to my own personal experience, and I
realized that its not a bother. People wonder: Whatever happened to
Lynn? Where is she? I remembered that, in fact, a lot of people had asked
to be kept apprised of my progress. I also realized that my agenda was not
always going to be top of mind for everyone else, so it is natural to do
reminders and updates. Even though I hesitated and worked through that, I
was actually thanked for the update many times.
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Lynn and I share a pet peeve. Like me, she becomes annoyed when she spends time
offering advice, referrals, or information to new acquaintances who are in a job search
and then never hears from them again. Although such relationships begin with a lot of
promise, they end because individuals do not sustain them with occasional contact by
email or phone.
Dont let embarrassment or reluctance get in your way of continuing to build
relationships as you look for a job. Send updates to keep people involved in your search.
Depending on the length (or projected length) of your job search, you may comfortably
update your network monthly, every other month, or quarterly whenever you feel that it
is time to check in with people again.
Here is another great email update, written by a recent college graduate named
Cameron Deuel to the people in his professional network. Cameron sent it just before
Halloween, as you can tell from the message.
Subject: The Great American Job Search
Happy Halloweekend,
I want to thank you again for meeting with me during my job search and for
your advantageous guidance. Since we have not spoken for a few weeks, I
want to update you on how my job search is going.
Since we last talked, I have continued to meet with four to six
professionals per week to gain insight on how to remain a visible job
candidate and to learn more about different career paths I might take. I have
also put together a digital portfolio of my strongest writing samples, which
can be found here [link]. After learning about different possible routes, I
have decided to search primarily for an entry-level content writing or
editing position because I am capable of producing quality content at a
significant pace.
I have been in touch with a few staffing agencies, one of which focuses
primarily on hiring contractual workers for ABC Inc. Though I am
comforted by the thought of my information in the hands of recruiters, I find
informational interviews to be immensely valuable. Every meeting leaves
me feeling optimistic about whats to come, and I am constantly learning
about new, crucial skills.
Additionally, I have applied to volunteer with 826 Seattle [link], a
nonprofit writing and tutoring center that focuses on many aspects of
education, including creative writing. I am looking forward to attending
their volunteer orientation next weekend to learn more about how I can
donate my time.
I hope you are having a relaxing weekend before the holiday season starts
up and I thank you again for your generosity. I hope this message finds you
well and I look forward to speaking soon.
Sincerely,
Cameron Deuel
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[Phone number]
[LinkedIn profile]
As you can see, Camerons message is different from Lynns in its level of detail.
Lynns quick update stated that she was still in the job market and would welcome
continued referrals for a leadership-level position. In contrast, the young job seeker built
the credibility he needed by informing people of the creative things he was doing in his
job search and by providing work samples. Both updates suited their audience and
purpose well.
Here is another sample update, which shows how to keep people engaged in your jobsearch process. This email illustrates how to inform your network of a major change in
your plan.
Subject: Starting a Design Business
Dear Friend,
After getting excellent advice from you and the many others who are
receiving this email, I have decided to start my own business rather than
work for a company. I will still work as a graphic designer, but I will
work independently. I feel very excited and pleased about this decision.
As you can imagine, I have many steps ahead: choosing a business name,
deciding on a niche or niches, creating a website, and pulling together my
portfolio to name just a few. As I go through these steps, I will almost
certainly contact you for suggestions and feedback, but feel free to share
ideas now. Eventually, I will ask you to help me spread the word and to
consider hiring me for graphic design projects you may choose not to
handle yourself.
I wanted to let you know my decision promptly, and the easiest way was a
group message. I hope to follow up with you personally as things evolve.
My best wishes,
Thalia
[Cell phone number]
You can also send updates to individuals in your network. In these examples, notice that
each one shares upbeat information of interest to the reader.
Subject: Checking in
Hey Dan.
Just wanted to check in and tell you I have been applying your good advice.
I am focusing on my activity and output, which I CAN control, rather than
results, which I cant.
As you suggested, I have been setting weekly goals. Im keeping track of
networking contacts, professional meetings, resumes sent out, etc., and I
feel very good about reaching my goals each week. I am certain these
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efforts will lead to interviews and eventually the right opportunity.

Thanks for such a great suggestion. Keep em coming!
Best,
Hank
Subject: A Helpful Read
Hi Caroline. I have read a terrific book I wanted to tell you about. Its
called Brag: The Art of Tooting Your Own Horn Without Blowing It.
Because you and I have talked about the challenges of bragging in
interviews and meetings, I thought of you while reading it.
The author, Peggy Klaus, has very practical suggestions. You can get an
idea of her style at her website: www.bragbetter.com.
I have now begun bragging in interviews, and it almost feels natural. I
will be sure to do some bragging with you the next time we meet!
Warm regards,
Pia
The next update ties to the Thanksgiving holiday and is written on a greeting card. Think
of holidays and special occasions as additional opportunities to update your network.
Around Thanksgiving, Chanukah, Christmas, and New Years Day, you can send a greeting
to every person you talked with who offered help in your career search during the year,
whether that talk was in person, by phone, or by email. Even though sending printed cards
is an expense, think of it as an investment in your professional network. In your message,
let people know you are still looking for a job.
John, thank you for your advice on my job-search this year. I am grateful
for your creative suggestions, and I feel confident that I will find the right
opportunity as a substance abuse or grief counselor in the coming months. I
will keep you posted.
Happy Thanksgiving to you, your colleagues, and your family!
Stacey Brown
Tips for Job-Search Updates
Your job-search updates will be welcome to people in your professional and personal
networks. Just apply these tips:
Do keep in touch with your network by sending regular updates. Your updates and
checkins will nurture both your budding relationships and your longstanding professional
friendships.
Stay positive. The previous examples use many positive words such as valuable,
energized, inspired, friendship, advantageous, comforted, optimistic, honored,
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generosity, excellent, excited, pleased, opportunity, great, a nd terrific. These words

create positive feelings in readers.
Dont express frustration, discomfort, or self-pity, and certainly dont say anything to
make your reader feel guilty (for instance, I thought you were going to send me some
leads). Leave any negative thoughts for your personal journal.
Provide either a specific update or a general one, depending on your readers and
your situation. Cameron Deuel provided specific details about his progress. Lynn Takaki
gave a general update that she was still looking for a position in human resources.
Feel free to mention any continued help you would appreciate. For example, Lynn
used the words continue to think of me for any appropriate networking opportunities or
job leads.
Avoid selling yourself hard. Remember that your goal is to keep in touch with your
contacts, your bridges to a new job or opportunity.
Spreading the Good News: Announcements of Your New Job
The happiest message of your job-search adventure is the one in which you announce your
new job. This announcement creates the opportunity for you to share your joy and thank the
people in your professional and personal networks. Lynn Takakis message (slightly
disguised for privacys sake) does both.
Subject: Good News from Lynn
Dear Valued Colleagues and Friends,
I am so excited to share that I will join the XYZ Exteriors team as VP,
Human Resources. This is an opportunity to join a booming industry and
develop the HR strategic direction, build culture, and develop the
workforce to drive company growth all things I love to do! Affiliation
with a strong engineering / manufacturing workforce and a tangible product
aligns with my experience and is a great fit.
Initially, Ill be doing a weekly commute to the beautiful north coast area.
Eventually, my family and I are looking forward to relocation and a new
adventure, exploring the natural beauty of this fabulous region. For a city
fix, I think we may have a difficult time choosing between Vancouver, BC,
and Seattle!
While it is fun to share my good news, it is more important that I express
my gratitude to each of you for your support during my career transition
process. You provided encouragement, information, job leads, network
contacts, and friendship along the way. You gave me the reason to get up
and go; motivating, inspiring, and coaching me on the journey to this new
beginning. Managing change in job, company, coworkers, location, etc., is
part of living a dynamic life. Throughout all these changes, it is my good
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fortune to have you in my corner. Please know I highly value your presence
in my life. Some things never change.
With gratitude,
Lynn
As a recipient of Lynns message, I learned about her new job, recognized its excellent
fit with her experience, and shared her excitement. I enjoyed receiving her eloquent
thanks, and I felt inspired by her perceptive comments on change. For me, and probably
for the many individuals in her network, Lynns message served as a solid reminder of
why I enjoy having her in my life.
Lynn mentioned a weekly commute to the beautiful north coast area and exploring
the natural beauty of this fabulous region. Readers may have wondered how Lynn felt
about taking a job far from her home. Regardless of her possible feelings, Lynn remained
positive and professional, which is always the correct choice in a group message.
Here is the announcement young job seeker Cameron Deuel sent out:
Subject: The End of the Great American Job Search
Good afternoon,
You may be pleased to know that Ive officially landed my first job as a
college graduate. Several months ago, I applied to a position within ABC
Inc. that specializes in Customer Service for Product X and, though I was
not selected for that particular position, I was contacted by the Project
Manager in hopes that I might be open to an alternate plan.
Ive been hired for a contract position that will seamlessly lead into a fulltime Content Developer role with Product X Customer Service later this
year. During my contract period, I will be trained on how to utilize ABCs
programming software, which will be one of my primary duties once Im
brought on full time. I start on Monday.
Again, I want to thank you for your generosity during my job search. I have
grown significantly from this experience and I will continue to stay in touch
with you in the future.
I hope this message finds you well and that you are experiencing a fantastic
new year.
Sincerely,
Cameron Deuel
[Phone number]
Cameron was not kidding about staying in touch. A few weeks after his announcement, I
was delighted to receive this message from him:
Good morning,
Since we havent spoken in a little over a month, I want to let you know
how things are going with my new job. ABC is a wonderful starting point.
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Ive learned a lot in the past six weeks. The project Im working on
reminds me of publications Ive worked on in the past, but with much more
coding involved. Though the project seems immense, I am encouraged by
the drive of my coworkers and the overall attitude of the company.
Again, thank you for your help during my job search. Ive actually started
networking with people who are graduating this spring and your feedback
will allow me to help them even more. I cant wait to see where they land.
I hope youre doing well and I look forward to staying in touch.
Sincerely,
Cameron Deuel
[Phone number]
In his early 20s, Cameron already exhibits the qualities of a great networker: the desire
and ability to communicate, a positive attitude, and a generous spirit.
Here is another example announcing a new job that has already begun:
Subject: Announcing My New Position
Greetings, friends.
I have looked forward to the day when I could share this good news: On
October 1, I became a group home manager for XYZ Homecare. My
responsibilities include hiring, training, and supervising group home staff
to ensure that residents get the best care possible.
This position fits well with my training and goals, and I am very happy
about it. The company has a solid reputation for integrity and high-quality
care, and I see a good future for me here.
I appreciate your support and guidance as I searched for a job. Thank you
for everything.
My best regards,
Dale Smith
[New company phone]
[New company website]
Of course, you can write to individuals rather than groups, as this sample note sent by
post illustrates:
Dear Ross,
Your good advice and high expectations for me have paid off! I am
pleased to let you know that I have accepted the position of business
analyst at XYZ Pharmaceutical Company. I start next Monday right here in
the city.
My job involves the things I love: business analytics, project
management, meticulous quality control, and training internal customers. I
am excited about how my work will directly support product sales.
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You have been a tireless coach and teacher for me as I searched for a
new job, and I am extremely grateful for all you have done.
With many, many thanks,
Ellen
This next message, which was sent by email, combines a group message with an
individual note. The sender added an individual note to the email to people who had been
especially helpful in his job search.
Subject: I landed a great role!
Hi everyone,
I want you all to know that I will be starting my new job this week, as IT
Director for the XYZ Association.
The organization is a perfect size, the staff and management are good
people, and their mission is very compelling.
If not for networking with friends and associates, my search would have
been much longer and far less productive. Thank you for your support,
efforts, and good thoughts during this transition time.
Sincerely,
Michael Black
[Personalized addition]
Hi Julia,
This may not have happened without you, you know. Searching on
LinkedIn, I noticed you were connected with Louise Smith at XYZ, and I
made contact with her after your intro.
I cant thank you enough for your support and efforts. If ever I can
reciprocate the support, please let me know.
My best always,
Michael
Tips for Job Announcements
Apply these tips to write successful, relationship-sustaining job announcements:
Present your new position enthusiastically. If you were to describe it as a
compromise or as settling for less, people would perhaps feel sorry for you, which is not
a feeling you want to elicit. Stay positive.
Provide some details about your new job so people understand what you will be
doing. Sharing this information solidifies your relationships going forward.
Thank the people in your network for the help and encouragement they have given
you. Sometimes saying thanks in a group message is sufficient, especially if people have
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given you a similar degree of help. For people whose support contributed significantly to
your success, an individual thank-you allows you to express your gratitude explicitly and
more deeply.
Include your new contact information if it is available. Do not let your contacts lose
track of you now. Help your relationships endure.
Dont overlook this message! Use email, Facebook, or another electronic means, or
mail it to your contacts by post. People in your network will wonder what happened to
you. They deserve to receive your happy news.
Rely on Your Relationships
Being out of a job disturbs everything: your identity, your emotions, your schedule, your
habits, your budget. Your relationships are the bridges across that churning, challenging
time.
Despite any feelings of fear, awkwardness, or instability that your job search may cause
you, rely on the people in your personal and professional lives. Share your job-loss news.
Ask for help. Express your thanks. Stay in touch. Then spread the good news of the job you
accept. Although you may worry that you will risk your relationships if you use them
during this difficult time, the opposite is true. If you engage people in your search, your
relationships with them will grow stronger. And new relationships will develop.
As you look for a job, use the examples in this chapter to write messages that will build
and sustain your relationships. Doing so might just help you find the perfect job too!

Personal Assessment for Job Seekers

Which people in your personal and professional networks would be happy to help
you in your job search? Have you kept them engaged in your search with messages
like those covered in this chapter?
Next Step
Depending on where you are in your career transition, compose and send one of these
messages this week:
An announcement that you are leaving your job
A request for help in your job search
A thank-you for support
An update on your search
An announcement of your new job

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CHAPTER 9

Send Meaningful Christmas, Chanukah, and

New Years Greetings
The Christmas, Chanukah, and New Years holidays provide great opportunities to
connect with business associates and reestablish relationships. But with the opportunities
comes the challenge of getting things done and making the gesture meaningful. If you are
anything like me, your holidays may burst with traveling, entertaining, shopping, visiting,
attending religious services, and other activities. So sending business greetings, which are
optional rather than required, may fall into the category of your regretfully missed
opportunities or stressfully completed tasks.
This chapter gives you plenty of tips, examples, and ideas to help you seize the chance
to connect with business associates by sending sincere Christmas, Chanukah, and New
Years greetings. It uses the Christmas date of December 25, celebrated in much of the
Western world, and the New Years date of January 1. If your business associates around
the world celebrate these special days on other dates, make the appropriate adjustments.
Which Are Better: Printed or Electronic Cards?
Both printed (tangible) and electronic cards have their supporters, with printed cards
more widely accepted. Some people love one and not the other; some appreciate both.
When I asked the question How do you like your holiday cards? on my blog, responders
shared these preferences:
Printed card preference: 57%
E-card preference: 17%
Both/either: 26%
Those who prefer printed cards mention their warmth and personal touch, their
uniqueness and special meaning, the ease of displaying them around the office, the ability
to touch and savor them, the effort they show, and their eco-friendliness when printed on
recycled paper. People who spend much of their day at computers tend to appreciate
tangible cards as a welcome change.
Those who like to receive e-cards value their eco-friendliness, immediacy,
interactivity, creativity, possible use as screensavers, and the ability to respond to them
quickly and easily. Those who send e-cards lament that sometimes their recipients do not
even open them.
Of course, if your only communication with your customers, employees, and others is
electronic or if printed greetings mailed through the post are too expensive or difficult
to send then e-greetings will be your choice.
How to Make Your Greetings Meaningful
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From the comments I received about holiday greetings on my blog, I can emphatically say
this: Everyone appreciates a personalized message. No one likes holiday spam, in printed
or electronic form. But any greeting can come across as mass produced and meaningless
unless you take certain steps to make it special. Follow these suggestions to add the little
details that help you come across as a sincere communicator rather than a spammer:
Send greetings only to people you know: your current or recent customers, clients,
coworkers, employees, and business associates; subscribers to your newsletters; and
individuals who have asked to be on your mailing list. If someone has not indicated an
interest in you, your greeting is spam.
Send only one card not several or you may be perceived as obsessed, wasteful,
or scatter-brained. Even well-personalized e-cards are spam when people receive more
than one from you per holiday.
Choose cards and messages for the recipients not for yourself. If you believe
Jesus is the reason for the season, express that view in church not in your cards to
business contacts. If you are not sure whether a specific individual celebrates Christmas,
use Happy holidays rather than Merry Christmas as your message. Consider your
readers tastes. For instance, to outdoorsy contacts, send a photo card of a magnificent
mountain or a giant redwood. To dog lovers, send a card featuring an irresistible
Christmas puppy. You do not need to purchase these cards individually. You can typically
buy boxed cards that match the tastes of many of your business associates.
Personalize your tangible greeting cards in one or more of these ways:
Handwrite the recipients name and sign your own this is the least you can do.
Never send a card with no recipients name and only a factory-printed signature.
Even if the card has gold-embossed lettering, it will not make a meaningful
connection. Do not have your assistant fake your signature its bad karma, and it
will make your assistant cynical.
Handwrite a personal message that uses the recipients name. Just one sentence of
greeting will personalize your message and show your thoughtfulness. Several
sentences can make your message memorable.
If your associate is from another country, consider adding a greeting in his or her
native language. For example, use Feliz Ao Nuevo! for a Spanish-speaking
colleague or Joyeux Nol et bonne anne for someone who speaks French. You can
find translated greetings on the Internet. Its wise to double-check translations on an
additional website to make sure they are accurate.
Handwrite each envelope. Although it takes a lot of work (and is therefore the
exception rather than the norm), this gesture shows serious personal commitment. It
virtually guarantees that your card will be opened and read.
For a card from you and your team, include a photo of the team captioned with
everyones name. This gesture is meaningful if the recipient has dealings with at least
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several team members.

Have team members sign the card if they know the recipient. When I led classes for a
prominent high-tech company, each Christmas I received a holiday card hand-signed
by everyone in the human resources department who knew me. It was fun to read each
signature and think of the individuals signing.
Personalize your e-cards in these ways so people open, read, and appreciate them:
Use a specific rather than a generic subject line for the email. Happy Holidays
20XX comes across as anonymous. Instead choose something like Happy Holidays
From Ivona at XYZ! or Karl Schneider Wishes You a Joyful New Year to make
an instant connection with your reader.
Add an individualized message.
Use the recipients name and your own. A greeting to your reader as Dear
Customer or Dear Employee might as well say Dear Stranger.
Add a photo of team members, signed or labeled with everyones name, with each
signature or label near the appropriate persons photo. Its easy to write on photos
using Microsoft Offices Paint feature. Many tips and software programs for adding
words to photos are also available on the Internet.
Contribute to a worthwhile nonprofit organization the money you save by not mailing
tangible cards, and let your recipients know about your contribution if it matches
their mission. Or contribute in the recipients name and share the information in your
holiday message.
Show extra effort by uploading the card and providing the link to your recipients,
rather than sending them an attachment. Your contacts can click the link to open the
card in an instant.
If you create a holiday video (whose play button appears in your message or whose
link you send by email), you can personalize the email or even the video. In the video,
you can tell a story that engages your recipients or includes mention of them. Or you can
list individual recipients names in the video. For several years running, communications
consultant Deb Arnold has created a very funny yet professional and even instructional
holiday video. Often she lists the names of people she especially wants to thank at the end
of the video, like movie credits. She sends it to those people, of course.
Sample Christmas and Chanukah Greetings
Whether you send a printed card, an electronic greeting, a photo card, a video, or
something else, the following messages can help you think of what to write. Mix and match
the sentiments to create a message that works for you and your recipients. You may choose
to indent paragraphs or not. The samples use both formats.
Dear Friends at XYZ Company,
At this joyous time of year, we are grateful for our work with you. We
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wish you abundance, happiness, and peace in a new year filled with hope.
Happy holidays!
Your friends at ABC Catering:
Daniel, Lisa, Natasha,
Marjorie, Satya, and Joe
Karen, I hope you and all your coworkers, family, and friends have a
lovely holiday season brimming with joy and kindness.
Warm wishes,
Steven Daly
To all our friends at Marcias Bridals:
As the year ends, we think about all we are grateful for. Our relationship
with you is one thing we treasure. Thank you for the opportunity to serve
you. We wish you a merry Christmas and much success in the new year!
Donna and Dale Burke
Dear Professor Reiss,
Thank you for giving me the opportunity to work with you this year. It
has been an honor and a valuable experience for me. I wish you a happy
Chanukah and a 20XX filled with light and meaning.
Marcia Schur
My dear wonderful Jake,
As a person who warms my heart, you come quickly to mind this holiday
season. I wish you a happy Chanukah and a new year abundant with
miracles of every kind.
Kitty
Dear Naomi,
Each night of Chanukah may you be blessed with warmth and peace.
Happy Chanukah!
Jodi
Dear Odaiah,
As gifts are given and received this holiday season, I think of the gift of
knowing you. Thank you for the pleasure of working with you this year on
the implementation. Happy holidays!
Chad

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Dear Carolyn,
Merry Christmas to you and your lovely little girls! I hope you have a
holiday brimming with joy and happy surprises!
Traci
Sample New Years Greetings
Here are generic and audience-specific messages to build on for your New Years
greetings.
Generic:
We wish you a new year in which peace, joy, and meaning abound.
Happy 20XX! May your new year be filled with prosperity, hope, and
wonder.
Happy 20XX! I wish you a blissful, magical new year!
On New Years Day and every day, we wish you joy and fulfillment.
Happy new year!
I hope you are blessed with delight, serenity, and grace in the coming year.
To a customer or client:
Thank you for your business this year. It has been a pleasure helping you
reach your goals. We wish you a prosperous and happy new year and look
forward to serving you in 20XX.
Thank you for the opportunity to work with you in 20XX. It has been an
honor to serve you. We wish you a fulfilling, abundant new year. Happy
20XX!
I wish you a wonderful new year rich in laughter, pure joy, and treasured
moments. May 20XX be your best year yet!
It has been a privilege and a pleasure to work with you this year. We wish
you the best of holidays and a prosperous 20XX!
I hope 20XX is a year of great happiness and success for you. Have a
marvelous new year!
Thank you for being a customer at our [event or business]. We look
forward to meeting your needs again in 20XX. We wish you peace,
contentment, and abundant good health in the new year.

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Thank you for shopping with us. We wish you a beautiful new year filled
with comfort and gladness. We look forward to seeing you again in 20XX.
Happy new year!
We are so pleased to have you as a customer, and we look forward to
serving you in the new year. Have a terrific 20XX!
To a patron or volunteer:
Happy new year! Thanks to supporters like you, 20XX was a very
successful year for us. We were able to exceed our goals and expand our
services to the needy because of the generosity and commitment of people
like you. Thank you so much!
Thank you for your contribution to our important work. With your help, we
had a very successful 20XX. We wish you a blessed, happy new year.
To employees:
Whoo hoo! We survived 20XX! In fact, we thrived because of your
amazing hard work, creativity, and dedication. I am personally grateful to
you for your tremendous efforts, and I wish you a fabulous new year.
I am grateful to each one of you for your incredible skills and creative
thinking, and I wish everyone a rewarding, joyous new year. I cant wait to
see what we accomplish together in 20XX!
I appreciate your contribution to our success this year. I wish you joy, fun,
and fulfillment in 20XX. Happy new year!
After reading those examples, you may be wondering about how to render references to
the new year. New Years Day and New Years Eve have apostrophes and are capitalized.
But if you are simply referring to next year, you do not need to capitalize it: I hope you
have a joyful new year. That said, Happy New Year! with capital letters has become a
standard greeting. I typically use the lower case version: I wish you a happy new year!
Ways to Make Your Holidays Easier
Consider these tips to help you ease the pressure of getting things done while keeping the
season special:
Send Thanksgiving cards instead of dealing with the Chanukah-Christmas-New Years
rush. Your cards of thanks will stand out because they will not be part of a mail or email
onslaught. See the chapter Write Mighty Thank-Yous for examples of Thanksgiving
messages.
Send New Years greetings rather than stressing to get your Christmas cards out by
December 20. You can work on New Years cards during the relaxing days after
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Christmas, when little work may be required of you (unless you work in retail). Then send
them out after January 1. Sending the cards anytime during the first week or so of January
makes them on time. Also, with New Years cards, you can avoid worries about whether
and how your associates celebrate Christmas and how to choose the right card. But when
you select them, avoid cards that emphasize drinking unless you know your specific
readers appreciate wine and spirits. Many of your associates may prefer a safe, sober new
year and may not relate to an alcohol-themed greeting.
Celebrate your own Christmas in July by ordering your Christmas cards in the
summer, then taking the time to write personal notes on them whenever you have time
before the busy holiday season. If you will send group cards, give your coworkers plenty
of time to sign them. Or have signing parties to get in the holiday spirit.
If you choose to hand-address cards, begin in the summer or early fall. That way,
you and your staff will not have hand cramps just before Christmas. Leadership and
organizational development consultant Ron Scott starts early and meditates briefly on each
person as he addresses and signs individual cards.
If you choose to print envelopes, do so using a merge-mailing list or a sheet of
mailing labels rather than individually printing each one.
Update your mailing list whenever you have time during the year. When you make a
new business friend, add the individuals contact information to your list. That way, you
will not have to scramble for a business card or contact information when you are ready to
send cards.
Decide on your preferred spelling of Chanukah (that spelling is my preference) and
stick to it. That way, you will not eat up time changing your mind. Other common versions
are Hanukkah and Hannukah.
Try sending email greetings or e-cards to eliminate the need to address and sign
dozens or hundreds of printed cards. Make sure to individualize your greetings so they
come across as special messages rather than spam.
Responding to Holiday Greetings
You may be wondering whether you need to thank people for holiday greetings or respond
in kind. Although neither response is required, acknowledging the other persons effort
can strengthen your relationship. Thank-yous and reciprocated best wishes can spread
smiles and a sense of connection. Why not send them?
Remember: This time of year is a special, once-a-year chance to connect with people.
Think widely when you compose your list of people to remember. Even if you are an
employee without clients and external customers, think of the people who contribute to
your success: your manager, coworkers, colleagues in other departments, peers in other
companies and professional organizations, consultants, and allies in human resources.
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Remember them! Reconnect! Nurture your work relationships.

Personal Reflection
Connecting with your business associates is a gift to yourself and to them not an
obligation. How can you make the process feel joyous to you? What can you do to
reduce stress and enjoy reaching out?
Next Step
Whenever you are reading this sentence whether it is February, June, or
November what is one thing you can do this week to make progress on sending
holiday cards? Do that thing.

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CHAPTER 10

Write Apologies to Mend Fences and Support

Relationships
Through many years of practice, our teenaged daughter had outgrown her violin, so we
went to Olsen Violins, a violin shop in our Seattle neighborhood, to look at new ones.
When we walked into the shop, I told the woman who greeted us that we were looking for
a violin in the $4,000 range. Soon we were placed in the shops soundproof room with a
variety of violins to try out. They ranged from $3,800 to $8,000, with nearly all of them
higher than $4,000.
After we had been in the room awhile, Sten Olsen came into the room, apologizing with
words like these: I am so sorry. I just learned from Nete that you wanted violins in the
$4,000 range. I thought she had said $4,000 to $8,000.
I told Sten that although I was shocked at first at the higher price tags, when we heard
the beautiful sound of the more expensive violins, we realized we might need to spend
more than we had intended.
The next day I received this email from Olsen Violins:
Subject: An Apology
Hi Lynn,
I want to apologize for the price confusion yesterday. I hear stories
regularly from people who have gone to other violin shops and get
nudged/pushed into a higher price range than they are requesting. I really
hate that! I have utmost respect for what people are willing to spend and I
never push people higher. I take this seriously. I feel terrible!
I have a lot of really, really nice violins around 34K. I hope you give
these instruments another look. I also have a couple violins out on trial
with someone else that are right in the price category too.
Have a nice weekend and Thanksgiving!
Regards,
Sten Olsen
Olsen Violins, Inc.
Sten Olsens apology was not necessary because he had apologized the previous day.
But his written apology told me that he meant what he had said. It also provided a remedy
in the mention of several violins in our price range. It came across as sincere, with the
statements I want to apologize, I have the utmost respect, and I feel terrible. Stens
apology was a relationship builder. It showed me that he valued us as customers.
We ended up buying both a violin and a bow from Olsen Violins, spending much more
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than our original budget. Now we refer other people to the shop. Although it was only one
of the factors that encouraged our relationship, Sten Olsens apology made a big positive
difference.
This chapter helps you recognize why and how to write sincere, productive apologies.
The Power of Saying Im Sorry
I dont know about parents around the globe, but where I live parents regularly break up
spats between small children, instructing them, I want you two to both say youre sorry!
After both children complain that its not their fault, they reluctantly say they are sorry.
With the words Im sorry ending the argument, the children move on to their next
activity, often playing happily side by side within minutes.
To us as adults at work, saying we are sorry seems more complicated. When we say it
(and write it), we worry that we may be accepting blame, admitting liability in our
litigious society, and apologizing ourselves into a corner.
But apologies can free us in many ways. As with the sorries of children, our apologies
let us move on to the next activity. They also free the people to whom we apologize by
helping them let go of their bad feelings about the wrong done to them. They help everyone
acknowledge that business decisions can negatively affect peoples lives, sometimes
deeply and lastingly. Apologies communicate the messages I respect you and I
recognize that you are a human being with feelings without actually using those words.
An engineer named Keith Chapman told this story and shared his example of an
apology:
John was the lead engineer assigned to a project, and I was his counterpart
at my company. Of necessity, I took a very active role in steering the
design, which imposed a level of scrutiny that John was not used to
receiving from customers. Because of this, midway through the job the
relationship started to sour. Through phone calls, and some intervention
from both our superiors, I managed to settle things down and brought us
back into a working relationship. As the design work was wrapping up,
John asked me how things looked on the job from a budget standpoint. I
used the opportunity to try to smooth things over:
John,
I do think we will make budget on the job. [Keith followed with details
about the project.]
I would like to say that I think this job has gone really well. We did have a
few disagreements early on, but those things happen, especially between
people who are both passionate about their work. Despite the
disagreements, we worked together well, came to a good design, and were
on time to boot.
I would also like to apologize for something that I did earlier in the job. In
one of my review remarks I pointed out an error in your calculations. I
believe it was a real error, but it was an advance set of calcs from you, not
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your stamped final submittal. It was wrong of me to point it out in an email

that I copied to both of our bosses. I should have brought it to you
personally and given you the chance to defend it or correct it. Its a
courtesy that should be extended to fellow engineers. When we work
together in the future, I will make a point of it.
Keith
In his desire to smooth things over, Keith apologized sincerely for his unfortunate
email choice. His apology validated John in any negative feelings John might have been
harboring about the incident, and it allowed John to move on from them. The message also
allowed Keith to move on. It helped banish the pangs of guilt Keith may have felt about his
behavior.
Dr. Dennis Dennis, an organizational psychologist, shares this important comment on
the benefits of apologizing:
An apology benefits the person giving it as much (or often more) than the
person receiving it. This thought sometimes helps people get past the
difficulty of apologizing sincerely when they really believe the other party
contributed in some way to the problem.
The advantage of this approach is that it allows the apologizer to
maintain their boundary and a sense of personal power because they are in
control of the decision to apologize. It is entirely up to the other person
whether they will accept the apology. One can sincerely apologize and
move on even if the apology is not accepted.
Although our apology may not save a relationship, Dr. Denniss comment reminds us
that our apology can benefit our relationship with ourselves.
The Parts of an Apology
In his excellent book On Apology, Dr. Aaron Lazare, retired dean of the University of
Massachusetts Medical School, identified four parts of an effective apology:
1. Acknowledging the offense
2. Explaining what happened
3. Communicating feelings such as remorse, shame, humility, and sincerity
4. Making or offering reparations
Dr. Lazare wrote, The importance of each part even the necessity of each part
varies from apology to apology depending on the situation.
This sincere apology contains all four parts:
Subject: Apology for My Remark
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Dear Sharon,
I am very sorry about referring to you as the accounting Nazi in my email
to Eduardo. It was a stupid remark, and I am embarrassed that I made it.
There is no excuse for that kind of attack, and I appreciate your calling me
on it. I understand that it was especially hurtful to you because of your
Jewish heritage. I am very sorry and ashamed.
I promise to avoid using that kind of language again in my dealings with
you and your colleagues (or anyone else for that matter). Please let me
know if there is something else I can do to make up for my ignorant
behavior.
Please accept my apology.
David Goode
When she reads that detailed apology, Sharon may be able to forgive David and forget
his bad behavior, depending on the history of their relationship. The message seems to
communicate everything she needs to hear.
In contrast, this version of the apology would do little to mend the relationship:
Subject: Sorry
Sharon, I am sorry you were upset that I called you a Nazi. I was just
frustrated about all the bureaucratic hoops you and your coworkers make
us go through. You never told me you were Jewish, so I didnt know it
would push your buttons so much.
Again, sorry.
David Baad
The Baad version of the message includes a quick sorry, but it does not come across
as sincere. The writer did not acknowledge responsibility. Rather, he hinted that Sharon is
at fault for being upset, resorting to bureaucratic hoops, not telling David she is Jewish,
and allowing the comment to push her buttons.
This apology, written to a coworker, contains all four of Dr. Lazares parts:
Subject: Sorry for missing your presentation
Dear Kim,
I am sorry I missed your presentation this morning. I know it was my job to
be there to provide the latest financial data, and I am very sorry that I let
you down.
As I mentioned in my phone message, an accident on the floating bridge
caused traffic to back up for nearly an hour. Although I left for work in
plenty of time to be there for your presentation, the accident caused me to
arrive after your time on the agenda.
I emailed the data to you when I arrived. If you would like me to do
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anything else to make up for my absence, please let me know.

Please accept my apology.
Renee
In Renees situation, it might be tempting simply to leave Kim a quick phone message of
apology. However, the written note makes it clear that Renee regrets what happened and
does not take it lightly. She values her relationship with Kim.
The next apology covers a more sensitive situation.
Subject: Apology
Dear Robert,
I wanted to write to you regarding our conversation the other day about the
new team member. I apologize for making inappropriate assumptions about
your hiring decision. That was very wrong of me. Please accept my sincere
apology.
I realize since we talked that I simply liked the candidate from Ghana and
was disappointed that I wont have the chance to work with him. I
understand now why you chose Santosh and how she will complement our
skills and experience.
I regret the comment I made, and I promise to support Santosh 100 percent.
If there is anything else you would like me to do, please let me know.
Sincerely,
Roy
Roys apology communicates several important things to Robert: that Roy regrets the
remark he made, understands that his assumptions were inappropriate, and intends to
support the new employee completely. Although Roy might have hesitated to document
his mistake by mentioning it in writing, he has successfully documented his realization and
his apology. Beyond that, he has shored up his relationship with Robert and committed to
building a relationship with Santosh.
I received the following good apology when I informed a newsletter of misspellings of
my name. (I have changed the identifying details.) It acknowledges the error, apologizes
for it, and indicates what the magazine will do to reduce confusion for readers of the
newsletter.
Lynn,
Our sincere apologies for the misspellings. Our newsletter goes through a
rigorous editing cycle with numerous editors, copy editors, and proofers
looking at each issue. Unfortunately, the misspellings somehow slipped
through.
I have corrected the file, and fortunately, the article was slated to go up on
our website on August 15, so it hasnt appeared online yet.
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Our subscribers can download a PDF version of the newsletter on our

website, which I assume is where your client saw the article. The print
version goes in the mail this week.
We will also run a correction in the next issue of the print version of the
newsletter.
Again, our apologies for the error.
Sincerely,
Gayle Franson
Senior Editor
Tips for Apologies
Because written apologies last beyond the moment and do not provide an opportunity for
immediate two-way communication, you need to follow certain guidelines when writing
them. Consider these tips and adapt them to your situations:
Use the words I apologize, I regret, and I am sorry. Use we or on behalf
of when you apologize as a representative of your company or organization. By using the
language of apology, you make it completely clear that you are apologizing.
Explain what happened. Your explanation helps the other person understand why the
incident took place. Do not rely on your explanation, however, to imply your apology. Use
the words in the previous tip.
Name what you will do or hope to do to remedy the situation. For example, in some
of the previous examples, Sten Olsen offered lower-priced violins, Keith promised to
observe professional courtesies in the future, and the newsletter editor promised me a
correction.
Ask the reader to accept your apology. Your request engages the reader and asks for
reconciliation.
Avoid bringing up other topics. They will dilute the apology and may make it seem
like an afterthought.
Dont criticize the reader or blame others. For example, dont say, If only you had
let me know sooner or It was my managers idea that I Such remarks reduce the
sincerity and power of the apology. They turn it into scapegoating.
Dont offer a sorry but. For instance, dont say, I am sorry, but you must also
accept responsibility. Such a statement ignites a potential blame war.
A perfect example of criticizing the reader in a sorry but appeared in the NetSpeed
Learning Solutions blog in a post written by Tim Jones. He described this as an excuse,
not an apology, and I agree:
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I am really sorry about missing the budget planning conference call this
morning. I would have been on the call, but you never confirmed what I
was supposed to present so I figured that the call must not be that
important. Why didnt you tell me what I needed to present?
I like Tim Joness advice: If you really dont feel you are the cause, then its okay to
push back and defend your position. But if you ultimately know in your heart that an
apology is in order, make it a full apology. Make it sincere. And make it count.
If You Cannot Think of What to Write
When you are not sure what to write, think about what the other person needs to know.
What would he or she ask you if you were talking? Of course, you wont actually be
talking when the other person reads your words, but think of the apology as a
conversation.
Lets imagine that you are writing to apologize for missing a business meeting. Your
reader might have these questions:
1. What is this note about?
2. Why did you miss the meeting?
3. What will you do to make up for missing the meeting?
4. Can we count on you to attend future meetings?
5. Are you sorry for the oversight?
After the introductory Question 1, Questions 2 through 5 are ones the other person is
probably wondering about. To write the apology, just answer the questions, as this
example does:
Dear Dr. Young,
[What is this note about?]
Please accept my apology for missing the planning meeting on Friday
afternoon. I am very sorry about my absence.
[Why did you miss the meeting?]
On Friday I had an enjoyable lunch with an old, dear friend, and in the
pleasure of the reunion I simply forgot about the planning meeting. I
incorrectly thought my calendar was clear.
[What will you do to make up for missing the meeting?]
I have already spoken with Lorraine Clarke about what happened at the
meeting. She informed me of the two tasks that have been assigned to me.

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[Can we count on you to attend future meetings?]

I assure you that this will not happen again. I have added all the meetings to
my phone, with a reminder alarm. I look forward to actively participating
in our future sessions.
[Are you sorry for the oversight?]
Once again, I am sorry for missing the meeting. Please accept my apology.
Sincerely,
Samantha
Apologizing for Little Things
Little things can erode good relationships one little thing at a time. In business, take time to
apologize in writing for any small mistakes, slights, or oversights. Even though they are
brief, such apologies reduce the likelihood that missteps will grow into resentments.
I found these brief apologies in my email inbox. Each was included in a longer
message.
My apologies for the delay. My password reset and locked me out of my system all
weekend! I hope this is not too late. Thank you!
Please accept my apology for dragging my feet on this decision.
I was hoping to have more time with you. I apologize!
I apologize for the late request. I have been working from home for the past two
months due to my daughters slow recovery from surgery. Time found a way of
slipping by me quickly.
I apologize that the invoice wasnt paid on time. I am sorry it got lost in the pipeline.
We apologize for any inconvenience this situation may have caused and appreciate
your patience while we work on this.
I apologize about the phone number confusion.
We apologize for the inconvenience you experienced in downloading your order.
I just realized as I was reading your email again that I completely missed your
deadline. My apologies!
Sorry, I just saw your response below. Never mind!
The brief apologies do the important work of acknowledging the delay, the foot
dragging, the lack of time, the missed deadline, the late payment, and so on. Of course,
repeated missed deadlines and late payments will require much more than a sentence of
apology. They will beg for changes in behavior.
Apologizing Does Not Always Mean Accepting Blame
In my survey on business writing and relationships, 69 percent of respondents agreed or
strongly agreed that they hate to apologize when they have not done anything wrong. Yet
many respondents explained that they apologize despite any aversion to it. Here are
sample comments from four individuals:
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I really truly HATE apologizing when I havent done anything wrong, but I
also know that its my personal perception that I havent done anything
wrong the person wronged obviously feels differently. So I will do it
usually something like, Im sorry that my [action] made you feel
[feeling].
Admitting you were wrong even in just having favored your own
perspective without considering another persons goes a long way toward
mending fences and finding common ground.
Lately I have accepted the fact that it is the right thing to do for harmony.
I hate doing it but it often works. So I do it fairly often. I work in IT
[information technology] though.
Like those individuals, you will sometimes find it helpful to apologize even though you
have done nothing wrong. Clearly something happened that led to the need for an apology.
Its much better to apologize and move on than refuse to do so. Such a refusal saps energy
and erects a wall between people.
In awkward situations that seem to require an apology, even when you cant see that you
have done anything wrong, tell yourself that you will apologize respectfully because the
other person needs it. Then apologize. Do not point a finger at the other person with a
sentiment like this: I am sorry you took it the wrong way. Instead, use statements like
these:
I am sorry for the part I played in this situation.
I regret that I was not able to respond in a way that was helpful.
I am sorry that what I said hurt your feelings.
If you are a supervisor or manager, you will find it helpful to apologize when a situation
has caused problems or hard feelings even when you are not responsible for the
situation. In these cases, I am sorry does not mean I am responsible. It means I care
about you and your feelings. Examples:
I am very sorry that the new date for the product launch has affected your vacation
plans.
I am sorry that the construction will require you to park so far from the plant.
Making Official Apologies
HR Magazine featured an excellent article, A Sorry Strategy, by attorney Jathan
Janove. The piece focused on the effectiveness of apologies in avoiding or settling legal
claims. These are two important points from the article:

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Although employer apologies have at times contributed to employer liability, those

situations nearly always involved apologies that were mishandled.
Anger plays an important part in employee lawsuits, and anger is often fueled by an
employers failure to apologize. In many situations, lawsuits can be avoided or
settled quickly if an employer apologizes and accepts responsibility for its actions.
Tips for Official Apologies
If you must apologize on behalf of your company, apply these tips:
Check company guidelines or get advice from your human resources department
before taking action. Although apologies often reduce an individuals desire to take legal
action, as Jathan Janove indicated, the apology must be effective to achieve a positive
outcome. Get advice to do it right in highly charged situations.
Communicate empathy with an employees feelings and circumstances. I am sorry
about the frustration this delay has caused you acknowledges the situation simply and
well.
Do not try to justify or excuse the employers actions if the employer is at fault.
Such attempts weaken the apology. If your companys process was faulty even though the
outcome was justified, apologize for the process. For example, if an employee was
informed of a layoff in a public, embarrassing way, apologize for the way the information
was delivered. The apology does not change the layoff, but it can be very helpful in
reducing the employees anger and indignation. It may prevent the situation from going
viral on the Internet and damaging countless relationships.
This example apologizes for the hurt and disappointment an employee feels when she
does not receive a promotion and for the way the decision was communicated. However,
it does not undercut the promotion decision.
To: Clare Belmont
From: Andrew Ross
Date: July 2, 20XX
Subject: Following Up on Our Conversation Today
Clare, I would like to recap what we talked about today. I want you to
know that I understand you feel I made the wrong decision when I
promoted Jessica rather than you into the new Level II position. You feel
you are the most qualified person for the position and that the decision is
unfair.
When making a promotion to Level II, I need to consider a variety of
factors. Foremost among them is what is best for the department and our
customer-service commitments. Looking at all information, I believe my
decision is the right one.
I value your work very much, and I am sorry about the hurt and
disappointment this decision has caused. Please accept my apology for the
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blunders I committed while communicating the decision.

Andrew
Dont Be Sorry About Apologizing
Do you remember the story about Sten Olsens apology for misunderstanding my violin
budget? In the end, I bought a much more expensive violin, along with a bow, and I
continue to recommend Sten to others in Seattle who are in the market for an instrument.
Heres the moral of the story: Do not be sorry about apologizing. It is one of the best steps
you can take to build and maintain good relationships, overcome hard feelings, nurture
loyalty, and show respect for other human beings. Beyond that, as Stens story
demonstrates, it can even help you sell products and services.

Personal Reflection
Do you apologize when you have done something that hurts or inconveniences
another person at work? Do you see apologizing as a helpful step for both parties, as
a necessary annoyance, or as something else?
Next Step
In this chapter, an engineer named Keith apologized to another engineer for something
Keith had done awhile back. Think about your work relationships and whether there
is something you would like to apologize for. Then write and send the apology.

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CHAPTER 11

Share Bad News Without Fostering Bad Feelings

For several years I worked as a consultant at an outplacement firm, a company that is
hired to help people who have been laid off. We would start by helping them make peace
with the circumstances of losing their job. Over time we would coach them to find their
next opportunity, whether it be a job, their own business, or retirement.
Perhaps the most challenging assignment at the outplacement firm was to go to a
company on the day of layoffs and meet with the employees and managers who had lost
their jobs. It was like the role of Ryan Bingham in the book and movie Up in the Air, only
we didnt actually give the bad news; we cleaned up after it.
Some of us dreaded the assignment because we never knew how the employees and
managers would react. Would they weep? Yell? Swear? Sit numbly and not say a word?
Run out of the room, calling us names? Or would they thank us for being there and giving
them information? Any and all those reactions were possible. The challenge was being
able to handle whatever came at us without making the bad news worse.
Like us outplacement consultants, many people dread giving bad news because they do
not know how it will go down, and they fear the worst reactions. They also question their
own competence. Will they be able to communicate the bad news compassionately and
clearly so people will understand and accept it? Will their relationships survive the bad
news? Or will the bad news cause bad feelings that end their relationships?
How about you? Which of these words would you choose to describe the act of
communicating bad news?

If you picked more words from Column 2 than Column 1, heres the good news: You
are human! The bad news is that well, this chapter is all about bad news. It shares
valuable tips, examples, and encouragement that will make it easier for you to protect your
relationships while sharing bad news.
Sharing bad news is no fun. The thought of having to communicate bad news to valued
employees, managers, colleagues, applicants, clients, and vendors causes people to lose
sleep, eat and drink more than they intend, and try to think of ways to disappear until the
bad news blows over.
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If just the idea of communicating bad news makes you feel bad, consider using these
new words to describe it:

Yes, communicating bad news thoughtfully and promptly is kind, considerate, generous,
courageous, thoughtful, and mature. It is a precious gift you can give to others. Doing it
well makes the other person feel respected and can strengthen your relationship. Adopt
that positive mindset, and you will instantly feel at least a little better about having to
share bad news.
Sharing Bad News in Person and in Writing
Whenever possible, share bad news in person, not in writing. That way, your
communication will be two-way. You will see firsthand whether people cry, yell, or take
the news in stride, as we outplacement consultants did. You will be able to deal with
peoples responses appropriately in real time.
Although communicating bad news in person is a first choice, putting bad news in
writing makes sense at times:
When informing a hundred job applicants that they were not chosen for a job
When informing dozens of customers about the departure of a popular employee
When letting hundreds or thousands of clients know about an increase in fees
When informing thousands of students and their parents that tuition is increasing
When telling all employees about a personnel or policy change that will be unpopular
When communicating bad news to employees on the other side of the globe
Informing Applicants That They Were Not Chosen
One uncomfortable bad-news message is the letter to applicants who did not get the job.
Especially in difficult economic times, the vision of qualified, eager, sometimes desperate
job applicants opening your bad-news message can cripple your efforts to write it. Yet the
applicants need to hear the outcome.
Of course, you dont want your rejection letter to hurt people. You want to avoid
alienating potential customers, members, and future applicants. The looming risk is to say
too little and seem brusque or say too much and inadvertently wound them.
It is possible to write a clear, thoughtful rejection message that leaves no one feeling
rejected. It has five components:
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1. A warm opening
2. A brief description of the decision-making process that presents it as rigorous rather
than haphazard
3. The bad news, sometimes implied rather than directly stated
4. Acknowledgment and appreciation of the effort the individual put into the application
5. Good wishes for the future
Notice in the above list the absence of judgment on the applicants credentials or fit for
the position. To avoid making bad news worse, the message does not include any negative
comments about the applicants suitability. Nor does it include positive comments.
Positive statements about qualifications could make the applicant more disheartened about
not getting a job for which he or she was apparently well qualified.
This advice also applies to other situations such as rejecting a manuscript submitted for
publication. Although it may be tempting to encourage the writer, encouragement can
backfire into an argument about why the piece will not be published or a time-consuming
written exchange about how to revise the writing. If your goal is to share bad news
without fostering bad feelings in yourself or others, limiting your message to the five
components works best. If your goal is to mentor young writers or others, you may find
another way to achieve it, outside the bad-news message.
Below is a model bad-news message, sent from University Baptist Church in Seattle,
Washington, to the many people who had applied for the position of pastor.
Thank you for expressing interest in the position of pastor at University
Baptist Church. We have carefully studied the profiles we received, and
we have decided to interview four candidates. The skills and experience of
the four individuals are a unique match for the needs of our congregation.
We appreciate the time you spent preparing materials for us, and we ask
for Gods blessing on you as you seek another position.
Cordially,
The message is brief, yet it communicates good will and caring. The mention of Gods
blessing is perfect in a letter from a church. A similar message from a business could
close this way:
We appreciate the time you spent preparing materials for us, and we wish
you success obtaining a position.
The church representative who shared the letter with me made sure I understood this
point: The three people who eventually interviewed for the job but did not get it received
a phone call, not a letter. A phone call made sense because of the small number of people
involved and because those who interviewed now had a personal connection with the
church. They deserved a more personal, individual message.
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The bad handling of such a message leads to bad feelings, as this true story illustrates:
A job candidate who had been searching for a position for quite a while had four
interviews on four different days with a prestigious firm. Naturally, he was getting
excited. And he should have been his fourth interview was with a senior executive.
Then he got a message from the company, a letter saying he did not get the job.
You might wonder whats wrong with that? We cannot each be the chosen one when
it comes to a position. But the letter he received was canned an impersonal rejection
letter, the kind that is sent to any faceless applicant who was not even interviewed.
Heres why that letter damaged a budding, positive relationship: A job applicant who
endured four interviews with the same firm, dressed meticulously on four different days,
prepared carefully for several conversation/cross-examinations, graciously met a variety
of strangers such an applicant deserved a thoughtful personal letter or phone call.
A friend of the dejected applicant related this story to me with anger. It would be no
surprise if word spread about how the prestigious firm treated the candidate. People who
heard the story might retell it at business meetings and lunches, and those in job searches
might avoid that companys recruiters if they could. The original job candidate would be
slow to consider a job with that company or to do business with it again all because
someone did not take the time to write a personal letter or make a phone call to treat him
with care and dignity.
Never underestimate the power of your communication to create or destroy
relationships!
Informing Customers of the Departure of a Popular Employee
Customers want to know when changes take place with the people who serve them. These
messages can be delicate because we dont want to lose the customer along with the
employee.
What follows is an example of how n o t to tell customers about an employees
departure. The paragraph is excerpted from a landscaping companys letter to all
customers, updating them on spring landscaping services. All names are fictitious.
David, Gloria, and Juan will all be back. You are very familiar with these
three since they have been at your house for many years now. Michael, who
was an invaluable employee for 21 years, forced me to make a very
difficult decision last fall. When the evidence of his transgressions became
so great and so blatant, I had no choice but to dismiss him. His work was
exemplary, as was the value he offered all our customers; however, his
actions were eroding the morale of his coworkers and affecting my ability
to conduct a sustainable business. I mention this because so many people
came to expect Michael every week, and he was so well liked. Also during
the lifetime of our company we have had very low turnover, and events
like this are rare. Replacing Michael this season is Simon. I have known
Simon for over 10 years. He has worked with two other local landscapers.
He knows this business, and I am confident that his demeanor and work
ethic will be a nice fit for our team.
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The evidence of Michaels transgressions yikes! The phrase creates nothing but
trouble: anxious curiosity in customers; relief (or doubt) that they were not injured by
Michaels behavior, whatever it was; and potential legal repercussions if a customer talks
to Michael about the letter.
The paragraph contains all the right information. It just needs editing so the bad news is
brief and neutral rather than detailed and destructive. Here is a suitable version that shares
brief news of the well-liked employees departure and lets customers know they will be in
good hands with Michaels replacement:
David, Gloria, and Juan will all be back, as they have been for many years.
Michael, who was an invaluable employee for 21 years, has moved on.
Replacing Michael this season is Simon, whom I have known for over 10
years. Simon has worked with two other landscapers and knows this
business. I am confident that his demeanor and work ethic will be a nice fit
for our team.
For a communication that goes to all customers, the short version is just right to keep
relationships intact. If individual customers ask for more information, it may be shared
discreetly in person.
Tips for Communicating Bad News
These valuable tips will help you do a good job of sharing bad news without damaging
relationships:
Reveal it dont conceal it. Dont try to protect others from bad news or yourself
from sharing it. If bad news leaks out, individuals may be hurt and angry that they did not
learn it from you or through other appropriate channels. Remember: Sharing bad news
well is kind, considerate, generous, courageous, thoughtful, and mature.
Communicate bad news promptly. A typical response to bad news is How long have
you known? If you have known for a long time but have not shared the news, people may
feel that they have been cheated or that you do not trust them. Recognize that there is no
perfect time for bad news. Share it as soon as you can share it clearly and completely.
Apologize. Saying you are sorry about a situation does not mean you are guilty or liable
for it. It means you care. Tell employees, customers, clients, and patrons when you are
sorry that the news is not better. And if the bad news is your fault for example, if you
missed a proposal submission deadline because of your own mistake or delay accept
responsibility and apologize so that you and everyone else can move on.
In this announcement, the writer uses Please accept my apology to avert negative
reactions to a change in a longstanding employee perk:
Subject: Change in Policy on Refreshments
Dear Staff,
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Due to serious budget constraints facing our organization, as of September

1, food will no longer be provided at meetings and workshops. However,
you may bring your own food to meetings and workshops if you would like
to do so.
Please accept my apology for the change. Management will reevaluate this
decision during the next budgeting session.
Please contact me if you have any questions about the policy change. Thank
you for your patience and understanding.
As a rule, be serious when delivering bad news, or your audience will be confused
about the seriousness of the message. In the example about the change in the refreshment
policy, it would be clumsy and for certain readers insensitive to include a quip such
as Good time to go on a diet!
Empathize. Recognize that your readers will have feelings about the bad news. Netflix
experienced a huge backlash when it sent out a matter-of-fact email from The Netflix
Team informing customers that their monthly rental fee for unlimited streaming and DVDs
would increase from $9.99 to $15.98 (a 59 percent jump!). After two months of customer
complaints and cancellations, an email to customers from Netflix Co-Founder and CEO
Reed Hastings began this way:
I messed up. I owe you an explanation.
It is clear from the feedback over the past two months that many members
felt we lacked respect and humility in the way we announced the separation
of DVD and streaming and the price changes. That was certainly not our
intent, and I offer my sincere apology.
There is always the risk that a price increase and other changes will anger and turn
away customers. But a more thoughtful bad-news message than Netflixs original
regrettable communication would likely have reduced customer dissatisfaction and
animosity toward the company.
Be compassionate with yourself and others. When you deliver bad news, both you
and the recipients will probably feel bad. Do not be surprised or offended if individuals
shoot back sarcastic, critical emails. After all, your readers will have just learned the
information you have known for a while. Do your best to remain professional, and know
that the bad feelings will pass.
If you can legitimately do so, include the good-news aspects of the bad news. (But
see the next tip.) For example, downsizing offices may seem like bad news, but it is a
good idea if it saves peoples jobs.
Do not sugarcoat, minimize, or disguise the message with cheerful, positive
language. Bad news is not more palatable with a sweet coating, and a deceptive sweet
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coating threatens trust and loyalty. For example, companies come across as deceitful when
they centralize operations and try to promote the idea that customers will be better served
without their local representative. Reducing service while applauding the reduction does
not fool anyone.
Avoid making bad news worse by focusing on the negative aspects. Instead of We
have no idea how we will handle the situation, say, We are working on a procedure for
handling the situation. Replace I cant discuss that with you with I will share as much
information as I can. When appropriate, replace I apologize for the inconvenience with
I appreciate your flexibility.
Use a variety of media, not just email. Often the most effective communication choice
is email combined with other methods, but email alone may come across as unfeeling and
distant. When RadioShack laid off 403 employees by email, The Dallas Morning News
ran an online poll asking, Is it OK to lay off workers via e-mail? Over 90 percent of
poll respondents answered No, it should be done face to face, and many criticized the
company and pledged to boycott it. Less than 10 percent voted Yes, it doesnt really
matter how you get the news.
When you can, supplement written communication with telephone calls, in-person
meetings, live online meetings, videoconferences, and other choices. Consider expanding
written communication to include memos, letters to clients offices or employees homes,
and intranet and blog posts.
Communicate first with the people who are most affected by the bad news. For
example, if some employees will be transferred, tell them directly before you tell others
about the situation. If some customers may suffer because of a policy change, tell them
about it before announcing the change broadly. Never blog or tweet about bad news before
sharing it completely, clearly, and compassionately with those involved.
Communicate more than once, providing additional details and updates in follow-up
communications. Especially if the news is serious, people take in bad news only
gradually. After they have grasped the main message, they will want details.
The following example is the first announcement of a companys move to another
location, which will be bad news for some employees. The email does not contain every
detail about the move. Rather, it indicates that further information will follow. Note that
the news is fresh negotiations were just completed today.
Subject: Announcing Our Company Move to Beaverton Scheduled for
February
I am pleased to announce that negotiations were completed today for our
corporate offices to move to [street address] in Beaverton. The attached
sheet shows a map of the location and a photo of the building. Our current
plan is that the move will be complete by February 20.
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Benefits of the move: We have all felt the squeeze of our overcrowded
space. Our new offices will provide us with the benefits below, all at a
cost similar to that of our current downtown space:
An additional 7,000 square feet of office space
Several additional conference rooms
A conference room large enough to accommodate all-company
meetings
Free parking
Other amenities now in the planning stages
Adjustments required: This move will require adjustments from all of us,
some more than others. For staff who live in or near Beaverton, the
commute will be easier; however, for staff who live near our current
office, commuting to Beaverton is likely to be an undesirable change. We
will make every reasonable effort to ensure that the move is smooth and
workable for everyone in the company.
Tasks of the Move Committee: Our HR manager, Kamala King, will
head our Move Committee. The committee will work on the timing of the
move, green commuting strategies, office space allocation, and a variety of
other concerns. If you are interested in being part of the committee, please
talk with Kamala [phone, email] about your interest and any expertise.
Opportunities to give input into the design and amenities: We will
work with The Design Company on office amenities, dcor, and related
issues. Design Company president David Washington and his staff will
hold meetings to get your input on the features you want to see in the new
space. You can learn more about The Design Company and the awards they
have won on their website [link].
Answers to your questions and concerns: As details become available, I
will share them with you by email. Kamala will hold meetings soon to
listen to your concerns and suggestions. If you have pressing questions
now, send them to Kamala or me, and we will answer them or forward
them to someone who can.
Although change is always challenging, I hope you will join me in looking
forward to our new, larger offices and imagining the opportunities the
space will offer all of us.
Jacob
Answer essential questions. Your audience is likely to want to learn what, why, who,
when, where, how, how much, and what if. Include all the information that is important to
them. If you dont have all the details, be honest but have a plan to get the information.
(Note the As details become available wording in the previous example.) A lack of
information often creates a lack of confidence and commitment.
Individualize the message. Your clients need different information from your
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coworkers; employees have different questions from managers. Invest the time to write a
tailored message for each audience, and it will pay off in communication that is more
successful.
Use accurate titles or subject lines for bad-news communications. Avoid titles like
An Exciting Change in Benefits if the change is unwelcome to any of your readers.
Instead use the neutral Change in Benefits Effective September 1. If a title seems
misleading, readers will be skeptical about your entire message.
Avoid blaming other individuals. It may be tempting to blame others for the bad news
you must share, but blaming individuals or groups can be seen as unseemly and cowardly.
However, vague blame for example, blaming the economy, government regulations, or
natural disasters is acceptable and understandable to your audience, if it is truthful.
Mention anything you are doing to reduce the impact of the bad news. For example,
if a well-liked assistant is being laid off because of budget cuts, tell how you will help the
employee find a new job. Or if a delay means you cannot ship an order in time for holiday
delivery, state what you can ship as a replacement, what type of gift card you can provide
until the product is available, etc.
Write your bad-news messages even when you will speak them. Without a script, it
is too easy to state incorrect information and make unrealistic commitments both of
which eventually lead to bad feelings and damaged trust. If you will speak at a meeting, be
prepared with answers to questions people are likely to ask.
Keep your promises to communicate. If you say you will provide more information on
Monday, do it. If the information is not available, say so. Broken promises make bad news
worse.
Communicating Tragic News
This email communicating tragic news at a university displays many features of an
excellent bad-news communication. It delivers the news promptly. The message is clear
and complete without revealing confidential information. It expresses condolences and
empathy, and it shares abundant information about resources for all involved. Note: All
specific details in the email have been disguised.
Subject: Sad News on Our Campus
Dear Members of the University Community,
I have very sad news to report. Last evening one of our students living in
Baker Apartments died. The Lincoln County Medical Examiner has
determined that his death was suicide. This is a heart-rending experience
for all of us, and our sincere sympathy goes out to his family and friends.
There is little comfort to be had at a difficult time like this. It is a terrible
loss, and we know members of our university community have come
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together to support each other. We hope you will all continue to do so.
Last night, staff from the Student Life Office were on the scene late into the
night, providing support to students. These psychologists and counselors
will continue to provide assistance for as long as is necessary. During this
trying period, we want to remind you of the array of resources available to
the university community, including professional counseling services for
students, faculty, and staff. These services include:
The Counseling Center, staffed by psychologists and counselors
who provide counseling, assessment, and crisis intervention services
to currently enrolled students. For more information call [phone] or
visit [website].
The Craig Mental Health Center offers a variety of services to
students, faculty, staff, and alumni, providing high-quality mental
health services. For more information call [phone] or visit [website].
Wellness and Health provides consultation, assessment, and
intervention services to students in times of need. Wellness and
Health works with students, faculty, and staff to provide a safe and
supportive response when coordinated services are necessary. For
more information call [phone] or visit [website].
Please take advantage of these services if you need support, and please
take good care of yourself and one another.
Sincerely yours,
Clayton Washburn
Vice President, Student Life
Recognize Bad News
Anytime information is not welcome to your audience, it is bad news, even if it seems
positive or neutral to you. For example, changing health plans is bad news to an employee
who likes the current plan, even if the new plan is better. Being enrolled in a training
program is bad news to busy managers who dont know why they are there as this story
of mine illustrates:
The group of managers walked into a Better Business Writing class I was set to teach,
talking to each other but not to me. They responded to my greeting but did not seem
especially glad to meet me.
Despite the chill in the classroom, I led the session as I usually do. By the end of the
1.5-day writing class, people were pleased about what they had learned and enthusiastic
about applying it on the job. Only as they were leaving did I find out why they had been
cool at the beginning of the class. One manager happened to tell me this: No one told us
why we were signed up for this class. We just found it on our calendars, no explanation.
Were busy managers a 1.5-day class meant we had to cancel standing meetings,
without any explanation of why we needed to work on our writing.
No one had taken the time to tell the managers the bad news that they would have to
cancel meetings and put aside projects to attend a 1.5-day training. And no one had taken
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the time to explain why.

Here is the message the managers should have received:
Subject: Better Business Writing Class
The members of the executive team took a writing class we all found
valuable. We want to extend the same opportunity to you and the other
managers. The class is scheduled on [dates] at [times] and has been added
to your calendar.
We know your schedule is very busy and that attending this training may
feel like a hardship. But taking time now to tune up your writing skills will
save you significant time later. We have already seen an improvement in
our writing. Note: You can work on real work documents in the class, so
you can get your job done while you learn.
Please stop by to talk to your director if you have questions about the class
or concerns about the timing.
Whenever you worry that someone will feel bad about an action you will take or a
decision you have made, decide how you will communicate about the potential bad news.
Even a small gesture such as unsubscribing from someones newsletter or feed can cause
hurt feelings. In those situations, consider sending a message like one of the following.
The first is an email; the second, a text message.
Subject: Unsubscribing from feeds
Hi Chloe,
Today I spent an hour unsubscribing from newsletters and feeds I cant
make time to read. Rather than having them hanging in my inbox and filling
my phone, where I feel guilty that I am not reading them, I decided to
unsubscribe.
I wanted to let you know I unsubscribed from your feed. You write about
cool, fascinating things, but I am going to keep up with you other ways.
I promise to stay in touch!
Sky
Hey Jos. Whats up? I wanted to tell you I unsubscribed from your feed.
Nothing personal I just need more time to get things done. When I see
you, we can talk about soccer, life, and so on. Manny
If you dont feel comfortable sending such a bad-news message, and the relationship
matters to you, make time to talk to the individual. That way, you can reduce the chances
that your simple gesture will damage your relationship.
Be Courageous: Communicate Bad News
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Rather than communicate bad news, some people just dont communicate at all, as though
it will simply blow over. But that behavior can lead to others feeling let down, left out,
overlooked, deceived, and unvalued. Although not communicating is often an attempt to
avoid hard feelings, it regularly leads to them.
The courageous alternative is to communicate bad news promptly and diplomatically.
That means informing job candidates when a position has been filled by another qualified
applicant. It means letting vendors know that their contracts will not be renewed. It means
being honest about higher prices rather than pretending that prices will not go up to avoid
losing customers. And it means telling employees when the company has plans to
downsize.
Understand This: Delivering Bad News Can Be Good
In my work as an outplacement consultant, I observed that a layoff message delivered in
person or in writing is very difficult to receive, especially when it is unexpected. But even
when the bad news is very bad, there is a personal payoff for delivering the message well.
Despite the message or perhaps because of it delivering bad news clearly rather
than confusingly, carefully rather than thoughtlessly, and straightforwardly rather than
cagily can lead to a deepening of respect and understanding between people. People I
laid off sometimes became friends of mine, even though we were strangers at the time of
the layoff. I was there for them at a difficult time, communicating the bad news and helping
them understand it.
You can help people the same way, deepening your business relationships, by
communicating bad news with courage and compassion. Although the title of this chapter
is Share Bad News Without Fostering Bad Feelings, it helps to recognize that bad news
communicated well can lead to good feelings and stronger relationships.

Personal Reflection
Remember a time when you had to communicate bad news. How well did you
communicate it? Now think of a time when you received bad news. Was it
communicated effectively? What do you wish the person who shared it had done
differently?
Next Step
For any project plans you are working on, add Communicate bad news to the task
list. If you plan to implement changes, list the people whose work lives may be
negatively affected, at least from their perspective, and be sure to communicate with
them about the changes.

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CHAPTER 12

Say No Clearly and Courageously

If you have ever had to say no in writing, you realize it can be a difficult message to
write. It is not necessarily the wording that challenges you. Its the idea of saying no to
other people whose goodwill you value. You worry about how they will react to the no,
whether it is with disappointment, anger, disbelief, belligerence, or embarrassment. You
may worry that they will complain to others, say negative things about you, or publish
harsh comments about you or your company online.
If you have decided to do nothing rather than say no, you are not alone. According to my
survey, rather than tell someone no, 22 percent of people occasionally avoid responding; 3
percent frequently avoid responding in such a situation.
Below is the story of Melanie, who could not say no either in person or in writing in a
situation that began at work. The story is essentially true, although details have been
changed. As you read Melanies story, notice whether any part of her feelings or the
developing situation is familiar to you.
Melanie was 23 years old and worked in a government agency. She had a coworker,
Aleea, age 20. They frequently ate lunch together and went shopping occasionally. People
often commented on how strikingly alike they looked.
One day Aleea approached Melanie with a strange request: Aleea was going on
vacation to Hawaii with a friend and her family. Because the legal drinking age in Hawaii
is 21, Aleea wanted Melanie to help her acquire an ID she could take to Hawaii to show
she was 21 and old enough to drink.
Melanie was astonished as she realized Aleea had worked out all the details. Melanie
was to report her drivers license as lost and order a new one online, which Aleea would
pay for. When the new license arrived, Melanie was to lend her old drivers license to
Aleea, who would take the ID to Hawaii, pretend to be Melanie, and be able to drink Mai
Tais in bars and restaurants with her friend. When Aleea came back to work after the
vacation, she would return the ID to Melanie, who could then destroy it.
Melanie thought the idea was nutty, but she could see Aleeas point of view. She herself
had enjoyed the bar scene in Honolulu. And the crazy plan would probably work, since the
two looked so much alike. At the same time, Melanie wanted nothing to do with requesting
a new license on false pretenses, and she knew she would never agree to do it.
Yet Melanie could not say no. She didnt want to let Aleea down, and she didnt want
to appear to be unwilling to help. She also did not want to come across as a goody-goody
or suggest that Aleea was less than ethical. And she feared a big blowup that would
damage their friendship.
Not knowing how to say no, Melanie half-heartedly said she would think about it. She
avoided Aleea for a few days and hoped Aleea would forget about it.
Aleea did not forget. When she tracked down Melanie at lunch one day, Aleea let
Melanie know that she had gone online, pretended to be Melanie, and ordered the
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replacement license. The new license would be mailed to Melanie within two weeks,
easily in time for Aleeas trip to Hawaii. All Melanie had to do was give Aleea her old
license when the new one arrived.
Melanie was flabbergasted. She could not believe Aleea had ordered the license. But
then Melanie blamed herself for not saying no right away when Aleea had suggested it.
She worried that now she owed the license to Aleea, who had paid $25 for it. She knew
she would not turn the license over to Aleea, but still she could not say no.
Melanie received the new license in the mail within a week. When it came, she decided
firmly that she would pretend it had never arrived.
Soon Aleea was asking Melanie every day if the license had come, and every day
Melanie lied and said that it had not. The night before she was to fly to Hawaii, Aleea
phoned Melanie, anxiously asking Melanie to give her the old license, since the new one
would surely arrive the next day. That time Melanie did say no. She said she could not
give Aleea her license because then she would not have one herself and would not be able
to drive.
Melanie dreaded Aleeas return from her vacation. When Aleea returned and eventually
asked if the license had ever arrived in the mail, Melanie said it had not. The two women
endured a strained work relationship.
A Typical Downward Spiral When You Cannot Say No
Did any parts of Melanies story seem familiar? Here is what typically happens in
situations when it is difficult to say no:
Someone a business associate, applicant, vendor, solicitor, employee, coworker,
or potential customer, lets say makes a request that you cannot (or dont want to)
agree to. Maybe the request is impractical, not profitable for you, or against your
company policy. Maybe it doesnt appeal to you or would require too much effort.
Maybe it is illegal (as in Melanies situation), unethical, or unprofessional.
You find it difficult to say no for one reason or many. The reasons generally involve
fear: fear of a hurtful response from the other person, of retaliation, of letting
someone down, of a negative change in your relationship, of making the wrong
decision, of saying it badly, and so on.
You avoid responding directly to the person, hoping the need to say no will go away.
Unfortunately, it rarely does.
You end up avoiding the person who has made the request. You do not reply to the
persons email or voicemail messages, and you avoid places at work where the
person might see you.
You become frustrated with yourself and irritated with the other person for making
the request, which has become either a huge presence in your mind or a tiny ongoing
irritant.
The situation may take an unpleasant turn, as Melanies did, with the other person
taking action despite your lack of a response. Or you may end up telling a string of
lies.
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If you never communicate the no, the other person will eventually give up trying to
get a response from you. But he or she will have less confidence and trust in you as a
reliable businessperson.
If you do eventually communicate the no, your message may be marked by untruths or
apologies that make you feel bad.
It does not have to be that way! After reading this chapter, you will look at saying no in
a new way that will help you do it quickly and effectively.
Saying No: Think of It as a Gift
Do this: Recognize that what the person making the request really wants is an answer. Of
course, the individual would prefer a yes. But a no is normally far better than no answer at
all.
If Melanie had said no to Aleea promptly, Aleea might have exploded in anger, or she
might have sulked for a while. She certainly would not have spent time and money
ordering the license. She would not have wasted time and effort repeatedly asking
Melanie whether it had arrived. She would not have waited in anticipation for the license
and would not have made the last-minute phone call pleading with Melanie to lend Aleea
her license.
Compared with the way things evolved, a no would have been a gift to Aleea.
As the reader of this book, you probably dont care about Aleea. After all, her request
was ridiculous and her behavior unethical. But think of Melanie. Saying no would have
ended all her worry and wondering about how Aleea would respond. It would have
allowed Melanie to move on. Sure, she might have felt awkward around Aleea for a few
days, but that discomfort would have been nothing compared to what actually happened.
Think of saying no as courageously giving a gift to the other person and to yourself. It is
the gift of being able to move on. Had Melanie thought of saying no as a gift to herself and
Aleea, she might have sent this email shortly after Aleea made the request:
Subject: Your Idea for Hawaii
Hi Aleea.
I thought about what you asked me at lunch, about Mai Tais in Hawaii. I
have to say no. Its just not okay with me. Sorry!
I hope you have a great time anyway.
Mel
Aleea would not have been pleased. She might have gotten angry and retaliated
somehow. She might have ended their friendship, which would have hurt Melanie despite
their apparent difference in values. Yet the friendship ended anyway when Melanie could
not say no.
It is also possible that Aleea would have responded mildly. She might have gone up to
Melanie in the cafeteria the next day and asked, Are you sure? Its not a big deal, just a
drivers license. Melanie might then have said simply, Im sure. Sorry. And Aleea
might have dropped the subject.
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The Parts of a No Message

A written no message typically requires only these three parts:
A neutral or positive opening
A clearly stated or strongly implied no
A positive or professional close
My daughter Eva received this email from her piano accompanist, Valerie Shields,
replying to Evas request for accompaniment at a fundraiser:
Hi Eva [neutral or positive opening],
I regret that I wont be able to accompany you on April 11 [clearly stated
no].
Hope all is well with you and that you are enjoying your senior year [a
positive close].
Best wishes,
Valerie
The message says no clearly and concisely, yet it supports the relationship between the
two musicians.
Depending on the situation, you may want to expand the message by adding one or more
of these additional parts:
An explanation for the no
An offer of an alternative
A brief apology
Imagine the situation of an entrepreneur named Seth, who was asked by someone in his
professional circle to write a review of her book. Seth skimmed the book and hated it.
Rather than writing a negative review, which his colleague would not have wanted or a
dishonest one, which he was not willing to do he decided to send a no message.
Seth felt the message required an explanation for the no. He considered saying he did
not have time to read and review the book, but he feared that his colleague would then just
ask him to write the review when he did have time.
Here is the no message he sent:
Dear Ellen,
Thanks for inviting me to review your new book [positive opening]. I have
scanned it, and I do not feel in tune with the books approach enough to
endorse it [brief explanation for the no]. Therefore, I am going to decline
the opportunity this time [clearly stated no].
Cheers [positive close],
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Seth
Seths no message is brief and clear without criticizing Ellens book. Although she
would undoubtedly be disappointed, she could not fault him for anything but being not in
tune. On the positive side, Seth gave her the gift of a clear, quick response.
In the email below, I responded to a colleague in my professional network, someone I
do not know well. She had written to express interest in referring training opportunities to
me, for a 10 percent referral fee. She asked whether I would be open to such an
arrangement. This no message includes an offer of an alternative.
Dear Faith,
Thank you for thinking of me for possible training opportunities. I
appreciate your vote of confidence [positive opening].
Paying a referral fee is not something I am interested in doing [strongly
implied no]. I prefer to refer work to other people and accept referrals
from them without fees involved [brief explanation for the no]. I would be
happy to have that kind of relationship with you [offer of an alternative].
Please let me know if you are interested in working that way.
I wish you much success in your business [positive close].
Lynn
Faith responded agreeably to the no message I sent. Our professional relationship is
intact despite my having said no to her invitation.
Saying No in Many Situations
Here are examples of other situations in which you may wish to say no. Notice that all the
messages have a positive opening (sometimes just a simple greeting), a clearly stated or
strongly implied no, and a positive or professional close some close both positively
and professionally. Some include additional parts: an explanation for the no, an offer of an
alternative, or a brief apology.
When an employee emails to ask for a week of vacation:
Brad,
Thanks for asking me about taking the week before Christmas as a vacation
week. Unfortunately, in our retail environment I cant approve your
request.
The week before Christmas is the busiest week of the year for us. Thats
why our policy requires nearly every employee to work that week.
We do have a rotation that permits employees to take vacation time that
week or the week after Christmas every four years if they wish to. You
will be eligible for either of those weeks in your fourth year with us.
You will have Christmas Day and New Years Day off as paid holidays
because the store is closed. Also, because you are working Christmas Eve,
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you will have New Years Eve off. I hope those days off will make up for
having to work the week before Christmas.
Let me know if you have questions.
Julian
Before writing the message above, Julian may have been thinking, Vacation the week
before Christmas? Is this guy insane or from outer space? This is retail! However, his
purpose was not to ridicule the employee. It was to say no and maintain a good work
relationship. So he kept those thoughts to himself.
When an employee makes a written request for approval to attend a training
program:
Lester, thanks for asking permission to attend the conference in Ontario. I
believe the program would be excellent, and I wish I could say yes.
However, I cannot.
There is a company-wide push toward cost-effective training and
education. We are asking all managers and staff to use our own training
department, which offers a variety of very good programs. We are also
encouraging everyone to consider programs at local colleges and
universities. These are often an excellent value.
Please talk with Nathan Griffin in the training department about the courses
we offer. Nathan also maintains a database of programs offered locally,
with particular emphasis on those serving our industry.
Thanks for taking the initiative on your professional development. Please
let me know if you want to discuss this.
Larry
When a potential client asks for a discount:
Dear Mr. Gomez:
Thank you very much for following up on our proposal so promptly. We
are pleased that you are enthusiastic about our ideas, and we are all
looking forward to the start of the project.
In your message, you asked about the possibility of a discount because of
your organizations nonprofit status. We would like you to know that we
reviewed a wide range of factors when we computed the proposed fees,
and we have offered you our very best pricing. We hope that when you
consider the anticipated results of the project, you will agree that the
investment is sound.
We look forward to your approval of the proposal. When we hear from
you, we will draw up a letter of agreement.
Sincerely,
Maura
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Maura Howe
Director of Business Development
When a potential customer asks for a free sample:
Dear Ms. Powell:
Thank you for writing to us and requesting a sample from our catalog. We
were happy to hear from you.
We do not provide free samples. However, if you order a sample product
and are not satisfied with it, we will refund the cost of the item, along with
the shipping costs you paid. You will not pay anything unless you choose to
keep the item.
Please phone or email us if you have any questions. We look forward to
receiving your order by phone, by email, or online.
Best wishes,
Todd Thrush, Customer Service Representative
[Contact information]
When a peer emails to ask for your participation in a panel or a project:
Dear Jillian,
Thanks for thinking of me. Unfortunately, my schedule and workload for the
foreseeable future preclude me from participating in this interesting effort.
Best regards,
Elijah
When a stranger asks for the opportunity to write a guest blog post:
Thanks for asking about a guest post. We are not using guest writers at this
time.
Good luck with your business!
Crista Turner
LMNOP Company
When a coworker asks for a conference room he needs for his team training:
Hi Zach. About Columbia sorry I cant give it up. I want to impress the
interns with the view and the free food next door. Its their first day.
Hope you find another spot.
Peter
Consider how Zach might feel if he had received this brief response instead:
No can do.
Peter
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If Zach and Peter have a good work connection, the three-word response might be
enough. But if their relationship is not solid, the lack of investment Peter made in the
message could negatively affect their work relationship.
When a coworker asks for your password to get a discount on a website:
Hey Casey,
I am not comfortable sharing my password for the site. It just doesnt work
for me.
To get the discount, you can register yourself and get a password of your
own. I believe the membership fee is just $25/year. Its really worth it if
you are going to make many purchases.
Ciao,
Sara
Notice that Saras message does not criticize Casey for asking for her password. The
purpose of the message is to say no not to teach Casey about ethics.
When a coworker asks for your security card to enter a building after hours:
Hi, Long. I got your message about my key card. Sorry, I cant lend it out.
If you need to get into Preston on the weekend, ask Eleanor for advice. I
know she has arranged with Security for other people to enter on
weekends.
Best,
Dell
When an employee asks for an advance on a paycheck:
Hi Gretchen,
I am sorry I cannot approve an advance on your check. I have a
longstanding policy of not providing advances, for many reasons.
Dorothy in Employee Assistance might have some helpful ideas. Also,
during the last week of this month, we will conduct our annual inventory,
when you can choose to work overtime. I hope making extra money that
week will be helpful to you.
Garlin
When You Need to Say No Repeatedly
Messages communicating a no are not always successful. Sometimes you need to say no
repeatedly. For instance, imagine yourself in the shoes of Susan, a web designer, whose
client has asked her to update his website. However, he is more than a month late in
paying Susans most recent invoice. Susan is angry about not being paid, and she is not
willing to complete more work before he pays the overdue amount. Her prompt reply to
her client includes all six parts of the no message:
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Hi, Dave. Im glad you are getting web traffic and conversions on your
site. Thats great [positive opening]!
I am sorry I cannot do updates on your site until I receive payment for the
work I have done so far [clearly stated no with a brief apology]. Our
contract stipulates payment within 30 days, yet my invoice for $390 is
more than one month past due [brief explanation for the no].
As soon as I receive your check or credit-card number for the payment, I
will be glad to implement the updates you requested [offer of an
alternative].
Best [professional close],
Susan
Within minutes, Susan received Daves reply:
Susan, this isnt fair. I had no idea you wouldnt do work until you got
paid. You never told me that.
I need these changes. I have a gig coming up and Im up against the wall.
We have to get it on the site or I will lose money and you will never get
paid. Youve got to help me.
Dont let me down PLEASE.
Dave
Now Susan had to decide how she felt about the situation. She stayed firm in her
decision that she would not do additional work for Dave until he paid what he owed her.
They did not have a long-term business relationship that would make her ignore the terms
of their contract in this one instance. It was important to her that he abide by their written
agreement.
Notice where her response again includes all six parts of the no message:
Hi, Dave. Thanks for letting me know how you feel. You are correct that I
never told you I would not do additional work until I received payment.
You and I have a signed agreement that states that payment is due within 30
days. It is now over 60 days since I emailed the invoice for $390 to you.
Because I have not received payment according to the terms of our
agreement, I am not willing to do additional work. I am sorry about this
situation.
Please provide me with a check or credit-card number to process for $390.
Once I receive your payment, I will perform the updates quickly.
Best,
Susan
In her message, Susan repeated her offer to get to work on the updates as soon as she
received a check or credit-card number. Her messages were consistent and clear.
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Dave responded this way:

I dont have the money or I would pay you. I need to make money with this
gig to pay.
Can you make an exception this time PLEASE?
Susan could again decide to perform the work for Dave or say no. Here is the
professional email she sent in which she continued to incorporate all the parts of the no
message:
Dave, I understand your situation and am sorry about it. My answer is still
no. I do not wish to make an exception.
If you can find a way to pay for the work I completed, I will make your
updates an immediate priority.
Please let me know if anything changes about your ability to pay. I really
hope things work out for you.
Susan
Of course, Susans messages did not seem like a gift to Dave. He needed additional
work done on his website now, and Susan refused to complete the work without prior
payment of his unpaid invoice.
But Susan did give Dave a gift whether he recognized it or not. The gift was clarity.
Susan made her policy completely clear to him. She did not cause him to waste time or
resources waiting for delayed responses, second-guessing her intent, or trying to find
holes in poorly stated messages.
Saying No Respectfully and Professionally
Beyond her clarity and quick responses, Susan treated Dave with respect. She did not
criticize his money management skills or complain about his delayed payments. She used I
statements to communicate her no messages:
I am sorry I cannot do updates on your site until I receive payment for the
work I have done so far.
Because I have not received payment according to the terms of our
agreement, I am not willing to do additional work.
My answer is still no. I do not wish to make an exception.
Those statements work well because her purpose was to say no to Dave and do so
professionally. Her purpose was not to label him, teach him, or shame him, as these
statements would have done:
Your treatment of me is completely unfair and uncalled for [labeling].
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As a businessperson, you need to be able to manage your accounts payable

[teaching].
How can you ever expect to be a successful businessman if you treat me in
such an unbusinesslike way [shaming]?
Certainly, Susan may be tempted to point out that Daves request is unfair and his
behavior disrespectful. But if her purpose is to say no clearly and professionally, steering
clear of language that puts Dave in his place is her best approach. Her goal is not to
reform Dave. It is to run her business well.
You may have wondered about the use of the word sorry in Susans messages. Susan is
not the person who has ignored the terms of their contract. Why should she apologize?
I am sorry I cannot do updates on your site until I receive payment for the
work I have done so far.
I am sorry about this situation.
Dave, I understand your situation and am sorry about it.
The word sorry is appropriate because Susan is sorry. She is sorry about the whole
situation. Her sorry is not actually an apology (although I have called it that). It is an
expression of regret and disappointment that things are not going better. Sorry also
indicates that Susan has feelings. She is not a machine.
Susans messages do not refer to her anger, even though she is angry that Dave has not
paid her and is frustrated that he is wasting her time in this no-win email exchange.
Talking about her anger and frustration would take the focus off the purpose of her
message, which is to say no. Focusing on negative emotions could push the exchange into
an unproductive angerfest that would threaten their work relationship just as much as
Daves nonpayment threatens it.
Only if Susan is unwilling to work for Dave in the future, even when he does pay, and
only if she wants to fire him as a client, should she even consider bringing up her anger
and frustration in her messages. If she wants to express her anger and frustration, doing so
in a confidential, professional support group is a safer, more satisfying approach for the
long term.
Clearly Stated and Strongly Implied Nos
All of the no messages you have read so far in this chapter include either a clearly stated
no or a strongly implied one.
Examples of a clearly stated no:
I regret that I wont be able to accompany you on April 11.
Therefore, I am going to decline the opportunity this time.

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Unfortunately, in our retail environment I cant approve your request.

Strongly implied no:
Paying a referral fee is not something I am interested in doing.
We are not using guest writers at this time.
We would like you to know that we reviewed a wide range of factors when
we computed the proposed fees, and we have offered you our very best
pricing.
When you write to U.S. business readers and other people who communicate in a direct
style, it is essential that your no be clearly stated or strongly implied. Without an
unmistakable no, the other person will wonder whether you said no and may even think
you said yes.
The implied no in this message is not strong enough to remove all doubts:
Hi, Cheri.
I received your message about taking PTO [paid time off] on Friday. Cassy
and Fleur are scheduled to take that day off.
Tyler
This version removes the doubt with a clearly stated no, and it includes an apology:
Hi, Cheri.
I received your message about taking PTO on Friday. Because Cassy and
Fleur are scheduled to take that day off, I cannot approve your request. I am
sorry it did not work out this time.
Tyler
The ambiguous no message below is a response to a therapy patients request to change
a next-day appointment from 4 p.m. to 6 p.m.
Hi Christian,
My policy, as you know, is 48 hours notice except in emergencies, and I
must stick to it. Changing an appointment in less than 48 hours counts as a
cancellation and is the patients financial responsibility.
Lyle
This version includes a clearly stated no:
Hi Christian,
I am sorry I cannot change your appointment from 4 to 6 p.m. tomorrow.
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My policy is 48 hours notice except in emergencies, and I must stick to it.

If you are unable to make your appointment tomorrow, I will regard it as a
cancellation and expect payment for the appointment.
Please let me know if things do work out for you to come at 4.
Lyle
This story of Professor Bermudez and a student, Ms. Levitt, serves as an example of
where indirect no messages can lead.
Professor Bermudez received a request for a recommendation from Ms. Levitt. He did
not want to recommend her because of her lackluster performance and limited
participation in his course. Writing in a style that is comfortable for him, the professor
sent this no message:
Ms. Levitt,
Regarding your message requesting a recommendation letter, I have had
limited opportunities to become acquainted with your strengths and
accomplishments. For that reason, a recommendation from me would not
be helpful to you.
I wish you success in finding a suitable program.
H. Bermudez
The professors implied no was not strong enough for his reader. He received this
response:
Hi Professor,
I would be glad to meet at your convenience to discuss my strengths and
accomplishments. Once you have this information, I hope you will be able
to write a recommendation for me.
My schedule is flexible. Please let me know a good time to meet with you,
and I will bring my CV [curriculum vitae, the name for a resume in the
academic world] and supporting documents.
Best,
Kat
In Professor Bermudezs mind, Ms. Levitts message gave further evidence that she was
not a perceptive student. He wrote to her again:
Ms. Levitt,
My schedule precludes meeting with you in the near future. May I suggest
that you request a recommendation from other faculty members?
Sincerely,
H. Bermudez
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A month later he received this reply:

Hi Professor,
I was wondering whether your schedule had cleared enough for you to meet
with me. I would really appreciate it if you could write a letter of
recommendation for me.
Can we schedule 15 minutes to go over my strengths and accomplishments?
I am available at your convenience.
Best,
Kat
Here is the final message in the exchange between Professor Bermudez and Ms. Levitt:
Ms. Levitt,
I am afraid I cannot write a wholly positive recommendation for you. I
strongly suggest that you request recommendations from faculty members
who admire your work.
H. Bermudez
That message from Professor Bermudez finally includes a very strongly implied no: I
cannot write a wholly positive recommendation for you. If the professor had included
that statement in his first message, Ms. Levitt would not have continued to ask for his help.
However, in some cultures, a direct no is considered rude or highly inappropriate.
Perhaps Professor Bermudez finally became direct because he feared Ms. Levitt would
never stop pestering him!
Give the Gift of No
The purpose of this book is to build and sustain relationships through effective, heartfilled business writing. In many cases except when you want to end a business
relationship intentionally the purpose of saying no is the same: to say no while
preserving the business relationship. You can achieve that purpose by taking the
courageous, difficult step of writing the message. If you do not take that step if you
leave the other person wondering and waiting you will jeopardize the relationship and
possibly destroy it, perhaps before it has even begun.
When you have decided to say no, say it clearly and courageously. Think of your no
message as a gift to the other person and to yourself.

Personal Reflection
In my survey, one person commented on saying no this way: Ive learned to say no. I
love it! Have you learned to say no? What do you need to do or to tell yourself in
order to say no and love it or at least tolerate it?
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Next Step
Think of a situation in which you may need to say no to someone. Use the sample
messages in this chapter to draft a response.

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CHAPTER 13

Disagree With Discretion, Not Destruction

Pavel was a flamer, someone who sends hostile electronic messages. His boss had sent
him to my Better Business Writing class because when Pavel disagreed with people in
writing, he destroyed relationships. Pavel (not his real name) had been told he was brutal
in his writing, and he wanted to find out what he needed to change. He felt clueless.
It was easy to recognize what Pavel was doing wrong. He described a situation in
which he had responded to someone whose work, to Pavel, was obviously below
standard. He had written to his colleague, I would rather have my teeth extracted than do
what you suggested. When I asked Pavel whether that statement might have been a bit
harsh, he told me the harshness was warranted because his colleagues idea was terrible.
Pavel could not disagree without destruction.
His background was the key to Pavels communication problem. Just a few years
earlier, he had come to the United States from an Eastern European country that values
directness. Besides the bluntness that was second nature to him, he did not recognize tone
differences. For example, he saw little or no difference between the sentences in these
pairs:
I have no idea what you are talking about!
I do not understand your point yet.
What in the world do you mean?
What do you mean?
Pavel had the tone deafness of Dr. Sheldon Cooper, a brilliant but emotionally
insensitive character in the TV sitcom The Big Bang Theory. Considering the sentences
above, Pavel (and Sheldon) would argue, But I dont have any idea what they are talking
about. Why cant I say that? And they might both shake their head in frustrated
puzzlement, trying to understand why the phrase in the world in What in the world do
you mean? would incense their coworkers.
Although you may not have Pavels challenge of moving to a different culture and
missing linguistic subtleties (or Sheldon Coopers emotional denseness), you too may feel
challenged when you need to disagree. You may struggle to think of ways to communicate
your disagreement without offending. You may labor to find the appropriate words. You
may wrestle with how much detail to include to make your point without making an enemy.
This chapter offers many examples of phrasing and several sample messages to help you.
Or you may agree with Pavel. You may be wondering what is wrong with exclaiming,
I have no idea what you are talking about! Like Pavel, you may prefer bluntness and
forceful delivery of a brilliant argument. This chapter shows you how you can preserve
your relationships while communicating your valuable ideas.

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The Argument for Disagreeing With Discretion

From what Pavel shared in class, I sensed that his situation was becoming grave. It
sounded as though his colleagues avoided him because of his harsh communication. They
discounted Pavels comments, regardless of how brilliant he was, because the comments
came wrapped in insults. They did not seek his opinion unless they had to.
Would you want to be in Pavels situation?
Disagreeing with discretion means disagreeing with care and diplomacy. If Pavel could
change his communication style and disagree with discretion, he could:
Influence decision makers, coworkers, and peers in other departments to design
better software.
Become the expert whose opinion is sought and valued.
Maintain work relationships rather than trashing them.
Be promoted.
Happily, Pavel can learn to disagree with discretion, and so can you.
Differences: Destruction vs. Discretion
Consider the story of Kelly and Donald, two recruiters at a rapidly growing high-tech
company. In this message, Kelly disagrees with a part of Donalds proposal:
To: Donald
From: Kelly
Re: Problem With Your Recruiting Proposal
I read your proposal for on-campus recruiting. I think you are making a big
mistake to invite employees directly. You ought to go through their
supervisors. You dont want to have supervisors upset at Recruiting, as
they were with the job-shadowing program you instituted without their
involvement.
Otherwise, its okay.
Kelly
Is Donald likely to accept Kellys suggestion? If he sees the wisdom of her point of
view, he might do so grudgingly. However, it is just as likely that he will put up his
defensive shield as soon as he reads the subject Kelly wrote on the email: Problem With
Your Recruiting Proposal. The words problem and your together come across like a
dogs growl, signaling a possible attack.
The body of the email does nothing to package Kellys disagreement pleasantly. I read
your proposal contains no hint of praise. You are making a big mistake implies You
are an idiot. You ought to says I know better. Bringing up the problem in the jobshadowing program says Here you go again upsetting people. The closing, Otherwise,
its okay, does nothing to help Donald rebound from Kellys ego-destroying force.
Contrast this version of the message, which disagrees with discretion:
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To: Donald
From: Kelly
Re: Your New Recruiting Initiative
Hi, Donald.
Nice job on your new proposal for on-campus recruitment! I like it. You
always have creative ideas about how to introduce our company to
students.
I have one important suggestion: I believe supervisors will be most
supportive of your plan to take employees on recruitment trips if you issue
the invitations through them. If you invite employees directly, I worry that
supervisors may feel undermined, which could work against your plan.
To get supervisors to say yes to the invitations, maybe you could offer an
incentive such as a first crack at highly qualified candidates.
Again, nice work!
Kelly
Donald will take Kellys suggestion seriously in this second version for many reasons:
The words new and initiative give the subject line a positive feeling.
The greeting prepares him for a collegial message, not an attack.
The praise in the first paragraph communicates that Kelly admires his work.
The phrases important suggestion, I believe, and I worry communicate Kellys
disagreement without putting her in an opposing camp.
She offered a suggestion to help Donald encourage supervisors to say yes to the
invitations.
She repeated her praise of Donalds work.
Of course, the 100-word second version requires more thought and effort than the 50word first one. But the probable payoff from the second version makes the investment
worth it. Donald is much more likely to seriously consider and implement Kellys ideas
rather than attack them. The second version also solidifies a good work relationship
between coworkers.
But what if Kelly disagreed with many aspects of Donalds plan? She could still
disagree with discretion:
To: Donald
From: Kelly
Re: New Recruiting Proposal
Hi, Donald.
I read your proposal for on-campus recruitment. I want it to be very
successful, as you do, but I have concerns about parts of it.
Can we meet to talk about the parts I believe could benefit from rethinking?
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I am free this afternoon or early tomorrow morning. Please let me know

what works for you.
I look forward to our conversation.
Kelly
That message includes no criticism of Donald or his proposal, only a mention of
Kellys concerns. It sets a positive, professional tone with the phrases very
successful, benefit from rethinking, and look forward to our conversation.
You noticed that the message did not give details of what is wrong with Donalds
proposal. Whenever you can, share details in person or on the phone rather than in writing.
A written message does not allow you to gauge how the other person is reacting or to take
in information about why the individual approached the subject the way he or she did.
What if the weird idea is the CEOs?
Nevertheless, if your business associates work on the other side of the globe while you
are asleep, you may have to express disagreement in detailed emails and written reports
rather than in real time. And there are other work situations that require you to flesh out
your comments in writing.
If Kelly must put the details in writing, here is how she can write the email or memo:
To: Donald
From: Kelly
Re: New Recruiting Proposal
Hi, Donald.
I read your new proposal very carefully. You have put a lot of effort into
recommending ways we can improve on-campus recruiting.
Like you, I want this proposal to be very successful, so I am sharing these
concerns about it. Please follow up with me if any of these ideas need
clarification.
1. Inviting employees to participate in on-campus job fairs: This
is an excellent idea. I believe supervisors will be most
supportive of the idea if you issue the invitations through them. If
you invite employees directly, I worry that supervisors may feel
undermined, which could work against your plan.
2. Training for employees participating in recruitment: It is
terrific that you thought of this. Too often people overlook
training. We will need to sell this idea to managers, and I am
almost certain they would balk at four hours of training. I
recommend that we consider a one-hour or a 90-minute training
program. We can add just-in-time training at the colleges as we
set up.
3. Recruiting budget: You have estimated the costs as $25,000.
Based on my recent experiences in budgeting, I believe $100,000
is closer to what we will need. I have attached a past budget to
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give you an idea of unexpected expenses to factor in. I strongly

encourage you to reconsider this budget number, since we will
all have to live with it. I suggest a minimum of $90,000;
$100,000 will give us a cushion in case we want to add
campuses or trips.
4. Division of recruiting responsibilities: When I reviewed the
geographic breakdown, it appeared that neither of us has an
equal mix of colleges in rural areas and in large metropolitan
areas, something that is important so that we have similar travel
challenges. A trip to Ellensburg, Washington, in December is
much more challenging and time consuming than a trip to Seattle.
As someone who grew up on this coast, I would be happy to
redraw the territory in a way that equalizes the travel challenges.
Otherwise, I look forward to a revised plan from you.
[Kelly can cover more points in a similar way.]
Donald, I hope this input will help you finalize a strong, successful
proposal that will enhance our college recruiting.
Kelly
In the detailed message, Kelly disagrees with four aspects of Donalds plan. Yet she
never uses the word disagree. Avoiding that word helps her avoid a confrontational tone.
Reading Kellys message, you would never guess that her first unpolished reactions to
Donalds plan were:
Invite employees directly? Thats doomed to fail.
Four hours of training? Is he insane?
$25,000 budget in his dreams!
He gets territories like Seattle, Portland, Sacramento and I get cow towns! Not
without a fight!
I should have written this proposal myself! Its just as much work when he writes it!
Despite Kellys first thoughts, this message, like the earlier ones that disagree with
discretion:
Uses positive language such as improve, successful, excellent, supportive, and
terrific.
Avoids using the pronouns you and your with any negative words. Phrases such as
your error and you falsely assume do not appear.
Offers an alternative method for each area of disagreement, rather than just being
critical.
Avoids making any assumptions about Donalds motives.

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When You Disagree Completely

At times, you may disagree completely with someones ideas. If you can discuss the issues
with the individual, such an exchange of information is a productive approach. However,
if you cannot or do not choose to meet in person or talk on the phone (perhaps because you
want to go on record as disagreeing), you can still disagree with discretion rather than
destruction.
Imagine that Malick, webmaster for a small consulting firm, disagrees with Ahmed, the
VP of marketing, who is pushing to use customers survey comments without their
permission. Malick is the person who would be uploading the comments to the company
website. The marketing assistant, Alicia, has just sent Ahmed three such comments to add
to the site as testimonials.
Here is Malicks memo to Ahmed:
To: Ahmed Atwal
From: Malick Badami
Re: Testimonials for Website Recommendation
Ahmed, I received three excellent customer-satisfaction survey comments
from Alicia. To avoid doing something we might regret, I recommend that
we contact these customers and get their permission before publishing their
comments as testimonials. Here is why:
1. We have a signed nondisclosure agreement with one of the
companies, ABC Inc., stating that we wont use any of their
comments or company information without their permission.
Posting their comments online would be a violation of the
agreement.
2. In Ed Whites comment (XYZ Associates), he mentions his
company in less than flattering terms. If his unedited remarks
were made public, he and his colleagues could be embarrassed.
3. Because these quotes will become part of each customers
searchable Internet profile, posting them without approval could
lead to mistrust and dissatisfaction.
Yes, requesting and getting permission takes time, and we run the risk of
customer denials. However, handling our customers discreetly will help us
continue our excellent relationships with them. An act first, apologize
later policy could alienate our best customers.
I know you feel a sense of urgency about adding testimonials to our site. I
am happy to help with that effort. I can work with Alicia to contact these
customers, and others, to get permission and help them edit their comments,
if necessary.
To ensure we get permission to publish future comments, we can add a
permission box to our surveys. Customers can check the box, giving us
permission to use their comments in our marketing materials.
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Let me know how I can help.

Malick
Although Malick is surprised and annoyed that the VP of marketing would publish
testimonials without permission, those feelings do not come out in the message. Saying I
am surprised you would do this would almost certainly cause Ahmed to defend himself
or attack Malick. Describing his annoyance would not promote Malicks point of view, so
there is no point in mentioning it.
A strength of Malicks message is that he addresses Ahmeds concerns. He
acknowledges that requesting permission takes time and that Ahmed feels pressure to do
this quickly. He offers help to speed up the process, and he suggests a way to obtain
permission in the future. Malicks message includes three reasons for his
recommendation. (He does not use the word disagreement.) None of his reasons belittle
Ahmed.
Negative language has an appropriate place in the memo. The words regret, violation,
embarrassed, mistrust, dissatisfaction, a nd alienate point out the possible negative
consequences of publishing the comments without permission. Still, not one of the negative
words is coupled with the pronoun you. Malick refrains from writing You will alienate
or You will embarrass. By avoiding such accusatory sentence structures, Malick allows
Ahmed to save face.
Transforming Destruction Into Discretion
This table compares written statements that disagree destructively with those that disagree
discreetly.

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Attitude: Destructive vs. Discreet

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When you disagree in writing, your most important tool is your attitude. If your attitude is
respectful and caring, your message is likely to be supportive rather than destructive. The
statements in the Disagreeing With Discretion column of the table all communicate
support and respect. They convey a positive regard for the reader.
It will be a challenge to write a diplomatic message if your attitude is hostile,
disparaging, or unsympathetic or all three. If you have strong negative feelings toward
the person, try hard to imagine the individual as your best friend, your favorite coworker,
or your most admired public figure. This visualization may help you adjust your attitude
and make it easier for you to see the person in a positive light. Then it will be easier to
disagree with discretion.
You and Pavel Can Disagree Without Destruction
Pavel, the man whose story opened this chapter, disagreed with destruction, primarily
because of his background. He had grown up communicating bluntly in Eastern Europe,
and he did not recognize the differences between tact and tactlessness in English. Perhaps
you too have been less than successful because of coming across as insensitive or
undiplomatic. Both Pavel and you can disagree without destroying relationships if you
apply these tips:
Talk rather than write, when possible, so you can adjust your message based on the
other persons reactions and input.
Avoid the word disagree, which puts you and the other person on opposing sides.
Instead, simply state your views. Or describe them as suggestions or recommendations.
Avoid the use of the pronouns you and your with blaming language. For example,
avoid you failed and your illogical plan.
Use I statements to express concerns, for instance, I worry that and I have
reservations about
Turn criticisms into suggestions. Rather than writing, Your proposal lacks depth,
write, The proposal would benefit from more discussion of Offer ideas and
alternatives.
Communicate carefully rather than cavalierly, sincerely rather than sarcastically.
Omit exaggerations such as I would rather jump off the George Washington Bridge than
do as you suggested. Avoid superlatives such as This is the worst report I have ever
read.
Appreciate the possibility that you are wrong. Your ideas may be out of fashion or
too cutting edge for the situation. Use tentative language such as may be and could be
rather than insisting things are exactly as you interpret them.

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Avoid making negative assumptions about the other persons motives, and never
include such assumptions in your message. Assume the best of the other person.
Recognize when your negative feelings will be obstacles to writing a tactful message.
Try to see the other person in a positive light.
Relationships are built on honest, tactful communication. Disagreeing with discretion
will help you create and maintain strong business relationships.

Personal Reflection
Are you able to disagree without being disagreeable or destructive? Which
techniques and attitudes help you or could help you disagree discreetly?
Next Step
From the table that compares destructive and discreet language, choose several
discreet phrases you could apply in conversations and written messages. Memorize
your phrases and start using them this week.

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CHAPTER 14

Remind People Without Nagging or Whining

If you are like most professionals, you have to write an occasional reminder. People do
not always act as quickly as you want or need. Maybe a client has not paid your invoice
promptly or has not replied to your request for a meeting. Perhaps a peer hasnt given you
essential data or hasnt finished a report you are waiting for. Maybe your boss or a client
keeps you waiting when you need approval to move ahead on a project.
Those situations can be so frustrating! They can also be uncomfortable. Reminding the
other person can feel like nagging, grumbling, or begging none of which promotes good
will and satisfying work relationships. Despite those feelings, you must occasionally
remind someone of something to get what you need to do your job.
This chapter will help you avoid turning frustration into embarrassment and associates
into adversaries. It will help you write diplomatic, efficient reminders and even
eliminate the need to write some of them.
How to Eliminate the Need for a Reminder
Lets start by identifying with the individuals who have not yet done what you want them
to do. Why have they not paid, replied, approved, or accomplished the task you requested
of them? Each case is different, but it is likely that they are reluctant, ambivalent, unaware,
unable, or too busy to do what you want. If you can imagine your readers feeling one or
more of those ways, you can reduce the need for many reminders by providing what they
need from the start that is, when you make your original request.
When you request an action or assign a task, you can take these steps to increase the
likelihood that the person will do it, thereby eliminating the need to send a reminder:
To reduce ambivalence, personalize a message so that every individual who receives
it knows it is from you to him or her not from a department to a mass audience. When a
request goes to a group, everyone assumes that someone else will respond, volunteer, or
contribute. Use an individuals name, and let the person know why you are making the
request of him or her. You will be much more likely to receive a positive response and
will not need to send out pleading reminders.
To reduce reluctance and ambivalence, state why something is important. If people
understand the importance of your request or assignment, they will prioritize it with their
other important activities.
In my role as an instructor at the University of WashingtonBothell, I received a request
that I submit grades for summer students. The request provided these details about the
importance of submitting grades on time:
Please make every effort to submit grades on time. Students depend on
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grades for their academic survival. They need them to:

Prove satisfactory academic progress.
Fulfill prerequisite requirements for registration.
Remain eligible for athletic programs.
Receive appropriate honors.
Remain eligible for scholarships.
Remain eligible for financial aid and other government-sponsored
programs like veterans benefits.
Graduate.
How could I not submit grades on time when all of the above could depend on my
action? I took action promptly.
Another way to reduce reluctance and ambivalence is to show how taking an action
benefits the reader. Whenever there is a clear reader benefit, include it. Examples:
I will start designing your website as soon as I receive the signed letter of agreement.
When we meet, we can discuss next steps to get the project back on schedule.
Reserving your booth this week guarantees a space in the main exhibit hall.
Pay only $485 if you send payment within 10 days. Enjoy a 3 percent discount for
prompt payment!
To lessen the likelihood that someone is unable or too busy to complete a task, do
as much as you can to help the other person comply. Sometimes the smallest missing
details can lead to the biggest delays. Be sure to include all the information he or she may
need, taking the following steps:
Include your phone number, fax number, and mailing address so the person does not
need to take time to search for them.
Provide a payment link for easy credit-card payments.
Send an Outlook meeting request, or list the dates and times you are available for a
meeting.
Include a map or a link to a map so the person can find your office easily, if
something requires delivery.
Attach a template for the document you need or a sample of what you expect.
Provide links to resources for more information.
To eliminate lack of awareness, follow up on any requests you make by email. Call,
send a follow-up email, or make a personal visit within a few hours or a day of your
original request. Make sure the person received your request, understands it, and can
comply in a reasonable amount of time.
When Your Best Efforts Dont Lead to a Prompt, Positive Response
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Despite doing everything you can to make complying easy, sometimes you will need to
send reminders. Communications consultant Deb Arnold helps her clients win prestigious
awards for their training programs. She does all the right things to encourage clients to
provide timely information for award submissions, but she still has to follow up with
reminders at times. Here is an example from Deb:
Subject: Gentle Reminder FW: Your input requested for award submission
Dear [Name],
As the week comes to a close, Im getting back in touch to see whether you
might have had a chance to review the needed information for the [Award
Name].
[Name of an executive] specifically asked for your input, so I wanted to be
sure to follow up.
As I mentioned below, I can set up a call or, if you prefer to, please feel
free to send written input. Might you be able to let me know by end of day
Monday how you would like to provide your insights?
Thank you very kindly in advance for your time and important
contributions.
Best,
Deb
Deb communicates well to maintain positive business relationships. She uses the polite
Gentle reminder. She efficiently forwards her original request rather than restating it.
She uses the positive phrasing Your input requested, getting back in touch, your
insights, important contributions, and Thank you very kindly. She hints at the passage
of time with As the week comes to a close. She deftly mentions the executives desire
for input, and she frames the communication as I wanted to be sure to follow up rather
than I needed to remind you.
Tips for Gentle Reminders
Consider these tips to help you write gentle reminders that support good work
relationships:
Use I statements not you statements. I statements help you communicate facts
rather than accusations. Compare these sentences:
I look forward to receiving the sales data I requested. (I statement)
You have not yet sent me the sales data I requested. (you statement)
The I statement is true: The writer looks forward to receiving the data. In contrast, the
you statement is speculation. The writer cannot be certain that the other person has not sent
the information. If the other person has sent it, the accusation could damage the
relationship.
Notice the difference in feeling in these sentence pairs:
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You have not yet approved my check request.

I would appreciate approval of my check request by tomorrow.
You havent responded to my meeting request.
I would like to meet with you ASAP.
The I statements state the writers needs, whereas the you statements blame the reader.
T he you statements are much more likely to elicit a defensive or an argumentative
response.
Communicate consequences, which help people prioritize. People typically take
action on things that have positive consequences if they do them and negative
consequences if they dont do them.
These examples communicate positive consequences:
If I receive your input by tomorrow, I will be able to include your teams
activities in my report to the board.
If I receive your approval by Friday, I will be able to meet the registration
deadline.
These sentences communicate negative consequences:
If I do not receive your input by tomorrow, I will not be able to include
your teams activities in my report to the board.
Unless I receive your approval by Friday, I will not meet the registration
deadline.
Although I prefer communicating positive consequences, both positive and negative
consequences can move the other person to action. If negative consequences are stated
with a matter-of-fact tone rather than a threatening one, they can be effective without
threatening relationships.
Describe the next step you will take. This description may be similar to the
statements of consequences. Its purpose is to show the other person tactfully that you
intend to take action or stop action. Consider these next steps, which are all I statements:
I will phone your assistant to request an appointment with you.
I will stop by your office on Thursday to pick up the work you have
completed.
I will suspend work on the survey until I hear from you.
Include your original request, invoice, or excerpt from a statement of work, if
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appropriate, rather than restating it. Including the original communication frees you
from having to describe what you need and reduces the odds of using any blaming
language. You may say something like this:
I have not yet received the [whatever it is you are waiting for], which was
due by [date]. I have attached the original [invoice, request for approval,
etc.] as a reminder. I look forward to hearing from you by [date].
Frame your reminder as a helpful tool to encourage a positive, prompt response. For
example, depending on the circumstances, you might:
Include your latest contact information.
Update your availability list the dates and times you are still available for a
meeting.
Provide new information that makes action easy.
Some businesses take this concept of helpful reminders to a high level of customer
service. For example, I was taking a cross-country plane trip one night. On the morning of
the upcoming trip, I woke up to reminder emails that helped me travel more easily from
two companies: Alaska Airlines and National Car Rental. Both of them had sent reminder
messages whose helpful details made my life easier.
Alaska wrote with lots of good information:
Welcome Aboard. For your convenience, here is your flight information for
your upcoming trip to Orlando on Alaska Airlines or Horizon Air starting
9/25/20XX. Weve also listed useful information and services to help
make your trip easy.
Along with the weather in Orlando, Florida, Alaska informed me of my checkin time,
reservation number, flight number, seat number, and tips on carry-on luggage. I
appreciated all of these. More than that, I appreciated the fact that I did not have to sort
through my email to find information about my flight, whose reservation I had made a
couple of weeks earlier. This reminder came at exactly the right time.
National Car Rental provided the same good service. Their email began this way:
Subject: Friendly Email Reminder from NationalCar.com.
Thank you for using National to make your reservation. Below is your
confirmation number. You will need it when you get to the rental facility.
Along with my confirmation number, National gave me a link to my reservation. As
with Alaska, I appreciated having this information available at the exact moment I wanted
it.
The reminders worked for me. Both companies made it easy for me to take the action
they wanted. When I got to the airport for my flight and later to the car rental area, I did
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not drive the agents crazy because of missing information. I had all the details I needed.
Think of Alaska Airlines and National Car Rental when you remind a customer or
colleague about an assignment they still must complete, a webinar that requires their
registration, or a lunch meeting they have not yet confirmed. How can you add value in
your reminder, just at the moment the person needs it?
Never use accusing language such as You are avoiding me or You dont seem to
care about the success of this program even if you feel those statements are true. They
will only elicit defensiveness and escalate tension. At all times, stay professional.
Here is a sample reminder emailed to a client on August 24 involving the touchy subject
of a late payment:
Subject: Payment of July Invoice
Hi, Colin. As of todays mail delivery, I have not received payment for my
July invoice. According to our contract, it was due on August 20.
If you have mailed a check, please let me know. If you have not mailed it,
please send it today. I have attached the original invoice for you.
If you prefer to pay by credit card, please phone with your credit-card
details. You can reach me or my assistant, Lydia Smith, from 9 a.m. to 5
p.m. Central Time.
I look forward to hearing from you about the status of the payment.
Best wishes,
Darla
Darla Woods
[Office phone], [Cell phone]
[Mailing address]
Here is a second reminder emailed on September 1:
Subject: Overdue Payment of July Invoice
Hi, Colin. I have not received the overdue payment of $2550. If you have
not mailed it, please do so today, or phone me as soon as possible with
your credit-card information. If you have mailed the payment, please let me
know by phone or email.
I have attached the original invoice for you.
If I do not receive payment by September 8, I will need to suspend work on
the new video. As you can imagine, I would hate to have to take that step.
I look forward to hearing from you.
Best wishes,
Darla
Darla Woods
[Office phone], [Cell phone]
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[Mailing address]
Neither of Darlas messages criticizes Colin or makes any assumptions about his
behavior. When he pays the invoice, their relationship and the project can move forward
free of rancor.
Tim Jones, vice president and general manager at NetSpeed Learning Solutions, read
those sample emails and sent me information about his approach. He wrote:
I sometimes have to reach out to delinquent customers for payment. In those
situations, I may also include an either-or option to give customers a
friendly choice. For example, I might write, Mary, if you would prefer to
have me talk to someone in your accounts payable department, could you
let me know the appropriate person for me to talk to and their contact
information? Or if you prefer, I can call you later today and take your
credit-card information. What works best for you?
Tims suggestion of an either-or option gives his customers some control in a situation
that may feel out of control for them, especially if they do not have a say about when
invoices get paid in their company. He comes across as understanding and supportive.
Should You Remind People Before Something Is Due?
In high-stakes projects, it can be tempting to remind people of deadlines before something
is actually due. But that step can backfire. It can make people feel as though you dont trust
them to complete the work on time.
I raised this subject on my Business Writing blog with these questions:
If something is due at 5 p.m., is it okay to email someone at 4 p.m. with a
reminder? If you were working toward a 5 p.m. deadline, would you
appreciate a 4 p.m. email reminder?
English professor Alfredo Deambrosi shared his view of this situation:
Emailing reminders to an individual can communicate a lack of trust and
can seem like micromanaging. Those problems are drastically reduced,
however, if the reminder is sent to a group. If I am part of a group that
receives a reminder, then I do not feel singled out as someone who could
not get the job done if he did not get a reminder.
Freelance copywriter Neil Wheatley had a different point of view:
Treat others as you would wish to be treated yourself. I know I certainly
wouldnt appreciate receiving an email like that!
I agree that group emails take the sting out a little but these are not
always applicable to the situation. I find its better to show some trust in
the people youre working with, at least until theyve proved themselves
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undeserving of it!
I agree with both Alfredo and Neil. Reminders can come across as micromanaging, and
they can suggest a lack of trust, although a group reminder avoids pointing a finger at
anyone. You are better off showing trust in people.
One way to eliminate negative reactions to early reminders is to agree on them in
advance. For example, when agreeing on project timelines, you can agree that you will
send reminders at certain times during the schedule. Sending anticipated reminders, you
will not come across as lacking trust. You will simply be doing your job.
For the writing classes I teach, my clients occasionally email attendees reminding them
to turn in prework to me shortly before the work is due. Here are two examples:
Just a quick reminder that this is due to the instructor, Lynn GaertnerJohnston, today.
Thank you.
Have a great weekend!
Jayne
Hi team,
A quick reminder to send a sample to Lynn by EOD [end of day] Monday.
This will help her prepare for our workshop on Thursday.
Have a good one.
Donna
Although the reminders are friendly and brief, they may create a kind of dependency.
People can get in the habit of waiting for a reminder to take action. That is why I prefer to
wait until the deadline passes before sending a quick reminder like this one:
Subject: Quick Prework for Better Business Writing Please Send It
Today
According to my records, I have not received your prework. Can you
please respond to the request below today? Thank you!
In a business communications class I taught in an MBA program, one student blamed the
lateness of his final assignment (and his corresponding lower grade) on a fellow student.
His rationale was that the other student had always reminded him of the assignments that
were due until the final assignment. Although this was somewhat lighthearted blaming,
the same situation can occur with serious consequences if people learn to rely on
reminders and then do not receive one.
A writing class participant proposed the ideal solution to avoid irritating coworkers or
creating dependency with premature reminders: If you need something by 5 p.m., give a 4
p.m. deadline. That way, if you have not received it by 4, you can comfortably nudge the
other person.
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I like the approach of creating a deadline that is earlier than your true deadline,
especially for important projects. If you need information by, lets say, Monday at noon,
why not set a deadline of Friday at noon for getting the work to you? That way, if you do
not receive work by the early deadline, you have wiggle room, and you can send out a
reminder like this one:
Subject: Test Results for Project No. 202031
Omar, I have not yet gotten the test results from your team. I promised a
report to the client by Monday, and they are already asking me when it will
be ready.
Can you please see that I get the results by the end of the day today so that I
have time to incorporate them into the report? We originally agreed on a
deadline of noon today, but I can make anytime today work if I know the
information is coming.
Can you reply to this email and let me know the status?
Thanks!
Phuong
It is wise not to advertise wiggle room too openly. If people realize you always allow
extra time before a true deadline, they may not take your deadline seriously.
When They Dont Tell You They Have Done It!
At times you may be waiting for acknowledgment that a task has been completed, but it
does not come. Once again you have to send out something that feels like a reminder. And
once again you dont want to nag or whine.
Tim Jones has dealt with such situations and has devised a solution. He shared his
approach:
I have two coworkers who, when they finish a project or task I have asked
them to do for me, just move on without telling me they have completed
it. I have a high need for closure and like to know when a project I have
requested has been completed (when its not obvious without my asking). I
am left in the awkward situation of not knowing whether they finished the
project and not wanting to nag them about it. So I sometimes will email
them something like this: Dee, thanks very much for being willing to help
me with the XYZ project. Hey, if you have not yet finished it, can you give
me a rough ETA [estimated time of arrival or accomplishment], given the
other items on your plate? And if you have already completed it, could you
let me know? Thanks a lot.
I find that by acknowledging the very real possibility that they may have
already completed the project, my checkin comes across a bit less like
nagging.

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After sharing his ideas above, Tim followed up with me. He let me know that he had
successfully persuaded one of the coworkers to send him a simple email reply with the
message DONE when he has finished an important task. Now Tim is in the happy
situation of not having to send irksome reminder/checkins to that individual.
How to Follow Up in Email Without Feeling Pushy or Pathetic
In the online class How to Write Email That Gets Results, a participant asked this
question: When Im following up on an email that I have not received a reply to, what do
I start with? I dont like Just following up on my last email type intros.
Such follow-up messages are a kind of reminder. They can be awkward because you
dont know why someone has not responded, and you dont want to weaken your
relationship by coming across as pushy at one extreme or pitiable at the other.
Try any of these approaches, which I have used successfully when I have not received a
reply:
Share something new to get the other persons attention. For example, I might write
an opening like this: Hi, Manu. As you consider ways to improve the executive teams
writing, you may find this survey data instructive. I present the data and then ask for an
update on the prospective clients process.
Your something new might be a report you have written, an article you found in the
news, a product review, a speech you heard on YouTube, a case study, or a checklist. The
idea is to share something new to make the reader think of you and respond. You might
begin with Since I wrote to you last month, followed by your new helpful information.
Let the person know that a window of opportunity is closing. In my business, I let a
client or prospective client know that my schedule is filling up or that seats in a webinar
are going fast. For example, I might write, I know you want to offer the program in July. I
have only three days available that month: July 11, 12, and 13. Please let me know if you
would like me to hold a day for you. I only use this approach truthfully; that is, I say I
have only three days available if it is true. Clients respond well to this approach, either by
scheduling or responding that they cannot schedule yet.
Your closing window of opportunity might be a deadline for a pre-season discount, for
input into a preliminary design, for a grant application, or for meeting with you before
your vacation. Whenever you can show a benefit to replying to you promptly, show it.
I will call you often gets people moving too, like this: Hi, Rahel. I would love to
get your reaction to the proposal I sent last week. Have you had a chance to review it? I
will call you on Friday unless we have communicated before then.
Try this simple approach: Hello, John. I am forwarding the message I sent last
week to be sure you received it. I look forward to hearing from you. When I use this
opening, people frequently respond positively and include a brief apology for not
responding earlier.
People are busy. They often cannot respond as quickly as you may hope. Remember that
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what feels like a long delay to you may be standard turnaround time for them. To preserve
the relationship, think creatively and kindly about their schedule and situation.
Below is another example from Deb Arnold, which she uses when she has not yet
received client approval for a section of an award submission. Notice that her reminder
feels like a good customer-service gesture.
Subject: Gentle Reminder FW: For your review draft report
Dear [Name],
I wanted to circle back with you about your feedback on the draft report I
sent. Your deadline to submit it is fast approaching, and I want to be sure
that we have plenty of time to incorporate your comments.
Might you be able to send your feedback tomorrow? If not, what is your
sense about the timing?
Thanks so much. Please let me know if theres anything I can do to make it
easier for you to provide your thoughts on the draft. Id be happy to set up a
phone call.
Best,
Deb
Remember as you compose a first, a second, or even a third reminder: You cannot
control the other persons behavior. You can only control your own. You cannot make the
other person pay, respond to your email, send information, agree to a meeting, sign a
contract, or anything else. You can only determine what you will do. One thing you can
always do is communicate professionally and respectfully to maintain great work
relationships.

Personal Reflection
When you need to remind someone in writing to do something, do you successfully
use I statements rather than you statements? How do you make your reminders seem
helpful rather than hounding?
Next Step
Before you write your next request, review the steps under the heading How to
Eliminate the Need for a Reminder. Then try to write the request so that a reminder
will not be necessary.

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CHAPTER 15

Deal With Anger (Yours and Theirs) to Preserve

Relationships or End Them Well
True

story, details changed: Jude is a contractor who lost an assignment as an

instructional designer for a small, successful training company. He lost not only the
challenging assignment he was working on, but also any future assignments with the
company. Yet the company loved Judes work. The owner described Jude as the best
instructional designer they had ever hired.
Why was Jude fired?
Because he put his anger and insults in writing. Jude had become frustrated with a
stressful training design schedule and unrealistic demands that the training company had
agreed to with a client. He felt he was not being adequately paid for revisions the client
had requested. He felt mistreated and stretched too far.
So Jude wrote to virtually everyone at the training company, either directly or through a
ccd email, accusing them of stupid project management. He harangued them about their
decisions. He called them names. He wrote several of them more than once.
Darlene, the owner of the training company, had no choice but to fire Jude. She had
been one of his strongest fans, but he had alienated himself from everyone he needed to
work with. She could not support or defend his tirades. Even though Jude was the best
instructional designer around, he had handled the stress of the assignment by exploding,
hitting everyone around him with a barrage of email shrapnel.
Judes story is about destroying relationships. It is an example of what not to do in
response to anger and stress. This chapter gives you language, examples, and tips to help
you maintain your relationships even in charged situations or to end a relationship
professionally.
How to Protect Business Relationships When You Are Angry and Under Stress
If you, like Jude, feel pushed to the limit, you can maintain your cool and your
relationships by applying these tips unfailingly:
Do not commit your anger to writing. It will live on, long after your feelings of anger
have passed. If you are well known, an embarrassing transcript of your angry messages
could end up on the evening news.
Talk with the appropriate person, typically the person who can help you change the
situation or see it differently. That individual may be a peer, the project coordinator,
your supervisor, a mentor, a trusted coworker, or a human resources representative.
If you communicate by email, write only to the person who can make a difference
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 not to a group. Do not copy others on the message, either by cc or bcc (blind copy).
Copying others can make your anger the topic of everyones online and offline
conversations. It can also publicly embarrass the individual or individuals who aroused
your negative feelings.
If you communicate in writing or talk with the person with whom you are angry,
avoid using you statements, in which you is the subject. Instead, use I statements, in
which I is the subject and focus. For example, instead of writing, You are keeping me out
of the communication loop, write, I dont feel that I have all the information I need to do
the job. Instead of saying, You are constantly second-guessing my decisions, say, I
feel I am qualified to make certain decisions, and I would like to be able to make them
without your review.
Avoid combining the pronoun you with any negative word. These statements only
make your audience defensive:

Even though you may think those remarks are true (He does expect the impossible!),
they come from your point of view, with your understanding of the situation, with the
information you have. The other person probably has a different point of view, a different
understanding of the situation, and different information. Making such statements almost
never builds understanding and better relationships.
If the behavior that upsets you is abusive, get help from your manager, another
trusted manager or friend, or someone in human resources. Harassment and other forms of
abuse should not be tolerated in your company or agency. An ally may be able to help you
deal effectively with the situation.
Do not keep anger and frustration inside until you explode, as Jude did. Do not wait
until you feel powerless and out of control. Communicate as soon as you know or sense
that things are going wrong.
How to Request a Meeting When You Are Upset
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It is often better to talk things out than to conduct a sensitive exchange entirely through
email, especially when you are angry. But how do you compose the email requesting an
in-person or phone meeting without letting your raging emotions hijack it? The question
makes me think of an email I received from my longtime colleague Cynthia Clay.
I used to do a lot of writing for Cynthia. In one situation, I wrote a book review for
inclusion in her newsletter. She did not like the review. She felt that my huge praise for the
author, a competitor of hers, detracted from Cynthias own work. (She was right; I had not
realized my review was insensitive in that respect.)
Rather than write to tell me angrily what was wrong with the review and my approach
to the book, she wrote, I really have my knickers in a knot over this review, and Id like
to talk with you about it. Please call me when you get a chance.
It was the perfect opening for communication. Instead of telling me what was wrong
with my approach to the book, she told me that she had a problem we needed to discuss.
When I phoned her, I was not the least defensive. She had set me up for a reasonable
discussion, and I was able to revise the writing easily.
When something or someone upsets you, do not write a scathing composition and click
Send. Just send a short, simple message about your knotted knickers. Own the problem and
open the door for a productive conversation.
Follow Cynthias lead when you request a meeting by applying these tips:
Keep the request short. Dont get bogged down in details that are difficult to
communicate tactfully. You have to give enough information so the other person
understands the purpose of the meeting, but save details for the conversation.
Avoid you statements. Use I statements to accept responsibility for your needs. Think
of Cynthias I really have my knickers in a knot.
Keep the tone light by using neutral rather than negative language. For example,
say, Id like to talk with you tomorrow about the plans for the retail space. Do not say,
I saw the plans and I am very upset about the square footage for my department. That
second comment might put the receiver on the defensive.
Before he reached his breaking point, Jude, whose story opened this chapter, might have
requested a meeting with Darlene to discuss what was bothering him. He might have
written this message:
Subject: Concerns About XYZ Project
Hi, Darlene.
I need to talk with you about resolving two important issues in the XYZ
project: the schedule and the number of revisions.
Briefly, I have been working 10 hours a day to meet the original deadlines.
The new deadlines are going to be very difficult to meet without
threatening the quality of the work. I know how important it is to you to
deliver an excellent product, and I feel the same way.

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Also, my contract stipulates that two revisions of the training design are
included in my fee. The clients daily requests for revisions are adding to
my time and frustration, yet I dont have a clear way of managing or being
compensated for them.
Can we meet by phone today or tomorrow? Please let me know and suggest
a time.
Jude
Notice that the message does not attack or blame Darlene or question her judgment for
agreeing to a new deadline. It states the facts as Jude sees them and tactfully communicates
his frustration. It uses the I statements I need to talk with you about resolving two issues
and I dont have a clear way of managing or being compensated rather than you
statements like You need to explain to me how these issues are going to be resolved and
You havent made it clear how I can manage these or be compensated. It also includes
two expressions with a positive tone: resolving two important issues and deliver an
excellent product.
In my reimagining of Judes situation, I saw him requesting a meeting with Darlene to
discuss his concerns. But there are times when the last thing you want to do is to talk to the
other person on the phone or in person. That may be because he or she is domineering
or manipulative. Or it may be that you feel you cannot win: Perhaps you are reflective and
cautious when speaking, and the other person is quick, glib, and persuasive. Or perhaps
the situation is simply too filled with emotion to discuss. At other times, real-time
communication may be difficult because the other person is too busy or refuses to engage
by phone or in person. Or the individual may work on a different schedule, in a different
time zone, or on a faraway continent.
Lets imagine that Jude could not meet by phone or in person with Darlene because she
did not make time to discuss his issues. Lets say she responded to his request for a
meeting this way:
Subject: Re: Concerns About XYZ Project
Hey Jude. Sorry I dont have time to meet in the next few days. Keep on
keeping on, and we will resolve the issues as soon as we can.
Thanks.
D.
Rather than exploding in anger and frustration, Jude might have written a message like
the one below.
Subject: Re: Concerns About XYZ Project
Darlene, since we cannot meet about the XYZ project soon, I need to be
sure you are aware of several important items.
1. I will do my best to meet the new deadline; however, it will
be very difficult. I urge you to hire a second designer to work on
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the sixth and seventh modules because of the real possibility that
I will not be able to start and complete them on time. I will be
glad to orient a new designer to the project.
2. I talked with Kerry, who agreed to communicate directly with
the client so I will not be interrupted continually with requests
for revisions. She and I will communicate once a day about any
needed changes.
3. My contract stipulates that two revisions of the training design
are included in my fee. However, the design requirements have
morphed into something neither of us had planned for or included
in the contract. My plan is to track the time it takes to handle
additional requests for revisions, and I will present an invoice
for the additional changes at the end of the project.
Please let me know if you want to discuss any of the items above.
Jude
Jude cannot control Darlene, the client, or anyone else involved in the project only
himself. So the email does not attempt to control them. Neither does the message attack or
blame Darlene or anyone else or make negative assumptions about Darlenes reasons for
not agreeing to meet. Instead, it urges Darlene to hire a second designer, presents Judes
plan to have Kerry communicate with the client, and describes how Jude intends to handle
payment for additional design changes. It presents Judes views professionally.
Lets assume that the situation has not improved. Rather than blast Darlene and others,
Jude can write this message:
Subject: Urgent Action Needed: XYZ Project Issues
Darlene, the situation with the XYZ project design has worsened, and I
strongly request that changes be made now so I can continue to work on the
design.
The newest deadline is impossible to meet given the increasing complexity
of the design and the ongoing changes the client has requested. Although
Kerry has tried to work as an intermediary between us, the client has
continued to phone and email me, literally from dawn until late evening.
I urge you to step in to work with Kerry, the client, and me, so a solution
can be reached.
Please call or email me about next steps as soon as you can.
Jude
Now lets assume the worst: With no meaningful intervention from Darlene, the stress
has increased exponentially and irrevocably. Jude cannot continue to work on the project
without jeopardizing his well-being. Rather than send attack-and-blame emails throughout
the company, as he did in the true story, he can exit the project this way:
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Subject: Resignation from XYZ Project

Dear Darlene,
I am sorry to have to inform you that I am ending my involvement in the
XYZ project. Friday will be my last day of work.
I will schedule a meeting with Kerry before Friday to familiarize her with
the work I have completed and to pass the project on to her. If you would
like to be included in that meeting, please let Kerry know.
I will submit a final invoice based on the portion of the work I have
completed.
Best regards,
Jude
Just as in the true story, Jude is now out of a job this time by his own choice. But in
this message, Jude has not burned his bridges; that is, he has not severed his relationship
with the training company. Of course, Darlene will not be pleased about his leaving the
project, and she may not rehire him. But because Jude is an excellent instructional
designer, she may hire him for a less stressful project, and she will not have to defend that
decision to her staff.
Beyond the idea of rehiring Jude, Darlene can give Jude a positive reference regarding
his excellent work, although she may indicate that he deserted an important project at
crunch time. Then it will be Judes challenge to explain the situation briefly to a future
employer. Having to explain his leaving will be much easier than having to explain his
attacking everyone with explosive emails.
Why Not Express Anger?
You may be wondering why I did not communicate Judes understandable anger and
frustration in the emails I created from him to Darlene. After all, Jude might have included
an I statement like this one: I am very angry and frustrated with the new design schedule
and the clients constant phone calls.
Such a statement communicating anger and frustration is not wrong, but it puts the focus
in the wrong place on Judes feelings. What needs to change is the situation. Focusing
on the situation is more likely to inspire a positive response. An admission of anger and
frustration might have moved Darlene to respond this way: We are all angry and
frustrated! Cope!
Still, Judes frustration and anger were real, and in the real story, Jude flung his
negative emotions at everyone involved in the project. If he had instead found a sounding
board for his feelings, such as a friend, therapist, or trusted peer, he could have salvaged
his work relationships.
When a Written Message Upsets You
It would be lovely if every email, memo, and letter you received were positive and
friendly. But some of them that cross your desk or come up on your screen will be angry,
mean-spirited, or hurtful. A supervisor shouts at you in an email and copies others on
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the message. A client makes an absurd accusation in email. A colleague sends you a memo
filled with preachy, condescending advice.
In my survey on business writing and relationships:
64 percent of respondents indicated that they occasionally receive written messages
that are angry or insulting; 6 percent receive them frequently.
33 percent of respondents indicated that they have been hurt to the point of crying by
a written message they have received at work, with huge gender differences: 39
percent of women and 16 percent of men.
One respondent gave details about the hurtful message:
It was the content AND delivery, not just the content. And I would say
more lump in my throat/need to take a walk/head feeling like its going to
explode from instant pressure than crying. I have thick skin, but wow!
How should you respond to such messages? Should you respond at all? In these
situations, the usual wisdom is to avoid a written response. The advice is to pick up the
telephone to talk with the other person or to schedule an in-person meeting. That is
excellent advice. But sometimes a phone conversation or a face-to-face meeting is not
workable for the reasons mentioned earlier in this chapter.
Tips for Responding to Upsetting Written Messages
At first, do nothing. Although reacting quickly may relieve some tension, acting without
adequate thought and preparation may create more problems and embarrassment. People
often regret it later. If the situation allows you to let 24 hours pass, let it. If you can let
several days pass, that is even better. As time passes, you are likely to see the situation
from a better perspective and feel calmer about it.
Control the damage. If others received copies of the message and you are concerned
about controlling the damage, write a brief response in which you reply to all. It will
signal that you are handling the situation. Try something like this: Renaldo, I received
your message. I will send you an individual, private response and then follow up with
others as needed. After sending a brief message, take time to consider your next
response.
Get support from a trusted colleague. It is smart to get support and another persons
perspective. Be sure that individual will not share your heated comments with others.
Allegiances at work change, so use caution about sharing negative feelings.
Do not broadcast your anger or upset feelings. If you do, it may become impossible
to control the spread of private information. Also, you may be perceived as indiscreet or
unprofessional because you have publicly disparaged the person with whom you are upset.

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Decide whether you need to respond. When you can think of nothing to write in
response, it may be because there is simply nothing you can say to make the situation
better. You may have heard the expression I will not dignify that comment with a
response. Sometimes the mature response is not to respond.
Consider the possibility that you are overreacting or misinterpreting the message
and the intent. Tell yourself, I am overreacting, and heres how. Then review the
possibilities. Is it possible that the message contains unintentional errors? People have
been known to send messages addressing the reader as Stud rather than the name Stu and
to type incompetent when they meant incomplete. A human resources manager I know
wrote Hell to all! when she intended Hello to all! Giving the writer the benefit of the
doubt may lead you to a more positive interpretation.
Try to find any truth in the message. Yes, the message is hurtful. Beyond that, does it
communicate any truth? For example, is it possible that you did embarrass the other person
at this mornings meeting? Is it true that your incorrect information caused the individual to
stay at the wrong hotel in the wrong city? If you can find a bit of truth in the message, you
may find ways to forgive the hurtful language and deal constructively with the information.
Write a long, therapeutic message to yourself. In it, say everything you would like to
say to the other person. The purpose of the message is to get your own angry feelings out
so that you can deal constructively with the other person. Be sure to avoid composing this
message in email or in any other format that might be sent by mistake or read by others. If
you refer to any people or companies in this message to yourself, give them fictitious
names.
Do not accept the other persons statements as facts. Be especially cautious if he or
she accuses other people or cites the remarks of others. Discreetly investigate what
happened and who said what.
Keep value judgments, emotional language, and unsupported remarks out of any
response. State only the facts. Avoid Everyone agrees or Its obvious that Avoid
writing, Your attack on me is unjustified. Instead state, I am not sure what prompted
some of your statements. Rather than What the heck are you talking about? state, I
need more information about what went wrong. If you can avoid putting down the other
person, you can avoid becoming embroiled in a conflict. Although making a cutting remark
might make you feel momentarily pleased, it will not lead to a resolution.
Keep your response short. Some details may be necessary, but in general, the less you
write, the less the other person will be able to misinterpret or try to refute. The more you
write, the more time and emotional energy you are likely to expend on the ordeal.
Before you send it, have one or two trusted friends or coworkers review your
me ssage . These people should help you edit your reply for emotional language,
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unsubstantiated remarks, and sarcasm. Instead of saying, Right on! You told her! your
reviewers should help ensure that your message is professional and mature. Remind them
that you are not responsible for the other persons bad behavior, but you are responsible
for the professionalism of your reply.
The following offensive email to an administrative assistant came from her manager,
who was out of town at a meeting:
Subject: TYPO
Jane, you missed an obvious typo in the brochure. OUR PHONE NUMBER
IS WRONG, for Gods sake! Every damn one will need to be reprinted.
Dont you dare come to me about an end-of-year bonus! This mistake
makes me sick. What the hell were you doing when you were supposed to
be proofreading?
When Jane read the message for the first time, she focused on the attacking language.
She wanted to fire back an email, informing her manager that she would not put up with
such treatment. She wanted to take up the issue of the annual bonus and the unfairness of
denying her a bonus when she had done excellent work all year.
But Jane let 20 minutes pass during which she acknowledged that it was her job to
proofread the brochure. She found a copy of the brochure and saw that the phone number
was indeed wrong on a print run of 5000.
After thinking through what she wanted to say, Jane composed this fitting email reply:
Subject: Re: TYPO I Am Very Sorry
I am very sorry about the mistake. It makes me sick as well. I have no
explanation except that I proofread it the day I left early with the flu.
I have left a message for the printer to find out what our options are, and I
will let you know as soon as I hear from him.
Jane
In Janes brief reply, she apologized for her mistake and empathized with the managers
feeling sick over the costly error. She responded to the factual part of the message and
showed that she was taking action to correct the mistake. Nothing else needed to be done
immediately.
How Not to Handle a Situation When You Are Angry
In this next scenario, Martin let his frustration overcome his professionalism in an email to
Henry, a peer in another department:
Subject: THANKS FOR HELPING ME OUT
HENRY:
I EMAILED YOU THREE TIMES ASKING YOU TO GIVE ME LAST
MONTHS FIGURES SO I COULD INCLUDE THEM IN MY
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PRESENTATION TO THE EXEC. MGMT. GROUP THIS MORNING.

WELL, SUFFICE IT TO SAY, I GAVE THE PRESENTATION
WITHOUT THE FIGURES. OF COURSE, I WAS ASKED ABOUT
THEM AND HAD TO SAY I COULD NOT GET THEM IN TIME.
THANKS FOR MAKING ME LOOK LIKE A FOOL. I LOOK
FORWARD TO RETURNING THE FAVOR.
MARTIN
Martins frustration took over, from his sarcastic THANKS FOR HELPING ME OUT
to his closing I LOOK FORWARD TO RETURNING THE FAVOR, all in blaring
capital letters.
In his reply, Henry took the high road rather than responding in kind. He took the
emotion out of the message:
Subject: Re: THANKS FOR HELPING ME OUT
Hi, Martin. I am very sorry you didnt have the figures you needed this
morning. Unfortunately, I was sent to China on short notice to meet with a
manufacturer, and everything was rush-rush until I left. Then I didnt check
email on the plane. When I checked it today, I saw your second and third
requests. I wish I had activated my out-of-office message.
I plan to be back in the office on Friday. If there is any information I can
get for you after my return, just let me know. Again, sorry for missing your
deadline.
Henry
Henry chose not to focus on or match Martins anger and inappropriate message.
Instead, he apologized, explained, and offered to provide information when he returned.
Then he apologized again.
When Martin received Henrys reply, his own blaming email embarrassed him.
Although he was still annoyed that he had not had the data when he needed it, he
understood why Henry had not responded, and he was irritated with himself for not
tracking down the data another way.
Martin composed this reply to undo the damage of his first insulting email to Henry:
Subject: Have a good trip!
Hi Henry,
Thanks for letting me know why you didnt get back to me. I apologize for
my earlier email. I should have followed up when I didnt hear from you
with the data.
At this point there is nothing I need from you. I will talk with you when you
are back in town. Enjoy the flight home.
Martin
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Martins second message was simple and sincere. He thanked Henry, apologized, and
let Henry know that he did not need any information. Martins Have a good trip opening
and close will begin to heal any rift in his relationship with Henry.
Both Jane and Henry took the emotion out of the situation by responding calmly and
considerately. They turned a potentially ugly, drawn-out battle into a small skirmish that
avoided long-term wounds. Their messages can mend the potential damage to their
relationships.
When Effective Writing Doesnt Work
One of the hard facts of life is that some people can make our jobs miserable. Sometimes
no amount of effective writing can salvage the situation. If you repeatedly receive hostile,
angry, or critical messages from someone whose influence matters and you cannot
change the situation you may need to find a new job. Certainly, you will not want to
maintain a relationship with the offensive individual.
Or like Jude, the training designer whose true story opened this chapter, you may find
that the demands of a job are unworkable. Unlike Jude, you can leave on your terms,
having maintained a professional, positive demeanor and salvaged your business
relationships.
Remember: There are professional ways to deal with other peoples anger and your
own to preserve relationships or end them well.

Personal Reflection
In my survey on writing and relationships, 30 percent of people admitted having told
off someone at work in writing and regretting it. How do you handle your feelings of
anger on the job? Do you avoid putting them in writing? Do you have any messages
you regret sending?
Next Step
Reread this chapter whenever you find yourself in a heated situation.

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CHAPTER 16

Share Constructive Feedback to Improve

Performance and Relationships
It was my second day on the job at the bookstore warehouse on New York Citys Union
Square, where I was a part-time biller-typist in the days before desktop computers. My
first day had been a long, ultimately satisfying one. I had learned how to type invoices to
college bookstores that had ordered foreign language books, the bookstores specialty.
My desk was prominent in a huge open space that all employees walked through to get
to their work areas. As I approached my desk that second morning, I saw, propped up tall
on a typing stand, a note from my supervisor. The note went something like this:
Lynn, attached are all the invoices you made mistakes on yesterday. Please
be more careful today!
Patty
Why do I remember this short note from my second day in a part-time job a long time
ago? Is anything memorable about it to you?
I remember the note because I felt demoralized and publicly embarrassed. The note
announced my incompetence to all who walked past my desk before I arrived at 9:30. I
felt foolish because I thought I had had a good first day, taking in endless details about
foreign language books and publishers and carefully trying to avoid errors. This note
showed clearly that my first-day efforts were in vain.
This chapter will help you give constructive feedback the right way not the way
Patty did to improve performance while building relationships.
What Patty Did Wrong
Here is what my supervisor did wrong:
She wrote the message at the end of a long day, when she had no energy for thinking
about how I, a new employee, might feel.
She gave me feedback by placing a note on my desk for me to find and read in a
vacuum.
She displayed the note prominently so I would not miss it but neither would
anyone who walked past my desk.
She provided no information about how I might avoid errors.
She did not point out anything I had done well on my first day.
She did not acknowledge that errors might be expected since I was just learning my
job.
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An Opportunity Missed
Effective constructive feedback is an indispensable part of everyones professional
development, especially for people who are new on the job. Good constructive feedback
helps individuals and groups improve, adapt, and achieve their goals. Giving me feedback
on my first day on the job could have been an excellent opportunity for Patty to help me
succeed and to develop a supportive relationship with me. She might have written a note
like this one and placed it in a sealed envelope on my desk:
Good morning, Lynn!
You did a great job yesterday. You completed 60 invoices, which is a
terrific achievement for your first day, especially since most of our titles
and publishers are in foreign languages.
Some of your invoices had errors. I have kept copies of them so we can go
over them. I will show you where the errors occurred, and we can talk
about how to catch errors in the future.
I will be in late today because of a midtown meeting. When I get in, we can
talk about the invoices and about how its going. Until then, be sure to
check each invoice before going on to the next one.
Thanks for your hard work yesterday!
Patty
The second version has a completely different tone: appreciative, supportive,
nonjudgmental, and forward looking. Yet it addresses my errors.
But what if I had done an awful job on my first day? The feedback would still need to
be constructive. In the following message, you will notice changes from the previous one,
which make it appropriate for someone whose performance needs significant
improvement:
Good morning, Lynn!
Congratulations on surviving your first day. The biller-typists job can be
very challenging, especially since most of our titles and publishers are in
foreign languages.
Some of your invoices had errors. I have kept copies of them so we can go
over them. I will show you where the errors occurred, and we can talk
about how to catch errors in the future. Also, I will sit with you as you
work on some new invoices, so you can ask questions and I can guide you.
I will be in late today because of a midtown meeting. When I get in, we can
spend time together. Until then, take your time with each invoice and be
sure to check it before going on to the next one.
Thanks for your hard work yesterday!
Patty

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The Secret to Giving Constructive Feedback

In my survey on writing and relationships, 77 percent of respondents said they have felt
extremely hurt when receiving written negative feedback on a job. That hurt should not be
happening. The secret to giving constructive feedback is to recognize that it must be
constructive not destructive. It must build up the other person. Its tone should be
positive, helpful, and focused on future success. Otherwise, what is its point?
Imagine a situation in which Karla, a new junior executive, sent an email to her peers.
In response, she received the following two emails. Although both messages shared the
same information, one message built her up; the other tore her down.
Message 1:
To: Karla
From: Maria
Re: Marketing Tips
Hi, Karla.
Thanks for the excellent marketing tips. I recognized several that I can
apply to our new insurance product.
I noticed that your email included the greeting Ladies. We have had many
conversations about that greeting in the past. The consensus is that Team
or Greetings, everyone, or even using no greeting is preferable. When I
am back in town, we can have a conversation about this, and I will give
you the background (dirt). For now, I just wanted to let you know that
Ladies does not work well as a greeting for our group. By the way, Lee
Ralston is a man, which you would not have known.
Again, thank you for the tips. I look forward to seeing you next week.
Maria
Message 2:
To: Karla
From: Priscilla
Subject: We Arent Ladies
Regarding your message with the greeting Ladies besides the fact that
some of us have worked too hard to be given that dainty label, Lee Ralston
is a heterosexual man definitely NOT a lady.
Ladies may have been the right greeting where you came from, but it is
dead wrong here. I suggest you lose it.
In Message 1, Maria communicates appreciation, shares helpful feedback, and begins to
build a relationship with Karla. In contrast, Priscillas destructive, biting feedback in
Message 2 has the power to wound, embarrass, and discourage Karla, destroying any
relationship with her before it can even begin. In some cases, negative feedback like
Priscillas shuts down and silences people, who then no longer contribute their ideas and
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energy. Yet if Priscilla had made her goal Be constructive, not destructive, she would
never have written such a message.
Tips on Giving Constructive (Negative) Feedback
At one time or another, you will be required to give constructive written feedback. If you
supervise people, you will provide feedback on your employees work in performance
evaluations and other documents, and sometimes you will have more negative than
positive comments to share. When your coworkers or peers ask for your comments, you
will need to point out things that are not working or not effective, along with the
commendable parts of their performance.
The following tips will help you meet the challenges of giving constructive feedback.
Use them to write messages that help to enhance performance while building and
maintaining solid work relationships.
Establish a positive climate by making at least one sincere, positive comment
before constructive comments. Heres a simple example from a message I received from
John Cline, a training manager in Vancouver, British Columbia. John was responding to a
description of a new seminar I was creating for him. His email began like this:
Hi, Lynn,
Thanks for your creativity. I like what you have created so far.
May I suggest the following modification?
When John started with a compliment, I became open to his suggestion. If he had started
like this, I might have resisted his idea:
Lynn, I got your email. The title doesnt work. Can we change it to this?
[followed by a new title]
This opening would have disappointed me because it doesnt acknowledge anything
good:
Lynn, thanks for your work. Dont you think the title is a little too broad?
Please come up with something different.
Sometimes opening positively requires just one word. Can you recognize the word in
this emailed comment from a reader of my blog?
Hi Lynn,
I just visited your fabulous business writing blog and noticed a minor typo.
Because you are a professional writer, I thought you might like to know.
Here it is:
The word fabulous set the tone of the message. How could I reject a comment when my
work was being called fabulous?
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Notice how the tone changes when that one word is missing:
Hi Lynn,
I just visited your business writing blog and noticed a minor typo. Because
you are a professional writer, I thought you might like to know. Here it is:
Remember: It may take only one word to make constructive feedback palatable.
Share positive feedback too. Try to balance the positives and negatives so your reader
will be able to accept the constructive feedback. Even if a project, proposal, plan, or
customer interaction feels like a disaster to you, some aspects of it must be worthy of
praise.
Example A:
In your press conference, you did a good job of handling the difficult
questions about compensation. Your use of specific examples built
credibility, and the story about your first job was appropriate and
persuasive.
One area to work on for the next press conference is keeping responses
short and on topic. Detailed responses on subjects such as pension law can
lose some listeners. We can work on concise responses in our next
coaching session.
Example B:
I appreciate how quickly you got this mockup to us. You and your staff
worked fast! The colors and fabric are perfect, and the design is generally
correct.
These three details in the mockup need to be changed:
1. The pocket on the left side should have the same placement as
the pocket on the right side. In the mockup, the right pocket is
correctly placed. The left pocket should be 4 cm lower.
2. The zipper should be full-length. The mockup has only a 25cm zipper.
3. The ribbing along the bottom should be 5.08 cm. The ribbing
on the mockup is only 2.54 cm.
Sometimes you can plan the criteria you will use for your feedback ahead of time, to
ensure that some feedback items will be positive or at least acceptable. For example, I
often use a 12-point checklist to give people feedback on their writing. Among the 12
areas for feedback, there are always at least 3 or 4 the writer does well. Maybe the tone is
professional, the message is complete, contact information is included, and the writer
avoids inappropriate passive verbs. By ensuring that every writer gets to recognize and
enjoy what he or she is doing well, I can freely share what each person needs to do better.
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Avoid the pronouns you and your in constructive comments, when possible. By
avoiding the use of you with constructive feedback, you will reduce your readers
defensiveness. Notice the absence of y o u a nd your in the constructive parts of the
previous Examples A and B. Here is another example: The test data do not seem
convincing to me. That might be because I had difficulty understanding Table B.
By contrast, in positive comments, you and your are encouraging: Your test data are
very convincing, and you communicated them clearly in Table B.
Be specific, not vague. If you comment on a speech by saying, The introduction
doesnt work, the presenter will not know why it doesnt work or how it might work
better. Without specifics, the remark comes across as a putdown. Instead, write something
like this:
The introduction seems to go on too long. I understood and agreed with
your approach within the first minute, but then the explanation continued.
Why not explain the approach just once? If the audience wants more
information, they can ask you when you invite questions.
Avoid the word but after a compliment. But is guaranteed to erase any positive
comment in the readers mind, as it would in this example: Your ideas are excellent, but
you are not communicating them clearly. Notice how this revised example lets the
compliment shine: Your ideas are excellent very creative and exciting. Here are some
suggestions for communicating them more clearly.
Provide suggestions or offer to provide them. People often need specific suggestions
to be able to improve their work. Example:
Because there is a lot of text on this screen, the customer may become
frustrated and abandon the shopping cart. Some content that can safely be
deleted is
Be sure your correction is valid when you correct other peoples work. Dont hold
too tightly to your view. Recognize that there are many ways of doing things. You may see
a graphic design as cluttered, while others see it as intricate. To you, a recommendation
may be too direct, but others may find it straightforward and confident. There may be more
than one way to attach a widget to a whatsit. It is even possible that your approach is
inefficient, outdated, overly conventional, or risky.
Ask yourself: Is his or her way wrong? Or is it just that I do things differently based on
my experience? When you realize your correction is actually just another way of handling
something, think twice about communicating it at all.
Management guru Marshall Goldsmith, in his book What Got You Here Wont Get You
There, warns against adding too much value, that is, contributing your two cents to a
colleagues or employees idea. He based his warning on the contention that such
feedback makes the project or idea partially yours rather than completely the pride and joy
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of the other person. Goldsmith writes, You may have improved the content of my idea by
5 percent, but youve reduced my commitment to executing it by 50 percent, because
youve taken away my ownership of the idea. My idea is now your idea.
Focus on the future. The past cannot be changed. These two examples each focus on a
future opportunity:
The next time you talk with a patient about treatment options, you may want
to refer to the printed brochure that is in the holder in each of the exam
rooms. It will help you cover everything, and the patient will be able to
take the brochure home with her.
In the future, empathize with the customer before saying that we cannot
replace the item at no charge. Empathy helps customers feel heard even
when they dont get what they want. Try a response such as
Put your feedback in context. If you are making a small point, say so, as this example
does:
This is a small point: If the names were alphabetized rather than listed by
rank, it would take the emphasis off corporate hierarchy.
This introductory statement helps the reader take in the feedback:
I have one major comment and two minor ones.
If you think someones idea is weird or stupid, ask questions instead of
commenting, like this:
Thanks for sending me your ideas for the new flooring. Not having seen
this approach before, I have some questions:
1. How will this flooring hold up in a room that gets a lot of
traffic?
2. Do you see it as a good match or a contrast to the executive
suite it leads up to?
3. How does the material fit with the overall budget?
Whenever you can give constructive feedback in person, choose that approach
even if you have written your comments. Your task is much easier when you can
accompany your comments with smiles, nods of encouragement, and other attentive body
language, and you can notice and respond to the other persons feelings. Written feedback
alone provides no opportunity for direct two-way communication. The words on the
screen or the page must stand alone, communicating your support, fairness, accuracy,
professionalism, and even compassion. Your comments must try to anticipate and answer
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the readers questions. So whenever you can be there to support your written words, do it.
Tips (Donts!) on How to Be Kind and Constructive
When you give feedback, recognize that you are dealing with human beings. Individuals
may have a demanding travel schedule, a sick child, an overdue project or credit-card
bill, a sore back, or a broken heart. You can make their lives easier by providing feedback
that is clear, compassionate, and easy to act on. To write meaningful comments that help
rather than harm others, follow these tips. I have worded them as donts since they cover
behaviors to avoid.
Dont exaggerate. Instead, be careful and courteous. For example, do not write, On
a 10-point scale of confusing, your budget proposal is a 12. If a budget proposal is
confusing, write, While reviewing the budget, I got confused several times. I have noted
those places below.
Dont be cute or clever. Do not write, Your film is the solution to my insomnia. I put
it in the player and was asleep in seconds. Do not comment, I would rather have a root
canal than try to sell your design to our client. When giving constructive criticism, your
job is not to make yourself look good. It is to make the other person feel good while
absorbing the criticism.
In the situation of commenting on a boring film, write something like this: The film did
not keep my attention, and I wanted it to. I was trying to be engaged, but I found my mind
wandering repeatedly. Then give examples of dull scenes (without calling them dull) and
suggestions for editing or cutting them.
Dont equate rudeness with straight talk. Edit your gut reactions. Instead of writing,
I thought you would be smarter than my previous assistant, describe specific behaviors
you would like the assistant to improve. Instead of writing, Your home page is a mess,
write, I couldnt find certain standard information on the home page. Then give specific
examples.
Dont act dense. For instance, do not write, I have no idea what you mean. Unless
the person is working from a unique perspective or is communicating horribly, you must
have some idea. Try to understand. If you still cannot understand despite trying, write, I
tried, but I dont understand your point yet.
Dont be a hit-and-run critic. Have the courage to sign your constructive comments
with your real name. On the Internet, on evaluation forms, and sometimes even in email, it
is easy to slam into someone with a truckload of negativity, then sneak away anonymously.
If your comments are legitimate and helpful, you deserve credit and thanks for writing
them. If they are unreasonable and destructive, destroy them before they do harm.
Dont copy other people on constructive feedback. Broadcasting constructive
criticism is the same as criticizing a person publicly. If a third party asks for a copy of
your written feedback, encourage the individual to get it from the person to whom you
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gave it.
Dont assume someone else has a problem you can help to fix. Recognize that some
problems are yours not the other persons. For example, if you cant stand to look at an
associates long bangs (fringe) hanging into her eyes in meetings, she doesnt have a
problem you do. No amount of helpful feedback will make her accept your advice.
Similarly, if you cannot bear a coworkers nasally voice or cheerful outlook, you have a
problem. Neither of those features deserves constructive criticism.
Dont comment if it is not your job to do so and you have not been asked or paid
for an opinion. It is no ones responsibility to give constructive feedback to the world.
Assume that if people have not asked for your comments, they do not want them. Even if
you feel compelled to share your expert judgment of anothers thought process, eyeglasses,
parenting skills, tattoo, attitude, accent, office dcor, or hair color, dont do it! Your
treatment for someone elses problem is likely to be a bitter pill they will not swallow no
matter how expert your views are. If you are in a critical mood, focus instead on how you
can improve your own skills, traits, appearance, productivity, worldview, etc.
But lets not confuse constructive criticism with helpful information. People want to
know if they are walking around, smiling, with spinach between their front teeth. They
want to know if they have hung a drawing upside down. Writer-editor Anne Boardman
took the right step in this situation:
I recently pointed out to the digital editor of my local paper that their
domain name had been dropped from their RSS feeds. The consequence
was that every click to an article resulted in an error message. I just added
the domain name manually so I could read the articles, but it was annoying
and I thought if I were in the same situation, Id want to know about it.
Most people wouldnt go through the trouble to fix the URL and would just
stop reading their feeds. In fact, no one had pointed it out to them, which
they wrote back to me with extreme gratitude.
Dont counterattack. If someone has given you harsh criticism, do not return the fire.
Provide fair, courteous, specific criticism that you would give to any other person.
Dont give feedback when it is too late to incorporate. When someone has printed
500 marketing packets, it is too late to recommend a stronger slogan. If you are not sure
whether your feedback might be too late, phone or email the other person to learn the
status of a project before writing comments. Feedback is also too late when the other
person no longer remembers or cares about the situation you are addressing in your
comments. Wait for the next opportunity to give useful feedback rather than sharing stale
remarks.
Constructive Feedback Tips for Managers
Common employee complaints about feedback are that it is always negative and often a
surprise. You can eliminate such complaints by creating a work environment that is rich in
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feedback. Here are three proven tips:

Build feedback into every project. If you do, people will anticipate feedback rather
than being blindsided by it. At a team meeting, for example, ask what went well on a
project. Then, using a blame-free approach, ask what might be done better in the future. In
written messages include the same balanced approach.
Give constructive feedback privately. Feedback should never be public shaming.
Even if you, as a manager, have a strong ego, assume your staff members are still
developing their ability to accept constructive criticism. If appropriate, copy others on
complimentary feedback.
To balance constructive feedback, share positive feedback liberally. Add Give
positive feedback to your daily calendar. Be sure your positive feedback is specific,
sincere, and meaningful. To make it meaningful, mention why the behavior or performance
is important to the team and the company. See examples in the chapter Give Positive,
Powerful Feedback.
Examples of Feedback That Builds Performance and Relationships
Everyone deserves constructive feedback that will help them work more effectively. When
it is your job to give feedback, welcome that responsibility. Use these examples to help
you succeed at the task.
In this first example, a maintenance and grounds manager emails feedback to someone
in his department who made a serious mistake:
To: Frank Harris
From: Gerry Nielson
Re: Safe Work Practices
I heard from Hector what happened in the warehouse today. I know he
talked with you about the risk of carbon monoxide poisoning, Frank, and I
want to emphasize the seriousness of the situation. All of us must follow
this rule: Never use gasoline-powered equipment in an unventilated area.
Example: Do not use the gas-powered pressure washer in any part of the
warehouse unless the windows and doors are open and a fan is on.
I believe Hector told you to use an electric pressure washer in any
unventilated area, and I am telling you the same thing. Now you know
where the extension cords are. Whenever you have any questions, ask.
Hector told me you are learning the job fast and are easy to work with.
Glad to hear it! Just remember to use gas-powered equipment in ventilated
areas only. We want you healthy and on the job. We dont want you to end
up in the emergency room!
Gerry
Gerrys message is constructive, not destructive. It does not criticize Frank for his
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serious mistake. Because of the seriousness of the issue, Gerry got into the subject right
away, without a buffer of positive feedback. However, he included positive comments in
the final paragraph.
Feedback is rarely all positive or all constructive. Here is an example of peer-to-peer
feedback that includes both kinds:
Subject: Your Request for Feedback
Candice, Im glad to give comments on your presentation. You did an
impressive job, and the clients left smiling and eager to move to the next
step. Here is what I observed:
Preparation: You were very well prepared. You exhibited great insights
into the clients problems and were able to describe their pain points well.
The client appeared very comfortable and impressed that you heard and
understood them.
Terminology. For the most part, you used language that was clear to the
client. However, several terms were our jargon. When those terms came
up, you had to spend time explaining them, and that took you off message.
For the next presentation, I suggest that you ask June to do a final review to
catch jargon. Then you can choose to replace the jargon or be ready with a
quick definition or analogy.
Q&A: The connectivity questions and answers went on a bit too long,
and it was unfortunate that they came up in the middle of your presentation.
If that happens in the future, I recommend that you briefly answer the initial
question and explain that there will be time for more questions at the end of
your presentation. You responded well to their questions about the
documentation. You were clear and brief, and it was smart to defer the
details to a follow-up message.
Consistency: The comments of the sales team were completely consistent
with yours, so there were no cracks in your presentation. I mention the
sales aspect here because I know you helped them prepare. Your work
with them paid off. You were able to present the client with a coherent,
realistic solution.
Candice, congratulations on a fine presentation!
Don
In this 90-day performance evaluation, a manager includes positive and constructive
feedback for a new receptionist:
To: John Frost
From: Doris Davis
Date: December 1, 20XX
Subject: 90-Day Performance Evaluation

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John, your overall performance during your probationary period has been
very good. I would like to give you feedback on the five areas we
discussed during your first week on the job.
1. Attendance and punctuality. Your performance in this area has
been outstanding. You have not missed any days of work, even
though we have had bad weather. Also, you were late only one
day. Regarding punctuality, I really appreciate that you are at
your desk ready to work at 8 a.m., rather than getting coffee or
walking around. As you know, we often have visitors as soon as
the doors open. Your being at your desk working at 8 oclock
increases our efficiency and presents our unit positively.
2. Professional appearance. Both you and your work area look
professional. Since receiving feedback in September, you have
kept your desk and the reception area free of clutter. The area
looks tidy whenever anyone visits. Also, you present yourself
well, with neat, appropriate clothing.
3. Courtesy. You treat each of our visitors courteously. No one is
kept waiting unnecessarily, you greet everyone by name, you
request identification diplomatically, and you offer refreshments
when appropriate. One change I would like to see is for you to
greet visitors you do not know well, especially those who are
older, by using a courtesy title or professional title and their last
names. Even though the professional staff may call visitors by
their first names, that familiarity often comes from long
relationships. For example, when Dr. Krikorian visited the other
day, it was appropriate for Joanna to address him by his first
name because they have known each other for many years. Please
ask me if you have any questions about how to greet specific
individuals.
4. Communication. Your oral communication with staff and
visitors is excellent. You speak clearly and courteously. When I
call in, you are always easy to understand, and you have
mastered our challenging phone system. Regarding written
communication, you have been applying the feedback you
received on your emails, and your messages have improved
noticeably. The next step is to make your emails more concise. I
would like you to find and take an email class during first quarter
to help you strengthen your messages. Your IMs [instant
messages] are generally clear and effective.
5. Accuracy. Not once have I found any significant errors in your
work, and no one has mentioned any problems with the accuracy
of your messages, scheduling, or other tasks. You manage details
very well. I really appreciate the care and high standards you
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bring to your work.

Hats off to you for completing your probationary period successfully! I am
delighted to have you as part of our team.
Doris
The two previous messages go a long way in providing helpful information, both
positive and constructive. Candice and John learned what they have done well, and they
can implement specific suggestions to improve their performance. Beyond that, the
messages are likely to solidify the relationships between those who wrote the feedback
and those who received it. The positive and constructive comments and rich details help
to build trust between the people involved.
You may have noticed that Doriss feedback to John in his 90-day evaluation briefly
mentions constructive feedback he received earlier, on his desk clutter and email. Doris
did not save that constructive feedback until she wrote this formal evaluation. Prompt
feedback helps recipients change their behavior promptly. It also minimizes any
embarrassment they might feel about having performed badly over a longer period. And it
averts mistrust for the people delivering the feedback. After all, they did not store it up,
then dump it on the recipients.
If you take just one idea away from this chapter, make it this: Negative feedback
should not be negative, but rather constructive. It should build up the reader and help him
or her correct errors or improve behavior that is less than optimal. Building up the other
person in this way will help you build and sustain good work relationships.

Personal Reflection
Whether you are a supervisor, an individual contributor, a teacher, or a consultant,
which techniques do you use to make your feedback constructive rather than
destructive? Did any ideas in the chapter surprise you?
Next Step
Review the list of feedback donts in the chapter. Make a note of any that you need to
remember.

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CHAPTER 17

Communicate Around the Globe With Courtesy

and Wisdom
Exhausted from two nights and days of traveling from Kenya to Dubai to Delhi, in clothes
he had not changed (his luggage was delayed), the American human resources professional
arrived in Delhi to facilitate the retreat. His NGO (nongovernmental organization) had
sent him to work with their local Indian leadership. The man, Richard Wilkinson, tells the
story:
I walk into the meeting room and, much to my surprise, its a converted
restaurant. The staff are seated in low booths, banquettes, and small tables.
There is no wall to stick stuff on just a stage. We jerry-rig a way to
record participant contributions, and off we go.
The first topic of the retreat was to make plans for the coming year. First
question: What would you be celebrating as a country office a year from
now if you enjoyed an extraordinarily successful year? Dutifully the India
staff discuss this among themselves, then write down their views on small
sheets of paper, which are then posted on the jerry-rigged wall-that-is-nota-wall.
I then asked what challenges may be encountered that could get in the
way of realizing the great year they envisioned. This time I wrote their
ideas on a scratchy old whiteboard teetering on a wonky easel.
This was my first trip to India, Im seriously tired, Im standing in front
of my colleagues in two-day old clothes with streaks of black tar across my
behind [from the seat of a taxi], and Im struggling to catch on with Indianaccented English. Finally, lets call him Singh, pipes up from a back booth,
Starved for attention. Starved for attention? I ask. Not quite sure how
that might be an obstacle, but I say as I write Starved for attention on
the teetering whiteboard.
The room erupts in laughter. I turn to the participants and ask, Okay,
what did Singh really say? Staff retention! came the chorus of replies.
Smiles or Scowls? Its Your Choice
Stories like Richard Wilkinsons take place every workday in interactions between
people of different cultures and countries. Global miscommunication happens. In my
survey on writing and relationships, 43 percent of women and 64 percent of men indicated
that they had had a serious miscommunication at work with someone from another culture
or country. Happily, Richards story is not one of those statistics. It led to smiles and
laughter rather than scowls and anger. The retreat succeeded, and Richard succeeded in
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developing positive work relationships.

But the situation might have been different if Richard had made different choices. He
might have opted to postpone the retreat because of the delayed planes and his resulting
exhaustion. He might have refused to work in a space without the equipment he needed. He
might have frowned at participants when their accents challenged his understanding. Had
he made those choices, he might have left India without success for himself or the Indian
leaders and without any new blossoming relationships.
Richard, who has been working in global health since 2001, believes that
communication across cultures must be intentional. He says:
I am very conscious of choices we make in the moment about how we are
going to relate to one another and how those have implications for the
future. I think about the question What is it we are trying to create here?
and the choices we have in creating it. It matters a lot what we say and how
we say it. That lays the foundation for expectation and trust down the road.
Wanting to be successful in his first trip to Kenya in 2001, Richard asked the vice
president of administration at his NGO for his advice on interacting effectively across
cultures. The answer was Have patience and smile.
But in our written messages, how do we make the right choices? How do we
communicate patience and a smile? This chapter shares stories, tips, and strategies to help
you build friendships across cultures and across the globe.
Consider the following approaches, which are inspired by Richard and his experiences:
Communicate first as a person, then as a professional. If you are from a resultsfocused culture like the United States, communicating first as a person may mean taking the
opposite approach of your normal pattern in your emails. In the United States, emails
frequently get down to business at the start, then end on a friendly note. But as Richard
Wilkinson explains, Getting to the point in settings where there is more sensitivity about
relationships is really discourteous. He adds, Sometimes I express empathy or
appreciation at the beginning before getting into the meat of a message.
Richard shared this example of an opening to a colleague going through a difficult time
in India: Hope youre holding up given all that is going on! To a colleague in Botswana,
he began with It was great catching up with you today.
You can use or adapt these openings to begin your messages with a focus on the person
rather than the action:
How are you? I hope you are healthy and happy.
I hope you are well.
We hope you are enjoying the season.
I trust you and your coworkers are fine.
I trust you are doing splendidly and enjoying the season.
I send you and your esteemed colleagues my warm wishes.
Greetings from our research team!
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Greetings to you and your family.

It is a pleasure to be in touch with you again.
It was a delight to see you in So Paulo.
I hope you enjoyed your trip to New York.
Welcome back to work! I hope you had a wonderful holiday.
Think twice about greetings that refer to time of day. When beginning an email to
coworkers around the globe, remember that your Good morning message may instantly
arrive in their late afternoon, or even at midnight.
Use polite language such as please, thank you, a n d appreciate throughout your
message. Close with a courteous sign-off such as:
All the best
With best wishes
Best regards
Warm regards
Sincerely
Respectfully
With many thanks
Recognize that there is more than one way to get results. If you do not insist that
business be done your way, you will be able to feel more patient and therefore
communicate more patiently. For example, recognize that people from other cultures may
find it uncomfortable and unseemly to give feedback directly, even though you ask for
candid feedback and are used to it. Your emails asking for their feedback may not lead to
a reply, or not a useful one, and your expectations may put a strain on your relationship.
Richard uses Survey Monkey, an online survey tool, to get input from his African
colleagues in simple, short surveys. He finds the tool helpful because it forces him to be
clear about what he needs, it shows his African colleagues that their opinion matters, and
it makes it easy for them to provide input.
Be humble. Recognize that you do not know it all. Richard was humbled by his
humorous starved for attention misunderstanding. In that situation, clearly the mistake
was his. But it makes sense to humbly assume that you may be wrong in other, subtler
situations, for example, when dealing with a culture like Indias, which is thousands of
years old. When dealing with less experienced colleagues in other countries, Richard
says, It would be easy to condescend or to be high-handed and directive, adding, but
instead of being condescending, you accept a situation for what it is, then show respect by
asking questions. Not pointed questions, but open ones.
For clarity across cultures, Richard asks just a few questions at a time, and he lists and
numbers them rather than including them in paragraphs.
Explore to Learn More
Like Richard Wilkinson, Jerry Schlagenhauf has always loved international travel and
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working with people from other cultures. He began his travels as an exchange student in
Switzerland; studied anthropology in college and graduate school; lived for two years in
Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia; and worked for many years in human resources in Saudi Arabia.
Now he works as a career consultant in the United States.
In Switzerland, Jerrys Swiss family away from home treated him very well. For
instance, they spoke only standard German rather than their Swiss dialect so that he would
learn a language he could use. One day Jerry was talking on and on about how special
something American was, when his Swiss mother sat him down and told him in German:
Jerry, I want you to know one thing. I am absolutely certain that America is
a wonderful place and that you have many, many things that we probably
dont have. But do you understand that this is my home, my country? This is
where I was born, and this is where I have that feeling, that connection that
you are expressing to me.
Jerry described his reaction and where it has taken him:
I felt grateful some place deep inside me, but I was so embarrassed. I
thought, oh my goodness. I really havent been learning and listening as
much as I thought I was.
One of the points I try to keep in front of me all the time regardless of who
I am working with is: You dont know it all, Jerry. There are still things to
learn. There are still things I should explore, questions I should ask rather
than telling so much.
Jerry has developed these specific practices to help him explore and learn more, which
you can apply too:
Ask questions. In email across cultures, ask and acknowledge rather than make
assumptions and assert your knowledge. Like Richard Wilkinson, Jerry has adopted asking
questions as a primary way of learning about people and developing strong cross-cultural
relationships, demonstrating a keen interest. When he begins working with a careercounseling client, especially one from another culture or country, he asks questions to
discover unique interests and preferences:
What brings you to me?
Where do you want to be?
What is most important to you?
What are your obstacles?
He asks such questions rather than starting with Heres what I am going to do for you
or Heres the information I have for you. Besides expressing curiosity, Jerry shows
respect for others by not assuming that he knows their situation or that he will be able to
fix them by applying a generic solution.
Do your homework. Learn general information about others before you start the
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relationship. Before Jerry begins working with a client from another culture, he researches
the country and culture on the Internet. He also gets information from former clients,
colleagues, and networking connections to find out what is going on in the country now.
Human information sources often provide the best guidance. If you want to just ignore it
all, he says, you might get along, but you wont really have learned very much. Jerry
has found that many lasting relationships have developed because he has made a special
effort to learn about people rather than focus on himself and what he has to present.
Cultivate acceptance. Recognize that people from other cultures are different in many
ways, but they are also the same. Over the years, Jerry has listened to peoples stories that
have shaken and saddened him. But he has focused on understanding people and looking
for common bonds. He explained:
I may disagree with the politics and the handling of domestic affairs in a
particular culture. Even though I am trained as an anthropologist, I dont
think I can be so valueless that things dont offend me. But to understand
where they are coming from means that I have to hold back that judgmental
piece. We are all connected regardless of where the political boundaries
have been drawn. No matter what the cultural differences are, the basic
emotional needs of human beings are very, very similar.
Applying Jerrys approach, you can accept that colleagues from certain cultures will be
blunt rather than diplomatic in the messages you receive from them. Viewing their candor
as refreshing rather than barbaric will improve your relationship. If no is an intolerable
answer in the culture of some of your coworkers, you can change your questions rather
than force the issue. For example, rather than asking, Can you do it? and requiring a
response, you can ask, When can you do it? or How does this fit in your work
schedule?
By asking questions and doing your homework, you will learn how others are the same
as and different from you. By focusing on acceptance, you can build relationships rather
than dissect them.
Simplify for Clear, Welcoming Communication
Deb Arnold is a communications expert who has a degree in international relations, an
MBA, and experience working and traveling around the globe. At the time of this story,
she was working in the United States at a marketing agency that had approximately 50
offices in 32 countries serving a huge multinational account. Agency staff around the
world came together in quarterly online meetings, global rallies, to share best practices
and news about the account. Communicating as a worldwide team, they used English as
their language. They would sign in to the virtual meetings by office, with the cities
London, Paris, Frankfurt, and so on, popping up on the screen. It was global
communication at its best.
At one quarterly meeting, headquarters staff decided to use online polls to illustrate
how the offices might use such polls in their own online meetings. They included this poll
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question:
Which is your favorite breed of dog?
a. Chihuahua
b. German shepherd
c. Poodle
d. Dachshund
Deb worked at headquarters and typically planned the quarterly meetings. But she had
been out of town for this meeting. Telling me the story, she described peoples reaction to
the meeting:
When I came back, I looked at the meeting evaluations, and there were all
these comments about dogs: I didnt understand about the dogs, It was
very frustrating, and Why did you give us something we couldnt
understand?
At offices around the world, employees and managers alike expressed frustration and
anger.
Do you understand what went wrong? Take a moment to think about what caused the
problem.
Deb explained:
I speak Hebrew fairly well. I speak Spanish fairly well. Yet I dont know
how to say the name of any breed of dog in either of those languages. We
were talking to people in 32 countries, in only three of which is English
their first language. The people didnt know what the words meant!
The leadership was caught off guard. The teams were turning to the leaders
to ask What does this poll question mean? and the leaders didnt know
what it meant. So the question just made everyone feel stupid and
uncomfortable. And it exacerbated all of the issues that you would imagine
between headquarters and satellite offices, with satellite offices thinking,
They dont understand our situation. They dont understand our particular
context.
Not a good way to build relationships around the globe!
Debs dog story illustrates how easy it is to damage relationships, even in
communication-savvy companies, when people do not simplify their writing and think
clearly about their audience.
To write clear, welcoming global messages that build trust rather than wariness,
consider these tips:
Use plain English. As the marketing agency learned in Debs story, it is essential to
choose words that are part of your readers vocabulary if you want them to understand
your message. Replace any word your readers are likely not to know. Consider these
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examples: pussyfoot, upshot, intrinsic, drive-by, cascading, canny, purview, and

thumbnail. If you replace such words, you will communicate more clearly with both
native and nonnative English speakers.
Use words and phrases that have few meanings. The word manufacture has several
meanings, whereas make has dozens. If you mean manufacture, use that word. Likewise,
the words appropriate and correct have few meanings; right has over 40.
Avoid words that have opposite or very different meanings. Oversight may be a
close review or a failure to review. Transparent may be plainly visible or invisible.
Sanction may mean to approve or to penalize. Such is the beauty of English to confuse and
alienate your readers!
Use concrete language rather than figurative language or slang. As Deb Arnold
says of this advice, It tests our creativity to actually be creative within these boundaries,
but its important to do. From stories I have heard in classes, on my blog, and in my
survey, I would say that the most frequently misunderstood slang expression is bang for
your buck. A writing class participant told about a colleague who used the expression at
a business meeting in France. When he uttered the phrase, people in the room visibly
shrank from him in apparent disgust, perhaps because the word bang is vulgar slang for
sexual intercourse. The audience would have understood return on our investment,
which is what the U.S. businessman intended. Other problematic figurative language
comes from sports (This will be his third strike) and the military (Whats the blowback
if we take this position?).
Use simple verb forms such as present, past, and future tense (write, wrote, will
write). Avoid less common, more complicated verb tenses ( will have written, should
have been writing) that your readers may not have mastered despite years of studying
English. For example, use Will you attend the seminar? rather than Will you be
planning on attending the seminar? Use If you have questions rather than Should you
find you have questions.
Write short, simple sentences rather than complex, convoluted ones. Long sentences
are more difficult to follow for all readers. But they present special challenges for people
who read English as a second, third, or fourth language. Long sentences make readers
work harder to understand the relationships between the pronouns (it, they, their),
conjunctions (but, yet, which), and other sentence parts.
Know your audience. Deb Arnold whose slogan is Who do you think youre
talking to? recommends answering these questions about your readers:
Who are they?
What do they care about?
What are they afraid of?
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What are their hopes and desires?

What do they know?
What do they not know?
If the agency meeting planners had thought about Debs first three questions, they might
have recognized that some attendees dont care about dogs and might even be afraid of
them. In many places in the Middle East, dogs live as security guards rather than pets. In
certain African countries, they are associated with apartheid.
When you think about what readers know and do not know, keep these tips in mind:
Consider geography. Just as poodl e a n d dachshund meant nothing to agency
professionals around the world, Olympia, Calgary, and Espoo may be unknown cities to
your readers. Provide necessary details about their locations. Clarify references such as
the Mainland and East Texas, which may not be named that way on a map.
Consider objects that have different names for various English-speaking
audiences. You may call that fleshy purple fruit eggplant, when your reader knows it as
an aubergine. You may recognize these punctuation marks as parentheses ( ), but your
reader thinks they are brackets. (The Recommended Resources chapter includes an
online resource on differences between British, Canadian, and U.S. English.)
Avoid contractions, abbreviations, acronyms, and nicknames. Some international
readers can easily recognize contractions such as thats, its, and whos. But others may
confuse them with possessive forms such as Sues. Readers near and far may
misunderstand abbreviations (Mass Ave for Massachusetts Avenue), acronyms ( IRA may
be your individual retirement account but your readers Irish Republican Army), and
nicknames (who is Ole Miss anyway?).
Include both metric and U.S. standard (Imperial) measurements, when applicable,
to communicate accurately for all your readers.
Spell out dates. Use, for example, September 2, 2014, or 2 September 2014, rather
than 9/2/14 or 2/9/14, which may confuse half your readers, depending on the style they
are accustomed to. Some companies follow the ISO 8601 (International Organization for
Standardization) standard format, 2014-09-02, but your readers may still be confused
unless they recognize the standard.
Consider using the 24-hour clock for time, and indicate time zones to reduce
confusion. For example, 10 a.m. Pacific Standard Time in Los Angeles would be
expressed as 10:00 PT (UTC-8). And 4:30 p.m. Daylight Saving Time in New York City
would be 16:30 ET (UTC-4). UTC is a commonly used successor to GMT (Greenwich
Mean Time). To convert time easily for your audience, use the website timeanddate.com.
Do research. Like Jerry Schlagenhauf, Deb turns to the Internet to prepare herself for
work with people from other cultures. For a brief project with someone from another
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culture, she searches for best practices for doing business in that culture or country.
Depending on the depth and length of the interaction, she recommends investing more time
and effort:
Lets say your company has just merged with an overseas competitor, and
you are going to be working extensively with these new colleagues. You
may want to hire a consultant with expertise in doing business with that
country, who can walk you through the steps and make you aware of
potential pitfalls and best practices. You will save a lot of headaches and a
lot of explanations and apologies if you know in advance the things you
should be aware of.
If you write to a group in another country, develop a relationship with a colleague there
who may be willing to review your messages before you send them out broadly. That
individual could advise you about any sentences or expressions that do not come across
the way you intend.
Think twice about your formatting. Like readers everywhere, your global readers
will find it difficult to read long paragraphs. However, some international readers cringe
at the heavy use of bullet points, finding them too direct and inelegant. Try using short,
clear paragraphs for analysis and background, and use bullet points for lists and action
items. If your readers can view attachments, use graphs and charts to present details.
This sample email from Richard Wilkinson to his African colleagues in Dar es Salaam
includes effective short chunks of text and short sentences (averaging 13 words each). You
will notice that rather than getting to the point the way he would have with American
colleagues, Richard took a more leisurely, personal approach that acknowledged his
relationship and recent visit.
Subject: Next Steps for Our Salary Survey
Greetings from a sunny Seattle! Hope both of you are doing well. We are
cherishing the sun here in these final few days of summer. I had a great time
in Tanzania and Malawi, but it is great to be home, too.
Now, on to business. It is time for us to work on the custom salary study
we want to do. I have attached several documents for you to review.
INSTRUCTIONS
1. Custom Salary Survey: Attached is the draft of the survey. It
would be ideal for one of you to complete the survey to see how
it works. If there are any problems, we can edit the survey before
sending it to others. I will share this draft with my colleague to
get her suggestions, too.
2. Positions to Survey: Please carefully review this list of the
positions we will survey. Are there one or two other positions
we should include? I do not think we need to survey drivers
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because the original survey is fine for that level of position.

3. Position Descriptions: I included brief descriptions for each
position from another survey. The purpose of the brief
descriptions is for others to judge whether their job is a match
for ours. We will probably want to edit these to be more like
what our positions do, but remember that they need to be
somewhat generic, too.
4. Invitations: Please contact the organizations next week to
invite them to participate in our survey. Tell them we will share
a summary of the results with them.
TELEPHONE MEETING?
To keep this project moving along, I suggest that the three of us talk soon.
Any day next week is fine with me. As usual, because of our million timezone differences, it will need to be 16h00 in Dar/6h00 in Seattle. Please let
me know which day or days are best for you.
All the best,
Richard
Below is a polite request for action from a writer who does not know the reader.
Notice the greeting, brief introduction, short sentences (averaging 14 words each), short
paragraphs, use of a graphic illustration, and absence of acronyms and abbreviations.
Subject: Cloud-Computing Webinar Action Requested
Dear Mr. Khose,
Greetings from XYZ Company. As a member of the Information
Technology department in our Washington office, I am organizing the
December 11 webinar on cloud computing. This email is to confirm that
you will be able to log on to attend the program.
Action Requested: Please click this link to test your ability to log on to
the online classroom. (The attached picture indicates how the classroom
should appear on your screen.) If the link does not connect you to the
classroom, please send this email to the computer software expert at your
company. Your expert can find the problem, which might be a computer
firewall.
Please let me know that you are able to log on to the classroom.
I look forward to working with you and your team. Please email or call me
if you have any questions or requirements.
With best regards,
Reena Leonard
[Job title]
[Company name]
[Telephone number]
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[Website URL]
More Global Communication Tips
These additional tips will help you succeed with global relationships:
Think of your readers as valued partners, and communicate with them that way. This
approach is especially important if you work in the international headquarters and your
readers are thousands of miles away. Avoid language such as We expect your group to
comply, which emphasizes your rank rather than building a relationship.
Avoid email, if possible, if you have bad news or a controversial topic to discuss.
Use a teleconference or web conference in which information can be exchanged and
questions can be answered.
Communicate good news, thanks, and congratulations. Avoid only writing when you
have bad news or a request. Sending positive messages builds rapport with people far
away.
Write different versions for people in different countries if the message affects
people differently. For example, if you are moving a project from Indonesia to India,
recognize that the people in each location will have different concerns, and write separate
messages.
Learn about holidays and holy days that are observed in the various homelands of
your readers. Acknowledge those occasions in your messages if appropriate, and do not
expect a prompt response when your readers are on holiday. Use the University of Kansas
Medical Center Diversity Calendar (www3.kumc.edu/diversity/january.html), which lists
ethnic and religious dates, as a helpful starting place.
Recognize the World You Work In
Consider this truth: Communicating around the globe goes beyond email, online postings,
and virtual meetings with people who work on the other side of the globe. It also includes
communication with people who work at the lab bench or in the cubicle next to yours but
happen to be from other cultures or countries. Not only geographical distance, but also
cultural differences and simple unfamiliarity, can get in the way of cross-cultural
understanding and great work relationships.
Learn from the stories and suggestions from Richard, Jerry, and Deb. Apply the tips in
this chapter and throughout this book. Then enjoy your growing relationships with people
around the world and right next door.

Personal Application
Do the stories related by Richard, Jerry, and Deb remind you of your own
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experiences in global communication? Do you think you might have done something
differently to enhance relationships in those situations? What did you do well?
Next Step
Consider your relationships, no matter how developed or undeveloped they are, with
people from other countries or cultures. Choose one relationship to strengthen by
applying the ideas in this chapter.

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235

CHAPTER 18

Create Your Action Plan for Building

Relationships One Message at a Time
If you are wondering whether you can incorporate the ideas from this book into your work
life, this chapter is for you. You can build better work relationships one message at a
time. In fact, you can make it happen easily, just by doing what you normally do a little
differently, even if your work plate overflows or you think of yourself as antisocial. There
are also extra steps you can take whenever you have the time and inclination to focus on
relationship building through writing.
Lets begin with a story.
I was talking to a fourth-year medical student named Xavi, who was applying for
residency programs. Xavi told me about the programs she was considering and said she
was very impressed with Tulane, a medical center affiliated with Tulane University in
New Orleans.
When I asked what impressed her about Tulane, I learned that it was a personal note!
Xavi said something like this:
The director followed up on my interview by sending me a personal,
handwritten note. Usually all the communication is by email. From his
personal note, I think he must be very interested in the residents.
No doubt the residency programs at Tulane have other strong points, but Xavi did not
mention any of them. She mentioned receiving a personal note.
When I told this story on my blog, marketing expert Marcia Yudkin chimed in with a
similar experience. She wrote:
When I was thinking about where to go for graduate school, I visited
Cornell and was introduced to a very distinguished professor whom I was
hoping to study with. Within a week, a handwritten note arrived from him
saying how pleased he was to have met me and he hoped I would choose
their program. I had already decided to attend Cornell, but if I hadnt, this
note would undoubtedly have swayed me to choose Cornell over two other
schools that had higher reputations.
Xavis and Marcias stories illustrate that building relationships one message at a time
requires two things: having a positive intent and taking action.
Positive Intent
Since you are reading these words, you probably have already taken the most important
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step to build relationships one message at a time. You have experienced the desire to
enhance your business relationships through writing. Having that desire is a requirement of
reaching the goal.
Positive intent is the ticket to communicating with heart and building business
relationships. It is the desire to engage with other human beings at work in supportive,
mutually rewarding relationships, spreading positive energy rather than negative feelings
(also known as bad vibes).
The professors who met with Xavi and Marcia communicated their interest and positive
feelings about the two student applicants through personal notes. Your positive intent is
something you can bring to virtually all your business communications.
Consider the following example of a brief but far-from-routine message from a service
provider.
My husband and I had been away from our home office all day at a conference. At that
time, we were rarely both out all day, but when we were, a pet sitter named Allison
would come by during the day to visit and walk our English cocker spaniel, Chica. When
we returned in the evening, we found Allisons report on her visit. She wrote,
Positively grand seeing Chica again. She always surprises me remembers me
immediately and doesnt miss a beat before she rolls over for belly rubs! The brief
handwritten note from Allison came on her special form, which had as its heading Walks
& Playtime Notes.
Allison might have left just an invoice for us. She might have simply scribbled a note
saying she had come by at 11:30 in the morning. She might have left nothing at all. Instead,
Allisons simple 24-word message, from positively grand to belly rubs,
communicated her positive intent. She communicated to us that in our long days absence,
our Chica was visited, cared for, and loved.
Perhaps the professors personal notes, along with Allisons delightful report, will
move you to think of ways to communicate your positive intent and make people smile.
How can you encourage, delight, please, inspire in general, create a positive
experience for another person? In this chapter and throughout this book you will find
examples of ways to connect with others and communicate positively.
Lets assume you have the positive intent. Now all you need is to take action. How
many ways will you communicate?
Send the Handwritten Note or Card
Email and other electronic communications are easy to send and nearly instantaneous. But
one can still make a strong argument for the handwritten note, as demonstrated by Xavis
and Marcias feelings about the messages they received.
Other people commented on the Business Writing blog post about Xavis reaction to
Tulane, nearly all of them in favor of the handwritten message. Paula Diaco, owner of the
SignARama shop in South Burlington, Vermont, put it this way:
When I receive business correspondence that is packaged in a lovely
envelope, or clearly has a greeting card inside, Im immediately intrigued
and open it right away. I agree that a personal handwritten note rises above
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email and standard business stationery in terms of being interesting.

Freelance writer Ben Curnett left this comment on the blog:
Weve gotten calls and referrals years after sending handwritten letters to
people weve met or done business with.
Plus, I like the feeling I get when I write them. I know that the letters will
get noticed. I know that Im showing someone that Im listening to them. To
me, thats very cool.
English professor Alfredo Deambrosi expressed the sole dissenting view on personal
messages, but he also acknowledged their effectiveness:
Traditional mail frustrates me. It clutters my desk (maybe, thats my fault)
and takes longer to open and to trash or file. But it does get my attention.
Because I carry it with me to read before meetings, I am more likely to
discuss it with a colleague, if its appropriate for me to do so.
Reflecting on her letter from the Cornell professor, Marcia Yudkin pointed out the
wisdom of writing personal messages today:
Any school or workplace that uses this technique has a marketplace
advantage that flies under the radar. Competitors wont normally know
why theyre losing out!
Such comments argue for the handwritten note as intriguing, interesting, compelling,
rare, powerful, sincere, attention grabbing, memorable, satisfying, powerful, and
competitively advantageous. Who can argue with those characteristics?
Send Electronic Messages
Email, LinkedIn, Facebook, Twitter, e-cards, and other online ways of communicating do
win in some situations. For example:
When your work relationship with the other person is strictly electronic. In some
relationships, your only contact information is an email address, Facebook page, or
LinkedIn connection.
When you are communicating with someone on the other side of the world. Airmail
letters across the globe can take two weeks or more to reach their recipients, and in
some countries delivery is unpredictable.
When your message requires near-instant delivery. When you learn that today is your
clients birthday or anniversary, only an electronic greeting is quick enough unless
you have a message or a gift hand-delivered.
When your message is informal. Sometimes a quick electronic message is all you
need to send to convey your good wishes and positive intent for example, in a
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thank-you to someone who just made your day or in Way to go! congratulations on
one of lifes small successes.
When you will not get around to putting something in regular mail. It is always better
to connect virtually than not connect at all.
Take Action: Gather Supplies to Make Relationship Building Easier
If you intend to send handwritten notes and cards, good for you! To turn your intention into
reality, have these supplies on hand:
Notecards and notepaper with envelopes. Having both cards and notepaper allows
you to choose what feels right for your message. Stores such as Papyrus and
Hallmark sell attractive stationery sets and boxed cards in the United States and
Canada, as do museum gift shops. Ordering greeting cards from museums, UNICEF,
World Wildlife Fund, and other nonprofits gives you the added pleasure of
supporting an organization while buying the cards you need. If you are a
photographer, you can make your own cards with your photos, pre-scored card stock
paper, your laser or inkjet printer, and simple instructions from manufacturers such as
Avery.
Postage stamps. In the United States, you can buy forever stamps, and in Canada,
permanent stamps, whose value is sufficient to cover a first-class letter or card
even when postal rates increase. Or choose stamps whose graphic or message you
like, for example, Breast Cancer Awareness stamps in the United States. Buy at least
one booklet or sheet of 20 stamps as a start. If you think you will send oversized or
square cards, which may require additional postage, purchase those extra stamps in
advance, so you wont be slowed down later because of a lack of postage.
Sympathy cards and get-well cards are useful because they allow you to send a
thoughtful message without having to compose it. Add a few of these cards to your
collection, and you will be ready for delicate moments that require a timely message.
Store your supplies so they are at your fingertips. For minimal cost, you can buy a
cardboard or plastic storage box at your office-supply store to keep the cards, stationery,
and stamps together with a ballpoint, rollerball, or fountain pen. Or simply slip your
postage stamps, a pen, and any extra greeting cards into the box or boxes from the greeting
cards you purchase. Then slip your supply box onto a handy bookshelf or into a desk
drawer with your copy of this book.

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Take Action: Gather Your Contact Information

Assemble your contacts email and mailing addresses in one, or at most two, places.
Whether you use a contact management system, an Outlook address book, a day planner, a
Rolodex, or something else, having just one or two go-to places for addresses is easier
than tracking down slips of paper or loose business cards when you want to send a
greeting.
If you have a lot of contact information in various places, you may need to set aside
several hours to pull your contacts together. Or consider hiring someone to finish the job
for you.
Take Action: Decide on a Calendar System
When you remember their birthdays, anniversaries, and other special occasions, your
employees, clients, and other business associates are touched by your thoughtfulness. But
its hard to actually remember such occasions, especially when your list of contacts
grows. Thats why a system that remembers them for you is essential.
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Your calendar system may be Outlook, the Macs iCal, your smartphones system, a day
planner, or another approach. Whatever system you choose, make sure it will sustain you
over the years. You dont want to have to copy special dates from one year to the next on
New Years Day. With Outlook, you can program dates to appear annually, with a flag that
reminds you of the upcoming event several days in advance. Those several days give you
time to put a greeting card in the mail or to send an early electronic greeting.
Dont Contemplate, Communicate!
With your supplies at hand, your contacts organized, and your calendar at your service,
you are ready to take action. Here is a range of one-off and ongoing action steps you can
take to build and sustain great work relationships. Choose just one or several, and get
started!
Choose someone randomly from your contact list or address book. Send the
individual a note of hello, appreciation, positive feedback, or if appropriate,
congratulations. Librarian Roger Green has used the same random approach with phone
calls despite a girlfriends criticism:
I had a girlfriend about 20 years ago who chastised me for pulling out my
address book and deciding who I might want to call rather than just
KNOWING who I wanted to call. I thought it was important to keep up
with people I hadnt been in touch with. Her irritation with my
methodology baffled me; still does. Those people getting the call were
pleased by the call; how I got to calling them out of the blue should not
have mattered.
If you have Rogers desire to connect with people, then copy his way of making it
happen. Just pick someone from your list. Your contact will be pleased, as Rogers were,
to hear from you. Your positive words may make their day and lead to unexpected
rewards for you.
Take action in the moment dont put it off. If you receive a thoughtful email,
respond immediately with a quick thanks. Thinking Ill get to it later has led to millions
of unsent messages. This step means reading your email and regular mail at a time when
you can respond to it not just check it for urgent messages.
Strive for completion not perfection. This point is related to the item above. You
do not need to write the perfect thank-you, condolence, or get-well message. You need to
send a message. Do not let perfectionism get in the way of sending a heartfelt, timely
message.
Psychologist Doris Jeanette emailed this simple thank-you to me in response to a
holiday card in which I had included a bookmark of the rules of rendering numbers:
Hi Lynn,
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I want to thank you for such a thoughtful and beautiful card. I did read the
bookmark and it has raised my awareness about numbers. Thank you for
thinking of me.
Doris
The entire message, including both our names, is just 34 words. It is perfect in its
simplicity. Writing the thank-you removed the task from Doriss to-do list and probably
gave her a feeling of satisfaction and connection. I know it made me feel appreciated.
Make a routine communication into a special one. Whenever you can quickly connect
with another person in a way that recognizes him or her as a human being, do it. When
people unsubscribe from my newsletter, they have the option of sharing their reason for
unsubscribing. They often mention that they have been laid off, are retiring from work, or
are taking a leave of absence. I respond in email to those messages. Heres an example:
Unsubscribe comment from Jamie: I am going out on maternity leave.
My response: Jamie, have a happy, healthy maternity leave. I wish you a
safe delivery and a joyous welcome of your baby into the world.
Jamies response: Lynn, thank you very much for your warm wishes.
Writing and emailing the message to Jamie took me about a minute, just one minute for a
meaningful connection with a subscriber.
If you write checks to vendors, as I do in my business, you have an opportunity to write
a message of thanks. I include my check in a greeting card. When I included my payment in
a thank-you card to a sales consultant, she wrote back saying she enjoyed the card and
wondered whether I paid my phone and electric bills with a personal note. No, only when
someone I know is at the other end of the envelope do I send a personal message.
You can apply this approach when someone forwards a contract or a check request to
you, asking for your signature. Add a quick note of appreciation for their handling the
paperwork for you. Or if someone asks you to sign off on a graphic design, an annual
report, or a program change, add your positive feedback to your approval. If someone asks
for your advice, include along with your words of counsel your thanks and praise for
approaching the situation so carefully.
You may have daily opportunities to make routine communications into special ones.
Why not take advantage of them?
Set aside time each week to send relationship-building messages. Even if you can
manage only 15 minutes, that small chunk of time is enough to send four or five emails or
two greeting cards or notes. If your Friday afternoons are calm, that might be a perfect
time to reflect on the week and the people you would like to communicate with. Some
managers set aside a few minutes each day to extend thanks and positive feedback to staff
and colleagues.
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Add a positive-tone check when proofreading your emails, memos, and letters. Do
not send a message unless it includes at least two positive or courteous words: please,
thank you, appreciate, grateful, delighted, happy to, excellent, welcome, etc. If this step
seems odd or awkward to you, ask yourself why you would want to send a message with
nothing positive in it. Even in an email in which you request a meeting, one that might be a
tense encounter, you can include this positive sentence: I look forward to working
through the issues.
I remember a business writing class in South Carolina in which a communications
specialist was stumped about how to state this concern more positively: Supplies are
limited, so any delays in ordering might result in unfulfilled orders. She was referring to
a glossy publication the communications department had produced for employees. We
transformed her message to Supplies are limited. Order now to reserve copies for your
department. Our revision eliminated the negative and doubtful delays, might, and
unfulfilled and communicated positively without using obviously positive language.
Add a communication review step to your project plans and decisions. This step is a
point at which you can ask yourself:
Could this project or decision be bad news for others? If so, add one or more badnews messages and apologies to your task list.
Is this project or decision the result of the work of others? Add one or more
messages of congratulations, thanks, and positive feedback to your tasks.
Did this project or decision necessitate hiring new staff? Add an introduction of new
staff to your tasks.
Will communications about this project or decision involve email? Review the
chapter Protect Your Relationships by Avoiding Bad Email Behaviors to avoid
email pitfalls.
Will this project or decision involve communications with people around the globe?
Review the chapter Communicate Around the Globe With Courtesy and Wisdom
for reminders about what can go wrong and right in international communication.
Will this project or decision create additional work or require a special effort from
any individuals? Add a reminder to your calendar to send thank-you notes and
positive feedback at appropriate times during the implementation.
Add a note to your calendar to check your contact list in May, August, and
December for people who may be graduating. Without making a conscious effort, it is too
easy to overlook graduations from high school, junior college, undergraduate school,
MBA programs, and other degree and certificate programs. Mark such hard-earned
milestones with a special card, note, or gift.
Start early if you intend to send Chanukah, Christmas, or New Years cards or
all three to various people. Steps include buying, writing, addressing, stamping, and
mailing the cards to your contacts. Even with a contact list of 25 people, that effort takes
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time. Begin in November or earlier, and pay attention to the date of Chanukah, which may
start in late November.
Add the birthdays of your coworkers, employees, and other business associates to
your calendar. With LinkedIn and Facebook, your connections and friends have the option
of posting their birthdays. Pay attention to those days, and add them to your calendar
system. Then send a card, note, or electronic congratulations on their special days.
Add clients birthdays to your calendar, and send a greeting by email or card. If
sending birthday cards is too costly because of your volume of clients, consider tasteful
postcards. If you are a dentist, resist the temptation to send a card with an open mouth, and
if you are a chiropractor, leave the spine illustration to the poster in your office. Your
clients know your profession without cheesy reminders of it on their birthday greetings.
Add to your contact list the names and birthdates of the children of your business
associates. You dont need to remember the childrens birthdays, but you will enjoy being
able to talk about them in situations like this one:
Someone in my professional network, a woman I may see once a year, ordered 20
booklets from me. In my emailed thank-you for her order, I said I hoped she and her young
daughter were having a beautiful summer. I used her daughters name. She wrote back,
Thanks! I am so impressed you remembered my daughters name :-).
Confession: I did not remember her daughters name. I had recorded it, along with her
date of birth, in the notes in my Outlook contacts. Having recorded it rather than
remembering it does not make the gesture any less meaningful. After all, I wa n t to
remember her daughter. I want to have warm relationships with customers and others in
my professional network.
You earn an easy win when you keep track of the personal milestones in peoples lives
and mention them in the natural flow of business communication. It just takes the discipline
of recording those events when they happen. Imagine being able to say, David is 16 now,
right? Has he started driving yet? The questions show much more awareness and
sensitivity than remarks like these: Your kid is already in high school? No! But it seems
just yesterday that you were home with the baby.
Add to your calendar the holidays and holy days, if applicable, of your associates in
other countries. See the Recommended Resources section for resources that will help
you to acknowledge special days with email greetings and to avoid expecting a response
on days when your associates are away from their offices.
When you receive positive feedback or thanks, add those messages to a special
paper or electronic folder. When you are feeling discouraged, you can open this folder to
brighten your day and improve your relationship with yourself! In her comment on
Business Writing blog, nurse practitioner Mary K. Parker described the dual value of
saving such messages:

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Ive saved all the thank-you notes Ive received from patients. Not only
does it comfort me on those Sisyphean days, it is an opportunity to show
tangible customer-service skills to future employers.
An added benefit is that reviewing thanks-yous and other positive messages provides an
important reminder to send the same kinds of valuable messages to others.
Add the dates of deaths to your calendar so you can remember their anniversaries
with associates who are friends and family members of the deceased. See the chapter
Convey Condolences to Connect With Others for sample messages.
Add to your calendar a note to review the chapter Share Constructive Feedback to
Improve Performance and Relationships at the start of the performance evaluation
period at your company. The chapter will remind you of the purpose of feedback and the
language to do your job well.
When you add a conference or professional meeting to your calendar, add time after
the event as well to follow up with new contacts with whom you have made a meaningful
connection. After the event, add each contact to your smartphone, your Outlook contacts,
or the system you use. Then send an email or handwritten note or request a LinkedIn
connection with the individuals you met. Avoid sending generic messages such as It was
a pleasure talking with you this morning. Instead write something like I enjoyed our
conversation about diversity programs and how to make them meaningful.
If you are looking for a job, add to your calendar a note to update your contacts on the
progress you have made in your job search. Then send those updates so your network will
remember your search and will recognize ways to continue to help you.
When you have a networking meeting or a job interview, add time to your calendar
to send follow-up thank-you messages.
If your profession involves learning about milestones such as weddings,
anniversaries, significant birthdays, bar mitzvahs and bat mitzvahs, first communions, and
first home purchases for example, if you are a minister, priest, rabbi, florist, baker,
caterer, dressmaker, limo driver, travel planner, or real estate agent send your own
greeting to the person or persons of honor. If appropriate, add the date to your calendar
and acknowledge it in coming years.
Seattle real estate agent Jayne DeHaan takes a similar step, calling clients on their
birthdays. I have received a birthday call from Jayne each May for over 20 years, ever
since I purchased my first house with her help.
If your profession brings you into contact with people whose family members
(including pets) have died for example, in medicine, veterinary medicine, law, nursing
homes, hospice, brokerage services, insurance, and mortuary and executor services add
time to your calendar to send condolence notes or sympathy cards. If you do not know the
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family well, a printed sympathy card with a brief message such as I am very sorry for
your loss, along with your signature, is all you need to send. This small but gracious
gesture shows you appreciate the other person as a human being, not just as a client or a
customer. Also remember bereaved individuals at other times of the year. This sample
message remembers someones loss:
Dear Mr. Jenner,
As the holidays approach, I think of the clients I worked with this year, and
you come quickly to mind. I know you will be spending the holidays
without your wife, Kathryn, for the first time. Know that I am thinking of
you during this time of continued loss.
Warm wishes,
Anita Robbins
If your profession involves helping people through life transitions for example,
adoption law, life coaching, and personal training services send your clients notes of
congratulation when they move through a transition or achieve a personal goal.
If you work for a nonprofit organization, when you schedule an auction or a similar
fundraising initiative, add time to your calendar to write thank-you notes and letters.
Donors, sponsors, and volunteers may grumble when they are contacted a year later with a
Thank you for your support. Its time to give again message. Acknowledge contributions
specifically rather than generically whenever possible. For instance, rather than Thank
you for your generous donation, write, Thank you for your generous donation of a week
at your condominium in Belize.
If you are in a profession in which you regularly deal with adversaries such as
law, politics, and the military add a note to your daily calendar to remind yourself to
communicate positively and nurture your professional relationships. A reminder such as
Be kind in writing or Have you included positive language in that message? can help
you counteract your professions focus on defeating the enemy or opponent.
If you are a student, start early building professional relationships. At the end of a
class, send an email or thank-you note to professors and guest lecturers who have been
especially helpful to you or who have worked hard to make your class engaging. Normally
send the note to your professors after they have submitted grades, so your communication
does not suggest an attempt to inspire a higher grade. Write a note of thanks or positive
feedback whenever someone has exceeded your learning expectations.
If you are a blogger, make time to visit the blogs of others in related and unrelated
fields. Leave comments expressing appreciation and praise for great content. Blog about
the specific posts of others when you can. By doing so, you will enrich your work life
with virtual friends.
Take any of the actions in this chapter, and you will be using business writing to create
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and sustain great work relationships. As with the professors at Tulane and Cornell who
sent memorable messages to student applicants, your efforts will be noticed and
remembered, perhaps even many years later!

Personal Reflection
How many of the action steps in this chapter are you already taking? Which steps
will be easy to add to your routine?
Next Step
Take a moment to congratulate yourself for everything you are already doing to create
and sustain great work relationships. Enjoy the satisfaction and success those
relationships bring.

247

248

Recommended Resources: Learn More About

Building Relationships
Learn More About Etiquette
Books
Use Emily Posts Etiquette, Eighteenth Edition, by Peggy Post, et al. (HarperCollins,
2011), to learn more about manners in our quickly evolving world. The Life in the
Workplace section covers the job search, office challenges, workplace relationships, and
business socializing.
Use Robert Hickeys book, Honor & Respect: The Official Guide to Names, Titles, and
Forms of Address (The Protocol School of Washington, 2008), to have answers to your
momentous how to address questions at your fingertips. In the United States, the
comprehensive volume is used at the White House, Supreme Court, and Department of
State, among many other institutions.
Blog
Visit Robert Hickeys blog on names, titles, and forms of address, at
www.formsofaddress.info/faq.html, when you are unsure how to address, greet, or list an
important person. If Mr. Hickey, Deputy Director of the Protocol School of Washington,
has not already answered your question online, he will do so.
Learn More About International Communication
Books
Gather more information about writing for people who read English as a foreign language
in Edmond H. Weisss The Elements of International English Style: A Guide to Writing
Correspondence, Reports, Technical Documents, and Internet Pages for a Global
Audience (M.E. Sharpe, 2005). The book offers 57 communication tactics with vivid
examples and many helpful insights.
Learn more about the cultures, customs, and communication preferences of people in
more than 80 countries in When Cultures Collide: Leading Across Cultures, Third
Edition (Nicholas Brealey International, 2006), by Richard D. Lewis. This book provides
excellent detailed guidance to help you lead, sell, and build relationships across cultures.
Websites
Learn about the national holidays celebrated in countries around the world, from land to
Zimbabwe,
on
the
Q++
Worldwide
Public
Holidays
site,
at
www.qppstudio.net/publicholidays.htm. The site covers 198 countries and 48 semiautonomous territories such as Hong Kong and Gibraltar.
Consult the University of Kansas Medical Centers diversity calendar to learn about
249

religious and national holidays of various cultures and countries, at

www3.kumc.edu/diversity/january.html.
On Wikipedia, at www.en.wikipedia.org/wiki/workweek, find out when your
associates in other countries celebrate the weekend. Learn, for example, which Islamic
countries celebrate the weekend on ThursdayFriday and on FridaySaturday.
Use the websites www.worldtimeserver.com and www.timeanddate.com to learn what
time it is around the world. Both sites include a time-zone converter and a time-zone map.
Get Help Solving Interpersonal Difficulties
Books
Pore over Peer Power: Transforming Workplace Relationships, by Cynthia Clay and Ray
Olitt (Jossey-Bass, 2012). The book provides clues, strategies, and principles to help you
identify and work effectively with nine challenging personalities including the attacker, the
whiner, and the slacker.
Take your interpersonal skills to the next level reading What Got You Here Wont Get
You There: How Successful People Become Even More Successful, by Marshall
Goldsmith with Mark Deiter (Hyperion, 2007). Learn how to eliminate 20 bad habits such
as making destructive comments, refusing to express regret, and failing to express
gratitude.
Get Better at Building and Sustaining Relationships
Books
Dip into any chapter of Keith Ferrazzis Never Eat Alone and Other Secrets to Success,
One Relationship at a Time (with Tahl Raz, Doubleday, 2005) to get great gems on
building business relationships. Mr. Ferrazzi promotes audacity, authenticity, passion,
pinging (getting in touch briefly and often), and many gratifying ways of connecting with
others.
Read Brag! The Art of Tooting Your Own Horn Without Blowing It, by Peggy Klaus
(Warner Business Books, 2003), to learn how to comfortably and confidently share
information about yourself. Although the purpose of the book is to teach you the art of
bragging, Ms. Klauss strategies help you open up in ways that launch and build
relationships.
Find out more about how giving to others builds success in Give and Take: A
Revolutionary Approach to Success, by Adam Grant (Viking/Penguin Group, 2013).
Professor Grant tells many stories that will inspire you to give to others in your
professional life the way you do naturally in your personal life.
Learn More About Apologies

250

Book
Enjoy Aaron Lazares On Apology (Oxford University Press, 2004), which provides
everything you ever wanted to know about apologies in a fascinating read. Dr. Lazares
true examples of pseudo apologies, non-apologies, and excuses, often in rich historical
contexts, give you a deep understanding of what can go wrong in apologies and how to
do it right.
Learn More About Giving and Eliciting Feedback

251

Book
Read Rick Maurers short but powerful Feedback Toolkit: 16 Tools for Better
Communication in the Workplace, Second Edition (Productivity Press, 2011), to learn
more about what Mr. Maurer calls telling each other the truth. This concise gem of a
book offers insights and easy-to-follow plans.
Gain More Confidence in Your Writing

252

Book
G e t The Gregg Reference Manual: A Manual of Style, Grammar, Usage, and
Formatting, Tribute Edition, Eleventh Edition, edited by William A. Sabin (McGrawHill, 2011), to gain confidence about the correctness of your business writing. Gregg
covers virtually any question you may have on grammar, punctuation, formatting, and
related topics.

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Ways to Render Names and Titles in Greetings

and on Envelopes
When you have taken the time to choose the perfect card or write a thoughtful note or
letter, you dont want to worry about how to address someone. Nevertheless, questions
may come up: Should you use a title such as Mr. o r Ms.? When you write to a couple,
whose name comes first? This section provides guidance so that you can confidently
address your readers and render their names on envelopes. For information on greetings
and how to punctuate them, see the next section, Greetings (Salutations) for Letters,
Notes, Emails, and Text Messages.
Guidelines for What Follows Dear and Appears on Envelopes
When you know your reader and your relationship is friendly, use his or her first name
in the greeting. On the envelope, use a courtesy title or just first and last name.
Greeting:
Dear Kim,
Envelope:
Ms. Kim Batcher [OR]
Kim Batcher
When the relationship is formal, use a courtesy title or a professional title and a last
name. Examples of formal relationships are student to professor and nonprofit employee to
donor.
Greeting:
Dear Mr. Alfano:
Envelope:
Mr. Albert Alfano
Greeting:
Dear Professor Cook:
Envelope:
Professor Amanda R. Cook
When you write to someone who is much older than you or highly esteemed, use a
title and a last name.
Greeting:
Dear Reverend Carlock,
Envelope:
Reverend Anita Carlock
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Greeting:
Dear Dr. Mak:
Envelope:
Dr. Ronald D. Mak [OR]
Ronald D. Mak, M.D.
When you write to someone you do not know or do not know very well, greet the
reader using a title and last name, or use both first and last names without a courtesy title.
Greeting:
Dear Mrs. Yang: [OR]
Dear Monica Yang:
Envelope:
Mrs. Monica Yang [OR]
Monica Yang
Be sure not to switch between a first-name and last-name basis with someone. If
you do, Salma may wonder what she did to suddenly become Dr. Bishara. If you have
an assistant who prepares your correspondence, be sure he or she knows which approach
you want to use.
Unless you are certain that a woman prefers the courtesy title Miss o r Mrs., use
the title Ms. or leave the title out. Pay attention to womens signature blocks and online
bios and profiles to see whether they communicate a preference.
Know which titles to spell out. Never spell out the titles Mr., Ms., Mrs., and Dr. Do
spell out these titles and similar ones: Professor, Dean, Sister, Rabbi, Imam, Senator,
Governor, Admiral, and Judge.
Do not use an academic degree (M.S., M.D.) or professional designation (SPHR,
Esq.) in the greeting. On the envelope, if you include an academic degree or professional
designation after a persons name, do not use a courtesy title that indicates the same
achievement (for example, do not use Dr. and Ph.D. together). You may use a title and a
degree on the same line if doing so is not redundant.
Greeting:
Dear Dr. Pelley:
Envelope:
Olive Pelley, Ph.D.
Greeting:
Dear Mr. Lowe:
Envelope:
Jason Lowe, CPA
Greeting:
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Dear Dr. Abramson, [OR]

Dear Rabbi Abramson,
Envelope:
Rabbi Sydney Abramson, D.D.
Jr. , Sr., and roman numerals such as III are normally included on the envelope,
unless a message is informal. However, do not include them in your greeting.
Greeting:
Dear Nicholas,
Envelope:
Mr. Nicholas Parson Jr.
Greeting:
Dear Mr. Noss:
Envelope:
Mr. Jonathan Noss III
The traditional way to greet male-female married couples is with the mans title
first, then the womans title followed by the last name. On the envelope, only the mans
first name appears.
Greeting:
Dear Mr. and Mrs. Wright,
Envelope:
Mr. and Mrs. Bruce Wright Jr.
Greeting:
Dear Dr. and Mrs. Terry,
Envelope:
Dr. and Mrs. James Terry
Greeting:
Dear Senator and Mrs. Smith,
Envelope:
Senator and Mrs. Gordon Smith
The modern way to address male-female couples and same-sex couples is to render
both individuals names the same way, with or without first names and titles. On the
envelope, render the names either on the same line or one beneath the other, listing first the
name of the person with a special title or the primary recipient (for instance, the person
you know better).
Greeting:
Dear Anne and Bruce Wright,
Envelope:
Ms. Anne Wright
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Mr. Bruce Wright Jr.

Greeting:
Dear Anne and Bruce,
Envelope:
Anne and Bruce Wright
Greeting:
Dear Mr. and Mrs. Wright:
Envelope:
Mr. Bruce Wright Jr. and Mrs. Anne Wright
Greeting:
Dear Mses. Carlson:
Envelope:
Ms. Nadine Carlson
Ms. Danique Carlson
When a woman marries, pay special attention to the name she uses. For instance, if
Dawn Harden marries Ron Wice, she may remain Dawn Harden. Or she may be Dawn
Wice, Dawn Harden Wice, Dawn Harden-Wice, or something else. If you are not certain
which name a woman uses professionally, ask. She will welcome your interest.
In messages to two people (coupled or not), include the name of the person with a
special title first, or list the main recipient first. Whenever you know your readers well
and want to communicate in a friendly way, use first names in the greeting. But avoid using
an abbreviated form of a persons name unless he or she uses it. For example, do not call
a Juan Carlos JC or an Emily Em unless the individual does so.
Greeting:
Dear Ms. Donne and Mr. Trujillo, [OR]
Dear Drenda and Alex, (only if he uses the name Alex)
Envelope:
Ms. Drenda Donne
Mr. Alessandro Trujillo
Greeting:
Dear Dr. and Mrs. Ellis:
Envelope:
Dr. Moises Ellis (or replace Dr. with M.D. at end)
Mrs. Renee Ellis (or replace Mrs. with Ms.)
Greeting:
Dear Drs. Gerber and Singh: [OR]
Dear Dr. Gerber and Dr. Singh:
Envelope:
Dr. Robin Gerber
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Dr. Gaurav Singh

Greeting:
Dear Drs. Moody:
Envelope:
Dr. Claire P. Moody
Dr. James M. Moody
Greeting:
Dear Captain Klein and Professor Klein:
Envelope:
Captain Erika I. Klein
Professor Roger K. Klein
Greeting:
Dear Reverend Paul and Mr. Green: [OR]
Dear Tim and Dan, (only if they use these short forms)
Envelope:
Reverend Timothy Paul
Mr. Daniel Green
Greeting:
Dear Mr. Lee and Ms. Roy-Lee, [OR]
Dear Anthony Lee and Susan Roy-Lee,
Envelope:
Mr. Anthony Lee Jr.
Ms. Susan Roy-Lee
Greeting:
Dear Messrs. Stone and Raj, [OR]
Dear Mr. Stone and Mr. Raj,
Envelope:
Mr. Joseph Stone
Mr. Alain Raj
Greeting:
Dear Mses. Woodard, [OR]
Dear Loretta and Chanel,
Envelope:
Ms. Loretta Woodard
Ms. Chanel Woodard
Greeting:
Dear Mrs. Hain and Mrs. Pham, [OR]
Dear Mesdames Hain and Pham
Envelope:
Mrs. Marie Hain
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Mrs. Lu Pham
Messrs. is for more than one man with the title Mr. Its use is quite formal and
traditional. You may use Mr. with each mans name instead.
Mesdames is for more than one woman with the title Mrs. Like Messrs., it is formal and
traditional. You may use Mrs. with each name.
Mses. is for more than one woman with the title Ms. You may also use Ms. with each
name.
When You Have a Mystery Reader
If you are writing to a stranger and dont know a persons gender, do a bit of research
on the Internet before leaving off courtesy titles such as Mr. and Ms. Type the individuals
name into your browsers search box and see what you find. Or call the company and ask
which courtesy title is appropriate. If your research doesnt reap a helpful answer, use the
persons full name without a title, like this:
Dear Dana Simms:
Dear T.K. Spinazola:
Dear E. Hassan,
If you dont know and cant get the name of the person who will read your letter
for example, when applying for a job use a targeted greeting with an appropriate job
title, like this:
Dear Recruiter:
Dear Hiring Manager:
Dear Claims Adjustor:
You may use Dear Sir or Madam, but that greeting feels more anonymous, as does the
cold To whom it may concern. Do not use Dear Sir, Dear Sirs, and Gentlemen
because those greetings assume your readers are male.
If you are writing to a company rather than any specific individual, you may use the
company name. This approach is considered slightly informal.
Dear Syntax Training:
Dear XYZ Company:
Dear ABC Agency:
Answers to Common Questions About Names and Titles
The challenge of how to render names and titles correctly in greetings and on envelopes
has raised many questions on my blog and in my email. Here are answers to some common
questions.
Sometimes I am undecided about using a courtesy title. The message may be
friendly for example, a congratulations, but the relationship is more formal. Is
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it better to err on the side of friendliness or formality?

You will virtually always be correct if you use a courtesy title or a professional title
such as Ms., Mr., Dr., Father, or Dean for your recipient. You may choose to leave
out such a title when your message is more personal than professional or more
informal than formal. For example, if your congratulatory note celebrates a new baby,
that message qualifies as personal. If your congratulations marks a promotion or an
honor, it is professional. Similarly, your invitations to a barbecue lean toward
informal, but invitations to a gala are formal. You decide whether you want the
communication to feel personal or professional, informal or formal.
If the person I am writing to uses two last names, do I use both or only one of
them in the greeting?
You use both names in the greeting. For example:
Dear Professor Garcia Lopez,
Dear Ms. Gaertner-Johnston:
I have seen Dear Sir and Dear Sir or Madam. Is Dear Madam ever
correct?
Dear Madam would be correct if you knew your reader was a woman but did not
know and could not learn her name. When your goal is to build relationships,
doing the research to learn someones name comes across as more thoughtful than
being satisfied with a lack of information.
When I write to a man or a woman who has a Ph.D. or another doctorate, do I
use Dr. as the title?
Use Dr. if you know the person prefers it or it is standard in your industry. If the
individual is in academia or science in the United States, it is more likely he or she
uses Dr. than in other industries (and perhaps countries). Otherwise, use Mr., Ms.,
Mrs., Miss, or Professor depending on any known preferences. If you have access to
the persons bio or professional profile, pay attention to which title appears there.
If I am writing to a recently widowed woman, how do I address her?
At work, a woman rarely uses her husbands first name to identify herself. However,
if you write to donors, constituents, members, patients, or customers who are
widows, pay attention to the way they refer to themselves (in the traditional way,
Mrs. Alfred J. Sherrard, or the modern way, Ms. Alicia Sherrard). If a woman uses
her husbands name, write to her that way even if he dies. When and if she decides to
stop using his name, you can follow her lead.
At the beginning of your business relationship with a widow or at the time she
becomes a widow, you can ask her tactfully how she would like to be addressed.
Is it acceptable to use & (the ampersand) between names in the salutation?
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No. It is traditionally not acceptable to use the ampersand for and in the salutation.
If I am writing to a family and each person has the same last name, what is the
proper greeting?
The easiest way is to use first names.
Greeting:
Dear Don, Julie, and Julian,
Envelope:
Don, Julie, and Julian Burke
If you must be more formal, use this approach:
Greeting:
Dear Mr. and Mrs. Burke and Mr. Burke,
Envelope:
Mr. Donald Burke, Mrs. Julie Burke, and Mr. Julian Burke
When writing to an entire family, should everyones name be on the envelope
and in the greeting?
Rather than crowd envelopes and greetings with many names, you can use the
parents or parents names with and Family. For example, address the envelope to
Ernest and Kate Elgin, with a greeting to Dear Ernest, Kate, and Family. Or use
just the last name in both places: on the envelope The Robinsons and for a greeting
Dear Robinsons.
Should I use Miss or Ms. for a young girl?
Emily Posts Etiquette suggests the use of Miss until age 16 to 18, then Ms. The
Gregg Reference Manual recommends addressing teenage girls as M s . o r Miss,
following the girls preference when you know it. For younger girls, Gregg indicates
that you may use a title or omit it.
For boys, Emily Posts Etiquette recommends the title Master until age 6 to 7, then
no title until age 16 to 18 years, then Mr. In contrast, The Gregg Reference Manual
recommends addressing a boy as Mr. when he becomes a teenager. Gregg notes that
Master is rarely seen.
If I am sending a letter or an email to many people, may I use a greeting such as
Dear Joshua et al.?
Et al., which is Latin for and others, is not appropriate in a greeting. Many people
will stumble over it, detracting from your message, and it seems too distant for a
relationship-building message. If you need to greet up to five people, use all of their
names. If you have more than five readers, try a group greeting such as:
In a letter:
Dear Chamber Members,

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In an email:
Hello, Marketing Team.
Greetings, everybody.
If you regularly write to a group, why not ask group members which greeting they
prefer?
If you have more questions about names and titles and how to render them, search my
blog at www.businesswritingblog.com, or consult The Gregg Reference Manual or Emily
Posts Etiquette, Eighteenth Edition, by Peggy Post et al. (Note: Thats a correct use of et
al.!)

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Greetings (Salutations) for Letters, Notes,

Emails, and Text Messages
After the date and a possible subject line, the first thing your reader sees is your greeting,
also known as a salutation. Sometimes greetings set the tone of the message like a friendly
smile and a handshake. At other times, they rest unremarkably on the screen or page and
make little difference. This section offers guidance and answers common questions about
salutations, so you dont need to worry about your greetings and what they may
unintentionally communicate.
Greetings in Business Letters and Notes
The standard way to open a business letter is with Dear, the persons name with or
without a professional title (Dr.) or courtesy title (Ms.), and a colon, like this:
Dear Louise:
Dear Patrick:
Dear Ms. Chu:
Dear Mr. and Dr. Paige:
Dear Professor Amato:
Dear Drs. Zhu:
Use a colon after the greeting (rather than a comma) when your message is more
business focused than social for example, when you are writing to explain a policy or
say no.
The standard way to open a social business letter or a note is with Dear, the
persons name with or without a professional or courtesy title, and a comma, like this:
Dear Nigel,
Dear Patty and Eric,
Dear Dr. Tarabi,
Dear Annette and Teri,
Dear Reverend Jans,
Dear Dr. and Mrs. Lewis,
A social business letter or note focuses more on the social aspects of your relationship
than the business aspects. Letters and notes of condolence, personal congratulations (for
weddings, births, retirement, and other celebrations), and thank-yous fall into the category
of social business letters.
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The colon-comma distinction is alive and well in the United States and Canada.
However, in the United Kingdom, often no punctuation follows the greeting.
Greetings in Emails
For formal email that is, email used in place of a business letter greet the reader
as you would in a letter. Use Dear before the persons name with or without a title,
followed by a colon or a comma.
To warm up less formal emails, use greetings like these:
Hi, Eva.
Greetings, Finance.
Hello, Drs. Furtado and Cho.
Hello, Kwasi.
Good morning, Folks.
Ciao, everyone.
Greetings, Professor!
Dear all,
Hello to all.
Think twice about greetings that indicate the time of day, such as Good morning.
Time-of-day greetings do not work well if some of your readers live in other time zones
or will read your message long after you send it.
Some people use Hey as a greeting, similar to Hi, but others object to it as too
informal. If you do use Hey, save it for very informal messages.
Various ways to punctuate the email greetings H i and Hello are acceptable. As a
punctuation traditionalist, I prefer these ways, either on the same line as the first sentence
or above the body of the message:
Hi, Han.
Hello, Han.
You will also see these styles above the message body:
Hi Han,
Hi, Han,
Hello Han,
Hello, Han,
Some people leave out the greeting, but the resulting tone can feel cool or cold:
Brooke:
Team:
Professor:
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Sue,
Accounting,
Rather than using a greeting, you may use the persons name in the opening sentence,
like this:
Yiota, you were right about the prices.
For messages back and forth in an email conversation, use the readers name in the
opening sentence rather than repeating a greeting several times a day. When you do omit a
greeting, be sure you include positive language in the message to warm up your tone.
Greetings in Text Messages
Texts are informal messages, so follow the suggestions for less formal emails. You may
be tempted to omit the greeting when tapping out a text, but do not omit it if your goal is to
build or maintain a good business relationship.
Notice that the greeting warms up the tone in these pairs of texts:
Ill be there in 10 minutes.
Hi, Professor. Ill be there in 10 minutes.
Im waiting in the lobby for you to escort me.
Hello, Guy. Im waiting in the lobby for you to escort me.
Answers to Common Questions About Greetings
Over the years, readers of my blog and participants in classes have repeatedly asked two
questions about greetings. Here are those questions and answers.
If I dont like someone, do I still have to use Dear in the greeting of a letter?
Dear is not the same as Dearest or Darling. It is simply the standard term for
greetings in letters, so you need to use it. No etiquette experts recommend Not So
Dear as a greeting.
One place in which you can skip Dear is the simplified letter, which has no greeting.
It begins with the subject in all capital letters, like this:
WAYS TO BEGIN A BUSINESS LETTER
I am writing to share information about standard letter openings to
Do not use the simplified letter if your goal is to build a relationship with your
reader. It feels too anonymous.
If I use words such as team and everybody in the greeting, should I capitalize
those words even though they are not peoples names or titles?
You should capitalize all nouns. Words such as team, group, department, and
managers are nouns. You should not capitalize pronouns. The words everybody,
anybody, everyone, anyone, and all are pronouns.
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If you have more questions

www.businesswritingblog.com.

about

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greetings,

search

my

blog

at

Complimentary Closes (Sign-Offs) for Letters,

Notes, Emails, and Texts
The complimentary close, or closing, is the last words your reader sees before your
name. Complimentary closes are straightforward, but you may feel confused by what you
have learned and what you see in the messages you receive. Use this section to remove
any doubts about the closes you choose.
Complimentary Closes in Letters and Notes
Complimentary closes are standard in business letters, except for the simplified letter,
which omits them. (The simplified letter, with neither greeting nor close, is not a strong
choice for relationship-building messages.) Complimentary closes also typically appear in
typed and handwritten notes.
Like greetings, closes range from formal and professional to friendly and warm. These
acceptable closes are listed by their degree of formality or friendliness:

For sympathy messages, choose one of the above closes or one of these:
In deepest sympathy,
With sympathy,
With our condolences,
Very sincerely,
Wishing you peace,
Sincere regards,
Regarding Yours faithfully, my colleagues in the United Kingdom tell me it is used
there regularly when writing to someone you do not know.
Do not use your closing to communicate anger or frustration:
Not this: With strong malice,
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Not this: In deep frustration,

Instead, use a professional-sounding close such as Sincerely.
Avoid using the word warm in closes to people you do not know. Doing so may come
across as overly familiar. Use affectionately only in a very close business relationship.
Avoid it if your affection could be thought inappropriate by the reader or anyone else who
reads the message.
Do not use xoxo (kiss hug kiss hug) as a close in any but the most familiar
relationships. Read the discussion of xoxo in the chapter Add Heart to Your Writing One
Message at a Time.
In the United States and Canada, a comma follows the complimentary close. In the
United Kingdom, often no punctuation follows it.
Only the first word of the complimentary close is capitalized.
Like this: With best wishes,
Not this: With Best Wishes,
Complimentary Closes in Email
When you use email in place of a business letter, choose a complimentary close from
the earlier list.
A close is not required in less formal email, but it helps you end your message
pleasantly. Choose from the closes listed earlier, or pick one of these to add a positive
tone to your email:
Best,
Regards,
All the best,
Cheers,
Yours,
Ciao,
Thanks is not technically a complimentary close although it appears at the end of
millions of emails. If you use Thanks at the end of your email, why not make it a sentence
and follow it with a period, such as Thanks for your help or Thanks again for your
interest or Thanks for considering my request?
In an email conversation of messages back and forth, repeating the complimentary
close and signature block is not necessary and could seem silly. But when you start a new
conversation or revisit an email string after a few days, use a greeting and a close again.
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Complimentary Closes in Text Messages

The nature of texts is quick, short, and informal, so any close you use should match that
style. Good closes for texts are:
Best,
All best,
Cheers,
Ciao,
Its acceptable to skip the close in texts. But as in any message, a friendly sign-off
communicates warmth.
Despite the brevity of texts, the closes below do not communicate well. They keep
readers guessing and can come across as lazy. Therefore, do not use:
Rgds,
KR, (for Kind regards)
BW, (for Best wishes)
Answers to Common Questions About Closes
Is it ever correct to add I am or We are above a closing?
Expressions such as I am above Sincerely yours or a similar close are virtually
never used in 21st century communication. They are not even recommended in a
writing handbook I have that was published in 1914, Handbook of Business English,
by George Burton Hotchkiss and Edward Jones Kilduff. Do not use them.
How about adding I remain after a closing, such as With warm regards, I
remain? Is that acceptable?
That style does not appear in any business writing manuals I have seen in the last 25
years, so I cant recommend it.
If more than one person will sign the letter, are there two closes?
Use just one complimentary close even if two people sign the letter. Have them sign
above their names. Your closing might look like this:

Or like this:
Best regards,
Patrick White
Manager, Customer Service
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Michaela Best
Regional Manager
Is Your loving student or Your loving coworker ever appropriate as a
closing?
Your loving is too intimate for the student-teacher or coworker relationship. If the
relationship is close, use Warm wishes or Warm regards.
Is it acceptable to use two complimentary closes together, for example, Yours
sincerely, with best wishes?
One complimentary close is plenty. Using two would call attention to its oddity. If
you want to combine sentiments, you might use With sincere best wishes.
If the closes in someones messages to me begin to change from Thanks to
Best wishes, does that mean something has changed in the relationship?
Dont read too much into peoples closes. Writers who change closes may simply
have learned something new about them, for example, that Thanks is not a standard
close. Or they may simply want to bring variety to their messages.
Is it acceptable to refer to the readers friends or family in the close?
Its fine to use a close such as Best regards to you and your family.
Can a simple From be used as a close, for example, From [followed by a
blank line] Your Friends at ABC Company?
From is not a complimentary close. Replace it with a more standard close such as
Best wishes.
Is Kindly an appropriate close?
Kindly does not work as a close. Its meaning is different from Sincerely and
Cordially. It is too closely associated with Please, as in Would you kindly
confirm the time of our meeting? If you like Kind in your complimentary close,
use Kind regards.
Search for answers to more questions about complimentary closes on my blog at
www.businesswritingblog.com or in The Gregg Reference Manual.

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Acknowledgments
My heartfelt thanks go to many people who supported me on this book-building journey.
Susan Daffron inspired me with her enthusiastic response to my first two chapters and
outline. Marcia Yudkin coached and challenged me with her brilliant logic and deep
understanding of what works in nonfiction books. My friend Doe Coover, whose support
goes all the way back to our first year of college, cheered me across the finish line with
her insightful advice and fine eye for grouping chapters.
My friends and colleagues Deb Arnold, Jerry Schlagenhauf, Ron Scott, Lynn Takaki,
and Richard Wilkinson granted me interviews that brought several topics to life. They also
took time to review and fine-tune their sections.
Many generous, smart people provided examples, suggestions, and stories that made the
book practical and authentic. I list them here alphabetically: Deb Arnold, Mary Bennett,
Gilda Bonanno, Pete Busacca, Keith Chapman, Cynthia Clay, John Cline, Dennis Dennis,
Cameron Deuel, Lisa Dodge-Johnson, Hanna Ekstrm, Margaret Elwood, Charlie Gadzik,
Kathy Goughenour, Carolyn Grimm, Doris Jeanette, Tim Jones, Marie Kelly, Joanne
Masterson, Sten Olsen, Lesley Peters, Alice Risemberg, Mary Rolston, Jerry
Schlagenhauf, Valerie Shields, Russ Taylor, Steve Teixeira, Melissa Thirloway, and
Marcia Yudkin, along with the staff at Hiers-Baxley Funeral Services.
These astute blog commenters expanded the books points of view: Claudia Amaya,
Anne Boardman, Jeff Chamberlain, Matt Charles, Ben Curnett, Alfredo Deambrosi, Paula
Diaco, Nancy Doerhoff, Roger Green, Robert Hickey, Josh Hinds, Cornelia Luethi, Cyndy
McCollough, Jeannette Paladino, Mary K. Parker, and Neil Wheatley.
The talented associates of 1106 Design transformed my manuscript into a professional
book of which I am proud. Special thanks go to Michele DeFilippo and Ronda Rawlins.
Thanks and a shout out to Christi and the gang at the Island Country Inn on Bainbridge
Island, Washington, where I wrote most of this book while enjoying a room of my own.
I thank my 100-year-old cousin Eleanor for inspiring me with a life well lived. Eleanor,
youve always had heart!
My cherished daughter, Eva, accepted the absence of Mom and meals while I was away
working on this book. She graciously replaced her question Whats for dinner? with
How is your book?
My deepest appreciation and love go to my husband, Michael Johnston. Without his
support and repeated encouragement to go away and write, this book would still be an
inadequate Word document tugging at my soul.

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About the Author

Lynn Gaertner-Johnston has helped thousands of employees and managers improve their
business writing skills and confidence through her company, Syntax Training
(www.syntaxtraining.com). In her corporate training career of more than 20 years, she has
worked with executives, engineers, scientists, sales staff, and many other professionals,
helping them get their messages across with clarity and tact.
A gifted teacher, Lynn has led writing classes at more than 100 companies and
organizations such as MasterCard, Microsoft, Boeing, Nintendo, REI, AARP, and Kaiser
Permanente. Near her home in Seattle, Washington, she has taught managerial
communications in the MBA programs of the University of Washington and UW Bothell.
Lynns influence extends far beyond the corporate classroom. Her free monthly
newsletter, Better Writing at Work, reaches many thousands of subscribers around the
world. Her popular Business Writing blog (www.businesswritingblog.com) attracts more
than 3 million annual visits from readers on six continents. A recognized expert in
business writing etiquette, Lynn has been quoted in The Wall Street Journal, The Atlantic,
The Chicago Tribune, and other media.
Lynn sharpened her business writing skills at the University of Notre Dame, where she
earned a masters degree in communication, and at Bradley University, with a bachelors
degree in English.

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