Can Your Relationship Be Saved?

How to Know Whether to Stay or Go

By Dr. Michael S. Broder
ISBN 1-886230-41-2

5 star must reading. [The following is what I highlighted during my read of this
excellent book -- I recommend it on my Top-ten List of Peace resources. My purpose
in providing them is to interest you, the reader, and hope that you will obtain and read
the complete work. To properly understand the highlights, you need to read the book
to put them in the proper context.]

Introduction

You Are Not Alone!

rather than referring to an ended marriage as one that has failed, I will encourage
you to acknowledge that a relationship has ended because it ran its course.

there is no such thing as a happy or unhappy coupleonly the happy or

unhappy people (who constitute the couple.)

your happiness is way too subjective a matter for anyone but you to determine!

Ambivalence is a state of mind where you feel torn or stuck between one or more
conflicting choices.

honor the uniqueness of both you and your situation.

How to Use This Book

take your time with each chapter so that you can fully digest the material on
an emotional level.

Most importantly, this book is about you and the relationship that perhaps represents
for you the most crucial aspect of your life.

the main mission to tape the greatest resource you will ever have, to make this or
any other major life decisionyour own inner wisdom.

Part 1: Your Relationship

This is a book about you and the rest of your life. Its also about choices and
becoming empowered to make them. And its about relationshipswhat it takes to
make them work, when efforts to do so become futile, and where its now best to take
yoursif (and how) it can be saved and should be saved, or if its too late.

1: Why Did You Buy This Book?

I cant imagine that there are very many of us who havent been at this crossroad at
some time, with one relationship or another.

For a relationship to beginor to continuethere has to be a degree of desire, effort,

or at least collaboration on the part of both partners; but for a relationship to end, all
that is needed is for one partner to want it to end.

The Two Main Pillars of Relationships that Work

the two most important components of relationships that

work: passion and comfort.

Passion is all the romantic and sexual energy that gets you together as a couple
in the first place. Passion is a great motivator. It prompts you to open your heart
to someone, and is the stuff upon which longing, desire and certain types of
intimacy are built. But passion alone cannot keep a relationship together.

The second component is what I call comfort. Comfort is the ability to work
things out, to enjoy each others company, to respect each other, to share a
common lifestyle, goals and values (financial, children, work schedules, etc.)
and to live a peaceful and contented co-existence.

When it comes to making a commitment to each other, passion is the part of you that
commits from the heart. However, it is your brain that determines whether your
relationship provides you with a sufficient degree of comfort to warrant the
commitment. Maintaining a sufficient degree of passion and comfortfor each of
youis really a lifelong job.

Troubled Relationships

In all types of troubled relationships it is important to ask: What is the potential for
change? If the answer is none, the next question to ask yourself is, Is this where I
still want to be?

What Are Your Problem Areas?

Sex

Communicate

Abuse

Obsessively jealous

Trust

Respect

Fun

Dependency or smothering

Conflict

Life purpose

Growing

Then and Now

After you have reflected on these questions, and maybe added some to your list of
issues, you may want to go through them againonly this time as your partner, and
take a look at them as they apply to you. Warning: this can be a powerful eye-opening
exercise.

Continuing Your Relationship Assessment

can you say that your partner is someone you truly like?

If you had to do it all over again, would you marry (or become committed to) your
partner again?

Looking at Your Expectations

Ive seen many relationships fall victim to the expectations put on them.

2: Can Your Relationship Be Saved? An Inventory

Does it need kindling?

The inventory that you are about to take in this chapter comes about as close to the
standard of a litmus test as anything I have found.

Evaluation of Inventory

What really needs to be looked at is the reason you answered true to any item where
true applies

3. I am constantly thinking about how nice it would be to have an affair.

Moderate risk: As long as it is kept on a fantasy level (unless your relationship is not a
monogamous one). Is there someone in particular? Is your fantasy saying that your
sex life is unfulfilling? Chapters 5 and 6 will contain some perspectives for addressing
this issue.

even the best couples do grow apart in certain aspects of their lives.

High risk: Restoring respect once it is gone is somewhere between extremely difficult
and impossible. The only exception to the rule is if you can pinpoint a specific issue(s)
that caused this trend to begin, and then work it through.

Remember the only resource that you cannot replace is time.

Experience shows that unless this is worked through, what comfort exists will drain
away over time and lead to resentment.

25. My partner has done something for which I cannot forgive him/her.

This was the straw that broke the camels back.

High risk: The metaphor of the straw that breaks a camels back indicates that there
have been numerous unresolved issues that taken by themselves may be quite small,
but when added up amount to something rather large. Learning how to deal with these
(instead of sweeping them under the rugto use another metaphor) is probably your
only redeeming way to go. No relationship will survive happily if you cant learn how
to get past lifes upsets. Chapter 6 explores this in detail.

28. I am almost certain my partner is having an affair, and if this is true, I will not
tolerate it.
Moderate to High risk: Believe it or not, many relationships have become stronger
after either the acknowledgment of an affair or the fear of it is brought out and dealt
with. There is no easy answer here, because you are dealing with trustone of the
most important fabrics of the relationship itself. Chapter 3 contains ways to help you
look at the issue of trust.

By discovering that you could go it alone, you are in a much better position to make
the choices necessary here.

your long term happiness, both individually and as a couple, depends on taking the
risk.

the real issue here is acknowledging together the desire for what you had, and
working as a team to recreate it.

my definition of a long-term relationship is one that survives the normal bumps in

the road such as the decrease of that initial passion.

Couples in long-term relationships often find that as individuals they have slowly
begun to walk on different paths.

you can work on changing the climate so that your personal growth is possible.

Truly loving a person is usually incentive to leave no stone unturned in trying to arrive
at a satisfactory degree of fulfillment.

Part 2: Working Through the Curse of Ambivalence

Either (a) the direction your life will now takestaying versus ending your
relationshipis an obvious one or (b) there is even more confusion than you may
have imagined. In the latter case, Part 2 will help you to sort through your
confusion

you can expect success only to the extent you will commit to making
the changes that can resolve your ambivalence.

3: The Pain of Staying Versus the Pain of Leaving

(Examples of relationship ambivalence include: wanting to leave, but not wanting to

let go of the parts of your relationship or lifestyle you do value; being torn between
the good parts of both your relationship and what you perceive as your life after the
relationship ends; wanting to stay, but feeling intolerant of certain aspects of your

relationship; or being unhappy with your relationship, while scared of what awaits
you if you leave it.)

What is Ambivalence?

Ambivalence in and of itself can actually destroy your life!

being ambivalent about it could ruin the quality of it all.

the problem comes in to the degree that you allow yourself to operate under this
all-too-common myth: that there is one and only one absolutely right answer that will
contain no shades of gray. The myth continues when you believe that by being
indecisive and holding out long enough, some certain, indisputable and absolute
answer will somehow come to you.

you will resist making tough decisions at all that you are the least bit ambivalent
about!
By remaining ambivalent, you are making a decision by defaultthat is deciding by
making no decision.

what important life issue doesnt contain some degree of uncertainty? Certainly not
the area of relationships!
Some people actually have a fear of making decisions altogether. If thats you, it is
likely you have many regrets about things that may have passed you by.

to the extent that ambivalence exceeds prudent caution it will generally serve to
hold you back;

So if you are feeling ambivalent about your relationship right now, consider your
ambivalence to be as worthy of resolution as any of your other relationship issues.

Here are a few ways to attack ambivalence:

Remember that just about all of your important decisions are, to one extent or
another, educated guesses.

Forget about certainty. The concept of certainty itself is a myth.

Instead, believe in yourself.

If You Are Questioning Whether to Stay or Go

relationships that end do so not out of failure, but merely because they have
run their course.

that time of your life was simply over. It ran its natural course, and it was time to
move on.

Determine the practical and logical steps in ending your relationship, and
then make a preliminary to-do list for the major life change that lies before
you.

For each of your to-do list items, give special thought as to how you can
accomplish each task in the best possible way, without creating more pain or
more obstacles for you or anyone else involved.

only one caution: pay particular attention to the issues of children who are often
more vulnerable during this period.

Make a list of what sources of support you may need at this point in order to
help you get through your emotional issues

Or Worth Staying?

if both of you are willing to workby whatever meanson the most serious issues,
your relationship is still viable!

Or Toughing It Out?

Here is a handy way to check out your bottom line

On a scale from zero to ten how much do you want your relationship to continue?

you and your partner can even have a great discussion about how you can work
together to bring each of your numbers to 10.

The Crunch Point

this relationship was damaging me.

no longer emotionally connected

 detached sexually

I refused to be abused any longer

Some Bottom Lines to Consider

With rare exceptions, a relationship that is not serving both of you is not benefiting
either of you in the end.

Changes will be permanent only if your partner clearly sees that it is to his or her
personal benefit and advantage to make them. And the same goes for you.

waiting for that mythical absolute certainty is merely a bad strategy for burning up
your most precious and irreplaceable commoditytime!

while for many the task is to learn relationship skills, for others it is to learn how to
leave.

When do you know that a relationship has truly run its course? Any of these three
signals should be taken very seriously:

You and/or your partner do not want to stay in the relationship, and one or
both of you have no desire to work on resolving the issues.

There is no longer a desire for you to spend time together, and neither of you
feels motivated to increase your tolerance of each other, work on your
indifference, or be involved in each others life.

The magnitude of stress is so great that it causes you physical or emotional

problems

My own bottom-line belief is this:

If you are undecided, it is in your own best interest to leave no stone unturned
in trying to save your relationship, provided that your relationship has at least
the potential to add an acceptable degree of happiness and quality to your life.

If you have determined that you must get out in order to live a life that can be
fulfilling to you on a long term basis, then my advice is to do whatever it takes
to recognize that your relationship has indeed run its course, and for the sake
of the quality of your life, accept the reality that it cannot be saved.

Additional Strategies to Work Through Your Ambivalence

Set a definite standard to gauge whether or not your relationship should

continue. For example, make a list of what would have to happen for you to
feel a sense of peace.
In thinking long-term, think about what you can live with for a period from five
years to the rest of your life.

Determine whether your passion conflicts with peace. How would you suggest
someone else (other than your partner) whom you truly cared about resolve this
dilemma?

Set a time limit. their relationship takes on a higher priority.

Trial Separations

 observe whether the absence draws you closer or pushes you further apart.

ground rules

For an innovative approach to the trial separation, take a look at Dr. Bruce Fishers
Healing Separation model in the book, Rebuilding: When Your Relationship
Ends (Fisher & Alberti, 2000)

Getting Professional Help

if you do consult an attorney at a point in time where you are still ambivalent, be
clear that you have not yet decided to separate or divorce.

you will probably feel much better if you do everything you possibly can when it
comes to saving a relationship which you value!

Ambivalence is a state of mind, not a point of fact. Resolving ambivalence may not be
easy, but once you do it you will have the rest of your life to reap the benefits. In the
next chapter, well explore what leaving will be like for you if that is your choice.

4: What If I Leave?Will I Be Sorry?

And All Those Other Questions You May Be Asking

Imagine It

pro and con list thoroughly imagine and visualizewith your eyes closed
what your life would be like if your relationship were now to end.

Here is the visualization exercise:

Allow yourself to thoroughly imagine your relationship ending right now. Be
aware of what your life would be like. Think about the people, places and
things that wouldor you believe wouldbe a part of your life if you were now
to end your relationship. How would life be different for you right now?
(Pause) See if you can imagine a worst-case scenario. (Pause) Be totally aware
of how you are feeling at each step of this process. Next, see if you can conjure
up a best-case scenario, and let yourself just drift with that best-case scenario
for as long as it takes. (Pause) Having imagined a best-and a worst-case
scenario, see if you can find the image that would most represent the reality of
how your life would be right now were you to decide to end your relationship.
(Pause) Next, go forward slightly in time to take a look at what you imagine
your life would be like. What would be some of the joys and sorrows of the very
immediate future just after your breakup? (Pause) Now, take your time and
imagine what things might be like for you one month from now. (Pause) How
about in one year? (Pause) How about in five years? (Pause) How about in
twenty years? (Pause) What would it be like for you toward the end of your
life? (Pause) At each step, imagine that you are past all of the details. What do
you feel most happy about? (Pause) What are your regrets? (Pause) Take
plenty of time to reflect on each of these questions.

The answers you are seeking lie underneath those emotions.

be especially mindful of what it is that you are seeking for yourself by ending this
relationship. Is it peace of mind? Is it freedom?

If I Leave, Will I Be Sorry?

lack of fulfillment was the major factor behind her low-grade depression.

die emotionally and spiritually.

If youre second-guessing your own decision to leave, try this: Honestly compare your
life without the relationship to how it really was with the relationship. (Be realistic
here: forget about how you wished it was, or how it might have been).

Children need to have their own relationshipwith as much stability with each parent
as possible.

nevereverbadmouth each other to or in front of the kids!

Experience has shown that what is ultimately better for the kids usually will
ultimately best serve the parents as well. Remember, youre not leaving your children!

it is normal for sexual desire to fluctuate.

attributed her actions to naivet and perhaps immaturity

the difference between hindsight and insight. Hindsight is the attitude that
underlies that destructive tendency to put yourself downafter the factfor making
what you later perceive to be an incorrect decision hindsight is rarely helpful.

However, some important insights might be: Relationships are complex and involve
two people. When an issue arises, its important to try to resolve it if you value the
person you are involved with, rather than to run away.

Even if I make a seriously wrong decision, I need to learn how to forgive myself, let
go of it (and him) and move on.

Ive Decided to Leave, Now What?

do me a favor and leave for me.

take the responsibility for ending it.

Maybe if I were having an affair

leave with as much dignity as possible.

cooperation can (by some estimates) make your collective legal fees a mere
fraction

peace is priceless, and worth every penny of it!

But Breaking Up Is Hard to Do (or at Least Can Be!)

 both rebound and prebound relationships have one thing in common: they serve as
that combination of anesthesia and/or a safety net to aid the prebounder in breaking
away emotionally.

spending money self medicating

nobody can ultimately make your choices except you.

Some Additional Considerations for Leaving

make every effort to reframe that belief to the alternative, My relationship has run
its course. If you work hard at allowing this affirmation to take hold in your belief
system, you will be amazed at how your negative feelingssuch as anger and guilt
will change.

As hard as it may be, force yourself to see whatever decision(s) you are
making in a positive light.

always refer back to the reasons for making your decision.

relationships are way too complex to be thought of in black-and-white terms.

If you decide to reconcile, do so only after you have resolved the issues that
were responsible for the breakup; This includes genuinely forgiving each
other and letting go of anything and everything either of you may be angry
about.

Take some time to reflect on the relationship that has just ended, and make a
long list of things that you have learned, about yourself and about relationships,
that you would not want to repeat when next you become involved.

Wisdom right now can be defined as your ability to learn from all that has taken
place.

make sure that your next partner is someone who actually likes and supports you

be aware of what your bottom line was in ending it.

5: What If I Stay? Could I Be Missing A Better Life?

Pros and Cons for Staying in this Relationship.

Imagine what staying in your relationship would feel like. Think about the
people, places, and things that would be or continue to be a part of your life if
you were to stay. As you go along, picture details of scenes in your life. Take
all the time you need to feel and experience any emotions that come up for
you. (Pause) and stay with each aspect of this exercise for as long as you would
like in order to be able to see all the visions emerge, feel all of the emotions
that come up, and allow yourself to process any insights that may arise.)
Become aware of what it is you would now need to do in order to keep your
present relationship intact. (Pause) Next, see if you can conjure up a best-case
scenario, and just let yourself just drift with that best-case scenario of staying
together for as long as it takes. (Pause) Then do the same for what you imagine
to be your worst-case scenario. (Pause) Having imagined both a best- and a
worst-case scenario of what your life would be like by staying together, see if
you can find the image that most represents the reality of how your life would
be right now were you to decide to stay. And imagine what you would feel

regarding your decision toward yourself, your partner, and all those relevant
people who are important to you. Be especially aware of any joys or sorrows
that come up. (Pause) Let yourself slowly drift from right now to next month.
What would your life be like in a month if the decision you made were to stay,
and you were able to put any thoughts of leaving behind you? (Pause) A year
from now? (Pause) In five years? (Pause) Twenty years? (Pause) Take all of the
time you need to return to and experience any phase of your visualization that
you feel drawn to. Then slowly, let your vision extend toward the end of your
life. (Pause) When you are good and ready, and you have seen all there is to
see for right now, slowly open your eyes.

I wish I knew, but theres no way I could possibly know right now, so why
ask?

What does your partner need to do in order for you to let go of that last trace of
ambivalence?

What does your partner need to do in order for you to resolve your ambivalence in
favor of staying?

Next, consider whether and how your requests (or demands) can be negotiated.

Your mutual willingness to do what it takes to support each other through the changes
you both find important could be the magic ingredient that takes your relationship off
of life support!

Working It Out Together

Show your willingness to listen to his or her point of view as well.

Chances are that if you keep an open mind, you will learn something that
you have not known before. dont cheat yourself of the opportunity to find
out.

Be as clear as possible when sharing your expectations of each other. You are
looking for long-term solutions

Settle for nothing less than a win-win solution! whats good for you needs
to be good for me

How Have Other Couples Worked It Out?

In my experience, the loss of sexual desire (when there is not a physical reason) is
usually a symptom of underlying anger about one or more unresolved issues.

Changing Your Expectations

the higher your expectations are of each other, the more difficulty you will have in
meeting those expectations!

sabotaged

Total agreement is an unattainable fantasy.

People without quirks do not exist.

Letting your partner be who he is makes things so much easier.

 perfect enough.

Perfect relationships dont exist, either.

Forever exists only in theory. Life is best lived a day (week, month) orperhaps when
applying the principle to deciding whether your relationship can stay togethera
year at a time.

Beware of those vague fantasies of nirvana to which you may be comparing the real
life you have.

You can choose peace by giving your partner the acceptance he or she deserves, or
turmoil by withholding it.

Heres to the End of Your Ambivalence

reconciling those best and worst visions, you can get an incredibly sharp view of
the big picture.

work out ways to change your and your partners behaviornot your personalities.

How realistic is the fantasy of having everything you could possibly want in
one partner? changing what can be changed while accepting everything else.

Never compare an outside affair with your primary relationship. If you have
discovered that your partner has had an affair, avoid the immediate temptation
to write your partner off forever. Take my word for one thing: Although many
relationships do (and perhaps should) split up because of extramarital activities,
many others have been made a lot stronger because of their ability to survive
them.
The lack of sexual desire can have many causes

No relationship that you value is worth throwing away without a thorough evaluation
of these types of conditions.

my definition of what the true nature of a committed relationship is: It is an

agreement that you will stay together until one of you changes your mind!

In the next chapter, we will explore your new life together, along with ways
to minimize the possibility that you will change your mind.

Part 3: The Aftermath of Ambivalence

6: Yes, It Can Be Saved!

Making Your Life Together Really Work This Time

What Could Make It Work For You This Time?

I finally learned what forgiving my partner meantto really let go of the things that I
was angry about

I now realize that I have to accept him for who he is!

I treat her as I want to be treated

now at least we both agree that we have lots more work to do.

I now appreciate what I have in my partner.

learned to tolerate each other

be nurturing and comforting to my partner

resolve it in favor of whoever considers it most important.

find a win-win solution.

When we romanticize, we infer that a relationship can effortlessly operate on

automatic pilot without working on the issues that will inevitably come up.

Creating a New Vision

Develop a vision (perhaps a shared one) of what you would imagine your ideal
relationship to each other would be like.

Setting Relationship Goals

Write a job description for the role of ideal partner.

realistic and possible

Where are we going? (With respect to our goals together, our communication, our sex
life, our finances, parenting our kids, our careers, our lifestyle, etc., etc.)

Where would we like to be? (In all the important areas of life together and separately).

What obstacles are there that separate where we are now from where we want to
be? (Be as specific as possible)

develop a code word

Make it a sacred part of your relationship.

Remember not to expect perfection from yourselves or each other.

When you spend time talking to each other in a meaningful way, dont focus
only on problems and issues!
Plan fun things together.

Learning How to Support Each Other

Everyone defines support in his or her own way when feeling overwhelmed, needy,
troubled or in a crisis. So the question is: What do you prefer? And what does your
partner prefer?

Instructions for Supporting Me When I Need It the Most.

Honoring Your Differences

The choice is yours. Couples who can use those opposite characteristics to their own
advantage operate with four eyes and four ears, rather than canceling each other
out. And canceling is often the result when there is perpetual conflict. But getting this
to work fully to your advantage can present a challenge.

Getting Past Your Issues

Be careful about what you share with your family and friends concerning your
relationship.
Learn to take risks with each other.

Never forget this: You can always share it later, but once its said, you cant unsay
it.

Work hard on your ability to empathize with each other. have a solid
awareness of each others needs, desires and feelings.

check out what my husband meant

Learn to forgive!

as important as passion may be to you, it is rarely enough to sustain a full-time

long-term relationship!

Some Additional Perspectives on Keeping Your Relationship Together

Let your partner pursue what is important to him or her and make an
agreement that both of you will do that for each other. This includes allowing
each other some space and privacy. Also, be sensitive to your partners need to
be alone. If there is one ingredient present in the happiest couples I know, it is
this form of mutual support.

love is conditional based not on who you are but on what you do.
Taking each other for granted simply means forgetting this very important truth
about relationships.

7:No, It Cant Be Saved

Maximizing Your New Single-Again Life

a far more powerful master strategy for you right now is to become emotionally
free.

Then your next relationship will be a choice, not a necessity for happiness.

Single Phobia

What is the best advantage you can tell me about being single? What have you
found to be the worst disadvantage of the single life?

Practically everyone I interviewed pointed to the awesome amount of freedom and

choice that a single lifestyle provided them as being the best thing about single life.

the worst aspect of single life, it was those feelings of loneliness and isolation that
are sometimes a by-product.

like practically everything else in life, theres a price, or a flip side.

learn how to experience and enjoy your power and freedom to the fullest, it will
take a truly special person to get you to give your new lifestyle up

Making the Transition

It is important to allow yourself to mourn your ended relationship

Overcoming Loneliness

At the very least, being able to experience your aloneness as the positive and selfnourishing feeling of solitude will make your life as a single-again person tolerable.
At best, you will discover (or perhaps rediscover) solitude to be profoundly enjoyable
and fulfilling!

Maximizing Your Freedom, Aloneness, and Solitude

time is a gift only if you use it to serve yourself.

Your Next Relationship

Avoid another unworkable relationship. Be aware of inappropriate partners

Focus on your core values. Think about the traits, qualities and behaviors that
you consider essential in a partner.

Epilogue

As you heal from what may have been a major life crisis for you and those around
you, I urge you not to forget this period of time or the process you have undergone.

Work hard to let go of your anger, guilt, blame, and all of the other negative
feelings
it all happens for a purpose.
Dont fool yourself into thinking that one simplistic reason was the cause of
it all!
Remember the good times as well as the bad.

If you are staying:

-

Dont consider this chapter in your life to be over until you have in some way
resolved all the issues that brought you to this crisis in the first place. Then
once they are resolved, pleaselet go of them forever!

Forgiving each other is a critical part of the letting go process. resolve to

start again with a clean slate.

tackle any issue that surfaces while it is still small. Never underestimate the
importance of keeping things current!

Always give one another the benefit of the doubt. And, dont be afraid to give
in.

Long-term relationships are about much more than issues. They are also about
fun, play and lightness.

No matter where things go from here, there is one thing that is crucialto live your
life according to your own choices, sense of empowerment, and fulfillment. I hope
you can make that your definition of living life to the fullest.