When Trust Has Been Betrayed

When Trust has been Betrayed:
Therapeutic Considerations in Treating

Spouses Sexual Betrayal & Emotional Trauma
BYU Conference
October 19, 2012
Dan Gray, LCSW, CSAT
LifeSTAR Network
801-891-6857
801-262-2400
[email protected]
How Active Sex Addicts Treat Spouses
In order to tolerate their own ambiguity and lies they devalue and
diminish their partners.
They externalize and blame their unmet needs on the spouse. thereby feeling entitled to act out.
They deny their spouses reality - leaving the spouse doubting
themselves
When caught, theyre terrified of abandonment - and will use
seduction, regret, lies, blame or manipulation to try to keep the
relationship.
Their needs, wants and desires often come before relationship and
family
They dont understand what broken trust means as they think of it in
limited terms.
Trauma vs. Codependency
Allow Spouse to Process and Grieve

Wait a minute! My heart is broken and my
life is a train wreck. Cant you give me time
and help to process my feelings and allow
me to grieve over my losses instead of
skipping ahead to my role in this chaos,
assuming Im to blame as well?
Your Sexually Addicted Spouse, How Partners can Cope and Heal, Barbara Steffens, Phd & Marsha Means, MA, 2009, New Horizon
Press
Relational Trauma
Relational trauma overwhelms the coping strategies and
can define the relationship as a source of danger rather
than a safe haven in times of stress.
Because we are wired to

connect with others, the
closer the person who hurts
us, the more traumatic the
experience
Trauma/Attachment
Fear of abandonment is the fundamental
human fearit is so basic and so profound that
it emerges even before we develop a language
to describe it. It is so powerful that it activates
our bodys autonomic nervous system, causing
our hearts to race, our breathing to become
shallow and rapid, our stomachs to quiver, and
our hands to shake. We feel a sense of panic
that will not be assuageduntil we regain a
feeling of security.
Your Sexually Addicted Spouse, How Partners can Cope and Heal, Barbara Steffens, Phd & Marsha Means, MA, 2009,
New Horizon Press
Symptoms of Trauma
Fear
Anxiety
Outburst of anger or rage
Hyper-vigilant (excessive alertness or watchfulness)
Irritability
Worrying or ruminating
Intrusive thoughts of the trauma
Tendency to isolate
Difficulty concentrating or remembering
Symptoms of Trauma Continued

Feelings of panic or out of
control
Increased need to control
daily experiences
Difficulty trusting
Feelings of betrayal
Feelings of self-blame or
responsibility
Flooding of feelings and/or
emotional numbness
Feelings of helplessness
Minimizing the experience
Feelings of detachment
Concern over burdening
others
Under or overeating
Shame
Shock and disbelief
Diminished interest in
everyday activities
Withdrawal
Preoccupation with body
image
We call this the

emotional roller-coaster - think PTSD
Average time till this ride slows?

= 9 to18 months if ...
Rob Weiss
SRI
To complicate things further, because the

partners addictive behavior may continue
or there is further disclosure of past
behaviors, the trauma may still be taking
place.
Recovery Boundary Problems - Spouses

Expect the Addict to be 100% emotionally available to meet my
needs now (because he/she owes me).
Expect all of the addicts prior emotional issues (distancing,
crabbiness, narcissism ) to go away right away
Not allow the addict to have a learning curve for better
communication, emotional availability, empathy etc.
Question erections, inner thoughts, looks and fantasy
Dismiss addicts needs for solitude, reflection, healthy self care
(meetings, therapy groups etc)
Physical or Verbal abuse - this is unacceptable
Worried that somehow they can trigger the addict into acting out
Abdicate their own responsibility for relationship healing & growth,
thereby holding the addict solely responsible for the relationship
Mistaken Responses to
Trauma and Triggers
Defensiveness
The Victim Stance
Turn the Table
Ignore and Avoid
Stuck in Logic and Reason
Open and Shut Case
Defensiveness
The Victim Stance
Turn the Tables
Stuck in Logic and Reason
An Open and Shut Case
Reframe a Partners Reactions as

Trauma
It acknowledges a partners symptoms as predictable
reactions to traumatic stress
It validates the partners pain
It encourages the partner to share his or her story in safe
settings and a guided format to ease the pain
It places the responsibility for the addiction on the sex
addict, not on the partner
The partner becomes responsible for setting boundaries if
choosing to stay in the relationship
It provides diagnostic understanding for partners with
learned helplessness
The trauma model seeks to connect the partner to a
support system for healing
New Horizon Press
Creating Safety
When Trust Has Been
Betrayed
Creating Safety
Achieving Sobriety
Doing Whatever it Takes
Transparency/Honesty
Becoming Intentional and Proactive
Battling for your Partners Heart
Achieving Sobriety
Doing Whatever it Takes
Transparency/Honesty
Becoming Intentional and Proactive
Battling for your Partners Heart
One Mans Battle Plan

Daily personal prayer for my wife and myself, I
constantly pray for her healing
Defending wife's reputation and clearing up
any misunderstandings with family/friends
Staying transparent about all my activities
Daily personal scripture study
Home on time from work
Initiate weekly date nights and arrange

babysitting.
Personal journaling and sharing new insights with
wife.
Daily asking my wife about her day and her
feelings.
Listening empathically without trying to fix or
control.
Stop pressuring my wife for sex.
What helps spouses feel safe?

Being respected regarding sex and intimacy
Being allowed to be angry, hurt and
emotional
Consistency in commitments and
agreements
No relationship decisions/pressure for six
months
No sexual pressure
Hearing the truth as clearly and quickly as
possible
Receiving disclosure -if they wish it and it is
appropriate to the situation
Re-traumatized by Others
She can be traumatized by family, friends and
church leaders. Some husbands allow her to be
seen as the problem. He needs to champion
her by acknowledging to others his
responsibility for her trauma.
Teach Post Traumatic Growth
Develop personal empowerment

Develop community of support
Find your voice
Learn healthy boundaries
Self care practices
Mindfulness/meditation
Exercise
Outlets and interests
Your Sexually Addicted Spouse, How Partners can Cope and Heal, Barbara Steffens, Phd & Marsha Means, MA, 2009, New Horizon Press
New ways of responding

The fact that...
Is evidence that
No wife should ever
For that I am sorry
I want to reassure you
Again, I am sorry
What can I do for you right now?
Resources
He Restoreth My Soul, Dr. Don Hilton
Confronting Pornography, Chamberlain, Gray, Reid
Dont Call It Love, Dr. Patrick Carnes
Sexual Addiction and Compulsivity, The Journal of Treatment and Prevention
The Toolbox: Ready Reference Guide for Recovery, LifeSTAR Network, 2005.
Shame
Ted Talks.com video, Brene Brown
Workbook, Connections: Shame Resiliance Curriculum (2007,2009, Hazel.org bookstore, Brene Brown.
Cybersex and Social Networking
Smart Phones, Social Networking, Sexting and Problematic Sexual Behavior, Robert Weiss, Charles Simonows 2010,
Sexual Addiction and Compulsivity, The Journal of Treatment and Prevention
Cybersex Users, Abusers and Compulsives, Cooper, Delmonico, Burg 2000, Sexual Addiction and Compulsivity, The
Journal of Treatment and Prevention
Mindfulness/The Brain
Mindsight, The New Science of Personal Transformation, Daniel J. Siegel, MD, 2010, Bantam Books
He Restoreth My Soul, Dr Don Hilton
Surviving Withdrawal, LifeSTAR Network, 2005
Your Brain on Joy, Dr. Earl Henslin
Insight/a.org
Dharma Talks.org
Amenclinics.com, Dr. Daniel Amen
Resources continued
Spouses
New Horizon Press
Intimate Treason, Healing the Trauma for Partners confronting Sex Addiction, Claudia Black, PhD & Cara Tripodi, LCSW,
2012, Central Recovery Press
Creating Safety, LifeSTAR Network 2005
Confronting Your Spouses Pornography Problem, Reid, Gray
The Toolbox for Partners: A Ready Reference Guide for Recovery, LifeSTAR Network, 2005.
Alexithymia
Journal of Sex and Marital Therapy, Reid, Carpenter, Spackman and Willes, 2008; 34 (2): 133-49
Toronto Alexithymia Scale (TAS-20)
Trauma/Attachment/Affect Regulation
Addiction as an Attachment Disorder, Phillip J. Flores, PhD, 2004, Roman & Littlefield Publishers, Inc.
Hold Me Tight, Susan Johnson
Schore & Schore; Modern Attachment Theory: The Central Role of Affect Regulation in Development and Treatment
Affect Regulation Allan N. Schore
Bowlby (1991) On Emotion, Non-verbal Communication, Attitude and Action
Still Face Video, You Tube

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When Trust has been Betrayed:

Therapeutic Considerations in Treating

How Active Sex Addicts Treat Spouses

Trauma vs. Codependency

Allow Spouse to Process and Grieve

Because we are wired to

Symptoms of Trauma Continued

We call this the

Average time till this ride slows?

To complicate things further, because the

Recovery Boundary Problems - Spouses

The Victim Stance

Turn the Tables

Stuck in Logic and Reason

An Open and Shut Case

Reframe a Partners Reactions as

Doing Whatever it Takes

Becoming Intentional and Proactive

Battling for your Partners Heart

One Mans Battle Plan

Initiate weekly date nights and arrange

What helps spouses feel safe?

Teach Post Traumatic Growth

Develop personal empowerment

New ways of responding

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