If so youre not alone, 75% of toddlers regularly lose it, so dont despair, understanding why tantrums occur and

what you can do to deal with them, is the key to stopping them in their tracks.

What is a tantrum?
Aside from being a very public display of your parenting skills, a tantrum is really about your child realising that he/she is a separate person, with their own voice and views who doesnt want to be told what to do by anyone i.e. you, his/her friends, relatives or even grandparents. For this reason when your child feels out of control for any reason, they become overwhelmed by their feelings, and experience a flood of emotions, which triggers a tantrum.

How spot the signs of a tantrum

1. Look for signs of tiredness and/or hunger. Toddlers are simple creatures and so are always more likely to become overwhelmed and fly into a rage if he/she is exhausted or hungry, causing a toddler tantrum. Remember they dont always know what they are feeling and so cant tell you what they need. 2. Look for signs of increasing stress. Especially when you are rushing your child. Pushing a child to go faster than they are ready to (whether thats to get him/her out the door or to act in a grown up way) will cause an emotional meltdown in much the same way in does when were pushed to go beyond our limits. 3. Look for signs of impending anger. A toddlers desire to gain control over his/her life is huge, and constantly being told no is the perfect recipe for a mammoth tantrum. Be sure youre saying no for their sake and not just to make your life easier. 4. Looks for signs of growing frustration. This will always feed into a tantrum because your child cannot understand why he/she cant do something she wants to like climb onto the table, watch more television or even share his/her toys. 5. Look for signs of distress. A rage can also be triggered by anxiety especially when you are leaving without them, or when another child is encroaching on their space. Diffuse the situation by preparing your child for whats going to happen, or diverting their attention from whoever is distressing them.

How to cope with tantrums

1. The best way to curb tantrums is to give your child a feeling of being in control. Give a choice within a choice, advises health visitor Emma Leigh, Say would you like to hold my hand or hold on to the pushchair when we go shopping? Would you like to wear the red t-shirt or the green one? This will give your child a feeling they have some control over the situation and make them less likely to throw wobbly. 2. Dont take it personally. Remind yourself that a tantrum is not about you its about your child being overwhelmed, so hard as it is keep your voice calm and your body language relaxed. Speak in a low voice, dont try to pick them up (unless they are in danger) and reassure your child that they will be fine. Naming the emotion can also help here, says clinical psychologist Linda Blair. Say: I know youre angry/upset because X happened, but youre okay, well sort it out. Mummy is here, and they will start to calm down. 3. To solve a tantrum dont try reasoning. Trying to approach a childs rage logically wont work, says Emma Leigh. Toddlers arent logical and when they are midtantrum so dont want to talk. Your best bet is to divert their attention away from

whats upsetting them, give them a cuddle (if theyll let you) and distract them. Luckily they have short attention spans so can be sidetracked easily. Some children do have whoppers when it comes to tantrums and though exhausting arent a problem, unless: 1. They try to hurt themselves when in a rage while breath holding, and hitting themselves are common, consult your GP for advice if youre worried. 2. Try to hurt you mid tantrum - always worth talking to your health visitor about in case they hurt siblings or other children

What not to do:

1. Dont get angry too, adding your emotions to the mix will just make the situation worse. 2. Dont punish tantrums it wont solve anything. The key is to understand what has triggered the rage and deal with that. 3. Dont think cuddling your child post tantrum is condoning the behaviour. A raging child is upset and overwhelmed and needs comforting by you. 4. Dont worry what other people think, especially in public. They dont know you or your child. 5. Dont bribe your child out of a tantrum it wont teach them anything.
6. Feb062013 7. 8. Barbara Frazier

9. Getting Through the Terrible Twos

10. The "terrible twos" conjures up a picture of a raging toddler pitching a very loud tantrum in the seat of a shopping cart in the grocery store while his very distraught mother (or father) frantically tries to soothe or distract him (maybe shoving cookies in his mouth) as others look on disapprovingly with looks that say "Can't you control your child?" If you've been a parent of a young child, you have probably experienced something along these lines at some time or another when your child was in his second or third year. So what is it during this phase of development that seems to bring about such quick changes of mood accompanied by rather intensive emotional outbursts at the drop of a hat? Well, actually these outbursts are common during this phase, and signal the complexity of the fast growth the toddler is experiencing along with his difficulty at times in assimilating the new challenges with which he is confronted. In particular, there is one challenge that stands out above the others, and this is the growing need to develop a sense of independence while at the same time maintaining a close, loving bond with the parents. 11. The need for independence has come about as a result of the new skills and capacities your toddler has acquired as he enters his second year. During the first year of life, parents are primarily concerned with the comfort and happiness of their baby as a close attachment is formed that is facilitated by regular nurturing and loving contact. This is a mutual need-fulfilling situation that poses very little conflict between parent and child. As the second year begins, however, most children have acquired the ability to walk, allowing them to begin practicing moving short distances away from the parent, while still engaged through hearing and seeing mommy's voice and face and exchanging gestures with her that make baby feel secure with the distance. As the

budding toddler moves toward eighteen months of age, his capacities have expanded significantly. He not only walks, he can run and move about with much greater agility, allowing for greater distances between he and mommy. His new cognitive capacities allow him to be able to begin solving problems such as figuring out how to climb up in the chair to get the toy that is sitting on top of the table. He is acquiring the ability to learn and use symbols, which means he is connecting words to objects. Instead of just pointing his hand toward the object he wants, he can now combine pointing with a word to indicate the object and as such, is able to better communicate to the parent his exact wishes. 12. In addition to these new cognitive skills, the toddler has a greatly expanded emotional life. He has a variety of new feelings, desires, and interests. There is the need to explore the world around him, to be assertive and independent, and to express his pleasure and delight in his newfound capacities and interactions. At the same time, he becomes angry and frustrated when his desires are thwarted by mommy and daddy who are now beginning to set limits upon his activities. This clash of wills between the toddler and his parents threaten his continued need for dependency and closeness, resulting in the addition of separation anxiety to the newer experience of negative emotions. The toddler finds himself in the position of alternating between the new joys of independent exploration, the continued need for closeness to mommy and daddy, and an increasing clash of desires and will, all of which serve to produce quick mood changes and sometimes intensive emotional outbursts as the toddler is unable to adequately satisfy these seemingly opposing needs at the same time. 13. It is the parents' job to assist the toddler with the negotiation of these different needs while also protecting him from his inability to rein in his emotions and desires when they lead him toward danger. Parents can and should delight and share in the toddlers new independence, yet must also set limits that help the toddler begin to develop some self-control while also integrating positive and negative emotions into a more whole and complex sense of self. The key is to provide a nurturing, secure backdrop upon which limits can be experienced and negotiated, along with the emotions they produce.

14.

Limit-Setting

15. The purpose of setting limits for toddlers is to help them organize their behavior and gain control over their emotions. We give the toddler boundaries so that he can explore the world with a sense of freedom without being in danger. Stanley Greenspan calls this establishing "behavioral fences," (from Building Healthy Minds, 1999). The key idea here is that limit setting is not the same as punishment, but rather a way of teaching the toddler to internalize self-control without squelching his independence.

16. How Is It Done?

17. By the time you need to set limits, you have already begun to establish a means of communicating with your toddler through gestures and cues. You will use this same methodology to set limits. By pointing your finger, changing the tone of your voice, and looking straight into your child's eyes while giving a strong "No," you will begin to attune the toddler to cues that tell him to inhibit his behavior. Let's take an example. Say your toddler goes over to the coffee table, picks up a magazine, and begins to tear the pages out of it. You have already shown him several times that he may look at the pictures, but must not tear them out of the book. This time, you get down on his level and look him firmly in the eye while gesturing (pointing forcefully) at the pages being torn out, and say with a slightly elevated voice, "No!" If he continues, you continue to elevate your voice and repeat the command. If he still doesn't respond as you wish,

you then remove the magazine. Very likely this will result in the toddler's crying, or perhaps even wailing and screaming in frustration and anger. Now here's where the tricky part comes in. You do not at this point want to punish the toddler. You have already set the limit. What's more important now is to help him gain control of himself, and you do this by sympathizing with his feelings. After all, tearing the pages out of the magazine was fun! It made a fascinating sound and the toddler is upset at having his fun interrupted. You want to let him know that you understand how he feels. You might say something like, "It made you mad when I took away the magazine, didn't it?" All the while you are rubbing his back to soothe him. When he has sufficiently calmed down, you can reengage him in the activity of looking at the magazine while reinforcing that the pages cannot be removed. 18. What you have done is assisted the child in gaining some control over his emotions and behavior, while also allowing him to experience his very natural negative feelings. By this action, you are telling the toddler that his feelings are normal, but at the same time, there is a better way to handle them. What you don't want to do is inhibit the normal expression of negative emotions. Your first job is to help the toddler experience them (through sympathizing with and acknowledging them), and then to teach him more appropriate ways of expressing them such as through verbalization. You will notice that over time, particularly as the child moves into the third year, that you will have success at helping the child label the feelings with words, and that this very act of verbalization will assist him to more quickly diffuse the intensity of the feelings. Keep in mind that allowing your child to express feelings does not spoil him. It is only in not setting limits and teaching your toddler how to rein in his behavior and emotions that you spoil him.

19. Time-Out
20. Time-out has become the favorite all-American mode of trying to control behavior, however, it should be used in moderation with toddlers. If you have tried every thing else and decide time-out is necessary, you will need to make some allowances for how it is used with this age group. Remember that our toddler is struggling with both the need for independence and the need to maintain closeness with parents. If you feel you need to impose a time-out, it should be very short in duration and should take place in the same room where you are located. Children this age should not be separated from their parents in the course of limit setting. Instead of helping the child gain control of himself, you will increase his separation anxiety. Further, he will associate his negative display of emotions with emotional abandonment. The more your toddler is able to experience the combination of positive and negative emotions within the presence of the same caring and nurturing adults, the more likely he will be to form a complete sense of self that smoothly integrates the positive and negative aspects of the personality. 21. As adults, we know that the hallmark of mental health is having the ability to access all of our tendencies, emotions, and thoughts, and then be able to channel them in ways that are productive and that promote our well being. It's when these various parts of ourselves are split off into categories that we run into to trouble. The second and third years of life are where these patterns are established. You are teaching your toddler that "angry me" and "loving me" are both part of the same person. First they see it in terms of "bad mommy" (mommy who won't let me tear that magazine), and "good mommy" (mommy who hugs me and tucks me in at night). These two mommies coexist within the singular person who is ultimately nurturing and provides a sense of love and security.

22.

Play Time

23. Limit setting must occur in equal amounts to play time, or time spent that is not conflictual. "Play" is the language of children, and for the toddler is a must. If you are not used to engaging in play, begin by simply making a large space on the floor that is perhaps gated off so there are no temptations in the way. Use simple toys or just regular items that are available such as pots and pans, blocks, dolls, etc. What you want to do is allow the toddler to be the boss. This means letting him lead the play and make the decisions. If he wants to bang on pots, then join in. Most endearing to all toddlers and young children are adults who are able to act silly. If you make funny faces and sounds, you'll find your toddler rolling over with laughter and telling you "Again, again!" Also, big body motions are popular - jumping, dancing around, skipping, etc. Avoid sitting for periods of time with educational type toys at this age. Looking at books is great, but be sure to balance this with more creative, free form play. Don't get too involved with trying to make complex stacks of blocks, or doing puzzles, etc. More likely, your toddler will build blocks and then knock them all down. 24. A regular rule of thumb regarding play time is that if your toddler is experiencing increasing tantrums, or seems more emotionally discontent than usual, then it means you need to add in more play time. Play time restores the bond of closeness that is threatened by the toddler's angry feelings, and also allows the toddler some very needed power to offset the loss of power experienced from limit setting. As your child gets older, he will be able to play for longer periods of time alone and thus soothe himself. But for now, you and he are partners. Enjoy it - it doesn't last forever! 25. Temper Tantrums. Moodiness. Nagging. An affinity for the word "no." Welcome to toddler-hood. In fact, the behavior often associated with this stage makes this period even harder than puberty for some! But don't worry; it's not an impossible situation. In fact, if you know what's happening inside your toddler's brain, you can turn this into a terrific time for you and your baby. 26. In order to make this time, entering toddlerhood, easier for both you and your child, it's important to understand what's happening in your child's brain and embrace what he is going through.

27.

Age-Linked Leaps:

28. First things first: research has shown that babies make ten major, predictable, agelinked changes - or leaps - during their first 20 months of their lives. With each leap comes a drastic change in your baby's mental development, which affects not only his mood, but also his health, intelligence, sleeping patterns and the "three C's" (crying, clinging and crankiness). 29. In the first half-year of life, the three C's get the better of the parents. Parents find themselves sleepless and frustrated, but they realize that their kid is just a baby who can't help himself and therefore try to comfort him. 30. The leaps in the second half-year of life and through the first 20 months, however, are a little tougher for your child - and you. 31. In the second half-year, while parents tend to get irritated with the onset of leaps, they try to distract their child and for the most part, that works. But, a child in the second year of life doesn't let himself be distracted by his parents and that results in periods with conflicts and sometimes even real arguments. 32. This is the rationale behind the extended edition of The Wonder Weeks, which helps parents ease into the second year and toddlerhood with their child. It's at the ninth and tenth leaps (64 weeks and 75 weeks, respectively) that the biggest and most radical

changes take place. Suddenly he is not a baby anymore, but a real toddler. He gets the ability to perceive and handle "principles." It sounds difficult, but he can now get to a higher level of understanding than before. 33. And this means it's time to lay down some ground rules because now, he is ready for them mentally. And, in doing so, parents can prevents their toddler from becoming a "Terrible Two" and flip it to a tremendous time.

34.

Teenaging Toddlers:

35. It's important to realize that this period, just like puberty with teenagers, is part of a normal development for toddlers. Don't let it get to you too much and realize it will all blow over. 36. In order to make this time easier for both you and your child, it's important to understand what's happening inside his head and embrace what he's going through. By understanding what is going on in the brain at the age of 64 weeks (ninth mental leap) and 75 weeks (tenth and last mental leap in infancy), you can moderate the behavior of your "teenaging toddler" and help him navigate this period of development.

37.

Crossing the Bridge from Babyhood to Toddler-Time:

38. In the first year of life your baby's brain has made huge and radical change eight times already. With each leap, you baby's outlook on life changed drastically, and he entered a new perceptual world, so to speak. These new and strange worlds were scary for your baby and made him fussy at first. By one year of age your baby has conquered the worlds of "sensations," "patterns," "smooth transitions," "events," "relationships," "categories," "sequences," and "programs." 39. Around 15 months, your little one has a new ability to observe and handle "principles." Because he has risen above the previous confines of "programs," he has shed their rigid character. Before this leap of principles, our little helper was still bound by certain strict programs, which tended to be a tad mechanical in nature. Although he had learned what to do to achieve his goal, he always did it in the same sequence. He wasn't able to adapt to circumstances. That will change after this leap of principles.

40. Welcome to Toddler-Time: From Theatricism to Temper Tantrums

41. For the first time, your child is now able to change programs he's learned so far. And he loves playing with this. You can see how he varies the programs endlessly and studies all consequences of this. You can see how he does all kinds of "physical antics," gets acquainted with the outdoors, starts to be more skillful with things and language, imitates others, role-plays daily life, practices emotions, starts to think ahead, starts nagging to get his way, starts to put on drama-play, starts to "demand" a vote, starts to be "aggressive," can distinguish between mine and yours, starts being nice and placating to get on mom's good side, starts to make jokes to get around the rules, starts negotiating and bargaining, starts experimenting with "yes" and "no," starts to know how to get someone to do something for him, learns to do something together, wants to help in the household, and experiments with "thoughtless" vs. "careful."

42.

Time for Clear Rules!

43. When he has entered the world of principles, he yearns for rules. He is looking for chances to become familiar with them. Just like your kid deserves food everyday, he

deserves rules, too. Most rules he can only discover when given by you. Social rules in particular are important. You have to show him what is correct and what is incorrect behavior. There is no harm in laying down the law. On the contrary, you owe it to him, and who better to do so than someone who loves him?

From the time she started walking, your toddler has struggled toward some degree of separation, autonomy, independence, and personal identity. It is important to honor your childs desire to feed and dress herself as well as being tuned in to her readiness for toilet training, more complex expressions through art and interest in sports and games. Finding a balance between meeting your child's growing need for independence, while at the same time offering him all the support, comfort, and even babying that he needs, can be difficult for any parent.

[edit] No Pressure
While somewhere before his third birthday, your child may become quite adept in his ability to dress or eat or play independently, he may resist doing these things if you pressure him to do them himself. This resistance to independence is actually one more way in which your two-year-old is demonstrating his independence. In order to assert his own will, the two-yearold often feels the need to oppose the will of his parents, even when his parents are encouraging him to act independently. This desire to be oppositional, combined with a limited vocabulary, often results in tantruming. Though it may not appear to be the case, your toddler

is actually trying to control himself. Despite all the turbulence, the two-year-old becomes increasingly self-aware throughout his third year of life. By the time a child turns three, this self-awareness will probably awaken a previously unseen ability in your toddler to empathize. All of the strife of the terrible twos is well worth the aggravation when you begin to notice the kind and loving acts of your newly empathetic three-year-old. Empathy is formed from selfawareness, which is the product of independence.

[edit] Dressing Himself

By about two-and-a-half many children begin to show interest in dressing and undressing themselves some of the time. The practice of dressing ones self helps to improve both coordination and confidence. Until the age of three, your child will probably need help with her socks, shoes, and mittens. Tying shoes is normally well beyond the capabilities of a twoyear-old, but a child this age may be able to master shoes with Velcro straps. By the age of three, your child may be able to dress herself completely in easy-on outfits. Be patient and give the child the time she needs and do not make her feel rushed or anxious about doing a good job. Let your two-year-old choose her own clothing if she wants to and ignore the inevitable fashion faux pas. No one is harmed if your two-year-old chooses plaid pants with a floral shirt or opts to wear the same outfit day after day. Avoid buttons, snaps and zippers as much as possible because they are difficult for little fingers to fasten. Buy pants with an elastic waistbands and pull-over tops. If you cannot avoid buttons, snaps, and zippers remember that large ones will be easier for your child to practice on. Also consider buying your child a dress-up doll with buttons, zippers, snaps, and Velcro so that he can practice dressing his doll and, in so doing, become more adept with these implements on his own clothing.

[edit] How to Help by Not Helping

The best way you can help your two-year-old toward autonomy is to stay out of his way but close enough to helpfully intervene when he really needs it. Some tips for finding that balance between giving space and giving help:

Be patient with your child. It takes a two-year-old longer to complete simple tasks, but with time and opportunity, he will eventually master some of the tasks of self-care in daily living, which will make everyones life a bit easier. Leave extra time for everything. If you want your child to practice independent skills, it's not fair to hurry him through them. So get ready to leave ten or fifteen minutesokay, half an hourbefore you actually have to go anywhere. When you are short on time, trade off tasks. "You choose a pair of socks out of your drawer and on I'll put them on your feet." Empower your child with the power of choice. Look for ways to increase your toddler's sense of competence, strength, ability, and power. Allow your child decide where to hang his latest artwork (building his sense of pride and confidence) or encourage him to carry some of the groceries (building his sense of strength). Instead of forcing, directing, or commanding your child to do what you want, gently steer him toward the desired activity. Give your toddler choices as to what he should do next.

Remember too that, if all the options you offer are things your child likes to do and things you want him to do, heand youcan't lose no matter what he chooses to do first.

If your child can do it, let him have the opportunity to do it. Your two-year-olds skills will only improve if he gets a chance to use them. The more practice you give your child, the faster he will master a task and undertake that task voluntarily. Intervene only when the child becomes frustrated or asks for help directly. Do not take over just because you think your child has been trying long enough and you are eager to get the job done. As long as your two-year-old is still trying and is not expressing anger or frustration, then he is still confident that he can complete the task. If you lose patience and do it for him, you undermine his confidence and make him feel that his previous efforts were wasted. Remember that your child is only two and, although he is much more independent than a one-year-old, he is by no means fully capable. A two-year-old still experiences bouts of clinginess and anxiety, though they are generally shorter and less pronounced than they were the previous year. Give help whenever your child asks for it because he wouldnt ask for it if he didnt really need it. Praise the effort, not just success. If your child nearly succeeds at the taskperhaps he buttoned his shirt, but missed a buttondon't redo it. Do not make him feel as though he has to do everything perfectly when he's just learning. Don't pressure your child or he will resist doing it at all.