Different Personalities

Does the following scenario sound familiar? You had your first child,
successfully navigated your way through a few years of parenting with
a parenting style that worked, figured it out -- for the most part -- and
thought, I can do this again! I want to do this again! Along came
child number twoand bam! Parenting as you understood it was
turned upside down, all of your tried and true parenting techniques
were less than effective. What do you do when your parenting style
doesnt work with your second child? Keep reading for advice on how
to adjust your parenting style.
If you've found that your previously successful parenting techniques
aren't working with your second child, it's likely that you and your child
have very different personalities. Janet Penley, author of MotherStyles:
Using Personality Type to Discover Your Parenting Strengths, explains
how differing personalities -- yours and your child's -- can lead to head
butting, button pushing and general frustration. But more importantly,
she offers advice on how to change up your parenting style to make it
work.
What type of mom are you?
You might want to take ten minutes to complete a quiz that will help
you determine your mothering personality. The results can help you
understand how you and your child are different. Penley explains that
personality type information is useful because it can encourage you to
break out of "right versus wrong thinking" and instead put the situation
in perspective.
Natural behavior isn't necessarily misbehavior
"In general, differences between people are the spark of life, but
sometimes that spark can flare up into frictions, anger and
resentment," says Penley. "When you're raising a child that has a
different personality, it's just fraught with opportunities for
misunderstandings and miscommunication. Being more mindful of
different personality types can really help you distinguish something
you might judge as misbehavior that is actually just someone acting
naturally."
If you're a structured person, you like routine, order and a schedule.
But if your child is unstructured, he doesn't see anything wrong with
leaving several tasks half-completed -- toys strewn around the room,
crayons on the table and a bike by the front door -- when the urge
strikes him to run outside and play in the sandbox. In fact, from his
point of view, why wouldn't he?! It's not that he's misbehaving or
ignoring your repeated requests to clean up, but rather he's acting
"naturally."
Meeting in the middle
Rules are important, of course. Making your personality work with your
child's doesn't mean throwing order and structure out the window.
Instead, Penley suggests that because you are the adult and have the

ability to reason, you'll be the one to "flex" more. "Of course, you can't
overflex to your child," says Penley. "If you do, the boundaries will be
pushed too far."
Instead, you have to find the balance between flexing to your child's
personality and meeting your needs and enforcing your rules, and
that's not easy. "Often, you're going to err in one direction or the other,
and that's what makes parenting a challenge, she says. However, aim
for the basics. If maintaining a clutter-free home is important to you,
then you can insist that your child put his toys away when he's done
playing with them. However, remember to be flexible in other
situations. For example, if he's in the middle of a task and something
interesting catches his attention, give him an opportunity to take a
break and explore that.
Being a mom changes you
"When you're responsible for kids, no matter what your natural
tendencies, sometimes motherhood will stretch you to be your
opposite [self]," says Penley. And it's true! If you're extremely freespirited, you'll have to be a little more structured and organized or
you'll lose your mind! The same applies if you used to be extremely
ordered -- you have to become more flexible.
Go with the flow and remember that your children are just like
everyone else. No two people are alike. The parenting style you used
with your first child might not work with your second child. The good
news is that with a flexible attitude, you'll find the balance with time,
and -- even though it may not always seem like it -- with your sanity
intact.
Do you have two (or more) children with different
personalities? How has that affected your parenting style?
Share your experience in the comments section below.
Read more about different parenting styles
When your child misbehaves: Tips for positive discipline
Most parents learn quickly that the best way to deal with challenging
behaviour is to prevent it. But despite a parents best efforts, there will
be times when your child acts in a way that is not okay. The behaviour
might be dangerous (to your child or others), not appropriate, or break
a rule that youve clearly set out.
Discipline is a form of teaching your child. How you discipline will
depend on your childs age, stage of development, personality and
many other factors. Discipline:
Protects your child from danger.
Helps your child learn self-control and self discipline.
Helps your child learn a sense of responsibility.
Helps instill values.
The Canadian Paediatric Society strongly discourages the use of
physical punishment on children, including spanking.
What makes discipline work?

Your child needs to see discipline as being fair. He should be able to

respect you as the parent and also the rights of other people.
Discipline thats not consistent (the same whenever possible) is
confusing to children, no matter how old they are. If you are
inconsistent in the way you discipline your children, they will find it
hard to understand.
As a parent, you have a unique bond with your child. If you discipline
your child with respect and make sure that its consistent and fair,
youll have lasting positive effects.
How can I help my child learn good behaviour?
Offer praise and affection regularly.
Know what to ignore.
Plan transitions from one activity to the next, and talk to your
child about them so he knows what to expect.
Offer limited and realistic choices you can live with.
Accept mistakes.
Be a role model.
Let your child know what you expect and the rules for good behaviour.
Remind her regularly about rules and limits. A good limit:
Is appropriate to your childs age and stage of development.
Helps your child learn self-control.
Protects your childs and others safety.
Is explained using simple language.
Is enforced firmly, respectfully and kindly.
How can I deal with misbehaviour?
Redirect to another activity
Redirectionwhen a bad activity is changed to a good activity
is useful for toddlers and sometimes older children. Say your
toddler wants to play with a breakable glass object on a hard
kitchen floorredirect her to a safe activity by trading the
breakable object for a ball.
Explain with words that teach her what you dont want her to do.
Use logical consequences
When redirection doesnt work, apply clear consequences for the
action. Consequences should be related to the behaviour. If your
older child throws food on the floor, make sure she helps you
clean up the mess. When the mess is cleaned up, the
consequence is over.
When there isnt a clear consequence, you can take away a
privilege. For young children this must happen right away. For
example, a child who is playing too roughly can be made to play
away from other children for a short time.
Encourage problem-solving
Allow your child to help find a solution to misbehaviour, and she
will be more likely to make it happen.

Solving problems helps your child learn about the consequences

of her actions.
Use time-outs
Time-outs are best for children who are at least 2 years old. Try
counting to 3 slowly and without raising your voice before you give a
time-out. Sometimes this will help your child change his behaviour.
Time-outs should take place in a safe, quiet corner or chair, away
from others and without distractions. For an older child, it could
mean going to his room for a quiet time.
Briefly explain the reason for the time-out No hitting and
send your child to the designated spot.
If he refuses, take him by the hand or carry him.
Time-outs should last 1 minute for every year of your childs age,
to a maximum of 5 minutes. Use a clock such as an oven timer.
This way your child knows that the end of the time time-out
depends on the clock and not on you.
If he is having a temper tantrum, consider not starting the clock
until your child settles down.
During time-out, ignore your child, even if she shouts or
apologizes.
When the time-out is over, clear the air by offering a new
activity. Dont lecture about the behaviour.
What do I do if my child throws temper tantrums?
Tantrums are a normal part of child development. They are caused by
strong negative emotions that your child isnt able to control or express
in other ways.
You can prevent some tantrums by:
Paying attention to good behaviour.
Reducing triggers whenever possible, such as being hungry or
overtired.
Distracting and redirecting with Lets read a book or Lets
have a snack.
Asking your child to express herself in another way: Do you feel
angry?
Tantrums can often be avoided or shortened by:
Stepping in before your child loses complete control.
Speaking in a calm voice and acknowledging her frustration. For
example: It is okay to be angry, but you cant hit.
Helping her work out her problem.
When a tantrum does occur:
Ignore the behaviour.
Watch from a distance to keep your child safe. Move furniture,
toys or other children out of the way.
If your child becomes so upset and out of control that he might
hurt himself or others, you should hold him, using just enough

strength to restrain him. Do this carefully to avoid hurting him. At

no time should you spank or use any other physical punishment.
When the time-out is over, offer a drink of water or a face wash.
Redirect to a new and interesting activity.
Coping With Your Childs Personality

Ever feel frustrated by your high-energy baby? What can

you do about a child who screams himself silly when he doesnt get his
own way? A youngster who gets overexcited when a playmate come
over? The experts tell us that theres probably not a lot you can go
about changing the way a child tends to reach if that tendency is
inborn but there are ways you can help him manage his impulses
better and spare yourself lots of grief along the way.
Realize that your childs immature behavioral style is not your fault
because temperament is biological not something he learned from you.
Still it is within your power to help your child cope with his
temperament and eventually to understand himself or herself better
instead of feeling sorry for yourself for having a noisy, distractible or
shy child. Learn to accept this as his/her nature and then develop a
strategy to help him or her adapt in a socially acceptable way. Replace
a victimized mind-set with an adult resolve to help your child
ameliorate his difficulties. Above all, remember that all temperamental
qualities can be shaped to work to a childs advantage if they are
sensibly managed.
To become a manager of your childs temperament, make sure that
you step back from his objectionable behavior for a minute and remind
yourself that his shrill shriek of excitement or his irregular sleeping
habits are not deliberate reactions but one he can yet control. The key
is to switch on the objective part of your mind rather than to become
emotionally embroiled in his temperamental difficulties. Through this
emotionally neutral stance, youll be better able to help him modify
his reactions because youll be thinking rationally.
Develop specific plans ahead of time to cope with troublesome
behavior and then enforce them in a sympathetic but consistently firm
ways. If your child tends to get wild on family occasions or when he or
she is with friends, be sensitive to this tendency and take steps to
quiet it before it escalates. (Decide ahead if this activity is one he or
she can handle. With younger children avoiding potential problem
situations may be the best solution). With a baby you may want to tell
your host that you will want to leave the party early. You can also take
your child into a quiet room and sit with him until he falls asleep.

Follow similar procedure with an older child, either by removing him or

her from the activity, distracting him or her with something quieter
such as a story hour or a snack or calling a time out period. See
Successful Parenting for practical suggestions to handle a wide variety
of behavior problems.
An infant with irregular biological rhythms will need special structuring
from you so that he or she eventually learns to sleep through the night,
to eat at the usual meal times and to control his or her bladder and
bowel function. In this case, a doctor or child-behavior expert may be
able to help to develop a schedule for your baby. See Sleep Issues for
Kids and Teens or Bedwetting Information for some additional help.
For an older child who resists going to sleep, you may have to make
special distinctions between bedtime and sleep-time. To help him
settle down, you can insist that the youngster get into bed at a certain
time but permit him to read or play quietly until he feels sleepy. In this
way, you are regulating his schedule but still allowing him to relax at
his own pace.
Learn to distinguish between behavior that is temperamentally induced
and that which is learned. If a child knocks over your best vase by
mistake because he is a high-energy child and was running gleefully
through the living room, your response should be different than if he
broke your vase deliberately.
In some instances you will probably be upset and may express your
displeasure. But the action you pursue should be different. In the first
case you may have to give some thought on how to prevent your child
from running through the living room and remembering other ways
he/she can work off his/her energy while in the house. In the second
scenario, you will probably want to punish the child for his or her
deliberate destruction of your personal property to impress upon
him/her that this behavior is socially unacceptable. With temperament,
the goal is always to manage rather than to systematically punish.
By the same token learn to distinguish between a tantrum that is
temperamentally
determined
and
one
that
is
deliberately
manipulative. Both may look the same because in both instances the
child is crying or screaming loudly but the reasons for them are
different. A strong-willed and intense child may react to a
disappointment with a tantrum but the parent should understand that
in a sense the child really cant help it that this is his innate
behavioral reaction. This is in marked contrast to the less intense child
who screams and cries in the same way when you say no because he
has learned that such behavior will weaken your resolve and make
your give into him. Becoming an expert on your childs temperament
will help you distinguish between the two types of tantrums and then
you can react to the tantrum appropriately.
Finally remember that one of the most important jobs a parent can do
is help his child develop self-esteem. That doesnt mean over-inflating

his ego but rather helping him develop a positive sense of himself with
a fair sense of his strengths and weaknesses. Understanding a child
temperament is the first step toward enhancing his self-esteem
because you will be able to deliver praise sensitively in accordance
with his innate tendencies and help him build upon those traits in a
positive way. Please see Helping Your Child Develop Self-esteem for
some useful suggestions.
Parenting Strategies For Very Intense Children:
Provide activities that are soothing such as warm bath, massage,
water play, stories.
Recognize cues that signal that intensity is rising.
Help child learn to recognize cues that signal that intensity is
rising.
Use humor to diffuse intensity.
Teach child to use time-out as a time to calm self-down.
Avoid escalating intensity of child be reacting intensely to his/her
behavior. Give calm, clear, brief feedback.
Parenting Strategies for Slow-to-Adapt Children:
Establish clear routines.
Prepare child by discussing plans for the day when routine
changes.
Prepare child for transitions.
Give warnings a few minutes before transition from one activity
to next occurs.
Allow time for closure of one activity before going on to next.
Stay aware of number of transitions required, and keep
transitions to minimum if possible.