NML’s Guide

to…….. the No
Contact Rule

The definitive guide to breaking

up with men that don’t want to
break…but they don’t want give
you what you want either…

From the editor of Baggage Reclaim and author

of Mr Unavailable & the Fallback Girl
Contents

The Ten Commandments of Breaking Up 3

Introduction 6

The No Contact Rule defined 8

When to apply the No Contact Rule 10

Is the No Contact Rule permanent? 12

The No Contact Rule Do’s and Don’ts 13

How to stay focused on maintaining no contact 15

Aaah…but what if he gets in touch?! 19

Can’t we just be friends? 21

Processing your feelings for him 23

How to get over a breakup 25

Final words: Yes you may fall off the wagon but jump right back on it 27

© 2008 Naughty Girl Media for Baggage Reclaim 2

The Ten Commandments of Breaking Up

1. Thou shalt not call him.

Yep, there is a reason why you guys broke up and what a lot of people make
the mistake of doing is breaking up and then entering into a 'friend' dialogue.
Guys are very keen to maintain some level of contact and pull out the friend
card in particular as it makes them feel like they aren't as much of an assclown
as they think you might think they are, but it also keeps a foothold in your life
that women often end up using to stop themselves from moving on.
Whatever reason you believe is a good idea to call, whether you think
he'll change his mind if he hears from you or that you'll feel good, it's not a
reason to call. The initial surge of hope you feel will be replaced by a slump,
which will take you to a lower place mentally than you were before you made
the call. If you need to get something from him, get someone else to sort it out
for you.

2. Thou shalt remain mature.

Cutting up his possessions may help you take out your revenge but you'll
probably find your ass in court. Don't be petty, don't let your friends be petty
on your behalf with your interests at heart, and don't get gangsta. Revenge
may feel like a dish best served cold but it's better to leave it off the menu all
together. Maintaining dignity and him knowing that you have moved on will
actually reward you better in the long run - let him regret the loss of someone
so great rather than have him thanking his lucky stars that he got shot of you...

3. Thou shalt not slip him some post break-up sex.

If sex was what was holding you both together in the first place, that's not a
good thing, and if it was that great he wouldn't have broken up with you. If
you think that breaking him off a piece will have him crawling back to you, it
won't. Sex is a temporary, albeit pleasurable remedy but you can't shag him
back into being your boyfriend. I've said it many a time before: Why buy the
cow when you can drink the milk for free?

© 2008 Naughty Girl Media for Baggage Reclaim 3

4. Thou shalt not email him. Or text him....
This may seem like a less scarier option than calling him but it's just
something else to make you feel like crap as you agonise over the tone of his
reply (that's IF he replies), the length of the reply or even how long it takes for
him to respond. Again, if you need to get something from him, like your
possessions, have a trusted friend collect them for you.

5. Thou shalt not accidentally on purpose keep on going to the

places that you know he goes to.
Trust me, the initial high you get when you see him is likely to be replaced by
paranoia, insecurity, and misery as you wonder what he's thinking or even
worse, what he's saying about you to his friends, or worrying about who that
woman is that he's speaking to. Even if you went there first, it's better just to
steer clear.

6. Thou shalt not cling to pathetic signs that you're getting back
together.
The horoscopes, the psychic, the hopefulness of friends and family who
actually don't know anything, magpies, and anything else that makes you
think you're on your way back to love will only lead to disappointment.

7. Thou shalt not hide away.

Trust me when I say that it is very likely that when you're lying around in your
PJ's, sobbing your heart out, stuffing your face/not eating, sitting by the
phone...he's not. I'm not suggesting that every last guy is cold, but when they
dump you, they don't tend to react like a lot of us women do to a break up. The
words 'short attention span' spring to mind, which means that even if it hurts,
he's unlikely to be locking himself away; he'll be living his life.

8. Thou shalt accept the break up as final.

Don't break up and spend your mental energies clinging to the hope that you
will be getting back together. You are not a yo-yo or a boomerang to be picked
up and discarded at will. Instead of clinging to hope and living your life with a
view to him making his way back into it, take it as final unless he comes back

© 2008 Naughty Girl Media for Baggage Reclaim 4

one day with a firm decision to want to get back together, and have the issues
that broke you up in the first place resolved, even if it means you need to pay a
therapist to help you out. And of course, by then you may not even want him...

9. Thou shalt not return his calls.

I always say that men are 75% water and the rest is ego. They NEED to think
that you want them, that you're pining for them, and that your whole life
revolves around waiting for him to dignify you with contact. They want to
move on but check that you're not, and they like to make sure that you haven't
moved on to the next guy, or rear their ugly head when they know you have
started to want someone else. I'm sure many of them are concerned to an
extent about how you are but a lot of it is about reassuring himself that he's
not an asshole.
A lot of men like to think only the best of themselves. Don't reply to his
inane emails either. If you worry about feeling like a cruel bitch, give yourself
license to avoid contact by telling him that for the sake of you both (it's all in
the wording) that it would be better if you don't have contact for a while (at
the bare minimum a month but ideally 3 months). People don't go from being
lovers to friends in a blink of an eye and these things take time so he'll just
have to suck it up.

10. Thou shalt recognise when he is behaving like a bastard.

One of the perturbing things about break ups is that even in the face of him
treating you like dirt at the time of the break up or after, some women just
won't take the hint. They blame themselves, they lose their self-esteem and
throw in their self-respect to date. Recognise that he is being an assclown and
lose your respect for him and keep your self-esteem intact. Believe it or not,
when men behave like this, they are doing you a MASSIVE favour by showing
you his real side. Trust me, if you take him back after he has treated you badly,
you are writing the script of your future.

© 2008 Naughty Girl Media for Baggage Reclaim 5

Introduction

What you’ve just read is my recommended course of action for breaking up in

general. Whilst you may think I’m harsh in some respects, I have found over
time through reading countless reader comments and emails that the harsh
reality is the best way, because people would not be looking for advice on how
to break up and move on if it was so easy to do in the first place.
Breaking up is about ending a relationship and what many people are
afraid of is actually breaking, letting go, and moving on. Breaking up is never
easy to do but whilst there are a number of factors that can make it difficult
like low self-esteem or the other party not respecting your wishes, most people
are unable to recognise that they have to suffer the short, possibly even
medium term pain to feel the long term gain.
If you’ve read any of my posts or my ebook Mr Unavailable and the
Fallback Girl, you will know that I am about accountability but most
importantly, taking back the control so that you can empower yourself to have
a healthier relationship with yourself, which in turn creates healthier
relationships with other people.
The trouble with many women is that because of the type of self-
involved, in desperate need of an ego massage, men that they engage with,
they have a lot of loose ends with various guys popping in and out of their lives
making them feel helpless and resigned to the situation.
Many readers are scared to break up, scared of dealing with him when
he gets back in touch, scared that maybe he’s going to change into something
amazing when they let him go, and scared that they may be alone and scared
to be ‘alone’.
Well, feel helpless and resigned no more because I have put together
the best of my posts on the No Contact Rule and Breaking Up from my blog
Baggage Reclaim.

This is your no holds barred guide to telling that guy to take a run
and jump without actually having to utter the words.

© 2008 Naughty Girl Media for Baggage Reclaim 6

Learn how to break up with men that don’t want to break and let you go so
that you can live a better life and be a person with higher self-esteem. This is
the quick guide to avoiding being a Fallback Girl, that woman the Mr
Unavailable relies or ‘falls back’ on to massage his ego and pander to his needs
whilst contributing little or nothing.

By the time you finish this ebook you will understand how to cut contact and
why this technique is needed. But remember, you need to accept that it is
going to hurt for a while but it will pass. Stop fearing the pain!

© 2008 Naughty Girl Media for Baggage Reclaim 7

The No Contact Rule defined

The No Contact Rule is a delicate balancing act between taking back control,
booting someone out of your life (even if they don’t know it) and not going
crazy. You apply the No Contact Rule (NCR) when you are in a relationship
that just won’t die a death even though it’s dead as a dodo, when a guy likes to
boomerang in and out of your life whenever it suits, and especially when you
keep flogging a dead horse and chasing the guy around even though he is
mistreating you.
The No Contact Rule is about closure and closing a door even when you
don’t get to have a ‘conversation’ or a big break up moment, and this is what
most women struggle with. You LOVE to have the conversation and you
NEED to have the break up moment because you think it’s what you need for
closure and you like wondering “What if?”

What if I play doormat a little bit more? Maybe he’ll finally see how great I am?

What if I expect nothing at all from him? Maybe he won’t feel so pressured.

What if I finish it with him and he then becomes The Ideal Man™ for the next
woman?

I’m going to say something that some of you will not want to hear:

With men that don't know their arses from their elbow, blow hot
and cold, and won't commit to either being with you or not being
with you, you have got to toughen up.

‘Conversations’ with a man that you’ve been going nowhere with, who has
been using you, sleeping with you when it suits, disappearing, coming back,
making promises, breaking promises, whatever, don’t make a blind bit of
difference. They just give you a reason to look for that one little eeeny weeny

© 2008 Naughty Girl Media for Baggage Reclaim 8

nugget of something to make you stay invested and give him a chance, just so
that he can turn around and do the same thing all over again!

Ladies, wise up, toughen up, smell the coffee, and take control
because you can’t control him and the way this dead end
relationship is going but you can control how YOU are affected by
being with him and you can get closure without him being the one
to close the door.

Why the hell do we need these men to close the door for closure?
WE can close the door and damn well slam it shut when they try to
push it back open.

And that is the barometer of how successful the NCR is – When they
attempt to open the door, there must be no response. The door must
be closed, not slightly ajar to hear whatever rinky, dinky, BS excuse he has.

© 2008 Naughty Girl Media for Baggage Reclaim 9

When to apply the No Contact Rule

No contact is a pretty harsh way to cut things off but it's increasingly needed
because of the type of dating habits that both men and women are adopting.
As women, we seem to love being with men that are disconnected and
unavailable for relationship duty, and who can't commit to being with us...and
can't commit to not being with us.

If you are experiencing any of the following, you need the No Contact Rule
(NCR) for your sanity, nevermind anything else:

You have no endings.

You have a number of ‘ex’ boyfriends that call you up to get nostalgic, get the
lowdown on whether you’ve moved on, and also to get busy with you. As a
result, you’re not technically finished with a lot of the men in your past.

Can’t break, won’t break.

When a man keeps popping back up in your life, despite having nothing more
to offer than when you dumped him (or he exited) and despite your insistence
to stay away, he does anything but.

You won't let go.

You're one of those women that hopes too much. You haven't cut the contact
because you think he's going to turn from a cockroach, into a frog, and then
eventually into a prince. You think you're chasing and holding out for a man
that's playing hard to get, when in actual fact, he's not trying to be caught...

When they pull The Friend Card.

Many men lack the balls to live with the feeling of knowing that they’ve
behaved badly, so they throw you The Friend Card so that they feel like less of
a sh*t than they really are. It is a gateway into your life and if you haven’t
gotten over him and broken the emotional tie, it sets you back and prevents
you from getting over him and moving on.

© 2008 Naughty Girl Media for Baggage Reclaim 10

You have exchanged the ‘girlfriend’ role for the booty call one.
Never take a demotion in the hope that it will enable you to get a promotion!

He blows hot and cold.

Blowing hot and cold is Mr Unavailable's (emotionally unavailable guys) way
of controlling the relationship, keeping you at a distance, and keeping you in
check, but when he blows hot, it’s not because he wants you, it’s just because
he’s balancing things out so that he can keep you on ice for a bit longer.

You have a low self-esteem, bad dating and relationship habits, and
are struggling to let go of old feelings.

Don’t use the No Contact Rule to:

Break off a relationship for the first time.

Do the decent thing woman! Unless the man is downright crazy or abusive,
the first time you guys finish, a bit of an explanation wouldn’t go astray!

End your marriage.

The NCR is not for marriages. Not only do you need to stay in touch for your
divorce, but it’s a pretty nasty way to end a relationship with someone you
were prepared to legally bind yourself to!
Playing games.
Ladies, ladies, LADIES! Stop playing games because it will backfire, you will
bite off more than you can chew, and you will falsely impact on the
relationship. Pulling the NCR to test if he’s interested is childish, plus, if he is
emotionally unavailable, he will blow hot…and then blow cold when he’s
comfy putting you right back to square one.

© 2008 Naughty Girl Media for Baggage Reclaim 11

Is the No Contact Rule permanent?

It is as permanent as you want it to be, but the golden rule is that you can only
restart or accept contact when you are completely over him and have moved
on. I suggest making it permanent for men that add little value to your life.
There is no point in keeping contact for ego’s sake, as it will be mostly his ego
that gets massaged.
At the bare minimum, the no contact rule should be enforced for two to
three months. For men that tend to disappear and then reappear when it suits,
take the longest period of time that they've ever disappeared for and add a
month.
Think of it like giving up smoking - It'll hurt in the short-term and
you'll be tempted to light up a few times in the first few weeks, but after a
while, you feel better than you expected and time is disappearing.
You need to move on and let go! If you had to do the NCR in the first
place, it’s in recognition of the fact that he didn’t treat you well, he didn’t
respect your previous wishes to leave you alone to get on with your life, and he
didn’t respect your wishes when you said “I’ll call you, don’t call me”. Now
why would you want to be friends with someone who can’t follow basic
instructions but still expected to slip back into your life when it suited, and
hope that you’d break him off a piece?

© 2008 Naughty Girl Media for Baggage Reclaim 12

The No Contact Rule Do’s and Don’ts

No calling, emailing, faxing, message in a bottle, texting,

communication by osmosis, Morse code, or anything.
No contact means no contact. It is that simple. Sit on your hands, tape your
dialing fingers together, reward yourself for getting to milestones but do not
contact him.

Do not allow any of the following things to break the NCR:

You’re hormonal.
You’re horny.
You’re drunk.
You’re lonely.
You’re nostalgic.
You’re weak.
You have an emergency.
You’re out of another break up with someone else and seeking comfort.

If you react to any of these booby traps, you will not only end up regretting it,
but you will have to start the whole process all over again, whilst he sits there
thinking “ah, so she does still want me. Mmm, yeah I still don’t wanna be with
her though...’.

No contacting him via your friends.

Instruct all that know you both not to come to you with any information about
him, unless he has ‘the clap’ or some other such STD that affects your health.
You need to move on and forget about him, not be hearing out of context
information where people make more out of something than actually exists.

No sex. No quick fumbles, slippery snogs, one last shag for old
times sake, or any bodily contact. Ever.

Get rid of his contact details.

© 2008 Naughty Girl Media for Baggage Reclaim 13

I’ll let you keep his number for three months and that is only so that you know
it is him if he decides to call and you’ll know not to answer. Otherwise wipe
out all information you have on him because no contact means you are
breaking up and closing the door on that chapter in your life.

© 2008 Naughty Girl Media for Baggage Reclaim 14

Staying focused on maintaining no contact

The No Contact Rule means that you have to go cold turkey but you put
yourself in the driving seat, create your own closure, and you start to control
the relationship that you have perceived as uncontrollable. It is an exit
strategy and trust me, you will use the No Contact Rule if you truly want to
exit a poor relationship and want to get back your sense of self.
I won’t lie to you ladies; initiating and maintaining the No Contact Rule
is hard. You need to grow balls of steel to support your willpower
and be prepared to suffer the short-term pain for the medium and
long-term gain.
The NCR is about putting yourself first and you need to do it because
you’ve allowed his needs and inability to give you what you need and want to
be placed at the centre of your universe.
Do not bother with the NCR if you are hoping to get back together with
him because you are clearly not ready to cut the contact and make a run for it.

So how do you ensure that you ‘break’ and move on?

Challenge yourself not to think about him.

Day one, each time you think of him, mark it down on a sheet of paper in your
diary or something. Total it up and the next day, aim to do less. Or if you’re
really hung up it might be better to do it by week. Target yourself to reduce it
down each day/week. The trick is that if you are focusing on you and feeling in
a better place emotionally, you won’t be thinking about this joke of a man.
Set yourself a challenge. I have practically had to sit on my hands in the
past to get to the end of the first week, but once I did it, it became a challenge
to get to the end of week two and so forth. I rewarded myself along the way
and when I got to three months, my shoe cupboard had a new arrival….

Keep a journal
Ashley, a reader suggests “I handled my NCR recently by going a minimum of
60 days of “no contact” and I kept a log/journal that also incorporated some
goal setting too. What that did for me was help me focus on things other than

© 2008 Naughty Girl Media for Baggage Reclaim 15

not being in contact with my ex and it also helped me express the emotions I
was feeling about it. It was interesting to be able to look back and see my
progress into a stronger person that felt better about myself (and indifferent
about him).”

Put on your favourite feel good, independent woman song, turn the
music up loud, and verbally vent out your frustration.
Sounds crazy but it’s great for releasing pent up emotions and you start to get
a sense of humour about the whole thing. Oh and your neighbours can’t hear
you talking to yourself. If you’re crazy like me, you’ll do a little dance too.
‘Since You’ve Been Gone’ by Kelly Clarkson is a great one but I’ve done it to
‘Proud Mary’ by Tina Turner too!

Write ‘Don’t call {insert name}’ on a Post-It and stick it to your

phone, mirror, and anywhere else that helps you visualise.
Or write it in lipstick on your mirror. I know of people who literally littered
their homes with messages and it works.

Some people need reminders of the ‘Big Whoppers’ – the horrible

things that he did. Type up the short form of each offence and print it out in
a decent sized font. For eg. ‘Stood me up six times’;’He has never delivered on
any of his promises’;’He’s a selfish, inconsiderate, crap lover’ or for those of us
with a killer vengeance ‘His dick wasn’t that big anyway!’ Then stick it up
somewhere that you can see them. Or create a screen saver….

Another reader, NY Sharon suggests “On a small card, write a brief snapshot
list of memory triggers for you on the worse things he did or a mind imprint
of something hurtful he said. These should be the ones that evoke the most
terrible emotions from you. Keep this list in your purse and copies in other
places for easy access.”

Clear out everything that is associated with him.

It might not be much, especially if he is the atypical type of Mr Unavailable,
but put away the photos, give away his stuff to charity, or just plain old put it

© 2008 Naughty Girl Media for Baggage Reclaim 16

in the bin. If you are going to return it, do it at the beginning of the NC period
and ideally do it by post or just leave it on his doorstep in a box.

Take a break from dating.

Dating Hiatuses enable you to reconnect with yourself but they also prevent
you from knee-jerking into another dubious relationship, they give you time to
heal, and most importantly, when things go wrong, you don’t get nostalgic for
the guy you are having NC with and end up calling him, or at worst shagging
him.

Be careful with alcohol.

If you’re the type that calls up your exes when you’ve had a few vinos, it’s
probably best to cut back until you have gotten over the urge.

Block him on instant messenger services, block his email, and as one reader
suggested, change his name on your phone to “Assclown”. Whatever you call
him, don’t answer and as another reader suggested, “If he catches you on the
phone or at work…say you’re too busy to talk, I have nothing to say and hang
up.”

Eventually you will need to bite the bullet and delete his number.

Screen calls that you don’t recognise the number of or that come
up unlisted.

Do tell close friends and family that you no longer bother with him
so that they won’t bring him up unnecessarily.
NYSharon also suggests getting a sponsor, which can be that one person that
you can rely on to sanity check things, who you can call up or meet up with
when you feel weak.

Use the time to reconnect with other aspects of your life – friends,
family, hobbies, work. When we are messed around by men, something always
gets sidelined so use the opportunity to get things back on track.

© 2008 Naughty Girl Media for Baggage Reclaim 17

Write a letter to him…but don’t post it.
Don’t type, write! This is the opportunity to write a Dear John letter
explaining why you are doing the NCR and how you feel as a result of being
with him. End the letter positively by saying what you can be and do for
yourself now that he is out of your life. This letter is your opportunity for
closure but you can also keep it as a reminder of how he has made you feel. If
it helps, list everything he has done to hurt and disappoint you. Read it back
to yourself a few times. When the time is right, burn the letter. This is the
opportunity to cleanse yourself of negative feelings about him…or at least
begin the process.

But most importantly, no matter how much he begs, no matter how much he
pleads, never feed him after midnight. Just joking! But no matter what,
cut the contact. The No Contact Rule is not about finding out what someone
will do when they lose their narcissistic fill of attention and panic. It shouldn’t
matter what he says or does because you want him out of your life, regardless.
He has nothing to offer you and you have so much more to offer to yourself.

The litmus test of the No Contact Rule is that over time you realise
that you feel so much better without him in your life.

© 2008 Naughty Girl Media for Baggage Reclaim 18

Aaah…but what if he gets in touch?!

If you are dealing with the a-typical guy that needs to have the NCR applied to
him, it is highly likely that he will attempt to make contact with you. It may
not be today, it may not be tomorrow, it may not even be soon…but he is likely
to try to make contact just when you are starting to forget who the hell he is.
It’s like he has a built-in homing device which senses when you’re ready to
move on or feeling vulnerable.
Many women make the mistake of expending a lot of brainpower
thinking about when and if he’ll get in touch and then pondering their
response. This is more energy than he deserves and you are still making him
the focal point of your life despite the fact that he’s technically no longer in it.
It’s actually hell of a lot easier to start getting over him when you stop
thinking about the what if’s. When you break, you break. If you accept that it
is possible that he’s going to attempt to make contact but also stay focused on
your own needs, it won’t matter because the whole idea of NCR is about
putting yourself in the driving seat and taking back control.

Just because he may attempt to make contact doesn’t mean that you have to
give him what he wants.

Just because he calls or emails/texts, doesn’t mean that you have to answer or
reply.

Just because he turns up on your doorstep, it doesn’t mean that you can’t turn
him away instead of letting him in.

Always remember that he is not getting back in touch because you are
destined to be together in loves young dream. This is his way of testing to
see if the door is still open. Often all they need is acknowledgement from
you before they scuttle off which will force you to go back through the
emotional process of letting him go all over again.

© 2008 Naughty Girl Media for Baggage Reclaim 19

How many times have you heard the story of the woman who was doing fine
till he got back in touch? They chatted, he made all of the right noises, her
heart and her spirits lifted, he said he would call, she didn’t hear from him.

Always remember why you started the NCR in the first place – you want to
break up and stay broken up! It doesn’t matter what he says or does, these are
all attempts to break your resolve and restart the cycle.

© 2008 Naughty Girl Media for Baggage Reclaim 20

Can’t we just be friends?

It’s not long after the words have been uttered that render your relationship
over that some form of request for friendship will be made. It’s almost as if we
have all received some sort of relationship training that makes people the
world over trot out the words as a form of consolation that hopefully dilutes
the strained discussion and makes you look a little better person in their eyes.
It’s like “Hey. I know I’m done screwing with you, but what the hell? Let’s be
friends because I’ll feel like less of a prick if you say yes…”

Truth be told, most people don’t really mean it when they say that
they want to stay friends. It’s just the polite thing to say.

Hell I’ve said it to almost all of my exes and lo and behold, I don’t keep in
touch with any of them and I haven’t sought to add them as a friend on
Facebook! Not only is it very difficult to go from holding hands to platonic
friends, but you don’t do it as a follow-on from a break-up. In order to break
up, there needs to be a BREAK. There needs to be distance and time to allow
each person to heal and move on. This time can’t be spent playing best mates
with one of you acting like you feel less than you do.

The only people that can be friends after having a relationship are
those that feel nothing romantically for each other, are no longer
emotionally invested, and there has been a healthy distance
between you to allow you both to move on.

‘Friendship’ after breaking up is not for those who are hoping that he’ll skip on
round to their place and give them a bit of sex from time to time. It’s not for
those who are hoping that if they lurk around long enough that he’ll see how
wonderful they are and what a mistake they made and beg on their hands and
knees to be taken back. However the offer of ‘friendship’ is often put to bad
uses, after all, friends aren’t supposed to harm you, are they?

© 2008 Naughty Girl Media for Baggage Reclaim 21

Be careful when your man asks you to be friends after breaking up
because for many of them, it is their way of massaging their ego so
that they feel like less of a prick, and it also keeps their foot in your
life.

By allowing him to peek into your life whilst he continues on with his, you
don’t actually get the chance to move on and subconsciously you’re heart and
mind will be shut off to other opportunities out there. It’s a thin line between
professed friendship and becoming their booty call, and once you slip down
this slipperly ‘slope’, it’s very difficult to crawl back up. They’re getting the
fringe benefits without having to put in any relationship work and
it harks back to “Why buy the cow when he can drink the milk for
free?”
These guys are like dogs in mangers….they don’t want you, but they
don’t want anyone else to want you either. You’re like that toy that they’ve got
bored with that they’ve put back in the toybox. As soon as someone comes
along to play with it, you look like an attractive toy again and they start
making noises about “It’s my toy..”. Of course the attraction wears off and you
get chucked back in the toybox again, except this time it hurts more than it did
the last time. Real ‘friends’ don’t ask you for sex or come on to you so the
moment that you hear him utter these words, let the internal alarm bells ring
and make a run for it.
The type of guy who genuinely wants to be your friend
despite the fact that your relationship is over, is the type that will
respect your wish for space and no contact. They are the crucial things
that are needed after breaking up. Let ideally 6 months or a year go by and get
on with your life and let him get on with his. You never know…that time may
pass and you may realise that you have nothing in common and no desire to
reconnect…or it could be the start of a good friendship where neither of you is
emotionally invested. The point is that you get to choose what happens from a
healthier place instead of being railroaded into something that makes their
ego feel much better.

© 2008 Naughty Girl Media for Baggage Reclaim 22

Processing your feelings for him

The angst you’re experiencing is not unusual. If you’re with a man that won’t
break up even though he has nothing to give, you’re with an emotionally
unavailable man, Mr Unavailable, and even though they are responsible for
the source of much of your angst, on the same level they appear to be the
source of your highs, even if they are fleeting.
When you start feeling nostalgic about him and your ‘relationship’,
much like childbirth, you seem to have distanced yourself from the agony and
ambiguity of being with him and now you are to an extent romantacising the
connection that you think you have with him and thinking about how it could
be if he was X, Y, and Z. In childbirth, forgetting the pain is perfectly fine as
you have something wonderful to reward you at the end of it and you can go
through it again. With Mr Unavailable's though, you'd do well to get real and
stop throwing yourself into harms way.

The only way you can process your feelings is by 1) being real and
staying real about who he is and 2) getting real with yourself.

Your feelings for him are tied in your lack of feelings for yourself.

You would not invest so much time and emotion in an emotionally

unavailable man if your self-esteem were better.

If you want a man that accepts responsibility for his actions, is thoughtful,
doesn't talk about his needs, his problems, his feelings, his world, his
everything, and is present and accountable for the relationship, you are
barking up the wrong tree by clinging to him and your ‘relationship’.

You want to know how to remember him?

Take everything you think you know and feel about him.

Remove the potential that you believe he could have.

© 2008 Naughty Girl Media for Baggage Reclaim 23

Remember him how he has been for the majority of the ‘relationship’.

Take out the happy stuff and put it aside for a later date when you don’t give a
monkey’s about him anymore.

Remind yourself of everything that he has failed to deliver and how you have
felt about yourself, love, and relationships during that time.

This is how you remember him – as someone who is incapable of being what
you want him to be, giving you what you what you want him to give, and
saying what you want him to say. Remember him as the guy who you are
sidelining your own feelings and desires for. If need be, remember his as an
assclown, but whatever you do, just remember to get real and stay real.

I'm not asking you to hate the guy. I'm asking you to get real about his
behaviour and what that means to you and the possibility of a relationship,
and use that information to move forward. He's shown and told you all that
you need to know. Let go. That is what closure is about. Accept the short term
pain because it does pass. Drop this guy out of your life because if you don't,
you will always be in limbo and you won't get proper closure.

© 2008 Naughty Girl Media for Baggage Reclaim 24

How to get over a break-up

Be more social.
It may feel like you're having your teeth pulled without anaesthetic but doing
stuff that has you interracting with other people will help you to resume a
normal life balance. It's great for opening up opportunities for new
friendships and may even benefit your work.

Learn from the break up.

OK so you broke up, but it will be worse if you don't take the positives from it,
and most importantly, learn from the negatives. There is nothing worse than
dragging your bad love habits with you wherever you go because you will end
up with the same result every time until you learn from your mistakes.

Don't punish your next partner.

Treat each partner on an individual basis. If you're learning from your
mistakes this means that you should be able to judge the relationship on its
own merit. Don't allow paranoia from the past to enter the present. Often for
instance, Nice Guys end up having to clean up after their partners penchant
for Bad Boys. If you live in the past too much though, you aren't ready to be in
another relationship.

Get rid of the memories.

Do your mourning and then pack up their stuff that you still have around your
place and return it to them. Put away the photos, get rid of anything that
keeps you in the past.

No Booty Calls With The Ex.

You broke up for a reason and becoming a casual lay with them is a recipe for
disaster. Do not make the mistake of falling into this trap - it very rarely ends
well.

© 2008 Naughty Girl Media for Baggage Reclaim 25

Hang with other singles.
It's bloody good fun and there are people that can relate to what you're going
through. You can also see how they are getting on with their lives and most
importantly, party it up with them!

Don't turn into a broken record.

Of course you want to talk about it, but if it's still you're number one subject
after 3 months, it's time to zip it and talk about something else.

Take a holiday/vacation or a weekend break.

They're great for recharging your batteries and can also give you some time to
think and find closure in a different setting.

© 2008 Naughty Girl Media for Baggage Reclaim 26

Final words: Yes you may fall off the wagon but
jump right back on it

Like I said at the beginning of this ebook, the No Contact Rule and breaking
up in general is not easy to do and you may find that you initiate the NCR and
find yourself drunk dialling, or accepting his call or invitation out of curiosity.
It doesn’t matter what it is that breaks your NCR, just as long as you get back
on the wagon and keep going. It may set you back a little but it is likely to
strengthen your resolve.

Always remember that these men will test the door to see if it is open, not
because they want to ‘come in’ for good and be in a bonafide relationship with
you, but just to see if the door works. Eventually they do move on and run out
of steam. The key is for you to keep on moving on – after a while, you’ll forget
that this assclown exists!

You can do it!

Good luck!

NML x

NML is the editor of Baggage Reclaim, the dating and relationship blog that
empowers you to offload your emotional baggage so that you can get happy
and engage in healthier relationships.

Visit Baggage Reclaim: http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk

Check out comments about the NCR:

http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/breaking-up-and-moving-on-by-cutting-
contact-part-1/

© 2008 Naughty Girl Media for Baggage Reclaim 27

Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl: Book One ebook by NML is now
available to buy and download. This is the no holds barred guide to
emotionally unavailable men and the women that love them.

Find out more: http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/mr-unavailable-and-the-

fallback-girl-book-one/

If you need advice, have any questions, or would like suggest an article, please
email me at [email protected]

© 2008 Naughty Girl Media for Baggage Reclaim 28