Essay Example

NAME: Laura Stadele
DATE: February 26, 2016
Breaking Barriers Essay Outline

What barrier did you overcome?
Moving from Nederland CO to Fort Collins CO.
What value(s) helped you overcome this barrier? (Jackie
Robinsons 9 Values: citizenship, commitment, courage,
determination, excellence, integrity, justice, persistence,
and teamwork)
The values that helped me to overcome this barrier are: courage,
determination and persistence.
Introduction:
Hook: I always imagined that leaving Nederland would be the
best day of my life, but boy was I wrong.
What is the Who, What, When, Where and Why of your
story?
Who: me, my parents, my roommate Brienna

What: moving into the dorms at CSU
When: Freshman year of college, August 2012.
Where: Fort Collins CO
Why: I was just starting college and had to move
Paragraph 1: Beginning of the story

How does your story start?
I want to start my story by telling the audience how I ended up in
Fort Collins.
Details:
1. Living in small-town Nederland and wanting to escape
2. Applying for college; WSU and CSU
3. Deciding to go to CSU because of moms cancer

Paragraph 2: Middle of the story
What things were happening in the middle of this event?
In this section of the story I will highlight exactly how difficult it
was for me to live in Fort Collins, and why it was so difficult.
Details:
1. The first week of college classes
2. Calling home to my parents every single night begging
them to let me come home
3. Dealing with my heightened anxiety levels 24/7
Paragraph 3: End of the story
How does your story end?
In the end of my story I want to talk about how I overcame my
anxiety and started to really like living in Fort Collins.
Details:
1. How I began to make more friends on Campus
2. How I started to really enjoy my classes and feel safe/at
home on campus
3. How I dealt with my anxiety and found ways to overcome it
Conclusion:
What did you learn from this experience? How has it
helped you as a person? (Restate what barrier you had to
overcome, how you did it, and how it changed you)
From this experience I have learned a lot about myself. I have had
to have the courage, determination and persistence to work
through my anxiety and become comfortable in a situation where
I at first felt so lost. I have also had to learn more about myself
and how capable I am at living on my own and being comfortable
with the environment that I am in.
Name: Laura Stadele

Grade: 7th Grade
Teachers Name: Rebecca Hauser
School Name: Blevins Middle School
School City and State: Fort Collins, CO
I always imagined that leaving Nederland would be the best day of my life, but boy was I
wrong. Making the move from small-town Ned to fast-paced Fort Collins changed my life in
ways that I could not have anticipated, and I had to adjust fast. But eventually, through a lot of
determination, courage and persistence I was able to learn that Fort Collins wasnt such a bad
place.
It was fate that landed me in Fort Collins. Throughout High School I had planned on
moving as far away as possible from Nederland so I could escape the people that I had been
chained to since Kindergarten, and I was not the only one planning on leaving. All of my peers
wanted out too. We had been stuck together in the same environment our entire lives. So, when it
came time to apply for college, most of us applied to places as far away as possible. My friend
Mark applied to a university in Alaska, my friend Dyani applied to the University of Boston, and
I applied to Washington State University. As a back-up, I applied to Colorado State University,
but I never thought Id end up there, that is until my mom got sick again.
In my senior year of high school, my mom was re-diagnosed with cancer. Her breast
cancer had been in remission for eight years, so no one in my family could have ever imagined
shed get sick again, but we were wrong. Her cancer came back stronger than ever, but this time
it was in her liver. The doctors told us that she didnt have much time left on this earth, and I
started panicking. Even though I had been planning since junior year to go to WSU, everything
changed when I heard my mom was sick. I immediately declined my acceptance into WSU and
instead took my acceptance into CSU, because at least if I was in Fort Collins Id be a little
closer to home.
When it came time for me to move into the dorms at Colorado State University, I was a
mess. My mom and dad had helped me pack up everything in my room and we had hauled it all
down to campus in our old-fashioned station wagon and twenty-year old van. We spent time unpacking, going to get some food, meeting my new roommate, and just hanging out, but I started
to realize that I didnt want my parents to leave. My panic induced nausea began picking up and
my anxiety kicked into high gear, I started crying.
Dont leave me here! I want to go back home! I sobbed,
Oh Laura, you can come home anytime you want, dont be silly, my mom coaxed,
But, I want to be with you, I need to help you!
No honey you dont! I have your father, you need to focus on school right now!
But, mooooommmmmmmm, I wailed,
Laura, relax. You are going to be okay. Call us every day okay? my mom hugged me,
Okay I managed to squeeze out.
Then my parents left. The weight of them leaving took its toll on me and I sat quietly on
my bed for what felt like hours. When my new roommate returned it was late and I pretended to
be asleep. I didnt want her to think I was a wimp for being so sad about something that should
have been exciting.
Conclusion before revision:

In conclusion, getting through this was really hard. It was almost as hard as that time that
I broke my tailbone, but in different ways. Moving from Nederland to Fort Collins taught me a
lot about myself and how I handle tough situations, but because of this I now have more courage,
determination, and persistence than ever before.
Is this authors conclusion successful? Why or why not?
I do not think that this authors conclusion was very successful. Although she is mentioning what
she learned by breaking her barrier, and restating the values that helped her to get through this
tough time, she does not do it in a very good way. First, you should never start a conclusion with,
In conclusion, it just sounds weird compared to the rest of your essay. Then, in the second
sentence you mention a time when you broke your tailbone, but what does this have to do with
the whole story that you just told? It seems out of place and I would completely take that
sentence out. Lastly, I think you should find a way to break up your last sentence and really tell
the audience exactly what you have learned about yourself, exactly how you have changed, and
then slyly add in near the end that you learned these things through the use of courage,
determination and persistence.
Possible Conclusions after revision:
1)
Moving from my hometown was one of the hardest things Ive ever had to do, however,
it taught me a lot about myself. I went from being an anxious mess to being cool, confident and
relaxed. I refused to give up, even if I wanted to, and through courage, determination and
persistence I was able to adjust to my new environment; I was able to defeat my inner demons.
2)
I always thought I was prepared to leave my home, Nederland, but nothing could have
prepared me for how I actually felt when I moved. Paralyzed with fear, anxiety and sorrow, I
struggled to adjust in my new environment. Every day was a nightmare and I felt like I couldnt
wake up. But, with time and a lot of courage, determination and persistence, I began to find
things that I loved about this new city, things that began to make this city feel like home.

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NAME: Laura Stadele

DATE: February 26, 2016

Breaking Barriers Essay Outline

Who: me, my parents, my roommate Brienna

Paragraph 1: Beginning of the story

3. Deciding to go to CSU because of moms cancer

Name: Laura Stadele

Conclusion before revision:

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