I went to see my doctor... Doctor Vidi-boom-ba. Yeah...I told him once, "Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror I feel like throwing up. What's wrong with me?" He said, "I don't know, but your eyesight is perfect."
My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.
When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother.
I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.
You know you're ugly when you go to the proctologist and he sticks his finger in your mouth.
Guy goes into a bar with a duck under his arm. Bartender says, "Where'd you get the pig?" Guy says, "This is a duck." Bartender says, "I was talking to the duck."
I asked my wife, 'On a scale of 1 to 10, how do you rate me as a lover?' She said, 'You know I'm no good at fractions.'
A homeless guy came up to me on the street, said he hadn't eaten in four days. I told him, "Man, I wish I had your willpower.
I told my kids, "Someday, you'll have kids of your own." One of them said, "So will you."
I tell ya, I knew my morning wasn't going right. When I put on my shirt the button fell off, when I picked up my briefcase, the handle fell off, I tell ya, I was afraid to go to the bathroom.
I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet.
I told my wife a man is like wine, he gets better with age. She locked me in the cellar.
Last week I told my wife, If you would learn to cook, I could fire the chef. She said, If you could learn to make love, I could fire the chauffer.
I've never been lucky. The day my ship came in, I was at the airport.
With my doctor, I don't get no respect. I told him I want a vasectomy. He said with a face like mine, I don't need one.
My doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror.
Everyone says that looks don't matter, age doesn't matter, money doesn't matter. But i never met a girl yet who has fallen in love with an old ugly man who's broke.
My son's an idiot. His teacher asked him to spell Mississippi. He asked which one? The river or the state?
A girl phoned me the other day and said... 'Come on over, there's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home.
I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning.
We learned sexual technique from our dog. He taught how to beg, and he taught my wife how to roll over and play dead.
I can't figure women out. They put on makeup for three hours. They wear things that make them smaller. Things that make them bigger. Then they meet a man and they want truth.
I got myself good this morning too. I did my pushups in the nude, I didn't see the mouse trap.
My wife has to be the worst cook. In my house, we pray after we eat.
Follow AzQuotes on Facebook, Twitter and Google+. Every day we present the best quotes! Improve yourself, find your inspiration, share with friends
or simply: