The Vehicle, Fall 1994

Eastern Illinois University The Keep The Vehicle Student Theses & Publications Fall 1994 The Vehicle, Fall 1994 Jennifer Moro Heather Anne Winters Nicole Moon Matt Parks Keith Spear See next page for additional authors Follow this and additional works at: https://thekeep.eiu.edu/vehicle Recommended Citation Moro, Jennifer; Winters, Heather Anne; Moon, Nicole; Parks, Matt; Spear, Keith; Langen, Scott; Nelson, Matthew J.; Britt, Martin Paul; Lair, Michael; Howard, Walt; Olsen, Kellie J.; Surman, Jennifer; Songer, Sue; Quiriconi, Kris; Porter, Mark; McNeill, J. Dylan; Bein, Steve; and Levek, Bryan, "The Vehicle, Fall 1994" (1994). The Vehicle. 64. https://thekeep.eiu.edu/vehicle/64 This Book is brought to you for free and open access by the Student Theses & Publications at The Keep. It has been accepted for inclusion in The Vehicle by an authorized administrator of The Keep. For more information, please contact [email protected]. Authors Jennifer Moro, Heather Anne Winters, Nicole Moon, Matt Parks, Keith Spear, Scott Langen, Matthew J. Nelson, Martin Paul Britt, Michael Lair, Walt Howard, Kellie J. Olsen, Jennifer Surman, Sue Songer, Kris Quiriconi, Mark Porter, J. Dylan McNeill, Steve Bein, and Bryan Levek This book is available at The Keep: https://thekeep.eiu.edu/vehicle/64 Archives LH 1 .V4x 1994 Fall Produced by Sigma Tau Delta Honorary English Organization EASTERN ILLINOIS UNIVERSITY Poetry Noah's Wife Jennifer Moro ................................ 8-9 The Intensity of a Breath Heather Anne Winters . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 10-11 When I Was Rain Nicole Moon . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 1 I Wreckage at Low Tide, After a Stonn On Cape Fear Matt Parks ................................ 12-14 two below Keith Spear . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 15 a couple of new years revelers Keith Spear . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 16 Heat Scott Langen . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 17 Plastic Shard Words Matthew J. Nelson ............................. 18 Mr. Snowplow Man Martin Paul Britt .............................. 19 Carpe Diem Michael Lair . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 19 untitled Walt Howard ................................. 20 The Game Kellie J. Olsen ................................ 21 AT PEACE Jennifer Surman .............................. 22 Sawdust Sue Songer . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .. 23 Photography Unbound Realities Kris Quiriconi . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . ... untitled Mark Porter ................................. untitled Mark Porter .............................. ·... untitled Mark Porter ................................. Prose 26 27 28 29 I am Here ... Remembering J. Dylan McNeill ........................... 32-34 Recognition Sue Songer ............................... 35-36 SACCADIC Steve Bein ................................ 37-40 The Bum Bryan Levek ............................... 41-45 46-48 Biographies ............................. Noah's Wife She deserves a name. Let's call her patron saint of dry land, mother of the mountain, wife to the rock. See her swirling in dust as she stands in the door, sweeping floors, or darning Noah's socks, while he's farming With the boys somewhere, building barns, herding flocks. What does she have, marooned on the cliffs, stranded after the flood? Her wash bucket, weaving loom, butter churn, broom, a nice little flower garden in the back yard, and those memories of the cubs and foals she tended two by two, lambs asleep on her lap, while giraffes necked in the yard, the stumbling fawn, the larks singing and coyotes howling at billy goats-she settled in their cage while water raged for forty days and forty nightsthen gone. Now she bends over pottery. lights a fire in the oven and waits for her man to come home, knoWing she is alone each day With nothing much to do, rooted to the earth by skirts that drag in mud, grounded in dirt Without a rain cloud in sight. So unhappy she spites her husband at a meal, and notice how unpleasant she looks cooking Noah's reverent dove for Sunday dinner, telling him it's pheasant. But she sleeps well, remembering herself captain of the arc, yes, even in dress, calming the crew, manning the helm while the vessel rolled, feeding the tigers and all her pets, cheering the passengers despite the gloom, while poor Noah hung his head out the port hole Window, sea-sick, waiting for signs of the storm to clear. She thinks it's unfair to wake in the morning Without the warning of thunder, that excitement. the whirl of water, back to being somebody's daughter and someone's wife. She misses her life before the geese abandoned her for winter; wolves slipped off to their lair; mice, scared left for the field, and cats avoid her. Oh, she prays, though. drops in the sand on her hands and knees, pleads -8- for a few drops. some drizzle, a store of hail, tidal wave, monsoon, hurricane, and keeps the boat in tip-top shape, just in case. Noah laughs and says she's off her rail, and, smiling, pats her on her tail, and drinks a beer. Poor woman. And what's her name anyway? Rain goddess, lady of beasts, shipwrecked with debris of husband never home, children never phone, God out of town, no good food in the fridge, and re-runs on tv. Even the seals swim away, gulls rise to flee, and if only she-that first to feel a stream flow fiercely past her cheeks, the salt stinging her eyes, she kneels, arms open to the spray, dreaming of her life, wishing it down, swallowed by the sea. -Jennifer Moro -9- The Intensity of a Breath Do you realize How you make me feel? What you do to me? You look at me, And my body grows hot, My heart begins to race, And my breath quickens. What is this control You have over me? I only want to Get inside of you. I want to feel you Inside of me And you to stay there . . . . . . A dark room There is no light. But I feel your presence. I hear your heartbeat, Beat .. . Beat .. . In time with mine. We are not touching, But your breath Brushes my neck Softly .. . Warmly .. . Gently .. . Like a summer wind Over an ocean THat churns and rises With the pull of your passion. My body grows heavy, And my mind Becomes drunk with excitement. My skin ripples With the longing for your touch. As my lip begins to moisten, My mouth becomes dry. Our heart Pounds .. . Pounds .. . And I softly whisper, -10- 'Touch me ... " A silence. A silence thicker Than the darkness Of the room. A silence that I feel on e v e r y part Of my body. Slowly .. . Softly .. . Your fingers caress My cheek Then, We breathe. -Heather Anne Winters When I Was Rain I was rain once and dropped upon my town like sand through a child's fingers. I slif along Piza street And along the leaves of grapevines, lingering. I touched the hands of Mary In her robes, blue and white knew the mums were hers. I dripped from window sills, smelled the lead paint, the tang of reubarb pies. I smeared the rouge on their cheeks as they walked, hair covered, down Piza street to St. James They wiped me away with their handkerchiefs, put me in their pockets-once, when I was rain. - Nicole Moon -11- Wreckage at Low Tide, After a Storm on Cape Fear I. We said goodbye yesterday morning, my wife and I. It was time to admit to ourselves that falling in love back then hadn't been enough to bond us together for the rest of our loves. I have never been good at letting go. I was awake all night last nightthere was a storm. At our dining-room table I sat looking through old photographs. remembering, like a magician who, his assistant having climbed into a magic cabinet, begins to thrust swords through her. I have never been good at letting go. II. Morning again: I walk along this beach again, sand cold and wet, air already hot and thick as brine, a blue plastic cup of orange juice and vodka in my hand. There was a storm last night. -12- The beach I walk upon has been ravaged, ·worn away by the sea-full moon tides and temporary rages have taken their toll. I stand for a moment, stupid, no safer than the sand, watching greasy black and green stripes of fat, rising tide. A flock of gulls flies overhead in tight formation ... a squadron of bombers in the still-grey sunrise. The waves roll in, impaling themselves on sharpened stumps, the remains of an ancient maritime forest long vanquished by the sea, rediscovered during the storm. I stand too long, sinking in the salty sand~ I've begun to disappear. Perhaps I should go to the house, empty though it is. I have never been good at letting go. A pelican's corpse, mummified by salt water, is slowly picked apart by sand crabs. I look away, trying to see beyond the horizon. The miasmic mixture of sea and sky reveals nothing. My eyes, myopic, · cannot reach beyond the waves. III. I stop again, the surf alive With wet, sucking sand. There, almost beneath my heel, a sand dollar, grey, dead, -13- and yet Alive-the Animal Christwith its five wounds, full of doves. I hesitate, for a moment unsure then bend and take it in my hand. taste it with my tongue. Turning back in the direction from which I came, deciding to give It another chance. I place it in my breast pocket . . . I have never been good at letting go. -Matt Parks -14- two below like brave bands of winter birds lovers recognize themselves in nature's extremes the ancient challenge to survive always there, yet rarely appreciated like and Indian arrowhead buried by a driveway we decide to go for a walk though it is two below zero arm in arm, wizards in white oz we take a ceremonial first step into the virgin drifts of the deep wood we slog up steep trails pioneered by a rabbit we cross snow packed and hazardous deer highways keeping the wind behind us we write in the margins of an open field feeling wild and smart red feathers on the trackless snow tell us a cooper's hawk has taken a cardinal on the wing thinking of a cabin and a comforter we gather the feathers and kiss through bandanas -Keith Spear -15- a couple of new years revelers at the party the kind of party With funny looking very intelligent looking poeple he introduced her as his fi:iend though they were in fact married and had been together a dozen years almost everyone a new face there symbolic on a new years afternoon? Witty and inciteful and polite guests among whom they mingled and separated like pairs of skaters performing the perimeter to permit a rousing rendezvous he thought of her as his friend and was proud of the modestly erotic neckline of her eloquent shyness they tended to return to one another like reflections in a pool still enough to reflect spirits as consistently yet spontaneously as the thoughts of tWins when it was time to leave they brought the spirit of the party With them coaxing it homeward like a new puppy named Oxygen talking still, lots in words, and lots directly through interlocking fingers though queen sized dimensions of flannel and down awaited their homecoming they went parking on new years in the car ·on a mud road - Keith Spear -16- Heat There are three in this heat. Compressed into a backyard we make red lines rise and air quiver. She is posed sphinx-like in a canvas chair sipping vodka smoking and silently purring her riddle-"What am I thinking?" He does not hear or see. He hovers diligently over a pyramid of coals in a grill. A tray of bloody meat waits at his side to be re-sacrificed in the name of togetherness. The third, invited by mistake, stuggles towards neutrality. Taut as a string between two tin cans, he tries to breathe but cannot. The air is too quick. He turns to the sun, stares, and says nothing. ,- Scott Langen -17- Plastic Shard Words Blood-lava flows heavy in my throat. Every time I talk to you. I gag hard on thick, bitter blood That won't stop. Plastic shard words keep jumping out of my mouth Cutting deeper With each syllable. Lava-blood sits warm in my stomach Rotting there. Grinding against the sides of my intestines Burning the flesh deep inside. The words pry open my mouth, Slit my throat With their jagged cruel points, Slattering the remains of my compassion for the world Onto the back of my teeth. Barely able to stomach My own conversation anymore I scream out in whispers, Because a shout would kill me. Drowning my body in magma-viscious hate. Wishing there was a way To stop the pain, I sit silent And cry liquid nitrogen tears That dry in furrowing, icy scars. Waiting for the plastic shard words To come. - Matthew J. Nelson -18- Mr. Snowplow Man I wonder at your ego; Pushing around Mother Nature, Reshaping her like some cold blooded Plastic surgeon on the rampage. You, sir, are a man who'd better expect More then the usual number Of bee stings in the summer. And do not wonder why, When hiking down your favorite Trail in the woods, roots Seem to leap the earth And grab your feet. Hey Pal, here's a little advice: Stay the hell inside during thunderstorms, 'Cause Mother Nature doesn't put up With your kind of shit for long. - Martin Paul Britt Carpe Diem I put my you th in my pocket To save for another day, But when I went to look for it I'd thrown the pants away. - Michael Lair -19- untitled the unltrahip twentysomethings outside the campus McDonalds are funny. they obviously have gone to great pains in making themselves look "alternative." ripped jeans and flannels, tattoos and hair violations. and exotic handmade jewelry from the mall. (Maybe an Amnesty International pin bought at last year's Lollapalooza.) their beat up unlaced shoes show off their clean white socks that were washed with new Ultra Tide mom bought them at the begtnning of the year. they are health conscious you know. probably vegetarians and being very careful to lock up their expensive mountain bikes while Marlboro lights dangle from their mouths ... - Walt Howard -20- The Game Listen! Would you listen to me for once bend your knees drop the glove to the ground quick feet and charge the ball o.k. dad What the hell are you doing?! you're throwing like a damn girl Didn't we already go over this full extension of your arm and snap your wrist on release sorry dad i'll try harder Would you get your mind in the game you're not thinking Dad Sometimes you act like you don't want to play But Dad Id ... Never mind We'll make a ballplayer out of you yet the smell of the dirt field the feel of winning . You'll love this game kid - Kellie J. Olsen -21- AT J;>EACE Our eagle, Once stong, independent, Now trapped by the cage of technology. Chained to a machine pumping air into her lung. Our eagle, Now unable to fly alone, to be free. Her wings roped at her sides, She stares, unseeing, at the crowd watching her. She silently screams, "Let me go, let me go!" We choose to untie her, Set her free. Fly Eagle, Fly! - Jennifer Surman -22- Sawdust How intricate the oak leaves Embroidered in beige satin Lining your coffin A solid oak coffin So fitting for you Who dutifully cut wood From the tractor I watch you select The tree that must fall One swift pull The blurry chain obeys You break through the bark And I smell the sawdust That's worth bundling up On a cold November Saturday To be with you And smell the sawdust In sharp morning air I smell it now As I feel the oak grain And study the hands That once gripped the Homelite - Sue Songer -23- Unbound Realities - Kris Quiriconi -26- Untitled 1 - Mark Porter -27- Untitled 2 - Mark Porter -28- Untitled 3 - Mark Porter -29- I am Here ... Remembering in memory of Jose Ruben Lopez 1969-1990 As I sit upon this jutting rQCk. the sun ts about to set above the black silhouette of mountains and I am afraid the journal I am writing in will slip away and fall into the dark and roaring river below. One bare tree appears to rise as the sun, cradled . between the mountains, falls. You and I enjoyed the View from the rock once three years ago. The valleyed Ozarks here are nothing like the flat fields of home . .I press the rustled pages of my journal down as the wind rushes to stir the crisp leaves about me. We gathered the remnants of the year's lessons Into our hands and flung them into the air, kicking them as they fell at our feet. That was the day, you remember, that we ran about the flat field across from the corner cemetery on the last day of school to toss our school papers Into the wind. And now I hold this journal tightly as I write. I clench to papers now, afraid to lose the memories. And remember how we used to walk shoulder to shoulder, you and I and the three others, after the football game. We wandered aimlessly through the dtmlY. lit streets and belted out melody after melody. The others didn't mind that you and I were a little out of tune. We shouted In the streets the songs "The Best of Times" and our favorite. "Don't Let It End." I am sure that the sleeping folks In their peaceful homes didn't mtnd hearing our a cappella tunes, for we brought to them their own precious memories of youth. "Doo-op didy doom-doom Da-dal" A bird's sonata echoes from across the ridge. I look up from my journal to hear the flutter of the bird's flight. You always had an ear for rhythm, artd I never did; I remember the hours you spent rapping your hands near your knee and your chest in attempt to teach qie your gift. "Brracka-te-chtngta! Brracka-te-ching-tal" You dfdn't feel that my heartng-lmpalrment was an obstacle, and you would often repeat yourself patiently as I questioned what was said... thank you for telling me about the sound of the creek the time we were here three years ago. -32- Now I have hearing-aids. and I can hear the creek below. We relied on each other. I helped you with your spelling and English and opened you to the world of good books and American culture. while you always told me when there was a bird calling In the distance and what it sounded like. I guess our friendship was odd to the others. You were a "Texan" with long hair and a lot of pride for your Hispanic heritage. You loved teaching me dirty Spanish colloquialisms such as "Dirty White Boy" and ... well, others. I didn't have anything as unique as your velvet painting of the Conquistador or as expressive as your own pencil sketchings. All that I could offer you was a taste of what It was like to live the American Dream. My father called you "Hurricane Lopez", after that famous Mexican boxer. You always smiled sheepishly when he called you that. However, we never had a fist-fight with each other; it would probably be a draw. We supported each other's juvenile vices: 1 would drive you home when you had too much to drink. and you would let me dip into your tin of tobacco for chew when 1 was broke. We were there for each other as we pined over our unrequited loves. I remember the melodramatic way you would say, "I had her right in the palm of my hand ... !" and you would overturn your cupped palm and let out a despairing moan. It Is difficult to describe how you did it so ... It seems futile to log it all: the ritualistic chewing contests, the drug experience we shared while camping, getting busted by Country Bob the Policeman of Tampico for curfew (he didn't like us "city boys" chasing the wholesome girls of the community). getting in a drunk stupor after chugging eleven glasses of water (we proved our point, you quickly vomited while I spent a long time watering bushes). Hell, we were to be the Best Man at each other's wedding-of course! I induce the memories knowing that I cannot live them all once again and my pen does not appease my yearning. We should have been more careful with our papers, our memories, for we didn't know that there would be a time when it would be difficult to share them. As we got older, we each had our own obstacles to overcome, and we wanted to be as real men and do it alone. We had somehow managed, however, to make a trip to the Ozarks: one last jaunt between best friends before we went our separate ways. I was to go to California to pursue my dream of performing for the movies, and you endeavored to graduate from the local community college (you would be the first of your family). You were going -33- to be a movie director and a professional musician. We swore that we were going to work together on a movie set. It was in the hills here that we found the perfect "shot". It comes back to me now as I feel the chill and see the sun set· ting. We followed the sound of the creek that only you could hear. We came upon the edge of the cliff to sit silently and watch. It was here that we reaffirmed our promise to each other: we swore that we will always be Best-of-Friends. We were like the one bare tree that stood firm amid the soft orange glow. We said nothing but to assure each other that we would remember this moment. We thought of beautiful sunsets that can be seen all over the world-but we knew that this sunset. in this place, was ours. It was our secret. And we would always have this sunset as a common memory in our old age ... We didn't know that my trips home from California would be few. We didn't know that it would be difficult to contact you before my return. We didn't know that my mother would call me with the news that a truck had killed you. Now I am here ... rememberlng. I hear the current below rushing fast. I see the silhouette of the single tree against the fiery sky. - J. Dylan McNeill -34- Recognition "Please excuse me," Robert said as he politely stood. "I really must go see about her." It was the first dinner party Robert and Ann had been to since their daughter's fatal misjudgment lost on a country blacktop road during a thunderstorm. The impact with the tree had demolished her red sports car. Their only child Laura lay within crumpled with a broken neck. The officer assured them that she never felt any pain. Forty hours later. Robert and Ann watched the machines go silent in the hospital room with lots of white coats surrounding her. Robert asked the waitress for directions to the ladies' room. He found Ann leaning against the dim lit hallway. gently sobbing. The speaker in the ceiling above was softly playing Vivaldi's "Four Seasons." "I cannot go back in there, Robert. Please don't ask me to go." "Ann, pull yourself together. Didn't we agree that it is time to get out again? I know it's hard, but you promised." "Yes, but not here. Not with them." "Honey. we barely know these people - some not at all. thought it would be easier that way." "Well, it's not. Didn't you see her?" "Who?" "Betty." "What about her?" "You didn't even notice." Ann began crytng again. "Call me a cab. I've got to get out of here." "Did she say something to upset you?" Ann pulled away and walked to the entryway. "Ann. you're putting me in an awkward position. You know we drove the Andersons here tonight. What will I say?" "Tell them anything you want. It's Betty... How could this happen?" After Robert phoned for a cab, he left Ann waiting at the front door. He casually approached the table and apologized that his wife had not been feeling well and felt she must go home. The conversation at the table became animated as time went on and the after dinner drinks further loosened the tongues. When it was Betty's turn to tell a funny story. Robert looked intently at her wondering why Ann was so upset by this woman she had never met. As she told the story. Robert focused upon her face and shuddered. When Betty's laughing eyes met his, the familiarity overwhelmed him. He couldn't take his eyes off of her. Betty became undone by this staring. "What is it, Robert. You look so pale." Robert demanded, "Where did you say you are from?" Before -35- Betty could answer, he intensified the question, "Where did you say you are from?" Betty replied in a frightened voice, "Springfield.'' "Oh, it's true, it's true. My poor Ann. Look at me. Look at me. Oh my dear, Laura, my dear, dear Laura.'' The Andersons took over, helping Robert to his car. And when they returned to the table, Betty was concluding the details of her recent eye operation. - Sue Songer -36- saccadic sac•cad*ic (sa kad' dik, se-), adj. characterized by discontinuous or sporadic movement; jerky, (<F saccade jerk+ -IC) The quivering eye of the moon danced along the wing's edge as the big bird built up acceleration, metal skin tightening against the increasing speed of the wind. All the bombers had a reflexive outer hull these days; their wing mass was too great a load for the aluminum to support at top speed unless it was allowed to flex a bit, so the whole shell was about two feet longer than the plane's skeleton, with an extra foot of skin on each wing as well. It made for a wrinkled look while the machine was on the tarmac, but when airborne it had the resemblance of a huge winged shark. This one was a B-240 Grand Albatross, a midrange light support bomber with a maximum payload somewhere In the neighborhood of I 000 warheads, and as its front tires left for the Alaskan skies, the pilots fell from the cockpit doors to the ground below. "Shit. Is that the one?" Major Stuart Tappen fumbled blindly for the decaf button behind him as he watched the plane's silhouette float above the purple mountain wall beyond the airstrip. It was gaining altitude fast. 'That's the one." The man in the command chair also watched as the only armed bomber on the air base pushed the altimeter's digits higher and faster. "Nice night" "Yeah. Beautiful. Tell that to the Joint Chiefs." "They ain't even outta bed yet. Nobody's gonna wake them up till the bombs start falling." Masters kicked his chair around and rolled his head toward the major, who had turned to confront the coffee machine directly. "Ooh. Even got the blues for this one." "Shut up, wise ass. Could be some pretty big brass coming by here tonight. You're out of creamer." "Next to the machine, in the bag. Dispenser's broken. What're you drinkin' that pisswater for, anyway? A man in your position, night like this, oughta be gettin' plenty a' caffeine. Put some sugar in that bad boy, man." "You watch your machines, Masters." Tappen dipped a spoon into the bag of artificial dairy while Masters spun back to his readouts. The Grand Albatross was only half an inch from the base of the doppler radar's sweeping green arm, but now barely visible on the Alaskan skyline. It was truly a majestic sight. the mountain range at night. a beautiful panorama from the windows of the air traffic control station, but for the commissioned crew of USAF air base in Verlegen, Alaska. it was as ordinary as their own reflection in the mirror. Vic Masters wasn't Air Force personnel; as a matter of fact, he was the only individual permitted into the control tower that was not an airman. He abused this power from time to time, for -37- though he was not permitted carry a sidearm, he was armed with the ability to refuse people. His solidarity never proved more than a harassment, but he did enjoy his petty torments of Major Tappen and the other top brass stationed here. Alaska had always been a home to him, but for the up and coming officer, this base was a wasteland, a desert where the water of promotion would surely never be found. Masters knew It and he relished It. But not tonight. Tonight, the SAC's Continental Advanced Defense Intelligent Computer had sent each and every one of Verlegen's planes skyward, and Master's didn't know why. SACCADIC was, In Master's opinion, America's greatest technological fumble since the Titanic, and this was the best evidence of It yet. The killsat fiasco was bad enough. but that happened over the middle of the Indian Ocean, where nobody got hurt. Beyond Air Force Intel. there weren't even a hundred people that caught Wind of it. They, plus the Bangladeshi's that saw those red lightning bolts drop from the sky and explode on water like so many little Hlroshlmas, were the only ones who knew about the killsat and lived. But now there were three dozen U.S. warplanes flying from the Irkustan airspace, and the pencil dot just slipping from sight was armed with eight hundred anti-civilian "dirty bombs." Premiere Zhlrinovski didn't need much of an excuse to start retaliation, and SACCADIC had given him one. The trail of phosphors on the doppler's screen was looking more and more like a wave, but it hadn't yet left the range of MAster's scopes. Good, he thought. Better that I can see them. At least when the Russian states retaliate. I'll be able to see why. He looked over his command console one more time. then turned back to Tappen. "Not much I can do, Cap. The suck-a-dick's pretty well got us all tied up." That's the Major. And why do you blame all this on that damn computer? Okay, this one ... yeah .. I can see that. But you didn't like that thing from day one." He sucked down half of the cold beige fluid, careful not to spill onto his dress uniform. "You ever read anything about them Als, Cap?" His nervous hands found a pencil and spun it between their fingers. "I mean. before you were 'perfected?' They started 'em out playing chess. For years, the chess champs trounced 'em silly, time In an' time out. But the programmers got better, so their machines did too. an' eventually they got pretty good but you could always beat 'em if ya knew what made 'em tick. See, you could pull a totally random move, like put your knight in the middle of the board for no reason at all. and the computer thinks this guy's got some kinda strategy here. Like he's gonna take a certain gamble or play in a certain way. So the machine puts up his defense against the wild card play, but you never intended t' play that way in the first -38- place. So now you beat this supermachine, all from a stupid bluff that no human Is gonna fall for." Tappen mixed himself another cup of coffee and ran his finger over the doppler screen. The B-240 was now part of the glowing green wave, half way up the arm and half way through its journey off the screen. A red line from an oil pencil ran down the left side of the screen and now bisected the green mass of lights. It represented the international date line and the border between Russian and American air space. He turned to Masters as he swirled a mound of powder into the churning brown. "So what happened here? We put our rook right in the middle of Moscow?" "Nah. The computers figured that trick out after a while. They started assigning ranks to the possible moves and countermoves. Then they started doing more than play chess. Programmers began to feed 'em information during the day, and the machine would sift through it at night. Then the next day, it would ask them questions about what it read." "Like what? You mean like read about dogs and then ask if it could give it a pet?" "No, no. It would ask what's the difference between a dog and a cat if they both got four legs, tails, n' hair. And they'd tell it, right? Then they hook up photoreceptors to the thing and show it pictures from kiddie books so it could try and figure out what was a dog and what wasn't." "Just how kids learn." "Yeah, 'cept about a thousand times faster. Then it comes up With the idea that maybe the programmers are lying to it, that maybe dogs don't really have four legs and maybe all things like that are cats." "Shit .... " Masters sat forward in his chair, his hands much too interested in the story to continue their gymnastics with the pencil. "So now the programmers are saying, 'No, no, no, we didn't lie to ya,' and the machine says, 'Oh yeah? Well what if maybe YOU don't exist?"' There was a silent pause in the conversation broken only by the intermittent beeping of the console's machinery and the cold percolation of the coffee machine. The green mass was completely beyond the fat red line when the door burst open. A short, exaggerated woman in military dress greens rushed in with a walk that radiated authority. The stripes on her shoulder confirmed this, and Tappen snapped to attention. She looked past him to Masters, who slouched in his chair and resumed his hand's dance with the pencil. "This your computer?" He gave her a nod as her eyes scanned the console. "Where's your uplink to SACCADIC?" "Well I'd hardly call it my uplink, ma'am, but suck-a-dick talks -39- to me right over here." Her eyes followed his finger to a yellow box on the wall, in whose center lay a perforated double-glass panel with a cathode ray tube and a speaker behind it. Alphanumerics flashed »S.A.C.C.A.D.l.C. ON LINE< in white, reflected thrice over in the layers of glass. The green woman approached the glass and barked her access code. The screen flipped from black to white, and black characters flashed ACCESS GRANTED I.D. USER GN.CHAPERONE SYSTEM READY. "Saccadic, run Sacriledge. Now." She said this calmly, though with a hint in her voice that perhaps things might not go as planned. All the same, the screen kicked back into black, paused, then clicked off with that fading line of brilliance that dies into a dot and shrinks back into oblivion. At t he same time, each of the green glows on the doppler vanished as if it had been violently removed from the screen. When the last w as gone, the green woman saluted the room and left. Masters sighed and slumped down into his chair. Although he had not known it, he was very actively watching as the green dots began to disappear. Tappen too had been looking on quite attentively, but now dripped on the desk and leaned there. In their moment of relaxation, both men could hear the dull thumping ~ounds in the east. - Steve Bein -40- The Burn "Your mother hates me," I say as I check the speedometer. "She does not. You were just nervous again." "No." I'm going 65 right on the mark. "She was staring again. Very cold and she didn't blink once." "You're unbelievable. Everybody blinks. We have to." She fiddles with the radio, hits the scan button and finds static. "Your mother doesn't. She must be special." She finds something and keeps it there. It sounds twangy and western. I turn and look at her-a "what-in-the-hell" kind of look. "Crazy," she sings, "crazy for feeling so lonely." She croons to me, trying to cheer me up. But there is the road to watch and I'm not in the mood. "You're horrible," she says. Then she stares away out the window. "Patsy Cline, Patsy Cline," she mumbles. 'You know what else," I say. I'm still disturbed;! can't let go of the burning feeling. "Your mother kept smoking in my direction the whole time. I could barely breathe." "So she likes to smoke." She toys with the radio and skips over a talk program. "I know, my clothes are covered with the smell of that mentholated crap. I feel like a big mint." She giggles a bit, and slapping my knee says, "That's a good one." She slaps it again, adding. "But she's my mother-I love her." Then she makes a face and sticks her tongue out at me. She holds her tongue out like that until I turn and smile for her. She makes me do it because I don't smile much. She says it's good for me. Still, I don't really like joy much. We made these mother oriented visits a bit much, but mom worries religiously. Her mother always writes manic letters of discontent and sorrow, complete with the occasional cigarette burn mark or ink smear from crying. About the third or fourth letter of the month, Chloe starts to worry: "Mom really misses me," "Mom says the chest pains have come back," Mom's smoking two and a half packs a day," "Mom saw a therapist." So we drive 109 miles north, and there's mom, jubilant as a 16-year-old cheerleader, she leaps from the sinking old couch to hug her daughter and turn her in circles. And all the while I'm left standing there like a dolt, waiting for her mother to point me a spot to . sit in. I'm always left standing there, nothing to do but watch Music Television-that dance show her mother likes because of the "young studs that really shake it." Evening approaches, and traffic on 57 is getting tight. Chloe has found a station to rock to. She grooves her head to the -41- Stones' "You Can't Always Get What You Want." She's really into it. I'm caught up in the synchronous vanish of middle markers. My car isn't a car anymore-it's a vehicular Pac-Man and it's hungry. The song ends and Chloe turns to me, "Why are you always quiet when you drive?" she asks. She grabs her purse from the floor and takes out a box of Marlboro reds. "Why?" She glares with the box in hand. I hit the signal to pass a slow RV. and then I'm speeding past. "Because careful driving takes clear thinking," I say. "If you want to be safe you can.'t be distracted." I signal right and change lanes. The big RV shrinks to a speck in the rear-view mirror. She looks at me like I'm an idiot, and flips the cigarette into her mouth. It took her nearly two months to get that trick down, but if something's cool in her mind she'll practice like an Olympian. She lights the cigarette, drags deeply, then blows the smoke along the dashboard. She does this often. She calls it "dashboard fog." The smoke soon envelopes my side of the car. "Nice, real nice," I say. frantically waving at the stuff. It's November. We're on the highway. If I open my window I might catch pneumonia. "Chloe, please ... I'm trying to drive." She teases the ends of her long, auburn hair and takes another drag. "Mr. Safety, can you speed up?" I check the speedometer-I'm going 67. I ignore her and steady the car as a chemical truck passes. "Go faster," she pleads above the rough hum of the chemical truck. When the truck has passed I address her. 'Tm going 67. I'm not going any faster. There is a speed limit, Chloe, and I follow it. Speeders cause accidents." My speech is hard and authoritative! feel like my father. I glance over at her and she's looking out the window again. She takes a quick, nervous puff at the cigarette and watches the farmland go by. She ·looks sullen and it gets to me. "I only want to be safe, Chloe." I reach for her hand and squeeze it lightly. That touch is my penitence. A few cars go by, and I wonder what the people are hurrying for. What makes them drive like that. I check the instruments. I feel a lot safer knowing what's going on. The fuel gauge says we have a little over a half tank left, the temperature's fine, the little mileage numbers are turning over slowly, and no distressing car noises. But then there's Chloe wounded by the window. "Hey, I'm sorry," I say to her. I take her hand firm and hold it with urgency. 'Tm sorry. I'm just doing what's best." I look back at the road and see I'm getting closer to a blue van. -42- I quickly change lanes and speed up to pass him. As we pass I feel Chloe give my hand a good squeeze. That makes me happy. She kills the cigarette in the ashtray. Chloe holds my hand with all her soft fingers and explains, "I just thought we could get back soon and watch Nick at Night in bed." She gives me a smile. "Maybe get some Heath bars or vanilla-fudge swirl." Then a series of slow, quiet moments pass like when time . messes around with your head-the invasion of dreamy slowmotion upon conscious, acute thought. Everything is hum and click and wind and thumpity thumps of road cracks, and Chloe rests, sunk comfortable in her seat, watching the window pictures change as the wheels turn and turn and evening sets in. "You see the sun yet," Chloe finally says. She speaks into the window, and her breath fogs a good sized circle. "No. The sun is the sun Chloe. It sets like that all the time." I'm glad to talk again. "Yeah ... But tonight it's something else. It's the best. A big old burning thing in the sky-big, big, orange, orange." I look at her strangely, a look I always give when she gets poetic. She is often moved by things that most people forget about. I see her smiling at the sunset, so I examine it also. It is great like she says. The sun is painting the sky; brushes of yellow-red and pink-violet stretch from the blazing orange center across the infinite canvas of the atmosphere. The sun turns Chloe's buttermilk pale face into a golden warm fire. The sun paints Chloe warm and beautiful. "I wonder how hot the sun is," she says rather serious. She faces me with concern. A black car passes furiously. "Thousands and thousands of degrees," I reply. She returns to the sunset and smiles-never blinks, never blinks. Nightfall brings a full moon. Chloe spots it and playfully howls as we cross the twenty-miles-home sign. She howls and bites gently at the lobe of my ear. She laughs and laughs as I cringe and stare at her like she's nuts. Chloe takes pride In her ability to annoy. With a certain degree of disturbance lingering, I carefully watch the road as traffic tightens up. Chloe then nuzzles close, maneuvers around the stick shift with expert skill and drapes one arm around my shoulder. "Who won the race?" she asks with a twisted smile. Her brown eyes gleam wild in the wash of passing headlights. "Who won the race?" she whispers again. Her hot breath tickles, and the traffic Is getting worse. "Please stop Chloe, please." -43- "No," she says with determination, "I won't stop until you answer me." Her glare, however playful, bothers me, and as she nudges closer, tighter, I being to unravel. Her knee keeps bumping the stick shaft. I worry she might hit the accelerator or the brake. What if she brushes against the wheel, what then? And the traffic surrounds: cars here, cars there, cars getting too close, cars shooting their brights in my rear-view mirror. Altogether I feel like a raisin jammed up in a box. Chloe lights a cigarette and takes a deep drag. "Who won the race?" she orders. I don't answer because I'm trying to drive. Moreover, I don't know what to say. So she blows smoke at me. A school bus pulls up slowly beside us, and I'm coughing a real lung-killer. My nose suddenly itches and I sneeze. I look up at the bus to see all these kids making faces; they think Chloe and I are having sex. I wave and force a smile. Some wave back, but most of them flip me off-a couple of kids even use both hands for greater vulgarity. "Look you," Chloe says real loud, "Who won the race?" At this point I lose myself. No understanding, no passivity, no cool control, no deep breath in/big breath out stress relief. I lose it. I grip the wheel hard, my arms and chest tense up, and as I turn to yell at her my eyes are ready to blast out of the sockets. "I don't know Chloe! I don't know! Maybe your MOTHER won! She's a real winner!" Chloe is strangely disaffected. She laughs crazily and says, "Nooo stupid, Charles did!" In an instant she whacks my thigh with her fist, a real sharp knuckler that hurts like hell. She goes for another one and I reach to stop her arm. I'm driving with one hand, and I can feel us swerve slightly, just a few idiot steps from an accident. "Charlie did!" she breaks through with another strike. "Gimme that arm, give it here!" I demand. I grab for her arm frantically. Her cigarette hand flails all around. The little orange ball of fire dances-it rises, lowers, circles the confrontation, and then crashes firmly into the top of my driving hand. Then I'm yelling in agony. I yell and shake the burned hand. I curse and curse and driving is nothing I care to do. Nobody has. the wheel, and we zip across the left lane just a car length ahead of a U-Haul moving truck. At the shoulder Chloe finally has the wheel and guides us along. She yells for me to use the brakes easy, easy. As the U-Haul guy passes he honks in short, angry bursts. The others just look and point. and probably speak of us rudely. · We come to a stop and Chloe looks all around for the burning -44- Steve Bein is a senior Philosophy major who intends to ascend to divine status after graduation. Martin Paul Britt "'Mr. Snowplow Man' evolved out of the experience of listening to the radio for which schools would close. The more rural the area the better the chance of that school being closed, so I decided since the same amount of snow fell in the city as in the country it had to be those damn city snowplows ruining my chance for a day off." Walt Howard is a senior English major with a creative writing minor. "'Untitled' is meant to poke fun at some of the contradiction and lack of originality in my generation." Michael Lair is an English education major with a music minor. "It's not how far you go, it's how go you far." Scott Langen '"Heat' was written for Lorie and Andy - then and now. P.S. I am going to explode!!" -46- Matt Parks, (still) an English major... whatever that means. "People keep telling me I'm too secretive, so in the spirit of this I'm not telling anything else. Thanks Dr. Carpenter's class this summer (though only two of you ever saw it), Bushmill's, that particular stretch of beach (and one other person); y'all wrote this as much as I did." Sue Songer is a senior English major who lives in Charleston with her husband, Roger, and daughters, Rachel, Leah, and Rebekah. Her poem "Sawdust" is in memory of her father, John Dougherty, a "Wordsworth" from Jasper County whose love of nature was matched by his love of poetry. Jennifer Lee Surman dedicates "At Peace" to her Godmother, Bonnie Lee Richied. In life, she was a symbol of courage. Now, she is missed by those who love her. Bryan Levek "Stay tuned: The next love story involves a couple who, for biological reasons, cannot have children. So they decide to breed Persian cats, and they find the tremendous void filled by the gaggle of beautiful felines. Then early one morning Godzilla trips over a fire hydrant, crashes into the house, the couple are flattened in each other's arms, and all the kitties escape unharmed." J. Dylan McNeill wrote "I am Here ... Remembering" "This work was written in 1992, published in "The Phoenix" creative magazine, revised for this publication. I will never stop revising this story." -47- Nicole Moon is a senior English major. She lives in a small town called Riverton which is the basis of her poem. "Growing up, I spent a lot of time with my grandma and friends, and this poem is dedicated to them and especially my Grandma Roscetti who passed away last December." Jennifer Moro ''I'm a graduate student in the English program. My influences are Mother Goose nursery rhymes. My philosophy is in accordance with Twain's: 'In all matters of opinion, our adversaries are insane."' Matthew J. Nelson is now believed to have been abducted by aliens. Kellie J. Olsen also known as Kalina A. Kohlkec. "My biggest dream is to go to Alaska and become part of a wolf pack. One thing I try to keep in mind, life is too short to take seriously." Mark Porter is on tour with Brother Dan. Kris Quiriconi is out befriending a lonely turtle. Keith Spear is a hammer-wielding, two-son-having writer and remodeling contractor who approaches his Masters' candidacy as an exercise in interior decorating --- way interior. He is a native of Fort Knox, Kentucky. Heather Anne Winters is a second-year senior with a major in Elementary Education. "I aspire to own my own nursery school someday and to write and illustrate children's books." -48- Nicole Moon is a senior English major. She lives in a small town called Riverton which is the basis of her poem. "Growing up, I spent a lot of time with my grandma and friends, and this poem is dedicated to them and especially my Grandma Roscetti who passed away last December." Jennifer Moro ''I'm a graduate student in the English program. My influences are Mother Goose nursery rhymes. My philosophy is in accordance with Twain's: 'In all matters of opinion, our adversaries are insane."' Matthew J. Nelson is now believed to have been abducted by aliens. Kellie J. Olsen also known as Kalina A. Kohlkec. "My biggest dream is to go to Alaska and become part of a wolf pack. One thing I try to keep in mind, life is too short to take seriously." Mark Porter is on tour with Brother Dan. Kris Quiriconi is out befriending a lonely turtle. Keith Spear is a hammer-wielding, two-son-having writer and remodeling contractor who approaches his Masters' candidacy as an exercise in interior decorating --- way interior. He is a native of Fort Knox, Kentucky. Heather Anne Winters is a second-year senior with a major in Elementary Education. "I aspire to own my own nursery school someday and to write and illustrate children's books." -48- II EASTERN ILL UNIV. LIBRARY 11111111 3 2211 131597805