The Unidentified Disorder: Domestic Bullying

from the College of Mental Health Counselling The Unidentified Disorder: Domestic Bullying by Daniel Keeran, MSW, President, College of Mental Health Counselling The Unidentified Disorder: Domestic Bullying by Daniel Keeran, MSW This phenomenon has little content in professional literature and on the internet, especially bullying by the female spouse. Domestic bullying occurs when a spouse engages in frequent criticism, threats, insults, emotional manipulation, demeaning language or bouts of anger, and is a major problem resulting in family and marriage breakdown, depression, homicide, suicide, addiction, homelessness, criminality and mental distress leading to cycles of abuse for the adult children of family bullying. This report from the College of Mental Health Counseling is prepared for concerned friends, family members, and counselors, as well as victims and survivors of domestic bullying who want to make healthy choices for themselves and their children. Please share this report freely with clients, friends, and family members who may be experiencing domestic bullying. For deeper understanding of how abuse and loss of caring in the family can affect adult life and relationships, see “Effective Counseling Skills” by Daniel Keeran, MSW, in digital and hard copy at http://www.amazon.ca/Effective-Counseling-Skills-therapeutic-statements/dp/1442177993 What Is Domestic Bullying? Domestic abuse occurs when physical or verbal behaviour causes physical or emotional pain or harm to others. Physical abuse often begins with emotional bullying behaviour such as chronic hostility or criticism, intimidating demands for admission of guilt, lengthy punishing lectures, name-calling, threats, sarcastic put downs, or judgmental terms. Sometimes after episodes of bullying or physical assault, the abuser will express remorse and make promises to stop the abuse, only to repeat the abusive behavior. The mental abuse can be as or more painful than physical abuse. A single episode of physical violence can intimidate the victim to submit to the control of the abuser. The bully makes the victim responsible for causing the abuse; this victim-blaming identifies the bully. An episode of bullying or serial negativity may escalate from talking to shouting, or from sitting to standing or becoming threatening. What Are Some Causes Of Domestic Bullying? Women and men who abuse, often struggle with sociopathic, borderline, or narcissistic personalities or traits that are sometimes inherited, or they are repeating or reacting to parental behaviour observed or experienced in childhood. Suffering angry discipline in childhood, these individuals are sometimes overly judgmental of others and themselves and may be punitive in their approach to relationships. The abusive husband may have observed abuse in childhood or may -1- have been taught to use physical discipline in marriage. The use of alcohol or fatigue may precede episodes of abuse. The abusive spouse is sometimes jealous and often aggressive, threatening, and controlling. He or she struggles with feelings of inadequacy, low self-worth, and insecurity. The use of bullying may be evidence of low self-confidence and a sense of powerlessness. The abusive spouse believes physical or verbal bullying or punishment or violence is the solution to problems. The female or male victim is often overly passive and dependent and lacks a sense of self-worth. Less often, the spouse is very aggressive, resulting in a mutually aggressive or violent relationship. Pre-existing bullying behaviour may increase in frequency and intensity during senior years. What is the Effect of Bullying on Children? The cycle of abuse is continued when male children who observe abuse grow up to either abuse or to become overly passive as a reaction against violent or verbally abusive anger. Females who witness their mothers as abuse victims, may passively allow themselves to be abused, or they may become aggressive in their way of relating. Generally-speaking, spouses who observed abuse in childhood are as adults attracted to passivedependent partners. Dependent women and men with an abusive opposite gender parent, may be attracted to an abusive spouse because of an unconscious desire to change them into the caring parent they wished they had. This form of repetition compulsion results in depression and hopelessness in adult life and relationships. Their familiarity with the signs and feeling of abusive behaviour attracts them to an abusive partner. Dependent men may have experienced an aggressive mother and passive father. How Can Family Bullying Be Reduced? Public education can include training children to reject physical means, vengeance, and anger to settle family and interpersonal problems, to use a structured process of mutual problem-solving that moves beyond power, to teach assertive communication, how to identify a psychologically healthy partner and how to be a healthy partner. Considering also that the bully may suffer from a mental illness, laws can be enacted to criminalize the physical assault of women or men by their partners, especially in countries where such abuse has been culturally accepted, e.g. beating a woman suspected of becoming disobedient, is prescribed in the Quran (Quran 4:34). This has implications for Muslims immigrating to Western societies where physical violence is frowned upon. What Are the Effects of Bullying on Female and Male Victims? Adult female and male survivors of domestic bullying often suffer post-traumatic stress (PTSD) and fear of asserting their issues. They often become more passive and fearful than before the abuse. Depression, addiction, poverty following divorce, and suicide are other outcomes of verbal and/or physical abuse. Hypervigilance or “looking over your shoulder” is a common result after a long period of being bullied. -2- How Can The Victim Be Helped? Follow these steps: 1. Tell him or her that it is not unusual for a victim of abuse to return to the abuser several times before making a final break with the bully. 2. Talk to the victim about a plan to leave, saying, “Have you thought about what you might do if you decide to leave? What steps would you take?” 3. Rather than tell the victim to leave the abuser, tell him or her you will support their decision if they decide to leave and also if they decide to stay. Help him or her to plan a detailed safe way to leave, including going to a shelter. Having a plan helps them visualize and be psychologically prepared to leave. 4. If there are children in the home, tell her that the children must be protected from observing or experiencing the abuse. 5. Do not advise the victim to be assertive with the abuser as this may trigger further physical violence or bullying. 6. The victim may want to directly identify the chronic negativity or aggression as not something a friend does, by saying: “You are not being my friend to have such negativity toward me. I do not want to talk to you unless you agree to stop being so negative.” This sets a clear boundary, and puts the bully on notice to change or lose the relationship. 7. Call the police if you fear a physical attack, but be aware of the increased risk of losing the relationship and what you stand to gain or lose. How Can the Bully Be Helped? 1. By working on the anger issues originating in childhood. 2. By learning and allowing healthy boundaries for anger as listed here. 3. By adopting a value and commitment against violent and destructive expressions of anger, verbal and physical. 4. By learning a method for expressing anger in a healthy way. For mutual decision-making as an alternative to power and control, physical conflict and bullying, see this article and distribute it freely https://www.academia.edu/31760941/The_DecisionMaking_Game The bullying spouse may not be interested in moving beyond power. See this short video from the College President http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aodrYDAo9xk -3-