Giuliana's ONE YEAR OLD update!

Our sweet little baby girl is ONE!
[Actually, she’s almost 14 months now - but I’m just really behind and decided to change the posting date of this blog post closer to her actual birthday versus today, 2/24/11.]

Giuliana is seriously the sweetest, prettiest little one year old baby girl on the planet! We just LOVE her to bits! She was my biggest baby at birth (8lbs 9oz), but was also my smallest in weight at one year. She might be tiny, but she’s full of personality and spunk!

Giuliana’s 1 year growth stats:
Height: 29.45 inches (75%ile)
Weight: 16lbs 6oz (5%ile)

Nicknames: “Giuls” (pronounced – Jewels), “Junana” (thanks to Rocco’s pronunciation of her full name), “Giuliana Bella Faith Martino so cute” (in part thanks to Rocco – this has become a family nickname for her!)

Tooth count: 6
She had 6 teeth on her first birthday and I think she’s currently working on two more.

Words: “Mama”, “Dada”, “Uh oh!”, “I know”, “Emmm” (for M&M’s), and just recently started saying “I luhhhh” when I say “I love you!” But honestly, this child does not talk much yet and I’m guessing it’s a combination of two things. She probably has a bit of speech delay from all her ear infections. The other reason being that she doesn’t really need to talk… her sister and brother talk so much and give her everything she wants, there is just not an urgency on her part yet.

Best Friends: Rocco & Gabby
Giuliana LOVES being with her big sister and brother! If they leave the room, she wants to leave the room and go exactly where they are. If they aren’t home, she sometimes enjoys the quiet time we get to share… but often times I think she is more fussy because she just misses them and the excitement they bring to her life.

Favorite book: “Open the Barn Door”
It’s a cute little board book with window that she gets to pull open. She LOVES when people read her this story. She smiles and giggles when she hears the animal sounds and now likes to be the one to open the window flap.

Nursing: Giuliana is still nursing. Once during the day before her morning nap, once before bedtime and then she’ll wake up 2-3 times during the night (more if sick!) to also nurse. I am in the process of starting to wean her because I am tired! I also think the biggest benefit to her right now is that I’m more like her human pacifier.

Sleep: Inconsistent. I blame this on still nursing her and having to mold her schedule around the big kid’s schedules. Lately, she’s going to bed around 8:30pm, waking up 2-3 times during the night to nurse, and then she wakes up for the day anywhere between 7:30-9am. Her bedtime and wake up time is always influenced by her day time naps. She still most often naps twice a day. But, in recent weeks she has only taken one nap during the day probably 4-6 times. So, I’m sure she’ll be on one nap a day come March.

Pets: None. But, she loves dogs and fish! We don’t have either… but whenever we are around a dog she screams and giggles with excitement and she loves it when they lick her. Yuck! She also loves looking in fish aquariums and gets very excited when she sees one.

Favorite toys: Gabby’s dress-up necklaces, baby dolls (she’ll hug and hold them so nice!), and her kitchen/bakery. She also LOVES playing in Gabby’s room with the small doll house. Gabby would tell you she doesn’t play with it… but that she destroys it. And, she is often spotted carrying around play bowls, plates, forks and spoons and pretends to stir things or try to feed you. She also loves to hang out in the kitchen pantry! She spends so much time pulling things off the shelf and hanging out in there that we refer to it as her favorite room in the house. We’ll put her little crackers, raisins and snacks on the shelf in there and she’ll be happily entertained for at least 10 minutes.

Favorite Foods: Eggs, Sausage, Mac-n-Cheese, hot dogs, blueberries, and M&M’s. She finally eats table foods like a champ and wants to eat anything and everything she sees everyone else eating. She loves mac-n-cheese, hot dogs, pizza, beans, avocado, rice, any kind of soup, salmon, mashed potatoes, steak, chicken, cereal… seriously, I don’t think there is anything she doesn’t like! But, this child also has a serious sweet tooth! She LOVES ice cream, M&M’s, and any kind of chocolate for that matter. And, she knows exactly where the bowl of M&M’s is located in our kitchen and she’ll go over to that counter and point up at it and has no problem pointing and begging.

Walking: She started walking a few days before she turned 11 months. Now she is RUNNING!! And, climbing! She very much reminds us of Rocco in being an early walker and climber. She loves to run, and loves it more when we chase her. She’ll laugh so hard and we love this!

Problem solving: Currently prefers the “scream”, “bite” and “throw toys” methods
For a few months now, Giuliana has been acting like the top dog in the house. If one of the big kids is holding a toy that she wants, she’ll simply stand in front of them and scream at them until they give it to her. It was really pretty funny to watch! Then, she got brave and started just grabbing toys out of their hands. The big kids are great and often just give her the toys or laugh at her. Rocco will sometimes get upset, but mostly he just finds her amusing. In January, Giuls started the bad habit of biting us when she was upset or mad. For example, when I try to cut her nails, she’ll grab my hand holding hers and bite it. Or, if one of the kids takes a toy from her, she’ll grab their hand and bite it. Sometimes, if they try to help her and she doesn’t want help, she’ll bite them. Crazy girl! She also started throwing toys to make a point. I told her “no” one day, and she gave me an angry look, picked up a toy and whipped it at another toy. Then, just to make sure I understood she was mad, she looked back at me to make sure I was watching, picked the same toy up again and whipped it again! Wow – this girl is fiesty! I had to laugh! I imagine this will all smooth over once her vocabulary grows and she gets better at communicating with us.

Birthday Party wrap-up:
Giuliana shares the same birth day of her twin brothers. For Giuliana’s first birthday, I made a special chocolate cake for her to eat and destroy. I have done this for each of the kids, and I love seeing what they will do with their cakes. Usually, I have to make a second cake for us to actually eat but since we had Rocco’s cake I didn’t need to make a third.

On the eve of her first birthday, we went out to dinner and her & Rocco got birthday sundaes and the wait staff sang them the birthday song. She also got to enjoy some chocolate cupcake on the night before her birthday… she liked it a LOT and was very messy after, so I had high hopes for her cake destruction abilities.

On her birthday, we first sang happy birthday to Rocco, then we sang to Giuliana. She seemed to not really understand we were all singing the birthday song TO her, but she had fun listening to us all singing and giggled as we sang the song twice.

Gabby blew out her birthday candle. And, then we put the cake right in front of her to see what she’d do. She kept looking back at me saying “Ohhhh? Ohhh?” with her hand stretched out just above the cake, almost as if she was asking me if it was ok to touch it. I kept encouraging her to touch it and taste the frosting and eventually helped put her hand onto the cake so she knew it was ok. Then, she tasted the frosting and smiled REALLY big. She kept touching it, picking at it more and then tried feeding cake to me too. Yum! After 10 minutes of this, she decided to stand up so I held her hands since she was on the table and then she decided to step into her cake. Now THAT is the kind of first birthday excitement that I was looking for! After stomping on her cake twice – she was done with it. Then it was time for the traditional birthday bath to wash all the chocolate off her foot, legs, hands and face.

We are quite certain Giuliana had a fantastic first birthday!

First birthday presents included her name letters for her bedroom wall, a hand made piggy bank (that painted at Gabby’s birthday party!), fun new toys, a special ballet skirt, some new clothes, pajamas, shoes, and then her and Rocco received two joint gifts - a new kitchen/bakery and a new kids table with different colored chairs.

Happy First Birthday, Giuliana!! You are truly an angel sent from above! We can’t imagine life without you and we love you more than words!!

Rocco is THREE!!

Rocco is THREE!

Three seems be a really good age for Rocco! He is so handsome, he gives the BEST bear hugs EVER, he loves to be helpful, he plays great with his sisters, he’s so strong and great at sports (Dan is always amazed by his throw!), he rides his bike SO fast around the neighborhood, he eats well, and he is funnier and more entertaining than ever. He has more facial expressions than anyone I know. Thank God for digital cameras because he'll ham it up in front of the camera giving me lots of different Rocco faces.

He is also now fully potty-trained! YAY! Can you hear my screams of joy?! I give full credit to Maria on this one, as she has been so diligent at potty training Rocco and really encouraging him during the week when I’m not able to! Rocco still wears pull-ups during the day, just in case he gets too engrossed in his play and forgets to use the potty chair. But, I have to say – he is SO GOOD at running to the potty chair whenever he has to go pee pee or poo poo. SO PROUD of him!

Rocco’s 3 year growth stats:
Height: 39inches (95%ile)
Weight: 34lbs 4oz (75%ile)


Rocco’s growth stats don’t lie - this kid is one solid muscle! Seriously. This child does not have an ounce of fat on him and he is big. He is two years younger than Gabby and weighs only 4lbs less and is only 4 inches shorter than her.

Teeth: Rocco has now been to the dentist twice and was such a good boy at both visits. He loves brushing his teeth, loves his Batman toothbrush and his Lightening McQueen toothpaste.

Favorite toys: toy guns, cars, airplanes & helicopters, his bike, his space shuttles & rockets, his mini-ATV from Santa, and trains. He is also super good at putting puzzles together and playing the memory game (he's a frequent winner playing memory!).

Favorite foods: Mac-n-cheese (will even request this for breakfast & often eats the entire package himself), hot dogs & ketchup, corn dogs, sausage, eggs, any kind of pasta dish, tomato soup, chicken noodle soup, vegetable soups, bananas, strawberries, pineapple, carrots & ranch dressing, doughnuts and of course any kind of candy bar. This child is a food machine… he can eat often and anything!

Favorite books: “The Best Word Book Ever” and “Busy, Busy Town” by Richard Scarry. He can look at the books for so long. Ok not hours… but definitely twenty minutes to a half hour and that is LONG for Rocco!

Favorite cartoons: Batman, Tom & Jerry, Team Umizoomy, Word World, Go Diego Go, Dora

Best friends: Gabby, Giuliana, Sofia & Giovanni, mommy, daddy & Maria. And, when asked, he'll often still tell you his best friend is Tato.

Favorite activities and things to do: wrestle his daddy, ride his bike (w/training wheels) superfast around our neighborhood, playing outside in the yard with Gabby and the neighbor kids, family get togethers with Sofia & Giovanni, playing with his cars and airplanes (while making the respective and very loud sound effects (RRRRRRRRR….. MMMMMM… BLAST OFF!). Rocco is constantly making LOUD sound effects throughout the day… whether it’s the punching/fighting sound effects while wrestling his daddy, or playing with all of his cars & planes, etc. We usually know exactly where he is in the house. Rocco also likes to go on walks into the forest with an adult and look for caterpillars, bugs, and animal tracks and houses.

New interests: Counting, learning the “A, B, C’s” and the sounds they make, and he now also enjoys art projects like coloring and painting. As Gabby is now learning to read and practices spelling words randomly throughout the day, you’ll often hear Rocco say things like “Buh, Buh, Bear!” Or “Buh, Buh, Rocco” to which we'll laugh and tell him, “No, it’s “Ruh, Ruh, Rocco!”










Favorite beverages: Orange juice & chocolate milk. He even drinks his beverages out of big boy cups with his meals now – no more sippy cups at the table! After 2.5 years of being best friends with his bottles, they have now been gone for 6 months! Yay! We had just started trying to wean the twins off bottles when Matteo died…so, we ended up letting him keep the bottle in his life because it was a comfort to him and we didn’t have the heart to take it away knowing everything else he had been through. So, when we arrived in Tahoe last July, we told him that we didn’t have any more bottles and he accepted it without a fight. I do have to say though… I really miss his requests for “milky mommy”, which was code for him drinking his bottle, while watching a show and snuggling me and his blanket. I really miss all the “milky mommy” time. But, Dan & I both take every opportunity to snuggle him when he allows it. Snuggle time is usually when he first wakes in the morning.

Sleep: Rocco is an awesome sleeper! He sleeps 11 hours easily at night on days he hasn’t napped. No pre-bedtime tantrums. No pre-bedtime wars or drama. This child is proof that sleep-training is magical and has proven results! He goes to bed @ 8:30pm and typically wakes up at 7 or 7:30am and occasionally in the 8 o’clock hour. Recently, he has started to outgrow his naps. We’ve learned this because on the days he naps (his naps typically last 2 hours easily) he’ll end up sneaking down stairs to join Dan and I until 10 or 11pm. The sneaking down stairs is actually a hilarious phenomenon… because he’s like a little army guy. He’ll run with his blanket, then hit the floor covered by his blanket so we supposedly can’t see him (as if his blanket is his camo). He’ll do this all the way from his bedroom upstairs to the TV room on the main floor. Run, then hit the floor covered in blanket. Dan and I will proceed to comment on how it’s so strange that this random blanket is just sitting on the floor next to us. And, maybe we should go sit on it, etc.

Bad Habits: Using his shirt as his napkin. You can always tell what Rocco ate for lunch or dinner by looking at his shoulders/sleeves. Also, Rocco has a bad habit of yelling all of his feelings at us “YOU HURT MY FEELINGS!”, “YOU MAKE ME FEEL BAD!”, “DON’T TALK TO ME!”, “I’M GOING TO SLAM THIS DOOR!”. One can never complain about Rocco not being straight up with his feelings. Sheesh!

Next up for Rocco: Swimming lessons will start again soon for him. We’re trying to enroll him in karate classes. And, he’ll start pre-school again in August!








Birthday Party Wrap-up:
Rocco was SO EXCITED this year for his birthday cake and to rip through his birthday presents! On the eve of his birthday we went to the Cheesecake Factory for dinner. It was a lot of fun to take all the kids out and have them bring special birthday sundaes to the table. Rocco and Giuilana LOVED having all the wait staff sing the birthday song to our table…and Rocco happile blew out his candle and dove into his sundae the instant they stopped singing. He was very, very proud that the celebration was for him.

In the weeks leading up to his birthday, I kept asking what kind of cake he wanted, and he was consistent in his request for a chocolate “Cars” cake. So, on the eve of his birthday, I found myself consumed with making his chocolate cake and decorating it with a cars theme.

On birthday morning, he found his cake, and it remained a magnet to him for the rest of the day. Constantly looking at it, constantly telling us it was HIS cake, and constantly touching it and swiping frosting to lick off his fingers at any opportunity he had when we weren’t watching.

After we sang the birthday song to Rocco, and then to Giuliana, we watched Giuilana destroy her cake. Then, Rocco and Giuilana got to open presents. Rocco ripped through his presents in less than 10 minutes. I think his favorite gift was a space shuttle from Gammy and Papa. But, he also got a cool new legos set from a friend, lots of other toys, new clothes, new PJ’s, and then two joint gifts for him & Giuilana – a table w/different colored chairs and a new kitchen/bakery that they kids love. Rocco had a GREAT day and was SO PROUD of himself on his birthday!

We love you so much, sweet Rocco! You bring smiles to our faces every day, and constantly fill our hearts with love and laughter! Happy Birthday big boy!

Giuliana's Surgery

This little cutie pattooty had surgery yesterday to get tubes in her ears.

Giuliana's last food/drink was at 12:30am, and then we checked in bright and early at 6:30am. She was the youngest patient of the day so she got the first surgery slot. The surgery went really with no complications. I loved the doctor and the surgery center was fantastic in that everything was so streamlined. It was incredibly efficient and we were in and out with no time wasted. We were out the door and on our way home by 8am. The perfect situation for mommies and their little ones!

Giuliana was a victim of chronic ear infections and fluid build-up in her middle ear. The fluid build-up was causing constant pain, ear infections and possibly a distortion of everything she was hearing. Sometimes, this can lead to hearing loss and speech delays in small children if left untreated.

Thankfully, the fluid drained from within her ear canal was not green and goopy. It was just clear. So, the meds last week helped clear up the bacteria/infection. But, it was just a matter of days before the bacteria would be back again to haunt us.

It took less than 25 minutes for them to drain the fluid out of her ears and put the tubes in. They used gas to sedate her and she didn't even need an IV. She was pretty upset when she woke up... probably feeling a little drunk. I was able to nurse her there, and then once I got her in the car she calmed down and fell asleep and took a nice long nap.

Chances are she thought it was one bummer of a dream!

We're SO hopeful that our little princess won't have to battle any more ear infections.

She already seems to be acting a bit different to me, and perhaps it's just wishful thinking/anticipation. But, I feel as if she can already hear us better and that she's trying to say more sounds... instead of just screaming and pointing (which she had gotten very used to doing!).

Thanks for all the well wishes, thoughts and prayers for Giuilana!!

Hmmmm... if it's quiet then...

Hmmm... if it's quiet in this house between 7:30am-9pm, then my husband must be sitting with the big kids and all the iGadgets.

Dan got an iPa.d for Father's Day last year, and then he got another one at a work conference.... so I got one by default. Now, the kids refer to them as THEIR iP.ad's!

Gabby's favorite i.Pad apps are a sort of "dress the princess" and a spelling game. It cracks me up when she plays the dress the princess game because her princess ends up wearing the same outfit 90% of the time and she'll present it to me as if she's in a very fancy new outfit. And, I love it when she plays the spelling game... such a great confidence builder for her as she's learning to read! She's now able to read 8 pages in her "Dick & Jane" book. After we get through the 8 pages, she is usually tired from focusing so hard so we quit while the excitement level is still high! I'm so proud of her!!

Rocco on the other hand really enjoys playing a silly gun app. It's really basic... he chooses a gun or bomb from approx 30 different options. When the gun or bomb appears, he just taps teh screen and watches in shoot or the explosion. He gets SO EXCITED about this... it's pretty funny. Such a boy, this child!

Unexpected birthday gifts...

The verdict is in... as predicted by our pediatrician last Wednesday, Giuliana did in fact have Roseol.a last week, in ADDITION to a double ear infection and strep throat. Jeeesh!! It's almost as if she wanted to punctuate her first year of life and how important she is to us.

On day 3 of the high fever, when her ears and throat were looking better from the injected meds... our pediatrician predicted Roseola. She said that if she was right, Giuliana's fever would break Friday'ish and a rash would appear. And, sure enough... Giuliana's fever started to settle more into the low-grade fever range on Thursday just as little dots started to appear on her face and tummy. Then, on Friday, she had rash splotches that took over her tummy and back... a little on her legs, and some on her face.

None of my other kids had R.oseola. So, I had to read up on it on Thursday when I started to see the little dots appear. And, as it turns out, it is most common in babies as they approach age one (most common in babies 9mnths - 12mnths). What a great birthday present, eh? And, it is sort of like Chicken P.ox in that once you get it, you can never get it again. And, you then carry the virus for your lifetime as you do with Chicken Pox. Apparently, the rash doesn't bother the babies at all. And, sure enough, the rash was gone 24 hours later.

I was SO relieved when the fever finally disappeared! I'll take the kiddo with a rash any day.... but the fever.... NO. THANK. YOU!!

Giuliana's other unplanned birthday present this week will be surgery. Yes, she'll be getting tubes put in her little ears. When she was evaluated by ENT last week, her left ear was still filled with fluid and the right ear was half filled, even after the accelerated meds . She just can't get rid of the fluid and it's only a matter of days before the bacteria grows back and causes another ear infection. Such a vicious cycle... ugh!

I have a sneaky suspicion that this inability to rid her ear of the fluids may be the cause of a speech delay. Every noise she hears is distorted. She can say "Mama" and says it often. She also says "Dada" and "Hi"... but not too often. And, she has on occasion said "here" as she hands me something. But, I can already tell she is getting frustrated that she can't communicate and "tell" us what she wants. She'll grab my face or bite my shoulder when she is frustrated. And, I know if she knew the words, she wouldn't be doing this.

Rocco and Matteo had tubes put in at 15 months. Matteo had another ear infection approx 1 month after, but that was incredible at the time because he was getting ear infections almost every other week by the time his tubes were put in. And, Rocco STILL has his tubes in (21mnths post-surgery) and has only had 1 ear infection since.

I have high hopes that tubes will also help our sweet little Giuliana! Wish us luck...

18 months without Matteo

Eighteen months. Wow.

We have now officially lived without Matteo longer than he lived with us. Next week, Rocco will blow out his third birthday candles. Matteo will not.

I miss his big brown eyes. I miss snuggling him on the sofa for hours on end. I miss the sound of his raspy, deep voice. I miss his soft curls. I miss his chubby feet. I miss the touch of his skin. I miss watching him ride around the house on his trucks or wanting to play catch. I miss hearing him request to watch "Diego". I miss seeing him chase after Rocco, saying "No Cocco, no!" I miss everything.

Yes, things have changed. Immensely. Yes, in some ways, our lives have moved on. Yes, in some ways I feel frozen in time. Or, perhaps it's that I don't want time to keep moving forward... only because I don't want to forget anything. I feel old.

I hate to admit it to myself, but I've outgrown a sense of hope that once existed. It's a false hope... maybe a way that your subconscious continues to deny a particular situation. For example, for months after Matt died, my heart would skip a beat at the sound of a new text message alert from my phone. Or, if I saw the phone blinking... I would almost hold my breath and hope with all my heart that somehow Matteo was sending me a message. It's almost as if I would anticipate a message from him saying "Hi mommy... I'm ok. I miss you. Love you. This is all a bad dream and I'll be home soon. Tato" I know it sounds completely crazy. And, it is. But, no more. No more false hopes like this. I know he's truly gone. Perhaps a part of me still wishes that magical feeling of hope still existed in one way or another. I don't know.

I remember the disbelief of him being gone forever, to the point of me looking out my front window or standing at the front door looking down the street in anticipation that someone would be arriving soon to drop him back off, safe & sound in my arms. My mind would sort of hope that he was off on a play date... or maybe someone borrowed him for a few days... I knew it wasn't true, but I would hope.

I think Gabby still feels that if we go back to the church where we held Matteo's funeral, she'll see him again. Physically, I mean. His body. That was the last time she "saw" Matteo. And, even then she remember him looking very different to her. Even though she has been to that church several times after the funeral and Matteo wasn't there... she still refers to it as "the church where Matteo is". While she knows Matteo is now a constant angel in our lives, she still thinks and wonders where his physical being is. She is five years old and does not understand yet that we have Matteo's ashes here with us. She is familiar with his urn, but the concept of Matteo's ashes being inside is something she is not yet ready to understand. One day, I gently tried to approach this subject with her. The conversation did not go too far as I felt a need to protect her. The questions and wonder and non-understanding of the subject started surfacing... and I could not bear telling her in detail just how her brother was somehow also here with us, inside this box. I couldn't explain to my five year old that her brother's body was burned into ashes. She is too young to understand that. She is too innocent. She has already witnessed and remembers too many sad events and visuals from the morning we found Matteo dead.

While most of Rocco's trauma surfaced and impacted him for the 2-4 weeks after Matteo died, I can only imagine as he gets older there will be a lot of questions. A lot of wonder. Possibly sadness. For months after Matteo died, I would be sobbing just at the sight of Rocco doing anything alone. Sleeping in his room alone. Playing alone. Eating alone. Bathing with just Gabby. All of it was a like a knife to the heart. It still brings about pain at times. Sometimes tears. But, now I mostly wonder where Matteo would have been in the mix of it all, and what he would be saying or doing, or what he would have looked like.

Perhaps the universe wanted to punctuate our loss and all of these emotions as we crossed this bridge of the 18 month anniversary of Matteo's death. Because on the eve of Matteo's death, we ended up bringing Giuliana to the emergency department at the local children's hospital.

Giuliana was diagnosed with another double ear infection and strep throat on Monday, three days before we're supposed to see an ENT specialist for her ears. Lots of ear infections for this poor little one. Anyway, her ear infections no longer respond well to oral meds so she had to get injections Monday and Tuesday.

This bout of sickness has been especially hard on Giuliana (and mommy!) as she has had a persistent, high fever since Sunday. She isn't eating. She isn't playing. And, she is stuck to mommy like glue. So, when she added diarrhea and vomiting to the mix on Tuesday afternoon... I HAD to bring her to the Emergency Dept.

Gabby had a very difficult time with this. She started crying as Dan and I were leaving with Giuliana. We had to hold her and assure her that nothing was wrong and that Giuliana was going to come home with us. We explained to her that we just wanted another doctor to see Giuliana and make sure we didn't need to give her any other medications, etc.

Thankfully, Maria was home and she was able to assist us with watching the big kids. She was great and made it sort of a fun party night for the kids, and provided constant assurance to a very concerned Gabriella. Unfortunately, Gabby's memory and life experiences have led her to develop a very adult like understanding of mortality, medical situations, sick kids, etc.... and these things can be very stressful on her. It is not very easy to convince her in situations like this that "all will be fine". My heart breaks for her that she has experienced death at such a young age. She does not have the typical innocence of most children her age. And, her fears and concerns are very real... almost adult-like at times.

My biggest and current psychological battle seems to involve both night time and sick kids. I HATE when I have a sick child... it brings me such anxiety. And, when I lay down at night to try and fall asleep... my mind races through any and every possible emergency situation, and thoughts as to how I should react to them. The combination of a sick child at night is both stressful and completely exhausting, as I find it so difficult to sleep. When Dan is traveling, it's accentuated x100.

It's difficult to believe it has been eighteen months. It feels like just yesterday I was holding him.... yet, at times I feel as if I've aged 35 years in eighteen months. Life is just so different for us now in so many ways.

People who have not lost a child will tell me that with time, it gets better. You heal.

People who have lost a child know different. They agree that it doesn't get better with time. It will suck forever and ever. You just learn to live with it better. But the constant feeling of "missing" something... well, it's constant. Each day, not a minute passes without a thought of Matteo.

This thought is ever so present in my mind...

"The best and most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or even touched - they must be felt with the heart." - Helen Keller