Silly 'lil Dude!

Rocco continues to be such a silly 'lil dude... but he is as handsome as ever and always the entertainer.

He has been busted on more than one occasion for scaling the OUTSIDE of the staircase. Even after our many attempts to barricade it! Why go up the stairs properly when you can have some fun with it and daddy will rescue you?

He prefers to eat ON the dinner table (rather than at it). And, when he does sit nicely and dine with us... he'll always make us laugh.

Why sit on a chair like a normal person when you can make a bridge using the arm rests?

He's as sweet as sugar. But, he's torn the world apart... literally.

Whenever Dan has to get tools out... Rocco is always right there to help and assist whether Dan wants the extra help or not. Rocco will assist with everything from measuring to hammering.

And, baskets are STILL always best when empty and sat in (this photo is from late September).

What I Am Thankful For This Year...

We started the Thanksgiving holiday off by participating in the annual Turkey Trot. Gabby ran in the 4-5 year old race, and Rocco ran along with her. We would have loved to sign Rocco up for his own race, but the youngest race was for 2 year olds and he isn't quite there yet.

Gabby was super cute... she started off running... and then looked back to see Rocco looking a bit confused... so she ran back to him, hugged him and then he was off and running, chasing her.















After the Turkey Trot, we went for a long family walk... enjoyed the gorgeous weather and took in all the color on the trees.

We also talked a lot about Matteo and how this holiday was so different for us last year. I have a vivid memory of Matteo falling asleep on my mom's shoulder during Thanksgiving dinner... and then all 3 kids jumping and playing on Trish & Todd's bed after dessert. Such wonderful memories that I shared here last year.

We spent the evening with some of our wonderful family who lives nearby and our au pair, Sarah, who enjoyed her first American Thanksgiving. The food was beyond delicious and the kids had a blast playing with their cousin Courtney.

While I wish I could turn back the clock to the beginning of July, I know I can't. I also know I can't choose to only live in the past... or in a constant state of sadness and/or anger about Matteo's death. It wouldn't be healthy for myself or anyone in my life. Now more than ever... I feel a need to live life and cherish each and every moment.

With that being said... here are the things I am thankful for this year...
* The wonderful 17 months and 25 days I was able to love and get to know our son, Matteo.
* The good health of my husband and two living children.
* All of our dear family and friends.
* The miracle of life.
* Still being able to smile and laugh, in spite of the ever-present sadness.
* Sadly, a new perspective and appreciation of life... and what is TRULY most important.


Difficult times have helped me to understand better than before, how infinitely rich and beautiful life is in every way, and that so many things that one goes worrying about are of no importance whatsoever...--Isak Dinesen

A Royal Visit...

Last weekend... we were visited by royalty. We were graced by the presence of THREE princesses (and their fabulous parents, of course)!

Meet Snow White, Belle and Cinderella... and a royal prince (who wasn't so in to having his photo taken):

Snow White and Cinderella are the beautiful, sweet daughters of one of my best friends from high school, Jara. We always enjoy spending time with them and it was so much fun to see all the kids playing together so nicely.

After they left... Gabby talked about Kate and Kallie for days. Often saying "I really love Kate and Kallie. And, they love me too!"

I Found Her Sobbing...

Last night, I found Gabby crying in our master bathroom.

I had rounded her up for bedtime and sent her off to our room so we could brush teeth. I did my pre-bedtime check on Rocco and as I left his room I could hear Gabby crying. Sobbing actually.

I rushed in to find her looking in the mirror, crying her little eyes out.
Me: "Gabby, what's wrong?!"
Gabby: "I just REALLY miss Matteo a lot. I wish he was here. He is my little brother and I miss playing with him."
Me: Now also crying... "I know sweetheart. I miss him too. It's ok to miss him. And, it's ok to be sad and cry about it too. We loved him very much and he is probably hugging us right now trying to make us feel better."
Gabby: "Is he here with us right now?"
Me: "Yes, he is. He's always with us. Let's talk about him... do you remember what his favorite toys were?"

We went on to have a 20 minute conversation about Matteo and all of his favorite things, funny things he would do or say, and our memories of him.

Gabby said her favorite memory of him was how he would always do his little standing wiggle dance when he was happy or having fun. She also said she liked the little dance he would do when the "Go Diego, Go!" theme song was on TV.

It's amazing how moments like this can kick me right in the heart. They knock the wind right out of me. They require every ounce of my "being" as a parent to try and hold it together... a little bit anyway... for the sake of my other child(ren).

I am 99% sure that Gabby's crying episode was probably spurred by her having seen and heard me crying about missing Matteo when she got home last night.

I know it may be close to 5 months since Matt died. But, sometimes the pain and realization of what's happened seems like 5 minutes ago. The thought of him being dead still very much takes my breath away at least 50 times a day.

Birthday Party Fun!

For Gabby's birthday party this year, we let her choose who she wanted to invite. She invited a lot of friends from school and a few life-long friends that she's had.

Not only was Gabby thrilled to celebrate her birthday with her closest friends... she was very excited about all the party supplies, including princess plates, princess cups, princess napkins, princess table covers, etc.

We served her favorite foods for lunch... pizza, mac-n-cheese and hot dogs. The kids all played and ate lunch nicely together. We sang "Happy Birthday" and she blew out candles on another princess cake... this one sporting Belle, Cinderella and Sleeping Beauty.












And because a birthday party can never involve too much junk food... the cake was soon followed by a princess pinata.

FOUR!!

Gabby turned four last week! It's still hard to believe that she's already four... time goes by so fast.

We ordered a special "Belle" cake for her birthDAY. And, we let her open all her presents from us and other distant family members right when she woke up that morning. The two big hits were her Disney princesses bike and the Disney princess castle.

Even Rocco thought the bike was cool... and we sort of had to wrestle him off of it so the birthday girl could also spend some time on it.

After she opened all her presents... she said "Are there any more presents for me to open? I want more!" I thought this was funny, as it must be one of the four-year old developmental milestones to actually "request" more presents.











Not only did Rocco really like Gabby's new bike... but he took charge when it was time to blow out the candles on her Belle cake. Every time I would have 2 or 3 lit, the little guy would quickly blow out all the candles so I'd have to re-light them again. This had Gabby and I laughing so hard. Rocco on the other hand was very frustrated when I was finally able to hold him back far enough from the cake that he couldn't blow out the candles.











The only thing that Gabby REALLY wanted for her birthday that we weren't able to get her was Matteo. Several times over the past 4 months, Gabby has said to me "Mommy, I hope Matteo comes back to life for my birthday" or "My only wish is that Matteo will be back in time for my birthday". It's obviously beyond heartbraking the first time you hear those words come from your 3 year old's mouth. But, even more difficult might just be having to see their eyes when you to try and explain to them that you can't wish somebody back to life. That death isn't something you can change. It's sad and difficult knowing that she still has some sense of hope that she'll see Matteo alive again. It's hard to know that she doesn't fully understand exactly what death means.

Anyway, we did tell her that even though Matteo wasn't physically here with us on her birthday... he was/is with us. He is always in our hearts and on our shoulders. And, she still frequently tells me she has Matteo "sightings"... or that "Matteo was just tickling me".

Princess Cupcakes

As part of the birthday week festivities... the morning after Rocco's bowl-licking incident, we sent Gabby off to school with a tray full of princess cupcakes to share with all of her classmates.

They sang Happy Birthday and made her a special birthday tiarra.

Between Rocco and her daddy... I'm still somewhat surprised the cupcakes made it out the door that morning. ;)

Licking the bowl...

Rocco has taken "licking the bowl" to an entirely new level.

We made princess cupcakes one night this past week so Gabby could bring them to school, in celebration of her upcoming 4th birthday. I always let the kids (yes, Dan included) lick the bowl after... and other than having to remind Dan that he needs to share with the kids, it's never caused any real problems.

Well, it seems Rocco is now quite competitive with his father in the practice of "licking the bowl." Once Rocco got a hold of the bowl... he wouldn't let Gabby or Dan near it. And, he refused to stick his fingers or a spoon in. It had to be his ENTIRE face. It became a game of wild goose chase through the kitchen... with Gabby & Dan chasing Rocco and the bowl. I couldn't stop laughing. And thankfully, Gabby found this entertaining too... so no tears. Dan... not so much.













It was all fun and games until Rocco finally decided to drop the glass bowl on the tile floor. Well, to be fair... it may have slipped from his hands. But, the bowl shattered into what seemed like a million pieces. It was so funny though... these days, I'll take a broken glass bowl for a good laugh any day.

Stanford vs. Oregon

We went to the Stanford/Oregon game last Saturday with good friends. We brought all the kids and tailgated before the game.

Let's see... some of the highlights included:
* Gorgeous weather on a beautiful fall day!
* Tailgating pre-game, watching the kids play catch, color and get special balloons made for them.
* Watching Gabby & her friends (best friends from school, S & G) stand-up and cheer when the rest of the stadium was making noise... it was so cute.
* Rocco took a nap during the game. This was probably the only 1.25 hour time-span that we were not chasing him or trying to pull him off of things. I think he was either climbing or hiding under the benches almost the entire game.
* The kids LOVED going down a level to watch the Stanford band play a few times during the game.
* Fantastic offensive game for both teams (constant touchdown action) and Stanford won.
* We went on the field after the game with the kids and they danced with the band and participated in the win celebration. Rocco was sure to keep his eyes on the dancing tree... he was quite skeptical (Gabby was too around his age).
* Gabby ate more sugar during the game than I think she's ever had in an entire one week span... resulting in a sugar HIGH... and consequently, as we were leaving, a sugar low.

It was a great day... and if Matteo had been with us, I would have called it a perfect day. We of course thought about him a lot. We brought all the kids to the Stanford/Arizona game last year and it made for a really fun family outing. You can check out video and photos from last year by clicking here.

HaLlOwEeN 2009!

Halloween was a bit difficult for us this year, for all the obvious reasons. We missed Matteo more than words could ever explain. He was constantly in our thoughts. But, we were able to share in the excitement of the day through Gabby and Rocco's eyes... and for that, we were thankful.

Leading up to Halloween, Gabby kept telling us that she wanted to be Beauty/Princess Belle and she wanted Rocco to be the Beast. I couldn't possibly tell you how many times a day Gabby sings the theme song to "Beauty and the Beast". And now, if you ask Gabby what we should name baby Surprisette, she'll say "Belle". And, if we tell her "Or... how about XXX?", she'll start crying.

Oh Disney... you own us!

I still can't believe it, but I was unable to find a Beast costume for Rocco. I searched high & low... but nothing! So, Rocco ended up being Curious George which was perfect because it allowed Dan to once again be The Man in the Yellow Hat.

And, I can only imagine little Matteo would have been Diego. He LOVED Diego!

On Friday night we hosted a pumpkin carving, spooky potluck party and invited a few neighbors and friends over to join us. We carved some pumpkins, ate LOTS of yummy food, and celebrated Dan's birthday. All the while... missing our little Matt. Oddly enough, someone took a picture of Dan, me, Gabby & Rocco with Dan's cake... and Matt's photo is there in the background over my shoulder.

I think the most difficult part of the Halloween holiday was taking photos of the kids in their costumes without Matteo. Seeing the three of them, dressed up together last year was priceless. Those are some of my favorite photos of the three kiddos together... maybe because of the memories attached.

It also tore my heart out to watch Rocco & Gabby trick or treating. Rocco was loving it and saying "Tick or Teat!" I couldn't help but envision Matteo right there with them, picturing exactly what he would have been doing, where he would have been standing amongst the three of them, etc. But, all the while, I knew with every ounce of my heart that he SO WASN'T THERE. That hurt. And, I of course cried when Dan took the kids down the street, while I stayed behind to hand out candy.

Each time little kids would come to our door with their parents, I couldn't help but think how lucky each of those kids were to be celebrating the excitement and fun of Halloween night. And, how lucky their parents were to be able to watch them take part in this holiday. Especially knowing this would have been Matt's first true experience trick or treating (he wasn't yet walking last year). It would have been music to my ears to hear sweet little Matt saying "Trick or Treat!" with Gabby and Rocco. It would have been BEYOND cute to watch Dan have to open a new piece of candy for both Rocco & Matteo after each house. And, it would have been the sweetest thing to see both Matt and Rocco following behind Dan and Gabby because they were so busy concentrating on eating their candy. Instead... just little Rocco trailed behind.

The kids truly enjoyed the Halloween holiday. Gabby did have a little meltdown at some point that day. She broke down crying and said that she "just really missed Matatoe." Bless her little heart. She was fine then once she got that out. And, she certainly made for a beautiful Belle! And, Rocco might just have been the cutest little monkey ever.