Christmas Day, 2009

Surprise, surprise… Santa came again this year. And wow… both kiddos must have been on Santa’s “nice” list!

Gabby was given a big princess tent and LOTS of the Disney princess dolls… she must have the entire collection now. Santa gave her some warm new PJ’s, leggings, tights, games, princess books, Hello Kitty chapsticks, etc.











Rocco discovered his train table before Gabby woke up and it was so cute because he yelled “Look momma, look!” He LOVES his train table and all of his new train stuff. He also got a big remote control truck, some warm fleece PJ’s, some new Hot Wheels cars and trucks, some new toy tools, and Diego books. And, he was much more interested in opening presents on Christmas Day versus Christmas Eve which was great.












Matteo’s stocking was even filled up with new Hot Wheels cars and trucks (he loved trucks) and some new socks. Santa must have known that nobody puts holes in socks quicker than Matteo did. And, Santa probably knew how much it would break mommy’s heart to see an empty Matteo stocking on Christmas morning.

Then, Dan & I went into cooking mode. And, while we thought the kids would be busy playing nicely with their respective new toys… we quickly realized that lots of new toys also create new battles to referee. Gabby was amazingly interested in all of Rocco’s new electronic toys and tools, and Rocco couldn’t resist pushing Gabby’s buttons by taking toys right out of her hands.

We shared Christmas day and evening with our au pair, Sarah, and some of our local family - Leo, Kenny, Linda, Barbara, Kirk and Clint. Gatherings with this group could not be more enjoyable… time passes too fast with so many fun conversations and stories. And, they brought LOTS of yummy appetizers and desserts.

Dan and I love to cook and entertain. We ended up making a very DELISH dinner… including an arugula, pear, gorgonzola & walnut salad; filet mignon with a wild mushroom, merlot sauce; garlic mashed potatoes; and some yummy green beans.

















The Christmas holiday was certainly very difficult and heartbreaking. A LOT of tears fell Christmas morning. And, being busy with making dinner and entertaining may have been a blessing in disguise so Gabby and Rocco didn’t have to watch their mommy constantly cry on what was supposed to be a joyous holiday. But… we survived it. And, it was a nice holiday thanks to the wonderful and thoughtful people we spent it with.

Christmas Eve, 2009

We went to church on Christmas Eve. It was packed and standing room only 15 minutes prior to mass starting… so we ended up listening to the service from the baby/toddler/parent room at the back of church. Well… and to be totally honest, Dan and Rocco spent most of their time roaming around outside playing catch with oranges (from the church trees), etc. After the service, we had to go up to the front of church so Gabby and Rocco could see baby Jesus in the manger. Gabby asked a LOT of questions this year about why baby Jesus was born in a barn, why his crib was a manger, and why there were no hotels left for Mary and Joseph.

After church, we came home and opened presents, and then ate Dan’s very yummy lasagna. We had a nice night together as a family and enjoyed sharing our Christmas Eve traditions with Sarah, our au pair from Germany.

The kids LOVED the presents Sarah gave them... she gave Gabby a princess bag filled with a princess sippy cup, a princess t-shirt, a princess magic towel, etc. Rocco got a Cars bag filled with a 101 Dalmation puppy, a Cars sippy cup, a Donald Duck magic towel, etc.

Other show-stopping toys were the Thomas the Train engine and cars that pulled behind it for Rocco. After he opened that... we had to BEG him to open more gifts. He also got lots of other fun stuff and finished opening his gifts on 12/26. Gabby LOVED getting new sparkly pink flats, princess Ariel & Erik dolls, a new Princess sweatshirt, a new fancy dress, and lots of other princess stuff.

Throughout the entire day, not a moment passed where Matteo was not in my thoughts. I thought about him constantly. I found myself talking to him and about him often. Dan and I exchanged a number of stories from our Christmas with him last year. I missed him immensely. I wondered what he’d be doing, what his favorite gifts would have been, etc. I must have paused everything a million times that day just to stop and cry and take a few deep breaths.

Thank God for Gabby and Rocco… I don’t think I could have made it through Christmas without the two of them. These two amazing little people have no idea what joy and happiness they bring to our lives… even in our darkest moments. We could not possibly ever love or cherish anything more than our children.

Christmas spirit…

As in years past, we put Christmas lights up outside… ok, well, Dan did this. And, it took an entire day because he had lots of mini-breaks to watch football games and chat with neighbors.

We made and decorated Christmas cookies. And that was both an exhausting and hilarious experience with two very eager “little” helpers. See previous blog post.

We put beautiful holiday decorations up around the house. We hung stockings from the fireplace mantel. And, we picked out and decorated a Christmas tree… only this year, the tree decorations were a bit different. For one, they only covered 1/3 of the tree... and, 50% of those decorations were on the bottom third of the tree. Our tree also had some very special ornaments on it this year.

Some very special people gifted us with the most amazing ornaments this year… all including pictures of Matteo. I couldn’t help but cry when I first saw them. They were beautiful, heartfelt, and perfect. They are truly so special to us… both the people who sent them and the ornaments. :)

While it continues to be beyond heartbreaking that Matteo isn’t here WITH us… it is a beautiful thing to see his little face all over our Christmas tree. It is a wonderful feeling to know other people are thinking of him and us during the holiday season. And, while he will never again hold the Christmas stocking with his name embroidered on it… we will continue to hang it from our fireplace mantel each and every year. And, he will ALWAYS be a part of our Christmas holiday.

Christmas Cookies

Our cookie fest was a bit out of control this year!

It exhausted Dan & I... and we didn't even make a ton. We made gingerbread men, cut-outs, and some almond and peppermint pinwheel cookies frosted with milk chocolate and topped with walnuts.

Maybe I should be more specific... it wasn't the cookies that exhausted us. The exhausting part was keeping our "helpers" under control and managing the magnitude of the mess.

Our kitchen was blanketed with flour and sprinkles. And, I think there were little pieces of dough everywhere too.

But it was fun... and I'm still glad we did it. The kids truly enjoyed it... we all laughed a lot and it brought joy to our hearts knowing how much fun they were having and the memories we were making for them.

Gabby's favorite part was helping press the cookie cutters and putting flour on the dough before we'd roll it (this of course resulted in several looming clouds of flour in the kitchen!).

Rocco LOVED trying to roll the dough. He was "king" when he had the rolling pin. And, Dan had to practically wrestle the little dude every time he needed the rolling pin. It was funny!

Sadly, poor Dan was a bit traumatized from the entire experience. Next year if I want his help again, it will probably require some serious bribery.

Most Wonderful Time of the Year?

I love Christmas music and I play it constantly from Thanksgiving, well into January. One of the songs I've always loved is "It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year… "

For me, it always has been. The most wondeful time of the year, I mean. Only… it’s not this year. Not for us, anyway.

Sometimes it just hits me like a ton of bricks. He’s gone. Matt’s gone…

It’s almost Christmas Day 2009 and he’s not here with us. But he should be. He was here with us at this time last year... and we made all these wonderful memories. We're supposed to make more this year... but, he's not here with us.

I haven’t held him, hugged him, played with his hair, watched him wiggle, or heard his sweet little voice since July 4th… and I couldn’t want anything more than to do just one of those things. Just once more. Just. Once.

We celebrated Christmas with some of Dan's family over the weekend. It was nice. Good conversation, a great dinner, we exchanged gifts, watched the kids scream with delight about their new toys, and we also watched and laughed until our stomachs hurt while the adults played with their new remote control helicopter toys. The kids chased the helicopters and I’m pretty sure they hit more than one person in the head.

I was doing fine and coping with Matteo not being there with us until I looked through the pages of the photo calendar that we gave to Grandma & Grandpa Bailey. There he was – my baby. Our sweet little Matt. He was with us in those photos… taken less than a year ago. And look - he was smiling! He was happy. He was healthy. And then my eyes filled with tears and my thoughts started racing…

Matteo’s dead. He isn’t celebrating Christmas with us. Rocco got a new remote control car and he was having so much fun with it and making everyone laugh. But, Matteo… he didn’t get a remote control car. And, he would have LOVED it! He didn’t get anything. He wasn’t laughing and having fun with us. He wasn’t wrestling and climbing all over daddy and the cousins at the party. We won’t get to see Matt scream with delight this year when he opens his Christmas presents or plays with a toy he loves. We won’t get to see him and Rocco ram their remote control cars into each other or fight over toys like they did last year.

All of a sudden… there it was again. My heart… ripped out of my chest and sitting on the floor in front of me. I wondered if anyone could see it… my heart. And, the hole in my chest. It seemed so obvious to me.

I cried on the drive home from the Christmas party. I have never missed anything or anyone so much in my entire life. I can’t possibly explain this pain to ANYONE. It’s constant. It’s a physical pain. It makes you feel sick to your stomach. And, it is heavier than anything you can lift.

I slept hard that night… I was physically and emotionally exhausted.

The next morning, I woke and instantly began crying my eyes out. I sat in bed, hugging Matt's blanket... sobbing. By myself. I imagined him lying next to me. I wished for him to appear. I pretended I was holding him wrapped in his blanket. I could physically feel my fingers in his hair. I played over and over in my head the last day we had with him. I wondered what I did wrong. I wished how I would have done a million different things. I replayed the morning we discovered him dead. The look on his face. How I held him… my dead baby. And, I didn’t want to leave him. And, I didn’t want those strangers in my home to take him away from us. After about 30 minutes I got out of bed. I walked downstairs. Thankfully, the kids were still sleeping. Dan asked what was wrong, and I broke down and started sobbing again. And, he held me. And, I know it made him sad too. And, I know he couldn’t say anything… because we both know nothing… absolutely nothing can make this better. I wanted to call my mom. I wanted to call my closest friends. I wanted to call someone and just cry… and for them to just listen to me cry. But, I didn’t.

Everything that I tried not to think about too much this holiday season suddenly consumed my every thought. Like how Matteo’s stocking hangs from our fireplace… but he’s not here to see it. Rocco goes from stocking to stocking telling us who each stocking belongs to. And, Matteo should be here doing that too. How Dan & I should have been able to have fun shopping for fun toys for 2 little boys… but only one would be here to open gifts with us. Or how Gabby isn’t able to spend time teaching Matt how to put ornaments on the tree, or telling him about Frosty the Snowman and showing him how to draw Frosty. How making cookies should have been next to disastrous because of 3 kids throwing flour and sprinkles everywhere… not just 2. Two seems like such a lonely number still… it’s too easy. We miss Matt.

It probably took a good 48 hours before my eyes stopped stinging and the tears stopped falling.

Our hearts were ripped from our chests 24+ weeks ago… and we haven’t been able to put them back.

The people closest to us are so kind and thoughtful. They acknowledge the fact that our hearts have been ripped out. They ask how we are. They tell us they can’t imagine how different our lives are and that they think about us often. They acknowledge Matteo’s life and tell us they’ll never forget him. They continue to send us thoughtful cards, notes, emails, text messages, and leave messages for us. Just to let us know they care and that they’re there for us, whenever we need someone. Virtual strangers (my blogosphere friends) often do the same thing.

Some people fully avoid the subject. And, I wonder if they can see that my heart is still ripped out of my chest. I wonder why they don’t ask “So, how are you doing? It must be beyond difficult to live without your heart. I’m sorry. I think about Matt often and I can't imagine the loss you've experienced.” Maybe it is just more comfortable for them not to acknowledge our missing hearts and the fact that our sweet 18 month old baby boy died, unexpectedly. Maybe it is too difficult for them to look at or acknowledge the hole in our chests where our hearts once were. Maybe they feel they'd be stomping on our hearts, right before our eyes, just by asking about Matt or how we're coping.

I’ll find myself at the grocery store or park, wondering if the people looking at me know that my heart was ripped out of my chest. Or that it’s been gone since July and I’m not sure when or if it will ever be put back into my chest. Or perhaps they don’t see that my heart is missing. Sometimes strangers ask “How are you?” And, I look at them almost in awe of the fact that they don’t know my heart is missing… can’t they see the hole? Maybe not. Maybe only I can see it. Maybe I should tell them. Maybe I should be honest when people ask how I’m doing and say “Well, my heart was ripped out of my chest, but I’m still alive and I’m learning to live without it.” Sometimes I wonder how long one can live without their heart... because some moments and some days are truly just difficult.

But, I’m living. We're living. Life continues on for us. We have Gabby and Rocco to thank for this. They are the reason we do anything and everything. They are the center of our universe. They bring joy and happiness to our lives daily. And, soon… we’ll again witness the miracle of life when another baby joins our lives.

So, on the Eve of my favorite holiday... I can only hope that each of you will take the time to fully appreciate and cherish every moment with the special people in your life. Life is so short... but it is truly full of many beautiful moments which we all so often take for granted.

We love you, Matteo... you will be in our hearts, thoughts and prayers on this holiday as you are every moment of every day. Merry Christmas little buddy!

Meet “Elf"

If you haven’t heard of the “Elf on the Shelf” family tradition/activity, I’d highly recommend you look into it for next year! This is our first year doing it and it has been fun.

Some very dear and thoughtful friends of mine gifted us with this new tradition. And, we are very thankful as it has helped to start each day on a good note during the very tough weeks leading up to one of my favorite holidays – Christmas.

Long story short… Santa sent us this elf, along with a story book to explain his role in our home during the holidays. The story book explains things like how you have to choose a name for your elf. And, being that my kids are super-duper creative they chose the most perfect name, “Elf”. We also learned that we can talk to Elf, but Elf can’t talk to us. We can’t touch Elf… because if we do, he can’t fly back to the North Pole every night to tell Santa whether we’ve been naughty or nice.

Every morning when Elf flies back into our house, he chooses a different location in the house to watch us from. This is where a lot of the fun comes in. Dan & I have sort of been competing over good hiding spots. He'll hide Elf one night. I'll hide Elf the next. And, every morning, the kids get really excited to run around the house and find Elf.

Rocco will say “Elf shelf” or "Elf watching!" whenever he sees Elf. Gabby asks a lot of questions, like "WHY can’t Elf talk to us?", and "WHY does he fly back to the North Pole EVERY night".

Can you find Elf?

Pneumonia... argh!

Last week was another crazy week. Rocco went from having a cough on Tuesday to having pneumonia by Thursday.

Rocco had been diagnosed with bronchitis on Wednesday. So we knew there was a reason for the rattling in his chest. But, when I got home from work on Thursday night and he seemed to be struggling even more with his breathing... I was truly worried. I was on the verge of bringing him to the ER @ 8:30pm, but decided to page Dr. O again. Thankfully, Dr. O was fabulous and he saw Rocco that night.

Poor little Rocco was diagnosed with pneumonia. We caught it early. It was in the lower quad of his right lung. Dr. O gave him two shots - one to assist with his asthma and one to treat the pneumonia. I was so worried about our little dude that I told Dan I was going to stay up all night so I could check Rocco throughout the night. However, Dan insisted on him staying up since I was up for most of the night the two previous nights, switching between coughing kids and then not being able to sleep for fear they'd stop breathing.

This also allowed Dan 8 hours of uninterrupted PlayStation time and MVP status on his shoot 'em up game. Sadly, I think he'd volunteer to do this again in the near future. :)

Ever since Matteo died in his sleep, it is beyond difficult to put a sick child to bed. Even more difficult is putting a child to bed with nasal congestion or breathing troubles. I simply can NOT sleep unless Dan or I are constantly checking. Sadly, I find myself checking on them 3-4 times throughout the night when they're not sick. It's just a basic instinct now.

By Friday morning, Rocco's bronchitis was better but the pneumonia had spread. Our poor little dude was having so much trouble breathing that he spent most of Friday and Saturday being frustrated and angry.

By Tuesday, he finally turned the corner and was sounding better.

We saw an immunologist/allergist today. We’ll be experimenting with some medications over the next month to see if they have any impact on decreasing how often he gets bronchitis.

If you followed us last year, you’d know that Rocco & Matt switched back and forth between having either bronchitis or an ear infection from November 2008 until the end of March 2009, when tubes were finally put in their ears.

I'm hoping we will all be a LOT healthier in 2010!

Hungry?

I had a package of sliced cheese sitting on the counter. Apparently, Rocco was really hungry... because he managed to grab it, take out the entire stack of cheese and started eating it.


It was kind of funny... so I took a few photos. Then the little dude decided to put on a show of his many faces.




This is Rocco's "Hey!" face... as in "Hey mommy... don't take MY cheese!" We get these puppy dog eyes a lot lately.


















And then we have his serious face, and his growling face. He couldn't possibly be any cuter!