unadventurousjulie reblogged
Please enjoy these insults:
Among many other Talents, my family is good at insults. Please enjoy:
- ”We promise to return Cousin Scott in as many pieces as we receive him.” “…Pieces, Plural?” “Scott, his artifical leg, and the wee peanut rattling around his skull that he uses for a brain.”
- “You’re going to make some some future paleontologist very famous when they discover your solid-bone skull.”
- “Professor Ingram has left for the University of Lousiana’s Psych department, thereby raising the average IQ of both departments.”
- “Can you believe someone started a rumor that I slept my way to the top?” “No way. You’re nowhere near to the top.”
- “You are my sister and I love you but I’m pretty sure if I were to shout directly into your ear canal you’d echo.”
- “Some things ferment and improve with age- Wine and Cheese for instance. You’ve just decomposed.”
- “Dense doesn’t begin to cover it. People who get close to him get trapped in his Event Horizon.”
- “Some people have a devil on thier shoulder that whispers temptations to them. Yours is bellowing that that was over the line.”
- “I won’t deny that you have hidden depths, but they’re less like the potentially levithan-filled ocean and more like the secret compartment in the dryer where the socks get lost.”
- “I can’t come to your birthday Nina. I’ve scheduled a root canal that day specifically so I wouldn’t have to.”
- “She describes her ancestry and it sounds like a fancy cheese platter but in person she’s velveeta.”
- “Your inner machinations are a rotating pie display.”
Y’all like insults? MORE INSULTS
- “He’s got a bright future as a redundant middle manager in Hell.”
- Grandmother, upon seeing the scandalously tight pants and Veneral dancing of the 80′s: “That’s an awful lot of advertisement for not much product.”
- “Why do you always talk like you’re giving a presentation to a bunch of kindergartners?” “I think it’s important to adjust your means of communication the the auidence present.”
- “Aposematism. An intersting fashion choice.”
- In reference to a loud neighbor: “Does he have any idea what time it is?” “That would require a degree of cognition that is capable of abstract reasoning. I don’t think Norm understands pants.”
- “You might have better luck with romance if you tried dating within your own Genus.” “That’s a rude thing to say about Ricky!” “I’d call him one of the Great Apes but that involves attatching a superlative to his name.”
- “Truly, you are the astigmatism of your father’s eye.”
- “Look at you! All feathers like a half-plucked moldering theater boa and a hiss like a deflating bicycle! To think that your ancestors would have sparred with the likes of T-Rex! Away from me, Lesser goose of Greater Ganders! Go slather yourself in herbs and sit under a broiler you useless excuse of an herbivore!” (Yes, directed at a Canada Goose. Yes, IT WORKED).
- “Glenn, if the comapny really wanted someone to repeat what everyone else said in a more annoying way, they’d hire a parakeet.”
- “How did you like the Movie?” “Ten out of Ten, best nap I’ve had in weeks.”
- “You are the persistent hemorrhoids on the backside of humanity.”
- “They say art is whatever you can get away with, but the artist clearly thinks they’ve pulled off a baffling hesit when they’re barely managed a back-alley mugging.”
- “All the Animals in the world to emulate, and she picks a Tick.”
