W h at's Inside

Th e Frosh 's Guide to Dating

Em o Poe try
"Th e Ne w W orld"
Th e Me ssage and th e Mone y
Pe de strian Nigh tm are
Ne w s from 2020
H e y Ge rtrude

Volum e Tw o, Issue Tw o
M arch 2007
The Frosh's Guide to Dating
We're tired of watching people make fools of themselves...
Le ts face it, w e 've al l m ade stupid m istak e s aw ay for som e one doe s noth ing to m ak e th e m
invol ving th e opposite (or sam e ) se x at one point in aw are you e xist. Ge t ove r th e fe ar of re je ction, or
tim e . For m any of us, it w as m iddl e sch ool . But you w il lbe com e a spinste r w ith too m any cats.
re ce ntly, w e at Inconspicuous h ave notice d a tre nd: 5.Guys: offe r to tre at h e r. Girl s: don't l e t h im . Th is
unde rcl assm e n m ak ing th e sam e , pitiful l
y h e inous is th e 21st ce ntury for crying out l oud, can't w e
m istak e s th at h aunt th e nigh tm are s of th ose no drop th e ch ivalry?Go dutch or tak e turns.
longe r in th e se ve nth grade . So, inspire d by th e 6.Don't ove r-infl ate your e go or try to be som e one
h orrors re ce ntl y w itne sse d on Val e ntine s day you're not. Your significant oth e r sh oul d be
(re gardl e ss of your th ough ts on th e h ol iday itse lf), attracte d to you for w h o you are , not w h o you
h e re are som e tips to avoid unne ce ssary cl aim to be . H aving to k e e p up a facade is no w ay
h um iliation. to e njoy a re l
ationsh ip.
7.You're not in l ove on day one , so don't say so.
1.O bse ssion is baaaad. Eve n if you l ong for h im or Re al l
y. If you th ink you are , you're w rong. W ait
h e r w ith th e fie ry passion of a th ousand suns, don't untilyou're sure – you'l lk now it w h e n it h its you.
m ak e it obvious. It m ak e s you l ook l ik e a cre e p. 8.Don't l ose track of your oth e r frie nds. It's e asy to
Tone it dow n a bit, and you'l l find your l uck ge t caugh t up in th e bl iss of rom ance , but k e e p in
im prove s. touch w ith th e re st of your w orl d.
2.Be casual . Th is tie s close l y in w ith #1. Th e m ore 9 .De pe nde nce is just as bad as obse ssion. Your
laid back you can se e m , th e l e ss l
ik e ly you are to partne r sh ould not be th e onl y pe rson you can turn
scare off th e pe rson you're afte r. Say "it's not a big to. As im portant a part of your l ife th e re l ationsh ip
de ale ith e r w ay," e ve n if it is. m ay be , don't le t it be com e th e w h ole th ing.
3.Ge t to k now som e one be fore be com ing invol ve d. 10.Enjoy yourse l f. A re l ationsh ip you ge t noth ing
Som e pe opl e are sim pl y incom patibl e . If you can't out of is not w orth be ing in.
h ave a conve rsation, it probabl y w on't w ork out. ● ● ●
4.Stop w aiting. Go for it. Sitting around pining

EMO POETRY
som e tim e s don't l e ave al lyour ch e ck e rs k itte ns
in th e sch oolbath room s in th e back row k itte ns are soft and cuddl y
i sit im not sure w h at th at m e ans not l ik e m e
and l ook at th e fl
oor tiles probabl y som e th ing de e p i h ave bl ack h air
th e re r sooo m any of th e m de e pe r th an th e oce an bl ack cl oth e s
th e y are sq uare and al so bl ue bl ack e ve ryth ing
lik e pe opl e bl ue r th an th e oce an myl ife is bl ack
lots of sq uare pe opl e de e p bl ue som e th ing lik e m y soul
w ith grout in be tw e e n th ats th e nam e of a band not l ik e publ ic e ne m y
or l ik e pink floyd i saw th e m on vh 1 for m y sk in is w h ite
"al land al l, but ive ne ve r h e ard th e m pal e l ik e th e m oonl igh t
you're just anoth e r til e in th e fl
oor" lol e ve n th ough m y soulis bl ack
 "The New World"
A short story
Sh e final ly re ach e d 16-49 .GN, sat dow n on it and off-pl ane t – it w as probabl y at l e ast rational of
starte d to tak e off h e r sh oe s. Sh e stuffe d th e m into th e m . You didn’t w ant to l e ave th is w orl d to your
th e ir de signate d com partm e nt and cl ose d its l ittl e k ids. Th e m ost you coul d do for th e m w as, m aybe ,
door. Me n, w om e n and ch il dre n in varying state s of to give th e m a ch ance to start ove r.
pe nsive sil e nce , w ide -e ye d appre h e nsion, and Th e l ine in th e aisl e w as th inning out now . Sh e
tal k ative e xcite d-ne ss m ade th e ir w ay dow n th e se ttl e d h e rse l f m ore against th e l e ss-th an-
aisl e th at stre tch e d to e ith e r side of h e r as far as com fortabl e m at-th ing th at sh e w oul d be spe nding
th e e ye coul d se e . Sh e ’d be e n standing in th at l ine th e ne xt se ve n ye ars on. Appare ntl y, as soon as sh e
for th re e h ours, staring at th e non-m oving back s of fe llinto an induce d sl e e p, th e ch e e rfull e cture rs
th e pe opl e in front of h e r and th e signs on th e h ad inform e d h e r, th e m at w oul d conform itse l f
w al ls to e ith e r side of h e r, e m bl az one d w ith e rgonom ical l
y to h e r body, e nsuring th at w h e n sh e
num be rnum be r h yph e n num be rnum be r dot w ok e up in m ore th an h al f a de cade , sh e w oul d be ,
le tte rle tte r. No w onde r th e y h ad starte d l oading six w el l... l
e ss stiff.
h ours e arl y. H e r stom ach grow l e d. Sh e h adn’t e ate n in th re e
H e r fam il y w as on a diffe re nt l e ve l
. Th e y w e re in days, as pe r th e re q uire m e nts of th e h uge
pods 08-34.KP th rough 08-34.KS. Sh e , th e fifth gove rnm e nt com pl e x th e y’d be e n l iving in for th e
m e m be r of th e fam il y, h ad e ncounte re d th e past th re e m onth s. Im m e diate l y upon m oving in
annoying m isfortune of h aving h e r boarding tick e t th e re th e y’d be e n se t on a sch e dul e , w atch ing
lost in som e corrupt pl ace in cybe rspace , so th e y vide os about Al ph a Ce ntauri and re ce iving training
h ad to put h e r on one of th e h igh e st l e ve ls w h e re on w h at to do in e m e rge ncy situations and h ow to
som e one h ad cance l e d a tick e t. It w as not grow food and tak e care of anim al s and l ive on a
re assuring to th ink th at sh e w as tak ing th e pl ace of pl ane t in a binary star syste m , e ating gove rnm e nt-
som e one w h o got col d fe e t be fore th e y coul d go issue food and pe rform ing stupid e xe rcise s th at
th rough w ith th is. W h at if th e y’d be e n righ t? w e re suppose d to pre pare th e ir bodie s for th e Long
It w as re al ly too l ate to th ink about th at now , Sl e e p.
th ough . W e l l, m ostl y. Sh e suppose d sh e coul d, in an A w om an’s voice ch im e d above h e r. Sh e coul d h e ar
e piph any of astonish ing proportions, de cide now it com ing from th e oth e r spe ak e rs pl ace d at
th at sh e didn’t w ant to go, spring from th e be d, inte rval s dow n th e aisl e . “Pl e ase tak e th is tim e to
sprint past th ousands of dum bfounde d boarding find your pod. W e are pre paring for l ift-off. If you
passe nge rs, dow n th e e m e rge ncy stairw ay, dow n re q uire assistance , pl e ase pre ss one of th e se rvice
dow n dow n th e sixte e n fl igh ts of stairs to th e buttons l ocate d in th e w al l
s of th e aisle s.”
ground fl oor, across th e six-footbal l
-stadium s-l ong- Th e fe w re m aining pe opl e in th e aisl e s se e m e d to
and-tw o-w ide -and-th re e -h igh cargo bay, w h e re th e be com e m ore urge nt in th e ir se arch for th e ir pods,
m e ga-fork l ifts w oul d be storing th e l ast of th e cl utch ing th e ir boarding tick e ts and pe e ring at th e
posse ssions of th e passe nge rs and strapping dow n num be rs on th e w al ls m ore anxiousl y. An ol d
al lth e m any th ousands of crate s of suppl ie s, ge t a w om an ne ar h e r pre sse d a se rvice button.
ride dow n from th e re on one of th e crane s, ste p off Passe nge rs w h o h ad al re ady found th e ir pods h ad
th at onto th e godforsak e n, crack e d and bl iste re d struck up conve rsation w ith th e ir ne igh bors.
de se rt ground, and... stay. Scatte re d h e re and th e re am ong th e th inl y-ve il e d-
W ith no fam il y, no job. O n a dying pl ane t. Sh e appre h e nsion-drive n ch atte ring w e re a fe w w h o,
coul d stay. lik e h e rse lf, pre fe rre d to ponde r th e ir im m ine nt
Sh e sigh e d. Ye ah , righ t. As fl abbe rgaste d as sh e h ad de parture in sil e nce .
be e n w h e n h e r pare nts tol d h e r and Marne e and A strange fe e l ing be gan to m ak e its pre se nce
Jason th e ne w s – th at th e y w e re m oving th e fam il y k now n in th e pit of h e r stom ach . Th e y w e re
actual ly... le aving. re sponse , sm il ing, distant, as antise ptic as th e
Be fore h e r ne rvousne ss coul d de ve l op furth e r, sh e spray h e use d on th e toddl e r’s arm .
w as distracte d once again by th e announce r’s “Excuse m e , m iss, can I h e l p you?” Sh e turne d to
voice . “If you h ave not ye t found your pods, pl e ase se e a young, uniform e d, brune tte w om an h ol ding
pre ss a se rvice button now . W e w il lnow be gin th e th e spray bottl e standing ne xt to h e r pod. It w as
pre l im inary l ift-off proce dure s. A cre w m e m be r w il l tim e .
com e to e ach passe nge r se ctor to assist you. If “O h . Th ank s,” sh e said, sl iding dow n th e w al lso
th e re are any probl e m s, pl e ase pre ss a se rvice sh e w as l ying on h e r back on th e m at. Sh e angl ed
button.” h er le ft arm so th e ve ins on th e inside of h e r e l bow
Th e ch atte ring h ad die d dow n w h il e th e w om an’s w e re facing up.
voice w as te l l ing th e m w h at to do. It starte d up “You’re ve ry w e l com e ,” th e w om an said, re ach ing
again, th e note of panic sl igh tly h igh e r th is tim e . above h e r h e ad to grab th ings on th e w al lbe h ind
Sh e took a de e p bre ath . Th is... w as going... to be h e r, righ t be l ow th e 16-49 .GN. Sh e m ove d l ik e a
fine . m ach ine , sh e th ough t. O ne se nsor w e nt ove r h e r
Sh e h e ard a faint w h oosh ing sound in th e m idst of ste rnum ; th e oth e r tw o w e nt on h e r side s unde r
al lth e tal k ing and turne d h e r h e ad tow ards it. A h e r arm s. Th e w ire s conne cte d to th e m w e nt into
uniform e d m an h ad just ste ppe d out of th e doors th e w al lbe h ind h e r.
now -w h oosh ing-cl ose d tw e nty yards to h e r righ t. “Now w e ’re going to put th e IV in,” th e w om an
Th e im age se e m e d to re pe at it se l f ad infinitum said, re ach ing ove r h e r face and pul ling th e tube
dow n th e aisl e , th e w h oosh ing and th e ste pping of and ne e dl e from its pl ace on th e w al l. “If I can ge t
th e uniform from th e Cre w Quarte rs w h e re th e you to sq ue e z e th at h andh ol d re altigh t, I can se e
passe nge rs w e re not al low e d to go, and th e cre w th e ve ins be tte r.” Sh e sq ue e z e d th e h andh ol d.
m e m be r be ginning to w al k al ong th e row s of pods, “Th at’s gre at.” Th e finge rs pok e d on h e r arm ,
abnorm al ly ch e e rful ly. look ing for th e be st ve in, sh e suppose d. “You’re
O h , sh e th ough t. Th e y w e re doing th e IVs and going to fe e la col d spray... and a pinch ...” and sh e
se nsors now . Th at m ade se nse . coul d fe e la pok e , too, w h e n th e ne e dl e w e nt in,
Th e cre w m e m be rs are traine d for th is, sh e but it w asn’t th at bad, and th e w om an put a pie ce
spe cul ate d, w atch ing th e m an tal k to a m iddl e - of tape ove r th e ne e dl e and sm il e d and said, “You
age d, h arrie d-l ook ing w om an. Sh e coul d bare l y did gre at. Is th e re anyth ing e l se I can do for you?”
m ak e out th e q ue stion sh e w as ask ing: it w as about “No,” sh e said.
if th e Long Sl e e p w oul d h urt th e th re e -ye ar-ol d in “Al righ t. You just sit tigh t for a w h il e , and w e ’l lbe
th e pod ne xt to h e r. No, th e uniform sm il e d. tak ing off re al soon,” sh e said. “H ave a gre at
As if sh e h adn’t be e n tol d th at sixty tim e s be fore in trip.” And sh e m ove d on to th e m an ne xt to h e r.
tw e l ve diffe re nt l e cture s on th e topic, sh e th ough t. It w as so organiz e d. Th e m an w h o’d te nde d to th e
Sh e k ind of unde rstood w h y th e w om an w oul d ask , w om an and toddl e r w as al re ady tw o m ore pods
th ough . It w asn’t re al l
y th at sh e ne e de d to k now dow n th e row . H e r pe rce ption w e nt fuz z y, and sh e
th at in particul ar, it w as th at sh e ne e de d saw th e cre w m e m be rs as a fore st of m e ch aniz e d
re assurance th at th e w h ol e th ing w as going to be doctors te nding to th e se a of prostrate passe nge rs.
ok ay. Th e ignorant m asse s, de prive d of control or
Th e m an put in h e r IV for h e r, said som e th ing e l se k now l e dge of h ow to h andl e th e situation, pl acate d
sm il ingl y, a random q ue stion about h e r fam il y or by sm il ing strange rs.
som e th ing, and m ove d ove r to th e toddl e r’s pod. Sh e l ay stil l for a w h il e , casting about for
H e put on th e boy’s se nsors and inse rte d th e IV som e th ing to th ink about, to distract h e rse l f. H ow
w ith practice d m otions w h il e th e w om an w as h ad sh e gotte n h e re ?H ow h ad th e y al lgotte n h e re ?
answ e ring th e q ue stion, tal k ing in a de te rm ine d- Be cause no one drove cars anym ore , so h e r dad l ost
not-to-be -ne rvous w ay, m ore th an w il ling to be h is job as a m e ch anic, and no one coul d afford to
distracte d from th e m iniature ope ration and th e h ave th e ir cl oth e s cle ane d, and th e NationalW ate r
loom ing unce rtainty th at coul d now be se nse d Board w as cutting dow n on e ve ryone ’s w ate r
tangibl y in th e air. Th e uniform nodde d th rough h e r rations, th e com bination of w h ich l e d to h e r
m oth e r cl osing dow n h e r dry cl e aning busine ss, and and th e big sh ip. “Th ank you for your patie nce .
th e sch ool s w e re al l using crack e d and unusabl e Passe nge rs w il lsoon be e nte ring induce d sl um be r,
ch al k boards for e ve ryth ing be cause th e pape r and th e cre w w il lbe gin th e finalpre parations for
rations for th at ye ar h ad run out th e pre vious lift-off. If th e re are any probl e m s at th is tim e ,
se m e ste r, and th e y coul dn’t h ol d ath l e tic gam e s in pl e ase pre ss a se rvice button.”
th e gym anym ore be cause th e y didn’t h ave e nough Th e re w as th at fe e l ing in h e r stom ach again. H e r
el e ctricity cre dits to l igh t th e gym at nigh t, and te e th and th e m uscl e s in h e r l e gs w e re cl e nch ing
be cause th e air h urt to bre ath e outside untilyou against h e r w il l. Sh e sh oul d re lax. Th e y al w ays said
cam e inside to th e air-conditione d h um idifie d to re l ax w h e n th e y w e re tal k ing about th e Long
cl im ate , w ith e ve ry bre ath re m e m be ring th at Sl e e p. But sh e w oul d re l ax, anyw ay, w h e n sh e fe l l
h um idifying it in h e re w as de h um idifying it out asl e e p. Th at’s w h y th e y se date d you be fore th e y
th e re . And be cause h e r grandm oth e r h ad h ad to cl ose d th e pods. Your body h ad to be com pl e te l
y
m ove into th e ir uncl e ’s h ouse be cause h e r h om e on re l axe d be fore you got suspe nde d for se ve n ye ars.
th e coast w as be ing cl aim e d by th e e ve r-rising se a, Th at’s w h at th e se nsors w e re for. Th e y se nse d
and be cause th e Bre ad Bask e t of th e Gre at Pl ains w h e n you w e re de e pl y asl e e p.
w as running out of topsoiland no one coul d afford Sh e took anoth e r de e p bre ath and turne d h e r h e ad
to irrigate anym ore , be cause th e w ate r rations sl igh tl y, look ing for som e th ing to distract h e r again.
m ade it so e xpe nsive , and w ate r w as so e xpe nsive W ith a h issing sound, one of th e l ids of th e pods
be cause of th e tre atm e nts th e w ate r h ad to go sw ung out from th e w al land se al e d itse l
f ove r its
th rough to be drink abl e and usabl e e ve n to w ate r occupant. I gue ss som e one ’s al re ady asl e e p, sh e
crops, and be cause th e re fuge e s from L.A. k e pt th ough t. Th e n anoth e r one w e nt.
com ing in drove s be cause th e ir w ate r suppl y drie d Th e n it re al ly starte d. Al lal ong th e w al ls as far as
up, and be cause th e h urricane se ason h ad sh e coul d se e th e h issing sound and th e m e ch anical
e xte nde d to th re e -q uarte rs of th e ye ar and th e re low e ring and th e se al ing sound, doz e ns and doz e ns
w as no one l iving on th e isl ands in th e Caribbe an of th e m off into th e distance . H e r bre ath starte d
anym ore , be cause it w as im possibl e , and be cause com ing faste r, contrary to w h at sh e ’d be e n tol d
th e re l igious fanatics w h o k e pt tal k ing about w oul d h appe n unde r intrave nous se dation. Sh e w as
Arm age ddon h ad starte d ge tting m ore dange rous suppose d to just fal lasl e e p.
th an usual and burning buil dings, and be cause Distract, sh e th ough t. Distract.
e ve ryone w as scare d. And be cause al lth e tre e s in Sh e th ough t of th e tre e in h e r back yard th at sh e
h e r ne igh borh ood w e re dying. use d to cl im b. And th e h ol e in it w h e re sh e ’d
And w e re th e y e ve n going anyw h e re be tte r? W h e n h idde n h e r ol de r siste r’s pl astic je w e l ry and m ade
th e ne w s cam e , w h e n sh e w as m aybe five , al lth e h e r m ad. And th e book s sh e stol e from Jason and
ne w s ch anne l s h ad be e n tal k ing about th e h id in th e tre e to re ad in th e sum m e rs. And h ow
discove ry th at Al ph a Ce ntauri h ad pl ane ts th at th e cat w oul d som e tim e s join h e r, but onl y if th e
coul d be m ade l ivabl e for h um ans, and e ve ryone cat fe l tl ik e it. And h ow sad sh e h ad be e n w h e n th e
w as saying th at w e h ad a se cond ch ance , th at th e cat h ad l e ft and ne ve r com e back .
h um an race w oul dn’t die . Al l th e optim istic, Sh e cl ose d h e r e ye s.
e xcite d scie ntific e xpe rts th e ne w s anch ors invite d ● ● ●
to tal k on th e ir sh ow s tal k e d about al l th e
te ch nicalde tail s of living th e re , and starting from
scratch and buil ding our ow n infrastructure and W e w antyour fe e d b ack !
living in w ays th at w on’t de stroy our nice ne w
pl ane t. And al lth e cynics w e re re al l
y de pre ssing, Se nd us an e m ailat
and said no, w e w oul dn’t l e arn. W e coul dn’t l e arn. incons picuous lit@ gm ail.com
W e ’d de l ay our ow n de struction by spre ading
ourse l ve s across th e gal axy and de stroying oth e r W h o k now s , w e m igh te ve n re ply!
pl ace s and pl ane ts.
Th e voice brough t h e r back to th e pod, th e aisl e,
 The Message and the Money
Does rap music deserve the "bad rap"?
Today, th e pre judice of h ip-h op and rap as se xist, contribution to th e busine ss of h ip-h op is rath e r
com m odifie d m usic is both w ide spre ad and th e n just th e m usic, th e m ore th e industry w il lbe
partial l
y true . Th e m ajority of rappe rs h ave th e ir force d to ch ange .” Th is se ntim e nt is sh are d am ong
m usic sol d by a m ajor re cord l abe l and th e m any oth e r artists w h o se e rap as a form of
m ajority of th e ir songs are e ith e r about h ow m uch re vol ution rath e r th an a m e ans to m one y or fam e .
m one y th e y h ave or about pim ps and h oe s. As w ith It is be cause of th is nature of criticism of th e
any pre judice , th e re are e xce ptions. Pre judice , syste m th at rap can be ide ol ogicall y be ne ficial . If a
w h ile it can be use d as a ge ne ral guide l ine at song l ose s points for se xist l anguage , it can gain
tim e s, is use l e ss on an individual basis and is points for satirical ly criticiz ing se xism or racism . So
use le ss for de te rm ining an attitude to an e ntire m uch of th e m usic th at is constantl y pl aye d today
group, w h e th e r th at group is a race , a re l igion, or is de void of any th e sis or m e ssage . W h e th e r th at
a m usicalge nre . W h il e not e ve ry rappe r m ay be m usic is th e th ousandth l ove song (se xist or
good, dism antl e your individualpre judice s against oth e rw ise ) or som e th ing th at just ge ne ral ly sounds
th e ge nre : rap is an institution th at is abl e to pre tty, rap, on th e w h ol e , h as m ore of a purpose
e vol ve and criticiz e itse l f, and a l arge am ount of th an oth e r form s of m usic. In onl y th e al bum Le ts
rap is ide ol ogical l
y and e ducational l
y sound. Ge t Fre e by De ad Pre z , w ith out e ve n l ook ing th at
Just as w ith any oth e r group, not e ve ry m e m be r is de e pl y, w e find criticism of th e prison syste m and
a re vol utionary w il ling to bre ak from th e m ol d of drugs (“ch e m icalw arfare ”), th e e ducation syste m ,
th e m ainstre am . Eve n som e of th e m ost com m odifie d rap, l osse s of civil l ibe rtie s, w ar,
re vol utionary rappe rs stil l cling on to th e sam e patriarch y and unh e al th ine ss. Eve n if you onl y look
se xist l anguage th at h as be com e too com m on; at rap m usic as poe try or ph il osoph y, w h e n you
w h ile m any artists th at I ide ntify as re vol utionary com pare it to “anal yz ing” poe try for sch ool(re ad:
don’t h ave songs th at are de dicate d to be ing “cl ubbing poe m s w ritte n by de ad w h ite guys to
se xist, artists such as Im m ortalTe ch niq ue stil luse de ath ”), l iste ning to “Pol ice State ” w ins h ands
language l ik e “de ge ne rate fags” and “bitch e s.” dow n.
W h ile Im m ortal Te ch niq ue criticiz e s th e Eve n if you disagre e w ith th e particul ar ide ol ogy of
com m odification of rap, Th e Coup criticiz e s th e a h ip-h op artist, th e ir m usic can stil l be
se xism . In th e song “W e ar Cl e an Draw s,” w ritte n e ducational ly be ne ficial . W h il e liste ning to
for th e daugh te r of one of th e m e m be rs, th e y w rite Im m ortalTe ch niq ue , you are e xpose d to a bre adth
“Life is a ch al le nge and you gotta te am up, If you of ide as and pie ce s of h istory th at actual ly m atte r.
pl ay h ouse pre te nd th at th e m an cl e an up.” No For instance h e te ach e s th at “Th e Unite d State s
m atte r w h at pre judice you h ave about rap, th e re is sponsore d th e rise of th e Th ird Re ich ” (“Th e Cause
a rappe r w ith th e sam e criticism th at m ak e s th e of De ath ”) and h as an e ntire song de dicate d to th e
sam e argum e nts as you do. issue s invol ve d in cocaine , from th e abuse s of th e
Th ank s to th is varie d nature , w h il e I don’t e ndorse Pe ruvian w ork e r to th e Am e rican distributor.
al l rap, som e of m y favorite m usic is rap th at Re gardl e ss of your curre nt opinions on rap, on h ip-
criticiz e s th e pre judice s and probl e m s com m on h op, on w h ate ve r you cal l it, al w ays ope n your
w ith in th e ge nre . Im m ortalTe ch niq ue ’s song “Th e m ind to ne w ide as. If your onl y e xpe rie nce s w ith
Me ssage and th e Mone y” is an e xam pl e of rap th at rap are of th e type th at is both ide ol ogical l
y and
actual ly h as (gasp!) an ide ol ogy, and is as e l oq ue nt m usical ly de void of anyth ing practical or good,
in prom oting it as any ph il osoph y book . Im m ortal se arch out som e th ing re vol utionary. If you don’t,
Te ch niq ue says “I re fuse th e fe e d th e m ach ine and your opinions of rap w il lne ve r be anyth ing oth e r
I’m not giving any m agaz ine m one y… And th e m ore th an anoth e r e xte nsion of th e sam e ste re otype s
th at MCs, produce rs, DJs and inde pe nde nt l abe ls th at h ave be e n use d against countl e ss ne w
start to grasp th e conce ptual ity of w h at th e ir m ove m e nts and m inoritie s. Go to a CD store (of
course I w oul d ne ve r e ndorse copyrigh t viol
ation if
you use Bittorre nt, Lim e w ire , Kaz aa, or a sim ilar
program ) and ge t som e De ad Pre z (try Le ts Ge t
Fre e , Turn O ff th e R adio – Th e Mixtape Vol um e 1,
or Re vol utionary but Gangsta) or Im m ortal
Te ch niq ue (Re vol utionary Vol um e 2 is m usical l
y
be tte r th an Re vol utionary Vol um e 1). Le arn
som e th ing ne w . Expand your h oriz ons. ● ● ●

The Pedestrian Nightmare

Walking or biking is great when done properly
It h appe ne d about a m onth ago. I w as driving cause . Pe de strians and bicycl ists are ofte n tre ate d
w e stbound on 18th ave , com ing up on th e as h arm l e ss, innoce nt bastions of inte grity -- som e
inte rse ction w ith Patte rson (righ t in front of of w h ich is w arrante d, due to th e ir ch oice of an
Safe w ay). Th e l igh t w as gre e n, and conse q ue ntl y e nvironm e ntal l
y frie ndl y m ode of transportation
re d for th e gaggl e of fre sh m e n w aiting to cross th e and th e risk ie r nature of th e ir trave l s. H ow e ve r,
stre e t in th e opposite dire ction. As I e nte re d th e too ofte n th is is assum e d to be a fre e pass to do as
inte rse ction, one of th e fre sh m e n sprints into th e th e y pl e ase on th e roads -- w h ich w oul d be fine , if
crossw al k , ignoring m y q uick l y approach ing tw o ton it w e re n't for th e cars.
ste e l box. H orn bl aring, I stoppe d w ith e nough As is unfortunate l y too ofte n forgotte n, not burning
force th at m y back pack fl e w up from th e back any gas doe s not e xe m pt you from basic traffic
se at, h itting th e passe nge r ch air and fal ling to th e law s. Ne arl y anyone w h o drive s in Euge ne can
floor w ith a sol id th ud. Th ank ful l
y, th e onl y atte st to cl ose e ncounte rs w h e re a bicycl ist runs a
dam age w as to a coupl e of note book s, th ough stop sign or re d l igh t w ith out l ook ing for traffic, or
h ope ful ly h e h ad som e com m on se nse k nock e d into ride s back and forth across th e stre e t, m ak ing it
h im . Truth is, if I didn't h ave th e brak e s and tire s im possibl e for anyone e l se to ge t by. And h ow
th at I do, th e cl ass of 2010 w oul d be one fe w e r in about th e pe de strian w h o runs m anical ly into th e
num be r. crossw al k as if noth ing m atte re d in th e w orl d
Euge ne is ofte n toute d as a w onde rful city for e xce pt crossing be fore th e l igh t ch ange d, and in
bicycl ists and pe de strians, th ank s to its side w al ks th e proce ss bl ock ing anyone e l se from turning
and bik e trail s providing non-m otoriz e d acce ss to w ith out h aving to run a re d?O h , th e bicycl e riding
m uch of our se m i-urban spraw l , m ak ing it e asy to dow n th e w rong side of th e road and scooting
save a l ittle gas w h e n ge tting around tow n. be tw e e n you and th e curb as you turn, th at one 's a
Unfortunate l y, th e abundance of m anual cl assic too.
transportation ofte n pre se nts a nigh tm are for O f course pe de strians and ride rs de se rve
drive rs. In an ide alw orl d, foot-pow e re d propul sion prote ction and cautious driving, but if socie ty is
and m otor ve h icl e s coul d coe xist h arm oniousl y, but e sse ntial ly granting th e m im m unity, th e l e ast th e y
in re al ity, th e fl agrant idiocie s on th e part of both coul d do is sh ow a l ittle com m on se nse . Th e re are
se ts keep re lations to an antagonistic of course e xce ptions: not e ve ryone outside a car
ack now l e dge m e nt of pre se nce . be h ave s l ik e a m aniac, w ith som e e ve n dow nrigh t
Eve r notice d th at w h e ne ve r som e sort of incide nt pol ite . Th e n again, m ost are not. Th is is not aim e d
invol ving a drive r and a non-m otorist is m e ntione d, at bash ing non drive rs or saying pe de strians and
it's alw ays th e pe rson be h ind th e w h e e lw h o is “at bicycl ists are m al e vole nt l ittle prick s. Al lI'm ask ing
faul t”?Sure , th is can be true , and unfortunate l y a is th at in a syste m de signe d for cars, th ose w ith
large num be r of accide nts and cl ose cal ls are fe w e r or no w h e e l s re spe ct th e rul e s of th e road,
cause d by drive r inatte ntion, but th is is far from or, at th e ve ry l e ast, pay a l ittle atte ntion.
th e onl y, and e ve n farth e r from th e m ost l ik e l
y ● ● ●
 Ne w s storie s
from th e ye ar 2020
High School Student Dies of Boredom
EUGENE-- Pol ice W e dne sday be gan an inve stigation w e nt on a w e e k -l ong binge in m y Engl ish
on th e de ath of a 16-ye ar-ol d boy w h o w as found cl ass— e ve rybody in th e room w as re ading Pl ato,
de ad by h is pare nts in th e ir South H il ls h om e . Th e e ve n th e te ach e r.”
boy, ide ntifie d as South Euge ne H igh Sch ool Anoth e r stude nt says h e ofte n fal l
s asl e e p in
stude nt Dil lon Scott, w as sl um pe d ove r a de sk , cl asse s as a de fe nse against bore dom . “W h e n I
lying on top of Aristotl e ’s Nicom ach e an Eth ics. sle e p, th e de ath rays can’t ge t m e ,” h e said,
Corone rs de cl are d h is de ath th e first re corde d appe aring to be in a state of q ue stionabl e m e ntal
incide nce of De ath by Bore dom . “H is brain appe ars soundne ss. “Th e m inute you start conce ntratin’,
to h ave im pl ode d spontane ousl y,” said County th at’s w h e n th e y GETCH A!” H e said furth e r th at
Corone r Jim bo Unde rh il l. “It se e m s l ik e l
y from th e w h ile h e trie s to avoid th e de ath rays by sl e e ping,
e vide nce th at th e book h e w as re ading at th e tim e h e is ofte n aw ak e ne d by th e crue ll augh te r of h is
is to bl am e .” cl assm ate s and pe e r-pre ssure d into doing h is w ork .
Th e boy’s pare nts w e re out of tow n at th e tim e of Pol ice inve stigating th e sce ne h ad to be e spe cial ly
h is de ath , but cal le d an am bul ance im m e diate l y cautious w ith th e book , so as not to e ndange r th e ir
upon discove ring h is l im p form . “If I h ad k now n ow n l ive s. O ne brave office r w h o atte m pte d to
th at h e w as re ading Aristotl e , th e re ’s no w ay I re ad th e ancie nt te xt re porte d im m e diate
w oul d h ave l e t h im continue to go to th at dam ne d sym ptom s: bl urry vision, fol low e d by se ve re h e ad
h igh sch ool !” said Bil l Scott, th e boy’s fath e r, pains. “It w as just so incre dibl y boring. I fe l tl ik e
re fe rring to South Euge ne , a notoriousl y pro-stre ss m y h e ad w as be ing crush e d in a vise ,” said th e
institution. “And I absol ute ly bl am e h is te ach e rs office r, w h o al so ask e d to re m ain anonym ous.
for h is de ath ! W h e n I find out w h o force d th is “W h at th e pol ice office r e xpe rie nce d w as probabl y
dange rous infl ue nce on our son, I’m going to ring w h at Scott fe l t m inute s be fore h is de ath ,” said
h is (e xpl e tive ) ne ck !” De te ctive s, too, bl am e d Unde rh il l. “If th e office r in q ue stion h ad continue d
South ’s dange rousl y bore dom -h e avy curricul um as re ading, th e re ’s no te l ling th at h e , too, w oul dn’t
al ik e l
y cause of de ath . “W h e n k ids are in th at k ind h ave die d or w orse .”
of e nvironm e nt, it’s h ard not for th e m to fal lin South Engl ish te ach e r Z ach ary Ste w art w as
w ith a bad crow d. In m y vie w , th e re ’s just no ne e d arre ste d and ch arge d w ith m ansl augh te r in th e
for th is k ind of trage dy. Nobody h as th e righ t to se cond de gre e . “W e are pl e ase d to re port th at th is
force our ch il dre n to le arn against th e ir w il l,” said dange rous individualh as be e n brough t to justice .
private inve stigator Lars O l se n. W e sim pl y cannot l e t h im go on corrupting our
O ne South Euge ne stude nt, w h o re q ue ste d to youth l ik e th is,” said O l se n of Ste w art. “H ad I
re m ain anonym ous, tol d Inconspicuous th e k now n th at th is w as com ing,” Ste w art com m e nte d,
h e artbre ak ing story of h e r fal lto h om e w ork abuse . “I w oul d h ave gone to Ash l and, w h e re th e y
“I starte d h anging out w ith th e w rong crow d. Th e appre ciate inte l l
e ctuals. I h ope th e pe opl e of
k ind of k ids w h o go to al lth e ir cl asse s and h ang Euge ne do not m ak e th e sam e m istak e tw ice .”
around th e l ibrary afte r sch ool doing h om e w ork . Inconspicuous re al l
y h as no ide a w h at th e h e l lh e
O ne day, I saw m y frie nds studying for a cal culus w as tal k ing about, but it l ik e l
y h as to do w ith
te st, and I ask e d w h at th e y w e re doing. Th e y Gre e k ph il osoph y, or som e th ing. H e is curre ntl y
ask e d if I w ante d to try, so I did. Afte r th at, I w as h eld in th e Lane County Jail , w h e re h e aw aits trial .
h ook e d. I trie d h istory, Spanish , al lk inds of th ings, Both pre viousl y m e ntione d South Euge ne stude nts
but m y favorite is Pl ato. I can’t ge t e nough of it, w illappe ar as w itne sse s in th e trial , w h e re a guil ty
and m y te ach e rs onl y e ncourage m e . O ne tim e , I ve rdict is e xpe cte d. ● ● ●
 Ad vice th atactual
ly m atte rs!
H e y Ge rtrude , divorce . Divorce — m om m y and daddy bre ak ing
I've al w ays tak e n an inte re st in olde r and e cce ntric up— bre ak s th e ir h e arts and th e ir m inds. Dam age is
m e n, h ow e ve r I find m yse lf in both an e th icaland done th at cannot be e asil y fixe d, cannot be h e l pe d
e m otional dil e m m a. Th e curre nt obje ct of m y com pl e te l
y at th at age . Th e y w il l h ave pe rsonal
affe ctions and fantasie s is a m arrie d m an, 30 ye ars issue s and struggl e s th at ch ase th e m th e re st of
ol de r th an m yse l f and w ith tw o gorge ous ch il dre n. th e ir live s. So unde rstand th at if… if you ch oose to
I've w ork e d w ith h im for about 7 m onth s, and in se duce th is m an you risk causing a divorce th at
th at tim e h ave com e to re spe ct h im as a m e ntor, coul d inte nse ly (and ne gative l y) affe ct th e l ive s of
but I find h im re m ark abl y attractive in e ve ry w ay. th ose tw o innoce nt ch il dre n.
W e both h ave ve ry sim il ar passions, and h e is Eve n l ook ing at th e situation from a se l fish se l f-
e ve ryth ing I w oul d w ant in m y pe rfe ct m an. W e ce nte re d pe rspe ctive , dam age coul d be done to
fl irt, and I suspe ct th at it coul d be possibl e for m e you. You are w riting be cause you are in “an e th ical
to se duce h im , but I w onde r w h e th e r I'd re gre t it. and e m otionaldil e m m a”— not e ve ryth ing is righ t in
W h at sh oul d I do? th is situation, you can te l l , or e lse I w oul d not h ave
--M aybe M istre ss re ce ive d th is l e tte r. You h ave doubts. And th ose
doubts re ve alan unce rtainty (ye s?) about be ing a
H e y Mistre ss, m istre ss. You can be gre atl y h urt e m otional ly from
H e ’s e ve ryth ing you w ant?H e ’s m arrie d. Th e m e re be ing a m istre ss if you h ave q ual m s about th e act
fact th at you are not (cl e arl y) dre am ing about of h e l ping som e one ch e at. Pe rh aps you sim pl y fe e l
be ing a m istre ss as th e e pitom e of your fantasy (al re ady) th at th e path is som e w h at im m oral .
re lationsh ip sh ow s th at th is m arrie d m an is, Pe rh aps one day you w il lm e e t h is w ife , find h e r to
inde e d, not e ve ryth ing you w ant. If h e w e re , h e be q uite a sw e e t w om an— and you w il lfe e lguil ty.
w oul d be singl e , in th e ve ry l e ast, so k e e p in m ind Pe rh aps you do not k now your stance on th e m atte r
th at w h il e h e is al m ost pe rfe ct, h e is not pe rfe ct and th us ask for advice . So you ask m e to h e l p
for you. In fact, h e sounds l ik e a h um an be ing, and ope rate th e stopl igh t at th is inte rse ction in l ife . If I
re gardl e ss of se x god status, e ve ry h um an h as w rite “h e sounds gre at— sl e e p w ith h im ,” w oul d
im pe rfe ctions— your fath e r age crush incl ude d. you?If I say sl e e ping w ith h im is m oral , w oul d you
Now , th is l urve ly sounding spe cim e n h as al re ady agre e ?W h at are your vie w s on be ing a m istre ss?If
continue d h is l ine (h ope ful ly w h ich w il l grow you k now or suspe ct th at any ounce of you finds
am az ing m e n or w om e n l ik e th e ir fath e r). Th is fact th e taste of be ing a m istre ss distaste ful , I advise
m ay onl y be an inconve nie nt truth for you and your against proce e ding w ith th is ol de r m an— it w il le nd
inte re st, but th ink about th e com pl ications and up ripping you to pie ce s. Sh ortl y, th e price w oul d
im pl ications. Le ts say your dre am boy (or rath e r, be too h igh .
m an) starts sl e e ping w ith you, fal ls in l ove w ith If you h ave no q ual m s about be ing a m istre ss, stil l
you, e ve n l e ave s h is w ife for you— a pe rfe ct path m ore issue s m ust be ch e w e d ove r. Re gardl e ss of
for onl y tak ing you into conside ration. But say you m aturity, re gardl e ss of h ow sim il ar you tw o are ,
are am az ing e nough th at h e doe s l e ave h is w ife . At th e re is one vital diffe re nce — age . I am not
be st, h e is such an am az ing m an w h o w oul d stay pre se nting th e vie w of cradl e -robbing or th at doing
ne arby and h e l p raise h is k ids. But studie s h ave som e th ing w ith such an ol de r m an is im m oral .
prove n th at th e route in a ch il d’s l ife grow ing up Me re l y, you h ave e igh te e n ye ars of e xiste nce , of
th at h arm s th e ir psych e th e m ost (l e aving out such e xpe rie nce ; h e h as forty-e igh t. And th at diffe re nce
te rribl e e ve nts as m ol e station and attack ) is in e xpe rie nce s can fue ldiffe re nce s th at onl y com e
cl e ar w ith close k now l e dge , w ith intim acy. H e gre w m anipul ative bastard--you suspe ct you coul d be d
up w ith th e w ar in Vie tnam , you Iraq . Th e tim e s h im if you trie d?Th ink about it. Coul d you?Do you
w e re diffe re nt and cause diffe re nt w orl dvie w s, k now you coul d? Pe rh aps h e is sim pl y a fl irt and
diffe re nt pe rspe ctive s, e ve n am ong sim il ar unaw are of th e crush . If you m ak e a m ove on h im
th ink e rs. Age diffe re nce s sim ply e xist. and h e is not inte re ste d, im agine th e e ffe cts. H e is
Anoth e r e ffe ct of th at age diffe re nce is th at, your supe rior— if in noth ing e l se , h e h as m ore
h one stl y, you are a bit naïve . You do not k now e xpe rie nce th e re . If h e is conce rne d for h im se lf (or
e ve ryth ing, e spe cial ly com pare d to h im . I am not pe rh aps for you), you coul d l ose your job. Is th e
tal k ing m e re l
y about sch ool ing or w ork e xpe rie nce be ne fit w orth th e risk ? H ow m uch of a risk is
but re l ationsh ip e xpe rie nce . And th at l e ave s th e se ducing h im ?
ch ance th at, re al ly, h e is th e one se ducing you w ith O nly you h ol d th e answ e rs.
flirting, w ith sligh t e ncourage m e nts, w ith H ow e ve r, m y advice is sim pl e — if you e ve n h old any
m anipul ating you to start th e affair. And pe rh aps doubts about any of th e answ e rs, do not proce e d.
h e h as be e n inte re ste d in you from th e be ginning, To do so w il lh arm you and badl y.
h as pre se nte d w h o h e is in an atte m pt to be d you.
Pe rh aps h e is not w h o you th ink h e is. Pe rh aps if W ith conce rn,
you go th rough w ith th is, h e w il luse you and th row Ge rtrude
you aw ay. Do not tak e th is as an attack on h is
ch aracte r— I do not k now h im . Th at is sim pl y a Se nd Ge rtrude your q ue stions!
possibil ity— one you sh oul d be aw are of. W rite to inconspicuouslit@ gm ail .com .
So l e ts go on assum ing h e is not a h orny

De ar R e ad e rs
Inconspicuous is an inde pe nde nt publ ication. Th is m e ans
th at e ach issue w e print com e s straigh t from th e
contributors' pock e tbook s.
Ple ase , do your part and pass th is issue on to som e one
else . O r le ave it som e w h e re , w e l
l, inconspicuous, for its
ne xt re ade r to find.
Th ank you for your h e l p k e e ping us al
ive !
-- Th e Inconspicuous Staff

Inconspicuous is proudl
y produce d and publ
ish e d w ith ope n source softw are .