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165 Good Roasts That Burn So Bad

A good roast among friends makes for a savage good time.

Best Life

By Dana Schulz, Carrie Weisman

Sep 16, 2024

The Dean Martin Celebrity Roast premiered back in 1974. It stayed on the air
for 10 years and still remains one of the most popular television shows of all
time. Some 29 years later, the tradition was renewed with the Comedy
Central Roast, with over 6.4 million viewers tuning in for its most popular
episode. If the networks haven't made it obvious enough, we'll make it clear:
Everyone loves a good roast. After all, a good comeback gives you clout and
lends itself to a fun, friendly exchange. And, of course, roasts are a great way
to put a pin in any conversation you don't feel like carrying on any further. If
you need some help getting started, check out the list below. We collected
some fresh material to help you roast your good friends really bad.

The Six Triple Eight

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RELATED: 110 Funny Insults to Roast Everyone in Your Life.

Jump Ahead
Best Roasts for All the Haters

Brutal Roasts That Hurt

Absolutely Savage Roasts

Roasts to Use for Comebacks

Funny Roasts for Your Enemies

Good Roasts for Girls

Roasts That Rhyme

Best Roasts for All the Haters

Best Life

1. This will be the first and last roast of the night, as we've already used up
your entire vocabulary.

2. It seems like you were probably a slippery baby, right?

3. Sorry, I can't think of an insult dumb enough for you to understand.

4. Whenever you open your mouth, it's like, "Whoa, somebody took too
many drugs this morning."

5. I know it looks like I'm listening to you, but really I'm just visualizing
duct tape over your mouth.

6. The only way you'd get hurt from doing exercise would be if you sprained
your finger changing the channel.

7. You're not stupid, you just have bad luck when thinking.

8. You have your entire life to be an idiot. Why not take today off?

9. You're not the dumbest person in the world, but you better hope they
don't die.

10. There's somebody out there for everybody. For you, it's a psychiatrist.

11. I'm sorry that my brutal honesty inconvenienced your ego.

12. Every time I have a stick in my hand, you start looking more and more
like a piñata.

13. Stupidity isn’t a crime, so you’re free to go.

14. I consider you my sun. Now please get 93 million miles away from here.

15. You must have been born on a highway because that's where most
accidents happen.

16. Why don't you go play in traffic?

17. Right now, you are as useful as a soup sandwich.

18. Mirrors can't talk. Lucky for you, they can't laugh, either.

19. I've seen salads that dress better than you.

20. Your biscuit's not quite done in the middle.

21. You changed your mind? Does this one work any better?

22. You don't need to fear success. There is really nothing for you to worry
about.

23. I have 90 billion nerves, and you've gotten on every single one of them.

24. I’d say you’re dumb as a rock, but at least a rock can hold a door open.

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Brutal Roasts That Hurt

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25. I've been called worse things by better men.

26. I didn't mean to push your buttons, I was just looking for mute.

27. I forgot the world revolves around you. My apologies! How silly of me.

28. I'd rather treat a baby's diaper rash than have lunch with you.

29. I would smack you, but I'm against animal abuse.

30. I gave out all my trophies a while ago, but here's a participation award.

31. It's all about balance… you start talking, I stop listening.

32. If you were any more inbred, you'd be a sandwich.

33. I would call you an idiot, but it would be an insult to stupid people.

34. Are you at a loss for words, or did you exhaust your entire vocabulary?

35. Accidents happen; the proof is sitting right there.

36. You bring everyone so much joy… when you leave the room.

37. You're like a gray sprinkle on a rainbow cupcake.

38. Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.

39. No, that's fine. You're certainly entitled to your incorrect opinion.

40. You are more disappointing than an unsalted pretzel.

41. I can't wait to spend my whole life without you.

42. Rolling your eyes isn't going to help you find your brain.

43. Why do you look like an envelope with no address on it?

44. If I wanted to hurt myself, I would simply jump from your ego to your
IQ.

45. Do yourself a favor and ignore anyone who tells you to be yourself. It's a
bad idea in your case.

46. I don't hate you, but if you were drowning, I would give you a high five.

47. Everyone has a purpose in this life, and yours is to become an organ
donor.

48. It is better to keep your mouth shut and let people think you're stupid
than open it and remove all doubt.

49. Did you know your incubator had tinted windows? It was the only way to
get your parents to take you home.

50. Just remember, if anyone ever tells you that you're beautiful… they're
lying.

51. You can be anything you want. Except good-looking.

52. You're the reason God created amnesia.

53. I'd take a photo of you, but I don't want a virus on my phone.

54. You should carry a plant around with you to replace the oxygen you
waste.

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Absolutely Savage Roasts

Best Life

55. A glow stick has a brighter future than you. Lasts longer, too.

56. If you ever need to find higher ground, you can always try climbing up
your own ego.

57. Have you ever tried not being an idiot?

58. You're like a cloud. When you disappear, it suddenly becomes a beautiful
day.

59. You’re about as useful as a screen door on a submarine.

60. If laughter really is the best medicine, your face might just cure the
world's deadliest diseases.

61. You look like something that came out of a slow cooker.

62. I was thinking about you today. It reminded me to take out the trash.

63. You have so many gaps in your teeth it looks like your tongue is in jail.

64. I was going to make a joke about your life, but I see life beat me to the
punch.

65. Oops, my bad. I could've sworn I was dealing with an adult.

66. It would be a great day if you accidentally used a glue stick instead of a
Chapstick.

67. It's the parent's job to raise their children right. So, looking at you, it's
obvious that they quit after just one day.

68. I believe you can achieve anything. Look around; there are plenty of
dumb people out there who you could aspire to be.

69. If ignorance is bliss, you must be the happiest person on the planet.

70. I bet I could remove 90 percent of your good looks with a moist
towelette.

71. You're like the human version of athlete's foot—annoying and hard to get
rid of.

72. It must be fun to wake up each morning knowing that you are that much
closer to achieving your dreams of complete and utter mediocrity.

73. You have the perfect face for radio.

74. You were so happy about testing negative for COVID… we didn't have the
heart to tell you it was actually an IQ test.

75. Tell me something… if I didn't answer you the first time, what makes you
think the next 25 attempts will work?

76. I am jealous of people who have never met you.

77. Oh, you're talking to me? I thought you only did that behind my back.

78. Most mistakes can be corrected. You are the exception to the rule.

79. It is hilarious how you are trying to fit your entire vocabulary into one
sentence.

80. I suggest you do a little soul-searching. You might actually find one.

81. I know I make a lot of stupid choices, but hanging out with you was the
worst one of all.

82. We were going to roast you, but apparently, burning trash is an

environmental hazard.

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Argument.

Roasts to Use for Comebacks

Best Life

83. Where is your off button?

84. I know you don't like me, and that implies you need better taste.

85. I'd give you a nasty look, but it seems like you've already got one.

86. The jerk store called, and they're running out of you.

87. Your birth certificate should be rewritten as a letter of apology

88. You haven't changed since the last time I saw you. You really should.

89. Your bad personality is the reason I prefer animals to humans.

90. You hear that? It's the sound of me not caring.

91. I might be fully vaccinated, but I'm still not going to hang out with you.

92. You're so annoying, you could make a Happy Meal cry.

93. Oh, sorry, did the middle of my sentence interrupt the beginning of
yours?

94. You know, you're just not pretty enough to have such an ugly
personality.

95. You're about as sharp as a rubber ball.

96. You just might be why the middle finger was invented in the first place.

97. You have a face that makes onions cry.

98. Have a nice day… somewhere else.

99. You do realize we're just tolerating you, right?

100. Were you born this stupid, or did you take lessons?

101. It's really fun watching you try to understand everything that's being said
about you.

102. I don’t have the patience or the crayons to explain this to you.

103. You are even more useless than the 'ueue' in queue.

104. The real heroes in this world are the ones who have to live with you.

105. Somewhere out there, a tree is producing oxygen for you. What a shame.

106. Everyone is allowed to act stupid once in a while, but you're really
abusing the privilege.

107. I was today years old when I realized I didn't like you.

108. I'm not a nerd; I'm just smarter than you.

109. If I had a dollar every time you shut up, I would give it back as a thank
you.

110. I didn't mean to offend you… but I'll take it as an additional perk.

111. I don't want to rain on your parade. I want to summon a typhoon.

112. You can't imagine how much happiness you can bring… by leaving the
room.

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Funny Roasts for Your Enemies

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113. You're the reason this country has to put directions on shampoo bottles.

114. How many licks 'till I get to the interesting part of this conversation?

115. Are you doing OK today? You look like the guy in the zombie movie
who's been bitten but is trying to keep it quiet.

116. When I look at you, I wish I could meet you again for the first time… and
walk past.

117. I'm listening. I just need a minute to process so much stupid information
at once.

118. You're like a software update. Every time I see you, I immediately think
'not now.'"

119. Don't worry… the first 40 years of childhood are always the hardest.

120. It's impossible to underestimate you.

121. If I throw a stick, will you chase it? I really want out of this conversation.

122. You're the reason gene pools need lifeguards.

123. I don't know what makes you so stupid, but it's really doing the job.

124. The truth will set you free. You're the worst. OK, you're free to go.

125. Do you think your parents realize that they're living proof that two
wrongs don't make a right?

126. Give me a minute; I'm trying to think of an insult simple enough for you
to understand!

127. Congratulations on being the top of the bell curve.

128. I've heard a smarter statement come out in a fart.

129. I look at you and think… two billion years of evolution for this?

130. I told my therapist about you. She didn't believe me.

131. Don't be ashamed of who you are. That's a job for your parents.

132. When I listen to you, I think you really are going to go far. I hope you
stay there.

133. When I see you coming, I get pre-annoyed. I figure it's smart to give
myself a head start.

134. Whoever told you to be yourself gave you bad advice.

135. I think you just need a high five… in the face… with a chair.

136. When I look at you, I think to myself where have you been my whole life?
And can you go back there?

137. Light travels faster than sound. It explains why you seemed smart… until
I finally heard you speak.

138. Your secrets are always safe with me. I don't even listen when you share
them.

139. When God made you, you must have been on the bottom of his "to-do"
list.

140. Everyone brings happiness to a room. I bring happiness when I walk in,
and you bring happiness when you leave.

141. I want to help you out. Which way did you come in?

142. Sweetheart, the only thing bothering me is that thing between your ears.

143. We were happily married for one month. Unfortunately, we've been
married for 10 years.

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Good Roasts for Girls

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144. I know why you put on makeup every day: to escape reality.

145. Hurting you is the last thing I want to do… but it's still on the list.

146. You're so fake, Barbie might actually be jealous.

147. Maybe you should try eating makeup to improve that ugly personality.

148. You are the human version of cramps.

149. I like the way you comb your hair. It's impressive how you're able to hide
the horns.

150. If you're going to be two-faced, at least make one of them pretty.

151. You have such a beautiful face, but let's put a bag over that personality.

152. You're not simply a drama queen. You're the whole royal family.

153. I'm not an astronomer, but I'm pretty sure the Earth revolves around the
sun… not you.

154. Where do you get your hair done? I need to know where not to go.

155. My life may be a joke, but it's not as funny as your outfit.

156. I bet your pH level is 14. Basic.

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Roasts That Rhyme

Best Life

157. Everybody knows that you're stupid… thought you could fall in love
because you saw a fake Cupid.

158. I'm not trying to make fun of you, but you can't even count higher than
number two.

159. Roses are red, violets are blue, so many people are pretty, but what
happened to you?

160. It's not my fault that everyone's opinion is that I'm pretty cool and you're
just a minion.
 just a minion.

161. Poof be gone, your breath is too strong, I don't want to be mean, but you
need Listerine.

162. Don't feel bad, don't feel blue, Frankenstein was ugly too.

163. If I were a dog and you were a flower, I'd lift my leg up and give you a
shower.

164. Roses are red, monsters are green, look in the mirror, you'll see what I
mean.

165. I'm the type of person to laugh at mistakes, so sorry if I laugh at your
face.

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