Communication

theory and listening

skills
Objective

To learn how to effectively communicate with individuals of all ages.

Explanation

Participants will acquire a fundamental understanding of the

communication process in effective and meaningful interpersonal

relationships by involvement in group discussion and activities that will

facilitate the development of personal skills in:

1. Communication Process

a. What Communication Is

b. Five Levels of Communication

c. The Conversation-angle of Communication

d. Barriers to Effective Speech

e. Rules for Effective Speaking

2. Active Listening

a. The Listening Angle of Communication

b. Barriers to Effective Listening

c. Effective methods of Listening

d. Rules for Effective Listening

e. Solving Conflicts

3. Feedback

a. Feedback as the Process of Providing Information

b. Two Distinct Types of Feedback

c. Getting Help from Feedback

d. When Feedback Can Best Be Given

e. When Feedback Can Best Be Received

f. How to More Effectively Give and Receive Feedback

g. Feedback Process

h. The Feedback Model

Possible information to be presented:

1. COMMUNICATION PROCESS

WHAT COMMUNICATION IS
We often assume that if someone’s lips are moving, communication is taking place. It involves more
than talking. It is the receiving or listening process, as well. To this twofold process we should add a
third dimension–understanding. Frequently we think we understand what someone is saying, but
what we hear is not what she/he meant. We want other people to listen to and understand what we
have to say.

FIVE LEVELS OF COMMUNICATION

In his book, Why Am I Afraid to Tell You Who I Am? author John Powell describes five levels on which
we can communicate. Understanding these five levels is essential.

Level 1-Small Talk. At this level shallow conversation takes place, such as, “How are you?” “What
have you been doing?” “How are things going?” Such conversation borders on the meaningless, but
it can sometimes be better than embarrassed silence. When communication remains on this level, it
is boring and leads to frustration and resentment in relationships.

Level 2-Factual Conversation. At this level information is shared, butthere are no personal comments
along with it. You tell what has happened but do not reveal how you feel about it. Men are more apt
to settle for this level than women, as they are often less able to express their feelings.

Level 3-Ideas and Opinions. Real intimacy begins here, for on this level you risk exposing your own
thoughts, feelings, and opinions. Because you feel free to express yourself and verbalize personal
ideas, your partner has a better chance to know you intimately.

Level 4-Feelings and Emotions. Communication at this level describes what is going on inside you,
how you feel about someone else or a situation. You verbalize feelings of frustration, anger,
resentment, or happiness. If you honestly share with someone else in a give-and-take manner,
showing interest in his/her feelings, as well as in expressing your own, this will enrich and enlarge
your relationship. You will feel worthy, noticed, loved, and appreciated. You will gain flashes of
insight into your friend’s character that will give you real understanding of how she/he thinks and
feels. A good combination is to alternate between the levels of ideas/opinions and
feelings/emotions.

Level 5-Deep Insight. Rare insightful moments will occur when you are perfectly in tune with another
in understanding, depth, and emotional satisfaction. Usually a peak experience or something deeply
personal is related. Communication about such experiences often makes a deep impression on both
parties and enriches the relationship. Mutual sharing of personal ideas and feelings is the ultimate
goal in communication, especially in mental relationships.

GROUP DISCUSSION

1. What level of communication occurs in your relationships now?

2. Do you want and need a deeper and more intimate sharing?

The Conversation-angle of Communication

We spend approximately 70 percent of our waking hours in communication–speaking, listening,

reading, or writing. Thirty-three percent of this time is devoted to talking. This element of our time
becomes very important, for talk brings people together in a relationship.

The avenue of speech goes beyond the exchange of words or information. Through talking we can
express our feelings, convey our emotions, clarify our thinking, reinforce our ideas, and make contact
with others. It is a pleasant way of passing time, getting to know one another, releasing tension, and
expressing opinions. The most basic function of speaking, then, is not the giving of information but
the establishing of a relationship with others. The quality of this relationship will depend a great deal
on the ability of both persons to express themselves verbally.

Barriers to Effective Speech

The solution sender weighs down his speech with orders, directions, and commands. “Get over
here.” “Hurry up.” Warning and threats comprise more solutions. “If you ever do that again, I’ll...”
Another is moralizing. “Don’t you know enough not to...” Most of us resent being told that we must,
should, or had better do something.

Many of us resort to put-downs in spite of the fact that we know what it feels like to be put down.
Putdowns judge, criticize, and blame: “That’s not a bad idea, considering you thought of it.” They
name, ridicule, and shame: “You’re a slob.” They interpret, diagnose, and psychoanalyze: “You only
say that because...” They attempt to teach and instruct.

Then there is the corrector. For example, while the club member tells a story to friends, his leader
helps him keep the facts straight: “We left on Wednesday night...” “No, I think it was Thursday night
just before the holiday.” “OK, we left Thursday right after we got home from school.” “No, it was late
that evening when we got away.” “Well, anyway... oh, you tell it...” “No, you’re doing fine.” A
corrector has a compulsion to concentrate on proper reporting. Such remarks are often attempts
todraw attention to self, and they show a lack of sensitivity in allowing someone else to tell a story
the way one perceives and remembers it. The monologuer has the compulsive need to talk and
frequently insists on having the last word. She/he can’t bear to be corrected and so maintains a
know-it-all attitude. Often monologuers have a desperate need to be popular, but the more they
monopolize conversations, the more they bore others and cut themselves off from forming close
attachments.

The silent treatment uses silence as a weapon or a form of control. When a male is silent, strong
emotions, such as fear or anger, are building up inside. A female usually uses silence to get even for
some injustice done to her or when she reaches the stage of total despair and desperation. The silent
treatment may be given because one person refused to listen last time, or the silent one may be
suffering from a deep hurt. Some Christians feel it isn’t right for people to say what they feel, but
bottling up emotions takes its toll—physically, mentally, and spiritually.

Rules for Effective Speaking

1. Choose the right time to communicate. Your subject may be well-taken, but your timing may be
off. If you have something personal from levels three or four to share, don’t unload just as your
friend walks in. If you want to talk with your friend in an intimate way, select a time when your friend
can respond pleasantly.

2. Develop a pleasant tone of voice. It isn’t always what you say, but how you say it that counts. It is
soothing to be around someone with a soft, calm voice. Make sure you are easy to listen to.

3. Be leacr nd apecsific. Many misunderstandings arise from muddled talk. Try to think as you speak,
and state clearly what you mean. You can solve the problem of muddled communication by making
“a statement of intent”. For example, “I would like to invite the Browns over for dinner Sunday. Do
you mind?”

4. Be positive. In many homes, 80% of all communication is negative. These families become so used
to hearing fault-finding, blaming, judging, name-calling, and other negative elements that such
behavior becomes normal. Be less negative and more positive and appreciative.

5. Be courteous and respectful of the other person’s opinion. You can do this even when you don’t
agree. Care as much about their comfort as you do about your own, and be willing to listen. You
should talk no more than 50% of the time.

6. Be sensitive to the needs and feelings of the other person. Develop patience and sensitivity in
responding to what your friend says. If your friend hurts, you can understand the hurt and even hurt
with him/her. Tune into the needs and feelings of fear, anger, despair, and anxiety of your friend.
Likewise, if your friend is happy over a new development, enjoy that happiness with him/her.

7. Develop the art of conversation. Conversation is an art, and opportunities to develop it should be
encouraged. Discussion on interesting topics enriches a relationship.
2. Active listening The Listening Angle of Communication “Faulty listening,” says one psychoanalyst,
“is usually at the root of most communication problems. Sometimes it merely causes annoyance or
irritation. But when a person is talking about something important, trying to get a problem resolved,
or seeking emotional support, poor listening can have disastrous results.” Yet, most of us prefer to
talk rather than listen. We enjoy expressing our ideas and telling what we knowand how we feel
about things. We expend more energy expressing our own thoughts rather than giving full attention
when others are expressing theirs. Listening seems like such a simple thing to do, yet, most of us are
poor listeners because listening is actually hard work.

Barriers to Effective Listening

The bored listener has heard it all before. When someone rehashes complaints about his job, you
may think, “Here we go again,” and put your brain in neutral. But on the rare occasion when they say
something new and look to you for support and encouragement, they probably won’t get it.

A selective listener picks out bits and pieces of conversation that interest him and rejects the rest.
For instance, you may be doing something while your friend is talking. Most of what they say goes in
one ear and out the other, but when they mention something that vitally affects you, you become all
ears. Other people do not want to hear anything disagreeable, upsetting, or different. We do not gain
anything by rejecting what we do not wish to hear. In many situations we need all the facts in order
to make a decision.

Defensive listeners take everything someone says to them as a personal attack, twisting the
intention and meaning of the speaker’s words.

Those who interrupt spend their time forming a reply to what they hear; they do not pay close
attention to what is being said. Interested only in their own ideas, they pay little attention to the
words of others and wait only for a split second when they can break in with, “Oh, that’s nothing.
You should hear what...” Or, “That reminds me of...”

Effective Methods of Listening

Emphasis on effective listening is not new, but until recently more emphasis has been placed on the
ability and willingness to speak freely than on effective listening. Today, however, some schools
teach listening skills along with the “three Rs.” Corporations are encouraging employees to take
certain courses to improve their listening skills. Family counselors are teaching people to listen within
the family circle.

Following are some techniques suggested by a collection of experts to help you and your friends
enhance your listening abilities.

Be alert to body language. We communicate by the spoken word, but we also communicate by what
we do not say. Fifty-five percent of what we communicate is expressed through facial expressions: a
pout, a sigh, a grimace, or a squint of the eyes. Such body language speaks louder than words. Other
nonverbal messages are caught through body postures or gestures– a nervoustapping of the foot,
tightly clenched teeth, or a motion of irritation. Such behavior patterns offer keys to feelings behind
the words and set up barriers before conversation begins.

Be a door-opener. A good listening technique is found in responding with a “door opener” or the
invitation to say more. These responses do not communicate any of your own ideas or feelings, yet
they invite your friend to share their thoughts. Some of the simplest “door openers” are: “I see.”
“You don’t say.” “Tell me more.” “I’d be interested in your point of view.” “Tell me the whole story.”
In this way you encourage the other person to talk and do not give the idea that you can hardly wait
to snatch the conversation away. They convey respect by implying: “I might learn something from
you. Your ideas are important to me. I am interested in what you have to say.”

Listen actively. “Deliberate listening” is the ability to process information, analyze it, recall it at a
later time and draw conclusions from it, but “active listening” hears the feelings of the speaker first
and processes information secondarily. Both deliberate and active listening skills are necessary in
effective communication, but listening with feeling is far more important in relationships.

Active listening is particularly useful when you sense your friend has a problem, such as anger,
resentment, loneliness, discouragement, frustration, or hurt. Your first reaction to such feelings may
be negative. You may want to argue, defend yourself, withdraw, or fight back.

However, in active listening you catch what has been said and then restate what you think the feeling
is, not the facts that have been stated.

Rules for Effective Listening

1. Maintain good eye contact. Focus your full

attention on your friend.

2. Sit attentively. For a few minutes act as if nothing

else in the world matters except hearing what

your friend has to say. Block all other distractions

from your mind. Lean forward in your chair.

3. Act interested in what you are about to hear.

Raise your eyebrows, nod your head, smile, or

laugh when appropriate.

4. Be attentive and listen with appropriate phrases

to show agreement, interest, and understanding.

Your friend wants to know that you understand

the ideas he or she is presenting. Try to think

through what is being said and fit it into your own

experience.

5. Ask well-phrased questions. Give encouragement

by asking questions that illustrate your interest.

6. Listen a little longer. Just when you think you are

through listening, listen a little bit more.

Personal Activity

1. Do you have a communication problem? During

the next week, focus your attention not on your

friends’ failures but on your own. Being aware

is only the first step. Next, set about to correct

the problem. And finally, follow through in an

attempt to upgrade your communication with

your friends. If you are uncertain whether a

problem exists, ask your friend what they dislike

the most about the way you talk or listen.

Solving Conflicts

Conflicts in relationships are inevitable. People view

things differently, and relationships would be very

dull if they didn’t. However, out of these differences

disagreements and conflicts arise that can result in

highly emotional states of frustration and anger.

People often view conflict with horror, believing it

threatens their relationships. This misconception causes

some to avoid conflict by refusing to acknowledge its

presence by running from it and by forcing feelings

underground. But ignoring conflicts does not solve

them. In fact, serious problems sometimes develop when

emotions are bottled up inside and are not released.

A few simple rules can lead to constructive problemsolving.

Choose the best time and place. It is best to keep

calm when handling conflicts, but if either of you is

angry or unreasonable, then postpone the discussion.

Don’t delay it for too long, however, and if your

friend does not bring up the issue again, then you

take the initiative to solve the problem. Guard against

unnecessary interruptions when discussing major issues.

Say it straight. State your feelings openly and

respectfully through the effective use of I-messages.

Speak directly, clearly, and concisely--without anger.

Include reasons why you feel the way you do. Explain

how you think the problem can be solved and what is

at stake. Speak calmly and in as controlled a manner as

possible, lowering your voice rather than raising it.

Stay on the subject. Stick with one problem until

you solve it. The more problems brought up at one time,

the less likely that any of them will be solved. Make a

rule that additional problems cannot be brought up until

the first one has been dealt with. Avoid dragging up old

scores and arguments. Agree that if the accusation is

more than six months old, it is inadmissible evidence.

Show respect. You may not agree with your friend’s position; in fact, you may be vehemently
opposed.

However, you should still respect his or her right to have an opinion. Here are some no-no’s: name-
calling, wild threats, put-downs concerning appearance or intelligence, physical violence, yelling and
interrupting.

Words spoken in anger can never be recalled. The effects of a threatening ultimatum or bitter
remarks cannot be reversed. Speak and listen with respect.

List possible solutions. When feelings have been described constructively and openly, you will see
the issues at stake and work out rational alternatives. Brainstorm every possible solution, regardless
of how far-fetched it may seem. But do not appraise them at this time.

Evaluate the solution. Once all available information has been aired, the two of you can make an
intelligent choice as to the course of action most likely to succeed.

Go back through the list and share thoughts on the consequences as you evaluate each solution.

Choose the most acceptable solution. Commit yourselves to choosing the solution closest to
meeting the needs of the one hurting the most. This choice may take a good measure of negotiation
and compromise.

Winning should not be the goal because where there is a winner there must also be a loser, and no
one likes to lose.

Solutions can be reached by one person yielding, by both compromising or by one giving in to the
other rather than either person just giving up. Take care to see that one of you does not always do
the yielding. It takes two to make a conflict and two to resolve it. Giving in to another in the midst of
conflict takes real maturity because in effect, you are admitting that your analysis of the situation
was wrong and that you are now ready to change your mind.

Implement the decision. Decide who is to do what, where, and when. Once you reach a decision,
remember that two persons often perceive agreements differently.

Only friendly negotiation can solve some conflicts. Often if one gives in, the other feels resentful and
may be in a very bad mood for the rest of the day, refusing to speak.

The other person can be just as stubborn.

Each feels justified in supporting his or her own decision. But does it really matter who is right and
who is wrong? Friends who care about each other should be able to work things out according to
how important each one considers his or her needs at the time. A solution can be reached more
easily when each person is willing to see the problem from the other person’s viewpoint.

When the Other Person Breaks the Rules:

Although you may try to avoid arguments, you will occasionally be drawn into them. When you see
onecoming, you can prevent it by following a simple formula. Rather than responding with words
that throw you into the heat of battle, choose not to argue.

If your friend reads something hostile into a perfectly legitimate request, choose not to argue but
state calmly and reasonably: “I’m sorry it sounded like that. What I meant to convey is that...”

If your friend has a special gift for sarcasm, tell him or her openly: “It hurts me to hear remarks like
that about me. I know that sometimes I can also say things that hurt you, but let’s try to avoid such
things in the future.”

If your friend is a faultfinder, don’t defend yourself.

Instead, take notes on your “sins”. When he or she has gotten everything in the open, say something
like this:
“OK, let’s go back to the first thing you mentioned. If

I’m really at fault here, I’m willing to talk it over with you. I’ll ask the same of you, too.”

When a friend makes a ridiculous exaggeration, rather than correcting the statement, try: “I know
this upsets you and that you feel it happens too often. I’ll try not to let it happen again.”

Unfair fighting techniques can destroy a relationship, but when your friend forgets and breaks the
rules, you can learn to stay reasonable. Choose not to argue, but calmly and quietly confront your
friend with the reality of the situation. With controlled aggression, reassert your own thoughts,
feelings, and convictions. You can avoid many potential arguments by choosing not to argue and by
responding in a reasonable, concerned, and tactful manner.

3. Feedback

Feedback is the process of providing information through which a person can discover the impact of
his or her actions and words on individuals or the group.

Since everyone’s behavior is their response to another person’s actions and words—as they interpret
them in light of their background, experience, attitudes, values, etc.—it is possible that they often
misunderstand or misinterpret your intentions toward them. There is no way we can truly know what
feelings we have aroused in the person unless they tell us. We may guess, but their feelings are
personal, deep inside, beyond our command.

You have no chance of changing what they feel unless the feelings are shared, prompting you to
change your behavior and communicate with them more closely your intended message. Without
feedback, a distortion between your intentions could grow into an unnecessary argument or
disagreement.

There are two distinct types or categories offeedback: unplanned and planned.

Unplanned feedback may emerge in a number of ways:

• Conscious – nodding assent

• Unconscious – nodding asleep

• Spontaneous – “Thanks a lot”

• Solicited – “Yes, it did help”

• Verbal – “No”

• Nonverbal – leaving the room

• Informal– hand-clapping

Planned feedback is provided through:

• Reflection he– roupgT ppoiants roacess observer who does not engage in the group task but
watches how the group goes about its task and for the impact of different actions by group
members. The group allows time for him or her to ask questions about things that seem significant.
The group reflects and discusses these situations as they wish.

• Self-analysis – Tape recorders or video tapes are used, and the person has an opportunity to hear
or see the impact of his behavior on others.

• Coaching – A fellow member observes another member in action and then coaches him or her on
how to be more effective.

• Personal feedback – This is most direct and effective if given with the intention of helping. A
number of guidelines have been developed to help in giving and receiving feedback.

Feedback Helps
• Reinforces ee–d back F ay monficrm ehavbior by encouraging its repetition. “You really helped
when you clarified.”

• Correction – Feedback can help bring behavior in line with intention. “It would have helped me
more if you had stood up to talk.”

• Identifies ee–d back F ay melp hdentify ersopns and their relationships. “Joe, I thought we were
enemies, but we’re not, are we?”

• Descriptive – It is descriptive rather than evaluative. By describing one’s own reaction, it leaves the
individual free to use information as he sees fit. By avoiding evaluative language, it reduces the need
for the individual to react defensively.

• Specific t s– peicisfiIc ather han t energal. o T be told that one is “dominating” will probably not be
as useful as to be told, “Just now when we were deciding the issue, you did not listen to what others
said, and I felt forced to accept your arguments or face attack from you.”

• Appropriate – It takes into account the needs of both persons, the one giving the feedback and the
one receiving it. Feedback can be destructive when it serves only our own needs and fails to consider
those of the other person.

• Usable – It is directed toward behavior that the receiver can do something about. Frustration is
only increased when a person is reminded of some short coming over which he has no control.

• Requested – It is solicited rather than imposed.

Feedback is most useful when the receiver has formulated the kind of question that those observing
can answer.

• Timely – It is well-timed. In general, feedback is most useful at the earliest opportunity after the
behavior (depending, of course, on the person’s readiness to hear it, support available from others,
etc.).

• Clear – It is checked to ensure clear communication. One way of doing this is to have the receiver
try to rephrase the feedback he or she has received to see if it corresponds to what the giver had in
mind.

• Accurate – When feedback is given in a training group, both giver and receiver have opportunity to
check with others in the group the accuracy of the feedback. Is this one person’s impression or an
impression that others in the group share? When Feedback can Best be Given

• In an atmosphere of trust where there is a warm relationship

• With concern for the other person as an individual

• In small bits

• By being sensitive to its reception

• When it is timely and appropriate

• As experience rather than supposition or interpretation

• When motivated by accepting, affectionate,

helpful impulses

• When t s ipeicisfic nd aerivdes rom f he troupg experience

• When it is kept within the group

• When it is requested and wanted

When Feedback can Best be Received

• When one is open and ready to receive it, as when it is requested

• When one is ready to change

• From a person who is respected by the receiver

• When ne’so ltersfi re aypasbsed s uachm s a

Possible• When one is least defensive

• When t s ieriifived y tbheros n hei troupg

• When one feels trusting of the group

• When it does not violate one’s personal integrity

• When one is free to reject it if they wish

• When it is truly meant to be helpful and not punitive

• When it is directed toward behavior one is able to change

• When it describes what the person is doing rather than placing a value upon it. For example–

“When you yell at me, it makes me feel that

I don’t want to talk to you anymore,” rather than–“It’s awful for you to yell at me.”

How to More Effectively Give and Receive Feedback

• Have deeper personal relationships

• Have more satisfying personal relationships

• Learn of one’s impact on others

• Increase the validity of one’s communication

• Align self-image with reality

• Become more open to new experiences

• Become more unique or differentiated as an individual

Final Thoughts

Helpful feedback requires a person to be aware and in control of his or her feelings. A model for
giving feedback is “When you... (state behavior), I feel...” This provides data for the other person or
group without arousing their defenses and leaves them free to deal with it as they choose.

Here are three more terms that can help you more clearly understand feedback and how to use it:

Leveling – Letting another person or persons know how I feel about myself. “I feel tired.” “I feel
bored.” “I feel happy.”

Confrontation – Letting another person or persons know how I feel about them. “I’m trying to be
helpful by explaining it.” “When you... I feel cut off.”

Encounter – A relationship of dialogue between persons in which both are leveling and confronting.

Group Activity Instructions: Study the series of rectangles below. With your back to the group, you
are to direct the participants in how they are to draw the figures. Begin with the top figure and
describe each in succession, taking particular note of the relationship of each to the preceding one.
No questions are allowed.

Instructions: Study the series of figures below. Facing the group, you are to direct the participants in
how theyare to draw the figures. Begin with the top figure and describe each in succession, taking
particular note of the relation of each to the preceding one. Answer all questions from participants
and repeat if necessary.