A General Theory of Love

Why do we fall in love with who we fall in love with?

What biological mechanisms make the magic of falling in love possible?
What is the secret of a harmonious and lasting relationship?
Doctors Lewis, Amini and Lannon, who have been scientifically examining the phenomenon of
love and human connection for decades, have answered these questions in A General Theory of
Love , an essential read that integrates the most recent findings from the social sciences,
neuroscience and evolutionary biology.
In this article, which summarizes the key points of this work, we are going to take a brief
journey through the enigmatic world of love, emotions and relationships. affective .
We will discover the mechanisms that guide our love choices, the body-mind changes that
occur during a relationship, why breakups activate a biological mechanism known as the
despair response (present in all mammals) … and what we can do about it. .
“The last step of reason is to recognize that there are an infinity of things that are beyond it” –
Blaise Pascal
Emotions, emotional ties and love are the roots of everything we do. Not in vain, these
products of our limbic brain have accompanied us for more than 100 million years.
Although we usually give supremacy to reason over the heart, the truth is that the prefrontal
cortex (seat of intellect and result of our latest brain evolution) constantly receives guidelines
from the limbic or emotional brain: the way we speak, plan, reason or abstract. They are
strongly influenced by what happens in our limbic centers.
Our actions and behaviors, as well as our cognitive processes, beat in time with emotionality…
and love.
Who guides your love choices?
Despite our emotional nature, love and relationships are still surrounded by mystery, passion
and drama.
Why is it so complicated for us? While some give in to thinking that love is a kind of puzzle,
everything seems to indicate that our love obstacles are the result of inertia . Although we
believe we own all our romantic choices, the truth is that our minds are programmed to
reproduce automated patterns.
Our loving behavior depends on our ideas about love, and these ideas about love are encoded
in our memory. Memories are experiences that our brain concentrates in dynamic networks of
neurons; Over time, these networks/memories evolve into a pattern.
Every time our love life experiences a new episode (positive or negative, it doesn't matter) the
brain touches the emotional chords and connects the past with the present. The neural
networks that store our memories are stimulated, the pattern is activated, we recover those
experiences... and we react automatically.
Whether we like it or not, our minds are loaded with inertia. And our relationships are
especially subject to this unconsciousness.
In short : your ideas about love are stored in your memory, and your memory is made up of
neural networks that condition your relationships.
What can you do about it?
Let's start by understanding how the brain stores information and forms memories. This is very
important.
Firstly, there is an explicit memory , which uses ordinary consciousness, that which consciously
records what we perceive and experience. If you memorize this phrase, you are using explicit
memory.
But there is also something called implicit memory , and the mark it leaves on your love life is
so colossal that you better start familiarizing yourself with it. Implicit memory does not use
reality, but rather stores information based on mechanisms that we still do not understand
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(intuition, revelations, natural intelligence, collective consciousness... or none of these, who
knows) . For example, your language is the result of a labyrinthine formation of phonological
and grammatical rules that you cannot explain but that, as a native speaker, you know and
know how to use. You can speak because your implicit memory allowed you to learn your
language.
And here comes the really shocking thing: you learned to love the same way you learned to
speak. It is our implicit memory that takes the reins of our sentimental life, conditioning our
behaviors and our choices. No matter how much you think this doesn't happen to you, science
has an arsenal of evidence that will surely get you out of the cotton candy land where your
limbic brain wants to keep you (in their book, doctors Lewis, Amini and Lannon compile several
dozen official studies).
Behind the brilliant analytical engine of reason and ordinary conscience there is a silent, hidden,
complex and unknown power that permeates everything we do, driving us to execute certain
actions without us knowing very well why. And it is this mysterious mechanism that guides our
love choices .
Our loving behavior is the result of acquired, learned, structured emotional patterns that work
by themselves without us having the slightest idea of how they do it.
Just as we acquired language implicitly, we learned to get excited and fall in love implicitly.
When Cupid shoots his arrow: falling in love and limbic resonance
Every time we meet someone, the limbic brain evaluates the nature of the other person's
intentions (aggressiveness, friendliness, coldness, sexual attraction...) . And from this
unconscious, immediate and secret analysis we can fall in love in a matter of seconds.
Once our limbic brain has read the other person's emotional state, it begins to play its melody:
it sends signals to the prefrontal cortex, and that's when we think things like “oh, how much I
like this person.” At the same time, limbic signals travel to premotor regions of the cortex (to
plan an appropriate action) , to the endocrine system (to modify the flow of stress hormones)
and the reptilian brain (to modify our cardiovascular function) .
That's right, we constantly detect the emotional state of others and make appropriate
physiological changes to match that state we observe and feel.
This biological mechanism is known as limbic resonance : a symphony of psychobiological
exchanges in which two mammals adapt to each other's emotional state. Our minds silently
reverberate, and this reverberation gently modifies our biological functions without us even
being aware of it.
This is very good news: we may fall in love implicitly and unconsciously, but the theory of limbic
resonance shows us that there is also a way to make this process illuminated by the light of our
consciousness.
If we learn to calm the neocortical chatter and allow the limbic sensoriality to capture the
emanations of the resonance that comes to us from the other person in a transparent and
undistorted way, the emotional melodies will begin to penetrate.
If we are present, fully present , we will connect with that person. As we allow this resonance,
we begin to experience part of the other's feelings, their particular way of walking through the
world. We find a meeting point, a common emotional territory.
The first piece to emotional connection is a mutual limbic recognition : having someone listen
to and capture our emotional essence while we are fully present to capture and recognize the
emotional essence of the other.
The roller coaster of relationships: limbic regulation and limbic revision
Imagine now that the limbic resonance has done a good job: after the first connection a love
relationship has emerged. The fairy tale has begun. Everything is brilliant and you have decided
to live together in a sweet little chocolate house.
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This is when certain body rhythms, called circadian rhythms, synchronize with the emotional
activity of your partner's limbic brain. Our neural architecture places emotional relationships at
the center of our lives, so it is not surprising that they have the power to stabilize our
psychophysiological processes.
We call this limbic regulation , which allows lovers to modulate each other's emotions, their
neurophysiology, hormonal status, mood, immune function, sleep rhythms...
That is, our minds seek to create harmony through limbic resonance, and our physiological
rhythms seek synchronization through limbic regulation... but there is even more. A lover can
change the limbic structure of his partner. Love literally transforms us: as we share a life as a
couple, mammals mutually shape our biology. We call this limbic review.
In short , in the face of the darkness of the implicit memory processes that guide our partner
choices, we have 3 biological mechanisms that help us create harmony, synchronization and
mutual transformation: resonance, regulation and limbic revision.
Is not it wonderful?
Breakup and separation
Now suppose that, despite all the good things about our relationship, our unconscious patterns
have ruined everything and the affair comes to an end. We were left alone in the candy house.
Without our partner nearby, the limbic mechanisms described above stop exerting their
influence. And since part of our neural activity depends on the presence of our partner's limbic
system, everything begins to change in us: our emotional responses, our thoughts, our sleep
cycles, our physiology... and what can we say about our mood. We may even find ourselves
plunged into sadness and despair.
Again, nature has its explanation: when a baby (in the case of mammals) is separated from its
mother for a short period, its limbic system triggers a response known as protest . If the
separation is prolonged, the calf enters a physiological state of despair .
And under despair we not only feel hopeless, but a good number of somatic parameters
become “ crazy ”. When we separate from important attachment figures (such as a partner) ,
mammals fall into a somatic disorder that can be felt as something terrible.
Even so, not all of us experience this response of desperation in the same way. Everything will
depend on our resilience , that fabulous ability that we all have to face adversity with strength
and clarity.
When our archaic mechanisms go into despair, resilience acts as an antidote that counteracts
the harmful effects of stress and threat.
Observing despair calmly, accepting that it is part of our nature and that we have the inner
resources necessary to navigate this difficult stage will make our inner strengths emerge. This is
where the practice of mindfulness becomes essential in our lives.
Towards a conscious relationship
Now that we have known the biological mechanisms that guide our sentimental choices, let's
learn what we can do to make them more conscious, full and harmonious.
We have already seen that our ideas about love come from what we learned at an early age.
They are ideas instilled by family, society and culture. We think that love should be like this and
should feel like this.
The first step to emotional freedom is an awareness : our ideas of love do not represent love.
They only represent themselves. Realizing something as simple as this will help us distance
ourselves from our rigid ideas and will create the inner predisposition to take responsibility for
the changes we need to make in our lives before venturing to always want to change others.
Our misconceptions about love will attract torturous relationships. It is not a matter of luck, but
a matter of awareness and attitude. And we can reprogram the neural patterns that cause so
much conflict. One of the most effective ways for this reprogramming is the continued practice
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of mindfulness , which will bring us mental clarity and help us make more conscious decisions.
We will be able to see our erroneous ideas and attitudes from a healthy distance, and we will
open ourselves to new ways of relating to those ideas, attitudes and behaviors.
Additionally, mindfulness helps us eliminate that mental chatter that prevents us from
capturing the other person's limbic resonance, facilitating a more genuine emotional
connection.
Love cannot be extracted, ordered, demanded or coaxed. It can only be given. Love is a
conscious decision. We decided to recognize ourselves and the other. It is an act of responsible
delivery, without reluctance.
The way we relate to ourselves, to our own thoughts, feelings and emotions, is the pedestal
on which our love life sits. If we give ourselves presence, we will give presence to others. And
when we learn to be present, we are basically learning to prevent our implicit ideas about love
from putting us, once again, in another of those harmful relationships.