The heart has its reasons that reason cannot know.

Many a philosopher and poet

have pondered one of our most motivating emotionsloveoffering little towards
the understanding of this most compelling of experiences. While psychology has been
deeply involved in the effects of love on humans, it is only recently that the
biochemists and physiologists have taken on the inner-workings one of the most
perplexing and life-altering experiences that humans have.
Einstein once said, Marriage is the unsuccessful attempt to make something lasting
out of an accident. The newest research would tend to concur with Einstein: Love is
indeed unintentional and involuntaryit just happens. This in no way suggests that
love, or marriage, is a mistake. What it does imply is that love cannot be directed or
controlled, is sometimes aimed towards those who cannot return it, and has the
capacity to bring great joy or unbearable misery to ones life. Romanticize love rather
than understand its physiological roots, its meaning, and its purpose, and you risk
losing your mind to it.
The heartthe feeling mindis in every respect as influential in human decision-
making as is logic and reason, if not more so. There are anatomical, physiological, and
social reasons why this is so. Giving in to ones heart is not necessarily a liability in
creating a happy life, though modern American society would have one believe it is a
sign of weakness or stupidity (except in advertising, where it is used to manipulate
and persuade us). As much as the logical, reasoning, abstracting, left-hemisphere
rational mind is worshipped and groomed in higher education, we all live most of our
lives through our feeling, sensing, emotionally-responsive mind. The emotional mind
is where our identities lie, where intuition and pre-logical impressions give rise to new
insights, where appreciation for beauty and pleasure lie, and where we relate to other
living things. The feeling mind is most of who we are.
The most common fallacy of this day is: I think, therefore everything I am is what I
think. Astonishingly, most people are usually aware of what they think (the internal
verbalizations), rather than what they feel. The most difficult task a therapist has is
getting a patient to describe his or her own feelings. Many patients literally dont
know what they feelare cut off from their emotions; others simply find describing
them a daunting task. We use language to attempt to transcribe our emotions to
another, but much is lost in the translation even for the most expressive of us.
(Language is, after all, a translation of what happens in the brain, not the actual
event). Worse, most people believe that they can make themselves feel a certain way,
can think themselves into a different mood. Not so. A person cannot direct, but
only influencehis/her emotional life. No one can will him- or herself to love the right
mate, to want the right thing, or to be happy after a sad event. We humans frequently
castigate ourselves for our failure to will emotional change, when in reality emotion
cannot be commanded and does not bend to will.
Anatomy Lesson
Evolutionary processes are responsible for how the human brain is constructed and
functions. Evolution does not happen linearly, progressing along a predictable path. It
is a haphazard branching process in which recent developments build atop older
structures having more fundamental functions, with each newer structure becoming
ever more complex, adding functions, altering the workings of previous structures.
The human brain is a triune organ; three main evolutionary levels of anatomy
comprise it:
The reptilian brain (brainstem): primitive functions reside here, such as the startle
reflex, fear, sex, territorialism, and ritualistic display. It is essential to all automatic
functions: heartbeat, breathing, thermostat, swallowing, and visual tracking. The
reptilian brain is the oldest of the brains structures and is deep within the center of the
brain, a bulb of neurons atop the spinal cord.
The mammalian brain (limbic system): anger, love, joy, sadness, shame, pride,
happiness, mirth, separation anxiety, etc. are processed here. This is where the identity
personhoodresides. The mammalian brain evolved after the reptilian brain, neatly
enveloping the bulb of the brainstem. All mammals, and some birds, possess this
second stage of brain structure.
The neocortex (reasoning brain): abstraction (art, representation, planning, strategy,
symbols, language), free will, communication, and complex skills are processed here.
The neocortex is the most recent structure, and is the outermost layer of the brain.
Higher mammals and humans have a well-developed neocortex.
The chemistry of primal and recent brain systems is different, evidenced by selective
destruction of certain brain cells with specific toxins that leave other structures
untouched. Because of this biochemical variance, these three brains sometimes have
competing interests, creating disharmony and unease.
It is easy for humans to think of themselves as the pinnacle of evolution. However, we
are in no way the apex of evolution; we are simply the most recent. We have not been
here very long. By far, Komodo dragons and beetles are splendidly successful, and
eons older than humans. Nature has yet to show us that our particular kind of
intelligence has a decided evolutionary advantage. As evolution continues, nature tries
new things, makes many mistakes, and succeeds at only a handful. Nature
overproduces. It is grandiose and wasteful in its attempt to ensure survival of just the
few who will prevail into new generations. It is quite possible our triune brains may
fail us. It is equally possible that new structures will evolve that make complex brains
more adaptive than they are now.
What does this have to do with love? Everything. As a mammalian trait, affectionate
attachments have survival advantagesnot only for mating purposes, but as a security
factor in communal living so common with most mammals (including us). We are
social animals, and that means very much more than just getting help when we need
it, or reproducing. It means truly bonding with others in a way that seems magical.
We share in common with most mammals, a capacity for knowing and loving another
that transcends reason, logic, or free will. Our faculty for internally connecting with
another of our own kind, or even with a member of a different species, derives from
the structure and physiology of our mammalian feeling brains. The emotional bond
of affectionate attachment is so overwhelming and consuming as to be nearly
miraculous. It is as close to mind reading and psychic connection as wein common
experiencecan get. The capacity to love, rather than our cognitive skills, may be the
very thing that ensures our survival as a species.
Limbic Resonance
Our capacity to emotionally bond with another is mediated through a phenomenon
known to physiologists and behaviorists as limbic resonance. Limbic resonance is
the tuning in to anothers internal state; it is the most reliable way a mammal can
know the emotional state of another without the necessity of translation (facial
expressions, language). Limbic resonance occurs in all mammals, but is absent in
reptiles, fish, and most birds. It occurs through eye contact, and the sensations
multiply through mutual recognition and the continual back and forth feedback. Two
nervous systems for an instant become in sync. Limbic resonance is the foundation of
the love at first sight phenomenon, combined with other factors such as
programmed attractors described below. Limbic resonance is responsible for that
tickle in the pit of your stomach when you look into the eyes of someone you adore.
When you feel that tickle, so does the other, and the feeling propagates and augments
the growing attraction, building the affectionate attachment.
Because feelings can leap from mind to mind so to speak, the absence of such
feedback is disturbingas in meeting someone you instantly dislike, and cant put
your finger on why. Many have lost their ability to fully emotionally resonate with
anotherbecoming insensitive, even cold towards others in favor of reason and logic.
People know when they are liked, when others feel comfortable around them.
Likewise, a negative internal response from another may be reflected back to them in
ways we cannot fully understand, and the feelings of discomfort, of dislike, amplify. It
is difficult to befriend or even like someone who cannot resonate with you.
The limbic activity of others around us allows us to achieve almost immediate
congruenceit can be felt in a movie theater, or as a surge of emotion as panic
propagates through a crowd. The ability to read anothers emotional state is older than
our own species, yet we distrust it, devalue the sheer joy of being alone with another
for the pure experience of his or her inner state, and further isolate ourselves. This is
societys legacy of alienation and loneliness, and we suffer immeasurably for it.
The inner state of others must matter to us. It is essential to our survival and to our
individual health more than most of us are aware.
Limbic Regulation
The human is a social animal. Human sociability extends far beyond the need for
reproduction, for security in numbers, or for commerce. Modern physiology research
has discovered that the human body is not a self-regulating, closed-loop organism.
Human physiology depends on limbic resonance from others to achieve physiological
balance. Homeostasis derives from physiological synchronicity with another. Heart
and breathing rate, hormone levels, immune response, sleep rhythms, blood pH, and
neurochemistry are influenced by the presence of another or several others, and you in
turn, regulate others. Human physiology does not direct all of its own functions; it is
interdependent. It must be steadied by the physical presence of another. This is
necessary for both physical and emotional health. In many ways, humans cannot be
stable on their ownthey require another to survive. Health and happiness mean
finding people who regulate you well, and staying near them. It is the basis of
communal living, and makes ostracism from any social contact the cruelest of
punishments. (Luckily, cross-species attachments are equally as valid as human-to-
human ones, hence the well-documented benefits of keeping pets.)
Limbic Revision
In a relationship, one mind revises the others; one heart changes the others. We are
capable of remaking the emotional life of the one we love; and he or she remodels us.
Who we are and who we become depends in part on who we love. Yet, we change
emotionally over a lifetime, sometimes growing closer and even more compatible;
sometimes becoming a stranger to those we were once so attuned with. It is quite
possible, that because of this mutual limbic revision and a 50% chance of emotional
drift, that marriage is physiologically a 50-50 prospect. Statistically, about 50% of
marriages or long relationships tend to fall apart at about the twenty-year mark. Those
who divorce find that staying with the alienated partner, is more lonely and stressful
than being with no one. It is quite possible that till death do we part is too much to
expect. True life-mates are rare. If you find one, hold that person near for as long as
you can.
Surviving Incompatibility and Loss
Contact with loved ones raises natural opiate and seratonin levels. Likewise, artificial
increases of seratonin and opiates greatly reduce the pain of losing someone or
severing a relationship. Those who need frequent surges of natural opiates will require
more contact with loved ones than those who are less opiate-sensitive. This is yet
another factor in determining how compatible two people may bedo you have the
same needs for a rush of brain chemistry?
Mismatched chemistries can become a contest of wills, wherein one requires cuddles
while the other craves solitude. The emotionally needy partner will feel neglected and
rejected; the more independent partner will feel suffocated and controlled. Such
discord can change the brain chemistry of each partner to such an extent as to destroy
any feelings of love and dissolve an affectionate attachment. One or both partners will
be said to be in a mood, a state of enhanced readiness to experience a particular
emotion. Someone who stays in a bad mood for a long time has been repeatedly
stimulated to experience a single emotion, and he or she rides that swirling vortex for
weeks on end. The neocortex, with its ability to hypothesize, stimulates the limbic
brain to respond. The limbic brain, unable to distinguish between fantasy and reality,
responds even when no real threat exists. In fact, brain scans reveal that perception
and imagination stimulate the exact same brain areas. This means that
your perceptions of your partners intentions and behavior can rule how you respond to
your partner, regardless of your partners true intentions.
Memory and Emotion
Emotions do indeed color the recall of experience. If the emotion is strong enough, it
can inhibit opposing feelings so completely as to make the memories of those
opposing emotions completely inaccessible. A person can effectively change history in
his own head. Rage can make a man strike the woman he forgets he loves. Likewise,
strong emotions serve to amplify responses to nearly benign experiences: past abuses
can greatly amplify a response to an angry expression; a mildly sad experience can
cascade into a nightmare of depression. Experience rewires the brain: what
it hasexperienced dictates what it can experience; how much feeling was associated
with past experiences influences and perhaps amplifies subsequent similar
experiences, or even intimations of similar experiences.
Attractors and Love Attachments
Limbic resonance, limbic revision, and limbic recognition are not the only factors
influencing our love choices. Your lifetime bonding experiences teach you how love
works, creates your attractors (those tiny behaviors or qualities in others that you
associated with love in your earliest years), which in turn influences who you love.
Given the pre-logical character of the limbic system, love choices sometimes make
little sense. The neo cortex isnt the brain making the decision or guiding the heart.
Being in love with someone encompasses three characteristics: the belief that this
one person fits in a way no one else can or will; the need for skin-to-skin closeness;
the urge to disregard all else. It is a kind of madness, and it is temporary. Truly loving
another necessitates knowing the other through sustained and prolonged intimacy;
sharing a life, a mutuality of limbic resonance and regulation.
Staying in a relationship that deviates from ones ideal model (the person who
possesses the appropriate attractors, resonates with us, and regulates us well) is living
in a disturbed isolation. It is the most miserable kind of loneliness. Yet, most people
will stay in a terrible relationship with someone their limbic brain recognizes, rather
than be in a boringly pleasant relationship with a kinder partner.
Unhealthy Attachments
People who require limbic revision (rather than simply respond over time), usually
have pathological attractors. Negative incidents and behaviors become associated
with love. These people may pick fights or nag their mates for the reward of making
up, create unease through jealousy, or do other negative things to keep the zest in
the relationship. These people drain others, and leach the life out of those they love.
They are so needy as to have nothing whatsoever to give, but can only take through
creating discord and animosity. They are eternally unhappy, but not for any particular
reason. Healthier potential mates may steer clear of someone they sense is perpetually
unhappy. These people can benefit most from the bond between therapist and patient.
Two people who require limbic revision are the last two people who can help each
other.
Loves Future
What we do inside relationships is the most important aspect of life. Modern
American life embraces activities and attitudes that not only discourage limbic
resonance and love, but seek to destroy it.
The Internet is exemplary of the escalating syndrome of self-imposed isolation while
engaged in seeking out contact with others that cannot possibly benefit us
physiologically if such contact remains electronic. The Internet is often touted as a
global community, but we do not resonate with others. When we are online, we are
alone. This paradox occurs to few; the consequences of such isolation has yet to be
studied and assessed.
The damaging affects of parental absence during infancy through toddlerhood are
well documented. Yet, society devalues, even shames parents who choose to parent
full-time, rather than work outside the home. The incessant drone of advertisements
encourages getting love through things rather than through other humans. Material
gain and social status become all-consuming, and relationships are considered
disposable to materialistic ideals. Only those with the courage to reject Americas
valuessocial status, titles, expensive vacations, Madison Avenue physiques,
designer possessions everywherewill have a decent life in creating time for loving
others, and being loved in return.
Copyright 2001, Lily Splane