What to Do When a Girl Won't Go

Home with You

By Chase Amante

A reader named Konstantin

writes in:

“Hi Chase and the team!

I have read most of your

articles, and especially those
on moving fast and inviting
her home. I have a question: it
happened to me quite a few
times now that I invite a girl
home with me, and she gets
ever so close to coming, but
changes her mind at the last
moment, and there's nothing I
can do to change her mind
back. Just tonight, actually, she was giving me some resistance,
but got off the subway at the stop next to mine. But when "our"
train was arriving, she suddenly said, once again, that she should
go home, and after three "no"s I let her go. I knew for a fact that
she liked me, but what did I do wrong that prevented that last
push from happening? If you can answer that in a post or an
email, that would be very much appreciated.”

Few things in seduction are quite as irritating as having a girl youʼve

spent an hour or two or more talking to and working with and
navigating around countless social obstacles bail on you 2 yards
from the goal line.

It feels like youʼve been suckered... that whole night, which you had
already checked off as “in the bag”, in an instant goes 180 degrees
and becomes a fruitless night.

Most of the time, when you have a girl bail on you like this, you will
never, ever hear from her again, either. You switch from being about
to become lovers, and possibly entering into each otherʼs lives for a
long time hereafter if you both really get along pretty well and want
to keep seeing one another, to being a couple of strangers it didnʼt
work out with (and youʼre some guy she “almost made a big
mistake” with).

So what do you do when a girl wonʼt go home with you?

As we talked about in “Girl Changes Her Mind Too Much? Try

This”, a woman may change her mind for a few different reasons:

Something new in the environment has come to her attention

Someone around her has given her pause to her course of
action
Sheʼs realized something while filtering through her thoughts

When youʼre leading women home, these are the most important
things for you to guard against influencing those women.
Any one of them can throw a monkey wrench into the gears of your
seduction.

However, the greatest danger you face is often neither

environmental problems nor other people cockblocking you, but
rather the women youʼre trying to pull falling out of “the mood” and
having cause to reconsider their planned dalliances with you – in
other words, bullet number three in our list above.

Itʼs All About the Feeling

As a man, and especially as a student of seduction, until you reach

the point where youʼve done it a hundred times already, the primary
emotions youʼre feeling when bringing girls home are not excitement
and uncertainty and doubt and curiosity, but usually more
nervousness and edginess and hopefulness and concentration.

While sheʼs focused on enjoying or doubting about what is to come,

and trying to decide, again and again, if this is really what she
wants, you are focused on trying to handle everything in a way that
doesnʼt push her over the fence in the wrong direction while still
getting the two of you together alone somewhere that you can get
intimate.

The actual pull itself is usually one of the most uncomfortable

and challenging parts of the seduction, both for men and women.

Even most men whoʼve been picking up a while are still only novices
or intermediates at pulling, which means the women they pull will
tend to have unfluid pulling experiences themselves (since the man
sets the tone).

Because of this, itʼs not too uncommon to see guys run a pickup
perfectly and have the girl completely enamored with them, only for
the mood to shift a few minutes into the pull and the girl abandons
ship.

Men follow a decide, then follow through decision tree much of

the time. If his emotions change, a man will often ignore this change
and continue on down the path heʼs put himself on, because
achieving his objective is more important than keeping his emotions
on a perfectly even keel at all times.

Yet, women follow a feel, then do decision tree normally. If a

womanʼs emotions change, she will alter her actions and the path
she is on to match the emotion. That makes it a lot easier to steer
and direct women than men if youʼre a guy who understands
emotions and knows how to work with them and bend them and
control them, but maddeningly harder if youʼre not... or if you
encounter a situation in which you simply arenʼt able to be the
biggest emotional influence over the woman youʼre with any longer.

What Happens During a Normal Pull

 During a normal pull, a womanʼs
emotions are buzzing at the time
of the pull, and then begin to
fade and crumble during the
pull, if things arenʼt handled
properly.

Sheʼll usually start off happy or

excited to be leaving with you,
knowing full well whatʼs likely to
happen once you manage to get
her alone with you (i.e., wild,
kinky, steamy sex). Thatʼs
because youʼve done a good job
with your interaction with her,
youʼve sold her on you, and
sheʼs riding an emotional crest with her emotions positioned near
the top of the crest.

And then you go stand outside the club waiting for a taxi, while a
bunch of other people stream out of the club and leer at you and
catcall her or both of you and make her feel progressively
uncomfortable.

Or you have to walk 20 minutes to your car or her car or your

apartment, and her feet are uncomfortable during the walk from
wearing her heels, and the night air and lack of throbbing bass slaps
her like a call to wake up from that trance she was in, and without
the smoky haze and strobe lights of the nighttime venue, you look
more real and less ideal to her out here.

Or you step out of the café the two of youʼd been eating and
chatting at, and the conversation shifts from moody and intimate
deep diving and exciting and titillating sexual frames over to bland
and forced small talk that isnʼt enough to keep her feeling what she
was feeling in that café.

And at that point, ANY reservations she has about sleeping with
you all coming crash down onto her at once.

All at once, she realizes she doesnʼt like your nose, or you actually
have a bit of a gut, or your jokes arenʼt that funny, or your walk isnʼt
all that sexy.

That happens because her rational mind starts looking for

reasons to talk her out of mating with you.

When she was there, in the moment, feeling the emotions, your
nose, gut, jokes, or walk didnʼt matter an ounce to her. They were
off her radar. She saw them, of course, but they were irrelevant to
the question of, “Should I mate with him?” because her emotions
said “yes”, and she spent her time looking for your features that
could reinforce that emotional decision, rather than undermine it.

Now, once sheʼs started feeling cooled off toward you emotionally,
sheʼs begun to assess you from an increasingly logical point of view
as a prospective mate.

And if you arenʼt an insanely amazing mate package, or you let her
stay too long in logical land, the odds your pull is a success are not
so hot.

And then, the girl wonʼt go home with you, and will make up some
excuse for why she canʼt come instead.

But hey... it sure was nice meeting you.

To pull successfully, you need one of two things going for you (but,
preferably both, if you can swing it):

1. You must logically be a good choice for short-term mating,

and/or

2. You must emotionally make her desire very much a casual fling
with you

Have neither, and youʼll fail every time you try and pull.

Have both, and youʼll be damn near unstoppable.

The Path of Logic

Being a logical good choice as a short-term mating option for a

woman comes down to several things:

You must be very attractive to her

You must not have valid potential as a boyfriend candidate

She must be confident that sleeping with you will have no

negative social effects for her

The first one, how attractive you are to her, is generally a mix of:

Your fundamentals
 Your perceived levels of dominance

Your perceived level of preselection

Other important factors, like novelty (youʼre a foreigner),

throwing money around properly (conspicuous consumption),
local fame or celebrity status (authority), you have ridiculously
good looks or a great physique, etc.

Whether you are a type of man she has good prior sexual
experiences with, or is curious about trying something sexual
with

Whether you have logically piqued her interest in your sexual

abilities and now sheʼs just curious to experience this

... or, in other words, overwhelmingly passive – this is mostly all

stuff you can work on and improve, but during the moment of the
pull, youʼre either going to have good fundamentals or you arenʼt;
youʼll either have give yourself sexy biceps or accumulated money
to throw around or you havenʼt; youʼll either have rolled out with a
group of admiring women providing you preselection or met some in
the venue, or youʼll havenʼt have done so.

The second point, that she must not see you as a boyfriend
candidate, stems from:

How well you paint yourself as a lover, not a boyfriend or friend

Whether you have disqualified yourself as a boyfriend or not

Whether there are other peripheral things about you that have
convinced her you arenʼt boyfriend material (she knows youʼre
only briefly in town; some other girl came up and heavily flirted
with you right in front of her; etc.)
This is one you have more control over in the interaction itself, but
again, by the time you get to the pull, youʼve either established
yourself as “not a boyfriend” or you havenʼt – this one, too, is
passive and decided by pull-time.

Finally, thereʼs the third factor, and that is her confidence levels that
sleeping with you will NOT have any negative impacts on her
reputation or social status. That comes from:

Showing her throughout the interaction that you will protect her
reputation

Communicating to her that you are discreet and can promise

discreet sex

Continuing to demonstrate this throughout the pull and not

letting anything derail it

If youʼve communicated in any way that you are not discreet prior to
the pull, or left her on the fence, chances are that if things get
logical during your pull, sheʼs going to bail. So this is yet another
one that is heavily dependent on how you set things up for yourself
before you invited her home.

However, of the three factors, this is also the one you must watch
out for the most during the pull, particularly when there are other
people around, and those other people may want to make jokes or
ask questions about what the two of you are planning to go do. One
mistake or botched handling of this, and your night ends
prematurely; one accidental miscommunication that your
roommates or buddies are going to hear all about this one and this
one isnʼt even going to happen.

If youʼre not sure how to deal with people interrupting you or trying
to one-up or tool you, see these articles:

Breaking Circle
Dealing with Disruptive Men
Responding to Interruptions
Trouncing Male Competition for Girls in the Dating Scene

... other than that, when it comes to anything you might say thatʼd
paint you as indiscreet, hereʼs an easy solution: watch what you
say while pulling. Donʼt talk about ANYONE other than her and you
– donʼt talk about your friends, or her friends, or what people will
think about the two of you hooking up, or anything along those
lines. Many a noble attempt at humor has resulted in a girl changing
her mind about hooking up with a man she was otherwise probably
going to; donʼt fall prey to a similar head-smack of a mistake.

If a girl wonʼt go home with you and itʼs for logical reasons, and
sheʼs in a logical mood, youʼre usually going to be out of options
here. Which is why, while itʼs good to have your passive factors as
tightened down as possible to minimize the odds that any logical
objections push their ways through, the path you really want to take
is...

The Path of Emotion

When a woman agrees to go home with you, and tentatively agrees

to a possible sexual liaison, as is implicit in such an agreement, this
almost never happens because sheʼs logically weighing the
pros and cons of doing so.

Instead, itʼs nearly always an emotional decision.

Now, having all your logical criteria for passing her logical “Do I
really want to hook up with this guy?” questions is important, as you
always want a backup plan in place (things never go exactly
according to plan), and all of those things she examines logically
also play some role in how she feels about you emotionally
(frequently, a big role).

But if you want full control over the pull, you must manage the flow
of emotions.

When a girl wonʼt go home with you, who previously was going
home with you, itʼs almost ALWAYS because the emotional
bubble has “popped.” She was ready... she was willing... but then
you brought her into a situation that spelled the demise of that
mood she was in with you, and then she fell back on her logical
criteria and you had a weakness someone that ruled you out as a
short-term mate. “Actually, I donʼt want to do this,” she said to
herself.

At that point, tough break.

How do you keep emotions up?

Much of this is covered in “Pulling Women Home: The Secret to

Watertight Pick Ups.” When and how you ask a woman home with
you, and how sound your logistics are when you do so, are key to
keeping things rolling smoothly during this most pivotal of
transitions.

If you have excellent logistics – one example is meeting a girl at a

party where you can easily sneak away into one of the bedrooms in
the back with her and no one is the wiser – keeping things moving
without any interruption to the emotional trajectory of the
interaction is a snap. You can flow seamlessly from talking to her in
the corner with your faces inches from one anotherʼs and a crazy
amount of sexual tension throbbing between you or dancing
together in the middle of the authority and all but simulating sex out
there to back into that bedroom getting intimate with one another
without so much as a blip in the vibe.

Conversely, if you have terrible logistics – if itʼs going to be an hour

drive to your place, say, or youʼre going to have to walk 30 minutes
with a group of people who are going to be talking to her incessantly
because they donʼt get or donʼt care that sheʼs trying to hook up,
youʼre almost certainly going to fall into logical mode, because
trying to keep her in a certain mood while walking or driving, where
youʼre not giving her your undivided attention and she isnʼt
giving you hers, is all but impossible.

(some notable exceptions: sitting in the back of a bus or a taxi

together, even for a long commute, you can still often keep the
mood up, since the two of you can fully devote your attention to one
another as neither has to focus on walking or driving)

How do you maintain the right mood through the pull if you donʼt
have good logistics?

Well, this is one where a bit of alcohol helps (not so much that sheʼs
inebriated, but just enough that the most vocal of her inhibitions
have been muted and sheʼs spending less mental energy revisiting
previously-made decisions), as does being isolated in the pull –
none of her friends saw the pull, and no one else is around to shake
her out of the bubble youʼre in as the two of you walk or drive. If
youʼre in the car, the right music can help – something matching the
energy levels of the venue youʼve just left is ideal.

A partial list of things that can help a lot here:

Excellent logistics
Being able to devote full attention to one another during the
pull
A bit of alcohol in the blood to remove sexual inhibitions
Being alone (just the two of you), vs. around friends or
strangers
Future-pacing her (i.e., telling her everything thatʼll happen
before it happens)
Having talk that matches your attention (e.g., light banter while
driving)
Sorting any concerns she had before leaving (e.g., leave her car
or bring it?)
Leaving with her after getting strong buy-in from her first about
doing so
Leaving with her after sheʼs already firmly committed mentally
 to getting laid

None is a magic bullet, but the more of these you have together, the
better able you are to maintain the right emotions throughout your
pulls.

What to Do If a Girl Wonʼt Go Home with You?

Letʼs say youʼve done the best you could with maintaining the vibe
throughout the pull, and youʼve worked your tail off at turning
yourself into a man women want to have casual flings with. But,
nevertheless, the spell broke; she went logical; and she determined
that, for whatever reason, you just arenʼt someone she wants to
hook up with.

“I have to go,” she tells you.

In this case – where a girl has decided sheʼs suddenly going to bail –
you only have one realistic option: the hard push.

Thatʼs something weʼve discussed several times on this site before,

in these articles:

Secrets to Getting Girls: Donʼt Let Her Go

Secrets to Getting Girls: Addressing Womenʼs Objections

And it works like this: you simply continually insist – in pleasant,

socially graceful ways – that she overrule her decision and
come with you instead.

That goes like this:

[the two of you are riding in a taxi cab back to your apartment or
hotel]
Her: Wait, thatʼs my building. Iʼm going to get out here.

You: [reacting quickly] Weʼre two minutes away. Just hang on.

Her: I should get to sleep now. We can have drinks another time.

You: Weʼre not going to have drinks another time if you jump out
there now, and you know it. Just hold on, weʼre almost there; a
drink isnʼt going to kill you.

Her: I think itʼs probably better if I just head to bed.

You: You will head to bed, but first weʼre going to have those
drinks. We didnʼt come 90% of the way here to bail out now,
thatʼs just silly. Come on, weʼll be there in a minute.

Her: [to driver] Can you pull over here?

You: [she opens door] Wait – sit down for a minute! Shut the
door [say this smiling and laughing, like sheʼs being completely
ridiculous].

You: [she closes door] Okay, thatʼs better. Look, weʼre a minute
away, weʼre going to have ONE drink, and then you can leave and
get as MUCH sleep as you want. If you go now, the night is over,
and thereʼs a good chance we never see each other again and
who knows what could have happened. But if you come along
now, you can kick back and sip on a drink and get to know me in
a calm, relaxed environment and make your decision about
whether Iʼm someone youʼre glad that you know there.

Her: [thinking] ... Just one drink?

You: Unless you want to drink more. [laughs] Okay, just one!
Unless you change your mind. But weʼll plan on one.
 Her: ... Okay.

You: Cool. [to driver] Itʼs just up ahead down that way.

By the time a girl is ready to bail on you mid-pull, youʼve failed to

maintain the emotional crest and sheʼs logically ruled you out as a
hook up partner. The only way you reel her back is by handling
her logical objections and soothing her emotionally while also
drumming up scarcity.

Thatʼs what the hard push does.

With the hard push, you work to overcome all of the logical
objections she raises, while reassuring her that:

Itʼs only for a few minutes

She can leave any time she wants
Sheʼs obligated to do nothing but sit and chill with you
... and calling her attention to whatʼs invariably going to happen if
she leaves:

You could be someone really special to her (which she knows

may be true – after all, she liked you enough to stick with you
the whole night and come with you now), but if she leaves she
will probably never find out one way or the other, because

If she leaves now, the two of you almost certainly wonʼt meet
again (sheʼs had this experience before; she knows itʼs true)

The constant refrain of the hard push is:

1. Handle her objections +

2. Remove the perceived pressure of the pull from her emotionally

+

3. Reinforce scarcity by forcing her to realize that she cannot put

off deciding on you into the future; she is deciding now, and
she will lose you if she bails

Done correctly (and smoothly), the path of least resistance is

almost always to stay... not go.

And unless youʼve just completely messed up and killed her

attraction for you or sent her deep into auto-rejection, sheʼs more
often than not going to comply.

Prevention vs. Cure

Running a hard push successfully to save an interaction that

seemed to be on the rocks for sure is a real rush, and it can make
you feel like a champ. Itʼs great being able to turn around a pull that
was in the throes of death, and turn it into one that resulted in you
and a girl you like having a really wonderful, memorable night
together.

However, if youʼre having to do this too much, you should take

this as a sign you need work in other departments. Having too
many pulls fail on you means that youʼre slipping up both with
maintaining emotions and passing muster as a logically desirable
hook up partner.

Usually that means you need better logistics and tighter

fundamentals. It can also just mean you need more experience
pulling... if you get at all clunky or uncomfortable during pulls, that
can tank both her emotional and logical opinions of you in a hurry,
and most guys are clunky and uncomfortable when theyʼre still fairly
new to pulling.

One good advantage of using the hard push a few times during pulls
is that it makes you a LOT more confident and ballsier during your
pulls, because you know youʼve got a backup for your backup plan...
if emotions fail, and logic fails, youʼve still got your emergency
hammer you can break the glass and grab hold of.

But, most importantly, seek to get your pulling down so fluidly that
you never have to break that glass. Because breaking the glass
doesnʼt always work... but a fluid pull in which no glass need be
broken nearly always does (simply because it never reaches that
“emergency turnaround needed” stage).

Ciao,
Chase Amante
 About the Author: Chase Amante

Chase woke up one day in 2004 tired of

being alone. So, he set to work and read
every book he could find, studied every
teacher he could meet, and talked to
every girl he could talk to to figure out
dating. After four years, scads of lays, and
many great girlfriends (plus plenty of failures along the way), he
launched this website. He will teach you everything he knows about
girls in one single program in his Mastery Package.

GET CHASEʼS MASTERY PACKAGE

FREE 7-DAY COURSE ON THE SCIENCE OF ATTRACTION

Get her onto dates and into bed with the same tips scientists use to
get girlfriends.
Girls Falling All Over You
Over the next 7 days, I give you a CRASH COURSE in the science of
attraction (60+ scientific studies), guaranteed to put new girls on
your arm.

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