DBT Made Simple A Step by Step

“DBT Made Simple is an incredibly useful book that distills key elements of DBT into a clear, concise,
and practical guide. Illuminating clinical examples bring to life several DBT strategies and princi-
ples, and practitioners will appreciate the many useful forms and handouts provided in this book. I
recommend this book to students and mental health professionals seeking a concise, practical
introduction to DBT.”
—Alexander L. Chapman, PhD, RPsych, author of The Borderline Personality Disorder Survival
Guide and associate professor in the department of psychology at Simon Fraser
University, Burnaby, BC, Canada
“Over the years, practitioners of dialectical behavior therapy have been searching for different
training resources to deliver DBT in the therapy room in an effective way. Van Dijk’s book provides
a fantastic contribution to DBT literature for one main reason: her approach to DBT is hands-on.
DBT Made Simple is full of clinical applications, illustrative examples, sample dialogues, and trouble-
shooting tips. Her style is both engaging and straightforward, making of this book an easy and
digestible resource for all clinicians, novice or advanced, who are interested in making a difference
in their DBT clinical work.”
—Patricia E. Zurita Ona, PsyD, psychologist at East Bay Behavior Therapy Center and
coauthor of Mind and Emotions
“Sheri Van Dijk has done it again! Her latest work teaches therapists how to use DBT with a wide
variety of clients. She has accomplished an amazing feat—making DBT easy to understand without
sacrificing its enormous depth. This is the book therapists have been waiting for.”
—Paula Fuchs, PsyD, assistant clinical professor of psychology in the department of
psychiatry at Harvard Medical School
“DBT Made Simple provides a well-organized, encouraging model to treat individuals with emotional
dysregulation. This book is an excellent resource for therapists wishing to use DBT. It explains the
theory of DBT and provides a clear, concise, user-friendly approach for therapists to learn, as well
as teach, DBT skills.”
—Linda Jeffery, RN, cognitive behavioral therapist with a private practice in Newmarket,
ON, Canada
“What a wonderful guide to dialectical behavior therapy for therapists, both on a personal level, as
well as on a client level. Sheri Van Dijk’s book gives precise, clear direction for understanding and
using DBT.”
—Kathy Christie, BA, ADR, mental health case manager
“This book is a must-have for therapists interested in developing an understanding of DBT and how
they can incorporate aspects of this treatment with a broader client population. Van Dijk provides
a clear and concise foundation of DBT theory, complete with helpful strategies and handouts for
each of the DBT skills. The book also provides practitioners with the flexibility to choose compo-
nents of the DBT skills that would help meet their respective clients’ needs.”
—Diane Petrofski, MSW, RSW, Family Health Team
“As the demand for dialectical behavior therapy increases from our clients, practitioners need to be
more informed about its dynamic process and targets. This book provides both the novice and the
well-informed clinician with an uncomplicated review of DBT. A must-have for any therapist,
whether they are practicing DBT, or referring to others for this type of therapy.”
—Leanne Garfinkel, MA in clinical psychology and DBT-informed therapist
DBT
made simple
A Step-by-Step Guide
to Dialectical Behavior
TherapyTherapy
SHERI VAN DIJK, MSW
New Harbinger Publications, Inc.

Publisher’s Note
This publication is designed to provide accurate and authoritative information in regard to the subject matter covered. It is sold with the understanding that the
publisher is not engaged in rendering psychological, financial, legal, or other professional services. If expert assistance or counseling is needed, the services of a
competent professional should be sought.
Distributed in Canada by Raincoast Books
Copyright © 2012 by Sheri Van Dijk

New Harbinger Publications, Inc.
5674 Shattuck Avenue
Oakland, CA 94609
www.newharbinger.com
Cover design by Amy Shoup

Text design by Michele Waters-Kermes
Acquired by Tesilya Hanauer
Edited by Jasmine Star
All Rights Reserved
Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

Van Dijk, Sheri.
DBT made simple : a step-by-step guide to dialectical behavior therapy / Sheri Van Dijk.
p. cm.
Includes bibliographical references and index.
ISBN 978-1-60882-164-8 (pbk. : alk. paper) -- ISBN 978-1-60882-165-5 (pdf e-book) -- ISBN 978-1-60882-166-2 (epub) 1.
Dialectical behavior therapy. I. Title. II. Title: Dialectical behavior therapy.
RC489.B4V36 2013
616.89’142--dc23
2012028641
I would like to dedicate this book, first and foremost, to my family and my friends,
who have supported me in my writing career. Without your encouragement,
I never would have had the courage or the belief in myself to accomplish the things I have.
Second, I would like to dedicate this book to my clients.

You have taught me much about life, and about how to be a better therapist.
And finally, I would like to dedicate this book to all those who have difficulties
regulating their emotions. Have hope! It can get better.
Contents
Acknowledgments . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . vii
Introduction: What to Expect . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 1
PA R T 1
The Foundation
1 The Basics of DBT . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 7
2 Preparing for the Individual Session: What You Need to Know . . . . . . . . 21
3 The “B” in DBT: What You Need to Know about Behavior Theory . . . . . . 39
4 DBT Strategies for the Individual Session . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 53
PA R T 2
The Skills
5 Introducing Clients to Mindfulness . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 67
6 Additional Skills for Mindfulness . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 85
7 Helping Clients Reduce Emotional Reactivity . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 97
8 Helping Clients Survive a Crisis: Distress Tolerance Skills . . . . . . . . . 107
9 What Clients Need to Know about Emotions . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 121
10 Skills to Help Clients Regulate Emotions: Reducing Painful Emotions . . . . 135
11 Skills to Help Clients Regulate Emotions: Increasing Positive Emotions . . . 151
12 Helping Clients Become More Effective in Relationships . . . . . . . . . . 163
Conclusion: Putting It All Together . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 177
References . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 183
Index . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 191
Acknowledgments
I would like to thank Tesilya, Jess, and the rest of my good friends at New Harbinger Publications
for your support over the years. Thank you for giving me the chance of a lifetime and for believing
in me.
I would also like to take this opportunity to thank Dr. Marsha Linehan. Your brilliance, creativ-
ity, and persistence have helped so many people create lives worth living. I thank you also for your
courage, which has given so many people hope.
Introduction: What to Expect
In 1980, Marsha Linehan, a psychologist in the United States, was working with her team to find
more effective ways of treating suicidal behavior, a focus that she later narrowed to borderline
personality disorder (BPD). BPD, an illness characterized by difficulties regulating emotions, often
causes impulsivity, including suicide attempts and other self-harming behaviors. Traditional cogni-
tive behavioral therapy (CBT) didn’t seem very helpful in treating BPD, and because the conse-
quences of the illness can be so severe, Dr. Linehan and her team continued to work on developing
new strategies to help individuals with BPD. The result was dialectical behavior therapy (DBT).
THE PURPOSE OF THIS BOOK

Although DBT was originally designed to treat BPD, it has since been found to be helpful for all
sorts of other disorders. In fact, we now know that it’s quite helpful for anyone with problems
regulating emotions, even if the cause isn’t related to a psychiatric illness. Because of its success in
helping people learn to manage their emotions more effectively, DBT has become a highly sought-
after treatment. Unfortunately, there are still too few therapists sufficiently trained in DBT, given
the number of people looking for this form of help for their problems. So the main purpose of this
book is to provide therapists with a basic understanding of the theory underlying DBT, the
strategies used in individual sessions that make it stand out from traditional CBT, and the DBT
skills themselves.
This book is not meant in any way, shape, or form as an attempt to duplicate the extraordinary
work of Marsha Linehan. Her work has been invaluable to the field of psychotherapy in many ways.
Rather, my hope is to make DBT more accessible to therapists who may be intimidated by it, thus
making DBT more available to clients who would benefit from this treatment.
DBT Made Simple
WHO THIS BOOK IS WRITTEN FOR

If you are a therapist new to DBT, this book will provide you with everything you need to use the
model to treat people with problems involving emotion dysregulation. For therapists whose goal is
to learn how to provide DBT for individuals with BPD, this book will be a good start, but in the
long run you’ll need to read Linehan’s seminal text, Cognitive-Behavioral Treatment of Borderline Personality
Disorder (1993a). If you’ve already received training in DBT and use it in your practice, this book will
be a good review and will also provide some helpful suggestions and handouts. In addition, this
book will help you use DBT for mental illnesses other than BPD and will provide you with different
ways of thinking about and teaching DBT skills to clients.
If you’re new to DBT, I suggest that you read this book cover to cover before you start using
the treatment with your clients. It’s important that you have a good understanding of the DBT
skills before you try to teach them. It’s also important for you to have a good idea of how you wish
to use DBT: Will you be using it only with BPD, only with other mental illnesses, or both? If you’re
just learning the model and your intention is to use it with both types of clients, I suggest that you
practice with clients who don’t have BPD first, as there are many more strategies and techniques
you need to learn to use this treatment effectively with BPD clients. You’ll probably want to do
more training and reading before you start using the model with clients with BPD.
It is also extremely helpful for therapists to actually use the DBT skills themselves, in their own
personal and professional lives. This will not only help with your own learning, but also allow you
to say that you practice what you preach! It’s difficult to teach others something if you’re not doing
it yourself. Can you imagine trying to teach someone how to ride a bike or drive a car if you only
knew the theory behind it and didn’t actually ride a bike or drive a car regularly yourself?
WHO DBT WORKS FOR

In my opinion, DBT can be effective for most clients. In my own practice, I’ve used DBT skills to
help clients deal with bipolar disorder (see Van Dijk, 2009), depression, anxiety, bulimia and binge-
eating disorder, chronic pain, grief, low self-esteem, relationship issues, and anger.
Of course, like any therapy, DBT won’t work for everyone. But in my years of using this treat-
ment modality, I’ve learned that, outside of treating borderline personality disorder, DBT can be a
very flexible treatment modality. You can pick and choose which pieces of DBT you believe will be
effective for different clients. For many clients with illnesses other than personality disorders, you
may use only the DBT skills, and you may find that some of these clients only need some of the
skills; for example, some clients won’t actually need distress tolerance or interpersonal effectiveness
skills because they are already well adapted in these ways, but they still need skills to help them be
more mindful and to manage their emotions more effectively. For clients with traits associated with
2
Introduction
personality disorders, you may decide to incorporate some of the learning theory DBT uses in
individual sessions, as well as teaching some or all of the skills. The bottom line is that when you’re
not using DBT to treat BPD, the treatment is very flexible and can be used for any disorder. In
chapter 1, we’ll take a look at some of the research on using DBT for disorders other than BPD.
THE FORMAT OF THIS BOOK

This book is divided into two parts. In part 1, The Foundation, you’ll learn about the theory that
underlies the treatment model, how DBT differs from traditional CBT, and what the full DBT
model entails. I’ll also review some of the research on the use of DBT in the treatment of BPD and
other disorders.
Part 1 will also focus on delivering the therapy in individual sessions. You’ll learn about many
of the techniques that are necessary in treating BPD due to the complexity of this illness and the
problems therapists often encounter in developing and maintaining a good therapeutic alliance
with these clients. These skills can also be useful, but aren’t always necessary, in developing a good
therapeutic relationship with clients without the same emotion dysregulation and interpersonal
problems as clients with BPD.
In part 2, The Skills, you’ll learn the actual DBT skills and how to teach them to your clients.
Whereas part 1 focuses on the model more as it is applied to BPD, part 2 focuses on helping thera-
pists use DBT skills with a broader client population.
Throughout this book, you’ll find handouts to help you teach clients these skills, along with
examples of therapist-client dialogues to help you put all of these strategies and skills into
practice.
One of the points that Linehan (1993a) emphasizes in her textbook is that therapists are fallible.
Keep this in mind as you read this book. Yes, you want to understand the strategies and skills as
thoroughly as possible. Yes, you want to be as effective as you can be in your sessions. And yes, you
are going to make mistakes and have problems implementing the strategies and teaching the skills.
As therapists, we all need to learn to tolerate this thought, just as we teach our clients to tolerate
their unpleasant and distressing thoughts. This book will help you become a more knowledgeable
and confident DBT therapist. So keeping this thought in mind, welcome to DBT Made Simple.
3
PA R T 1
The Foundation
CHAPTER 1
The Basics of DBT
Since the middle of the twentieth century, psychotherapy has essentially gone through three evo-
lutions: the development of behavior therapy in the 1950s, Aaron Beck’s development of cognitive
therapy in the 1970s, and a merging of these two therapies into the well-known and most-used
contemporary treatment—cognitive behavioral therapy (Ost, 2008). The last ten to fifteen years
have seen the rising of a “third wave” of cognitive and behavior therapy (Hayes, 2004), incorporat-
ing mindfulness and acceptance techniques. Dialectical behavior therapy is one of these third-wave
therapies and has been proven highly effective in the treatment of patients with borderline person-
ality disorder, who have difficulties regulating their emotions.
WHAT IS DBT?
DBT is a form of CBT. Palmer refers to it as “a strange hybrid” (2002, p. 12) of a number of differ-
ent therapies and techniques. Many people have asked me how DBT and CBT differ. I usually
respond that, in terms of the skills, DBT is really just CBT using a different language, with the
addition of mindfulness and acceptance techniques. DBT takes the judgment out of CBT so that
the way clients are thinking isn’t “wrong,” “erroneous,” or “distorted,” with the goal being to change
their way of thinking. Instead, DBT acknowledges that there is a problem with the way clients
think, but the therapist first encourages clients to accept this, rather than judge it, and then helps
them look at how they can make changes so that their thinking is more balanced.
However, looking at the entire model of DBT rather than just the skills reveals that this treat-
ment is quite different from CBT. The main distinction is that DBT is a principle-driven therapy,
whereas CBT tends to be a protocol-based therapy (Swales & Heard, 2009). In CBT, the therapist
follows specific procedures; for example, when a client presents with panic attacks, a certain set of
rules or procedures are followed to treat the panic, such as providing psychoeducation, teaching
abdominal breathing, and so on.
DBT Made Simple
In DBT, the therapist is instead guided by principles, allowing the therapist to be more flexible.
This is crucial in treating people who have difficulties managing their emotions—and specifically
those with a diagnosis of BPD—since these clients often face a variety of problems, making it
difficult to focus on just one issue in each session. When a client is experiencing a variety of prob-
lems, attempting to follow a highly structured treatment protocol that targets just one of these
problems is almost impossible (Swales & Heard, 2009) and would probably be perceived by the
client as invalidating.
A second major difference between DBT and CBT is in how treatment is delivered. CBT can
be provided in either a group or individual format but rarely occurs in both simultaneously, whereas
DBT consists of four different modes of therapy: individual therapy, skills group, telephone consul-
tation, and the therapy team (each of which will be outlined later in this chapter).
Like CBT, DBT incorporates self-monitoring; however, it’s taken to a different level in DBT
with the use of Behavior Tracking Sheets (see chapter 2). DBT also differs from CBT in the way
individual sessions are structured, addressing behaviors and stages of treatment in a hierarchy
determined by the severity and threat of target behaviors. DBT is also distinguished by its use of a
suicide risk and assessment protocol (see Linehan, 1993a, for detailed discussion).
Above and beyond the delivery of treatment, the use of the therapeutic relationship in DBT is
based on learning theory and quite distinct from the approach in CBT. Because DBT is a behavior-
ally focused treatment, the therapist views BPD as a pattern of learned behaviors. To help clients
unlearn these destructive behaviors, the DBT model emphasizes the importance of identifying the
triggers for dysfunctional behaviors and the contingencies that are maintaining these behaviors.
To facilitate this, the DBT therapist makes every effort to develop a deep and genuine thera-
peutic alliance with the client, which can then be used in a variety of ways (discussed in depth in
chapter 4) to help clients make the necessary changes. In CBT, clients learn many techniques to
help change distorted thinking; in DBT, clients are taught to accept themselves as they are, and
then they learn tools to help them change behaviors that are unhealthy or problematic in some way.
The therapeutic relationship (including therapist self-disclosure) becomes another tool that the
therapist uses to help clients make these difficult changes.
Having a relationship with a healthy, positive figure is especially important for clients who have
problems regulating their emotions, as you’ll see shortly when we look at the biosocial theory of
BPD. Before we address the theory of how emotion dysregulation develops, however, we must first
define emotion dysregulation itself.
WHAT IS EMOTION DYSREGULATION?

According to Linehan (1993a), emotion dysregulation results from a combination of high emotional
sensitivity or vulnerability and an inability to regulate or modulate one’s emotions.
8
The Basics of DBT
Emotional Vulnerability
Emotional vulnerability refers to a biological predisposition or temperament where an individual is
born more emotionally sensitive than most people. These individuals have a tendency to react
emotionally to things that others wouldn’t typically react to. Their emotional reaction is usually
more intense than warranted by the situation, and it takes them longer than the average person to
recover from that reaction and to return to their emotional baseline.
This idea of emotional vulnerability is similar to the concept of the highly sensitive person
written about extensively by Elaine Aron (1996). Aron believes that having a sensitive nervous
system is a relatively common neural trait, claiming that approximately 15 to 20 percent of the
population experiences this high level of sensitivity. Aron postulates that highly sensitive people
are more easily aroused (reacting emotionally to things that others wouldn’t typically react to) and
overaroused (experiencing a more intense reaction than is warranted by the situation).
Blakeslee and Blakeslee (2007) support the idea that this higher emotional awareness has a
neural, physiological basis. Further, Koerner and Dimeff (2007) note that differences in the central
nervous system have been found to play a role in making a person more emotionally vulnerable,
and that these central nervous system differences could be related to a variety of factors, including
genetics or trauma during fetal development or in early life.
Inability to Regulate Emotions

Emotion regulation refers to the processes we use (unconsciously, consciously, or even perhaps with
a tremendous amount of effort) to decrease, maintain, or increase an emotion or aspects of an
emotion (Werner & Gross, 2010). Most often we want to reduce the intensity of painful emotions
or make them go away altogether if possible. But sometimes we actually want to increase an emotion
(for example, someone who’s feeling depressed may want to increase feelings of enjoyment). Both
of these are considered emotion regulation.
It’s important to note that emotion regulation doesn’t mean suppressing emotions or trying to
hide them from others; in those cases, the emotion is still there and unregulated, although it may be
hidden. Instead, the goal of emotion regulation is to achieve a balanced state of consciously manag-
ing the experience and expression of the emotion (Greenberg & Paivio, 1997).
People who are unable to regulate their emotions usually find it difficult to identify or put a label
on the emotion they’re feeling, to understand why they feel that way, and to express the emotion
in an effective way. As a result, they have a hard time tolerating the emotions they experience.
Unlike the emotional vulnerability component to this equation, it seems that the ability to
regulate one’s emotions is more influenced by the environment a person grows up in. For example,
Miller, Rathus, and Linehan (2007) point to research that suggests that early abusive experiences
have a direct effect on people’s ability to regulate their emotions. On the positive side, this means
that children develop healthier abilities to regulate their emotions when their parents respond to
9
DBT Made Simple
their expression of painful emotions in an accepting and supportive way (Thompson & Goodman,
2010). Likewise, Koole (2009) reports that children’s ability to regulate their emotions is greatly
influenced by the quality of their social interactions with caregivers. Koole also notes that people’s
ability to regulate emotions changes across the life span, continuing to improve with age. So the
good news is that we can teach adults the skills they need to regulate their emotions if they didn’t
learn them as children.
THE BIOSOCIAL THEORY OF BORDERLINE

PERSONALITY DISORDER
Because Linehan originally developed her biosocial theory to aid in the understanding and treat-
ment of borderline personality disorder (1993a), I will refer only to BPD in this discussion. However,
at the end of this section I’ll take a look at two examples of how researchers are beginning to apply
this theory to other disorders.
According to Linehan’s biosocial theory (1993a), emotion dysregulation (emotional vulnerabil-
ity plus the inability to regulate one’s emotions) stems from a biological predisposition and the
individual’s interaction with the environment (Miller et al., 2007). We’ve just looked at the biologi-
cal predisposition—the emotional dysregulation component—and there is an abundance of
research showing that some people are just born more emotionally sensitive than others. However,
this doesn’t mean that all people who are born emotionally sensitive will develop BPD or other
mental health problems. This is only one part of the equation; the other part is the environment a
person grows up in. Problems tend to arise when a biologically vulnerable person is faced with a
pervasively invalidating environment (Linehan, 1993a).
The Invalidating Environment

Miller and colleagues (2007) define an invalidating environment as one in which there is a tendency
to deny or respond unpredictably and inappropriately to the child’s private experiences, and espe-
cially to private experiences such as emotions, physical sensations, and thoughts, which aren’t
accompanied by evidence to prove that this is, in fact, the child’s experience. In other words, when
a child expresses an emotion (a private experience), the people in her environment judge her for
this experience (e.g., telling her that she shouldn’t be feeling that way or that she’s overreacting);
tell her that her experience is incorrect or minimize her experience; punish her for talking about
her experience; ignore her expression of the experience; and so on.
In invalidating environments, the expectation is usually that the child should be able to control
the expression of her emotions (which, because of the emotional vulnerability of the child, is unre-
alistic) and should not express “negative” feelings (Miller et al., 2007). When she is unable to
succeed in meeting these expectations, the environment punishes her for communicating these
10
The Basics of DBT
negative experiences and responds to her emotional displays only when she escalates, essentially
teaching her to alternate between stifling her emotions and communicating emotions in extreme
ways in order to get help (Koerner & Dimeff, 2007).
The other important piece about invalidating environments is that often the message is con-
veyed that the individual should be able to easily solve the problem she’s experiencing. However,
in this type of environment, skills such as emotion regulation and problem solving are never prop-
erly taught to the emotionally sensitive child. So the message is that she should be able to help
herself feel better, but she has never learned skills for doing so. This obviously sets her up for failure
and leads to self-invalidation (for example, telling herself everyone says she should be able to do
this, and judging herself when she can’t).
There are many ways in which an environment can be invalidating. The next four sections
discuss some examples.
THE POOR FIT

Sometimes children are born into families in which they just don’t fit properly. An example
would be a creative child born into a family in which her parents and siblings are practical and
hardworking and see her creativity as a waste of time—something that will never earn her enough
money to be independent and therefore not to be pursued. Such parents may have their child’s best
interests at heart; they want her to succeed and to be happy, but they discourage her from pursuing
her creativity because they don’t think it’s in her best interests. The emotionally vulnerable child
will grow up in this invalidating environment feeling that her desire to be creative is wrong, and
that there is therefore something wrong with her for wanting to pursue it. She will also feel misun-
derstood by and different from the rest of her family.
THE CHAOTIC HOME

Some families have additional challenges that make it difficult for them to provide a validating
environment. Perhaps the parents themselves were invalidated as children and therefore never
learned how to provide validation for themselves or for others. Parents who have a mental health
problem of their own or an addiction, or who are financially unstable and therefore have a hard time
providing the necessities of life, will have a much more difficult time providing an emotionally safe
and healthy environment for their children.
It’s also important to note that highly emotionally sensitive children can be the cause of at least
some of the chaos in the home. Miller and colleagues (2007) note that just having an emotionally
vulnerable child in the family can be so challenging that the family system becomes overstressed,
possibly resulting in an invalidating environment. In other words, when an emotionally vulnerable
child is born into a family where others don’t share this trait, it’s difficult for the rest of the family
to understand, and this in itself can cause invalidation as parents become frustrated with the child
and don’t know how to help. We’ve all heard a parent telling an anxious child, “Don’t be silly;
11
DBT Made Simple
there’s nothing to be afraid of,” telling a hurt child, “Stop crying,” or telling an angry child, “You’re
not being very nice.” These parents don’t mean to invalidate the child; they’re just feeling frus-
trated themselves and don’t know how to effectively help their child in that moment. For an emo-
tionally vulnerable child, however, over time these messages add up to the idea that there’s
something wrong with her.
THE ABUSIVE HOME

Abuse doesn’t have to occur for BPD to develop, but it’s certainly not uncommon. For example,
one study (Stone, 1981) indicated that 75 percent of twelve hospitalized patients with a diagnosis
of BPD had a history of incest. A chart review (Herman, 1986) found that 67 percent of twelve
psychiatric outpatients with BPD had a history of abuse in childhood or adolescence. And a quali-
tative study (Bryer, Nelson, Miller, & Krol, 1987) found that 86 percent of fourteen hospitalized
patients with BPD had experienced sexual abuse before the age of sixteen.
An abusive environment is, of course, the ultimate invalidating environment. It can take many
forms, from physical abuse in response to the child’s expression of negative emotions or for the child’s
“own good” to sexual abuse in which the abuser tells the child that it’s okay but instructs her to not
tell anyone, possibly threatening her or those she loves if she does tell. In addition to this invalidation
by the abuser, many individuals experience further invalidation when they tell someone about the
abuse and are disbelieved, accused of lying, and possibly even blamed for the abuse (Linehan, 1993a).
Although neglect is a passive form of abuse, it can be just as damaging. With neglect, the child
learns that no matter what she does, her needs, wants, and emotions will be largely disregarded
(invalidated)—unless, of course, she escalates her behaviors to the point that her caregivers can no
longer ignore them.
OTHER INVALIDATING ENVIRONMENTS

While we generally look to the family and home environment to see where the problems lie,
invalidation can also happen outside the home: at school, at church, at the babysitter’s house, while
spending time with other family members, while engaging in extracurricular activities such as sports
or clubs, and so on. Of course, children spend a lot of time at school, and if the school is an unhealthy
environment, it will have negative consequences for the emotionally vulnerable child. Examples of
invalidation outside of the home include a child with attentional difficulties (such as ADD) whose
teacher accuses her of not trying or of purposely being disruptive in class, a child who is bullied by
peers (e.g., being teased for crying), a child who has difficulties making friends, or a child whose
coach focuses on the negative and tells her she should be able to do more or do better.
A TRANSACTIONAL MODEL
It’s important to emphasize that the biosocial theory is dialectical or transactional, meaning that
interactions take place over time between the environment and the individual, gradually leading to
12
The Basics of DBT
their adaptation to one another, and to the development of BPD. Therefore, therapists are encour-
aged to view client behaviors as natural reactions that occur in response to environmental reinforc-
ers (Lynch, Trost, Salsman, & Linehan, 2007). The individual cannot be blamed for being “too
sensitive,” and the environment is also not completely at fault. Without the interaction between
these two elements, the illness would be unlikely to develop.
Applying the Biosocial Theory to Other Disorders

As you can probably tell from your reading thus far, Linehan’s biosocial theory can probably be
applied to many clients, whether they have a diagnosis of BPD or not. In fact, difficulties regulating
emotions are not uncommon, accounting for more than 75 percent of the mental illnesses described
in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (Werner & Gross, 2010). This may also be an
issue for people who have no specific mental illness.
Applying the biosocial theory to the development of other illnesses makes a lot of sense, given
that emotion dysregulation is a component of so many different illnesses, and that this problem can
lead to emotional avoidance through engaging in unhealthy behaviors such as substance use, dis-
ordered eating, self-harm, and so on. I’m sure that anyone who works with individuals with mental
health problems regularly sees the impact that an invalidating environment can have on people.
While to date the biosocial theory has only been written about in regard to BPD, other person-
ality disorders, and eating disorders, in my professional experience it would also apply to many
clients with other diagnoses, and probably to individuals who might not have a diagnosable mental
illness but do have difficulties regulating their emotions. For now, let’s take a quick look at the
thinking on the biosocial theory in relation to other personality disorders and eating disorders.
Other personality disorders. Lynch and Cheavens (2007) have proposed that the biosocial model
can be applied to personality disorders other than BPD. They suggest that a biological predisposi-
tion toward increased negative affect interacts with an invalidating environment that reinforces
unhealthy forms of avoidance in a transactional way to produce the cognitive, emotional, and
behavioral patterns commonly seen in personality disorders, especially in the form of difficulties
maintaining interpersonal relationships, regulating emotions, and controlling impulses.
Eating disorders. Some authors have looked at applying the biosocial theory to binge-eating disor-
der and bulimia, based on the idea that people engage in disordered eating behaviors due to an
inability to regulate their emotions (Wisniewski, Safer, & Chen, 2007). Along these same lines,
Safer, Telch, and Chen (2009) propose that the underlying problem in both binge-eating disorder
and bulimia nervosa is an underdeveloped and insufficient emotion regulation system, leaving these
individuals unable to adequately monitor, assess, accept, and change their emotional experience.
Safer and colleagues theorize that these difficulties stem from the emotionally vulnerable child
being given the message that she should be able to regulate her emotions and solve problems even
though she hasn’t been taught the skills for doing so.
13
DBT Made Simple
THE DIALECTICAL THEORY OF DBT

In creating her treatment model, Linehan (1993a) was greatly influenced by the theory of dialectics,
a complex philosophical and scientific concept with three main principles:
UÊ Everything is interconnected or interrelated. This idea helps us understand the impor-

tance of taking a whole-systems approach to identifying and managing change. It also
reminds us that the actions and reactions of the client will affect the therapist, who will
in turn affect the client, and so on (Feigenbaum, 2007).
UÊ Reality is not static, but is in a process of continuous change (Swales & Heard, 2009).
UÊ The truth (which is always evolving) can be found by integrating or synthesizing dif-
fering (and possibly opposite) views (Feigenbaum, 2007). This idea, of course, is con-
trary to the black-and-white thinking typical of people with emotion dysregulation.
So what, exactly, does this mean for therapy? Miller and colleagues (2007) note that thinking
dialectically means looking at both perspectives in a situation and then working toward synthesiz-
ing these possibly opposing perspectives. In other words, clients (and therapists!) need to learn to
tolerate the idea that two seemingly opposite things can coexist. In thinking dialectically, therapist
and client must remember that reality is not static and fixed, but is constantly changing and full of
apparent contradictions; for example, the assertion that clients are doing the best they can and that,
at the same time, they have to work harder and do more. Another common example, especially for
a client with difficulties regulating emotions, is the idea of experiencing two seemingly opposite
emotions at the same time; here it is the therapist’s job to help the client learn that she can, for
example, love her partner and be really angry at him at the same time.
Thinking dialectically means that we must practice acceptance while also continuing to work
toward change. In DBT, this is the primary dialectic—both therapist and client need to accept the
client as she is and also need to continue working toward changing the behaviors that are unhealthy
or self-destructive. However, there are many other ways that dialectical thinking comes into play
in therapy. For example, when disagreements arise in therapy or in the client’s life, dialectical think-
ing helps both therapist and client remember to search for what’s being left out of their reality so
they can try to see the bigger picture or different perspectives (Basseches, 1984).
Lynch and colleagues (2007) point out that one of the most frequent dialectical tensions is the
idea that an unhealthy or self-destructive behavior, such as cutting, can be both functional (in that
it helps people reduce their emotional distress in the short term) and dysfunctional (since the self-
injury results in a variety of negative consequences). In this dilemma, client and therapist need to
find the synthesis of these two apparent opposites; for example, validating the need for the client
to achieve some relief, while at the same time assisting her in learning and using skills that will
reduce the distress in a nonharmful way (Lynch et al., 2007).
Thinking dialectically means recognizing that all points of view can have aspects that are both
valid and incorrect. In therapy, it’s important to know that polarizations are inevitable; taking a
14
The Basics of DBT
dialectical perspective means acknowledging this inevitability, watching for the polarizations, and
not allowing yourself to get caught up in them when they occur. Lynch and colleagues (2007) note
that this dialectical idea of taking the middle path is an inherent feature of Zen, and that DBT
incorporates these ideas to help clients act in more effective ways and live more balanced lives.
THE DBT MODEL

As mentioned earlier, the DBT model is made up of four components. Although my professional
experience has been that DBT can be provided to clients in an effective way without including all of
these components, the majority of the research on DBT for BPD looks at the full model, which
includes skills training group, individual therapy, telephone consultation, and the consultation team.
Skills Training Group

The skills training group is a psychoeducational, structured group format designed to develop
and enhance client capabilities. The group takes place once weekly and is divided into four modules:
core mindfulness skills, interpersonal effectiveness skills, emotion regulation skills, and distress
tolerance skills.
Core mindfulness skills. Linehan (1993b) breaks mindfulness down into smaller parts to make it
easier for clients to understand and incorporate it into their lives. The aim of mindfulness in treat-
ing BPD is to reduce confusion about the self, but mindfulness is also helpful in many other ways.
Increasing self-awareness helps clients become aware of their thoughts, emotions, and urges and
gradually learn to manage them more effectively. Through mindfulness, clients also learn to toler-
ate the thoughts, emotions, and urges that they can’t do anything about, coming to see that internal
experiences don’t have to be acted upon, but can simply be acknowledged, and that these experi-
ences will gradually dissipate.
Interpersonal effectiveness skills. These skills aim to help clients reduce the interpersonal chaos that
is often present in their lives and are primarily about how to be more assertive. Clients are taught to
think about what they most want to get out of an interaction (for example, if they have a specific
objective, if they wish to keep or even improve the relationship, or if they wish to keep or improve
their self-respect) and then are taught skills that will make it more likely for them to reach this goal.
Emotion regulation skills. The goal of this module is to decrease mood lability. Clients are taught
general information about emotions, such as why we need them and why we don’t want to get rid
of them even though they can be quite painful at times. Clients learn about the connection between
their thoughts, feelings, and behaviors, and that by changing one of these they can have an impact
on the others. Self-validation is emphasized in this module, along with other skills to help clients
manage their emotions more effectively.
15
DBT Made Simple
Distress tolerance skills. These skills are also known as crisis survival skills, and the goal is simply that:
to help clients survive crises without making things worse by engaging in problem behaviors such
as suicide attempts, self-harm, substance abuse, and so on. These skills help clients soothe and
distract themselves from the problem, rather than dwelling on it and eventually acting on the urges
that accompany the painful emotions.
Teaching skills in a group format as opposed to in individual therapy is done for a variety of
reasons: First, clients with emotion regulation difficulties are often moving from one crisis to another,
and it’s extremely difficult to teach skills in an individual session when the client understandably
wants help with the current crisis. In addition, an important aspect of any group setting is validation,
as each client has the experience of being in a group with others who have similar problems. Another
benefit of groups is that the learning experience can be much richer as each client learns from the
experiences of fellow group members. Finally, because interpersonal issues often arise in groups, this
can be an excellent arena for practicing the skills being taught and also allows clients to receive
coaching from the group therapist on how to use the skills to act more effectively.
Individual Therapy
Clients usually attend individual sessions with a DBT therapist once weekly. The goal of indi-
vidual sessions is to help clients use the skills learned in group to reduce target behaviors such as
suicidality, self-harm, use of substances, and so on. As with group sessions, individual sessions have
a very clear structure and format, which will be discussed in detail in chapter 2.
Telephone Consultation
Telephone consultation is used to coach clients to use skills. Telephone consultation is meant to
be a brief interaction to help clients identify what skills might be most helpful in the situation
they’re facing, and to help them overcome obstacles to using these skills and acting effectively.
Consultation Team
According to Linehan, “There is no DBT without the team” (2011). The makeup of the DBT
consultation team will vary depending on the therapist’s environment. Typically, the team consists
of all the therapists in a DBT clinic: social workers, psychologists, psychiatrists, and anyone else
working in individual therapy and skills training groups with DBT clients. For therapists working in
clinic settings, this is fairly straightforward. For those of us who work in private practice, however,
it gets a little more complicated. Because the team is important in keeping therapists on track in
their practice, private therapists may want to develop a team consisting of other private DBT thera-
pists in their area or even online, provided that confidentiality is adhered to. As a DBT practitioner
16
The Basics of DBT
in private practice, I have been fortunate enough to have a psychiatrist who works in a DBT clinic
provide consultation for me on an ongoing basis. The team doesn’t have to be large; what matters
is that you receive objective feedback about your practice.
Whatever it consists of in your circumstances, the team is used in two ways: first, to provide
support to therapists and help them continue to develop their skills in working with clients using the
DBT model; and second, for case discussion. During case discussion, the team helps the therapist
ensure that she is adhering to DBT strategies and techniques. The team also addresses any feelings
of burnout and ineffectiveness. In consultation meetings, the team uses DBT techniques such as
taking a dialectical stance and being nonjudgmental to prevent team members from getting caught
up in power struggles and other dynamics that can disrupt the team and the therapeutic process.
BEING FLEXIBLE WITH DBT

Previously in my career, I’ve worked with a DBT team in both a hospital and a community setting.
We tried many variations of DBT due to the problem of limited resources. We were a small team of
about six therapists and case managers. We began by providing as much of the pure DBT model as
we could. We provided a skills training group once weekly and individual therapy biweekly, and we
had a consultation team meeting once a month, although the consultation meeting didn’t strictly
follow the DBT format. We were unable to provide twenty-four-hour telephone consultation, but
clients had access to a twenty-four-hour crisis line. If they contacted the crisis line and identified
themselves as DBT clients, they received coaching in distress tolerance skills to help them get
through the current crisis.
Because we were such a small team with no extra resources, we experimented with variations
on the pure DBT model in an attempt to reduce our workload, which was leading to feelings of
burnout and ineffectiveness. Of course, while being able to provide the full model is ideal, those in
the front lines know it’s not always possible. My belief is that sometimes a little DBT is better than
none. For instance, I find the DBT skills invaluable for many clients, especially the mindfulness and
acceptance skills, which many clients have never learned in other treatment modalities. Validating
clients and teaching them to validate themselves, given the environment they grew up in, is also
invaluable. In addition, incorporating the biosocial model into your practice, thereby reducing the
tendency to blame clients for their behaviors, will have a tremendous benefit both for your clients
and for the therapeutic relationship, which will help reduce the likelihood that you’ll burn out.
RESEARCH ON DBT FOR BPD

AND OTHER DISORDERS
Since DBT originated in 1980, a lot of research has looked at its effectiveness as a treatment for
BPD and, more recently, for other illnesses. In this section, I’ll outline the research on DBT for BPD
17
DBT Made Simple
as well as adaptations of the model, and then take a look at the emerging research on using DBT to
treat other mental health problems.
DBT for Borderline Personality Disorder

DBT was the first psychotherapeutic treatment for BPD that was tested in a clinical trial. The
original trial compared one year of DBT to treatment as usual and found that DBT was a superior
treatment, especially in terms of reductions in self-harm, overdosing, and hospitalization rates
(Linehan, Armstrong, Suarez, Allmon, & Heard, 1991). Other studies completed since the original
trial had similar findings (e.g., Koons et al., 2001; Verheul et al., 2003). In addition, in 2006, Linehan
and colleagues completed another study, this time comparing DBT for BPD to treatment provided
by community experts—therapists in the community who were selected because of their interest
in treating BPD and because they used a treatment modality they described as nonbehavioral, or
mostly psychodynamic. The results of this study also showed DBT to be a superior treatment, with
reductions in suicide attempts and hospitalization rates (Linehan et al., 2006).
Adapting DBT
Several authors have modified the original DBT model in an attempt to shorten the length of
Linehan’s original twelve-month treatment model and lower costs. For example, Bohus and col-
leagues (2004) adapted the model to provide a shorter, three-month version of DBT for individuals
with BPD on an inpatient unit. Similarly, Kleindienst and colleagues (2008) found three months of
DBT provided to clients with BPD on an inpatient unit to be highly effective, and the improvements
were maintained at a two-year follow-up. In addition, an outpatient study suggested that a six-month
adapted version of DBT was effective in treating BPD (Stanley, Brodsky, Nelson, & Dulit, 2007).
Obviously, more research is needed to determine the efficacy of adapted models of DBT.
However, my professional experience has been that you don’t have to provide the “pure” or com-
plete model of DBT for clients to benefit—especially clients without BPD. In fact, given that
resources are often scarce these days, I believe we need to be more flexible so clients can still
receive some sort of DBT treatment, even if it isn’t possible to adhere to the complete model.
DBT for Other Psychiatric Disorders

More and more research is being done on using DBT to treat illnesses other than BPD. Because
of the large body of research, I will provide only a brief summary here. In a 2008 paper, Harned
and colleagues noted that several studies have found DBT to be effective in reducing behaviors
associated with Axis I disorders, including substance use, bulimia, binge-eating disorder, depres-
sion, and anxiety. DBT has also been studied in the following contexts:
18
The Basics of DBT
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19
DBT Made Simple
WRAPPING UP
So far we’ve looked at what exactly DBT is as a treatment model: how it differs from CBT; its theo-
retical underpinnings; the different modes of treatment involved; that the model is flexible and can
be adapted to reduce length of treatment or be applied to other populations; and that research
supports the efficacy of both the pure DBT model and some adaptations of the model. In the next
chapter, I’ll discuss the DBT assumptions about clients with BPD (which can be applied to general
difficulties with emotion regulation); some techniques used to help reduce therapist burnout; the
stages of treatment; and how the individual sessions are structured.
20
CHAPTER 2
Preparing for the

Individual Session:
What You Need to Know
Over the years, many studies have demonstrated that a positive relationship between therapist and
client has more of an effect on outcome than the actual treatment modality itself (e.g., Bordin,
1979; Martin, Garske, & Davis, 2000). Given the array of difficulties experienced by people with
emotion dysregulation and how their chaotic lives lead to equally chaotic relationships, therapists
often have an aversion to working with such clients. Fortunately, DBT helps therapists change their
preconceived conceptions about these clients and assists them in developing the all-important
therapeutic alliance.
In the first part of this chapter, I’ll discuss some assumptions in DBT about the client and thera-
pist that help develop the therapeutic alliance, as well as two guiding principles that help maintain
it. In the latter part of the chapter, I’ll discuss the stages of therapy and how treatment is structured
to help keep therapist and client on task.
DBT ASSUMPTIONS
In her book Cognitive-Behavioral Treatment of Borderline Personality Disorder, Marsha Linehan (1993a) describes
a set of assumptions about clients with BPD from the DBT perspective. These assumptions, which
can be applied to clients with emotion dysregulation in general, help therapists change any precon-
ceived notions about the “typical” client with these problems and also help them remember that
DBT Made Simple
these clients, just like anyone else, want to reduce their suffering and increase their happiness. Of
course, as Linehan (1993a) points out, these assumptions are not going to be accurate in every case.
However, if we go into a session with these assumptions in mind, we’re going to be much more suc-
cessful in developing a positive relationship with the client and understanding her. The following
sections are based on the assumptions set forth by Linehan (1993a).
Clients Are Doing Their Best

In therapy, clients (especially those who have problems regulating their emotions) are often
perceived as simply not trying hard enough, or even as engaging in problematic or self-destructive
behaviors as a way of getting attention or meeting another need. The assumption that clients are
doing their best reminds the therapist that the client, whatever her diagnosis, is generally function-
ing as well as she can with what she has and what she knows. This assumption reminds the therapist
that not everyone grows up learning what they need to know about how to manage their emotions
and solve problems. If you can keep this assumption in mind, it will improve your ability to empa-
thize with clients and teach them the skills they need to do better, rather than blaming them for the
problems in their lives.
Clients Want to Get Better

In Buddhism, there is an assumption that one of the drives of all human beings is to reduce their
suffering. I think it’s safe to assume that if clients are coming for therapy, they want to make some
positive changes in their lives. If you work in a setting where you see mandated clients, this obvi-
ously might not hold true; but even then, chances are you can find something that the client would
truly like to change—such as not being involved with the criminal justice system. Regardless, if you
go into a session believing the opposite—that the client doesn’t want to get better—how moti-
vated do you think you’ll be to help? Remembering this assumption—that clients want to experi-
ence less suffering and more happiness in their lives—will help you reduce your judgments and be
more willing to help.
Clients Need to Work Harder and Be More

Motivated to Make Changes in Their Lives
One of the dialectical dilemmas in DBT is the acknowledgment that clients are doing the best
they can with the resources they have and, at the same time, that we need to teach them skills that
will help them try harder, be more effective, and be more motivated to change their lives. Placing
the responsibility on clients in this way (with the therapist right beside them, teaching and
22
Preparing for the Individual Session: What You Need to Know
coaching them to use skills), helps keep therapists motivated to work with clients, as it reminds us
that we aren’t here to “fix” clients, but to help them create a life worth living (Linehan, 1993a).
Even If Clients Didn’t Create Their Problems,

They Still Have to Solve Them
Understanding that clients must be their own agents of change, rather than relying on others
to make changes for them, takes a lot of pressure off therapists by reminding us (and clients) that
we cannot “fix” them. Rather, clients need to solve their own problems, with the therapist as the
coach or teacher, helping them learn the skills they need to do so. This is the case even if a client
wasn’t the cause of the problems she’s currently facing. The invalidating environment is a perfect
example of this: The client may have experienced pervasive invalidation when she was growing up,
which, in combination with emotional vulnerability, led to her problems with emotion regulation.
While obviously it’s not the client’s fault that she has these difficulties, if she doesn’t work toward
solving her problems, nothing will change and she’ll continue to suffer. Keeping this assumption in
mind will also help reduce therapist burnout by reminding you that your role as therapist is to teach
clients to do the problem solving they never learned as children.
The Lives of Suicidal Clients Are Unbearable

We must take at face value the pain that clients express to us. When a client attempts suicide,
rather than trying to figure out what her ulterior motives were, you need to assume that she tried
to kill herself because she found her life unbearably painful. This assumption also helps you remem-
ber that the client is highly emotionally sensitive. You may have heard the analogy in which the
client with BPD is compared to an individual who has experienced third-degree burns (Linehan,
1993a). How can life be bearable for someone walking around with this kind of emotional pain and
no skills to help manage it? This assumption helps you to create or maintain a positive working alli-
ance with such clients as you strengthen your ability to empathize with them, rather than blaming
them for their behavior.
Clients Need to Learn How to Act Skillfully

in All Areas of Their Lives
Many of us have encountered clients who have difficulties regulating their emotions but have
nonetheless managed to succeed in their professions as teachers, lawyers, executives, and so on.
What’s easy to forget is that just because these clients can use skills in one area of life doesn’t mean
23
DBT Made Simple
they can transfer these skills to other areas. When you forget this, you’re likely to give clients the
same invalidating message they’ve received for years: that they should be able to solve the problem.
The second part of the assumption that clients need to learn how to act skillfully is that
when they are learning new skills, this learning must occur in different situations, including stress-
ful situations in which their emotions are intense. This is one reason why, in the DBT model, it is
preferable not to hospitalize clients: the needed learning can only occur if clients remain in their
environment.
Clients Cannot Fail in Psychotherapy

We don’t blame cancer patients if chemo doesn’t work. If someone breaks her leg and it doesn’t
heal after six weeks in a cast, we don’t tell her she has failed. So why would we blame the client if
psychotherapy doesn’t work? If a client doesn’t make progress or drops out of therapy, it’s not the
client’s fault; rather, the fault lies with the therapy, the therapist, or both. In other words, either the
mode of therapy just isn’t right for the client or the therapist hasn’t been effective in implementing
the therapy with the client. This can also be helpful when you consider any past treatments that didn’t
work for the client. Remembering that it wasn’t the client who failed the therapy, but the therapy that
failed the client, can keep you motivated to work with the client to find something that will help.
Rest assured, however, that the emphasis isn’t on blaming the therapist if the client doesn’t get
better or drops out of therapy. As therapists, of course we want to make sure that we’re doing our
best to implement the treatment, so use this assumption as a way of motivating yourself to do your
best. If a client isn’t showing improvement and you know the client can’t fail in therapy, you’ll
examine your skills and look at how effective you are at implementing therapy, rather than simply
attributing lack of progress to the client’s “resistance.”
Therapists Treating Clients with Emotion

Dysregulation Need Support Themselves
BPD and emotion dysregulation in general are among the most difficult illnesses to work with
in psychotherapy. Because of the high emotional sensitivity of these clients, it’s easy for therapists
to inadvertently invalidate or otherwise alienate them so that therapy comes to an end, sometimes
quite abruptly. Even when the therapeutic alliance is strong, non-DBT therapists often don’t engage
in teaching these clients the skills they need or don’t balance that skills training with acceptance.
These are but a few of the reasons why therapists treating such clients need support, and why DBT
therefore puts such an emphasis on the treatment team. According to Linehan (1993a), the team
can be a consultant or supervisor, or it can be a full DBT treatment team. Whatever the format, the
idea is therapy for the therapist to enhance the likelihood of success in treating clients with emotion
dysregulation.
24
REDUCING THERAPIST BURNOUT WITH DBT

Keeping the DBT assumptions about clients in mind helps us as therapists bring empathy and com-
passion to our clients, rather than falling into the judgments that often take hold when working
with clients with BPD or problems with emotion dysregulation. In addition to facilitating therapy,
the ability to understand and empathize with these high-needs clients rather than judging or
blaming them helps prevent therapist burnout. Two other components of DBT also play a role in
preventing burnout: observing our limits, and what Linehan calls “consultation to the patient”
(1993a, p. 406).
Observing Limits
Most therapists have been taught to set boundaries with clients. This emphasis on setting proper
boundaries, especially with clients with BPD, reflects the commonly held belief that the illness pre-
vents them from being able to act “appropriately” (or, even worse, makes them to want to act “inap-
propriately”) and results in clients crossing other people’s boundaries, including the therapist’s.
In DBT, neither the client nor the therapist is viewed as disordered; in other words, if a client
calls her therapist daily, she isn’t too needy and isn’t trying to manipulate. Likewise, the therapist
isn’t too tolerant for taking the client’s phone calls, nor is the therapist having countertransference
issues. Rather than pathologizing the client or the therapist for having poor boundaries, in DBT the
assumption is that there is simply a discrepancy, or poor fit, between what one individual wants and
what the other is willing or able to give (Cardish, 2011).
Of course there are some hard-and-fast limits that, as therapists, we don’t cross: sexual relation-
ships with clients or other relationships in which clients could possibly be exploited in some way.
(See the guidelines of your profession’s regulating body if you’re not sure what I’m referring to.) But
other than these, it’s important to realize that everyone’s limits are different and that they vary
depending on a variety of factors. For therapists, those factors include your relationship with the
client, other stressors in your life at a given time, the flexibility you have given your job and the
setting you’re working in, and so on.
Let’s look at an example: In my practice, it’s fairly typical for me to get text messages, emails,
or phone calls from clients outside of session. I generally find that clients don’t use this privilege
very often or without good reason—for example, when needing assistance with skills because they
are feeling highly anxious, having suicidal thoughts, or trying not to act on an unhealthy urge. But
I do have certain limits: All of my clients are aware that I turn my cell phone off when I go to bed,
so I’m not available in the overnight hours. Nor will I take phone calls or look at texts or emails
while I’m with other clients, so I may not be able to respond immediately.
But some limits are more individual. For one client I’ve been working with for about two years, I
have a limit that she isn’t to contact me about a problem until she’s used some skills to try to help
herself. I wouldn’t have this limit for someone I’ve just begun working with, since that client wouldn’t
25
DBT Made Simple
have learned the needed skills yet. On the other end of the spectrum, I have a client I’ve just started
seeing who’s been having difficulties completing homework outside of session. I send this client a
text message every other day to remind her to do her homework. I wouldn’t do this with the client
I’ve been working with for two years, as she doesn’t need that kind of support at this point in therapy.
Clearly, our limits as therapists should vary to reflect the client and the context. While you
don’t want to be arbitrary and unpredictable, it’s important to recognize that limits shouldn’t be
static and unchanging. You might be willing to do something one week that you aren’t willing to do
the next week. You might be willing to do something that another therapist isn’t willing to do, and
vice versa. That doesn’t make it right or wrong, or good or bad; it’s simply a fact of life that every-
one has different limits.
SETTING BOUNDARIES VS. OBSERVING LIMITS

If you think about the term “setting boundaries” versus “observing limits,” it seems much less
flexible. A boundary is more concrete and immovable than a limit. In addition, if you set a bound-
ary, it then becomes the client’s responsibility to not cross the boundary, and any behavior that
crosses that boundary is pathologized and considered inappropriate. On the other hand, if you
observe your limits, the responsibility falls on you to maintain your limits when client behaviors
might exceed them. This recognizes that it’s not about the inappropriateness of the client’s behav-
ior, but about your own personal and professional preferences. Observing our limits also calls for
more communication with clients. Keeping in mind that everyone’s limits are different and change-
able (unlike a boundary, which is more of an immovable barrier), whether in therapy or in day-to-
day life, how on earth can we expect our clients to know what our limits are?
HOW TO OBSERVE YOUR LIMITS

The first step in observing your limits, as with anything, is to become aware of them. This
means monitoring your level of burnout with clients and checking in on your willingness in ses-
sions. If you’re judging or blaming the client, reflect on your limits: Is there something you need to
change? If so, it’s important that you be honest with the client about this. If you don’t express this
limit, you’re going to burn out, reducing the likelihood that the client’s therapy will progress effec-
tively. Although expressing a limit to the client might be difficult, remember that it will reduce your
feelings of burnout and make you more effective in the therapeutic relationship in the long run.
Don’t mistake this to mean that observing your limits is for the good of the client. It’s for your good.
Observing your limits is your responsibility, not the client’s, so be sure to make this about you
(Cardish, 2011).
While of course, you need to observe your limits and communicate them to clients, it’s also
important to extend your limits sometimes. For example, if you don’t typically take telephone calls
on weekends but you have a client who’s struggling with a difficult situation and needs some extra
skills coaching, you might tell her that she can call you on one particular weekend. However, don’t
extend your limits in response to behavioral escalation (Cardish, 2011). I’ll explain this when I
26
discuss reinforcing behaviors in chapter 3, but for now just be aware that extending your limits
because a client is threatening suicide, for example, is not helpful and will actually make it more
likely that this will happen again in the future. Instead, if a behavior is escalating, continue to
observe your limits while also validating the client’s distress and helping her find other ways to
cope with the problem (Cardish, 2011).
WHAT TO DO WITH YOUR LIMITS

First and foremost, it’s important that you communicate to your clients what your limits are.
That’s not to say that you should give each client a list of your limits in the first session. For one
thing, it’s impossible to foresee what situations will arise with a given client that will cause you to
set limits. Some limits might need to be expressed immediately. For example, it’s a common prac-
tice that if a client doesn’t show up for an appointment and doesn’t give you twenty-four hours’
notice, there will be a fee; that’s a limit. Here are some other common examples. Think about what
your limits are in these areas:
UÊ Frequency and number of sessions: Do you see clients once weekly? Once every two
weeks? As often as they would like to be seen? Do you have a maximum number of
sessions, or can a client be seen indefinitely? In addition to being a matter of your pref-
erences, these may also depend on your employer’s policies.
UÊ Length of sessions: How long are your sessions? Are you flexible with this? For
example, if a client is in a crisis, will you extend the length of the session? Again, this
may depend on your workplace.
UÊ Phone calls: Do you take telephone calls from clients between sessions? If so, how
often? Do you have a time frame for phone calls? For example, do you accept calls only
during business hours, or at other times as well?
These are just a few examples, and the question of what your limits are will arise in an infinite
number of ways. The key is to communicate to clients what your limits are as these situations arise.
Allow yourself to be flexible, and give yourself permission to change. It can help if you think of situ-
ations in your day-to-day personal life: If a friend is twenty minutes late for dinner and doesn’t call
you, is that okay, or do you let her know you would have preferred a phone call? If you prefer a
phone call, that’s a limit. If a friend calls you in the middle of the night, will you answer the phone?
If not, that’s a limit for you. Maybe you have a rule that one weekend out of the month you stay at
home with your partner to just spend time together and that nothing can interfere with that couple
time. That’s a limit.
Of course, maybe you typically don’t like a phone call in the middle of the night, but when you
find out that a friend’s mother just died, you bend that rule. Maybe you usually don’t let anything
interfere with your couple time, but on a weekend when your best friend is moving and needs some
help, you’re more flexible. These kinds of things happen in therapy, as well.
27
DBT Made Simple
Consultation to the Client

Like observing your limits, the DBT concept of consultation to the client can help minimize
burnout and enhance your effectiveness in therapy. In essence, consultation to the client means
that the role of the individual therapist is to teach the client how to interact with others, rather than
telling others how they should interact with the client or intervening on the client’s behalf. In other
words, people should be consulting the client about her needs, rather than consulting with you.
This could include anyone in the client’s life: family, friends, other health professionals, and so on.
Let’s look at an example to make this idea more clear: Julie is a twenty-seven-year-old woman
with difficulties regulating her emotions who recently began attending a DBT skills training
group at her local hospital. She’s been seeing her individual therapist for about six months, and
they both decided that the DBT skills would be helpful for her. However, after her second week
of group, Julie told her individual therapist that she was considering dropping out of the group
because she found it too difficult. A non-DBT therapist might contact the group facilitator to
discuss this. In consultation to the client, however, the DBT therapist would discuss the problem
with the client instead and coach her on using skills so that she could speak to the group facilita-
tor herself.
At times this plays out a bit differently: The individual DBT therapist is expected to tell other
professionals how to deal with the client. Sometimes this expectation is the client’s; for example,
wanting the therapist to contact the local emergency department to advocate for her to be admit-
ted because she’s feeling suicidal. Rather than doing this, the DBT therapist would coach the client
to use skills to get her needs met. Other times the expectation is another professional’s; for example,
a nurse from the local emergency department calling to say that the client won’t be admitted and
asking what should be done with her. The guiding rule here, as Linehan (1993a) notes, is for profes-
sionals to follow their normal procedures. In other words, remember that the world isn’t typically
going to change just because the client has problems regulating her emotions; therefore, it’s up to
the client to learn how to deal with this in a skillful way.
I often run into this problem when working with teens whose parents are trying to be more
effective in helping them with their problems. Quite often a parent will request to meet with me
without the teen present, in which case I respond that this isn’t part of my practice. Anything they
wish to say must be said with the client present. If a parent contacts me through a telephone call, I
explain that the content of the call will be disclosed to the client. Of course, it’s important to be
validating and empathetic when speaking with clients’ family members or friends, but it is of utmost
importance to remember who your client is and that she needs to learn how to assert herself and
cope with these kinds of interactions on her own, with you providing skills training to enable her
to do so.
Consultation to the client, then, is about helping clients learn the problem-solving skills they
never learned as children so they can gradually rely less on others and more on themselves. It
helps them take responsibility for their own lives, rather than depending on others to act on their
behalf.
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STAGES OF TREATMENT
Linehan (1993a) lays out a series of stages through which clients progress on their way to recovery:
pretreatment, attaining basic capacities (stage 1), reducing post-traumatic stress (stage 2), and
increasing self-respect and achieving goals (stage 3). In the remainder of this chapter, I’ll outline
each of Linehan’s stages. However, the focus throughout the rest of this book is on stage 1 treat-
ment, as this is the focus of the DBT model as it is currently. Treatment in the other stages of
therapy would use a combination of other treatment models; for example, in stage 2, the therapist
would utilize treatment models specific to treating PTSD, such as CBT or sensorimotor therapy.
Pretreatment Stage: Orientation and Commitment

Unfortunately, premature termination of therapy is not at all uncommon in clients with emotion
dysregulation. Linehan (1993a) notes a study by Parloff, Waskow, and Wolfe (1978) that demon-
strated a link between the use of pretreatment orientation strategies and a reduction in therapy
dropout rates. Given that the dropout rate for these clients tends to be high, the first several indi-
vidual sessions in DBT focus on having the client and therapist make a decision as to whether they
are willing and able to work together. In these early sessions, the therapist also helps the client
modify any beliefs or expectations about therapy that might lead to a negative outcome in treat-
ment, such as premature termination (Linehan, 1993a). In addition, the therapist works on com-
pleting an assessment with the client, providing psychoeducation about the client’s diagnosis, and
obtaining a commitment to therapy in general as well as to specific goals.
Stage 1: Attaining Basic Capacities

Once therapist and client have committed to working together, therapy enters stage 1, which
focuses on behaviors that pose a direct threat to the client’s safety and stability (Swales & Heard,
2009). The goal in this stage is to reduce suicidal behaviors and thoughts, as well as other behaviors
that are destabilizing, self-destructive, or otherwise unhealthy, and to address skills deficits
(Linehan, 1993a).
As discussed in chapter 1, in traditional CBT a lot of time would be spent jumping from one
crisis to the next, making it difficult for the therapist to find time to teach the skills the client needs
for managing emotions. To address these issues in a productive way, DBT organizes the individual
session in a methodical way that provides much-needed structure for clients with emotion dysregu-
lation. This structure is provided by the client’s Behavior Tracking Sheet, which is a short-form way
of journaling. There are different types of tracking sheets, and you can personalize them for spe-
cific clients. I’ve included a copy of the one I use later in this section; feel free to photocopy it and
use it in your practice. From this tracking sheet, behaviors are addressed in the following order
(Linehan, 1993a):
29
DBT Made Simple
1. Behaviors that interfere with life
2. Behaviors that interfere with therapy
3. Behaviors that interfere with quality of life
Linehan (1993a) notes that, with highly dysfunctional and suicidal clients, it may take over a
year of therapy to reduce behaviors that interfere with life or interfere with therapy. However, she
says that by the end of the first year of therapy, “patients should also have at least a working knowl-
edge of and competence in the major behavioral skills taught in DBT” (p. 170). Keep in mind that
having a working knowledge of the skills doesn’t mean clients can apply them to all of their
problems!
BEHAVIORS THAT INTERFERE WITH LIFE

In individual sessions, the first items to be addressed are behaviors that interfere with life, in the
following order:
1. Any suicidal behaviors
2. Nonsuicidal self-harming behaviors, such as cutting or burning
3. Intrusive suicidal or homicidal urges or communications
4. Suicidal ideation
When these kinds of behaviors occur outside of session, they become a priority for discussion
in the next individual session. In DBT, the tool most commonly used to address these kinds of
behaviors is the behavior analysis (BA). The BA helps therapist and client take an in-depth look at
the variables that lead to a target behavior and cause the client to continue engaging in the problem
behavior. I’ll discuss the BA in detail in chapter 3.
Linehan (1993a) notes that suicidal thoughts that are regularly or constantly present like back-
ground noise are not always directly addressed in the individual session, as this could prevent
therapist and client from working on other problem behaviors. The DBT assumption is that this
type of suicidal thinking is related to the low quality of life that results from emotion dysregulation,
so the focus on enhancing quality of life (which is the third target on the agenda) will address this
problem.
BEHAVIORS THAT INTERFERE WITH THERAPY

The second topic to be addressed is behaviors that directly interfere with the client’s therapy
in some way, in order from most destructive to least destructive. These behaviors can present in
many different ways and may be engaged in by both client and therapist. Examples include the
30
client or therapist arriving late or canceling appointments, not being properly prepared for sessions
(e.g., the client hasn’t completed her tracking sheet or the therapist hasn’t reviewed her notes to
remind herself of what homework was assigned), taking phone calls during sessions, and so on.
These behaviors can also be more subtle, such as the therapist pushing the client too hard,
invalidating the client, or reinforcing unhealthy behaviors in the client, or either the client or the
therapist avoiding addressing difficult topics in session. Behaviors that interfere with therapy can
also become more destructive (for example, the therapist not observing a limit with the client or
the client threatening herself or the therapist in some way).
BEHAVIORS THAT INTERFERE WITH QUALITY OF LIFE

The final item on the agenda for individual sessions is addressing behaviors that interfere with
the client’s quality of life. This could include comorbid mood, anxiety, or substance abuse disor-
ders; inappropriate housing or financial difficulties; or lack of social support.
Because clients with emotion dysregulation usually have many of these additional problems in
their lives, it’s important to decide which is the most important area to work on. Linehan’s guide-
lines (1993a) are as follows: first, solve immediate problems, such as housing or getting into a reha-
bilitation program; second, address problems that are more solvable and tackle the harder stuff
later; and third, prioritize behaviors that are related to the two higher-order targets (behaviors that
interfere with life, and those that interfere with therapy).
PUTTING IT ALL TOGETHER

To summarize the previous three sections and make the priority of treatment targets explicit,
here’s a list of behaviors to address, from highest to lowest priority:
1. Suicidal behaviors and nonsuicidal self-harming behaviors
2. Behaviors that interfere with therapy
3. Suicidal ideation and “misery”
4. Maintaining treatment gains
5. Other goals the client identifies
As mentioned, I’ve included the Behavior Tracking Sheet I use. Take a look at this sheet, and
then I’ll discuss a client example to help you understand how the agenda for an individual session
would be set in DBT. Note that the client instructions refer to a handout listing emotions that
clients can refer to if need be. You’ll find this handout in chapter 9. Feel free to photocopy the
worksheet and handout for use in your practice.
31
32
BEHAVIOR TRACKING SHEET
Name: Week of:
DBT Made Simple
Mon. Emotions How strong? Urges How strong? Behaviors (number)

1-------------5 suicide 1-------------5 suicide attempt
1-------------5 self-harm 1-------------5 self-harm
1-------------5 1-------------5
1-------------5 1-------------5
Did you use a skill? Yes No If yes, which one(s)?
Did it help? Yes No If you didn’t use one, why not?
Tues. Emotions How strong? Urges How strong? Behaviors (number)
1-------------5 1-------------5
1-------------5 1-------------5
Wed. Emotions How strong? Urges How strong? Behaviors (number)
1-------------5 1-------------5
1-------------5 1-------------5
Thurs. Emotions How strong? Urges How strong? Behaviors (number)
1-------------5 1-------------5
1-------------5 1-------------5
Fri. Emotions How strong? Urges How strong? Behaviors (number)
1-------------5 1-------------5
1-------------5 1-------------5
Sat. Emotions How strong? Urges How strong? Behaviors (number)
1-------------5 1-------------5
1-------------5 1-------------5
Sun. Emotions How strong? Urges How strong? Behaviors (number)
1-------------5 1-------------5
1-------------5 1-------------5
33
DBT Made Simple
BEHAVIOR TRACKING SHEET

NOTES FOR THE WEEK
Monday
Tuesday
Wednesday
Thursday
Friday
Saturday
Sunday
34
INSTRUCTIONS FOR COMPLETING

THE BEHAVIOR TRACKING SHEET
1. Emotions: In this column, fill in the names of the emotions you felt today, whether they were posi-
tive or painful. If you’re not sure of the name of the emotion you felt, you can refer to the separate
handout listing emotions.
2. How Strong? In this column, rate each emotion you’ve written in the “Emotions” column. You can
put an X or other symbol on the line to indicate how strong the emotion was, or you can write a
number rating the emotion on a scale from 1 (minimal emotion) to 5 (really strong emotion).
3. Urges: In this column, keep track of all urges related to suicide or self-harm; there are also two
blanks where you can fill in any other urges you had during the day (for example, to use drugs or
alcohol, to vomit or use laxatives, or to lash out at someone). If you experience more than two
urges, you can use a second tracking sheet, write it on another sheet of paper, or note it on the back
of the tracking sheet, in the “Notes for the Week” section for the day.
4. How Strong? Rate how strong each urge in the “Urge” column was, again using a scale from 1
(minimal urge) to 5 (really strong urge).
5. Behaviors: Always keep track of any suicide attempts or self-harming behaviors. If you attempted
suicide or if you hurt yourself in some way (for example, cut or burned yourself or banged your
head against the wall), write down how many times you did this. There are two blanks for you to
keep track of other target behaviors you engaged in.
6. Did you use a skill? Circle Yes or No to indicate if you used a skill. It doesn’t matter if you feel it
worked or not.
7. If yes, which one(s)? Note what skills you did use, if any.
8. Did it help? Circle Yes or No to show whether you feel the skill helped.
9. If you didn’t use one, why not? Explain why you didn’t use a skill if this was the case. For example,
did you forget? Were you unable to think of a skill to use? Did you think of a skill but couldn’t be
bothered to try to use it?
10. Notes for the Week: In this space, you can make notes about any events that happened that you
want to talk about in your therapy session. It’s also a good idea to make notes about the emotions
and urges you felt each day (for example, whether they were connected to a specific situation) and
the skills you used. Keep in mind that I will often want to talk about what happened in great detail
with you, so the Behavior Tracking Sheet is a good place to make notes to help jog your memory
about what happened.
35
DBT Made Simple
Case Example: Carmen

Carmen’s case example will help demonstrate how to set the agenda for an individual session.
Carmen, a twenty-year-old woman, was referred by her probation officer. She had a diagnosis of
depression and general anxiety disorder with panic attacks and had been using illegal drugs over
the last two years. She probably also had symptoms of PTSD from different events that had
occurred since she started using drugs. Carmen had been living with her boyfriend, who was also
a drug user, and a fight between them led to Carmen being charged with assault. She was sen-
tenced to two years of probation and wasn’t allowed to return to her boyfriend’s apartment. When
we began working together, Carmen was living in a women’s shelter and was on social assistance.
Carmen regularly experienced thoughts of suicide but had never made an attempt and repeat-
edly told me that she didn’t want to die. However, she had a history of self-harm. The first time she
met with me, she informed me that it had been about eight months since she had cut herself. She
had also reduced her drug use but was still using crack once or twice a month. This often led to
having sexual relations with strangers, sometimes two or three different men in one night, without
using protection. She regularly drank alcohol, at least three or four times weekly, and was aware
that her drinking often led to urges to use crack, but she was ambivalent about stopping or even
reducing her alcohol use.
Carmen had been seeing a psychiatrist since she was about fifteen and told me that she took
her medication regularly but her anxiety continued to be a problem. She was having panic attacks
regularly at the time of assessment and found that drinking often helped her feel calmer and also
helped with her low self-esteem and feelings of worthlessness. Carmen reported that she didn’t
really have friends, although she did go to a bar with a group of guys about twice a week.
In our eighth session, Carmen arrived at my office almost ten minutes late and gave me her
Behavior Tracking Sheet. The tracking sheet indicated that she hadn’t made any suicide attempts,
but her suicidal thoughts had increased from a 2 to a 4, and her self-harm urges had increased from
a 3 to a 4 since our previous session. Her drinking had remained the same, and she had used crack
once during the last week. Based on all of this information from the tracking sheet, here’s how I
structured this session with Carmen (note that this doesn’t include an in-depth discussion of how
these behaviors were addressed):
1. Behaviors that interfere with life: Because Carmen didn’t record any suicidal behav-
iors, we first looked at her suicidal thoughts. Because those thoughts had increased
recently, we needed to check this out, which we did with a behavior analysis. Next, we
looked at the increase in self-harm urges. We didn’t need to do a full BA here, as the
reasons for the increase were the same as for the increase in suicidal thoughts.
2. Behaviors that interfere with therapy: Carmen was ten minutes late for her session,
which interfered with her ability to get the most out of therapy, so we addressed this
next.
36
3. Behaviors that interfere with quality of life: First, Carmen was still in temporary
housing (an immediate problem), so we needed to work on getting her housing situa-
tion stabilized to ensure she could remain in therapy. Second, we had previously identi-
fied that her drug use almost always led to an increase in suicidal thoughts and also led
to engaging in other self-destructive behaviors, such as having unsafe sex with strang-
ers, which was a threat to her health, so we looked at her drug use next. If there had
been more time in the session, we would probably have looked at Carmen’s anxiety
next, as it seemed to be at least one of the reasons she ended up drinking. Since Carmen
hadn’t identified reducing her alcohol use as a goal, this didn’t go on the agenda.
However, this came up in future sessions; I continued to point out how drinking was
interfering with her quality of life and how it was connected to her drug use and other
problems.
Of course, skills training is interwoven throughout this process, so we weren’t simply analyzing
the behavior without trying to do anything about it.
Once target behaviors are under control, clients are ready to move on to the second stage of
therapy. As noted earlier, the focus of this book is on stage 1, so the discussion of the remaining
stages will be brief.
Stage 2: Reducing Post-traumatic Stress

DBT doesn’t focus on PTSD symptoms until clients have the necessary skills. When clients are
regularly engaging in or experiencing urges to engage in suicide, self-harm, substance use, and
other self-destructive behaviors, not only are they not ready, it’s actually unsafe to do this kind of
work. Of course, as Linehan (1993a) notes, that doesn’t mean the client’s trauma history is ignored
during stage 1. If the client brings up these issues in session, the therapist validates the pain and
suffering the client has experienced, but the focus remains on the present—how the trauma is
probably contributing to problem behaviors and the skills the client can use to help reduce these
behaviors.
In stage 2 this changes. The trauma becomes the focus and exposure therapy is used to emo-
tionally process past traumas. Swales and Heard (2009) note that, because not all clients have a
history of trauma, stage 2 may also focus on negative relationship experiences related to the client’s
emotion dysregulation and subsequent lack of interpersonal skills. While these might not be desta-
bilizing experiences, they can nonetheless contribute to ongoing pain and problem behaviors if left
unresolved.
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DBT Made Simple
Stage 3: Increasing Self-Respect and Achieving

Individual Goals
In stage 3, the goal becomes helping clients work on trusting, valuing, and respecting them-
selves, as well as continuing to work on generalizing the skills they’ve learned in therapy to the rest
of life. Linehan (1993a) points out that it’s not unusual for clients to move between stages in a
nonlinear way; for example, moving from stage 1 to stage 2, back to stage 1, then jumping to stage
3, and so on. She also emphasizes the importance of taking breaks when needed; for example,
before moving from the relative stability of having completed stage 1 work to beginning the trauma
work in stage 2.
WRAPPING UP
This chapter has covered what you need to know to get started using DBT in individual sessions:
the DBT assumptions about clients, guidelines for observing limits, and consultation to the patient,
all of which help reduce therapist burnout and increase motivation to work with the client. This
chapter also examined the structure of therapy as embedded within the stages of treatment for
borderline personality disorder. In the next chapter, you’ll learn the basic concepts of behavior
theory you need to know to effectively provide DBT to clients. I’ll also provide a detailed discus-
sion of the behavior analysis, which is used to do an in-depth analysis of a problem behavior.
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CHAPTER 3
The “B” in DBT:

What You Need to Know
about Behavior Theory
In DBT there is a big emphasis on the “B”: the behavioral aspect of treatment. In this chapter, you’ll
learn some of the basic concepts of behavior theory that you need to know in order to be a more
effective DBT therapist. We’ll also take a close look at the behavior analysis, a structured way of
analyzing a problem behavior in detail so you can learn more about it, and so that you can be more
effective in helping clients to stop engaging in problem behaviors.
DEFINING BEHAVIORAL CONCEPTS

As you’ll see in chapter 4, communication is one way that we therapists affect our clients; however,
it’s important to remember that what we say is only one way we influence them. In fact, everything
we do, how we do it, and how we say what we say all have an influence on clients, just like in rela-
tionships in general. For this reason, it’s important to be familiar with some key concepts of
behavior theory. (A more thorough discussion of behavior theory is beyond the scope of this
book; if you want to do further reading on this topic, a good starting point is The ABCs of Human
Behavior, Ramnerö & Törneke, 2008). Let’s start with a brief definition of some of the concepts that
are important in the context of DBT, as well as a discussion of how these ideas are used in indi-
vidual DBT sessions.
DBT Made Simple
Reinforcement
Reinforcing a behavior is somehow making it more likely that the behavior will occur again. There
are different ways to do this: primarily through positive reinforcement, negative reinforcement,
and intermittent reinforcement.
POSITIVE REINFORCEMENT
With positive reinforcement, something the person sees as positive happens after he engages in a
certain behavior. While rewards are an obvious and intuitive form of positive reinforcement, the
dynamic can be much more subtle and complex. For example, say a client has recently asked you
to see him for therapy sessions more frequently and you refused the request, stating that you only
see clients once a week. The client then attempts suicide and is hospitalized for two weeks, and
while in the hospital he contacts you and again asks you to see him twice per week for the time
being to help him through this crisis. If you agree, you supply positive reinforcement for his suicide
attempt by giving him something he wants as a result of suicidal behavior.
NEGATIVE REINFORCEMENT
Don’t let the term negative reinforcement fool you. This isn’t about punishment. It’s still reinforce-
ment, but in this case it occurs by taking away something that the person finds aversive. In other
words, negatively reinforcing a behavior means that something the person finds unpleasant is
removed after a certain behavior occurs, making it more likely that the person will engage in that
same behavior in the future in order to have the unpleasant experience removed once again.
Consider a client who becomes anxious and ashamed when discussing his cutting behavior.
When you try to analyze why he cut himself last week, he starts to yell at you and threatens to leave
the session. If you relent and agree to change the subject, you’ve just negatively reinforced the
client by taking away the aversive experience of having to discuss his self-harming behavior.
INTERMITTENT REINFORCEMENT
In intermittent reinforcement, the positive or negative reinforcement occurs only occasionally, rather
than every time the behavior takes place. This is actually one of the most successful ways of rein-
forcing a behavior, since the person never knows when he’ll be reinforced. The most potent example
is in gambling. The slot machine intermittently reinforces the person for putting coins in the slot
and pulling the handle, and every now and then the card player is dealt a winning hand.
Consider the client whose partner has recently broken up with him. Having difficulties accept-
ing this, he calls her on a daily basis. Most often, she doesn’t take his calls, but every now and then
she gives in and speaks with him, even if only to reiterate that the relationship is over. This intermit-
tent reinforcement of occasionally answering his calls keeps him calling her regularly in the hopes
that she’ll answer again.
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The “B” in DBT: What You Need to Know about Behavior Theory
SOME POINTERS ON REINFORCEMENT

There are a couple of important points to remember in regard to reinforcement. First, reinforc-
ers are different for everyone. What one person finds aversive or rewarding may have different func-
tions for the next person. For example, while one client may enjoy talking about his self-harm outside
of sessions because he knows this triggers emotions in others such as surprise, interest, or even
disgust, another client may be ashamed and go to extreme lengths to hide any signs of self-harm. It’s
important, therefore, to learn what is aversive and what is reinforcing for particular clients.
The second point to remember is that just because you recognize you may be reinforcing a
behavior you don’t want, that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t act as you would like to. It just provides
you with more information to consider, and it may lead you to set firm limits before acting. For
instance, in the example of the client who attempted suicide after being refused extra sessions, you
may agree that the client needs some extra support after all, and you may decide to be flexible
about your once-per-week limit for a short time. It’s perfectly okay for you to do this, but you
might want to explicitly tell the client that you changed your mind not because of the suicide
attempt, but because you hadn’t realized how much distress he was in. You might also want to
establish new limits, such as being clear about for how long you’re willing to see him more often and
establishing whether there will be consequences of some sort (e.g., returning to once-weekly meet-
ings) if there is another suicide attempt.
Consequences
The term consequence refers to the effect, result, or outcome of something that occurred earlier.
When looking at the consequences of a person’s behavior, we’re asking what happened after the
person acted. There are two primary types of consequences: negative consequences and positive consequences.
NEGATIVE CONSEQUENCES
Most often, we think of consequences in terms of negative outcomes: A client goes off his
medications and then begins experiencing mood instability and suicidal thoughts and engages in
reckless behavior, such as drinking and driving. A single mother attempts suicide and is put in the
hospital against her will, and her children are taken into protective custody. While it’s certainly
important to look at the negative consequences of a person’s behavior, it’s just as important to
remember that there are often also positive consequences.
POSITIVE CONSEQUENCES
If you keep in mind that a consequence is simply the result or outcome of something that hap-
pened earlier, it’s easier to understand that consequences don’t have to be negative, although it’s
common to think of them in this way. They can also be positive.
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DBT Made Simple
Let’s look at this with the previous examples: The client who goes off his medications no longer
has to tolerate the side effects of weight gain and feeling fatigued all the time. The client who
attempted suicide receives the care and support she didn’t have access to as a single mother on a
limited income. Although therapists are usually quite adept at helping clients see the negative con-
sequences of their behaviors, there’s a tendency to forget that there are also positive consequences
that work to maintain the problem behavior. (I’ll discuss this in more detail later in the chapter.)
Of course, functional behavior also has consequences, and it’s helpful if clients experience this,
receiving positive reinforcement for acting in healthy ways. An example would be a client who tells
his mother that he’s feeling out of control with his emotions and, as a result, receives positive emo-
tional support from his mother.
Shaping
By reinforcing behaviors that are close to the desired behavior, you can shape an individual’s
behavior. For instance, Jeremy, an eighteen-year-old young man, was on probation for assaulting his
ex-girlfriend. He was living back at home with his parents and was struggling with anger, often
punching holes in the walls and yelling and cursing at his parents. If he was to continue living with
his parents, he needed to direct his anger elsewhere. Jeremy agreed that as soon as he started to
feel angry, he would leave the situation and go to his bedroom in the basement, where he could yell
and scream. (His parents were aware of this plan and agreed not to disturb him.) He set up a
punching bag in the basement so he could take his anger out on it, and there was a concrete wall in
the basement that he could throw pillows and other unbreakable items at to help alleviate his anger.
When Jeremy reported that he was no longer taking his anger out on his parents, I provided
reinforcement in the form of positive feedback. Then we set up a system in which Jeremy would
reward himself if he went one day without taking his anger out on his parents, and gradually
expanded the time frame to one week. In this way, I helped shape Jeremy’s behavior so it was closer
to what we wanted. From there, I helped Jeremy reduce his need for these new avenues of express-
ing his anger and find healthier ways of expressing that emotion.
Modeling
Essentially, modeling is demonstrating a behavior for someone else to imitate. In DBT, it’s
important for therapists to model the use of skills in session. For example, when you’re sitting
with a client who is angry, speaking loudly, and gesticulating, you model by speaking softly and
being still and calm. Of course it’s natural for therapists to experience emotions in session, but if
you become angry and react to the client by shouting back or asking him to leave, you’re not
setting a good example. How can we ask our clients to work on these difficult skills if we don’t
use them ourselves?
42
One excellent opportunity to model skills arises when the therapeutic relationship is in need of
repair. As you may recall from the introduction, Linehan (1993a) asserts that therapists are fallible.
If you’ve messed up, apologize to the client. Admit it when you’ve made a mistake. Acknowledge
that your feelings are hurt or that you felt disappointed when the client blamed you for something
or when he didn’t complete his homework for the third week in a row. Remember that you’re
human too, and that this is therefore a human relationship. Keeping this in mind and acting as
though you’re human (albeit a skillful one!) will help you to model the behavior you would like the
client to learn.
Of course, clients also learn behavior by modeling other people, and unfortunately this means
that they won’t always be modeling healthy behavior. When this is the case, it can help if clients see
where they learned this behavior so they can choose whether they want to continue with the
behavior or learn a new way of behaving.
Contingency Management
Contingency refers to a relationship between two events wherein if one event takes place, the
other is more likely to occur. For example, if a therapist has learned from previous experiences that
if he cancels an appointment with a client, that client is likely to experience emotional distress and
engage in some kind of self-destructive behavior, this is a contingency.
In DBT, contingency procedures are based on the assumption that the consequences of a
behavior will affect the probability of the person choosing to engage in that behavior again
(Linehan, 1993a). Contingency management, then, is about utilizing therapeutic contingencies to benefit
the client (Linehan, 1993a). In other words, therapists must be aware of how their behavior is likely
to affect specific clients so they don’t inadvertently reinforce unwanted behaviors or punish or
neglect to reinforce desired behaviors. So if the aforementioned therapist knows his client is likely
to act in a self-destructive way because he has to cancel their appointment, he can attempt to
manage this contingency by establishing a limit that if the client engages in self-harm, he won’t take
extra telephone calls from the client for a set period of time (as doing so would provide positive
reinforcement for the self-harming behavior). If extra telephone contact is positively reinforcing,
the client would be less likely to engage in self-harming behavior.
Of course, there are other things the therapist can do ahead of time to help the client not
engage in self-harming behavior, such as giving the client an appointment for the next day, coach-
ing the client in using distress tolerance skills, and providing lots of validation by telling the client
that he understands how difficult this is.
Ramnerö and Törneke (2008) note that sometimes people question the ethical value of delib-
erately attempting to influence a person’s behavior through these kinds of procedures. However,
they also point out that therapists’ mere presence in the room with clients affects consequences,
and that if we try to step outside of this context so we don’t influence clients, we’re simply creating
43
DBT Made Simple
alternative circumstances, which will still influence clients. In other words, since our very presence
is inevitably going to influence clients, why not use this to clients’ advantage by purposely behaving
in ways that increase the probability of a positive outcome?
Let’s look at an example: Jennifer, a stay-at-home mom, was having difficulties functioning and
had started going back to bed after sending her daughter off to school in the morning. She slept
until noon and then became very anxious about getting the house tidied and dinner made before
her family got home. To reduce this anxiety and help Jennifer feel more effective, we set a goal for
her to not go back to bed after sending her daughter off to school. I know that Jennifer values our
relationship and finds it positively reinforcing when I validate her, so the contingency here is that
if I validate her, she’ll be more likely to engage in the behavior I’m validating again in the future.
Therefore, when she comes to our next session and tells me that she accomplished this goal three
out of five days, I validate her, telling her I recognize how difficult this must have been for her
given the extent of the depression she’s currently experiencing, and congratulate her for her partial
success. Then we turn to problem solving to see what else we can do to increase her success rate
over the coming week.
However, if I know that Jennifer finds validation aversive (as some clients do), I won’t provide
validation to the same extent. It’s important that I still validate her somewhat, since she needs to
learn to accept validation and provide it for herself in the long run. But if I overdo it, my validation
will become a negative consequence that might actually prevent her from acting effectively in the
future. So I need to know how my behavior will influence her behavior and then manage the con-
tingency by validating a little or a lot, depending on her preference. In this way, I can enhance the
likelihood that she’ll engage in the desired behavior again in the future.
PROBLEM-SOLVING STRATEGIES:
THE BEHAVIOR ANALYSIS
Completing a thorough analysis of a target behavior is the first step in problem solving or stopping
a target behavior. Before you can take steps toward eliminating the problem behavior, you must
first understand it.
I’ve provided a Behavior Analysis Form that will help you and the client thoroughly analyze the
problem behavior: What factors made him vulnerable to engaging in the behavior? What was the
trigger, or prompting event, for the behavior? What were the events, however small, that took
place between the occurrence of the trigger and when he actually engaged in the behavior? What
were the consequences, positive or negative, of engaging in the behavior? When looking at the
consequences, remember to extend the focus to positive consequences. Most clients know what
the negative outcomes of their behavior are, but they have difficulty using this understanding to
help them stop engaging in that behavior. Looking at the positive consequences—what clients are
getting out of the behavior—can help them develop more insight and awareness into why they
continue to engage in the behavior in spite of the harm it does.
44
You can then use the Solution Analysis section of the form to help you and the client look at
possible ways to prevent the behavior from happening again in the future: What could he do to
make himself less vulnerable to experiencing the urge to engage in the behavior? Are there things
he can do to avoid the trigger? Where would he be able to intervene in the future by using skills
instead, so that the end result is something other than the problem behavior? And are there things
he needs to do now to correct any harm that was done?
You might tend to engage in a verbal analysis when a problem behavior has occurred, asking
questions like “What triggered the urge?” “Did you do anything to try to stop it?” and “What hap-
pened between when you felt triggered and when you actually acted on the urge?” However, at the
beginning of treatment or anytime a new problem behavior emerges, a BA should be written out to
ensure that all factors are considered (Linehan, 1993a).
The BA should initially be completed by therapist and client together to ensure that the client
understands how to complete it. The goal is for the client to learn how to do thorough and accurate
BAs on his own when a problem behavior occurs, at least until you both have a good understanding
of why and how these behaviors are occurring.
Linehan (1993a) notes that most therapeutic errors are based on faulty assessment, which leads
to an inaccurate understanding of the behavior and why it’s happening. Therefore, she suggests
that when completing the BA, therapists walk clients through the situation, creating an exhaustive
description of the chain of events that led up to and followed the behavior.
Here are two sample Behavior Analysis Forms, followed by a blank version you can copy and
use with clients.
45
DBT Made Simple
SAMPLE BEHAVIOR ANALYSIS FORM

Date filled out: May 24, 2012 Date of problem behavior: May 23, 2012
CHAIN ANALYSIS OF PROBLEM BEHAVIOR

What is the problem behavior that I’m analyzing?
Suicide attempt
What things in myself and in my environment made me vulnerable to engaging in the problem
behavior?
Emotion mind was already high due to lack of sleep.
What prompting event in the environment started me on the chain to the problem behavior?
Had an argument with Rob, my partner.
What are the links in the chain between the prompting event and the problem behavior? (Be very
specific and detailed about what happened between the prompting event and the behavior.)
I argued with Rob. I went into the bedroom, laid down on the bed, and started crying. I was thinking of how lousy
life is and started remembering the last time we had a fight and how we didn’t talk for three days. I didn’t want to go
through that again and decided to kill myself. I got off the bed and locked the bedroom door, then I yelled at Rob that he
was going to be sorry. I started feeling happy because this was a way I could get back at him and also felt hopeful that
he would come and apologize and make things better. I walked into the bathroom and got the razor out of the cabinet and
started running water in the bathtub because I didn’t want to make a mess. I undressed and got in the tub. I heard Rob
coming down the hallway and asking me what I was doing. I listened to him at the door for a moment, then cut my left
wrist. I noticed that the pain brought relief and helped me feel a bit better. Rob started banging on the door and calling
to me, but I wouldn’t answer him. He broke the door down after a few minutes, then came running into the bathroom.
The scared look on his face made me feel regret and, at the same time, relief because I knew he was going to take care of
me. He came to the tub and hugged me. He told me he was sorry, that he loved me, and that everything would be okay.
He went into the bedroom and called 911, then he came back into the bathroom and helped me out of the tub, put towels
around my wrist, and helped me get dressed. The ambulance came and he rode with me to the hospital.
Keeping in mind that consequences can be immediate or delayed, answer the following questions
about your behavior:
1. What were the negative consequences?
I ended up in the hospital for two weeks and was unable to work. I felt guilty and hopeless for engaging in my
old behaviors
2. What were the positive consequences?
The fight with Rob ended, and he apologized and took care of me. I got to stay in the hospital for two weeks and take
a break, and I’ve been referred to a DBT therapist.
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SOLUTION ANALYSIS
Ways to reduce my vulnerability in the future:
Maintain healthier sleep habits.
Ways to prevent the prompting event from happening again. (You don’t always have control over
this, but see what ideas you can come up with.)
I know I can’t prevent arguments with Rob, but maybe practicing my interpersonal effectiveness skills will result in fewer
arguments. And hopefully by practicing these and other skills, I won’t get so triggered in the future and will learn to cope
more effectively.
Ways to work on changing the links in the chain from the prompting event to the problem
behavior. (How can you interrupt the links in the chain so that you’ll be less likely to engage in the
problem behavior next time?)
1. Instead of running away from Rob, I need to stop isolating myself when I’m feeling really depressed and angry. I
need to tell him how I’m feeling and ask for help.
2. When I noticed myself thinking about our last argument, I could have practiced mindfulness instead of allowing
myself to dwell on the past and worry about the future.
3. I need to work on using my interpersonal effectiveness skills more to ask for what I want or need instead of trying to
get my needs met by hurting myself.
4. When I first felt the urge to kill myself I could have used my distress tolerance skills instead of just letting myself act
on the urge.
Are there things you need to do to correct or repair the harm caused by the problem behavior?
I need to apologize to Rob for trying to kill myself and for scaring him so badly.
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DBT Made Simple
SAMPLE BEHAVIOR ANALYSIS FORM

Date filled out: July 15, 2012 Date of problem behavior: July 15, 2012

Binge eating
behavior?
I skipped breakfast and lunch.
I had a disagreement with my team leader at work. I was already feeling hungry because I hadn’t eaten breakfast or
lunch, and then I drove past a doughnut shop.
I did something that I thought would be helpful for my team leader, but when she found out she reprimanded me and
told me I shouldn’t have done it. I felt demoralized and frustrated, like I can never do anything right. I wasn’t able to
express this to her because my anxiety was too high. I left the situation feeling incompetent because I didn’t assert myself.
I returned to my office and packed up for the day. As I was leaving, I was thinking about other times I’ve felt this way
with my team leader, dwelling on the fact that she doesn’t like me and I’m sure she’s trying to get me to quit. I started
feeling more frustrated because sometimes I feel like I want to quit, but I can’t afford to. I started worrying about my
future and wondering if at some point she’ll find a way to fire me. I was thinking about all of these things as I left work.
On my usual route home I passed a doughnut shop and decided that I deserved some comfort food after the lousy day
I’d had. I decided to use the drive-through in case anyone I know was inside. I ordered a dozen doughnuts and started
eating them as I was driving home. Half the box was gone in the half hour it took to get home. I brought the rest into
the house with me. I fed the dogs, then I turned on the television to watch the news and ate the remaining six doughnuts
while watching TV.
I felt physically unwell that night and the next morning. I felt guilty for bingeing again, and I weighed two pounds more
the next day. Also, I spent almost $10 on the doughnuts, which I really can’t afford.
I felt relief from my emotions for a little while. I didn’t have to make dinner for myself, which I really didn’t feel like
doing, and the doughnuts tasted good!
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SOLUTION ANALYSIS
I know that skipping meals is a big trigger for me, so I need to make sure I eat breakfast and lunch. I also need to keep
working on being more assertive so I can feel better about myself after these interactions.
I can’t foresee what my team leader is going to approve or disapprove of, so I’m not sure how I could prevent her from
reprimanding me again. I do know that I need to work on asserting myself so that when she reprimands me, I’ll be able to
stick up for myself and at least feel better about how I handled the situation.
1. When my team leader reprimands me, I could stick up for myself more. In this case, I could have told her my side of
the story, explaining that I thought I was being helpful.
2. Instead of letting myself dwell on the other times this has happened and starting to worry about the future, I could
use mindfulness to help prevent my emotions from increasing.
3. I could take a different route home that doesn’t go past the doughnut shop.
4. If I go into the shop, I might buy fewer doughnuts because I worry what others will think.
5. Instead of eating while driving, I could eat mindfully, either sitting in the parking lot to eat, or waiting until I got
home. That way I wouldn’t be eating mindlessly and might have more control.
6. When I got home and stopped eating to feed the dogs, I could have tried to access my wise self instead of just
allowing myself to go back to eating without thinking about it.
7. Again, instead of watching TV while I eating, I could do just one thing at a time to get myself off automatic pilot.
Then I might stop eating sooner.
No, it’s just myself I let down when I binge.
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DBT Made Simple
BEHAVIOR ANALYSIS FORM

Date filled out: Date of problem behavior:

behavior?
50
SOLUTION ANALYSIS
51
DBT Made Simple
It’s important to make validation a part of the BA. I’ll discuss validation in detail in the next
chapter, so for now just bear in mind that completing a BA is often distressing for clients, especially
at the beginning of treatment. We can make this a bit less aversive for them by letting them know
that we understand their emotions and even the problem behavior; in this way, we can promote
acceptance before pushing for change.
A lot of attention should be devoted to the solution analysis: helping clients come up with ways
to reduce the likelihood that the behavior will occur again. Assist them in looking at each of the
links in the chain. Once they have learned some of the DBT skills, you’ll have more options in
terms of what they could have done differently and where they might intervene with skills the next
time this urge arises.
Interestingly, the BA itself can play a role in extinguishing the problem behavior. If clients find
doing behavior analyses aversive, they may come to see that this will be an inevitable consequence
of the behavior and therefore decide to not act on the urge in order to avoid the discomfort of
having to complete a BA!
WRAPPING UP
Now that you have a basic understanding of the most important behavioral concepts pertaining to
DBT, we’ll start looking at some of the other strategies used in individual sessions. The next chapter
outlines some of the specific DBT strategies and tools used in individual sessions. Although Dr.
Linehan’s (1993a) treatment was originally designed to be used with clients with BPD, these strate-
gies can be applied to other clients, and you can pick and choose which will be most effective
depending on the client you’re working with.
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CHAPTER 4
DBT Strategies for the

Individual Session
In this chapter, I’ll continue the discussion of what you need to know to conduct individual DBT
sessions by examining different styles of communicating with clients, including the importance of
validation. Next, I’ll look at some dialectical strategies that will help you balance validation with
pushing clients to change. Then I’ll discuss the importance of goal setting and homework and
address a few more considerations about the therapeutic relationship, including some ideas about
preparing clients for the end of therapy.
COMMUNICATION STYLES
In DBT, there are so many strategies to choose from that it can be difficult to know where to start.
However, whatever strategy we’re using, the one thing we’re constantly doing is communicating
with clients, so let’s start there. In DBT, Linehan (1993a) makes use of two specific styles of com-
munication: reciprocal and irreverent.
Reciprocal Communication
Reciprocal communication, by definition, is about sharing with the client: giving and taking in the
interaction, being warm and genuine, and treating the client as an equal. This includes the often-
controversial strategy of therapist self-disclosure.
DBT Made Simple
THERAPIST SELF-DISCLOSURE
Carew (2009) defines self-disclosure as making statements to the client that reveal personal infor-
mation about the therapist and notes that this remains controversial. Depending on your previous
training, the idea of self-disclosure may be counterintuitive and even scary. In more traditional
therapies, therapists sharing personal information with clients is viewed as inappropriate; rather, it
is thought that the therapist should be neutral, providing the blank slate clients need in order to
sort out their problems.
However, the idea that therapist self-disclosure can be helpful isn’t new. For example, Beck,
Freeman, and associates (1990) suggested that there is a place for therapist self-disclosure in CBT—
that by revealing personal reactions toward clients, therapists can help them understand the impact
they have on other people within the safety of the therapeutic relationship. Along these lines,
Carew (2009) notes that CBT clinicians regularly employ self-disclosure as a way of encouraging
reciprocity in clients who are inexperienced in sharing their personal stories with others.
Therapist self-disclosure is also supported by humanistic therapies as a way of engaging the
client in an authentic relationship. For example, Carl Rogers (1961) put forth the idea that the
therapeutic relationship will be more genuine and real when therapists can simply be who they are,
rather putting on a facade for the client.
Even more so than in other therapies, in DBT it’s important that the therapist-client relationship
be strong and positive. Linehan (1993a) notes that the effectiveness of many DBT strategies relies
upon the strength and genuineness of the relationship. In addition, at times the relationship will be
what helps the therapist maintain a working alliance with the client, especially when the therapist’s
reaction might otherwise be to lash out or abandon therapy with the client (Linehan, 1993a).
Linehan (1993a) notes that in DBT self-disclosure serves a variety of functions: It can be used
to validate or normalize the client’s experience (e.g., the therapist might share that she had a similar
situation in which she felt the same way); to problem solve (e.g., the therapist might disclose solu-
tions that she’s tried to handle a similar problem); or to model how to engage in self-disclosure,
teaching the client how to share her own experiences in an appropriate way.
Therapist self-disclosure is also used as exposure therapy and contingency management when
the therapist uses self-involving self-disclosure—disclosing her reactions to the client’s behavior (Linehan,
1993a). In this type of self-disclosure, the therapist identifies her own internal reactions to the client,
communicating them directly to the client. A common example might be a client who isn’t complet-
ing her Behavior Tracking Sheets regularly. In response, the therapist might say, “I understand that
the tracking sheets can be a pain to fill out, but you say you understand how important they are.
Each time you come to session without them completed, I feel less motivated to work with you.”
GUIDELINES FOR SELF-DISCLOSURE

Of utmost importance to point out here is that you must use validation in conjunction with
self-disclosure, especially when providing self-involving self-disclosure. Remember the dialectical
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DBT Strategies for the Individual Session
tension between these two: you can’t only push for change; you have to accept clients as they are
(validate) and push for change at the same time.
We also have to remember that while there are times when self-disclosure is helpful and even
necessary, we must always be thinking about what will be most helpful—and what could be
harmful—to the client and the therapeutic relationship. Linehan (1993a) reminds us that decisions
about what we disclose to our clients must always be based on what will be most helpful and the
relevance of the disclosure to the current topic of discussion. For example, one of my clients has a
long history of binge-eating disorder, and we’ve been working on this behavior that interferes with
her quality of life regularly in our individual sessions. Recently, the client asked me if I had ever
struggled with eating problems. Understanding that she was looking for some reassurance and
hope that she could successfully reduce her bingeing, I told her that I had had a period in my life
when I struggled with my weight and was able to get it under control. I also let her know that I’m
a chocoholic and therefore could relate to her urges to eat. I shared some techniques that had
worked for me, and we then went on to look at more skills to help her with these issues.
My self-disclosure served a specific purpose: it was validating for the client to hear that someone
she looks up to has had struggles similar to her own, and letting her know that I understand and have
had similar experiences helped strengthen our relationship. Of course, there’s a dialectical dilemma:
as therapists, we need to balance self-disclosure with observing our limits. If, for example, I’d once
had an eating disorder and it was too uncomfortable for me to acknowledge this even if it might have
been helpful to the client, I would need to observe this limit and not engage in self-disclosure.
The key is to aim for balance. Many therapists come from a background that labels therapist
self-disclosure as inappropriate. If this is you, keep in mind that just because it feels uncomfortable
to disclose something, that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t do it; it just means you need to think about
it carefully and weigh the possible benefits against the possible discomfort you might experience.
You can also ask yourself why it’s uncomfortable. Is it because you think you shouldn’t disclose, or
because this is something personal you’d rather not share with the client?
VALIDATION
The other major component of the reciprocal communication style is validation, which is the
main acceptance strategy in DBT (Swales, Heard, & Williams, 2000). Linehan (1993a) defines valida-
tion as communicating that the client’s responses make sense and are understandable given what’s
currently taking place in her life. Validation means taking the client’s responses seriously, rather
than discounting or minimizing them. Linehan (1993a) notes that effective validation requires that
the therapist recognize and reflect back to clients the intrinsic validity in their reactions to situa-
tions and events.
Early in her research, Linehan (1993a) discovered that using CBT to treat BPD was ineffective.
She attributed this to CBT’s focus on change, a focus likely to be perceived as invalidating by clients
with difficulties regulating their emotions. As Swales and Heard (2009) point out, being told that
you must change is invalidating in and of itself, even when you are able to see the truth in it.
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DBT Made Simple
This is the main dialectic in DBT: balancing pushing clients to make changes in life while at the
same time accepting the way they are and the life they’re leading, as well as encouraging them to
accept themselves. If the therapist pushes too hard for change and doesn’t focus enough on accep-
tance, the client will feel invalidated and will be unable to work effectively in therapy. But too much
acceptance and not enough push for change will create a sense of hopelessness, which will also
result in an inability to work effectively in therapy (Swales et al., 2000).
Linehan (1997) outlines six different levels of validation:
1. Listening and observing: The therapist actively tries to understand what the client is
saying, feeling, and doing, demonstrating genuine interest in her and actively working
to get to know her. This entails paying close attention to both verbal and nonverbal
communication and remaining fully present.
2. Accurate reflection: The therapist accurately and nonjudgmentally reflects back the
feelings, thoughts, behaviors, and so on expressed by the client. At this level, the thera-
pist is sufficiently in tune with the client to identify her perspective accurately.
3. Articulating the unverbalized: The therapist communicates to the client that she
understands the client’s experiences and responses that haven’t been stated directly.
In other words, the therapist interprets the client’s behavior to determine what the
client feels or thinks based on her knowledge of events. The therapist picks up on
emotions and thoughts the client hasn’t expressed through observation and specula-
tion based on her knowledge of the client. This type of validation can be very power-
ful because, while clients often observe themselves accurately, they can also invalidate
themselves and discount their own perceptions because of the mistrust fostered in
them by their environment.
4. Validating in terms of sufficient (but not necessarily valid) causes: The therapist vali-
dates client behavior in relation to its causes, communicating to the client that her feel-
ings, thoughts, and behaviors make sense in the context of her current and past life
experience and her physiology (e.g., biological illness). This level of validation goes
against the belief of many clients that they should be different in some way (for example,
“I should be able to manage my emotions better”).
5. Validating as reasonable in the moment: The therapist communicates that the client’s
behavior is understandable and effective given the current situation, typical biological
functioning, and life goals. It’s important for the therapist to find something in the
response that’s valid, even if it’s only a small part of the response (for example, letting
a client know that it’s understandable she would resort to cutting herself because it
provides temporary relief, even though it doesn’t help her reach her long-term goals).
6. Treating the person as valid—radical genuineness: The therapist sees the client as she
is, acknowledging her difficulties and challenges, as well as her strengths and inherent
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wisdom. The therapist responds to her as an equal, deserving of respect, rather than
seeing her as just a client or patient, or, worse, as a disorder. Linehan (1997) points out
that level 6 validation involves acting in ways that assume the individual is capable, but
that this must come from the therapist’s genuine self, and that at this level, almost any
response by the therapist can be validating: “The key is in what message the therapist’s
behavior communicates and how accurate the message is” (p. 379).
Swales and Heard (2009) note that, in addition to these different levels of validation, there are
also two different types of validation: explicit verbal validation, which is the more direct validation that
occurs in all six levels described by Linehan’s (1997), and implicit functional validation, in which the
therapist validates with actions rather than words. For example, say a client comes in distressed
over the end of a common-law relationship and reports that she has to find a new place to live as
soon as possible because she can no longer tolerate the abuse she’s been experiencing from her
partner. There are many ways of providing explicit verbal validation for the client in this moment,
from a level 1 validation, staying in the present with the client and remaining interested and express-
ing concern, to a level 6 validation, such as “I’m so glad you’ve finally been able to make this tough
decision. I’ve been so concerned for you.”
In implicit functional validation, rather than validating with words, the therapist does so by
means of her response to the client, moving directly to problem solving. As Swales and Heard
note, “Sometimes the most validating response to a client’s dilemma is to help them to solve it”
(2009, p. 95).
Facial expressions and body language can also be implicitly validating. For example, if a client
is telling you a very sad story, hopefully she will see in your facial expression that you feel sad as
well. Or if a client comes in and shares a success story with you and you smile broadly and break
into applause, that would be implicitly validating, as the message you are conveying isn’t verbal but
is clear nonetheless.
Irreverent Communication
Irreverent communication is the dialectical opposite of reciprocal communication. While reciprocal
communication is about being warm, genuine, and giving, irreverence is blunt and confrontational
and makes use of honesty and an offbeat sense of humor at the same time. It relies on a well-
developed therapeutic alliance and on the therapist having a good understanding of how the client
will respond to this type of communication. Most important, irreverence is not meant to be mean-
spirited or invalidating, so this type of communication must be followed by validation, warmth, and
support, or it can be construed as more of the invalidation the client has experienced her entire life.
The point of irreverence is to throw the client off balance, so one of the goals here is to say
something the client doesn’t expect. Linehan (1993a) describes a number of different kinds of
irreverence, but here are some of the main qualities of an irreverent response:
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DBT Made Simple
UÊ It entails calling something as you see it. Sometimes this means discussing dysfunctional
behaviors such as self-harming in a matter-of-fact way. An example would be telling a
client she shouldn’t kill herself because it will interfere with therapy (Linehan, 1993a).
UÊ Irreverence is a straightforward and direct way of communicating aimed at aspects of

the client that aren’t fragile.
UÊ Irreverence is a way of helping both therapist and client get unstuck.
It’s also important to remember that reciprocal and irreverent communication must be inter-
woven throughout the individual session, again, to work on that balance between acceptance and
change. As Linehan says, “Reciprocity by itself is in danger of being too ‘sweet’; irreverence used
alone is in danger of being too ‘mean’” (1993a, p. 397).
DIALECTICAL STRATEGIES
While how we talk to our clients is very important, obviously what we say is just as important!
Linehan (1993a) describes a number of dialectical strategies that intrinsically include both accep-
tance and change; it is this synthesis of acceptance and change that promotes change in the client
(Swales & Heard, 2009). Following is a brief description of three of these dialectical strategies.
Devil’s Advocate
Playing the devil’s advocate is a technique used in the beginning stages of therapy in an attempt
to obtain commitment from the client to engage in DBT, but it’s also a useful strategy at other
points in therapy. The essence of this technique is that by arguing against something, the therapist
can help the client argue for it, and through this process a synthesis can be achieved. Returning to
my client who was struggling with binge eating, let’s take a look at how I used this technique to help
strengthen her commitment to change:
Therapist: You tell me that you want to stop bingeing, but at the same time you tell me that
when you have the urge you don’t want to use skills, you want to just eat. Do
you think you’re really committed to stopping the bingeing?
Client: Absolutely. I am committed. I know I have to stop.
Therapist: Knowing you have to stop and wanting to stop are two different things. Do you
really feel committed to this goal?
Client: Yes. I do want to work on it. I’m gaining so much weight, and my cholesterol is
high. I know this is causing health problems for me.
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Therapist: Yes, but you’ve known for quite some time now that your cholesterol is high
and that your weight is getting out of control. What’s suddenly different now
that makes you want to stop? Or what do you think you can do differently to
help you stop?
Client: I’ve always wanted to stop. I just haven’t seen a way to do it because it’s so hard.
I know we’ve talked about a lot of skills, and maybe I just haven’t put as much
effort into it as I could have. I think I need to go back and review the skills we’ve
already talked about that will help me stop; for example, being mindful when
the urge comes up and choosing to distract myself from the urge instead of just
acting on it.
Therapist: Okay, that sounds like a great place to start.
You can see from this example that I wasn’t telling the client that I thought she wasn’t commit-
ted or that I thought she wouldn’t be able to stop bingeing. The idea is not to be discouraging, but
to question or argue with clients in a way that gets them thinking about and arguing for the other
side. Sometimes, as in this instance, it helps them generate a solution that they’ll be more likely to
implement, since it was their idea.
Use of Metaphor
Linehan (1993a) notes that using metaphors provides an alternative, interesting way of teaching
clients how to think dialectically, as well as opening up the possibility of behaving in a new way. Of
course, using metaphors in therapy isn’t unique to DBT; it has been stressed in many psychothera-
pies and is also frequently used informally in therapy. Its usefulness should not be underestimated.
Lankton and Lankton (1989) note that therapeutic metaphors don’t provoke the same kind of
resistance to new ideas that direct suggestions often can; rather, they are experienced as a more
gentle way of considering change.
According to Lyddon, Clay, and Sparks (2001), the use of metaphors in therapy can be helpful
in numerous ways, including the following:
UÊ Establishing rapport with clients
UÊ Assisting clients in accessing their emotions
UÊ Challenging client beliefs
UÊ Working with client resistance (in DBT terms, helping therapist and client get unstuck
from dialectical dilemmas)
UÊ Introducing new ways of thinking
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DBT Made Simple
Linehan (1993a) points out some additional factors that make metaphors important in therapy,
including the fact that stories are more interesting and therefore easier to recall; that metaphors are
flexible, allowing clients to use them for different reasons and in their own way, which also provides
them with a sense of autonomy; and that stories can be less threatening, as the point of the story is
less direct.
The main purpose of using metaphors as a dialectical strategy is for the therapist to communi-
cate acceptance and understanding of where clients are currently and, at the same time, to present
an alternative that will assist clients in moving toward change. An example of this is the burn victim
analogy in chapter 2. When the therapist describes emotion dysregulation to the client as the
equivalent of having third-degree burns all over her body, the client both senses that the therapist
understands the pain she’s in and sees the necessity of doing something to help the burns heal.
Here’s a brief dialogue with another example of the use of metaphor:
Client: I’m just not sure how much longer I can cope with everything that’s happen-
ing. I feel like I’m standing on the edge of a cliff, and I’m not so sure I don’t
want to jump.
Therapist: Jumping isn’t the only option. You could also take the climbing equipment I’m
holding and slowly climb down that cliff. That’s what the DBT skills are for.
Wickman, Daniels, White, and Fesmire (1999) point out that metaphors will be more effective
when they utilize the client’s own language. In other words, whenever possible go with metaphors
the client offers, as in the example above, since the client obviously relates to them.
Making Lemonade Out of Lemons

You’ve probably heard the saying “making lemonade out of lemons” or some version of it. In
DBT, this requires therapists to take an apparent problem and turn it into something positive. As
Linehan (1993a) points out, this is another skill that must be used with caution so it doesn’t seem
like invalidation of the client or minimizing the seriousness of the problem. To use her metaphor,
“The skill of the therapist is in finding the silver lining without denying that the cloud is indeed
black” (Linehan, 1993a, p. 217). Here’s an example:
Client: I’m having a really hard time coming to group because I can’t stand Michael.
He’s always talking and never gives anyone else a chance to speak up in group.
He’s driving me nuts.
Therapist: That’s great news, since we’ve been looking for opportunities for you to prac-
tice being nonjudgmental!
The therapist would then discuss with the client ways she could practice being nonjudgmental
in group, as well as other related skills if applicable.
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GOAL SETTING IN DBT

The dialectical strategies outlined above are just a few such strategies used in DBT to help clients
get unstuck. Of course, we also need to work with clients to forge an agreement on what we’re
working on. As with many therapies, in DBT it is extremely important to assist clients in setting
concrete goals, or behavioral targets. In fact, Linehan (1993a) identifies this as a crucial step that
must be taken before therapy even starts, which makes sense, as both therapist and client must be
on the same page in terms of goals if therapy is to have any chance of success. If an agreement
cannot be reached (for example, if the client won’t agree to a goal of stopping self-harming behav-
iors), the therapist may suggest that DBT isn’t for her, at least at this point in time.
We began looking at behavioral targets in chapter 2, with the outline for the individual DBT
session and the order in which problems are discussed: behaviors that interfere with life first, then
those that interfere with therapy, and, finally, those that interfere with quality of life. Goal setting
is much more complicated and will progress as your alliance with the client develops. From the
outset, it’s important to remind clients of the overarching goal in DBT: to create a life worth living
(Linehan, 1993a), which includes eliminating suicidal and self-harming behavior. There are usually
many behaviors that therapist and client can agree need to stop in order to achieve this goal.
It’s also important to remind clients that you’re talking about goals or targets at this stage. Just
because you’re suggesting a goal of stopping self-harming behavior doesn’t mean the client is
expected to do this all at once; rather, this is something she’s agreeing to work toward.
The Role of Validation in Setting Goals

Telling the client that she has to or should change a behavior is inherently invalidating, as it
indicates that there is something wrong with the behavior (and, by extension, with the client for
engaging in this behavior). So when discussing behavioral targets, it’s important to surround the
conversation with validation: first, find something about the behavior to validate. Repetitive behav-
iors always serve some sort of purpose, or we wouldn’t continue to engage in them. (By the way, if
you’re not yet sure what purpose the behavior serves, it’s okay to say just that; for example, “Even
though we don’t yet know what you get out of this behavior, it obviously does something for you,
or you wouldn’t still be doing it.”) Here’s an example with my client who was having difficulties
with bingeing.
Client: I don’t understand why I can’t just stop myself from eating; I know it’s bad for
me, and I really do want to stop. What’s wrong with me?
Therapist: If it were that easy, I’m sure you would have stopped a long time ago. You have
to remind yourself that bingeing is a way you’ve developed to help yourself deal
with intense anxiety. Even though you know it’s not healthy for you, it’s the way
you’ve learned to deal with your emotions. So when things get tough, it makes
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sense that bingeing is the way of coping you’re most comfortable with and that
you’re still falling back into that old habit. That means we have to help you learn
some new, healthier ways of coping, so that eventually you’ll be able to turn to
them instead.
You can see from this short dialogue that I already have a good understanding of why this client
turns to bingeing to help her deal with emotions, so I am able to provide level 5 validation. Then I
provide a rationale for why the behavior needs to change (which is brief because the client is
already agreeable to working on this as a goal) and reassurance that we’ll work on teaching her new
skills that will help her change.
When Disagreements Arise about Goals

Of course, we’re not always going to be able to agree with clients on what should be a goal in
order to create a life worth living. For example, earlier I mentioned a client who wanted to stop
using crack cocaine but didn’t want to stop drinking, even though her drinking was excessive and
often led to episodes of drug use. So what do you do when this reluctance arises? Two key DBT
approaches are examining the costs and benefits, and acceptance.
EXAMINING THE COSTS AND BENEFITS

Looking at the costs, or negative consequences, of a behavior can help clients come to the
conclusion that they want to make changing the behavior a goal. If you’ve identified a behavior that
you think needs to change but the client disagrees, help her to look at the costs and benefits of the
behavior. In chapter 8, I’ll discuss a formal cost-benefit analysis. However, you can also explore this
informally by asking the following kinds of questions:
UÊ What are the negative consequences that occur when you engage in this behavior?
UÊ How do you feel about yourself after you’ve behaved in this way?
UÊ How do the people you care about respond to you when you behave this way?
UÊ What are the benefits, or positive consequences, that occur when you engage in this
behavior?
UÊ What function does the behavior serve? What do you get out of behaving in this way?
This kind of analysis can help you and the client determine what needs the behavior is meeting
and what is reinforcing the behavior. At the end of this discussion, hopefully the client will be able
to see the costs of her behavior. That doesn’t mean she’ll be ready to give it up, but it does mean
she’s one step closer to considering setting it as a goal to be worked on.
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ACCEPTANCE
In my experience, clients are often reluctant to look at making something a goal because of fear.
When this is the case, remember that you probably have enough goals to keep you busy for a while
anyway, and as you work on preexisting goals, you’ll probably be building the client’s trust (and
teaching her skills). With time, she might be more comfortable revisiting the potential goal. It can
be more productive to accept that the client isn’t willing to work on this behavior yet, rather than
pushing. Even if pushing results in an agreement to set a goal, the chances that she will actually
working on it are slim, since it’s really your goal, not hers. Also keep in mind that just because
you’re accepting her refusal in the moment doesn’t mean you can’t continue to gently point out
those times when you see the behavior directly impacting her life in a negative way.
Homework
A discussion of goal setting wouldn’t be complete without looking at one of the most important
aspects of treatment: homework. If you keep in mind that you’ll only see each client about one hour
per week or less, you can see why homework is essential. Nothing is going to change if clients aren’t
working on goals outside of session.
If homework is to be helpful, it must be collaborative: the client must understand the rationale
and buy into it, or she probably won’t do it. If I give more than one task for homework, I ask clients
to write them down so they don’t forget. I also write the homework down myself so I remember to
ask about each task in the next session to ensure clients follow up and that the homework is there-
fore meaningful. Reviewing this list at the end of session is also a good idea, ensuring that clients
understand the homework and providing an opportunity to troubleshoot any problems that might
get in the way of completing the tasks assigned.
Reviewing homework should be one of the first thing that happens in the next session. This can
often be incorporated with looking at the client’s Behavior Tracking Sheet. For example, you might
say, “There was an episode of cutting on Thursday; did you complete a BA?” or “I see that you
practiced mindfulness every day this week as we discussed last session for homework. Nice job!”
Other times, however, the homework may be quite separate. For example, I asked my client
with binge-eating disorder to complete a food journal in addition to her Behavior Tracking Sheet.
Another example would be doing exposure therapy to help reduce social anxiety. Regardless, make
sure that homework is addressed at some point so you can reinforce the client for completing it and
provide validation and feedback. Of course, it’s also important to know if the homework wasn’t
completed, in which case this is addressed as a behavior that interferes with therapy.
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ENDING THERAPY
Linehan (1993a) notes the importance of preparing clients with BPD for the eventual termination of
therapy from the very outset. For other client populations, the timing of the discussion of termina-
tion depends on the limits of the environment in which you work. In my private practice, I can see
clients as long as they wish to be seen—as long as therapy remains helpful. In my work in a hospital
clinic, however, in the very first session I tell patients that we have twelve sessions, or approximately
six months of therapy, in which to work on their goals. I find that this helps clients remain focused
on goals and helps them work harder at practicing skills and doing homework tasks that might help
them reach those goals. I also provide periodic reminders. At session six, I advise them that we’re
halfway through treatment and ask for feedback about how they feel we’re progressing. I ask whether
we’re working on what they want to work on, whether there are things they’d like to talk about that
we haven’t looked at yet, and so on. From session eight on, I remind them what session we’re at. We
also discuss whether they need referrals to other agencies to carry on with work that remains unfin-
ished or that we haven’t been able to get to in our brief time together.
Whenever possible, I find it useful to taper sessions with clients rather than stopping treatment
suddenly. Tapering gives people the opportunity to have more accountability to themselves to
continue using skills while still knowing that in, say, a month, they have to come back and report
on their progress. As some clients have put it, this allows them the freedom to do the work them-
selves but still hang onto me as a “security blanket” for a little while.
Linehan (1993a) discusses the possibility of continued contact between therapist and client
when therapy is over. Rather than making the assumption that there will be no further contact, she
says that therapist and client should discuss whether or not they wish to have ongoing contact, and
if so, what the limits surrounding this will be. I certainly agree that if it’s possible to have some sort
of ongoing contact, this is extremely helpful in assisting clients in gradually transitioning out of
therapy, especially with BPD clients. Seeing someone weekly or biweekly for such a long period of
time and then no longer being able to have contact with that person is much more difficult to
accept than a gradual reduction of contact, especially for clients with BPD, who have probably had
lifelong difficulties with relationships.
WRAPPING UP
In this chapter you’ve learned a lot about how to conduct an individual session using DBT. I dis-
cussed different communication styles, some of the dialectical strategies, goal setting, and ending
therapy. Now that you have more of an understanding of the foundation of DBT, in part 2 I’ll
present the building blocks: the specific skills you’ll be teaching clients in individual sessions or in
skills training groups, depending on your resources and the format you’ve chosen.
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PA R T 2
The Skills
CHAPTER 5
Introducing Clients
to Mindfulness
Just as we tell clients to have patience, that their understanding of skills will increase with practice,
I’d like to remind you of this as well. There’s a lot to learn in order to be able to provide DBT effec-
tively, but as you practice the skills, things will start to fall into place.
This brings me to one of the key factors in DBT: therapists must practice the skills they are
teaching. If you try to teach them without practicing them, you won’t have the complete under-
standing needed to relate to the problems clients will experience as they work on integrating the
skills into their lives. Imagine trying to explain a rock climbing technique to someone when you’ve
never climbed anything more than a ladder! It’s difficult to teach something you don’t fully under-
stand, and the only way to fully understand is to practice what you’re preaching. Therefore, in part
2 of the book, I’ll more often address you, the reader, directly, since the fundamental qualities of
human experience and the benefits of the skills apply equally to therapists and clients alike.
So, with that said, let’s turn to the first skill, the core skill in DBT: mindfulness. As with any skill,
the first step in teaching mindfulness to clients is getting them to buy into it. So your initial task is
to convince clients that mindfulness will be helpful. Because mindfulness isn’t a component of tra-
ditional therapy, I find a little more convincing is needed than for many of the other skills. People
often question it and are skeptical of it. Therefore, it’s especially important to relate it to the client’s
needs and to use language that is not only understandable, but acceptable to the client.
WHAT IS MINDFULNESS?
There are many ways of defining mindfulness, and it’s important to find the definition that works
best for you. My favorite is this: doing one thing at a time, in the present moment, with your full
DBT Made Simple
attention, and with acceptance. I then break this down into two parts for clients. The first is aware-
ness: focusing on the present moment, concentrating on whatever you happen to be doing in that
moment—walking, driving, having a conversation, playing with a pet, and so on.
The second part—and the part people tend to overlook—is acceptance: simply being aware of
your experience without judging it. So if you notice that you’re feeling anxious, just accept it. If you
notice that you’re bored or you’re thinking, This exercise is pointless, just acknowledge it. If you have
pain in your body, just allow yourself to sense it, rather than judging your experience. Mindfulness
is about experiencing things as they are without trying to change them.
I also have some advice about what not to say. When talking to clients about mindfulness, espe-
cially when they’re first learning about it, I avoid using the word “meditation.” Although mindful-
ness is a form of meditation, many people have stereotypical ideas about what meditation is (for
example, sitting on the floor in the lotus position and chanting “Om”) that can cloud their under-
standing of mindfulness and perhaps make them less likely to practice.
And while mindfulness has its roots in Zen Buddhism, I also avoid even the slightest reference
to this because I find that some people become convinced that mindfulness is a religious practice.
That may be either positive or negative for the individual, and until you know, it’s best to not bring
it up. Unless clients bring these issues up, I tend to stay away from them, at least until they have a
good understanding of mindfulness and are practicing regularly.
SELLING MINDFULNESS TO CLIENTS

After explaining what mindfulness is, it’s important to personalize the skill for clients. Remember,
it’s your job to convince them that mindfulness will be helpful, so think about the problems they’ve
identified that they would like to work on, and then explain how mindfulness will help with these
target behaviors. Let’s take a look at some of the typical problems mindfulness can help with.
Taking Control of Your Mind

Most clients will easily acknowledge that they spend too much time in the past, reliving nega-
tive things that have happened, or in the future, worrying, catastrophizing, and “what-iffing.” Ask
clients if they do one or the other or both. Next, ask them what emotions come up when they’re
living in the past (depression, sadness, anger, regret, shame, and so on) or in the future (anxiety,
worry, sadness, etc.). Typically, they can readily identify which emotions they experience. Then
present them with the alternative of living in the present moment more often. Of course, the
present moment often has pain in it as well. But when they are living in the present moment and it’s
painful, at least they’re only dealing with the pain of the present, rather than the pain of the present,
the past, and the future simultaneously. In other words, when they’re being mindful, they only have
pain multiplied by one, rather than pain multiplied by three.
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Introducing Clients to Mindfulness
I explain to clients that previously their mind has been controlling them, taking them wherever
it wants to go. Mindfulness is about taking that control back, so that when they see their mind
going to the past or the future, they have a choice whether they want to go there. It’s also impor-
tant to mention that, like any skill, mindfulness takes practice and can be strengthened through
training, and that research indicates that strengthening this ability can reduce symptoms of depres-
sion and anxiety, including rumination (Masicampo & Baumeister, 2007).
Next, I explain the second part of mindfulness: acceptance. We humans tend to fight the things
that cause us pain (something I’ll discuss further in chapter 10). Unfortunately, this tendency actu-
ally causes more pain. If you can work on accepting whatever you find in the present moment,
you’ll actually experience less pain in life. Some things in life can’t be changed, but you can change
your relationship to them.
Improving Emotion Regulation

Because living in the present moment reduces the amount of emotional pain clients experience,
it makes emotions easier to manage. I tell clients to think of their emotions as being contained in a
bucket inside of them. If they’re walking around with their bucket full to the brim with emotions—
in part due to living in the past and the future—it only takes one small event to make the bucket
overflow. This results in problem behaviors such as lashing out, substance use, and suicidal behav-
iors. If clients are practicing mindfulness, the level of emotions in the bucket is automatically
lowered because they aren’t generating extra pain by living in the past or the future. And again, the
less emotional pain they have, the easier it will be to manage.
In addition, when we live more in the present moment, we’re more aware of what’s happening
within ourselves: thoughts, physical sensations, and emotions. This increased awareness helps us
tune in to any emotions that might be present more quickly, providing an opportunity to choose
how to act, rather than just reacting and allowing emotions to control us. As Bennett-Goleman
(2001) puts it, “Instead of being swept away and captured by a thought or feeling, mindfulness
steadily observes those thoughts and feelings as they come and go” (p. 9).
Looking at mindfulness in this way, it’s reasonable to expect that, in the long run, it will be
helpful with problems such as mood and anxiety disorders, anger problems, eating disorders, and
substance abuse problems, as well as just generally helping people live healthier, happier lives.
Increasing Behavioral Control

I often hear people talking about their behavior as though they have no control over it: “I just
couldn’t help myself” or “I didn’t even think about it; I just did it.” Although clients might often feel
as though they have no control over their behavior, it’s important to emphasize that this isn’t the
case.
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Again, the key to not acting on urges and to increasing control over our actions is awareness.
Mindfulness helps us become more aware of what we’re thinking and feeling so that when an
unwanted urge does arise, we become aware of it more quickly and can take action to help prevent
engaging in the behavior. As I’ll discuss further in chapter 8 when I cover how to manage urges,
increasing the time between when the urge arises and when we act on it gradually helps break the
habit of engaging in that behavior. As Masicampo and Baumeister note, “Systematic practice grad-
ually erodes patterns of habitual responding” (as quoted in Chambers, Lo, & Allen, 2008, p. 304).
Developing self-control is similar to building muscle: we have to exercise it to improve our control
over ourselves. Mindfulness is one way of developing this self-control. It also helps improve our
understanding of why we respond in particular ways, which helps us stop habitual or reactive
behaviors (Wilkinson-Tough, Bocci, Thorne, & Herlihy, 2010).
Improving Concentration and Memory

If you think of your mind similar to a muscle, you can understand that it needs to be exercised.
Mindfulness is an exercise that helps strengthen the mind in many ways, including enhancing the
ability to concentrate. Because a key aspect of mindfulness is noticing when your attention wanders
and intentionally bringing it back to whatever you’re doing in the present, over time this improves
your ability to concentrate.
This has another benefit, as well: when you’re focusing on the present and whatever you’re
doing in that moment, you’ll have a better memory of it later. How many times have you washed
your hair twice in the shower or driven home from work and suddenly realized you have no recol-
lection of the last ten minutes of the drive? When you’re not fully engaged in the present moment,
you’ll have little or no memory of it later on.
I recently discussed this with a client who realized she had little memory of her three-year-old
son’s life because an anxiety disorder kept her constantly living in the future. She was so focused
on thinking and worrying about what might happen that she was hardly ever fully in the present
moment and therefore had little memory of daily life with her son.
Engaging in Life
When you’re in the present moment more often, you’re more able to engage in life. This not
only means that you’ll remember things better, but that you’ll also really be there to enjoy any posi-
tive emotions and experiences. Quite often people miss out on positive events, especially the
smaller ones, because they’re so busy thinking about something else. When you’re in the present
moment, you’re just more there in your life, whatever may be happening.
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Relaxation
While it’s important to emphasize to clients that mindfulness isn’t intended as a relaxation
technique, it should be pointed out that relaxation is often a beneficial side effect. When you do
only one thing at a time and focus your full attention on that one thing, life becomes less over-
whelming and chaotic, which helps you feel more relaxed. In addition, many of the activities people
choose to do mindfully are inherently relaxing: taking a hot bath, sitting outside and watching the
wildlife, listening to music, and so on. When you actually pay attention to these activities, rather
than doing them while thinking about the past or the future, you’ll feel more relaxed.
The Research
Once I’ve given clients my spiel about how mindfulness will help them, I find it useful to back
this up with research findings. This is another way of convincing clients that mindfulness will be
helpful, and isn’t just some abstract, “airy-fairy” concept. It’s been studied extensively, and knowing
this helps clients buy into and practice this skill.
When discussing the research, you obviously don’t want to bore clients to tears, and again,
think about ways to personalize this information. There is more and more research being done on
mindfulness for different mental health problems and physical conditions. Keep yourself up-to-
date so you can give clients the most current information.
Some of the current evidence indicates that living life more mindfully can improve immune
function and the ability to cope with physical illness. It can also reduce stress, anxiety, depression,
and sleep problems and generally increase the ability to enjoy life (Harvard Health Publications,
2004). In addition, mindfulness improves the capacity to be self-aware and tolerate upsetting
thoughts, and by activating a specific part of the brain that’s connected to experiencing happiness
and optimism, it triggers positive feelings (Harvard Health Publications, 2004).
Regular practice of formal mindfulness meditation is proving to have even more positive effects,
actually changing the physiological makeup of the brain. Hanson and Mendius (2009) note that
regular practice improves psychological functions in certain areas of the brain, which has a positive
effect on mood; improves attention, compassion, and empathy; decreases stress-related cortisol
levels; improves overall immune system functioning; and specifically helps a variety of medical condi-
tions, including heart problems, asthma, type 2 diabetes, premenstrual syndrome, and chronic pain.
HOW TO PRACTICE MINDFULNESS

Once clients buy into mindfulness and can see how it will be helpful for them, I turn to teaching
them how to practice mindfulness. I find it easiest to break mindfulness down into four steps:
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1. Choose an activity. Although you can practice mindfulness in an infinite number of

ways, it’s important to personalize this for clients. Give them some examples of how
they can practice mindfulness based on what you know about them. For example, if a
client has spoken with you about her children or pets, mention that she can spend time
with them mindfully. If she plays a sport or has a hobby, suggest engaging in it
mindfully.
2. Focus on the activity. The second step to practicing mindfulness is to start to focus on
being in the present moment with whatever activity has been chosen.
3. Notice when your attention wanders. Remind clients that it’s natural for attention to
wander. Our brains generate thousands of thoughts daily, so it’s inevitable that this will
happen; the important thing is to notice it when it happens. So the third step is just
being aware that attention has wandered from the present moment.
4. Gently bring your attention back. The final step is accepting that attention has wan-
dered—being gentle rather than judging oneself—and bringing attention back to the
present moment. In other words, we just notice that we’re no longer focusing on the
activity and bring our attention back to it without judging ourselves for wandering, and
without judging anything about our experience.
The trick is to continue to do steps 3 and 4 over and over again: noticing that attention has
wandered and bringing it back to the present moment. I find it helpful to emphasize to clients that
they might have to bring their attention back continuously when they first start practicing mindful-
ness, and that this is okay—that it is, in fact, what mindfulness is all about. Mindfulness isn’t so
much about staying in the present moment; it’s about noticing when your attention has wandered
and returning to the present. Of course, it’s important to find the dialectical balance between ensur-
ing that clients understand that mindfulness is difficult and helping them believe that they will be
able to do it.
Monkey Mind and Puppies

There are two analogies I find helpful when teaching mindfulness. The first is the Buddhist
metaphor (which I don’t introduce as being a Buddhist metaphor!) for the typical state of the
human mind: monkey mind. The mind is often like a monkey: jumping around, constantly dis-
tracted and wandering, chattering about different things, and nearly impossible to quiet. This helps
clients understand that their experience of being distracted while practicing mindfulness isn’t
unusual and is, in fact, pretty typical.
The second analogy helps clients have a little more patience with themselves while practicing
mindfulness. Most people either have had a puppy at some point or have known someone who did
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and can relate to what it’s like to train a puppy. When you first start to train the puppy to sit and
stay, what happens? You turn around and slowly take a few steps in another direction, and the
puppy is up and following you right away. You don’t get angry with the puppy, calling it stupid or
an idiot for not staying; you understand that the puppy isn’t yet trained and doesn’t know how to
sit and stay. The client’s mind is the puppy, and mindfulness is how she will train her mind to sit and
stay. When she first begins, of course her mind isn’t going to listen—it has never been trained and
doesn’t know how. She needs to have patience with her mind rather than judging it. (This is also a
useful metaphor later on, in that even well-trained puppies have a hard time sitting and staying
when they’re excited or distressed in some way, just as intense emotions of any sort make it harder
to practice mindfulness, even for experienced practitioners.)
Even with these helpful metaphors, most clients still become frustrated and have difficulties
with mindfulness, and this calls for validation. Reassure clients that their difficulties are typical,
that mindfulness is hard, and that, over time, it will get easier—the puppy will gradually learn to sit
and stay.
Informal and Formal Mindfulness Practice

The next thing I teach clients is the difference between formal and informal practices: Informal
mindfulness is simply bringing mindfulness to whatever you happen to be doing: reading these
pages, having a conversation, riding a bike, and so on. Formal mindfulness is when you actually set
aside time to do a practice, such as a breathing exercise or observing thoughts or emotions. This is
a good time to remind clients that mindfulness is about doing one thing at a time. So if you’re practicing
mindfulness, you can’t do a breathing exercise while driving, because that’s two things. You either
drive mindfully (an informal exercise, bringing mindfulness to something you’re doing anyway), or
you set aside five minutes to do a breathing exercise (a formal exercise, where you set aside time to
do a mindfulness practice).
I find that having clients start with informal mindfulness exercises between sessions makes it
more likely that they’ll practice. I introduce formal exercises in session, starting off with short,
simple exercises (e.g., counting breaths for one minute) and working up to the practices that people
tend to find more difficult (e.g., observing thoughts or emotions). I also gradually increase the
amount of time of the formal practice.
Of course, everyone learns and practices at a different pace. Some clients latch right on to
mindfulness, quickly grasping the concepts and becoming adept at incorporating it into their lives.
You’ll be able to get these individuals to practice formal exercises on their own very quickly.
Others struggle with the concept and have trouble remembering to practice or don’t see the point
of practicing. With these clients, you might need to repeatedly review the purpose of mindfulness
and why you’re asking them to do these exercises. In addition, the pacing will be slower, focusing
on informal exercises for longer before progressing to formal practices. Either way, validate and
continue pushing for change.
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Occasionally I encounter a client who just can’t grasp mindfulness or how helpful it can be, or
who is opposed to practicing it for some reason. If this happens, trying to push the client will only
result in a power struggle, so start with some of the other skills instead. You might find that once
you build more of a relationship and the client develops more trust in you, she’ll be more willing to
work on mindfulness.
In my experience, clients have a tendency to focus on informal practices and don’t engage in
formal mindfulness as often as would be helpful. Be sure to explain that informal and formal mind-
fulness practices, while both helpful and important, serve different functions. Informal exercises
help them live their lives more mindfully and be in the present moment on a regular basis, whereas
formal exercises help them become more aware of their internal experiences, increasing self-
awareness and the ability to manage themselves more effectively. Therefore, both types of exer-
cises are extremely important. I’ve included a handout describing various formal mindfulness
exercises. Feel free to give this to clients to aid them in their practice.
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FORMAL MINDFULNESS PRACTICES

• Counting breaths. Sitting quietly, count “one” as you draw a deep breath in, and “two” as you slowly
breathe out, “three” on the inhalation, “four” on the exhalation, and so on. Count up to ten, then start over
at one. When you find that your mind is wandering and you’ve stopped counting, simply notice this without
judgment and return your focus to breathing and counting.
• Observing sounds. Sitting quietly, focus your attention on any sounds that you hear: the sound of your
breathing, the sound of people talking in the next room, the sound of air coming through the vents, the sound
of the television in the next room, and so on. When you notice your mind wandering, notice it without judg-
ment, then return your attention to whatever sounds enter into your awareness.
• Observing an object. Pick up an object, such as a framed photo, a knickknack that sits on the mantle, a
piece of jewelry, or a child’s toy, and observe it mindfully. Examine the object with all of your senses, focus-
ing all of your attention on the item. Experience the sensation of touching it. Notice any smell it might have
or any sound it might make as you move it around in your hands. When you notice your mind wandering to
other things, bring your attention back to observing the object without judging yourself.
• Observing your thoughts in clouds. Pretend you’re lying in a field of grass, looking up at the clouds. In
each cloud is a thought. Observe the thought as it slowly floats by and label it in terms of what kind of thought
it is. For example, when the thought Am I going to be able to pay my credit card bill this month? floats by, label
it “worrying thought” or “anxiety thought.” When you see the thought This is a stupid exercise in a cloud,
label it “anger thought” or “judgmental thought,” and so on. As best as you can, don’t judge yourself for the
thoughts you’re having or for how you’re labeling them; there’s no right or wrong answer. When you notice
you’ve gotten caught up thinking about a thought, simply let it go and notice the next thought.
• Focusing on a thought. Choose a meaningful word or a short sentence to focus on, then repeat it to your-
self as you focus on your breathing. For example, while breathing in, think “wise,” and while breathing out
think “mind.” When you notice that your mind has wandered, don’t judge yourself; simply bring your atten-
tion back to the exercise.
• Being the gatekeeper to your mind. Pretend that you’re standing at the “gate” of your mind watching
thoughts and feelings that are coming through the gate. As best as you can, don’t judge these thoughts and
feelings; simply observe what they are so you can become aware of what’s in your mind, just as a gatekeeper
must be aware of who’s coming through the gate. Welcome thoughts and emotions as they come through the
door, rather than trying to block them. When your mind wanders or you feel yourself trying to stop thoughts
or feelings from entering, try to relax and simply observe these things, then go back to watching thoughts
and feelings enter. If you find that thoughts and feelings are coming through the gate too quickly, try to slow
them down by having each one knock before entering so that you can open the gate, acknowledge it, and
then let it through.
• Being in your body. Sitting quietly, focus on the different sensations you experience in your body. Notice,
for example, the feel of your bottom on the chair or the feel of your arms against the armrests. Observe any
tension you may have in your muscles. Notice that you feel cool or that your face feels hot. Acknowledge
any emotions you may be experiencing, such as anger about a situation that happened earlier or frustration
because you’re finding it difficult to do this exercise. When your mind takes you away from observing physi-
cal sensations, simply bring your attention back to the exercise and let the other thoughts go. Another way
of focusing on your body is to run a fingernail sharply across your face just between your lip and your nose.
Then sit quietly and focus on that sensation for as long as possible; see how long you can feel it. When your
mind wanders to other things, tell yourself it’s okay, then bring your attention back to the sensation.
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It’s important to point out to clients that it’s okay to change mindfulness practices to better suit
their needs. In the counting breaths exercise, for example, some people like to include both the
inhalation and exhalation in each count. Some people have trouble seeing their thoughts in clouds
and find that they hear their thoughts rather than see them. For these clients, I direct them to
simply let themselves hear the thought, and then label it: There’s a thought about work… There’s anxiety…
There’s a thought about the weather… and so on. As long as clients are getting the main point of the exer-
cise—counting breaths, observing thoughts, and so on—it doesn’t matter if they change it a bit to
suit their needs. Plus, giving them this flexibility makes it more likely that they’ll practice.
I find it helpful to have clients keep a log when they first start practicing, and I have designed
the Mindfulness Tracking Sheet for this purpose. You’re welcome to photocopy it for use in your
own practice. This is a good learning tool that serves a few different functions: First, it helps clients
remember to practice mindfulness because of the accountability factor; they know this is home-
work and that I’ll be looking at the tracking sheet in our next session. Second, it helps them think
about how they’re practicing mindfulness and what their experience of mindfulness is like. And
third, it allows me to see if they truly understand the idea of mindfulness and how they’re practic-
ing, giving me an opportunity to provide feedback about their practice. I write comments on these
tracking sheets; for example, suggesting that clients increase their practice time or the variety of
activities they’re using for mindfulness, pointing out when they’re judging aspects of their experi-
ence, and so on. In this way, clients get regular feedback about their practice that helps them con-
tinue learning.
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MINDFULNESS TRACKING SHEET

Date What I did mindfully Length of What I noticed about my experience
practice (thoughts, emotions, and so on)
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Make It Easy
If you’re already practicing mindfulness, you know how difficult it can be, and if you’re about
to start practicing, you’ll soon find out! You can do clients a favor—and make it more likely that
they’ll practice—by making mindfulness as easy as possible. Because both the focusing and accept-
ing aspects of mindfulness are difficult for most people, see if you can make one of these a bit more
doable. If you can get clients to come up with an activity they are already able to focus on and
deeply engage in, this will be an ideal way for them to begin practicing.
I once worked with a client who was having tremendous difficulties with mindfulness. He had
such a hard time concentrating on practicing and got so frustrated that he would just stop. He felt
like he wasn’t getting anywhere. I asked him if he could think of an activity that he was already able
to deeply engage in, and he immediately said playing guitar. Since he was able to focus when
playing guitar, the only difficulty he would face was the acceptance piece. Of course, acceptance
isn’t easy either, but having clients start practicing mindfulness with something they’re easily able
to focus on frees up more energy for accepting their experience.
PRACTICE WHAT YOU PREACH

At the beginning of this chapter, I mentioned the importance of therapists practicing the DBT
skills themselves. I find that clients usually ask me at some point if I use these skills myself, if I had
problems when I started learning them, if they’ve helped me over the years, and so on. Because I
have been practicing these skills for a number of years, I can answer these questions honestly and
provide validation that I understand how difficult the skills can be and some of the problems
they’re facing in practicing the skills.
But having your own practice is also important from a more practical perspective. After all,
how can you effectively teach someone how to do something that you’re not doing on a regular
basis yourself? If you don’t have the thorough understanding that can come only from practice, you
can’t be a truly effective teacher. That’s not to say that you’re going to experience the same prob-
lems with these skills as your clients or to the same degree, but it will give you a better understand-
ing of their experience and also allow you to model the skills.
Some mindfulness teachers believe that therapists and clients should be practicing formal exer-
cises for at least thirty minutes each day. I think we each have to find our own way in this, and that
what works best for one person might not work for another. However, if you’re going to teach
clients that both formal and informal practices are important, you should be practicing both types
of exercises yourself. Likewise, if you’re going to ask clients to practice thirty-minute exercises for
homework, you should be doing thirty-minute exercises yourself. The bottom line, in my opinion,
is that we shouldn’t ask our clients to do what we aren’t willing to do ourselves.
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PROBLEMS CLIENTS FREQUENTLY ENCOUNTER

As with any new skill, and maybe even more so, most clients find mindfulness difficult to practice
and implement in their lives. So let’s take a look at some of the common problems clients have
expressed to me over the years I’ve been teaching mindfulness, and some suggestions to help
people overcome these problems.
“It makes me more anxious.”

Sometimes clients find that practicing mindfulness makes them more anxious, particularly
when anxiety is already a problem. When clients tell you they can’t practice mindfulness because
it makes them too anxious, the first thing to do is validate. It’s understandable. We’re not used to
taking such a close look at ourselves, and we’re often afraid of what we might find or don’t like what
we do find.
Recently, I worked with a woman who was experiencing anxiety during mindfulness. Over
time, she realized that she was so unaccustomed to being in the present moment that this was
causing the anxiety. She continued practicing mindfulness, essentially doing exposure therapy, and
practiced accepting her anxiety. Gradually, her anxiety came down and the mindfulness practices
became less anxiety provoking for her.
After validating clients’ anxiety, push for change, reminding them that mindfulness is an impor-
tant tool that will help with their specific problems. Encourage them to work on acceptance of
whatever they notice, as nonacceptance might be increasing their anxiety. For example, if an
anxious client notices that her breathing is shallow, she might tend to judge this, which causes her
to worry about it: I’m breathing too quickly. Something’s wrong. Help her try to identify what thoughts
might be increasing her anxiety; then you’ll have more material to work with to problem solve.
Be aware that focusing on breathing often increases anxiety in clients with anxiety disorders.
In such cases, encourage clients to focus on mindfulness exercises other than breathing for the time
being, until their anxiety starts to come down. Just make sure that, once they’re feeling a bit more
comfortable with mindfulness in general, they come back to the breathing exercises even if they
find it challenging.
“I just can’t do it.”

Clients often say that they just can’t do it. When this happens, it’s important to explore exactly
what they mean. Does a particular client mean it’s really hard or that she’s having difficulties con-
centrating? Is the problem that her kids keep interrupting her? Does she remain under the misim-
pression that “successful” mindfulness means thoughts and emotions never intrude? Once you’ve
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sorted this out, you can help clients problem solve. Many people say they can’t do it, but what they
actually mean is they find it incredibly hard. Validate this. It is really hard! Most people find mind-
fulness difficult when they first start practicing. The key is to keep practicing in spite of this.
“I don’t have time.”

This is one of my favorite “problems” because it’s one of the easiest to fix: simply remind clients
that they don’t have to make time to practice mindfulness; they can do it with any activity, anytime
and anywhere. You may have to review the definition of informal mindfulness practice here. Give
clients some examples based on what you know about them. Perhaps a client can do two minutes
of her drive to work mindfully, help her kids with homework mindfully, watch her favorite TV show
mindfully, or do deep breathing mindfully every time she stops at a red light. That’s one of the
things I love most about mindfulness: you don’t have to make time for it.
Of course, if clients want to reap the full benefit of mindfulness, they have to practice formal
exercises as well. Although this requires setting aside some time, explain that some of the formal
practices can be done for just a couple of minutes at a time. For example, you can observe your
thoughts for two minutes, count ten breaths, or notice the sounds around you for just a few minutes.
Encourage them not to think in black-and-white terms; just because a person can’t do a thirty-
minute body scan doesn’t mean she can’t do a formal exercise.
“I can’t stay focused.”

I find it amazing that no matter how many times I remind clients that the only goal with mind-
fulness is to be in the present moment with acceptance, they still come back and say, “I can’t stay
focused” or some variation on this, such as “I can’t do it right” or “It’s not working.” Repeatedly
remind clients to throw their expectations out the window. Even though we humans are used to
doing things with a certain end in mind, with mindfulness we have to get used to the idea of the
means being the end itself.
It’s a paradox, and one that can be difficult to wrap your mind around: Our clients practice
mindfulness because they want to feel better, but we’re asking them to throw that goal away and
just be in the present moment with acceptance. Yet by doing this—by putting aside their goals of
feeling better, having better focus, or being able to relax—they open the door to actually achieving
the goals they had in the first place. Paradoxically, holding on to such goals and expectations is
often what gets in the way of people being able to just be in the moment with acceptance. If a per-
son’s goal is to feel better, instead of just being in the moment with acceptance when she’s practic-
ing mindfulness, she’ll be judging the experience in terms of whether it’s “helping” or “working.”
This then becomes the focus, rather than just present-moment awareness and acceptance.
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“I already focus on the task at hand.”

Quite often I hear clients say they already practice mindfulness: “I’m always focused on what
I’m doing” or “It just comes naturally for me to concentrate on the present moment.” As you prac-
tice mindfulness day in and day out, it will start to come more naturally, but this usually takes quite
a while; mindfulness just isn’t something that most people do naturally or learn and become adept
at overnight. So when I hear clients insisting that they’re already practicing mindfulness all the
time, I validate this. Maybe they are very focused and in the present moment. But then I gently
suggest that they might not be accepting whatever they happen to find in the present moment. We
are judgmental creatures, so it’s very unlikely that this part of mindfulness is coming naturally.
Most of us have to really work at it. In fact, I think being accepting is so difficult for us that we tend
to forget that part of mindfulness.
“I fall asleep.”
Sometimes people find that they drift off when they’re practicing mindfulness. For people with
sleep problems, this can be a good thing; they can practice mindfulness at bedtime to help them
sleep. But mindfulness is about being aware, and how can you be aware if you’re asleep? Of course,
it’s important to validate the client’s experience first. For many people, it makes sense that the
moment the brain has a chance to rest it wants to sleep, since it’s constantly kept busy. Indeed,
some people are so accustomed to being busy that the moment they stop to practice mindfulness
they get bored and feel the urge to sleep. The key here is to treat this like any other urge during
mindfulness: just notice it.
When the urge becomes strong, however, sometimes people drift off during mindfulness prac-
tice. If this happens regularly, obviously it will interfere with mindfulness. Here are some consider-
ations that can help you and the client problem solve the situation:
UÊ Does the client simply need more sleep? If she’s sleep deprived, her body will want to
take advantage of this quiet time to rest. In this case, you’ll need to work with the client
to improve her sleep. (See chapter 7 for more tips on this.)
UÊ If this isn’t the case, is there a better time of the day for the client to practice? If she
knows she’s always exhausted by the end of the day, can she make time to practice
earlier in the day?
UÊ Is she eating a big meal shortly before practicing mindfulness? Food coma can be a
culprit!
UÊ Is there a different position she can try? If she’s lying down, she could try sitting up. If
she’s already sitting up, she could try a less comfortable chair or even try standing.
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UÊ If she’s closing her eyes, keeping them open might help.
If you’ve done all of this with a client and falling asleep remains a problem, here are two tech-
niques that help people stay awake during mindfulness practice:
UÊ Really focus on breathing. Consciously breathing can help bring focus to the energy
entering the body. This can help people feel more alert and less sleepy.
UÊ Put pressure on the fingertips by pressing them on a table, on the legs, on the arms of the
chair, and so on, or by pressing the fingertips together, then focus on this sensation.
“I have to multitask!”
Some people are convinced that they have to multitask in order to accomplish everything they
need to do. When people hold this belief, I first tell them about the research that has been done on
multitasking. According to Linehan (2003d), a study was done in which two groups of people were
given the same tasks to complete and told to do them as quickly as possible; one group was told to
accomplish this by multitasking, and the other was instructed to do only one thing at a time, with
full attention. The group that did only one thing at a time and with full attention completed the
tasks more quickly and accurately.
After providing this information, I remind clients that mindfulness doesn’t mean you have to
finish one task before moving on to the next. For example, if I’m sitting at my desk typing an email
and the telephone rings, it’s not effective for me to answer the telephone and speak to the person
while I continue typing my email. I’ll either make mistakes in the email or won’t be able to fully
concentrate on what the person is trying to talk with me about—or both. Instead of multitasking
in this way, it’s more effective for me to stop typing the email and turn my full attention to answer-
ing the telephone (if that’s what I choose to do). Once I’m done on the telephone, I hang up and
turn my full attention back to the email.
It’s also important to explain that this doesn’t mean clients can never again multitask. Although
the ideal is to live our lives more mindfully, we do have to choose when we’re going to practice
mindfulness and when we’re not. It isn’t realistic to expect that we can practice mindfulness through
all of our waking hours. Hopefully, with continued practice, we will all choose to practice more and
more often. But when clients are just beginning, the less intimidating you can make mindfulness,
the more likely they’ll be to practice.
“Isn’t mindfulness just avoiding or repressing?”

Sometimes people have the mistaken impression that continuously bringing their attention
back to the present moment from wherever they’ve wandered means they’re just avoiding or
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repressing their emotions. This is absolutely untrue. The intent isn’t to avoid or repress. It’s is actu-
ally the opposite: practicing acceptance of whatever happens to come up, rather than judging it and
pushing it away.
However, if, for example, you’re practicing mindfulness of sounds and a sound reminds you of
a recent loss, it won’t be helpful to just allow your mind to take you where it wants to go—back to
that loss—and dwell on it. Part of mindfulness is training your mind so that you’re in charge. So
instead, you notice your experience, accept the emotions that arise, and turn your attention back
to the current exercise. Once you’ve completed the exercise, you’re free to go back to explore the
feelings that arose.
“But you have to plan for the future!”

Sometimes clients think that practicing mindfulness means never thinking about the past or the
future. When this problem arises, I remind clients that they have a choice about when to practice
mindfulness. I also emphasize that you can plan for the future mindfully. Quite often, though,
“planning” for the future isn’t actually planning but a form of worrying.
I remember when I bought my first house. It was an older home, built originally as a cottage,
and the main source of heat was baseboard heaters. Unfortunately, the previous owners of the
house had left the heaters in the crawl space turned up quite high and I didn’t know it, so my first
electricity bill was almost five hundred dollars for one month. I freaked! I cried and convinced
myself that I was going to have to sell the house and move back in with my family because I obvi-
ously couldn’t afford to live in the house on a single income. This is a perfect example of worrying
about the future. I wasn’t planning at all; I was living in an imaginary future where I was moving
back in with my family, completely disappointed that I couldn’t afford to live on my own. And not
only was I not planning for the future, I wasn’t figuring out what was going on in the present.
I once had a client who pointed out that he probably did know the outcome of the situation he
was worrying about. His mother had told him she was leaving his father, and she was making prepa-
rations to move out. In the meantime, he was imagining what it was going to be like for his father
to hear the news, the pain both of his parents would go through, the pain he would go through, and
so on. So I asked him: If this was actually the case—that there was going to be a lot of pain their
lives that they’d have to deal with—did he really want to live through it twice? Wouldn’t it be bad
enough when he actually did have to go through it? Why would he want to imagine going through
it and imagine how painful it would be, when soon enough he would be experiencing it? This is
another way to help clients see the pitfalls of living in the past or the future: Do they really want to
live it twice?
So yes, you do have to plan for the future, and no, mindfulness doesn’t prevent you from doing
so; in fact, mindfulness helps you to plan for the future by keeping you grounded in the present—
in reality—while you’re making your future plans.
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DBT Made Simple
WRAPPING UP
Mindfulness is a simple skill, but it’s far from easy. It goes against how most people are accustomed
to living their lives. In this chapter, you’ve learned about the importance of convincing clients that
mindfulness will be helpful for them, and I’ve given you a lot of tips on how to do this, as well as on
how to teach clients (and yourself, if you’re new to it) how to practice mindfulness. I’ve also reviewed
many of the problems clients encounter when they start practicing mindfulness and how you can
help clients deal with these issues and continue with their practice. In the next chapter, we’ll look
at additional skills to help clients in their mindfulness practice.
As you read through this book, remember that you don’t necessarily have to use every DBT
skill with every client; you can pick and choose the skills that are most relevant to each client. Also
remember that if you are to provide effective DBT, it’s of utmost importance that you practice
these skills yourself.
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CHAPTER 6
Additional Skills
for Mindfulness
In the previous chapter we began looking at how to teach clients about mindfulness. As I noted in
that chapter, while mindfulness seems easy and like common sense, it’s actually quite difficult to
practice. Because of this, I find it helpful to break mindfulness down into smaller steps. So in this
chapter I’ll outline how to do this with the skills of mental noting and being nonjudgmental.
MENTAL NOTING
To assist clients when they first start practicing mindfulness, it’s helpful to break the skill into
smaller steps, mentally noting events as they occur. Mental noting, also known as witnessing, is the DBT
skill Linehan (1993b) calls observing and describing. The idea behind this skill is to first look at your
experience, moment by moment, in a nonjudgmental way, simply sensing or noticing what’s hap-
pening, and then describe the experience, putting a nonjudgmental label on it.
For example, instead of saying to yourself, The weather is lousy today, you mentally note it: It’s gray
and rainy today and it has me feeling blah. Or instead of getting caught up in the emotion of sadness and
saying to yourself, I’m depressed and hopeless. Things are never going to get better, and I don’t know how I’m going
to manage, you mentally note your experience: I’m feeling extremely depressed and hopeless right now. I feel like
I want to cry and scream. My thoughts keep going to the future, and I’m having a hard time not acting on the urge to
hurt myself.
DBT Made Simple
Simply Observing
Mentally noting emotions can help clients not get caught up in them. A good example of this
is anxiety, which escalates easily because the very feeling of anxiety is often scary, making people
feel more anxious, perhaps saying to themselves, Oh no! Here comes that feeling again. What if I have a panic
attack and do something that makes me look stupid in front of all of these people? Is this never going to end? I feel like I’m
losing my mind. What if I go crazy? Quite often, the thoughts people have about their anxiety make
them more anxious. Mentally noting the anxiety can prevent or at least reduce this; for example,
I’m starting to feel anxious. There’s a knot in my stomach and I’m starting to have worry thoughts. My heart is starting to
race, and I’m worrying about having a panic attack.
You can probably see why this skill is also referred to as witnessing, since it basically involves nar-
rating whatever your experience is in the moment. When you teach this skill to clients, remind them
to let go of judgments; when they are mentally noting, they are objective observers, just describing
events as they experience them. Things aren’t good or bad, or right or wrong; they just are.
Mentally Noting Internal vs. External Experiences

There are two types of events that we can bring awareness to: Internal events take place inside
ourselves and include memories, thoughts, images that enter the mind, urges, emotions, and physi-
cal sensations. External events, on the other hand, occur outside the body.
While mental noting can be applied to any experience, it’s important to recognize that some
people have more of an internal focus, already being very aware of their internal experience—
sometimes so much so that they can be oblivious to what’s happening externally. Conversely, some
people have more of an external focus, being very aware of what’s happening in their environment
but not having much awareness of what’s happening internally.
For people who have difficulties regulating their emotions, this focus can go either way. A
client may be so in tune with her internal experience that it’s difficult for her to be aware of any-
thing else, which amplifies her emotional experience and makes it more difficult to tolerate. Or she
may be so in tune with her environment that she’s completely unaware of what’s going on inside of
her. For both types of clients—those who are overly aware of emotional pain and those who ignore
or avoid it—it’s more difficult to manage their emotions and the behavior that results from their
emotional pain.
When you’re first teaching mental noting to clients, it’s important to assess with them whether
they fall more into one category or the other. If they do, have them focus on the opposite: Ask
those who are very in tune with their internal experience to focus on mentally noting external
experiences, and vice versa. Practice in mentally noting the experiences they aren’t as in touch with
will help them become more balanced, increasing their awareness of both internal and external
experiences. This will enhance their ability to manage their emotions.
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Additional Skills for Mindfulness
LEAVING THE JUDGMENTS OUT

If you’re teaching the skill of being nonjudgmental to clients, you probably already have a good idea
that it will be a useful skill for them. I usually introduce this skill by asking a client to consider her
judgments: Does she think she has a tendency to judge others, herself, or both? I don’t think I’ve
ever encountered a client who does neither, but if you encounter such a client, obviously this is one
skill you don’t have to teach—remember, DBT is flexible! That said, people are often unaware of
their judgments, so it’s important to help clients carefully consider any tendency to judge and what
role this plays in their lives.
Like mindfulness, being nonjudgmental is a skill that clients tend to resist not because it doesn’t
make sense, but because it’s hard. So your job is to make this skill as approachable and unintimidat-
ing as possible. Sharing the following information about judgments with clients can help them buy
into the skill.
What Is a Judgment?
The word “judgment” refers to the act of assessing or evaluating someone or something as
either positive or negative in some way. For example, if your daughter comes home with an A on a
test, she’s a “good” girl, or if the neighbors next door keep to themselves, they’re “weird.” When
you stop and notice, you’ll see that you’re probably judging regularly: Your friend’s boyfriend is a
“loser” for treating her that way, or the steak you had for dinner was “great.” In fact, if you try not
to judge, you’ll probably find that it’s quite difficult to just experience something without labeling
it in this way.
One reason it’s so difficult not to judge is because judgments abound in our society. Most of
us hear them from the time we can understand language, so it only makes sense that we grow up to
be judgmental. Because we form this habit at such a young age, our brains become judgment
machines. For many of us, judgments are so automatic that we often don’t even recognize them.
For instance, when I’m teaching this skill to clients, they often say something like, “Yeah, I’m really
bad for judging.” Here we are, talking about judgments, and they have no awareness that they’re
judging themselves in that moment!
The Problem with Judgments

Because judging is such an automatic behavior, it’s usually quite a challenge to change it. Before
you can start helping clients do this, you need to convince them that it’s important to work on
reducing this behavior. So let’s take a look at what’s so “bad” about judging.
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DBT Made Simple
JUDGMENTS ADD FUEL TO THE FIRE

As mentioned, judgments can be positive or negative. We typically don’t concern ourselves
with positive judgments, since they usually don’t trigger emotional pain. However, Linehan (1993b)
points out that positive judgments aren’t ideal either, since they create assumptions about or a
context for negative judgments; for example, if you think of a friend as “good,” she can do some-
thing that will make her “bad.” For the most part, I think it’s important for us to be aware of both
positive and negative judgments so we can choose whether or not to judge, but my focus here will
be on reducing negative judgments because of the emotional pain they cause.
More often than not, negative judgments come from painful emotions: People feel hurt, anger,
disgust, or another painful emotion, and this emotion causes them to judge. But one effect of that
judgment is to increase emotions, which causes more judgment, which triggers more emotional
pain, and so on. In other words, judging usually increases the intensity of emotions, trapping people
in a vicious cycle.
Some clients disagree with this, saying that they vent, and this helps them feel better. In this
case, ask them to closely consider whether they really do feel better. Research indicates that venting
anger (which involves judging) actually increases feelings of anger and aggression, most likely by
adding fuel to the fire and increasing angry thoughts and urges, leading to more angry emotions
and behaviors (Koole, 2009). If a client doesn’t buy into this, help her by having her mentally note
her experience in session. Here’s an example of how you might work through this with a client:
Therapist: I understand that you don’t see a connection for yourself between judging and
experiencing more intense emotions. We don’t usually pay that much attention
to how our thoughts affect us. But would you be willing to do an experiment
with me to check this out?
Client: I guess so.

Therapist: Great! Here’s what I want you to do: I want you to think about a judgment you
made recently. Maybe it happened during an argument you had with someone,
maybe someone cut you off in traffic, or maybe you judged yourself for some-
thing. Just take a moment to think of a judgment you made.
Client: Okay. When I was leaving the house I saw my son’s lunch bag sitting on the
kitchen counter and realized I had forgotten to put it in his backpack.
Therapist: Great example. Can you recall what judgments you made in that situation?
Client: I couldn’t believe how stupid I was for forgetting his lunch, and I probably
called myself a bad mother.
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Therapist: Okay, good. Now I want you to really focus on those two thoughts: I’m stupid
and I’m a bad mother. Say them to yourself a couple of times, really focusing on the
fact that you forgot to give your son his lunch. As you do this, I want you to
mentally note what you’re experiencing. Do that out loud: just observe and
describe to me what you’re experiencing.
Client: Okay. I feel bad. I have that thought again: I can’t believe I could be so stupid, and
that’s reminding me of when I first got pregnant and my mother told me she
didn’t think I’d be able to manage raising a child. That’s making me feel sad, and
now I feel like crying (becoming tearful). I’m telling myself my mom was right: I’m
a bad mother. I feel guilty.
After doing this type of exercise with clients, validation is crucial. Support them and express
appreciation to them for going through this exercise, and then ask for feedback. Did they notice,
once they were paying attention, any connection between their judgments and an increase in their
emotions? Hopefully they did (clients usually do, once they’re paying attention). If they didn’t,
don’t get discouraged; sometimes it just takes some practice at being mindful of an experience
before clients can see the connection.
I’ve included a Judgmental Thoughts Tracking Sheet that I use with clients who need extra
convincing. As clients complete the tracking sheet—noticing negative judgments, the situation
that triggered them, the extra emotions that arise because of them, and then assessing the
outcome—they’ll become more aware of the fact that they’re judging and the consequences those
judgments often have, as the sample worksheet shows. Feel free to copy the blank form and use it
with clients if you like.
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SAMPLE JUDGMENTAL THOUGHTS
TRACKING SHEET
DBT Made Simple
Situation Emotions Judgments that resulted Extra Outcome

about the from these emotions emotions (Was it positive or negative? Did it
situation triggered help you work toward your goals?)
by the
judgments
I was driving and got stuck Frustrated This guy doesn’t know how Anger I just got more angry.
behind a truck going really to drive.
slow. What an idiot.
A coworker said something Hurt She shouldn’t be treating Anger I lost my temper and yelled at her.
unkind. me this way. Then I felt bad about myself for yelling.
She’s such a witch.
I did some extra work; then Hurt, shocked, What’s wrong with her? Rage I sat and dwelled on this for a long
my team leader told me that I confused, She’s unbelievable! time and got myself really worked up
shouldn’t have done it. frustrated in anger. This didn’t help at all. It didn’t
She’s an awful team leader.
change anything, and it made me more
emotional.
My best friend hardly ever Hurt, annoyed She’s thoughtless. Anger I got more and more angry and
calls me anymore. When She should be putting more decided to call her and give her a piece
we talk or get together, it’s effort into our friendship. of my mind. I told her what I thought
because of my efforts. and said some hurtful things, and she
hung up on me.
JUDGMENTAL THOUGHTS TRACKING SHEET
Situation Emotions Judgments that resulted Extra Outcome
about the from these emotions emotions (Was it positive or negative? Did it
situation triggered help you work toward your goals?)
by the
judgments
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DBT Made Simple
Of course, negative judgments don’t always trigger more emotions. For example, imagine you
go to the fridge to grab some cheese and see that your cheddar is a terrific shade of green. You
might say, “Oh no! The cheese is bad.” Yes, “bad” is a judgment, but this judgment probably hasn’t
triggered any emotional pain for you, because it wasn’t emotional pain that caused you to judge in
the first place. In this instance, “bad” is just a shorthand way of saying that the cheese is moldy and
won’t taste good.
JUDGMENTS DON’T PROVIDE USEFUL INFORMATION

Other than triggering more pain, judgments are also unhelpful because they don’t provide
useful information. Most of us probably understand what is meant by “The cheese is bad,” but if
you tell a friend you think her boyfriend is a loser, she might not know exactly what you mean. You
might mean that you don’t like the way he treats her, that you don’t appreciate him flirting with
you, that you don’t approve of the fact that he doesn’t have a job, and the list goes on. Judgments
are a shorthand way of saying something—a quick label we stick on things instead of saying what
we really mean.
SELF-JUDGMENTS ARE HURTFUL

Regardless of what is meant by the judgment, one thing is certain: negative judgments are
hurtful. This is true whether people direct judgments at someone else or at themselves. When I
first suggest this, people often don’t believe it. I find the most powerful way to explain this to
clients is by comparing it to verbal abuse, as in the following dialogue, again with the client who
forgot to send her son’s lunch to school with him:
Therapist: Think about a person in a verbally abusive situation. (You may be able to use the
example of the client herself if she’s been in a verbally abusive relationship.) Her partner regu-
larly tells her that she’s stupid, worthless, and unlovable, that she’ll never find
anyone else to put up with her, and so on. You’ve probably heard that when
you’re constantly being told these kinds of things, over time you come to believe
them. When you judge yourself, you’re essentially verbally abusing yourself.
For example, was this the first time you called yourself a bad mother?
Client: No. It’s kind of a theme for me when I feel I haven’t done something right with
my son.
Therapist: Exactly. And the more often you tell yourself you’re a bad mother, the more you
actually come to believe it.
It’s important to point out that most people are hard on themselves; as the saying goes, we’re
our own worst critic. But self-judgments tend to be especially problematic for emotionally dysregu-
lated clients, in part because an invalidating environment has taught them to respond harshly to
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any perceived failure (Swales & Heard, 2009). When a person is regularly given the message that
she’s wrong in some way—for example that her thoughts, feelings, or beliefs are incorrect, invalid,
stupid, ridiculous, silly, crazy, and so on—she begins to automatically assume that this is true and
starts judging herself in the same way. This is learned behavior and it’s understandable that she’s
judging herself, but it’s also not helpful and something that she needs to work on.
Negative judgments are also hurtful to others. We’ll be looking at skills that help with relation-
ships in chapter 12; for now, just keep in mind that judging others obviously has a negative impact
on clients’ relationships.
It’s Not Just about the Words

It’s important to point out to clients that sometimes we judge without words. Judgments can
come in the form of facial expression or tone of voice. For example, imagine yourself having a tele-
phone conversation with your boss. You might be saying, “Of course I understand the importance
of this,” while also rolling your eyes. Although you aren’t judging your boss out loud, rolling your
eyes would let any observer know that you’re being judgmental in that moment.
Likewise, your tone of voice can also give you away. To continue with the previous example,
let’s say you hang up the phone and summarize the conversation for your coworker: “Jackie says she
wants me to drop the packages off at the courier instead of having them pick the packages up. That
makes sense.” While tone of voice is difficult to convey in these pages, you can imagine the last
sentence, “That makes sense,” being stated nonjudgmentally—simply a factual statement, probably
indicating that you agree with the decision and it makes sense to you. However, given a different
tone of voice or emphasis (for example, “That makes sense”), it could be a judgment, indicating that
you actually think the decision is stupid or doesn’t make sense.
Sometimes Judgments Are Necessary

There’s one last piece of information clients need to learn before you start teaching them how
to be nonjudgmental: that the skill of being nonjudgmental isn’t about eradicating judgments. As
in the earlier example, it’s okay to say the cheese is bad. Throughout life, there are times when we
need to judge. Doing performance evaluations at work, grading assignments at school, evaluating
whether or not a situation is safe, assessing your actions in order to learn from your mistakes—
these are all examples of judgments, and you can see how they are necessary.
Point out to clients that the judgments to let go of are those that increase their emotional pain.
Given that they have difficulty managing their emotions, anything they can do to reduce the
amount of pain they experience will help them improve their ability to regulate their emotions.
Again, you want to make this skill as doable as possible for clients, so make sure you emphasize that
the expectation isn’t that they be nonjudgmental 100 percent of the time. Rather, the times to let
go of judgments are when they notice that they’re feeling pain that seems disproportionate to the
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DBT Made Simple
situation they’re in or if they suddenly experience a painful emotion, especially anger or some
variation of anger.
What to Do about Judgments

Paying attention to a behavior often has the effect of changing that behavior in some way
(Ramnerö & Törneke, 2008), so the first thing to do is have clients increase their awareness of their
judgments. Several techniques are useful here: filling out the Judgmental Thoughts Tracking Sheet;
practicing mindfulness exercises that help them observe their thoughts so they’ll notice their judg-
mental thoughts more often; or simply counting their judgments throughout the day (or if they
judge a lot, for a certain period of time during the day). Once they become aware of their judg-
ments, the next step is to have clients change them to nonjudgmental or neutral statements, which
we’ll look at next. It will also be very useful if you point out their judgments in individual sessions.
When they say something judgmental, draw their attention to this in a gentle way and invite them
to change it to a neutral statement.
Once clients can identify a judgment, the next step is to change it to a nonjudgmental state-
ment: a neutral statement that addresses the same situation in a nonjudgmental way. In other words,
this means saying the same thing—expressing opinions and emotions about something—but
without judgment. Emphasize to clients that being nonjudgmental isn’t about being passive; rather,
it’s about being assertive. It’s about saying what you really mean and talking about your emotions,
rather than just slapping shorthand, judgmental labels on things.
Experience has taught me that this is a difficult skill for people to grasp because judgments
come so easily to most of us. I’ve found that the most effective way of teaching clients how to turn
judgments into neutral statements is through examples. Ask clients to think of times when they’ve
judged. Most of us tend to be hard on certain people in our lives (including ourselves) or to have
disagreements with certain people regularly enough that we can think of times we’ve judged them.
Similarly, we can usually think of situations we deal with regularly, such as rush-hour traffic, that
elicit judgments. Given these suggestions, most people can think of examples of judgments if they
put their mind to it.
Once clients have an example, provide them with this formula for turning a judgment into a
nonjudgment: first, describe the facts of the situation; and second, express their emotions about
the situation: What are the feelings that caused them to make the judgment? Here are some exam-
ples, taken from the sample Judgmental Thoughts Tracking Sheet earlier in the chapter.
Judgment: This guy doesn’t know how to drive. What an idiot.
Nonjudgment: The guy in front of me is driving twenty miles per hour under the limit, and I’m
feeling really frustrated with him.
94
Judgment: She shouldn’t be treating me this way. She’s such a witch.
Nonjudgment: My coworker said something unkind to me, and I’m feeling hurt and angry with
her.
Judgment: What’s wrong with her? She’s unbelievable. She’s an awful team leader.
Nonjudgment: I did some extra work, and now my team leader tells me I was wrong for doing
this. I feel shocked, hurt, and angered by her reaction. I don’t understand her reaction, and I don’t
think she handled the situation very effectively.
Judgment: She’s thoughtless. She should be putting more effort into our friendship.
Nonjudgment: We hardly ever speak anymore unless I make the effort to call her. It doesn’t
seem like our friendship matters to her anymore, and I’m feeling hurt and resentful toward her.
Validate!
As you’re teaching the skill of nonjudgment, be sure to provide a lot of validation, as people
often get down on themselves for judging. Be sure to point out to clients that it makes sense that
they are having difficulties with this skill, because it’s really hard! If they judge themselves a lot,
explain that this makes sense too, especially if they heard a lot of judgments from their parents as
they were growing up. In this case, I like to point out that it doesn’t place blame on their parents,
since they learned how to communicate from their parents, and so on. It can also be very validating
for clients to hear about some of your experiences with judging, so don’t be afraid to provide some
examples of your own. Remember, this kind of self-disclosure can go a long way toward establishing
trust, as you’re displaying that you’re human too. This also helps clients see that you practice this
skill yourself and therefore can relate to difficulties they might be having.
WRAPPING UP
In this chapter we’ve looked at additional skills to help clients with their mindfulness practice:
mental noting and being nonjudgmental. Many of the other skills in this book build on these, so
they form a good foundation or starting point for helping clients manage their emotions more
effectively. In the next chapter, I’ll continue to build on this by looking at three different thinking
styles and how understanding them can build self-awareness and help clients reduce the extent to
which their emotions control them, allowing them to be more effective in life.
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CHAPTER 7
Helping Clients Reduce

Emotional Reactivity
Up to this point in part 2 of the book, we’ve looked at skills to help clients become more mindful so
they can manage their emotions more effectively. This chapter continues in the same vein by explor-
ing the three different thinking styles we all have and how they influence whether clients continue
to react from their emotions or learn how to manage their emotions more effectively. I’ll also discuss
some lifestyle changes that can help clients reduce their vulnerability to their emotions.
THREE STYLES OF THINKING

Linehan (1993b) outlines three states of mind, or ways we have of thinking about things: the rea-
soning self, the emotional self, and the wise self. I usually find it most effective to teach clients
about these styles of thinking right after the mindfulness skills, as this furthers the process of
increasing clients’ self-awareness.
The Reasoning Self

When teaching clients about the three styles of thinking, I first describe the reasoning self: the
part of ourselves that we use when we’re thinking logically or reasoning something out. When we
use this part of ourselves, there are few or no emotions involved. If there are emotions present, they
don’t significantly influence how we behave. Rather, the focus is on thinking logically about some-
thing: organizing your day at work, leaving instructions for the babysitter, deciding whether you
should drive or take the subway to work, taking minutes at a meeting, and so on.
DBT Made Simple
Give clients some examples and then ask them to think of some times when they acted from
their reasoning self. This may take a while and you may need to help, but clients can usually come
up with at least one example.
The Emotional Self

Most clients don’t have difficulties coming up with examples of times when they’ve acted from
their emotional self—the part that often gets us into trouble, as our behaviors are controlled by the
emotion we’re feeling in the moment. I give clients some general examples, such as feeling angry
and lashing out at someone, feeling anxious and avoiding whatever is causing the anxiety, or feeling
depressed and withdrawing and isolating. Then I ask clients to think of some examples of their own:
When have they acted from their emotional self? Usually clients can relate to this thinking style
and examples come to them easily. If not, you’ve probably learned enough about a given client and
why he’s coming for treatment to prompt him with some examples.
The Wise Self

The difficulty often lies in getting clients to see that they have a wise self, which is the combina-
tion of the reasoning self, the emotional self, and intuition (Linehan, 1993b). In other words, we feel
our emotions and are still able to think straight, and we weigh the consequences of our actions and
choose to act in a way that’s in our best interests in the long run, even if that means behaving in a
way that’s quite difficult. Again, provide some examples: You’re having an argument with your
partner, and instead of saying something hurtful that comes to mind, you bite your tongue because
you know you’ll regret it later. You have an urge to drink, but part of you recognizes this as an inef-
fective way of coping, so you call your mother or go to an AA meeting instead.
It’s also important to point out to clients that acting from your wise self doesn’t necessarily
entail a humongous achievement. Give smaller examples as well. You wake up in the morning and
feel down; it’s cold, it’s still dark outside, and your first impulse is to call in sick. But instead you roll
over, turn off the alarm, and get out of bed. This is your wise self. Or say it’s 5:00 p.m., your part-
ner’s going to be home from work soon, and you promised you would cook dinner, but you’re
exhausted and don’t feel like it. Yet you do it anyway. This is your wise self.
Sometimes clients say something like, “But I have to go to work because I have to pay the bills;
that’s not acting wisely.” But the truth is, no one has to go to work, we choose to go to work. We could
choose to not go and the bills wouldn’t get paid. When you make a choice to get out of bed and go
to work, that choice comes from your wise self. You weighed the consequences and decided what
would be more effective in the long run, even though it wasn’t necessarily the easy thing to do.
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Helping Clients Reduce Emotional Reactivity
HOW TO ACCESS YOUR WISE SELF

Often, just having an awareness of the different ways we think about things can help clients access
their wise self more often. But there are also skills you can teach clients to help expedite this
process, described in the following sections.
Mental Noting with Emotions

Using the mindfulness skill mental noting (discussed in chapter 6) with emotions can help
clients access their wise self. I find the following analogy helpful in explaining this concept to
clients and illustrating how it can help them access their wise self:
Therapist: Think of your emotions as a tornado. Because of your difficulties in regulating

your emotions, right now when you experience an emotion you tend to get
sucked up into it. The emotion takes over and sends you out of control, just like
a tornado does with anything in its path. Mentally noting your experience of
the emotion helps you put a little distance between you and the emotion so you
can watch the tornado from a safe distance, rather than getting sucked up into
it. You’re still in touch with the emotion, still experiencing how it feels, but not
at its mercy—just like if you were standing at a safe distance from a tornado,
you’d still be able to feel the rain and wind and observe the thunder and light-
ning, but without getting caught up in the whirlwind.
Improving Self-Talk
Another way you can help the client access the wise self is through his self-talk. We often hear
clients judging themselves, putting themselves down, and just generally being quite hard on them-
selves. (And, let’s admit it, we also do this ourselves at times.) The more a client beats up on himself
this way, the more he’ll be hijacked by his emotional self, and the harder it will be for him to access
his wise self. Help clients work on changing this using the skill of being nonjudgmental toward
themselves. Remind them that how they talk to themselves influences how they think and feel
about things. Encourage them to think of someone they really care about and to speak to them-
selves the way they would to that person. This will help them be kinder to themselves, which will
help them access their wise self.
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DBT Made Simple
Just This Moment

A third DBT skill that will help clients access their wise self is focusing on the present moment
and whatever they happen to find in the moment (Linehan, 1993b). By practicing mindfulness with
whatever activity they are doing in the moment, they can distract themselves from painful emo-
tions. Once again, help clients with this skill by personalizing it for them. Here’s an example using
the client from the previous chapter, who thinks of herself as a bad mother:
Therapist: Next time something happens that brings up those old self-defeating messages
of what a bad mother you are, mindfully focus on what you need to do instead.
If you notice your son’s lunch sitting on the counter, say to yourself, I’m picking
up the lunch bag off the counter. I’m getting my coat and car keys. I’m putting on my shoes and
taking my purse out of the closet. I’m walking down the walkway to the car… and so on.
By focusing on just the present moment, clients can remain in the moment more often, rather
than thinking about some mistake they’ve made and judging themselves for it, dwelling on hurtful
comments others made in the past, and so on. Instead, they can take things one step at a time and
focus on what they need to do in the moment.
While focusing on just this moment is mindfulness, it’s only one part of mindfulness. As dis-
cussed, the other part is nonjudgment, or acceptance. (I’ll discuss the skill of acceptance in depth
in chapter 10.) Whatever clients notice while focusing on just this moment, they should also work
on accepting, because nonacceptance is judging, and judging increases emotional pain. When emo-
tions are intense, it’s much more difficult to access the wise self, so by practicing the skill of focus-
ing on just this moment, clients will develop a greater ability to access their wise self.
Encourage clients to work on this skill whenever they notice painful emotions arising, mind-
fully focusing on whatever they happen to be doing in that moment. If a client is doing the dishes,
he should focus on just that: cleaning each dish, the sensation of the soap on his hands, the warmth
of the water, and so on. If he’s at work, he should be focusing on just work-related tasks: doing his
job, checking emails, returning phone calls, meeting with clients, speaking with his boss, and so on.
At the same time, he should work on accepting whatever happens to come into his awareness as
best as he can, whether it’s an emotion, a thought, a physical sensation, or whatever. As with mind-
fulness, the focus is on direct experience in the moment, and when attention wanders from just this
moment, he should gently brings his attention back, without judgment.
ADDRESSING LIFESTYLE ISSUES THAT AFFECT

EMOTION REGULATION
Most effective psychotherapies examine lifestyle factors that affect clients’ emotional state. In
DBT, the skills that address these issues are referred to as skills that help reduce emotional vulnerability
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(Linehan, 1993b). Essentially, this is about assessing different aspects of clients’ lifestyles and
helping them make changes in some of these areas to reduce their emotional reactivity and increase
their ability to act from their wise self.
Balancing Sleep
It’s difficult to function without enough sleep, yet the average person is sleep deprived, getting
about one hour less of sleep each night than what the body requires (Hanson & Mendius, 2009).
Given the busy world we live in, when I broach this subject with clients I tend to get all sorts of
excuses for why it’s not possible for them to sleep more: the commute, the kids’ swimming lessons,
the housework, and so on. In any case, it always comes back to the fundamental reality that you
can’t force clients to do what you know will be helpful for them. You can point out that making
sleep (and self-care in general) more of a priority is acting from their wise self, and that just as going
to work isn’t really negotiable, self-care shouldn’t be either, but in the end you must give clients
room to make the decision for themselves.
Still, you may be able to exert some influence by explaining that sleep deprivation impairs
memory, is associated with reduced attention and alertness, and increases irritability and emotional
instability. Further, according to Van der Helm and Walker (2010), “sleep loss appears to differen-
tially disrupt the learning of affective experiences, potentially creating a dominance of negative
emotional memory” (p. 258). In other words, sleep deprivation causes people to remember emo-
tional situations as being more negative than they actually were.
Of course, not all clients are sleep deprived by choice. I’ve been working with a young man who
has insomnia. He’s tried all of my suggestions for improving sleep to no avail and finally agreed to
a trial of medications with his psychiatrist to see if this might improve his sleep. He’s also attending
a sleep clinic to assess the problem. For most of our clients, however, there are things they can do
to improve sleep. Here are some examples:
UÊ Going to bed earlier or getting up later
UÊ Cutting down or eliminating caffeine, nicotine, and other stimulants
UÊ Taking sleeping medications (and other medications) as prescribed, or using herbal

remedies approved by a doctor or pharmacist, such as valerian, melatonin, or chamo-
mile tea
UÊ Eating earlier in the evening and not going to bed on an empty stomach
UÊ Ensuring the bedroom is a comfortable temperature with reduced light and noise, and
that the bed is used only for sleep (and sex), rather than for watching television, working
on the computer, and so on
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DBT Made Simple
UÊ Establishing an end-of-day routine that allows time for activities that get the body
ready for sleep; for example, watching nonstressful television programs, light reading,
taking a hot bath, listening to a relaxation CD, saying prayers or meditating, and so on
While for some of our clients the problem is getting enough sleep, for others it’s sleeping too
much. Some people use sleep as an escape when emotions are intense and they don’t know how else
to cope. For others, sleep alleviates boredom. Often, however, people don’t realize that sleeping
too much can reduce their ability to regulate emotions, not to mention making them feel more
tired and lethargic, less energetic, and even irritable.
Help your clients balance their amount of sleep: not too much and not too little. If a client is
sleeping too much, encourage him to reduce his amount of sleep gradually, starting by going to bed
fifteen minutes later than he usually would or waking up fifteen minutes earlier. Every few days, he
can reduce his amount of sleep by another fifteen minutes.
I believe we all have an ideal number of hours of sleep for optimal functioning. Try to help
clients find this number. In my experience, people usually require somewhere between seven and
ten hours. However, this is a very individual requirement and everyone is different, so ask clients
about this: Do they know what their ideal amount of sleep is? If not, can they recall a time when
they regularly felt rested and functioned well? If so, how many hours of sleep were they typically
getting then?
If a client can’t recall a time like that, then it’s about experimenting. Have him begin to reduce
his sleep slowly if he seems to be sleeping too much or increase it slowly if he seems to be sleeping
too little. It’s helpful to have the client keep a journal as he’s doing this, recording how many hours
he slept the night before, what his mood was like during the day, and whether he felt irritable,
fatigued, and so on. Hopefully, this process will help him determine the amount of sleep that’s
optimal for him. If not, have him explore other possible contributing factors with his medical
doctor. Sometimes people are over- or undermedicated, resulting in poor sleep or a “hungover,”
sedated feeling. Sometimes thyroid problems, sleep apnea, or other medical conditions can cause
fatigue or insomnia, and a doctor can also assess for these problems.
Treating Physical Illness

Physical illnesses often make it more difficult for people to manage their emotions. When
people have a medical condition such as diabetes, high or low blood pressure, or a heart condition,
it’s obviously important for them to take their medications as prescribed in order to limit the physi-
ological effects of the illness. But it’s also important from a psychological perspective. When con-
ditions go untreated, they can create sensations in the body that mimic feelings of anxiety or
depression, for example, or that simply make people more vulnerable to their emotions.
Think about how lousy you feel when you have the flu, a cold, or strep throat, and how being
sick affects you. It’s likely that you feel more irritable and lethargic and have less patience and
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energy. Whether clients are dealing with the flu or a heart condition, it’s important for them to take
medications prescribed for the condition and to follow any other doctor recommendations for
treatment. When dealing with temporary illnesses such as the flu or a cold, they need to reduce
their responsibilities wherever possible so they can get more rest and take good care of
themselves.
Chronic pain conditions are also important to consider. We’ve all had pain of some sort, so you
can imagine how this would affect someone experiencing it constantly. Pain makes people more
irritable and less patient, making it more difficult to manage feelings if something triggers emo-
tional pain. If a client has a chronic pain condition, this is an additional challenge, and it’s important
that he be aware of that. While he can follow treatment recommendations and take medications as
prescribed, chronic pain often means the client is stuck with the pain and has to learn to live with
it and not let it limit his ability to manage his emotions more effectively. If chronic pain is an issue,
consider referring the client to a mindfulness group for this problem; such interventions can be
very helpful.
Reducing Use of Mood-Altering Substances

Drugs and alcohol are called mood-altering substances for a reason: They alter a person’s mood,
and the person has no control over how his mood is altered. People commonly report that they use
alcohol to help them relax, but the disinhibiting effects of alcohol often turn into physical aggres-
sion, yelling and screaming, tears, and so on. If a person already has difficulties managing his emo-
tions, is it wise to add the unpredictable effects of drugs or alcohol?
Some clients use alcohol to help them sleep. It’s important to inform such clients that alcohol
actually has a negative effect on sleep due to a rebound effect. Four to five hours after consuming
alcohol, the rebound effect kicks in and people usually find themselves awake (Roehrs & Roth,
2001). In addition, researchers have found that consuming alcohol within an hour of bedtime seems
to disrupt the second half of the sleep period, so people don’t get the same deep sleep they other-
wise would (Landolt, Roth, Dijk, & Borbely, 1996).
Then there are clients who use drugs or alcohol to help numb their emotions so they don’t have
to deal with them. This makes sense, and we therefore need to validate it, indicating that we under-
stand it, and at the same time encourage them to see this as a goal to work on, as it’s unhealthy and
possibly even self-destructive.
Your first challenge may be to just get a client to see that drugs and alcohol are a problem.
Doing behavior analyses (discussed in chapter 3) will help with this. But even when people can see
that a behavior is problematic, they still might not want to change it. In this case, your next chal-
lenge is getting them to set small goals around reducing their use—keeping in mind that if a client
isn’t willing to set something as a goal yet, you need to accept this and gently continue to push for
change over time.
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DBT Made Simple
Improving Nutrition
Amazingly, people often don’t seem to understand the connection between nutrition and
mental health. Time and again I’m assessing clients and they tell me they don’t eat breakfast, skip
lunch, or don’t bother to eat until later in the day. Sometimes people simply forget to eat because
they’re busy. Some people lose their appetite because of emotional distress, and others just can’t
be bothered to eat properly. Whatever the reason, it’s imperative to teach clients about the con-
nection between poor eating habits and mood and anxiety, as this will underscore the importance
of eating properly.
Everybody has heard the cliché you are what you eat, but for some reason many people don’t
connect that adage with how they feel mentally and emotionally. What you eat doesn’t affect just
physical health; it can also affect general mood on a day-to-day basis. In order for the brain to com-
municate with the rest of the body, it needs neurotransmitters, such as serotonin, which are made
from the nutrients in the foods we eat. Explain to clients that not eating enough, or not eating a
well-balanced, nutritious diet, prevents the body from being able to create enough of these chemi-
cals, and depression and anxiety can result.
Also explain that skipping meals can make blood sugar levels fall too low, and that eating
starchy, sugary foods or simple carbohydrates can cause blood sugar levels to increase too much.
These fluctuations in blood sugar levels can make a person irritable, forgetful, or sad. In addition,
not eating enough can lead to emotional reactivity, higher stress levels, and an overall sense of
reduced well-being. Research in children has shown that skipping breakfast has negative conse-
quences on problem solving, short-term memory, and concentration, and that eating breakfast
increases positive mood, contentment, and alertness (Logan, 2006).
Of course, if a client has anorexia or bulimia, this must be addressed in therapy, either by you
or by someone who has experience with eating disorders—and sooner rather than later due to the
health risks these disorders present. If you treat the eating disorder yourself, make sure the client
has been seen by a medical doctor and declared physically healthy enough to do this kind of work.
Increasing Exercise
Exercise is, of course, a natural antidepressant. It leads to the release of endorphins, those
chemicals in the brain that help us relax and feel happy. Exercise also simply helps people feel good
about themselves because they know they’re acting effectively and doing something that’s good for
them. Some studies (e.g., Brenes et al., 2007) suggest that exercise is as effective as antidepressant
medications at reducing symptoms of depression among adults diagnosed with major depression.
Both the biological effects and the psychological effects (increasing self-efficacy and self-esteem
and reducing negative thinking) of exercise are thought to be responsible for its positive influence
on mood.
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In addition, there is abundant evidence that exercise has positive effects on blood pressure and
cardiovascular disorders, improves learning and memory, delays age-related cognitive decline,
reduces risk for dementia, and improves medical conditions such as diabetes, osteoporosis, and
Alzheimer’s disease (Barbour, Edenfield, & Blumenthal, 2007).
While there are guidelines about how much exercise people should get, I usually tell clients that
anything more than what they’re currently doing is a great start. This helps take the pressure off
and makes it more likely that they’ll actually increase their exercise, whereas telling them that they
need to exercise for twenty minutes three times a week could overwhelm them and result in not
exercising at all. On the other hand, if you’re working with a client with an eating disorder, you may
need do the opposite and encourage reducing compulsive or excessive exercise.
WRAPPING UP
In this chapter you learned about the three different styles of thinking: the reasoning self, the emo-
tional self, and the wise self. It’s important to get clients thinking about these states of mind, so ask
them to start paying close attention to what thinking style they’re using in the moment. They don’t
have to write anything down; this is just about increasing awareness. It will also be helpful to have
clients consider whether they can make some lifestyle changes that will reduce their vulnerability
to being controlled by the emotional self. If so, help them set small, realistic, and achievable goals
in these areas. While some of the lifestyle changes discussed in this chapter might seem like simple
changes for clients to make, such changes aren’t always easy. Assess each of these areas with clients,
provide them with information, and make suggestions. Help them set realistic goals, and hopefully
they’ll see the importance of working hard to make these changes, even if it takes some time. In the
next chapter, we’ll look at the skills clients need to help them survive crisis situations without
making things worse.
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CHAPTER 8
Helping Clients Survive a Crisis:

Distress Tolerance Skills
So far we’ve looked at skills to help clients manage their emotions more effectively in the long run.
But sometimes things get so out of control that the focus must become simply helping the client
stay alive, or at least just get through a crisis without engaging in behaviors that make the situation
worse. This is where DBT distress tolerance skills come in.
In this chapter, we’ll first look at how a cost-benefit analysis can help clients decide that a
behavior isn’t helpful and may in fact be harmful. Then we’ll look at different ways clients can dis-
tract themselves from distressing thoughts and emotions when they’re in a crisis situation, which
can help them not act on urges to engage in old, problematic behaviors. We’ll also look at the skill
of coping ahead, which can help clients be more effective in their lives.
IDENTIFYING PROBLEM BEHAVIORS

As always, the first step in using skills is to help clients increase their awareness. What behaviors
do they engage in that are unhealthy or even self-destructive? The long list of possibilities includes
drinking or using drugs, gambling, self-harming behaviors, threatening or attempting suicide,
lashing out at people who care about them, shoplifting, driving dangerously, under- or overeating,
or sleeping to avoid or escape life.
Of course, your idea of what qualifies as an unhealthy behavior might differ from a client’s. If
you believe a client is using an unhealthy behavior to cope in times of crisis and she disagrees, it
may be helpful to complete a cost-benefit analysis of the behavior with the client. (I’ve provided a
worksheet for this, along with a sample.)
DBT Made Simple
EXAMINING THE COSTS AND BENEFITS

OF PROBLEM BEHAVIORS
The DBT skill of looking at the pros and cons (Linehan, 1993b) is used when clients are ambivalent
about giving up a behavior and need help seeing that the behavior has costs or negative conse-
quences. Doing a cost-benefit analysis helps them come to terms with this so they can make a more
conscious decision to either engage in the behavior or choose to act in another way. In the event
that they choose to continue with the problem behavior, the analysis has at least had the effect of
helping them recognize that they’re making a choice, rather than just reverting back to a habit.
I’ve included the Cost-Benefit Analysis Worksheet to help with the process, along with a sample
that examines the behavior of lashing out at someone in anger. Initially, it’s most helpful if you work
together with clients to fill out the worksheet and generate ideas about benefits and costs of both
engaging and not engaging in a behavior. First have them think of the benefits and costs of the
behavior. Clients usually don’t have difficulty with this: they know how they find the behavior
helpful, and they can often see at least some of the negatives. Then have them consider the flip
side: What are the benefits and costs of not engaging in the behavior? What happens when they
don’t resort to engaging in the behavior?
Once clients have identified some costs and benefits in each area, have them rate each on a
scale from 1 (very little importance) to 5 (high importance). The idea is to have them assign a
numerical value to each cost and benefit, so that rather than just looking at how many items they
have in each column, as in a traditional pros and cons chart, they can assign a numerical value to
each category of benefits and costs. This provides a better assessment of whether the behavior is
truly helpful or harmful.
I like to start the worksheet in my office with clients and then have them take it home to con-
tinue working on it. I ask them to bring it back to our next session for review.
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Helping Clients Survive a Crisis: Distress Tolerance Skills
SAMPLE COST-BENEFIT ANALYSIS

WORKSHEET
Problem Behavior: Lashing out in anger
Benefits of self-destructive coping behavior: Lashing out
2 It provides immediate relief. 2 It sometimes helps me get what I want.
3 It helps me protect myself. 1 It’s satisfying.
2 People are careful around me afterward. 3 It helps me feel in control.
Total: 13
Costs of self-destructive coping behavior: Lashing out
5 People don’t respect me. 5 I don’t respect myself.
3 I don’t get to practice coping skills. 5 Sometimes I lose relationships.
5 Sometimes I end up hurting people I care about.
Total: 23
Benefits of healthy coping behavior: Not lashing out
5 It makes me feel good about myself. 5 It improves my relationships.
3 I often get what I want in a healthy way. 3 It allows me to work on DBT skills.
Total: 16
Costs of healthy coping behavior: Not lashing out
1 I don’t get to speak my mind. 3 It’s harder to use skills.
3 It feels like giving up control. 2 I don’t get instant gratification.
Total: 9
Total of benefits of self-destructive coping behavior + costs of healthy coping behavior = 22
Total of costs of self-destructive coping behavior + benefits of healthy coping behavior = 39
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DBT Made Simple
COST-BENEFIT ANALYSIS WORKSHEET

Problem behavior:
Benefits of self-destructive coping behavior:
Total:
Costs of self-destructive coping behavior:
Total:
Benefits of healthy coping behavior: Not
Total:
Costs of healthy coping behavior: Not
Total:
Total of benefits of self-destructive coping behavior + costs of healthy coping behavior =
Total of costs of self-destructive coping behavior + benefits of healthy coping behavior =
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Tell clients not to limit themselves and to write down anything that comes to mind in any of the
four categories. It doesn’t matter if the items repeat or overlap; what matters is that clients see the
bigger picture, and that they see the behavior they’re analyzing from a different perspective, with
an awareness that it has both costs and benefits attached to it.
What I like about this cost-benefit analysis versus a pros and cons chart is that clients aren’t just
comparing how many answers they come up with for each category; they’re looking at the weight of
each answer in each category. In other words, by assigning each answer a numerical value, clients
can come up with a total for each category and see that (hopefully) the benefits of acting in a
healthy way and consequences of acting in an unhealthy way outnumber the benefits of acting in
an unhealthy way and the costs of acting in a healthy way. (By the way, it might take a while for you
to wrap your own head around this, so you might want to do a worksheet or two on your own.)
In addition to helping clients make the decision to set a goal of stopping an unhealthy behavior,
the cost-benefit analysis can provide support along the way. Consider having clients write out the
benefits of acting in a healthy way and the consequences of acting in an unhealthy way on a sepa-
rate sheet of paper or on an index card they can carry with them. When they start to experience
the urge to engage in the problem behavior, they can read the benefits and consequences to remind
themselves why they don’t want to act on the urge.
RESISTTING THE URGE

Although it’s often very difficult for clients to change habitual problem behaviors, there are lots of
things they can do to help themselves not act on the urge. In DBT, these are known as crisis survival
skills (Linehan, 1993b). Let’s take a look at these now, using the acronym RESISTT:
R: Reframe.
E: Mindfully Engage in an activity.
S: Do something for Someone else.
I: Intense sensations.
S: Shut it out.
T: Think neutral Thoughts.
T: Take a break.
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DBT Made Simple
R: Reframe
Reframing refers to changing one’s perspective about something—in other words, helping clients
make lemons out of lemonade (Linehan, 1993a) or helping them see the silver lining. Of course,
you have to be careful that in doing so you don’t invalidate clients or minimize their worries. Here’s
an example:
Client: I can’t believe that I’ve been in therapy and doing all of this work for almost two
years, and I’ve started bingeing again. What’s wrong with me that I can’t stop?
I know how unhealthy it is, and I don’t want to gain weight again!
Therapist: Yes, you’re struggling, Anna, but it makes sense given all of the stressors in your
life right now (validation). If this was two years ago, how do you think you’d be
coping with everything that’s going on?
Client: Well I’d probably be in the hospital already. At the very least, I’d be feeling
suicidal and wouldn’t be functioning very well.
Therapist: Right. So even though you’ve gone back to an unhealthy behavior, you’re not
where you were two years ago. In fact, you’re coping quite a bit better than you
were back then, right?
Client: Yeah, I guess you’re right.
There are many different ways to reframe. The above dialogue is an example of helping a client
compare herself now to how she was in the past, at a time when she wasn’t coping as well. This can
often help clients acknowledge the changes they’ve made, even though they may still be
struggling.
You can also help clients compare themselves to someone who isn’t coping as well. With this
approach, it’s important to realize, and to point out to the client, that this isn’t about putting the
other person down, but about changing the client’s perspective or getting her to see that although
things might be difficult, they could be worse. Some people have a hard time comparing them-
selves to others in this way, so be careful when using this technique and monitor how the client is
responding. Using the same situation as above, here’s an example of how you might use this
approach:
Client: I can’t believe that I’ve been in therapy and doing all of this work for almost two
years, and I’ve started bingeing again. What’s wrong with me that I can’t stop?
I know how unhealthy it is, and I don’t want to gain weight again!
Therapist: I know you’re struggling right now Anna, and it makes sense, given all of the
stressors you’re dealing with (validation). But look at how far you’ve come. You’re
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using skills, and for the most part, they’re helping you not engage in those old
unhealthy behaviors, right? Remember how you recently told me you had run
into Matthew from group? You said he wasn’t doing very well and had just been
discharged from the hospital. Even though things are hard right now, it could
be worse, Anna. You have to give yourself credit for all of the work you’ve done
and the progress you’ve made.
Of course, over time you want clients to be able to reframe on their own, but like any skill, it
takes practice. If a client struggles with this at first, you can also have her compare her personal
situation to more global situations, rather than comparing herself to individuals. I once worked with
a client who told me that she’d been feeling suicidal and was trying to distract herself from those
thoughts. In practicing her distracting skills, she turned on the television and was looking for some-
thing to take her mind off her problems. She came across a news broadcast on the war in Iraq, and
she started thinking about how unfortunate the people there were—how they never knew when
the next attack would come or who it would come from. She said, “Here I was thinking of killing
myself, and every day these people are faced with the threat of suicide bombers. I thought of how
strong they are, and I knew that I had to be strong too.” By acknowledging that others were suffer-
ing just as much or even more than she was, this client was able to see that things could be worse.
The way clients talk to themselves about what’s happening in their lives can also change the
way they think and feel about things. Often, especially when depression and anxiety are a problem,
people tend to get fixated on the negatives. They focus on how bad the situation is and catastroph-
ize or think about the worst possible thing that could happen. If you can help them change how
they think about the situation, they’ll find that it’s more bearable than they imagined and will be
more likely to get through it without engaging in behaviors that could make it worse.
To help with self-talk, have clients write out coping statements to use when they get into situ-
ations that they’re struggling with and that trigger intense emotions. That way they won’t make it
worse with self-talk and can actually help themselves cope more effectively. Here are some
examples:
UÊ I can get through this.
UÊ The emotions are intense and uncomfortable, but I know they won’t hurt me.
UÊ This pain won’t last forever.
E: Mindfully Engage in an Activity

Getting one’s mind off a painful situation and the emotions it’s evoking is often helpful.
Researchers (Koole, 2009) have found that telling people to not think about an unwanted emotion
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actually increases the activation of that emotion, whereas providing them with something to think
about in place of the emotion greatly increases their ability to not think about it. The important
lesson for clients is that if they don’t want to think about something or feel something, efforts to
not have the experience are, paradoxically, the most effective way to ensure that the experience
persists. If they say to themselves, I don’t want to feel this way, the feeling will hang around longer
because of trying to push it away. Rather than trying not to think or feel certain things, they need
to learn to distract themselves.
There’s a subtle but critical difference between trying to push an experience away and turning
your mind to something else. When you try to push an experience away, you’re judging it and
trying to avoid it. Christopher Germer (2009) notes that when you try to push something away, it
goes into the basement and lifts weights! Not only does it not go away, it actually gets stronger. In
contrast, when we turn our minds to something else, we’re acknowledging the experience and then
moving our attention elsewhere, without judgment. Therefore, this is also about mindfulness.
Rather than judging our experience, we just notice it and then bring our attention to whatever
we’re doing in the present.
When clients are in a crisis, you want them to be able to distract with activities that will hold
their attention. So have them make a list of activities they can do that might distract them when
they’re feeling distressed. There are an infinite number of activities they could turn their attention
to: going for a walk, calling a friend, baking cookies, playing with a pet, reading to their children,
going to the gym, and so on. Again, I usually help clients start their list during a session and then
ask them to work on it for homework. It’s also important to add to the list regularly. The goal is for
it to be as long as possible so that when clients are in a crisis, they have many options for activities
that might take their mind off the situation.
S: Do Something for Someone Else

Sometimes, an effective way for clients to get their minds off their own problems is to do some-
thing for someone else. When clients are in a crisis, they might find it helpful to distract themselves
by turning their attention to someone else, perhaps visiting a friend who’s in the hospital or who
can’t get out of the house, spending a couple of hours baking a special treat for a family member or
friend, planning a surprise for someone they care about, and so on. Such activities can distract
them from their pain. Of course, in difficult times, clients might not be able to think of something
they can do for someone else. Therefore, have them come up with some ideas in session and add
them to their list of activities that can help them get through the crisis without making it worse.
Some activities will be more doable than others in a crisis; for example, if a client is feeling
suicidal, it probably wouldn’t be safe for her to ask her sister if she can help out by taking the kids
for a few hours. So make sure you discuss with clients ahead of time a variety of ideas for how they
can use this skill in a safe, appropriate, and helpful way.
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I: Experience Intense Sensations

Sometimes generating intense physical sensations can distract the mind from painful emotions.
This helps explain why many clients resort to cutting or hurting themselves in other ways: because
it can actually help them feel better temporarily. Obviously, the key here is to help clients identify
intense sensations that aren’t harmful. Have them think about physical sensations they can gener-
ate that might take their mind off a crisis. For people who engage in self-harm, Linehan (1993b)
suggests holding an ice cube in one hand. This can cause physical pain if held long enough, and the
sensation is intense. For some people, this can take the place of self-harming behaviors. Here are
some examples of other things clients might do to get their mind off a crisis:
UÊ Take a hot or cold bath or shower.
UÊ Keep a rubber band on one wrist and snap it—not so hard that it causes a lot of physical
pain, but hard enough to generate a sensation that will temporarily occupy the mind.
UÊ Chew on crushed ice or frozen fruit.
UÊ Go for a walk in cold or hot weather.
UÊ Lie in the hot sun (with sunscreen on!).
Again, have clients add whatever intense sensations they can think of to their list of activities
to help them survive a crisis.
S: Shut It Out
Quite often, clients’ surroundings and the people around them can contribute to the over-
whelming emotions they experience. When this is the case, physically leaving the situation and
going somewhere calm and quiet will make it more likely that they can use their skills, access their
wise self, and manage their emotions more effectively.
Sometimes, however, this isn’t enough. Clients may continue to dwell on the problem even
though they’ve left the situation physically. This is when the DBT skill known as pushing away
(Linehan, 1993b) is helpful. With this skill, clients use their imagination to convince the mind that
the problem isn’t something that can be worked on in the present moment.
To help clients develop this skill, first have them write down all of the problems that are trig-
gering the painful emotions. Even if there’s only one, still have them write it down. Next, have
them ask themselves whether this is a problem they can solve right now: Do they have the skills to
solve the problem? Is there a solution to the problem that they can start working in this very
moment? And is now a good time to work on the problem?
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If a client sees that she can solve the problem, then she needs to work on doing just that, rather
than shutting it out or pushing it away. If solving the problem will reduce her emotional distress,
this is the most effective thing to do. The skill of pushing away is only effective if the client can
convince her mind that the problem at hand isn’t one that can be solved in the moment. Of course,
we can’t solve all of the problems in our lives, so for those that can’t be solved, at least in the short
term, have the client shut them out. Ask the client to close her eyes and mentally picture an image
that represents the problem she’s struggling with. For example, if the problem centers on an argu-
ment she had, she might call up an image of the person or visualize the person’s name. Next, have
her picture putting her problem in a box, putting a lid on the box, and tying the lid on with string.
I tell clients to go all out with this visualization to convince the mind that the problem must be put
away for the time being. For example, the client can go on to picture herself putting the box on a
high shelf in a closet, shutting the closet door, and putting a padlock on the door or chaining it
shut. Ask clients to imagine whatever works to send the message to the brain that this problem is
off-limits for the time being (Linehan, 2003a).
This skill, and any other approach that involves trying to avoid thinking certain thoughts or
feeling certain emotions, can be helpful for some people. As mentioned earlier, though, sometimes
trying to push thoughts and emotions away just makes them stronger, so this skill should be used
sparingly, almost as a last resort. And of course, as with all of the RESISTT skills, even if it does
help, it should only be used temporarily. Regular use of these skills turns into avoidance, which will
make the situation worse in the long run.
T: Think Neutral Thoughts

Focusing attention on neutral thoughts can provide distraction from emotions and urges,
thereby reducing their intensity. Neutral thoughts can be anything that won’t add to the distressing
emotions. A common example is counting to ten to help you remain in control when you’re feeling
angry. Here are some other examples of using neutral thoughts for distraction:
UÊ Saying a prayer
UÊ Singing a favorite song or reciting a nursery rhyme or poem
UÊ Saying the names of objects observed in the environment (e.g.: desk, bed, dresser)
UÊ Repeating a mantra, such as “It is what it is” or “Peace and calm”
Again, personalize this skill for clients. If you’re already aware of something a client does that
fits into this category, point out that she’s already using this skill sometimes—and that now that she
knows it’s skillful behavior, she can make a point of using it even more frequently and in a conscious
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way. Sometimes when I teach clients other DBT skills, they really connect with a saying I give them
(such as “It is what it is,” the mantra of acceptance), or they’ll tell me about a saying they’ve come
up with on their own. Use these as examples of how they can practice focusing on neutral thoughts
to help them get through a crisis without making things worse.
T: Take a Break
Taking a break in some way when emotions are high can also help clients get through a crisis
without making it worse (Linehan, 2003b). Help them get creative with this. Taking a break might
mean doing so literally—taking a “mental health day” from work as long as this won’t have negative
consequences. And even if they can’t take a whole day off from work, they can still go out for lunch
or at least a fifteen-minute walk to get some fresh air and clear their head.
Help each client figure out what taking a break might look like for her. She might need to ask
someone to come babysit the kids for an hour so she can go out for a drive or walk and relax for a
bit. Maybe she needs to skip the errands she had planned for the day and order a pizza for dinner
instead of cooking. Taking a break might also involve practicing mindfulness, relaxation exercises,
or imagery techniques that help her relax, such as imagining herself in a safe place, like a room in
her mind where she feels safe or a favorite vacation spot. This kind of visualization can induce
relaxation, promote calm, and, overall, help clients not make the situation worse. There are many
different ways of taking a break from your problems.
Again, when teaching clients this skill, make sure they understand that it shouldn’t be used too
often, and that the breaks shouldn’t last so long that they interfere with their responsibilities or
goals, which would cause more harm than good (Linehan, 2003b). Taking a break can be very
helpful in reducing stress, but only when it’s used appropriately and in a limited way; otherwise it
can turn into avoidance and make the situation worse.
MANAGING URGES
Often, once therapist and client have agreed on some goals, the client still has a hard time not
acting on problematic urges when they arise. I find it’s usually best to help clients create a plan
about what they’ll do when they begin to experience an urge. The handout Steps to Managing
Your Urges outlines an approach that most people find helpful. Feel free to photocopy the handout
and use it in your practice. Also, note that it will be most effective if you go through the handout
with clients and personalize the approach to each client’s situation.
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STEPS TO MANAGING YOUR URGES

1. Rate the urge from 1 (minimal urge) to 10 (highly intense urge).
2. Set an alarm (for example, on your cell phone, an alarm clock, or a kitchen timer) for fifteen minutes
and commit to not acting on the urge for those fifteen minutes. By putting some time between
when the urge arises and when you act on it, you may find that the urge decreases and you’re able
to not act on it. Don’t set a time longer than fifteen minutes, or resisting for that long may seem
overwhelming and unachievable.
3. During the next fifteen minutes, use your distress tolerance skills to get yourself through the crisis.
Having the urge is a crisis; acting on the urge will make the situation worse. So pull out your list
of reasons to not act on the urge from your Cost-Benefit Analysis Worksheet and read them to
remind yourself why you don’t want to act on the urge. Then use your RESISTT skills to help you
not act on the urge.
It’s also helpful if you do activities that make it harder for you to act on the urge. For example,
if your urge is to go to the casino, take a shower. Once you’ve showered, you have to dry off, dry
your hair, and get dressed again before you can go anywhere, so it puts more time between you
and the action. If your urge is to eat junk food, go for a walk. It’s harder to eat while you’re walking
down the sidewalk. Better yet, if you have a dog, take him for a walk; that way you’ll only have one
hand available.
4. When your alarm goes off after fifteen minutes, rate your urge again. If it’s come down to a man-
ageable level and you’re confident you won’t act on it, pat yourself on the back and go about your
day. If not, set your alarm for another fifteen minutes and continue practicing the skills. If you end
up acting on the urge anyway, at least you’ve shown yourself that you can use skills instead of acting
on the urge for fifteen minutes. As you practice, hopefully this will increase to thirty minutes, then
forty-five minutes, and so on.
Of course, there are other things you can do to help prevent yourself from acting on urges: give
your debit card to your partner so you can’t easily withdraw money to gamble, don’t keep junk food in
the house, and so on.
COPING AHEAD
The final distress tolerance skill I’ll cover is the DBT skill called coping ahead (Dimeff & Koerner,
2005). When clients know that an upcoming situation will be emotionally difficult, it can be very
helpful for them to rehearse their plan ahead of time so they’re prepared to cope in a more skillful
way. The following dialogue provides an example:
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Client: So Christmas is coming, and my sister is having it at her house again this year.
Nothing’s changed with her. She still doesn’t like my boyfriend, and because it’s
at her house, I know she’s going to tell me again that I can’t bring Michael.
Therapist: Well Melanie, I know we’ve talked a lot about trying not to go into the future.
But sometimes we can predict how someone is going to behave based on their
previous behavior. And when we’re pretty sure we know we’ll be facing a diffi-
cult situation, it can really help to plan ahead for it. Have you thought about
what you’ll do if your sister invites you for Christmas dinner but tells you
Michael can’t come?
Client: No, I don’t know what I’ll do. I get so triggered by her, and nothing ever
changes.
Therapist: Maybe now is a good time for us to plan ahead what you can do to help you feel
more effective with your sister. Do you want to go to her house for dinner
without Michael? Is it worth it to you to make that sacrifice to see your family?
Client: I think I’ve sacrificed enough over the years. For so long, I’ve done everything
they’ve asked me to. But I’m sick of being the only one to give, give, give. I want
my sister to start respecting me more.
Therapist: Okay, so you aren’t willing to go to Christmas dinner without Michael. If your
sister tells you he can’t come, what do you want to say to her?
Client: I want to tell her that she can’t keep excluding him—that he’s part of my life
and she has to accept that as my decision. I want to tell her that if he can’t come
for dinner, then I won’t be coming either.
Therapist: Okay. That’s a good start, Melanie. Are you willing to not see your family on
Christmas, though?
Client: Well, that would be disappointing, especially because my parents are getting
older and I don’t know how much longer they’ll be around.
Therapist: That’s understandable. So is there a compromise? Remember, it doesn’t have to

be all or nothing. You could tell her you’ll come for an hour before dinner if you
have to come alone, or you could refuse to go to her house without Michael and
instead spend time with your parents on Christmas Eve.
Client: Yeah, that’s a good idea. I’d like to see everyone, and I’d have to bring the pres-
ents over for my sister’s kids anyway, so I could go for a little while before
dinner, without Michael. Then Michael and I could have Christmas dinner
together at my house.
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Therapist: Okay, great. So let’s talk about how you’ll express this decision to your sister if
you need to. Think about your assertiveness skills, and talk to me like I’m Anna.
Client: Okay. Anna, I know you don’t like that I’ve chosen to be with Michael. You’ve
made that clear in the way you continue to exclude him from family gatherings.
But excluding him from the family is disrespectful to Michael and to me. I
would like for you to start working on accepting that he’s part of my life, and if
you want me to be a part of your life, you have to accept Michael as well. If you
insist that he can’t come with me to Christmas dinner, then I’ll come to your
house earlier on Christmas day, but I won’t be staying for dinner. He’s my
partner, and I want to spend Christmas with him as well.
Therapist: Great job, Melanie! Now I want you to picture in your mind how you want this
conversation to go with Anna. Imagine it in as much detail as you can. Maybe
you’re feeling anxious and hurt, but you’re expressing yourself confidently; your
voice is firm, but you’re not yelling; and you’re treating your sister with the
same respect you want from her.
In this way, clients can cope ahead, preparing themselves for upcoming situations so they can
deal with those situations more effectively and skillfully.
WRAPPING UP
In this chapter, you’ve learned about skills that can help clients get through a crisis situation without
making it worse. We looked at the cost-benefit analysis, which assists clients in making decisions
about harmful or self-destructive behaviors. Then we looked at the various ways clients can prevent
themselves from acting on the urge to engage in those self-destructive behaviors using the RESISTT
skills: reframing; distracting by mindfully engaging in an activity, doing something for someone
else, or generating intense sensations; shutting it out; thinking neutral thoughts; and taking a break.
Finally, we looked at coping ahead, in which clients rehearse acting skillfully in difficult situations
before they encounter them. In the next chapter, we’ll look at some information clients need to
know about emotions in order to use specific skills that will be introduced in chapters 10 and 11 to
help them manage their emotions more effectively.
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CHAPTER 9
What Clients Need to

Know about Emotions
Before you can begin teaching clients the specific skills that will help them manage their emotions,
it’s usually helpful to provide some general education about emotions. In this chapter we’ll take a
look at what clients need to know about emotions, including what an emotion is and the functions
emotions serve; the connections between emotions, thoughts, and behaviors; that emotions and
thoughts sometimes happen so quickly and automatically that it can be difficult to be aware of
them; and how being able to name an emotion can be helpful in more effectively managing it.
WHAT IS AN EMOTION?
When I’m working with clients, I try to stay away from the word “feeling” because it implies that
an emotion consists solely of how we feel, when it’s really much more than that. Marsha Linehan
(1993b) refers to an emotion as a full-system response, because it includes not only the way we feel, but
the way we think, which could include images, memories, or urges. In addition, emotions trigger
physiological reactions that cause changes in body chemistry and body language.
Help clients relate to this from their own experience. For example, if a client has problems with
anxiety, say something like “When you experience the emotion of anxiety, what do you notice
other than the feeling?” Most people notice an increase in heart rate or feel their heart beating
harder. They might experience shortness of breath, tightness or pain in the chest, nausea, dizziness,
and so forth. These are the physiological changes. Be sure to help clients identify thoughts that
accompany the experience of anxiety. Perhaps they have thoughts about needing to escape and feel
the need to flee, fear going crazy or making a fool of themselves, and so on. They might also expe-
rience memories of other times when they felt this way. Be sure to help them identify urges; for
DBT Made Simple
example, with anxiety, the urge is often to run, escape the situation, or avoid going into the situa-
tion in the first place.
It’s also important for clients to understand that emotions can manifest differently depending
on the person and situation. Some expressions of emotion are hardwired into us and look the same
no matter where you are on the planet; for example, we cry when we feel sad and frown when we’re
angry. But because each emotion can be accompanied by so many different physiological sensa-
tions, thoughts, and urges, everyone’s experience of any given emotion is somewhat unique. In fact,
the same emotion can even feel different for one person depending on a variety of factors: the
circumstances she’s facing, the people involved, the environment, and so on. For example, imagine
sitting at home watching television and hearing about the earthquake and tsunami in Japan. Most
people would feel grief, sadness, fear, and shock for what the people in Japan were going through.
But if your partner, parent, sibling, friend, or another loved one was in Japan at the time, your grief,
sadness, fear, and shock would manifest at a completely different level because the situation is more
personal. The same emotions would feel different because the circumstances are different.
THE ROLE OF EMOTIONS

Clients often want to get rid of emotions altogether. Their goal in therapy might be to stop feeling
anxious or get rid of anger. It’s important to explain right off the bat that this isn’t a realistic goal—
that all of our emotions are necessary and serve important functions. Even though they can be
incredibly painful at times, they play specific roles and are there for a reason, such as providing
motivation or information and aiding communication. Helping clients understand a bit more about
why we need emotions and don’t want to just toss them out the window brings you one step closer
to teaching them skills to help them manage their emotions.
Motivation
Sometimes the role of an emotion is to prompt us to act (Linehan, 1993b). Anger and fear are
prime examples here: We feel angry when something happens that we don’t like, motivating us to
act to change the situation. Fear motivates us to flee, fight, freeze, or faint in order to survive when
we’re being threatened (Beck, Emery, & Greenberg, 1985). In these situations, emotions not only
motivate us, they also prepare us to act by causing physiological changes in the body; for example,
the adrenaline rush of fear causes blood pressure to increase and muscles to tense up, readying the
body to flee the situation or to stay and fight.
It can be helpful to emphasize to clients that, although anxiety, for example, is uncomfortable,
it’s an emotion that has helped our species survive. What would have happened if our ancestors
never felt fear? They wouldn’t have fled even when a saber-toothed tiger was approaching—a
quality that surely would have led to the extinction of the human race. Even in modern times, fear
serves a purpose. For example, when you’re walking alone in an unfamiliar area, anxiety causes you
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What Clients Need to Know about Emotions
to be more alert and aware of what’s happening around you so you can move more quickly if a
threat arises.
Information
Emotions can also provide information about situations that we want to change in some way to
make them better suit our needs (Campos, Campos, & Barrett, 1989). For example, you might feel
angry because you think there’s something unjust about a situation. Another example is guilt,
which arises to let you know you’ve done something that goes against your morals and values.
It’s important to help clients think of their emotions as a sense, providing important informa-
tion, just like vision, hearing, touch, taste, and smell. Sometimes emotions arise to provide us with
information before the brain has time to process the information it’s receiving from the other
senses (Linehan, 1993b). For example, if you’re walking in the woods and you see something that
looks like a snake, your brain automatically activates fear, starting the fight-or-flight response and
getting you to move away from the danger before your eyes have time to process that what they’re
actually seeing lying in the path ahead of you is a piece of coiled rope. Of course, sometimes this
emotional process kicks into overdrive. An example would be someone with PTSD who is more
sensitive to certain stimuli and responds to them more often than warranted, in which case the
response can become problematic. Overall, though, providing information is an important role of
emotions, and one that has helped our species survive.
Communication
Emotions help people communicate more effectively (Linehan, 1993b), particularly because, as
mentioned, some emotions are hardwired into us and evoke universal facial expressions and body
language. Therefore, we are able to instinctively recognize these emotions in others. For example,
if you’re crying, others would be able to guess that you’re probably feeling sad, or if you’re frown-
ing, others would be able to guess that you’re probably feeling angry. When we recognize how
others feel, we can empathize with them and act in an emotionally appropriate way, such as consol-
ing them when they’re sad. Simply having our emotions recognized is often helpful in and of itself,
as we feel understood and “felt” by another.
THE CONNECTIONS BETWEEN EMOTIONS,

THOUGHTS, AND BEHAVIORS
The following diagram illustrates the connections between emotions, thoughts, and behaviors as
typically described in cognitive behavioral therapy. The idea here is that emotions affect how we
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think and behave in a situation; thoughts influence how we feel and behave in the situation; and
actions have an effect on how we think and feel about that situation.
Emotions
Thoughts Behaviors
Because emotions, thoughts, and behaviors are so intimately connected, it can be easy to
confuse them. For example, when you ask clients how they feel about something, they’ll often
respond by giving you thoughts about it. Some clients find it extremely difficult to move beyond
that thinking part to get to what they’re actually feeling. Another example of this confusion is
clients referring to anger as a bad emotion; generally, this evaluation applies not to the emotion
itself, but to the behaviors that result from feeling angry.
It’s especially easy to get confused about what we think versus what we feel, in part because
emotions and thoughts happen so quickly and automatically that we usually don’t stop to think
about them before we act. However, separating emotions, thoughts, and behaviors is an impor-
tant step in managing emotions more effectively, so make sure clients understand the difference
between them.
When clients are trying to determine how they feel about something, encourage them to begin
by thinking about the six main emotions: anger, fear, sadness, shame or guilt, love, and happiness.
If the emotion doesn’t seem to be described by one of these words, suggest that clients think in
degrees; for example, they might not be afraid, but perhaps they feel anxious, worried, or nervous.
Behavior, of course, is simply how we act—not what we think about doing or what we feel like
doing, but how we actually behave in the situation.
Thoughts are what we think about the situation—but of course it’s not quite that simple.
Make sure clients understand that they usually aren’t having an emotional response to the situa-
tion that’s occurring, but to their interpretation of that event. Sometimes emotions happen in
direct response to an event. The previous example of the coiled rope that you mistook for a snake
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is an example of a situation in which the emotional response is immediate, requiring no interpreta-

tion. But for the most part, the emotions we experience arise in response to our interpretations.
When an event takes place, the mind forms an interpretation of that event, and an emotion arises
in response to that interpretation:
Thoughts Behaviors Emotion
The good news is that practicing skills will help clients become more aware of their emotional
responses and the interpretations that trigger them. Then they can decide whether those interpre-
tations are valid. I’ve provided the worksheet Getting to Know Your Emotions, which can help
clients start working on differentiating between emotions, thoughts, and behaviors. This work-
sheet also helps them get to know how they experience the full-system response of emotions. Feel
free to photocopy the worksheet and use it in your practice.
The worksheet includes the six main emotions, along with two blank spaces in case clients have
other emotions that they’d like to get to know. For each, have the client note how her body
responds physically: Does her heart rate increase? Does she start to tremble or shake? Does she
tense up? What about her body language? Does she clench her fists? What is the expression on her
face? Next, have the client focus on the thoughts that accompany that emotion; for example, does
she tend to get judgmental or to recall other times she’s felt that emotion? Then ask her to think
about what urges come up when she’s experiencing this emotion: whether she wants to lash out,
isolate herself, hurt herself or someone else in some way, and so on. Next, have her describe her
behavior—what she actually does. For example, does she lash out, physically or verbally hurting
herself or others? Finally, help her look at the consequences of the behavior; this can further help
her distinguish between just having the emotion and what she does about it, so it’s important that
she consider the consequences of the way she acted (Linehan, 1993a).
Be sure to explain to the client that she may not be able to fully complete the worksheet at first;
she might need to experience these emotions again while being mindful of her experience to
develop a well-rounded understanding of her experience. Point out that this is fine. There’s no rush;
the goal is to get to know her emotions and how she tends to experience them, and this usually
takes some time and practice.
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GETTING TO KNOW YOUR EMOTIONS

Emotion Body responses Thoughts Urges Behaviors Consequences
(physical (including (what you (what you (impact or
sensations, body memories, feel like doing actually do effect of the
language, facial images, and when you when feeling behavior,
expressions) judgments) experience the the emotion) such as
emotion) self-judgments)
Anger
Happiness
Sadness
Fear
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Emotion Body Responses Thoughts Urges Behaviors Consequences

(physical (including (what you (what you (impact or
sensations, body memories, feel like doing actually do effect of the
language, facial images, and when you when feeling behavior,
expressions) judgments) experience the the emotion) such as
emotion) self-judgments)
Love
Shame or
guilt
Other:
Other:
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EMOTIONS AND AUTOMATIC THOUGHTS

Another concept that’s relevant here, and one that can also help clients see why they might have
a hard time differentiating between thoughts and emotions, is the concept of automatic thoughts
(Beck, 1976). CBT theorist Aaron Beck noted that we have a constant dialogue running through
our minds about whatever we’re experiencing: what our senses are telling us, how we feel physi-
cally and emotionally, and so on. According to Beck (1976), these automatic thoughts largely
determine how we feel about a situation, and both the thoughts and the feelings they evoke influ-
ence how we behave.
The biggest problem with automatic thoughts is that they happen so automatically that they
are almost unconscious; often we aren’t even aware that they’re occurring. Because they arise so
quickly and almost reflexively, and yet are so realistic and believable (Beck, 1976), we usually don’t
stop to question them and instead act as though they’re facts.
However, if clients are to manage their emotions more effectively, they must understand that
thoughts, and the emotions they evoke, are not facts; rather, they’re just a reflection of a person’s
experience of a situation. Just because a client thinks something doesn’t mean it’s a fact; for example,
just because a client thinks it’s impossible to change a behavior doesn’t mean it really is impossible.
Likewise, just because something feels a certain way doesn’t mean it’s the truth. For example, just
because a client feels hopeless doesn’t mean the situation is hopeless.
Here’s an example of how this might be conveyed in session:
Therapist: So you were having an argument with your boyfriend. Can you tell me more
about what happened?
Client: We had talked about getting together after I finished work at 10:00 p.m. I texted
him at about nine thirty to let him know we were busy and I was going to be
finished a bit late, and he didn’t text me back.
Therapist: Okay. What happened next?
Client: I got really angry with him. We haven’t seen much of each other since I started
working. He knew how important it was to me to get together, and he didn’t
even bother messaging me back.
Therapist: Were you able to think about the reasons why he may not have been able to get
back to you?
Client: No. He’s always got his cell phone with him. All I could think was He knew how
much I wanted to spend time together, and he can’t be bothered; I obviously don’t mean that much
to him.
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Therapist: I can understand, Jessica, how that might be one place your mind goes given
the problems you’ve had with relationships in the past. But sitting here right
now, can you see that there might be other explanations for why he didn’t get
back to you?
Client: No! Like I said, he always has his cell phone, so he obviously just decided not
to bother.
Therapist: Okay. Let’s pause here for a second and put this in a different context. Let’s
pretend you were trying to contact me, not Scott. Say you send me a text about
our appointment this week, and I don’t get back to your right away. What
would you think?
Client: Well, I know you’re often busy and can’t get back to me right away.
Therapist: Good. What else might you think? Let’s say a day or two passes and you still
don’t hear from me.
Client: Well, I would probably try again because I know it’s not like you to not get back
to me. I might think that you didn’t get the message. Maybe you were having
problems with your phone or something.
Therapist: Okay, great. Can you think of anything else that might prevent me from getting
back to you?
Client: Um, I’m not sure. Maybe that you were dealing with some kind of
emergency?
Therapist: Okay, great! So maybe I didn’t get the message, maybe I was having problems
with my phone, maybe I was dealing with an emergency. Do you think that any
of these reasons could apply to Scott?
Client: (Pauses to think.) I suppose so.
Therapist: Okay, so why do you think you have such a hard time believing Scott had a
problem with his phone or some kind of emergency?
Client: I guess because I don’t feel like he cares about me the way I care about him.
Therapist: Okay Jessica, this is great. Do you see how this automatic thought triggered the
anger in you and prevented you from really seeing the situation? Scott didn’t
return your text, and for you that turned into He doesn’t care about me. I’m not
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saying you’re wrong; I don’t know how he feels about you. But you jumped to
conclusions. And again, we can see where this comes from, but do you under-
stand how harmful this can be to your relationship in the long run? Making
these kinds of assumptions regularly could lead to the end of the relationship.
They could become a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Client: Yeah. He was trying to talk to me about what happened, and I was so angry I
wouldn’t even let him tell me what happened. I guess I’d better call him and
apologize for making assumptions.
You can see from this dialogue that validation is important. The goal isn’t simply to point out
to clients that their thinking is incorrect; it’s also important to assist them in understanding where
their thinking comes from, that there are patterns that can be identified and even understood,
although they may no longer be helpful. While you don’t want clients to judge their emotions
(something I’ll discuss in chapter 10), they do need to be able to evaluate their behavior to deter-
mine whether it’s helping them move toward their goals.
NAMING EMOTIONS
Some people are more adept at labeling their emotions than others. I’m sure you’ve had a client at
some point who just couldn’t seem to name what she was feeling. She might have said she felt bad
or upset, but pinning her down as to what that really meant was challenging. Many people walk
around in this kind of emotional fog. Unfortunately, if you don’t know what you’re feeling, you can’t
do much to change it. People who can name their emotions are more capable of managing them, so
it’s important for clients to become more familiar with their emotions and learn to identify them.
Start by encouraging clients to stop using words like “bad” or “upset” to describe how they’re
feeling. These are very generic words that don’t describe a specific emotion. When a client says
she’s “upset,” what does she really mean? It could mean she’s sad, anxious, angry, or a variety of
other things. So when clients use such vague language, ask them to be more specific. For some
clients, it’s easier if you outline the six general categories mentioned previously: anger, fear, sadness,
shame or guilt, love, and happiness. Start with these six general emotions, and again, if none seem
to fit, help clients think about levels of each emotion. A client might not be angry, but maybe she’s
irritated or frustrated.
I’ve provided a handout that lists the names of emotions. Give it to clients and go through it
with them to make sure they understand what each word means. Then, anytime a client is unable
to identify an emotion she’s experiencing, have her refer to the list. Reading through it, she should
be able to find a word that closely describes the emotion she’s feeling.
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EMOTIONS LIST
ANGER HAPPINESS SADNESS
Aggravated Amused Abandoned
Aggressive Blissful Anguished
Agitated Calm Cheerless
Annoyed Charmed Defeated
Betrayed Cheerful Dejected
Bitter Comfortable Depressed
Bothered Confident Despairing
Combative Content Despondent
Cross Delighted Disheartened
Distrustful Eager Distressed
Disapproving Ecstatic Disturbed
Disgusted Elated Dreary
Displeased Euphoric Dull
Dissatisfied Excited Forlorn
Disturbed Exhilarated Gloomy
Enraged Exuberant Glum
Exasperated Fulfilled Grieving
Frustrated Glad Heartbroken
Fuming Grateful Helpless
Furious Honored Hopeless
Hateful Hopeful Inadequate
Hostile Inspired Lonely
Hurt Jovial Low
Ignored Joyful Melancholy
Impatient Jubilant Miserable
Incensed Overjoyed Mournful
Indignant Pleasant Negative
Infuriated Pleased Pained
Irate Proud Pessimistic
Irritated Relaxed Powerless
Jealous Relieved Regretful
Livid Satisfied Remorseful
Mad Serene Sad
Obstinate Thankful Somber
Offended Thrilled Sorrowful
Outraged Tranquil Troubled
Rejected Triumphant Unhappy
Resentful Woeful
Vicious Worthless
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FEAR LOVE SHAME OR GUILT

Afraid Accepted Apologetic
Alarmed Adoring Ashamed
Anxious Affectionate Awkward
Apprehensive Alive Blamed
Bothered Amorous Contrite
Concerned Appreciative Degraded
Disconcerted Ardent Disgraced
Distraught Aroused Dishonored
Distressed Attracted Embarrassed
Disturbed Besotted Foolish
Edgy Caring Forlorn
Fearful Cherishing Guilty
Frantic Committed Humiliated
Frazzled Complete Inferior
Fretful Connected Mortified
Frightened Desirous Penitent
Jittery Devoted Pitiful
Jumpy Entranced Regretful
Nervous Fond Rejected
Overwhelmed Infatuated Remorseful
Overwrought Intimate Repentant
Panicked Kind Rueful
Perturbed Liking Self-conscious
Petrified Longing Sorry
Restless Lovable Uncomfortable
Scared Love-struck Vulnerable
Startled Loving Wretched
Stressed Lust
Tense Passionate
Terrified Romantic
Threatened Sensual
Troubled Smitten
Uncertain Tender
Uncomfortable Worshipful
Uneasy Yearning
Unsettled
Unsure
Uptight
Worried
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In the list above, shame and guilt are included under the same heading because the experience
of these emotions is usually the same. The difference is that we experience shame when we feel
other people are judging us for what we have done, whereas we feel guilt when we judge ourselves
for what we’ve done. Quite often, we may feel these emotions together.
Once clients are more capable of naming their emotions, they’ll have more choices in terms of
what to do about an emotion if it’s uncomfortable and they would prefer to at least reduce its inten-
sity. Keep in mind that many clients with emotion dysregulation grow up without learning this
important information, so for some people it takes a lot of time to get the hang of naming their
emotions. Be patient. If you start to get frustrated, or if a client does, reframe this process as
helping the client learn a new language. In fact, that’s exactly what’s happening: you’re helping the
client learn the language of emotion.
WRAPPING UP
In this chapter you’ve learned key information that clients need to know in order to learn and utilize
the specific skills that will help them regulate their emotions. In the next two chapters, we get to
the meat of the matter: teaching clients skills to help them regulate their emotions. As you read on,
remember that everyone is different and that DBT is flexible, so you won’t necessarily have to teach
every client all of the skills. Once you get more comfortable with this approach, you’ll be able to
pick and choose the skills that you think will be most helpful for a given client.
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C H A P T E R 10
Skills to Help Clients

Regulate Emotions:
Reducing Painful Emotions
Up to this point, part 2 of this book has looked at skills that, in one way or another, are related to
emotion regulation. When clients are practicing mindfulness, for example, they’ll have more aware-
ness of their emotions, increasing their ability to manage them. Noticing what thinking style they’re
using will help them see when they’re acting from their emotions and allow them to choose how to
act rather than simply reacting. Practicing distress tolerance skills when they’re in a crisis situation
will help them refrain from engaging in behaviors that will make their situation worse, which again
will give them a greater ability to manage their emotions and keep them at a more tolerable level.
In this and the next chapter, we’ll be looking at skills more specific to managing emotions more
effectively. In this chapter, we’ll look at skills to help clients reduce their painful emotions and make
them more bearable. Then, in chapter 11, we’ll look at skills that will help them generate more posi-
tive emotions. Throughout both chapters (and chapter 12 as well), continue to keep in mind that
these skills will be much easier for you to teach if you practice them yourself, so think about how
you can implement these skills in your own life to increase your effectiveness.
USING MINDFULNESS TO REDUCE

EMOTIONAL PAIN
In chapter 5, we took an in-depth look at mindfulness and how it can be helpful in a variety of
ways. One benefit, of course, is increasing awareness of emotions, which results in an increased
DBT Made Simple
ability to choose how to act rather than simply reacting. Let’s take a closer look at some specific
targets of mindfulness of emotions and how they can help clients regulate their emotions.
Specifically, let’s focus on what the skill of being mindful of an emotion means, for both painful
and positive emotions.
Being Mindful of Painful Emotions

With painful emotions, mindfulness entails accepting them as they are and not trying to get rid
of them or push them away. Being mindful of painful emotions means seeing them for what they
are—a part of life—without judging them or judging yourself for having them. (I’ll discuss such
judgments further in the section on self-validation.) This doesn’t preclude trying to do something
to change an emotion or reduce its intensity; it simply means doing so in an accepting, rather than
judgmental, way.
A number of studies have found that, although it is sometimes possible to successfully suppress
emotionally expressive behavior, doing so also has the effect of reducing the subjective experience
of positive emotions (Fairholme, Boisseau, Ellard, Ehrenreich, & Barlow, 2010). Therefore, clients
who regularly work to not feel their painful emotions may indeed be able to somewhat reduce the
amount of pain they experience, but this comes at the cost of not feeling positive emotions as
strongly either. Similarly, Bloch, Moran, and Kring (2010) reported that people who regularly use
suppression as a means of trying to cope with painful emotions experience fewer positive emotions,
more depressive symptoms, and less satisfaction with life in general.
Being Mindful of Positive Emotions

With positive emotions, mindfulness also entails accepting them as they are and, in this case,
not trying to cling to them. Being mindful of positive emotions means enjoying them while they
last, rather than worrying about whether you deserve to feel this way. Instead of being mindful of
positive emotions, many people worry about when the feeling will end. An example would be a
person who thinks, Sure, I feel good now, while my family is visiting, but as soon as they leave I’m going to be miserable
again. Rather than enjoying positive feelings, this person creates an imaginary future in which he’s
feeling miserable.
Practicing Mindfulness of Emotions

Being mindful of emotions involves focusing your attention on whatever emotion happens to
be present at the time, not judging it, and bringing your attention back to the present moment
when you notice you’ve wandered. Again, this means not trying to suppress or avoid emotional
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Skills to Help Clients Regulate Emotions: Reducing Painful Emotions
pain and not trying to hang on to pleasant emotions; rather, you simply accept whatever is there in
each moment.
To help clients with this skill, have them think of an emotion as a wave: It will build and peak,
but then it subsides and fades away again. It might build and peak again, but an emotion, just like a
wave, always subsides; it’s not possible for it to endure indefinitely. However, many clients don’t
understand this because they do so much to try to get rid of painful emotions that they never give
them a chance to subside. Mindfulness will help them learn this as they simply sit with emotions
without judging them or trying to push them away. As they allow emotions to simply be, they’ll
experience how emotions naturally subside.
SELF-VALIDATION
Let’s take a closer look at accepting emotions. This is the DBT skill known as self-validation
(Linehan, 1993b).
How often do you hear clients judging their emotions or judging themselves for experiencing
those emotions? One of the major consequences of growing up in a pervasively invalidating envi-
ronment is that it makes people think they can’t trust their own experience, that they are incapable
of solving the problems life presents, and that they are defective or flawed in some way. In other
words, they regularly invalidate themselves, judging themselves for their emotions and thinking of
themselves as incapable and worthless. Therefore, as I’ve mentioned throughout this book, in
therapy a lot of time and effort must be devoted to validating clients and gradually helping them
learn to validate themselves.
Because of their history, many clients with emotion dysregulation find the skill of self-validation
especially difficult; however, it is especially important for them. One of the principal ways of teach-
ing clients this skill is modeling it: providing lots of validation in session, especially at the beginning
of therapy, until clients are more proficient at doing this for themselves. But before I get into the
specifics of how to practice self-validation—and before clients can learn this skill—there’s some
important information about emotions that both you and your clients need to know: how we learn
about emotions, and the difference between primary and secondary emotions.
Messages about Emotions

The first thing both therapist and client need to understand is that everyone receives messages
about emotions: from the family they grew up in and the peers who surrounded them as they
developed, in the important relationships they have as adults, and from society in general. For
example, as they are growing up, many people learn that anger is a bad emotion. Maybe they had
a father who was prone to explosive rage, so they learned anger was bad because of his behavior.
Perhaps no one in their family expressed anger, sending the message that it isn’t appropriate to feel
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angry. Alternatively, they might have received quite straightforward verbal communication about
emotions, such as, “What’s wrong with you? You shouldn’t be angry. It’s not nice!”
It can be very helpful for clients if you take some time to help them think about the messages
they’ve received about emotions throughout life. What emotions are okay to have? Which ones
shouldn’t be felt? In the course of this discussion, remember to point out that you’re talking
about emotions, not behaviors; as mentioned, people often have difficulty distinguishing between
these two.
It’s also important to point out to clients that this isn’t about blaming others for their emotional
problems. Explain that their parents also received messages about emotions that influenced their
ability to validate their own emotions, and so on. That said, once clients can identify where their
patterns came from, it often makes it easier for them to change.
Primary and Secondary Emotions

The other key point relevant to the skill of self-validation is that there are two types of emo-
tions: primary emotions and secondary emotions.
Primary emotions are those we experience in response to our interpretations of events. As men-
tioned in chapter 9, more often than not we don’t experience emotions in direct relation to a situ-
ation; they arise in response to our interpretation of the situation. Say a friend calls you to cancel a
dinner date for that night. You get annoyed not in response to the situation itself, but as a result of
your interpretation: She should have given me more notice so I could have made other plans. Although it’s based
on an interpretation, annoyance is your primary emotion.
Secondary emotions are essentially the way you feel about your feelings. In other words, when you
get annoyed at your friend for canceling dinner, if you judge yourself for that, you might end up
feeling guilty and angry at yourself for feeling annoyed at your friend. The guilt and anger at your-
self are your secondary emotions, which arise in response to judgments about your primary
emotion. If you’ve grown up thinking that it’s not right to be angry (annoyance being a form of
anger), when you feel annoyed you’re likely to judge yourself, triggering guilt and anger at
yourself.
Practicing Self-Validation
With that background established, let’s look at how to practice the skill of self-validation. At
bare minimum, validating an emotion means not judging the emotion and not judging oneself for
feeling the emotion. Edith Weisskopf-Joelson, a professor of psychology at the University of
Georgia, wrote that society puts so much stress on the fact that people should be happy that
unhappiness has come to be seen as a symptom of maladjustment. She said, “Such a value system
might be responsible for the fact that the burden of unavoidable unhappiness is increased by
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unhappiness about being unhappy” (1955, p. 702). In other words, when we judge ourselves by
thinking we should be feeling happy, this exacerbates our unhappiness. This is self-invalidation.
Self-validation, on the other hand, is about acceptance. When you can, at the very least, not
judge your emotional experience—for example, just acknowledging that you feel unhappy rather
than judging yourself for feeling that way—you don’t trigger extra emotional pain for yourself.
That leaves room to access your wise self and see if there’s something you can do to reduce the
primary emotion, assuming it’s an emotion you don’t want to continue having. For instance, in
the above scenario, maybe you need to ask your friend why she didn’t give you more notice when
she canceled dinner. If she tells you that her grandmother is in the hospital, your annoyance will
probably subside. If she tells you that someone asked her out on a date, you might want to tell
her that you would have preferred more notice so you could have made other plans. This will help
you validate your annoyance. Plus, when you assert yourself and feel heard, painful emotions will
often diminish.
Levels of Self-Validation
To make the concept of self-validating a little easier for clients, I break it down into three levels:
1. Acknowledging: The most basic level of self-validation is simply acknowledging the

presence of the emotion rather than judging it; for example, telling yourself, I feel unhappy.
Just acknowledging or naming the emotion and putting a period on the end of the sen-
tence rather than going down the road of judging it validates the emotion.
2. Allowing: The second level of self-validation is allowing, which is essentially giving

yourself permission to feel the feeling; for example, telling yourself, It’s okay that I feel
unhappy. This takes not judging the feeling one step further, affirming that it’s okay to
feel this way. This doesn’t mean liking the feeling or wanting it to hang around; it just
means acknowledging that you’re allowed to feel the emotion.
3. Understanding: The highest (and hardest) level of self-validation is understanding.

This level, which goes beyond not judging the emotion and saying it’s okay to feel it,
involves having an understanding of it; for example, It makes sense that I feel unhappy, given the
difficulties I have managing my emotions and the chaos this causes in my relationships and my life.
Most clients with emotion dysregulation have a lifelong pattern of invalidating themselves, so,
again, it makes sense that this is typically a very challenging skill for them. It’s likely that they’ll
start out self-validating most emotions at the first level—acknowledging the emotion—and that
even this will be difficult for many of them. But over time, they’ll be able to move on to the next
level, and then the next. It’s also natural for people to move at a different pace with different emo-
tions. Some emotions will be easier to validate than others.
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It’s often helpful to have clients write a list of validating statements that they can read when
they notice that they’re invalidating themselves. Recently, I was working with a client who has BPD
and regularly thinks I’m going to abandon her. When these fears of abandonment come up, she
regularly invalidates herself with self-talk like, It’s ridiculous; I should be able to manage this better by now or
I’m a grown woman. I shouldn’t still be feeling this way. Why can’t I get over this? I helped her start a list of self-
validating statements to use when these feelings arose. Here are some examples of what we came
up with:
UÊ I’m feeling anxious about Sheri leaving me. (level 1)
UÊ It’s okay that I’m feeling this way. (level 2)

UÊ I’m worrying that Sheri will leave me. It’s uncomfortable, but it is what it is. (level 2)
UÊ It makes sense that I get anxious about Sheri leaving me because of the relationships I’ve lost throughout my
life. (level 3)
UÊ It makes sense that I get anxious about people leaving me because of the abuse and neglect I experienced as a
child. (level 3)
Start working on a list of self-validating statements with clients in session and then have them
continue working on it for homework. At the next session, review the list to see what they’ve been
able to add, if anything. Many clients find this difficult to do on their own, but hopefully they’re
able to come up with one or two additional statements. Have clients carry this list with them so
they can read the statements whenever they notice that they’re invalidating their emotions. In this
way, over time they’ll be able to change the way they speak to themselves about how they’re
feeling, rather than just falling back into old, familiar patterns of negative self-talk and judgments.
ACCEPTING REALITY
I’ve discussed acceptance as part of mindfulness and the importance of accepting emotions. In
DBT, we also emphasize the need to work on accepting reality in general (Linehan, 1993b). It’s
natural that we try to fight things or push them away when they’re painful. While this is under-
standable, it’s not very effective; in fact, it actually works against us most of the time. When we try
to suppress painful experiences or fight reality by saying things like It’s not fair or It shouldn’t be this way,
the same thing happens as when we try to suppress painful emotions: we end up generating more
pain for ourselves (Linehan, 1993b).
Fighting reality causes suffering. This isn’t to say that we shouldn’t have emotions about diffi-
cult situations. But when we fight reality, this increases the amount of unnecessary emotional pain we
experience, which creates suffering. Pain is unavoidable in life; suffering isn’t. By accepting the pain
in life, we actually decrease the amount of suffering we experience.
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What Acceptance Is Not

A lot of people have a hard time with the skill of acceptance simply because of the word “accep-
tance.” It’s important to clarify with clients right off the bat that, in this context, acceptance has
nothing to do with approval or being okay with something. Rather, in DBT acceptance is nonjudg-
mental. Therefore, accepting something doesn’t mean you’re saying it’s good or bad; it means
you’re simply acknowledging reality as it is. Tara Brach (2003, p. 4) describes acceptance as “the
willingness to experience ourselves and our life as it is.”
Usually, clients need an example here. Keep it concrete and simple. I often reference the carpet
in the group room that I use, which is an unpleasant shade of beige. I tell clients that I don’t like the
color of the carpet, but that I have to acknowledge the reality that the carpet is that color; in other
words, I have to accept it. After all, how can I do otherwise? This is what we mean by acceptance
in DBT.
In fact, accepting reality is the shift that must take place to open the door to genuine and per-
manent change (Brach, 2003). You can’t change something unless you have first accepted it. Think
about it: If clients are constantly fighting the reality of a situation (for example, the reality that they
have difficulties managing their emotions), they won’t be doing the things that will help them with
this problem, such as learning DBT skills. Instead, they’ll be spending a lot of time and energy
fighting the reality and essentially trying to pretend it doesn’t exist. Once they arrive at accep-
tance, they can spend that time and energy doing something to improve their situation.
It’s also usually helpful to emphasize to clients that, just as with other DBT skills, they don’t
practice acceptance for others. Many clients confuse the idea of acceptance with forgiveness, but
the point isn’t to accept a reality in order to put someone else’s mind at ease. Acceptance is simply
about whether or not they want to continue spending so much energy and having so many painful
emotions about things that are out of their control. They can’t control what’s happened in the past.
If the reality they’re trying to accept is something in the present that they do have some control
over, then they need to first accept the situation, and then exercise some control to try to change
the situation. Continuing to fight reality, on the other hand, is just exhausting and doesn’t actually
accomplish anything.
Like many other DBT skills, accepting reality isn’t easy, but there are a few things you can
teach clients to help them with this. First, the more painful a situation is, the more difficult it will
be to accept, and the longer it will usually take. Acceptance isn’t a skill that can be mastered over-
night, even at the best of times. In addition, they may find that they get to the point of acceptance
with a situation and then something triggers them to start fighting reality again. For example, I
worked with a woman whose husband had an affair a number of years ago. She told me that they
had gotten through it—that she had accepted it and things had improved tremendously in their
marriage. But then a young woman moved in next door, and she reminded my client of the person
her husband had the affair with. My client started feeling angry more often, but she quickly real-
ized that seeing this young woman was triggering her to not accept her husband’s past infidelities,
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and that this was what was causing her anger. So once again she started working on accepting the
reality of her husband’s affair.
Because it can take a lot of time and energy to get to acceptance, you might find that you and
your clients get frustrated with it. When this happens, think of it in this way: When you’re working
on accepting a painful reality, you may find that you can only accept it for about thirty seconds
each day. But even when this is the case, you’ve just had thirty seconds less suffering, and gradually
that time will increase to thirty minutes, then three hours, and so on.
It can also be helpful to ask clients to recall a previous painful situation that they were eventu-
ally able to accept (for example, the death of a loved one or not getting a desirable job). Most
people have experienced difficult situations that they later naturally came to accept. Once clients
bring to mind a situation that was painful but they were eventually able to accept, have them recall
what it felt like once they could accept it versus when they were still fighting it. Most people say
that they felt a sense of relief or felt “lighter,” or that the situation had less power over them, so they
spent less time thinking about it—and when they did think about it, it didn’t have the same degree
of emotional pain attached to it anymore. Remembering how their pain diminished once they
achieved acceptance can help motivate clients to continue working on acceptance even when it’s
extremely hard.
How to Practice Accepting Reality

The old saying “Time heals all wounds” is often true. But with acceptance, there’s no need to
endure for an indeterminate amount of time. Acceptance is something clients can consciously do
to help expedite the healing process. So how, exactly, can a client get to acceptance? Here are the
four basic steps:
1. First, the client needs to decide if this is a situation he wants to accept. Remember, just
because you think or know a skill will be helpful for a client, he won’t get anywhere if
he doesn’t buy into it.
2. If the client decides to work on acceptance, the second step is to help him make a com-
mitment to himself to accept whatever reality he’s fighting. Basically, he needs to
promise himself that, starting now, he’s going to do his best to accept the situation. Of
course, it’s likely that he will soon find himself fighting reality again, thinking about
how unfair it is, judging the situation, and so on.
3. The third step is for the client to notice when he starts fighting reality again.
4. The final step is for the client to turn his mind back to acceptance (Linehan, 1993b). I
think of the practice of accepting reality as one of those internal arguments we often
have with ourselves and explain it like this: “You make the decision to accept a reality,
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and you make the commitment to yourself that, as of that moment, you’re working on
accepting this situation. A few seconds later, though, you may be saying to yourself,
Why on earth should I accept it? It’s not fair! As soon as you notice that you’ve gone back to
fighting reality, turn your mind back to acceptance and remind yourself of your com-
mitment. You may need to turn your mind back to acceptance over and over again in
the course of just a few minutes.”
I find that clients often have a lot of difficulties with this skill. Here are some of their most
common questions or concerns about acceptance, along with suggestions for how to respond.
“DOESN’T ACCEPTING REALITY MEAN I’M GIVING UP

OR BEING PASSIVE?”
In regard to current situations, clients often think that accepting the situation means not trying
to do anything to change it (Linehan, 1993b). This is not the case. Acceptance simply means giving
up the suffering they have been experiencing because of fighting the reality of the situation.
Stopping the fight doesn’t mean stopping efforts to try to solve the problem. Accepting reality is
the shift that has to happen to make way for change. Encourage clients to remember that they can’t
change something until they first accept the reality of what is. Once they are no longer fighting
reality, this frees up energy that they can put into solving the problem.
“HOW CAN I ACCEPT THAT I WILL BE ALONE

FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE?”
Sometimes clients try to accept things that haven’t happened yet. For instance, one client I
worked with had been in a few long-term relationships since her divorce, but none that lasted. At
the age of forty-nine, she was frustrated and lonely. One day she told me that she was trying to
accept that she would be alone for the rest of her life. My response was that you can’t accept things
that haven’t happened yet! This skill is about accepting reality, and the future isn’t reality yet. We
can’t possibly know what the future holds. Besides, most people have enough things in the past and
the present to work on accepting. Why on earth would anyone want to spend energy trying to
accept possible realities that might arise in the future?
With this client, I suggested that if being alone was a reality she was fighting, she needed to
accept that at the present time she was without a partner. I pointed out that working on accepting this
would probably be difficult enough and recommended that she not add the pressure and pain of
trying to accept that she was fated to feel so sad and lonely for the rest of her life. The bottom line
is this: clients who are regularly worrying about the future need to focus on practicing not accep-
tance, but mindfulness, since mindfulness is about living in the present moment, not the future.
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“HOW CAN I ACCEPT THAT I’M A BAD PERSON?”

One day in a group session, a client asked how he could accept that he was a bad person. I
pointed out that just as we can’t accept the future, we also can’t accept judgments because they
aren’t facts. Judgments aren’t reality, they are perceptions of reality. Then I asked this client to
describe why he thought he was a bad person. He had a list of things he was doing and had done
in the past that in his mind were bad, such as being addicted to drugs and alcohol and lashing out
at people who were trying to help him. I explained that these were the realities he needed to work
on accepting.
“SOME THINGS IN LIFE ARE JUST TOO AWFUL TO ACCEPT.”

Often people have difficulties with accepting reality because the situation is so painful that
they don’t want to accept it. For clients in this situation, help them see what’s stopping them from
trying to accept the reality. I find this is often a problem with people who have experienced some
kind of abuse. They tell me they can’t even think about accepting something so awful. The first
thing I look at when this is a problem is forgiveness: Remind such clients that they are practicing
acceptance for themselves, not for anyone else. This isn’t about forgiveness and has nothing to do
with anyone else. If clients are working on this skill because they feel obligated to (for example,
because a family member tells them they need to let something go), it’s not going to work.
That said, some clients who are trying to accept reality for themselves will still run into this
obstacle, thinking the reality is just too awful to accept. In this case, take a closer look at the
thoughts they have about what it means to accept the situation. Sometimes it goes back to a confu-
sion of language. They might still be thinking acceptance means they approve of the situation or
are okay with what happened.
Other times, people feel as though the situation was just so painful that they can’t go there.
Unfortunately, they’re going there whether they want to or not. When we can’t accept something,
the mind has an unfortunate tendency to bring us back there over and over again. Remind such
clients that, over time, acceptance will actually help them think about the situation less often, and
that when they do think about it, the situation will have less power over them, triggering fewer
emotions and with less intensity.
ACTING OPPOSITE TO URGES

The last skill we’ll look at for reducing painful emotions is acting opposite to urges. As discussed,
emotions often have urges attached to them; for example, anger often leads to an urge to attack,
whether verbally or physically. Quite often, people make no effort to not act on these urges because
the behavior simply feels like the right thing to do. From the perspective of the wise self, however,
people can see that it isn’t in their best interests to act on these urges, such as avoiding social
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situations because of anxiety, isolating themselves when they’re feeling depressed, or yelling at
their boss when they feel they’ve been treated unfairly.
Interestingly, researchers have found that acting on urges related to an emotion actually
strengthens that emotion (Niedenthal, 2007). So if you act on the urge to verbally or physically
attack someone you’re angry with, for example, you actually strengthen your anger. In addition,
because acting in this way probably isn’t consistent with your morals and values, doing so can
trigger additional emotions, such as guilt and regret when you later judge yourself for the way you
behaved. It makes sense, therefore, that not acting on the urges that accompany an emotion will, at
the very least, not make the emotion stronger. In fact, according to Linehan (1993b), acting oppo-
site to those urges can help reduce the intensity of the emotion.
The following table outlines the urges that are usually attached to four painful emotions, along
with potential actions that would be opposite those urges. I haven’t included positive emotions
because, for the most part, acting on urges associated with positive emotions, such as happiness,
doesn’t usually cause problems.
Emotion Urge Opposite action

Anger To attack verbally or physically To leave the situation if possible or
act civilly or politely, rather than
making things worse
Sadness To withdraw from people and To approach people and ask for
isolate yourself support
Anxiety To avoid the anxiety-provoking To remain in the anxiety-provoking
situation by leaving it and avoiding situation and place yourself in that
similar situations in the future situation again in the future
Shame or guilt To withdraw and hide from others To approach others, and when
shame or guilt isn’t justified, to
continue the activity that triggers
those feelings
Once an emotion has done its job, it often gets in the way of being able to act effectively. If we
can act opposite to the urge elicited by the emotion and thereby reduce its intensity, we can prob-
ably respond more effectively. Let’s look at this with an example of anxiety. Vicki was attacked by
a dog when she was a child. Understandably, after the attack she was terrified of dogs, and this fear
continued into adulthood. When she moved into a new neighborhood at the age of thirty-three,
Vicki was unhappy to discover that there was a dog park just down the street and people often
walked past her house with their dogs to get there. Her anxiety remained high, and not only did
she stop going for walks, which she had enjoyed, she also stopped going out of the house by herself,
fearing that she would be attacked.
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Vicki’s anxiety has served its purpose: it protected her when she was a child, and it continues
to motivate her to protect herself. But her anxiety is now getting in the way. It has alerted her to
the possible threat, but because she continues to avoid the situation, she isn’t learning that the
threat is minimal or nonexistent; rather, the anxiety remains at such a high level that Vicki is having
difficulties functioning. However, if she can act opposite the urge to avoid, she can reduce the
anxiety as her brain learns there’s nothing to be anxious about. This will allow her to function more
effectively.
Help clients identify the urges attached to the emotions they’re experiencing, and then offer
guidance in doing the opposite. Clients often find it helpful to write down some details about their
experience to help them analyze it from their wise self. I’ve provided an Acting Opposite to Urges
Worksheet, which can help clients assess their use of this skill, along with an example. Feel free to
photocopy the blank form and use it in your practice. Have clients start by describing the situation
in the left-hand column. The rest of the columns guide them through noting what emotion they
experienced, what urge was attached to the emotion, what behavior they actually engaged in, and
what the aftereffects were (the consequences of the behavior). This worksheet is a great way for
you and your clients to monitor their use of this skill and will allow them to see how helpful it is in
reaching their goals.
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SAMPLE ACTING OPPOSITE TO URGES WORKSHEET
Situation Emotion Action urges Action taken Aftereffects
(event that (emotion (urges attached to the (what you actually did) (consequences of the
prompted the experienced) emotion) behavior, such as intensity
emotion) of emotions, regrets,
or whether your needs
were met)
I decided Guilt Get out of the bath and do Made myself stay in the bath for My guilt gradually went down. I met
to practice something productive. the full twenty minutes I had my goal of practicing self-soothing,
self-soothing by given myself. which I know is in my best interests
taking a hot bath. in the long run. I have no regrets.
Someone cut me Rage Follow the car until it stops, get Followed the car to a gas station, Got even more enraged because he
off while I was out, and give the driver a piece of got out, and yelled at the driver. denied cutting me off. The worker
driving. my mind. at the gas station came out and
threatened to call the police. Later
I was embarrassed and realized I
could have gotten into big trouble.
I also realized my behavior didn’t
actually help in any way. I ended up
feeling worse.
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ACTING OPPOSITE TO URGES WORKSHEET
Situation Emotion Action urges Action taken Aftereffects
(event that (emotion (urges attached to the (what you actually did) (consequences of the
DBT Made Simple
prompted the experienced) emotion) behavior, such as intensity

emotion) of emotions, regrets,
or whether your needs
were met)
WATCH YOUR EMOTIONS

Clients often try to avoid their emotions because they find them too painful. Remember the
analogy of the third-degree burn victim: clients who haven’t learned how to regulate their emotions
are in a lot of pain, and they don’t have the skills to manage and tolerate their emotions. You can
use the acronym WATCH to help such clients summarize the skills in this chapter—skills that will
help them reduce their avoidance of emotions and improve their ability to manage emotions:
Watch: Watch your emotions. Mentally note your experience of an emotion, acknowledging
how it feels physically, the thoughts, memories, or images that accompany it, and so on.
Avoid acting: Don’t act immediately. Remember that it’s just an emotion, not a fact, and that
you don’t necessarily need to do anything about it.
Think: Think of your emotion as a wave. Remember that it will recede naturally if you don’t
try to push it away.
Choose: Choose to let yourself experience the emotion. Remind yourself that not avoiding
the emotion is in your best interests and will help you work toward your long-term goals.
Helpers: Remember that emotions are helpers. They all serve a purpose and arise to tell you
something important. Let them do their job!
WRAPPING UP
This chapter covered a lot of skills to help clients reduce the amount of emotional pain they experi-
ence. As you continue working with clients to help them learn these skills, remember to use a lot of
validation and encouragement. It makes sense that they didn’t learn these skills, given that they
probably grew up in a chaotic environment, that their parents didn’t know these skills themselves
or had a mental illness or addiction, and so on. Also remember that your clients are constantly
looking to you for guidance. Model these skills for them as much as you can by using the skills in
session and in your life. The next chapter will continue to look at skills that help clients regulate
their emotions, shifting the focus to increasing positive emotions.
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C H A P T E R 11
Skills to Help Clients

Regulate Emotions:
Increasing Positive Emotions
The previous chapter looked at emotion regulation skills focused on reducing painful emotions.
This chapter is about something equally important: increasing positive emotions. This isn’t just
beneficial because it improves mood and it’s nice to feel happy; positive emotions also strengthen
the immune system (Frederickson, 2000) and heart (Frederickson & Levenson, 1998) and help
minimize the impact of painful experiences, including trauma (Frederickson, 2001). In addition, as
Hanson and Mendius aptly note, “It’s a positive cycle: good feelings today increase the likelihood
of good feelings tomorrow” (2009, p. 75).
Many people don’t seem to understand that sometimes we have to actively work to generate
positive emotions; for example, when an inability to regulate emotions causes chaos in relationships
and makes it difficult to function, positive feelings don’t often arise spontaneously. In this chapter,
we’ll look at some skills that can help clients consciously work toward increasing positive experi-
ences—and with them, positive emotions.
BEING EFFECTIVE IN LIFE

In DBT, the skill of being effective refers to doing what you need to do to get your needs met or move
closer to your long-term goals (Linehan, 1993b). The more effective clients are, the more positive
emotions they’ll experience as they increase their self-respect and improve their quality of life.
While being effective might sound logical and even a little bit simple, for many of our clients (and,
DBT Made Simple
let’s face it, even for ourselves at times), it can be a real challenge, often because emotions get in
the way. When clients are acting from their emotional self, it’s usually difficult for them to figure
out what their long-term goals are, much less sort out what they need to do to get there.
When you first teach clients this skill, you might encounter resistance. Remember to provide a
lot of validation, underscoring that being effective is difficult, and then push for change. Explain to
clients that you’ll help them practice this skill, which will improve their quality of life. It’s also impor-
tant to point out from the start that acting effectively doesn’t guarantee they’ll get their needs met.
It can increase the chances, but other obstacles may still get in the way of reaching their goals.
I find the best way to introduce this skill is by asking clients to think of times in the past when
they haven’t acted effectively: When have they done something they later regretted? When have
they acted in a way they later recognized as not being helpful—or even being harmful—to them
in the long run? Explain that when they do something that might feel good in the moment (most
often acting from the emotional self) but that isn’t in their best interests in the long run, they are
acting ineffectively. Linehan (1993b) uses the expression “cutting off your nose to spite your face”
to describe ineffective behavior. An example would be acting out of anger in a way that, in the long
run, is more hurtful to yourself than it is to the person you’re angry with.
Acting effectively, therefore, is acting from your wise self—taking into consideration your
emotions and thoughts, as well as what your gut instinct or intuition tells you is in your best inter-
ests. Acting effectively means thinking about what’s going to help you reach your goals in the long
run, even though it might not be what you want to do or what’s easiest in the situation. The follow-
ing dialogue gives an example of how to convey this:
Therapist: So you got laid off from work at the day care center. I’m so sorry to hear it,
Rebecca. I know how much you’ve enjoyed the job, and you’ve been doing so
well there.
Client: Yeah, it sucks. They told me it’s because they’ve had a reduction in enrollment,
so there are too many workers now and not enough hours to go around. And,
of course, I’m one of the newest employees even though I’ve been there a year.
They told me they might call me back for occasional shifts, but if they do, I
don’t think I’ll go.
Therapist: Why wouldn’t you go? Obviously if you find another job quickly and you’re not
available, you can’t go, but if that’s not the case, wouldn’t the extra hours come
in handy?
Client: Yes, but I don’t think it’s fair that they laid me off and now expect me be at their
beck and call if they decide they need me.
Therapist: Do you really think that’s what’s going on here, Rebecca? You’ve told me what
a good relationship you’ve had with your employers up until now, and it’s always
sounded like they’ve valued you.
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Skills to Help Clients Regulate Emotions: Increasing Positive Emotions
Client: Well, they obviously didn’t value me enough to keep me on.
Therapist: So is that what this is really about? You’re angry with them, and to punish them,
you’re not going to go back to work even though it would help you out as well
as helping them?
Client: Why should I help them after what they’ve done?
Therapist: Can you try to think about what would be effective for you in this situation,
instead of focusing on how to get back at them? What could you do here that
might help you get your needs met?
Client: (Pauses.) I know you’re thinking that I could use the money, and you’re right. But
I still don’t see why I should help them out.
Therapist: I understand that you’re angry and disappointed about losing your job. I know
that this was the longest you’d held a job, and that it was very important to you.
You’ve formed relationships not only with your coworkers, but with the chil-
dren you’ve been working with. You’ve even gone back to school to get your
diploma so you can continue working in the field, so obviously this job meant a
lot to you. But yes, you’re right: you do need the money. It will also do you
good to get out of the house now and then, because without your job you’re
pretty isolated. I’m also wondering if there’s any chance that you might get your
job back later if enrollment increases again or if other staff members leave
because of the shortage of hours.
Client: Yeah, I guess you’re right. I’m just so disappointed, and I’m taking it personally.
They did tell me more than once that the only reason I was the first to be let go
is because of my lack of seniority. And yes, they did say that, if they can, they’ll
take me back, even if it’s only part-time. So you’re right. I guess I should be
focusing more on what I can do to make it more likely that I’ll get my job back,
or at least that they’ll give me a good reference for my next job.
What Gets in the Way of Effectiveness?

One of the biggest problems that can get in the way of clients’ ability to be effective is not
knowing what their long-term goals are (Linehan, 1993b). It will be hard for them to figure out
what they need to do to get their needs met if they aren’t even sure what their needs are! Encourage
them to practice mindfulness so they can slow down and really think about what will be most effec-
tive for them in a given situation. Also, they might have more than one goal in a situation, so it’s
important to help them figure out what’s most important in case they aren’t able to achieve all of
their goals.
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Thoughts about the situation can also get in the way of doing what works. For example,
Rebecca’s thought that her employer was treating her unfairly got in the way of being effective. All
she was focusing on was her thoughts about how the situation should have been, so she was
responding not to the reality of the situation, but to the way she wished the situation was.
Another common obstacle to effectiveness is focusing on short-term goals rather than consid-
ering what will be most helpful in the long run. So while Rebecca might get some satisfaction out
of not helping her employer if they need her, in the long run this is would be cutting off her nose
to spite her face: hurting herself by not earning the money she needs, not demonstrating to her
employer that she’d like to come back if there’s an opportunity, and not acting in a way that would
get her a good reference letter for future jobs. All of this hurts her more than it hurts her employer,
who would probably be able to get someone else to work those shifts.
A Caveat about Being Effective

Be sure to emphasize to clients that, although the focus of being effective is doing what it takes
to reach their goals, this doesn’t give them permission to do so at the expense of others. Being
effective means acting from their wise self, which includes acting in alignment with their morals and
values. If they act in ways that go against their principles, they’ll lose respect for themselves, and
this obviously isn’t in their best interests in the long run.
INCREASING POSITIVE EXPERIENCES

When clients’ lives are chaotic, their relationships are in constant turmoil, and feelings of anger,
sadness, and anxiety are constantly overwhelming them, it’s understandable that they wouldn’t
think about doing fun things. It’s also understandable that when you suggest they do more fun
things, they’ll think you’re nuts! You have to get them to see that positive emotions aren’t going to
miraculously appear out of thin air, especially if they are regularly in a lot of emotional pain. Explain
that it’s up to them to work on generating good feelings. Hansen and Mendius (2009) point out that
the remedy for painful experiences is to accept them rather than try to suppress them, and then to
work on fostering positive experiences, taking them in so they become a part of who you are.
Increase Pleasurable Activities

For clients who are regularly experiencing emotional pain, increasing pleasurable activities can
be extremely difficult, but it’s also really important (Linehan, 1993b). If they don’t work on increas-
ing the pleasurable activities, the emotional pain they’re currently experiencing is unlikely to
dissipate.
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Help clients think about what they can do that might bring more positive emotions into their
lives. This is especially difficult for clients who are depressed because, in that state, it seems like
nothing will bring them pleasure or change the way they feel. If this kind of thinking feels like too
big a task for a depressed client, start by helping her try to think of things that may calm or soothe
her or that might bring her some peace or contentment. Explain that the idea isn’t that these activi-
ties will necessarily make her emotional pain disappear; rather, they are a way of taking small steps
to feel just a bit better for even just a short period of time. This skill isn’t necessarily about feeling
good, but about feeling any kind of positive emotion, even to a small degree.
A good starting point is to ask clients to think of things they’ve done in the past that have
helped improve their mood. If they draw a blank, try to offer some suggestions based on your
knowledge of them. For example, if you know that a client likes animals but can’t have a pet in her
apartment building, suggest she go to the pet store to play with the kittens for a while or even sign
up to do some volunteer work at a local animal shelter. Or if you know that she likes spending time
with children, suggest that she ask her brother if she can take his children to the park or a movie.
Whatever you suggest, make sure to choose things that she can do immediately, in the short term
(Linehan, 1993b). Once you get the ball rolling, help clients create a list of enjoyable activities, and
then have them pick one to start with for homework.
Addressing Motivation
People often say they don’t have the motivation, just don’t feel like it, or don’t have the energy
to do things. For clients whose emotions are out of control, this is likely to be true. The problem
is, their mood isn’t going to improve until they start to engage in some of enjoyable activities. Until
then, they are essentially stuck in a vicious cycle.
Many people seem to believe that they should feel a drive or desire to do something—that if
they don’t feel like doing it, then they can’t. With clients who express this belief, remind them of
all the things they do on a regular basis that they probably don’t really feel like doing: housework,
helping their children with homework, or even just getting up in the morning. It’s likely that most
clients make themselves do many things they don’t enjoy or feel like doing.
Explain that they can’t wait for feelings of motivation or enthusiasm to arise, because that might
not happen, especially if their mood is low or they have problems regulating their emotions and life
is chaotic as a result. They’ll probably find that they usually don’t feel like doing an activity until
after they’ve started doing it. Try to get them to think of times this has happened in the past: when
they felt unmotivated or as though they didn’t have the energy to do something, but once they
started the activity it wasn’t so bad, and maybe they even enjoyed it. Remind them that doing
enjoyable activities—even if they have to push themselves to get started—will help reduce their
painful emotions by increasing their activity level and positive experiences.
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Goal Setting
Doing pleasant activities in the present is obviously going to help improve clients’ mood and
reduce their level of emotional pain, but it’s just as important for them to make changes in their
lifestyle so that pleasurable events occur regularly (Linehan, 1993b). One way of promoting this is
to help clients examine their goals. Hopefully you’ve already discussed their short-term goals for
therapy, but it’s also important to encourage them to think about what positive changes they might
like to make in the long run. They might be able to identify some fairly major changes they’d like
to make, like ending an unhealthy relationship, getting a job, or finishing school. However, smaller
goals can be just as effective and rewarding; what’s important is that they have goals.
You might find that the idea of long-term goals is foreign to some clients. They may have been
so focused on trying to cope with their emotions and just survive on a daily basis that thoughts
about the future haven’t been a priority. If they haven’t considered this before, they may have no
idea what their goals are. In this case, help them develop some goals. I often start the process by
asking clients to brainstorm: if they could do absolutely anything they wanted, what would it be?
I’ve provided a Goal Setting Worksheet, which you can use to help clients identify long-term goals.
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GOAL SETTING WORKSHEET

1. Start by brainstorming: List any interests you’ve ever had, even activities you’ve never actually
engaged in. Don’t limit yourself. If it pops into your head and seems like it might be a fun, enjoyable,
calming, peaceful, or positive experience in some way, write it down. You can use another sheet of
paper if you run out of room.
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2. Choose one of the above activities that most appeals to you, and then do some research on the
topic. Is this an activity you can just do? If there are costs involved, can you afford it? Do you have
transportation, if needed? If it’s not so straightforward, see if you can make it more realistic for
yourself. Perhaps, as is often the case, money is a limiting factor. Even if, for example, you can’t quit
your job to go back to school, maybe you can take night classes, correspondence classes, or online
courses, or perhaps you can go to school part-time while you work. Jot down some ideas here:
3. Now that you have a goal and some ideas about how to reach that goal, what are some first steps
you can take toward accomplishing it? For example, maybe you would research the program you’d
like to enroll in and see where it’s available, find out if there are prerequisites you need for the
program, and look into what financial assistance might be available to you.
4. Now identify the first step you’ll take toward your goal:
Once you’ve taken this first step, you’ll know more about what you need to do to move closer to
your goal. Take it step by step. Make sure the goals you set are small enough that they are realistic and
achievable. For example, if you can’t afford to return to school full-time, don’t set a goal to be finished in
two years; if you do, you’ll be disappointed when you don’t achieve this, making it less likely that you’ll
continue to work hard to reach your goal. In other words, don’t set yourself up for failure!
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Building Mastery
Making sure we have positive events and activities in life on a regular basis in the short term
and thinking about what our long-term goals are so we can work toward them are both important
aspects of increasing positive emotions. But it’s also important to have activities that we do, not
necessarily because they’re fun, but because they give us a sense of accomplishment and pride.
They make us feel fulfilled and give our lives purpose. This is the DBT skill known as building mastery
(Linehan, 1993b).
Emphasize to clients that building mastery isn’t about the activities they do, but about the
feeling those activities create. It’s about challenging themselves and feeling good about themselves
for doing so, regardless of the outcome. When building mastery, they’ll feel proud of themselves
for what they’ve accomplished and for being productive, and they’ll feel a sense of fulfillment,
regardless of how big or small the accomplishment might seem.
The activities that build a sense of mastery vary from person to person, so, again, personalize
this skill for each client. Most people already have some things they do fairly regularly that build
mastery. This is the place to start, but it may take some digging to help clients identify these pre-
existing activities. Ask what they already do that gives them a sense of pride, fulfillment, or accom-
plishment. If they can’t think of anything, you may know them well enough to make some
suggestions. Perhaps a client makes her son’s lunch every morning and walks him to school. Maybe
she works out regularly, does volunteer work, or takes pride in her job. Just remember: this is a very
individual skill, so don’t make assumptions—use your knowledge of the client to offer
suggestions.
Once you’ve identified some of the things a client already does that build mastery, explain the
importance of doing these kinds of activities at least once a day to generate positive emotions. To
make this seem less overwhelming, give the client some relatively simple examples of how she
might build mastery daily; for example, getting out of bed or showering in the morning even
though she feels awful, taking a five-minute walk, or going outside to get the mail.
WILLINGNESS: ADOPTING AN ATTITUDE

OF OPENNESS
Sometimes clients seem to understand how skills will be helpful and that, if they are to make any
kind of change they need to practice these skills, but they still find themselves unable to make a
commitment to do so. When this is the case, it can be helpful to introduce the ideas of willfulness
and willingness.
In this context, willfulness is removing oneself from the fundamental essence of life, refusing to
do what’s effective, and shutting oneself off from the abundance of possibilities that always exist
(May, 1987). Willfulness is throwing up one’s hands and saying, “I don’t care.” It’s giving up, refus-
ing to try or to even consider what may be possible. In a slightly different way of looking at this,
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willfulness is trying to impose one’s will on reality—trying to “fix” everything, rather than doing
what is needed.
Often, the harder something is, the more likely people are to be willful about it. It’s easier to
throw up their hands and say it doesn’t matter anymore. But, obviously, that isn’t effective. Help
clients think of times when they’ve been willful so they’ll be familiar with the feeling. See if they
can identify how willfulness feels for them and what behaviors they engage in when they’re feeling
willful: Do they turn to any of their problem behaviors when willfulness arises? Do they throw a
temper tantrum? Do they just withdraw?
The antidote is willingness, which is the opposite of willfulness. Willingness is about acceptance
and taking an attitude of openness toward life or choosing to enter into life fully (May, 1987),
regardless of the challenges this entails. Willingness is doing one’s best to access the wise self and
be effective. It’s trying to solve problems even when they seem unsolvable. It means using skills
even when a situation is acutely painful and it seems like acting effectively is impossible in that
moment. Willingness is trying to be more flexible (Hayes, 2005), taking an attitude of openness,
and allowing oneself to see possibilities.
Moving from Willfulness to Willingness

After helping clients identify what they do when they feel willful, encourage them to see these
behaviors as signals of willfulness and to accept that they’re feeling willful. It is what it is, and
judging it will only increase their emotions, making it more difficult for them to manage their emo-
tions and access their wise self.
Next, ask them to think of willingness as opening themselves to their experience, to learning,
and to possibilities. Thinking about this openness can help them change their attitude, and express-
ing this attitude physically can help them move from willfulness to willingness. Ask clients to
express openness with their body language, turning an unwilling posture into a willing one. I rec-
ommend doing this with them to help them feel more comfortable and increase the likelihood that
they do it. Uncross your arms and unclench your fists. Open your hands, palms facing upward.
Smooth out your facial expression and relax your jaw.
Using the language of willingness can also help clients move from willfulness to willingness.
Given that willfulness is about nonacceptance, refusal, and denial—about saying no to the uni-
verse—encourage clients to act opposite to this urge, saying yes to the universe instead. This can
help them move toward willingness (Linehan, 2003c). Have clients close their eyes, take some deep
breaths, and talk to themselves in a way that expresses willingness; for example, I can do this, I’m all
right, or I’m going to try.
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The Half Smile

There is a wise saying that goes “Sometimes your joy is the source of your smile, but sometimes
your smile can be the source of your joy.” In fact, researchers have found that making the facial
expression of an emotion actually increases the intensity of that emotion (Niedenthal, 2007). The
DBT skill of putting on a half smile (Linehan, 1993b) is simply slightly turning up the corners of your
mouth so you’re smiling just a bit. I like to have clients practice this skill with me, although it’s
generally best not to look directly at each other while practicing the half smile, as this usually
results in laughter and a full smile (which is actually good evidence for the value of this skill!).
Be sure to point out to clients that the half smile isn’t about grinning to cover up painful emo-
tions; rather, it’s about using their facial muscles to send messages to the brain that will increase
their feelings of well-being. The half smile can help increase positive emotions and also help people
move toward willingness.
WRAPPING UP
In this chapter, we looked at skills that help clients regulate their emotions more effectively by
increasing their positive feelings: being effective, increasing enjoyable activities, setting goals,
building self-respect and self-esteem through activities that provide a sense of mastery, and learn-
ing how to move from willfulness toward willingness and the sense of openness it brings. As clients
practice these skills, they will enjoy more positive experiences, which will increase their positive
emotions. And when they have more positives in their lives, their pain will be a little easier to deal
with.
The next chapter will look at how clients’ relationships can contribute to their emotional pain
and how communication skills can help them improve their relationships. The chaos that can be
caused by relationships adds to people’s difficulties with emotion regulation, so these skills are
crucial.
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C H A P T E R 12
Helping Clients Become More

Effective in Relationships
Relationships can have a huge impact on mood, especially for those who have difficulties regulating
their emotions. People with BPD typically experience more emotional stability when they have
secure, loving relationships. Conversely, when a relationship isn’t stable, this can create more
turmoil in their lives, and this turbulence often leads to self-destructive behaviors that can cause
further problems in relationships. Lack of relationships can also be an issue for these clients. If they
don’t have enough relationships, they may feel lonely and depressed.
This chapter looks at how you can help clients improve their relationships and initiate new ones
through assertiveness skills. I’ll also discuss DBT skills to help clients develop and maintain more
of a balance in life—balancing the things that they want to do or that are enjoyable with their
responsibilities, and also balancing the inherent give-and-take in relationships.
ASSESSING SOCIAL SUPPORTS

As social beings, we humans need other people in our lives in order to be happy. So it’s important
to look at social support with clients early on in therapy: Do they have friends and acquaintances?
Are they close to any family members? Do they belong to a church, where they might have rela-
tionships with other parishioners or obtain support from a minister? Sometimes people report that
they have close, supportive online friends whom they’ve never actually met. Also help clients
examine the quality of these relationships and how satisfied they are with them: Are these relation-
ships healthy? Do they lead to feelings of satisfaction and enjoyment, or do they cause a lot of pain,
anger, and resentment?
DBT Made Simple
As with many of the other decisions clients make, you might disagree with them about their
assessments. You may believe a client needs more relationships in her life or think some of her
current relationships aren’t healthy. Keep in mind that we all have different needs when it comes to
relationships. Some people describe themselves as loners, not needing many people in their lives,
whereas others are social butterflies and need more relationships to feel fulfilled. So the issue isn’t
so much number of relationships as how satisfied or fulfilled a client is by whatever relationships she
has. In other words, once you and a client have done this assessment, it’s important to ask, “Are you
happy with your social life, or do you feel something is lacking there?” As you consider her answer,
keep in mind any challenges that might interfere with her ability to assess this accurately, such as
social anxiety.
If your opinion does differ from a client’s, remember that getting stuck in a power struggle over
this issue won’t be helpful. It’s completely okay, and even important, to express your opinion to her,
but if she disagrees, don’t try to force it. Over time, as your therapeutic relationship develops and
you gain her trust, you can work toward helping her see things from a different perspective, and
hopefully at some point improving her social support will become a goal.
Once clients acknowledge that their relationships aren’t satisfying or that they don’t have many
(or any) people to turn for support and say they’d like to work on this as a goal, help them sort out
their options. First, help them consider what they can do to improve their relationships. Do they
need to work on improving any current relationships that aren’t healthy? Could they develop
deeper relationships with people they already know? Do they need to work on developing new
relationships altogether?
IMPROVING CURRENT RELATIONSHIPS

It’s usually easiest to start with existing relationships. If clients aren’t satisfied with their current
relationships, they’ll need to work on improving them, but they may struggle to identify what the
problems are. To this end, it’s useful to help them understand their communication style. I’ve pro-
vided a Communication Styles Quiz, and I recommend having clients complete it to help them see
what style they use most often and possibly identify the communication styles others tend to use.
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Helping Clients Become More Effective in Relationships
COMMUNICATION STYLES QUIZ

The following questions will help you get an idea of what your communication style is. Check off any
for which your answer is yes. However, you’ll probably be able to see that you do many of these things
sometimes, so only check off those that seem to describe you best. The style for which you have the
most checks is your dominant communication style.
1. PASSIVE
Do you try to push your feelings away rather than express them to others?
Do you fear that expressing yourself will cause others to be angry with you or not like you?
Do you often say things like “I don’t care” or “It doesn’t matter to me” when you do care or
it actually does matter?
Do you keep quiet or try not to rock the boat because you don’t want to upset others?
Do you often go along with others’ opinions because you don’t want to be different?
Total:
2. AGGRESSIVE
Are you most concerned with getting your own way, regardless of how it impacts others?
Do you yell, swear, or use other aggressive means of communicating regularly?
Do your friends fear you?
Are you disrespectful toward others when communicating with them, not really caring if they
get what they need as long as your needs are met?
Do you have an attitude of “my way or the highway”? Have you ever heard anyone describe
you this way?
Total:
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DBT Made Simple
3. PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE
Do you have a tendency to be sarcastic when you feel angry?
Do you tend to give people the silent treatment when you’re angry with them?
Do you often find yourself saying one thing but thinking another, such as going along with
another person’s wishes even though you want to do something else?
Are you generally reluctant to express your emotions but find that how you feel gets expressed
in other ways, like slamming doors or other aggressive behaviors?
Do you fear that expressing yourself will cause others to be angry with you or stop liking you,
so you try to get your message across in more subtle ways?
Total:
4. ASSERTIVE
Do you believe that you have a right to express your opinions and emotions?
When you’re having a disagreement with someone, are you able to express your opinions and
emotions clearly and honestly?
When communicating with others, do you treat them with respect while also respecting
yourself?
Do you listen closely to what others are saying, sending them the message that you’re trying
to understand their perspective?
Do you try to negotiate with others if you have different goals, rather than being focused on
getting your own needs met?
Total:
166
When a client has completed the quiz, explain the four different communication styles. (I’ve
outlined them below, in case you need any pointers on how to describe them to clients.) Then
discuss how her communication style may be having a negative effect on her relationships. Be sure
to point out that it’s not uncommon for people to use different styles depending on the situation and
the person they’re communicating with. Also emphasize that the point isn’t to diagnose how she
communicates, but to increase her awareness of her patterns of communicating so she can choose to
communicate in a different way if she wishes. Since so many people have a hard time communicating
their wishes, thoughts, and feelings, especially with the people they care about most, it’s often
worthwhile for clients to develop more assertiveness. Validation will come in handy here, as most
people find it difficult to be assertive, especially in certain situations and with certain people.
COMMUNICATION STYLES
Describe each of the four communication styles to clients to help them understand how communi-
cation styles—their own or others’—might be causing problems in their relationships. As you
discuss this, ask clients for examples of times when they’ve used each communication style, who
they tend to use it with, and whether they think it’s effective.
Passive Communication
Passive people often don’t communicate verbally. They tend to bottle up their emotions instead
of expressing them, perhaps out of fear of hurting others or making them uncomfortable, or maybe
because they don’t believe their feelings or opinions matter as much as those of others. People with
a passive communication style usually fear confrontation and believe that voicing their opinions,
beliefs, or emotions will cause conflict. Their goal is usually to keep the peace and not rock the
boat, so they sit back and say little.
The passive client often allows others to violate her rights and shows a lack of respect for her
own needs. Her passivity communicates a message of inadequacy or inferiority. This style of com-
munication may not negatively impact the other person in a relationship, or others may become
uncomfortable with her difficulties in speaking up and lack of respect for herself. Regardless of the
impact on others, this form of communicating definitely has a negative impact on the client over
time, as she resents not having her needs met.
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DBT Made Simple
Aggressive Communication
Aggressive communicators attempt to control others. They’re concerned with getting their
own way, regardless of the cost to others. Aggressive people are direct, but in a forceful, demand-
ing, and perhaps even vicious way. They tend to leave others feeling resentful, hurt, and afraid.
They might get what they want, but it’s usually at the expense of others, and sometimes at their
own expense, as they may later feel guilty, regretful, or ashamed because of how they behaved.
An aggressive client doesn’t care how she gets her needs met, even if it means disrespecting
and violating the rights of others. This communication style obviously has negative impacts on
relationships, as people usually won’t tolerate being abused and disrespected for very long.
Passive-Aggressive Communication
Like passive communicators, those who have a passive-aggressive style fear confrontation and
don’t express themselves directly. However, because of their aggressive tendencies, their goal is to
get their way, but they tend to use indirect techniques that more subtly express their emotions,
such as sarcasm, the silent treatment, or saying they’ll do something for others but then
“forgetting.”
A passive-aggressive client gets her message across without actually saying the words. This can
be very confusing to others, as she says one thing but then sends a contradictory message. Many
passive-aggressive techniques are characterized as manipulative; they are usually unhealthy ways of
trying to get one’s needs met, and they often have negative consequences.
Assertive Communication
Assertive people express their wishes, thoughts, feelings, and beliefs in a direct and honest way
that’s respectful both of themselves and of others. They attempt to get their own needs met but
also try to meet the needs of others as much as possible. They listen and negotiate, so others often
choose to cooperate with them because they’re also getting something out of the interaction.
Others tend to respect and value assertive communicators because this communication style makes
them feel respected and valued.
Assertive communication is the way people with good self-esteem tend to express themselves.
They feel good about themselves, and they recognize that they have a right to express their opin-
ions and feelings. However, do point out to clients that this doesn’t mean those with low self-
esteem can’t be assertive, and that being more assertive in their communication will actually
improve how they feel about themselves. It will also improve their relationships and interactions
with others, and this too will also increase their self-esteem.
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THE SKILL OF ASSERTIVENESS

Since so many of us have a hard time communicating—especially with the people we care about
the most—most clients can benefit from developing assertiveness skills. Explain that, as with any
new behavior, becoming more assertive will take time and effort. Like any skill, it takes practice.
Some people, especially those who have been more passive, find that communicating and acting
assertively feels like acting aggressively, simply because they’re not used to asking for what they
want. For many clients, learning to be assertive will be uncomfortable and possibly even scary at
times, but gradually they’ll learn that this is the healthiest way of communicating and begin to see
positive changes in their relationships.
As discussed in chapter 10, the messages we received about emotions as we were growing up
shaped our thoughts and feelings about them. The same thing happens with communication: we
learn how to communicate by observing how others around us communicate. It can be challenging
to be assertive if you grew up surrounded by people who communicated in passive, aggressive, or
passive-aggressive ways.
Explain this to clients and help them see where some of their communication patterns came
from. Remind them that this isn’t about placing blame, but about helping them understand the
reasons for their current difficulties. This often makes it easier to change. Once clients have a good
understanding of the four basic communication styles and the role their communication style plays
in their relationships, you can work with them on developing assertiveness using the following skills
(Linehan, 1993b):
UÊ Deciding on priorities, such as reaching a goal, improving a relationship, or feeling good

about one’s choices
UÊ Making requests in a way that doesn’t damage relationships, by describing the situation
and related thoughts and feelings
UÊ Negotiating
UÊ Obtaining information
UÊ Saying no in a way that doesn’t damage relationships
UÊ Acting in accordance with personal values and morals
I’ve provided some guidelines that may be helpful in explaining these skills to clients. Feel free
to photocopy them and give them to clients as a handout.
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DBT Made Simple
GUIDELINES FOR ASSERTIVE

COMMUNICATION
The following interpersonal skills can help you become more assertive in relationships.
1. DECIDE ON YOUR PRIORITIES.

First you need to decide what your priority is in the current situation: Do you have a goal that the
other person could help you with, or that the person might prevent you from reaching? Do you want to
improve the relationship? Do you want to feel good about how you handle yourself in the interaction,
regardless of the other outcomes? Do you want to be able to say no to a request that has been made
of you?
This can be a difficult decision if you have priorities in more than one of these areas. It’s possible
that you might be able to reach multiple goals, but sometimes you’ll have to choose which is the most
important. Whatever your decision, it’s important to be very clear about what your top priority is so
that you can clearly communicate it. It’s hard to get what you want if you’re not sure what that is! Once
you’ve decided on your priority, you can choose which skills will be most helpful in reaching that goal.
2. ASK FOR WHAT YOU WANT IN A WAY

THAT DOESN’T DAMAGE THE RELATIONSHIP.
Here are the steps for making an assertive request:
a. Nonjudgmentally describe the situation. Once you’ve decided what your priority is, start
by clearly and factually describing the situation to the other person. Judgments and blaming will
reduce the likelihood that you’ll achieve your goals, so be sure to stick to the facts. Also remem-
ber that, at this point, the problem you’re addressing is neither a conflict nor a confrontation; it’s
simply a problem that needs solving.
b. Describe what you think and feel about the situation. The second step in asserting your-
self is telling the other person what you think and feel about the situation.
c. Assert yourself. The final step is to assert yourself by clearly asking for what you want.
3. NEGOTIATE.
An inherent part of assertiveness is showing respect for the other person and demonstrating a desire
that everyone get something out of the interaction if at all possible. Negotiating—being willing to give
something in order to get something—usually goes a long way in encouraging others to help you reach
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your goal. Rather than focusing on how to get your needs met, work on reaching a mutually agreeable
solution where both you and the other person get some needs met.
4. OBTAIN INFORMATION.
Understanding what the other person wants, thinks, and feels will help you to communicate assert-
ively. Being assertive means being just as concerned about the other person as you are about yourself.
Obtaining information that increases your understanding of others will help you treat them fairly and
respectfully and assist them in meeting their needs.
People tend to make assumptions about others rather than asking them about their goals, thoughts,
and feelings. These assumptions can damage relationships and stand in the way of successful interac-
tions. Having accurate information will help you to be more successful in communicating with others
and reaching your goals.
5. SAY NO IN A WAY THAT DOESN’T DAMAGE

THE RELATIONSHIP.
Many people have a hard time saying no to others’ requests. They may feel guilty for saying no or they
may judge themselves in some way, such as thinking, I’m a bad friend if I say no. Sometimes people worry
that others will be angry if they say no. But setting limits for yourself and sticking to them—even if it
means denying others’ requests at times—simply shows that you respect and value yourself. Assertively
saying no rather than giving in and doing something you don’t want to do also protects relationships from
the resentment that tends to build up over time if you regularly say yes when you really don’t want to.
6. ACT ACCORDING TO YOUR VALUES AND MORALS.

Be clear about what your values and morals are and stick to them. You won’t feel good about yourself if
you agree to do things that go against your principles. So be truthful with yourself and others rather than
making excuses when you don’t want to do something. It’s perfectly okay to say no and to be honest
about the reason—even if it’s just because you don’t want to do something. If you can be truthful and
assertively tell others you don’t want to do what they’re asking of you, your self-respect will increase.
Of course, sometimes a little white lie is appropriate. For example, if you don’t want to have dinner
at a friend’s house because you don’t like her cooking, you don’t necessarily have to come out and tell
her that; in fact, you’ll probably feel worse about yourself for hurting her feelings if you do. So use your
discretion, but make sure you don’t resort to little white lies too frequently, as this can also reduce your
self-respect.
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Additional Techniques for Assertiveness

Depending on a client’s goal in a situation, other assertiveness techniques may come in handy.
Here are some additional tips you can share with clients to make it more likely that they’ll reach
their goals without damaging relationships. Indeed, these techniques might even help improve
relationships, and that will probably help increase clients’ self-respect:
UÊ Listen mindfully. Listening mindfully will help the client gain a better understanding of
what others are saying. Plus, others often notice and appreciate that she’s really paying
attention. They feel as though she’s truly listening and interested in what they have to
say.
UÊ Validate. Validating others is a great way for the client to let them know she cares, and
is listening and trying to understand. If she resists the idea of validating others, remind
her that, just as with validating her emotions, it doesn’t mean she likes what’s happen-
ing; it simply means that she acknowledges or understands it. This is an especially
helpful skill for the client to use when someone is angry with her, as it’s hard to stay
angry with someone when she’s telling you she understands why you’re angry.
De-escalating anger in this way can lead to a productive discussion of the problem,
which can improve the relationship.
UÊ Think dialectically about the situation. Remind the client that the idea of dialectical
thinking means trying to see the bigger picture. In an interpersonal situation, thinking
dialectically would mean trying to see something from the other person’s perspective.
Thinking about interactions this way will help the client validate others, as she’ll have a
better understanding of why they think or feel the way they do. Thinking dialectically
can also help her get unstuck from power struggles, allowing her to feel better about
herself after the interaction.
UÊ Adopt an attitude of openness. Being willing in interpersonal situations makes it easier

to be more open-minded, to hear the other person’s perspective, and to work together.
Taking an open attitude also makes it easier to be lighthearted. If the client’s goal is to
improve a relationship, she should be gentle and try to make the other person feel more
comfortable, perhaps by smiling or using humor.
UÊ Only apologize when an apology is genuinely called for. Some people have an inex-
plicable need to apologize for things they aren’t responsible for. If an apology is truly
warranted, the client should take responsibility and apologize. But apologizing exces-
sively will reduce her self-respect and can be a sign that her self-esteem is suffering.
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How Assertiveness Is Like Getting the Oil Changed

People often have difficulties asserting themselves with those they really care about, possibly
because they fear they might damage the relationship by expressing their true needs and emotions.
But relationships usually suffer because of a lack of assertiveness by one or both of the people in the
relationship. Ask the client to think of a time when assertiveness helped her resolve a problem,
could have helped her be more effective, or might have salvaged a relationship that ended prema-
turely. Did she have a relationship in which she let the problems pile up, not speaking to the other
person about the issues until she finally got to the point where she’d had enough and just ended
the relationship? Or did she perhaps talk to a friend or partner about how she was feeling so they
could try to work it out before it got to that point? Of course, the latter approach is preferable:
addressing problems as they arise in a relationship rather than letting them pile up until they become
unmanageable. However, one of the most common reasons why people lose relationships is because
they take their relationships for granted and don’t work to keep them healthy (Linehan, 1993b).
When I’m teaching clients assertiveness skills, I like to use the metaphor of maintenance on a
car: When you own a car, you want to take good care of it. When something starts to rattle under
the hood or the car just doesn’t feel like it’s driving right, you take it in to get it checked out, but
you also regularly take it in for a tune-up, an oil change, to have the tires rotated, and so on. In other
words, you take good care of your car because you know that if you don’t, it could develop more
problems, maybe even unmanageable problems.
Explain to clients that a relationship needs to be treated the same way. It needs to be taken care
of on a regular basis, not just when the squeaks and rattles become noticeable. So what would
regular relationship maintenance look like? Calling a friend on a regular basis, asking about her day
or a recent trip, taking her out for her birthday, supporting her when her grandmother is dying, and
so on. To take care of relationships and prevent them from deteriorating, we show others that
they’re important to us. Of course, we also have to take care of major problems as they arise. For
example, I often hear the complaint, “I’m the one who always has to call.” If clients feel they’re
putting more energy into a relationship than the other person is, this is a squeak that needs to be
discussed. If they need something from a friend that she currently isn’t giving, they need to ask for
it. They shouldn’t assume others are mind readers or automatically know what their needs are.
Of course, being assertive and asking for what we want or talking about problems when they
arise in a relationship is often easier said than done. Many people avoid speaking up when they’re
unhappy in a relationship because they’re afraid of the consequences; for example, the other person
might get angry or end the relationship altogether. Remind clients that the worst thing that might
happen is that the relationship ends, and that if they don’t discuss the problems and their feelings,
chances are the relationship will end anyway as resentment builds. However, the more likely
outcome is that discussing the problem using assertiveness skills will allow them to work coopera-
tively with others to make their relationships healthier.
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THE ROLE OF ASSERTIVENESS IN BALANCING

ENJOYABLE ACTIVITIES AND RESPONSIBILITIES
Another important part of taking care of relationships is developing more balance. In chapter 11, I
discussed the importance of helping clients make sure they regularly experience events that gener-
ate positive emotions: events that are fun, interesting, fulfilling, relaxing, peaceful, calming, and so
on. It’s important that clients continue to do these activities in spite of the demands that others will
inevitably place on them. Therefore, you need to teach clients to work on balancing the activities
they do for themselves with their responsibilities (Linehan, 1993b).
Everyone has responsibilities—going to work, paying the bills, taking care of children, pets, or
parents—and these are just as important as activities that generate positive feelings. But when
enjoyable activities conflict with the demands of others, assertiveness skills will be necessary to
resolve the discord that can result.
Ask clients to consider a time when this happened to them: Perhaps someone pressured them
to do something they didn’t want to do, maybe when they already had plans to do something else.
For example, maybe a client’s friend asked her to help him move, but she already had plans to go
away for the weekend. What did the client do in this situation? What was the outcome?
It’s important to help clients think about what their patterns are: Do they have a tendency to
always give in and do what their partner, friends, or family members want them to do? Do they
usually disregard others’ wishes and pursue their own interests? Or are they able to find more of a
balance, sometimes putting their own needs first and other times putting the needs of others first?
To live balanced lives, we all need to give, share, and sometimes make sacrifices in relationships, but
we must also sometimes put our own needs first or even ask others to make sacrifices for us. Always
giving in to another person’s wishes won’t be healthy for the relationship. If a client does this, in the
long run she’ll feel resentful because her needs aren’t being met and because the other person is
always getting his way—even though the client is allowing this to happen.
If clients feel guilty about putting their own needs first at times, review the skill of acting oppo-
site to urges with them. Putting their needs first isn’t contrary to their morals and values as long as
they aren’t doing this consistently or at the expense of others. Rather, putting their own needs first
is actually good self-care and will benefit their relationships as their needs are met. Encourage them
to persist, and assure them that the guilt will gradually dissipate.
Encourage clients to practice assertiveness often. Do role-plays in session with them, and
encourage them to find opportunities to practice in day-to-day life. For some clients, these oppor-
tunities don’t present themselves naturally. When this is the case, encourage them to create
opportunities to practice (Linehan, 1993b). Brainstorm about situations they can put themselves in
where they are forcing themselves to be assertive, such as calling a customer service line and asking
for assistance, or ordering something at a restaurant that’s different from what’s on the menu.
Think of assertiveness as a new language for clients: unless they have opportunities to speak this
new language, they’re going to lose it fast.
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DEEPENING CURRENT RELATIONSHIPS

AND DEVELOPING NEW ONES
Up to this point in the chapter, I’ve focused on how clients can improve their existing relationships,
primarily through assertiveness. But for those who simply don’t have many meaningful relation-
ships, it will be important to help them find ways to change this situation.
With these clients, the first thing I do is look at how their life is currently structured and how
they spend their time: Do they work? Do they engage in activities or hobbies that might be con-
ducive to developing new relationships? Meeting new people can be quite stressful, so it will be
easier for clients to forge deeper relationships with people they already know.
I’ve recently been working with a client named Mathew on trying to increase his social network.
Unfortunately, he has the additional challenge of social anxiety. He’s been attending a series of
writing classes to help him develop his talent for creative writing, and in these classes he’s met a
couple of people he feels more comfortable talking with. Mathew was able to set a goal for himself
of working toward deepening these two relationships by making an effort to talk to them and
perhaps at some point asking them to go out for coffee or another minor social activity. For clients
with social anxiety, it’s especially important to help them find ways of deepening relationships that
will make this goal more achievable, and that often means taking small steps.
Sometimes, however, deepening existing relationships isn’t possible. Clients either don’t know
anyone they’d be interested in having more of a relationship with or are so isolated that they seldom
have opportunities to meet people they might want to develop relationships with. Helping such
clients meet new people who might become friends can be a challenge. It often means trying new
things, so help these clients consider what their interests are and encourage them to look into
joining a club or group devoted to that interest, like Mathew’s creative writing class. Have them do
research on courses or workshops they might attend, sports they might start playing, volunteer
activities, or any other situations where they might meet new people. Another option is websites
dedicated to social networking that facilitate people in getting together to share a specific activity.
It’s usually more comfortable for clients if they can find something they enjoy doing and then turn
this into a social event. Encourage them to do something like join a knitting or crafts class or sign
up for yoga and then do their best to be open to developing friendships during this activity.
That last point is important: emphasize to clients that they need to go into the situation with
an open mind. You might ask them what they have to lose. After all, the worst-case scenario is
probably just not enjoying the experience and therefore leaving early or not going back, whereas
the best-case scenario is that they meet someone and develop a new relationship. We can never
have too many people in our lives.
175
DBT Made Simple
WRAPPING UP
This chapter tackled the issue of relationships: how clients can be more effective in them, how to
make relationships healthier, and how to develop more relationships. Remember that this is a dif-
ficult realm for many people, particularly those with emotion dysregulation, sometimes because of
past experiences, and sometimes because of what-ifs that trigger anxiety. Remember to validate
clients’ fears and encourage them to continue practicing the other skills they’ve learned to help
increase their chances of being more effective in both current and new relationships.
176
Conclusion:
Putting It All Together
Dialectical behavior therapy is a complex treatment, but it’s effective for a wide variety of illnesses
and a helpful tool in treating more challenging illnesses, such as BPD, that involve emotion dys-
regulation. In this book, you’ve learned a lot about how to use DBT with emotionally dysregulated
clients. We’ve looked at the theoretical underpinnings of DBT; you’ve learned some of the basic
concepts of behavior theory that are pertinent to putting DBT into practice; I’ve explained some
of the techniques and strategies used in individual DBT sessions; and you’ve learned the DBT skills
in each of the four modules: core mindfulness, distress tolerance, emotion regulation, and interper-
sonal effectiveness. You’ve got a lot of information to absorb and put into practice, and the next
steps you take to help you with this are up to you. However, I do have some suggestions.
START WITH THE SKILLS

When I began using DBT in my own practice, I found it helpful to begin by focusing on the skills.
Start by practicing the DBT skills yourself and teaching them to clients. In the process, you’ll
develop a more thorough understanding of the skills and greater effectiveness in teaching them.
I’ve provided a DBT Skills Use Diary (see pages 179-181), which lists all of the DBT skills
you’ve learned in this book. You can use the list as a cheat sheet for yourself, as it gives a brief
description of each of the skills. I also recommend that you photocopy it and give it to clients so
they can use it to remind themselves of the skills they’ve learned and keep track of how often they
use them.
DBT Made Simple
SAVE THE COMPLICATED STUFF FOR LATER

Save the more complicated stuff for later, once you’re more comfortable with the basics. This prob-
ably means that, at first, it will be best to focus on using DBT to treat illnesses other than BPD,
since it’s such a complex illness and requires fluency with the treatment and a thorough under-
standing of the theories underlying the model. You will get there, but I suggest you proceed slowly,
giving yourself time to get familiar and comfortable with the model.
Once you’re more comfortable with the skills, you will, of course, want to focus more on the
rest of the DBT model: incorporating aspects of behavior theory into your practice (for example,
thinking about how to manage contingencies with clients); starting to use some of the dialectical
strategies in sessions; incorporating the Behavior Tracking Sheet to structure sessions and the
Behavior Analysis Form to learn more about clients’ problem behaviors; and so on.
DEVELOP A TEAM
Remember that there is no DBT without the team. Ideally, you’d find an experienced DBT practi-
tioner to help you learn. But whether or not this is possible, and whether or not you’re utilizing the
full DBT model, working as a team with a group of practitioners, even if they don’t have much
experience with DBT, will provide all team members with much-needed support. It also offers
additional opportunities for learning, since you can bounce ideas off each other and help one
another learn the skills and the model.
UTILIZE ADDITIONAL RESOURCES

To increase your comfort level in teaching these skills, you’ll probably need to read this book more
than once. Also make use of other resources that will help you learn the skills. My book Calming the
Emotional Storm (2012), for example, is a good resource that will help enhance your understanding of
the skills covered in this book. Marsha Linehan’s website, behavioraltech.org, is also an excellent
resource; there you’ll find training videos and other valuable tools to help you learn about DBT.
REMAIN FLEXIBLE!
Wherever you decide to go from here, remember that DBT is flexible, and that some DBT is better
than no DBT. If at times it seems too difficult and you feel like giving up, remember that this is how
many of your clients probably feel on a daily basis. So do what you’d ask of them: Practice your
DBT skills. Do some deep breathing, bring yourself back to the present moment, validate the dif-
ficulties you’re having, and offer yourself encouragement. You can do it!
178
Conclusion: Putting It All Together
DBT SKILLS USE DIARY

Fill in a number for the degree to which you used each skill each day:
1. Realized afterward that I could have used the skill.
2. Thought about the skill but chose not to use it.
3. Realized afterward that I did use the skill, and that I did so effectively.
4. Mindfully tried to use the skill but it wasn’t effective.
5. Mindfully used the skill and it was effective.
179
M T W T F S S
180
Accepting reality: Reduce your emotional pain by accepting reality. It is what it is. (Then
consider whether there’s something you can do to change the situation.)
Practicing self-validation: Be aware of the messages you received about emotions that shape
DBT Made Simple
the way you think and feel about them now. Don’t judge your emotions; just accept them.
Being mindful of emotions: Bring your awareness and acceptance to whatever emotions are
present; don’t try to fight painful emotions, and don’t try to hang on to pleasant emotions.
Emotion Regulation
Remember that emotions are like waves, coming and going.

Coping ahead: Plan and rehearse for difficult situations that are likely to arise. Imagine the
outcome as you want it to be. Think positively.
RESISTTing urges: To help yourself not act on urges, reframe, engage in an activity, do
something for someone else, generate intense sensations, shut it out, think neutral thoughts,
or take a break.
Doing a cost-benefit analysis: Consider the costs and benefits of problem behaviors.
Distress Tolerance
Finding balance: Reduce vulnerability to emotions by balancing sleep, treating physical illness,
reducing substance use, eating properly, and exercising.
Accessing wise self: Be centered and calm. Balance the emotional self and the reasoning self.
Be mindful. To get to your wise self, mentally note emotions, improve self-talk, and focus on
just this moment.
Being nonjudgmental: Reduce your emotional pain by being nonjudgmental. Stick to the facts
and your emotions rather than judgments.
Practicing mental noting: Observe and describe whatever you experience without judgment.
Core Mindfulness
Simply experience what’s happening.

Practicing mindfulness: Do one thing at a time, in the present moment, with your full
attention, and with acceptance.
Looking for new relationships: If you don’t have enough healthy relationships in your life,
make sure you look for and create opportunities to meet new people and develop new
relationships.
Balancing enjoyable activities and responsibilities: Make sure you do things for yourself
because you enjoy them, as well as taking care of your responsibilities and the demands of
others. Put your own needs first at times, and at other times make sacrifices for the people
you care about.
Communicating assertively: Notice the communication style you’re using. Practice assertive
communication. Don’t let problems pile up in your relationships; address them as they occur.
Interpersonal Effectiveness
Maintaining relationships: Take care of your relationships. Reach out to the people you care
about and show them that they’re important to you.
Practicing willingness: Open yourself up to possibilities. Do your best with what you’ve got,
even if you don’t like the cards you’ve been dealt in life.
Building mastery: Increase feelings of fulfillment by doing things that make you feel
productive, as though you’ve accomplished something. Build your self-respect and
self-esteem.
Increasing pleasurable activities: Engage in activities that are fun, enjoyable, calming, or
peaceful for you. Set goals for yourself so you have things to look forward to in both the short
term and the long term.
Emotion Regulation
Being effective: Don’t cut off your nose to spite your face. Consider what your long-term
goals are, then do what you need to do in order to meet your goal. Act from your wise self.
Acting opposite to urges: Notice the emotion you’re experiencing and the urge attached to
it, then act opposite to the urge.
181
Conclusion: Putting It All Together
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188
Sheri Van Dijk, MSW, is a mental health therapist in private practice and at Southlake Regional
Health Centre in Newmarket, ON, Canada. She is the author of The Dialectical Behavior Therapy Skills
Workbook for Bipolar Disorder, Don’t Let Your Emotions Run Your Life for Teens, and Calming the Emotional Storm, and
is coauthor of The Bipolar Workbook for Teens. In September 2010, she received the R.O. Jones Award
from the Canadian Psychiatric Association for her research on using DBT skills to treat bipolar
disorder.
Index
A assertive communication, 168

ABCs of Human Behavior, The (Ramnerö & assertiveness, 169–174; balancing life through,
Törneke), 39 174; developing skills in, 169, 170–171;
abusive environments, 12 relationship maintenance and, 173; tips and
acceptance: of client goal refusal, 63; as techniques for, 172
component of mindfulness, 68, 69, 100; of automatic thoughts, 128–130
emotions, 137, 139; of reality, 140–144 awareness, 68
acknowledging emotions, 139
acting opposite to urges, 144–148; explanation B
of, 144–146; worksheet used for, 147–148 Beck, Aaron, 7, 128
aggressive communication, 168 behavior analysis (BA), 30, 44–52; blank form
alcohol use, 103 for, 50–51; description of conducting,
allowing emotions, 139 44–45; sample cases illustrating, 46–49;
anger: example of shaping, 42; list of words solution analysis in, 45, 52; validation as part
describing, 131; motivation related to, 122; of, 52
problem with venting, 88; urges attached to, Behavior Analysis Form, 50–51; instructions
145; validation of, 172 on completing, 44–45; sample cases using,
anorexia, 104 46–49
anxiety: about the future, 83, 143; experienced behavior theory, 39
during mindfulness practice, 79; mentally Behavior Tracking Sheet, 32–33; behaviors
noting the feeling of, 86; motivation related addressed on, 29–31; instructions on
to, 122–123; urges attached to, 145. See also completing, 35; notes for the week, 34
fear behavioral concepts, 39–44; consequences,
apologies, 172 41–42; contingency management, 43–44;
Aron, Elaine, 9
DBT Made Simple
modeling, 42–43; reinforcement, 40–41; cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT): BPD

shaping, 42 treatment and, 1; DBT distinguished from,
behavioraltech.org website, 178 7–8; therapist self-disclosure in, 54
behaviors: cost-benefit analysis of, 62, 108– Cognitive-Behavioral Treatment of Borderline Personality
111; effective vs. ineffective, 152; emotions Disorder (Linehan), 2, 21
connected to, 123–127; identifying problem, communication: aggressive, 168; assertive, 168;
107; life-interfering, 30; mindfulness and emotions in, 123; irreverent, 57–58; passive,
control of, 69–70; modeling with clients, 167; passive-aggressive, 168; reciprocal,
42–43; quality-of-life interfering, 31; 53–57
therapy-interfering, 30–31 communication styles: in dialectical behavior
being effective, 151–154 therapy, 53–58; in relationships, 164–168
binge-eating disorder, 13 Communication Styles Quiz, 165–166
biosocial theory: of borderline personality concentration, improving, 70
disorder, 10–13; general application of, 13 consequences, 41–42
bipolar disorder, 19 consultation team, 16–17, 178
blaming the client/therapist, 24 consultation to the client, 28
body awareness, 75 contingencies, 43
body language: emotions communicated contingency management, 43–44
through, 123; validation through, 57. See also coping ahead, 118–120
facial expressions coping statements, 113
borderline personality disorder (BPD): core mindfulness skills, 15
biosocial theory of, 10–13; characteristics cost-benefit analysis, 62, 108–111
of, 1; development of DBT for, 1; research Cost-Benefit Analysis Worksheet, 109–110
on DBT for, 18 counting breaths exercise, 75, 76
boundary setting, 26 crisis survival skills, 16, 111–117; doing
Brach, Tara, 141 something for someone else, 114;
breaths, counting, 75, 76 experiencing intense sensations, 115;
building mastery, 159 mindfully engaging in activities, 113–114;
bulimia, 13, 104 reframing situations, 112–113; shutting
things out, 115–116; taking a break, 117;
C thinking neutral thoughts, 116–117. See also
Calming the Emotional Storm (Van Dijk), 178 distress tolerance skills
change: acceptance of reality and, 143; DBT
assumptions about, 22–23 D
chaotic environments, 11–12 DBT Skills Use Diary, 179–181
clients: communication styles of, 167–168; depression: physical exercise and, 104;
consultation to, 28; DBT assumptions research on DBT for, 19. See also sadness
about, 21–24; observing limits with, 25–27; devil’s advocate technique, 58–59
selling mindfulness to, 68–71; validating Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders,
nonjudgment in, 95 13
192
Index
dialectical behavior therapy (DBT): effectiveness, 151–154

assumptions about clients in, 21–24; emotion dysregulation, 8–10
Behavior Tracking Sheet, 29, 32–35; emotion regulation, 9–10; lifestyle issues and,
behavioral concepts used in, 39–44; case 100–105; mindfulness and, 69, 135–137;
example of, 36–37; CBT distinguished from, painful emotions and, 135–149; positive
7–8; communication styles in, 53–58; emotions and, 151–161; skills training in, 15;
consultation team in, 16–17, 178; DBT Skills WATCH acronym for, 149
Use Diary, 179–181; descriptive overview emotional self, 98
of, 7–8; dialectical strategies used in, emotional vulnerability, 9
58–60; dialectical theory of, 14–15; flexible emotions: acceptance of, 137, 139; articulating
use of, 2–3, 17; focusing on skills in, 177; unverbalized, 56; automatic thoughts and,
four components of, 15–17; goal setting in, 128–130; behaviors connected to, 123–127;
61–63; individual therapy in, 16; judgments communicating through, 123; effectiveness
and nonjudgments in, 87–95; mental noting and, 151–154; explaining to clients, 121–122;
used in, 85–86; mindfulness practice in, facial expressions and, 123, 161; as full-
67–84; origins and development of, 1; system response, 121; inability to regulate,
research on efficacy of, 17–19; resources 9–10; information provided by, 123;
about, 178; skills training group in, 15–16; judgments related to, 88–89, 92; list of
stages of treatment in, 29–31, 37–38; words for, 131–132; mentally noting, 86, 99;
suggestions for practicing, 177–178; messages received about, 137–138;
telephone consultation in, 16; termination mindfulness of, 82–83, 135–137; motivation
of, 64 related to, 122–123; naming or labeling,
dialectical strategies, 58–60; making lemonade 130–133; positive experiences and, 154–159;
out of lemons, 60; playing the devil’s primary and secondary, 138; self-validation
advocate, 58–59; using metaphors, 59–60 of, 137–140; shaping the expression of, 42;
dialectical thinking, 14–15, 172 skills for regulating, 15; thoughts connected
dialectical/transactional models, 12–13 to, 123–127; urges attached to, 144–148;
dialectics, principles of, 14 WATCH acronym for managing, 149;
dietary improvements, 104 worksheet on experiencing, 126–127. See also
distress tolerance skills, 16, 107–120; coping painful emotions; positive emotions
ahead, 118–120; cost-benefit analysis, Emotions List handout, 131–132
108–111; crisis survival skills, 111–117; ending therapy sessions, 64
identifying problem behaviors, 107; environments, invalidating, 10–12, 23
managing urges, 117–118 exercise, benefits of, 104–105
drug use, 103 explicit verbal validation, 57
external events, 86
E
eating disorders: addressing in therapy, 104; F
biosocial theory applied to, 13; therapist facial expressions: emotions communicated
self-disclosure about, 55 through, 123; judgments expressed through,
193
DBT Made Simple
93; positive feelings and, 161; validation H

through, 57 half smile, 161
families: invalidating environments in, 10–12; handouts: Emotions List, 131–132; Formal
suicidal patients and DBT for, 19 Mindfulness Practices, 75; Steps to
fear: list of words describing, 132; motivation Managing Your Urges, 118. See also forms
related to, 122–123. See also anxiety and worksheets
feelings. See emotions happiness: list of words describing, 131;
flexibility, 178 societal emphasis on, 138–139. See also
focusing: in mindfulness practice, 80–81; on positive emotions
the present moment, 100; on words or highly sensitive person, 9
thoughts, 75 homework, 63
forgiveness, 144
formal mindfulness practices, 73–74, 75, 76 I
forms and worksheets: Acting Opposite to
illness, physical, 102–103
Urges Worksheet, 147–148; Behavior
implicit functional validation, 57
Analysis Form, 50–51; Behavior Tracking
individual therapy, 16; Behavior Tracking
Sheet, 32–33; Communication Styles Quiz,
Sheet, 29, 32–35; case example of
165–166; Cost-Benefit Analysis Worksheet,
conducting, 36–37; communication styles
109–110; DBT Skills Use Diary, 179–181;
in, 53–58; DBT assumptions about, 21–24;
Getting to Know Your Emotions, 126–127;
reducing therapist burnout in, 25–28; stages
Goal Setting Worksheet, 157–158;
of treatment in, 29–31, 37–38
Judgmental Thoughts Tracking Sheet,
informal mindfulness practices, 73–74, 76, 77
90–91; Mindfulness Tracking Sheet, 77. See
information: obtaining in relationships, 171;
also handouts
provided by emotions, 123
full-system response, 121
intense sensations, 115
future: present reality vs., 143; worrying vs.
intermittent reinforcement, 40
planning for, 83
internal events, 86
interpersonal effectiveness skills, 15. See also
G relationships
genuineness, 56–57 invalidating environments, 10–12, 23; abusive
Germer, Christopher, 114 homes, 12; chaotic homes, 11–12; outside
Getting to Know Your Emotions worksheet, the home, 12; poor fit in families, 11
126–127 irreverent communication, 57–58
goal setting, 61–63; disagreements about,
62–63; homework related to, 63; long-term J
goals, 153–154, 156; role of validation in,
Judgmental Thoughts Tracking Sheet, 90–91
61–62; worksheet for, 157–158
judgments, 87–95; emotions related to, 88–89,
groups, skills training, 15–16
92; form for tracking, 90–91; necessary
guilt: list of words describing, 132; shame
types of, 93; prevalence of, 87; problems
related to, 133; urges attached to, 145
with, 87–93; process of working with,
194
Index
94–95; self-directed, 92–93; wordless, 93. problems helped by, 68–71; therapist
See also nonjudgment practice of, 67, 78
Mindfulness Tracking Sheet, 76, 77
L modeling, 42–43
labeling emotions, 130–133 monkey mind analogy, 72
learned behaviors, 93 mood-altering substances, 103
lemonade-out-of-lemons strategy, 60 morals and values, 171
life: behaviors interfering with, 30; being motivation, 122–123, 155
effective in, 151–154; mindful engagement multitasking, 82
in, 70
lifestyle issues, 100–105; exercise, 104–105; N
nutrition, 104; physical illness, 102–103; naming emotions, 130–133
sleep, 101–102; substance use, 103 negative consequences, 41
limits, observing, 25–27 negative judgments, 88
Linehan, Marsha, 1, 2, 16, 58, 60, 178 negative reinforcement, 40
listening: mindful, 172; validation by, 56 negotiating, 170–171
long-term goals, 153–154, 156 neutral statements, 94–95
love, words describing, 132 neutral thoughts, 116–117
nonjudgment: acceptance as, 141; teaching the
M skill of, 87, 94; turning judgments into,
managing urges, 117–118 94–95; validating for clients, 95. See also
mastery, building, 159 judgments
meditation: problems with term, 68. See also nutritional improvements, 104
mindfulness
memory, improving, 70 O
mental health days, 117 observing: formal practices of, 75; mental
mental noting, 85–86, 99 noting and, 85–86
metaphors: related to mindfulness, 72–73; openness, attitude of, 160, 172
using in therapy, 59–60 oppositional defiant disorder, 19
mind: being the gatekeeper of, 75; taking
control of, 68–69 P
mindfulness, 15, 67–84; acceptance and, 68, painful emotions, 135–149; accepting reality
69, 100; analogies for teaching, 72–73; and, 140–144; mindfulness for reducing,
client problems with, 79–83; definition of, 135–137; self-validation and, 137–140; urges
67–68; emotions and, 82–83, 135–137; attached to, 144–148; WATCH acronym
explaining to clients, 68–71; formal and for, 149. See also positive emotions
informal, 73–76; helping clients with, 78, 85; passive communication, 167
how to practice, 71–78; listening based on, passive-aggressive communication, 168
172; log for practicing, 76, 77; mental noting patients. See clients
and, 85–86; nonjudgment and, 87–95;
195
DBT Made Simple
personality disorders: biosocial theory applied reciprocal communication, 53–57; self-

to, 13; research on efficacy of DBT for, disclosure and, 54–55; validation and, 55–57
18–19 reflection process, 56
phone consultations, 16, 27 reframing, 112–113
physical abuse, 12 reinforcement, 40–41; points to remember
physical illness, 102–103 about, 41; types of, 40
planning for the future, 83 relationships, 163–176; assertiveness in, 169–
pleasurable activities, 154–155 174; communication styles in, 164–168;
poor fit in families, 11 creating balance in, 174; deepening or
positive consequences, 41–42 developing, 175; importance of, 163;
positive emotions, 151–161; being mindful of, maintenance of, 173; skills training for, 15;
136; benefits of, 151; building mastery and, social support and, 163–164
159; effectiveness related to, 151–154; half relaxation, 71
smile and, 161; long-term goal setting and, requests, assertive, 170
156–158; pleasurable activities and, 154– research: on benefits of mindfulness, 71; on
155; willingness and, 160. See also painful efficacy of DBT, 17–19
emotions RESISTT acronym, 111, 120
positive experiences, 154–159 Rogers, Carl, 54
positive judgments, 88
positive reinforcement, 40 S
post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD): sadness: list of words describing, 131; urges
research on DBT for, 19; treatment stage for attached to, 145. See also depression
reducing, 29, 37 secondary emotions, 138
present-moment awareness, 68, 100 self-control, 70
pretreatment stage, 29 self-disclosure, 54–55
primary emotions, 138 self-harming behaviors: intense sensations and,
priority setting, 170 115; as life-interfering behaviors, 30;
problem-solving strategies, 44–45 research on DBT for, 19
psychotherapy. See therapy self-invalidation, 139
puppy training analogy, 72–73 self-involving self-disclosure, 54
pushing away, 115–116 self-judgments, 92–93
self-respect, 38, 172
Q self-talk, 99, 113
quality of life, 31 self-validation, 137; levels of, 139–140;
practicing, 138–139
R sessions. See therapy sessions
radical genuineness, 56–57 setting boundaries, 26
reality, accepting, 140–144 sexual abuse, 12
reasoning self, 97–98 shame: guilt related to, 133; list of words
describing, 132; urges attached to, 145
196
Index
shaping, 42 thinking: dialectical, 14–15, 172; neutral

short-term goals, 154 thoughts, 116–117; three styles of, 97–98.
skills training group, 15–16 See also thoughts
sleep: balancing the amount of, 101–102; third-wave therapies, 7
during mindfulness practice, 81–82; tips for thoughts: automatic, 128–130; emotions
improving, 101–102 connected to, 123–127; judgmental, 90–91;
smile, half, 161 mindfulness of, 75; neutral, 116–117;
social anxiety, 175 suicidal, 30. See also thinking
social networking, 175 time problem, 80
social support, 163–164 tone of voice, 93
solution analysis: process of conducting, 45, transactional models, 12–13
52; sample cases illustrating, 47, 49. See also trichotillomania, 19
behavior analysis
sounds, observing, 75 U
Steps to Managing Your Urges handout, 118 understanding emotions, 139
substance use, 103 urges: acting opposite to, 144–148; steps to
suicidal individuals: DBT assumptions about, managing, 117–118
23; life-interfering behaviors of, 30; treating
family members of, 19 V
validation, 55–57; assertiveness and, 172;
T behavior analysis and, 52; definition of, 55;
taking a break, 117 goal setting and, 61–62; levels of, 56–57;
telephone consultations, 16, 27 self-, 137, 138–140; types of, 57
termination of therapy, 64 values and morals, 171
therapeutic relationship: modeling behaviors
in, 42–43; observing limits in, 25–27; W
studies demonstrating importance of, 21; WATCH acronym, 149
therapist self-disclosure in, 54–55 Weisskopf-Joelson, Edith, 138
therapists: consultation to the client by, 28; willfulness, 159–160
limits observed by, 25–27; mindfulness willingness, 160
practice of, 67, 78; reducing burnout in, wise self: description of, 98; effectiveness and,
25–28; self-disclosure by, 54–55; support 152, 154; how to access, 99–100
needed by, 24 witnessing, 85–86
therapy: assumptions about failing in, 24; worksheets. See forms and worksheets
behaviors interfering with, 30–31. See also worrying about the future, 83, 143
dialectical behavior therapy
therapy sessions: observing limits on, 27;
preparing for individual, 21–38; strategies
for conducting, 53–64; tapering process for,
64
197
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A Step-by-Step
DBT made simple

Everything You Need to Know About DBT Guide to Dialectical
in a Practical, Accessible Format Behavior Therapy
O riginally developed for the treatment of borderline personality disorder, dialectical
behavior therapy (DBT) is a powerful, evidence-based treatment for mental health
conditions in which clients struggle with emotion regulation, such as bipolar disorder, anger
problems, depression, and anxiety.
DBT
DBT Made Simple will provide you with everything you need to begin using DBT techniques
in your therapy sessions. After briefly covering the theory and research behind DBT and
how DBT differs from traditional cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) approaches, this
book focuses on strategies that you can use in individual client sessions, while outlining the
four core skills that form the backbone of DBT: distress tolerance, mindfulness, emotion
regulation, and interpersonal effectiveness. Also included are handouts, case examples, and
samples of therapist-client dialogue.
You’ll find everything you need to equip your clients with effective and
life-changing skills:
made simple
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Dialectical Behavior Therapy

A Step-by-Step Guide to
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“DBT Made Simple is an incredibly useful book that distills key elements
of DBT into a clear, concise, and practical guide. Illuminating clinical
examples bring to life several DBT strategies and principles, and prac-
titioners will appreciate the many useful forms and handouts provided
in this book. I recommend this book to students and mental health A quick-start guide to help clients
professionals seeking a concise, practical introduction to DBT.”
—ALEXANDER L. CHAPMAN, PHD, RPSYCH, author of UÊConnect with the present moment ÊUÊÊBalance emotions
The Borderline Personality Disorder Survival Guide UÊManage crises ÊUÊÊImprove relationships
SHERI VAN DIJK, MSW, is a mental health therapist in private
practice and at Southlake Regional Health Centre in Newmar-
ket, ON, Canada. She is the author of The Dialectical Behavior
VAN DIJK
Therapy Skills Workbook for Bipolar Disorder and Don’t Let Your Emotions
Run Your Life for Teens.
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newharbingerpublications, inc.
www.newharbinger.com SHERI VAN DIJK, MSW
Also available as an e-book at newharbinger.com

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“DBT Made Simple is an incredibly useful book that distills key elements of DBT into a clear, concise,

SHERI VAN DIJK, MSW

New Harbinger Publications, Inc.

Distributed in Canada by Raincoast Books

Copyright © 2012 by Sheri Van Dijk

Cover design by Amy Shoup

All Rights Reserved

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

Second, I would like to dedicate this book to my clients.

2 Preparing for the Individual Session: What You Need to Know . . . . . . . . 21

4 DBT Strategies for the Individual Session . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 53

6 Additional Skills for Mindfulness . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 85

7 Helping Clients Reduce Emotional Reactivity . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 97

8 Helping Clients Survive a Crisis: Distress Tolerance Skills . . . . . . . . . 107

9 What Clients Need to Know about Emotions . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 121

10 Skills to Help Clients Regulate Emotions: Reducing Painful Emotions . . . . 135

11 Skills to Help Clients Regulate Emotions: Increasing Positive Emotions . . . 151

12 Helping Clients Become More Effective in Relationships . . . . . . . . . . 163

Conclusion: Putting It All Together . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 177

THE PURPOSE OF THIS BOOK

WHO THIS BOOK IS WRITTEN FOR

WHO DBT WORKS FOR

THE FORMAT OF THIS BOOK

The Basics of DBT

WHAT IS EMOTION DYSREGULATION?

Inability to Regulate Emotions

THE BIOSOCIAL THEORY OF BORDERLINE

The Invalidating Environment

THE POOR FIT

THE CHAOTIC HOME

THE ABUSIVE HOME

OTHER INVALIDATING ENVIRONMENTS

Applying the Biosocial Theory to Other Disorders

THE DIALECTICAL THEORY OF DBT

UÊ Everything is interconnected or interrelated. This idea helps us understand the impor-

THE DBT MODEL

Skills Training Group

BEING FLEXIBLE WITH DBT

RESEARCH ON DBT FOR BPD

DBT for Borderline Personality Disorder

DBT for Other Psychiatric Disorders

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Preparing for the

Clients Are Doing Their Best

Clients Want to Get Better

Clients Need to Work Harder and Be More

Even If Clients Didn’t Create Their Problems,

The Lives of Suicidal Clients Are Unbearable

Clients Need to Learn How to Act Skillfully

Clients Cannot Fail in Psychotherapy

Therapists Treating Clients with Emotion

REDUCING THERAPIST BURNOUT WITH DBT

SETTING BOUNDARIES VS. OBSERVING LIMITS

HOW TO OBSERVE YOUR LIMITS

WHAT TO DO WITH YOUR LIMITS

Consultation to the Client

Pretreatment Stage: Orientation and Commitment

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