FEBRUARY 2014

ISSUE 31

48

 CIRCUS  BAR P.66

MAXIMUS P.14 Check out the Top 10
Boost your vocabulary, best Aussie bars to
meet the surfers pick-up, plus Hendrick’s
taking on mental Gin Global Ambassador
illness, and learn David Piper recounts
why the saltie is the his recent adventure
ultimate predator. into the jungles of
Venezuela.
 MAXIM 14 24 26 28
MOUTH P.26  HEALTH +
Mark Donaldson VC is FITNESS P.72
one of Australia’s few UFC super-coach and
living war heroes nutrition expert Mike
(though he’s far too
32 Dolce dishes out some
modest to admit it). fitness advice and also
Find out what he loves shares some of his
about the greatest most popular recipes.
country in the world. Plus, Winter Olympian
Scotty James tells us
 SHERIDYN, what it takes to get
ELLIE, RENEE 56 into peak condition.

P.32  TRAVEL P.80

With over two million Last month it was
fans across Facebook, Vegas. This month
Instagram, and it’s California, with a
Twitter, Sheridyn specific focus on West
Fisher, Ellie Gonsalves, Hollywood and Santa
and Renee Somerfield Monica. Less strippers,
are Australia’s queens sure, but way more
of social media. They burgers and booze.
also happen to be this
month’s dynamite
cover trio. #LIKE! 67  THE BEST
DIVE BARS IN
 THE MAXIM AMERICA P.88
RPM AWARDS It’s the list you never
asked for but you just
P.48 know will come in handy
Seventeen cars that’ll next time you’re in the
really rev your engine, United States.
from 373kW family
sedans to supercars
that roar all the way
 RATED P.94
The real Wolf of
past 350km/h.
Wall Street imparts
 MEAT 72 some alpha life advice,
while hip-hop wizard
DISPOSITION: Swizz Beatz talks
THE MAXIM BBQ about the time he
SPECIAL P.56 met Michael Jackson.
Ten pages about the
art of cooking cow,
104  24 HOURS
pig, fish, lamb, and TO LIVE P.114
chicken. Also features Dead or alive, Joel
cameos from various 88 Kinnaman, who
beers and a brief plays the titular
history of burgers. role in Robocop,
Apologies to vegans. 80 114 is coming with us.

10 MAXIM.COM.AU
 MAXIM AUSTRALIA
PHONE +612-7900-6786
MAIL PO Box 230, Double Bay NSW 1360
EMAIL [email protected]
WEB www.maxim.com.au
FACEBOOK www.facebook.com/maximau
TWITTER www.twitter.com/maxim_aus
COVER PHOTO: NEIL DIXON
INSTAGRAM @maxim_aus

STUFF THAT KEPT US SANE THIS MONTH... EDITORIAL

AUSSIE HOTTIES, ASHES TRIUMPH, AND A WALK TO REMEMBER

EDITOR-IN-CHIEF
Santi Pintado ([email protected])
ASSOCIATE EDITOR
Daniel Steiner ([email protected])
ART DIRECTOR
Luke Shaddock ([email protected])

GROOMING EDITOR Shonagh Walker

MOTORING Bill Varetimidis
GAMING & TECH Chris Stead
STAFF PHOTOGRAPHER Wayne Daniels

CONTRIBUTORS
Susan Butler, Patrick Carone, Paul Carter, Mike Dolce, Wade Huffman, Scotty James,
Ethan Jenkins, Linda Krestanova, Laura Leu, Adam Lineham, Paul Maric, Krista Pilla,
Stephanie Radvan, Kristen Sekinger, Christie Sharpe, Stacey Skulnik
PHOTOGRAPHERS
Luke and Santi at the cover shoot. Words cannot express the envy. Aquabumps, Joel Coleman, Neil Dixon, Sasha Eisenman, Jonathon Kambouris, Marley Kate,
Stefan Maric, Charles Masters, Chris McPherson, Jennifer Rocholl, Emily Shur
ILLUSTRATORS
Racio, Tin Salamunic

ADVERTISING
NATIONAL ADVERTISING MANAGER
Drew Haywood ([email protected])
ACCOUNT MANAGER
Gian Reyes ([email protected])

NUCLEAR MEDIA
MANAGING DIRECTOR: Michael Downs
The MAXIM team take a hike in Griffith I like to ride my bicycle. I like to ride MARKETING DIRECTOR: Natalie Downs
Park, LA. Yes, Dan loves that hat. my bike... especially in Santa Monica.
MAXIM Australia is published in Australia and New Zealand by Nuclear Enterprises Pty Ltd, trading as Nuclear
Media. ABN 88 241 311 732. PO Box 230, Double Bay NSW 1360. +612-7900-6786. [email protected].
Distributed by Gordon & Gotch, 1300-650-666. No part of this magazine may be reproduced without the written
consent of Nuclear Media. No responsibility is accepted for accuracy of advertisements or information. Opinions
voiced in MAXIM Australia are the opinions of the writers and may not reflect the opinions of Nuclear Media.
Any editorial submissions to MAXIM Australia become the property of Nuclear Media. ISSN 1839 0641.

ALPHA MEDIA GROUP

PRESIDENT: Ben Madden
CHIEF OPERATING OFFICER: David Simcox
MAXIM WORLDWIDE BRAND LICENSING
INTERNATIONAL PUBLISHING MANAGER: Stephanie Marino
INTERNATIONAL EDITORIAL DIRECTOR: Simon Clays
SR. INTERNATIONAL OPERATIONS MANAGER: Pauline Lam
Candice Falzon and Ashes hero Gian gets friendzoned at the launch INTERNATIONAL RIGHTS CO-ORDINATOR: Jeff Whitacre
Dave Warner dropped by for a chat. of the all-new Ford Mustang.

MEDIA NETWORK EDITORS IN CHIEF

AUSTRALIA
Santi Pintado

AUSTRIA INDIA RUSSIA THAILAND

Boris Etter Vivek Pareek Sasha Malenkov Surawong Kruaefan
BULGARIA INDONESIA SOUTH AFRICA UKRAINE
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Alpha Media Group Inc. All rights reserved. The United States edition of Maxim is published monthly by Alpha Media Publishing, Inc. 415 Madison Avenue, New York, NY 10017. For international publishing or licensing inquiries: [email protected]

12 MAXIM.COM.AU
M
15
 C IR C U S M A X I M U S

Some people
gave me such
a hard time
for posting
swimsuit pics
o n T w i t t e r.
Sorry I’m
not posting
pictures when Swim top
Basta
I’m reading Swim bottom
a book. Mikoh

(right)
Swim top
Basta
Swim bottom
Mikoh
Shoes
Manolo Blahnik

(opening spread)
Bikini
Triangl
Gloves
Gaspar

16 MAXIM.COM.AU
 or most of our lives, we were familiar

F
with only one Gretzky: the one who is
universally considered the best hockey
player in history. Then, in 2011,
thanks to a tiny bikini and Twitter,
a far more scintillating one captured our
attention in his gorgeous daughter Paulina.
After a brief break from the social media
spotlight (partly thanks to a little chat with
Dad), the model is back to heat up MAXIM.

You recently got engaged to People on the Internet always

PGA star Dustin Johnson. Is find something to complain
your dad excited to welcome about. But at least they’ll be
another athlete to the family? happy to see this shoot! I’m
My dad loves playing golf, living my life. I don’t take the
so it’s certainly a plus. time to think, ‘OK, should I post
the photo that has my boobs
Are you more into hockey in it or the one where I’m in a
or golf these days? turtleneck?’ If I like the picture,
I’ve been playing golf since I post it – simple as that.
I was 12, but I’m more of the
type to say, “I’ll come watch for Do you have any tips for
a bit”, rather than wake up at guys who are looking to gain
dawn to hit the course. I’m still more Instagram followers?
a huge hockey fan, and if I’m Ha! I’m the wrong person to
in a city where there’s a game ask! Some of my guy friends
going on, you can count me in. will ask me to give them
I grew up at hockey games and a shout-out, and I’m like,
was fortunate enough to watch “You don’t understand. All
my dad play for the LA Kings my followers are men,
and in the 1998 Olympics. and I don’t
think
Potentially heated question they
but do you consider yourself are
more American or Canadian? going
I know where my dad is from, to
and I know how much he
means to Canada, but
I’m American. I grew up
in California. These days
I basically split my time
between LA, where my
family is, and Florida,
where my fiancé is based.

That would explain why

you’re always in a bikini. follow you.” I wish more
Exactly! Some people gave me women followed me, though.
such a hard time for posting
all these swimsuit pics on For those folks who don’t WORDS: STEPAHANIE
Twitter. I’m sorry, I’m not posting follow you on social media yet, RADVAN; PHOTOS: EMILY
SHUR; STYLING: ZOE
pictures when I’m reading a what are you up to these days? GLASSNER/CELESTINE
book. I feel like social media The past few months have AGENCY; HAIR: KRISTIN
HEITKOTTER/CELESTINE
is supposed to be for fun – been about spending time AGENCY USING ORIBE;
to share what you’re doing with Dustin. We keep things MAKE-UP: ALEXIS SWAIN/
CELESTINE AGENCY;
when you’re enjoying life. pretty chill – cooking or going MANICURE: TRACEY
out on the boat. Oh, except for SUTTER/CLOUTIER REMIX.

Ironically, there seem to be when we took my brother to

a lot of online complaints celebrate his 21st birthday in
that your photos have Vegas. We hopped on a plane
become more conservative. right after my MAXIM shoot!

MAXIM.COM.AU 17
 C IR C U S M A X I M U S

Pellucid Gobemouche

W rd up
(puh’loosud) (gobuh’moosh)
A BEAUTIFUL CREDULOUS.
WORD FROM FROM THE
THE LATIN FRENCH GOBER
PELLUCIDUS, – ‘TO SWALLOW’
MEANING AND MOUCHE –
Susan Butler, publisher and editor of the Macquarie ‘TRANSPARENT’ ‘A FLY’ – FROM
(PER MEANING THE IDEA THAT
Dictionary, is here to help boost your vocab in 2014 ‘RIGHT SUCH PEOPLE
THROUGH’ ARE ALWAYS
AND LUCIDUS WALKING
MEANING AROUND WITH
Alameda Rubicund Pulchritude Jejune ‘SHINING’). THEIR MOUTHS
(aluh'mayduh) (‘roobuhkund) (‘pulkruhtyood) (juh’joon) The ocean is WIDE OPEN IN
SHADED PATH RED. GLOWING BEAUTY. BORING. pellucid; the ASTONISHMENT.
What a beautiful AND HOT. What we want in I find his speeches clear pool can be She will believe
alameda you have So many fine the women of the to be jejune! pellucid; someone’s anything you tell her.
in your garden! meals and fine day is a genuine arguments can So gobemouche!
wines consumed pulchritude, be pellucid.
Meretricious – and what a rather than slavish
(meruh’trishus) rubicund face. adherence to fashion.
The 6th edition of
INSINCERE. the Macquarie Hagiographic
His sympathy Dictionary is
out now
Louche (hageeo’grafick)
was entirely (loosh) ADULATORY.
meretricious. Adumbrative Pettifogging SINISTER AND HAGIOGRAPHY IS
(uh’dumbruhtiv) (‘peteefogging) DISREPUTABLE. THE WRITING UP
Purulent SHADOWING MEAN, Exequies FROM THE OF THE LIVES OF
(‘pyooruhlunt) FORTH. DISHONEST, (‘eksuhkweez) FRENCH WORD THE SAINTS.
LITERALLY, INDICATIVE. TRIVIALISING. FUNERAL RITES. MEANING Her hagiographic
OOZING PUS. These ideas are Cease this time wasting Let us conduct the ‘CROSS-EYED’. review betrayed
Politics descending adumbrative of my and pettifoggging exequies over this I find him a bit scary her partisan
to purulent invective. major research. interference! project. It didn’t work. – rather louche. support.

Luckily, the face

paint is SPF 30+

Survive a Music Festival

Kiss frontman Paul Stanley helps
you enjoy your time in the mosh
PACK WISELY DON’T BE A DICK
“Don’t go anywhere without “You want to get your money’s
hand sanitiser, condoms, worth, so don’t throw shit at
and breath mints.” the stage. Also, let the people
who are paid to sing do the
PICK A PARTNER singing. And if you want to
“Don’t go with a large group. do your ’60s freak dance
A festival is not a time to see or some flower-child thing,
democracy in action; it’s a move to the side.”
time for you and one person
to agree on a strategy.” SCORE A BACKSTAGE PASS
“Other than the photos
FIND THE TURNTABLES of people dancing in the
ILLUSTRATION: TIN SALAMUNIC

“Some bands don’t bring their mud with hot topless chicks,
all to festivals, so look for a the festival scene looks
tent with a DJ. There should miserable. So if you’re not in
be a lot of ecstasy in there, the front row, try to convince
and from what I understand, one of those hot girls to
even a dog passing gas wrangle a backstage pass
sounds good on those drugs.” for each of you.”

18 MAXIM.COM.AU
 C IR C U S M A X I M U S

Grant Treblico,
co-founder of
Onewave, tells
the origin story of the
non-profit that looks
to improve your mood
through surfing

What is Onewave?
The whole idea is that we surf
the funk away. The main goal is
to raise awareness for people
who are going through a funk,
whether that be depression,

PHOTOS: AQUABUMPS
bipolar, anxiety, a bad break-up, we’ve got each other’s backs. and hang out and have a laugh.
a rough week at work. The whole
idea behind our name is that we You don’t want to do anything What’s your story?
focus on getting people in the when you’re depressed, so Me and a friend, Sam, started
ocean and teaching them how that must be a challenge. Onewave. The reason I wanted
to surf – dragging them out of That’s right. I’ve been there, to do something is because
bed when they’re going through man. You’re just stuck in your my dad has bipolar, and I
a rough patch and helping them bedroom. But once you get out suffered from depression and to change. It got to a point, two
catch that one wave that gets the there with your mates you realise anxiety for years but never did years ago, when I was overseas
positive vibes going again. And I how good it feels to be around anything about it because I for work and I suffered really
want people to know that it’s OK people. And you don’t have to didn’t want my friends to look bad depression and anxiety
to have a mental illness. We don’t talk about your problems unless at me differently. That stigma is and almost didn’t make it
take things too seriously, plus you want to. We just have a surf something we’d ultimately like back. I got home and realised I

The whole idea is that we

s u r f t h e f u n k a w a y. I t ’s
about catching that one
wave that gets the positive
vibes going again.
20 MAXIM.COM.AU
 [Grant was raised in NZ], where
I pretty much just hung out and
surfed with family and friends.
That’s what got me through and
I want others to experience that.

Is there a forum to chat if

people want to?
For sure. Some people will have
a yarn when we’re out in the
surf. Since I’m open about my
story, people share with me.
Sometimes a group of us will onesies – and that evolved
go for coffee and breakfast into Fluro Fridays. That’s been
and have a chat. happening for the last few
months in South Bondi and
needed to do something. I saw a Tell us about Fluro Fridays, North Steyne, in Manly. Basically,
psychiatrist and got diagnosed which is kinda your trademark. we roll up at 6:30am in the
with depression. They put me on This initially began as a board loudest outfits possible, put zinc
antidepressants but it turned out meeting at Bondi. Over the on each other, welcome any
to be the wrong diagnosis and next three weeks new members, then get
I ended up in hospital, where we added some out there. Where do you see Onewave
I was then diagnosed with fluoro and going in the future?
bipolar. I had to quit zinc and My mate Sam, who I co-founded
my job, so I went Onewave with, has been
back to New travelling and he’s held sessions
Zealand in Maui, Venice Beach, Newport,
New York, and Sweden. It’s
taken place in New Zealand as
well. We’re happy for people to
take the concept and run with
it – get some friends, get some
outfits, and start up your own
Fluro Friday. As we get right into
summer, Sam and I will visit more
beaches around Australia.
Daniel Steiner

Catch the wave:

Instagram:
@onewaveisallittakes
Facebook: facebook.
com/onewaveisallittakes

MAXIM.COM.AU 21
 C IR C U S M A X I M U S

Take surf photos

WITH YOUR SMARTPHONE

Thanks to Aussie ocean photographer Joel

Coleman, you can leave the SLR at home
and nail the waterside action with your phone
A 30m plunge in
Wadi Shab,
GO WIDE APP-Y SNAPS
1 Oman. He’s 2
Getting
actually stilla close-up Download a good camera
descending app that allows you to take SECRET LENS BUSINESS
3 PLAY IT STRAIGHT
photograph of sports/surf action
4
with a phone can be difficult. It control of the shutter speed Keep your horizons Get a good lens cleaning
is often better to look for wider in the camera. This will allow straight. Nothing says cloth and keep it in your
angles – try and compose you to capture the best action ‘amateur photographer’ pocket (don’t use the end
an entire scene that includes shot with much sharper more than a crooked horizon. of your T-shirt). Keeping the
some surf and the surrounding results. ‘Nokia Pro Camera’, Most phones have a ‘grid’ lens on your phone clean
environment to tell a story. Of for Windows-based phones feature that overlays on will have a dramatic effect
course, if you can get right up such as the Nokia Lumia 1020 the screen to make lining on the quality of your
next to the surfer, go for it. [pictured], is a good start. up horizons easier. photographs.

For more about

Joel: saltmotion.
com/joel-coleman

22 MAXIM.COM.AU
 D
MAARE
XIM
Can We Create a Best-
Selling Taco Bell Gut Bomb?
Taco Bell dared our US counterparts to invent a menu
item in its test kitchen. They immediately regretted it
1 2

The crunchy shells, with, from the three kinds of

gooey cheese, and Doritos-dusted taco shells
sweet meat from Taco Bell to the many different types
(bring it back to Australia, for of meat to the huge variety
f–k’s sake!) may not constitute of sauces and toppings. I 1. Patrick presents a compelling argument for keeping
a gourmet meal, but I’ll be scrubbed my hands, threw sour cream guns off the streets.
2.What culinary delight would be complete without a generous
damned if there’s anything I’d on gloves, and got to work. helping of unfathomably hot ghost pepper powder?
rather stuff in my fat face at I had no plan for my menu 3. Meet (or is it “meat”?) Patrick’s work of insides-busting
art: the Flamin’ Hot Triple Taco MAXIM-stravaganza!
2am. So you can only imagine item. Like a taco-meat-loving 4.Taco Bell’s higher-ups look upon our creation in abject horror.
my joy when I was dared to Mozart, I figured I’d find divine
WORDS: PATRICK CARONE; PHOTOS: CHRIS MCPHERSON

go to the fast-food giant’s inspiration from the ingredients. stravaganza and took a huge she explained. “A typical taco
corporate headquarters to And, boy, did I! First I crammed bite. Delicious! When I showed takes 13 seconds; you took
create my own menu item. three different shells with it to Liz, however, she looked five minutes.” Well, at least the
After arriving at the building meats (beef, chicken, and more less than enthused. name’s cool… right? “It’s a lot
– in a nondescript office park beef). Then I put three different “We were going to put of words to say at the drive-
in Irvine, California – I met Liz sauces on each of them – and your product in front of our through. Sorry.”
Matthews, the company’s chief topped ’em all with cheese, consumers,” she said, “but Unfortunately, it seems that
food innovation officer. She sour cream, ghost pepper I feel like we just can’t.” the Flamin’ Hot Triple Taco
showed me to a classroom powder, and Flamin’ Hot Fritos. Ouch. But why? “It’s really not MAXIM-stravaganza won’t be
complete with stadium-style Finally, to complete my meaty portable, and there are a lot of making it to a Taco Bell in the
seating and the same exact symphony, I wrapped the whole flavours going on.” Is that the US anytime soon. Like Icarus
kitchen as every Taco Bell thing in two giant tortillas. I only problem? Of course not. of Greek mythology, I flew just
the world over. I saw all the named my masterpiece the “We do things pretty fast, and a little too close to the sun (or,
ingredients I had to work Flamin’ Hot Triple Taco MAXIM- that took a long time to build,” in this case, the heat lamps).

MAXIM.COM.AU 23
 C IR C U S M A X I M U S

T R U E TA L E S O F B A D D R U G T R I P S T H AT W I L L M A K E YO U

EXHIBIT
A
KEY
Bodily Fluids

Crazy Talk

Flicking the
Coffee Bean Just the Tip Death by Chocolate
Delusions

In November 2012, a Florida When police were called to an Michigan police officer Edward
woman, apparently high on apartment complex near the Sanchez took a bite out of
Blown Cash crack cocaine, was craving University of Florida campus in crime – literally – when he and
overpriced coffee and a really April, they found God, and, his wife ate pot brownies they
awkward orgasm, so she boy, was he f–ked up. Michael baked using confiscated
walked into a Starbucks and Silecchia told cops he was the marijuana in April 2006. We
started masturbating. Cops Lord Almighty after removing know this because he called
Florida say they witnessed Jennifer all his clothes and saying, 911 to report that they were
Piranian, 29, putting her “Don’t cut my penis off”, then “having an overdose” on them.
“hands into her pants” while quickly changing his mind and “We made brownies, and I
“wigging out.” But horny ol’ Jen saying, “Cut my penis off.” If it think we’re dead,” Sanchez
had an explanation: She was wasn’t completely obvious, he told the operator. “Time is
Nudity
just hanging out at Starbucks, also told them he had taken going by really, really, really,
waiting to go to the hospital a hit of LSD, then drove home really slow.” EMS [Emergency
because she had some kind that point by allegedly Medical Services] took the
of spider bite (apparently on punching a cop in the head. couple to the hospital and
Pain her clitoris). They arrested Officers attempted to subdue they were released the next
her after searching her bag the 19-year-old student by morning The incident forced
and finding a crack pipe with zapping him six times with the 28-year-old officer to
cocaine residue. Odd, since a Taser, thus breaking the 11th resign from his position, which
most people who get off in Commandment, “Thou shalt unfortunately means he needs
Sex Starbucks are just buzzed not tase God, bro.” a new weed hookup.
on caramel macchiatos.

24 MAXIM.COM.AU
“J U S T S A Y N O ” T O G E T T I N G H I G H W I T H A F U L L B L A D D E R

Once Bitten,
Graphic Art Huff It Out Crude Awakening Twice High

Some art “speaks” to people. James Crittenden was sleepy In July 2012, Florida teenager On a Massachusetts campsite
And if you’re high on bath salts, one afternoon last July, so he Steve Tilbury fell asleep after in August 2012, lovebirds
it may tell you to use it as a went to the ValuMarket in chomping down some magic Amanda Norcia and Brendon
toilet. Such was the case for Louisville, Kentucky, bypassed mushrooms. When he woke up, Gibson got together to drop
Carmen Tisch, 36, who snorted the coffee section, and, police he was still tripping balls and acid, then pants. It was pretty
bath salts and spent the say, sat down in an aisle to huff thought he was having a romantic until Gibson, 24,
afternoon at a Denver museum 10 cans of whipped cream. nightmare. So in order to allegedly took a bite out of his
in December 2011. A security When cops arrived, he offered “wake up”, the 17-year-old paramour’s cheek and then ran
camera caught Tisch punching to pay for the whipped cream, grabbed his parents’ off into the woods. Norcia, 20,
and scratching a $30 million which totalled $26.90, but had .22-calibre rifle and shot called the cops, who found her
painting by abstract only $7 in his pocket. He then himself in the forehead. That flesh-eating boyfriend in the
expressionist Clyfford Still, told them through slurred did the job, but it also made woods, naked and covered in
and then, as her pièce de speech that he was just trying a terrible mess, and Tilbury feces. He was tasered twice,
résistance, she pulled down to “wake up” and that “the US spent the remainder of his high pepper-sprayed, and arrested.
her pants and rubbed her arse Constitution allowed [him] the cleaning up blood before Worst of all, he didn’t even get
against it while peeing. The authority to huff Reddi-wip.” running outside and asking to cuddle afterward.
painting suffered $10,000 in Police arrested the 36-year-old a stranger to take him to the
damages but was restored to huffer despite that fact that, hospital. Doctors were able to
its original condition. Which is like America’s Founding remove the bullet and save his
to say, it still looks like Fathers, he was just fighting life, but tragically, his vibe was
something our five-year-old for the right to party. killed in the incident.
nephew finger painted.

MAXIM.COM.AU 25
 C IR C U S M A X I M U S

If someone’s nice
enough to buy me
a beer as a way of
saying thanks, I’ll
happily accept.

26 MAXIM.COM.AU
 MA IM MOUTH

MARK
DONALDSON, VC
In 2009, Mark Donaldson became the first recipient of the nation’s highest
military honour, the Victoria Cross for Australia. As our national day draws
near, who better to interview about the greatest country in the world?
As a VC recipient and still-serving to save the interpreter? and wants to buy you a beer, what’s
member of the SAS, you’re a great There is a bit of instinct there initially. That’s your preference?
advertisement for the military. Why what’s getting you to move or act. And that’s It depends which state I’m in but I’ll always
should someone think about joining? why we train as solidly as we do – so that crack a green can [VB]. I’m not too fussed,
There’s a whole bunch of factors that could be when you find yourself in a situation like that, though – if someone’s nice enough to buy
considered. For me, I found it appealing and you’ve been there before in the training, so me a beer as a way of saying thanks, I’ll
thought I’d enjoy it. And if you enjoy what it’s not too much of a surprise. Although, it happily accept.
you’re doing, especially if it’s challenging as is a bit of a surprise when you’re ambushed
well, then you’ll strive to be good at it. You’re – don’t get me wrong there! But your brain Do you have any pieces of pop culture
exposed to a lot of values and morals that starts ticking over and you run through the about war that you admire?
build good character, too. You’re doing your processes that will improve the situation. A lot I’m partial to Black Hawk Down – that’s a
job and it is an adventure but deeper down of it is training but I reckon it’s also common great book and movie. There are plenty of
you’ll learn life skills that will pay dividends sense. As far as the incident where I ran out really good books. There’s one by a guy named
down the track, like respect and initiative. there to pick up the interpreter, I was talking Peter Pinney called Signaller Johnston’s Secret
with my deputy team leader, I War, which is part of a trilogy.
There’s also the bonds your forge, right? made a split-second decision, Anything like that, about those
That’s right. The people that you meet and and I told him I was going. old Special Forces units back
spend time with – and I don’t think you He said, “Don’t” – in so many in WWII doing these crazy
realise it until you don’t have them around – words – and I said, “I’m going.” missions in the Asia-Pacific,
basically, you won’t find a work environment That guy was lying face down are my favourites.
like this, where you have such a close in a pool of blood and there
relationship with the guys you work with. were bullets kicking up around What’s the best advice you
him. I remember seeing it and ever received?
You don’t speculate in the book but thinking, ‘If that was me, I would It was from my Mum. She said,
where do you think you’d be if you want someone to come and help. “Don’t ever let anyone tell you that you
hadn’t enlisted? It’s a crap position to be in, so can’t do something. And don’t ever
I don’t know. I’ve got pretty good feet and I’m going to try and get him feel like you don’t have the ability
I always thought being a foot model would back to relative safety.’ to achieve whatever you want to
be a pretty easy job. But I honestly don’t do.” She probably wouldn’t have
know, man. I’d probably still be travelling Do you have any phobias? thought it at the time but that’s
around the snowfields or working on a surf I’m not a big fan of spiders. stuck with me.
tour boat in Indonesia. My next option was I wouldn’t say they scare me but
to be a deckhand over there and just see what I don’t like them. Can you leave our readers with
happened. It definitely would’ve involved some advice?
travel and adventure. What do you love most about Australia? Go and find some inspiration. Doesn’t matter
There’s so much. One thing I love is the where from, so long as you can relate to it and
For those unfamiliar with the story, you beaches – and the fact you can find a apply it somehow. Make good friendships;
won the VC for not only deliberately completely isolated beach. Another thing is build a shelter for a rainy day; learn things;
exposing yourself to enemy fire the funny characters and the yarns they’ve got keep an open mind; respect those who respect
during an ambush (in Afghanistan in to tell. In terms of the military, we go away you; and treat each day like it’s a miracle
September, 2008) in order to draw and work with a lot of similar units around because it can be taken away
attention away from wounded soldiers the world, like the Navy SEALS, and while pretty quickly. You want to
but also for later dashing into the line we don’t have the resources of these units, we leave a legacy, too – whether
of fire to retrieve a severely wounded bring an Australian attitude and approach to that’s being internationally
coalition force interpreter. Now, it’s not the party – that’s our strength. famous or in the community
like you had time to prepare, so was it or just with your own family.
just acting on instinct when you chose If one of our readers ever sees you out Daniel Steiner

The Crossroad, by Mark Donaldson VC (published by Pan Macmillan Australia), is available now in all good bookstores. RRP: $39.99.
MAXIM.COM.AU 27
 C IR C U S M A X I M U S

IN HIS CAPACITY AS ACTIVITIES MANAGER AT DARWIN’S

CROCOSAURUS COVE, WADE HUFFMAN SPENDS A HELL OF A
LOT OF TIME WITH SALTWATER CROCODILES. GET TO KNOW THE
APEX PREDATOR THAT’S EVEN FREAKIER THAN ITS FOOTWEAR
NAMESAKE WITH THIS CLUSTER OF FACTS HE’S PROVIDED

BITE FORCE a human has a bite force of so do crocodiles –

A saltwater crocodile, around 20kg. except they come from
or Crocodylus porosus, underneath, not behind.
has the biggest bite force SPEED Despite a newborn
of any animal ever (including They can swim four-times faster saltwater croc being
the T. rex). A 5.5m croc has than an Olympic swimmer – just 20-25cm long, their
a bite force of around 3.4 Thorpey in his prime included. teeth are razor-sharp.
tonnes. To put that On land, though, you can
into perspective, outrun the croc. The fastest SIZE
croc on record is a Crocs will grow about 30cm
Cuban crocodile, per year until they’re 10 years
at 17km/h. A old. Females stop growing
fit human can at that point; the males keep
reach 25km/h. growing, albeit at a slow pace.
Running in a We have a croc at the Cove
zigzag has been named Houdini – he’s 50 years
recommended but old and has grown 30cm in the
the croc will just run last decade. He’s currently 4.6m
in a straight line and long. We’ve got a couple that
catch up to you. are 5.5m long and over 800kg.
We’ve actually got the skull of
TEETH the biggest croc that was ever
Just as sharks have caught – he came in at 6.4m
renewable teeth, and weighed over a tonne.

If you think this

is scary, wait
till you see the
flying croc

Crocs have remained unchanged for between

80-to-100 million years, depending on who
you speak to. The reasons for that are their
excellent hearing, eyesight – during day or
night – and sense of smell. Even if they can’t
see, hear, or smell you, they have what are
called dermal pressure sensors, which
are on every scale of the body – there are
hundreds on the head – and are about the
size of a pinhead. They can sense vibrations
through those. It’s believed they can feel
a heartbeat in the water up to 1km away.

28 MAXIM.COM.AU
 For more info on
the Cove, visit:
crocosauruscove.
com
NUMBERS
Salties were endangered in the
’70s, when they were hunted
for their skins and as trophies.
It then became illegal to hunt
them and it’s now estimated
there are some 100,000 in
the NT alone.

DANGER
For people who live in the NT,
it’s a pretty common sense
thing not to go in the water.
There are those dermal
pressure sensors I mentioned
before and, in addition to that,
salties can hold their breath
for three hours. They can also
slow their heart rate to 5bpm.
Considering these things, and
the fact they can go a year

BIG AIR
without eating, trying to escape
by climbing up a tree is futile
– they’ll just wait you out. The
water up here can get really
murky, so a 5.5m, one-tonne If they want to go after a bird or bat on a low-hanging branch, a croc
killing machine could potentially will jump out of the water. A big one can get half to two-thirds of its body
be 10cm under the water and out of the water; 2m crocs can get all the way out. That tail is solid muscle
you’d have no idea. In other and they use it to push right out of the water.
words, swim in a pool.

DEATH ROLL
The young ones have razor-
sharp teeth; the big ones rely
more on their immense bite down in accordance with the kill each other if we didn’t there’s a 6cm, round button
force. The death roll involves sun, so their metabolism is quite separate them. It’s about safety with two nostrils on it – that’s
the croc grabbing hold of slow. Let’s say a croc eats a in numbers when crocs are its very soft nose. Hitting
you then twisting its body human. After consuming an arm young. They don’t begin getting them on that spot will
around, so it feels like you’re or a leg, it’d be quite full. From territorial until they reach about send them the other way.
inside a washing machine. there, it would stuff the carcass 1.8m, which is when they leave
You’ll become completely in a root system underwater their group (called a ‘float’) and CROCODILES OR
disorientated, take panicked and Barramundi or turtles or set out on their own. It’s quite ALLIGATORS?
breaths, breathe the water whatever would eat that rotting uncommon for a large croc to The main difference is the
in, and drown. flesh. But the croc will then eat have all four of its limbs – three- spelling! Sorry, dodgy dad
the fresh food – cleverly using and-a-half tonnes of pressure humour. The jaw structure
METABOLISM the human corpse as bait. on your leg, plus a death roll, is the major difference –
Crocs are reptiles, so they get tends to pop it right off. alligators have an overbite
a lot of their energy from the CROC VS CROC and crocs don’t, so their
sun. They heat up and cool In the park we have very large YOUR BEST DEFENCE teeth are able to kind of zip
concrete walls between the Grab a stick and bash it on the together, aiding that already
crocs. Our big males would end of the nose. On a 5m croc incredible bite force.

Made of 42mm thick acrylic and 1.5m in diameter, it can withstand

10-tonnes of crushing pressure. It goes down into the tank 11 times
a day and you get 15 minutes water time. We have seven very large
crocs at the park – you can do the Cage with five of them.
MAXIM.COM.AU 29
 C IR C U S M A X I M U S

The Attemptin
g
land speed a world
on a mons record
Wisdom bike is abs ter of a
olu
terrifying. tely

of Paul
Carter
A man who has
seen almost all
the world has
to offer – be it
good, bad, or just
plain f–ked up –
Paul Carter spent
20 years working
on oil rigs and
embracing
excess. In his
fourth book, Ride
Like Hell and
You’ll Get There,
he documents
his quest to
break the land
speed record
on a prototype
motorbike fuelled ON GETTING SHIT DONE…
PHOTO: CHRIS DOUDAKIS (MIAN IMAGE)

After turning 40, you wake up and realise: going, “You know what, champ? Stop f–king
by cooking oil. ‘Oh, f–k! I’ve only got 30 summers left… if about or you’ll either end up in a wheelchair
Seeing as he’s I’m lucky.’ It imprints this sense of urgency or killing yourself.” But I’ve got no ‘off’
led a fuller life that you aren’t 25 anymore. I would say button, so I’m going to be a really f–king
a man peaks when he’s 28: you are the grumpy 50-year-old, pissed off because
than most, we brightest, strongest, and most capable that I can no longer break land speed records
figured it made you will ever be. So the idea is to do all of or jump off cliffs. I’d love to become one of
the things that scare you and to challenge those really fit and organised 60-year-olds
sense to ask him yourself in that year. The problem is, I’m still but I drink and I smoke and I don’t watch
for some advice trying to do all that shit at 45! My body’s my diet. I don’t do drugs anymore, at least.

30 MAXIM.COM.AU
1

ON ATTEMPTING TO SET
A WORLD RECORD…
It’s absolutely terrifying. Our first biodiesel
bike was made for exploring longevity, so
that was three months of riding around
the continent on this horrible, deathtrap,
Frankenstein, homemade piece of shit 2 4
motorcycle. And she flat-out tried to kill
me. I broke bones and ribs and tore my
rotator cuff. F–k, I was busted up. Then
we decided to explore speed; how fast can
1) What Paul likes to call his “middle age
we go on biodiesel? [Paul did end up setting crisis car”. 2) At Speed Week 2013. 3) Paul
an Australian speed record on his biodiesel in the Colombian jungle in his twenties.
4) Posing with a flare offshore Russia.
bike.] That bike – 4m long, 1m wide,
weighing in at half a tonne – is terrifying.
I mean, it’s got a car engine in it. I love
speed and I love bikes but I had no idea
just how scary racing on the salt flats on a ON A FILM ADAPTATION
bike of that size could be until I did it. Then, OF HIS BOOKS…
of course, I fell off and broke my back. That The first two books were picked up by an
sounds incredibly dangerous but I fell off Aussie director named Clayton Jacobson,
– and the bike fell on top of me – when who kicked a big commercial goal with
I was in a f–king queue. Kenny. The screenplay is in its second or
3 third draft now. It will eventually go into
ON BIODIESEL… production the year after next. I’m very
There’s always something going on on the best thing that ever happened to me.” proud of how faithful they’ve kept it. In
the rigs but I gave that up to begin a life of And they talk about how it changed them terms of the dialogue, for instance, we’re
domestic bliss – and who the f–k wants to and how f–king wonderful it is. Bollocks! on a drilling rig, so people aren’t saying,
read about my irritable bowel syndrome and Having kids ruins your f–king life! All the “Excuse me, Rodney, would you mind
mortgage repayments? I decided my next shit you take for granted right now: ‘I’m passing that sledgehammer?” They’re
adventure would be to ride my bike around gonna go clubbing.’ ‘I might watch DVDs saying, “Oi, c–t! F–k!” They might have
Australia. My wife Clare said, “So what? and jack-off all day.’ You can’t do any to tone it down a bit, in fact. Something
There’s probably a thousand muppets riding of that stuff anymore. It’s over, man. All else worth mentioning is what they’ve
their bikes around Australia right now! You your priorities, every decision you make, called “The Slapper Montage”. It’s a
need to do something different. You’re the everything you purchase, everything in 12-second, speed ramped [a series of cuts
Earth-raping, eco-vandal, oil guy, so you your life – it shifts to being about whether where they speed up and then slow down
need to do it on something environmentally it’s the right thing to do for the family. And the action] sequence involving me having
friendly, and therein lies the juxtaposition it escalates from there. Between 45 and various forms of horrendous sex with really
that’ll make it appealing.” I spent 20 years 50, every single decision that I make is ugly women as a precursor to seeing my
working for companies that will squeeze going to have a direct effect on my family’s wife for the first time. And I’m like, “Guys,
children to death if they think hydrocarbons future. So, fatherhood is wonderful, but my mum’s going to see this.” It is nasty
are going to come out, so it made sense. it’s a 50-50 split between sheer horror – stuff, too – pants around the ankles, knee-
I know it’s not sustainable at the bowser but physically, mentally, and financially – and trembling, in the nightclub toilets, bent
I like diesel and biodiesel because they’re overwhelming joy. It’s like coke used to over a dumpster, backseat of a car nasty.
sustainable in other areas: taxis, trucking, be in the ’80s: F–k, it’s expensive, but Apparently I’m smoking and drinking while
public transport. We throw hundreds of god, it’s great! In short, kids are like coke. this is all going on, too. I’ll be so happy
thousands of tonnes of this shit into landfill when my son gets to see it someday.
every day. There’s a reasonably sustainable
source of the raw material and it’s very
cheap to convert that into biodiesel fuel
that needs virtually no modification from
that point on. Also, it produces 60 to 70 Paul has four books
out – all through Al
per cent fewer carbon emissions. Don’t Tell Mum len & Unwin and all
This is Not a Drill; funny as f–k
I Work on the RRP $22.99 Rid e Like Hell
ON FATHERHOOD… Rigs... She Thinks and You’ll
Everybody says to you, “Having kids is I'm a Piano Player Get There;
Is That Thing
in a Whorehouse; Diesel?; RRP RRP $22.99
RRP $22.99
$22.99
 With over two million
combined followers
on their respective
Facebook, Twitter, and
Instagram accounts,
Australia’s sexiest
social media girls,
Renee Somerfield,
Ellie Gonsalves,
and Sheridyn Fisher,
share their thoughts on
partying, dating, and
sleeping naked. LIKE!

32 MAXIM.COM.AU
MAXIM.COM.AU 33
 OW DO YOU HOW LONG HAVE YOU GIRLS DESCRIBE YOUR ULTIMATE
FEEL ABOUT KNOWN EACH OTHER? BACKYARD PARTY.
BEING THIS R: We met while working on a campaign E: I’d invite my girlfriends, DJ Havana
MONTH’S MAXIM shoot, right? Brown would be on the decks (in a bikini
COVER GIRLS? E: Yeah, we all met through work about – it’s mandatory), we would all be sipping
ELLIE (E): To three years ago. Our personalities are so on frozen margaritas, dancing, and
be on the cover similar and we just clicked straight away. swimming. Sounds like a 10 to me.
for the third time, S: I think it’s almost four years ago now? S: Yep, girls by the pool – playing on giant
especially with two Ellie and I actually met at a Playboy event inflatable swans – maybe a backyard
of my favourite girls but we also all became friends because we soccer game happening, drinks, and great
joining me for such are fellow herbivores. music! Pretty much the exact same as our
a sexy issue... I am MAXIM shoot but with more gorgeous girls
ab
absolutely lyy b
blo
lo
blown away! MAXIM is a big part IF YOU DON’T EAT MEAT, WHAT’S and some boys in boardies.
of my life
life, as a are its readers, and I am very ON YOUR BARBIE DURING THE R: Exactly. My ultimate backyard party
blessed to have such amazing support. AUSSIE SUMMER? was at this shoot. It doesn’t get any better.
RENEE (R): It’s such an honour to be R: There are so many delicious, vegan,
on the cover of my favourite Aussie men’s mock-meat alternatives. They look, taste, TELL US ABOUT THE CRAZIEST
mag, especially with two of Australia’s and smell exactly like the real thing. There NIGHT OUT YOU’VE HAD TOGETHER.
most beautiful women! I’m so excited. is nothing more gratifying than tricking E: I don’t kiss and tell. I honestly believe
SHERIDYN (S): Ditto. I had so much fun at a meat-eater with my vegan sausages, people think we have pillow fights at home
this photo shoot. Thank you for having us! hamburgers, or southern-style chicken in our lingerie, but we are really out causing
burgers. They are genuinely shocked. mischief. We are cheeky rascals.
THIS SHOOT E: Yes, there are so many options! When R: The MAXIM HOT 100 party was pretty
HAS A CLASSY, wild. When a hot
BACKYARD, bartender wearing
SUMMER THEME. minimal clothing is
WHAT DO YOU serving you endless
USUALLY WEAR drinks, it makes for
WHEN YOU’RE a pretty fun night!
HANGING S: I think we’ve
OUT IN YOUR had too many crazy
BACKYARD? nights to even
E: It depends: if I’m remember. No
by the pool I’m, of matter the event,
course, in my bikinis. we always end up in
If I’m playing with fits of laughter and
my puppy Daisy having a good time.
I’m in my cut-off
denim shorts, a WHAT IS
pair of Cons, my ONE FEATURE
hat – backwards – YOU WOULD
and a loose tee. TAKE FROM
S: Usually my soccer EACH OTHER?
shorts and a shirt, if S: What, I can’t
I’m playing with my take them all?!
dogs, or a bikini if It’s so hard to pick
I am laying out. I take them to a BBQ people always just one. I can’t decide between Ellie’s
R: My backyard and pool area ask to have some of my food because butt and her amazing abs and Renee’s
is very private. Have you ever it tastes and looks yummier! It’s also lips and legs. I wish I could be the love
noticed I don’t sport any tan lines? a kinder, healthier way to eat. child of them both.
R: I’m always telling Sheridyn I’m obsessed
WHAT WAS THE BEST PART OF WHAT’S THE BEST WAY TO with her amazing legs, and she also has
THE SHOOT? CELEBRATE AUSTRALIA DAY? the most beautiful eyes on the planet. Ellie,
S: It’s always my favourite part when R: In a green and gold bikini, of course! I am always groping. You already know
it’s us three around! Renee and Ellie are E: On the beach or by the pool in my why. A lot of men totally hate me right now.
incredible friends and we always have bikinis with friends. E: I couldn’t pick just one favourite thing
so much fun together. S: All of the above! about them. They are both flawless.
R: At the end of the day, when we all dove
into the pool and mucked around. The WHAT’S YOUR FAVOURITE THING WHAT’S YOUR BEST ASSET?
Instagram videos were very popular. ABOUT OUR FINE COUNTRY? E: My attitude.
E: Being with these two, they absolutely R: The amazing beaches, laidback lifestyle, S: My ability to remain calm in stressful
light up my life, and it’s never a dull Vegemite, wombats, and, of course, the situations. No, I’m joking, I’m the worst at
moment when we are together. We’re a hot women. I also appreciate that you that. Probably my big teeth! I used to get
very full-on bunch of girls and if people can be bikini clad all year round. called “rabbit teeth” in high school but
met us for the first time during this shoot E: The women and the beaches. then I became a Playboy Bunny and it
they’d think we were insane. S: Yep, can’t go past the beaches. was the most amazing experience of

34 MAXIM.COM.AU
Status
Update
NAME:
Ellie Gonsalves.
HOMETOWN:
Brisbane, Qld.
BIRTHDAY:
February 5, 1991.
HIDDEN TALENT:
I can sing. And I am
not talking ‘My mum
told me I can sing
really well’ – I have
seven years of vocal
training behind
me. I love it. It
relaxes me.
Maybe I’ll
come out
with a single
soon. You
never know.
PERFECT
DATE:
Disneyland.
The happiest
place on Earth.
TWITTER: @
EllieGonsalves
INSTAGRAM:
@Ellie_
Gonsalves.

MAXIM.COM.AU 35
 At t h e e n d
o f t h e d a y, w e
all dove into
the pool and
mucked
around. The
Instagram
videos were
v e r y p o p u l a r.
- Re n e e

S: Gemini, sporty, crazy, fun,

animal lover. I know that’s
six words, but you get it.
R: Pretty, funny, cute,
talented, and awesome.
Oh, gosh, please! Smack me
if I ever say that. Seriously.

WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN YOU’RE

NOT POSING FOR MAXIM?
R: Being a full-time model means I’m
always crazy busy! But when I’m not
my life. Thank you, Hef.
working, in my downtime I enjoy being at
R: I also got teased in school, but for
the beach, swimming, boating, camping,
being so skinny, so tall, and having
and 4x4ing. I just love being outdoors.
massive boobs. Who is laughing now?
S: I’m a model, actress, and am the
Creative Director for my own swimwear
DESCRIBE YOURSELF IN
label, Sheridyn Swim. I also own my own
FIVE WORDS.
production company, Swan Productions,
E: Captivating, passionate,
and we organise shoots for companies
positive, confident, and dedicated.
around the globe. I’m always on the go

38 MAXIM.COM.AU
 Status
Update
NAME:
Renee Somerfield.
HOMETOWN:
Sydney, Australia.
BIRTHDAY:
May 16, 1990.
SUMMER DRINK:
Anything fruity. If it has
‘tropical’ in it, I’m sold.
SECRET ITUNES
SHAME: I’ve got
some Britney on
there. Hit me, baby,
one more time!
FEELS SEXIEST
WHEN… I’m either
all done up for a
shoot or I’m at home
in my sweatpants.
TWITTER: @
reneesomerfield.
INSTAGRAM: @
reneesomerfield.

and love keeping fit and healthy. I also I’m always travelling, I guess people
love my sci-fi movies and comic books. like coming on the adventure, too.
E: Travelling the world for work, designing, E: I share things from my modelling,
blogging, working on my swimwear workout regime, swimwear collection,
collection, spending time with my friends projects I am working on, lots of
and family, and helping raise awareness my puppy... just a wide range of
for my charity, Wildlife Warriors. I’m things that captivate several
living my dream. segments of people. I’m
grateful people show
WHY DO YOU THINK YOU HAVE SO such interest in things
MANY SOCIAL MEDIA FOLLOWERS? I am so passionate about.
R: I’m so blown away. Every day I have at
least a couple thousand new followers – WHAT DO YOU LOVE MOST
it’s crazy. It’s all got to do with the content. ABOUT SOCIAL MEDIA?
I just share what I’m up to that day, which S: Being able to follow people
is usually me doing something in a bikini. on adventures.
S: I think it started when I became the R: I’ve met some amazing people and
ambassador for Playboy Australia. People made so many friends through social
seemed to enjoy my Playboy photos and media. Having such a big following
adventures. I’m a very random person, with gives you the power to reach out
lots of interests and passions, and because and influence so many on the issues

MAXIM.COM.AU 39
40 MAXIM.COM.AU
you are passionate about.
E: Connecting with my remarkably
supportive fans, encouraging and
inspiring people to lead a healthier, more
positive lifestyle, and also doing something
great for charity. There’s also the cheeky
stuff, of course!

WHAT DO YOU HATE ABOUT IT?

S: The bullying.
R: Yeah, I feel online bullying is now worse
than ever. I will never understand what
people get out of hiding behind a computer
screen and saying nasty, hurtful words to
a total stranger they know nothing about.
Sure, its human nature to be judgmental,
and everyone is entitled to an opinion, but
it takes a really shitty person to go out of
their way to deliberately hurt someone.
E: Everything comes with the job, and I’ve
built a very thick skin since a young age.
Nothing bothers me anymore. I’m in a very
good state of mind but one thing I won’t
stand for is bullying.

WHAT’S THE FREAKIEST THING

SOMEONE HAS TWEETED YOU?
S: Oh, goodness. I have had some
gross pictures, that’s for sure. Block!
E: Yeah, I definitely get my fair share of
weird tweets, but the nude pictures are
the icing on the cake – guys and girls!
Still, you can’t take it too seriously.
R: Mine? “I’d drag my balls through miles
of broken glass and break every bone in
my body just to shake the hands of the
janitor who works for a man who sniffed
the chair you farted on three years ago.”
Yep, you’re welcome!

WOW. JUST... WOW. NOWADAYS

HEAPS OF GUYS SEND PICS OF
THEIR WOBBLY BITS VIA SOCIAL
MEDIA. WHY IS THAT?
S: I don’t know, but if you are one of
those people, please, PLEASE just don’t.
Thank you.
E: I have no idea, either, but guys, women
like their men with a little mystique.
R: I guess they want reassurance, but if you
don’t want to be the laughing-stock of her
circle of friends, don’t send a crotch shot.

CAN WE CATCH YOU MOSTLY

ON TWITTER, FACEBOOK
OR INSTAGRAM?
R: Instagram. I’m a total perv.
S: Yeah, I love Instagram because I like
looking at photos! Some people get
so creative and I love following them.
E: All of them. I understand there are
people who don’t have Instagram but
do have Facebook, and vice versa,
so I keep all social media platforms
updated. However, I really do love twitter.

MAXIM.COM.AU 41
 Status
Update
NAME:
Sheridyn Fisher.
HOMETOWN:
Central Coast, NSW.
BIRTHDAY:
June 6, 1986.
HIDDEN TALENT:
“I can quote Predator
word-for-word from
start to finish.”
SUMMER DRINK:
Freshly cracked
coconuts and a
little Cîroc.
SECRET ITUNES
SHAME: The “Jesus
Christ Superstar”
soundtrack (the John
Farnham one), which
I bust out whenever
I’m driving alone!
FEELS SEXIEST
WHEN… I’m at home.
TWITTER:
@sheridynfisher.
INSTAGRAM:
@sheridynfisher.

42 MAXIM.COM.AU
 I f y o u d o n’ t
want to be the
laughing-stock
of her circle of
friends, then
d o n’ t s e n d a
crotch shot.
- Re n e e

MAXIM.COM.AU 43
44 MAXIM.COM.AU
Yo u ’ d c a t c h
me mostly on
Instagram.
I’m a total
p e r v.
- Re n e e

MAXIM.COM.AU 45
46 MAXIM.COM.AU
 WOULD YOU EVER DATE ONE COME BEDTIME ARE YOU A PJs,
OF YOUR FOLLOWERS? UNDIES, OR FULL-COMMANDO
R: Not if he has uploaded a crotch shot KINDA GIRL?
or said something about broken glass R: I don’t even own PJs. I’m the world’s
and balls. No selfie-flexing, either! biggest underwear hater, too.
S: If he was Arnold Schwarzenegger then E: Yeah, I go full-commando. If I wear
yes, I would date, marry, and become Mrs PJs I wake up with the top all twisted
Predator and my life would be complete. and choking me halfway through the
E: Don’t most relationships have night. It’s just too dangerous.
S: Honestly, I sleep in one of
PHOTOS: NEIL DIXON; STYLING: SHERIDYN SWIM, INCREDIBLE SWIMWEAR BY ELLIE GONSALVES

a solid stalker base in the

beginning because my millions of Batman, Star
of social media? Don’t Wars, or Disney T-shirts – and
lie, you’ve Googled, I have matching Batman and
Facebooked, and Superman undies. I clearly
Instagrammed your need to make an effort to
dates before! look sexier at home.

WHAT’S THE FIRST

I definitely FINALLY, HAVE YOU
THING YOU NOTICE get my fair GOT AN AUSTRALIA
IN A GUY? share of weird DAY MESSAGE FOR
R: My pet peeve is OUR ILLUSTRIOUS
guys who are obsessed tweets, but the PRIME MINISTER?
with themselves. I can’t nude pictures S: Let’s put an end to ALL
stand it. I can spot them the live export trade from
a mile away and it’s one
are the icing Australia once and for all!
of the first things I notice. on the cake! E: Marriage equality would
Modesty is way cuter. - Ellie be a great Australia Day
E: Eyes, shoulders, build, present, Mr Abbott.
and smile. I have a wide R: Please stop smuggling
‘notice’ range. your budgie, Tony.
S: Soulful eyes, genuine smile,
sexy smell, sense of humour. SANTI PINTADO

MAXIM.COM.AU 47
 The MAXIM
RPM Awards
Between insane 350km/h supercars, 373kW family sedans,
and electric cars that erupt from 0–100 faster than you can flip
a switch, we’re living in the golden age of the automobile. Need
proof? Here are 17 rock-solid arguments, from the affordable
to the better-ransom-the-royal-baby

ALFA ROMEO 4C

f you’re one of the most storied Founded way back in 1910, the legendary Now, this comeback model may have only
I sportscar artisans in history,
you don’t come half-arsed when
automaker comes from a racing tradition
like no other. (Let’s put it this way: One of
four cylinders, but a turbocharger and an
extremely lightweight carbon frame – the
plotting a return of international proportions. its top drivers from back in the day was a car is just over 950kg – translate to an
Say buongiorno to the 4C, a mid-engined, fellow named Enzo Ferrari, who went on almost unheard-of power-to-weight ratio
rear-wheel-drive piece of rolling Italian art to start a little car company of his own.) of 0.33hp/kg. (That’s freakishly good, trust
that will be limited to 100 units for the Asia Fast-forward 104 years and Alfa’s tradition us.) Alfa Romeo, Alfa Romeo. Wherefore
Pacific region (and available very soon). of speed and sexiness continues to grow. art thou Alfa Romeo? Sorry…

48 MAXIM.COM.AU
 SPEC
CHECK
BASE PRICE
$1.7 million.

SPEED ENGINE
6.3L V12.

POWER
588kW.

TORQUE
895Nm.

0–100
2.9 seconds.
SPEC CHECK
TOP SPEED
BASE PRICE More than 350km/h.
Around $80,000.

ENGINE
1.7L turbo four-cylinder.

POWER
179kW.

TORQUE
350Nm.

0–100
4.5 seconds.

TOP SPEED
258km/h.

FERRARI LAFERRARI

If Alexander the Great ever came back from the dead, this is the car he’d drive
to lead his second conquest of the known world. Capable of reaching 100km/h
in less than three seconds, this Italian stallion will feel like a brutal slap in the
face when it blows by you in whatever shitbox it is you’re driving. Oh, and did we
mention that it tops out above 350km/h? Ferrari LaFerrari, we officially forgive you
for the arrogant tautonym (yeah, that’s us trying to diss the name in a clever way).

BMW 435I FORD FIESTA ST

Unlike many carmakers, BMW has a model- There are few things on Earth more fun than
naming system that makes sense. Even a hot hatch, and the brand-new Fiesta ST is
casual car enthusiasts know the 3 is the the hottest and hatchiest out there. Shaped
small one, the 5 is the midsize one, and the like the head of a killer whale, Ford’s tiny
7 is the big boy. So why is it introducing a terror hugs curves, goes like the clappers
whole new number? Well, think of the 4 on command, and still has enough room in
Series as a sportier version of the 3 Series. the back for all the prison mail we receive
In other words, a sportier version of what is (you’d be rather surprised how much we
widely regarded as the world benchmark get). As an added bonus, the little guy is
for midsize cars. Fine, BMW, your new very thrifty with fuel, while still managing
number adds up. to pack a pocket-size punch.

MAXIM.COM.AU 49
 SPEC
CHECK TOPLESS
BASE PRICE
$371,000.

FOUR-DOOR ENGINE
5.9L V12.

POWER
410kW.

TORQUE
620Nm.

0–100 BENTLEY CONTINENTAL GT

4.9 seconds. SPEED CONVERTIBLE
TOP SPEED
306km/h. For nearly 100 years, Bentley has been
turning out one incredible machine after
another. With the introduction of the
Continental GT Speed – the fastest
four-seat convertible on the planet – the
English car manufacturer can be crowned
king of the ultra-luxury sportscar world.
With its Goliath, twin-turbo 6.0L W12 engine,
it’s like one big, gorgeous middle finger to
all the other car manufacturers.

ASTON MARTIN RAPIDE S

You did everything they ever told you to do. You went to uni. You got a job.
You met a girl, married her, and produced 2.5 kids. Now, assuming your first MERCEDES SLS AMG ROADSTER
job was at a start-up that went public and you made some serious, serious
If you’ve ever wanted to know what it feels
bank, the time has come to reward yourself. Besides its angelic design, crazy
like to fly – albeit a metre off the ground, in
speed, and fit-for-007 interior, the Rapide S is also one of the most exclusive
a seated position – hop into one of these.
cars in the world. You did us proud, old boy!
With 583 German horses at your disposal,
this potent wonder commands your foot
to hit the gas hard at any given opportunity.
(It’ll scream all the way past 300km/h if you
want it to.) Put the top down, hit the open
road, and just try to resist belting out
“Life Is a Highway”.

AUDI RS7 MAZDA6 2.2L CLEAN DIESEL

MINI COOPER S CONVERTIBLE
Germans love high-performance auto Like crack, diesels developed a bad rep
divisions almost as much as they love poo- back in the ’80s. They were slow, made We’ve been telling women for years that
poo porn. BMW has M, Mercedes has AMG, weird noises, and put out more stinky bigger isn’t always better. It seems that
and Audi has RS, or its “Racing Sport” wing. exhaust than a contestant at a burrito- the good folks at Mini couldn’t agree
The souped-up version of its A7 five-door eating contest. Well, times have changed. more. Strapped with a free-revving 1.6L
hatch truly delivers on both the “R” and Today’s diesels are clean, get hybrid- turbocharged engine good for 135kW,
the “S”. A grotesquely strong 4.0L twin- like mileage, and have sick torque. Our this little puppy moves. Combine that with
turbocharged V8 churns out 412kw. Did favourite (except for the fact it’s unavailable some of the tightest handling in the game
you just poo-poo yourself? Film it! here) example sits in the Mazda6, a sleek, and you’ve got a car that’s quick, agile, and
affordable sedan that gets about 17km/L a total blast to pilot… despite the fact you
and, rumour has it, 420Nm of twist. look like a character from Mario Kart.

50 MAXIM.COM.AU
 SPEC
CHECK BIG BOYS
BASE PRICE
$1.5 million (est).

ELECTRIC ENGINE
3.8L twin-turbo
V8, with electric
motor.

POWER
542kW.

TORQUE
720Nm.

0–100 RANGE ROVER SPORT

2.9 seconds. AUTOBIOGRAPHY
TOP SPEED Wanna stand out from the soccer dad
350km/h.
masses? Pull up to the kiddies’ next game
in this. A rugged exterior makes it look like
it’d be at home darting across the African
savannah, while the plush interior and
carlike drive make it just as suitable for
darting across the parking lot at Coles.
It’s also quick as hell – its supercharged
V8 cranks out 375kW.

MCLAREN P1

They’ve only been making production cars since the mid-2000s, but
British automaker McLaren has been building some of the winningest GMC SIERRA 1500
Formula 1 racers since the ’60s. (If you saw Rush, it’s what James Hunt
drove to take down mighty Ferrari.) The P1 is powered by a twin-turbo With its brawny 450hp V8 (hey, it’s an
V8 mated to an F1-style kinetic energy recovery hybrid boost system. American car, so f—k the metric system)
We don’t know what that means, either, but we do understand arriving and beautifully sculpted body, the GMC
at 100 clicks in under three seconds. Sierra 1500 is big and muscular and can
pull off a chrome grille without looking try-
hard. Despite the Sierra’s tough exterior, its
spacious inside is pure luxury, making for
a comfortable ride even when tackling
tough terrain… or “accidentally” backing
over your neighbour’s mailbox at speed.

TESLA MODEL S HONDA CIVIC HYBRID

The term “game-changing” is thrown While the Prius may be the eco-friendly
around quite a bit, so when something MVP thanks to celebrity fans, with an edgier
NISSAN JUKE NISMO
revolutionary arrives, you really need look, a redesigned interior, and better
to stand on the rooftops and shout. The body control compared with the outgoing It kind of resembles a pissed-off amphibian,
Model S is for real. It’s fully electric, has version, the Civic Hybrid gets our vote for but the Juke Nismo is a low-cost, high-fun
a range of 426km, and gets from 0–100 most improved. Its top speed is less than alternative to your standard SUV – and its
just as fast as a BMW M5... all in near-silent 180km/h, so you won’t be leaving anyone unique look just might get you more tail than
style. Hey, automotive world, bow down in the dust, but you’ll sleep better knowing the average old toad. This “cross-sport” is
to your new electric leader. It’s heading that chunk of ice some polar bear is roomy for its size and speedy for its weight.
our way in Autumn. balancing on isn’t melting because of you.

MAXIM.COM.AU 51
 We just wanna F
CAN A JAG BE USED TO COURT THE WOMEN OF MELBOURNE?
How much can a nice car help Jags tend to be synonymous Both girls have little interest in
a visually offensive person with superannuation advice cars and simply appreciated JAGUAR F-TYPE
like yours truly get attention and bowls clubs, so the more the design, colour, and V6 S
from the opposite sex? important question is whether enormous price tag (our tester
Picking the perfect tool the F-Type will get the type of was just shy of $200,000). Engine: 3.0L
for this experiment wasn’t attention you’re after. Short We chatted for a little supercharged V6.
difficult. Considered one of answer: hell yes, playa! while and it didn’t take long Power: 280kW.
the sexiest cars ever made, I rolled into the beachside to discover the car is merely a Torque: 460Nm.
the new Jaguar F-Type car park with the roof off and conversation starter – the rest 0-100km/h:
convertible will do nicely. before long had a crowd of is up to wit and genetic luck. 4.9 seconds.
Fitted with a supercharged onlookers. It was working; Both girls agreed, though, Fuel Consumption:
V6 or V8 engine, the F-Type the theory behind owning they would find a guy more 9.1L/100km.
slingshots Jaguar into an all- an expensive sports car was attractive and approachable Top Speed: 300km/h.
new level of jaw-dropping beginning to become a reality. if he drove up to them in an Price: $171,045.
style, power, and noise. Best Caught up in the of the upmarket-looking car, as
of all, it’ll only set you back moment, the photographer opposed to a lemon.
(from) $138,645. forgot to take evidentiary If you’re not made of money, and burnouts.
shots of the amassed crowd. don’t worry, friends, because One thing is for certain
Nevertheless, two lovely gals the ladies were just as likely here, lads: While a convertible
stayed behind to chat as the to hang around and chat with Jag will bring all the girls
crowd dissipated. a guy driving a modern car in to the yard, a well-kept and
good condition. However, it respectable-looking car will
should be noted that definite score you a convo – and,
no-nos were subwoofers, if you play your cards right,
giant spoilers, ridiculous possibly a sleepover with
neon lights, your new lady friend.

SELMA
Meet the ladies OCCUPATION: Nurse.
WORDS: PAUL MARIC; PHOTOS: STEFAN MARIC

AGE: 24.
ABBY COUPE OR
OCCUPATION: Nurse. CONVERTIBLE?
AGE: 24. Convertible.
COUPE OR CONVERTIBLE? Coupe. FAST CAR OR LUXURY
FAST CAR OR LUXURY CAR? CAR? Fast, but classy.
Luxury… just like all my tastes! FAVOURITE CAR COLOUR? White.
FAVOURITE CAR COLOUR? Black. I DRIVE A… Grey Mazda3.
I DRIVE A… Silver Mazda2. CAN I HAVE YOUR NUMBER?
CAN I HAVE YOUR NUMBER? No. I’m busy that week…

54 MAXIM.COM.AU
 WHETHER YOU’RE
SERVING COW, PIG,
FISH, LAMB, OR
CHICKEN, LET MAXIM’S
SQUAD OF MEAT
WIZARDS SCHOOL YOU
ON SMOKING UP SOME
MAGIC. VEGETARIANS,
PROUDLY
BROUGHT WE’LL CATCH UP WITH
TO YOU BY
YOU ANOTHER TIME
 p
ig
’CUE KEY SIDE

D ON’ T BI T E OF F
IDIOT- PROOF You WEEKEND MASTER CHEF
MOR E T H A N Y OU
can down beers and WARRIOR Put Stay frosty—men
C A N C HE W ! USE
T HIS GUIDE .
still kill on the grill. down your beverage—
these can get tricky.
have lost their lives
trying these!
B A BY B A CK
M A C A ND CHEESE

The Everdure e2go grill has been designed with

E 2G O GR IL L TIME 30 minutes
portability in mind. It features a revolutionary
W W W.E V ER DUR E .C OM
cast aluminium body, which allows for a large SERVES 8
cooking area, while being lighter in weight and
ready to go with you. Ergonomic, easy to use
handles ensure easy one person transport. • 4 tbsp unsalted butter
The high hood allows you to roast the perfect
Sunday lunch, eating out has never been so
• 500g elbow macaroni
much fun. The large cooking surface means • 2 tbsp all-purpose flour
you can cook for a crowd. The e2go grill cooks • 3 cups milk
anything anywhere. • 2½ cups shredded, sharp
cheddar cheese
• Salt
• Freshly ground black pepper
• 500g leftover rib meat

1. Generously butter a
33cmx23cm broiler-safe
baking pan with 2 tbsp butter.

2. Cook macaroni to al dente,

per package directions.

3. Melt remaining butter. Stir

in flour and cook till it forms
a paste and begins to brown.
Whisk in milk and bring
mixture to a bubble to thicken.
Remove from heat. Whisk in
two cups of cheese; season
with salt and pepper.

4. Preheat broiler. Drain

macaroni and return it to the
pot. Add cheese sauce and stir
MAIN
in the meat. Pour baby back

THE KING RIB

mac into the prepared baking
pan and sprinkle on remaining
cheese. Broil till cheese is
TIME 10 minutes golden brown on top, 3–4
minutes. Let cool, covered
SERVES 4 sandwiches with foil, for 15 minutes.

WASH IT DOWN!

 500g leftover rib meat the sandwiches, cut meat into 3. Lay one pork piece on the
(horizontally cut off the four equal portions and warm bottom of each roll. Arrange JAMES SQUIRE
bones from one rack) on a baking sheet in the oven two slices of pickles on top of HEAD BREWER
 1 cup BBQ sauce or toaster oven at 180°C or in a the pork. Scatter 2 tbsp of the JEFF POTTER
 4 x 15cm sandwich rolls or large skillet over medium heat, onions over the pickles and HAS PAIRED OUR
MEATY DISHES
buns, split three-to-four minutes each side. pork. Cover each sandwich WITH THE
 8 dill pickle slices 2. Pour the sauce into a large with the top of the roll. Serve APPROPRIATE
 ½ cup finely chopped sweet shallow bowl. When the pork is immediately or, if you like, BEERS. HEED
HIS ADVICE
onion thoroughly heated, use tongs to microwave each sandwich for
dip each piece of meat into the 15 seconds to give it that “fresh
“THE CONSTABLE COPPER
1. Wrap meat in foil and store in sauce to completely cover on from under the fast food lights” ALE IS PERFECT FOR RICHER
refrigerator. When ready to make both sides. heat. MEATS AND SAUCES.”
w
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SIDE

B A RBECUE
SMOK ED
C A BB A GE

TIME 6 hours

SERVES 4

• 1 head green cabbage

• 1 tbsp salt
• 1 tsp freshly ground black
pepper
• 1 tsp garlic powder
• 1 tsp onion powder
• ½ cup unsalted butter

1. Using a sharp knife, core

the cabbage, carving out the
tough white bottom. Rinse
the cored cabbage and pull
off any wilted leaves. Sprinkle
the salt, pepper, garlic powder,
and onion powder into the
E CHUR R A SC O
W W W.E V ER DUR E .C OM
hollowed centre. Place the
stick of butter inside the
The e churrasco from Everdure centre, where the core was
is an Australian innovation and a removed, and over the spices
world first, combining the flavour you just sprinkled.
of charcoal cooking with the speed
and convenience of gas ignition.
Why wait ages to enjoy the flavour
2. Wrap the head of cabbage
of charcoal? With e churrasco, in aluminium foil, so the core
you’ll be ready to go in just 15 end is up. Using more foil,
minutes. The e churrasco looks form a base, so the cabbage
great on any deck or balcony, with
remains upright. Place the
a choice of designer colours and
its compact size fits anywhere. wrapped cabbage on the
smoker. Cover and smoke for
4–6 hours, until the cabbage
is soft. Unwrap and discard
any blackened leaves. Cut the
cabbage into quarters and
serve alongside the smoked
MAIN
brisket.

SMOKED BRISKET WASH IT DOWN!

TIME 14 hours

SERVES 8–10

 3.5kg – 4.5kg beef brisket 3. Let brisket sit at room

 2 cups Bub City Brisket Rub temperature until the rub
(1 part coarse black pepper, begins to “sweat” – about an
1 part kosher salt, ¼ part hour.
cayenne pepper) 4. Place the brisket fat side “COUPLE THIS WITH A JACK OF
1. Pre-heat smoker filled with down and let it smoke for 12 SPADES PORTER. SMOKINESS
WILL BE FOUND IN BOTH THE
hickory to 105°C. hours. After letting it rest for MEAT AND THE BEER. ITS PAIRING
2. Coat brisket with the rub. one hour, slice against the grain WILL ASTOUND PEOPLE.”

and enjoy!
 la
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SIDE

SOU THERN
GEORGI A GRILLED
PE A CHES

TIME 15 minutes

SERVES 4

• 3 peaches
• 2 cups baby arugula
• 2 red finger chillies, finely
diced and seeded
• ¼ cup white wine vinegar
• 2 tbsp extra-virgin olive oil
• 1 lemon
• Salt
• Pepper
• 1 shallot, finely diced

PEACHES
Take peaches, cut in half, and
remove the pits. Brush peaches
lightly with oil and sea salt.
Lay fat sides down on grill at
medium heat for approximately
MAIN
3–5 minutes. Flip over and grill

FIVE-SPICE LAMB BURGER

for another minute.

HOT SAUCE
TIME 2 hours Make the “drizzle” using the
shallot, chillies, lemon juice,
SERVES 4 and vinegar.

SALAD
FIVE-SPICE AIOLI translucent. Stir in the chilli and 1. Put the lamb, shallot, ginger, Dress arugula with salt, pepper,
 ½ cup mayonnaise vinegar, then stir in sugar till it garlic, yolk, and spice powder and oil.
 Juice of 1 lime dissolves. in a bowl, and mix well. Season
 2 tsp five-spice powder with salt and pepper. Divide and ASSEMBLY
Mix ingredients in a small bowl. 2. Add cucumber and cook 5–7 shape the lamb mixture into Take peaches of grill and lay
Store in refrigerator. minutes over medium heat, and four 225g burger patties. Place in a bed of arugula, pit-side
reduce slightly, achieving a light the patties in the refrigerator for up. Drizzle the hot sauce
CUCUMBER RELISH glaze consistency. Season the one hour to allow the flavours generously inside peach
 1 tsp coriander seeds relish with salt; let mixture cool. to infuse. cavities. Crack a bottle of pinot
 1 tbsp vegetable oil noir and enjoy.
 ½ red onion, finely diced 3. Just before serving the 2. Preheat a grill to medium-
 1 red finger chilli, seeded and relish, stir in the mint, and high and lightly oil the grate. WASH IT DOWN!

diced season with salt (to taste). Grill the lamb patties until
 ¼ cup white wine vinegar they are seared on both sides
 ¼ cup sugar BURGERS and cooked through. Remove
 1 English cucumber, seeded  1kg ground lamb patties from the grill and set
and diced  1 shallot, minced aside. Put buns on the grill,
 Kosher salt  ½ tbsp fresh ginger, minced cut-side down, and toast until
 ½ bunch fresh mint, stemmed  1 clove garlic, minced golden.
and chopped  1 egg yolk
 1 tbsp five-spice powder 3. Put the lamb patties on
1. Toast the coriander in a sauté  Kosher salt and freshly the toasted buns, slather with “THE CRYSTAL MALTS USED
IN THE NINE TALES AMBER
pan over medium-high heat ground black pepper the Five-Spice Aioli, pickled ALE WILL GO WELL WITH
until fragrant. Drizzle in the oil,  4 buns cucumber relish, and sliced CARAMELISED MEATS.”
add onion, and cook, stirring, till  1 ripe tomato, sliced tomato.
 h
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SIDE

COLESL AW WITH
CRE A M Y CUMIN-LIME

RECIPES: MYRON MIXON (THE KING RIB, BABY BACK MAC AND CHEESE, BARBECUE SMOKED CABBAGE); DOUG PSALTIS (SMOKED BRISKET); ROGER MOOKING (FIVE-SPICE LAMB BURGER, SOUTHERN GEORGIA GRILLED PEACHES); BOBBY FLAY
DILL V IN A IGRE T TE

TIME 2 hours

SERVES 4–6

(SOUTHWESTERN SALMON WITH CHILLI CHUTNEY, COLESLAW WITH CREAMY CUMIN-LIME DILL VINAIGRETTE); BRAD ORRISON (BBQ CHICKEN THIGHS, GRILLED ROMAINE SALAD) PHOTOS: JONATHON KAMBOURIS
• ½ cup mayonnaise
• Zest of 1 lime, finely
grated
• ¼ cup fresh lime juice
• 1 tsp celery salt
• ½ tsp toasted cumin
seeds
• 1 tbsp sugar
• ¼ cup chopped fresh dill
• Salt and freshly ground
black pepper
• 1 head Napa cabbage,
finely shredded
• 1 large carrot, julienned
MAIN
• 1 red bell pepper,
CHILLI CHUTNEY julienned
SOUTHWESTERN  2 dried ancho red chillies
 2 tbsp canola oil
• 1 yellow bell pepper,
julienned
SALMON WITH CHILI  1 small red onion, diced
 1 garlic clove, chopped
• 1 small red onion, halved
and thinly sliced
CHUTNEY  4 plum tomatoes, halved and
diced 1. Whisk together
TIME 1 hour  1 tsp dried oregano mayonnaise, lime zest, lime
 2 tsp clover honey juice, celery salt, cumin
SERVES 4  Kosher salt and freshly seeds, sugar, and dill in a
ground black pepper large bowl and season with
 3 green onions, diced salt and pepper.
 1 cup cream, crème fraiche, 2. Heat your grill to high.
or sour cream 1. Soak chillies in two cups hot 2. Add cabbage, carrot,
 3 garlic cloves, chopped 3. Remove the salmon from water for a half hour. Drain, peppers, and onion,
 2 tsp grated lime zest the marinade and wipe off the reserving ¼ cup of liquid; stem, and toss to coat in the
 2 tbsp fresh lime juice excess with paper towels. Brush seed, and dice the chillies. dressing; season with salt
 1 tbsp ancho chilli powder the salmon on both sides with Blend with liquid. and pepper. Cover and
 2 tsp ground coriander 2 tbsp of the oil and season refrigerate for at least one
 1 tsp ground cumin with salt and pepper. Grill until 2. Heat the oil in a medium hour and up to four hours
 ¼ tsp turmeric golden brown on both sides saucepan over medium heat. before serving.
 ¼ tsp Chile de árbol powder and cooked to medium (about Add the red onion and cook
WASH IT DOWN!
 4 skin-on 225g salmon fillets four minutes per side). until soft (five minutes). Add the
 2 tbsp plus 1 tsp canola oil garlic and cook for 30 seconds.
 Kosher salt and freshly 4. Meanwhile, brush the cut Add the chilli purée, boil, and
ground black pepper side of the limes with the cook until thickened (five
 Chopped green onion, for remaining 1 tsp oil and place minutes).
garnish on the grill, cut-side down, until
 2 limes, halved browned (one minute). 3. Add the tomatoes and
oregano and cook until
1. Whisk together first nine 5. Transfer the salmon to plates softened (10 minutes). Stir in
ingredients in a baking dish. and garnish with green onion. honey and season with salt
Add the salmon fillets and turn Add a lime half to each plate and pepper. Remove from heat “GO WITH THE FOUR WIVES
PILSENER. PILSENER IS ALWAYS
to coat in the marinade. Cover (for squeezing over the salmon) and fold in green onions. Serve A GOOD OPTION FOR ANYTHING
and refrigerate for at least 20 and serve the chutney on the warm. WITH A BIT OF HEAT.”
minutes and up to one hour. side.
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RECIPE-FREE RECIPES
Hate measuring (and love drinking) as much as we do? Here's an idiotproof guide to throwing a beer-soaked BBQ bash.

SIDE

GRILLED ROM A INE

SAL AD
TIME 30 minutes

SERVES Everyone

• Romaine lettuce hearts

• Red onions
• Real mayo
• Crystal hot sauce
• Garlic, minced
• Black pepper and sea salt
• Real Parmesan cheese
• Seasoned sliced almonds
• Blue cheese or ranch
dressing

1. Cut lettuce hearts in half;

slice onions.

2. Mix mayo, hot sauce, garlic,

pepper, and salt. Spread on
cut side of romaine.

3. Toss on lots of Parmesan

cheese and almond slices.

4. Place romaine and onions

directly over the coals.
MAIN
5. Turn to make grill marks.
BBQ CHICKEN THIGHS 6. Move to cool side of grill.
TIME 1½ hours 7. Remove, add blue cheese or
SERVES Everyone ranch, and serve.

 Meat: Chicken thighs  Music: Grayson Capps, 4. Drink a beer. Add charcoal to as it really gets cooking. Then
 Marinade: Fowl Play from the “Coconut Moonshine” grill carefully if your friends are leave skin-side up.
Shed BBQ Joint (theshedbbq. watching.
com) 1. Never grill without beer and 9. Start putting on Shed BBQ
 BBQ Sauce: Original Shed music. It’s actually illegal in 5. Make sure grill and grates sauce to get it to caramelise (turn
Spread BBQ sauce from the Mississippi. are really clean. to candy).
Shed BBQ Joint (add last)
 Beer: The Chancer Golden 2. Marinate chicken thighs in a 6. Place chicken, meat-side 10. Remove from grill at internal
Ale. “Tropical fruit flavours will ziplock bag. (30 mins.) down, directly over coals. temp of 75°C.
go well with softer, fleshier
meat,” Jeff Potter says. 3. Start the charcoal and stare 7. Wait to turn over for good 11. Celebrate and drink the rest
 Cooking Method: Direct over into the flames, as you enjoy grill marks. Drink beer faster. of the beer.
charcoal that has burned to a the danger and success of
white surface all over making fire. 8. Try turning only a few times 12. Try to get laid.
 rs
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b

BURGER KING
Ethan Jenkins, co-author of The Burger Book, which goes passionately in-depth on Victoria’s
finest, imparts his 10 non-negotiables

watch them slide down a

window. However, a pickle can
be your best friend in a burger
if the flavours are balanced
right – adding just the right
amount of bite.

Sauce-to-bun ratio
On one hand, you have
something that is as dry as a
dead dingo’s donger if there’s
too little sauce on your buns; on
the other hand, you can have
so much sauce making it’s way
down your sleeve that you’ll
need to take out shares in a
napkin company to clean up
the mess.

Sides
Onion rings or fries – or
whatever your choice of side
EATERY HIGHLIGHT
may be – should come nice and
golden, with the right amount
OSCAR COOPER of crunch. Also, go easy on
the salt or else you will have
WHERE Prahran, VIC to order more rounds than is
necessary to wash it down.
EST. 2012 Something to wash it down

Finding your perfect

Beef Fresh salad ingredients partner in life is not as
There is major contention A good burger can be ruined simple as closing your
between burger purists, if the salad component isn’t eyes, outstretching your
aficionados, and critics when fresh; it ends up being about hand, and plucking some
it comes to the recipe for the as enjoyable as a big, sweaty random from across the bar.
perfect beef patty. However, hug. However, choosing crisp The same rules apply to your
something we can all agree on tomatoes and lettuce goes a burger accompaniment: simply
is that the building block for long way to complimenting the choosing a random longneck
a good burger is good quality other ingredients in a perfect compliments the flavour of your from the fridge will not suffice.
beef. burger. burger like a good cheese. Pair your burger with a good
brew or milkshake.
Bacon Cheese Bun
If you were to conduct an Many have fallen into the trap The burger bun can quite Atmosphere
autopsy of the human body, of carefully crafting delicious literally make or break a burger. Above all else, the best burgers
there would be a small section beef patties to make the be The perfect bun is toasted on are shared in good company.
of the brain purely dedicated to all and end all of burgers, the lid and nice and light and Any patty purist or burger lord
what the world has deemed the only to proceed to top their fluffy on the outside. will overlook the little nuances
greatest food to cross our paths: masterpieces off with a yellow of burger perfection when
BACON. A mediocre burger can square of plastic. Plastic is In a pickle said burger is shared amongst
be stepped up a few notches by not a flavour, people! And it is Some people prefer to pull friends.
the addition of bacon. quite unfortunate, as nothing these little nasties out and
 b
u
rg
e
rs
A HISTORY OF DELICIOUSNESS
Ethan provides a potted, 800-year-old origin story of the burger
According to the occupants enjoying a tartare Charles Ranhofer, was author
many accounts, meal and eventually bringing the of renowned 1894 cookbook
today’s burger has concept back to Germany. After The Epicurean. At the time,
its origins in ancient many years of development, the steak was an extremely
times. particularly in the German town expensive 11 cents, but the prices
Legend has it that of Hamburg, the locals created of the Hamburg Steaks started
A NDRE W ’S
circa 1209 – 1238, their own version of the dish, dropping by the end of the 19th
Genghis Khan’s adding condiments to the ground Century, making them more H A MBURGER S
fierce Mongolian steak or sausage. popular. WHERE Albert Park, VIC
cavalry, the Golden Horde, would From the 13th – 17th Centuries, It seems the biggest influence
EST. 1939
place pieces of meat under their the German port of Hamburg on the price drop was the
saddles whilst they rode their became one of the most “Golden Age of Beef”. There
horses. This meant the weight important and busiest ports in was an abundance of livestock
of the rider would tenderise or Europe. By the 19th Century it for slaughter in the US and the in the United States for Foster’s,
crumble the meat, while the had become one of the major invention of the meat grinder (by Simon said that he travelled a
horse’s body heat would cook it. transatlantic ports. Europeans Karl Drais) also occurred around lot and spent a fair bit of time
This is essentially the beginnings then started moving to the this time. This allowed for large in bars (for work, of course!).
of what was to become steak “new world”, with one of the quantities of beef to be ground Inadvertently, he became
tartare. major destinations being New and sold at market, reducing the a burger connoisseur after
The Russians adopted this raw, York. The influx of German and price, as well as the time required enjoying them from bar menus
tenderised steak and developed European sailors to the US had for preparation. throughout the US and Canada.
their own spin on it. Named a big effect on many aspects of During this period restaurants Setting up efficient systems and
after the Mongolian invaders, American culture – most notably, had started serving the “Salisbury selecting the best ingredients
the Beef Tartare was brought to their cuisine. Steak”, named after its inventor, available, Simon turned his
life. How the idea of the ground By the late-19th Century, the Dr James Salisbury. This was a venture from a niche market into
beefsteak made its way to “Hamburg Steak” began to ground or minced beefsteak, a fully-fledged market of burger
Germany is questionable and surface in many New York served with gravy-style sauce, devotees. His single burger
not documented. The most restaurant menus. The earliest and just another precursor to the joint has now grown into a chain
likely explanation is that, during known menu listing was in 1873 current burger. of over 70 burger restaurants
the 1600s, German ships began at Delmonico’s, a Manhattan nationally. As for the humble
travelling to Ru¬ssian ports, with restaurant, whose head chef, Australia burger, it has become the staple
The history of the hamburger in on the menu of many bars and
Australia goes back a long way. restaurants throughout the land.
The burger is well established, Since commencing the research
with many of the pioneering, for this book, the number of
including Melbourne mainstays burger-specific venues in
Andrew’s and Danny’s, still Melbourne has increased
operating today. substantially. With the increasing
Andrew’s Hamburgers in Albert interest and desire for good
Park was established in 1939 burgers, venues have lifted
and is still owned by the same their games and, in turn, are
family. Danny’s Hamburgers in producing some of the best
North Fitzroy was established in burgers in the world now.
1945, around the same time as
some notable regional venues, WASH IT DOWN!

including Warrnambool duo

Macks Snacks (in 1948) and
Kermond’s (in 1949).
A major turning point in the world
EATERY HIGHLIGHT
of Australian burgers was when
Grill’d founder Simon Crowe
TUCK SHOP TAKE AWAY returned to Australia in 2003. He
THIS IS AN EDITED EXTRACT
said he was disappointed with FROM THE BURGER
the lack of good, healthy burgers BOOK ($39.95; SMUDGE
WHERE Caulfield, VIC PUBLISHING), NOW AVAILABLE
available on the Melbourne food BOOKSTORES AND ONLINE AT
EST. 2013 scene, so he decided to open his SMUDGEPUB.COM.AU

own restaurant. While working

 y
e
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tu

GOBBLE THIS UP
ADAM RICHMAN, Man v. Food glutton and Earl of Sandwiches, talks turkey

EATERY HIGHLIGHT

THE TURKEY DELIGHT

TIME 5 Minutes

SERVES 1 very hungover person

1. The Bottom Bread white onions and a layer of pancake that could go the length
Start with grilled challah egg 3. Meat No. 1 mashed candied sweet potatoes, of the sandwich. Put it in!
bread. Brush that with really good Stack thick layers of turkey with finely crushed walnuts on
quality salted butter (Kerrygold breast. top. 8. Sauce No. 3
Irish is my choice) and grill it so Drizzle the whole thing with
it turns that awesome shade of 4. Sauce No. 2 6. Meat No. 2 gravy.
golden-y toasted whatever. Do a thin spread of light mayo (I Pile on the dark meat from the
PHOTO: CHARLES MASTERS

recommend Hellmann’s Light), legs and thighs. 9. The Top Bread

2. Sauce No. 1 dusted with a pinch each of Put the other half of the challah
On the very bottom spread garlic powder and fresh cracked 7. Thanksgiving Bonus on top.
a layer of cranberry sauce, pepper. Ingredient
ideally fresh, though the canned Take some stuffing, place it in 10. Bite in and…
gelatinous cylinder kind is 5. The Vegetables a pan, and crisp up the edges Give thanks that you have indoor
completely acceptable. To offset the mayo, add sliced until you have a kind of stuffing plumbing.
 s
a
u
s
a
g
e
OH MY DOG! Let us now praise the union of sausage and roll,
with the Mr. Beak’s Original Hot Dog – and a side
of buttermilk coleslaw and chipotle mayo
HOTDOG ALTERNATIVE

MR. BE A K ’S
SMOK Y CHORIZO
TA COS

TIME 40 minutes

SERVES 6

• 1 pack of Mr. Beak’s Smoky

Chorizo Sausages (450g)
• 6 small flour tortillas,
warmed
• 1 red capsicum
• 1 yellow capsicum
• 1 green capsicum
• 1 tbs olive oil

Toppings
• Diced red onion
• Sliced jalapeno
EATERY HIGHLIGHT
• Guacamole
• Sour cream
HOT DOG WITH SLAW & MAYO
Method
TIME 20 minutes 1. Slice capsicums and sauté
with olive oil.
SERVES 6 2. Barbecue or pan fry chorizo
sausages according to the
instructions on the pack.
Hot Dog  1⁄2 bunch of chives, finely 3. Heat the barbeque to 3. Serve chorizo in tortillas
 1 packet of Mr. Beak’s chopped medium heat and cook the with cooked capsicum and
Original Sausages sausages on low. Turn the toppings.
 6 long rolls or hot dog rolls Chipotle Mayo sausages every 4 5 minutes
 2 cups of cheddar cheese,  1⁄2 cup of whole egg and cook until golden brown
shredded mayonnaise (approximately 12
15 minutes).
 Tomato sauce, to serve  2 tbsp of chipotle Tabasco
 Mustard, to serve 4. Meanwhile, combine all the
Method coleslaw ingredients in a large
Coleslaw 1. Make the buttermilk dressing salad bowl. Stir the buttermilk
 1⁄4 head of red cabbage, by combining buttermilk, lemon dressing and pour over salad.
thinly sliced juice, mayonnaise, apple cider Gently toss through until well
 1⁄4 head of green cabbage, vinegar, and Dijon mustard in combined.
thinly sliced a glass or ceramic bowl. Whisk
 1 large carrot, shredded until smooth and season with 5. Cut the bread rolls
 1⁄2 red onion, thinly sliced salt and pepper to taste. Stir in lengthways through the centre
the chive and set aside. with a serrated knife. Spread
Buttermilk Dressing the inside of the rolls with
 100mL of buttermilk 2. Make the chipotle mayo by the chipotle mayo. Top with
 1⁄2 lemon, juiced combining the mayonnaise and the buttermilk coleslaw and a
 2 tbsp whole egg chipotle Tabasco in a bowl. sprinkling of cheddar cheese.
mayonnaise Whisk until smooth and set Place a Mr. Beak’s sausage on
MRBEAKS.COM.AU
 2 tbsp apple cider vinegar aside. top, dress with your choice of FACEBOOK.COM/
 1 tsp Dijon mustard condiment, and enjoy! MRBEAKSSAUSAGES
 In 2011, Turkey
was the top
cherry-producing
nation in the
world.

Pop a Cherry
JUSTIN FAIRWEATHER, the principal operator and barkeep at New
York City’s Evelyn, whipped up this bourbon-y holiday cocktail for us
CHERRY GOBBLER • 52.5mL bourbon Cherry-Cinnamon Syrup
“Cherries, cinnamon, the vanilla of • 22.5mL cherry-cinnamon syrup* In a saucepan, combine two cups
the Galliano, and, of course, a nice • 22.5mL lemon juice sugar, two cups water, and six
bourbon, are flavours that come • 7.5mL Galliano L’Autentico liqueur cinnamon sticks. Bring to a boil
together and embody the spirit until sugar is dissolved; remove
of the season,” says Fairweather. Shake all ingredients together from heat. Let steep for 20 minutes,
“Even if you don’t have a big with ice and strain into a then remove cinnamon. Add 15
spread in front of you, this drink will cocktail glass. Garnish with a cherry pitted cherries, blend in a blender,
transport you to that state of mind.” and a sprinkle of cinnamon dust. fine-strain, and store.

66 MAXIM.COM.AU
 Turn Your
Bloody Mary
Into a Meal
The folks from the HARD ROCK
HOTEL & CASINO BILOXI, USA
put a surf ’n’ turf spin on the
classic hangover cure

THE DRINK Grill one andouille

2
• 45mL Tito’s sausage and cut off
Handmade Vodka. a 2cm chunk. Wrap the
• 360mL tomato juice. shrimp around the piece
• 2 dashes of sausage and stick it
Worcestershire sauce. onto a 15cm skewer.
• 3 dashes Tabasco. Add it to the glass.
• 7.5mL tsp each, grated:
horseradish, celery THE TURF
salt, and pepper. Season a 75g Kobe
1
• The juice of ⅛ piece beef patty with salt
each: fresh lemon & lime. and pepper, set it on a
• Dash of anchovy paste charbroiler, and sear
(or two fresh anchovies until markings are visible.
ground until smooth).
Brush a mini ciabatta
2
Stir together all the roll with butter and
ingredients (except for toast it. Mix 1 tbsp mayo
the vodka) in a 600mL with a couple of drops
shaker glass. Add the of Sriracha and spread
Tito’s and ice, shake well, that onto the roll.
and pour into a tall glass.
Garnish with celery and Place the beef patty
a stalk of asparagus. 3 on the roll and top
with shredded lettuce,
THE SURF Tabasco-fried red onions,
Add one shrimp and Boursin cheese
1
(peeled and pressed into a wheel.
de-veined) to a small Put a pickle on a 15cm
pot of boiling water skewer, then a grape
that’s been seasoned tomato, then the slider,
with 1 tsp crab boil and and finally another
PHOTOS: JONATHON KAMBOURIS

the juice of one lemon. grape tomato to

Cook for about three secure it all in place.
minutes, then shock with
an ice bath to keep it from DRINK, EAT, AND
overcooking. Set aside. GO BACK TO BED!

MAXIM.COM.AU 67
 C IR C U S M A X I M U S
♥♥♥

ALL THE
SINGLE
LADIES!
♥♥♥

Fancied shares some

insight into which cities
produce the hottest girls,
based on their most
popular users in Australia

GIRLS FROM BONDI

ARE FANCIED
Thanks to new dating app Fancied, you can check-in
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really want you to find eternal (or fleeting) love, here are
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Fancied’s 10 most popular places to meet your match!
GIRLS FROM PRAHRAN
ARE FANCIED

33%
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GIRLS FROM FREMANTLE

ARE FANCIED

THE BEACH BABE #2

Cottesloe Beach Hotel
Perth, WA
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Situated directly across the
road from one of Australia’s
finest beaches, “The Cott”, GIRLS FROM NEW FARM
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it, attracts a plethora of
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THE
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With iconic Bondi Beach as a backdrop, this venue is
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68 MAXIM.COM.AU
 THE MODEL TYPE THE SOCIALITE
Mrs Sippy Sin City
Double Bay, NSW Surfers Paradise, Qld
This stylish restaurant and bar More than your average Surfers
attracts both pretty, young nightclub, this place attracts
ladies and hot, sophisticated rich and famous actors and
women. Fancied says if you’re performers visiting Australia,
looking to meet a flirty socialite so there’s no doubt you’ll run
or a fun fashionista, this is the. into a young lady rolling with a
Best to check-in from Thursday posse of gorgeous, fun-loving
to Saturday, when their DJs spin friends who like to get it done
into the wee hours. on the dance floor.

THE ROCK CHICK

Rocket Bar
Adelaide, SA
If you can get past all the crazy THE
strip joints on Hindley Street, SPORTY
pop in here to potentially meet CHICK The Precinct
RICHMOND, VIC
a talented muso or a babe
you can jam with to the cool If you’re looking for a laidback girl who likes her footy and
live music. Rocket attracts a gets along with all your mates, then look no further than this
younger crowd and its most sophisticated pub, with a vibe that attracts groups of athletic
popular night is Thursday. gals in their 20s and older. Saturday night is your best bet.
WORDS: CHRISTIE SHARPE; PHOTOS: SHUTTERSTOCK

THE FILM FAN THE CLASSY MINX

THE INDIE CHICK THE FOREIGNER Limes Hotel Baroq House
Alhambra Lounge World Bar Fortitude Valley, Qld Melbourne, Vic
Fortitude Valley, Qld Potts Point, NSW A rooftop bar, complete with As you walk along the 19th
Meet a girl here and she will This joint attracts a mix of young two hot tubs and a cinema, Century cobblestoned alleyway
surely spice up your life! A cool backpackers and slightly older is the perfect setting to meet you’ll stumble across this stylish
mix of indie/hipster types, she travellers. The bar does teapots gorgeous and flirty bikini-clad bar – a haven for fine, young,
enjoys old school classics and filled with whatever rocket fuel girls. You can choose to watch single women with a bit of cash.
live music, and is known to have you desire and, after a few of a movie at their rooftop cinema Be sure to dress to impress
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Thursdays are popular with grooving with a chick who won’t cutie or party under the stars in a suit, especially on this
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MAXIM.COM.AU 69
 ALL HE DOES IS

GINIn 2013, Hendrick's Gin Global

Brand Ambassador David Piper
ventured into the Venezuelan
jungle in search of new and
unusual botanicals. He names
some highlights from that trip
and also takes us to gin school

WHAT’S SO
SPECIAL ABOUT
HENDRICK’S? grew, I became more involved reasons. I think the idea that it
Hendrick’s is made on the south and it eventually became a full- makes you depressed is quite an
coast of Scotland in tiny, tiny time thing. A large part involves interesting one. The main thing
batches – by hand – in a still running around the world that appeals to me is this air of
that is 150 years old. There’s spreading knowledge, love, taboo and naughtiness that it
another still we use that’s not and a little bit of nonsense carries. But it’s also got an air of
that old but still very rare. I also about the brand. sophistication about it. The Gin
talk about the botanicals and Craze in England during the 18th
rose and cucumber [which are A BIT OF GIN HISTORY Century was almost 40 years
infused to add flavour]. It’s very Gin is fascinating for many where society was destroyed
much a gateway gin. There are from the inside. The gin they
a lot of people who have bad were consuming probably did
memories of gin from when make you go blind back then.
they’re younger. Also, there are But that would’ve had more to
many people who think they do with what they were putting
don’t like gin, when, in fact, they in it to hide the impurities,
don’t like tonic water. We’re like sulfuric acid, iron filings,
slightly unusual and we like to do turpentine. I think gin still carries
things in an abnormal way. We’re with it those associations of
back on the bicycle-powered
cocktail shaker thing now, which
is one of the first projects I was Left, below: David and Master Distiller
involved with. We’re working Lesley Gracie prepare a concoction in
the Amazon’s one and only gin palace.
towards a party where all the
electricity and the lighting and
the sound system is powered by
bicycles; the drinks will be mixed
by guests getting on bikes and
pedalling hard.

DAVID’S ROLE
I got involved with Hendrick’s
10 years ago [the gin itself was
only launched in 1999]. I was
in London, working as an artist
and performing and organising
all sorts of funny parties. I was
at a Hendrick’s event and they
asked if I’d like to organise some
events for them. As the brand

70 MAXIM.COM.AU
 the dark and naughty and distilled – certain things come
sophisticated. to the fore a little more. We did
find something that would work
JUNGLE FEVER particularly well with Hendrick’s
The little trip we took to the but you’re not exactly allowed to
jungle was an experiment, in remove plants from that region,
a way. A lot of new gins have which is why we did the distilling
come out since Hendrick’s but while we were there. What we arrow’, so we might want to start
Above: Charles the great explorer closely
we paved the way for the current made is enough to produce a examines one of his latest finds, so as quietly making our way out.”
interest in gin. The idea to go in tiny, experimental batch of gin – not to poison gin-lovers the world over. So we did. There was a lot of
search of botanicals was inspired perhaps a few hundred litres. I tension in the air as we eased
by Charles Brewer Carias, the don’t think it’ll go further than the back to our canoe. One guy
famous explorer, who took test stages but you never know. BAD TRIBES from their tribe was really starting
us to Venezuela and realised One day, the tribe we were to stir up some trouble, and I
that it was still possible to go GOOD TRIBES staying with decided to take us think he just realised that he
somewhere incredibly remote Charles, the explorer, took us to see another tribe, which was had our entire party of just eight
and taste things that nobody in to see tribes he’s known for quite a different proposition. This people in a vulnerable position.
the Western world has tasted some 30 years and to look at tribe – Sanema – is very primitive He decided to sit in our canoe
before. Some of the flavours we the vast biodiversity. It was and only in the last generation and fold his arms. Our chief was
came across there, you just can’t brilliant but I wish I could’ve have they begun settling down in furious and there was a lot of
describe them. The idea that, stayed for more than 10 days. established villages. They’re now back and forth. Eventually, and
in the 21st Century, you can still We stayed with this incredibly learning how to build houses luckily, we were able pull away
taste new things is very exciting. friendly tribe – they are probably and plant crops and that kind in our canoe. Now, I didn’t quite
the most civilised and developed of thing. Visiting them was like realise how serious it all was,
PHOTOS: TIM LEWIS-BALE

THE FINDINGS tribe in the region; they have a going back in time. Something but as I looked back up the slope
We did find some very interesting bit of contact with the Western happened when we arrived of the land I saw six guys with
flavours and we took a little world and speak Spanish – at their village – and I couldn’t bows and arrows pointed at us.
copper still with us. We distilled and they took us to see the understand exactly what it was; Had we tried anything physical,
everything that we found, as plants they use to manufacture tribal politics, perhaps – but I think we would’ve had arrows
flavours do change once they’re medicine from. after a few minutes an argument in our windpipes immediately.
began. Charles said to me, “I It wasn’t until we were leaving
don’t understand what they’re that we saw how close we were
saying but I did hear ‘bow and to being shot at.
 HEALTH FITNESS
Mike Dolce is a former MMA fighter, current, revered UFC coach, and the founder
of UFC FIT. Also an expert when it comes to cutting weight and nutrition, he not only
shares his views on getting fighters in top shape but also a few of his recipes

BE LIKE MIKE
What's the most important The fight is won and lost during Quinoa is a complete food
thing you’ve learnt from the training phase, which is source that contains essential
combat sport? 8–12 weeks before competition. fats, essential amino acids,
A healthy lifestyle is the most Muhammad Ali is famously fibre, and carbohydrates.
important aspect of achieving quoted as saying his It is an excellent overall
your potential as a combat championship titles were source of nutrition.
athlete. It’s not all punches won in the dark, lonely hours
and kicks. It’s truly about of his training camp – not What are the main challenges
being healthy before you during the 12 rounds while the as a coach? And, related to
step inside the Octagon. fans were actually watching. that, is it harder to engage a
Preparation is key to fighter mentally or physically?
Casual fans mightn’t championship performances. The main challenge as a
understand the importance of coach is wanting the athlete
conditioning. How integral is it? Tell us five things we should cut to win more than the athlete
BJ Penn is quoted as saying that out of our diet right now. wants to. I believe in my
strength and conditioning are 1. Processed foods. athletes 100 per cent but,
skills just as important as boxing, 2. Dairy. unfortunately, many athletes
wrestling, and jiu-jitsu, to which 3. Bread. don’t have complete faith
I agree. If you’re not in proper 4. Chemicals. in their abilities like I do. It’s
shape, you cannot showcase 5. Soda. harder to engage an athlete
the technical skills learned from mentally. Physically, athletes
martial arts. If you’re not in shape, Is there one particular food you are used to engaging
you cannot compete. Oftentimes, stumbled upon and found to be themselves and training.
each athlete is equally skilled, a revelation? But it’s the mental sacrifice
but the deciding factor is who and commitment that is the
can keep the pace for the full most challenging.
duration of the fight. That’s why
we call rounds four and five the What’s one of your highlights
“championship rounds”. as a coach?
Vitor Belfort’s re-emergence as
How many fights are lost one of the greatest mixed martial
before the fighters step into artists in the world since I began
the Octagon? working with him is definitely one
of my highlights.

Do you have any healthy

hangover cures?
Absolutely. A healthy hangover
cure is exactly what I give to my
athletes when they step off the
scale: purified water, sea salt,
freshly squeezed lemon, and
a pinch of honey. It replaces
the electrolytes lost because
of the dehydrating effects of
alcohol consumption.

This is the point in the UFC FIT is available at

workout where you
want to choke out Mike ufcfit.com.au and Big W

72 MAXIM.COM.AU
CHICKEN-
APPLE
EAT LIKE A FIGHTER
WITH THESE DOLCE-APPROVED DISHES
QUESADILLAS
✔ Gluten-free.
✔ Serves four.

Ingredients
Breakfast MIKE SAYS
“The staple for any
■ 4 gluten-free
tortillas.
Bowl human being. If the
breakfast bowl works
for my world-class
■ 1 chicken breast; athletes, it will
certainly work
cooked, shredded. for you.”
■ 1 cup aged white
cheddar (optional)
✔ Gluten-free,
or nutritional yeast.
vegetarian.
■ 1 apple, thinly
✔ Serves two.
sliced.
Ingredients
Method
■ ½ cup buckwheat
1. In a large pan,
(gluten-free) or oat
warm one tortilla
bran.
at a time. Sprinkle
■ ¼ cup blueberries.
each with cheese, a
■ ½ cup strawberries.
scoop of shredded
■ ¼ cup sultanas.
chicken, and a thin
■ ½ sliced banana. 4. Pour into bowl
layer of apple.
■ 1 tbsp all-natural 2. Reduce flame and and add peanut butter
2. Fold tortilla in
peanut or almond mix in berries and oat or almond butter.
half; flip over to
butter. bran, stirring often until Top with banana.
cook other side.
■ 1 tbsp ground Method desired consistency 5. Add in a dash of
3. When cheese
flaxseed. 1. In a medium is reached. almond milk or water
melts, remove from
■ Pinch of cinnamon. saucepan, bring one 3. Mix in flaxseed, to thin out oat bran
pan and cut into
■ 1 cup water. cup of water to a boil. raisins, and cinnamon. (if desired).
triangles.

Blueberry
Waldorf Salad MIKE SAYS Banana
✔ Gluten-free. ■ 1 tsp honey. ■ 2 celery stalks,
“This is a tasty
alternative to a
Smoothie
very decadent
✔ Serves two. ■ Freshly ground chopped. meal option.” ✔ Gluten-free,
black pepper, to taste. ■ ¼ cup raisins. MIKE SAYS
vegetarian.
“Smoothies are excellent
Ingredients ■ 2 large apples, ■ ½ lemon, juiced. ✔ Serves meal replacements
■ ½ cup chopped chopped into ■ 1 head cos lettuce, Method
one or two. or post-workout options
walnuts. 1cm pieces. shredded into 1. Mix yoghurt, – much better than
any powdered
■ ½ cup plain yoghurt. bite-size pieces. avocado, parsley,
Ingredients supplement.”
■ 2 tbsp avocado. honey, and pepper
■ 1 cup blueberries.
■ 2 tbsp parsley, in a bowl.
■ 1 banana.
minced. 2. Add apples,
■ 2 dates.
celery, and raisins,
■ 1 cup water.
then sprinkle with
■ ½ cup ice.
lemon juice.
■ 1 tbsp ground
3. Toss with yoghurt
flaxseed.
mixture. Wait until
■ 1 tbsp hemp oil.
you’re ready to eat the
■ 1 tsp agave.
salad before adding
walnuts and lettuce.
Method
Chill before serving.
1. Blend together
and enjoy!

MAXIM.COM.AU 73
HEALTH FITNESS

TURKEY
La Dolce Pizza BURGERS
✔ Gluten-free. onions until wilted. 6. Top with light MIKE SAYS ✔ Gluten-free.
✔ Serves two. 4. Spread diced sprinkling of feta. “My version of pizza
is a healthy option to ✔ Serves two.
tomatoes and their 7. Sprinkle on herb cure the craving for
something bad.”
Ingredients juices over pizza seasoning. Ingredients
■ 1 gluten-free crust, being careful 8. Cook for 30 minutes ■ 225g lean turkey.
or whole-wheat to leave the edge of or until edges of pizza ■ ¼ cup oat bran
pizza crust. the crust plain. crust brown. or buckwheat.
■ Handful of kale. 5. Spread onion ■ 1 whole egg.
■ 1 small onion, and kale mixture. ■ 2 cloves garlic,
chopped. chopped.
■ 400g can diced ■ 1 tsp teriyaki or
tomatoes. Worcestershire
■ 2 tbsp grapeseed oil. sauce.
■ ½ cup feta cheese. ■ 1 dash each
■ Dash of Italian herb of sea salt,
seasoning. pepper, and
oregano.
Method ■ Optional
1. Pre-heat oven toppings:
to 180 degrees. > Romaine lettuce.
2. Sauté onions > Sliced tomato.
in grapeseed oil > Dill pickle.
until tender. > Avocado.
3. Add in handful of > Cheese.
kale and mix with > Ketchup.
> Mustard.

Method
1. Lightly coat pan
WARM QUINOA ■ About 14 cherry with grapeseed
MIKE SAYS CHICKPEA VEGGIE BOWL tomatoes. oil and set on low-
“This is a complete, ■ ¼ cup chopped medium heat.
plant-based source of ✔ Gluten-free, Ingredients red onion (optional). 2. In a large bowl,
nutrition for those vegetarian. ■ 1 cup cooked quinoa.
who do not wish to combine everything
consume animal ✔ Serves two-to-four. ■ 1 tbsp grapeseed oil. Method except toppings
products.” ■ 1 red pepper. 1. Cook quinoa and mix well.
■ 1 green pepper. according to package 3. Shape into 4–5
■ ¾ cup chickpeas. directions and set palm-sized patties.
aside to cool. 4. Place patties
2. Slice peppers and in pan and flatten
onions and sauté in with spatula.
grapeseed oil for a 5. Cook, covered,
few minutes until soft. over indirect
3. Toss tomatoes medium heat for
into the pan with the 4–6 minutes on
peppers/onions mix. each side or until
Sauté for another 2–3 meat is no longer
minutes until tomato pink inside.
skin begins to crumple. 6. Serve on
4. Add in chickpeas bread or wrapped
and sauté for in lettuce with
another minute. optional toppings.
5. Scoop quinoa
into individual serving
bowls and then top
with veggie mixture.

74 MAXIM.COM.AU
 NOT JUST A MAGAZINE
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HEALTH FITNESS

Anatomy
of an athlete
Ahead of his appearance at the 2014 Winter Olympics
in Sochi, Russia (from February 7–23), Scotty James
explains how he gets his body in peak condition

CORE LEGS
When I think of Strain on the legs
my core, I think of at competitions
control. Control and training on
over my body, snow can make
my board, and it feel like a very
my movement long day. Hiking
through the the pipe and
half-pipe and standing around
slopestyle course. waiting for your
The explosive turn to drop can
power needed get tiring as well,
through my so it’s important for
core muscles me to have a good
is essential level of muscular
for executing endurance in
difficult tricks like my legs. As well
the triple cork. as helping with
strength, and
power and control
on the board,
ANKLES conditioning my
Becoming taller legs helps to MENTALITY
and heavier over prevent any injuries For me, mental
the past few preparation is the
years [Scotty had most important
an almost-20cm part of training and
growth spurt in competing. It’s the
2012] means my ARMS mental, not the
ankles have had Most people physical strength,
to cope with more probably don’t that gets me out of
impact than ever think arms are an bed to train when
before. They’re important part of I’m tired or land
easy to forget the body to have a solid run when
about but extremely conditioned for nerves are getting
important to snowboarding. I like the better of me at
prepare, in order to to train my whole a big competition.
have a comfortable, body, so that I’m fit With all the hype
stable ride. In the for any challenge my and excitement that
gym I work on the sport might throw at builds around the
tiny stabilising me. Having a bit of Olympics, being
PHOTO: RED BULL CONTENT POOL

muscles around extra muscle around able to block out

my ankles using a my shoulders has distractions and
balance board and always acted as focus on just riding
a BOSU to try and good protection will be what gets
simulate what they for when I take a me the results
might go through big fall off a jump I have been
when I’m on snow. or in the pipe. working towards.

76 MAXIM.COM.AU
 I like to train
my whole
I bl iokdey,t os ot rtahi n
at
I’m fit for any
challenge my
sport might What’s your earliest memory How do you stay motivated?
throw at me. of snowboarding? Keep having fun! I never want
I can still remember the first snowboarding to feel like a
time I strapped in at the top of job. Reminding myself of how
Bourke Street run at Mt Buller lucky I am to be doing what I’m
and took my first turns on my doing keeps me motivated to
tiny board. It looked like a keep going.
skateboard with bindings on
it. When I’m on the hill and I If you weren’t doing this,
see little kids strapping in, I’m what would you be doing
always reminded of that day. instead?
Growing up, I always loved
What are the best and worst riding dirt bikes, so maybe a
things about participating in motocross racer. Or a pro surfer.
your sport? Definitely something active and
It’s awesome being able to outdoors. I’m not sure how well
travel the world and ride at I’d go sitting in an office. I can’t
all of the best mountains. The sit still for five minutes!
snowboarding community is
like a big, travelling circus and Do you ever dream of sitting
I feel so lucky to be a part of on the couch, watching TV all
it. Getting injured isn’t fun, day, and just getting fat?
but the worst part is probably After long competition weeks
being away from home for long I always think about how great
periods of time. There’s no it would be to do that – and
place like home. sometimes it’s good to have a
day where you sit on the couch
Briefly talk us through a and watch movies all day – but
week’s training. I would go crazy if it was for
It depends what time of year more than a day.
it is. During winter I mostly
spend time on the board, so What’s in your gym bag?
my off-hill routine is more Music to help me switch off
of a maintenance type of and mentally prepare, protein
training: basic fitness, a little shakes, a towel, healthy food to
bit of strength work, and lots snack on in between runs, and
of stretching. In the off-season plenty of Red Bull Zero to keep
I train six days a week, aiming my energy levels up and my
for two one-hour sessions per mind focused on the goal.
day. Sometimes it’s weights,
sometimes it’s cardio, and What would you buy with
sometimes I’ll be jumping on a your last $5?
trampoline practicing tricks for Tattslotto ticket.
an hour! I like to change it up
as much as possible and I have
to fit a few surfing sessions in
there, too.

MAXIM.COM.AU 77
 T R AV E L U S A

DANIEL STEINER AND SANTI PINTADO SKIP A TYPICAL LA TRIP FOR A SIX-DAY DISCOVERY MISSION OF EATING AND DRINKING
THEIR WAY THROUGH WEHO BEFORE TRYING TO RECOVER IN NEARBY SANTA MONICA – ON SOMEONE ELSE’S DIME, OF COURSE!

FOR TWO BLUE-COLLAR KIDS FROM SYDNEY WHO GREW UP TO BECOME TWO AZURE-
COLLAR BLOKES IN THE MUCH-REVERED MEN’S MAG INDUSTRY, BEING PICKED UP
IN A TOWN CAR FROM LAX (LOS ANGELES INTERNATIONAL AIRPORT), WHERE OUR
DRIVER PATIENTLY WAITS OVER AN HOUR FOR US (ALL THE WHILE HOLDING AN
iPAD WITH SANTI’S NAME ON IT!), IS A SURE SIGN YOU’VE FINALLY MADE IT...

could write an essay about this

place alone. Teak and foliage, day
beds, trees in giant novelty pots,
spicy Bloody Marys and hot, VERY
HOT patrons – oh, you know God
made them. It averages around
300C in the three days we’re
in West Hollywood (or WeHo
as the locals call it) so a lot of 1
time is spent poolside, and it’s 1) Our limo driver, Fuji, and his classy airport
a religious experience. Tip: when pick-up; 2 & 4) Dan doing his best to hide his
boner from the overflow of hotties at Skybar
not in the pool sit at the shaded pool; 3) Our fancy pants room at The Mondrian;
table, near the water cooler, as 5 & 6) Pink Taco – hot food, hotter waitresses.
bikini-clad hotties hang here
regularly to rehydrate and, much
to our disbelief, you can engage
them in conversation... with ease.

CHILLI CON CARNAGE

Dinner is a short stroll (who says
you need a car to get around LA?)
to hip Mexican restaurant Pink
Taco, where it’s hard not to notice
the illuminated charms of Body
Shop – a strip club located very
close to the Mondrian (more on
■ WEST HOLLYWOOD (aka WeHo) this later) and which celebrities
■ SANTA MONICA (only 12kms or a 20-minute drive from LAX) often frequent – yes, we’re looking
at you, DiCaprio. Pink Taco has
similarly alluring signage and, with
its large portions and flavour orgy, 2
A SKYBAR, A PINK TACO
OR TWO, AND ONE UGLY
SUNSET STRIP MISHAP

HOTEL; CALIFORNIA performed in adult films but we

Upon entering our room at the imagine it’s rather messy). There’s
Mondrian Los Angeles Hotel a plush, nicely appointed couch,
on Sunset Boulevard, West a big, swivelling mirror containing
Hollywood, the first thing we the TV, and enough room for a
realise is it’s way too sophisticated Hollywood after party. And then
to have sex in (disclaimer: we’ve you’ve got Skybar; sweet, sweet
only seen sexual intercourse Skybar. It’s heaven on Earth. We 3

80 MAXIM.COM.AU
 supplemented by top-shelf tequila VOM ENCHANTED EVENING
and the most beautiful waitresses Pearl’s Liquor Bar, a few doors down
in the history of the foodservice on Sunset Boulevard, is where the
industry, it’s hard to beat this place. next few shots, and an array of
dance floor atrocities, occur. In a
vile turn of events, at 1am Santi and
his drunk gut decide to greet (see:
shock) the late-night al fresco diners
by puking thrice – before collapsing
arse-first onto his muddy puddle.
This puts an end to our planned bar
crawl to cool WeHo bars like The
Den, Tower Bar, and Saddle Ranch,
but if you’ve ever wondered why
lockout was introduced (venues in
4 5 LA close at 2am), wonder no more. 6

HOLLYWOOD HIKING,
MORE DRINKING, AND
A STRIPPER’S STILETTO
TO THE FOREHEAD

TAKE A WALK, BUDDY

Best we skip straight to the arvo
and not even try to explain our 1) Dan takes in the best view of
hideous, head-caving-in morning Los Angeles atop the Hollywood
Hills; 2 & 3) The MAXIM crew
where we’re unable to form a experience the greatest hike
sentence until noon. Anyway... in LA at Griffith Park; 4) Santi’s
obligatory tourist snap at
Griffith J. Griffith, known for a Griffith Observatory; 5) Chi
fortune amassed from his mining Lin – one of the many awesome
restaurants WeHo has to offer
expertise and the non-fatal and arguably the best Chinese
shooting of his wife, donated what food in the neighbourhood. 1

is now known as Griffith Park to the

city of Los Angeles in 1896. Today,
we take a brilliant guided hike
through it with Bill Miltenberger,
one of the owners of Bikes & Hikes
LA. Over the next three hours, in
the glorious California sun, we
stroll past Griffith Observatory
and up the Hollywood Hills, with
aptly cinematic views of LA the
entire time. Sure it’s awesome,
but smarter men would suggest
coming here for a picturesque
picnic with a Skybar hottie. Instead, 2
we only have a small MAXIM crew
and an even smaller rattlesnake to where big rock names such as Led Zeppelin,
keep us company. How romantic! Alice Cooper, Lemmy, and John Lennon
If you like your martini hot and rendezvoused with groupies. We soak up the
sour our dinner destination, Chi history as our livers soak up a few JD and
Lin, is the place for you. Other Cokes. We attempt to kick-on to The Roxy but
things that put this fusion of soon find out 1am is no time to try to get into
ancient China and modern LA WeHo bars. Instead, we grab a few bottles of 3
in our good books: the Peking
4 5
Duck, Scallion Pancakes with
Braised Short Rib, and Hong Kong
Pineapple Rice. Our taste buds
still get boners whenever they
think about these dishes.

INEVITABLE BODY SHOP VISIT

Like its neighbours The Roxy, The
Viper Room, and Whisky a Go
Go, Rainbow Bar & Grill is an LA
institution. Decades back it was

MAXIM.COM.AU 81
 T R AV E L U S A

rum from the nearest liquor store

and down them back at our hotel.
Two hours later we’re walking to
a strip club. Hey, Body Shop! Told
you we’d be back, but wish you’d
6) Like a couple
mentioned all-nude strip clubs in of old rockers,
LA don’t sell liquor! Lucky for you Dan and MAXIM
photographer,
we’re hammered. We order water Wayne, kick-back
from the sexy waitress, stare at the with a few Jack
Daniel’s at
procession of fake boobies, and Rainbow Bar and
pay way too much for a private Grill; 7) All signs
point to “YES!”
show which ends with one of us Thanks for the
bleeding from the forehead... “memorable”
time, Body Shop.
6 7

DAY THREE
SCARS AND STRIPES
It’s a telltale sign of a great night
ONE HUNGOVER BRUNCH,
BUZZ BUTTONS, AND THE
HILARIOUS HUSTLER STORE

when you awake with a stiletto

imprint in the middle of your head.
When Santi ambles into Aussie-
owned Eveleigh (a café with
good vibes, priding itself on fresh
produce) he sports such a mark.
It’s like the hedonist’s version of 1 2

Harry Potter’s scar – if only the

wizard could encounter a stripper’s
backflip move and ensuing
“accidental” stiletto to the face!
After a lovely brunch, this powerful
scar leads us on a quick walk to
Hustler Hollywood. If you like porn
and dildos and T-shirts bragging
about the size of your genitals, visit
here. No photos, apparently, but
how could we not take a pic with
the Pipedream Extreme? Google it. 3

1 & 2) Eveleigh – good vibes, great hangover food;

3, 4 & 5) Hustler Hollywood store – where hygiene
comes first when handling dildos; 6) Our favourite
WeHo watering hole; 7) An old hardware store 4 5
now serving up a killer menu; 8) The “buzz button”.
FEEL THE BUZZ whether it’s the kale salad, opulent
The Hudson refers to itself pork belly, or fungal revelation that
as: “Your new neighbourhood is the roasted mushroom pizza.
watering hole.” Fair call. It’s twilight We definitley recommend the
on a Sunday and this bar is apt for signature cocktails, paired with
a sesh involving numerous, very what the restaurant calls “buzz
hoppy IPAs. In our case, the many buttons”. Eat this little green bud
beers and mojitos are a prelude after taking a sip of your drink and
to our dinner at nearby Laurel the result is a supercharging of the
Hardware – an old hardware store tongue akin to vigorously rubbing
turned funky WeHo eatery. The Velcro on it – except it feels good.
menu here is a gift and a curse in After more cocktails we crash out
7 that you want to order everything, by 1am. Next stop: Santa Monica! 8

82 MAXIM.COM.AU
 2

DAY FOUR
1
FIVE-STAR RESORT
BUNGALOWS, BAKED
MAC & CHEESE, AND
A DUDE MAKEOVER

HELLO, ’MONICA! massaging Santi’s feet) take us

Saying farewell to Skybar is a through our top-notch pedicure
harrowing ordeal but it’s all a salt scrub and head and shoulder 1 & 2) The giant bungalows and
distant memory 30 minutes later massage. Revitalised and looking pool at Fairmont Miramar Hotel
& Bungalows; 3) Not all dude
when our limo arrives at Santa prettier than ever before, a few makeovers (see: male spa
Monica’s leafy and luxurious hours later we decide to stuff treatments) are done by, er,
dudes – Santi just got lucky;
Fairmont Miramar Hotel and our beautiful mugs at The Misfit 4) The Misfit – prepare to drink
Bungalows. After the rock star Restaurant + Bar. The entire menu and dine!; 5) The best way to
get around town; 6) Late-night
indulgences of WeHo, a few days deserves praise but the standout cocktail? Try The Penthouse;
relaxing at a beachside locale, in a is the baked mac & cheese, which 7) The classic Santa Monica Pier.
bungalow big enough to house the packs a flavour uppercut (as do
4 5
entire MAXIM office, should do us the jugs of sangria). Our first night
some good. The first order of the in Santa Monica ends with a classy
day is a poolside lunch at Fig, one (and a little blurry) nightcap at The
of the fine places to dine at this Penthouse. For those who favour
quality five-star hotel. Naturally, this sweeping ocean views, decadent
is followed by a “Dude Makeover” cocktails, and the company of
at Alchemie Spa, a 10-minute bike good-looking people, this place
ride down the road or, as we opt ticks all these boxes.
for, along the beach. Biking around
6
Santa Monica is standard and
hiring locations are ample. Our
pair of wheels is free (all Fairmont
7
guests receive complimentary bike
hire daily) and they’re not just any
bikes – they’re BMW-made, bitch!
Man spa treatments are popular
in LA and the cool Alchemie staff
(including the chatty Russian dude
3

MAXIM.COM.AU 83
 T R AV E L U S A

DAY FIVE
HOT YOGA, BIKING
THE BEACH, FATHER’S
OFFICE, SUITE 700, AND
THE CURIOUS PALATE
4
SWEATING OUR YOGA ASS OFF Dan recovers his breath and
5
We can’t be certain if Hot 8 Yoga’s actually feels really invigorated. Curious Palate uses high-quality,
name is a reference to the eighth All the while, Santi takes the easy fresh, sustainable, and natural
circle of hell. In hindsight, it’s a option and goes on a brilliant two- ingredients. And they ain’t shy
challenging and enlightening hour biking trek along the ocean when it comes to feeding patrons.
experience that kick-starts to check out neighbouring Venice An array of burgers, Reuben
Dan’s day with a jolt. At the time, Beach and Pacific Palisades. sandwiches, salads, and taco
however, goddamn. Getting up Meanwhile, the day takes yet a tasting plates are laid before us.
after a night of traditional American more painful turn for Dan, when Keeping it hospitable, a slew of
cuisine and more beers than is Wyatt Hicks, the Fairmont Fitness craft beers are also brought out. 1) Hot 8 Yoga did this to Dan;
2) The Santa Monica to Venice
advisable is a struggle at the best Director, asks if he’s ready for his It’s some Ancient-Roman-banquet Beach bike trail is a must; 3) One
of times. Things get exponentially personal training session. Um… goodness and a welcome change of the many beachside Perry’s
Cafe & Rentals, where you hire
worse when Dan enters a room sure! Nice guy that he is, Wyatt is from the AM’s perspiration fest. bikes and get a quick bite to eat;
heated to 400C and with rainforest- very encouraging and deliberately 4) Santi never really hopped off
his complimentary BMW bike;
level humidity. About halfway takes it easy on Dan. He’s even WHO’S YOUR DADDY? 5) Santa Monica Place and Third
through the incredibly sweaty nice enough to educate him about The Hotel Shangri-La’s Suite 700 Street Promenade will meet all
your shopping needs; 6) Dan
bend-fest, it becomes apparent biomechanics but, sadly, Dan finds bar has a view of the Santa Monica tries not to pass out during his
skipping breakfast (NEVER, EVER it hard to hear with all the sweat in PT session; 7) The delicous
Curious Palate food; 8) Hotel
attend a hot yoga class unless his ears. On the plus side, there’s 9 Shangri-La’s Suite 700 rooftop
you’re well-hydrated and have no video evidence of this feeble bar; 9) The beers and burgers
are best at Father’s Office.
something in your system) is a attempt at beach fitness.
terrible idea. For beginners who Pier and surrounding coastline that
aren’t particularly fit, it’s normal to IN SANTA’S LAP makes it feel like your corneas are
feel faint (some even pass out or The gargantuan outdoor mall receiving the happiest of happy
puke) as the session nears its end. complex, known as Santa Monica endings. Pair it with a mojito and
Done with the gruelling workout, Place, is our lunch stop because killer sunset on a balmy night, as
any energy required for shopping we do, and we are living large over
6
is sapped by the yoga and PT. The a few pre-dinner drinks. Speaking
of large, it’s funny what an intense
8
workout does. It gives Dan a sense
he’s earned the right to throw
dietary guidelines out the window.
The place for this is Father’s Office.
If not for the plethora of brews,
then surely for its iconic burgers
7
– specifically, the Office Burger
– and sides that rival the mains,
in terms of size and taste. Rowdy
college hangout Brick + Mortar is
our final port of call – for Fireball
cinnamon whisky shots. Zero out
of 10 sleep specialists agree it
assists in a great night’s rest.
84 MAXIM.COM.AU
 3
4

1 2

DAY SIX
5
PADDLEBOARDING, SHOTS,
LOBSTER ROLLS, SHOTS,
HAPPY HOUR, MORE
SHOTS, AND KARAOKE
WORDS: DANIEL STEINER & SANTI PINTADO; PHOTOS: WAYNE DANIELS; SPECIAL THANKS TO: ANDY KEOWN @ VISIT WEST HOLLYWOOD & JACKIE ALVAREZ @ SANTA MONICA CONVENTION AND VISITORS BUREAU

RIGHT AS RAIN systems, tonight is our last in

It would be remiss of us to have a Santa Monica. As expected, it 3
sleep-in when the sun is out and will be spent eating and drinking
the waves are a short walk from to excess. Happy Hour at The chalk in the back room. 2) Cool
our bungalows. However, today is Craftsman is stop #1. Once the local live music. 3) Comfy couches. 6
partly cloudy and raining a little. stomach is lined – with beer and 4) The shot-happy manager, Brad,
Still, there’s paddleboarding to criminally underpriced cocktails – it helping us put away multiple
enjoy. Since we’re bound to get dawns upon us that pizza has been Fireball and Pickleback shooters.
wet anyway, it seems logical to gastronomically underrepresented As the old saying we’re about
hit the surf. Led out by our pals on this trip. As a remedy, we eat to butcher goes: all roads lead to
at Poseidon Stand Up Paddle approximately 1.5 of them, each, a dodgy karaoke bar you vomit in,
Boards, we make our way around at the outstanding Stella Barra on, and around. An unassuming
the city’s famous pier. Seriously, Pizzeria. At this stage, more and welcoming venue, The Gaslite
if you want a hangover cure, try sensible men than us would now crowd doesn’t care what the f–k
1, 2 & 3) Dan’s morning paddle
paddleboarding at Santa Monica retreat back to the lavish hotel you do, so long as you’re having board is a great hangover
Beach in the rain – it really is some and watch cable TV in the plush fun doing it. Some patrons do care remedy; 4 & 5) Interesting
shopping at Third Street and
Zen shit, fellas! bed. F–k that! We’re not going that unofficial US anthem, “Don’t Santa Monica Place; 6) The
The gloomy weather continues anywhere until the pizza we just Stop Believin’”, is being sonically calm before The Craftsman’s
Happy Hour storm; 7 & 9) Santi
but it takes more than this to smashed threatens to reappear. slain (by three drunk Aussie blokes and even more shots at The
stop us from a spot of shopping The Basement Tavern serves and Santa Monica PR girl, Jackie, Basement; 8 & 10) There
really is no better way to end
and a late lunch at beachside Allagash beer and has a vast who we’ve clearly corrupted), your Santa Monica trip than
eatery, The Water Grill, where assortment of whiskies. Other but they dance on regardless, beers and karaoke at cool
dive bar The Gaslite.
local businessmen do deals over qualities that endear it to us: before exiting the venue at 3am
seafood meals. The only thing on 1) Pretty girls drawing murals with – stepping over a spew-stained 10
our agenda is continuing to eat our Santi passed out on the sidewalk.
way through California. Our picks One more for the road, eh, boss?!
here? Wild Jumbo Mexican White And therein lies the beauty of
Shrimp Bánh Mì, New England both West Hollywood and Santa
Lobster Roll, and the hefty Banana Monica. No, not the vomiting. Take
Chocolate Sundae. Boom! away the awesome restaurants
and bars and you’re left only with
IGNOBLE GAS the people: a weird and wonderful
In what is a triumphant realisation bunch who know how to party and
for our livers and digestive 7 want you to join their festivities.

HOW WE GOT THERE

United Airlines flies a daily service
from Sydney and Melbourne to Los
Angeles. For all reservations and
enquiries, please call 131 777 or
visit their website: united.com

8 9

VISITWESTHOLLYWOOD.COM SANTAMONICA.COM MAXIM.COM.AU 85

 T R AV E L U S A

CALIFORNICATION
THERE’S MORE TO CALI THAN THE THRILLS OF WEST HOLLYWOOD
AND SANTA MONICA. HERE’S SOME OTHER COOL STUFF TO SEE
AND DO ON YOUR TRAVELS THROUGH THE GOLDEN STATE

SPORT!
California is home to more professional sports
franchises (20) than any other state. The NBA
is currently in full-flight and there’s four teams
to choose from; the 2014 baseball season gets
swinging at the end of March; soccer kicks
off at the end of January; and ice hockey
playoffs begin in April. If you want a rowdier
atmosphere (trust us, you do), there are
LA LAKER GIRLS plenty of college sports options on offer.

CHEERS!
BEER: Much acclaimed and
highly decorated, the California
craft brewing industry is the one
that actually sparked the modern GREENBAR COLLECTIVE NBA BASKETBALL
American craft beer movement

RIDES!
(some 40 years ago). Cali produces an educational adventure
more craft beer than any other into wine-land.
US state, with the hotspots being SPIRITS: Who knew Cali was
So Cal, San Diego County, and such a pioneering state in terms
Sonoma County. of alcohol? After Prohibition, the
WINE: A whopping 90 per cent of first craft distillers of spirits plied Disneyland (in Anaheim).
the wine produced in America hails their trade here. Now, there are Obviously. Just you try
from California, so it’s obviously a nation-leading almost-30 such not to have a good time
an area that knows its grape juice. distillers in the state. If you dig here (the Mad Tea Party
If you’re a novice or looking for a organic ingredients and botanicals, spinning tea cups are
boozy day out with your lady, the Greenbar Collective, in Downtown our fave). Just opposite
Santa Barbara Urban Wine Trail is LA, is definitely worth a look. is Disney California
Adventure, where the
rides are faster and
renovations wrapped up
in 2012, so it’s still pretty
shiny and new. From a GIANT DIPPER IN SANTA CRUZ
traditional standpoint
there’s the Giant Dipper
Roller Coaster, Santa Cruz Beach Boardwalk’s signature ride,
which has seen more than 60 million bums on seats since it
opened 90 years ago. Also, if you’re around in October, stop
in at Universal Studios Hollywood for Halloween Horror Nights.
The studio that invented the horror genre has all its usual thrill
rides operating but cranks up the spooky factor with immersive,
interactive experiences, like zombies roaming around with
SANTA BARBARA URBAN WINE TRAIL chainsaws and two scary mazes to explore.

86 MAXIM.COM.AU
 BEERS & BLUESAPALOOZA PLAYBOY JAZZ FESTIVAL

STAGECOACH

FESTIVALS!
Celebrity favourite Coachella
takes place in Indio on April 12
and 19, 2014. Last year’s line-up COACHELLA
was an embarrassment of riches,
including: Red Hot Chili Peppers,
The XX, Phoenix, Wu-Tang Clan,
and Tame Impala. The weekend
of April 25 is dominated by
Stagecoach (also in Indio),
known locally as the country music
cousin of Coachella. Best of all, if
you’ve got a family, the three-day
event is an all-ages shindig. From
July 31 to August 3, the beautiful COACHELLA HOTTIES
backdrop of Mammoth Lakes plays

BOARDING!
host to the Mammoth Festival Of
Beers And Bluesapalooza, which
brings together the nation’s top SURF AND SKI IN
craft breweries and its best blues THE SAME DAY!
performers – good luck not having
fun at this one. Last is the Playboy Take the ultimate California
Jazz Festival (June 13–15 at the challenge: surf and ski in the
Hollywood Bowl). Taking place SQUAW VALLEY same day. Your trip begins in the
during summer, you can kick back chilled coastal towns north of San
on a blanket or lawn chair under Francisco, then, 375km later, your
the stars and enjoy the best of odyssey will take you across the
new and old jazz. But don’t take Central Valley to the snowy Sierra
our word for it: “I've had a lot of for some night skiing at legendary
things to be proud of in my life. Squaw Valley USA ski resort. Allow
But nothing more, quite frankly, us to break down your options, floodlights. Don’t worry, if night
than the Jazz Festival,” says Hef. chairman of the boards: skiing doesn’t excite you, there
STINSON BEACH >Bolinas: A consistently friendly are a heap of park features to get
break positioned on the coastline the adrenalin flowing.
of a funky, super-relaxed town. >Bonus outdoorsy activity: The
>Stinson Beach: Some 4km east- highest summit in America (not
southeast of Bolinas, this plays counting Alaska) is the 4,421m
host to some bigger waves and is Mount Whitney. Located in the
for the more experienced surfer. Inyo National Forest, which sits
>Squaw Valley: You made it! in the Eastern Sierra region, this
Time to hit the slopes – after is a hiker’s dream. Plus, there are
dark, of course (unless you have over 150km of trails specifically
a rocket car). Cruise down 5km groomed for winter use, so bring
of intermediate terrain lit with your board/skis/snowmobile!

VISITC A LIFORNIA .COM . AU MAXIM.COM.AU 87

 Phil’s New York
Deli & Tavern
T R AV E L U S A

Charlotte, North Carolina

Phil’s claims to have an
“authentic New York
atmosphere”, which is true,
we suppose, if they’re basing
it on the fact that it’s dirty, old,
and overcrowded. While the
sandwiches don’t hold a candle
to those you get in the Big
Apple, the nightly drink specials
(including $3 well drinks on
Fridays and $2.50 Bud Lights
on Saturdays) are a New York
City bum’s dream come true.
One-star Yelp review:
“Looks and feels as greasy
and grimy as it smells.”

The Big Hunt

Washington, D.C.
This Dupont Circle
[neighbourhood] dive lives up
to its name with big-game décor
and a meat-market-y scene of
millennials on the prowl. Come
on Tuesdays for 15¢ wings and
$2.50 Pabst Blue Ribbon (PBR).
There’s also a rooftop patio for
those who want to jump after
With help from some of the sexiest ladies in the States, reader tanking at Monday night trivia.
submissions, and an industrial-size tub of hand sanitiser, our One-star Yelp review: “I would
not shed a tear if a meteor
brothers at MAXIM M US scoured their vast nation for the sleaziest,
turned that awful excuse for a
seediest, stickiest places to drink. Stumble along with us, won’t you? bar into a smouldering crater.”

READER
‘Reel M’ Inn Tavern PUB CRAWL
Portland, Oregon Ordinary
Neon signs on the walls Americans
share their
keep this windowless bar most beloved
just bright enough to see local cesspits
the $2 PBR tallboy before
you – and just dark enough
The Dive Bar
to hide the excessive, built- Las Vegas, NV
up oil on its single fryer. “Wish someone
One-star Yelp review: would’ve shot me
on the way in.”
“I saw a crackhead lady —JEREMIE OVERSON
nearly getting it on with a
patron on the pool table.”

BELLES AT THE BAR HOMETOWN HOTTIES REVEAL THEIR FAVOURITE DIVES

CAITLIN O’CONNOR JORDAN WRIGHT

Titlow Tavern & Grille Squeeze Inn
Uniontown, Pennsylvania Denver, Colorado
Everybody knows Betty From the wood-faced
behind the bar, since beer fridges to the grimy
she’s been working at chequered tile, this place
Titlow for about 30 years! screams old charm.
Matt’s Bar & Grill St. Pauli Bar
Chicago, Illinois
Minneapolis, Minnesota Palace Saloon To fit in with the rest of the
Built in 1954, Matt’s is considered a “landmark”, which is what polite Tallahassee, German regulars at this
Midwesterners call decrepit old bars that look like your grandma’s Florida shadowy Chicago dive, order
“I met a girl there
basement. Between the wood-panelled walls, locals sit on cracked who had given yourself a Spaten and a shot
vinyl barstools and down Grain Belt Premiums [the venerable local birth 12 days prior of schnapps. Repeat until last
drop] after biting into a Jucy Lucy, the bar’s signature misspelt burger to going back to call at 4am. By morning you’ll
the bar. I guess
– molten American cheese crimped between two beef patties. she’d waited long
feel like death, but at least you
One-star Yelp review: “I was not warned about the Jucy Lucy’s enough…” won’t remember hitting on one
explosive nature, and burned myself. They were lucky I didn’t —ALLEN ANTHONY of the leathery old beer maids.
pull a McDonald’s hot coffee lawsuit.” One-star Yelp review:
“This is the place old female
bartenders go to die, like
Photo-bombed an elephant graveyard.”
by mustard
and ketchup

The Gaslite
Los Angeles, California
This Santa Monica bar plays
host to the best and the worst
of Tinseltown: Hipsters, talent
agents, middle-aged women,
and aspiring starlets take turns
on the light-up karaoke stage.
Drinks are standard, but you’ll
appreciate the free self-serve
popcorn machine located
unapologetically next to one
of the filthiest bathrooms in LA.
One-star Yelp review:
“Wouldn’t be as bad if the odour
of vomit didn’t permeate the
entire place.”

Jimmy’s Corner
New York, New York
Retired boxing trainer Jimmy
Glenn owns this Midtown hole-
in-the-wall, and it shows: Fight
posters and photos of pugilists
are plastered on the walls like
Dolphin Lounge Ray’s Happy B-day Bar a T.G.I. Friday’s that’ll give you
Columbus, Ohio Philadelphia, Pennsylvania a black eye. Despite the bar’s
It’s unclear why, 800km from This bar owes its name to the proximity to Times Square, it’s
the sea, dolphins cover the original owner’s habit of greeting free of tourists, thanks to the
walls, but during winter, this customers with: “Happy birthday!” deft verbal punches delivered
aquatic-themed shithole If it really is your B-day, first drink’s by the surly waitstaff.
feels like paradise. Provided on the house. One-star Yelp review:
paradise is where townies One-star Yelp review: “I was “This little old Russian lady
head-bang to live music. only in the place for five minutes, came to our table and was a
One-star Yelp review: “The and I smelled like a dirty ashtray total bitch. She reminded me
regulars at this place give for the rest of the night.” of the evil gypsy lady from
outsiders the stank eye.” Drag Me to Hell!”

DOMINIQUE STORELLI BOBBIE GREI ASHLEY MICHAELSEN

The Treasure Trove Brooklyn Stable McFadden’s
Fort Lauderdale, Florida Brooklyn, New York New York, New York
Rocking live music and Last time I was there, I danced on the bar to
rum punches. Bartenders they had a hip-hop-oldies ‘Pour Some Sugar On Me’,
serve you with a smile PJ party. We had a big which I’ve wanted to do
and a stiff cocktail. pillow fight on the street! ever since Coyote Ugly.
 T R AV E L U S A

Pictured: The Invisible Man Mac’s Club Deuce

playing a midget in eight ball
Miami, Florida
This simple South Beach club
is open 22 hours a day, half of
which is a two-for-one happy
hour (from 8am to 7pm). That
leaves you two hours a day to
spend with your family... if you’re
into shit like that.
One-star Yelp review:
“I’d appreciate it if the patrons
had the courtesy to use coke in
the stall and not by the sink.”

Bikini Lounge
Phoenix, Arizona
Decorated to resemble what
rednecks imagine when they
hear the word “Hawaii”, this
tiki-themed dive is a popular
destination for thirsty Phoenicians
who just want to get lei’d.
One-star Yelp review:
“I felt like I needed a shower and
a tall glass of Airborne [vitamin
supplement] after I left.”

Croke Park/Whitey’s
Eastlake Zoo Tavern Boston, Massachusetts
Named for its former owner
Seattle, Washington Kings Bar
Hilliard, Florida Whitey McGrail, who was
At this zoo, watch out for pool sharks – especially weekdays, from 3pm “The only bar gunned down in the pub in
I know where
to 6pm, when billiards is free and discounted beers are downed like I go to listen to the
1985, this Southie dive is where
fresh chum. But no matter the time or day, pitchers of local pale lager bartenders’ life hard-drinking degenerates
Rolling Rock are always nine bucks and you’re welcome to play other problems. When bring their problems – and
I leave, I realise
barroom games, like pinball and ping-pong. If you can make it through my life is pretty
bartenders’ heavy-handed
the night without getting beat up, you win. damn good.” pours help them forget ’em.
One-star Yelp review: “Went there to play shuffleboard and was told –MIKE MEKARA One-star Yelp review:
by a nasty hipster female to “Beat it, bitch!” She then resumed her “I’ve been to crackhouses
game. This zoo is truly full of animals.” where I’ve felt safer.”

Magnolia Bar & Grill Poodle Dog Lounge

Louisville, Kentucky Austin, Texas
Proving its resiliency, Mag Bar Expect an assortment of
reopened less than 24 hours mullets and sleeveless T-shirts
after an SUV crashed through at this redneck haven – and if
the front door. But it’s hard you want anything other than
to tell what was wrecked, beer, don’t forget to bring
because everything looks like moonshine, because this place
it was pulled from the trash. is BYO liquor. Yee-haw!
One-star Yelp review: One-star Yelp review:
“Looks more like a “Hanging with inbreds isn’t
condemned property really my favourite thing ever.”
than a bar.”

BELLES AT THE BAR CONTINUED!

LAUREN WOODSUM BRITTNEY ALGER

Stress Free Moose La Descarga
Greenville, Maine Los Angeles, California
The food is good and It’s a speakeasy Cuban
cheap, and where else bar with live bands,
can you get a shot burlesque dancers, and
called Moose Piss? many other surprises!
 It burns going down BJ’s Lounge
(and coming back up)
New Orleans, Louisiana
Whether the music-loving
locals are extra friendly
because they’re hopped
up on cheap beer, live R&B
bands, or free red beans
and rice, don’t be surprised
if one of the old-timers
provides valuable life advice
after you confess your
depressing existence to him.
One-star Yelp review:
“If you took Cheers, Bud
Light, and the road crew
of Lynyrd Skynyrd, you
would have BJ’s.”

Champagnes Café
Las Vegas, Nevada
Far from the glitz of the
Strip, there’s a piece of old
Vegas nestled between two
strip malls. Inside, the red
velvet wallpaper is faded
from smoke and time, and
well drinks still run $3 a
pop. Jackpot!
One-star Yelp review:
“Spazzing bartender started a
shouting match with friends.”

Clermont Lounge
Atlanta, Georgia
Since this seedy basement
bar opened in 1965, not
Bad Decisions much has changed –
including the strippers.
Baltimore, Maryland The Old Pink
Buffalo, New York Geriatric nude ladies shimmy
Don’t step foot in this janky-looking corner bar without protection. “Cheap beer, on stage; veteran dancer
a pool table,
By which we mean, beta-blockers. Your heart will need ’em if you’re Blondie crushes empty
the best steak
there for “Bacon Night”. Once a month, owner John Reusing designs sandwich in town beer cans with her boobs.
a new pork-belly-themed menu and goes through 68kg of meat. Pair made behind the Your grandma’s rack isn’t
the grease bombs with a pint of the double-smoked porter or an bar, and all the nearly as impressive.
deadbeats you
apple-bacon martini for an added eff-you to your cardiologist. can handle!” One-star Yelp review:
One-star Yelp review: “There is seating at the bar and some tables. —RYAN TWARDOWSKI “I had to give this old lady
The people lucky enough to get tables had a great view of everyone’s $1 to stop showing me
rear in their face while trying to eat.” her junk.”

GERMS DRINK FREE!

Armed with a medical-grade bacteria detector from Sanitopia.com, MAXIM US spent a night in
one of NYC’s grimiest bars swabbing for cooties. It’s a dirty job, but someone’s gotta do it
OFhFe
t
RT!
POPCORN BATHROOM POOL SOAP BAR- BAR BAR BEER CHA
DISH URINAL CUE DISPENSER STOOL COUNTER TABLE GLASS

1* 136 365 416 430 818 1,251 6,417

0 7,000

* NUMBERS REFLECT MICROBIAL ACTIVITY. ANYTHING ABOVE 100 IS CONSIDERED “HIGHLY CONTAMINATED”
WORDS: LINDA KRESTANOVA, ADAM LINEHAM, KRISTA PILLA, KRISTEN SEKINGER, STACEY SKULNIK; PHOTOS: JENNIFER ROCHOLL; ILLUSTRATIONS: RACIO; STYLING: KRISSIE
TORGERSON; HAIR: SILVIA WHEELER; MAKE-UP: HIROMI INOKO; OUTFITS: (OPENER, FROM LEFT) ONE TEASPOON TANK AND SHORTS, OYE SWIMSUIT, ONE TEASPOON SHORTS;
(FIRST PAGE) ONE TEASPOON SHORTS, LAUREN MOSHI TANK, STEVE MADDEN SHOES; (THIS PAGE) RIHANNA FOR RIVER ISLAND SHORTS, STEVE MADDEN SHOES.
 There are some things
a man’s just gotta do:
T R AV E L U S A

wear salmon shorts

to an EDM festival;
outwardly hate Alanis
Morissette but in your
head belt out “You
Oughta Know” when
it comes on the radio;
travel somewhere at
least once a year with
the little lady. Rate it or
hate it, you have to do
something special for
the missus and take her
out on Valentine’s Day.
So why not plan the
annual trip together
so that it coincides
with February 14?
Smart, I know.
Paris? Too obvious.
The Gold Coast? Let’s
aim a bit highter. It’s all
about New York, people.
NYC is the place to
enjoy a romantic trip
together and I’m here
to take you on a guided
tour of the best spots to
MAXIM AUSTRALIA’S DREW HAYWOOD TAKES A BITE eat, drink, stay, and be
OUT OF THE BIG APPLE WITH HIS BETTER HALF seen. Bonus: all of them
are guaranteed to get
her swooning.

TIP!

Grab yourself
a City Pass
for entry to
everything
mentioned and
more from:

PHOTOS: SHUTTERSTOCK
citypass.com/
new-york. For your
official guide to
New York, visit:
nycgo.com.

VISIT
THE EMPIRE STATE BUILDING
350 5th Ave
In the Big Apple, it’s all about who’s got the biggest –
ahem – skyscraper. The Empire State Building is 443m
of sheer awesomeness, with a mad view of the city
from all sides. It’s the perfect place to start or end
your Valentine’s date, being that it’s open till 2am.
STAY
Probably the most The Jade Hotel,
important part of your which reflects
the warmth and
Valentine’s Day is intrigue of the
surrounding
where you end up at the Greenwich Village,
is the ideal blend
end of the night (ideally, of elegance
not alone). Here are and charm that
ladies love.
EAT & DRINK
three of the best places thejadenyc.com Henry, A Liquor Bar
356 W 58th St
to rustle the sheets at.
It’s not really a romantic night
out unless you’re sipping on
classy cocktails. Henry, A Liquor
Bar is overseen by creative
director and world-renowned
mixologist Ryan Chetiyawardana
– known throughout Britain
as “the Heston Blumenthal of
cocktailing”. For some seriously
mind-blowing cocktails, this
is the place to be.
The W Hotel
on Lexington
has everything Cowgirl
you need to 519 Hudson St
cap off your day, If you’re after
with some of the something a bit more
most romantic ’Merica!, Cowgirl bar
and luxuriant and restaurant rocks
rooms in town. a killer traditional
whotels.com cocktail menu that
includes frozen
margaritas served in
huge jam jars that’ll kick
the stool out from under you.

Dakota Bar
53 W 72nd St
Thirty wines by the glass, an
extensive bottle list with more
Gansevoort than 150 selections, and an
Corner of Park Avenue epic cheese menu are what’s
South and 29th St in store for you at Dakota Bar.
If you want something a All class, this one.
little more boutique, the
Gansevoort is unmatched.
It’s hip and sexy but also
sophisticated and minimalist
(use these exact words
when describing it to her).
gansevoorthotelgroup.com

THE STATUE OF LIBERTY THE METROPOLITAN MUSEUM OF ART

Ellis island 1000 5th Ave
Fact: Chicks dig shoes. Take her on a romantic Impress her with your ‘knowledge’ of art and
harbour cruise to see Lady Liberty, who wears culture by doing tours of The Metropolitan
a size 879 shoe. That’ll make any gal feel better Museum of Art and The Museum of Modern Art.
about not being able to find shoes that fit properly. Plus, you’ll get to perve on all the artistic nudes.
 WE
LIKE TO
WATCH

Film
NEWS FLASH 
Grudge Match is out now. In it, Sylvester Stallone and Robert DeNiro
play bitter boxing rivals who come out of a 30-year retirement to
fight each other… One. Last. Time. Just leave us alone, Hollywood!
We don’t need our memories of great actors tarnished further.

Wisdom of the Wolf

WE RECENTLY INTERVIEWED JORDAN BELFORT, THE ACTUAL WOLF OF WALL STREET.
HERE ARE SOME OF HIS BEST, BOLDEST, AND BRASHEST QUOTES FROM THAT CHAT

“People with low “I got to a point where I lost

standards live everything, I was in jail, and
meaningless, small lives.” my family was taken from
me. If I can come back
“If you focus on the shit in from that, then anyone
your life, you move towards can come back.”
that shit and you attract
more shit. You become “You have reason people
a giant shit magnet.” and results people. Reason
The Wolf of Wall people will give you all the
“We lost half a million dollars Street is out f–king reasons why they
January 23
in three months. Why? can’t succeed. It’s bullshit.
Because we didn’t follow the Results people f–king get
rules of entrepreneurship. it. They take action.”
We got so confident that
we f–ked up.” “Monetising value is the
easiest thing in the world. If
“I’m not a perfect person or you have something people
a perfect businessman. I f–k want, making money off
up all the time. But I’m not of that is simple. Value is
a f–k up, I just f–ked up.” the core of success.”

“The notion you can walk “I found the people in

around all day feeling Australia to be the most
confident is a load of shit. forgiving of all. They were
But if you can be confident in the first people to latch
the key moments then you’re onto my story and look
very far ahead of the game.” at it without judgment.”

“Wherever I go in the world, “Gordon Gekko was a

investment bankers are personal hero of mine,
willing to pay me, like, which actually shows you
$50,000 to have dinner with how dysfunctional I was
them. I don’t even have to as a human being.”
do anything. They just want
to hang out.”

94 MAXIM.COM.AU
 Blue steel
Joel Kinnaman plays the titular role in the 2014 version of
Robocop. He tells us what they did differently almost 30 years on

Is it difficult acting with the helps you relate to how able to walk before. People are
helmet on? trapped he feels. already wearing bionic hands
There’s a lot of emoting from and have artificial hearts and
the jaw. During the action The original came out in 1987. organs, so a lot of this is already
scenes my face is covered What’s different this time? a part of our society.
but the visor comes up for A lot of things. In 1987, the
the dramatic scenes. idea of this felt very much Michael Keaton co-stars and
like science fiction. Now, it’s has played Batman in the past.
That’s good for the lady pretty much a reality. We’ll Did you get any pointers on
viewers. The suit must be be discussing this sort of playing the hero from him?
quite limiting, too. technology in the next five or He wanted to talk to me
It was always uncomfortable. 10 years. We already have about the suit all the time.
It weighs, like, 45–50 pounds drones. The military has been I got the feeling he really
[approximately 20kg] and it kills automated – but someone still wanted to put the suit on.
your shoulders and it feels very pulls the trigger. In this movie, And I was like, “Dude, you
weird. You do feel powerful set in the not-too-distant future, had your chance. This is
and big and you tower over you have drones and robots my suit – it’s tailored to
everybody but I also felt naked. that make their own decisions me. And this one doesn’t
And I wasn’t wearing clothes based on their programming. have nipples.”
underneath the suit, so I was This year they published a
naked – and that feels kinda bunch of scientific stuff about Were you as surprised as
stupid. When the camera’s not how they’ve been able to us that the villain from the
rolling, it’s strange, because you digitise the brain impulses that original Robocop went on
can’t really turn your head, so control our movement. Soon, to play the dad from That
it’s like, “Do you mind standing there’ll be a lot of people ’70s Show?
in front of me to talk?” But being walking who haven’t been Clarence Boddicker. “Can
in that awkward place is good you fly, Bobby?!” That was
for the character because it a great casting choice.

Robocop is in
theatres
February 6
INTERVIEWS: DANIEL STEINER

MAXIM.COM.AU 95
R NEWS FLASH 
A
Music
Seeing as this issue is Australia-themed, let’s keep with that and
talk about expat rapper Iggy Azalea. After supporting Beyoncé
on her Aussie tour in October, 2014 has yet more Iggy in store,
with her debut album The New Classic due to drop in April.
E
D

Swizz precision
Hip-hop icon and Monster co-owner Swizz Beatz discusses quality headphones and meeting MJ

What’s your role at Monster, You’re seeing your to stay hungry but now I’m that you worked on something?
Mr Beatz? own legacy. thinking of doing a plaque. Oh, all the time. But then I hear it
I’m all about bringing the vision, I was looking at I have kids now, and this and I’m like, “Ah, OK! I did that!”
along with [CEO] Noel Lee. This my catalogue the sort of stuff should be
year’s the 35th anniversary of the other day: I’ve around for them. Right When you’re in the studio,
company, so my goal is to bring produced over now I’m trying to what are some must-haves?
35 more years of innovation, 580 songs figure out how to I used to be heavy with the candy
forward-thinking, and magic, and sold squeeze my 17 or in the studio. And I used to have
as well as letting people know 380 million whatever years a little McCallan 18 Years [scotch]
we’re not just a headphone records [working in hip-hop] to warm up the vibe a little bit.
company but a technology domestically into a plaque. Maybe a cigar. But most of the
company as well. [in the US] . time I go straight off the energy.
I never collected With almost 600 tracks
What separates a good pair of my plaques or under your belt, do Have you ever been starstruck?
headphones from a bad pair? my Grammys you ever forget For sure. I was starstruck when I
A quality pair of headphones because I met Michael Jackson. I was at his
comes down to the person wanted house three weeks before he
engineering them. You want passed away. We were planning
somebody who’s super-dynamic, on doing this cool track together.
who doesn’t just care about what I remember seeing the Thriller
colour they are. The colours are plaque just on the floor and I
good, sure, but what’s inside was like, “Man, you’ve got that
those headphones is what plaque on the floor like it don’t
people are gonna gravitate mean nothing!” And he was
towards more. The look will like, “You want it?” I was crazy
come and go but Monster’s and said, “No, no. That’s a
maintained a quality standard personal thing.” But in my
for so long – that’s why mind I was thinking, ‘I can
people stay with us. get it later.’ I don’t regret
not taking it, though.
What’s it like when you
hear your beats on the You’re married to
radio or when you’re Alicia Keys. Can you
out in the club? leave us with some
Man, it’s a reminder that girl advice?
I’m blessed and of where Communication is
I come from and what I’ve The purple the key, whether it’s
been through. The payoff is ensemble is friends, family, your
reserved
seeing all these people have for dudes wife, your girlfriend.
fun – and, for me, it’s bigger than who’ve If you’re good at
moved over
getting paid. You know, millions 300m units communicating,
of people are all agreeing with there’s nothing you
a feeling that you had in a room, can’t talk about. And
where you were like, “Let me try that means nothing
this – this might be cool.” It’s such builds up and leads
a big compliment. to arguments later on.

96 MAXIM.COM.AU
 D J T I G E R L I L Y ’ S
SUMMER SURVIVAL
GUIDE
We enlisted the services of one of the country’s top DJs to help
get you through the frenzied festivals and the hot nights out

Pacha: Kinda like SONGS OF

your dreams,
except sexier THE SUMMER
The three festival-
oriented tracks
I’d pick are: “Eat,
Sleep, Rave, Repeat”,
“Tsunami”, and my
latest, “Zombie”.

SUMMER COCKTAIL
Strawberry mojito. It’s
just a traditional mojito
with fresh strawberries
crushed up and
thrown in there.

HANGOVER CURE
Water (obviously),
Panadol (takes away
FESTIVAL TIPS purple, like me, your headache),
Toilets which makes nachos (satisfies your
I don’t think there’s a way you quite easy to food craving), air con
to avoid a gross festival spot in a crowd. (to keep the room
bathroom. I’ve had some cold), and a doona
seriously putrid experiences, Making it (because it’s nice
which I mightn’t share publicly. through the day to be snug when
Anyway, the key is to wrangle Another tricky you’re feeling sorry
some kind of VIP access. Even one. Pacing for yourself).
though you’ll still probably be yourself is a skill
going to a Portaloo, chances are you need to learn YOU MAY NOT KNOW
it’s only been visited by a couple over time and I’m not sure I’ve hospitalisations as last year. THIS ABOUT DJS…
hundred other VIPs, as opposed mastered it just yet. Lame as it The most common
to thousands of wasted patrons. sounds, I think it’s all about prep. Avoiding creepers (a bit of misconception is that
If you can’t do that, a bush might Get a good night’s sleep the advice for our lady readers) we’re all super-cool.
actually be a cleaner option. night before, make sure you’re If a creeper’s gonna creep, Deep down, a lot of us
hydrated on the day, and I’ve there’s no stopping them. are massive nerds. I’m
How not to lose your friends been on milk thistle recently, I love the kaftan – and it might classically trained [in
It’s seriously tricky. What I’ve which is supposed to help your just be your best friend at music] and I like to
figured out over the years, from liver process alcohol. I think a festival. It covers your butt read Harry Potter.
extensive festival experience, is Stereo[sonic] proved that and excess cleavage, which When I was 18 or 19
that you start in a massive group Aussies might be learning how are the main drawcards for I started focusing on
but then that shrinks to two or to pace themselves better. It’s creepers, and I’d recommend DJing and that music
three people that you wanna do a two-day festival, and you’d covering one or both of those background was really
INTERVIEWS: DANIEL STEINER

stuff with. So figure out who they expect people to go all-out parts. My main advice, though: helpful, especially in
are early on and stick with them. the entire time, but apparently Boys, don’t creep! terms of production.
Or, you could dye your hair there were half as many

Tigerlily is one of Pacha Sydney’s exclusive resident DJs in 2014. Over the summer, Pacha will feature four spectacular shows,
including LOVE, a new pool club series celebrating rock, soul, and disco from the ’60s and ’70s. For more info: pachasydney.com

MAXIM.COM.AU 97
R
A
DVDs
NEWS FLASH 
If you like your maidens feisty (and naked – don’t forget naked) and
your protagonists complicated, Game of Thrones: Season Three is
out February 19. Not that the Red Wedding will come as a surprise to
you, since spoilers and reactions broke the Internet earlier this year.
E
D

Metallica Through The

Never is available on 3D
PRECIOUS METAL
Blu-ray, Blu-ray, DVD,
and Digital HD from
January 29
METALLICA GETS IN YOUR FACE (AND OTHER
BODY PARTS) WITH AN EPIC 3D CONCERT MOVIE WIN
“We realised if we were going through a post-apocalyptic over several weeks in Canada,
to do a concert film, we wanted uprising. Think: Fight Club meets its greatest-hits set puts you in
a dramatic arc, so it would be This Is Spinal Tap – but louder. the thick of the action, which may We’ve got 10 Blu-ray
refreshing,” says Metallica “We used to do these crazy cause a mild case of tinnitus and copies of METALLICA
drummer Lars Ulrich of Through theatrical shows with statues motion sickness. “We wanted it THROUGH THE NEVER
the Never. “We didn’t want just and crosses. A lot of it was very to feel like you’re onstage with to give away. For your
backstage footage of guys in Spinal Tap-ish,” admits Ulrich. us,” says Ulrich. “When we began chance to win one, tell us
a prayer circle. We didn’t want “But a lot of our present the project, we knew we wanted in 25 words or less what
the Justin Bieber movie.” audience wasn’t around then, to do something no one has your favourite Metallica
Shot in 3D IMAX and set so we thought we’d bring it seen before. I think we did that.” track is and why. Send
against an arena show in an back with new technology.” responses to:
unnamed city, the movie follows The result is… heavy. Shot [email protected].
a hapless (possibly drugged-out)
roadie as he fights his way

98 MAXIM.COM.AU
 April Rose Gets Her Big Break
THE MAXIM US BEAUTY MAKES HER WAY TO THE BIG SCREEN IN GROWN UPS 2

Grown Ups
Grown Ups 2 is a 2 is out
complex film that January 23
concerns itself
with opposites. For
example, how best to
counterbalance the
hotness of Victoria’s
Secret Angel Erin
Heatherton as a
cheerleader and April
Rose as ‘Hot Dance
Teacher’? Simple: Have
a digitally rendered deer
piss in Adam Sandler’s
face (this opens the
movie) and, for good
measure, show a dude
taking a crap in a Kmart.
A vast achievement.
PHOTO: SASHA EISENMAN

MAXIM.COM.AU 99
R
A

E
D Film is
a medium
t h a t c a n’ t b e
DVD

mastered. I
just try to find
something
compelling
that I want
to throw
myself into.

Rush is out on
Blu-ray and DVD
February 5

100 MAXIM.COM.AU
 ICON
Ron Howard
The most stable and successful former child
star-turned-director gets racy with his latest flick

Rush is the story of the real-life world-creation guy. But I really came I’ve fired over the years who would have
rivalry between two Formula 1 to appreciate the sport. I get it. It’s very something else to say on the subject.
drivers in the ’70s. Why did you cutting-edge and modern, the way it
decide to direct another true story? combines technology with athleticism. You acted on TV and in movies for
The first movie I did that was inspired many years before directing. Do you
by true events was Apollo 13. We had Do you have anything fun in your ever read a script and say, “I want to
a preview screening and the audience garage… or do you drive a Prius? do this character”?
comment cards were great. I was very I had a Prius! The most fun thing I have No, I only read scripts with an eye toward
excited. But suddenly I came to one that is my first car: a 1970 Volkswagen Beetle. directing them. That said, I’d like to act
marked it “poor”. In big, giant letters the It’s the car I courted my wife in, so every again. I think it would be interesting.
guy wrote: “More Hollywood bullshit. once in a while we go out and neck in it. I felt rusty doing my little Arrested
They would never survive!” I realised It’s pretty tough. Development turn, so I was glad Jason
then that’s the beauty of a true story. Bateman was there. He also has the
You’ve directed more renowned films “nice” gene.
Besides incredible race sequences, than we can name, from Splash,
this movie also features some very hot Cocoon, Willow, and Ransom to A You made an incredible transition from
women, like Olivia Wilde and Alexandra Beautiful Mind, Cinderella Man, The Da child actor to successful director, while
Maria Lara... Vinci Code, and Frost/Nixon. Do you so many people – from the cast of
My partner [in Imagine Entertainment], know when a movie is going to be a hit? Diff’rent Strokes to Amanda Bynes
Brian Grazer, is always teasing me that No, I don’t. You never can be certain – have a very hard time. How were
I’m very character-driven, reality-based, – that’s the lesson I’ve learned. It’s a you able to do it?
and into celebrations of human co- medium that can’t be mastered. I just try I think child stars have a leg up, actually,
operation… but not so sexy. When he to find something compelling, something because they have an innate sense
started seeing the dailies from Rush, I want to throw myself into. of what creative problem solving is all
though, he called and said, “I’m proud about. But to make a life out of it, you
of you. These girls are hot!” A lot of You and your frequent collaborator Tom have to be ready to take on project
people around F1 – the guys from that Hanks are known as the nicest guys in after project. You have to like the action.
era – like to say that was when “sex Hollywood. If you two had a “nice-off”,
was safe and driving was dangerous”. who would win? Is it true that your kids’ middle names
The reality is, I don’t think either of us is come from the locations where they
Were there scary moments on set? inordinately nice. I think we’re both kind were conceived?
On the last day of filming, we had two of reasonable guys, and in our particular David Letterman got that out of me – and
unplanned spinouts. One of them was business, that gets us to be thought of my kids will never let me forget it. My
just close enough to extras and camera- as nice. daughter, Bryce, was conceived in Dallas,
people that when we wrapped at the and our twins were conceived while
end of the day, I was really, really glad. Do you have an evil secret you keep we were doing a publicity tour at the
hidden? Do you torture puppies? Carlyle Hotel in New York City. For the
Are you a big racing buff? Nothing that concrete. Only evil secrets last one, we were on Lower Cross Road,
The embarrassing admission is that I’m of the mind, as Jimmy Carter once said. so we decided to go with Cross. “Volvo”
not really a car guy. I’m a drama and But you can probably find a few people wouldn’t be such a good middle name.

These happy days are all Ron’s...

so long as he doesn’t spend too
long in the sun
INTERVIEW: PATRICK CARONE

MAXIM.COM.AU 101
R
A

E
Games This month: Lara gets a makeover, we play with a female
assassin, catch an STD, and get killing, Eighties-style
D
ASSASSIN’S CREED:
LIBERATION HD
FORMAT: XBLA, PSN, PC.
LONG STORY SHORT: The Assassin’s
Creed series needs little introduction, but
you still may have missed this spin-off to the
main story arc. Originally appearing as an
exclusive for the PlayStation Vita handheld,
the game features a new assassin (the TOMB RAIDER:
French-African Aveline de Grandpré, an
ex-slave) in a new time frame (1765 and
DEFINITIVE EDITION
1777) in a new region (New Orleans). It’s FORMAT: XBO, PS4.
a fully realised entry in the series, with a LONG STORY SHORT: One of 2013’s
massive world, including busy cities and big success stories was the rebirth of the
animal-filled swamplands, as well as a great Lara Croft. The heroine returned in a
number of new gameplay elements. full reboot of her Tomb Raider franchise, with
Thankfully, the game has just a more realistic aesthetic that still had plenty
received an HD polish and a of “personality”. An origin story greeted
downloadable re-release through adventure fans, allowing them an insight into
the PC, PlayStation 3, and how Lara the girl became a woman through
Xbox 360 marketplaces. surviving being stranded on a mysterious
RELEASE: Out now. island with
terrors of
human
and natural
flavours. It’s a great
game, with a big sandbox
to explore, a brutal story,
multiplayer, and a rich
atmosphere. Now it is coming to the
next-gen consoles with an upgrade to
the already special visuals, behind-the-
scenes docos, and all the DLC included.
RELEASE: January 30.

FABLEANNIVERSARY RAMBO:THE
FORMAT: X360.
VIDEO GAME
LONG STORY SHORT: The brainchild FORMAT: X360, PS3, PC.
of legendary developer Peter Molyneux LONG STORY SHORT: The
– who veterans will remember from the Demolition Man may be expendable
Populous series – Fable’s bright colours nowadays, thanks to his rocky career, but
and cheery humour belied its brutal, way back when his iconic Rambo character
fully-realised fantasy world, where your was the poster boy of the ’80s. The big fella
character could catch STDs, cop scars, is back in a game that focuses solely on his
and rack up ex-wives while raiding strengths: explosions, fatalities, etc. This is an
dungeons. The 360 is getting one last on-rails shooter, so you basically just need to
taste of Fable, with the original 2004 kill everything in sight as you travel through
title that appeared on the first Xbox the plots of the three original films. The bow,
getting a visual overhaul and a the knife, stealth kills, cover-based shooting,
re-release. The entire The Lost choppers, tanks – they’re all here. Faithful
Chapters expansion is included to the films, with simple gameplay that will
too, making this one for the fans. entertain in the same way as the movies.
RELEASE: February 6. RELEASE: January.

102 MAXIM.COM.AU
 CONSOLE-LIKE
5
IOS
GAMES
If you hadn’t noticed, “mobile
games” are getting seriously
good. The improved tech is
attracting some serious talent
and the back-end of 2013
saw the release of games that
would stand tall on a console 1. OCEANHORN
or PC. We suggest checking The founder of the oddly named Cornfox & Bros. grew up on legendary game series
like Final Fantasy and The Legend of Zelda. He has crafted this adventure in their image,
out the following on your iPad which is a huge, fully 3D title with dungeons, bosses, cities, and even sailing to enjoy.

2. RÉPUBLIQUE 4. THESHADOW
Developer Camouflaj was
founded by the creative
SUN
Ossian Studios was formed
director of Halo 4 and the by a group of veteran RPG
Metal Gear Solid series. He developers behind titles like
brings the quality of these Neverwinter Nights and Baldur’s
titles to the iPad. Detailed Gate. Go check out the launch
facial animations, glorious, trailer for this super-polished
stealth-based gameplay, and game and try to argue afterwards
a fully-realised, 1984-inspired that console gaming hasn’t
world greet players. come to iOS.
3. THEWALKING
DEAD:SEASON2 5. REALRACING3
It was Telltale Games’ The It’s free, it’s made in Australia,
Walking Dead: Season 1 that and it includes Bathurst –
began the triple-A revolution there are three great reasons
on the iPad. A second to pick up this game. But you
season has just launched, can also expect console-like
bringing more choice and graphics and AI, cars and
consequence to the world tracks from all over the
of Clementine, the little girl world, and a very solid racing
surviving against the undead. experience. Buckle up, kids!

ASHESTAIL DOESN’T WAG

When the last Ashes series was on, release received ever, it was pulled from sale and then
schedules whispered of an Ashes Cricket 2013 cancelled. The publisher went on to publicly
WORDS: CHRIS STEAD

game on its way to PS3, 360, and PC. It didn’t apologise to gamers, fans of the sport, and even the
appear. When this new, now-triumphant series players. Hunt down some footage on YouTube – it’s
began, it reappeared on schedules, but with no abysmal. On the plus side, a Don Bradman Cricket
specific date. Suddenly, the game was out on PC. 14 game is due out in 2014 on PS3, 360, and PC
After a few days of the worst feedback any game from reputable Aussie developer Big Ant Studios.

MAXIM.COM.AU 103
R
A
Tech
A = All About (What the hell is this thing?)
B = Bitchin' Because (Why the hell do I want it?)
C = Cunning Linguist (How the hell do I get it past the missus?)
E
D

Beats by Dre Studio

Something we’re not sure
about: the legitimacy of
Dr. Dre’s medical credentials.
Something we are sure about:
the bassy boom of this update
Moga Ace Power getting them in and out, but it also serves as to the flagship Beats bangers.
A: The latest Apple OS update included a battery pack, giving you a longer play time. $300, beatsbydre.com
functionality for MFi controllers: cases that B: With a D-pad, four face buttons, left and right
allow you to play games by traditional, non- analogue sticks, two shoulder buttons, two
touch means. One of the first cabs off the triggers, and a pause button, this is solid
rank is Moga, with the Ace Power. You insert weapon for those who love their iOS gaming.
your iPhone into the case, which plugs in C: “My touch controls are just for you, baby.”
via the lightning port. It’s a bit cumbersome mogaanywhere.com

Sony VAIO 15” Multi Flip PC Also, the design is nice and slim.
A: The power-packed high-end B: The VAIO’s nifty trick is that the
entry in Sony’s Vaio notebook range screen is on a hinge that you flip
offers a full-aluminium body, Ci7 up and fold back down on top of
processor, 8GB of RAM, a 1TB the keyboard. When you do this,
Hybrid HDD, 2GB dedicated to it turns from a traditional laptop
graphics, and the Windows into a big tablet. It’s a cool idea
8 Pro operating system. It and it works well.
comes with a digital stylus and C: “Finally, a legit lappy that I can
a suite of apps that allow you write use in bed and on the toilet.”
and draw directly on the screen. sony.com.au

Foxl Dash 7
A: Foxl create contemporary
ghetto blasters that allow you to
take pumping beats on the go.
Their latest entry is ridiculously
slim (18mm) and, while quite long
(190mm), it can still sneak into your
shorts pocket. It’s only 200g, too,
and you can connect your media
player to it by Bluetooth or jack.
WORDS: CHRIS STEAD

B: Small, yes, but with stunning

sound and a 12-hour battery life.
C: “That is a Foxl in my pocket…
I’m not happy to see you at all.”
foxl.com.au

104 MAXIM.COM.AU
 Philips Dual and it beeps in the morning...
Dock Clock Radio B: We like how you can
A: Assuming you have a wake up to the radio or your
bedside table big enough docked device, and that you
to house it, this nifty alarm can set it to be different things
clock is notable for its ability on weekdays and weekends.
to dock your iPhone and iPad The reserve power, which
at the same time, charging ensures your alarm stays
them and/or playing their on during a blackout, is
music. You can also charge a lifesaver.
a third device via a USB C: “Word of advice, dear:
port, or run a fourth Don’t ever look up ‘docking’
device’s music or video on Google Images.”
via headphone jack. Oh, philips.com.au Kogan 30” LED Monitor
A: Bigger is better when it comes
to desktop monitors and Kogan’s
latest effort is one that would
please Godzilla. It retains a
2560x1600 reso (that’s four-
times HD), and with a 7ms
response time and LED
backlighting, it sure does pop. A
fully adjustable stand, including
portrait view, and a stack of input
options, round it off.
B: Retailing at just $699, this
beast is definitely comparable
to 27” options yet is big enough
to double as a TV.
C: “Real Housewives has
never looked so crisp!”
Action Cam Live-View with settings. kogan.com/au
WiFi Remote Control B: This James
A: We love the HD action Bond-worthy
cameras doing the rounds at remote retains the Kaiser Baas Game Recorder HD
the moment, but the lack of a durable, water/dust/ A: This 2TB external capture
viewfinder leaves a lot of freeze-proof exterior device is a cinch to master:
guesswork. Sony has created you’re likely to need while Simply put the HDMI cable from
a watch-like device that using it and fat buttons, your game console in one end,
includes a 1.5” screen. It for easy manipulation then run it through to your TV out
connects wirelessly to your with gloves on. The the other. As you play, it records
Action Cam (or other Sony perfect accessory, really. (in HD) your play experience as
camera) and allows you to C: “If I can’t get this, what an MP4 that you can later use
frame the image, as well was the point of getting the to gain mad respect online.
stop/start recording and play action cam? Waaaaaah!” B: Records audio, too i.e. your
sony.com.au hilarious colour commentary.
C: “Babe, I’m totes getting
the epic lulz on YouTube!”
kaiserbaas.com

Led Lenser XR21R out a burglar – in self-defence, of course.

A: When it comes to light, Led Lenser is B: If you absolutely positively have to blind
second only to the sun (but for how long? every last motherf–ker in the room, accept
#philosophical). Their XR21R is crazily no substitutes. Awesome for pretend
overpowerful – just how we like it. Try seven lightsaber fights as well... we’ve been told.
ultra-bright LED chips, pumping 1,600 lumens C: “Let’s knock on the neighbours’ doors
through a wide or concentrated beam. It’s a and blind them, like in the good, old days!”
hefty 41.2cm long and at 1.44kg could knock ledlenser.com.au

MAXIM.COM.AU 105
 Winning Time
Go for gold – and blue
– with this team of
serious timepieces
2
1
1. Kenneth Cole
New York 8. Bulova
Powered by Precisionist
You watch, Champlain
kennethcole.com chronograph,
bulova.com
2. Montegrappa
NeroUno quartz
watch,
montegrappa.
com

3. TAG Heuer
Carrera 1887
automatic
chronograph,
shop.tagheuer.
7
com
3
4. Swarovski
Piazza Grande
quartz watch,
swarovski.com

5. Tissot 8
Luxury men’s
automatic
watch,
tissotshop.com
4
6. Longines
Conquest
Classic watch,
longines.com 6

7. Express
Stainless-steel
watch,
express.com
5

106 MAXIM.COM.AU
 9

10

11

15

16

12

14

9. Seiko
Kinetic watch, 12. GUESS
seikowatches. Stainless-steel
com watch,
guesswatches.
10. Bulgari com
Diagono Calibro 15. Nixon
limited-edition 13. Movado The Sentry SS
watch, bulgari. Series 800 watch, nixon.com
PHOTOS: THOMAS LIGGETT

com chronograph, 13
movado.com 16. Breitling
11. Rado Superocean
Hyperchrome 14. Fossil 42 limited-
Court watch, Retro Traveller edition watch,
radoshop.com chronograph, breitling.com
fossil.com

MAXIM.COM.AU 107
108 MAXIM.COM.AU
Woman
with a tool

The
Next
Level
Did your last girlfriend
dump you because of
your crooked ways?
Perhaps it’s time you
invested in the 48-inch
(that’s 122 glorious
centimetres, bro!) Irwin
Tools 2550 Magnetic
Box Beam Level. Its
thick-walled, high-grade
aluminium frame and
shock-absorbing rubber
end caps will help you
straighten out, for sure,
and keep your lady from
getting bent out of
shape. This lightweight
tool is truly on the level.
(OK, think we’re out of
puns now.) amazon.com

The liquid used in a spirit

level is usually alcohol,
such as ethanol.
 PHOTOGRAPH: MARLEY KATE; STYLING: ZOE
GLASSNER/CELESTINE AGENCY; HAIR: WILL CARRILLO
USING L’ORÉAL VOLUME/CELESTINE AGENCY; MAKE-UP:
JENNA ANTON/CELESTINE AGENCY. BECCA BIKINI

MAXIM.COM.AU 109
 3

Get set for summer action

with these spicy buys
1.
Lush Lip Scrubs in Popcorn, Bubble-gum and
Mint Julep, $9.95 each, lush.com.au
They’re made from sugar, are totally edible,
and come in awesome flavours. Best of 6
all, they will sort out your manky mouth
and make it a little harder for your
lady to resist a kiss.
2.
The Dollar Shave Club 4 x Lovers Blades,
$7, au.dollarshaveclub.com
Sign up as a member, order these blades,
get a free handle, and your blades will 3
be replenished each month – all for
a measly seven bucks. Winning!
3.
Avene Shaving Foam, $24.95, and
Thermal Spring Water, $18.95,
1800 678 302 4
Your sensitive dial will love this foam.
It moisturises your skin and allows your
razor to glide easily over your face. When
you’re done, spritz the Thermal Water
to calm down any slight irritation and
help prevent pesky bumps.
4.
David Beckham Intense Instinct,
$39, 1800 812 663
Vigorous, effervescent and, well, intense, 5
is how you’d describe this. Spray it on and
you’ll get a fruity-gingery, herbal, musky
mix that will have the chicks clamouring.
5.
Dolce & Gabbana The one for Men,
$79, 02 9695 5678
Spicy and Oriental, this is all about being
charismatic, seductive, and sophisticated.
Well, if you can’t act that way, at least
you’ll smell a bit like it, thanks to a citrus/
herbal/woody kinda juice.
6.
WORDS: SHONAGH WALKER; PHOTO: LUKE SHADDOCK

Mont Blanc Legend Intense,

$79, 02 9695 5678
With lavender, bergamot, oakmoss,
pomarose, and geranium, you’d think this 1
was a chick’s perfume. It’s totes not. It
also has some earthy doses of tonka bean
and sandalwood, which make this a pretty
bloody awesome guy’s scent. 2

7.
Dermalogica Daily Clean Scrub,
$35, dermalogica.com.au
This will keep your mug pashable.
It purges pimples and beats blackheads,
while at the same time lifting your stubble
for a better shave. Awesome.

110 MAXIM.COM.AU
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 Nikki is a qualified sexologist and
relationship expert aiming to educate
Australians about everything under
the sheets. You can find her on
The Morning Show , Sunrise ,
The Hot30countdown , or her
website: www.drnikkig.com.au
Facebook: Dr Nikki Goldstein
Twitter: @Dr_NikkiG

Happy Valentine’s Lay

We suppose your dick in a box is one option. Dr Nikki
shares some other (better) bedroom ideas for V-Day

It’s Valentine’s Day yet

again – the one day you 4. Spice things up, simply. When it comes
are forced to bring out the to raising the temperature in the bedroom, it
big guns in and out of the doesn’t have to involve building a dungeon
bedroom. While diamonds or spending too much in a sex shop. One
are a girl’s best friend, when it comes simple thing can be the best way to turn up
to bedroom bliss, it can be a lot more the heat. We tend to get into a pattern
complicated than handing over a of sexual behaviour and in order to
credit card. (Unless you feel like spice things up, one basic act that
outsourcing you sex life). Here are differs from the norm might be all
some moves you can do in the old that is needed. In other words,
boudoir to bring her some V-Day get out of your sexual routine.
cheer. (And I’m sure you won’t mind
it too much, either.) 5. A romantic night out.
For women, foreplay can
1. Raid the wardrobe. A blindfold and start hours before you
a tie: Whether she is a fan of 50 Shades enter the bedroom.
or not, most women love a little bit of It’s not just about
dominance in the bedroom – and it’s touching and
not as complex as you think. Taking caressing,
away a sense such as sight and but mentally
restraining her hands will force her seducing her.
to surrender to your every move. Take her out
Lightly touch every inch of her body for a night,
and whisper in her ear and she will make her
be putty in your hands. Be confident feel wanted,
and take charge! desired, and
special, and
2. Fulfil her fantasy. Every women drop subtle
has a fantasy – you just need to ask. She sensual hints
might want to role-play or might even and seductive
want you to dress in a particular outfit. moves to warm
Make sure you investigate before the her up and let her
14th, so you are ready to play in know what is to
whatever way she desires. about come.

3. Get out those magic hands! The One rule that will
act of touch is underestimated – it can ensure success on
be such a major turn-on for women. V-Day (and any other time
Some candles, massage oil, and eager you are trying to sexually
hands will do the trick. The aim is to help please her) is: Whatever you
her relax without feeling as though she do, do it with enthusiasm.
has to perform afterwards. However, if There’s nothing worse than sex
she does, since you have done such an being a chore but nothing better than
amazing job and she wants to thank when the person you are pleasuring
you, then I’m sure you won’t say no. decides to pleasure in return.

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 2HOU4RS
TO LIVE

JOEL
KIN N A MAN
Dead or alive,
Robocop’s leading
man is coming
with us…
So, how do you want to go out? me in the Robocop suit forever, What would your last meal be?
In the middle of an orgasm with without the cooling vest Anything endangered or that’s
the most beautiful woman that underneath. come from suffering. Veal, foie
I ever loved. gras, all that stuff.
Would you come back as a
What would your last meal be? ghost and haunt anybody? What’s the most surprising
Anything endangered or I’d go back to first grade. There thing we’d find in your
that’s come from suffering. was this English teacher who Internet history?
Veal, foie gras, all that stuff. hated me and she threw a chair Dude, I’m not gonna tell you
at me when I was a kid. It hit me that. The stuff that’s buried, I’m
Will you be going to in the head and she lied about it not helping people dig that back
heaven or hell? later. She got angry at me for up again. Actually, I’ll give you
If I go to hell, they something I hadn’t done and she something: I did a couple of
might just keep lost her temper and pushed this really bad, really humiliating
chair off a bench, which hit me commercials. Desperate times
and left a welt. She told people called for desperate measures.
I’d attacked her. And I never They’re gone, though. Nobody
forgave her for that. So I’d is finding those, man.
come back and haunt that
bitch. You’re getting my Don’t you worry – someone
deepest secrets will hunt them down after
here, man. reading this. What are people
saying over your casket?
I read a funny answer in one of
these interviews: “That’s a nice
casket.” I’m so bummed I didn’t
come up with that.

Any last words?

I’ve got nothing. I regret
I said anything at all.
Daniel Steiner

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