MOST READ

MOST TRUSTED
APRIL 2017

THE PRANK
HALL OF FAME PAGE 38

ENEMIES OF VIMY RIDGE

YOUR TEETH REMEMBERED
PAGE 54 PAGE 96

SURVIVING A SUPERSTORM
PAGE 46

CAN YOU TEACH SOMEONE

TO BE FUNNY?
PAGE 70

MEET CANADAS GHOSTBUSTERS

PAGE 62

TAKING CONTROL OF DIABETES....................... 28

13 THINGS LIBRARIANS WONT TELL YOU ...... 109
THATS OUTRAGEOUS!....................................... 111
 HELPS TO TEMPORARILY
SUPPRESS APPETITE
WHEN TAKEN PRIOR TO A MEAL.

Crush Cravings
To ensure this product is right for you, always read and follow the label
Procter & Gamble, Inc. 2017
 Contents APRIL 2017

Cover Story
38 Fools Paradise
Canadians share stories of their
memorable practical jokes.

Drama in Real Life

46 Storm Troopers
A small Coast Guard outpost
goes up against a hurricane.
T R I ST R A M KO R T E N F R O M G Q

Health
54 Weapons of Mouth Destruction
Good for your health; bad for your
teeth. L I SA B E N DA L L

Perspective
62 Ghost Hunters P. | 46
The Searcher Group is out to prove phantoms
are real. E L E N A G R I TZ A N F R O M T H E U N I T E D
C H U R C H O B S E RV E R

Life Lesson
70 Humour Me
Can you teach a person to be funny?
PA S H A M A L L A

Profile
74 A Quiet Player
Meet Chick Webster, 96, the oldest living former
NHLer. C U R T I S R U S H F R O M T H E N E W YO R K T I M E S

RD Vault
THOM AS PRI OR

82 Anna, 1925
How a long-cherished photograph unlocked a
wartime mystery. M I C H A E L R . G E I ST E R F E R F R O M
ILLUSTRATION BY
R E A D E R S D I G E ST , M A R C H 2 0 0 4 LEEANDRA CIANCI

rd.ca | 04 2017 | 1
 Vol. 190 | No. 1,138
APRIL 2017

P. | 96
Department of Wit Editors Choice

CANADA. DEPT. OF NATIONAL DEFENCE / LIBRARY AND ARCHIVES CANADA / PA-001017

88 Colour Wars 96 Remembering Vimy
Giving the family cottage In April 1917, close to 3,600
a new coat of paint proves Canadians lost their lives on a
surprisingly difficult. ridge in France. A century later,
PAU L B E N E D E T T I F R O M YO U C A N Tim Cook explains why those
H AV E A D O G W H E N I M D E A D four days of fighting still
resonate. F R O M V I M Y: T H E
Memoir
B AT T L E A N D T H E L E G E N D
92 Vision Quest
A painfulbut elusive!eye
condition offers a lesson in
seeing whats really important. 4 Editors Letters
V I R G I N I A F I S H E R YA F F E 7 Contributors
F R O M T H E G LO B E A N D M A I L 8 Letters

READER FAVOURITES

10 Finish This Sentence 111 Thats Outrageous!

15 @ Work 113 Brainteasers
20 Points to Ponder 115 Trivia Quiz
60 As Kids See It 116 Sudoku
81 Lifes Like That 117 Word Power
91 Laughter, the Best Medicine 120 Quotes

2 | 04 2017 | rd.ca
 ART OF LIVING GET SMART!

12 Mission Mobility 109 13 Things Librarians

Simone Cavanaugh works to Wont Tell You
improve the lives of special- MICHELLE CROUCH ADDITIONAL
R E S E A R C H BY A N D R E A B E N N E T T
needs children in Nicaragua.
ST P H A N I E V E R G E
112 Rd.ca
The RD Interview April website highlights.
16 Telling Stories
A Q&A with beloved childrens
author Gordon Korman.
CO U R T N E Y S H E A P. | 12
Culture
18 RD Recommends
Our top picks in books, music
and movies. SA R A H L I S S

Health
22 Metabolic Syndrome
Explained
What it is, who gets it and how
to treat it. SA M A N T H A R I D E O U T

Health
28 Diabetes Dangers
The type 2 variety of the
disease can cause serious
symptoms. Heres what
you need to know.
A N D R E M AY E R

Health
ROGER AZI Z

32 Case History
A medical mystery resolved.
SY D N E Y LO N E Y
 Editors Letters
Turning the Page
A NEW CHAPTER IS BEGINNING for this magazine, on its 70th
year of publication in Canada, and its an exciting one. After
some 30 years at Readers Digest in various rolesthe last seven
as editor-in-chiefI am retiring and leaving you in the expert hands
of my dear colleague Dominique Ritter, who has been my second-in-
command since 2011.
My time here has been an incredible adventure. How else could I
have satisfied my curiosity about so many topics, met such interest-
ing, talented and good people, and learned so much about myself
and the world around me? As I look back on
more than four decades in the publishing
business, I dont regret a day of my career.
Now the time has come for me to under-
take new endeavours.
I would like to thank you, the millions
of readers who have remained loyal to the
Digest over the years. There is no other
publication like this one, in great part
because of you and your determina-
tion to improve your lives and those
of others. Your belief that one person
can make a great difference in the
world is at the core of what we do.
These values will surely continue to
guide the editors of this magazine
for decades to come.
ROGER AZ IZ

Send an email
to [email protected]

4 | 04 2017 | rd.ca
 Keeping Your Trust
ITS DIFFICULT TO IMAGINE Readers Digest without Robert
Goyette. He has been an exemplary custodian of this magazine
and he embodies its values: kindness, wisdom, humour, trust-
worthiness. As you will have noted from his editors letters, hes also
an excellent storyteller.
In our weekly meetings, talk of business has been punctuated by
Roberts anecdotes about life at the company. By his accounts, hes
often been surrounded by jokesters who, in addition to producing this
fine publication, found time to prank colleagues, sabotage desks and,
at least once, stick an unsuspecting editor with an
exceptionally large bar bill. In a similarly playful
spiritand in honour of the month of April
we hope you enjoy our cover story, Fools
Paradise (page 38).
On a more serious note, I want to express
how lucky I am to have had Robert as my
boss. Hes been a thoughtful and reliable
mentor, and he will be missed. Please join
me in wishing Robert all the best in his
upcoming adventures: learning new lan-
guages, exploring far-off destinations and
hooking unsuspecting fish in country lakes
closer to home. And please join me, too, as
the Digest reaffirms its commitment to shar-
ing inspiring stories with you, the readers
who are at the heart of what we do.
ROGER AZI Z

Send an email to
[email protected]

rd.ca | 04 2017 | 5
 Published by the Readers Digest Magazines Canada Limited, Montreal, Canada
Christopher Dornan Chairman of the Board
Robert Goyette Editor-in-Chief
Karin Rossi Publisher

Executive Editor Dominique Ritter Art Director Annelise Dekker

Deputy Editor Stphanie Verge Assistant Art Director Danielle Sayer
Senior Editor Sarah Liss
Graphic Designer Pierre Loranger
Assistant Editor Megan Jones
Contributing Editor Samantha Rideout Project Manager Lisa Pigeon
Proofreader Katie Moore Circulation Director Edward Birkett
Senior Researchers Vibhu Gairola, Rudy Lee Contributors: Roger Aziz, Lisa Bendall, Paul Benedetti, Andrea
Researchers Caitlin Agnew, Bob Anderson, Bennett, Serge Bloch, Susan Camilleri Konar, LeeAndra Cianci,
Martha Beach, Andrea Tim Cook, Michelle Crouch, Marcel Danesi, Conan De Vries,
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THE READERS DIGEST ASSOCIATION (CANADA) ULC

President Brian Kennedy Legal Barbara Robins
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TRUSTED MEDIA BRANDS, INC.

President and Chief Executive Officer Bonnie Kintzer
Editor-in-Chief, International Magazines Raimo Moysa
VOL. 190, NO. 1,138 COPYRIGHT 2017 BY READERS DIGEST MAGAZINES CANADA LIMITED. Reproduction in any manner in whole or
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6 | 04 2017 | rd.ca
 Contributors
ELAMIN LEEANDRA CIANCI
ABELMAHMOUD (Illustrator, Fools
(Writer, Fools Paradise, page 38)
Paradise, page 38)
Home base:
Home base: Toronto. Previ-
Toronto. Previously published in: ously published in: Chatelaine
The Guardian and CBC.ca. Im not and Toronto Life. I like to think
a big trickster! You know those that my illustration style is playful
creative, funny people who have and easygoing. I hope my work will
genius prank ideas all the time? make people smile. I always seem
Theyre not me. Humans are to forget to watch out on April 1
driven to laugh with others. I and often end up being the one
think practical jokes are one of the who gets tricked. I dont mind
great ways to do that. We prank though. Im a fan of pranks and
because we want to bond. think they can be super fun.

ANNE T. DONAHUE AUDREY MALO

(Writer, Fools (Illustrator, Humour
Paradise, page 38) Me, page 70)

Home base: Home base:

Cambridge, Ont. Montreal. Previ-
Previously published in: Flare ously published in: Todays Parent
and MTV.com. The simpler, the and Frankie Magazine. I wanted
better is my motto when it this illustration to come across as
comes to pranking: a straight intimate, like an evening with pals. I
face, a lie and then sitting back to chose warm colours to evoke positive
watch it play out. This is making me feelings. The people I find funni-
sound like a sociopath, isnt it? Im est are my best friends. Our group
a good sport when I get fooled, has shared so many humorous expe-
but that rarely happensIve riences, and this illustration reminds
learned to be wary of everybody! me of our relationships.

rd.ca | 04 2017 | 7
 Letters
READERS COMMENT ON OUR RECENT ISSUES

In honour of our 70th

anniversary, we reached
out to readers to ask,
What does Readers
Digest mean to you?

RELENTLESSLY RELIABLE
I have been a Readers Digest subscriber for decades.
Whenever I pick up a copy, I always seem to find interesting
stories and useful advice I can trust. If something is written
in the magazine, then I know it must be so. Because of that
confidence, Ive bought subscriptions as gifts for many other
people over the years: my children, my niece, a friend from
church. In the past year, Ive given out half a dozen.
Ill be turning 90 in June. Ive always told my children that
when you read, you can travel anywhere. Your magazine
has kept me in touch with the world.
EVELYN SMITH, King ston, Ont.

8 | 04 2017 | rd.ca
TRUE, NORTH AND STRONG front to back. You were so missed!
I would like to thank you for the Readers Digest has been a part of
inspirational collection of stories, my life since my youth. Im looking
Mission Fort McMurray (December forward to resubscribing and con-
2016). As a Member of Parliament for tinuing my relationship with my
Calgary-Nose Hill and a proud Alber- favourite magazine.
tan, I have been privileged to witness SONYA KLASSEN, N o r t h Va n c o u v e r, B . C .
first-hand the compassion and gen-
erosity of Canadians during these A FRIENDLY REMINDER
devastating forest fires. Your eye- I have been a subscriber of Readers
opening accounts demonstrated Digest for the last 63 years. I eagerly
how ordinary Canadians can make await its arrival each month and
a difference in the lives of others always read it cover to cover. When
when a disaster occurs. Thank you I spotted Bradleys Last Hope
for highlighting Albertas strength (January/February 2016), a reprint
and Canadians compassion. of an inspiring story originally
HON. MICHELLE REMPEL, M.P., C a l g a r y published in 1999, I immediately
recognized Dr. Shapiros name. He
WELCOME BACK is a remarkable health care profes-
Last year, after a miscommunica- sional. My son-in-law went to him
tion, I came to believe that Readers 10 years ago for surgery, and thanks
Digest was no longer going to be to Dr. Shapiro, he is still with us.
published in Canada, so I let my I am forever thankful for the physi-
subscription lapse. Im not one to cians phenomenal care. Thank you
peruse magazine stands, so it wasnt for this lovely reminder.
until months later that I realized NOELLA LACOUVEE, P o r t A l b e r n i , B . C .
to my surprise and delightthat the
magazine was still being released. Published letters are edited for length
I immediately read the latest issue and clarity.

We want to hear from you! Have something to say about an article you read in Readers Digest? Send your
letters to [email protected]. Please include your full name and address.
Contribute Send us your funny jokes and anecdotes, and if we publish one in a print edition of Readers
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rd.ca | 04 2017 | 9
FINISH THIS SENTENCE

If I could, I would tell

my teenage self to
sit back and
enjoy the ride!
BARBARA NIEBLER MARSH,
AURORA, ONT. not date your
friends exes!
LISA GIESBRECHT, ABBOTSFORD, B.C.

be yourself.
It wont matter in five years
what your peers think of you.
KAREN TOMPKINS,
do your job well and focus
BELLEVILLE, ONT. and at 5 p.m., GO HOME!
SUSIE SOVEREIGN, CUMBERLAND BEACH, ONT.

get better treat people

with love
grades, and respect.
go to college and You only pass
build a proper career. through life once.
KATHY BURKE SUMMERELL, MARGIE SUMMERELL,
CAPE BRETON, N.S. DOMINION, N.S.

 Visit the Readers Digest Canada Facebook page for your chance to finish the next sentence.

10 | 04 2017 | rd.ca
STORYTELLING
THAT INSPIRES
& ENTERTAINS!
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S IG N U
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 ART of LIVING

Simone Cavanaugh works to improve the lives

of kids with special needs in Nicaragua

Mission Mobility
BY ST P H ANIE VERGE
PHOTOGRAPHY BY ROGER AZIZ

! THE ACHING STARTED when

Simone Cavanaugh was six years old,
The right treatmentinjections of
biologics, which are proteins derived
acute enough that shed wake in the from human geneswasnt available
night crying, clutching her knees and when Cavanaugh was young. Today,
ankles. Doctors dismissed her con- this regime allows her to walk on her
cerns as growing pains, but within own and provides effective enough
two years, Cavanaugheventually pain management that she can study
diagnosed with juvenile idiopathic law at McGill University, as well as
arthritisneeded a wheelchair to get help children with physical chal-
around. The condition affected her lenges in Central America through
hips, as well, and would later attack her Montreal-based organization,
her back and sternum. Pivot International.
It took almost seven years for Founded three years ago, Pivot was
doctors to find the right treatment, born out of a college trip Cavanaugh
says Cavanaugh, now 24. We tried took to Nicaragua in December 2011.
gluten-free diets, naturopathy, and Originally intending to pick coffee for
many medications with many side a womens cooperative with the rest
effects. Nothing ever got me out of of her classmates, Cavanaugh spent
the wheelchair. the bulk of her time with Milton,

12 | 04 2017 | rd.ca
In January 2017, Pivot
International founder and
director Simone Cavanaugh
was appointed to the Prime
Ministers Youth Council to
help advise Justin Trudeau
on disability rights.
READERS DIGEST

the four-year-old grandson of the more freedom to build personalized

woman who was housing her. services, says McFetridge. On each
Milton was largely non-verbal and annual trip, the groupwhich now
couldnt walk or sit up on his own. includes two more occupational
Having been the coordinator of a therapists and two project man-
summer camp funded by the Arthritis agersassesses an average of five
Society, a staffer at a program for kids children and brings equipment for
with special needs, and a volunteer kids evaluated the previous year.
with Handicap International, Cavan- Families receive an update on their
augh knew the boy had cerebral childs condition and, when appro-
palsy. But, living in a rural area with- priate, a set of therapeutic activities.
out access to services, he hadnt been Having people on the ground
diagnosed. As Cavanaugh played in Nicaragua is essential to Pivots
with Milton, she showed his family success. Since 2012, Madeline
how to communicate with a child Mendoza, whose background is
with limited verbal and motor skills. in community development in
Rather than push a crayon into his Managua, has been in charge of
hand and guide it, I would hold up local logistics. Pivot has had such
each colour and ask if it was the one a positive impact, she says. This
he wanted, says Cavanaugh. He was last trip, the team brought a Braille
able to say yes and no. He ended up machine for a 15-year-old blind
saying no to everything because he girl who just finished elementary
was so excited to express himself. school and is eager to continue her
When Cavanaugh arrived back in education. Its rewarding to witness
Montreal, she made a plan to raise how motivated she is.
enough money to buy Milton a In time, Cavanaugh would like
wheelchair, a walker and other aids. Pivot to be Nicaraguan-run and
In December 2012, she returned to have other bases in Latin America.
Nicaragua with occupational ther- For now, shell keep getting Cana-
apist Marie-Kim McFetridge, cur- dians involved. She regularly visits
rently the paramedical director at Montreals Mackay Centre, an ele-
Pivot. They worked with Milton for mentary school for kids with dis-
two weeks, focusing on his motor abilities. She shares stories about
skills. Four years later, his verbal Pivot, and the students throw bake
capabilities have greatly improved, sales and host toy drives. Theyre
and he eagerly engages with others. so passionate, says Cavanaugh.
We have fewer resources in Nica- Its really cool, having kids here
ragua than in Quebec, but we have working for kids there.

14 | 04 2017 | rd.ca
 @ Work

Hes not much of a people person. He wont even invest in mutual funds.

ALL ABOUT INSURANCE WHATS YOUR EMERGENCY?

Before I could enrol in my com- Each year, Ontarios Chatham-Kent
panys medical insurance plan, I police force releases its list of silliest
needed to fill out a questionnaire. 911 calls. Here are 2016s highlights:
As expected, the form was very
One woman called to say all her
thorough, leaving nothing to
cable TV programs were in French
chance. One question asked,
but she didnt speak French.
Do you think you may need to
go to the emergency room within Police were called to settle a
the next three months? heated dispute between two neigh-
bours who were arguing over who
I spent 20 minutes explaining insur- owned a jar of peanut butter.
ance options to one of our employ-
A woman inquired whether it was
SUSA N CAM ILLERI KONAR

ees. After reviewing the different

legal to trap squirrels and let them go
plans and monthly deductions, he
in a nearby farmers field. CTV News
decided to max out, choosing
$100,000 worth of life insurance.
Are you in need of some professional
But he had one last question. motivation? Send us a work anecdote,
Now, he said, what do I have and you could receive $50. To submit
to do to collect? gophercentral.com your stories, see rd.ca/joke.

rd.ca | 04 2017 | 15
THE RD INTERVIEW

Author Gordon Korman on the serendipitous

beginning of his career, the definition of Canadian
culture and keeping pace with kids today

Telling Stories
BY COUR T N E Y S HE A
ILLUSTRATION BY AIME VAN DRIMMELEN

You published your debut novel, This

Cant Be Happening at Macdonald
Hall!, 39 years agoat the age of 12.
Whats the backstory?
My Grade 7 English teacher was more of a
phys. ed. coach. When it came to creative
writing, he didnt quite know what to do,
so he gave us a very long project. We worked
on it one period a day from February to June.
I got really into it, and eventually, that assign-
ment became my first book.

When I read it, I remember think-

ing, Who is this wunderkind?
Is that how you saw yourself?
I was aware that being a
published author at 12 was
unusual, but because Id
just been through it, it
seemed totally doable.
Now I look back and real-
ize it was a miracle.

16 | 04 2017 | rd.ca
Almost half a century later, your Your latest, Masterminds: Payback,
Macdonald Hall series is still popu- is the third in a series about kids who
lar. How did you manage that? find out that they are clones. Where
Readers will ask why theres no Inter- did that idea come from?
net or cellphones in those books I was thinking about what makes my
thats what kids today care about kids do the crazier things they do.
but they still read them. I think its That led me to consider the ques-
because the fundamental themes tion of nature versus nurture; I won-
are universal: friendship, us versus dered if itd be possible to design a
them, misfits winning acceptance. formal experiment to resolve that
issue once and for all. And, presto,
There must be many original read- the series was born.
ers who are now sharing your work
with their children. How do you manage to stay
Its really cool. I have yet to hear, plugged into youth culture?
This was my grandfathers favourite Having my own kidswho are 17,
book! Thatll freak me out. 14 and 11helps; I still do a lot of
school appearances. I think you
Is there something inherently Cana- dont have to hit the vernacular on
dian about your books? the nose, because people will still
Well, there are certain references understand. No one reads The Great
when they play football, they play Gatsby and thinks, Old Sport? That
three downs. But what I think is doesnt make any sense.
significant is the balance between
humour and heart. Its that form of Have you ever tried to write for an
comedy associated with Canada: older audience?
Saturday Night Live and that whole For the longest time, I thought I was
SCTV/Lorne Michaels school. I going to write an adult book, and
couldnt necessarily say what it is, then it just never happened. You
but I know it when I see it. could joke that my mental age is still
12, but I think theres something
In the early 2000s, you switched from incredibly powerful about writing
humour to suspense. Why? books for young people. Theres
As an author, you need to step out- something special about the books
side your comfort zone. I think my you choose to love when youre first
best and most successful books in charge of your own opinion.
might have come out of the fear
that maybe I couldnt pull them off. Masterminds: Payback is available now.

rd.ca | 04 2017 | 17
CULTURE

Our top picks in books, music and movies

RD Recommends
BY SAR A H L I SS

1
ROUGHNECK
Jeff Lemire
Sometimes, revisiting your demons is the best
and onlyway to exorcise them. Thats the rev-
elation shared by the siblings at the heart of Jeff
Lemires stirring new graphic novel. Fleeing an abusive
relationship, Beth Ouellette turns to her estranged
brother, Derek, a pro-hockey goon whos been banned
from the league, and the two head to the forest. There, in
the Northern Ontario chill, they slowly begin coming
to terms with buried family traumas and their
shared Cree heritage. April 18.

(LEMIRE) JAIM E HOGGE; (GRA NT) DANI EL LEDWELL

DID YOU KNOW? Jeff Lemire collaborated with Tragically Hip frontman
Gord Downie on last years Secret Path, a comic-book complement to the
musicians poignant album about the life and death of Chanie Wenjack,
a young First Nations boy.

2 PARADISE
Jenn Grant
The Nova Scotian singer-songwriter is known for her self-
reflective compositions, but for her sixth album, Jenn Grant
sets her sights on the cosmos. Paradise draws on large-scale
ideas and images to explore universal themes: love, loss, our
desire to find meaning. These lush, soulful songs are a balm at a time when
global uncertainty spurs us to look beyond ourselves. March 3.

18 | 04 2017 | rd.ca
 3 THE OLD
WORLD
Cary Fagan
4 ICE
GHOSTS
Paul Watson
Inspired by a trove of This is a remark-
found photographs, able account of
this new collection the lost Franklin
of short fiction by Expedition and
the Toronto author the serendipitous
embarks on flights of story of the ships
fancy both marvellous eventual discovery
(GIFT ED) WILSON WEBB. 2017 TWENTIETH CENTURY FOX FILM CORPORATION, ALL RIGHTS RESERVED

and macabre. These more than 150

35 bite-sized tales years after their
will tantalize anyone disappearance. Ice
whos ever happened Ghosts combines
upon a stash of sepia extensive research
snaps at an antiques with first-hand
market and wondered observations from
about the secret lives Paul Watson, a celebrated journalist who
of the subjects in was present during the mission. A must-read
the pictures. for anyone fascinated with the historyand
March 18. futureof Arctic exploration. March 21.

5 GIFTED
In this bittersweet family
drama, Chris Evans stars as Frank,
a devoted guardian who promised
his late sister hed give her daughter
the most normal life possible. When
it becomes clear the seven-year-old
is a math prodigy, Frank is torn: if he
sends the girl to a specialized school,
hell undermine his vow. Gifted pulls
at your heartstrings while tapping
into the relatable parental conun-
drum of how to ensure your childs
happiness while helping her reach
her full potential. April 12.

rd.ca | 04 2017 | 19
 Points to Ponder
BY C H RISTINA PALASS IO

P HOTOS: (CARSON ) P ENGUINRA NDOMH OUSEC AN ADA; (ALEXIS) H AN NAH ZOE DAVISON; ( TAG AQ) TANYATAG AQ.COM.
I cant imagine what it would be like If prose is a house, poetry

QUOTES: (ALEXIS) SEPT. 23, 2016; (CARSON) OCT. 30, 2016; (MATHESON) NOV. 25, 2016; (TAGAQ) NOV. 21, 2016.
to be satisfied with your work. I is a man on fire running
remember, once, reading about Ray quite fast through it.
Bradbury. He said that he would go
down to his library if he couldnt P o e t ANNE CARSON, in the Guardian

sleep, pull out one of his works, read

it and think, That was good. Then Anyone can yell or throw pans.
hed put it back and be able to But if you take five minutes and
go back to bed. That man talk to somebody, youll get
is the luckiest bastard respect and youll get the best
imaginable! out of them.

G i l l e r P r i z e w i n n i n g a u t h o r Chef and television host

ANDR ALEXIS, in The Globe and Mail MATTY MATHESON, in Canadian Business

I dont ever want to

be a Kraft cheese
slice of music.
Overly processed,
preconceived to
placate the masses,
bland and as chem-
ical as possible just
so it can be bought.
Mu s i c i a n TANYA TAGAQ, in Now Magazine

20 | 04 2017 | rd.ca
 You see how things
really work when they
start not to work.
TIFF MACKLEM, d e a n o f t h e R o t m a n S c h o o l o f
Ma n a g e m e n t , in U of T Magazine

As Inuit, our history has been Only a third of [health] problems

recorded for 4,000 years. Weve been are solved in primary care. The
living up there, hunting and gather- other two-thirds are solved at
ing. Basically, thats what were try- home, and thats where we need
ing to protect: our way of life. to go. The hospitals that figure this
out will win.
JERRY NATANINE, f o r m e r m a y o r o f
C l y d e R i v e r, Nu n a v u t , on the communitys fight DR. MIKE EVANS, c r e a t o r o f
against seismic testing in Baffin Bay E v a n s He a l t h L a b , on why encouraging
people to adopt healthier habits is the best road
to a healthier population, in Macleans
I had some of the greatest times
anybody ever had walking this earth
with Levon. And something hap- When showering, I like to face the
pened over time that he became bit- spray, head down, with a hand on
ter and angry. I felt terrible about the wall, like an athlete whos been
P HOTO: (M ACKLEM) ROTM AN S CH OOL OF MANAGEMEN T.

that, but I didnt know how to fix it, kicked out of a game. Intense!
so I had to walk away.
C o m e d i a n DEBRA DIGIOVANNI,
T h e B a n d s ROBBIE ROBERTSON, on Twitter

on CBC Radios q

I wanted to write a story that tells

The precision of language, married the stories we never hear, about over-
with facts, is the most effective whelmed social workers, immigrants
weapon the journalist has to hold who can never seem to break out of
people to account. This is never working poverty and women and
more keenly felt than at times children who really arent in control
of polarized debate. of their own lives.

DAVID WALMSLEY, e d i t o r- i n - c h i e f Au t h o r JEN SOOKFONG LEE

o f T h e G l o b e a n d Ma i l on her novel The Conjoined

QUOTES: (MACKLEM) U OF T MAGAZINE (FALL 2016); (NATANINE) CBC RADIOS AS IT HAPPENS

(NOV. 25, 2016); (ROBERTSON) NOV. 22, 2016; (WALMSLEY) THE GLOBE AND MAIL (NOV. 25, 2016);
(EVANS) OCT. 19, 2016; (DIGIOVANNI) SEPT. 28, 2015; (LEE) THE GLOBE AND MAIL (SEPT. 27, 2016).
HEALTH

What it is, who gets

it and how to treat it

Metabolic
Syndrome
Explained
BY SAMA N T HA RI D E O U T

! IN A 1988 lecture given in

New Orleans and hosted by the
diabetes and cardiovascular disease
(CVD) from blocked or narrowed
American Diabetes Association, arteries. The conditions involved in
Dr. Gerald Reaven observed that the metabolic syndrome (hypertension,
following health problems tend to cholesterol imbalance and so on)
show up together and might share a each increase the chances of heart
common cause: glucose intolerance, trouble on their own, but they may
resistance to insulin-stimulated also amplify each other, creating an
glucose uptake, high blood sugar, even greater CVD risk.
high triglycerides (a type of fat in An estimated 20 to 25 per cent
the blood), high blood pressure and of the worlds population has meta-
reduced high-density lipoprotein bolic syndrome. Theres no consen-
cholesterol (so-called good choles- sus about its root causes, although
terol). A large waist circumference one common theory blames insulin
is an additional risk factor. Anyone resistance (when the body cant
with at least three of these problems respond to the hormone that helps
can be diagnosed with metabolic move sugars from food into cells
ISTOC KPHOTO

syndrome, a concept that grew out for energy, causing a cascade of

of Reavens talk. imbalances). Often, insulin resis-
Sufferers have an above-average tance is triggered by excess weight,
likelihood of developing type 2 plus a lack of physical activity.

22 | 04 2017 | rd.ca
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READERS DIGEST

You can carry extra pounds with- is concentrated around the waistline,
out developing the syndrome, and he adds, because this fat secretes
the condition occurs more potentially
in obese women at harmful proteins.
a lower rate than in Compared to the general If you fit the criteria
obese men. Until population, those with for the syndrome,
menopause, women metabolic syndrome are your doctor may pre-
have higher levels of
estrogens, and this is 3 times
more likely to suffer
scribe medications for
the individual disor-
associated with higher ders. Its also key to
HDL cholesterol levels a heart attack and attack the entire clus-
and lower triglyceride
levels, says Dr. Bruce
5 times
more likely to develop
ter with an increase in
exercise and a health-
Wolffenbuttel, a pro- type 2 diabetes. ier dietyoull be
fessor of endocrinol- aiming to lose about
ogy and metabolism five to 10 per cent of
at University Medical Center Gronin- your body weight over a year. With
gen in the Netherlands. Metabolic effort, metabolic syndrome is revers-
syndrome is more likely when the fat ible, and so are its risks.

News From the

World of Medicine
Roller Coasters May Help kidney; the forces exerted by the ride
Pass Kidney Stones did cause mock stones of all sizes to
Researchers at Michigan State Uni- pass. Sufferers who enjoy roller coast-
versity grew curious about the Big ers might find them worth a try, the
Thunder Mountain Railroad roller lead researcher says.
coaster at Walt Disney World in
THE VOORHES

Florida after a number of patients Low-Factor Sunscreen

claimed to have passed kidney stones Leads to Unsafe Exposure
after riding it. They decided to test In an observational study of 143,844
it using a 3-D-printed model of a women led by the University of Oslo,

24 | 04 2017 | rd.ca
 Made you look.
And yes, Im wearing them.

The core absorbs

bladder leaks and odours in
seconds. Hugs my curves for
a discreet fit under clothes.

Always Discreet for

2016 P&G bladder leaks.
NEW READERS DIGEST

the subjects who used low-factor sunscreen (SPF

of 15 or less) had a greater melanoma risk than
those who didnt use sunscreen. People may
believe sunscreen lets them soak up rays safely,
but this isnt true if they dont wear enough, forget
to reapply it periodically, miss areas of exposed
Fast acting, skin or use products with an insufficient SPF.

long lasting Yoga Fairly Safe, but Dont Push It

pain relief for Yoga-related injuries are relatively rare, but theyre
more likely as you age, according to a 13-year
up to 12 hours
Orthopaedic Journal of Sports Medicine report. The
rate for people 65 and older was 58 per 100,000,
Targets arthritis compared to 12 per 100,000 for those 44 years of
pain at the site age and under. In all groups, the most common
mishaps were sprains and strains, and the most
of inammation affected area was the torso. Its important to choose
a qualified instructor and start off slowly.
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HEALTH

The type 2 variety of

the disease can cause
serious symptoms.
Heres what you need
to know.

Diabetes
Dangers
BY A N DR E M AY E R

! THE GOVERNMENT OF Can-

ada estimates that 60,000 new cases
your cells become resistant to it.
All these scenarios allow glucose
of type 2 diabetes crop up every to build up in the blood, which can
year, making it one of the countrys lead to serious consequences.
fastest-growing diseases. Yet many Type 2 diabetes can result from
people dont realize that it can cause obesity and a poor diet combined
symptoms well beyond feelings of with a sedentary lifestyle, or due to
occasional sluggishness. genetics and environmental factors.
Diabetes occurs when the body Dr. Jan Hux, chief science officer at
doesnt produce enough (or cant the Canadian Diabetes Association,
effectively use) insulin to transport says in most cases its a progressive
energy-providing glucose. In type 1 disease that requires medication to
diabetes, which usually develops in manage its numerous risks. If you
childhood, your pancreas doesnt have the condition, here are some
generate any of the hormone. In things to look out for.
ISTOC KPHOTO

type 2which usually develops after

age 40 and accounts for roughly 90 Heart and Stroke
per cent of all diabetes casesyour A buildup of glucose is hazardous
body makes too little insulin, or to your vascular system. In extreme

28 | 04 2017 | rd.ca
LANTUS

Always there
for me
Continue your
adventure

Theres only one LANTUS

Get treatment support at lantus.ca

Copyright 2017 sanofi-aventis Canada Inc.

All rights reserved.
READERS DIGEST

cases, blocked arteries can lead to spell major problems. Unnoticed

heart attacks or strokes; according and untreated, the smallest cut or
to the Canadian Diabetes Associa- abrasion can become infected and
tion, those with the condition can even lead to gangrene. What started
develop heart disease 10 to 15 years with a pebble in your shoe could one
earlier than the general population. day lead to the amputation of your
leg, says Hux.
Eyes and Ears
High blood-sugar levels can have Skin
significant effects on smaller blood Type 2 diabetes can also reduce
vessels. For example, this can cause blood flow to the skin, which can
overgrowth and potential bursting lead to a host of visible symptoms,
of vessels behind the eye, near the from a dry, flaky epidermis to cuts
retina, which is why diabetes is a that are slow to heal.
leading cause of blindness.
High blood pressure can pose a Psyche
similar risk in your ear canal. While Managing the potential effects out-
the precise cause isnt yet known, lined above can take a psychological
the American Diabetes Association toll on peoplediabetes distress,
reports that diabetics are twice as in Huxs words. Every day, diabetes
likely as non-diabetics to suffer robs them of somethinghappiness
hearing loss. or a sense of their future, she says.
Diabetics who experience feel-
Kidneys ings of anxiety or depression are
The disease can also affect vessels in encouraged to speak to their family
your kidneys, limiting their ability to physician about psychotherapy
clean your blood. Up to 50 per cent and antidepressants. According
of Canadians living with diabetes to the Canadian Diabetes Associa-
experience extreme damage to these tion, these measures have positive
organs, and many of them require effects on both mood and blood-
ongoing dialysis, says Hux. glucose management.

Nerves THOUGH ALL THESE symptoms

Another risk of diabetes is nerve may sound daunting, those living
damage, resulting in a loss of sensa- with type 2 diabetes have cause for
tion in parts of your body. Diabetes optimism: the condition can often
patients must be vigilant about their be managed with exercise and a
feet, as numbness in the area can more moderate diet.

30 | 04 2017 | rd.ca
 Discover great stories

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HEALTH

Case History
BY SY DN E Y LO N E Y
ILLUSTRATION BY VICTOR WONG

THE PATIENT: Marjorie, a 69-year-old When Marjorie arrived at Womens

retired accountant College for her appointment, she was
THE SYMPTOMS: Intense headache seen by a resident who conducted
and nausea a neurological exam. The patients
THE DOCTOR: Nicholas Pimlott, asso- speech and gait were normal and
ciate chief, department of family and she didnt exhibit any overt signs
community medicine, Womens Col- of stroke, such as facial drooping.
lege Hospital in Toronto But she couldnt easily point back
and forth between the tip of her
! AROUND 1 A.M. on a Saturday
in February 2015, Marjorie rose with
nose and the doctors index finger.
Marjories headache abated on its
severe nausea and was violently ill. own, but an MRI revealed a bleed on
She blamed the oysters shed eaten the right side of her brain. She was
during a dinner out the previous eve- transferred to Toronto Western Hos-
ning and fell back asleep. Two hours pital to consult with the neurosur-
later, she was jolted awake by a head- gery unit, where she was diagnosed
ache that kept her up till morning. with moyamoya disease, a rare,
When that pain didnt disappear after chronic, progressive disorder in
three days, she called her doctor. which vessels at the base of the brain
Such a headache, says Dr. Nicholas narrow, reducing blood flow and
Pimlott, Marjories long-time GP, can causing a stroke. (The tangle of ves-
be ominous. A doctors first concern sels at the base of the skull resemble
is that it could be an intercranial a puff of smoke, which is what moya-
hemorrhage or a stroke. moya means in Japanese.) Its most

32 | 04 2017 | rd.ca
common in children, and theres read Atul Gawandes 2014 book,
some evidence that the condition Being Mortal, which explores how
may be hereditary. to navigate aging and dying. One
Theres no medication to reverse section, on doctor-patient relation-
the progression of moyamoya; treat- ships and shared decision-making,
ment focuses on decreasing the risk resonated with her. We want infor-
of another stroke, the odds of which mation and control but we also want
go up as blood flow is restricted. guidance, Gawande wrote.
After several days under observa-
tion, Marjorie went home. Her neur-
ologist said there was nothing more
the hospital could do, so she sought
It was a lesson for me in
advice from Pimlott, who began read- patient advocacy, says
ing up on the disease. Marjorie con- Dr. Nicholas Pimlott.
sulted the Internet and learned the
only significant treatment available is
surgical bypass, which involves con- Pimlott coached his patient to ask
necting a blood vessel from outside certain questions. (If she didnt go
the brain to a vessel on the inside to ahead with the surgery, for instance,
reroute blood flow around the nar- what was her risk of having a stroke
rowed arteries. She contacted the compared to the dangers of the
neurosurgeon in California who had procedure itself?) In the end, Mar-
pioneered the treatment, as well as a jorie felt the potential hazards out-
neurosurgeon in Toronto who had weighed any benefit and opted not to
trained with himand got two very have the operation. It was a lesson
different opinions. for me in patient advocacy and
The U.S. doctor believed Marjo- supporting someone in their quest
ries condition was more likely due for answers, Pimlott says. My job
to a possible previous injury that was to help empower my patient to
predisposed her to having a bleed talk with her specialists and to help
and that the risk of her having her settle on the best outcome.
an additional stroke wasnt high More than a year after her stroke,
enough to warrant the surgery, Marjorie is doing well. Although
while the Canadian surgeon felt she she monitors her blood pressure
would benefit from the procedure. and cholesterol more stringently,
It was difficult for her, Pimlott shes active, healthy and confident
says. Whose opinion do you ques- that she made the decision that was
tion? He recommended that she best for her.

rd.ca | 04 2017 | 33
 SPECIAL SECTION

MEET THE WINNERS!

We are proud to announce the results of our ninth annual
Trusted Brand Survey, confirming that trust is an important
driver in Canadian consumers purchase decisions. We asked
Canadians to vote for the brands they trust most across
30 categories of products, services, and retailersthe brands
that deliver quality, value, and reliability. On the following
pages you will see who has come out on top.

Congratulations to the 2017 winners that have earned

our countrys trustand to our gold winners who
have continually earned the trust of Canadians for
5 or more consecutive years!
Trusted Brand is a registered trademark of Readers Digest
 SPECIAL FEATURE

GOLD WINNER

Life Insurance Company

SUNLIFE FINANCIAL
2010-2017

Sun Life Financials roots run deep in Canada, where

our company was founded more than 150 years ago.
Our business began with the sale of insurance and has
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clients. Today we are an industry leader with a client base
of millions of individuals and thousands of companies across
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 SPECIAL FEATURE

GOLD WINNER

Sensitive
Toothpaste
SENSODYNE
2011-2017

Consumer
Electronics
Retailer
BEST BUY GOLD WINNER

Sunscreen
COPPERTONE
2010-2017

Blood Glucose
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Tea
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GOLD WINNER

Passenger Car Manufacturer

TOYOTA Home
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BUCKLEYS THE HOME DEPOT
Toyota vehicles are renowned for
their safety, quality and valuein
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compact Yaris to the new Camry, GOLD WINNER
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Quick Service Cereal
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McDONALDS 2010-2017

GOLD WINNER

Hybrid Car Manufacturer

TOYOTA
2011-2017

Toyota led a powertrain revolution with the Prius, selling

more than nine million hybrids. Today, they account for
three of every four hybrids sold in Canada. Exceptional
fuel economy and lower emissionspaired with the range
and fueling of conventional vehiclesmeans a Toyota
or Lexus hybrid for every lifestyle.
 SPECIAL FEATURE

GOLD WINNER

Vitamin
JAMIESON
2011-2017

GOLD WINNER
Headache
Pain Reliever
TYLENOL
2013-2017

Bottled Water Weight

NESTL Loss Disinfectant
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At Nestl Pure Life we WEIGHT Spray
measure our products by the WATCHERS LYSOL
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it right at the source to bring DRUG MART
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high-quality convenient healthy
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GOLD WINNER
implements industry-leading
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PURINA*

ABOUT THE SURVEY

In an independent opinion poll, commissioned by Reader's Digest, Ipsos Canada conducted an
online survey of over 4,000 Canadian adults from Sept 9-16, 2016. Quota sampling was used
and the sample was stratified by language (English n = 3,053 and French n = 956.) Respon-
dents were asked for their most trusted brand within each category, in an open-ended question
format. Results were weighted to census data to be representative of the population. Using a
credibility interval, the overall results are considered accurate to within +/-1.8 percentage points,
19 times out of 20, of what the results would be had the entire population of adults been polled.

VISIT READERSDIGEST.CA/TRUSTED-BRANDS TO LEARN

MORE ABOUT OUR 2017 TRUSTED BRAND PROGRAM.

*Tied within this category. Trusted Brand is a registered trademark of Readers Digest.
COVER STORY

In need of inspiration on April 1? From prank

calls made by mischievous dads to satirical
headlines gone viral, Canadians share stories
of their most memorable practical jokes

FOOLS
PARADISE ILLUSTRATIONS BY LEEANDRA CIANCI
SLEEP DISTURBANCE would throw a lavish party, with all-
One year when I was in middle you-can-eat oysters. The best oyster
school, April Fools fell on a Friday. shuckers in the city would come to
Ian, my 11-year-old brother, had compete to see who could open the
the day off for parent-teacher con- most the fastest. The winner got free
ferences at his elementary school. drinks for the night and bragging
(Sadly, I still had class.) While eat- rights for a year. My job was far less
ing breakfast, my dad asked if Id be glamorous: I had to haul dripping
up for messing with Ian. I answered bags of shells to the dumpster. During
yesas would any older sister in her one of my trips, I had a bright idea.
right mind. We typed up a fake let- I returned to the kitchen, proudly
ter announcing that conferences had (and falsely) proclaiming, Guess
been cancelled due to low attend- what! I found a pearl!
ance and classes were back on. It Production in the kitchen ground
was a flimsy excuse, but we banked to a halt. As everyone clamoured to
on my brother being too groggy to see my discovery, I was overcome
notice. My dad woke him up, crum- with regret. I was forced to dash their
pled letter in hand, claiming hed hopes with a feeble just kidding,
found it in my brothers backpack. and quickly became a staff pariah.
Ian was confused, but Dad moved During my next trip to the garbage,
quickly, pulling clothes out of my I seriously considered joining the
brothers dresser and telling him to empty shells in the dumpster.
get ready. Bleary-eyed, Ian ambled JACKIE PIRICO, COMEDIAN
down the stairs minutes later, and
Dad ushered him to the car.
We only got a couple of blocks
before Dad, way too pleased with
himself, burst out laughing and
yelled, April Fools! Ian was mad
that wed ruined his chance to sleep
in. The joke was ultimately on me,
though: I still had to go to class.
ANNA FITZPATRICK, WRITER

CAUGHT IN A LIE
Six years ago, I worked at a bar in
Montreal, bussing tables and wash-
ing dishes. Once a year, the place

rd.ca | 04 2017 | 39
READERS DIGEST

OUT OF THIS WORLD

In May 2013, Canadian astronaut
Chris Hadfield had just returned to
earth after a 145-day mission. Writers
at The Beavertonthe satirical news
site for which I workwere searching
for a funny way to cover this historic
event. We settled on an issue many
Canadians can relate to: high cell- ACCESS DENIED
phone bills. I came up with a brief At 18, I was accepted to collegeit was
post titled Hadfield comes home a miracle considering my less-than-
to $1.37-million Rogers phone bill. great (read: terrible) grades. I called
To our surprise, tens of thousands of my dad to tell him. He congratulated
people shared it online, some even me repeatedly, and I ended the con-
falling for the headline. versation feeling accomplished.
L a t e r t h a t y e a r, s a t i r i s t Ia n Then the phone rang. On the other
MacIntyre wrote a story about Had- end was a man who explained that
field being kicked out of a movie thered been a mistake: the acceptance
theatre for heckling. The piece was a clerical error and I wouldnt be
claimed the astronaut had been admitted after all. He apologized and
pointing out inaccuracies in the hung up. I immediately started crying.
portrayal of the space program in Too devastated to answer the phone
the film Gravity. The response was when it rang again, I paused my melt-
once again dumbfounding. A major down only when I heard my mom yell-
news website in Australia reported ing: it turns out the mystery registrar
it as fact ; TMZ and a number of was actually just my dads friend at
other outlets reached out to Had- work. Since Id announced my news
fields son and social media man- on April 1, I was eligible for prank-
ager, Evan, for comment. Ian and I ingregardless of how traumatic the
felt like jerks, but fortunately, the experience might be. My dads joke
Hadfields have an excellent sense of (and its flawless execution) wound up
humour. They were amused by the significantly influencing the kind of
(PHONE) I STOCKP HOTO

second article and didnt demand person I became: an inveterate prank-

we take it down. From that point ster. But perhaps most importantly,
on, though, we decided to leave the April Fools 2004 taught me to never,
commander alone. ever trust anybody who calls you on
ALEX HUNTLEY, EDITOR AT THE SATIRICAL the phone.
NEWS SITE THE BEAVERTON ANNE T. DONAHUE, WRITER

40 | 04 2017 | rd.ca
MAKE YOUR MARK At that point, my trick really back-
Id gone to bed the night before fired. My poor partner, who hap-
knowing Id planned everything right. pened to be six months pregnant and
The lady whod applied my tempor- had been having a stressful morning,
ary tattoo told me that by morning, began crying silently.
it would be dark enough to fool any- Tearfully, she said, I cant believe
body into thinking it was real. The you didnt talk to me about it. We talk
next day, as my wife began getting to each other about these things!
ready for work, I strategically moved Theres nothing quite like the guilt
my arm so that my fake tattoo of birds of making your stressed-out, preg-
in flight would be visible. nant wife cry. I felt terrible! I rushed
A couple seconds went by, and to explain that it was fake and Id
thensuccess! She spotted it. been planning the prank for days.
Whats that? she asked appre- This made her more upset: why, she
hensively. wondered, didnt I just back down
Oh, this? I was meaning to tell after witnessing her shock?
you, I got this a couple of In the end, I learned that when it
You didnt! she interrupted. As comes to pranks, context is everything.
we talked, the panic in her voice A couple of days later, I went to visit
grew, and I wondered whether to my mother. I rolled up my sleeves and
continue. The wise move was to turned my arm around slowly.
come clean. Whats that? she asked apprehen-
Yeah, I did! I got the tattoo on sively.
Wedne ELAMIN ABDELMAHMOUD, WRITER

rd.ca | 04 2017 | 41
 Do It Yourself
See if you can pull off these
simple gags this April Fools Day
BY S IN AD M ULH E RN

PHANTOM OF THE OFFICE: This is

the perfect way to prank a gullible
co-worker. Arrive early to the office
with a wireless keyboard. Pair your
co-workers computer with the
device, but leave their regular key-
board in place. Control their com-
puter from your own desk and watch
how they react when the machine
seemingly takes on a life of its own.

DULY NOTED: Be prepared to splurge

BIG MESS: Fill two glasses with a little on heaps of sticky notes. The
water. Place a laminated sheet on top, victim of this prank must have a car
flip them upside-down on a table, parked in an accessible location for
and pull the sheet out from under- at least an hour. Use the sticky notes
neath the cups. Anyone who discov- to cover their vehicle in a pattern of
ers the upturned vessels wont be your choice. Cross your fingers that
able to move them without creating once they discover your masterpiece,
a puddle. theyll be willing to take a drive and
show it off.
NO TOUCH: Bring a new appliance Sources: youtube.com, collegehumour.com,
mashable.com, popsugar.com
into the office, like a toaster or micro-
wave. Stick a sign on the machine
that says, Voice activated, and see
if anyone tries to use it hands-free.

BROWN ES: Cut out several letter Es

from brown construction paper and
place them on a plate. Tell everyone
there are fresh brown Es waiting in
the kitchen.

42 | 04 2017 | rd.ca
 JOKES ON ME
Recently, while looking to purchase
speakers, I headed to a Best Buy,
where I tested some Bluetooth mod-
els using my phone. Then I had a
hilarious idea: I would stand at a
distance and play fart noises on my
phone through the speaker. No one WHEN MOMS PRANK
would know I was the one causing When I was 24, my then-girlfriend
the racket. I walked 15 metres away and I threw a Halloween party. The
and found a track on Spotify. It was holiday fell on a Wednesday, though,
called Fart SoundsOver 1,000 so only 10 people showed. Sitting
Farts, so I knew it must be good stuff. around, we heard a knock on the
When I pressed play, nothing hap- door. I was initially excited, think-
pened, so I moved closer, assuming ing more guests had arrived, but my
I was out of range. Turns out there enthusiasm faded when I saw who
was a 20-second delay before the or whatwas there: a stranger wear-
first noise. I was standing directly in ing hockey gear and a monkey mask.
front of the speaker when it produced Whos this? I asked. There was no
a thundering sound. Everyone looked answer, just a bunch of grunts as the
at me. Blushing, I darted out of Best creature ventured inside. Each time
Buy, and drove home, with no speak- we asked the simian Sidney Crosby
ers and very little dignity. to identify itself, it simply jumped
D.J. DEMERS, COMEDIAN around making monkey sounds. After
20 minutes, the ape placed a plastic
bag of candy and an unsealed bottle
of vodka on our table. As the room
debated whether or not the liquor was
safe to drink, the interloper slowly
peeled off its mask. It was my mom.
Are you nuts? I yelled. But she
(SP EAKERS) ISTOCKPHOTO

seemed unfazed.
I thought youd know it was me,
she said. With that, she told us to
enjoy the treats and lumbered back
to her car, still wearing my dads
hockey equipment.
CHRIS LOCKE, COMEDIAN

rd.ca | 04 2017 | 43
 Timeline of Trickery
A well-executed prank never gets old.
Here, gags that are sure to go down in history.
BY DAVID E M ASTRACC I

USE YOUR NOODLE the BBC received calls email, announced Micro-
On April 1, 1957, BBCs from people claiming soft had bought the
Panorama television theyd defied gravity. Roman Catholic Church,
program ran a segment The prank has since Vatican City and all. In
documenting a familys been revived, going viral it, Bill Gates was quoted
spaghetti harvest in online as recently as 2015. saying the faithful could
Switzerland. The seg- get Communion and
ment claimed noodles HOLIDAZED reduce their time in Pur-
were grown and showed In 1977, Guardian readers gatory, all on the web. It
the family picking them fell in love with San Ser- was one of the first suc-
off trees. Back then, spa- riffe, a country near the cessful online pranks.
ghetti was a delicacy in Seychelles islands. There
Britain, so many viewers was one problem: it PHONE FRAUD
fell for the hoax, some didnt exist. The report In 2008, the Masked
even asking where to on the countrys history, Avengers, a Montreal-
buy their own plant. which was printed as an comedy duo, showed
April Fools gag, was rid- Canadians can pull off
HEAD IN THE CLOUDS dled with printing puns, a good gag, too. The
In the lead-up to April including the main group recorded them-
Fools Day in 1976, Pat- islands, shaped like a selves calling Sarah Palin,
rick Moore, an astrono- semi-colon, called Upper the Republican vice-
mer and charismatic and Lower Caisse. The presidential candidate
BBC radio host, imbued obvious signs of trickery at the time, posing as
the term leap of faith didnt deter readers, who French president Nicho-
with new meaning. On phoned in asking for las Sarkozy. Sarkozy
air, he claimed that at more information about told Palin hed love to go
9:47 a.m. on April 1, Pluto the new hot spot. huntingso long as Dick
would pass behind Jupi- Cheney didnt come. The
ter, reducing gravity on MICROSOFT VC recording received inter-
earth. If listeners jumped In December 1994, a fake national attention, forc-
at that moment, he said, Associated Press article, ing Palins campaign to
theyd float. Soon after, spread by a prankster via admit shed been fooled.

44 | 04 2017 | rd.ca
 NO CONTROL obsession. After exhausting all the
I have a friend who built an elabor- devices in his home theatre, he took
ate home theatre. The centrepiece the remote upstairs to see if it worked
was a coffee table full of remotes. It on any of his machines there. When
occurred to me on April Fools Day, that didnt pan out, he started haul-
as I was leaving my home for his, that ing out older units from his closet to
while he might become confused if I test it on them. Twice I had to head
hid one of these, he would probably for the washroom because I couldnt
be more confused if I added one. hold back my laughter. By the end of
So I brought an old remote of mine my visit, he still hadnt figured out
(REM OTES) ISTOCKP HOTO

and snuck it into the pile. About 45 that Id planted the clicker.
minutes later, he spotted the for- A few days later I was back at his
eign clicker, stared at it, then started place. During a moment alone, I
pointing it at equipment and press- took out a key to an apartment I was
ing buttons. Naturally, it had no no longer living in and added it to
effect, and over the next few hours his key chain.
this morphed into a full-fledged DAVID ACER, COMEDIAN

rd.ca | 04 2017 | 45
Coastie rescuers by their Jayhawk,
from left: co-pilot Rick Post, flight
mechanic Joshua Andrews; rescue
swimmer Ben Cournia and pilot
Dave McCarthy.
 DRAMA IN REAL LIFE

The small Coast Guard outpost received an

emergency call: a hurricane was raging, and a
freighter with a crew of 12 was going down

BY TRISTRAM KO RTEN FR O M G Q

rd.ca | 04 2017 | 47
READERS DIGEST

AT ABOUT 8 P.M. on Thursday, about 56 kilometres per hour, but

October 1, 2015, the Coast Guards experts werent concerned. Even if the
Air Station Clearwater sent word of gathering winds of Tropical Depres-
an emergency to the team stationed sion 11 became a storm, projections
on Great Inagua Island, a base in the showed it staying far from land.
Bahamas: a hurricane was raging in Along the Miami River, the crew of
the area, and the freighter Minouche, the Minouchea dozen men, about
carrying 12, was going down. On the half of them Haitianwas preparing
phone from Florida, Commander to cast off. The 35-year-old freighter,
Scott Phy had a question: could a nearly 65 metres long, was operated by
chopper crew venture into the storm? a tiny firm called Eva de Shipping. The
A tiny land mass just north of plan was to set off that morning for
Cuba and Haiti with a population Port-de-Paix, Haiti, carrying around
of 900, Great Inagua Island is one of $2 million in cargo, including food, two
the Coast Guards loneliest outposts. generators and 800 pairs of shoes that
For two weeks that fall, the base was had been collected for a Haitian mis-
home to, among others, the four-man sion called Waves of Mercy. The crew
helicopter crew on duty that fateful had no reason to think they wouldnt
night: rescue swimmer Ben Cournia arrive by Thursday, as scheduled.
and pilot Dave McCarthy, both 36, But up north, almost 805 kilometres
28-year-old lieutenant and co-pilot out in the Atlantic, the winds were
Rick Post, and 32-year-old flight building. By nightfall they were blow-
mechanic Joshua Andrews. ing at 64 kilometres per hour, strong
Though the team had been antici- enough to earn the storm a name and
pating a fairly uneventful deploy- an upgrade: meteorologists were now
mentsnorkelling, fishing, hanging watching Tropical Storm Joaquin.
outthat plan had been upturned
by the arrival of the hurricane. When BY WEDNESDAY MORNING, Joaquin
he got the call from Commander Phy, had been classified as a Category 1
McCarthy didnt hesitate to muster hurricane. The winds were blowing at
his crew. almost 170 kilometres per hour. The
National Hurricane Center issued
T H E P R E V I O U S M O N DAY had a blunt warning to anybody in the
dawned cloudy in south Florida. The Bahamas: Preparations to protect
night before, forecasters just outside life and property should be rushed
Miami had observed a low-pressure to completion. The storm reached
system 652 kilometres southwest of Category 2 status, with gusts of 83 to
Bermuda. Winds were blowing at 95 knots, that evening.

48 | 04 2017 | rd.ca
 On Thursday, the Minouche was pointed the aircraft south. The rotors
racing east in an attempt to outrun thudded. The radios crackled. The
the storm. As the boat battled waves fearsome wind pushed the Jayhawk
of up to nine metres, cargo had started forward, up and to the side.
to rock loose. The shifting weight On the deck of the Minouche, the
caused the ship to list to port, so they crew of 12 strapped on life vests.
weighted down the starboard side. They proceeded to bring out the
Nothing seemed to work, and Joaquin 104-kilogram life raft, which inflated
kept up its assault. The crew began to form a big black hexagon with an
tossing containers over in a desperate orange tent canopy in the water. The
scramble to stabilize the vessel. Thats men jumped in and waited for help
when they lost engine power. to arrive. Tiny lights on their life pre-
Drifting powerless, the Minouche servers glowed in the dark.
was natures punching bag. Night was
descending, and there was nothing
left to do but enact the terrible rou-
tines that every sailor dreads. A crew THE SHIP WAS GONE;
member sent an email to the agent in ONLY LIGHT WAS
Miami and activated the emergency VISIBLE UNDER THE
signal that provided would-be res- WAVES. THE SPEED OF
cuers with the boats location. The THE SUBMERSION
captain, Renelo Gelera, authorized SHOCKED THE CREW.
a distress call on the Inmarsat satel-
lite network, then ordered his men to
prepare to abandon ship. After about 30 minutes in the sky,
the Jayhawk reached the Minouches
WHEN THE COASTIES on Great coordinates. Post piloted over the area
Inagua received the call on Thurs- in a wide, banking curve. Below was
day night, the wind was blowing so the spectral outline of the doomed
ferociously that the men had to climb freighter. The helicopter zipped by in a
into their Jayhawk inside the hangar sweeping circle, searching for the raft;
and employ a little tractor to tow the when it came around a few minutes
chopper out to the tarmac. later, the bow of the ship was already
Outside, the night was black, and underwater. They made another orbit.
McCarthy and Post strapped on This time the ship was gone; only light
their night-vision goggles. Against was visible beneath the waves. The
the blowing force of the storm, Post speed of the submersion shocked the
manoeuvred off the ground and choppers crew. As Cournia stared at

rd.ca | 04 2017 | 49
READERS DIGEST

the ghostly glow, whatever enthusi- Cournia thought, the more nervous
asm hed had for getting in the water Ill get. So lets start moving. He
was tempered by nerves. flashed Andrews a thumbs-up.
The raft bobbed in the waves a Swimmer s ready, Andrews
few kilometres from the ship. The shouted into the radio, knowing he
wind was buffeting the Jayhawk, and needed to be the pilots eyes. After
the rain and dark were messing with a few final checks, he got the okay.
Posts equilibrium. Instead of looking Swimmers on the way down, he
out the windshield to get his bear- told McCarthy. Swimmers in the
ings, he had to rely on the hover bars water. Swimmers away. Swimmers
on the instrument panel that showed okay. Clear to move.
the crafts relationship to a fixed point. The water felt reassuringly warm,
With their eyes on the rescue tar- but the ferocity of the waves caught
get, the crew discussed their options. Cournia off guard. He was amazed at
They decided to lower Cournia down how fast the raft was moving. Catch-
on a cable into the water, where hed ing up and grabbing hold, he peered
disconnect and swim to the raft. inside. Cournia asked if anyone was
Then Andrews would use the hoist injured. The answer was no. Then he
to lower a steel basket, and Cournia explained that he was going to get
would load survivors in one at a time, them all into that helicopter whoosh-
to be lifted up to the Jayhawk. ing above, one at a time. Any ques-
Cournia strapped on his swim hel- tions? A crew member wanted to
met and buckled his vest, donned his know the status of their ship.
mask and fins, stepped to the door Its gone, Cournia told them.
and looked down at the maelstrom Shock spread across their faces. It
nine metres below. A blast of wind was as if, bobbing alone out there in
rushed in. Rescue swimmers are the storm, they only now were grasp-
the Coast Guards most elite opera- ing the gravity of their situation.
tives, and the path to becoming one
is brutally difficult. Approximately SEIZING THE MOST frightened-
one-fifth of those who are tapped looking man in the raft, Cournia
to try out make it through swimmer pulled him into the water. He sig-
school, a gauntlet of harrowing simu- nalled for the basket, a kind of walled
lations and near drownings. All that metal seat, and loaded in the sur-
effort prepares graduates physically vivor. Then he turned to swim back to
and psychologically for this sort of the raftonly it wasnt there. Winds
momenta battle with the wind and and current had pulled it nearly 100
the waves. The more I stand around, metres away.

50 | 04 2017 | rd.ca
 The men who came to the Minouches aid, clockwise from top left: Ben Cournia,
Commander Scott Phy, Dave McCarthy and Rick Post, ready for action.

It took Cournia five minutes Andrews and McCarthy decided to

of hard swimming to catch up. hover taxi the swimmer, dangling
He pulled out another sailor and him from the cable above the waves.
waved for the basket. After sending This worked for two rescues, then
it up, he noticed the raft had again Cournia hit a snag. He pointed at one
THOM AS PRI OR

drifted. Watching from the Jayhawk, scared survivor, grabbed his collar and
Andrews wasnt sure Cournia could pulled him from the raft. Terrified, the
last if he was forced to constantly man screamed and jumped into the
chase his target. water on top of him.

rd.ca | 04 2017 | 51
READERS DIGEST

In a panicked clench, the sailor In order to conserve fuel, Post had

wrapped his legs around Cournia and positioned the hovering helicopter
pushed down on his rescuers shoul- so it faced the headwind. Still, with
ders. The elite swimmers training only eight survivors in the cabin,
kicked in. Suck, tuck and duck. He McCarthy, watching the fuel gauge,
sucked in a full breath, then tucked signalled that they had to return
his chin down to protect his throat. to base. Andrews hoisted Cournia
He wiggled one arm free and tapped up to the Jayhawk, and the winded
the man gently to let him know swimmer yanked off his mask. He
everything was okay. But the sailor was exhausted and exhilarated
freaked out more, thrashing his and desperate to get back into the
arms. With his free hand, Cournia fight. Theres still people there!
jammed his thumb into a pressure he shouted. But McCarthy was firm:
point under the sailors jawbone, just Theyll be okay. Theyre on the raft.
as hed learned; he also managed to The chopper refuelled, dropped
ram the thumb on his trapped arm the initial rescues at the base and flew
into a pressure point above the mans back to the Minouche around 3 a.m.,
left elbow. The sailor froze. Cournia about an hour later. Cournia quickly
quickly grabbed him in a cross-chest recovered one sailor. But as Andrews
carry and swam to the basket. guided the cable lifting the basket
But two or three rescues later, as into the Jayhawk, he felt a snag on his
Cournia motioned for the hoist, a wave glove. Sure enough, a few strands had
came rearing up. The swell caught the broken. There was no way around it
basketcarrying a manjust as a gust they would have to swap helicopters.
of wind dropped the Jayhawk. The By around 4:45 a.m., when the Coas-
survivor was carried away from the ties returned to the Minouches crew
chopper. It was as if a hooked fish was again in the new chopper, the storm
pulling line from a reel. had grown worse. Increased lightning,
Andrews desperately played the combined with the static electricity
cable out while furiously directing generated by the helicopter itself, had
the pilot. The basket, yanked from the the potential to charge the metal all
helicopter, had come swinging back around them. Cournia was recover-
like a pendulum. After several harrow- ing the first of the last three survivors.
ing minutesfor the crew and for the As the cable lifted the basket out of the
man yo-yoing in mid-airit reached water, he reached up to steady the seat,
the Jayhawk. The sailor inside made it and bam! An electric shock convulsed
onto the cabin floor, where he joined him. After the charge passed through,
his crewmates, frozen in shock. he pried his hands off the steel. There

52 | 04 2017 | rd.ca
was nothing to do about it, he thought,
except be careful. Cournia was lifted STORMY WEATHER AHEAD
up after aiding the remaining two
survivorsthe Minouches captain As the Minouche was making its way to
was the last man in the raftand the Haiti, El Faro, an American commercial
Jayhawk turned west to Great Inagua freighter more than 240 metres long, left
Florida for Puerto Rico. After its captain
just as dawn began to stain the grey called for help on Thursday morning, his
clouds orange. radio went silent; when the Coast Guard
reached the area in which the freighter
THE MINOUCHES HAITIAN survivors was most likely to be, all they could find
were eventually flown home, and was debris. All 33 crew members per-
ished, and the ship now rests 4,500
with their ship gone, none have so far
metres beneath the oceans surface.
returned to Miamiat least accord- When Joaquin hit in fall 2015, it was
ing to their shipping agent. (None of the strongest hurricane of non-tropical
the crew could be reached for this origin ever recorded by satellite. A few
story. Their accounts are taken from weeks later, a Category 5 squall named
official reports and conversations Patricia swelled in the Pacific. Its winds
reached 343 kilometres per hour, mak-
they had with the Coast Guard crew.) ing it the most intense storm on record
For the Jayhawk crew, one image is in the western hemisphere.
forever seared into their minds: they On a warming planet, seawater evap-
all recall that dull glow dimming as orates quickly, transferring heat to the
the Minouche went under. It was one atmosphere, which feeds winds. More
heat speeds up evaporation, leading
of the eeriest things Ive seen in my
to stronger gales. Everything suggests
life, that 212-foot vessel all lit up, says more superstorms are in the forecast.
Post now. It still gives me chills. And As El Faro illustrates, new strategies are
they remember how, finally, for a needed to adapt to monster weather
dozen fortunate sailors, they man- systems. Otherwise, we may face more
avoidable tragedies in the future.
aged to keep the darkness from
overtaking the light.

2016 COND NAST. FROM INTO THE STORM, GQ (OCTOBER 27, 2016). GQ.COM.

HONEST ADVERTISING

2-in-1 shampoo is so bad, it should be called 0 for 2.

EMMY BLOTNICK, comedian

rd.ca | 04 2017 | 53
 These habits are good for your
health but bad for your teeth

WEAPONS
of MOUTH
DESTRUCTION BY LISA BE NDALL

IVE ALWAYS BEEN diligent about and after decades of overly vigorous
brushing my teeth at least twice a cleaning, my teeth had developed
day. (Who doesnt love a minty- an uncomfortable sensitivity to
fresh smile?) But six or seven years heat and cold. My dental hygienist
ago, I learned that my technique explained that the enamel, or pro-
was sorely lacking. I tended to rush tective layer, was wearing thin and
through the job, scrubbing furiously, exposing the more sensitive dentine

54 | 04 2017 | rd.ca
MASTERFILE/I STOCKPHOTO

HEALTH
READERS DIGEST

underneath. Among her suggestions: worse as you get older, since your
brush gently up and down rather gums tend to recede with age and
than aggressively, and take your expose more root surface. (Tooth
timeat least two minutes. roots arent covered by enamel, but
Its a very typical example, says rather a thinner layer of a substance
Dr. Euan Swan, manager of dental called cementum.)
programs at the Canadian Dental If you want to exercise caution,
Association. A patient is proud of the wait approximately 30 minutes to
fact that theyre brushing so hard, but brush. Saliva is a buffering agent
theyre damaging their teeth. and will bring the acidity of the oral
When we first develop habits to environment down, but it takes time,
improve our well-being, we arent says Gerry (Geraldine) Cool, a dental
always aware of the problems they hygienist in Calgary and the presi-
could cause for our pearly whites. dent of the Canadian Dental Hygien-
Teeth tend to be a lower prior- ists Association. Eating some types
ity in terms of health, so some of dairy, especially cheddar cheese,
things tend to get missed, says can raise the pH inside the mouth
Dr. Mark Parhar, an endodontist in and release calcium and other sub-
Port Moody, B.C., who specializes stances that fight plaque; and rins-
in the soft inner tissues of the teeth. ing your mouth with water can help
Here are seven healthy practices that wash away debris wedged between
could be trashing your teethand teeth. You can also brush before eat-
how to stop the damage. ing something acidic instead of after.

1. BRUSHING AFTER 2. TAKING MEDICATION

YOU EAT (WHICH THEN CAUSES
Does your morning routine include DRY MOUTH)
grabbing a toothbrush immediately You may be diligent about control-
after breakfast? Kudos to you for ling your chronic health condition
brushing regularly, but your timing by taking prescribed medications as
needs tweaking. When you consume directed. Unfortunately, if youre on
something acidic, like oranges or any one or more of the hundreds of
tomatoes, the enamel temporarily drugsincluding certain antidepres-
softens and becomes susceptible sants and pain medsthat have
to abrasive wear. If you brush your the side effect of reducing saliva
teeth, especially forcefully, you can flow, your oral health could suffer.
remove enamel, which will leave your Patients on those medications tend
chompers feeling sensitive. It gets to have a dry mouth, so theyre at

56 | 04 2017 | rd.ca
a higher risk of developing tooth physical contact, whether on the rink
decay, says Swan, because the or on the basketball court.
saliva isnt there to physically wash When you dont wear a mouth-
food debris away or buffer acids. guard, you see teeth chipping or being
knocked outdamage that requires a
lot of work to repair, says Parhar, who
has a background in sports dentistry.
LEMON WATER MAY Intense exercise may also affect the
BE POPULAR, BUT quantity and quality of your saliva. A
ACIDIC FRUIT JUICE 2015 study of triathletes in The Scan-
IS A MAJOR CULPRIT dinavian Journal of Medicine & Sci-
WHEN IT COMES TO ence in Sports showed that when the
DENTAL EROSION. athletes were active, their saliva flow
slowed down while pH went up. Both
changes can have a negative impact
The solution isnt to stop your medi- on teeth, which suggests that any-
cation, unless your doctor can offer one active in sports should practise
an alternative without that side effect. meticulous oral hygiene and seek
Instead, try sipping water throughout regular dental care.
the day. You can increase saliva flow
with sugarless gum, mints contain- 4. DRINKING LEMON
ing xylitol, or sprays, gels and tablets WATER
designed specifically for dry mouth. Swigging water with fresh lemon juice
is said to help digestion, strengthen
3. EXERCISING (WITHOUT immunity and cleanse your body of
DENTAL PROTECTION) toxins. I find it nice as a hot drink in
There are many ways physical activ- the morning, especially when its cold
ity benefits your body. It helps with out, says 64-year-old Christine Peets
cardiovascular health, weight control of Napanee, Ont., who drinks lemon
and mood management, for starters. water throughout the day to calm her
Participating in impact sports such as digestive issues and stay hydrated.
ice hockey or martial arts, however, She became concerned, though,
can do a number on your teeth if they after her relativealso a fan of the
arent properly protected. A custom drinkdiscovered it was weakening
mouthguard (fitted by a dentist) pro- her tooth enamel, so Peets checked
vides a cushion around your teeth in with her dental hygienist. Lemon
case of an impact to the face. They can water may be a popular trend, but
be invaluable when theres a risk of acidic fruit juice is a major culprit

rd.ca | 04 2017 | 57
READERS DIGEST

when it comes to dental erosion from restorations. Van Drie adds that con-
diet. Even though youre diluting stant exposure to cold temperatures
lemon juice with water, youre still can lead to dentine hypersensitivity.
raising the acid level of the mouth. If
you sip, and youre doing that two or
three times throughout the day over a
prolonged period of time, Id be con- FLUORIDATED TAP
cerned, says Cool. WATER REDUCES
Peetss hygienist warned her to TOOTH DECAY IN
delay brushing right away after con- KIDS AND ADULTS.
suming lemon water, and also rec- ITS ALSO COST-
ommended trying toothpaste for EFFECTIVE AND SAFE.
sensitive teeth and brushing less
forcefully. Drinking quickly is not a
full fix, but its much better than sip- Ive got a few ice chewers in my
ping the tart mixture at length; using practice, and Im always encouraging
a straw may also lessen detrimental them to break that habit. You just
effects. Check that the water isnt too dont want to crunch hard things,
hot, as warmer temperatures inten- says Cool. The enamel is probably
sify the tooth damage. And if youre the hardest tissue in our bodies, but
going to drink the acidic beverage, when theres chronic wear and tear,
Cool suggests having a drink of plain, theres an increased chance that it
ordinary water soon afterwards. can flatten the contours of the teeth.
Sometimes the wear is severe enough
5. CHEWING ON ICE to change the way the bite fits to-
Ice is free of calories and sugar, will gether, triggering pain in jaw muscles.
cool you down on a hot day, is usu- She says ice can be nice, but only if
ally pH-neutral and wont stick to you let it melt in your mouth.
your teeth. Isnt crunching ice much
more wholesome, therefore, than 6. SIPPING WINE SLOWLY
chewing on candy? Turns out it has Its true that alcohol in moderation
its downsides. Ice is very hard, says may offer benefits, including reduc-
Dr. Hendrike van Drie, a periodontist ing the risk of diabetes, heart attack
in Maastricht, the Netherlands, and or stroke. Red wine, in particular, con-
chair of the oral-health working group tains compounds that seem to raise
at the Council of European Dentists. good cholesterol and boost your heart
Chewing on it damages teeth by caus- health. But if spreading out your drink-
ing cracks and fractures in enamel and ing means youre nursing a single glass

58 | 04 2017 | rd.ca
 of wine for two hours, your teeth are such as the World Health Organiza-
being constantly compromised. tion, Health Canada and the Centers
Its similar to the problem with for Disease Control and Prevention.
lemon water. Sipping wine means Its well proven to reduce tooth decay
an exposure to acid every time a sip is in both children and adults; its cost-
taken, van Drie says. Thats not to say effective; and its safe (levels are low
you should chug-a-lug, but do drink and monitored, and its impossible to
water when youre having a glass of drink enough tap water to reach fluo-
wine, or nibble on a piece of cheese to ride toxicity).
buffer the acid. And note that not all Currently, around 37 per cent of
wines pose the same problems for your Canadians have access to fluoride
teeth. White wine has a higher pH in their tap water. Even though not
and causes more and faster damage, everyone takes advantage of it, we all
says van Drie. On the other hand, red stand to benefit, says Swan. When
can stain your pearly whites. Thinking you drink fluoridated water, it gets
of switching to Perrier instead? Spark- into your system, so your saliva has
ling water is also acidic and can harm a low level of fluoride in it thats con-
teeth when drunk constantly. stantly benefiting your teeth. Its
especially protective for
7. OPTING FOR older people with exposed
SPRING WATER root surface thats more vul-
According to Statistics Can- nerable to decay.
ada, approximately one in Try to drink at least some
five Canadian households tap water every dayyou
turns to bottles instead of taps as can use filters, as long as
the main source of drinking water. theyre not the type that
Certainly, water is a much better removes fluoride. Resi-
go-to beverage than sugary pop dents of communities
or juice, but if bottled without fluoridated
spring water is the water can consider
only kind you drink, adding fluoride drops,
you might be miss- available by prescrip-
ing out on a potential tion, to the water. If
25 per cent reduction youre in a rural area,
in tooth decay. have your water tested
MASTERFILE

Fl u o r i d a t e d t a p to find out its mineral

water is endorsed by composition and then
health organizations adjust as needed.

rd.ca | 04 2017 | 59
 As Kids See It

Im hoping that if I can save up all of my allowance,

I can retire right out of high school.

MY 10-YEAR-OLD granddaughter, PERPETUAL REJECTION

Campbell, had a very sore throat. Apparently I pack an apple in my
I texted her and asked if she had five-year-olds lunch so it can get
lozenges. She texted back, No, the out of the house for a few hours.
doctor said I probably have the strep @BRIANHOPECOMEDY
throat thats been going around at
school. JOANNE RYAN, S e a f o r t h , O n t . CREATIVE NON-FICTION
The students in my class were asked
SENSES SENSIBILITY to write about the harmful environ-
One day when my brother, Andy, mental effects of oil on fish. One
was four, my mother flipped on her 11-year-old wrote, When my mom
turn signal as she was driving us to opened a tin of sardines last night, it
school. Mommy, whats that ticking was full of oil and all the sardines
sound? my brother asked from the were dead. gophercentral.com

back seat. She smiled into the rear-

view mirror and said, Thats so other SCATHING REVIEW
CONA N D E VRIES

cars know Im planning to turn. ME: *singing along with the radio*
But Mommy, Andy said, I dont THREE-YEAR-OLD: Why dont you
think the other cars can hear it! let it sing all by itself?
GWEN HILL, S a a n i c h t o n , B . C . @TOASTYGIRAFFE

60 | 04 2017 | rd.ca
FAMILY TIES
My five-year-old grandson was
AND ONE FOR THE KIDS
growing frustrated with his little
sister, Nora, and was complaining Q: Why did the chicken cross
about it. I jokingly proposed, How the playground?
about we take Nora outside and A: To get to the other slide.
leave her on a chair with a big reddit.com

sign that says Will trade for two

kittens?
PATIENCE-TESTING TOTS
My grandson pondered the idea
My toddler woke up upset because
for a while.
he couldnt find his glasses. But
Grandma, he finally said, we
what really set him off was when
cant do that.
I told him he doesnt even wear
I was touched, thinking he didnt
glasses. @WORKINGMOM86
want to lose his sister.
Why? I asked.
To anyone out there thinking about
His tone serious, he replied,
having kids, my two-year-old threw
Because Daddys allergic to cats.
a temper tantrum because she
EDITH, B o l t o n , O n t .
couldnt get rid of her shadow.
@XPLODINGUNICORN
SOPHISTICATED PALATE
ME: What do you want for lunch?
CANT ARGUE WITH THAT LOGIC
THREE-YEAR-OLD: An apple.
My sons kindergarten class was
ME: What else?
learning about outer space, and
THREE-YEAR-OLD: Leaves.
during playtime, his teacher noticed
@ALEXMCDANIEL
that he was pretending to land on the
sun. She asked if he remembered
WHEN I TURNED 60, my grand-
that the sun is made of hot plasma.
children sang Happy Birthday to
Thats okay, he responded, I
me over FaceTime. My five-year-old
threw water on it first!
granddaughter, Emily, asked how
WENDY MERCIER, P e n t i c t o n , B . C .
old I was, and after I told her, she
seemed momentarily confused.
That must be really old, she said, Are the children you know fluent in
funny? Tell us about them! A story could
because I cant even count that earn you $50. For details on how to
high yet. submit an anecdote, see page 9 or
BRENDA HATCHER, Ma h o n e B a y , N. S . visit rd.ca/joke.

rd.ca | 04 2017 | 61
PERSPECTIVE

The Searcher Group is determined

to prove what half of Canadians
already believe: phantoms are
realand they walk among us

Ghost
Hunters BY E L E NA GRITZ AN
F R OM THE UNITED CHURCH OBSERVER

62 | 04 2017 | rd.ca
The investigators set up video and
audio equipment, hoping to catch
a glimpse of paranormal activity.
READERS DIGEST

THE FIRST THING THE INVESTIGATORS TELL ME when we meet,

just before 2 p.m. on a crisp Saturday in March 2016, is to watch out
for the mean man named Henry on the third floor. Hold on to the
railing when youre on the stairs. We think he might push someone.
Theres something else unusual about Henry: hes dead.

Im standing in the parking lot home page of the buildings website

of the Players Guild of Hamilton, a boasts of rumours of a ghost in the
theatre in Ontario, conferring with costume room.
four paranormal investigators from In his 2013 book, Paranormal
a team called the Searcher Group. Nation: Why America Needs Ghosts,
Peter Roewho sports a fleece jacket UFOs and Bigfoot, writer Marc E.
from the historic witch-hunting city of Fitch argues that the growth of the
Salem, Mass.James McCulloch and Internet and the after-effects of 9/11
the moustached Palmisano brothers have pushed people toward the
Richard and Paul are here to collect paranormal; extraordinary explana-
evidence and learn the histories of the tions for unusual experiences can
ghosts on the property. Based on their lend order to the chaos of an uncer-
visit the previous fall, they think there tain world. Pop culture has seized
are at least four. on this idea. Ghost Hunters, a reality
Staff at the 141-year-old community TV show in which investigators run
theatre, which is believed to be North around supposedly haunted houses
Americas oldest, reached out to Roe in with expensive recording gear and
2015 because they sometimes had the night-vision goggles, aired for 11
sense they werent alone, especially seasons before being cancelled in
on the third floor and in the basement, 2016; total viewership peaked at
where they often work late at night 3.1 million. Countless movies with
organizing props. One volunteer occult and paranormal themes have
PHOTOGRAPHY BY ELEN A GRITZ AN

heard a whisper in her ear as she come to the big screen, and the work
went to lock the front door one even- of Stephen King continues to appear
ing: Help me! Get me out of here! on bestseller lists.
She turned around, expecting to see For many, ghosts are more than
a friend playing a trick on her. There just spooky fiction. A 2007 Ipsos Reid
was no one. poll found that 48 per cent of Cana-
As strange stories continued to dians believe ghosts are real and 10
swirl around the theatre, the haunt- per cent think they are sharing their
ing became part of its mythology. The home with a spirit.

64 | 04 2017 | rd.ca
IM AMONG THE 52 per cent of Cana- front parlour to set up one of two
dians who do not believe in ghosts, cameras that will run all night, while
but Im fascinated by the 48 per cent in the auditorium, Roe and McCull-
who do. Thats how I found myself och start unloading equipment. They
having coffee with Richard Palmi- grab hand-held voice recorders and
sano two months before we convene gaussmeters, which beep and tick in
at the Players Guild. response to electromagnetic fields.
As a child, Richard heard inexplic- Before long, the theatre people who
able sounds in his own west-end were hanging around have left,
Toronto homewhispers, footsteps, and only Carolyn Marshall and her
scraping. I didnt even understand two adult children, Charlotte and
what paranormal was. I just knew Nathan, remain. Theyve all spent
something weird was years in the theatre,
going on, he says. At and the first step in the
that age, I was afraid of investigation is to join
it. Curiosity eventually Can you tell us them on a tour of the
overtook fear: in 1979, your name? building as they answer
at age 18, he decided to Peter Roe asks. questions about what
start the Searcher Group A heartbeat theyve experienced
in an effort to find phys-
passes, then the and where. We switch
ical proof that our souls on our recorders.
exist after death. Rich-
electronic
ard recruited his older
voice: LATER THAT AFTER-
brother Paul, who had Jim. noon, Roe brings
experienced many of Michele Stableford, a
the same strange noises professional medium,
in their childhood home. to the theatre. He met her a few blocks
Today, along with a cast of six vol- away; the address was kept from her
unteers, the Ontario-based group so she couldnt research the house in
responds at no charge to requests advance. She leads us to the basement
from businesses and homeowners, to start searching for spirits.
arriving onsite with aluminum brief- Its dark, the only light coming
cases of equipment, ready to pick up from a door we pass through and a
evidence of spectres. couple of small frosted windows. As
At the Players Guild, Roe pushes I walk past the door, it scrapes shut
the buzzer at the theatres back door, a couple of inches, pushing away
and were ushered into the kitchen. the brick thats keeping it open. I
The Palmisano brothers head to the didnt touch that! Nathan Marshall

rd.ca | 04 2017 | 65
READERS DIGEST

says behind me. I stop. He doesnt In theory, McCulloch says, spirits

want us in here, Stableford says. are supposed to be able to manipu-
Hes very negative. Its like hes still late this device and produce words.
angry that he died. It contains a preset lexiconthe
At about 5 p.m., we decide to break Searcher Groups model has 2,000
for dinner. Even though were head- wordsand takes readings of the sur-
ing out of the building for food, this rounding electromagnetic fields, light
is arguably the most important part and temperature before speaking in a
of the investigation. The video cam- monotonic voice. The responses are
eras and recorders are left running mostly gibberish and seem uncon-
while were gone. Spirits are social, nected to the questions McCulloch
Richard Palmisano says. Theyll talk, and Roe are calling out, answers such
just like you and I talk, and well gain as foliage, factors and lesser. But
lots of information, like names and the men keep asking questions, and
things that are going on. The hope is the Ovilus keeps talking back.
that theyll communicate more freely Can you tell us your name? Roe
when there arent any living intruders asks. A heartbeat passes, then the
among them. electronic voice: Jim. My eyes snap
I leave my recorder behind, too, to a photo of the departed caretaker
placing it in the theatres green room on the wall that shows him turning
on the second floor. Roe suggests sideways to look at the camera as he
resting it on something plasticwe works on one of his paintings. The
choose a black wig in a bagso if it moment of congruence is unnerving.
moves while were gone, Ill hear the It could have been a coincidence
rustling on the tape. As we leave, Roe Jim is one of 74 common names in
shouts from the kitchen: Bye now! the devices vocabulary. We have
to treat data from the Ovilus as very
WE RETURN AT 7 p.m., to a room that suspect because its so random, Roe
was once part of an apartment for the says. Weeks later, when he sends me
theatres caretaker Jim Hamilton, who his final report about the night, the
was also a painter; he died in 2009. Jim moment isnt even mentioned.
Roe, McCulloch and Stableford try to Thats because, to the investigators, a
communicateStableford through name becomes evidence only when
automatic writing, a technique where it comes from at least three sources,
a medium in a trance-like state writes such as a medium, the Ovilus and a
words channelled from a spirit, and recording device.
the investigators with an Ovilus III, a This definition of evidence isnt
black device sitting on the coffee table. the same as a scientific standard of

66 | 04 2017 | rd.ca
 Clockwise from top:
Michele Stableford (left),
Peter Roe (centre) and
James McCulloch; Paul
Palmisano takes aim with
a parabolic microphone;
Roe holds a Spirit Box;
looking for the ghost in
the machines.

proof. Its correlation, not causation, that are repeatable across time by
and relies on methods that arent different researchers with consistent
widely accepted, something Richard results. You cant exactly ask a ghost
Palmisano readily admits. Accord- to participate in a lab test. And the
ing to the laws we use in science, we investigators methodschecking
can never prove that the spirit side for electromagnetic fields, hearing
exists, he says. He sees this as a recorded voices and listening to
problem with science, a field in mediumsdont have any scientific
which its impossible to prove any- basis, just support from other para-
thing without controlled experiments normal believers.

rd.ca | 04 2017 | 67
READERS DIGEST

SETTING THE MISGIVINGS of sci- her name. Whats your name, honey?
ence aside, I shadow the investigators She closes her eyes to concentrate and
as they make their way through the continues to ask questions.
house later that night. In the base- Did someone just come into the
ment prop room, Roe turns on some- room? Stableford asks. Who is
thing called a Spirit Box, a modified he? I look at the page and see her
radio that can supposedly transmit write H-e-n-r-y. Henry, I whisper.
words from ghosts. It erupts with a The writing gets more frantic. I pass
burst of white noise. Whos down the page to McCulloch. Leave this
here with us? What year is it, please? room, he says to the spirit, his voice
Roe asks. Sometimes sounds crackle raised. Stableford spells out N-o.
out, resembling snippets of radio I dont care if your answer is no!
voices, the kind you get says McCulloch. Out!
when you fast-forward Eventually Stableford
through a recording. wr ites He n r y g o n e .
I look around at the There are some When shes done, there
props: shelves of type- sounds on are tears in her eyes.
writers, shiny vases and the recording
even a coffin propped that arent B A C K I N M Y ow n
u p a g a i n s t a w a l l . easily explained, apar tment, I settle
Please use this device, into the real work of a
if you can, to give us
like a female paranormal investiga-
a message, Roe con-
voice calling tor: listening, waiting,
tinues. Do you under- out Elena. documenting. I have
stand? A blip of sound e i g ht h o u r s o n my
that could be yes voice recorder to get
emerges, but we give up when not through. What Im looking for are
much else comes through. electronic voice phenomena (EVP),
I follow McCulloch and Stableford or the speech of the dead. Theres
up to the third floor to try automatic one moment in my entire record-
writing again. Stableford has a stack ing, from our dinner break, that Im
of white paper and a pen, and Im confident is a voice: a man shouting
kneeling beside her; its my job to a two-syllable word about three min-
change the pages whenever her con- utes after we leave the theatre. But,
tinuous hand motions stop or reach I tell myself, it could be someone on
the bottom. the street outside.
Theres a little girl, Stableford A few other sounds could be whis-
says. I want to see if shell give me pers, but thats a stretch. I ignore

68 | 04 2017 | rd.ca
them, and science is on my side the last recorder, a whisper: Were
here. Humans are susceptible to all dead.
pareidoliainfusing meaning into a
set of random sensory cues. Its why LATER THAT SPRING, I head to
we find shapes in clouds or the face Torontos waterfront after Roe ends
of Jesus in toast. Researchers have his day spent working as a childrens
found that those who believe in the television animator. Ive come to his
paranormal are more likely to hear a office to discuss our results. His notes
voice when listening to an ambigu- are organized, with names bolded
ous recording. So are people who are and dialogue indented. Red text
thinking about ghosts, whether they signals potential EVP, green for items
imagine they exist or not. that merit follow-up.
R i c h a rd Pa l m i s a n o b e l i e v e s There are some sounds that arent
those recordings are anything but easily explained. In Roes recording
ambiguous. To him, theyre ghosts of the Spirit Box session, for example,
communicating at a frequenc y he heard a female voice calling out
lower than the bottom limit of Elena. It gave me chills, he says.
human hearing. Paranormal inves- I put on headphones to listen. Is
tigators recording devices are set there someone named Henry hang-
to capture low-frequency sounds, ing around upstairs? Roe asks on the
which are pitch-shifted up on play- tape as I follow along with the tran-
back. Apparently, the investigators script. A deep voice sounds like it
equipment picked up several vocal- says, Well, certainly is. Another
izations in the theatre that night. spits out an angry expletive. And then
When Richard entered a room I hear ita third, higher-pitched, that
alone, the video camera caught a says Elena! I know what I know
voice saying, Hes still here. And about pareidolia and expectation, but
as we packed up at the end of the I cant un-hear itit sounds like my
night, right before shutting off name. I get chills, too.

2016, ELENA GRITZAN. FROM GHOST WHISPERERS, THE UNITED CHURCH OBSERVER (OCTOBER 2016). UCOBSERVER.ORG

INTERNAL AFFAIRS

Never argue with a doctor; they have inside information.

BOB ELLIOTT AND RAY GOULDING, comedy duo

rd.ca | 04 2017 | 69
 Can you teach a person to be funny?

Humour
Me BY PAS H A M ALLA
ILLUSTRATION BY AUDREY MALO
 LIFE LESSON

A FEW YEARS AGO, I invited eight entertainment came from the absur-
friends to perform a night of stand- dity of the whole enterprise, with a
up comedy at my house. None of microphone stand spotlit at one end
them was a professional comedian, of my living room and my dog mean-
nor had any of them tried such a dering through the crowd.
thing before. But it was my birth- Theres a huge difference, of
day, and what better present than course, between shared laughter
the gift of laughteror at least the among friends and the exacting
mild humiliation of my closest pals? routines of professional comedy:
The more ambitious of the would-be one of them relies on comfort and
performers were anxious to test their familiarity, and the other, at its best,
comic mettle before a live audience, cleverly upends those things. In the
while others accepted the assign- 2011 HBO special Talking Funny,
ment with reservations. Im more after Ricky Gervais suggests anyone
sit-down funny than stand-up funny, can be funny, Jerry Seinfeld coun-
one of them claimedwhich, I told ters, They cant do it as well.
him, is a funny thing to say. Were pros, adds Louis C.K.
Stand-up comedy, of course, is a Chris Rock takes it a step further:
profession like any other, and any- Were drugs, in a sense.
one who makes a regular go of it can But can hallucinogen-level hilari-
speak to the highly refined levels of ousness be learned, or is it limited
craft, practice, dedication and resili- to those born that way? Etan Mus-
ence vital to honing a live act. So, kat, an alumnus of Torontos Second
while my eight friends are socially City Mainstage, the famed venue
amusing, their sets were more fun that helped launch the careers of
than funny, and most of the nights Dan Aykroyd, Catherine OHara and

rd.ca | 04 2017 | 71
READERS DIGEST

Mike Myers, leads improv workshops fundamentals of the craft, she also
at Bad Dog Theatre Company to help stresses the need for audience
performers harness their inner enter- members to identify with the per-
tainer. But Muskats process involves former, understand whats at stake
more than simply teasing out zingers and hope for them to succeed. That
and slapstick. human connection is something
Funny is just a piece of the puz- anyone can foster through a willing-
zle, he explains. I encourage peo- ness to make themselves vulnerable
ple to be present and connected, to and work through self-discovery as
live in character (even if that char- kids do: by way of play.
acter is themselves) and to be spon- For Terry Fallis, whose novels
taneous. Sometimes that results in have twice won the Stephen Leacock
hilarity, but sometimes other emo- Award for Humour, being funny
tions come out. involves a similar balance between
craft and instinct. In his humour-
FIND YOUR INNER KID writing class at the University of
Jan Henderson, one of Canadas Toronto School of Continuing Stud-
leading clown instructors, agrees ies, he examines satire, word play
that comedy can create a path and irony, but Fallis is also wary of
to and out of sadness, anger and digging too deeply into whats funny
frustration. Henderson teaches at and why. Its kind of like dissecting
MacEwan University and the Uni- a frog, he says. Yes, we learn about
versity of Alberta, and also leads the frog, but it usually dies in the
independent workshops through process. Sometimes analyzing funny
her company, Fool Moon Produc- writing too much ends up killing
tions. Being funny seems to be less the humour.
the point of her pedagogy than a So whether youre onstage or
fortunate by-product: I teach peo- holding court at the family dinner
ple to investigate their inner child, table, accessing your inner come-
their inner foolthe part of them dian relies a lot on intuition, and
that lives in the moment, accepts that begins with really knowing
all of its thoughts and feelings, isnt yourself. But Henderson also warns
focused on the future and doesnt of a critical difference between self-
worry about the past. awareness and self-consciousness.
While Henderson acknowledges Never try to be funny, she advises.
technique is an essential aspect of Im teaching people to contact
her profession, and her students something that already exists in
are rigorously instructed in the them and let it out.

72 | 04 2017 | rd.ca
KNOW YOUR AUDIENCE places, though theres light at the end
So what do these three teachers think of that tunnel, too: The more we can
is the key to comedic success? Cer- laugh at the pain, the more we disem-
tainly, some people are just innately power the pain. If youre truly laugh-
gifted humourists, as others are skilled ing, youre not afraid of the thing
at rock climbing or macram. You youre laughing at.
can definitely spot when someone has And using humour therapeutically
that special sparkle or charm, says doesnt require full clown regalia to be
Muskat. But for those less naturally a significant part of your life. Being
inclined, he adds, There are a lot of funny isnt just about the approval
skills that can help a comedian grow. attendant to making someone laugh;
Fallis offers some it can also help guide us
useful tips: Less is through difficult per-
more. If you have to sonal experiences.
explain why its funny, THE BEST Comedians are at
its probably not very COMEDIANS their best when their
funny. And understand ARTICULATE material feels at once
your audience. OR ADMIT brave, surprising and
That last piece of THINGS WEVE honest, and the best
advice is critical. Theres BEEN UNABLE of the bunch are those
an element of empathy OR UNWILLING who admit or articu-
involved in all comedy, late things weve been
TO SAY
of isolating something unable or unwilling to
essential that speaks
OURSELVES. say ourselves. But, as
to a shared experience, Fallis warns, Humour
and then expressing it is not always a conse-
in some surprising way. Think about quence-free exercise.
the last time you were able to make After all, comedy is also that rare
someone laughchances are that thing with an inbuilt gauge of suc-
whatever you said articulated some- cess: either people laugh or they
thing known but unspoken between dont. Whether youre hoping to
you and your audience. headline Madison Square Garden or
Muskat evokes an old maxim: Tell just be the life of the office party,
the truth. Henderson agrees: one of part of learning to be funnier is
the pillars on which she builds her accepting a failed joke, figuring out
routines is the revelation of truth. where you went wrong, digging a
She stresses that searching out that little deeper and deciding to risk
truth often requires going to dark trying again.

rd.ca | 04 2017 | 73
PROFILE

Chick Webster, 96, may be the oldest living former

NHLer, but in his hometown hes known as the
wisecracker who remembers everyones name.

A
Quiet
Player
BY C UR T I S R U S H
FROM TH E N EW YO RK TIME S

MATTAWA, ONT., A LOGGING town rivers, providing sweeping views of

300 kilometres northwest of Ottawa, the Upper Laurentian Mountains.
along the Quebec border, is the per- The solitude suited John Websters
fect hiding place for a former NHL humble, shy nature perfectly when
player who does not want attention. he moved here in 1969.
A town of about 2,000, this north- The towns biggest draw is Big Joe
ern outpost, once an important trans- Mufferaw, the French-Canadian folk
IAN WILLM S

portation corridor for fur-trading hero who many think was modelled
voyageurs, is tucked away at the con- after a real person, a river driver in
fluence of the Ottawa and Mattawa the 1800s by the name of Joseph

74 | 04 2017 | rd.ca
Chick Webster, in a
Rangers alumni jacket,
at home in Mattawa, Ont.
READERS DIGEST

Montferrand. Visitors take pictures had seven goals and 13 points in the
of the wooden sculpture depicting 194344 season. He also played several
Mufferaw, a logging giant who was years in the minors before dying of a
immortalized in a Stompin Tom brain tumour in 1978, at age 53.
Connors song and was thought to be
the inspiration behind Paul Bunyan.
Outsiders had no idea about Web-
ster, known as Chick. WHEREVER HE
He was mostly unknown until GOES, WHETHER ITS
former Boston Bruins great Milt THE POST OFFICE OR
Schmidt died on January 4 at the age THE ARENA, WEBSTER
of 98, leaving Chick in the spotlight. KNOWS EVERYONE
Now Webster, who turned 96 on
BY NAME.
November 3, 2016, is thought to be
the oldest living former NHL player
and that has made him something of
a celebrity. AS UNREMARKABLE AS Chick Web-
ster was on the ice, he is a beloved
SUDDENLY, PHONE CALLS came in, figure in town. Everyone calls him
and newspapers and radio stations Chick, a name given to him for his
wanted interviews, as if Webster had love of chewing Chiclets gum.
done something special. Hes still vibrant, said Jacques
Although quite a stickhandler Bgin, the recreation director at the
in his day, Webster will never be local arena. Hes always been a com-
remembered for what he did on the munity supporter. Ive never seen him
ice. He had an undistinguished career angry. He has a good air about him.
with the New York Rangers, playing Wherever he goes, whether its to
just 14 games in the 194950 season. the post office, the hardware store
He scored no goals. He collected no or the arena, Webster knows every-
assists. His only statistical marker in one by name, and everyones fam-
the NHL is that he tallied four minutes ily members, too. People are often
in penalties. A broken hand ended rewarded with a wisecrack, most
his chances with the Rangers. He fin- often directed at himself.
ished out his career in the minors and Gerry Belanger, a local gas station
retired after the 195253 season. attendant, told of an encounter sev-
Websters younger brother, Don, had eral years ago, when Webster came
marginally more success. He played in with muffler problems and was
27 games with the Maple Leafs and offered a lifetime warranty.

76 | 04 2017 | rd.ca
 (Left to right) Webster playing with the New York Rangers during the 194950
season; a cane fashioned by Websters son Rob from a hockey stick sits unused.

Why would I do that? I dont even good health and betrays few signs
buy green bananas at my age, Web- of his age, with a crown of luxurious
ster joked. silver hair and none of the visible
At five feet eight inches tall and 172 facial scars that can be telltale mark-
pounds, Webster would never meas- ers of former hockey players.
ure up to Big Joe in height. But he has He usually walks without a cane,
(WEBSTER) COURTESY ROBERT WEBSTER

one advantage: hes still in one piece. although his son Rob, 68, fashioned
The huge wooden carving of Big Joe one in the form of a hockey stick.
fell apart recently, and a local artist, Hes very stubborn and wants no
Clermont Duval, has been commis- help at all, Rob said.
sioned to build a new, longer-lasting Webster takes one pill a day to con-
one. Its Webster, though, whom Duval trol his blood pressure. He doesnt
called a force of nature. smoke and isnt much of a drinker.
He fixes oatmeal every morning. He
ALTHOUGH WEBSTER IS hard of rarely takes naps. He goes to bed late
hearing now and has occasional and gets up late. Asked why he isnt
back problems, hes in relatively an early riser like a lot of seniors,

rd.ca | 04 2017 | 77
READERS DIGEST

Webster quipped, Whats the point? including going out with teammates
Rob broke out in laughter. to nightclubs such as the China Doll.
Longevity can also be a curse. You Broadway was just about a block
have to bury loved ones. away from where we stayed, Web-
One of his five children, a son, was ster said. That was a big deal. It was
killed at 27, and his wife, Leona, died a great town then.
in 2009 of Alzheimers disease. Web- It was a different time for the NHL,
ster was devastated. Residents spot- too. The league had six teams; the
ted him driving aimlessly around players all still wore wool jerseys; and
town late at night. Leona is buried they mainly travelled by train.
nearby, and he would visit her every
night until last fall, when he was still WEBSTER DIDNT START out as
allowed to drive. a small-town guy. He grew up in
Music lifts his spirits; he learned to Toronto, played in the minors and
play the piano as a youngster. There was spotted by a talent scout. In 1940,
is a keyboard in his house, and he he attended training camp with the
plays the 1948 Doris Day hit Its Bruins, where he met Schmidt. At age
Magic with aplomb. 23, Webster went overseas to serve in
World War II, came back in his mid-
20s and thought he was too old for
hockey. In 1946, he married Leona. He
WEBSTER USES WIT didnt join the Rangers until he was 29.
TO DEAL WITH LIFE. After his hockey career, he worked
A SIGN AT HIS FRONT awhile at the de Havilland Aircraft
DOOR READS: FRIENDS Company in Toronto, then retired
WELCOME. RELATIVES in Mattawa, where his wifes parents
BY APPOINTMENT ONLY. were based.
If Webster seems ageless, it may
be because time seems to stop in
WEBSTER HAS FOND memories of his this town. The arena has the feel of
fellow players, but he doesnt like to an old barn, and some establish-
talk about Rangers management too ments appear as if they have not
much because, he said, they didnt updated their decor since 1950. In the
treat him very well. When he broke his late afternoon, Main Street achieves
hand, they sent him down to the farm a haunting effect as it empties, and
team in New Haven, at lower pay, and large, wooden statues outside many
never called him back. But he enjoyed shops are silhouetted in the dark-
several aspects of life in New York, ness. These statues commemorate

78 | 04 2017 | rd.ca
An autographed photo of Webster hangs over a counter at a Mattawa gas station.

the Aboriginal people and explorers THIS TOWN HONOURS its heroes in
who paddled through here, includ- wood, concrete and brass. The arena
ing 17th-century explorer Samuel de is named after NHL referee and foot-
Champlain. Stores close early, and ball coach Mike Rodden, a member of
there are no taverns to speak of, or both the Hockey Hall of Fame and the
pool halls. Canadian Football Hall of Fame who
I miss playing pool, said Webster, was also a long-time sports journalist.
who used to be a member of a now- Websters imprint is much smaller.
defunct local league. Instead, I go Theres a hockey trophy named the
down to the rink and watch the kids Chick Webster Award, created three
play hockey now and then. years ago to honour a career player
For excitement at night, a half- in the Mattawa minor hockey system
dozen regulars, including Webster, who has demonstrated leadership
sit around the dining room counter and respect.
at Valois Motel & Restaurant, joking The first winner was Nicholas
around and guffawing. When it closes Dimick, who received the prize at the
at 9 p.m., they sometimes drift over to end of his career in the minors. As it
the local Tim Hortons. happens, he was at the arena on a

rd.ca | 04 2017 | 79
READERS DIGEST

recent day when Webster made a down to the station every couple of
visit. It was Dimicks first day on the days, either by taxi or by getting a lift
job as a Zamboni driver. from a friend.
When he learned that Webster had Webster will not let the cynicism of
commented on how nice the ice sur- old age creep into his soul. He likes to
face looked, Dimick began to grin deal with life with grace, humour and
from ear to ear. Then he hid it. wit. At the front door of his home, a
In Mattawa, you cant get too full sign reads: Friends welcome. Rela-
of yourself, even if your name is tives by appointment only.
Chick Webster. Webster doesnt think of himself
as special just because he has lived
INSIDE MR. GAS, a filling station on so long and happened to play in the
the Trans-Canada Highway heading NHL. He admitted to being so nervous
out of town, a small portrait of Web- about the interview for this article that
ster in his Rangers uniform is pinned he couldnt sleep the night before.
up behind the cash register. Webster There will never be Chick stories to
autographed it for the stations owner match those of Mufferaw, a brawler
and operator, Corey Lacelle, who of legendary strength. At 96, Webster
hung it over a counter stocked with is a fighter of a different sort.
pain relievers and disposable lighters. His real story is about longevity,
This winter, the town has been cov- not hockey, Websters son Rob said.
ered with snow. Although he doesnt Hockey was just something he was
drive anymore, Webster still gets lucky enough to be a part of.

THE NEW YORK TIMES (JANUARY 23, 2017), 2017 FROM THE NEW YORK TIMES, CO., NYTIMES.COM

HERES THE FORMULA!

Three mathematical equations that explain some of lifes conundrums.

WHAT I THINK HAPPENED

TRUTH =
WHAT REALLY HAPPENED

CREDIT CARD = I CANT AFFORD IT I CANT AFFORD IT

CARJACKING = CAN I BORROW YOUR CAR? NO, YOU CANT

Source: Craig K. Damrauer on assortedbitsofwisdom.com

80 | 04 2017 | rd.ca
 Lifes Like That
WHAT WERE YOU TRYING TO MAKE, AGAIN?
Craft sites make it look so simple, but these epic fails show otherwise.

Heart-shaped wreath Melted-crayon Angry Bird pizza

canvas rainbow
What you want
it to look like
What it really
looks like
F ROM CRAFTFAIL BY HEATHER MA NN (WORKM AN PUBLI SHI NG)

COULD YOU BE MORE SPECIFIC? GUESS WHO?

The stand that holds my husbands WHAT THEY SAY: Hi, Im Brandon.
prized samurai swords was dusty, This is Liz and Steven.
so he left our housecleaner a note WHAT I REMEMBER: Hi, Im BLERP-
reading Check out my swords. BLAP. This is GLAUNGH and CRAIG,
That evening, he found the stand or maybe GREG. @ARIELDUMAS
just as dirty as before but with this
added message: Nice swords. SHORT AND SWEET
gophercentral.com Its called celery because cold, wet
plant bones takes too long to say.
SIMPLE SOLUTIONS @CURLYCOMEDY
A few days ago, my husband told me
he was tired. Send us your original jokes! They could
I replied, Theres a nap for that. be worth $50. See page 9 or visit
JUDITH MATHON, Ke l o w n a , B . C . rd.ca/joke for more details.

rd.ca | 04 2017 | 81
RD VAULT

A long-cherished photograph unlocks a

wartime mystery that binds two families

Anna,
1925 BY M IC H AE L R. GEISTERFER
F R OM R E A DE R S DI GE ST, M A R C H 2 0 04

I WAS READING the newspaper in A tingle went down my spine.

Gatineau, Que., on January 23, 2001, Thats where my mother was born in
when I spotted an article entitled 41 January 1933, way up in the north-
Things to Do This Winter. I looked at ern part of Holland. And her mother,
No. 12: Find your mothers home- too. My other grandmother was
town in an atlas, and then find your born just under 60 kilometres away,
grandmothers was the suggestion. By in Grningentoo far afield to fit
way of illustration, it included a small within this maps borders. Though
map of a foreign country with strange, the coincidence was striking, it was
barely pronounceable names. In the nothing compared to the way in which
middle was a city called Leeuwarden. the lives of my two grandmothers had

82 | 04 2017 | rd.ca
(BACKGROUN D I MAGE) MASTERFI LE;
(PHOTOGRA PH) COURTESY OF M ICHAEL R. GEI STERF ER
READERS DIGEST

intertwinedeven after one of them write often and would return if things
passed away. didnt work out, but my grandmother
Long before my maternal grandma, never heard from her again.
Oma Jantje, even became a mother, Oma Jantje pasted Annas photo-
her best friend, Anna Drexhage, pre- graph into an album. In 1952, she
sented her with a recent photograph. placed that album in a box that she
It was of Anna, then 27, perched on took along on her own train ride to
the veranda of her home and smiling Amsterdam, where she and her fam-
enigmatically at the person taking the ily boarded a steamer for Canada. A
photo, whose shadow can be seen few weeks later, another train took
in the foreground. On the back was them across Canada to Edmonton,
written Anna, 1925. a city in the rolling hills of Alberta.
There my grandmother unpacked the
album and placed it on a bookshelf
where it remained until 1983, when
IF ANNA MISSED my father took it down and began
HOLLAND, SHE NEVER flipping through its pages.
LET ON. INSTEAD, Thats when my grandmother
SHE DIRECTED HER learned what had become of Anna.
ENERGY INTO STARTING
A FAMILY. WHAT HAPPENED WAS this: Anna
had taken the steamship to Batavia
to marry a man she had never met
Why are you giving me this an expatriate Dutch widower named
photograph? Oma Jantje, who was Johannes Geisterfer whod seen her
19, asked. photograph (the same one shed given
Because I am going far away, Oma Jantje) on the mantelpiece of a
Anna replied. You may never see friend, who was married to Annas
me again. sister. Taken by her beauty, he wrote
A few weeks later Anna packed her her a letter asking her on a transcon-
belongings into a trunk, took a train tinental date. The terms were simple:
to Amsterdam and then boarded he would pay her passage to Batavia if
a steamer for Batavia (the area we she would at least consider marrying
now call Jakarta) in the Dutch East him. If, in the end, she chose not to,
Indies. This was long before the he would pay her passage home.
country declared independence When Anna stepped off the boat
and became known as Indonesia. in Semarang, she was met by a tall,
She assured Oma Jantje she would robust man in his early 30s with a

84 | 04 2017 | rd.ca
 blond moustache and round spec-
tacles that framed eyes so sad and
intense and blue that she knew at
once she would marry him. While
Anna was a practical woman, she
had an unusually large heart. After a
time, she agreed to be his wife.
A wealthy widower, Johannes was
part of the Dutch elite whod ruled the
Indonesian archipelago for nearly 300
years. He oversaw a number of thriving
businesses in the town of Malang, on
the island of Java, and lived on a large
estate with servants, gardeners and
cooks. He was a successful and well-
respected man, yet neither of these Oma Jantje at age 19 in Holland, before
things was what appealed to Anna. she got married and had children.
She was drawn to the air of sor-
row that hovered around Johannes. In the weeks following the inva-
He may have possessed all the trap- sion, Johannes disappeared, never
pings of success, but he harboured to be seen or heard from again.
a tragic secret. Abandoned at birth, Soon after that, Anna, then 44, and
Johannes had grown up in a large the children, who ranged in age
orphanage in Amsterdam. from six to 16, were rounded up.
If Anna missed Holland, she Within days, they went from their
never let on. Instead, she directed comfortable life in Malang to being
her energy into starting a family imprisoned in an overcrowded deten-
with Johannes. They had six chil- tion centre in the region.
COURTESY OF MI CHAEL R. GEISTERF ER

drenone girl and five boys. Each Over time, families got separated
had fair hair and blue eyes, just like men to one camp, women to another.
their parents. Anna was shipped to a sprawling
camp on the coast, near Semarang.
IN 1942 JAPAN invaded the Dutch Her daughter and two youngest
East Indies and overthrew the Dutch sons went with her. The other three
colonial government. Residents who boys were sent to a mens camp five
appeared to be of purely northern kilo metres away, as was the rule
European descent were rounded up for any males over 12. Sometimes,
and interned in concentration camps. when they were all out working in

rd.ca | 04 2017 | 85
READERS DIGEST

the fields, which adjoined both facil- their trauma. They focused on figur-
ities, they would wave at one another ing out how to survive in this foreign
through the haze of the hot sun. Often land, where they were cared for by
Anna assumed that it was simply a members of Annas family. At 19, four
mirage, a dream, that these were not years after he arrived in Holland, Aren
her sons and she would awaken back began to make his living as a freelance
in her bed in Holland. She never did. photographer. Peering through the
In August 1945, just days before viewfinder of his camera felt like a safe
Allied troops liberated the camps, way to look at the world, as though the
Anna Drexhage died of starvation in lenses filtered out pain.
that facility near Semarang. Her ration
of rice and water, she had reasoned,
should be used to nourish her young
childrens bodies, rather than her own. MY GRANDMOTHER
All her children survivedalthough WAS UNABLE TO
one just barely. The third youngest, COMPREHEND THIS
Aren, was a thin, scraggly boy whod INCREDIBLE TWIST OF
been sickly since he was a child. FATE. TEARS WELLED
Asthma attacks had nearly felled him IN HER EYES.
so often that everyone assumed he
would be among the first to die in
the camps.
But he lived. When Annas children IN 1952, FED up with Holland, Aren
were deported after the war, he was a took the train to Amsterdam and
scarecrow. They landed in a refugee hopped a steamship bound for Hali-
camp in Ceylon (now Sri Lanka) and fax. He would have gone back to
were shipped off to Holland. Indonesia, but he knew the familiar
German occupation of the Neth- sights and sounds would unleash
erlands had resulted in severe food painful emotions. From Halifax he
shortages, and people were dying in travelled by rail to Edmonton, where,
the streets; the Dutch were dealing lonely and isolated, he sought ref-
with their own personal hell, and few uge among a ragged enclave of poor
were prepared to listen to the travails Dutch immigrants. He began attend-
of a few orphans from Indonesia. At ing their Sunday morning church ser-
least it was warm where you were, vices, sitting in the back row.
they said. In Amsterdam, people It was there that one of the church
were freezing in the streets. Annas matriarchs, a small, thin woman with
children quickly learned not to discuss long, lustrous hair tied up in a bun,

86 | 04 2017 | rd.ca
first laid eyes on him. She did not that is, until 1983, when he pulled it
know who he was, only that he was down and began leafing through the
a photographer. With six children pages. Thats when he came across
three of them girlsapproaching the faded photograph of the young
marrying age, she would probably be woman on the veranda.
requiring his services. Why dont you Hey, he said. Thats my mother!
invite him over for coffee? she prod- No, it isnt, my grandmother, Ame-
ded her eldest daughter, 22-year-old lias mother, laughed. Thats my friend
Affina. But Affina was not interested Anna, who went to Indonesia in 1925. I
in this reclusive young man, whose never heard from her again. Look, she
hollow eyes and diffident nature kept said, pulling the photograph off the
most people at a distance. page and turning it over. Sure enough,
Her younger sister Amelia, though, there in still-legible handwriting were
was intrigued by Aren and extended the words Anna, 1925.
an invitation. With her charming smile Thats my mother, he repeated.
and rapier wit, the 20-year-old was Anna Drexhage.
the perfect antidote to his unremit- Oma Jantje stared at him, unable to
ting loneliness, and he soon became a comprehend this incredible twist of
regular fixture at the familys Sunday fate. Then tears welled in her eyes.
morning coffee klatches. At first Ame- Shed always wondered what had
lia thought Aren was interested in her become of her dear friend. Her sorrow
older sister, but she was wrong. at hearing the awful truth from Aren
They began dating, and in three was tempered by a sense of wonder:
years time, they married. A year later, Annas orphan was now Oma Jantjes
they had a child, the first of eight. I son-in-law. That relationship, she
was the third. believed, was not just coincidence, but
Of all the times my father drank forged by the mysterious winds of des-
coffee in the dark salon of Amelias tiny. Through this next generation, she
parental home, he never noticed the could honour the strength of the con-
photo album sitting on the book- nection between two young women,
shelf above the tea cabinet. Never, forged decades earlier in Holland.

THE NAME GAME

What idiot called it a sun instead of a space heater?

SAM GRITTNER, comedian

rd.ca | 04 2017 | 87
DEPARTMENT OF WIT

Giving the family

cottage a new coat
of paint proves
surprisingly difficult

Colour
WARS BY PAUL BE NE D E TTI
F R OM YO U C AN H AV E A DO G W H E N I M DE A D
ILLUSTRATIONS BY MARC JOHNS
WE DECIDED TO paint the cottage To maintain some semblance
this past summer. of masculinity, I would occasion-
I know. On the face of it, that ally interject such comments (in a
sounds like a pretty simple idea. deep voice) as, Well, I INSIST on
Buy paint. Buy brushes. Paint walls or Im not paying, or, if Id
inside of cottage. been drinking, Oh, listen to you,
It involves absolutely no technical Mr. Sixteen-Inch-Joists-this and Mr.
skill and no required contact with Poured-Concrete-Footings-that. But
machinery that has moving parts. In how would you do in an arm wrestle,
other words, it seems like the perfect eh? I ask you that!
job for me. And because there would After this, my wife would walk me
be no one there to oversee the project, down the hall and put me to bed and
it was also an ideal set-up for unlim- construction would resume.
ited coffee breaks and occasional naps
(to allow things to dry, of course).
But all of that is predicated on the
assumption that you actually buy BEIGE IS NEVER
the paint. And that is based on the
JUST CALLED BEIGE.
idea that the members of your fam-
ily can actually agree on the colour
NO, ITS GOT NAMES
of the paint. This has turned out to be
LIKE BARNACLE
only slightly more complicated than AND THATCH AND
manned space flight. PELEE ISLAND.
Part of the problem is the simple
fact of multiple owners. This was not
an issue in 1998, when we rebuilt THE PROBLEM WITH painting a
the old cottage on Lake Erie with my space is that everyone, and I mean
wifes sister, Brenda, and her hus- ever yonekids, grandparents,
band, Woody. It wasnt a problem petshas an opinion about colour.
because what I knew about building Not surprisingly, to preserve sanity
a new cottage could fit onto one side and marriages, the cottage was what
of a Smartie, with room left for a map I like to call Compromise Beige, the
of the world. So, wisely, I just said, universal paint shade of anyone who
Woody, you build it. has given up on the Colour War.

rd.ca | 04 2017 | 89
READERS DIGEST

Of course, this hue is never called went on longer than the painting of
beige. Oh, noits got names like the Sistine Chapel.
(and I am not making these up) Bar- We considered colours with names
nacle and Thatch and Louisbourg like (and again, I am not making this
and Pelee Island and Secord and up, though I wish I was) Girls Rule,
Fieldstone and Galloway. Meet for Drinks and Skinny Jeans.
How do they come up with this Just try going into Home Depot
stuff? Are there people sitting around and asking the big guy in the paint
in a room all day staring at a square department to mix you up a can of
of beige paint and yelling out ran- Angel Wings or Dreams Come True.
dom words? So, after much wrangling, several
Anyway, after 10 years of beige, the threats to call in the designer, and
first thing we wanted was to, as my at least one arm wrestle, we decided
wife kept saying, shake things up a on a colour called Clam Shell for the
bit. And by this she means painting walls and one called Elephant for
the walls a colour that would keep the doors.
a blind man up at night. Of course, These are, to the naked, non-
this was better than the fateful words professional persons eye, Grey and
that would change everything: Paul, Slightly Darker Grey. In fact, now that
dont you think babies are soooooo I look at the walls, the colour is a lot
cute? Sorry, I mean, Maybe we like, well, beige.
should hire a designer. I like it.
Oddly, considering the cost of rais-
ing a child todaywith their ridicu-
lous demands for things like iPhones
and, you know, foodthe second sen-
tence is the one that leads down a path
paved with money. So, I quietly sug-
gested this was not a good idea. I think
my exact words were, Oh, for Gods
sake, its a cottage on Lake Erie! Whom
are we trying to impress? Manny, the
guy who comes to pump out the septic
tank? Or words to that effect.
Anyway, we agreed to choose the
colours on our own, a process that
2017 BY PAUL BENEDETTI. FROM YOU CAN HAVE A DOG WHEN IM DEAD: ESSAYS ON LIFE AT AN ANGLE, WITH THE PERMISSION OF
DUNDURN PRESS LIMITED; DUNDURN.COM. ORIGINALLY PUBLISHED IN THE HAMILTON SPECTATOR.

90 | 04 2017 | rd.ca
 Laughter
THE BEST MEDICINE

CODE OF ETHICS
Im against animal testing, unless, of
THE BEST JOKE course, youre testing little top hats
I EVER TOLD and miniature sunglasses.
BY ED HILL JULIEANNE SMOLINSKI, w r i t e r

My doctor told me that I need to

NUMBERS GAME
exercise in the morning. So I told
myself I need a new doctor. A woman meant to call a record
store but dialed the wrong number
Find Ed Hills tour dates online at and got a private home instead.
kingedhill.com or listen to his
podcast at sonofsmiley.com.
Do you have Eyes of Blue and A
Love Supreme? she asked.
Well, no, answered the puzzled
homeowner. But I have a wife and
11 children.
Is that a record? she inquired.
I dont think so, he replied, but
its as close as I want to get.
reddit.com

THATS THE CASE

Capitalization can really change
a sentence.
Example:
I love to eat candy.
I love to eat capitalization.
@THENATEWOLF
SURPRISE, SURPRISE
You cant believe its not butter? Send us your original jokes! You could
Buddy, almost everything is not earn $50 and be featured in the magazine.
butter. @HIPPIESWORDFISH See page 9 or rd.ca/joke for details.

rd.ca | 04 2017 | 91
 MEMOIR

A painfuland elusive!eye condition offers

a lesson in seeing whats really important

V I S I O N
Q U E S T
BY V I R G I N I A FIS H ER YAFFE FR O M T H E G LO BE A N D MA IL
ILLUSTRATION BY SBASTIEN THIBAULT

ITS CALLED ENTROPION and its a against the cornea. For the three
legitimate condition, not an excuse per cent of seniors affected by the
to have medicare pay for an eye lift, condition, looking down is almost
as many seem to think. Its difficult to impossiblea grim development for
diagnose (Lady, there is nothing someone whose main activity in life
wrong with you!); debilitating (imag- is reading, whose escape from suffer-
ine a zillion hairs in your eye); tough ing has always been between pages.
for a hypochondriac (I guess cancer of What mathematical construct is pain
the eye is how Im going to leave this plus pain? An isosceles triangle? My
earth) and problematic if one is prone own personal purgatory?
to metaphor (I knew I had already Entropion is a trickster; the eyelid
seen too much in this lifetime). turns in but occasionally rights itself,
What happens is that the entire usually when a doctor is examining
lower lid turns inward, forcing those it. The ophthalmologist asked ques-
50 to 100-odd eyelashes to scrape tions: When did you first notice it?

rd.ca | 04 2017 | 93
READERS DIGEST

At the beach. Noticeably absent from my list of

Were you wearing protection? (A concerns is my own vanity. Some
condom on my eye?) people in my life view that as a posi-
Of course. tive characteristic; many consider it
So some sunscreen got in your and my disinclination toward makeup
eye. Go home. and fancy outfitsan extremely nega-
Next day. New doctor. Do you tive one. Ive taught my children that
walk outside? he asks. beauty is inner, and I mean it. But
I do. despite the fact that Im not overly
Then the feeling of something in concerned with how I might look,
the eye must be caused by wind, as he how would I feel if the surgeons hand
can find nothing there. shook at the wrong
Go home. Walk outside time? Ive never aspired
less and stay indoors. to facial scarring.
Do you always wear HOW LUCKY The day of the sur-
sunglasses? he asked. WE ARE! gery, I put on my big girl
No, not always. A WAVE OF underwear, clean as my
Well, this feeling will APPRECIATION mother always warned
go away if you do. Go me to keep them, and
home and put them on.
BATHED ME, hit the hospital ready to
Use drops for dry eye.
EVEN AS MY boogie. My MO is to do
Ad infinitum. EYES WERE well during tough times
Then I got lucky. The WRAPPED and to fall apart once
slippery customer that IN GAUZE. theyre over. Lets face
had evaded all the rest it: I counted on some
showed itself to one last discomfort; after all, I
ophthalmologist. My God! he cried. am neurotic, not stupid.
That must be excruciating! I was thrilled that my surgeon was
I wanted to marry him. teaching as he performed my proce-
dure (students have to learn some-
THE CONDITION IS fixed with eyelid time!). What I hadnt counted on was
surgery, formally known as blepharo- what I would hear.
plasty, and the date was set. I knew Feel the capsule between the lat-
better than to look online, as I am well eral and inferior rectus muscle? Its a
acquainted with myself. I would worry big bump. Get a good bite.
about permanent blindness, drastic Rectus muscle?
infections, allergies to the anesthesia, Take a 23G hypodermic and inject
hemorrhaging. Its a long list. into the junction.

94 | 04 2017 | rd.ca
 The lyrics to the theme song of Petti- I THOUGHT A great deal about how
coat Junction flew through my brain. one would cope with entropion in
Use your pinky finger to prevent the developing world or during a
occlusion. holocaust. The answer is obvious:
Wait. Who, exactly, was doing the one would be too busy saving ones
freezing? All I could see were bright life to care whether a few stray hairs
lights. No big city. were bothersome. How lucky we are
Words flew by. Sub-Tenons infil- in Canada! To all those ancestors
tration. Limbus. Dura. Equatorial who came to find freedom, well, they
sclera. Inferior tarsal border. Lateral found even more.
canthus. Those were the good words, A wave of appreciation bathed me,
because I didnt understand them. even as my eyes were wrapped in
Other words I knew. Scalpel. gauze. Suddenly I couldnt see at all.
Blade. Careful! Here, you try the I had not anticipated this, either. Now
other eye. Too much blood! Watch I understood the hospitals absolute
the margins! Globe injuries are best insistence that someone be there to
avoided. Retractor tighter, please! take me home.
The other thing I hadnt counted on Atticus Finch, who has been my
was being able to see each instrument hero since I was eight, taught me
as it touched me; although it makes that You never really understand a
sense, as my eyes had to be open. person until you consider things from
When Im scared, I close my eyes and his point of view. (All right, perhaps I
try to find peace deep inside, which learned that from Harper Lee, but to
proved harder to do while staring at be fair, Atticus is a real person in my
sharp objects moving furiously with world.) Now I had an infinitesimal
a downward trajectory. Luckily, I find glimpse of life without vision.
solace in musical theatre, which I had Im healing. I look like the loser in
been listening to a lot during my non- a fight against Muhammad Ali. The
reading days. I silently recited quotes stitches pull, and sleeping is tough.
from Hamilton to distract myself. Hamiltons creator, Lin-Manuel
Talk less. Smile more. Miranda, wrote, Look around, look
I have no real idea of how many around at how / Lucky we are to be
people were in the operating room, alive right now.
as I could only see directly above Perhaps looking around will be
me, but I felt lots of reassuring hands easier after this operation. I hold that
touching me. The team was stellar. truth to be self-evident.

2016 VIRGINIA FISHER YAFFE. FROM THE GLOBE AND MAIL (NOV. 14, 2016), GLOBEANDMAIL.COM

rd.ca | 04 2017 | 95
EDITORS CHOICE

In April 1917, close to 3,600 Canadian combatants

lost their lives on a ridge in France. A century
later, military historian Tim Cook explains why
those four days of fighting still resonate.
REMEMBERING

VIMY
F R OM VI MY: T H E BAT T LE A ND T H E LE G EN D

Canadian machine
gunners dig themselves
into position on
Vimy Ridge.

rd.ca | 04 2017 | 97
READERS DIGEST

T
HE VIMY MEMORIAL, Only days after combat ceased,
with its pillars of white Percy Willmot, a Cape Breton staff
stone, stands on the sergeant with the 25th Battalion,
ramparts of a ridge in echoed Sawell, writing home: This
northeastern France, is the battlefield that will go down in
a site of mass killing history as the magnificent achieve-
and mythmaking. In The Ghosts of ment of the Canadian Corps. Sawell
Vimy Ridge, a painting that hangs in would survive the war, while Willmot
the Parliament Buildings in Ottawa, never made it home to his family.

(PREVIOUS SPREAD) CANADA. DEPT. OF NATIONAL DEFENCE / LIBRARY AND ARCHIVES CANADA / PA-001017
the twin pylons reach into the night. But for them both, Vimy resonated
The effect is of two swords raised, or as more than just a military achieve-
perhaps the tip of a cross emerging ment. Over the past 100 years, it has
from a large crossbeam. From the become part of the fabric and fable
east, the view captures the shattered of the nation.
landscape of mud and shell craters
leading up to the memorials stone THE ASSASSINATION OF Austro-
wall, a bulwark against invaders Hungarian archduke Franz Ferdi-
and time. Pictured returning to the nand in Sarajevo on June 28, 1914,
memorial are the ghosts of soldiers. was the spark that set off the First
They are Canadian, although more World War. Europe had experienced
than 150,000 French and German decades of shifting discontent and
soldiers died trying to capture or hold simmering grievances, ultimately
the ridge. Yet in April 1917, it was providing a powder keg for the con-
the Canadian Corpsour countrys flagration. All of the great powers
100,000-strong army in the Great War, were bound by complicated alli-
from 1914 to 1918that assaulted the ances and treaties designed to bring
seemingly impregnable position and peace and stability but instead led
delivered victory against Germany. to bloodshed.
The four-day battle raged from April When Germany invaded Belgium
9 to 12 and cost 3,598 Canadian lives. a neutral countryin early August as
Lieutenant Edward Sawell, from a prelude to attacking France, Britain
Millgrove, Ont., served in the 21st was forced to take a stand, as it had
Battalion and wrote about April 9, pledged to protect Belgium in the
1917, the first day of the Vimy battle: event of war. The seafaring trader-
Canadian soldiers this day did more nation did not want to see Germany
to give Canada a real standing among overrun Europe, because that would
nations of the world than any previ- undoubtedly change the balance of
ous single act in Canadian history. power. So when Germany refused to

98 | 04 2017 | rd.ca
 Detail of William Longstaff s The Ghosts of Vimy Ridge.
VI MY R IDGE), CWM 19890275-051, BEAVERBROOK COLLECTION
WI LLI AM LON GSTA FF, VIM Y RIDGE (PRIN T OF TH E GHOST S OF

retreat from Belgian soil, the British THE BATTLE OF VIMY Ridge was the
Empire was at war. most carefully planned operation
As a dominion within the British that the Canadians fought during
Empire, Canada was also drawn in. the war. The seven-kilometre ridge,
But the countrys war effort began as an important geographical position,
a voluntary one, with men choosing was the site of several titanic battles,
OF WAR ART, CA NADIAN WAR MUSEUM

between enlisting in the new Cana- starting in October 1914.

dian Expeditionary Force or staying The ridge protected a coal-rich area
home. The response was astonishing. that the Germans occupied and des-
Driven by a desire to aid Britain, save perately needed to retain to supply
Belgium, liberate France and respond their war effort. When the Canadians
to what was seen as Germanys naked arrived at the foot of the western side
aggression, Canadians enlisted by the of the ridge in October 1916, Vimy was
tens of thousands. By November 11, a desert of shell craters and rotting
1918, more than 620,000 Canadians corpses. They faced one of the most
had served in uniform. formidable positions on the Western

rd.ca | 04 2017 | 99
READERS DIGEST

Firing a BL 6-inch Mk VII naval gun on a land carriage.

Front. Under the command of Brit- linked to the Great War. For many
ish general Sir Julian Byng, the four English-speaking citizens, that war
Canadian divisions, with significant marked the countrys coming of age,
support from British engineers, gun- as the Canadian Corps spearheaded
ners and soldiers, prepared for the a number of Allied offensives and LIBRARY AND ARCHIVES CANADA / PA-001187
CANADA. DEP T. OF NATION AL DEF EN CE /

battle in April 1917. Through meticu- delivered hard-fought victories.

lous preparation, training, determin- Things were perceived differently
ation and sacrifice, the Canadians in French Canada, which has a dis-
succeeded where the French armies tinct identity, and by many of the two
had failed in the past. The Corps vic- million immigrants who had arrived
tory solidified its reputation among in the country since the late 19th
allies and opponents as an elite fight- century. Nonetheless, the war was an
ing force, and Vimy became an icon of important transformative event for
Canadian identity. all. The enormous exertions on the
The value that Canadians attach to home front saw millions of shells
the battle and the memorial is forever produced, crops grown by farmers to

100 | 04 2017 | rd.ca

feed the Allied nations and unpreced- sift through the ashes to make mean-
ented patriotic support of the war ing of the horrendous battles that had
effort and the soldiers. Major social killed more than 66,000 members of a
changes, from industrialization, nation of fewer than eight million.
income tax and enfranchisement for Vimy has become an important
women to deeper government inter- touchstone that Canadians of mul-
vention, were ushered in. Old cer- tiple generations have employed to
tainties were swept away. tell stories about the country. The
During the war, death and divi- event has come to signify, for many,
sion plagued the nation. The loss of martial strength and unity of pur-
life brought grief to every part of the pose. The battle has been described
country. Even though hundreds of as a key event in our history, but what
thousands of citizens enlisted volun- that means in 2017 is different from
tarily in the first three years of the war, what it meant in 1992 or 1967, in 1936

OFFICERS BROKE OUT THE BATTLE RUM.

AS ONE MAN WROTE, AFTER DRINKING THE
STUFF, I WOULD HAVE KILLED MY MOTHER.

the fighting overseas demanded even or 1917. As Canada has developed

more men to keep shattered units up over time, we have cast aside much
to strength. By 1916, as recruitment that grounded us in the past; yet there
faltered and as fathers and sons were are some ideas, myths and icons
cut down in the trenches, life became that persistently carry the weight of
harder in the Dominion. Canadians nationhood. Vimy is one of them.
turned on one another, looking for
enemies in their midst. Prime Min- TOMORROW WILL MAKE history,
ister Sir Robert Bordens government claimed the war diarist for the 5th
enacted conscription in the summer Canadian Mounted Rifles on April 8,
of 1917, and during the election that the night before the attack. Every-
December, divisive tactics that played thing possible has been done. All
to linguistic, regional and class con- ranks calmly confident.
flicts nearly tore the country apart. After months of planning, the out-
By the wars end, survivors sought to come of the battle was in the hands

rd.ca | 04 2017 | 101

 my cheeks and the
choking in my throat
for the cheery lads who
were marching away,
many of them never
to return.
Soldiers were
equipped with the
standard-issue Brodie
steel helmet, which
looked like a sauce-
pan. It had webbing on
the inside to keep the
Canadian soldiers playing a game of cards cold steel off the skull

CANADA. DEPT. OF NATIONAL DEFENCE / LIBRARY AND ARCHIVES CANADA / PA-001181

in a shell hole on Vimy Ridge. and to absorb a blow.
Soldiers groused about
of the infantry. But they were not the weight on their necks, but after
alone. The concentration of artil- the helmets introduction in early
leryalmost a thousand available 1916, the number of head wounds
field and siege guns and mortars dropped significantly.
was about three times heavier than The soldiers wore their greatcoats,
at the Battle of the Somme a few along with shirts and trousers, with
months prior. Twenty-one first-wave the lower legs wrapped in puttees
Canadian battalions of more than (strips of cloth) to keep out mud.
15,000 infantrymen were set to cap- The hobnailed leather boots were a
ture the ridge. Most of the units went demon to break in but durable
into the line with between 650 and through bad weather and long
700 men in four companies, while marches. Around the torso was a
about 10 per cent of the fighting force series of straps and pouches known
was left out of battle, as the official as webbing. Hanging off it or in the
policy was called, to rebuild the bat- pouches was an entrenching tool,
talions should they be savaged. water bottle, haversack, two days of
During 18 months of warfare, I rations, 170 rounds of ammunition,
have become more or less deadened two Mills bombs, a flare, three empty
to feeling and emotion, wrote the sandbags and a few pans of Lewis
25th Battalions Staff Sergeant Percy ammunition. Some of the men in the
Willmot of the assault, but I could not secondary waves were also ordered
prevent the tears from rolling down to carry picks and shovels to dig new

102 | 04 2017 | rd.ca

 trenches or fill sandbags. Infantry- the shivering men, many of whom
men travelling through boot-deep had been told to leave behind their
mud would need every ounce of greatcoats, as they became too heavy
strength to keep up with the creeping when caked in mud. The alcohol also
barrage, which stopped for nothing. allowed men to redirect their anxiety
In the early hours of April 9, doz- into anger. As one Canadian wrote,
ing soldiers were awakened in the After drinking the stuff, I would have
tunnels that had been dug to protect killed my own mother.
them from shellfire. Company cooks
attempted to send up warm porridge, NEWS OF THE VICTORIOUS battle
but not all men were lucky enough reached Canada in time to appear
to get some, and some munched on in the late editions of many newspa-
cold meat and bread. To calm nerves, pers on April 9, 1917. The Edmonton
officers in most of the units broke out Journal crowed, Whole German Line
battle rum. It was fiery, overproof and Wavers Under First Spring Attack.
thick, and it burned as it went down. The next day, The Globe informed
The rum offered some warmth to its readers, Canadians Lead in Tri-
umph, while the Vancouver Sun
exclaimed on its front page, Famous
Vimy Ridge, the Scene of Many Gory
Battles, Was Stormed and Carried by
Warriors From Canada. Le Devoir,
the Quebec paper that was critical of
the extent of the Canadian war effort,
also ran translated accounts from
the English papers that extolled the
Corps victory.
Reports of the triumph at Vimy
provoked immediate jubilation
across the Dominion, followed by a
wave of fear. The casualty lists were
published a few days after the battle,
and even before the long columns of
the dead appeared, there were wide-
spread rumours that the ridges cap-
CP P HOTO

ture had been costly. Survivors at the

A front-page story about Vimy in the front, tired and heartbroken, wrote
April 10, 1917, edition of The Globe. to their killed mates families, and

rd.ca | 04 2017 | 103

READERS DIGEST

these missives arrived two to three Thousands of Canadian families

weeks after being posted. Letters were not so fortunate. The mother of
were almost always couched in the infantryman Shinkichi Hara, who was
language of cheerful sacrifice and a killed at Vimy, committed her pain to
clean death in battle. They were what paper, writing, Since the death of my
the families wanted and needed, son, I feel very lonely, but I am well.
although they were not always a very My sons ambition was to fight for his
accurate reflection of a dying sol- country and help bring world peace. It
diers final minutes. is very difficult for me to realize that he
Those at home worried as they was killed in France. He was my only
waited for news of loved ones. Will child. Hara was one of 54 Japanese
Antliff, a commerce student at Canadians killed while serving with
McGill University who enlisted with the Canadian Corps during the war.

AFTER THE WAR, CANADA WAS FAR

HARDER TO GOVERN. BUT IT WAS NOT
GOING TO TURN ITS BACK ON THE FALLEN.

the No. 9 Canadian Field Ambu- THE GRE AT WAR armistice, on

lance in January 1916, was at Vimy. November 11, 1918, ended the kill-
As early as April 9, his mother wrote, ing on the Western Front, but the
almost pleadingly, The papers are reverberations of those deaths have
about the taking of Vimy Ridge. echoed through history. Today, Can-
Three days later, as the casualty lists ada is a nation with a population
were printed in the papers, she was more than four and a half times as
more anxious, querying in another large as it was back then; the equiva-
letter, Were you at Vimy Ridge? lent losses would be about 300,000
It is all so terrible. It is very sad, dead in a four-year period.
though, that so many fine lives must The legacy of the war would be felt
be sacrificed. The latest one we have strongly throughout the 1920s. The
heard of whom we know is young nation had been fractured from the
Symonds. Antliff survived the bat- extremity of the war effort, which had
tle, and the war, to be reunited with pitted region against region. French
his family in Montreal. Canadians, farmers and organized

104 | 04 2017 | rd.ca

 Canadian troops en route to a rest period after the capture of Vimy Ridge.

labour felt aggrieved by the accusa- crushing debt, close to $3 billion,

tions that they had not pulled their accrued in unfettered wartime spend-
weight. The working class roiled in ing would not be easy to pay down.
anger against those whom they felt The country was further fractured
had profited during the war and by the hardship imposed by inflation
refused to share the wealth, leaving and the pitting of city folk against
the less fortunate struggling to sur- farmers, with the former believing
vive as inflation ate away at house- erroneously that the latter had reaped
ARCHIVES CANADA / PA-001267

hold budgets. This discontent led to money during the war from high
W.I. CASTLE / LIBRA RY AN D

widespread protests that culminated crop prices.

in the 1919 Winnipeg General Strike. Everywhere there was rupture.
Two demonstrators were killed and Added to this potent mix of rage
more than two dozen were wounded and resentment were the hundreds
during a riot on June 21, 1919. of thousands of veterans who were
Victory had been more costly than demobilized and filtering back to
anyone could have imagined. The Canada in early 1919. They expected

rd.ca | 04 2017 | 105

READERS DIGEST

to find a country that had changed One might have expected a seeth-
for the better, one that would reward ing population, demanding answers,
them with stability and jobs. Instead, looking to blame their leaders (pol-
too many veterans found unemploy- iticians, military, business or church)
ment and disillusionment. After the for having tricked the countrys youth
war, Canada was a far harder coun- into serving in a faraway war. But that
try to hold together, let alone govern. was not the case for most Canadians
But it was not one that would turn its in the 1920s, who believed that the
back on the fallen. dirty job of fighting the Germans had
been just and necessary.
T W O M I N U T E S O F S I L E N C E . It Remembrance Day, as Armistice
reverberated like thunder through Day was renamed in 1931, went
the busy streets across Canada, as through cycles of observation and

TO STAND ON VIMY RIDGE IS TO KNOW

THAT FEW OTHER PLACES IN THE WORLD
CAN MAKE CANADIANS FEEL SO PROUD.

people stood, hats in hands, minds gathering. There were debates about
cast back to the war that had ended whether it should be a holiday or not,
a year earlier. King George V had and on which day it should fall, but it
made a formal request that through- remained a day unlike any other on
out the British Empire, the 11th the calendar.
day of November in 1919 would be Another important symbol, one
observed as Armistice Day, and that twinned with Armistice Day, was
all would go quiet at the 11th hour, the poppy, worn on the lapel as a
marking the successful end of the sign of remembrance. The scarlet
war. This stillness was no call to vic- poppies, first adopted by Canadi-
tory but a deep reflection on those ans in 1921, were inspired by the
who never came home. Anguish and words of John McCraes In Flanders
loss over the death of a loved one Fields, with its vivid imagery of the
are usually private and cloistered; fallen lying among the red flowers.
now, that loss was shared in public McCraes piece, first published in
by a nation. 1915, had been a martial poem, in

106 | 04 2017 | rd.ca

which slain Canadian sol- the claustrophobic tun-
diers demanded that the nels, treading carefully
survivors keep fighting across the cratered bat-
against the enemyTo tlegrounds, and with the
you from failing hands faint touch of fingers on
we throw / The torch; be engraved names of the
yours to hold it high fallen. Vimy is also a
but during the postwar place of enormous
years, it was transformed beauty. The pylons soar
into a poem of keeping to the blue beyond, and
faith with the fallen. the sculptures are intri-
cate in their lines and
T O S TA N D O N V I M Y evocative in their mean-
Ridge, in the shadow of ings. The creamy white
the memorial, is to rec- EDITORS and warm stone provokes
CHOICE
ognize that few other strong emotion. The his-
places in the world can make Cana- torical inscriptions are minimal, but
dians feel so proud. One also feels the names of the missing 11,285 are
the weight of history and the pres- monumental. Those searing marks
ence of the dead. There is a palpable in honour of the fallen are thou-
confluence of what we would like to sands of small scars on the stone, a
forget and what we must remember. reminder of the terrible loss of the
The ghosts walk this soil, through Great War.
FROM VIMY: THE BATTLE AND THE LEGEND, BY TIM COOK. 2017, BY TIM COOK. PUBLISHED BY PENGUIN RANDOM HOUSE CANADA
LIMITED. REPRODUCED BY ARRANGEMENT WITH THE PUBLISHER. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.

MONIKER MUSINGS

An armadillo? Wait, you mean highway lobster?

@BEERBATTERBEARD (TYLER)

The Allman Brothers couldnt have had a woman

in the band for two reasons.
@EWFEEZ (ROBO-SAURUS)

We have Fox News in Canada. Its not a network; its a hunting magazine.
PHIL HANLEY

rd.ca | 04 2017 | 107

SPECIAL FEATURE

Chicken Crescent Wreath

This is an impressive-looking dish that's 1. Arrange crescent rolls on a 12-in.
a snap to prepare. Even when my cooking (30.5 cm) pizza pan, forming a ring with
time is limited, I can still serve this delicious pointed ends facing the outer edge of pan
wreath. The red pepper and green broccoli and wide ends overlapping.
add a festive touch.
MARLENE DENISSEN 2. Combine the remaining ingredients;
spoon over wide ends of rolls. Fold points
PREP: 15 MIN. BAKE: 20 MIN. over filling and tuck under wide ends
MAKES: 6-8 SERVINGS (filling will be visible).

2 tubes (8 oz (250 g) each) 3. Bake at 375 for 20-25 minutes or until

refrigerated crescent rolls golden brown.
1 cup (250 mL) shredded Colby-
Monterey Jack cheese FREEZE OPTION: Securely wrap cooled
2/
3 cup (150 mL) condensed cream wreath in plastic and foil before freezing.
of chicken soup, undiluted To use, remove from freezer 30 minutes
1/
2 cup (125 mL) chopped fresh broccoli before reheating. Remove wreath from
1/
2 cup (125 mL) chopped sweet foil and plastic; reheat on a greased baking
red pepper sheet in a preheated 325F oven until
1/
4 cup (50 mL) chopped water heated through.
chestnuts
1 can (5 oz/150 g) white chicken, NUTRITION FACTS: 1 piece: 203 calories,
drained, or 3 /4 cup (175 mL) cubed 11 g fat (5 g saturated fat), 23 mg cholesterol,
cooked chicken 537 mg sodium, 15 g carbohydrate (3 g sugars,
2 tbsp (25 mL) chopped onion 1 g fibre), 9 g protein.

Looks like we had an error

in this recipe that ran in
our December 2016 issue.
Please enjoy this delicious
recipe from start to finish.
 GET SMART!

13 Things
Librarians
Wont Tell You
BY MICH E L L E C RO U C H
AD D ITIO NAL R ES EAR C H BY A N D R E A BE N N E T T
ILLUSTRATION BY SERGE BLOCH

1 Which books are most popular?

The Harry Potter series, says
Bill V., a librarian with the Toronto
may be based on reviews or other
readers comments.

Public Library. Current feature

films, he says, are also popular.
Were stiff competition for Netflix.
3 Have a question about some-
thing other than a book? Bring
it. Librarians can help with back-
ground checks, genealogy research

2 Librarians havent read every

book they recommend. Most
and formatting resums.

dont have as much time to read as

you might think, and inevitably,
there are some genres staffers wont
4 Go ahead and make a little
noise. Were a community
hub, says Michael Eaton, a
be interested in. Book suggestions community librarian with the
rd.ca | 04 2017 | 109
READERS DIGEST

Edmonton Public Library. A little

bit of bustle is fine. Certain spaces
are reserved for quiet study, but
9 When it comes to waiving fines,
most librarians have formidable
power. If theres a good reason youre
others are meant for playing video late (say, you had a family member
games, chatting and even eating in the hospital) or if youre especially
your lunch. apologetic, they can make them go
away with the click of a button.

5 Public libraries average just over

two holdings per capitathats
a lot of books, DVDs, CDs, maga- 10 Many libraries offer services
to serve new Canadians, like
zines and video games. Think English-language learning pro-
about the money you spend on grams. Help outand meet a new
movies, video games and music in friendby becoming a volunteer
a month, says Eaton. You can get participant in a conversation circle.
that stuff for free!

6 Be respectful: watch what you

put in the book drop. Ben Raw-
11 Be kind to the books. The
more abuse a book sees, Raw-
luk says, the shorter its lifespan.
luk, a former circulation assistant at Use sticky notes and bookmarks
the Victoria Public Library, in B.C., instead of dog-earing pages and
recalls pulling out poop, toys, cloth- writing in the margins. And dont
ing and empty beer bottles. Once, tear pages out of the magazines!
he even found fireworks.

7 You can, however, donate

through the book drop, Rawluk
12 Check your books before you
return them. Youd be sur-
prised at how many people use
says. Libraries are always looking their credit cards as bookmarks.
for more materials, although some Other unexpected choices: unfilled
may prefer if you bring them in to prescriptions, Band-Aids, hockey
the counter. or concert tickets, photographs,
notes and cash.

8 A growing number of libraries

are installing makerspaces.
These labs provide materials, tech- 13 Dont forget that your library
also has an extensive digital
nologies and tools for do-it-yourself collection. You can stream music,
projects. Come in and use a 3-D download MP3s and read news-
printer, a video-editing station, and papers from all over the world,
a sewing machine or craft supplies. Eaton says.

110 | 04 2017 | rd.ca

 Thats Outrageous!
NOT QUITE A CRIME
BY DANIE L VIO LA

FAKE AND ENTER though; hed simply

Ceiling tiles on the driven through a
floor, papers askew. red light. Still, that
For the worker who sufficed. The opera-
stumbled across the tor who took the
scene last May at a youngsters call
property manage- asked to speak with
ment office in Palm Bay, Fla., the Richardsons father, who apologized
evidence pointed to one thing: bur- profuselyand later explained he
glars. A quick phone call later, the had been turning right on a red.
police arrived and searched the
premises. After a few minutes, the BETTER LATE THAN NEVER
culprit was spotted, hiding behind Edie Simms knew it was only a mat-
a plastic houseplant. But the masked ter of time before the police showed
intruder wasnt the person they were up. It took decades, but when the
expectingit was a raccoon. After cruiser arrived at her residence in
arresting the suspect (via catch St. Louis, Mo., with lights on and
pole; its paws were too small for sirens blazing last September, she
cuffs), animal control released the felt relief. Thats because Simms,
critter in the woods nearby. whod just celebrated her 102nd
birthday, had arranged for the arrest.
STOP IN THE NAME OF LOVE Being in the back of a police car was
Robbie Richardson of Quincy, Mass., on Simmss bucket list, and local
faced a dilemma: what do you do officers were happy to oblige as a
when someone you care for commits gesture of thanks for the womans
PIERRE LORAN GER

a crime? Ultimately, Richardsons years of community volunteer work.

love for the law trumped his love for When asked by a TV reporter about
his father, and last May, the six-year- her ride, she revealed that shed
old contacted the authorities. His received the full experience, Hand-
dad wasnt a hardened lawbreaker, cuffs and all!

rd.ca | 04 2017 | 111

 MORE GREAT READS THIS MONTH

Rd.ca/connect
FOOD

Diet Tips to
Prevent Ulcers
CARS

Whens the Best Time

to Buy a New Vehicle?
Research and a bit of patience could
save you hundreds of dollars.

(HALL O F FAM E) CAN ADAS SPORTS H ALL OF FAME; (OTH ERS) I STOCKPHOTO
/r e a d e r s d i g e s t c a n a d a

@readersdigestca

/r d c a n a d a

/r e a d e r s d i g e s t c a

Newsletter

T R AV E L

8 Great Canadian
Halls of Fame
Spaces that celebrate our nations
most notable figures, from sports
heroes and daredevils to medical
pioneers and musicians.

112 | 04 2017 | rd.ca

 Brainteasers
Challenge yourself by solving these puzzles and mind stretchers,
then check your answers on page 116.

BEE-FEATERS (Difficult)
The larger diagram below represents a beehive. The queen is there some-
where, her position obscured for security purposes. The visible bees are
four royal guards and one ambassador from another hive. A dutiful royal
guard must be either in a cell adjacent to the queen or else have the queen
visible down one of their sightlines, looking ahead of them as shown in the
example below. (The bee in the example can see the white cells and all the
others lying in that direction, but not the shaded cells.) Where is the queen?
(BEE-FEATERS) DARREN RIGBY; (M US CLE BUILDIN G) F RASER SI M PSON

SIGHTLINE EXAMPLE

MUSCLE BUILDING (Easy)

Tyrone resolved to get in shape by doing push-ups every morning before
work. Each day from Monday to Friday, he did 10 more push-ups than hed
done the day before. If Tyrone did 50 push-ups on Thursday, how many
push-ups did he do in total from Monday to Friday?

rd.ca | 04 2017 | 113

READERS DIGEST

SHAPE SHUFFLE (Moderately difficult)

Rearrange the shapes below into a new sequence that conforms to the
following rules:
The triangle is to the immediate left of the pentagon.
The circle is to the left of the square and to the right of the triangle.
The octagon is not the last figure in the sequence.
None of the shapes remain in their original position.

(S HA PE SHUFFLE) M ARCEL DANESI ; (SP LIT-LEVEL M AZE) DA RREN RI GBY; ( AD D ITION FORM) FRASE R SIMPSON
SPLIT-LEVEL MAZE (Moderately difficult) ADDITION
The numbers in the diagram represent the heights FORM (Easy)
of the platforms making up a maze. The differences Replace each
in the heights are such that you can safely move letter in the
horizontally and vertically so long as the levels equation below
youre moving to and from are only one level apart with a single
(e.g. from a 3 you can move to a 2 or a 4). You carry digit (the same
a stool that will let you go up two levels, but only digit everywhere
once. How will you get from start to finish? it appears) to
make a correct
7 6 8 9 8 9 10 addition. You
may not use
6 5 7 6 5 7 9 different letters
to stand for the
4 7 4 8 4 6 8 same digit.
What number
7 1 5 6 3 7 5
is ABCD?
8 2 6 5 4 6 4
ABCD
2 3 2 7 5 4 9
+ ABC
1 4 1 3 2 3 4
20 1 7
114 | 04 2017 | rd.ca
 Trivia Quiz
BY PAUL PAQ UET

1. In the mid-2010s, which European 8. Who is the only Oscar winner to

country was governed by two women: appear on a euro coin?
a queen and a prime minister?
9. What subtropical beach-resort city
2. The first issue of Readers Digest hosted the Winter Olympic Games?
appeared in 1922 and featured an
10. In what movie did Joe Pesci
article by what Scottish-born inventor?
improvise a scene based on a real
3. Which seafaring country has a incident in which he told a mobster
navigational instrument (an armil- he was funny?
lary sphere) on its green and red flag?
11. PETA disapproved of Barack
4. The Hawaiian deity Poliahu is Obamas execution of what crea-
associated with a weather phenom- ture during a 2009 TV interview?
enon that rarely occurs in Hawaii
12. According to the adage known as
below its highest peaks. Which one?
Betteridges law of headlines, what
5. Blood from a Siberian specimen can you say about any headline
may contain enough DNA to that ends in a question mark?
clone what extinct animal?
13. Put Angkor before
6. The only Latin book to this word and you have
crack The New York Times a Cambodian temple. Put
bestseller list was a 1960 doro in front and you
translation of what have an Ethiopian
classic by A.A. Milne? 15. Abimelech, Samson, stew. Whats the word?
King Saul, Sauls armour
7. Whats the name of bearer, Ahithophel, Zimri 14. Most famous for its
the supercontinent that and Judas Iscariot are the raided airport, Entebbe
once incorporated most only biblical figures to die was which countrys
of the land on Earth? a particular way. How? capital until 1962?
ISTOC KPHOTO

10. Goodfellas. 11. A fly. 12. The answer is no. 13. Wat. 14. Uganda. 15. By suicide.
mammoth. 6. Winnie-the-Pooh (Winnie Ille Pu). 7. Pangaea. 8. Grace Kelly. 9. Sochi.
ANSWERS: 1. Denmark. 2. Alexander Graham Bell. 3. Portugal. 4. Snow. 5. The woolly

rd.ca | 04 2017 | 115

 Sudoku
BY I A N RIENS C H E

Brainteasers:
Answers
3 2 4 5 (from page 113)

1 8 4 BEE-FEATERS
The queens position is
marked with an X, and the
3 1 ambassador is highlighted.

4 2 5 x
5 9 3 1 7
8 2 3
6 9
3 2 7 MUSCLE BUILDING
200 push-ups.

2 1 3 8 SHAPE SHUFFLE

TO SOLVE THIS PUZZLE

You have to put a number from SPLIT-LEVEL MAZE
1 to 9 in each square so that: 7 6 8 9 8 9 10
(S UDOKU) SUDOKUP UZZLER.COM

6 5 7 6 5 7 9
every horizontal row SOLUTION
6 8 5 3 4 1 7 2 9 4 7 4 8 4 6 8
and vertical column 7 1 9 8 2 5 4 6 3 7 1 5 6 3 7 5
contains all nine numerals
8 2 6 5 4 6 4
2 3 4 9 6 7 1 8 5
(1-9) without repeating 3 4 6 1 5 9 2 7 8
2 3 2 7 5 4 9
any of them;
8 7 1 2 3 4 9 5 6
5 9 2 6 7 8 3 1 4 1 4 1 3 2 3 4
each of the 3 x 3 boxes 9 6 7 5 1 3 8 4 2
ADDITION FORM
has all nine numerals,
4 2 3 7 8 6 5 9 1
1 5 8 4 9 2 6 3 7 ABCD = 1834.
none repeated.

116 | 04 2017 | rd.ca

 Word Power
Are you at home on the range? Whoop it up
with these Wild West words.
BY BETH S H ILLIBE ER

1. calaboose 6. catawampus 11. dogie

A: jail. A: askew or awry. A: motherless or
B: platform at end of B: swampy and wet. neglected calf.
a caboose railway car. C: lazy or spoiled. B: herding dog.
C: unemployed C: veteran cowboy.
cattle herder. 7. dry-gulch
A: enforced sobriety. 12. cooper
2. iron horse B: ambush and kill. A: keeper of
A: saddle rack. C: drained wetland. chickens.
B: nickname for B: wooden-
a Colt revolver. barrel maker.
8. cantankerous
C: train. C: camp cook.
A: old and slow.
B: foul-smelling.
3. sidewinder 13. grit
C: argumentative.
A: tornado. A: strength in
B: desert rattlesnake hardship.
species. 9. chinook B: boot spur.
C: left-handed punch. A: chin strap. C: gossip.
B: baby buffalo.
4. coulee C: warm, dry breeze 14. railroad bible
A: shade-producing tree. from the mountains. A: travelling priest.
B: ravine. B: deck of cards.
C: cross-eyed horse. 10. ankle express C: train schedule.
A: act of running for
5. deadeye ones life. 15. bamboozle
A: expert marksman. B: travel by foot. A: brawl in a saloon.
B: moonless night. C: use of spurs on B: rob a bank.
C: skilled card player. a horse. C: cheat or confuse.

rd.ca | 04 2017 | 117

READERS DIGEST

Answers
1. calaboose[A] jail; as, were able to catch some fish when
Bootleg Pete was no stranger to the chinook melted the lake ice.
the calaboose, having been arrested
twice already. 10. ankle express[B] travel by
foot; as, After his horse was stolen,
2. iron horse[C] train; as, Anton Zhu had to go by ankle express
and Olga took the iron horse out back to camp.
of Montreal to Manitoba, looking
for farmland to settle. 11. dogie[A] motherless or
neglected calf; as, The cowboy
3. sidewinder[B] desert
knew the dogie would die if he
rattlesnake species; as, Beckys didnt intervene, so he put it in
horse reared to avoid the a pen with a lactating cow.
hissing sidewinder.
12. cooper[B] wooden-barrel
4. coulee[B] ravine; as, The
maker; as, Mas apple crop was
Mounties chased the bandits into
big that year, so she took the
the coulee, where there was less
wagon to buy new cider barrels
chance of escape.
from the cooper.
5. deadeye[A] expert marksman;
as, Red is a deadeye; she always 13. grit[A] strength in hardship;
wins the shooting competition, as, Caroline lost a child to the
Diego warned his friends. whooping cough but had the grit
to raise the remaining three.
6. catawampus[A] askew
or awry; as, Maggies hat was all 14. railroad bible[B] deck of
catawampus after her walk in cards; as, The dealer pulled out
the wind. his railroad bible to begin the
poker game.
7. dry-gulch[B] ambush and kill;
as, The outlaws tried to dry-gulch 15. bamboozle[C] cheat or
the sheriff, but he outsmarted them confuse; as, Shifty Sally found it
by taking a different route. easy to bamboozle the card players
8. cantankerous[C] argumentative; and win the game.
as, Old Man Silas was cantankerous
enough to argue with the wind. VOCABULARY RATINGS
710: fair
9. chinook[C] warm, dry breeze 1112: good
from the mountains; as, The settlers 1315: excellent

118 | 04 2017 | rd.ca

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 Quotes
BY C H RISTINA PALASS IO

IMPOSSIBLE IS AN
ATTITUDE. IMPOSSIBLE
CAN BE ACCOMPLISHED.
KIRSTY DUNCAN

I LIKE BITING OFF MORE If you use your art as an

THAN I CAN CHEW. ONCE
I GET SOMETHING TO
instrument of change
THE POINT THAT ITS and you use it with
OPER ATING WITH honesty and integrity,
EXCELLENCE , AS I LIKE TO
CALL IT, THEN I LOOK FOR you can spread the word
OPPORTUNITIES TO EXPAND. of love, of peace, of hope.
SCOT T M c G I LLIVR AY TO M JAC K SO N

MY PHILOSOPHY IS THAT YOU CANNOT HAVE IT ALL.

YOU HAVE TO JUST BE GENTLE AND KIND TO YOURSELF.
C H E RY L H I C K E Y

Its not like I get

up in the morning
I think Ive had success
and think, Gee, because Ive been able
Im really going to
annoy people today.
to step away, refresh
I guess thats just and have something
part of my charm.
C H R I S TI E
new to say each time.
B L ATC H FO R D B U F F Y SAI NTE - M A R I E

PHOTOS: (JACKSON) CRAIG KOSHYK. QUOTES: (DUNCAN) U OF T MAGAZINE (FALL 2016);

(McGILLIVRAY) CANADIAN BUSINESS (MAY 6, 2016); (JACKSON) CBC RADIOS UNRESERVED
(NOV. 22, 2015); (HICKEY) HELLO! MAGAZINE (MAY 1, 2014); (BLATCHFORD) TO RONTO LIFE
(SEPT. 26, 2016); (SAINTE-MARIE) CANADIAN BUSINESS (JULY 15, 2016).
 6
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