Garaczi 3 Plays in English

László Garaczi:
PLASMA
(radio play version)
Cast:
DJ Mohai – Péter Polgár
DJ Fábián – Bálint Jaskó
Zoe, radio news reader – Klára Jarábik
Sausage – József Tóth
Dodie – Dióssy Gábor
Balla, goods conveyor – Miklós B. Székely
Bori, his daughter – Karina Kecskés
Dickie, trapeze artist – Szabolcs Thuróczy
Szabolcs Ritter, trapeze artist – Vince Zrínyi Gál
Mrs. Ritter, Éva, trapeze artist – Erzsébet Jelinek
Newborn babe (Fanny, daughter of Mrs. Ritter) – Ráhel Solténszky
Réka, the nail polish chick – Bea Lass
Vida, her boyfriend, wall and bridge climber – Zsolt Huszár
Mr. Bácskai – Attila Menszátor Héresz
Caller 1: the ‘evil’ guy – András Sereglei
Caller 2: the ‘car-wash’ guy – András Botond Győri
Fireman – Gábor Sárosi
Professor Ochuki – László Garaczi
Music director: János Szemenyei

Music assistant: Mészáros László
Sound recording made by Károly Liszkai
Director’s assistant: Sándor Csepeli
Dramaturgy: Tibor Solténszky
Directed by: Miklós Tóth
AUTHOR – (bubbling, surging sounds throughout the monologue) Plasma world:
the characters, situations, and events go through a constant change in
form and physical state. From this alchemic bubbling, they clot for the
sake of each scene; a hub of characters and events emerge, the internal
becomes external, the invisible becomes observable (blood plasma TV).
The contours of a city, Budapest, become recognizable, along with its
situations and figures, but all this is surrounded by, saturated in, laced
with, flooded by, sucked into, and transformed by the thick, living
primary matter. In this concrete, yet still relative space, we search for
form, character, truth, and law.
The characters of the play, even though they are present-day, urban
Hungarians, they are also ectoplasms, auras, spots of light and mist;
they are subject to the laws of ‘plasma existence,’ both internally and
externally. They slide from one scene into the next like multicolored
liquids into dishes of various shapes.
The characters attempt to curl from an intermediate plasma liquid
into a state of existence; they become crystallized out of this plasma-
jelly. It is a rather difficult process; the material gives birth to its
heroes with painful labor. Plasma hands, plasma feet, the elastic
plasma-outlines of the soul appear. They are bubbles swooshing
around in a large tub of fermenting syrup. (a thick, dense splash is
heard)
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Scene 1.
Music: the radio show’s jingle. Two hosts. They’re ON THE AIR. Music plays softly in
the background as they speak.
FÁBIÁN Hey there, Budapest!

MOHAI Heeeellloooo Budapest! You’re listening to Ace Radio on one-
oh-one point one-oh-one. We’re the hosts of the show:
LostCauses Remixed.
FÁBIÁN Yesssss, that’s Ace Radio, 101.101 on your FM dial.
MOHAI You’re listening to us:
FÁBIÁN DJ Mohai…
MOHAI and DJ Fábián! Our fantastic DJ, who looks like he just
stepped out of the salon! Get a load of those shoes:
Salamander! Those chinos: Blombergs, no wait! Springfield?
That shirt: my God! Tom Tailor! And that scent! (sniffs)
Gucci! He’s our yuppie poster boy, our own private
consumer genius with that little ‘soul patch’ under his lip.
For him, fame and fortune are like oxygen and water to the
rest of us. And, correct me if I’m wrong, he just bought this
wicked new TV at Media Megastore. Man, it is sooo wicked
even Satan would shit bricks (beep)… Ooops! (beep)
FÁBIÁN Watch your mouth!
MOHAI Ooops!
FÁBIÁN (lecturing) See those rules and regulations on the wall there?
It says: (reads) ‘Use of all words and expressions pertaining
to the following are strictly forbidden on the air: (the words
are illustrated with sounds describing them) flatulence,
urination, ejaculation, menstruation, and bowel movements’
– get it? Bowel movements. ‘In addition, use of following
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seven “dirty words” is also strictly forbidden: (only parts of
words can be heard) cock, slut, fuck, shit, cunt, cum, asshole!’
MOHAI Thanks for the brief. Could you tell us a little about this
super-wicked-magic TV?
FÁBIÁN Samsung, 150x100 cm. I just hang it on the wall like a Picasso.
MOHAI And how much did you splurge on this digital Picasso?
FÁBIÁN You’re not really asking me this, are you?
MOHAI How in hell did you rake in all that dough?
FÁBIÁN Inheritance. I keep inheriting.
MOHAI Inheritance? How come I never inherit anything? How come
I’m a loser, a wanker, a nobody compared to you?
FÁBIÁN Because of your sad and unfortunate childhood?
MOHAI True. You know how my father woke me every morning? He
flicked a burning cigarette butt in my face. ‘Rise and shine,
scumbag!’ (the ‘Chipmunks’ sing a wake-up song)
FÁBIÁN Poor Mohai.
MOHAI Peachy, yeah. But you, Fábián, you weren’t always like this.
FÁBIÁN Like what?
MOHAI I remember when you used to write mournful poems about
autumn leaves.
FÁBIÁN I did what?
MOHAI Honey-sweet words dripped from your tongue. You fell for a
library-science major (a fall and yelp are heard) – ‘my heart
will go ooooon!’ – and you wept hot tears of unrequited love
on my shoulder in the students’ café.
FÁBIÁN Are you finished?
MOHAI You pored over Heidegger and Marcuse in gloomy window
seats – you unshaven urban guerilla.
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FÁBIÁN F*ck! (half of the word is beeped out)
MOHAI I dunno, Fábián, if we chipped away at the surface, I’ll bet
you’re still the boy you once were, you’re just embarrassed!
FÁBIÁN You can get off my case now.
MOHAI (in a different voice) And let’s not forget about Groupie, who is
with us here in the studio today as always! (bubbling sound) Our
friend Groupie, flapping her fins and swishing her tail in her fab
aquarium, ready for fun, inspiring us on this red letter day to
bring you a frisky and bubbly show, here, on the most trendy
radio in town! And we’ve got some good news! One… no… two
faithful listeners… um… who exactly? Dodie…
DODIE (on the phone) That’s me! Hey!
FÁBIÁN …and Sausage!
MOHAI Dodie and Sausage!
SAUSAGE (on the phone) Hi Petey, Zsolti!
MOHAI Two of our faithful listeners, once again offer their services
to LostCauses Remixed on this April Fools’ Day.
DODIE Hurrah for April Fools’ Day!
SAUSAGE Hey Dodie, my man! Hurrah, hurrah, hurrah!
MOHAI Send us your ideas, ‘cause these two guys, Dodie and…
FÁBIÁN Sausage!
MOHAI Dodie and Sausage… and little miss Zoe…
ZOE (in the studio) Thanks boys!
MOHAI …are ready to play April Fools’ pranks all over the city.
DODIE Is pretty little Zoe there too?
ZOE Hi, Dodie, honey!
MOHAI April First or What You Will… get your text messages in!
Oh yeah! But first….
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(music)
Plasma Rap
Plasma fever in the city

All that’s useful or a pity

All that’s flat and all that’s round

Plasmas large and small abound.

’Neath plasma sky and plasma moon

a hundred trolls do gaily croon

Plasma tunes through plasma nights

ordered, paid with plasma cards.
You’re plasma by night

You’re plasma by day

Plasma girls, plasma boys, together they play

Plasma channels they’re flicking

On plasma TVs they’re watching

They talk Plasmaese

With plasma ghosts if you please.
Chorus:
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Oozing like hot magma

Honey sweet you know

Everywhere it’s plasma

Anywhere you go.

This is the plasma ball

The razma tazma ball

The plasma, plasma ball...
Scene 2.
Kitchen. Father and daughter. Bori eats, Balla watches. Ace Radio is heard in the
background (the show from the beginning). The tableware rattles and tinkles.
BALLA How’s breakfast?

BORI Fine. Can I have something to drink?
BALLA Milk? OJ? Water?
BORI Water.
Balla pours, Bori drinks.
BALLA Is all your homework done?

BORI Yeah.
BALLA Look over your notes before class. You got everything in
your book bag?
BORI Daddy, they need your occupation for a form in school.
What’s your occupation?
BALLA (pause) Goods conveyor. Tell them that: goods conveyor.
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BORI What’s that?
BALLA You’ll be late. Hurry up!
BORI What’s that?
BALLA (pulls a jar on the table towards him) You had the jam before,
now I have it. It means something different if it’s here, and
something totally different if it’s there. Understand? The location
of the jam is very important. Perhaps the most important. That’s
goods conveying. (slides the jam back)
BORI Oh.
BALLA Now off to the bathroom. Brush your teeth!
BORI (pleading) Daddy?!
BALLA Hurry up now, let’s go!
(A door closes. Bori stands in the bathroom. She lights a joint. Water running.)
BORI I open the tap so Dad’ll hear the water. I wet the toothbrush.
He checks everything. Everything. Even though he’s just a
number: he’s number 856317… I spot Mimi in the mirror.
She’s in a white skirt and her wings are drooping. She’s
always sad because she died and got stuck as a child. She
can’t see colors, shapes, she can’t hear music. She just feels
numbers, sees numbers, hears numbers. I’m a number to her
too. I am number one. She loves me because I am number
one. She gave me flowers for my birthday. For me, they’re
scent, color, form… for her: numbers. I opened the window
and scattered all the dried, wilted numbers out onto the
muddy street… (the words begin to echo) Mimi thinks Dad is
lonely, his life is empty. Death would be a relief to him. Mimi,
you’re bad, I’m scared of you! And she says: if you don’t set
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the house on fire, he’ll be your husband, and you’ll be your
baby’s mother and sister at the same time. (Balla: Are you
done yet?) Dad notices the fake teeth brushing. He yells. And
I say to myself: you’re such a bad, bad boy! If I want to
annoy him, I say mushy instead of mushroom and ban-anna
instead of banana. (Balla: How much longer?) The toothpaste
is yucky in my mouth. Ptui! (spits) I spit it out. I hate it, I
hate mint.
BORI (the sound of a bag zipped up) Daddy! What’s in your bag?
BALLA (flustered) Nothing. Tools, papers for my work.
BORI Daddy?
BALLA What?
BORI Someone came into my room at dawn.
BALLA Did you have a bad dream?
BORI His eyes were sewed up. He didn’t have any eyes, just these
sewed-up lines.
BALLA What? … My God! Let’s go, come on! We’ll be late.
(bubbling sounds)
Scene 3.
Ace Radio jingle. The radio studio with the two DJs. Music plays softly in the
background.
MOHAI This day is just perfect for pulling pranks.

FÁBIÁN The news on Psycho TV says that someone’s climbed up onto
Freedom Bridge again to commit suicide.
MOHAI But don’t go there! Stay where you are! Or if you do go, don’t
leave your radios behind. Stay tuned to us, because LostCauses
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Remixed is gonna be more awesome than ever before! On April
Fool’s Day we’re gonna turn the whole city – no! – the whole
country, the whole world upside down!
FÁBIÁN Our number is 06-50-355-15-74. Sock it to us, kids! Let’s
hear those wild ideas. Our ‘Cub Scouts’ can hardly wait to
play some pranks! Dodie and Sausage are out there, ready
and willing! Drop us your Easter jokes too, ‘cause Easter’s
right around the corner! (an Easter poem chanted by men, a
splash, and an annoyed woman screeching)
MOHAI More news from Freedom Bridge! Our suicidal friend
announced that he’s gonna count to 100 and then it’s splash!
(the bash of an impact is heard) The suspense is nearly
palpable! And we keep you in the eye of the hurricane the
whole time, bringing you events up close and personal. (radio
jingle, then the sounds of a busy street) Hello? Hello? (switch
to a faltering tone) Hello. Yes. It’s me. (back to regular voice)
Dear Mr. Self-Destruct, I’d like to ask you, here and now,
while our listeners have their ears peeled, what
considerations led you to put your life on the line… bzzzt
bzzzt bzzzt… hello? Hello? Hello? (switching back and forth
from his own voice to the voice of the suicidal man) Yes. Hello.
I understand the question, and I would like to clear up a
misunderstanding. I did not come here to do away with
myself. Nor did I come to draw attention to myself. Anyone
who knows me will tell you that I’m no show-off. But I
simply could not sit idly and watch the continued scheming of
media officials, leading world standard super radios like Ace
Radio to receive almost no funding! Thanks to hard-hearted
trustees, for years Ace Radio’s had to keep on the air with
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only a thinly trickling endowment. I’d like to point out this
appalling injustice from up here. This is why I’ve brought a
banner along, so I can tell the whole world… bzzzt… (back to
original voice) Hello?! Looks like we lost him. But we’ve got
our on-location correspondent on the other line. Hi, Géza,
can you see a banner up there? (nudges Fábián to respond)
FÁBIÁN (distorted voice) Yes, I can! It reads: ‘Drip more honey on the
lips of Ace FM!’ (applause, cheering)
MOHAI ‘Drip more honey on the lips of Ace FM!’ And the crowd
goes wild. Thundering applause. The masses rush towards
the Parliament. Their eyes are wide, glowing with the hopes
of a new world order, in which justice and equality are not
just empty slogans! And we have a caller! Hello, hello!
DICKIE (on the phone) Hi! I’ve got an idea. An April Fools’ joke.
MOHAI What’s your name?
DICKIE (slight embarrassed silence) Dickie.
FÁBIÁN Dickie! You’re on the air! Let’s hear it! An April Fools’ joke.
DICKIE My friend’s wife just gave birth. They came home from the
hospital today. How about you call my friend, in the name of
the hospital, and say, sorry but we got it mixed up. I mean,
the baby. That the baby they took home isn’t theirs but
somebody else’s. Tell them to take it back to the hospital and
trade it in for their own.
FÁBIÁN Awesome idea, but…
MOHAI That’s what you get for taking your baby home on April
first! I like it!
FÁBIÁN Isn’t it a bit too wacked?
DICKIE He’s a good guy. He’ll get the joke. No problem.
FÁBIÁN Honest?
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DICKIE Yeah.
MOHAI Give us his number then, okay? Let’s take a quick news
break, and we’ll be right back!
Scene 4.
ZOE Several news agencies have reported that Professor Ochuki,

world-famous scientist and illusionist, arrived to our country
this morning on a regularly scheduled Tokyo-Budapest
flight. The professor has thrilled and awed the big cities of
the world with his shows and experiments. Professor Ochuki,
as he himself claims, is able to feel a given community’s cores
of stimulus.
OCHUKI (airport interview, Ochuki speaks with a Japanese accent) Eef I
subject zeese coles wiz de bio-erectlonic shock-telapy, ze
peopor wir expelience a moment of glace end wir be leady to
change, to become bettel, smalter, more beautifur.
ZOE Professor Ochuki has been accused of practicing black and
white magic, of quackery, of generating panic, and of the
illegal use of mass hypnosis. But the compelling results
silence all doubters and critics. Brightness, tranquility, and
happiness follow in the wake of Professor Ochuki
everywhere. You’ve heard the Budapest newscast for the
hour. (jingle)
Scene 5.
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A couple at home with their newborn: the baby gurgles as the wife bathes the child.
She talks to the baby during the entire scene.
FÁBIÁN (over the phone) Good afternoon! I’d like to speak to Szabolcs
Ritter.
RITTER Speaking.
FÁBIÁN I’m Dr. Keve from the Bakáts Square hospital. Your wife
gave birth the day before yesterday, if I’m correct?
RITTER Yes.
FÁBIÁN First of all, let me offer my congratulations.
RITTER Thank you.
FÁBIÁN I suppose the family’s very proud.
RITTER Yes.
FÁBIÁN You left the hospital this morning with little… er… What’s
the baby’s name?
RITTER Fanny.
FÁBIÁN Fanny – a lovely name, good choice. Once again, please
accept my congratulations.
RITTER Thank you.
FÁBIÁN Er… um… this is not the only reason I called. Er… It seems
that there’s been a teensy-weensy little mix-up.
RITTER Pardon me?
FÁBIÁN Unfortunately, we suspect that your baby has been… The
way things look at the moment, it appears that the baby
was… er… you know.
RITTER What?
FÁBIÁN Don’t panic now. What happened is that by accident…
totally completely by accident… at least it seems that you
took home someone else’s baby instead of yours. So the baby
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you have there isn’t little Fanny, but… but… let’s see, ah yes,
it really makes no difference, but yes, she is little Gladys. Not
Fanny, but Gladys! Not much difference really, but there is
the possibility that…
RITTER What are you talking about?
FÁBIÁN Sometimes a pebble snags even the most perfect machinery.
A glitch in the paperwork, you know, the files get mixed up
and so um… you know.
RITTER Who is this?
FÁBIÁN I’m Dr. Keve, director of the Bakáts Square hospital. I know
this might not be easy at first. It’s hard to understand that
such things even occur at all. But the thing is, your baby,
little Fanny, is still here in the maternity ward. The baby you
have there, the one you took home as your own, well… that’s
somebody else’s. That’s little Theresa, er, no, I mean, Gladys,
a different baby, and er… I’d like to request, with the
deepest respect… if possible, let’s try and handle this
discreetly, as it is an uncomfortable situation for both of us.
Bring the baby back, and you’ll get your own, the original
one. When you arrive, tell the doorman a kind of code word,
so unauthorized persons don’t get wind of the situation. The
doorman is informed. He will understand and will escort you
to my office. So let’s say the code is… ‘we’re delivering the
kumquat.’ Okay? That’s what you’ll need to say to the
doorman downstairs, we’re delivering the kumquat, and he’ll
know what to do. I’ll be expecting you then! Good-bye! (he
hangs up, the phone beeps)
RITTER Hello? Hello?!
(bubbling)
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Scene 6.
Two chicks in a café. Ace FM is turned on in the background.
RÉKA Lookie! You seen this before?

BORI What’s that?
RÉKA Glow-in-the-dark nail polish.
BORI Your nails are gonna glow?
RÉKA Yeah. The drugstore lady says to me that they put the stuff
from a hundred fireflies into this little bottle. (polishes her
two little fingers) Oooh, sticky!
BORI Fireflies?
RÉKA Yeah. Totally organic.
BORI Looks awesome.
(They are served. They stir their coffees.)
RÉKA Thank you. (moans) But otherwise I’m totally stressed out.
BORI What’s wrong?
RÉKA You know. My boyfriend, Vida! That I, like, wanna go out
dancing, and he doesn’t like dancing and won’t come
dancing with me.
BORI You’re a bad match. He’s too serious.
RÉKA Yeah. It’s always meetings and marketing and you know that
wall climbing or whatever fucking sport, and pudding in bed.
On Sundays.
BORI Wall climbing?
RÉKA Y’know, he does this wall climbing sport. You gotta see his
muscles, babe. Tight as a rope, y’know? His whole body’s,
like, all tone and no flesh, get what I’m sayin’? He looks
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totally like this Greek God or something. That’s what Vida’s
like. Sure, he’s sexy, I didn’t say he wasn’t sexy, but he is
totally un-sexy when he’s being a couch potato and if I dare
say a word, we’re at each other’s throats in like five minutes.
We argue, like, all the time. But still, I’ve got a place for him
right here in my heart. Even when I feel like whacking an ax
into his forehead, as hard as I can, like.
BORI How long have you been dating?
RÉKA Something like… a couple of years.
BORI And the problem is he doesn’t dance.
RÉKA He’s a total stiff!
BORI Stiff?
RÉKA A stiff. Girls just wanna have fun, y’know? Dancing,
laughing. And his pals are all so serious and brainy. It’s
always shop-talk and politics and wall climbing. You say a
single word and it’s something dumb for sure!
BORI Or like, they make fun of your new nail polish.
RÉKA Yeah. And he, like, likes to sit around with his buddies
yapping for hours. I can’t like, sit and yap. It drives me
crazy, you know, it’s so dull, and like when he tells me to be
more intelligent and cultivated. Cultivated my ass. I can’t
cultivate myself. I don’t want to cultivate myself. I’m young,
I wanna live. Not cultivate myself. What does he think I am?
I can’t just sit on my butt for five hours straight and cultivate
myself. And yap. Why, can you?
BORI Well, I like to sometimes. I think I like to do that, like, sit
around like that, like them, the way you said.
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RÉKA He’s all yours.
BORI Huh?
RÉKA I’ll let you have him. Okay?
BORI How can you say that, Réka?
RÉKA Did you blush?
BORI I did not blush.
RÉKA You blushed! You blushed!
BORI No!
RÉKA Take him! He’s yours. Let him bore you to death!
Scene 7.
Radio jingle. Bubbling. The radio studio and a caller from the street. They’re ON THE
AIR.
FÁBIÁN Ring-a-ding-ding! That’s the phone!

MOHAI We’ve got a caller! Hello?
CALLER 1 Hey! I think you guys are being real jerks.
MOHAI Why are we being jerks on April Fools’ Day? Tell us!
FÁBIÁN We take care of them.
CALLER 1 You take care of them, huh?
MOHAI Sure.
CALLER 1 How do you take care of them?! All you wanna do is (beep)
f*ck with their minds!
MOHAI Hey, the media offers protection from all horrors and evils.
CALLER 1 I think you two are the evil ones.
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FÁBIÁN I suggest we ask Groupie, our little Groupie. (burble) She
always knows the answers to complex questions. Groupie,
honey, (burble) which is the most absolutely, totally,
incredibly trendy show on earth? (radio jingle) She says: it’s
obvious. LostCauses Remixed!
MOHAI Hallelujah!
FÁBIÁN You still here?
CALLER 1 Who is Groupie?
FÁBIÁN Groupie is the world’s most intelligent goldfish.
CALLER 1 Listen up! You guys suck. You suck and you’re dangerous!
FÁBIÁN I don’t know who you are, but here and now, you can tell us
your most secret desire. You can confess the worst crime
you’ve ever committed. Or you can show us, for example,
what sounds you make when, in the heat of passion, you offer
a sacrifice on the altar of the goddess of love… (a woman
cries out)
CALLER 1 Huh?
FÁBIÁN Nothing. Forget it! I cast my pearls before swine, scatter
sesame seeds on horse dung. Excuuuse me!
CALLER 1 Hey, listen, dude! Listen up!
FÁBIÁN What?
CALLER 1 Listen! You’re talking horse dung, but I’m tellin’ ya, you’re
eyes are gonna (beep) sh*t blood! You’re finished, ya hear,
you’re a goner! You’re a dead man. The reaper’s got your
number. Ya hear me, kid?
FÁBIÁN Oh, my god!
CALLER 1 You’re a dead man.
FÁBIÁN Oh, come on!
MOHAI Yet another psycho.
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Fábián and Mohai emit inarticulate noises, wheezing and gurgling, as if suffocating,
blood splattering, etc.
MOHAI Hello? Hello? I think we lost him.
FÁBIÁN Oooh, what a shame. Hey, listen Mohai, someday we should
organize an orgasm-sound competition.
MOHAI What?
FÁBIÁN An orgasm-sound competition. (a woman cries out) The
listeners vote and we’ll give the winner a gift certificate to a
brothel.
MOHAI Wouldn’t that be pushing it?
FÁBIÁN No.
MOHAI People are prudes.
FÁBIÁN Used to be.
MOHAI Okay, let’s put this project on hold for now.
FÁBIÁN Don’t you believe in it?
MOHAI You wanna know my opinion?
FÁBIÁN Yes.
MOHAI No.
FÁBIÁN Let’s move into some music then.
Music...
Mohai and Fábián get up, light cigarettes, and stretch. They are OFF THE AIR.
FÁBIÁN What do I have waiting for me at home? Huh, huh, huh?
MOHAI Er… so what does this plasma-thingie do?
FÁBIÁN Is that a question? Samsung. 150x100cm screen. DNIE-
display technology, HDTV, DVD, and PC compatibility, the
SK is PMP 70, PMR data transmission, 40+ DRAFT, a 6K
plex cloned into a 01 maxi and its THKML has VRR
sensibility, but with a PTRKING factor, so its basically a
kind of PTSIC level with a bit of K67-XTRSI emulsion, if
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you know what I mean, and naturally all this is topped off
with amazing Dolby Digital Surround Sound.
MOHAI Um… Jeez.
FÁBIÁN It’s got it all! Get it? Everything!
MOHAI Hmmm… I’ve just realized something. (Goes back ON THE
AIR, fades the music out, and speaks into the microphone) I’ve
just found out, dear listeners, the true identity of DJ Fábián,
yes, our very own Fábián. Who is this man behind the mask?
I’ve solved the riddle of his personality. I’ve found the key
word. You know what you are?
FÁBIÁN What?
MOHAI A consumer-junkie. A one-dimensional protozoan of the
consumer frenzy living its sad, fragmented existence.
Consumer-junkie.
FÁBIÁN How’s your mother doing these days?
MOHAI No, I’m serious. When was the last time, let’s say, you
surprised yourself by doing something unexpected?
Something that didn’t result in direct benefit to you?
Something that is beautiful for the sake of itself, that
contradicts your interest, your common sense. Something
that isn’t logical, that can’t be predicted. When was the last
time you did something senseless? Something poetic,
something incomprehensible? When was the last time you
improvised, when did you surrender yourself to the whims of
fate?
FÁBIÁN I don’t believe in a person like you, who wears a belt with his
suspenders. Who can’t even trust his own suspenders!
MOHAI (in a persuasive, serious voice) Listen. Let’s be honest, just
this once, before the ears of our listeners. I’m asking you this,
20
Fábián, you, who once wrote poems. When was the last time
you read a poem?
FÁBIÁN Good question.
MOHAI When was the last time you cried over a movie? (each motif is
illustrated with imitating sounds) When was the last time you
deliberately got wet in a summer storm? When was the last
time you imagined what your sleeping sweetheart was
dreaming? When did you watch the fading red blaze of a
sunset? When was the last time you sniffed an orange?
FÁBIÁN You want me to sniff an orange.
MOHAI Yes, because you made that choice freely, without any profit
or calculation.
FÁBIÁN You think I should be sniffing an orange?
MOHAI You really don’t get what I’m ranting on about.
Scene 8.
A dream.
Bubbling. The entrance to a hospital. Mr. and Mrs. Ritter arrive with their baby and
turn to the doorman.
RITTER Good afternoon.

SAUSAGE (as the Doorman) Good afternoon.
MRS. RITTER Good afternoon.
SAUSAGE Good afternoon.
RITTER Uh… We’re delivering the… um…
SAUSAGE Yes?
RITTER (whispering) We’re delivering the…
21
SAUSAGE The…?!
RITTER Kumquat.
SAUSAGE What?
RITTER Kumquat… hehe.
SAUSAGE What? Y’all left this morning.
RITTER Yes.
SAUSAGE Is something wrong?
RITTER (whispering) We’re exchanging it.
SAUSAGE What’s that?
RITTER This one isn’t ours.
MRS. RITTER Ours is still here.
SAUSAGE I see. Put it down there on the bench. I’ll take it up later.
We’ll deliver yours later on.
MRS. RITTER Deliver her? Can’t we have her now?
SAUSAGE We’ll send it by bike courier.
RITTER What?
SAUSAGE Make sure someone’s always at home.
DODIE (as a waiting patient) Hand over the kid. There are others waiting!
RITTER Yours got switched too?
DODIE There’s worse. They switched the mother!
RITTER My God!
DODIE (to Sausage) Which door is mother exchange?
SAUSAGE This lady was first. (turns to Zoe) Baby exchange for you too?
ZOE (as Dodie’s wife) I’d like to discuss this in private.
SAUSAGE We have no time for modesty here, Ma’am.
ZOE The thing is… I have to be exchanged.
SAUSAGE What?
ZOE Yes, ‘cause it turned out that long ago…
SAUSAGE What have you got in your hand?
22
ZOE My baby. I thought if I’m being exchanged, they might need
my baby too.
DODIE What a mess.
SAUSAGE (to Zoe) We’ll figure something out in a minute. For the sake
of simplicity, couldn’t you try and work things out amongst
yourselves?
ZOE What’s yours like? Mine’s a girl, three and a half kilos. I’ll
pay the difference if I have to.
MRS. RITTER I want my own baby.
SAUSAGE I suggest you calculate either by kilo or by centimeter, so you
don’t get mixed up.
MRS. RITTER I want my own baby, not somebody else’s. I’ve already got
somebody else’s!
RITTER It would make things easier, and we might even earn a little
money.
Zoe drops her baby and grabs Mrs. Ritter’s.
ZOE Give her to me! She’s mine!
MRS. RITTER (to Zoe) What are you doing?! Give her back!
ZOE We made a deal! There’s yours!
MRS. RITTER No way! Give her back! Give her back already!
Mrs. Ritter wants to snatch the baby; they tug and wrestle. Ritter joins in and so do the
others. Baby limbs fly through the air. Commotion. Bubbling.
RITTER (awakens as if from underwater) My God!
Scene 9.
The apartment of the trapeze-artist couple. Ritter sleeps and starts awake. The TV is on
in the background. Mrs. Ritter enters upon hearing the cry, the baby in her arms.
23
MRS. RITTER What happened?
RITTER My God! Jesus. I dreamt that… I’m so happy you’re here!
MRS. RITTER Listen honey, now… The thing is that… We have to talk…
(Ritter snuggles up to his wife and attempts to seduce her.)
Not now… Leave me alone. Hold your horses! Listen! I’ve
been meaning to tell you this for a while now… So it’s about
last fall, y’know, when you were in Paris with the circus.
(Ritter kisses her.) Well, one night, Dickie calls me, y’know?
(Ritter keeps kissing her.) C’mon, leave me alone! So like, he
calls me, and like, he was real depressed, and like, he
dropped in and he was totally out of it, saying that he’s never
gonna be with anyone. He’s gonna be alone forever and he
can’t stand it. He just can’t stand it. And it was just awful to
watch, y’know, when you can’t, like, help or anything, and so
I tried to like comfort him and all, and like… and… and…
All of a sudden, I don’t even know how it happened but…
Are you listening?
RITTER I’m listening.
MRS. RITTER I’ve done a lot of thinking during these nine months. You
really are the greatest person I’ve ever met in my life. And I
thank the heavens that I like, like, y’know, met you and all…
But I’ve realized that I don’t regret it. I mean, Dickie,
y’know? ‘Cause you and me, we can’t keep our love story to
ourselves, just like we can’t keep our show to ourselves
either. There’d be no show without the others. Without the
audience. The circus is like that too, that we’re like, for the
others, not for ourselves. Our life with Dickie has gotten so
close over the years. The three of us, we’re kind of like,
y’know, like a family, and…
24
RITTER I ain’t getting your babble, hon.
MRS. RITTER Well, there’s no way I can be any more clear like, y’know?
RITTER Wait a sec! Lemme give it a shot. So what you’re trying to
tell me is… something like… ‘all for one and one for all?’
MRS. RITTER Er, well, something like that… But well, not really. Not quite.
RITTER Then I’m missing some shit here. Why the fuck are we
talking about Dickie?
MRS. RITTER I mean, like, I can’t like, get him out of my head. And I’m
scared that, like, now that the baby’s here, that he’s gonna,
like, do something crazy.
RITTER Okay, wait. You’re starting to get me totally mixed up. So
last year, when I was in Paris with the circus, then you, you
and Dickie… Go on!
MRS. RITTER Yes.
RITTER Yes what?
MRS. RITTER Yes! Last year, you know what I mean, we… I mean, Dickie
and me… Get it?!
RITTER Dickie and you?
MRS. RITTER We were together.
Pause.
RITTER What do you mean ‘were together?’
MRS. RITTER Well like it was kinda like, so… like… Wait, don’t get all
worked up! If you look at me like that I can’t talk. Look
someplace else! Look at the wall! What if we just tried to talk
this whole thing over calmly? Y’know how him and me, how
we look up to you. And his new stunt we’ve all been
rehearsing…
RITTER Yarn and baloney. ‘Dickie and me were together.’ What the
fuck you sayin’? Whatever. I don’t give a flying fuck about
25
Dickie. Last fall or summer or whenever. I couldn’t give a
shit. Whatever.
MRS. RITTER But that’s not everything. (looks at the baby) About the
baby… I’m not exactly sure. I mean, I don’t know. No. (Door
slamming.) She’s innocent. You know that, right? Y’know,
right? Y’know don’cha?
Scene 10.
Radio jingle. The studio. ON THE AIR. Music in the background.
FÁBIÁN Hello?! Mr. Bácskai?

BÁCSKAI (over the phone) Yes?
FÁBIÁN Mr. Bácskai, I’m calling from the studio of Ace Radio. My name
is Petey Fábián. Sitting here next to me is my co-host Zsolti
Mohai.
MOHAI A good afternoon to you.
FÁBIÁN I hope we’ve caught you at a good time, because we’d like to ask
you a few questions about Psycho TV, of which you are the chief
owner. The IRS accuses Psycho TV of economic corruption.
Investigations are being conducted into the case. What steps are
you planning to take in response to these investigations?
BÁCSKAI My opinion with regards to this is that you can suck me off,
Petey (beeping, each time he says a ‘dirty’ word), and so can
Zsolti Mohai along with each and every employee of Ace
Radio. And you suck me off first. Report it like that, okay,
say it like that. Blow me! Quote me directly, just as I said it
on your Ace Radio. All your damn radios can suck all my
cocks. Okay?
26
FÁBIÁN I don’t understand why you are so irate, sir. I posed my
question politely, in a civilized tone.
BÁCSKAI You are polite and civilized. And I tell you, you can suck me
off, Petey, and so can Zsolti Mohai. Broadcast that on Ace
Radio! Suck me long and hard and wet. You and Mohai and
everybody at Ace Radio!
FÁBIÁN But sir! In the 19th year of our democracy…
BÁCSKAI I don’t give a shit about the 19th year of democracy. You
asswipes, you broadcast whatever you want. Can’t you see
I’m fighting with you? That you’ve got a radio, a TV, a press
tryst! What am I fighting with? A shitty TV and still you’re
gonna suck me off! My TV’s gonna have you suck me off
politically, right in the face!
FÁBIÁN We have nothing to do with political shows. We are
concerned exclusively with financial questions and
analyses…
BÁCSKAI Fine, then you can suck me off from an exclusively financial
side, not some other side, you blow me right there. Why? Did
you guys ever report anything about me? My opinion?
Always the opinion of my rivals! Did you ever tell anyone
about me? Ever?
FÁBIÁN I would like to emphasize that my questions are not directed
towards politics.
BÁCSKAI Why? You think they’re gonna let you report anything about
me? About my opinion? You’re gonna report whatever the
hell you want. So now report what I’m saying. Suck me off
Petey, and Zsolti Mohai can suck me off too!
FÁBIÁN I’m afraid the management won’t allow us to broadcast this
conversation.
27
BÁCSKAI How come? ‘Suck’ means to suck on a candy! Get it? Or you
can bleep it out. Bleep-Petey-bleep-Mohai and dot-dot-dot
everybody at Ace Radio and you whole press tryst!
FÁBIÁN Mr. Bácskai! I am asking you about a question in the most
serious manner. I am being honest and respectful here.
BÁCSKAI Enough. I’ve wasted enough time on you cocksuckers! Blow
me! Now buzz off!
Scene 11.
The two chicks still in the café. Ace Radio is on in the background.
RÉKA Alright. I’ll tell you. I can’t stay bottled up anymore. It’s
over! Vida and I ended it this morning. We broke up. He
beat me up. And how! He just kept hitting and hitting me
with those ropey arms. No one’s ever beat me up that hard,
ever. He hit me, my head, back, chest, arms, legs. He beat me
wherever he could reach.
BORI Good God!
RÉKA But don’t you worry! I hit him right back. And then he
comes an hour later lookin’ like a sad puppy and says he’s
made a pot of coffee. And don’t take it so serious ‘cause it
happens in nice families too. He was only mad ‘cause I’m
important to him. ‘Let’s have a heart to heart.’ ‘With you?
Never!’ I says. ‘Never, you stupid jerk!’ ‘Oh yeah,’ he says.
‘Fine. Two can play this game.’ And he says he’s gonna climb
up on the bridge, ‘cause he wanted to try it out anyway one
last time, you know, for wall climbing, and then he’s gonna
28
jump. ‘Then it’ll really be over!’ he says. Come on! Is he nuts
or what?
BORI But how did it start? Why did he beat you up?
RÉKA How, how? The usual. He’s sitting around watching game
shows. Whatever, I says, I ain’t gonna beg you to spend some
quality time with me. Enough, he says, he’s going to the club
to work out. You know he’s got try-outs coming up for the
spring Spartakiad, he’s got practice every day, on weekends
too. Awesome! I get to stay home and stare at the wall. You
think I’m gonna spend my whole youth staring at the
wallpaper because of the fucking spring Spartakiad? Naw,
man. No way Jose! So I call Traci. Y’know, my friend from
aerobics. And I call her and we go down to the Dock Club.
And there, at Dock, there’s this hunk… you know. Hank!
BORI Hank?
RÉKA You know him?
BORI Nope.
RÉKA Well, I know him by sight, you know? He’s got these
gorgeous blue eyes. One look and I’m putty in his fingers.
Oooh! And he wears these skin-tight clothes, y’know, and
he’s got this amazing hairdo. He goes to that stylist… Hey,
he’s got hair just like yours.
BORI Who, Hank?
RÉKA Yeah.
BORI I’ve got a guy’s ‘do?
RÉKA No, he’s got a girl’s ‘do. Whatever. I was in my low-cut silk
dress. I shook my bootie, swayed my hips. He asks me to
dance. We start to dance… like this. Kinda like this
(demonstrates), in this style, get it? And he like, puckered his
29
lips and snapped his fingers. It was kinda weird at first, but
then this song came on, you know, the one that goes lova lova
lova, and then I started my moves, and he bent over
backwards. Lova lova lova… And then he like, came up real
close and started to shake his hand like up-ways kinda! Lova
lova lova… and I did this…he grabbed my waist… and he
started to like, toss me around. But he was real close and
then this other song came, you know the one that goes,
pootsie pootsie pootsie! But real romantic-like. And then he
leaned real close… Ooooh…Anyway, the gist is that me and
Hank had a super time. We danced for like three hours or
something. I was a little tipsy and he says let’s dance some
more. And we danced. But the funny thing was… nothing
happened. Then he walked me home, we joked around, but
kinda like pals. Y’know I wouldn’t have minded if he’d’a
made a pass at me ‘cause Vida… he drives me up the wall
sometimes…
BORI He’s a stiff.
RÉKA A stiff, yeah. Poor kid! He goes home after wall climbing, and
I’m nowhere. He calls me, I’m switched off. I come home at
6AM, drunk. Man, you should have heard him yell. Then he
beat me up. Then he says he’s gonna off himself. But don’t
worry, it’s just the usual talk. Still, there was something
weird. Before he left, he says to me, ‘I love you. Write it
down on a slip of paper and put it in your purse for hard
times. “Les loves you.”’ Ah, he’ll find a nice big wall for
himself and climb up and down until he gets it out of his
system.
BORI And what if he really does jump?
30
RÉKA Naw… So whaddaya say? I go into the drugstore to buy
foundation and I come out with glow-in-the-dark nail polish.
Two-thousand forints. It’s totally worth it. One hundred
fireflies for two thousand. That means that one firefly is…
is… um… that’s uh… Ten fireflies divided by… uh…
BORI Are you trying to count?
RÉKA If one hundred is… um… then one is…
BORI Twenty.
RÉKA Twenty forints! That’s it! Did I count right? Damn straight.
What a total bargain. One bug for twenty! Real cheap! Do
you think it survives the de-lighting? (presents her nails)
Well, how’re my nails?
BORI Mmmm.
RÉKA (inspects her nails) It doesn’t even glow.
So that’s the situation. Whaddaya say? Tonight I’ll pick up a
new guy, who’s got the good qualities of both.
BORI The ideal guy.
RÉKA Yeah. Smart like Vida, and a good dancer like Hank.
Bubbling.
Scene 12.
The sounds of a bus station in the background. Sausage’s monologue.
SAUSAGE I think I’d better get lost… I’ll leave an explanation on my

phone… about what happened… And why I think it’s better
if I disappear for a while… If something should happen to
me.
31
What happened? This radio host suggested – oh, right, Ace
Radio, one-oh-one point one-oh-one FM – and we were right
outside a McDonald’s, and then one of the radio guys, I don’t
know if it was Zsolt Mohai or Petey Fábián, whichever, and
they said, pull an April Fools’ prank. Go inside. ‘Hello there.
You mind answering some questions?’ Fake ID, police,
homicide division, Lieutenant Culambo, ‘cause a crime
occurred in the rear parking lot. ‘Did you perchance see
anything suspicious?’ ‘No,’ the kid says but he’ll inform the
boss. In the meantime the radio guys are telling us to walk
around in back, hands behind our backs. Like you’re lost in
thought, like you’re really investigating hardcore, racking
your brains about where the murderer might be lurking. So
we’re pacing like detectives. The boss comes out. ‘Captain
Kollár,’ I say. ‘There was a murder in the rear parking lot
and someone came in here recently that resembles the
culprit. Have you seen anything suspicious?’ One of the radio
guys is telling me over the phone to pretend it’s him. Mess
with him! Describe him, as if he looked like the killer, okay?
‘The culprit had ah… short black hair, was about 180 tall…
Pardon me, but, how tall are you?’ ‘Me?’ ‘You.’ ‘177.’ ‘I
see…’ He’s our man. ‘How late did you work last night?’
‘Till midnight.’ Was he in the parking lot? ‘Were you in the
parking lot last night?’ ‘I park there.’ ‘He parks there,’ I
report into the phone, as if I were talking to the chief
inspector. ‘What should we do, chief?’ He says, bring him
down to the station! ‘Okay. Could you come with us down to
the station?’ ‘The station?’ ‘Yeah. The station.’ ‘I guess.’
We’ll question him! He’ll be the first prisoner of Ace Radio!
32
‘Can I get my stuff first?’ he asks. ‘Sure. We’ll wait right
here. Go ahead.’ This is enough, says Dodie. We can’t
squeeze any more out of it. But the radio guys, Petey and
Zsolti, are urging us to keep going. Saying we’ll make radio
history. Follow through with it. Don’t be a sissy-boy! Sissy-
boy? Dodie says he’s no sissy, but it’s easy to give orders
from over there. And as we’re arguing, the boss comes out
with these two security guards. Two bald refrigerators, you
know? Sweet Mary and Joseph! The kind of guys who are
like: ‘haul ass outa here ‘cause I’ll piss you in half like a
snowman.’ My heart’s in my throat, I start to turn into jelly,
the earth opens beneath my feet. If I’d’a had a bag, I
would’ve stuck my head into it. I glance at Dodie. He’s red
and pale at the same time. I squeak into the phone, ‘They
wanna see our ID.’ In the meantime, one baldy blocks the
doorway… and then suddenly, something flashes outside on
the street. A camera flash or reflective glass, I dunno. And
then I had a moment of clarity. I placed my hand,
weightlessly, on the arm of the baldy nearest me, and pointed
to the street where the afternoon traffic was flowing by. And
I say to him, smiling: ‘Psycho TV candid camera! You’re
gonna be on TV! Congratulations!’ He looks at the boss with
a silly expression. I say, ‘Come on! The crew’s outside.’ ‘You
guys are from TV?’ the boss asks. ‘Sure, TV! April Fools’!’
Nice and slow, without a hint of hurry, we start outside,
pointing towards the supposed hidden cameras. Then, when
we step outside, I look at Dodie. He spurts off to the right, I
go left, but like madmen…
33
Well, that’s what happened… I’m leaving the phone here in
the baggage safe… The key is in my pocket… Fuck you
people…
Bubbling.
Scene 13.
Studio. Music. ON THE AIR..
MOHAI You’re listening to the hosts of Ace Radio, one-oh-one-point-

one-oh-one on your FM dial. This is LostCauses Remixed.
FÁBIÁN Ace Radio one-oh-one point one-oh-one FM!
MOHAI And we’ve got a text message. (the beep of a text message) It
says: O.T. in Dorog. I’ve been tuned to you for a month
straight. I wanna request Radio Gaga by Queen or Plasma
Rap by Plasma.
Thanks O.T. in Dorog. Just ask and we’ll fulfill your
requests, but we could be lying and might not fulfill any
requests at all!
FÁBIÁN Another text message: time for Easter bunny trivia!
MOHAI Let’s hear it!
FÁBIÁN How come I found bits of excrement on the bike the Easter
bunny brought me last year? (illustrative sound)
MOHAI What? Read that again!
FÁBIÁN Ciao! I’ve got a question concerning Easter. How come I
found bits of excrement on the bike the Easter bunny
brought me last year? (illustrative sound) What does the
Easter bunny do?
34
TOGETHER It lays! (illustrative sound)
MOHAI That’s right! Oh, yeah! Today we’re being much bigger jerks
and being a tad funnier than usual. But that’s okay. Today
it’s free for all. We are Dumb and Dumber (laughing) the
good ol’ boys of humor. And now: tunes? Something to turn
your brains into pancake batter!
FÁBIÁN And what else could we play after that joke? Well? Oh yes!
The Poopy Song by Flaccid Karma!
(music)
The Poopy Song
In Poopyland the Poopy Prince upon his thorone is sitting

His poopy daughter Poopy Polly for spending money begging

Poopy dance, poopy dance, for spending money begging.

Chorus:
Poop the poopy in the potty, poopy hopping, poopy trotting,

Poop the poopy in the potty.
In Poopyland, on piles of poopy, a poopy castle can be found

Poopy miner, poop is mining on his cart brown coal he’s mined

Poopy dance, poopy dance, on his cart brown coal he’s mined.

Chorus:
35

Poopy morning, poopy day, from poopy bed he’s on his way

On poopy feet his shoes he throws, and quickly off to school he goes.

Poopy dance, poopy dance and quickly off to school he goes.

Chorus:

Teacher knows the reason why, poopy question, poop reply

Student didn’t know his stuff, didn’t study hard enough

Poopy dance, poopy dance didn’t study hard enough.

Chorus:
Poop the poopy in the potty, poopy hopping, poopy trotting

Piles of poopy is the ration from Poopyland’s pooped generation

What silly thoughts reign on the throne, in a brain where no one’s home.

Poopy dance, poopy dance in a brain where no one’s home.

36
Chorus:
Poop the poopy in the potty, poopy hopping, poopy trotting

Scene 14.
Radio jingle. Studio. ON THE AIR.
MOHAI That felt goood!

FÁBIÁN Yes, that was The Poopy Song by Flaccid Karma. Your two hosts
on LostCauses Remixed are here to serve and entertain! And
we’ve got a caller! Hello?
BALLA (calling from Mohai’s apartment) Hello? I’d like to report an
April Fools’ prank in the making.
FÁBIÁN Okay, but if it’s not funny enough, you get today’s Lemon
Prize! (audience gasping)
BALLA At this very moment, I’m filet-ing an apartment.
FÁBIÁN What’s that you’re doing? (turns to Mohai) What did he say?
MOHAI He says: he’s filet-ing an apartment. Taking the bones out.
FÁBIÁN Filet of apartment? So you’re saying that you’re a…
MOHAI B and E man.
FÁBIÁN Breaking and entering! That’s it. A burglar, a robber…
BALLA Goods conveyor. Let’s use the term, goods conveyor.
FÁBIÁN Goods conveyor. Awesome! So you claim to be standing in
someone else’s apartment and…
BALLA Yup.
FÁBIÁN Fantastic. And what kind of goods are you conveying, if I
may ask?
BALLA My favorite piece is a TV.
37
FÁBIÁN A TV! And aren’t you scared the tenant’s gonna come home?
BALLA The tenant is definitely not coming home.
FÁBIÁN No? How can you be so sure?
MOHAI And anyway, why should we believe you are a burglar?
BALLA I can prove it.
FÁBIÁN Oh yeah? How?
BALLA That’s the joke. The April Fools’ prank!
Balla hangs up. Beeping.
FÁBIÁN Hello? Hello?!
MOHAI He hung up.
FÁBIÁN Oh hell! That’s my number! Shit.
MOHAI What?
FÁBIÁN Naw, naw, man! I can’t believe it. He was calling from my
apartment. My TV. Oh God, my TV! (he jumps up, hollering)
He’s gonna swipe my TV! (he throws off his headphones and
dashes out)
Fábián runs. Sounds of heavy breathing, gasping, running, traffic, sirens, music.
Scene 15.
Fábián runs up the steps and finds himself face to face with Balla in the stairwell.
Balla holds the flat screen TV in his hands.
FÁBIÁN Hey! Relax, dude, okay! Put my TV down over there, nice
and easy, okay? By the elevator door. Then you can go. (he
steps closer. Balla lifts the TV over his head.)
BALLA One more step and I’ll fuckin’ smash it!
FÁBIÁN What did you say?!
38
Fábián is about to lunge, but a mysterious voice is heard…
OCHUKI (with a Japanese accent, transcendental sounds) Fábián!
Fábián! When was ze rast time you deed somesing
unexpected? Somesing that contladicts youl common sense.
Somesing that eesn’t rogicar, that can’t be pledicted. When
was ze rast time you deed somesing poetic, somesing
incomplehensibre? When did you sullendel youlself to ze
whims of fate? Fábián! Plove zat you are a flee man!
FÁBIÁN My TV! My TV!
OCHUKI Let heem take eet! Ribelate youlserf! Zat is ze gleatest
laptule!
FÁBIÁN No way! (He is about to attack Balla.)
OCHUKI Fábián! You don’t need zat TV. Zat TV ees ze symbor of
youl sravely. Change youl life. Be youlserf. Be flee! Be honest
man!
(The sound of the elevator door slamming and the elevator descending…
Fábián stands in a delirious trance. His cell phone rings. It is Mohai, calling from the
studio.)
Scene 16.
Fábián alone in the stairwell.
MOHAI Well, what’s going on?

FÁBIÁN You were right. This really is amazing!
MOHAI What?
FÁBIÁN It’s just incredible. He was standing right there. I could have
killed him.
MOHAI You’re on the air. Talk to me! So? Did you get him?
39
FÁBIÁN No.
MOHAI No?
FÁBIÁN I chose freedom.
MOHAI You did what?
FÁBIÁN I let him take it.
MOHAI Your… TV?
FÁBIÁN Yes.
MOHAI You let him take the spanking new, supersonic TV you
bought for half a million? Aw, naw, man… No, no, no.
You’re kidding right? I’m not biting! No way! You’re
messing with me, right? You are! I know you! You’re
showing off! Where are you now? Are you coming down to
the station?
FÁBIÁN No. I’m going up to Gellért Hill to watch the sundown.
MOHAI My God.
Bubbling.
Scene 17.
Sounds of a shower. Dickie’s monologue.
DICKIE We’re standing face to face on the trapeze. He says: Jaeger

somersault with a full twist. I nod. He swings. Hepp! I
somersault through the air. He catches me. Now we’re
standing next to each other. It seems he’s panting too hard.
He swings back to his place. Now it’s my turn, says Ritter. I
swing. Hepp! I yell. He swings. Somersault. I catch him. He
announces the next stunt: giga-twist with two somersaults.
What? That’s crazy! We’ve hardly practiced it. And then, to
40
top it off, he calls down to the floor: Drop the net. I can’t
believe my ears. A janitor walked by. He let the safety net
down. He pressed the button, a click, and the net fell to the
floor. The dust flew up. This is suicide. I’ll go first, he says. I
concentrate. I lunge. Hepp! I yell. He lunges, flies through the
air, I catch him. We’re standing on the trapeze. He says: you
were late. Too late, Dickie! He says I gave the signal too late.
Then he swings back and says: now you! This is a showdown.
That’s when I understand that he knows everything. He
knows about Éva. This is why we’re doing this. A fight to the
death. He’s about to lunge when Éva appears at the door of
the arena with the baby. Dickie! Szabolcs! Have you lost your
minds? she screams. Without the net? We ignore her. Ready,
Dickie? he asks. I nod. He lunges and reaches the point of no
return. Hepp! I lunge, fly through the air. I put my life in his
hands. (pause, the shower stops) Then, later, we’re standing
next to each other in the shower, drying off. I ask: did she tell
you? He steps closer. That little prank with the hospital, he
asks, was that your idea? I don’t explain, don’t make
excuses. I stand in front of him like a prodigal son. At his
mercy, begging for forgiveness. (the sound of an impact) A
light bulb burns out with a pop in the shower. That’s when
he stops. Éva’s outside waiting by the snack bar. I walk out
as is, bloody and black-eyed. She just stares at me. She can’t
say a word. And then I see her. I step closer and lean over.
My God, she’s beautiful! Can I hold her? I take the baby
from her arms, mesmerized. I embrace the bundle of soft
warmth. (baby crying) I hug her and I can almost hear what
she’s thinking…
41
Scene 18.
(the sound of a heartbeat in the womb… the baby’s distorted voice…)
NEWBORN BABE The smell of soap and blood. Like when I was born. If I’m
not swaddled tight, my arms and legs squirm in the air. The
best part is when I get massaged.
I know everything ahead of time. For a while, I see events
before they happen. Then I forget them because the memory-
code of my brain changes. It doesn’t fit with the newborn
memory any more. But for now, I can still remember the
future. I’m seventeen, and someone steals my bank card on
the trolley bus. Hysterics. The next day, I get a D on my math
finals. College acceptance: zero. Joseph Karandás: he will be
my husband. A cook in a hash-house. Later he’s a changing
room guard at a pool. It turns out I can’t have children. We
get divorced. One day, I get this notion and join the Peace
Corps. But I only get to Tripoli. Suffering disgusts me. That
of others and my own too. I fall ill before I get to my station.
I retire from an elementary school cafeteria. The Widow
Karandás: I’m lying on my death bed at Rókus Hospital, and
I don’t understand what this whole thing was. Islands of
happiness in a sea of sorrow. Like I was carrying a corpse on
my back my whole life. Luckily, I can’t see the future for too
long. Pretty soon I forget everything, otherwise I couldn’t
bear it. I’ll be an innocent babe who doesn’t know anything.
Scents, a strip of light on the ceiling as a car drives by
42
outside. I start to hope, and this stays with me for a long
time. Right up until I get on that number 72 trolley bus at
Izabella Street.
(a baby gurgles, laughs, a pooping sound)
Scene 19.
Radio jingle. Studio. ON THE AIR.
MOHAI Hi there Budapest! It’s LostCauses Remixed again, wishing

you a fine evening! Man, am I hungry! Groupie, hon,
(burbling) c’mere for a second. Here fishy, fishy! Come to
Daddy! (Burbling. He reaches into the aquarium and tries to
grab Groupie.) That’s it! Now be a good girl and say goodbye
to the listeners. Gulp! (sounds of chewing) Haha! I was just
kidding. Don’t glare your bulby eyes at me! She’s real mad!
Is there something you want to say? (impersonating the fish)
‘We’re just tiny fish, wet and ridiculous. We get caught and
eaten.’ Splash! (He tosses the fish back and assumes his own
voice again. The sound of an impact.) I’m glad we got a quick
interview in with our little Groupie. (burbling) Life’s not easy
for her, or anyone else.
We’ve got a caller. Hello?
Scene 20.
The studio and a call from near Freedom Bridge.
43
DODIE Hello? I’m here like we discussed!
MOHAI Sausage? Is that you?
DODIE (sounds of traffic over the phone) It’s Dodie.
MOHAI Oh, Dodie.
DODIE Sausage disappeared after the McDonald’s prank.
MOHAI Whereabouts are you now, Dodie?
DODIE I came on bus 7 to the Buda side of the bridge.
MOHAI Great, Dodie! Get close to the location!
DODIE I don’t think I can get closer. Too many people. Running
around.
MOHAI Try and get up close! Tell our listeners who are thirsting for
fresh news the dramatic events which are taking place right
now on the bridge!
DODIE There’s no way to get closer.
MOHAI Dodie! Tell them you’re from a rescue team. That you have
to inspect the location. Catastrophe prevention.
FIREMAN (approaches Dodie) Back up, people!
DODIE Catastrophe prevention unit!
FIREMAN You’re here! Finally! We’ve been waiting for an hour. Come
on. This way. (they step behind the police line onto the bridge)
You see? There he is. You need binoculars?
DODIE No. I can see him.
MOHAI (on the phone) Ask who the guy is!
DODIE Have you been able to identify him?
FIREMAN No. He started to walk up over here and then made a call
from the top that he’s counting to a hundred and then
jumping.
Dodie switches his phone off. Beeping…
44
MOHAI (in the studio) Hello? Hello? Sausage! Sausage?! … Dodie?
Dodie! Damnit!!!
Scene 21.
On the bridge. The sounds of traffic, sirens. The fireman and Dodie look upwards.
DODIE What number is he at?

FIREMAN Around fifty.
DODIE Didn’t you even try to get into contact with him?
FIREMAN No. Where’s your team?
DODIE Team? There’s no team.
FIREMAN Then how?
DODIE How? I’m going up.
FIREMAN Why don’t you go with…
DODIE No. Alone.
Dodie starts up the bridge. As he approaches the counting is heard more audibly.
Scene 22.
On top of the bridge. Vida and Dodie. The wind howls. Seagulls.
VIDA 64, 65, 66, 67, sixty-eight.

They stare at each other in shock.
DODIE My God! Is that you?
VIDA Sixty-nine.
45
DODIE Les Vida! Is that you? Don’t you recognize me… Dodie! It’s
me, Dodie!
VIDA Seventy. What the hell are you doing here?
DODIE It really is you! Unbelievable! Les Vida! What did you climb
up here for?
VIDA What do you think?
DODIE No idea.
VIDA Enough is enough.
DODIE You mean…
VIDA Yes.
DODIE Les Vida! How can you say that? You, of all people!
VIDA I used to think that one day a miracle would happen.
DODIE A miracle?
VIDA I’d wake up and a bowl of hot pudding would be steaming by
the bed.
DODIE That’s why you want to jump.
VIDA Yes.
DODIE I don’t even know what happened to you. You went to med
school, right? You’re a doctor, right?
VIDA Doctor? No.
DODIE What then?
VIDA Telemarketing.
DODIE Telemarketing? Er… what’s that?
VIDA I sell things over the phone.
DODIE Super! And what do you sell?
VIDA Phones.
DODIE You get paid well though, right?
VIDA I can’t find a speck of enjoyment in my work. And my
girlfriend and I broke up.
46
DODIE You broke up? Is she hot?
VIDA Sure, she’s hot, but she’s dumb as mud. She is totally
unwilling to cultivate herself. I keep telling her, cultivate
yourself, read something, for fuck’s sake, learn!
DODIE That’s no reason to break up.
VIDA Last night she disappeared. She came home in the morning. I
ask: where were you? She says, with Hank. Hank? Who the
hell is Hank? Oh, nobody. Just some guy from Dock Club. I
see. And what were you doing with Hank from the club till
six in the morning, if I may ask? You know what she says?
She says: we were folding origami!
DODIE What?
VIDA Man, I never hurt Réka in my life. I never laid a finger on
her. But when she says origami to my face at 6AM, well…
something just snapped!
DODIE Les Vida doesn’t talk like that! This is simply…
VIDA Forget it, Dodie! Don’t waste your breath. You’re the last
person I’ll ever speak to. Seventy-six.
DODIE Remember, in elementary school, fourth grade, I think, you,
me, and Freddy Szabó made a blood pact, up in the school’s
attic. That we’d help each other out if we were in trouble.
Remember? Sure you do! It was a blood pact. And then I
had that little slingshot incident. Remember? I shot the
secretary in the office across the street through the window
during class. She was taken to the hospital. Don’t tell me you
don’t remember! And our teacher took us up to the
principal’s office. I already had a principal’s warning that
term, and I would’ve gotten suspended. You told them it was
you who did it. You got the principal’s warning. Because we
47
were bound by a blood pact. You got the warning and I got
off. And you got a spanking that night from your Dad.
VIDA Thanks, you’re real nice, but I relieve you of your pact and
your fireman’s responsibility. Seventy-seven, eighty-seven,
ninety-seven…
DODIE Les! I’m no fireman. I’m just… I… there’s this radio show
and I just ended up here. And I found you!
VIDA You’re afraid of heights if I remember correctly. You
wouldn’t even climb the rope in gym class. See ya, Dodie!
We’ll meet again on the eternal hunting grounds. (prepares to
jump)
DODIE I’m going with you then.
VIDA Look out!... Come on!
The wind suddenly picks up. They clutch each other. Vida
grabs Dodie and they almost fall off the bridge. They hang by a
hair… Slowly they calm down…
DODIE There’s bus 7!
A long pause.
DODIE Now let’s climb down from here and you go find Réka. I
seriously doubt that Troy from Hully-Gully…
VIDA Hank. From Dock.
DODIE Hank from the club is such a big shot. And you can come back
up here any time you want.
VIDA Wait a sec! I just realized that I know this guy Hank. He’s this
sweet-talking asshole. The manager introduced us last year.
Listen. This guy Hank… he’s a (whispers)… a homo. At least he
was last year.
DODIE You see! That’s why him and Réka were folding origami!
48
VIDA Hold on, hold on, hooold on! If this Hank is the same Hank…
(thinks about this) See ya ‘round, Dodie!
He starts down easily, as the wall climbing champ that he is.
DODIE Les! Les, don’t leave me here! Help!
The wind picks up again. Lighting, thunder.
Scene 23.
Professor Ochuki appears on the pylon. Transcendental music.
OCHUKI Don be scaled!

DODIE My God! Who are you?
OCHUKI I em Plofessol Ochuki.
DODIE Oh Lord! This must be the afterlife!
OCHUKI Carm down, Dodie-san. Dis ees not de aftelrife. Dis ees de rife.
The rife ees much more. Much beegel, much leechel zen you
seenk. Much chance and much change. End wondelfur meetings.
A gilr is waiting for you down zere in ze seety. She weer have
cute dimpres. You wir lekognize hel and you wir be fery happy!
Happy! Belief me. Belief ze wold of Plofessol Ochuki.
DODIE Heeeeeeelp!
Scene 24.
Radio jingle. The studio. ON THE AIR.
49
MOHAI Out time is almost up. Today’s show was more exciting than
usual. We were witness to a moment of conversion, of the
true enlightenment of DJ Fábián, who, as we speak, is up
there on Gellért Hill admiring the sundown. He is like
Mohammed who cut (snip-snip) off the edge of his robe
because a cat (meow!) fell asleep on it. Then, we organized
reality-show-like moments (applause). We met the enemy and
it was us (‘This is Dr. Keve…’). We met our friends and they
were us too (‘Catastrophe prevention unit!’). These moments
did not lack danger, but we weren’t worried, because we
knew that no matter what happens, you’ll stay faithful to us.
You protect us, the way we stand by you. ‘Cause this is your
station, your radio, your show! (radio jingle)And now let’s
listen to our closing tune, which is none other than… oh yes!
Hallelujah! The Plasma Rap! We’ve got a caller! Hey, what’s
shakin’?
CALLER 2 Hello? I’ve got an idea! Car wash!
MOHAI What?
CALLER 2 Attack them! Hose them down with water!
MOHAI Hose them down?
CALLER 2 Get them to clean out the exhaust pipe from the inside!
Humiliate them!
MOHAI Humiliate them?
CALLER 2 Yeah! Humiliate them! That’s the point, okay? How’s the
idea?
MOHAI Great, really great. Listen. Can I ask you a question? What
sounds do you make, when you… you know…
CALLER 2 Uh…
MOHAI Do you come quiet or loud?
50
CALLER 2 Huh?
MOHAI You know, when you’re with a chick and you’re in the heat
of passion and… get it?
CALLER 2 The salami explodes?
MOHAI That’s it! The salami explodes! Then!
CALLER 2 Then what?
MOHAI Well what kind of sounds do you make? Would you show the
listeners?
CALLER 2 You want me to show you?
MOHAI That’s right! Act it out!
CALLER 2 Well uh, something like: ah ah ooh ah ooh!
MOHAI Oooh…
CALLER 2 Hold on. No. More like: oh aa ooh ah ahh ahhh aaa aa a!
MOHAI Well, okay. Thanks anyway, in the name of the listeners too.
CALLER 2 Aren’t you a little perverted? Asshole!
(a woman cries out)
Scene 25.
Gellért Hill. Fábián panting after climbing up the hill. Birds chirping.
FÁBIÁN The setting sun is warm but the breeze is getting cooler. The
Citadel, the Liberty Statue… I remember: someone once
covered it with a huge piece of white cloth. The ghost of
freedom watched over the city for days. The smoggy light
makes it seem like cobwebs are hanging between the
buildings. As if the whole city were bathed in a big pot of
honey. This sweet glue envelops and saturates everything,
thick and smothering. This living and bubbling primary
51
matter slowly sucks up everything, surrounds everything,
drenches, floods, and draws you in… Yes. He stood there
across from me with my TV, and then, a blinding light
flashed into my eyes from the middle of the dark screen. I
don’t believe in aliens, ghosts, or magic, but something really
did happen there. Because when I looked up again, I wasn’t
the same anymore. A twig snaps behind me.
Scene 26.
Caller 1 steps up behind him. Fábián turns around. They stare at each other. The
Caller takes out an orange.
CALLER 1 You want?

FÁBIÁN Some dude. He’s got headphones around his neck. He’s
staring. Frozen, like a photo. And the sun is setting rapidly
behind him. He takes out an orange. It’s an orange sphere,
like the sun behind the Citadel.
CALLER 1 You want? You can have half.
FÁBIÁN Your voice sounds familiar.
CALLER 1 (quoting) ‘You’re a dead man. The reaper’s got your
number.’
FÁBIÁN Oh, it’s you. That conversation was a bit harsh. Sorry.
CALLER 1 Listen, I’m not mad. You wanna peel it?
FÁBIÁN As he extends it towards me, he drops it. The orange hits a
cliff and rolls out to the edge. I lean over to get it, (the sound
of an impact)… slipping on a bush, an orange flash above the
river. (the sound of an impact… bubbling)
52
Scene 27.
The kitchen, as in Scene 2. The rattle and tinkle of tableware. Ace Radio is on in the
background.
BALLA Go on, eat! Bon appétit! Nice TV, huh? How was school?
Bori eats and watches TV.
BALLA School, how was it?
Pause.
BORI Daddy, do you know that you’re really only a number?
BALLA What?
BORI A number. You’re not human, you’re just a number.
BALLA A number?
BORI Yes. Number 856317. That’s you. Number 856317.
BALLA What are you talking about?
BORI You’d better accept it.
BALLA Sweetheart…
BORI And another thing, Daddy. But I’m afraid it’ll hurt you. I’m
not really your child. I’m from another planet. You would
have found out sooner or later.
BALLA Huh?
BORI The Droll hordes attacked our planet when we least expected
it. Only a hundred of us managed to escape, everyone
perished. We settled on a small planet called Pindral. We
came here from there. Me and my friend, Mimi. I don’t want
you to be sad.
BALLA But sweetheart, you come from me.
53
BORI No, I’m sorry, but you’re wrong. I am an envoy. I was reborn
as an Earthling to collect data. I communicate with my home
planet telepathically, and they might come any time to take
me back where I belong. You were good to this earthly
membrane, and I am grateful. But you must give me up. I
must return to Pindral and help rebuild.
BALLA Sweetheart…
BORI Thank you for standing by me. And tell Mama that I thank
her for all she’s done.
Bubbling….
Bori eats and stares at the TV.

BALLA How was school? School, how was it? You hear me? How
was school?
BORI We had to tell the teacher what our parents do. I told her
you’re a goods conveyor, but Lily Bácskai said that you’re
not a goods conveyor. She said you’re a burglar.
BALLA What?
BORI She said you’re a burglar.
BALLA Where does Lily Bácskai get these crazy…
BORI She heard it from her Dad. Her Dad’s some head honcho at
Psycho TV. And so Lily Bácskai heard it from him, that
you’re a burglar, because Psycho TV followed you around all
day in secret, filming you breaking into houses and stealing
stuff, and tonight you’re gonna be on TV on their candid
camera show.
The sound of their conversation from breakfast on TV.
54
TV BALLA (on TV) The location of the jam is very important. Perhaps the
most important.
BALLA My God!
TV BALLA That is goods conveying.
TV BORI Oh.
TV BALLA Now off to the bathroom. Brush your teeth!
TV BORI (pleading) Daddy?!
BORI How about some music instead…
(music)
Plasma Rap
Plasma fever in the city

All that’s useful or a pity

All that's flat and all that's round

Plasmas large and small abound.

’Neath plasma sky and plasma moon

a hundred trolls do gaily croon

Plasma tunes through plasma nights

ordered, paid with plasma cards.
You’re plasma by night

You’re plasma by day

55
Plasma girls plasma boys, together they play

Plasma channels they’re flicking

On plasma TVs they’re watching

They talk Plasmaese

With plasma ghosts if you please.
Chorus:




Anywhere you go.



The plasma, plasma ball.

Plasma makes bodies so round

Thin angular contours no longer are found.

Plasma the heart and plasma the lips

Everyone talks in new plasma quips.

Changing while chatting and rapping

This talk has no bones that are cracking.

56
It stretches this plasma and bubbles

No power can hold back its struggles.

Plasma fidelity and plasma virility

Plasma myrtle on head of plasma virginity.

Plasma chick to the plaza she goes

Her plasma boobs to augment them you know.

There is no exit, no taking off

So come to these plasma arms, arms oh so soft.

Plasma people they queue in long line as a stream

As a matter of fact, each one I have been.
Chorus:



Anywhere you go.



57
Everyone’s altered

And not themselves, really

It saved you from agony

That plasma, you silly.

All has been stretched

The plasma’s so hot

And that’s honest truth,

Like it or not.
Chorus:



Anywhere you go.



THE END
58
László Garaczi:
The 10 Gene
th
59
Motto: “Hungary is not of the past, but of the future.”
60
THE CHARACTERS
WHITE writer-director-moderator
ACTORS members of White’s company
IRIS White’s girlfriend
ASH White’s friend, painter
CARMINE Ash’s wife
BROWN Iris’s ex-boyfriend
SLATE White’s old acquaintance
ROSE Slate’s right-hand
BERYL president of the Palace of Hungarian Secrets
CALLER
TV ANNOUNCER
THE 10th GENE
GENTIAN, White’s cat
Animals at the auction and in the hallucination sequences:

LIZARD, timorous
SNAIL, drunkard
WILD BOAR, wise
BUSTARD, ex-commie
BEAR, nationalist
SQUIRREL, cosmopolite
The Scene: Budapest, spring, whenever.
The three rehearsal scenes are parts of DVD footage (the audience sees them live). This offers
possibility for various performance options: fast-forward, slow-motion, rewind, repeat, pause,
step, loop, freeze, enlarge, illuminate, darken, etc.
61
Prologue, the company, singing.
Rock-a-bye, rock-a-bye, rock-a-bye…
Sob not, but slumber my desires

Rock-a-bye sleepy, listless sighs

Take flight and soar,

why oh why, why oh why, why oh why?
Lonely, foolish heart,
don’t fly, don’t fly, don’t fly.
Rock-a-bye, rock-a-bye, rock-a-bye…

Twilight waits, so slumber my desires,
Weary wings, to evening now retires,

Take flight at night,

Day’s song is over,

don’t fly, don’t fly, don’t fly!

62
Take flight at night,
Day’s song is over,

don’t fly,
don’t fly,
don’t fly!
WHITE Good evening. My name is László Garaczi. Please, don’t smile. I’m László
Garaczi. I wrote this play. I’m glad you’ve come, and I hope you all have an
enjoyable and educational time. So where did I get the idea for this play? One
day I was having supper in my small, but rather cozy apartment. The radio was
tuned in to an interactive program. There was a caller…
CALLER Hungary is God’s chosen territory. Soon the mountains will crumble and the
lands will be flooded, and then Hungary will be the second Ararat. The
Hungarians are a chosen people. They have redeemed this right with sacrifice
and martyrdom. When the 10th day arrives, when the earth will shake, when
the oceans will rise, all of man will be destroyed except they, in whom the
Lord maintains the force of life: the Hungarians. Rejoice, for we are the pure,
the much suffering, and will thus be saved. Already, back in the New
Testament, we were the chosen people. Christ was Hungarian and spoke
Parthian-Sumerian, with which we share 4,000 words. Rejoice all! We will be
saved!
WHITE After I finished supper, I went into the living room. A game show was on TV.
63
ANNOUNCER And here’s today’s riddle for the folks at home! (jingle)
WHITE I started listening after a few words…
ANNOUNCER The following description fits which country? (sound effect) The people of
this country don’t wash their hands before eating. They sniffle and snort
instead of blowing their noses. They love wearing tasseled loafers with white
nylon socks and pin-striped suits. The teenagers smoke on buses. Before
getting off, they set a seat on fire and then play ‘10 th’ on the street by kicking
every 10th pedestrian who passes by. The police have set up a call center for
drivers to report other drivers, they’re building a chairlift up to the Calvary
Memorial Hill, have surrounded the Gypsy Wi-Fi village with tractors, and
the Acting Academy is considering starting a porn department. Top ranking in
suicide, alcoholism, and corruption: which country? Call now and win great
prizes! (jingle)
WHITE I was shocked by the huge difference between these two, so-called national
images. I just couldn’t understand how it was possible that the radio caller and
the TV riddle’s author had such divergent opinions about the same thing. I
sensed contradiction. Shouldn’t this be the topic for a play? Hungary! We’ve
sure got conflict here! Mountains, avalanches, oceans of conflict. Trauma and
crisis. But will it always be this way? Will we ever be able to end this streak
of bad luck? There’s a saying that goes: Hungary is not of the past, but of the
future. But can we be optimistic about the future? These are the questions this
play talks about… and about other things, like… love… Enjoy!
Scene 1. White’s apartment. The sounds of a demonstration and rioting are heard from the
streets. White stands at the window.
WHITE (Aw, man! I can’t believe this! Who are you people?) Sure, go ahead! Smash
everything! Yell, scream, destroy, sure! You over there! You too! Let’s go!
Set the building on fire! Who cares? Nobody! Hello?
64
ASH It’s me.
WHITE They’re right outside again! The rioters on the left, the cops on the right! And
I have to walk down the neutral zone in the middle, find the car, and drive
along the Avenue.
ASH It’s not on fire yet?
WHITE What?
ASH Your car.
WHITE Jesus… I can’t see from here. Damn it, always under my window, why? Go
home, people!
ASH Greens?
WHITE No, Blues I think.
ASH Calico.hu says it’s Greens and Crimsons today. Yesterday it was Oranges and
Browns, today it’s Greens and…
WHITE They’re Blues! I’m not blind. They’re wearing blue… And the flags…
They’re blues, for sure. You want me to send you an MMS?
ASH Everything’s quiet here. We can walk up to the auction.
WHITE But first I have to get there.
ASH There’s still time.
WHITE They’re being forced towards the park… I’m hanging up now… If we get
stuck, I’ll call you.
ASH Okay.
IRIS Are they gone?
WHITE Looks like it.
IRIS Who were they?
WHITE The Blues.
IRIS Do I look pretty?
WHITE Sure.
IRIS How’s my hair?
WHITE Real nice.
IRIS You like this dress?
WHITE It’s great.
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IRIS Not too flashy?
WHITE Naw…
IRIS Does the scarf go with it?
WHITE Sure, it’s super.
IRIS You’re not even looking!
WHITE Did we feed the cat?
IRIS Gentian! Here kitty-kitty…
Hi there, kitty… Did those naughty rioters scare you?
WHITE He’s sulking. He knows we’re coming home late.
IRIS Should we leave the TV on for him?
IRIS Just for the Bedtime Cartoon…
WHITE But then he’ll watch the News afterwards…
WHITE My name is Vince White. I’m 35 and I’ve been directing the Animus
Theater Company for 6 years. Rehearsals, performances, workshops,
festivals, prizes. Great so far, but this year we didn’t get funding. One of
my actors has a pregnant wife, another has a sick mother and a brother
in a wheelchair, need I go on? I’m responsible for these people. I
contacted the Vermillion Foundation. Tonight, I’m meeting the
president, Theodore Beryl, at a charity auction. Provided that these
idiots get the hell out of here. … Theodore Beryl. Our future is in his
hands. I sent him three scenes from the performance we’ve been
rehearsing. If he doesn’t help us, we’re finished.
BERYL I’ve gotta watch this damn DVD, Tatiana!
WHITE See? This is why I’m so friggin’ nervous.
Scene 2. Beryl starts the DVD in his office. White’s actors and White.
WHITE Hi everyone!
ALL Hi, hello!
WHITE Mickey, are we rolling?
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MICKEY Yep.
WHITE Super. Aaron… sound?
AARON Ready.
WHITE Okay. Make sure you get everything. Come a little closer. Make sure you get
everything until…
WHITE Are you ready?

ACTORS Sure!
WHITE Super. Then let’s um… let’s do Scene B. Okay? Action!
BERYL Start already!

PETER Peter.
WHITE What’s your name?
ACTOR 1 Hungary.
WHITE Date and place of birth?
HUNGARY The year one-thousand. Carpathian Basin: a valley in the peninsula called
Europe, jutting out of Asia. The valley was once the Pannonian Sea, and the
Hungarians were fish. Even now, if you lean real close to a Hungarian, you
can still get a salty whiff and hear distant waves crashing.
WHITE How do you feel?
BERYL Shitty.
HUNGARY I can’t find my place. I’m depressed. I often lose my self-control.
WHITE What could the reason be?
HUNGARY Scientists have proven that 10% of my genome is of unknown origin. As a
result, my behavior usually conforms to expectations. I may walk out the door
9 times, but the 10th time, I try the window. For 9 days, I’m a reliable
employee, faithful spouse, loving parent. But on the 10 th day, everything
collapses, my gaze blurs, and I recite the Anthem backwards. I run amok and
destroy everything I built during the 9 days. This 10th day, this 10th gene is my
great curse. The quelled revolutions, the lost wars, the humiliating peace
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treaties, the murdered victims, the bloody and stupid dictatorships, the
irrational obsessions, the false illusions, discord and conceit, self-abrasion,
shame, hysterics, phobias, guilt, these are all, all…
WHITE Okay, okay, thanks, thanks… Okay, now let’s do Scene C. Okay? Wait!
Hungary.
WHITE Your name?
ACTOR 2 Ill Fate.
WHITE Ill Fate.
WHITE Name?
ACTOR 3 Blessing.
WHITE Blessing. Super. Places please… Action!
An historical pantomime and tableau vivant, e.g.: the Hungarian conquest, Tartar invasion,
Turkish rule, Habsburg rule, revolution and war of independence, conciliation, World War I, the
Trianon Treaty, World War II, communism, change of regime, etc. In the meantime, Beryl can
“fast forward,” or “rewind,” etc.
WHITE Okay, stop. Thanks! Come up here and sit down. You can put your shoes back
on. And now we’re going to discuss what you felt. Scene C. Mickey! Get
some close-ups!
MICKEY Okay!
WHITE Thanks… Ill Fate?
ILL FATE I felt like I was being bad. I want to kill. I want to grab Hungary, push him
down and finish him. I haven’t succeeded yet. But he’s getting weaker.
WHITE Super. Blessing?
BLESSING Oh! At the end, when the change of regime came, I was happy and strong. I
smiled at Hungary. Ill Fate almost made me want to laugh. I saw that this was
good and that we could do it.
WHITE That’s it? OK, thanks. Hungary?
HUNGARY I dunno. Vince, I tried everything. Really. I converted to Christianity, defended
against the Turks with my body, started revolutions, received Nobel Prizes, tried t
68
myself loved with Tokay wine and Goulash soup, but the 10 th gene always interven
10th day came, the day of discord, and Ill Fate ruined everything.
WHITE Peter, what do you mean by discord?
BERYL Good grief!
HUNGARY I know that victims are victims, but I can only see them as black and white.
WHITE But then the change of regime came!

HUNGARY It came.
ALL Yeah!
WHITE You became free.
HUNGARY Free.
ALL Yeah!
WHITE Independent.
HUNGARY Independent.
ALL That’s right!
WHITE You could choose your own fate.
HUNGARY I could choose.
Beryl’s cell phone rings. He pauses the DVD.
BERYL Hello? Buy it then! I’ll be right there.
The orchestra plays fusion jazz.
Scene 3. White’s apartment again.
WHITE Iris, my girlfriend, masters the art of living. She has no job.
IRIS Never had one.
WHITE Iris draws well and writes good poems, but if I want to type out her
poems, she throws them out. She gives away her drawings on the street
or in the pubs. Iris is an untamed, natural genius. She is beyond this
world. She thinks my work and my whole life is a big lie.
69
IRIS It’s a lie.
WHITE She thinks I’m a pushy, career-oriented, superficial idiot. She never says
so, but that’s what she thinks. Is that what you think?
IRIS Pretty much, yes. On my shoulder, here, I have three tattooed dots. I
don’t talk about it. Or about anything else from my past. White doesn’t
know where I’m from, who my parents are, where I went to school. He
doesn’t know anything about me.
WHITE I don’t know anything about her. Iris thinks the past doesn’t matter.
Only the present does. You have to make each present moment a work
of art. I met her at an art show. She spent the night at my place… One
night, we’re lying in bed, and I’m telling her about the universe.
The universe is slowly expanding – and I show her how. After the Big
Bang, it expanded really fast, like this: Boom! And then, it started to
slow down. Soon it will reach its maximum capacity – about this big –
and then it’ll stop for a moment, stop short, fill itself out entirely, and
then start to shrink. Slowly first, and then increasingly faster. Smaller
and smaller – like this – until finally, it collapses in on itself. Then, it’ll
be the size of a poppy seed. Everything will be inside it. All the planets,
galaxies, Hungary, you and me, everything will be inside that little dot,
pressed together, and that’ll be the Big Crunch. And then…
IRIS Shussh!
WHITE She signals for me to be quiet… The only sound is the ticking of the
clock my grandparents left me.
IRIS Shhhh.
WHITE We’re quiet. We listen to the delicate click of the clockworks. Then all
of a sudden… the clock stops. It falls silent. Iris looks at me. As if she
would have known it was about to stop at that very moment. That was
her answer to my blabbering.
A crash and light from the street. The flashback ends.
GENTIAN For fuck’s sake!
WHITE My God, did you hear that?!
70
IRIS Did they come back? Or is this a new gang?
WHITE It totally sounded like…
IRIS Like?
WHITE Like he said something.
IRIS Who?
WHITE The cat. Didn’t you hear it?
IRIS The cat said something?
WHITE It’s crazy, but I heard it.
IRIS What did he say?
WHITE Well, it just sounded like… cursing…
IRIS And you’re surprised?
WHITE I’m surprised.
IRIS Sometimes Gentian and I spend whole afternoons talking.
WHITE I see. Listen, Iris, are you sure you want to come to this auction tonight? I
don’t want you to…
IRIS Be bored.
WHITE That’s right. I don’t want you to be bored. I’ve got to talk to some important
people. We find out tonight if Beryl will let us perform at the Autumn
Festival. This is a very…
IRIS Very…
WHITE …important night.
IRIS Very important night. A very important night. This is a very, very, very, very,
very…
WHITE Do you want to come?
IRIS What do you want?
WHITE Me? I want you to come. But then you’ve got to hurry and get dressed,
because if the rioters come back…
IRIS I’m ready.
WHITE Oh, so that’s how…
IRIS What’s the problem?
WHITE The deputy under-secretary of state will be there and…
71
IRIS So?
WHITE So, you can see your...
IRIS What?
WHITE Your breasts.
IRIS My breasts? Where?
WHITE Well… here.
IRIS So you’re saying that my breasts are right here? This is my shoulder. This is
my neck. This is my scarf. Where are my breasts?
WHITE Well, there.
Iris screams and throws a tantrum.
Scene 4. At Ash’s studio apartment. White, Iris, Ash, Carmine. They stand silently. An easel is
affixed to the ceiling.
WHITE We’re at the base of Castle Hill, outside a studio apartment. We’re standing at
the door. Iris is sulking. You’re beautiful.
IRIS We haven’t made up yet, just so you know.
WHITE Iris doesn’t love me. This is how we’ve been dating for 6 months.
IRIS I don’t love you.
WHITE She says this 10 times a day.
IRIS I don’t love you, I don’t love you, I don’t love you…
WHITE Then why are you with me?
IRIS ‘Cause you want me to be with you so badly. ‘Cause you need me.
‘Cause without me, you’d be unhappy.
WHITE Iris…
IRIS ‘Cause you’re totally into me. You’re suffering, and I help you.
WHITE But we’re dating, Iris! We’re a couple!
IRIS Maybe you are a couple, but…
WHITE Why do you hate me? Why do I deserve this?
IRIS I don’t hate you. I don’t hate him, but I let him get worked up.
72
WHITE You hate that I want to succeed. Yes, in this society, here, in Hungary.
I’m alive now, and I’d like to achieve something. That’s why you hate
me.
IRIS I don’t hate you, I just feel sorry for you. There are much more
important things in life.
WHITE Like what?
IRIS Everyone has to find out for themselves.
WHITE Oh, come on… So this is how we stand. She’s a Sagittarius, I’m Cancer.
She’s fire, I’m water. She’s Yellow, I’m Blue. That’s that. I should be
concentrating on the meeting with Beryl and instead… I’m gonna go
crazy! I’m waiting for the click. The 10th gene’s buzzing in my brain
and…
IRIS You spend your time doing all the wrong things. Besides, I love
someone else. Soon he’ll come for me and take me away with him.
WHITE Oh, yes. We’re always waiting for the love of her life: Brown. Iris loves
Brown, not me, and this guy will supposedly soon come and put an end
to our unworthy relationship.
IRIS Brown!
WHITE They broke up a year ago. Since then, Brown married, has a kid, but that
doesn’t matter. He and Iris never meet, don’t talk to each other, but she
says none of this matters. It’s only transitional. Brown is coming to
whisk her away.
IRIS Brown! Oh Brown!
WHITE Brown, contrary to me, is the embodiment of perfection.
IRIS Exactly. You are stupid and selfish. Brown is tender, smart, and
generous. He doesn’t care about money and success. Brown! Oh Brown!
WHITE Brown! Oh Brown! Adjust your dress. You can see your…
Iris is about to scream, but White covers her mouth.
Ash and Carmine appear and let White and Iris in.
WHITE My best friend Marty Ash. We went to the Blue School together. See? That’s
his characteristic gesture…
73
Ash pulls his thumb along his lower lip, like Belmodno in Breathless.
ASH, CARMINE Hi, hi there!
ASH Wow, someone sure is pretty tonight. No problems getting here?
WHITE Downtown was blocked. We took a detour towards the bridge.
ASH The bridge? Terrible!
CARMINE Cute dress. Where’d you buy it?
IRIS I made it myself.
CARMINE You’re not serious…
IRIS I don’t wear clothes that Thai slave children with AIDS sewed in their final
hours of life.
CARMINE Well, it looks great. Especially the neckline, wonderful.
IRIS He thinks it’s too provocative.
CARMINE That dress? These days?
ASH Whiskey?
WHITE Yes.
ASH Iris? Whiskey?
IRIS No.
ASH Juice, water?
Carmine?
CARMINE Sure.
WHITE Just perfect.

ASH Sure thing.
WHITE Good ol’ Chivas.
IRIS ‘Good ol’ Chivas.’
They sit around not knowing what to say. They cough, smile at each other, and sip the drinks.
WHITE Iris scorns Ash and Carmine too. Suddenly, she decides to sing. She
never took singing lessons in her life.
IRIS sings.
What others think I am, to them that’s what I’ll be

As one who’s odd and kinless, why do you think that’s me?
74
A mark upon my forehead, forming you can see
You’re the one producing, the mark you see on me
Be careful of this token and how that it will beam

For whether light or shadow, upon you it will stream
Passing out your judgement, if wise or I’m a fool

You see upon me statutes that all refer to you.
Do you think me clever? To trust me you will learn

Or do you think I’m foolish? A somersault I’ll turn.
A horse you see before you? We’ll gallop round the track
If instead a lion; just run, no turning back.
In the ocean of my eyes, looking back at you

It is me, your truest friend, that you always knew.
What others think I am, to them that’s what I’ll be

As one who’s odd and kinless, why do you think that’s me?
A mark upon my forehead, forming you can see

You’re the one producing, the mark you see on me
Be careful of this token and how that it will beam

For whether light or shadow, upon you it will stream
Passing out your judgement, if wise or I’m a fool

You see upon me statutes that all refer to you.
CARMINE What an original little girl. Really… sweet.

ASH Sweet… Another?
WHITE I’m waiting for the click. I feel the 10th gene, like an angry wasp,
buzzing in my head.
ASH I hear you’ve started rehearsals?
75
WHITE And stopped. We ran out of money. We’re through.
ASH What?
WHITE There’s a civil war going on. People are fighting or starving.
ASH You’re the best young theater company, you can’t just…
WHITE I know. Last week I sent Beryl a DVD of 3 scenes. To show what we’ve done
with the project so far. Maybe he’ll help.
IRIS ‘Project.’
ASH Beryl?
WHITE The director of the Palace of Hungarian Secrets and the president of the
Vermilion Foundation.
ASH And what did he say?
WHITE Nothing yet. Tonight.
ASH Oh, he organized tonight’s charity auction?
WHITE Yes.
ASH Beryl! I remember now! Beryl and his cronies… Those Crimsons have sure
taken over the whole culture business. And what’s it about?
WHITE Pardon?
ASH What’s the play about?
WHITE The play? Oh, the play! Hungary.
CARMINE You can’t be serious!
ASH The truth is: I happen to be wrestling with the same subject.
CARMINE This topic seems to be…
ASH …hanging in the air.
IRIS Lying on the streets.
CARMINE Do you have it on you?
WHITE What?
ASH Rehearsal footage.
WHITE Oh, um, it’s on my memory stick, but…
CARMINE Can we have a look?
WHITE Won’t we be late?
ASH Relax, it’s a 10 minute walk from here.
76
CARMINE Plus we’re waiting for someone from the building. He’s coming to the auction
too.
WHITE What time is it?
CARMINE Six-ten.
WHITE Why not…
Scene 5. Rehearsal. White and the actors.
WHITE You’re Mauve.

MAUVE Yes.
WHITE You’re Cerise.
CERISE Right.
WHITE You’re Faction Leader Amaranthine.
AMARANTHINE Okay.
WHITE And you’re The Expert.
EXPERT Fine.
WHITE I grant the right of word to President Mauve with an immediate answer from
President Cerise.
A lofty, ceremonial, chanting style of singing.
MAUVE President Cerise, sir, you must return what you have appropriated.
CERISE What is it you speak of…?
MAUVE We’ve looked into the file, and the police are investigating.
CERISE They may investigate as they please.
MAUVE All crooks will be brought to justice… someday.
CERISE I’ll bash your head in, sir, and then you’ll really have a headache.
MAUVE We have witnesses here… Faction Leader Amaranthine knows all about
you…
CERISE Faction Leader who?
MAUVE Faction Leader Amaranthine…
AMARANTHINE Me!
77
CERISE Keep your blabbermouth shut!
MAUVE I’m not one of your buddies…
CERISE Then who are you?
AMARANTHINE Faction Leader Amaranthine…
CERISE Faction Leader Amaranthine, why don’t you have a shot of liquor to fix your
face?
AMARANTHINE Why don’t you go and… fudge yourself?
CERISE Asswipe dingbat…
MAUVE We know all about you…
CERISE Oh, you do?
MAUVE Yes, and we’re not afraid of you, or of anyone else…
CERISE Oh my, I’m trembling…
MAUVE So watch yourself… You may be sly, but I’m even slyer…
CERISE If you’re so sly, then where’s your bushy foxtail?
MAUVE You weren’t always such a llama, what happened to you?
CERISE Who’s the llama, jerkoff… Watch it! ‘Cause I’ve got my 9mm loaded. (Watch
your back, ‘cause I’ll get you in the hallway… or down in the caf… )
MAUVE The detectives are after you…
CERISE What detectives? My gun is ready…
MAUVE Your gun may be ready, but they’ll shred you when you’re off guard…
CERISE Then there’ll be blood… You’re going to hell in a hand basket…
MAUVE I’m not afraid of Helena!
CERISE Not Helena, Hell In A…
MAUVE I’ll toss a bomb through your window while you’re sleeping…
CERISE What?
MAUVE I’ll toss a bomb through your window while you’re sleeping…
CERISE A bomb?
MAUVE A bomb, so you’ll blow up…
CERISE Then I’ll stick an ax in your back, and the backs of all those like you…
MAUVE Dude, are you some kind of retard?
CERISE Stuck-up dungbeetle…
78
MAUVE Traitor louse…
CERISE Nazi-communist…
WHITE I’ll fast-forward a bit…

He fast-forwards the DVD.
Scene 6. The “News Anchor” and the “Expert” (previous “DVD footage” continued)
ANCHOR At the end of our Parliamentary broadcast, I’d like to ask Jasper Sallow, our
political science expert and founder of Calico.hu, to comment on what we’ve
seen here. Is this serious political discourse?
EXPERT This is not politics. This is rhetoric. Politics turns rhetoric into action. The
participants of politics literally talk themselves into animosity. The formal
wording causes the mind to become unyielding. Words sweep us into
ideological oppositions from which there is no way out. The mind is
overpowered by slogans, clichés, rhetorical abstractions and false
contradictions, such as the thousand year-old Empire, the reorganization of
the country, unconditional capitulation, etc. Political behavior loses its
spontaneity and no longer reacts to reality. It freezes around a dead rhetorical
core. Language confines politicians into blind assurance or the illusion of
justice. This is the cancerous vitality of political conflict.
Scene 7. Ash’s studio apartment. Ash and Carmine clap politely.
ASH I simply cannot understand how you can’t get funding for this!
CARMINE Bravo, bravo.
ASH Really promising material.
WHITE Thank you.
ASH Since we’re on the subject, do you feel like…
WHITE What?
79
ASH Taking a look?
WHITE At what?
ASH The painting.
WHITE You mean that up there is…
CARMINE He can only paint high up. He says that on the ground he…
ASH I can’t feel the perspective.
CARMINE Can’t feel the perspective.
WHITE But how…
ASH Oh…
WHITE Iris? Ash’s new painting. Come on. Let’s look.

Iris lumbers over.
ASH Just remember it’s still in… It’s still at an early stage… Actually, it’s only a
study… You don’t have to if you don’t want to… Why would you want to see
a half-finished…
CARMINE Ash!
Wow! It’s really something!
WHITE It is.
CARMINE Isn’t it?
WHITE Yes.
CARMINE Amazing. The proportions, the dynamics. And the astounding coloratura!
WHITE So as far as I can see, this is…
ASH Yes?
WHITE Hungary?
ASH Yes.
A bird’s eye-view. The foundation, here and here, see? It’s flesh-colored.
WHITE Flesh-color.
ASH And the blue there…
CARMINE Indigo! Hungary’s own indigo.
WHITE And that brown there, it’s so…
CARMINE And the green…
80
ASH The red, here?
CARMINE Wow! What an orgy of color!
ASH Don’t you feel that these spots here and here are missing something? This
section here for example, it’s so bland… so nondescript… so dull. And here
and here…
WHITE Dull?
CARMINE That part there needs a little… crimson?
ASH Crimson?
CARMINE Maybe a bit of cyclamen there?
ASH Well, maybe.
CARMINE Vermilion, there?
ASH Yeah.
WHITE A bit of cobalt blue in that corner?
ASH Cobalt blue, right.
WHITE It’s truly grand.
ASH But also realist.
CARMINE And somehow so… up-to-date.
ASH One’s homeland is always up-to-date.
ORCHESTRA Yes, yes.
WHITE Did you know that every 10th gene of ours is of unknown origin? And that
supposedly it’s this gene that causes all our problems. I think that this here
could be it…
ASH Where?
WHITE That thingy, the blot above the brown smudge.
ASH Blot?
WHITE Oh, sorry.
CARMINE Over there? I see it.
ASH This here?
WHITE Yes.
ASH That’s not the 10th gene.
WHITE What is it then?
81
ASH That’s a Puli dog. A Hungarian Puli. I told you it’s realist.
WHITE A Puli? The shape seems…
IRIS The vision of the Puli.
ASH The vision of the Puli. Thank you.
The buzzer rings.
CARMINE Our neighbor.
Carmine opens the door. Enter Slate. He’s robust, self-confident, overpowering.
SLATE Yo! Wazzup, Picasso? Lost some weight, fattie?
ASH Let me introduce you.
Slate and White look at each other in surprise.
WHITE Slate.
SLATE What the fuck? White?! Man, it’s been what? 10? 15 years?
WHITE About that.
SLATE Stud-muffin! How ya doin’? Still in the scribbler business?
WHITE Theater.
SLATE Theater!
WHITE This is my girlfriend.
SLATE Girlfriend? Mademoiselle… Dan Slate’s the name.
IRIS Iris.
WHITE Iris is a poet.
SLATE No shit! Serious? ‘Cause I used to do some writing… But it’s been a while…
WHITE And what do you do now?
CARMINE Slate is a recruiting officer.
WHITE Recruiting officer?
CARMINE He recruits volunteers for demonstrations.
SLATE My major was “Riot Organizer” at the College of Revolution Studies, with a
minor in “Vandalism.”
WHITE I suppose you make quite a good living these days.
SLATE I’m doin’ alright. But I’ve got some side jobs. I hold special training courses
in hooliganism and classes in hate speech. Pardon me. What’s up, bro? I’m
upstairs at fatso’s.
82
CARMINE So how do you know each other?
WHITE From a while back. Parties, demonstrations, a few mutual acquaintances…
Once I almost rented his apartment… A one-room pad in a tenement…
Scene 8. Flashback. White, Slate, Rose. Rose stands next to Slate throughout the scene.
SLATE Are you White?

WHITE Yes. Slate?
SLATE Didn’t we say 3:30?
WHITE Yes.
SLATE What time is it?
WHITE 3:30.
SLATE Oh. Then, hi!
WHITE Slate?
SLATE White.
WHITE White.
SLATE Slate.
WHITE Oh. White.
SLATE You met Rose yet?
WHITE No. White.
ROSE Rose.
SLATE Rose’ll come around to check on you. So you don’t get cocky and to rake in
the cash.
WHITE Okay. Are you taking a trip?
SLATE I’m…er… taking a long rest at… er… a sanatorium.
ROSE Actually he’s going…
SLATE I really don’t know where yet. So you’re a scribbler, eh?
WHITE A university student.
SLATE University! And what’s it you study at that university?
WHITE Literature. Theater. Stuff.
SLATE Well, who woulda thunk to look at you? Ya wanna drink?
83
Rose?
You ain’t gettin’ any, ‘cause ya might get wise on me.
Hey, ya know of some place where they press poems?
WHITE Pardon me?
SLATE In papers, books. Get it? You a retard or somethin’?
WHITE A publisher?
SLATE Publisher? Lookie here, dude.
Slate takes out a piece of paper and hands it to White. White reads it.
WHITE ‘A father who’s living and dead the divine…’
SLATE That’s some sharp shit, huh?
SLATE, ROSE Music. Rap-duet.
A father who’s living and dead the divine,

Come to papa, sweet child o mine.
This ain’t embellishment, nor coital relishment
Your brain is on holiday, MIA permanent.
You left Kelly and dissed her alright
No one to warm your TV dinner tonight.
A glass of the red from the waiter called Red
continuous rounds to ends that are dead.
Bored to death with Maria as well
when she curses her parents, it scares you to hell.
Along with the weekly rolls that are cabbage
All these in turn, done plenty of damage.
No one’s around when you’re blowin’ your mind
Don’t care to know, don’t call me your bro
‘Cause you feel so ticked, when your ass has been kicked
Fell on your head, now you are dead
Quartered and roasted, like a grilled chicken toasted
No lightning, no thunder, you’re six feet under

84
And the grass ever greener over junkies and dealers,
And the grass ever greener over junkies and dealers…

WHITE You wrote that?

SLATE Who do ya think? Rad, huh?
WHITE Amazing.
SLATE No shit, Sherlock.
WHITE I had no idea that…
SLATE Yeah, cuz I’m a dimwit moron, right?
WHITE I didn’t say that.
SLATE Rose, ya hear that? He called me a dimwit! Just cuz I don’t go to college, I
still have feelings. Rose?
ROSE You do, boss.
Slate takes out a big stack of papers.
SLATE You read that, then we’ll talk. 200 poems. I need someone to press them.
There’s only one copy, so watch it.
WHITE Good God.
Scene 9. Beryl and the animals. Auction at the Palace of Hungarian Secrets. The guests
murmur, glasses clink, soft music. The “mobile statues” of the animals are lined up by the
wall: Lizard, Snail, Wild Boar, Bustard, Bear, Squirrel. The murmuring subsides.
Clapping.
BERYL Good evening. My name is Theodore Beryl, director of the Palace of

Hungarian Secrets… but I suppose that wasn’t a very big secret.
I’m sure you all know how committed and supportive the Palace of Hungarian
Secrets is of various developmental programs. Just this past year, we helped
design a chairlift up to the Calvary Memorial Hill, constructed a submarine
under Central Square for single parent families, and set up the country’s first
experimental Gypsy Wi-Fi settlement.
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It is also a well-known fact that even amidst the upheaval in our cities caused
by various militant groups, the Palace of Hungarian Secrets still believes in
the protection of nature, especially of indigenous Hungarian animal species.
We organized this charity auction tonight to propel our efforts forward. Our
prize-winning sculptor, Julius Ebony, unfortunately cannot be here with us
personally tonight because he got snowed in at St. Moritz, but I spoke to him
and he told me to say: kiss-kiss to each and every one of you, and to say
thanks. So tonight, I present to you the mobile statues of Julius Ebony.
These very unique, bionic artworks represent endangered species. Ladies and
Gentlemen, before the auction begins, please allow me to introduce them… or
rather… They’ll introduce themselves. Here they are…
SNAIL Snail.
SQUIRREL Red Squirrel.
BUSTARD Bustard.
WILD BOAR Wild Boar.
LIZARD Green Lizard.
BEAR Turanian Bear.
BERYL Thank you. Before we begin the auction, please allow me a short artwork
presentation. Bustard, my friend, come here. Give me a kiss. Go make friends
with the audience. Squirrel, come here. Let’s see a straddle split. Bear: chase
butterflies! Front split! Laugh and then cry! Sit cross-legged. Narcolepsy!
Green Lizard: massage my shoulder! Buffet table. Faster! Faster! Faster!
Okay, now stand here in a row. How many butterflies did you catch? We’ve
got an extra surprise prepared for you. Lizard, what will it be?
LIZARD Ludwig van Beethoven, Symphony No. 9. Excerpt.
BERYL Great! And now, let the auction begin! Lot number one: Julius Ebony’s
Bustard… Come here! Come on, come here! Oh, come on! We haven’t got all
night! Good. Give me a kiss! The starting price is ten golden coins!
Who’ll give more? 11! 12! 13! 14! 15! Give the lady a kiss! 15! 16! 17! 18!
Kiss the lady again! 19! And… 20!!!!
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Scene 10. The Palace. Later. White and Iris.
WHITE An hour later. We’re having that talk with Iris on the terrace. Me and Iris. I
mean, Iris and I. Location: The Palace of Hungarian Secrets.
IRIS I’m hot.
WHITE Let’s go out on the terrace… We’re standing silently, listening to the sirens
wailing below. Up here on the hill… can you hear it? Peep-peep-peep! The
birds are chirping peacefully.
IRIS Did you talk to Beryl?
WHITE Yes.
IRIS Did he watch the DVD?
WHITE He did.
IRIS And what did he say?
WHITE He liked it. But he’s not funding us. But he did offer to let us continue our
work in an institutional frame.
IRIS What does that mean?
WHITE It means that we’d have to merge with the Palace of Hungarian Secrets.
IRIS You’d be the Palace’s private theater company?
WHITE Yes.
IRIS And what did you say?
WHITE I said… no.
IRIS But why? What about your pregnant actor and your...
WHITE It’s his wife who’s pregnant, not him.
IRIS You honestly rejected Beryl?
WHITE I did it for you.
IRIS You’re an idiot.
WHITE I want to be worthy of your respect. Tomorrow I’m telling the company that
it’s over: we’re splitting up.
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I don’t know what I was expecting.
Even now, she seems off in a dream. Like she’s not even here.
I pretend that she looks at me and says:
IRIS From now on, this night is ours only.
WHITE Or says:
IRIS I’m your little Iris. White! Oh White! I want to have your baby.
WHITE But instead, she says:
IRIS You know I love somebody else. I’m only with you because I have nothing
better to do.
WHITE, IRIS Singing.
I’m so sorry that I found you,

never, never came, the one I want to

It would be all right

Your body every night…
No call from goodness or fear

A hung man is what’s real.

Get lost!
Just kill, or peace pretend
You’ll never see the end.
Sweetheart, you’ll never see the end.
Get lost!
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Just kill, or peace pretend
You’ll never see the end.
Sweetheart, you’ll never see the end.
It’s all the same you’ll find

That grace will more abound
It’s all the same you’ll find

That grace will more abound
Beneath you they die: the solutions…

Or bloodless, those revolutions.



Your body every night

Your body every night

Your body every night…
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WHITE Iris, this is just so, so…!!!
IRIS Are you going to yell now?
WHITE I’ve had enough! I simply don’t understand why you’re doing this!
IRIS What?
WHITE Why are you with me?
IRIS Because you’re in love with me.
WHITE And you?
IRIS I don’t love you. I don’t love you because you’re no good. And I love
someone else.
WHITE Why are you with me if you love him?
IRIS Because you’re so into me. I’ll stay with you until he comes, so you can feel
good for a little while too.
WHITE But I can’t do this any more… I want someone who’ll… peep! Who’ll accept
me, who’ll support me, who’ll… peep! I’m going totally nuts! Look how my
hands are shaking…
IRIS Fine, okay. I’m leaving now. Tomorrow I’ll come by and get my things. See
you, White.
WHITE Peep!
SNAIL The forest has been attacked by The Somethings That Say Peep!
WHITE I want to hear the click! Peep! Peep! Peep!
Scene 11. White’s hallucinations. The music becomes odd. He opens a door and finds himself in a
forest with the Lizard, the Snail, the Wild Boar, the Bustard, the Bear, and the Squirrel. They
stare at him, dumbfounded.
LIZARD Run for your lives!
SQUIRREL They’ve attacked the forest?
LIZARD The Somethings That Say Peep destroy everything in their way!
BEAR The Somethings That Say Peep?
SNAIL Run away, our tentacles flapping in the wind!
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BEAR We’re not going anywhere. We’ll protect our homeland where the honey of
our ancestors was shed.
(BEE Pardon me, but that was our honey.)
BUSTARD In the olden days, when bears like you started growling, the big black buffalo
came for them in the middle of the night…
BEAR Shut your beak!
BUSTARD Pardon me. Long live democracy.
SQUIRREL And free thinking!
SNAIL Long live free drinking!
BEAR Foreign powers have invaded the forest! The forest is ours! No one can take it
from us! Peepers go home! Peepers go home! Peepers go home!
SQUIRREL The forest belongs to everyone. If you’d’ve gone to college, you’d know.
BEAR What I do know is what you’ve got squirreled away in secret!
(BEE) We don’t like your bait speech!
BEAR Forest traitor!
SQUIRREL Honey stealer!
SNAIL Enough of sad times. When’s the happy hour? Drinks.
WILD BOAR Stop it! Be still! All we know is that the invaders are The Somethings That
Say Peep?
SNAIL Their favorite food is escargot!
LIZARD Their boots are made of lizard skin!
SQUIRREL Their good luck charm’s a squirrel tail!
BUSTARD They eat eggs!
(BEE) Buy up the honey stocks!
BEAR It’s a forest-wide conspiracy! Foreign honey’s manipulating us!
SQUIRREL What if we send an envoy? Tell them not to hurt us unless absolutely
necessary.
ALL That’s it! Let’s ask them!
They line up and hide behind the Wild Boar.
WILD BOAR Are you The Something That Says Peep?
WHITE Peep! Peep! Peep!
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WILD BOAR We ask you, O Honorable Stranger Who Says Peep, please do not harm our
innocent forest-dwellers!
WHITE Peep!
BEAR He intrudes and doesn’t even bother learning our language!
SQUIRREL What if we tried to say Peep too?
BEAR Stupid idea!
WHITE Growl-growl?
WHITE Peep.
BUSTARD Chirp.
WHITE Peep.
WILD BOAR Snort-snort.
WHITE Peep.
SNAIL Slime-slime.
WHITE Peep.
SQUIRREL Squeak-squeak.
WHITE Peep.
LIZARD Hiss-hiss.
WHITE Peep! Peep-peep! Peep-peep-peep! Peep-peep-peep-peep-peep!
The animals flee, except for the Bear and the Wild Boar. They close in on White from either side.
The Wild Boar holds a rumpled and creased piece of paper in front of him. White tries to turn his
head away.
WILD BOAR I can’t hear you!

WHITE What?
WILD BOAR What’s it like?
WHITE What’s what like?
WILD BOAR What?! This, goddamnit! What’s this like?
WHITE What? It stinks!
WILD BOAR Stinks! Stinks. Yeah. It does. Oh, sorry! Have you met Bear?
WHITE I might have.
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WILD BOAR No you haven’t. Bear’s got this thing. It’s an obsession: pinkies.
WHITE Pinkies?
WILD BOAR Pinkies. He messes up pinkies.
He sees a pinkie toe or finger, and immediately breaks it. Understand?
WHITE What?
BEAR What you’ve got coming, dickhead!
WHITE But I don’t even know Mr. Bear… I didn’t do anything.
WILD BOAR You threw them out. In the trash. My poems.

WHITE What?
WILD BOAR You tossed them. My fucking poems.
WHITE What po…
WILD BOAR Where’d ya find it?
BEAR In the trash.
WHITE Poems? What poems?
WILD BOAR What poems????
WILD BOAR, BEAR Rap.
A father who’s living and dead the divine,

Come to papa, sweet child o mine.
This ain’t embellishment, nor coital relishment

Your brain is on holiday, MIA permanent.
WHITE Good God.

WILD BOAR You fuckin’ tossed my poems in the trash.
WHITE Jesus, Slate? Is that you? What happened was, sorry, my bag got stolen and…
WILD BOAR I trusted you. And you spit on me. You fucked me over. Bear!
Bear opens his fur: he has an entire pinkie-breaking kit inside. Bear growls, signaling that he’s
ready for action.
WHITE Please, don’t! Don’t do it!
They look at terrified White in disgust.
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WILD BOAR Hey, dudes, is this a boy or a girl? Blue or pink? Take off your clothes.
WHITE What?
WILD BOAR You no speak our language? Take your clothes off!
WHITE But why?
WILD BOAR Take off your clothes before I take ‘em off for you!
WHITE Take it easy, guys!
BEAR Leave him, he’s making me sick.
WILD BOAR Are you a fag?! Fag! Fag!
BEAR How’z about a dingleberry?
WILD BOAR Or ya want a banana instead? Don’t eat too fast or you’ll choke!
BEAR OK, let’s get to work.
The animals flee.
KNIGHT OF THE 10th GENE Don’t you recognize me?

WHITE You’re… um… The Great Hungarian Puli Dog?
KNIGHT What? Puli dog? I’m not… Oh… It’s just a disguise… I’m no Puli dog, my
friend. I’m the terrible Knight of the 10th Gene.
WHITE What?
KNIGHT Are you deaf? The terrible Knight of the 10th Gene.
WHITE Christ, is this some joke?
KNIGHT Does it look like I’m joking?
Thunder is heard. The knight casts lighting bolts. White flees.
WHITE Okay, okay! So you’re the infamous 10 th Gene! You’re the reason why a
Hungarian walks through the door 9 times but then tries the window on the
10th?
KNIGHT Smart little boy!
WHITE The reason why on the 10th day our gaze blurs and we recite the Anthem
backwards?
KNIGHT Indeed.
WHITE The reason why all our revolutions were put down?
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KNIGHT That’s right.
WHITE The reason why Blue and Green militants have been running amok for years?
KNIGHT Oh, yesss!
WHITE The humiliating peace treaties, the bloody and stupid dictatorships?
KNIGHT Yes. It’s all because of me.
WHITE The irrational obsessions, the false illusions?
KNIGHT Yep.
WHITE Arrogance and depression, haughtiness and self-abrasion?
KNIGHT Bingo!
WHITE Alcohol, suicide, corruption, discord?
KNIGHT All of it, yes!
WHITE The lost Battle of Mohács, the degrading Trianon Peace Treaty?
KNIGHT Yeah, baby!
WHITE Okay! Okay! Just one last question: was it because of you that we lost the
World Cup in ‘54, or were the Germans really doping?
KNIGHT Yes.
WHITE Yes, what? They were doping?!
KNIGHT No.
WHITE The referee cheated?!
KNIGHT No.
WHITE Shame on you! Shame on you!
Scene 12. White, Carmine, Slate. Back at the Palace.
CARMINE White… White? Can you hear me? Can you open your eyes?
SLATE White!
WHITE What?
SLATE Finally!
CARMINE Are you feeling better?
WHITE My head… oww… Where am I?
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SLATE In the cloakroom.
WHITE Cloakroom.
SLATE You’re lying on the floor and reeking of booze. You got really shitfaced.
We’ve been trying to revive you for half an hour.
CARMINE You really scared us. I was leaving the ladies room when I heard someone
groaning under the hangers.
WHITE I had a couple of drinks…
SLATE Blackout.
WHITE Iris and I had a fight…
CARMINE White! White!
SLATE Leave him. He’s sleeping.
CARMINE White!
WHITE Is Iris here?
CARMINE No.
WHITE What time is it?
SLATE Midnight.
WHITE Is the auction over?
CARMINE Long ago.
WHITE Did they sell everything?
CARMINE Pardon?
WHITE Did they sell all the animals?
CARMINE Yes, I think, except for the… what?
SLATE The Snail.
CARMINE Yeah. The snail’s still here… droopy and sad in the corner there… You want
something? Water?
SLATE What’s up, doc? You okay?
WHITE Where’s Ash?
SLATE Ash left a while ago.
CARMINE You don’t know yet…
WHITE What don’t I know?
CARMINE Ash and I broke up.
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WHITE You too? Wonderful. So did Iris and I.
CARMINE Sure, every 2 weeks.
WHITE But why did you break up?
CARMINE I can’t help him any more. He needs to reinvent himself. That new painting of
his… I mean, come on… You look at it and want to puke.
SLATE Baby, that’s not the only reason…
CARMINE No, well, Slate and I…
WHITE So you broke up too… what a great night.
SLATE Let’s get out of here, baby.
CARMINE White, are you OK? Should we take you home?
WHITE What? No, I can find my way, thanks.
CARMINE Should we call a cab?
WHITE I’m fine, damnit!
CARMINE Then we’ll just…
SLATE Keep your chin up, old boy!
Exit Slate and Carmine.
Scene 13. The Palace garden. White walks along with the Snail.
WHITE We walk through the garden. The pebbles grit under my feet. I see
flashes and hear the sounds of crashing and chanting from way down
below. I make it home on the night bus. I lock the door. Air the room.
SNAIL, sings:
Not a soul stepped over the threshold

Billowing smoke, the window ajar
No one makes noise, gives a call
Who invited you then to the ball?

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Who tasted your wine like vinegar?
Long gone the war clouds from the skies
Wait at the corner, I’ll get rid of them
By daybreak from death we will rise.

Who whispered to you these lovely words?
Twining round you, let blossom the meat
Life dwindles away from where you have gone
Deteriorate like a slab of steel concrete.
White collapses in bed. The buzzer rings.

WHITE Who is it?
IRIS Me. We have to talk.
WHITE I’m sorry, but…
IRIS You won’t let me in?
WHITE I have someone over.
IRIS I know there’s no one there.
WHITE There is.
IRIS White.
WHITE Yes?
IRIS Let me in!
WHITE No.
IRIS White.
WHITE We broke up. What do you want?
IRIS I know there’s no one there. Let me in.
WHITE No.
IRIS White.
WHITE No.
IRIS White! This isn’t what you promised! THIS ISN’T WHAT YOU
PROMISED!
98
WHITE Through the window, I see her walk out the front gate. I drink a glass of
water. I look out again. She’s still there. Smoking two cigarettes at the
same time. Like she was racing them. The next time I look out, she’s
gone. I imagine her coming back up, ringing the buzzer, and I let her in.
IRIS One night can’t ruin everything. The important thing is that you woke up. And
I hope you stay awake. Forever.
WHITE Forever. Forever? I don’t like that word. I’m scared of it. I hear a noise behind
me. It’s Gentian and the Snail, coming towards us slowly.
I turn the TV on. There’s no broadcast. The blue light falls onto my
face. I’m alone. The ceiling flashes. I put the DVD in the player.
Scene 14. White and the actors sit on the edge of heaven, swinging their legs.
WHITE You’re Mauve.

MAUVE Okay.
WHITE And you’re Cerise.
CERISE Right.
WHITE The rest of you supply the Music of the Spheres.
And… action!
MAUVE It’s only 2 PM and already it’s getting dark.

CERISE Strange how the sun sets here too. And the quiet…
WHITE There’s no silence here.
CERISE Down below there was always a pleasant, constant, monotonous din. Up here
it’s quiet…
WHITE Not quiet.
CERISE Then suddenly something you can’t see buzzes past you. What’s the point?
MAUVE You think that’s Jupiter over there? Or is it Earth?
WHITE Who cares?!... Go on.
CERISE You just had to mention it… This buzzing makes it impossible to… There’s a
thingy here somewhere…
99
MAUVE You spit on it?
CERISE No.
MAUVE You swallowed that fly?
CERISE I didn’t.
MAUVE You swallowed a cherub? You’re in trouble!
CERISE Leave me alone!
MAUVE Okay! Relax! You’re all stressed out!
WHITE Shit!
CERISE What?
WHITE Continue.
MAUVE I might add that we didn’t get any food today. Not that I’m hungry.
CERISE What did we have yesterday?
MAUVE Boiled manna rinds.
CERISE Honestly, sometimes you just can’t figure out… is this purgatory? Or is it…?
God forbid!... Oh my God! Do you see it?
MAUVE What?
CERISE There!
MAUVE Where?
CERISE Over there!
MAUVE What’s that? A flying dog?
CERISE My God, it’s attacking!
MAUVE The 10th gene!
CERISE Good Lord, it’s here! Scram! Get out of here! Back! Back!
WHITE Shit! Shit! Shit!... Okay, I need a volunteer.
Hello! Wake up call! Who wants to play the…
ACTOR 3 The what?
WHITE Well, the…
ACTOR Er, not me.
WHITE Then… you?
ACTOR 2 Me? Why me?
WHITE You?
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ACTOR 3 I’ll stay the Music of the Spheres, thank you.
WHITE Okay, then come on, let’s see evil! Show me your evil look… No. That is shit!
Peter, evil! Shit! Bea? Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit! Goddamnit!
He becomes The 10th Gene. He becomes violent. He pushes Cerise and Mauve from heaven down
into hell. The sound of them falling, etc. The other actors flee to the opposite end of the room.
White strides over and sizes up the intimidated actors.
10th GENE (WHITE) You over there.
ACTRESS Yes?
10th GENE (WHITE) What’s your name?
ACTRESS Hungarian.
10th GENE (WHITE) Yeah? And what’s your problem, Hungarian?
ACTRESS My problem? I can’t find my place.
10th GENE (WHITE) You. Have. No. Place… You never did. And never will. Shall we try
something else? Let’s. Come on. Close your eyes. There. And now repeat
after me. Thank you… Thank you for giving me parents and friends… For
giving me a country, a landscape, earth, mountains and waters…. For giving
me a language… I will do something with this feeling… I will do something
with my life, for you and because of you… And now say: I take you as my
country… Say: I take you as my country, Hungary.
ACTRESS I take you as my country, Hungary.
10th GENE (WHITE) And you take me as your child… You are my home and I am your child…
You are big, I am small… I am small, you are big… See how easy it is? You
feel better already. Right? Let’s hear it! I wouldn’t want you not to feel better!
Do you feel better?
ACTRESS Yes!
10th GENE (WHITE) Wonderful. We’re making progress…
Did you two hook up?
ACTOR Yes.
10th GENE (WHITE) What’s your problem?
ACTOR Discord.
10th GENE (WHITE) What discord?
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ACTOR The discord of the Hungarian nation.
10th GENE (WHITE) And what does this discord have to do with you?
ACTOR I’m a part of it.
10th GENE (WHITE) A part of what?
ACTOR The nation.
10th GENE (WHITE) And what’s the problem with that?
ACTOR The problem is hostility.
10th GENE (WHITE) Oh, you’re hostile towards another group.
ACTOR No.
10th GENE (WHITE) Then what’s your problem?
ACTOR The problem is the feeling. The lack of feeling unified.
10th GENE (WHITE) But what is your problem? But what is your problem?! What is your
problem?!
From here on, he switches between himself and the 10th Gene.
WHITE Let’s stop!
10th GENE Nazi fag.
WHITE Shut up already.
10th GENE But I just…
WHITE Shut up.
10th GENE I just wanted…
WHITE Shut up…
10th GENE I just wanted to…
WHITE Shut up!
10th GENE I just wanted to say…
WHITE Shut up!
10th GENE I just wanted to say… Shut up!
WHITE I just…
10th GENE Shut up.
WHITE I just wanted…
10th GENE Shut up!
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WHITE I just wanted to…
10th GENE Shut up!
WHITE I just wanted to say…
10th GENE Shut up!
WHITE I just wanted to say that…
Silence.
10th GENE What, smart aleck?
WHITE …that I have an offer for you.
10th GENE I’m listening.
WHITE Join our company.
10th GENE What?
WHITE I was watching you before. You were great. You’ve got a feel for this. The
way you deal with people. Let’s try it. I know you’d have good ideas.
10th GENE With them?
WHITE Let’s just try, come on. You too. Come on, guys, go, up there. Listen, you are
the victims… Who’ve suffered… who were tortured and killed… People,
equal in suffering. Okay?
WHITE Action.
They chant, led by a member of the orchestra.
ALL
You stare at the dead,
all those victims,
you mourn them, all, together,
every one of them,
without exception,
without reproach,
without any blame.
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WHITE What are you thinking about?
ACTRESS My homeland.
WHITE What is homeland?
ACTRESS I remember something my grandfather told me once. About a forest fire.
There was a cabin in the middle of the forest. Empty for years. It caught on
fire. There wasn’t much furniture, just the basics. The cabin once belonged to
an old man. There was an armchair inside. The old man spent most of his time
sitting in it. He had a view of a clearing from the window. He spent lots of
time gazing at it. When the fire reached the cabin, the wardrobe, the table, and
the curtain ignited. But the armchair did not. There was some kind of resisting
force inside it, protecting it from destruction. The house burned down, but the
armchair remained unharmed amidst the charred walls.
ALL:
All are equal in their suffering.
You remember all their agony,
you think upon the anguish,
and mourn for every victim,
and bid them all farewell.
This is the way to a new life,
this is the way to renewal,
this is the road to
better!
Scene 15. White and Brown.
WHITE Iris disappeared. I haven’t seen her for years. One day I’m strolling on
the hill, and I spot Brown. He’s sitting alone, looking at the city.
Brown?
104
BROWN Yes?
WHITE I’m Vince White. Can I sit down?
BROWN Sure.
WHITE We started talking about Iris. Like two crippled veterans from the same
lost war.
BROWN I haven’t heard from her in years. I hope she survived the earthquake…
Iris never liked me much. Never made a secret of it… didn’t love me.
She kept mentioning her ex, Sol Black.
WHITE What?
BROWN Sol Black. She wanted him only. They’d been broken up a long time.
Never saw each other. Still, Iris carried a torch for him. Black this and
Black that, and what a great guy Black is compared to me. He was the
love of her life. Black, oh Black!
WHITE Black?!
BROWN That’s how she said it. I’ll never forget. Black! Oh Black!
WHITE But who’s Black?
BROWN Some athlete.
WHITE Athlete.
BROWN Yeah.
WHITE This… I can’t believe.
BROWN Once we had a fight about something, and I just gave up. We never
officially broke up. I think Black got into politics later… They found
him in a cellar with a sign around his neck saying, ‘If you’re no good
being Black, you’ll never be a good person.’ His own color-brothers
snuffed him out.
WHITE Are you saying that Iris kept mentioning this guy Black while you were
dating?
BROWN Well, she was rather difficult.
WHITE Brown! There’s something I have to tell you.
BROWN Ye-es?
WHITE She kept mentioning you.
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BROWN Me?
WHITE She talked about you all the time. How you’re the love of her life. We
kept waiting for you to come and save her. She kept saying you’re her
perfect mate. You’re The One.
BROWN Are you kidding me?
WHITE No. This is actually why we broke up. I couldn’t take it anymore.
BROWN But I suppose she mentioned Black too.
WHITE Never. Not once. She kept pining away for you. Brown, oh Brown!
BROWN Brown?!
WHITE Brown, oh Brown!
BROWN Did she date anyone after you?
WHITE Les Beige.
BROWN Les Beige?
WHITE Yeah.
BROWN This is crazy. We should ask this guy… Beige was it?
WHITE Beige.
BROWN Ask him what she said to him.
WHITE Yeah… Then we run out of things to say.
The trees sprout a faint coat of fur, the smell of earth wafts through the
air. The air becomes thick, grayness filters out from under my feet. The
Pest side of the city has been underwater since the earthquakes. Only the
Basilica’s dome sticks out. The ancient Pannonian Sea once again
stretches as far as the eye can see.
The buildings, the overpasses, the park trees, the buses and trams have
all disappeared. Gone are the militants in colorful clothes, the Blue and
Green and Yellow color-brothers all rest in a watery grave. Peace and
silence has descended upon the city.
Here I am, standing on Mount Ararat, just as that caller once foretold.
And then suddenly I understand. Yes. Now is when the universe has
reached its maximum capacity. At this very moment, it’s the biggest and
widest it’ll ever be. A cosmic consummation. Right now, the universe
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has filled itself out completely. Starting tomorrow, it will shrink. Slowly
at first, then increasingly faster. Time reverses, and everything will reel
off backwards: me standing here, the earthquake, the civil war, Iris and
the theater company, everything, all the way back until the conquest of
Hungary and the Biblical flood… Until finally, the universe collapses in
on itself with an enormous rumble. All the planets and galaxies, time
and space, all memories and hopes, pain and pleasure, all the genes, the
1st and the 10th and the one-millionth, will all disappear… inside this
teeny-tiny little black dot.
Epilogue, reprise, song.

Take flight and soar, why oh why, why oh why?

Lonely, foolish heart, don’t fly, don’t fly, don’t fly.

Take flight at night, why oh why, why oh why?

Day’s song is over, don’t fly, don’t fly, don’t fly.
107
Wonderful Wild Animals
by
László Garaczi
translated from the Hungarian

by Ildikó Noémi Nagy
American English version

by Karen Hartman
in collaboration with Ildikó Naomi Nagy
3/28/05 for Interplay, at New Dramatists
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Characters
ZOÉ, late twenties
TAMÁS, her boyfriend
ANDRÁS, her brother
TERI, her mother
DANI, her lover
ÁGI, her friend
KRISZTA, her boss
MANYIKA, Zoé and Tamás’s aunt
MEDIUM
LIEUTENANT
MR. PAULAI
FIERY ANGEL
(Note: The characters of Zoé, Teri, Ági, and the Medium may be played by the same actor, the
same goes for Tamás, the Lieutenant, Mr. Paulai, and the angel, as well as Manyika, and
Kriszta.)
Setting
The action begins in Zoé and Tamás’s apartment in Budapest, present day, and travels into the
past, as indicated. Teri’s interrogation also occurs in Budapest.
109
Scene One
(dark)
TAMÁS: (after a half minute) Hey.
(pause)
I can’t see. Help.
(pause)
(in a squeaking voice) I’m scared.
(pause)
(squeaks) I’m still scared.
(pause)
Whoa, now I’m really scared.
ZOÉ: Quit it.
(pause)
TAMÁS: (in a normal voice) It’s completely dark.
(pause)
We’ve stepped into the dark side.
(quietly) Is that you?
(rustling sounds)
ZOÉ: Quit it... What the... Stop it...
(pause)
TAMÁS: Can you see?
ZOÉ: Shut up already...
TAMÁS: Is that you?... is this your back?
(more rustling)
ZOÉ: Get off my breast.
TAMÁS: Sorry... Darkness therapy sucks. (in a quavering voice) Can we have some light
please?
(pause)
(angrily) Awww come on... I can’t sit here in this total black...
(pause)
110
It’s completely dark, I’m leaving.
ZOÉ: Try and imagine something. Pretend. Or let’s play BB. You know today is the day.
TAMÁS: I don’t want to play BB... I’d rather have some light... where’s the fuse box? (he feels
his way out, a snap is heard)
Of all the fu...
ZOÉ: Are you okay?
(the light comes on, Zoé is lying on the bed, András is revealed naked on the floor, his head
down)
TAMÁS: (from outside) You want a Jameson? (comes in with two glasses, sits down, drinks)
ZOÉ: So you wanna play BB?
TAMÁS: Tomorrow.
ZOÉ: Today.
(pause)
TAMÁS: There’s no reason to continue this... it’s over, you hear? Over. You have to forget him.
ZOÉ: Remember, forget.
TAMÁS: I don’t want to remember. This isn’t normal, it’s sick.
ZOÉ: Sick?
TAMÁS: The same insanity every year.
ZOÉ: Sick. Yeah, maybe it’s sick...
TAMÁS: Look, I’m not some shaman or a medium, I don’t have conversations with spirits of the
dead... I can’t do this, understand? Seriously... Let’s forget it, it’s over... He’s gone. And this is a
new chapter.
ZOÉ: Not normal... so it’s sick.
TAMÁS: Zoé.
ZOÉ: (in a trance as she remembers the game) Plum-pie, Phoenix, Nimrod, Baiter...
TAMÁS: Zoé. I don’t want to remember that day.
ZOÉ: I’m not taking you to that day, I’m taking you to a much earlier day…....Major- that one
has a silky mane... Samba, Sweetness... Sweetness tosses her head and likes to gallop...
Underworld, Zombie, Senior, Matilda, Chicago, Taboo, Jessica... Jessica is a fifty-thousand year
old horse...
TAMÁS: Zoé... Come back, please... I beg you.
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ZOÉ: ... and then there’s Sturgeon, Verdict, Atlanta, Magnate... Magnate is a beauty, so
graceful... Lily-pad, Samurai, Hawk-eye... Tiny, she’s a girl...
TAMÁS: I don’t want to. I’m scared, you can’t still... please, stop...!
ZOÉ: Don’t be afraid…come way back with me… Gamba, Lord, Clever, Bally, Hunor, Barbara,
Merry, Molly- nicknamed Polly...
(Tamás gives in, takes off his clothes, half-asleep)
... and then there are the pentathlon horses: Caliban, Akeron, Sly, Graphicon...
(lights shift, they turn into children, about twenty years ago)
Scene Two
ANDRÁS: (to Zoé) What do you wanna be?
ZOÉ: I’m nothing... I am Nothing... I don’t have to do anything, I sleep all day.
ANDRÁS: And Tamás? What should he be?
ZOÉ: Tamás should be...
TAMÁS: A lion?
ZOÉ: No, a horse. We’re gonna play horsy and trainer.
ANDRÁS: Tamás you’ll be the horse... yes... and my big sister… you won’t be Nothing, you
will be the horseman, you will ride him... (to Tamás) Get down...
(Tamás gets down on all fours)
Ah, here he is... Underworld! Let’s start today’s training.
ZOÉ: Say you’re Uncle Charlie.
ANDRÁS: I’m your trainer, Uncle Charlie... I’ll take care of you, Underworld, okay? You
hungry? Here’s a carrot.
ZOÉ: Shall I ride Underworld? (sits on him)
TAMÁS: You want to gallop on me?
ZOÉ: Let’s go, horsey!
TAMÁS: I’ll make a scene. (neighs and jumps)
ANDRÁS: Underworld!... Underworld!!!... Gallop!... Canter!... Gallop!... Canter, Underworld!
(slaps his backside) Gallop!
TAMÁS: My knees.
112
ANDRÁS: Canter...
ZOÉ: Yell at me.
ANDRÁS: (to Zoé) Now, my little student... who said you could get off that horse!? Get back
on... Start walking... and then gallop!... Gallop!
TAMÁS: I’d rather do it this way. (runs on feet and hands)
ANDRÁS: (to Zoé) Get on the horse, up you go!... Gallop! (slaps them) Let’s go!... No walking,
horsey!
TAMÁS: (panting) The horsey’s just standing now.
ANDRÁS: (to Zoé) Get back on!... Walk! If I make the sign, gallop!... Gallop!... You get a C for
this riding lesson... and Underworld, you get a D... Gallop!... Canter, canter... canter!
TAMÁS: I’m tired, I don’t wanna be a horse any more... my pants are ripped.
ANDRÁS: Underworld, you get an F for this canter... (to Zoé) Direct him this way, now get off...
Take off the reigns, and the saddle, and bring them into the stable...
ZOÉ: Say get the sponge -
ANDRÁS: Get the sponge from under the saddle... Now bring the horse here... Stop! Close the
door... Come here... Undo the buckle... This one too... Hold this... It’s really hot in here, isn’t it...
ZOÉ: Say take your top off -
ANDRÁS: Take your top off... you don’t have to be afraid of Uncle Charlie... it’s much better
like this, isn’t it?... Now wash off the bridle... bring the hose...
ZOÉ: The hose?
ANDRÁS: Wash his back... I’ll help... shhhh!... shhh!... Wipe him off... (angrily) Underworld,
stand properly...!
TAMÁS: (in a crying voice) What did I do now?
ANDRÁS: God, this is how you have to do it... Now go that way!... That way... (to Zoé) Take off
your pants too, you don’t want to get them dirty... there we go... come here, I’ll help you... one
foot, then the other foot... that’s right... nice and easy... While Underworld is eating, you can
braid his tail... Very good. Since he let you braid his tail he deserves a sugar cube.
ZOÉ: Here. Eat it.
(ZOÉ’s horse misbehaves)
ANDRÁS: What are you doing?... Good-bye my little student, you’re out... Bring the stick...
Now I’m gonna whip you so you’ll do it right next time.
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(to Tamás) Where are you going?... You have to stand here!... Stay here!!!... Now it’s your turn
for the stick... you like that?... (to Zoé) It’s so hot in here... take your panties off too... like that...
it’s best if you’re naked... now let’s pretend that you are Sweetness... and your tummy hurts...
yes, here... you’re so silky... on the inside of your thighs... how nice... oh... yes... but, you’re...
you’re pregnant!... you’re going to give birth!... we have to call the vet, okay? Hello, yes this is
Uncle Charlie, we’ve got a sick horse, her tummy hurts, you have to come here, bye... And now
I’ll examine you... okay? Stay still, I’m going to stick an instrument in you...
ZOÉ: (jumps wildly) That’s enough, let’s trade, and I’ll be Uncle Charlie!
TAMÁS: And I’ll be the pregnant horse. What will my colt be called?
ZOÉ: Your colt? Failure. (Zoé climbs over the boys)
TAMÁS: Well... (he whimpers) now I’ll give birth to Failure and I can finally leave... (to
András) Get born little Failure.
ANDRÁS: (in a thin voice) I can’t. I’m stuck. I can’t breathe.
ZOÉ: Be quiet, you’re not born yet.
TAMÁS: What if I give birth to twins, two little colts at the same time?
ZOÉ: Failure-1 and Failure-2!
ANDRÁS: (in a small voice) Oh... I want to be born!
ZOÉ: One more minute, stay still, both of you.
ANDRÁS: (in a squeaky voice) We want to be born!
TAMÁS: Should I be born instead of him?
ANDRÁS: (always in a squeaky voice) No, we want to.
ZOÉ: I’ll help, I’ll pull from behind... neigh painfully.
ANDRÁS: Neigh.
ZOÉ: Louder! It really hurts!
ANDRÁS: Neeiiighhh!!!
ZOÉ: Be born!
ANDRÁS: We can’t!
ZOÉ: Neigh! You’re wild horses and you are galloping in the forest fire!
ANDRÁS: Neigh!
ZOÉ: Gallop, let’s go! Be born!
ANDRÁS: Neigh!
ZOÉ: (pulling him) Now! Even louder! Neigh!
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ANDRÁS: Neigh! (goes into a fit of coughing)
ZOÉ: Louder! Louder!
Scene Three
(Teri and the Lieutenant, a police station in Budapest, five years ago)
TERI: Let me go, please... let me go home... Please, my children are waiting at home... András
and Zoé... let me go, I told you, I’ve got a lump in my breast, in my stomach, the Hungarian
government will have to pay a fortune in medical bills if they keep me under arrest... you can’t
punish a corpse...
LIEUTENANT: It would help a great deal if you would make an honest confession.
TERI: An honest confession.
LIEUTENANT: You wanted to poison eleven employees of the Star Hotel.
TERI: Only nine.
LIEUTENANT: Will you tell me how it happened?
TERI: How it happened, officer? You mean how I came to Hungary for a short visit to my
children and wound up in a police station with you? Well.... Since you asked so nice…
(the light changes as Teri’s memory takes over)
We’re in New Jersey last summer eating, and Tony’s got grease comin down the sides of his face
and what can I say? I say to him, “Tony, I hate this.” I say, “Tony, do you have to eat like that?”
And maybe I say, “Tony, we both know that number one, grease is no good for you, and number
two, we have guests.” So he jumps up, breaks his bottle of homebrewed palinka across a chair,
and comes at me with the broken bottle going, “You dirty, good-for-nothing, wrinkled-up slut,
you don’t tell me what to do!”
Which would be a terrible thing to say, even in private, because he’s older and got a lot more
wrinkles than me. But that’s Tony. Bad to the bone.
He’s comin at me and what can I say? I say to him, “Tony, if I was you I would stop right there
because if you get in my face one of us is gonna be sorry.”
So then his brother stands up and starts swearin like a Hungarian: “I’m gonna kill botha you.
I’m gonna kill botha you.” And what can I say? I say, “Shut up Laci, you’re not killing nobody.
If anyone’s doing any killing, it’s gonna be me.”
115
So a week later Tony tells me, “I’m gonna go home to Hungary. And travel Europe.” And what
can I say? I say to him, “Tony. How you gonna do that, swim?” I had to laugh, he’s gonna
travel around Europe, poor bastard. I’m lucky if I see my kids once a year – they probably miss
me very much at this moment, officer – and he’s gonna go touristing in Europe, for the hell of it.
But he goes.
I show up at the doctor on a Thursday and say, “I got a funny feeling in my armpit. Gimme one a
those menn-o-grams.” Doctor says I can have what I want. So they take the menn-o-gram and
when it’s done I’m waiting around like, what now? And the nurse says, “The doctor will tell you
tomorrow.”
What can I say? I say, “Fine.”
The next day the doctor’s office calls and the girl tells me come in, so I go in, and the doctor
says, “Do you want coffee,” and what can I say? I say, “Doctor Campbell what do you want
from me?” I’ve been his patient since I first got to the States but he never offered me coffee
before. So I say, “Why you being so nice?” And the doctor puts his arm around my waist and
starts going, “Well… sit down… don’t be afraid…” My heart’s beating a mile a minute and he
tells me again, “Don’t be afraid…” I can’t even drink my coffee, I’m putting it to my mouth but
not taking anything, you could say I was getting a little nervous, and he says to me: “You have
two lumps in your breasts.”
Next thing I know I’m in a hospital full of gauze and there’s Tony holding out half a sack of
bullshit, wanting to kiss me. What can I say? I say to him, “Listen, if you didn’t need my kisses
for three months then I don’t need your kisses now.” He opens his sack and it’s face cream. To
make fun of me. Because him and his brother had such a ball calling me a wrinkled-up slut. And
he just smiles this nasty smile and says, “Here’s a treat, Teri. Nice Hungarian creams. I brought
them back for you, you’re gonna like them…” After that he starts playing this record of
Hungarian songs, which he knows I hate. Every day. The one where they sing, “Wait a while
you autumn roses, don’t say goodbye to the sweet summer yet…” What can I say? I say to him,
“You really must like that song.”
So then… one day… My brother’s brother-in-law gets me on the phone and says, “Teri, listen.
Something’s up with Tony and a big-haired woman.” Then the next day a girl I know calls me
from a diner and says, “Teri, get down here. Tony’s been here since ten o’clock, and the table is
full of papers, and he’s” she whispers this part, “he’s writing.” I get into that diner and before he
116
sees me I pick up the letter. And what can he say? He says, “Well.” And I go, “You like her?”
And he goes, “Yeah.” He doesn’t even deny it. He looks me in the eye and goes, “Yeah. I did
it.” And then he goes, “I did it because you thought I was gay.” That he went to her because I
thought he was gay. Which I don’t, it’s just the kind of thing you tell a man sometimes when
you’re mad. He says he’s gonna live with this woman… and that if I can, I’d better try and get
back with my husband.
Scene Four
(Back to the present. Tamás and Zoé are relaxing and recovering, Tamás takes a sip of
the whiskey)
ZOÉ: No more kid’s stuff. We’re going to that day. That afternoon.
TAMÁS: We were waiting for your mother.
ZOÉ: And fighting.
TAMÁS: Yes, the “quarreling lovers...”
(pause)
But I don’t remember playing that horsy game.
ZOÉ: It’s the first time I took you back. You don’t understand anything.
TAMÁS: That day, András... he went too far.
(pause)
It’s raining. Can you hear it?
(pause)
ZOÉ: Let’s continue. With that afternoon... We were sitting right here.
(pause)
TAMÁS: (gives in) All right. (he prepares himself to enter “that day.” He speaks in an annoyed,
accusing tone as he enters the argument that afternoon ) I called you this afternoon.
ZOÉ: Aha... one more time.
(From this point forward, the play takes place within their séance, on a single day five years ago)
TAMÁS: I called you this afternoon, you weren’t in the office again.
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ZOÉ: (she takes on the style ) Listen, if I’m not in the office then I’m making visits, or at the
hospital, or at a meeting or...
TAMÁS: I don’t know what you do all day, Honey-bunch, but why is it that Doc Marten is
always in the office and Nurse Shoes is always in the office and so is everyone else, but you are
always at some meeting or at the hospital? That is kind of strange to me!
ZOÉ: Well for me it’s kind of strange, Pumpkin, that I can never call you because the line is
always busy... and what may I ask is this mind-boggling telephone bill all about? What do you do
all day, call whoever’s home? The phone bill is four hundred dollars! Who do you blab with all
day?
TAMÁS: I don’t blab.
ZOÉ: You don’t blab. Then what do you do?
TAMÁS: We started this project.
ZOÉ: We?
TAMÁS: Levente and I.
ZOÉ: What project?
TAMÁS: Phone art?
ZOÉ: You’re out of your mind. What do you mean... phone art? Phone art! Seriously, what is
this so-called phone art? Phone art is blabbing all day on the phone?
TAMÁS: No.
ZOÉ: Well then?
TAMÁS: Singing into the phone.
(pause)
ZOÉ: You sing to Levente all day on the phone?
TAMÁS: The phone... um... the um... well you know, the reduced possibilities... the result
brought about by the correlation between the frequency minimum and the musical intensity...
ZOÉ: Oh, I get it.
TAMÁS: So, the basics of reduced possibilities... but not in a minimal art sense, but rather...
ZOÉ: Aha... dancing in a strait jacket.
TAMÁS: Yeah. But no... no, you don’t get it... the point is that I started this project with
Levente... and... ah...
ZOÉ: Yes.
118
TAMÁS: So, we sing a melody that sounds like some kind of animal into the phone, then we
transfer the modified musical fabric back over the net, rework it, and the result...
ZOÉ: Aha.
TAMÁS: We’re gonna have a concert at the Spring Arts Fair.
ZOÉ: Hmm.
TAMÁS: The title is “Wonderful Wild Animals.”
ZOÉ: Wonderful Wild Animals. Okay, then the only thing I don’t get, Pumpkin, is why the
phone bill was three-seventy-five in August.
TAMÁS: August?
ZOÉ: August.
TAMÁS: August. I have nothing to do with that... But while we’re on the subject, Honey-bunch,
might I pose the question, why are there seventeen kinds of cheeses lying in the fridge again?
ZOÉ: I get paid well enough to buy seventeen kinds of cheese.
TAMÁS: And why must you always fill the kettle to the brim for a single cup of tea, when the
Ethiopian children and the Kosovo Albanians and...
ZOÉ: Oh Pumpkin, leave me alone with the Albanians already!
TAMÁS: And why are you compelled to call the most expensive pizza place whenever we order
and have them bring three times as much as we can eat and...
ZOÉ: You always do this! We start arguing about something and you bring up an entirely
different topic... This is irrelevant... just because I boil a kettleful of water?!
TAMÁS: And I make phone calls, Honey-bunch! It is absolutely relevant. Furthermore, it is
analogous.
ZOÉ: I refuse to continue this argument. You have absolutely no debating skills.
TAMÁS: And you do.
ZOÉ: Okay, let’s just forget it.
(pause)
TAMÁS: (getting ready) Will you be home today?
ZOÉ: I’ve got to make a stop at the office today... András is coming in for a filling after his visit
to a Medium... And I’ve gotta call Ági.
TAMÁS: Because?
ZOÉ: She’s totally stressed.
119
TAMÁS: Stressed?
ZOÉ: Today is Halloween... Last summer she made a vow that if she was still a virgin by
Halloween she’d give herself to the first ghost who knocked on her door.
TAMÁS: Huhh... and whatshisname, Karesz?
ZOÉ: Kristóf.
TAMÁS: Yeah, Kristóf... isn’t he putting on the moves? They’ve been going out for a while
now...
ZOÉ: Yeah, they had it all set up for last night: free apartment, Trojans, and then Bocsor and his
buds call and say there’s this skateboarding competition in Dunavarsány, and you know Kristóf,
he’s crazy about skateboarding, so they postponed the defloration until Monday, and he said he
won’t call until then, “Why not,” asks Ági, “Because I spend all my time finding a phone to call
you,” then he wanted to give her Bocsor’s number after all, but then Ági says, Forget it.” “Fine,”
says Kristóf, “then I won’t give it to you,” but then she says, “Don’t be silly, give me the
number,” “No, no, no, I won’t give it to you,” and basically they had this fight before he left, and
Ági was so stressed she got a double mud mask at the salon, and then called Kristóf to make up,
and it was so strange, Kristóf said “It’s better this way,” that they won’t see each other for three
days, and Ági says, “Why is it better this way?” and Kristóf says, “I don’t know, it’s just better.”
“Is something wrong?” asks Ági, and Kristóf says, “No, nothing’s wrong.” “Do you love me?”
asks Ági, “Yeah, sure I love you...” but still, it’s so strange how Kristóf is suddenly such an idiot
and poor Ági is still a virgin, and they won’t see each other all weekend, and Kristóf didn’t even
try and invite Ági to Dunavarsány, so basically they had this big fight. Plus Ági got her period
today... Are you listening to me?
TAMÁS: “....gotherperiotoadyareyoulisteningtome.”
(Zoé dismisses him, she is getting ready too)
What are we doing tonight?
ZOÉ: My mother is coming.
TAMÁS: You said she went to the country.
ZOÉ: Yes, and she’s coming back today.
TAMÁS: You didn’t tell me that.
ZOÉ: Yes I did.
120
TAMÁS: I’m going to hold my breath until you admit that you didn’t tell me. (he starts going
red in the face, he gives up and exhales, takes a breath) Well, maybe you did tell me... You said
she went to Füred, for one day which implies...
ZOÉ: Funny, now that I’m remembering, I think I only said that she was going to the country.
TAMÁS: “For one day.”
ZOÉ: No, I didn’t say that. You were right before.
TAMÁS: No, I’m right now.
ZOÉ: No, now I’m right.
TAMÁS: No, it’s me.
ZOÉ: Me.
TAMÁS: Me.
ZOÉ: Me.
TAMÁS: Me.
(an endless repetition of “me” until the stage is black)
Scene Five
(The Medium and András)
MEDIUM: (counting, bent over books and papers) Did anything important happen to you at age
eight?
ANDRÁS: No.
MEDIUM: Did some kind of family cataclysm, or change occur around age fifteen?
ANDRÁS: No.
MEDIUM: Death, a move, an important meeting, illness, etc.?
ANDRÁS: Fifteen?
MEDIUM: Yes.
ANDRÁS: No.
MEDIUM: (counts, consults charts, draws lines, writes, with her left hand) Have you ever had
one of these done?
ANDRÁS: No.
MEDIUM: Do you believe in reincarnation?
121
ANDRÁS: No.
MEDIUM: Do you have any connection to Jews?
ANDRÁS: No.
MEDIUM: Do you have siblings?
ANDRÁS: No. I mean, I have an older sister.
MEDIUM: (makes a note) Did you ever have an interest in the German death camps?
ANDRÁS: No.
MEDIUM: Is your father still alive?
ANDRÁS: No. I mean yes. In California.
MEDIUM: And your mother? Is she also in America?
ANDRÁS: Yes. New Jersey.
MEDIUM: Are they divorced?
ANDRÁS: Thank God.
MEDIUM: Thank God?
ANDRÁS: Why, shouldn’t I thank God?
(a short bewildered silence)
MEDIUM: (counts) Born in America… and when did you come to Hungary?
ANDRÁS: When I was four and a half.
MEDIUM: Is your sister also living in Hungary?
ANDRÁS: Yes.
MEDIUM: Why did you come to Hungary?
ANDRÁS: (after an embarrassed silence) Our aunt raised us.
MEDIUM: What is your relationship like with your mother?
ANDRÁS: Mother...
(a change in light, András enters a childhood memory of a phone call. The Medium plays Teri,
Manyika enters)
ANDRÁS: Hi Mom, can you hear me?

TERI: Hi Sweetie, how are you?
ANDRÁS: I’m sick.
122
TERI: What’s wrong?
ANDRÁS: You know, I have a cold.
TERI: You have a cold and your tonsils hurt?
ANDRÁS: No, not that.
TERI: Then what?
ANDRÁS: I don’t know. The doctor gave me some medicine... But I don’t get it Mom, in one
bottle there are twenty pills and in the other there are two hundred and thirty. Why did they give
me two hundred pills?
TERI: So you can take them if you’re sick next time.
ANDRÁS: No... they gave them to me so I can take them while I’m sick, but by the time I’m
done I won’t be sick anymore.
TERI: But you know you don’t have to take them all at once, right?
ANDRÁS: Wow, you really figured that one out; I don’t take them all at once.
TERI: That’s right.
ANDRÁS: You’re not supposed to stuff them all in your face... Wait, Mom, when are you
coming, how many more times do I go to sleep until you’re here?
TERI: Not too long. A short time.
ANDRÁS: How many?
TERI: Two times ten and four.
ANDRÁS: Yay! But the tenth night will be the twentieth?
TERI: Like I said, it’ll pass by quickly.
ANDRÁS: I won’t even notice four days when I’m sleeping, and then it’s only ten.
TERI: Two times ten.
ANDRÁS: Yes, and then I sleep ten days and then it’s only four.
TERI: It’ll pass quickly.
ANDRÁS: I’ll sleep one more and then that’s only five.
And if I sleep two that’s three, and if I sleep two then it’s one.
TERI: Very good. You count well.
ANDRÁS: One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten, eleven, twelve, thirteen,
fourteen, fifteen, sixteen... eighteen...
TERI: Seventeen.
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ANDRÁS: Seventeen, nineteen.
TERI: Eighteen, nineteen.
ANDRÁS: Eighteen, twenty.
TERI: Very good. So tell me something. How is Zoé?
ANDRÁS: Yesterday we played together... Tamás was over too.
TERI: What did you play?
ANDRÁS: Horsey.
TERI: Did you have a good time?
ANDRÁS: No.
TERI: You didn’t fight did you?
ANDRÁS: No.
TERI: You should always listen to Zoé. She’s a big girl now, you know.
ANDRÁS: I know... Mom.
TERI: Yes?
ANDRÁS: (starts to cry) When are you coming?
TERI: Soon. (tries to laugh) I’ll call you, okay?
ANDRÁS: Tomorrow.
TERI: Okay... Did you look at the picture books I sent you?
ANDRÁS: No.
TERI: How come? They’re so nice, you have to look at them over and over.
ANDRÁS: I don’t look at them. Are you mad?
TERI: No. It’s okay. We’ll look at them together.
ANDRÁS: Every day.
TERI: And I want to buy you new clothes too, new pants.
ANDRÁS: I have pants.
TERI: But we’ll buy new ones, so if one pair gets dirty then you can wear the other ones.
ANDRÁS: Let’s buy three. Or four or five or six or ten.
TERI: We’ll see. Two is enough for now.
ANDRÁS: Four is better.
TERI: Yeah.
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ANDRÁS: Because when one pair is dirty then I can put on the other ones and if the other pair is
dirty then I can put on the third ones.
TERI: But in the meantime we’ll wash them, you know that.
ANDRÁS: Then let’s buy five, okay?
TERI: Okay.
ANDRÁS: Five.
TERI: Listen Sweetie, give the phone to Aunt Manyika, I want to talk...
ANDRÁS: No.
TERI: Count to twenty, okay, I’ll talk to her until then.
ANDRÁS: One, two...
TERI: Don’t start counting until you give her the phone.
(András gives the phone to Manyika and counts out loud)
MANYIKA: Hello? I’m here, yes, just a few words, I can’t even tell you, but it’s very difficult
with the child, he’s hyperactive... He needs to be taken to a psychologist, he wets his pants
regularly, for example... he can’t be left alone for a single minute, he’s always a few feet from
me... there’s some kind of stress in him, you know? He screams in his sleep and grinds his teeth...
sometimes he throws such tantrums, you know, he won’t get dressed or eat his breakfast, and he
throws himself on the floor, foams at the mouth, and yells at the top of his lungs...
ANDRÁS: (from the background) Watch out, twenty is coming!
MANYIKA: He’s forgotten things he knew before, he won’t eat with a spoon, he spits out his
food, he won’t say hello to anyone in the building... really, I’m at the point where...
ANDRÁS: (András tear the phone out of Manyika’s hand) Hello!
TERI: Sweetie, give the phone back for a minute, okay?
ANDRÁS: Why?
TERI: Because Manyika was saying something and I want to hear.
ANDRÁS: No! I’m not giving the phone back and you can’t ever speak to Manyika again.
TERI: Why?
ANDRÁS: Because I’ve had enough. I counted to ten three times.
TERI: That’s very little time.
ANDRÁS: Look, one, two...
TERI: Okay.
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ANDRÁS: Three, four.
TERI: Okay.
ANDRÁS: Five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten.
TERI: Okay.
ANDRÁS: Eleven, twelve.
TERI: Sweetie.
ANDRÁS: Fifteen, sixteen, seventeen, eighteen, nineteen, twenty, twenty-one!, twenty-two!
twenty-three!, twenty-four!, twenty-five!, twenty-six!, twenty-seven!, twenty-eight!, twenty-
four!, twenty-five!,
TERI: Twenty-nine, thirty.
ANDRÁS: I’ll count to twenty-five.
TERI: Okay, good, now honey... pretty soon I’ve got to hang up.
ANDRÁS: But I’ve hardly even said anything yet.
TERI: We’ve been talking for ten minutes... Sweetie, listen, like I said, I have to go now, and I’ll
call you again, because this will cost too much and I won’t have any money.
ANDRÁS: Will you call me back now?
TERI: Not today. Sunday.
ANDRÁS: How many times do I sleep?
TERI: Two. Today and tomorrow. Bye Sweetie, I’ve got to go.
ANDRÁS: Hey.
TERI: What.
ANDRÁS: Remember what I told you in the restaurant? You remember?
TERI: What?
ANDRÁS: If you know then tell me.
TERI: I don’t remember. You said so many things.
ANDRÁS: You know.
TERI: That you love me?
ANDRÁS: No.
TERI: Then what?
ANDRÁS: It starts with a K.
TERI: K?
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ANDRÁS: C!
TERI: C?
ANDRÁS: C, yes. You remember?
TERI: Car?
ANDRÁS: Yes. Three, four or five, or six or ten or twenty or twenty-two or twenty-three: did
you get the matchbox cars?
TERI: Yes of course.
ANDRÁS: How many?
TERI: Three... I got them. Don’t worry.
ANDRÁS: Did you get the jeep?
TERI: Yes.
ANDRÁS: And what else?
TERI: Well, the tractor, the dump-truck, and a go-cart.
ANDRÁS: Five or four?
TERI: Four.
ANDRÁS: Wait. The jeep, the go-cart, the dump-truck.
TERI: Yes.
ANDRÁS: And the tractor.
TERI: Uh huh.
ANDRÁS: Is that it?
TERI: That’s it.
ANDRÁS: What about one of the ones you can sit in?
TERI: No, Sweetie, no. Okay...
ANDRÁS: I want all four.
TERI: I have to go, okay?
ANDRÁS: When will you have enough money to buy that one?
TERI: We’ll see. I have to work.
ANDRÁS: Okay, but then don’t buy anything.
TERI: I won’t.
ANDRÁS: Save it up, whatever one of those costs.
TERI: Okay.
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ANDRÁS: Save up five-hundred-million dollars.
TERI: If I had that much you could have whatever you wanted.
ANDRÁS: What would I get?
TERI: Anything you wish for. But I don’t have that much money, and never will, because that’s
a lot.
ANDRÁS: Six-thousand dollars?
TERI: I can save that much.
ANDRÁS: Ten dollars?
TERI: That much too. Listen Sweetie, I have to go.
ANDRÁS: One dollar.
TERI: That’s nothing. I’ve got that.
ANDRÁS: That’s a doody-pie, right?
TERI: What?
ANDRÁS: A doody-pie.
TERI: Yes, that’s, uh, a doody pie. Okay, talk to you soon.
ANDRÁS: A doody-sandwich!
TERI: A sandwich.
ANDRÁS: Or a doody-clock!
TERI: Sweetie, I’ll call soon, I promise.
ANDRÁS: Do you have fifty dollars?
TERI: Yes I do.
ANDRÁS: And four-million dollars?
TERI: No. No.
ANDRÁS: Mom.
TERI: Bye-bye.
ANDRÁS: Mom, wait a second.
TERI: I don’t have a second. My money’s all gone.
ANDRÁS: Wait...
TERI: Hello?
ANDRÁS: Hello!
TERI: Okay, I’ve gotta go now.
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ANDRÁS: Why?
TERI: Because my money is gone.
ANDRÁS: Mom!
TERI: What.
ANDRÁS: Listen.
TERI: Yes?
ANDRÁS: Will you buy a camera? A real one?
TERI: Haven’t you got one already? Okay, Sweetie, bye-bye.
ANDRÁS: But one that is only mine.
TERI: We’ll see.
ANDRÁS: Wait Mom! Listen for a second!
TERI: I can’t wait anymore Sweetie.
ANDRÁS: Mom, I think you are a big house and the chimney is your wiener.
TERI: Gotta, go. Kiss-kiss.
ANDRÁS: Mom, you know how great it is. It’s fucking great!
TERI: Hey.
ANDRÁS: It’s fucking great.
TERI: Okay, bye Sweetie, kisses to you.
ANDRÁS: Don’t hang up! (fights with Manyika)
(lights shift as András hears the truth)
TERI: Sweetie, listen, I want to tell you something... The thing is that I can’t go home... I have to
stay here in America.
ANDRÁS: You’re not coming home?
TERI: No.
(pause)
ANDRÁS: And will you call?
TERI: We’ll see... I don’t know... Dunno... I’d rather not... It’s better if we don’t talk for a while.
(she hangs up)
ANDRÁS: (whispers) Mom.
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(exit Manyika)
(lights shift, back to the Mediumt)
MEDIUM: (in the same voice) What is your relationship like with your mother?
ANDRÁS: Mother... My mother is a very strong person, all ego, without any h-h-h-u-u-umility,
regarding any-o-o-o-o-one or any thing, the way she sees things is always best, everyone else is
s-s-s-s-stupid, and wrong... my mother is a very difficult person... it’s impossible to be with her...
even from five thousand miles away... and this is n-n-n-n-not out in the open... she has this huge
e-f-f-f-f-f-f-ect on my energy, and not only on my energy, but she affects the development of my
p-p-p-p-p-p-p-ersonality structure... if you know what I mean.
MEDIUM: And what is your relationship like with your father?
ANDRÁS: Balanced. I haven’t seen him for ten years.
(the Medium makes notes)
Do you mind if I smoke?
MEDIUM: (opens the window) Blow the smoke out the window.
(as if the moment has been rewound, the gesture and sentence is repeated four times)
Blow the smoke out the window...
ANDRÁS: Yes.
MEDIUM... Blow the smoke out the window... Blow the smoke out the window... Blow the
smoke out the window... Blow the smoke out the window...
(after these “bumps” in time, the “original time” continues. The Medium comes away from the
window)
ANDRÁS: Why did you have to say that so many times...?
MEDIUM: Excuse me?
(pause)
ANDRÁS: N-n-n-n-nothing.
MEDIUM: Then I’d like to begin... I’d like this to be a dialogue between us, so it’s not just me
who does all the talking... (counts, writes, flips through a book)... I asked you about the Jews
because I see that you have a very important past among the Jews... in a former life you died in a
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concentration camp, but as a nonbelieving Jew... this is important, because there is a duality
within you... you are the kind of person who doesn’t want to grow up, revolts against all kinds of
repression, whether it comes from the family or society, you don’t accept any authority, you
don’t want to belong anywhere, and still you always end up in situations where you are at the
mercy of these authorities... And what I see here is that you have a very complicated relationship
with your mother, and even you sister, a strong connection and strong identification, and this is
linked to some kind of guilt... in your fear of being humiliated and deserted you have developed a
double life, a mystical internal world, an outside, compliant, good-little-boy, compromising
behavior... the sign of Gemini is a perfect base for all of this... you are a triple Gemini, your Sun,
your ascendant, and you Mars are all in the sign of Gemini...
(the phone rings)
Excuse me. (she picks up the phone) Hello... yes, it’s me... oh, hello... I see, aha... yes... well, I
can’t really answer this right now, and I’m not sure I can answer it at all... the question is,
whether you must go through with this heart operation, and if the date of the operation is a good
one, well, if it must be done, then any date is fine... aha... well, I can’t answer this right this
minute... aha... yes... well, after Monday I won’t be home until the end of January... mmmhm...
(looks at her calendar) yes, yes, I know... I know... but I’m really very busy... listen, I can offer
one alternative, and this is reaching way into my free time, you understand... we can meet one
morning and discuss this... okay? let’s say... Friday morning at seven... Moscow Square... there’s
a Burger King there... yes, yes, yes, okay?... (she writes it down) well then... what do I look like?
I have no idea.
ANDRÁS: Whoa.
MEDIUM: (suddenly dropping her psychic persona) What do I look like... What do I look
like… (looks at András) I have short hair, and I don’t dress up feminine... I wear glasses...
(jokingly, artificially) And I’ll recognize you by the red rose in your hand, okay?... all right, then
see you there at seven, Friday morning... Burger King... until then, I hope you feel better... good-
bye. (she hangs up) Pardon me. (she studies the horoscope, and in the following monologue,
András mutters the main words after her) So... your life revolves around consciously bettering
yourself... because right now it seems like you don’t have access to something, a part of you that
is also you, a locked away self in your unconscious, a blocked part of your personality perhaps
it’s your better self who wants to help... you should try to make peace with your mother... you
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mother really has a strong character... she is really a man... and this whole thing of motherhood
and all that goes along with it was a sacrifice on her part... in other words, this wasn’t her role, it
wasn’t her job, but she sacrificed herself, and now she’s taking revenge on all the things around
her... sure, she did everything she had to, but she did it with bitterness and felt like a martyr...
(looks at the horoscope, András also falls silent) You also have a woman inside you, and you
can’t push down this hysterical being, and she can’t win either...
ANDRÁS: (slowly, with emphasis) My mother is a man?
MEDIUM: Yes.
ANDRÁS: And my father?
MEDIUM: Your father... (looks at the horoscope) Your father is a woman... yes... a sensitive
artist type... What does he do?
ANDRÁS: He’s a boot camp captain.
MEDIUM: He would rather have been a kindergarten teacher or a hairdresser.
ANDRÁS: And my sister?
MEDIUM: Hmm... it’s hazy... Did she ever ride horses?
ANDRÁS: Yes.
MEDIUM: Well, I do see a jockey, but her gender...
ANDRÁS: (slowly) My mother is the only man in the family?
MEDIUM: Chromosomes may lie, but the stars do not.
ANDRÁS: And my grandparents?
MEDIUM: Let’s see... your grandfather on your father’s side... yes, he was a woman too..
however, good news, your grandmother was a woman also... so there are two women on that
side... on the other side, on your mother’s side, that’s even more interesting... your mother’s
mother was androgynous, a hermaphrodite, with balanced yin-yang energies and qualities... and
your grandfather... well!, he’s a real man, strong, a patriarch, someone who keeps the family
together, protects and rules, a real chief. Was he like that?
ANDRÁS: No.
MEDIUM: What was he like then?
ANDRÁS: I don’t remember.
MEDIUM: Is he no longer living?
ANDRÁS No, thank God.
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MEDIUM: Why do you say that?
ANDRÁS: Why shouldn’t I thank God?
(the downstairs buzzer rings, the Medium goes out to answer it, then comes back, sits
down and resumes her character)
MEDIUM: So your freedom depends on the frame that is the family... but basically, in a deeper
sense, you have to find your way back to your past... There is a very ancient and strong feeling of
guilt, which points back to the distant past, to your previous lives, and although I’m sure you
don’t believe in that, you should confront this part of yourself in order to get free of these
inhibitions that block you... it is because of them that you can’t surrender yourself... you want to
find the meaning of each moment through force, as if at every moment you are waiting for the
death of the moment, some final, frightening, and uplifting ending...
(she puts down the horoscope, quiet) Well, that’s all.
(the gesture and the sentence repeat: the Medium picks up the horoscope and puts it down) Well,
that’s all... (picks up the horoscope and puts it down) Well, that’s all... (picks up the horoscope
and puts it down) Well, that’s all... (picks up the horoscope and puts it down) Well, that’s all...
(picks up the horoscope and puts it down) Well, that’s all... (the Medium stands up and time
“returns”)
Have a nice day.
(András slowly stands up, they shake hands, the buzzer rings, a tableau)
Scene Six
(Kriszta and Zoé in the dentist’s office where they work)
ZOÉ: Who’s the guy in the waiting room?

KRISZTA: Mr. Paulai. He’s had a shot already.
ZOÉ: He looks like Chewbacca from Star Wars.
KRISZTA: Right. The monkey?
ZOÉ: Harrison Ford’s friend.
KRISZTA: Chewbacca... Is he the only one waiting?
ZOÉ: Yes... András is coming later, a filling fell out.
KRISZTA: Has your mother arrived yet?
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ZOÉ: Yeah, but she left for the country on the next train.
KRISZTA: How come?
ZOÉ: I have no idea.
KRISZTA: Tony?
ZOÉ: Tony!... I don’t think Mom’s doing too well. Tóni’s got some new girlfriend again.
KRISZTA: You’re not looking too well yourself... What’s going on with Dani? You still...?
ZOÉ: I was over at his place yesterday... him and Kristóf were sitting in front of the TV... they’d
had a couple bottles of wine already... they were smoking pot... they sprinkled crumbs and salt
into the joint: “the staff of life,” and then Dani rewound the answering machine and said, check
this out... this distorted voice said...
(we hear the voice)
VOICE:... the moment has come... the animals speak... (laughing) Danny-boy, the time has
come... your chick is masturbating to Prodigy in her nylon jogging shorts, Danny-boy, I hope
you’re ready, Klauzál Square is the gate to hell and your apartment is the cauldron where I’m
gonna fry your little faggot prick, I’ll shove it down your throat and cut it out of your stomach...
(whines)... bow-wow, peep-peep, oink-oink... (whispering) Danny-boy... you wanna fuck the sky
but your dick can’t fly? too late, Danny-boy, it’s too late... Halloween’s centipede is crawling at
you... tomorrow... tomorrow... we’ll meet tomorrow... (shrieking, the line goes dead)
(bewildered silence)
KRISZTA: Is that some friend of yours?
ZOÉ: Dani thinks it’s Tamás... but Tamás isn’t like that... he doesn’t even know about Dani, but
even if he did... even then... he wouldn’t...
KRISZTA: I swear... I don’t know what I would do with a guy who did that... right... only men
can do things like that... oink-oink!... can you imagine a woman doing a thing like that?
ZOÉ: No.
KRISZTA: I swear, only men.
ZOÉ: Yeah.
KRISZTA: Men! I’m totally fed up with men... Men love only one thing, if you praise their
dicks, that you’ve never seen it from such an angle before, how big, gigantic, like the leaning
tower of Pisa, or the Sears Tower, and then they don’t want to believe you, they say, naw, but
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only so you’ll go on… Eiffel Tower!, Empire State Building! That’s all men are. Zip. Frustrated
jerks.
ZOÉ: Kristóf promised he would take Ági’s virginity tonight, and instead he’s at a skateboard
competition in Dunavarsány.
KRISZTA: They’re all psychopaths. Insane... We’ll talk about this later, you’d better have... Mr.
Chewbacca come in.
ZOÉ: (calls out to the waiting room) Mr. Paulai.
(Mr. Paulai approaches hesitantly)
KRISZTA: Mr. Paulai! My dear!
MR. PAULAI: Uh.
KRISZTA: (points to the “dentist’s chair”) Right. Please sit down. (she puts the plastic bib on
him) Are we numb?
MR. PAULAI: (nods) Huhh.
KRISZTA: Open wide... nice and wide!... Right. Perfect.
(Zoé holds the “saliva drain,” Kriszta puts swabs of cotton in his mouth and begins to “drill,”
Mr. Paulai’s feet twitch, Kriszta takes out the “drill”)
Do we want another shot?
(Mr. Paulai shakes his head)
(she continues drilling) What a small mouth we have, I can hardly fit... (she drills, then puts
down the drill) Okay, time for the inlay. Let’s see, yes: diagonally... to the upper sixth... (takes
the wet cotton from his mouth and with an instrument blows air into his mouth, Mr. Paulai’s feet
twist, she puts in more cotton)
Do we like music?
(Mr. Paulai tries to nod)
No squirming... right... yesterday I went to a concert at the Music Academy... the title of the piece
was... do we speak English?
(Mr. Paulai grunts something)
... the title was “St. Francis interrupted by a bird”... right... but “interruption” can also mean
“abortion”... “St. Francis interrupted by a bird”... (works) He can’t answer, poor, poor man, just
listening to the silly girl talk... right, there we go... open wide... relax... wider... right... here...
does it hurt here?
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MR. PAULAI: Huh.
KRISZTA: (whispers) “St. Francis interrupted by a bird”....
(Mr. Paulai lays with his eyes closed, Kriszta slaps his chest)
KRISZTA: No sleeping.
(Mr. Paulai moans)
(threateningly) I’ve already had an argument with one of my patients today... I can be very ugly...
Okay!... open up... wide... wider... even wider! (she puts more cotton in his mouth wildly, they
seem to be wrestling)
Scene Seven
(the police station)
TERI:
So I get there and Tony’s eating watermelon, she is out, but the place looks like a gypsy camp:
the bathroom’s a mess, the whole apartment’s dirty, everything everywhere. And he puts his arm
around me, kisses me, and says, “Let’s go…” He packs his bag and we go. It might have been
an angel in my ear, it might have been the devil, but I couldn’t say no. That man got me so
confused I couldn’t think, which is how it came to pass that I gave up my children for him. He
asks if we still got something between us, and I think, yeah, I got something, because I still love
him, I don’t know why. He is so bad, but then again I am so dumb.
I say, “Come back,” but then I say, “You gotta get tested for everything, even AIDS.” And I say
to myself, self, if you’re asking him for this, you might as well get looked at too.
I go to the doctor and he checks me out: eyes, breasts, all of it, and I’m lying there on the table
and I make a joke because we’re friends, “Doctor, sometimes I have this constipation,” and he
goes, “Teri, if you’ll pardon the expression, you’re full of shit.” He’s funny, I’m funny, we’re
cracking up, he’s checking my belly, and then all of a sudden no one’s laughing. He says, “Teri,
you have a lump in your belly…”
They had to give me an inter-venous. First I took a pill, then they stuck my arm, on and on for
three and a half days. I got the chemo from eleven to twelve every day, like hot irons twisting in
my body…
One day we’re driving up the turnpike to look at houses and Tony says to me, “Teri, I thought it
over. The business and the real estate, let’s do it so that when you’re alive it’s yours,” he’s tellin
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me, “and when I’m alive it’s mine.” So I get everything if he dies first, he says, and vice reversa.
I think there must be something up because as good as Tony looks, I know men. I was a
chambermaid in Hungary and I never met a man worse than Tony but then again I never knew a
dumber woman than me. He thinks he’s scaring me, swervin into potholes by the side of the
road, makin the hair stand up in my armpits.
All that day and all night I’m calling my brother Zoli over here in Hungary, but no answer. So I
call my friend, and her husband Kalman answers the phone. As I’m talkin to him he must have
said real quiet to my friend – Because I’m saying, “Listen Kalman, go over to Zoli’s, because
I’ve been trying to get him for days, with no answer, and what if he has some problem?” And he
must have told my friend real quiet, but not quiet enough, “She doesn’t know her brother is
dead.”
I sat in my car. I drove around until I saw Tony’s car parked in front of this beach motel. The
manager wouldn’t let me in, Tony told him not to, so I spilled about my brother. What did I want
from Tony? I guess just someone to see my tears or – you know, you get a hug or something, I
don’t even know. The guy lets me in the room and I say, “Listen Tony, Zoli is dead. My brother
is dead.” And Tony says to me, Tony says, “Yeah. Everybody dies.”
I got to go back to the chemotherapy doctor, the same one, and he looks me over everywhere, my
back, my breasts, and then he says very cautious, “I’m sorry for what I’m about to say. I found
another lump on your left side.” The ultrasound showed it too. They say they won’t give me
chemo without a biopsy, then the next doctor says it’s cancer. It came back. By this point I have
four doctors. One shoves me off on the other, the next one on the next, no one tells me the truth,
but everyone agrees I don’t have much time. I tell the chemo doctor I won’t have another
operation or any more chemo. I say, “You took care of me. And now the devil or the angels are
gonna take care of me. Or I myself.” I say that when my time comes to go to the hospital for the
end, I don’t want nothing but pain relief. I don’t want nothing. I don’t want them doing nothing
more to me.
I even went to a fortune teller, and she told me that I have dead children swimming around in my
blood, and every lump is a little child’s head…
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Scene Eight
(Zoé and András later that day, at the dentist’s office)
ANDRÁS: I wish I were a fish... a dolphin. Dolphins aren’t afraid of heights... I get nauseous
even while I’m sitting down, or lying on the bed... Even now I’m feeling kind of sick, I’m afraid
of h-h-h-h-horizontal heights, gravity somehow turns, and I fall into the room (he shows that he is
falling towards Zoé)... And dolphins don’t live in society, they live in love... I can’t live in
society... especially not in this capitalist s-s-s-s-system. This capitalist s-s-s-s-system humiliates
me, strangles me, doesn’t allow my hidden and exceptional talents to shine, doesn’t let my
personality open and develop, this free market computer-generated ca-ca-ca-ca-pitalism
oppresses me, digests me, chews me up and spits me out... How much better off I’d be if I were a
dolphin in the ocean!... and not this, a... s-s-s-stinkhole... a loser...
ZOÉ: On the stinkhole trip again.
ANDRÁS: A loser, picking through garbage cans... the excrement of society, a useless element...
ZOÉ: You exaggerate, Sweetie.
ANDRÁS: Rot-rot-rotten... I eat what the brokers throw away.
ZOÉ: You’re imagining things.
ANDRÁS: Maybe to you, but for me this is the bleak reality.
(pause)
You want some gum?
ZOÉ: No thanks.
(András pops some gum in his mouth, summoning all his strength, he chews with his whole body,
then grabs his face, freezes)
ANDRÁS: Oh.
ZOÉ: András Sweetie... chew in the front.
ANDRÁS: (whispers) I’m not a mouse.
ZOÉ: Then spit it out. The garbage is over there.
ANDRÁS: No. (he swallows the gum with a painful face)
ZOÉ: You swallowed it?
ANDRÁS: Yeah.
ZOÉ: (sighs) You know what your problem is?
ANDRÁS: Yeah I know.
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ZOÉ: What.
ANDRÁS: That I hate living. But why do I hate living? Because life sucks.
ZOÉ: I don’t think it’s so bad.
ANDRÁS: Death sucks. There’s no difference: life sucks, death sucks.
ZOÉ: Why does life suck?
ANDRÁS: Because there are more foxes with sticks than dancing bunnies.
ZOÉ: Huh?
ANDRÁS: (ponders) This afternoon the Medium said that there is an angel hidden within me...
my better half... that’s it! The stuttering! That’s him, the s-s-s-s-stuttering, s-s-s-s-stuttering, s-s-
s-stuttering...
ZOÉ: Are you doing this on purpose?
ANDRÁS: Zoé, do you think I’m normal?
ZOÉ: Yes, you are normal.
ANDRÁS: One day I became left handed, when all my life I was right handed. Isn’t that weird?
ZOÉ: No.
ANDRÁS: Every night I get panicky... the floorboards start moving, the chandelier swings... I
hear a voice that says, jump out the window. Is that natural?
ZOÉ: It’s natural.
ANDRÁS: I have this zipper phobia... if I see a zipper, I faint... The scale always says something
different, my weight alters every minute, or is gravity fluctuating...? Do you think that’s normal?
ZOÉ: It’s normal.
ANDRÁS: Whole days repeat themselves.
ANDRÁS: I have these hallucinations. For example...
(lights shift: a premonition, or an entry of the present into the past)
ZOÉ: By tonight you’ll be dead.
ANDRÁS: Excuse me...?
ZOÉ: I have to go soon.
ANDRÁS: But what did you say before?
ZOÉ: What do you mean, before?
ANDRÁS: You said...
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ZOÉ: What?
ANDRÁS: Before you said that by tonight I’ll be... dead?
ZOÉ: Sweetie. Before, I said I have to go soon... Jesus! (she embraces him) Poor baby. (she
caresses him) Poor, poor baby... Calm down... (they kiss, sway)... Sweetie... you kiss so well...
(they continue kiss)
(lights shift back, András takes out a gun, Zoé jumps up)
ANDRÁS: It’s a toy.
ZOÉ: You put that away, right now.
(András puts the gun away, and takes out a somewhat bigger gun from his other pocket)
You’ve got a whole arsenal on you I see.
(András slowly points the gun at her)
Put it away, or else...
ANDRÁS: “... or else I’ll beat an eternal smile onto your face”... That’s what you always said,
you and Mom.
ZOÉ: András... what’s going on with Esther?
ANDRÁS: (confused, puts the gun away) W-w-w-what Esther?
ZOÉ: Your girlfriend, what Esther.
ANDRÁS: Girlfriend? I don’t have a girlfriend. Esther, who is E-e-e-e-esther?
ZOÉ: Did you break up?
ANDRÁS: W-w-w-where do you get these ideas... I’ve never had any g-g-g-girlfriend Esther... I
don’t... I don’t date: “you like me, your place or mine?”... no, I don’t date. I imagine it and
already we’ve broken up.
ZOÉ: András, you’re...
ANDRÁS: Rot-rot-rotten! A disfigured mutation, a mistake, a gene k-k-k-kink, a body infested
with maggots, indigestion, a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a... (out of breath)
ZOÉ: If there weren’t women, there wouldn’t be any you.
ANDRÁS: Are you referring to Miss Teri?
ZOÉ: You call Mom Miss Teri?
(pause)
Remember, you always used to call Grandpa’s mustache: mouthbrow.
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ANDRÁS: Mouthbrow... but w-w-w-w-which grandpa? Miss Teri’s boy-girl mom-dad or... you
don’t know, but we had th-th-th-th-three grandmothers, or rather... two grandmothers, but one of
them is grandpa, there there’s yinyang grandma, the snail, and then there was Chief Grandpa
and... but this is nothing, because Miss Teri, she’s really our father- Mr. Teri, and our father is
our mother, um- Miss Sanyi... Miss Sanyi, who is probably lying in the sun somewhere in
California, really wanted to be a kindergarten teacher or a h-h-h-h-hairdresser, but he had to join
the army, and... M-m-m-Mr. Teri would have liked to shoot and go to boxing matches- but
instead she had to give birth to us and cook and clean and put on lipstick and giggle at men’s
stupid jokes and shake her bootie, and in her heart she hated doing these things, but she had to do
them, because of those d-d-d-double crossing, low-down chromosomes...
ZOÉ: Sweetie. Mom is too much of a woman, that’s her problem.
ANDRÁS: Look at me. W-w-w-what do you see?
ZOÉ: I see you.
ANDRÁS: Can you feel the radioactivity?
ZOÉ: Yes.
ANDRÁS: Can you see the red b-b-b-bow in my hair?
ZOÉ: András. Andris dear.
ANDRÁS: A chick with a dick, exciting, huh?
(pause)
ZOÉ: And I’m a guy with a cunt.
(pause)
ANDRÁS: I know. You’re a jockey. I know everything.
(the telephone rings, Zoé picks it up)
VOICE: Here in the garden... I’ll wait for you here...
(András silently mouths the words)
Scene Nine
(Zoé and Dan ii Zoé’s apartment, same day)
DANI: Is it the same voice?
ZOÉ: Yes, but it seemed to be a recording.
(we hear the voice)
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VOICE: Here in the garden... I’ll wait for you here... by the currant bush... It’s, so-so-so cold...
my foot is cold, little pig, little pig ... let me in...
DANI: Currant bush?
ZOÉ: There’s a currant bush by the apple trees at my house.
DANI: The one that kinda leans on the fence?
ZOÉ: Yes.
DANI: Hmm... And what did you do?
ZOÉ: Nothing- what could I have done?... Besides, András was standing right there next to me.
DANI: That was it?
ZOÉ: No... then he started to chant... Little pig, little pig...
DANI: Little pig, little pig let me in...
(pause)
ZOÉ: And then he said that (stops, puts her hand in front of her mouth) I can’t repeat it... I’m
sorry.
DANI: Tissue.
(Zoé takes the tissue and blows her nose)
VOICE:... or do you want to come to my place instead...?
DANI: Yes...
VOICE: ... we’ll walk hand in hand... I’m not gonna lie... I don’t want to frighten you... my
blushing bride... my love... my darling... tonight behind the bushes... I’ll show you my dark
secret... don’t be afraid.. you’ll stay beautiful... with black hair... so help me God... tonight...
(pause)
DANI: He wants us to be scared, this is his perversion... this is how he rapes us.
(pause)
(gathering his things) I’ve gotta go.
ZOÉ: Tomorrow? Can we meet?
DANI: When?
ZOÉ: Five- your place?
DANI: How much time do you have?
ZOÉ: Until seven.
(pause)
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DANI: I’d rather not then.
(pause)
ZOÉ: I can’t stand to be without you another day.
DANI: You’re with me from five till seven, then Tamás, there’s all morning, and the afternoon...
you could have four or five guys in waiting...
ZOÉ: Do you have to do this?
DANI: Tell Tamás he can quit making phone calls. (starts out)
ZOÉ: (trying to stay calm) Wait. Wait a minute.
DANI: (stops short) What?
ZOÉ: Sit down for a second.
(Dani sits down)
(with breaks) I don’t want to be a burden... I don’t want you to feel uncomfortable... If you don’t
want me... if you don’t love me... then...
DANI: Just forget it, okay? (stands up)
(the door opens, Tamás enters)
TAMÁS: Hey! Dani! (they shake hands) I’m glad you’re here, I wanted to talk to you... what’s
up?
DANI: Nothing much.
TAMÁS: We’re gonna have this concert at the Spring Arts Fair, and we need someone, we need
a voice.
DANI: I’ll call you and we’ll discuss it, but I’ve gotta go to rehearsal now... ciao. (exit)
TAMÁS: Ciao. (sits down and lights up, stares at Zoé)
Is there something wrong? (takes hold of Zoé’s hand) Are you mad at me?
ZOÉ: No.
(pause)
TAMÁS: You wanna go down to the pub? Oh, your mom is coming.
(pause)
You know which animal we did with Levente today? The ant.
ZOÉ: Ants don’t make sound.
TAMÁS: Our ant sings. (doesn’t know what do with himself, stares at Zoé) Zoé.
ZOÉ: Hmm.
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TAMÁS: You’re uh, kind of in a low mood aren’t you? But it’s okay, I like it, you know, I like
depressive, melancholic, goth chicks...
ZOÉ: Could you please be quiet.
(Tamás is silent, but then he can’t stand it)
TAMÁS: Did you know that ants don’t sleep at all? Their whole lives are spent awake and
working... I thought of you- you aren’t a very good sleeper either...
(Zoé looks at him silently)
You wanna beat the staring world record?
(pause)
You can’t be depressed all the time.
ZOÉ: I’m going to leave you.
(pause)
TAMÁS: May I ask why?
ZOÉ: We don’t get along.
TAMÁS: We got along fine until now.
ZOÉ: No we didn’t.
(pause)
TAMÁS: (starts pacing nervously) But seriously, what’s your problem?
ZOÉ: You are my problem.
TAMÁS: You hate me.
ZOÉ: No.
TAMÁS: Yes, you do... you hate that I bite my nails, that I act like a child, that I make noise at
the movies, that I argue with strangers on the street, you hate how I talk on the phone, the way I
chew on my mouth, the way I move, the way I eat in front of the TV, the way I sing in the
shower, you hate that it takes me forever to get ready, that I leave the toilet seat up, that I order
you around, that I make fun of you, you hate that I don’t take care of you when you’re sick, you
hate that I’ll never grow up, that I poke my nose into everything, you hate it that I pick through
your purse, you hate that I’m hyper-active, you hate that I’m a man, you hate that I have desires,
you hate having sex with me, you hate that I never know when it’s enough, you hate that I cheat
on you, you hate that we ever met, that I’m alive, that I breathe, but most of all you hate that you
can’t leave me.
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(pause)
ZOÉ: You cheat on me?
TAMÁS: No, I don’t, that one isn’t true.
ZOÉ: You cheat on me.
TAMÁS: No I don’t.
ZOÉ: But you flirt.
TAMÁS: I do not flirt.
ZOÉ: You grope them when I’m not looking, you’re that type, you can’t control yourself.
TAMÁS: I grope them my ass.
ZOÉ: If you’re not capable of having a normal discussion...
TAMÁS: I swear to the almighty God that I don’t flirt and don’t grope anyone.
ZOÉ: Only Julie last week at the pub.
TAMÁS: I did not touch Julie.
ZOÉ: Yes you did.
(pause)
TAMÁS: Why are you doing this... you know that nothing and nobody else matters... If we lived
in a hut at the North Pole I wouldn’t care... if you never speak to me again, it’s okay... just let me
stay by you... please don’t leave me... I can’t live without you...
(they look at each other)
ZOÉ: Save your breath.
TAMÁS: Shit! (He leaves,, slams the door)
Scene Ten
(the police station)
TERI: I got some cyanide from the factory I used to work at, but I couldn’t kill myself. I bought
a ticket to Hungary, and luckily they didn’t look in my bags on the way over. I sat next to the
door on the train to Füred, this automatic door that hissed, I had a heart attack every time
someone opened it: hiss. I check into the hotel and tell them I’m a good friend of Antal Zsohar,
that’s Tony. I tell the manager lady, “Antal Zsohar broke off with his partner, and I know he got
to be friendly with a young, blonde woman.” I didn’t know nothing, of course – it was what you
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might call an educated guess. “He sends a little present, but my relatives’ kids messed up my
luggage and I lost her name. Can you help me?”
The manager lady goes, “Maybe you ought to talk to this receptionist, Bernadett. She was on
good terms with Tony. He took her places, he bought her flowers, he slept there. I’ll introduce
you.”
I meet this Bernadett. What can I say? I say, “Are you the young lady who knows Antal
Zsohar?” She tells me yes. She’s got foundation and powder caked on so thick I’m thinking, at
least something’s holding your face together. What can I say? I say, “Please,” but by this time
my hand is shaking so much she asks me what’s wrong. I tell her, “I’ve got this shaking sickness
and I can’t stop,” she asks me can she get me something, I say, “Coffee would be nice.”
She brings me the coffee and we start talking, and she tells me all about how she was such good
friends with Tony, and he was so nice, that he promised her he’d take her to Canada, how “He’s a
man alone,” how he said he was gonna marry her. She tells me how he bought her things and
where they went and that they did everything… I’m thinking, “You should have done us all a
favor and flowed down your mother’s legs.”
I have met some bad women, but her. Tony knows nothing in bed, and this woman says she did
for him… something that in America costs three hundred dollars for half an hour… and which I
never did because as a girl I went to church every week, and confessed.
What can I say? I say, “Can you prove you are this lady? Because Tony sent her a present and I
can’t give it to you unless I know you’re the right person.” “Sure,” she says, and opens up a
drawer and takes out all these letters, from him to her.
I book a room, they wanted to give me the one Tony stayed it but I tell them not that one, I’d
rather have the garden room. I tell the manager I want to throw a party. “Antal Zsohar would
want it,” I say, “I’m throwing a party.” I invite everybody, the whole staff. I buy the drinks, tell
the boy to bring them up to my room first… I put on this little tape player I have, everyone is
smoking and having a good time. When I see everyone drinking from their drinks just how I
want, I turn off the music. “Sorry for one minute, but I have something to say.” I was dressed up
real nice, standing out there in the middle like a professor. And you know, as bad as I felt, I was
interested to see what would happen next. They all got quiet then and I say, “I…” What can I
say? I say, “I… am Antal Zsohar’s partner! And why am I here? So that all of you will die!” It
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got quieter than Hiroshima after the bomb. They held up their glasses to the light, and all started
to scream…
Scene Eleven
(András-1 confronts the locked-away part of himself: András-2)
ANDRÁS-2: Oh God. Oh God.

ANDRÁS-1: Shut up already.
ANDRÁS-2: We walk out, sorry, but we’ll see each other at the next family get-together, bye?
ANDRÁS-1: We’ll never meet again.
ANDRÁS-2: Because?
ANDRÁS-1: We’ll open the safe and...
ANDRÁS-2: And?
ANDRÁS-1: And.
ANDRÁS-2: And if they don’t tell us the code?
ANDRÁS-1: Then... (he shows that body parts will be cut off)
ANDRÁS-2: You are... y-y-y-you are really not n-n-n-n-normal.
(they stare at each other)
ANDRÁS-1: You annoy me.
ANDRÁS-2: I annoy you?
ANDRÁS-1: Is this why I freed you, so you would annoy me?
ANDRÁS-2: I’ve been aware of my existence for half an hour, and since then we’ve broken and
entered and committed violent acts against my own, our own sister.
ANDRÁS-1: Not a half hour, twenty minutes.
ANDRÁS-2: (looks at his watch) Twenty-five.
ANDRÁS-1: Twenty-five, twenty, thirty, or one-thousand- what’s the difference?!
(pause)
ANDRÁS-1: You’re my better half, dammit? What an ass I am, I should have let you shrivel up
and die in there.
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ANDRÁS-2: But there’s something you don’t know- the atavistic remnants of your past are all
swirling in there, the rotted tree stumps, the dinosaur eggs, the Neanderthal skull, frozen clouds,
saliva, stench, dirt- your subconscious is pretty complex. You should confront this part of
yourself in order to get free of these inhibitions that block you... You want to find the meaning of
each moment through force, as if at every moment you are waiting for the death of the moment,
some final, frightening, and uplifting ending...
ANDRÁS-1: Shut up!... You’re confusing me! Here I am on the brink of action, damn
capitalists...!
ANDRÁS-2: Capitalists... This is crazy...
ANDRÁS-1: Shut up!
(pause)
ANDRÁS-2: Y-Y-Y-You can’t get out of th-th-th-this one.
ANDRÁS-1: I don’t want to get out. I want to finish it.
ANDRÁS-2: Perhaps, but without me.
ANDRÁS-1: You will stay here and watch the street from the window.
ANDRÁS-2: Are we going to be cutting off ears and noses?
ANDRÁS-1: That’s no concern of yours.
ANDRÁS-2: I don’t want to live with someone who’s cut off a nose.
ANDRÁS-1: Just make sure no one comes.
ANDRÁS-2: Promise you won’t hurt them.
ANDRÁS-1: I’ll gag Tamás with a sock, I checked on him before... I think... he’s-
ANDRÁS-2: H-h-h-he’s what?
ANDRÁS-1: He might still be alive- I think it’s his heart.
ANDRÁS-2: Oh God!
ANDRÁS-1: (laughs) Relax. Tamás is an asshole- he’d deserve it, one less internet-surfing, free-
market-economy capitalist fuck.
ANDRÁS-2: Capitalist... but really what do you mean by c-c-c-c-capitalist?
ANDRÁS-1: A capitalist, it should be taken from him.
ANDRÁS-2: What?
ANDRÁS-1: Everything.
ANDRÁS-2: Why is Tamás a capitalist?
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ANDRÁS-1: He’s a lazy bum, therefore he’s an international blood-sucker of the working-class.
ANDRÁS-2: Where do you come up with these incredible...
ANDRÁS-1: I live on a level of consciousness- not in the swamp of the subconscious. (he points
his gun at him) You’ll be dead soon.
ANDRÁS-2: B-b-b-but I helped you didn’t I?
ANDRÁS-1: Yeah, you screamed.
ANDRÁS-2: I can’t stand violence.
ANDRÁS-1: Even a rat is braver than you.
ANDRÁS-2: I’m on my period.
(András-1 freezes, then points the other gun at him too)
I’m your better half.
ANDRÁS-1: The stuttering in my mouth... in my brain.
ANDRÁS-2: Okay, fine, I’ll watch the street, but do it a-a-a-already! Go! do it!... You drive me
crazy! Crazy! I know exactly what you want!- you- you- incestuous animal! I-i-i-i-incest! D-d-d-
d-disgusting! I know why she’s your dentist! Our dentist!... Our father is gone, our mother is on
her death bed, and she’s in bed with her boyfriend!
Scene Twelve
(Teri, no longer at the police station)
TERI: Vitamin C? Vitamin C? The Lieutenant tells me it turned out to be ground-up vitamin
C... they’ll be fine. I poured vitamin C in their champagne. He says, “Still, you intended to
commit a crime...” What can I say? I say, “It wasn’t a crime, it was just a trick so they’ll never
forget me... my daughter and son are waiting for me at home,” I say, “Let me go, I’ve got a lump
in my breast, in my stomach, the Hungarian government will have to pay a fortune for medical
bills if they keep me under arrest... you can’t punish a corpse...” (she looks around, pause, cries)
Tony, Tony... I would have killed for you… how that woman cried... cursed me... Tony... darling
Tony...
(Music. An angel arrives and removes the lumps from Teri’s body with fiery clamps. They
dance)
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Scene Thirteen
(András and Zoé)
ANDRÁS: Plum-pie, Phoenix, Nimrod-
ZOÉ: Samba, Senior, Matilda-
ANDRÁS: Chicago, Taboo, Jessica-
ZOÉ: Caliban, Akeron, Sly-
(short pause)
ANDRÁS: Uncle Charlie!
ZOÉ: Uncle Charlie.
ANDRÁS: “It’s so hot in here.”
ZOÉ: I’ll take off my top.
ANDRÁS: (writes the first letters of the indented words on the wall) “Darling girl, I Can Kiss so
fine.”
ZOÉ: Uncle Charlie, you’re so silly.
ANDRÁS: Panties down, no more frown.
ZOÉ: Uncle Charlie, you’re not being a gentleman.
ANDRÁS: You have such sweet kisses.
(Zoé pushes him away)
ANDRÁS: Quit squirming or I’ll have to get ugly!
ZOÉ: You’re an idiot.
ANDRÁS: Horsey... (rhythmic motions) Sturgeon, Verdict, Atlanta, Magnate-
ZOÉ: (she plays horsey with him) Lily-pad, Samurai, Hawk-eye, Tiny, Gamba, Dandy,
Sweetness-
ANDRÁS: (chasing Zoé) Balamber, Hunor, Barbara, Merry, Malika, Orban-
(dark)
Scene Fourteen
(light, they are sitting on the floor)
ANDRÁS: (the voice on the phone) “... hand-in-hand we walk... I’m not gonna lie... I don’t want
to frighten you... my blushing bride... my love... tonight behind the bushes... I’ll show you my
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dark secret... don’t be afraid... your skin will stay soft... your hair black... so help me God...
tonight...”
ZOÉ: But you were right there next to me...
ANDRÁS: I wanted to see your eyes.
ZOÉ: András, let me go-
ANDRÁS: The shivering, diamond crown on your head...
ZOÉ: Dani is coming over.
ANDRÁS: That asswipe.
ZOÉ: I love Dani, and-
ANDRÁS: (yells) Don’t you dare say his name again, or else...
ZOÉ: Or else? You’ll tell on me?
(dark)
Scene Fifteen
(light, they are lying on the floor)
ANDRÁS: Will you be a good girl? Do you promise?
(Zoé nods, András takes a gag from her mouth)
ZOÉ: (panting) András.
ANDRÁS: (puts his index finger in front of his mouth) Shhh! Shhh!... Now I will tell you
everything... I was fifteen... fourteen...? sixteen...? It was after Chernobyl, in the park... the sun
was shining, the birds were chirping... I had been standing by a bush for about an hour, holding
pieces of the scenery in my eye: a dog pees while running, another laps it up right away, an old
man leans on his cane wheezing, a wet blade of grass sticks to his ankle, the zebra from the zoo is
standing by the fence... yes, the grass was grass, the summer was summer, the blue sky was
blue... everything was perfect, everything was just as it should be, the non-being of things did not
lurk out from under their being... And then, yes then I realized that nature has no damned
philosophy at all, there is no explanation, no virtue... because there is nothing questionable in
nature at all- everything is completely and without a doubt exactly what it is... I wanted to yell
out: nature is an irrational action, a silly mania, a painful hiccup- I wanted to say something, but
at that moment a bee landed on my lip... something started to suck me upwards- I fell into the
sky...
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ZOÉ: András.
ANDRÁS: To understand nature is to become nature- nature, which expresses itself in
cataclysms...
ZOÉ: András.
ANDRÁS: (whispers) Have you ever looked at a centipede from up close? It’s a real killer, will
even kill a rat, slices it up with its special teeth- a monster.
ZOÉ: András....
ANDRÁS: (starts his speech again) I never left the house after that... I traced a m-m-m-mildew
stain in the kitchen- and I realized that it was the map of heaven... I wrote a letter to God, but I
didn’t know the address... I though I might find some clue in the Bible... but my old habit of
counting the boards of the floor, the patterns in the rug, and the lines on the wallpaper came out
again and it took me hours to even get near the Good Book... do you think that’s normal?
ZOÉ: (whispers) It’s normal.
ANDRÁS: I wrote a letter to the President of the Republic, that there was radiation all over, I
wrote to the p-p-p-police chief! the prime minister!- Is that normal?
ANDRÁS: My ideas were polluting the air that others breathed, and so I became a grain of
wheat... but then I was afraid that a pigeon would eat me- is that normal?
ANDRÁS: I marched into the hallway yelling and screaming, and standing in the window I
announced to the masses waiting on the street that I, as lord of the elements, would destroy the
earth, and use the ruins as a pulpit, would stand on it, touch the sun and moon and proclaim into
the endless universe: beware of me!
It that normal?
(dark)
Scene Sixteen
(light, András is stroking Zoé’s head)
ANDRÁS: Rock-a-bye baby on the tree top... w-w-w-w-what is she dreaming... my darling little
dreamer... (rocks her, coughs) Okay... do I rock you?... Do I leave you alone... Sleep... What are
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you doing?... Sleeping, sleeping, sleeping... Sleep. Did you wake up?... Do I ask you your name?
Whatsyourname?... You have to be quiet for five minutes... Whatsyourname?...
ZOÉ: Mmm!
ANDRÁS: Oh, your name is “Mmm!” that’s your name... the brochure explains how to talk to
you... Mom will read it to me... Whatsyourname! Whatsyourname!... You like it?... I know you
won’t answer, you’re not very intelligent... You have to close your eyes... like this...
Whatsyourname!... Speak so I can understand you... if you’re so dumb you’ll never make any
money... What do they call you?... All right, sleep now... one-two-three... Bye... You’re not
sleeping... Shall I pull your ear?... Sleep... Come on. Will you never fall asleep? (slaps her
back)... You know how you’ll sleep? If I cover you... please, sleep... Or should I tell you a
bedtime story?... Yes? Bedtime story?... Dear “Mmm,” tonight I will tell you the story of the...
squirrel and the wolf... The squirrel... Once the squirrel jumped off a branch and fell right onto
the head of the sleeping wolf. The wolf woke up and wanted to devour the squirrel... The squirrel
begged him, “Wolf, please let me go.” The wolf answered, “All right, I’ll let you go, but first tell
me why you squirrels are always so cheerful? I’m always in a bad mood, and if someone looks at
you squirrels, you are always jumping around and playing...” The squirrel answered, “I’ll tell you
if you let me go first, because down here I’m afraid of you...” The wolf let the squirrel go, and the
squirrel ran to the top branch and said from there... “We are always cheerful, because we are
good, and never hurt anyone. But you are always in a bad mood, because you are an evil animal
and evil surrounds your heart.” (checks Zoé’s pulse, her breathing, drags her unmoving body into
the dark corner)
(chants) “... little pig, little pig, let me in, little pig, little pig let me in...”
ÁGI: (in the doorway, like a specter) What time is it?
(pause)
ANDRÁS: Sick-sick-six.
(pause)
ÁGI: Kristóf is at a skateboard competition in Dunavarsány.
(pause, András takes out the two guns)
I’m yours... my virginity is yours.
(pause, András lifts the two guns)
ANDRÁS: Be a good girl.
153
(he shoots himself from both sides)
Scene Seventeen
(Teri, in an otherworldly trance)
TERI: ...What a day! I’m gonna make an appointment with the funeral director- I’ll go in- the
guy won’t be there... I’ll say, “What do you mean he’s not here; I came across town,” and the
boss will say, “Oh sorry, but his uncle died and he went to fix things up...” “Okay...” I’ll tell him
what I want; he’ll look at the papers, and shake his head, I’ll say “What is it?” He’ll say, “Not so
fast, you have to pay an extra thirty percent.” “What?” I’ll say, “I have to pay a fine because I
didn’t die? You’ve been using my money for twenty years, I can’t help it if I’m cured.” “Well,”
he’ll say, “If we count the interest rate and everything, you’ll get back about as much as you paid
in.” What can I say? I’ll say, “Whatever, just give me the money.” “Not so fast,” he’ll say, “The
money’s in a transfer bank, so don’t expect anything for two or three months...” Well, on my way
out I’ll stop in at the cemetery, and a man will be standing by the gate and ask, “Who are you
looking for.” I’ll say, “Tony, but I can find him by myself, thank you.” These days you can’t
even be alone at a cemetery. I’ll water the plants, and then he’ll come over again, and say, “Is this
the grave of a relative?” I’ll say, “Yeah, but if you don’t get out of here right away I’m gonna
scream.” “Sorry,” he’ll say, “but I’m the cemetery gardener, and on All Saints Day we like to
have flowers on the graves, here are some, your choice, compliments of the company.” “Oh,” I’ll
say, “Then give me that purple one...” It’ll be getting dark when I start home, and suddenly I'll
hear someone following me, someone is coming after me, and that song’ll come into my head:
“Oh the shark has pretty teeth dear… and he keeps them pearly white... just a jackknife has
MacHeath dear…”
I glance back and there’s Mack the Knife coming after me on Robson Street... and I’m so scared
that I trip over a piece of the sidewalk and fall on my face... and as I’m lying there on the ground,
I’m thinking, should I scream for help or just ask him, please, strangle me fast... And then the
guy, Mack the Knife, passes by me without saying a word. He doesn’t even slow down, doesn’t
look at me, and turns the corner...
Well, that’ll be an exciting day... Poor poor Tony, he’ll get some excitement too, he’ll be in the
intensive care unit by then, because as soon as I get well, he’ll get really sick... he’s never been in
a hospital before, he always says that sickness hates him, but he’ll get his... Oh I will have so
154
much trouble taking care of him, I won’t have a moment of peace, for example one night he’ll
say to me, “Teri,” he’ll say, “I counted it out,” he’ll say – by this time he’s been in bed for
months, I nurse him, feed him, clean him up – he’ll say one night, “Teri, I counted it out and you
spent eight minutes with me today.” So the next day I’ll take a piece of paper into the kitchen and
every time I hear, “Teri come in,” I’ll make a mark. At night I’ll give it to him and say, “Count it
out,” He’ll add it up and say, “Forty-eight, what’s this?” I’ll say, “This is how many times you
called me in.” He’ll say, “In one week?” “No,” I’ll say, “today.” That’ll shut him up...
When he can barely talk anymore in the hospital, the tubes hanging out of him, and a catheter,
he’ll whisper to me that every night a woman lies down next to him in bed... I’ll think he’s
imagining it, but sure enough there’ll be a messy little lady down the hall who's always cornering
me and as I step out of the elevator she’ll say to me, “Go home, go away,” and then Tony will
say, “That’s her,” this is the woman who lies down next to him in bed every night, and he can’t
do nothing about it, because she pulls down the rail and climbs in and pulls it up again. “Does she
touch you down there?” I’ll ask. He’ll say no. I’ll say to the nurse, “Who’s this woman?” She’ll
say, “Oh that’s just Lucy, she’s a spinster, and she’s a little wacko.” “Okay,” I’ll say, “But why is
she making up for lost time with my Tony, because” I’ll say, “Tony is dying. So don’t let her lie
down next to him...” Finally I’ll bring him out of the hospital, and one night he’ll beg me, “Teri,
don’t turn out the light yet, don’t sleep yet, tell me a story, say something, anything...” He was
born on Sunday and he will die on a Sunday too.
Scene Eighteen
(Zoé and Tamás, present day)
TAMÁS: (from outside) You want a Jameson’s? (he comes in with a glass, drinks, looks at the
rain in the window)
(pause)
ZOÉ: I’m always hoping that I’ll find something out.
TAMÁS: We find out that we can play BB.
ZOÉ: But about him... so that maybe... we could forgive one another.
(pause)
Where does that word come from, BB?
TAMÁS: Benedict and Beatrice- the quarreling lovers.
155
ZOÉ: We don’t quarrel... not only.
(pause)
TAMÁS: Did you know that on average people fall asleep in seven minutes?
ZOÉ: And ants... don’t you think they even nap?
TAMÁS: No... they don’t have a sleeping organ... they’re always awake.
(pause)
TAMÁS: Are you asleep?
ZOÉ: I’m counting sheep... eight... eleven... twenty... thirty-four... sixty... one-hundred-fourteen.
End of play.
156

Garaczi 3 Plays in English

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László Garaczi:

Music director: János Szemenyei

FÁBIÁN Hey there, Budapest!

Plasma fever in the city

You’re plasma by night

BALLA How’s breakfast?

Balla pours, Bori drinks.

BALLA Is all your homework done?

MOHAI This day is just perfect for pulling pranks.

ZOE Several news agencies have reported that Professor Ochuki,

RÉKA Lookie! You seen this before?

FÁBIÁN Ring-a-ding-ding! That’s the phone!

RITTER Good afternoon.

FÁBIÁN Hello?! Mr. Bácskai?

SAUSAGE I think I’d better get lost… I’ll leave an explanation on my

MOHAI You’re listening to the hosts of Ace Radio, one-oh-one-point-

The Poopy Song

In Poopyland the Poopy Prince upon his thorone is sitting

Poop the poopy in the potty, poopy hopping, poopy trotting,

In Poopyland, on piles of poopy, a poopy castle can be found

Poop the poopy in the potty, poopy hopping, poopy trotting,

Teacher knows the reason why, poopy question, poop reply

Poop the poopy in the potty, poopy hopping, poopy trotting

Piles of poopy is the ration from Poopyland’s pooped generation

Poop the poopy in the potty, poopy hopping, poopy trotting

MOHAI That felt goood!

MOHAI Well, what’s going on?

DICKIE We’re standing face to face on the trapeze. He says: Jaeger

MOHAI Hi there Budapest! It’s LostCauses Remixed again, wishing

DODIE What number is he at?

VIDA 64, 65, 66, 67, sixty-eight.

OCHUKI Don be scaled!

CALLER 1 You want?

Bori eats and stares at the TV.

The sound of their conversation from breakfast on TV.

Plasma fever in the city

You’re plasma by night

Plasma fidelity and plasma virility

Oozing like hot magma

Oozing like hot magma

GENTIAN, White’s cat

Animals at the auction and in the hallucination sequences:

The Scene: Budapest, spring, whenever.

Rock-a-bye, rock-a-bye, rock-a-bye…

Sob not, but slumber my desires

Rock-a-bye sleepy, listless sighs

Take flight and soar,

Rock-a-bye, rock-a-bye, rock-a-bye…

Weary wings, to evening now retires,

Take flight at night,

Day’s song is over,

Twilight waits, so slumber my desires,

Day’s song is over,

WHITE Are you ready?

BERYL Start already!

WHITE But then the change of regime came!

Scene 3. White’s apartment again.

WHITE Just perfect.

What others think I am, to them that’s what I’ll be